After a couple of months in denial, I’m going to confess that I really want to still want to save my marriage. I know it’s a very, very long shot. I am looking for suggestion about some small thing I might change. My very small initial goal would be for him to initiate contact more often.
I do not pursue. In the couple of months right after BD I cried and pursued a lot. No more. I GAL a lot. I am preparing to sell our house. I entertain, go out with friends, go to church. I respond only to his communication about mail etc. Our conversations are friendly. He knows all of this yet he sent me a text asking me if I was dragging my feet on the divorce in hopes he would change his mind. In fact, he’s the one not moving it forward.
Was the text for OWs benefit? Was it temperature checking? Is he really done? IDK
I emailed him my settlement proposal almost a month ago. No response except to apologize for sending the text about how he no longer loves me and plans to marry OW. He apologizes a lot. I don’t respond.
In the last couple of months I have made a couple of attempts to “flirt” with no response at all.
My DB coach says to stay mostly dark and to think about what he would expect me to do and do the opposite. I believe he would expect me to take care of things, to nag him about moving his stuff, change his address etc. I haven’t done any of that except recently push him to change his address. Letting stuff slide is a big 180 for me but maybe he thinks I’m ok with his stuff being there because I want to hold on. I have asked him to move it a few time but have not nagged.
Should I continue being very dark? Should I initiate some small contact to change things up a bit? I kind of like being dark because communicating with him gets me all in knots.
BACKGROUND
There is a lot of background on my previous thread – Where do I go from here. I don’t know how to paste in this new thread. My H moved out, probably living with OW who has a serious illness, has clearly stated our marriage is over and he plans to marry OW. He filed for divorce and said he wants it to go quickly, however he hasn’t made any attempts to settle. H suffers from depression and has been through a lot of emotional and physical trauma recently. And he’s a terrible procrastinator.
Hi beckyb,
That sounds pretty rough. Sorry to hear things are difficult for you but it sounds like you're doing pretty good all things considered. I'm in a similar spot right now re: spouse moved out, says she intends D but no papers so far.
It sounds like you've initiated contact a few times in the recent past and he hasn't responded. How would initiating contact NOT be pursuing him?
tl2 Good point. I always ask myself if I am contacting because I really need something or is it an excuse to talk to him. Mostly it's an excuse.
The thing is my DB coach asks what I would do differently if we were D and/or H was truly out of the picture. If that were the case I would insist he get his stuff out of my house and his name off my bank account.
There are some things that really need to be taken care of, like bank accounts, but I don't push because I'm trying not to contact him or nag him. Sometimes I feel like I'm being taken advantage of.
Becky, can you start a new bank account on your own, so you don't need to contact him? Maybe transfer what is yours into the new account and just "forget" the old one?
And then go as NC as you possibly can?
I've decided for myself that contacting my W when she doesn't want to be and there is no legitimate reason to is disrespectful because she has set a reasonable (if hurtful) boundary...but one of my biggest 'sins' in our marriage has always been to place my wants and needs above everything else.
If I do that then I am not only driving another nail into my marriage's coffin I am also reinforcing a habit of immaturity, no impulse control.
I can see now that that is definitely not an attractive quality for a man to exhibit. Makes me a little ashamed that at 48 I'm really just now getting there.
I already have a separate account but need the other one a bit longer. I'm not worried about him taking money. It's the principle. He's the one that wants out yet he won't do the work.
I don't contact him at all anymore. I guess I'll just keep that path until something changes.
I just feel like I should be able to come up with some 180, maybe in the way I respond.
I've decided for myself that contacting my W when she doesn't want to be and there is no legitimate reason to is disrespectful because she has set a reasonable (if hurtful) boundary...but one of my biggest 'sins' in our marriage has always been to place my wants and needs above everything else.
If I do that then I am not only driving another nail into my marriage's coffin I am also reinforcing a habit of immaturity, no impulse control.
I can see now that that is definitely not an attractive quality for a man to exhibit. Makes me a little ashamed that at 48 I'm really just now getting there.
Don't feel too ashamed, tl2. I am 45 and now just getting some of the same things. 6 months after the BD and I finally realize some of the things!
I hear you. I wish I knew if H was surprised I'm not pursuing, or relieved. No use trying to mind read.
I think an important question is...Are you relieved you're not pursuing?
A lot of the time doing nothing feels very wrong. It feels like I'm not fighting for my marriage, even though I know doing nothing is the best thing a can do right now.
Some days I just want to push the D forward and get it over with.
Doing nothing and being patient are not my strong suits. That is why going dark and letting things play out is a big 180 for me.
You're not doing nothing. You are doing everything you can do.
Trying to work on the M right now with an absent spouse would be like trying to run a two-legged race with your ankle tied to someone unconscious!
You're working on you. That's the absolute best thing you can do right now, so...continue!
I love that analogy! I plan to come out of this wiser, stronger and skinnier, one way or the other.
You will do it, Becky. You have such strength. I believe in you.
Becky - I can relate. I get so busy with work, kids, house, and H is moving on, in with OW. I want to work and save our M! It is sooooo worth fighting for! Our family is soooo worth fighting for! But H doesn't "want" it anymore.
Becky, he is in the military, right? I posted something about that in your other thread. Not saying to be vindictive, but know your rights as a mil spouse. His command wouldn't think highly...
Evil_E, he is not in the military.
Thanks Ancaire. You are such an encourager.
Guys, there's pursuing out of neediness, it done so that you feel better and there's pursuing because you are trying to connect with them in the way you would have when you were first getting together.
Early days contact is often (nearly always) pursuit out of neediness, "please stay with me!". When you reach a point that beckyb seems to have done the word pursuit takes on a different meaning, she has a genuine desire to reconnect and not because she needs to, because she believes she wants to. It's easy to get the two mixed and/or see them as the same thing because it's the same word, they aren't.
Beckyb, you made a strong statement about your feelings for saving your marriage at the start of his thread and I felt your commitment and applaud you for being so open.
If this is what you truly want, then be prepared to have some painful moments and times when you'll wonder what possessed you, plus also some highs you perhaps weren't expecting. The key to it all is as per the DR book, to have a clearly defined goal(s) and then a detailed plan for how you are going to achieve it/them. By doing so, you will empower yourself at all times to consult your plan and not your feelings to ensure you stay on track and don't end up distracted, derailed, or going off at a tangent.
Do you think your DB coach would love to help you verify and test your plan? If so, put it together and then let him/her give it the once over in your next call.
To get that plan together start with the end in mind. Create a mental picture in your mind of what you want to achieve, colours, sounds, tastes, smells, touches, whatever is important to you, the more detailed the better. Translate this image into a few concise, clear, well defined goals and then your plan to achieve the goals should become clear.
To kick off you plan, I'd recommend using some well spaced (time wise), one-way communication as your starter toward building the connection. But you know your position better than anyone, go with what you heart tells you and with what your view of your future needs.
Your DB coach can then be your critic and advisor so you'll know it's as sound as it can be before you commence. We can always helping with any stumbling blocks, if you come across any.
Be strong beckyb, know in your heart what you are going to do is right and it'll propel you forward.
Evil E, I am a military spouse. I'm going to look up my rights. I know I would get 50% of his retirement. That's all I know.
Thank you Avanti. I'm afraid of making things worse and afraid of being disappointed. I'm really going to have to think about this one.
Photoka,
As I stated in the other thread, I am also a military spouse. My W is active duty. I know that all commands have adultery reporting. For example, on my Ws base's website there is a link for reporting an A. Don't ask me how I know ...
The military highly frowns upon it. We were friends with a woman who was (key word "was") an officer of the same rank as my W and was caught in an A. Her H gave her command the pics, recording, etc., pretty much everything he had on her. Her career was done. She was booted and he got half her retirement and still entitled to benefits. He was vindictive, though. She really did him wrong and I won't go into details, but it was pretty bad.
Go talk to a JAG. You are entitled to using them, too. Know your rights because you have a LOT.
Evil E, I am a military spouse. I'm going to look up my rights. I know I would get 50% of his retirement. That's all I know.
Photoka, I am a military spouse as well. What we are eligible for is 50 percent of retirement benefits for the duration of years the marriage overlapped military service. For example, I have been married for 18 years (since the beginning of his career), but my H is hoping to serve for 30 years. I would rate 50 percent of what he has earned towards his retirement at the 18 year mark, rather than 50 percent of his final retirement at 30 years.
Photoka,
As I stated in the other thread, I am also a military spouse. My W is active duty. I know that all commands have adultery reporting. For example, on my Ws base's website there is a link for reporting an A. Don't ask me how I know ...
The military highly frowns upon it. We were friends with a woman who was (key word "was") an officer of the same rank as my W and was caught in an A. Her H gave her command the pics, recording, etc., pretty much everything he had on her. Her career was done. She was booted and he got half her retirement and still entitled to benefits. He was vindictive, though. She really did him wrong and I won't go into details, but it was pretty bad.
Go talk to a JAG. You are entitled to using them, too. Know your rights because you have a LOT.
I think a lot of this is really dependent on the command climate though. I am a spouse liaison to the command and at H's last duty station, I had another spouse contact me about her H's adultery. H actually got his OW pregnant and was taking time off work to go to her baby doctor appointments. H's command did absolutely nothing about it beyond slapping him on the wrist verbally, and actually bad mouthed the spouse who reported. In my experience with female spouses reporting adultery, I have noticed there is very much an "old boys club" at play, and a tendency to think the female spouse is just trying to cause trouble. Which is not to say you shouldn't report if you want to, but make every effort to have irrefutable proof so they are required to take you seriously and do something about it.
I don't want to report him because I have no proof, he claims it was "just" an EA although he was in love with her, and also I don't want him to lose his job. I really want to save the M, but it would be good to know my rights. I had no idea I could talk to a JAG. Thank you.
Thank you Avanti. I'm afraid of making things worse and afraid of being disappointed. I'm really going to have to think about this one.
That's fear talking and it's OK, we all experience that. The brave act in spite of fear and until you reach that point, relax and let things be. The moment when you feel real ready to take the steps required might be just around the corner or way off, there is no way of knowing.
Maybe one thing to help you find out is to visualise your picture of the future, set your goals and create your plan. Remember you don't have to put the plan into action but the work you do may give you a real clue as to where you are on the ready to be brave path.
How do you feel about that?
I think a lot of this is really dependent on the command climate though. I am a spouse liaison to the command and at H's last duty station, I had another spouse contact me about her H's adultery. H actually got his OW pregnant and was taking time off work to go to her baby doctor appointments. H's command did absolutely nothing about it beyond slapping him on the wrist verbally, and actually bad mouthed the spouse who reported. In my experience with female spouses reporting adultery, I have noticed there is very much an "old boys club" at play, and a tendency to think the female spouse is just trying to cause trouble. Which is not to say you shouldn't report if you want to, but make every effort to have irrefutable proof so they are required to take you seriously and do something about it.
I noticed the good old boys stuff, too. And maybe even the branch has something to do with it. In our case, we are Navy and the command climate at the base (now, and even at the one where our former friend was caught) is very much family and takes A seriously. I will admit that I looked into it as I was gathering intel on my W's EA, but I didn't push it. I am not the vindictive sort, but there is only so much one could take, I guess. I don't even think I would do it even if it went PA and was right in front of my kids...well, maybe I would.
Photoka, I am a military spouse as well. What we are eligible for is 50 percent of retirement benefits for the duration of years the marriage overlapped military service. For example, I have been married for 18 years (since the beginning of his career), but my H is hoping to serve for 30 years. I would rate 50 percent of what he has earned towards his retirement at the 18 year mark, rather than 50 percent of his final retirement at 30 years.
I believe that other benefits are also provided in those types of instances, such as TriCare still being provided by sponsor. Others may know more, though.
I don't want to report him because I have no proof, he claims it was "just" an EA although he was in love with her, and also I don't want him to lose his job. I really want to save the M, but it would be good to know my rights. I had no idea I could talk to a JAG. Thank you.
Get it in recording. And, yes, a recording is admissible if you are part of it. The question is, how do you know about it? If it was an email/text trail, get those. Like you, I really want to save my M, but I have all those things from my W's EA hidden away - I don't want to ever use them and if we reconcile, then they will be gone, but I will keep them just in case.
You have every right to a JAG. Take advantage of it. Learn your rights. Like you, I would never report it to the command - it would really take a lot for me to go that route.
I am not military but because of my past profession, and family history, I am very familiar with how things work in the Military. One thing I will say is that if there is a regulation that states how the A should be handled, then it must be followed. You need to find the regulations and understand them. You will want to look at the particular branch of military your Spouse is in. If you cannot find anything, look for DoD regulations.
If you find that they are not following the regulations you need to make the JAG aware. If the JAG is aware and not doing anything(which I doubt will happen) then you need to head over to your senator.
If the JAG is aware and not doing anything(which I doubt will happen) then you need to head over to your senator.
May want to take it to the IG on base before going to the senator. Those guys don't F around...
WhyUs and Evil_E, please be conscious that this beckyb's thread.
It might be better if you take this particular matter onto one of your threads, so you can discuss it at length and it's easy for others, who are following your sitch, to benefit from.
If by IG you mean Inspector General I am not sure that will work. Typically bases do not have an IG representative. They have auditors. For example--Army Audit Agency, Navy Audit Agency. The DoD has an IG but getting them to do anything will be a long shot.
Now, there may be some credence to going to the CI (criminal investigations). However, I am not sure they would even take it on. They are trying to deal with domestic violence, fraud, and other serious criminal activity. This type of thing is not going to be high on their priority list.
Same with the audit agencies and IG. This will not be high on their list of priorities. They will already have a list of audits they are planning to complete during the year. If they felt this was worth looking at it would most likely be a year down the road before they even started. Typically, audit agencies want to look at things that are going to save money--that is how they justify their budget.
Agree Avanti,
Heck, I'm not even sure who this thread belongs to at this point.
i do need to slow down and have a plan. Otherwise my impatient nature will take over.
I am going to send a brief text about the mail today. Then think about my plan over the weekend.
beckyb,
Avanti does make a really good point regarding the plan. I was moving along and not even using the plan that I originally came up with. My goals strategy and goals did not seem relevant anymore. The other day I opened up DR and started rereading it. I realized I needed to make new goals and a new strategy not that my sitch has changed. I am going to take Avanti's advise and have my coach give her opinion on it as well.
So, your decision to slow down and make a plan seems like a good one. It will also help you to see the small successes that you many not even be noticing right now.
Here's wrap up for the week. Looking back at my goals, over all I was inconsistent. I'm feeling pretty depressed and it's causing me to lose focus. Ironically focusing on my goals will help me out of the depression.
I just can't seem to snap out of this funk. Acknowledging that I want to save my marriage and knowing it's nearly impossible is very hard. I think it was easier when I was just trying to put it all behind me.
FYI, I hate living alone and hate the thought of being single again. I'm having a hard time trusting that God will bring good out of this.
I proactively contacted H on Friday. First time in a long time. I thanked him for changing his address at the post office and offered to hold on to any mail that comes until he is ready to get it. He replied. Ok. Thank you. We'll see what next week brings.
Had some friends over today to move some heavy stuff in my house and haul away a hot tub. I'm a few steps closer to having the house ready to sell. In return I cooked them a big meal. Pot roast, mashed potatoes, homemade bread and apple crisp. It's was delicious.
This week I plan to increase my physical activity and healthy eating. Those things have really slipped lately.
So H texted to say the annual bill for AAA roadside service came to his house, and did I want to keep the service. I said yes and I would take care of it. He offered to split the cost for the next year. Interesting.
Here's wrap up for the week. Looking back at my goals, over all I was inconsistent. I'm feeling pretty depressed and it's causing me to lose focus. Ironically focusing on my goals will help me out of the depression.
I just can't seem to snap out of this funk. Acknowledging that I want to save my marriage and knowing it's nearly impossible is very hard. I think it was easier when I was just trying to put it all behind me.
FYI, I hate living alone and hate the thought of being single again. I'm having a hard time trusting that God will bring good out of this.
Hey Becky! Finally getting caught up on here. Sorry to hear you are having a hard time. Been traveling and then got really sick, so been out if commission for over a week and have not had time to post. I agree that being single and dating does not seem like fun, though I must say I am getting more comfortable with the idea. Just think, you have the opportunity to focus more on you and reinvent who you want to be and who you want to be with. There are some positives in it all, but it will be a bit until we get to that point.
Had some friends over today to move some heavy stuff in my house and haul away a hot tub. I'm a few steps closer to having the house ready to sell. In return I cooked them a big meal. Pot roast, mashed potatoes, homemade bread and apple crisp. It's was delicious.
Dinner sounds delish! Glad you had some friends to help.
This week I plan to increase my physical activity and healthy eating. Those things have really slipped lately.
I hear you!! I have been going out to eat and drinking too much. I used to only have a glass or wine or two a week. It was up to 1-2 glasses a night for the past month. Need to do a bit of a cleanse before the holidays. I think getting back on track with that will also help your funk. I have been maintaining the physical activity except for during this cold I have. Jumping back to Bootcamp tomorrow. What activity can you start back up on next week?
Becky, I think I might be responsible for your thread going astray, I am sorry!
Revisiting your goals is a good move. I was feeling emotional and scared and started refocusing on my goals just since last night and it helps. Now I am working on breaking them down into smaller steps. Going back to DB basics.
Inconsistency + poor nutrition+ lack of exercise+ acting on feelings instead of a plan = good recipe for exhaustion, both physical and emotional.
Also, your dinner sounds delicious, that is going on my menu this week.
Looking for advice. H still has a lot of stuff at my house. Tonight he texted to ask if he could pay me storage for a couple of months. I don't know what to think. It's not really bothering me. I just need it gone by early spring.
If I tell him he doesn't have to pay me anything am I letting him take advantage? Will he see it as me trying to hold on to him? Should I take the money?
Hi BT. I recently started some private lessons at a Pilates studio and I love it. I'm going to start classes 2xs a week. I was walking a lot but now it's dark so early so I need to switch to my exercise bike. I really hate the limit daylight hours.
Photo, no problem on the thread. I do have a recipe for disa9, don't I?. Time to refocus.
Looking for advice. H still has a lot of stuff at my house. Tonight he texted to ask if he could pay me storage for a couple of months. I don't know what to think. It's not really bothering me. I just need it gone by early spring.
If I tell him he doesn't have to pay me anything am I letting him take advantage? Will he see it as me trying to hold on to him? Should I take the money?
Rather than thinking whether to take the money or not, might it be better to see it as a baby step improvement? Also consider the AAA renewal offer in a similar light. They aren't anything to cling onto especially but it does potentially indicate a degree of not trying to increase the distance between the two of you...? Remember, that's why we have goals and plans to review progress and ensure nothing is lost.
If it were me, say thank you and take the money (whether I needed it or not) and tell him a date next year or whenever suits you when his stuff will need to be gone. By you in effect walking away from him it might, and I stress might, draw him closer as he'll sense detachment and it may make him think.
Besides if it doesn't change anything you'll be a few dollars better off and you can use them on developing the service for delivering some of your awesome sounding food over the Internet. :-)
Avanti, I think I am going to take the money. I'm trying to figure out how he would expect me to react and do the opposite. But I just don't know what he expects.
He also said, "since you are not planning to sell the house until next year". This tells me he likely read my settlement proposal and I'm guessing maybe doesn't plan on doing anything until the attorney conference scheduled in January.
I truly wish I could send that meal. I love cooking and making people feel welcome. If you all lived closer I'd just invite you over.
I spoke to my DB coach this morning about the AAA membership and the storage issue. Here are his thoughts.
•He may be coming out of the fog a little and realizing it’s not all about him. No guarantee.
•If we get divorced and he marries OW do I want to be sharing a AAA membership? No
• He needs to realize that he really is going to lose me if this continues. Therefore no shared AAA and a deadline on the stuff. I can’t really enforce the deadline but at least it’s recorded in a text.
My coach always says what ever I do should be because I'm setting respectful boundaries for myself and not to punish H. That aligns with my goal of dealing this in a Godly, graceful manner.
If all of this means he’s finally moving on at least I get some money out of the deal. 
Your DB coach is absolutely right, my post wasn't very well worded.
When I said take the money, I meant for the storage and nothing else. Keeping the AAA separate makes sense.
Not punishing your H by your actions is exactly what you should be doing all of the time, it's all part of taking care of yourself and not caring in what way or how your H reacts and at the same time not antagonising them with petulant "almost child like" actions. Taking the moral high ground in all instances is so important, even if it does inflict more (short term) pain on yourself by doing it.
I am sure you have read threads with "I'll show them" attitude towards their sponse and it ends up in a bigger and bigger mess. Those who are getting on with their lives in calm and measured way (plans and goals in place) are making the most progress, and usually in a positive direction.
Distancing myself from my spouse feels like the most unnatural thing, but I know it must be done.
I agree with Avanti. It is hard to put into practice and I certainly do not always do the right thing. It is easy to let emotion dictate your actions and words. Detaching helps but as everyone on here knows that is a slow process.
I just had to send a text to my H because I went to use some gardening/lawn items this weekend and realized that H took some items the last time he was here to watch the dog, but he did not say anything. While I could just get angry and change the locks or critize, I feel those would be very aggressive actions and I don't want things to be that way anymore. So instead, I sent what I felt was a very pleasant request (not demand) that he please communicate by leaving me a note if he takes things so I am not surprised when I go to use them. How he now reacts is up to him. This might be a minor or silly example, but a lot of minor interactions can build up to show change. I suppose I could have just ignored it, but it does impact me and and seemed like a fair request as it stuff that still belongs to both of us. It has taken me a long time to get to this place. Communication was a big issue for us, so I also feel like this shows change. A month ago a would probably have been not so nice about it.
Another person on here suggested asking yourself if how you want to act or respond will get you closer to your goal. I also find that helpful when I remember to ask myself the question. Also, Zeus has made some great comments to me about my tone which has been helpful. It is easy in all forms of communication to express the wrong tone when you are angry and hurt.
I actually communicate very little with H almost always in response to his communication, except where important logistic are concerned. I am always calm even when he has said some not very nice things. Because their is so little contact, each interaction seems like a very big deal and I don't want to do anything to make things worse. It's stressful!
New development. H sent me a link to an article related to my aunt's illness. Very random and the 3rd helpful thing he's sent in 2 days. Could he be coming out of the fog? Trying to keep expectations low and stick to my plan.
New development. H sent me a link to an article related to my aunt's illness. Very random and the 3rd helpful thing he's sent in 2 days. Could he be coming out of the fog? Trying to keep expectations low and stick to my plan.
That certainly is interesting. I know that the way my mind works I would certainly be a little excited...but then again I tend to get my hopes up. I would say keep doing what you are doing, but what do I know?? Haha. You are doing awesome!
Thanks Evil. I must keep my focus on detaching, GAL and my goals.
I just had a bad thought. Weird that H would stumble across an article on a treatment for Parkinson's disease. Mabye OW really does have a terminal illness and it's Parkinson's. Ugh. I hate this.
So you don't know what OW's illness is? I just had a bad thought. Can you imagine that you are dying and one of the last things in your life that you do is to steal someone's husband and destroy a marriage? How unbelievably sad.
Photo, I don't know for sure. I did not ask. I suspected she had Lupus because she it was an organization she was affiliated with on FB and because my H has been researching Lupus on his computer.
This morning my H sent me an text with information about a Parkinson's treatment for my aunt. My aunt actually has Alzheimer's. Anyway. It made me wonder how he stumbled on an article about Parkinson's.
I can't image uprooting myself and destroying two families as my last act either.
The trouble is if H does come out the fog and realize he's made a mistake, if he going to leave a seriously ill person? Welcome to the crazy train.
The trouble is if H does come out the fog and realize he's made a mistake, if he going to leave a seriously ill person? Welcome to the crazy train.
You sound a lot like me, Beckyb. Try not to read into it and take it for what it's worth - at least that is what I have been told many, many times! The fact that he is sending those to you is interesting indeed...I won't speculate as to what any meanings may be, but it certainly is worth watching. That is, if you want it to be.
No additional communication from H. I really didn't expect anything. I'm trying to mentally refocus on moving on as if the D was final. I have asked my self what I would do it there was a 5% chance of reconciliation. Trying to make decisions based on that.
I'm really struggling with loneliness and mourning the loss of my best friend. I'm working on staying busy and building new friendships.
What does all this mean??? As you know last month H accused me of dragging my feet on D and told me he planned to marry OW just to make sure I knew the M was over. Since then he has asked to talk to me a couple of times. I didn't want to see him so I put him off. Tonight he finally texted me to say he believed I intentionally destroyed some of his stuff while I was packing it up and he said that marrying OW because he was mad and he wanted to hurt me. And he hoped that the rest of this hard time for both of use would be better. WTH?
Of course I didn't destroy his stuff. I told him I was sorry his stuff got ruined but I didn't do it. He said if that was true to forgive him for being hateful. And to call him if I needed to.
I told him it was true but didn't say I forgave him.
How does he think confessing this will make this better for me? Does this mean he does plan to marry OW or he made it up to hurt me? Does it really matter?
Good grief. And now he wants to come over and get some of his things from the basement.
Oh, Becky. I really understand the pain and confusion for you.
The only thing I can remind you of is that the WS is often more confused. They run around, making crazy choices, and destroying everything in their paths. I wonder if they just don't think at all?
It is so confusing and difficult to deal with. Hang in there...I'm here for you!
Thank you. I don't believe my H is a horrible person or a serial cheater. He is depressed, has turned his back on God and lost his way. He is not thinking clearly and has gotten himself in a bad situation. If I weren't so hurt I'd feel sorry for him. I do pray for him.
I continue to pray for mine...it's all I can do. I don't know if I'll ever stop hoping he'll someday find his way back to a righteous path. I'm really worried about the damage he's doing to himself and his soul. I do realize though, his choices - his consequences.
Our WS's are confused and lost too, they also behave very immaturely and based on their instantaneous feelings.
Our choice is to act on our plans and consult them when our feelings are getting the better of us. We have to absorb and watch the often absurd behavior of our S's for what it is and not let it affect us, certainly on the outside. When things are a struggle emotionally that's when we turn to higher forms of energy such a God.
You both seem toe doing this and it's a long game so there will be some pretty nasty downs, having internal fortitude by being in control of yourselves will see you through this.
We cannot affect or S's directly, we simply look after ourselves and know that the future is not certain and not clear to us yet,nor will it be for a while yet, maybe longer. When the time is right (and only we know this for ourselves, no one can direct you) building some sort of connection makes sense and sometimes we might get the timing wrong, but that should not stop us from trying, reflecting and trying again later.
As some seem to do, sitting waiting for our S's to make the perfect reconciliation noises and actions is foolhardy imho. Our acting rashly and off plan or simply on a whim can be a backward step, but it doesn't mean the end, we simply make the journey a little tougher, that's all.
My H seems to interested in building some kind of connection - reaching out, inviting me to call him. However, I suspect it's because he is unhappy and/or guilty and trying to make himself feel better. I have no interest in being his friend so I am proceeding carefully.
Good idea. I know I will forever be suspicious of WH motives, unless and until I see a huge change.
I'm really nervous. I'm going to my first Meet Up tonight. It's an Ethic Restaurant group and they are having a Halloween party at a Moroccan restaurant. I hate social situations where I don't know anyone. A friend is going with me but I'm really apprehensive about what to say about myself. I guess I'll just say I'm separated from my husband and leave it at that. It looks like most of the group is women so no worries about inappropriate behavior. Most important question - take a Xanax before I go or drink when I get there.
Tomorrow night I have my monthly supper club. Theme is October Fest. I'm make Obatza, a traditional German cheese dip. And I'm bringing a tray of my homemade pickles and relish.
Best of all I have a really cute outfit to wear.
Goals for the weekend: do not contact H, take a walk Saturday and Sunday. Prepare healthy good for next week. Pay bills (yuck).
I have a feeling you are going to have a great time tonight! Why are you planning to discuss your marital status at all? When I meet new people, I generally just say, "Hi. I'm Judy. How very nice to meet you." Focus on
you, your likes, your hobbies, etc. If someone asks, separated is a good answer. No stressing about it! You didn't do anything wrong.
Supper club sounds divine...I wish I could be there!
By the way, in light of recent events, I cannot recommend a drug/alcohol combo. Better to go the "white knuckle" route.
Becky, have the drink because if you take a pill first you won't be able to drink and you might really want a glass of wine if everyone else is having one. I agree with Judy, don't mention your status, just talk about your self. Unless someone asks, no need to explain.
Also, I stopped praying for my H a couple of weeks ago. I did one huge prayer and asked God to just take over my H worries and I let it go. Haven't prayed for him since! Now I just pray for everyone else and it is very freeing emotionally.
Judy, never fear. Definitely not drugs and alcohol together.
Photo, I tried not prayer for H for awhile. Now I just pray that he comes to repentance. Not really about the R and is all that really matters. I turned his health and care over to God a while ago and it was freeing.
I guess being married and being a wife was such a part of my identify I feel insecure without it. Not valid I know. I'm working on it.
Looking forward to hearing all about your GAL activities when you get a moment.
Glad you are doing something to take you out of your comfort zone,those are the things to learn from.
Update. Friday night Meet up turned out ok. Not sure I'll find a new BFF there but it was a pleasant evening. Supper Club tonight was great.
H is coming over tomorrow to get some things. I plan to let him him in and leave. Even though he has kind of reached out lately he's said nothing to indicate he has changed his mind about OW. I 'd just rather not be around him.
Sounds prudent. Hard, but prudent. Time and patience are your constant companion. You have an opt out, and now one will blame you. You are choosing to hang in there. Maybe masochistic in some books, but I'd say realistic in another.
H just left and I am in tears. I wish I never had to see him again. Why did I think there was any hope at all?
He tried to back out of paying me for storage saying it was technically still his house too. He said again that it was money from his job buy-out that was the down payment. That is true but it's my salary that has kept us in the house. I didn't mention that. I did say I could have caused us both to spend a lot of money and gotten a court order but I didn't. And paying me was cheaper than paying for storage.
He had me sign a handwritten agreement about storage and how much he'd paid. I signed it and said he should know I'm not the kind of person he needed a signed agreement with. He said divorce was messy and you don't know what you'll do until you're put in a situation. Isn't that the truth. True character shows when tested. His is not looking too good.
My own husband, my best friend and love of my life ask me to sign an agreement about storage.
What in the heck changed from last week?
He also accidentally texted me a picture of something meant for OW. Nothing racy. Just a cute owl. Breaks my heart.
He asked if there was anything I wanted to talk about while he was here. I said no. I asked him if there was anything he needed to talk about. He mentioned again about his stuff getting ruined. I said I didn't know how that happened and he should know I'm not the kind of person who destroys things. I think he believes me.
He also asked me about me a credit card. I reminded him he opened the card and transferred a balance to it because it was lower interest. He said he didn't remember, and said he doesn't remember a lot of things.
I just hate this. I really want it over with.
That's really tough on you beckyb and you didn't deserve it.
{{{{{{beckyb}}}}}}
Let your emotions envelope you for a while and they will pass. The strong and determined beckyb will get back to the surface quicker than ever and then you can decide on what to do next. Maybe it's time to consult your plan?
We are hear for you if you want to have a good rant!
Thank you. Believe it or not that was my rant:)
I was stupid for having any hope at all and I need to get back to believing the marriage is over. I think it may be time to take a couple more legal steps. I need an agreement about the sale of the house wrapped up in order to list it by March 1st. February would be better to take advantage of the early spring buying season. Plus I want to be rid of this house so badly.
I did do one anti-DB thing this afternoon. I texted H and reminded him that he offered to pay me a storage fee. I never asked him for any money. No response but I didn't expect one.
That was a very reserved rant, you've really got yourself so under control now beckyb, be proud of yourself.
No one ever says the pain completely goes away completely, so even if you do the things you say, there will still be times when it hurts.
Do what you've said because you are ready to, not because you think it'll make you feel better. If you rush you may feel remorse for doing so. Time is the healer.
Texting regarding fins is fine, it's messaging about R or M that's a no, no.
Look back over the last few months and look at your progress, you are steadily detaching and that is the key to many things including truly finding your own self worth and to finding out if there really is a way for a new R with your H to start in the future, or whether you even want to.
The text really wasn't about finances. It was me being pissy about the fact that he offered to pay and then acted like he shouldn't be paying me when it was his idea all along. When he moved out he completely abandon the house, leaving me to take care of everything. It's fine. I asked him to leave and chose to stay here. But when when we sell he will benefit from my care and maintenance of the property.
I was doing really well detaching then a couple of weeks ago I allowed hope to take over, probably fueled by a few texts from H that seems more friendly.
I am really ready to move on from this house. It's big and a lot to take care of. I am looking forward to having my own place.
A big concern is there are things that need to be done to the house to get it ready to sell. I am expecting H to reimburse me for half the cost but we don't have any sort of agreement yet requiring him to so, so I need to be cautious. I emailed my attorney this evening with a few questions. We'll see what he advises.
It's been two weeks since I set these goals. Time for an assessment. Below are my very subjective scores
Spiritual:
•Begin every day with a devotional/bible verse - 90%
•Pray for other people every day - 100%
•Do bible study daily 75%
•Cultivate S.M. friendships - 80%
Emotional:
•Journal everyday, including 3 blessings - 75%
•Don’t worry, pray 30%
•Go to one Meet Up - 100%
•Do Radical Recovery modules 1 and 2 - 40%
•Limited DB forum to 2x per day 0%
•Do not text, email or call H - 75%
•Don’t push attorney - 100%
Physical:
•PT exercises everyday 50%
•Pilates class 2x per week - 100%
•Walk/bike 3x per week - 100%
•Prep food/veggies 2x per week 0%
Financial:
•Continue house sale prep: pack up glassware, go through 2 closets/drawers per week, install trim, fix light in basement, purge Christmas by half - getting there
•Do not use credit card - 80%
•Increase amount in savings - Still need to move some things around
•Meet with mortgage loan guy - No yet
Stop me before I do something stupid. Several times H has indicated he is owed more because we used money from his job buy for the down payment on our house. This true but legally it doesn't matter. But this hurts my feelings because my salary and bonuses have kept us in the house and allow us a nice standard of living while he was out of work.
I'm angry and hurt and afraid he will try to make this an issue with the D. I really want to set the record straight via email. Propably not a great idea.
It's been two weeks since I set these goals. Time for an assessment. Below are my very subjective scores
Spiritual:
•Begin every day with a devotional/bible verse - 90%
•Pray for other people every day - 100%
•Do bible study daily 75%
•Cultivate S.M. friendships - 80%
Emotional:
•Journal everyday, including 3 blessings - 75%
•Don’t worry, pray 30%
•Go to one Meet Up - 100%
•Do Radical Recovery modules 1 and 2 - 40%
•Limited DB forum to 2x per day 0%
•Do not text, email or call H - 75%
•Don’t push attorney - 100%
Physical:
•PT exercises everyday 50%
•Pilates class 2x per week - 100%
•Walk/bike 3x per week - 100%
•Prep food/veggies 2x per week 0%
Financial:
•Continue house sale prep: pack up glassware, go through 2 closets/drawers per week, install trim, fix light in basement, purge Christmas by half - getting there
•Do not use credit card - 80%
•Increase amount in savings - Still need to move some things around
•Meet with mortgage loan guy - No yet
This is great beckyb. Is it worth writing by each one that isn't 100% how you can improve? Are there any that need adding? Can any be removed?
Consider adding some scope where possible (how much money in savings, which days you are going to prep food/veggies...).
It is often said that stating goals in the present in other words, they a re actually happening is a good thing to do too. I am journaling every day including 3 blessings...I walk/bike 3 times per week for ?? minutes minimum...
Stop me before I do something stupid. Several times H has indicated he is owed more because we used money from his job buy for the down payment on our house. This true but legally it doesn't matter. But this hurts my feelings because my salary and bonuses have kept us in the house and allow us a nice standard of living while he was out of work.
I'm angry and hurt and afraid he will try to make this an issue with the D. I really want to set the record straight via email. Propably not a great idea.
Stop beckyb, let it go. He can't make any of this stick in the D proceedings, it's him clutching at straws, forget it and do something more important than thinking about him, your goals for instance.
The text really wasn't about finances.
It was, you were reminding him of his responsibilities.
It was me being pissy about the fact that he offered to pay and then acted like he shouldn't be paying me when it was his idea all along. When he moved out he completely abandon the house, leaving me to take care of everything. It's fine. I asked him to leave and chose to stay here. But when when we sell he will benefit from my care and maintenance of the property.
This was all in your head and not in the text, so it was about finances.
I was doing really well detaching then a couple of weeks ago I allowed hope to take over, probably fueled by a few texts from H that seems more friendly.
It happens to all of us, it shows we are human and that we care.
I am really ready to move on from this house. It's big and a lot to take care of. I am looking forward to having my own place.
Me too with my house, maybe we could have a virtual joint house warming party? You bring the food, I'll supply the drink.
A big concern is there are things that need to be done to the house to get it ready to sell. I am expecting H to reimburse me for half the cost but we don't have any sort of agreement yet requiring him to so, so I need to be cautious. I emailed my attorney this evening with a few questions. We'll see what he advises.
Your L is the best person to deal with this and you've passed it to them to deal with. I am in a similar position and will let you know what my L says if you do likewise, deal?
I do need to add some specificity. Will work on that next.
A virtually party sounds great!
I missed my attorney's call this evening. I'll have to wait until tomorrow. I'll let you know what he says.
I didn't send anything. It won't help anyway. I just wonder at what point I say screw it and say what I really think. All this keeping quiet seems pointless when I'm just going to get divorced anyway. I'm pretty sure I can only take the high road for so long.:)
Thanks for answering all my posts. I fumed all day and then saw my IC. I feel better. Tonight I'm to do my work on my bible study and practice the piano. My niece is teaching me and it's really challenging my old brain. I'm doing pretty well though.
I didn't send anything. It won't help anyway. I just wonder at what point I say screw it and say what I really think. All this keeping quiet seems pointless when I'm just going to get divorced anyway. I'm pretty sure I can only take the high road for so long.:)
When you take different road and unload, it's feel good for a very short time (less than a minute) and then it won't, that's why we are on the high road. But you knew that already didn't you.
Taking some steps. I have started to communicate with H about specific issues regarding selling our house. It kind of makes me sick to my stomach but feels good to move forward a little. I hate it but if we are going to get the house sold in a timely manner it needs to be done.
Avanti, I spoke with my L. He is going to work with H's L and try to get an agreement in place specific to the preparation and sale of the house.
I also broached the subject with H but will limit most communication to L.
That makes a lot of sense. Keep things like that in the L domain so it's all under control.
Divorce Busting means keeping our heart in a vulnerable position. Much harder than just slamming the door and moving on. Each one of us has to assess the risk vs. reward for ourselves.
So true! DB'ing is the toughest thing I have ever had to do in my life.
Glad I'm not alone in this journey!
Many here say DBing is to make us better, not to save our marriage. I disagree. Making us better is a great benefit of the process.
But if I completely closed the door on my marriage there a lot of other programs/ways I could improve and move on, and that protect my heart from hopes that may be dashed.
I am doing things a certain way because I believe in marriage, do have a little hope and want to keep the door open - even if it's just a crack. I continually have to re-assess that decision.
That is a very reflective post beckyb.
Had you considered using it as a close to this thread and so the next one started with what you see as the next step in your DB'ing journey?
I just feel like I can't deal today. So exhausted and depressed. I want to go back to bed and stay there.
Not an option though. I have to take care of my job.
Many here say DBing is to make us better, not to save our marriage. I disagree. Making us better is a great benefit of the process
Excellent post, beckyb! I thought that the whole intent of DBing is to save the marriage? I agree - making us better as a person is a great benefit.
I am doing things a certain way because I believe in marriage, do have a little hope and want to keep the door open - even if it's just a crack. I continually have to re-assess that decision.
I am in the same boat with you, beckyb. I also believe in marriage. My door will always be open unless the unthinkable happens. As long as her door is cracked, I will always have hope. And that is what I have to cling to.
I just feel like I can't deal today. So exhausted and depressed. I want to go back to bed and stay there.
I have those days, also. And lately it seems that these past few days have been like that. I have been following your thread closely. Keep your chin up!
Thanks, E. My H has given me no reason to hope but my DB coach points out some interesting signs/behaviors. While my situation is definitely very difficult he has seen similar situations turn around. I just have to live in the tension of moving forward and maintaining hope. It's really hard.
Becky, as strange as it may sound, I have hope, too. I hope my H comes to a realization of his behavior and is appalled. I hope that he returns to the loving man I knew. I hope that we can R eventually. I believe he is my only husband, and I can't give up on him. I pray for him daily. I know I am headed for a lonely future with this hope and belief, but I feel like I am honoring my faith and belief in God and His plan. People who don't understand will think I'm crazy and pathetic. I love the man, despise his behaviors and choices. I believe in marriage...a piece of paper won't change my status.
All this to say, I completely understand. I have to take a different DB path than you for my safety, but my ultimate goal is to R my M.
Ancaire, I pray one thing for my H. I pray that he will repent before God. That is the only thing that matters. He could feel sorry, he could even regret the A but unless he experiences true repentance things will not change. I also ask God to help me accept my circumstance and give me wisdom to know each next step.
Please start a new thread