Time for a new thread:
Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5The first posts of parts 3 & 4 give a pretty good background up through the end of the summer.
Sorry for my absence, and thanks for the wishes I'd put in an appearance. I've been swamped under by the semester, a nagging sinus infection, and some issues w/ S6 (he's showing some heightened obsessive-compulsive behaviors - he's a mild Aspie - due probably to changes in living arrangements).
For the past 4 weeks, I've stayed in the apartment, instead of the rotation between house and apartment. The kids have been having an adventure coming over to stay here, but the older son is showing some signs of struggling with the change too. W met with the attorney I found for us to do mediation (we're now doing collaborative law, w/ this L being retained by my W). I've got call into one of the other collaborative law trained As in the area, but haven't heard back. Overall, things are much more relaxed between us, in part because of how I've DB'ed. Did some drive-by flirting (I offer up something flirtatious & on my way out so it can't become uncomfortable) even.
We will to the children in the middle class next month, and hopefully meet w/ Ls in a few weeks. W has been considerate a couple more times, and texted a couple times, which continues the new pattern since I calmed things down after she made a unilateral decision to switch from mediation to collaborative law.
I've also opened a profile on a couple dating sites and not taken them down. I'm very clear about my status, and that I'm looking for friend dates at this stage. I'll admit, answering the survey questions can be a bit addictive. It still underlines that I would prefer my W, but it also gives a bit of perspective - there are some attractive, interesting women out there who match up with some enticing views on sexuality.
My social network continues to grow and develop nicely, especially those with kids my kids are enjoying playing with. Not as much on the unattached adult friends side of things, but still I'm happy with it.
Haven't been able to exercise like I used to (this semester w/ the different kid arrangement has really cut into my opportunities), which has been a bit frustrating. And now that my work/class load is really hitting me hard, I have almost no opportunity for exercise, which is bumming me out.
I really hope to catch up on some folks' threads later this weekend, although I've also got a couple of papers to write and grading.
I was just thinking about you and your post appeared. Glad to hear from you. I thought work might be keeping you busy. It sounds like your still on the same trajectory in regards your wife.
I miss your wisdom my friend. I hope you feel better.
I see that your new thread has been quite busy, and I will do my best to catch up on your sitch. My initial reaction to the first page is, why haven't you physically separated. I really think you need to space and the moving ahead with clearing out the old R to allow for a possibility of a new R to develop, and as long as you stay in the status quo, that wont happen. Again, I need to catch up, but I'll do my d*mnedest w/ you pho, and a bunch of others.
Yeah! I'm so happy to see you. I'm glad things seem to be working out a bit. You are so brave even to consider friend/dates. At this point, I'm so traumatized I don't see myself even doing that.
Yes, I know. Way too early for me to even think about that. It's hard not to wonder about the future, though. It's part of the reason posts by people like you, who are further down the DB path, are so invaluable to newer members. The reality of different types of successes is so encouraging. There is a future after BD!
Keep sharing your insight and wisdom, please? You've been such a help to me and so many others.
I'm not sure I'll be able to go through with a friend date. I may still chicken out. I do love my W,and there is some promise. Ironically, that potential goes hand in hand with my being able to move on and consider others. Weird, huh? But there you go.
After the semester is over in a month, I'll be able to return more regularly, but I'll try to not be a stranger in the meantime. I just don't want to promise what I can't deliver on.
Don't worry that you aren't to the considering dating stage. It's just another data point on the course of life. Not sure whether or not it is significant.
I've got another DB coach session next week, so I'll let you know her take on it.
Asitis, I think that the largest remaining part of my problem is my co-dependency issue. When I have a grip on that I will be in much better shape. I am happy to stay home. I will live like this till my son graduates from high school. Then who knows. Till then I am glad to be home with my wife and kids. I must beat the co-dependency.
Asitis, it is so good to "hear" from you, it sounds like you are doing well. Please pay extra attention to your son's OCD, as you probably know my D14 has it and it, and every other problem you can imagine, gets so much worse when puberty hits (and puberty starts earlier than the physical changes, you will start to notice emotional changes earlier than you expect) , you want to manage that as best as you can now. I know you are the expert, but I am living it!
One thing I noticed from your post, is that your focus is definitely not on your W anymore. It also seems like your thinking is solidly in the present, with some thought towards the future. I give you an A in mental health! Also glad you aren't flirting with 20 year olds, lol. Looking forward to your take on my sitch when/if you get the time, it is probably another sign of health and moving forward to spend less time here, but I miss you and your insight.
Hope you have a great day.
S6 probably has Asperger's, so the obsessive-compulsive behavior is a bit different in cause than w/ OCD. We are taking him to an IC next week to work with him on it and other transitional issues.
And who said I wasn't flirting w/ 20 year-olds any more
My focus is surprisingly still on my W. I feel more attracted to her now that she is acting better towards me. Hence my flirting w/ her. It is just that I've got so many other things on my plate, that I can't spare her much thought or attention. Going on dating sites actually confirms that I still want my W a whole lot, but reality is reality.
It's been a while, so I figured I'd share an update. Nothing much to report on the R front. W has been considerate a couple more times. We also took S6 to IC, and then met for coffee today to discuss it. I was the parent who sat w/ IC while she took S6 to the waiting room, so she kept wanting me to report. As there wasn't much to report, I kept bringing it back to what she thought of the IC and let her talk about some of her recent frustrations w/ S6, their dentist - who was really bad when she took the boys in & S6 had a meltdown. Lots of reflecting feeling and validating.
It went well, and she thought meeting for coffee the day or two after then next session (she'll be reporting parent for that one) was a good idea. Towards the end she asked whether or not I had heard back from the L, and told her I finally got a callback today, but she left a message, and tried back and had to leave a message. We talked a bit about proceeding, and she was trying to get me to think about how she thought one route made sense, and I told her that while I read the stuff she gave me, I'm not at a point where I feel comfortable answering, as I haven't even met with the L. It clearly changed what seemed like a good tone, which was a bit frustrating.
As we walked out, I told her how I was hopeful on S6 now that we were getting him to IC and said I really appreciated that we could work so well for S6's sake and ours. I pointed out an insight she raised and told her how helpful that was.
She asked if I had thought about Thanksgiving, and whether we'd all get together. Caught me a bit off guard. My DB Coach had just told me when I raised the point that I should not invite her (I have the kids) unless she brought it up in a way that suggested openness to the idea, as letting her sit through the holiday apart from her family wasn't the worst thing for her right now. I told her I had been planning to try to do something fun with the boys, including decorating, and that I'd be glad to have us all do it. I told her I'd be glad to cook and host. We were in a rush, so she said let's talk about it after I get back (I'm going away for the weekend).
I have the boys tonight and tomorrow night (I usually don't get them until Thursday evening, but since I'm going away). I asked her if she would come take one of them to school - I do this on two of her teaching days - since I have to teach at 9:30 and need some prep time before. She agreed. Have some new decorations & furniture in the apartment and it is generally neat & clean. I think that will surprise her, as I suspect that she thinks I was only performing and not sincere when we were sharing spaces, and likely let things slack now that I don't have to impress her when we swapped location. The apartment was a disaster after the kids left last weekend, so it works out well that she is coming over tomorrow, rather than earlier.
Hey Brother,
Long time. Just caught up on S6 and some of your sitch. For a little guy to have Asperger's he definitely couldn't have asked for a better father. Your clinical training, overall chill demeanor, and meditation practice are a brilliant recipe for someone with his challenges to have looking over him. I imagine you'll navigate his ups and downs with the same empathy and steeliness your DB'ing.
Looks like your W has warmed up a bit, a hesitant congrats to you. Maybe time is a gift huh? Your consistency has to be making ripples with her, even if they're little ones. At minimum you're giving her no reason to backslide herself, at least not from you.
How's your sitting going? I've missed you around here and am glad to catch an update from you As.
Finger's crossed the holidays bring some peace to your situation and some light into Mrs. As's heart.
Big hug,
PP
On S6, even with all my meditation & mindfulness, I still sometimes lose it w/ S, unfortunately. It can be really trying. I'm glad W & I are working together on this with a specialist.
We are definitely on for Thanksgiving dinner. I had to get her to sign the lease renewal (helps protect my interest in the home if we are both on the apartment lease, I figure). I said that I had thought about her Thanksgiving idea, and wanted to get the kids for a few hours Monday or Tuesday to do some decorations, and if she could bring a pie, I'd cook and have it over at the apartment. She said that sounds really nice. Maybe I can get her tipsy & convince her to stay over and give her something we can both be thankful for. I doubt we're any wear close to that, but you know that fantasy isn't going to disappear just because I know it won't happen.
My meditation has been at a much lower level in the last month or so, just because of how busy my schedule has been. I've definitely wished for more time. I did get way for a weekend intensive last month, and am leaving for another tomorrow. I hope that the week's break from classes & work will bring some rejuvenation of my practice to carry me through until Winter break. If I can get one of my papers written & catch up on the grading, the end of the semester will actually be relatively easier than the last month or so has been.
Thanksgiving dinner as a family sounds very positive! If you get her tipsy, maybe hide her keys so she can't leave. LOL- DB'ers turned into stalkers. Keep those expectations low As, but it does seem like she is thawing. Don't seem too eager, the rules still apply!
As far as S, I am glad to hear that even the mighty grounded Asitis loses it. I lose it far too frequently and I am not proud, but we are all human. I truly believe that my D's issus are what "did us in" - not that we were all that strong to start with, but parenting a special needs child is very tough on a marriage.
Also wanted to tell you that I still take your advice with my son, actually with both of them even though only one has anxiety issues, that I make it a point to get down on the floor and play with him at his level. Also I alternate that with music "jams" - my sons play the guitar and piano and I will sing or dance along and just "rock out" - the physical play definitely helps everyone's mood and makes us feel connected. H is very slowly engaging in it as well. Sometimes it is hard to remember to make the time- between homework and dinner and bedtime, etc, but even just 10-15 minutes makes a huge difference. A lot of the things you have shared with me have helped, but that is one thing in particular that stands out. Thank you.... and take your own advice, when things get difficult with your s that is the time to chase or wrestle.
I know the difficulty remembering what I know would be a better approach w/ S all the time. It is probably more difficult than changing the dance w/ a spouse. I'm glad you found the tip helpful w/ S.
Don't worry about expectations. I figure for all I know part of her warming up is that she's having an EA - I don't have any evidence one way or the other - just saying that there are a range of explanations for thawing is wide. I figure it would be better to expect the worst on that score, and let myself be pleasantly surprised.
As, the range of explanations is wide, and you are right not to mind read. My H is thawing and I keep thinking it is because he is "trying", my friend told me it is probably because he is leaving for 6 months and that is cheering him up. Gotta love friends who don't sugar coat things. Time will tell.
Hi asitis, just wanted to stop by and say hello. Your a really good guy and I respect what your doing for your wife and family. I have learned to be patient and take the long view from your actions. Best of luck and thanks for the guidance.
Asitis
Hope thanksgiving dinner with W works out the way you want it. Good luck
Hope tonight is a great night for you and your family As, Happy Thanksgiving!
PP
Thanks all.
Met with my L yesterday. Liked her, and she is on board with my wish that we work in a way that focuses on a healthy long-term R with my W and that gives us a chance for reconciliation.
I had her set up our first meeting with W & her L (in collaborative law, you meet all together, with no outside meetings w/ your own L). W was glad that I took the initiative to get the ball rolling.
Went out for coffee w/ a new friend I met on an online dating site (I've since deactivated the account on advice of my L, although she didn't think it was a legal issue). She's not looking to date either, just friends, like me. Turns out she was planning to come to my church & get involved in my Buddhist group, and had picked up on that in my description & was curious. She also works at the same uni I do. It was really amusing as she told me she was wanting to find out more about Buddhism as she was checking out a new church. As it was obviously mine, I said I'd be there on Sunday & was active in the Buddhist group. So we met after the Sunday service. We didn't have a chance to talk, but arranged to have coffee Tuesday. I like her, and she has been chatting back & forth since then via e-mail. Nothing serious or intense, just openness and light.
Decoration making with the kids this afternoon, and some cooking. W comes over around 4:30, and & we eat @ 5:30. I've got all the dishes ready to make. So, I'm going to relax and enjoy the day.
For all that celebrate, may you all have a great Thanksgiving despite our difficult family situations.
I miss your wisdom Asitis, come back soon.
Me too As, how are things in your world?
PP
We love you even when your busy
Hear, hear! I miss him, too. For some reason, Asitis has been on my mind a lot lately.
Is everything going well, friend?
Hi As, if you come back I have a new name. Don't "out" me- not trying to fool anyone but new account so as not to tie back to my old history because I said too much.
Hope you are busy living a full and happy life and that's why you don't have time to post!
How are things As? Can you drop us an update!
I really miss you...
Just want you to know that. I know you're busy - but there's nothing quite like the warm, gentle, supportive advice of Asitis to help me through some really tough times.
Wishing you the very merriest of Christmases this year!
Merry Christmas Asitis, I hope your life is filled with the kindness you have given others. Be well
It's been a long month without you Asitis. My wish is that all is well in your life and the ones around you.
Hey As,
Happy New Year! How're things on your end my friend? Can you fill us in, we all miss you.
PP
Miss you brother, come say hello, we love you.