Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: Cadet DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 10/15/15 12:22 PM
First thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2321264#Post2321264

Start off with an older one from twitter

Michele Weiner-Davis
DivorceBusting Sep 14

More important than being "in love," is being "in like."
You have to like your spouse for a marriage to thrive.
Do you like your spouse?
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 10/16/15 03:20 PM
Divorce Busting
10/16/15

When people divorce, there are many losses.
A shared history is one of them.
Frequently, people say that this is one of the most painful aspects of divorce,
memories that are shared together that no one else in the world will ever completely understand.
Think about it.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 10/19/15 05:55 PM
Divorce Busting
10/19/15

Despite what people often think, the past doesn't dictate the future.
How you think about the future influences the future even more.
Weigh in.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 10/20/15 04:22 PM
Divorce Busting
Re-posted today from
October 31, 2014 ·

If your spouse is thinking about divorce and says terrible things to you- rewriting history- don't believe it.
And don't argue about it.
You know the truth in your heart.
Trust your instincts!

Michele Weiner-Davis (via Divorce Busting)
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 10/21/15 05:42 PM
The Walkaway Wife Syndrome
Two-thirds of all.
Posted Mar 30, 2008


For the past two decades I have devoted myself to helping couples work out their differences in order to keep their marriages and families together.
This marriage-saving passion is not based on religious beliefs nor do I think that divorce is morally wrong.
My divorce busting (link is external) bias is simply based on my firm conviction that the vast majority of problems that people are experiencing when they consider divorce are, without question, solvable. Over the years, I’ve had countless experiences of helping near-the-brink couples reinvest in their marriages and fall back in love again. That being said, there is one particular situation that I find particularly challenging.
I refer to it as, “The Walkaway Wife Syndrome.”

Do you know that two-thirds of all the divorces that are filed in our country are filed by women? This is not to say that women take their commitment to their marriages lightly. They don’t. Most women believe that they have tried everything humanly possible to turn things around before throwing in the towel. Nonetheless, women are walking away from their marriages in droves. Why? Although there are a variety of reasons that might account for this mass exiting, there is one reason that, in my mind, stands out above the rest.

During the early years of marriage, a woman tends to be the emotional caretaker of her relationship. She makes certain her marriage remains a priority, insisting on quality time together, meaningful conversation and shared activities. When a woman feels close to her husband, all is right in the world. However, if the marriage takes a back seat to other commitments, she pursues her husband for more connection by having frequent heart-to-heart talks.
If these tête-à-têtes are successful, the marriage blossoms. If not, her complaints are no longer confined to her feeling unimportant. She begins to find fault with many other aspects of their relationship. He hears, “If I had known what kind of father you’d be, I never would have had children with you,” or “What can’t you pick up after yourself? You’re just like one of the kids.”

Suffice it to say, these complaints hardly prompt him to want to spend more time with her. And so, she quietly plans her exit strategy. She tells herself, “I’ll leave when my youngest goes to college, or “I’m going to find my soul mate and then I’ll leave this marriage,” or “As soon as I can support myself financially, I’m outta’ here.”

Exit strategies often take years to execute and during that time women are focused on fortifying their resources, not fixing their marriages. The absence of complaints has their husbands believing that things have improved; they’re out of the dog house. “No news is good news,” they tell themselves as they obliviously continue to lead separate lives. But then “D-Day” arrives and their wives inform them that the marriages are over, triggering shock and devastation. “Why didn’t you tell me you were this unhappy,” these men protest, words that finally nail the marital coffin shut. It is then that they start to recognize the importance of their wives and their children. They become desperate to save their marriages.

It is said that people don’t change until they hit rock bottom and I can tell you first hand that the bottom doesn’t get any lower than the earth beneath these men’s feet. The threat of divorce generates true soul-searching. These are the men who readily schedule appointments for therapy, sign up for marriage seminars, read every self-help book they can get their hands on, seek spiritual connection and even risk vulnerability by discussing the f-word (feelings) with friends and family. Gradually, they become the husbands these women have been wanting.

But for so many women it’s “too little, too late,” or “I know this is not going to last. If I stay in this marriage, you will go back to your old shenanigans,” which, though completely understandable, is nonetheless, tragic. That’s because, rather than feign “appropriate husband behavior,” most of these men sincerely undergo a personal transformation that shifts their priorities forever. They typically make great second husbands. Every time a near-walkaway wife or her husband enters my office, I’m determined to do what I can to open her heart and mind to see the profound changes in her man. I’m often successful, but I must admit, this is one of the trickiest clinical knots to untie. I’d much prefer that couples really grasped the concept that time together is of utmost importance and that nagging, though well-intended, almost always backfires. That’s why I’m a huge proponent of marriage education. Falling in love is easy, staying in love is another matter. People need information and skills to stay in love.
If I had my way, I’d teach myself out of a job.
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 10/22/15 05:19 PM
Divorce Busting
10/22/15


Some therapists declare marriages dead when they, themselves aren't comfortable with the dynamics in the relationship.
But the truth is, that SHOULDN'T be the criteria.

There is lots of variation in relationships that work.
What makes one person happy or unhappy is completely different from what makes another person feel that way.
Be very careful when you seek professional advice.
Remember that ALL therapists have biases.
There is no such thing as unbiased therapy!
Do you therapist-shopping homework carefully!

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 10/23/15 06:09 PM
Divorce Busting
10/23/15


After reading my Walkaway Wife Syndrome article, a man posted this on Psychology Today.
There is hope
My wife and I have been married for 6 years.
We went through the SAME thing this summer.
She gave up 2-3 years ago, opened a bank account, and started saving to go somewhere new.
We were separated for 4 months and during that
time, the man I was died.
Through a HUGE amount of work, trust, and pain, my wife and I are back together.
There is hope.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 10/26/15 02:59 PM
Divorce Busting
10/26/15

Some people tell me that they've fallen out of love - as if falling out of love is like falling off a ladder- it just happens.
It doesn't just happen.
It means that you have stopped doing the things you did back in the days when you felt love.
Love happens when you pay attention, show kindness, and make your relationship a # 1 priority.
If you stop doing those things and you feel that love is gone, don't be surprised!!

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 10/27/15 03:05 PM
Divorce Busting
10/27/15


Instead of telling your spouse what bothers you,
tell your spouse what you'd like to have happen instead.
Talking about what bothers you is complaining.
Asking for what you want is a request for change.
Requests for change usually yield less defensiveness than criticism.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 10/28/15 08:47 PM
Divorce Busting
10/28/15


If you are going to validate your spouse's feelings,
don't say, "I really understand how you feel,
but
(and then add a comment about how you've been hurt too).

People tend to hear only what follows the word,
"but."
That qualifier prevents real connection.
Just validate and then be quiet.
Don't feel like you have to have the last word.
S/he who speaks last, fights.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 10/29/15 06:09 PM
Divorce Busting
10/29/15

People often tell me that they felt "alive" when they were having an affair.
That's not surprising.
An affair is new, exciting, illicit.
Additionally, and even more importantly,
one of the the reasons affairs make people feel alive is the amount of energy they put into the relationships with their affair partners.
If they put that same level of energy into their marriages, it would undoubtedly liven things up as well.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 11/02/15 05:05 PM
Divorce Busting
11/1/2015


One of the hardest things about divorce is that it is almost always a one-sided decision.
This means that the spouse wanting the marriage to work feels incredibly rejected.
In brain scans, when a person feels rejected, the same parts of the brain light up as if there were physical pain.
Rejection hurts people's bodies, minds and spirits.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 11/03/15 05:54 PM

Divorce Busting
11/3/2015

Many people make the mistake of assuming they know what their spouses thinking.
Additionally, people also think that their spouses should just know how they feel.
Here's the deal.
No one is a mind reader.
We have to let our spouses know what we think and feel.
We have to constructively coach them as to what will make our lives more fulfilling.
Don't assume- communicate.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 11/04/15 07:08 PM
Divorce Busting
11/4/15 Boulder, CO

If you are going to go to a marriage therapist,
you should promise yourself that no matter what,
you are going to be honest.
It always amazes me when people come to my practice and
aren't forthcoming about what they really feel or what they are doing in their lives.
They keep secrets.
What a colossal waste of time and money.
Face the problems.
Get your cards out in the open.
Let the healing begin.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 11/05/15 04:02 PM
Divorce Busting
11/5/15 Boulder, CO

If one person wins in an argument, you both lose.
Be collaborative.
Put yourself in your partner's shoes.
Have your talks be win-win situations.
Love thrives when you care about each others' feelings.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 11/07/15 05:44 PM
If You Want To Save Your Marriage After An Affair, Read This
Forgiveness isn't going to happen overnight

Brittany Wong
Divorce Editor, The Huffington Post
Posted: 11/04/2015 06:41 PM EST | Edited: 11/04/2015 07:18 PM EST

It's not affairs that break up marriages: It's the unfaithful spouse's inability to be honest about what happened and leave the affair behind them, says Caroline Madden, a Burbank, California-based marriage therapist who specializes in affair recovery.

"When I see couples divorce after an affair, it's not usually because of the infidelity itself: The betrayed spouse simply gave up trying when their husband or wife continued to be selfish, shady, and untrustworthy," said Madden, the author of Fool Me Once: Should I Take Back My Cheating Husband?

If you're the partner who cheated, how do you prove to your spouse that you're committing to regaining their trust? Below, Madden and other experts share their best advice.


CANVA
Be upfront with your spouse about the extent of the affair right from the start, said Madden. She's seen firsthand how damaging it can be when an unfaithful spouse withholds information after the initial confession.

"Spouses repeatedly tell me that what made them leave the relationship wasn't the affair -- it was the drip, drip, drip of the truth that slowly leaked out over a long period of time," she said. "They would just get used to the facts that had been revealed, start to adjust and trust again and then boom -- more information would surface."

The best approach, said Madden, is ripping off the Band-Aid all at once: Share vital details about the affair -- how long it lasted, what you told your affair partner about your marriage -- at the beginning so your spouse can decide if he or she can forgive "with eyes wide open."


CANVA
Answer every question your spouse has after you've come clean about the affair, said Michele Weiner-Davis, a Boulder, Colorado-based marriage therapist and the author of Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again.

"Be willing to do whatever your spouse needs to feel more secure in the relationship, whether it's sharing information about cell phones, texts, Facebook posts or credit card bills," she said. "It might also include sharing detailed information about one's whereabouts whenever needed. This period of increased accountability shouldn't last forever, but it proves you're committed to doing whatever it takes to get the relationship back on track."



CANVA
It should go without saying that you need to break off contact with the other woman or man. But you also need to 'fess up if they reach out to you, said Madden.

"If you get an email, text or any form of initiation from your affair partner, tell your wife or husband right away. Why? Because if you hide or delete evidence of that contact -- and your spouse finds out -- it will be a nuclear winter for your marriage," she said. "Your spouse will sense that you're withholding information and doing things behind their back. All the progress you made will be lost."


CANVA
Taking full responsibility for the affair also means getting tested for any sexually transmitted diseases you may have contracted, said Madden.

"One of the things I think almost all the women who've come into my office have said is that the most embarrassing part of the affair was having to go to the doctor and be tested for an STD," she said. "If you've been unfaithful, show your spouse the results of your test. If he or she gets tested, ask to go along as a gesture of support."


CANVA
Hiding the affair took time, energy and attention away from your family. Now that it's over, go out of your way to show your spouse that you're ready to rededicate yourself to the marriage, whether that means attending couples counseling or spending more time with family.

"All the energy that's gone into maintaining one exciting relationship -- the affair -- needs to go back to your primary relationships, including your spouse, children and extended family," said Sharon Gilchrest O'Neill, a marriage and family therapist and the author of A Short Guide to a Happy Marriage.


CANVA
Forgiveness is not going to happen overnight. Once you've admitted to cheating and you feel ready to move on, your spouse might continue to press you for answers about what happened. Be willing to rehash the details of the affair, regardless of how difficult it might be for you, said Weiner-Davis.

"Research shows that if the betrayed spouse needs to process what happened or talk about feelings, healing won't happen unless the unfaithful spouse is willing to participate in the conversation openly and honestly, in a reassuring way," she said. "Sometimes the unfaithful spouse's shame gets in the way of being present for these conversations. Know that you can acknowledge that shame and still be willing to put it aside so your partner knows their needs are paramount."


CANVA
Confessing and apologizing for your betrayal isn't enough; you need to take full ownership for the affair and be sincere in your efforts to make amends, said Weiner-Davis.

"Apologies need to include explanations for why the unfaithful spouse is sorry," she said. "For a period of time, apologies may need to happen frequently, sometimes periodically for months or even years. Genuine remorse is healing. And note that your spouse should be thanking you for expressing that remorse."



CANVA
Ultimately, your spouse has the final say in whether or not your affair is grounds to end the marriage. To prove that your relationship is worth saving, reconnect with your spouse in a meaningful way, said Gilchrest O'Neill.

"Your spouse will feel needy for that connection now more than ever before," she said. "Take responsibility for having calm, quiet, focused time together. Time for just the two of you, with your phone turned off: Make eye contact, show positive body language. You'll find that this is the kind of connection that sustains your relationship for the long haul."
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 11/09/15 08:00 PM
Divorce Busting
11/9/15 Boulder, CO

Although this doesn't always happen,
when the spouse wanting out says,
"As we divorce,
I want to do what's in the best interest of my kids,"
I think to myself,
"Then stay married and work things out."
What do you think?

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 11/10/15 06:04 PM
From twitter
Oct 28

Michele Weiner-Davis
@DivorceBusting

You can trade your spouse in for another partner, but everyone is a package deal.
Soon, faults arise and you must deal with your differences
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 11/11/15 06:20 PM
From twitter
Oct 30

Michele Weiner-Davis ‏
@DivorceBusting

Being married and not feeling close is a waste of life.
Don't waste another day. Reach out, even if you feel you've been wronged.
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 11/12/15 10:28 PM
From twitter
Nov 6

Michele Weiner-Davis
@DivorceBusting
When you're married with kids,
extended families,
demanding careers and hobbies that interest you,
the 1st priority MUST be your marriage.
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 11/13/15 11:21 AM
Divorce Busting
11/12/15 Boulder, CO

Some people say that you can predict how a whole evening will go within the first few seconds of greeting each other.
Cordial greetings yield pleasant times together.
Cold ones result in discord.
That said, go out of your way to be loving and warm, even if you're expecting your spouse to come home in a grouchy mood.
You can change the course of the evening by tipping over the first domino in a positive direction.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 11/23/15 04:31 PM
Divorce Busting
November 13 at 10:48am · Boulder, CO ·

The couples in my practice spend too much time debating who is right and who is wrong about their needs and feelings.
The truth is, in most cases, BOTH people are right.
It's the case of 2 rights.
The key is in finding ways to compromise, negotiate, take care of each other's feelings.
Stop arguing about who sees things correctly.
Use your creativity to figure out solutions that meet in the middle.
Healthy marriages are built on mutual care-taking.
Michele Weiner-Davis


Divorce Busting
November 16 at 12:40pm · Boulder, CO ·

When I work with couples, it is so apparent how non-verbal communication so often trumps words.
A sarcastic glance, raised tone, rolled eyes, crossed arms, lack of eye contact all speak volumes.
When you discuss things with your partner, try as hard as you can to have your body language signal compassion, caring and being present.
Communicate love, not defensiveness.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 11/24/15 04:40 PM
Divorce Busting
November 17 at 12:49pm · Boulder, CO ·

One of my clients expressed concern that her husband's individual therapist might be
encouraging him to leave the marriage.
Quite honestly, I shared the concern.
That said, if your spouse is considering leaving and
going to an individual therapist who you don't trust has the marriage's best interest at heart,
there is little you can do.
Don't try to influence your spouse to stop going.
Don't try to explain your concern.
You will just make matters worse.
Let things be.
Focus on what you need to be doing.
Think positively.
Go for a hike.
Talk to a friend.
The rest is out of your control.
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
November 18 at 1:58pm · Boulder, CO ·

People often say that the institution of marriage doesn't work.
Although I certainly agree that it isn't perfect,
my question is, "What works better,?"- open marriage, living together, being single for the rest of your life?
I'm open to suggestions.
Despite its imperfections, I think marriage is here to stay.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 11/25/15 03:38 PM
Divorce Busting
November 19 at 12:13pm · Boulder, CO ·

I've worked with many spouses who believe that their job- working,
taking care of the kids-is much harder than the other person's job.
They argue about it all the time.
This is sad because the truth is,
they both work hard.
And instead of realizing that they're a good team and pulling together and appreciating their efforts,
they pull each other down.
Take time to appreciate your spouse's contributions.
This is always a 2-way street.
Take care of each other.
Celebrate your collaboration, don't fight.
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
November 23 at 11:37am · Boulder, CO ·

With Thanksgiving right around the corner,
it's a great opportunity to reflect on what we are grateful for.
Weigh in on the things/people who give your life meaning.

What are you thankful for?
health, home, family, friends, food
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 12/01/15 05:44 PM
Divorce Busting
November 24 at 12:41pm · Boulder, CO

So many people say, "Let's just get through the holidays and after New Year's we can get a divorce.
I don't want to ruin the kids' holidays."

Hello?

With this strategy, you might prevent sadness on one particular holiday season, but what about the impact on the holidays to come, year after year?

If you want to create happy memories, give your kids the gift of working things out.
That's more valuable that anything you can gift-wrap in a box.

Think about it.

Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
12/1/15 Boulder, CO ·

I was hiking along a path and everyone I passed said,
"Hello," and smiled.
What a wonderful thing.
It not only made me feel good, it prompted me to be even friendlier to the next passerby.
Kindness is contagious.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 12/08/15 12:15 PM
Divorce Busting
December 2 at 10:15am · Boulder, CO

Love is never enough.
Falling in love is easy.
Staying in love is another matter.
You need to know how to make a relationship work in order to keep love alive.
We're not born knowing how to create loving relationships.
If we didn't have great role models growing up, there's no way we can know what to do when things get tough.
That is, unless you learn new relationship skills.
Don't believe the myth that relationships just come naturally.
They do only after you know the formula for creating lasting love.
Take a relationship skill-building class.
Go to a therapist who also teaches skills.
Read great self-help books.
Become an educated partner.
Then pass this wisdom down to your children.
The world will be a better place.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 12/08/15 07:45 PM
Divorce Busting
December 3 at 8:53am · Boulder, CO

If you feel misunderstood by your spouse, it's entirely possible that your spouse feels misunderstood by you.
Tell your spouse you get what he or she is saying without adding your own point of view.
Watch what happens next.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 12/09/15 02:38 PM
Divorce Busting
December 7 at 6:17pm

If you are anticipating sad holidays because your marriage isn't where you would like it to be,
decide that you are going to put positive energy into making your holiday a memorable one anyway.
Start a new tradition.

Surround yourself with people who do love you.
Watch your thoughts....keep reminding yourself of your intention to make your spirits bright.

Not easy?
Few things in life really are, especially when things don't go the way you plan.
Still, you can do it. You can make the best of a tough situation.
And then you can feel proud about your determination to love yourself enough to weather the storm.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 12/10/15 08:01 PM
Divorce Busting
December 8 at 11:40am

Too many people think that they've been clear with their spouses about
their unhappiness when they really haven't.
Although their spouses know things aren't perfect, the truth is,
no one believes that the marriage will end because of that.
If you're truly thinking of leaving because things are so bad,
TELL your spouse that and
make sure you don't do it when you're fighting.
We all say things we don't mean when we're angry.
Give your spouse a fighting chance to change.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 12/11/15 07:29 PM
Divorce Busting
12/10/15

Imagine what it would be like if all kids were required to take relationship skill building classes starting from an early age.
Picture how the world would be different if people knew how to create loving, healthy relationships even if they weren't fortunate enough to have had that growing up.

When I work with couples, I teach them practical methods for breaking out of unproductive relationship ruts.
It's amazing what people can do with a little bit of information.
They can transform their lives.
Why not start earlier?

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 12/16/15 06:22 PM
Divorce Busting
December 11 at 1:49pm

When you bring kids into the world,
you owe it to them to make sure you leave no stone unturned if you are having marital problems and
are considering divorce.
Except in very toxic marriages,
most children really want and
need their parents to stay together.
Kids don't much care about boring or passionless marriages.
They just want their parents to tuck them in bed at night...together.
So, if you are at a breaking point with your spouse and you have kids,
please do whatever is humanly possible to turn things around.
Without question, strengthening your marriage is the best thing you can do for your children.
What do you think?

Michele Weiner-Davis




Divorce Busting
December 13 at 4:03pm

I've realized that I'm totally intolerant of intolerance.
Guess I have work to do.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 12/17/15 06:41 PM
Divorce Busting
December 14 at 3:51pm

People often ask me if I think lawmakers should make getting a divorce more difficult.
Truly, I think a better solution is to make getting married more difficult.
In order to get a license, we should require basic relationship skills.
Most licenses require coursework, why not a marriage license?
Michele Weiner-Davis





Divorce Busting
December 15 at 1:25pm

The divorce rate has leveled off in all demographic groups except for people who have been married 20 years or more.
They call it, "Grey Divorce."
My take on this is that so many people have put their relationships on the back burner while their kids are being raised only to find they have NO relationship when kids leave home.
Love doesn't wait.
What do you think?
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 12/18/15 02:18 PM
Divorce Busting
December 15 at 6:29pm

Today I was at Home Depot and noticed that a woman was very knowledgeable about the questions I had.
I complimented her,
telling her that she really knew her stuff.
She beamed as she told me that this was her first real job in her whole life.
I said, "Wow, that's amazing.
You're great."
Her smile made my day.
Giving is such a gift, isn't it?

Michele Weiner-Davis




Divorce Busting
12/17/15

One of the most regrettable things about divorce when children are involved is that it doesn't just end marriages,
it ends families.
As an adult child of divorce,
I am speaking firsthand.
My parents' divorce when I was 16 years old dissolved my close-knit family life forever.
Unfortunately, too many people learn about this fallout of divorce too late.

I'm here to spread the word.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 12/21/15 02:53 PM
From Michele's personal facebook page

Michele Weiner-Davis feeling emotional.
December 19 at 12:39pm · Boulder, CO

So, here's a request- that you all think of me.
I am going to have surgery- a complete shoulder replacement.
I'm pretty anxious about it (to say the least) but I'm hoping it changes my life in positive ways after the recovery.
I know, deep breaths.


I know personally I wish MWD well and will add my thoughts for her well being - Cadet.
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 12/27/15 01:53 PM
From twitter

Michele Weiner-Davis
@DivorceBusting Dec 22

If you continue to look @ differences in sexual desire levels as your spouse's problem instead of a couples problem,you're courting disaster
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 01/09/16 12:10 PM
Divorce Busting
January 1 at 5:24pm · Boulder, CO

For those of you trying hard to save your marriages,
I know I have been missing in action for a few weeks.
I have had major surgery- a shoulder replacement- and I've been focusing on my recovery and healing.
I hope each and every one of you has a healthy and happy 2016.
I know that the holiday season is often the most difficult time of the year.
It is my hope that you are feeling strong and that you are surrounding yourself with people you love and
people who love you.
This suggestion applies beyond the holidays!
Here's wishing you and your family a healthy and happy New Year. Much love too!
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
January 6 at 3:56pm · Boulder, CO

As I told you all, I have just undergone shoulder surgery and
it is reminding me of several lessons I always teach people when they're struggling in their marriages.
The first is the importance of patience.
Your marital problems were a long time in the making.
Change never happens over night.
If you are impatient, you will behave in ways what will make positive outcomes less likely.
Going slowly speeds things up.
The second is not to assume that the way you're feeling right now- down- is the way you will be feeling forever.
Things will change.
Your feelings will change.
You must keep perspective.
Honor your feelings now, but don't get swallowed by them.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 01/13/16 05:55 PM
Divorce Busting
Yesterday at 12:27pm · Boulder, CO


Today's topic is warning signs before you marry that alert you to trouble spots. These red flags CAN be worked through.
Here are 10 pre-marital red flags:
1. You have no effective way to discuss your differences. You end up sweeping things under the carpet or fighting without resolution
2. You haven't discussed and agreed upon important life issues such as where you want to live, whether or not you'll have children, parenting styles if you already have kids, hopes and dreams for your futures
3. One person isn't interested in being physical
4. Arguments that are over-the-top hurtful and of course, any sign of physical violence
5. If one partner abuses substances and is unwilling to work on those issues.
6. Major differences in feelings about in-laws and extended family
7. Authoritative rather than collaborative decision-making styles
8. An unwillingness to ever take personal responsibility for problems
9. Other activities- work, friends, family, children, etc.- always take precedence over the relationship
10. An aversion to getting professional help when necessary
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 01/14/16 11:02 AM
Divorce Busting
1/14/16 · Boulder, CO

I've said it before, I'll say it again.
One of the hardest parts of divorce is that it is almost always a unilateral decision -
one person wants it and the other desperately does not.
How is it that life-transforming decisions can be so blatantly unfair?
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 01/21/16 11:00 AM
Divorce Busting
January 16 at 4:16pm · Boulder, CO

People often say that their affair had nothing to do with their decision to divorce.
They are fooling themselves.
Although the affair might be a symptom of an underlying problem, once people feel the infatuation of a new relationship, it colors how they feel about their marriage.
At least it is important to be honest with oneself.
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
January 19 at 12:59pm · Boulder, CO

There's a saying that people don't make fundamental changes until they hit rock bottom.
Although this isn't always true, sometimes it takes things getting really bad, where one spouse is ready to leave the marriage, before the other spouse truly realizes what's at stake.
Once this realization happens, I've seen people make real and lasting changes.
Is it unfortunate that it took so long?
Maybe.
But I always say, "Better late than never."
Michele Weiner-Davis

Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 01/25/16 06:37 AM
Divorce Busting
January 20 at 11:47am · Boulder, CO ·

If your spouse is saying he or she wants out and you've been fighting for your marriage,
I want to remind you today that you have to be patient.
Fighting for one's marriage is more like running a marathon than doing a sprint.
You will undoubtedly hit your wall, but you have to continue to put one foot in front of the other until you reach the finish line.
Are you running a marriage marathon?
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 01/26/16 10:00 AM
Divorce Busting
January 22 at 1:51pm · Boulder, CO

Some people think that I'm anti-divorce.
Actually, I'm not anti-divorce; I think that some truly unhealthy marriages should end.
That said, I also believe that most of the divorces in our country are unnecessary because
most of the problems encountered by couples considering divorce are solvable.

I work with couples teetering on the brink of divorce and
the vast majority of them find solutions and begin to reconnect emotionally.
That's why I'm a psychotic optimist.
What do you think about this?
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 01/30/16 06:33 AM
Divorce Busting
January 25 at 1:14pm · Boulder, CO

Some people think that letting small, irritating things slide in relationships is being weak.
In truth, the worst possible advice you can give newlywed couples is to talk about your feelings when anything bothers you.
All long-term healthy couples will tell you that in loving relationships, you have to choose your battles wisely.
The challenge is to figure out what you can let slide and what requires attention.
It's worth the challenge and it's not a sign of weakness to drop something when you've been triggered.
What do you think?
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
January 26 at 11:47am · Boulder, CO

People often accuse their partners of being "controlling." Some people ARE controlling.
However, show me a marriage where one spouse is considered controlling and
I will show you a marriage where the other spouse often fails to take a strong stand on things that are important to him or her OR simply stuffs feelings inside so the "controlling" spouse remains in the dark.
If someone is in the dark about their partners' true feelings, they can't take those feelings into account.
If you have a "controlling spouse," learn how to stand your ground or draw a line in the sand. Divorce doesn't solve the problem.
Working on it does. -
Pass this on to someone who will benefit from reading it.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 02/01/16 10:36 AM
Divorce Busting
January 27 at 3:50pm · Boulder, CO

People always say, "I wish my spouse would read your posts."
I get it.
It would be great for your spouse to hear my words, words you have spoken that have been unheeded.
But your spouse will probably dismiss my words as readily as s/he has yours.
The key is to focus on yourself and make sure you're doing everything you can to bring your spouse closer and that you're stopping doing things that push your spouse further away.
Debating with your spouse about his or her thoughts, views, or intentions only backfires.
Do what works, even if it's hard.
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
January 28 at 1:09pm · Boulder, CO

I'm writing a book on infidelity and wonder if any of you have questions you would like for me to address.
If so, post them here!
If not, pass along to someone who might.
Thanks!
Michele Weiner-Davis

Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 02/02/16 08:05 AM
Divorce Busting
January 30 at 11:32am

We all make mistakes.
It is good to acknowledge them and do our best to correct them as we move forward.
Even if your spouse's heart isn't open right now, you can still be a better person.
If you had to describe one mistake you think you made in your marriage, what would it be?
Weigh in.
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
2/1/16· Boulder, CO

One of the things people whose spouses want out have in common is PANIC.
When you panic,
you often do things that hurt your cause.
Begging, pleading, chasing, debating, threatening are usual responses when panic sets in.
If you have done any of these things, don't beat yourself up.
You can't undo the past, but you can create a new future.
You have to be more strategic.
Take a deep breath.
Be calm and stop chasing.
That will be a very good first step.
Pass this on to someone who has been panicking.

Comments?

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 02/03/16 10:41 AM
Divorce Busting
2/2/2016· Boulder, CO

Most divorces are unilateral decisions- one person wants it and the other desperately does not.
If these people are parents, a question often arises- "How do we tell the kids about the divorce?"
The spouse wanting out usually wants to present a united front.
But the other spouse feels it's a lie.
What are parents to do?
Here is the very unconventional advice I offer couples.
Weigh in on what you think, and pass this on to someone dealing with this dilemma!

Michele Weiner-Davis


Edit - add article

Kids, Your Dad Wants a Divorce
Should parents present a united front when telling the kids about divorce?
Posted May 11, 2015

No one, especially not parents, takes the decision to divorce lightly. Most people flounder in their marriages for long periods of time and question themselves endlessly before throwing in the towel. The last thing parents want to do is to hurt their children. That’s why when it comes time to break the news to the kids, people want guidelines to help minimize the pain. That’s when they turn to the experts.

Most advice is sound- don’t talk about divorce unless you’re certain it’s going to happen, remind the kids the divorce isn’t their fault and that they will be taken care of and loved by both parents, outline the ways in which their lives will change and/or remain the same and don’t burden them unnecessarily with details and so on.

However, there is a consensus among professionals about a particular piece of advice with which I vehemently disagree. It goes like this- When breaking the news to the kids, parents should always present a united front. Regardless of the reasons for the divorce, parents are instructed to say that it is a decision made by both of them.

Really?

The truth is that most divorces in our country are unilateral decisions- one person wants out and the other desperately wants to keep the marriage and family together. In the rare situation where both partners are equally motivated to end their marriage, a united front makes sense. But when two parents are at odds about the viability of their relationship and tell the children that it is a mutual decision, it is a flat-out lie.

There are several problems with lying to your children.

First, kids are so much smarter than we give them credit for. If they don’t recognize there’s a discrepancy between their parents’ views of divorce at the time the news is announced, eventually, they will. And then they will know that their parents lied, not exactly the world’s best legacy.

Parents generally preach the importance of honesty. Research tells us that the axiom, “Actions speak louder than words,” is an accurate description of the way kids actually learn life’s lessons from their parents. They do as we do, not as we say. Furthermore, when they figure out the truth, which they will, they will feel deceived. No one wants that for our children.

Secondly, it is frequently the case that the parent who desperately wants to save the marriage places the utmost value on not being a quitter in life, of staying the course even when things aren’t easy. When tough situations arise in their children’s lives, these parents have encouraged them to stick things out despite the fact that dropping out might be easier or more fun.

To the parent who prizes stick-to-it-tive-ness, presenting a united front about the dissolution of the marriage defies every bone in his or her body; it’s disingenuous. It just can’t be done.

That said, presenting something less than a united front can be tricky. It can lead to a labyrinth of blame and counter-blame. It can tempt the spouse who wants out to justify the choice by explaining the source of unhappiness with the other partner, which is too much information for children. Plus, things can escalate from there.

Children may be inclined to take sides or feel the need to be emotional caretakers for the parent who seems sad or angry about the marriage ending.

In order to avoid these unfortunate outcomes, how can two people with opposing goals and visions for the future talk to their children about their impending divorce?

The fact is, there is no perfect solution to this dilemma.

But why not consider the following. Parents could tell their children that they have been fighting a lot lately and disagreeing on many things, including what should happen with their marriage. Nonetheless, since it takes two people to want to make a marriage work, they are going to _____(divorce/separate). There is no need to go into detail about why one person wants out and the other doesn’t.

Then, the couple could shift the conversation to emphasize those things about which they do agree- (this is where one inserts what conventional wisdom suggests)- that they love their children, and the children are not to blame for the divorce, and a description of the plan for their future, and so on.

Telling the truth to children is by no means a panacea for the pain they will feel about the disruption in their lives due to their parents’ divorce. But it goes a long way to setting a positive precedent for honest and open parent-child communication. William Shakespeare once wrote, “No legacy is so rich as honesty.”
Posted By: JellyB Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 02/03/16 02:47 PM
Bump. Bump, Bump...I'm heading there now Cadet. I get asked this question alot in my work, and I know I friend who asked about this recently too!

This is such an important issue. We all want to save our children the distress that we experience as adults. Thanks for highlighting this Cadet and MWD!

Jellyxxx
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 02/06/16 07:26 AM
Divorce Busting
2/5/16 · Boulder, CO

So many couples in my practice can't understand why their marriages are falling apart when,
after all, they've been such incredible parents and
their families are wonderful.
I always tell people that the best thing you can do for your kids is to put your marriage first.
If you don't, eventually you won't have a marriage and how great is that for your kids?
Don't allow your marriage to be kid-centric.
Have regular date nights and uninterrupted time at home.
Be affectionate in front of your children.
When they see you argue, let them see you also make up.
Make sure they understand how the marriage is the center of the family.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 02/09/16 06:33 AM
2/18/16


Dreading Valentine's Day?

Romantic dinners at candlelit restaurants, Godiva chocolates, two dozen long-stem roses, sentimental Hallmark cards- the stuff Valentine's Day is made of.

But what if your relationship is on the rocks and Valentine's Day is just another painful reminder that your life isn't what you hoped it would be?
Then what do you do?

I know, this isn't exactly an uplifting topic, but the truth is, the vast majority of people in my practice are not exactly big Valentine's Day enthusiasts.
My practice generally consists of one spouse who desperately wants out of the marriage and the other who wants nothing more than to live happily ever after.

So, what can you do if a romantic dinner and words of affirmation are not on the agenda for you this year?

First, have a plan regarding how you will approach the day.
Get some feedback from friends, family or a therapist regarding questions like,
"Should I buy my wife a card or get her a gift when I know she is pulling away?"
"Would it be a good idea to simply ignore the day or would my spouse take offense?"
"I would love to plan a romantic dinner but I don't know if my husband would feel too pressured."
"We're separated.
Should I even email or text my wife?"

Next, if you're not going to be with the one you love, plan something nice for yourself.

When I asked people what they could do to avoid throwing a pity party on Valentine's Day, here's what some had to say:

"Spa treatments always make me feel special"

"I 'm hoping my 'rocky' Valentine's Day turns out better than I'm expecting, but if not, I still plan on getting a new haircut and a facial."

And I like this one the most-

"My children and I began a new Valentine`s day tradition. We have a big tea party complete with tea sandwiches and scones. I write love notes to each child and we have a lot of fun.

Valentine's Day lost its meaning when my husband and I were separated and I decided to make it special regardless of my situation. He has been home now for over 3 years but we still continue this new tradition and celebrate together as a couple in the evening."

So, while those of us who are fortunate enough to be with spouses who share our desire to celebrate our relationships, we should be mindful of those who, for this year, at least, have missed Cupid's arrow.

Special Valentine's Day Offer

As a special Valentine's Day offer, if you sign up by February 15th, you'll get $40.00 off of 3 or more Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching sessions.

You can sign up online using the code DBCOACH$40 or CALL 800-664-2435 OR 303-444-7004. Make sure to mention this special offer if you call!

This offer is for good through Monday, February 15th.

DON'T FORGET TO MENTION THIS SPECIAL WHEN YOU CALL.


Warmly,

Michele
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 02/11/16 08:51 AM
Divorce Busting
2/11/16 · Boulder, CO


Love isn't just a feeling, it's a commitment.
It's the actions you take to make a relationship work.
People who "fall out of love" have stopped doing the things they used to do when they were "in love." "Unromantic," you say?
I say, there's little more romantic that knowing your partner will be there through thick and thin and demonstrate, even through the hard times, that love is what you do, not just what you feel.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 02/16/16 06:30 AM
Divorce Busting
February 12 at 10:31am · Boulder, CO

With rare exceptions, when a divorce occurs, it doesn't only end a marriage, if there are children, it ends a family.
Unhappy spouses often seek the relief of being apart from their partners,
but they don't take into account the many ways their lives will change for the worse.
I've had so many divorced people say to me, "If I only knew then what I now know about what it takes to get my life on track,
I could have put that energy into making my marriage work."
Don't have that regret.
Leave no stone unturned when it comes to trying to save your marriage.
Thoughts?

Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
February 15, 2016 · Boulder, CO

When people want out of their marriages, they often rewrite history and say things like,
"I was never really happy," or
"I got married for all the wrong reasons," or
"I was never really attracted to you."
But most of the time, these things are not true.
Welcome to selective memory, you recall certain memories that support your desire to leave.
If your spouse is saying very negative things about the past, take it with a grain of salt.
Don't argue about it, but don't believe every word you hear.
It will hurt your soul if you do.
Besides, chances are, it's not true!

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 02/18/16 10:19 AM
Divorce Busting
2/18/16· Boulder, CO

Are people telling you that you should end your marriage and get on with your life.
Here's a saying that I love.
"Never take advice from someone who doesn't have to live with its consequences."
No one walks in your shoes.
No one really knows your heart.
Do what you think is right.
Follow your own north star.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: mahhhty Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 02/18/16 10:53 AM
I like that one..... Thanks Cadet.
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 03/01/16 07:29 AM
Divorce Busting
February 26 at 6:04pm

I just got back from doing a conference in Louisville, Kentucky for KAMFT.
The turnout was wonderful!
It was a great day.
I talked about doing effective couples therapy when only one spouse shows up AND healing from infidelity.
I enjoyed the day as much as my standing ovation crowd!
Thank you to Tricia and Karen- past and present Presidents of KAMFT -for the invitation and fabulous day!

Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
2/29/16

If kids come first, marriage won't last.
Have that be your marriage mantra.

Michele Weiner-Davis

Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 03/02/16 08:41 AM
Divorce Busting
3/1/16

If you can't put yourself into someone else's shoes and truly try to understand WHY they feel the way they do - even if you don't agree,
you'll never have a lasting, loving relationship.
Healthy marriages have two people who are concerned about their partner's feelings even when they don't see eye to eye.
Is it hard?
You bet.
But no one ever said having a great relationship is easy.
Do the hard thing. Stretch outside your comfort zone.
That's where the magic is.

Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
3/2/16

Divorce is not an event that happens and its over.

Divorce, and all its heartache are forever.


Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 03/03/16 11:53 AM
Divorce Busting
3/3/2016

Sometimes people say, "My spouse and I are really different. I want out."
Here's the truth about this statement.
Research tells us that people who are in long term, happy marriages have no more in common than those who divorce.
The only difference is that in happy marriages, people learn how to deal with their differences.
Differences don't have to divide, they can be a source of personal growth.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 03/10/16 06:52 AM
Divorce Busting
March 4 at 2:36pm

Sometimes people say that they have to leave their marriages to "find themselves."
I always find this interesting because I truly believe that you can learn so much about yourself in relationship.
Where else can you have a mirror held up to you?
Where can you learn about acceptance or forgiveness?
Where else besides being in relationship do we learn about the importance of letting the small things slide?
Let's not forget patience, selflessness and commitment...
Yes, relationships are fertile ground for finding oneself and engaging in personal growth.
Try it.
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
March 6 at 4:25pm

Marriage doesn't make you happy.
Nor do children.
In fact, research shows that marital satisfaction goes down with the birth of each child.
If this is so, what makes people happy?
YOU MUST MAKE YOURSELF HAPPY.
Then the joy you receive from marriage is icing on the cake.
When you're considering getting out of your marriage,
first make sure your own life is joyous before you assess the quality of your relationship.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 03/11/16 08:09 AM
Divorce Busting
March 9 at 4:26pm

What attracts people to each other is often what causes problems later on in life.
For example, one woman left her husband to be with someone who was more outgoing, free-spirited and
liked to have a good time, only to discover that, as time passed,
she detested that he was always the one to stay the latest at parties,
he drank too much and he was unreliable.
She wanted to go back to her "stick in the mud, sometimes less-than-exciting" ex who was also a rock of Gibraltar.
Get it?
Do you see what I mean?
Remember, the things that might bother you about your spouse are just the flip side of a wonderful coin.
Don't lose sight of that.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 03/14/16 08:31 AM
Divorce Busting
3/14/2016


Due to rapidly changing weather patterns in Colorado there's a saying, "If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes."
A similar phenomena is true for marriage.
Research shows that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stay married report that their marriages are happy five years later.
This is true even in marriages where there are serious problems such as substance abuse, infidelity, verbal abuse, etc..
That's because people can change.
If you wait out the storm, you can avoid the unintended problems brought about by divorce and keep your family together.
Plus, believe it or not, you can become happier and more loving.
Hang in there!

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 03/28/16 10:55 AM
Divorce Busting
March 24 at 11:33am

If you want to save your marriage, even if your spouse wants out and you go to a therapist who is trying to convince you to move on in your life, stop seeing THAT therapist and go to someone else.
Too often therapists side with the spouse who wants to divorce because they really don't know how to handle it when two partners have different goals for the marriage.
Don't take it personally, just find other resources.

Michele Weiner-Davis





Divorce Busting
March 25 at 10:29am

People often attribute relationship problems to personality clashes.
That's not the way I look at it.
Usually, a relationship breaks down when problems remain unresolved which is the result of a relationship skill deficit.
Maya Angelou once said,
"People do the best with the tools they have.
If they knew better, they would do better." I help couples "know better."
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 04/06/16 08:34 AM
Divorce Busting
March 28 at 10:32am

If your spouse is thinking of getting out of your marriage, here's the truth.
You have to do the lion's share of the work to try to get things back on track.
It may not be fair, it may not be right, but that's just the way things are for now.
Don't let your ego get in the way of doing what you need to do to make your marriage work.
It takes patience and stick-to-itiveness.
But where there's a will, there's a way.
You can do it!
And if in the end, it doesn't work, at least you can say you've done everything humanly possible to save your marriage.
And that's worth a lot.

Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
March 29 at 10:46am

Some people feel shame when they want to stay married after their spouse has had an affair.
That is unfortunate.
The truth is, most people don't leave their marriages after infidelity.
They just judge themselves because they promised themselves they would leave if their spouse were ever unfaithful.
You never really know how you'll feel about something until you're in that situation.
If your spouse has had an affair, you can work through it. Be kind to yourself- there is no shame is staying.
It takes courage.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 04/06/16 12:52 PM
Divorce Busting
March 30 at 1:11pm

Everyone knows that relationships take work,
but when you're in the middle of going through hard times, it's easy to think,
"Marriage shouldn't be so hard."
Well, actually, I don't know anyone- even people in wonderful marriages -who haven't struggled from time to time.
That's why it's called work.
And yes, it goes with the marital territory.
Do you know someone who needs reminding?
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
4/6/16
What do you think of this?

Are you sitting on the, “Should-I-stay-or-should-I-go” fence, endlessly weighing the pros and cons about your marriage?
You’re not alone.
But before you take the plunge to start checking the “D” box, consider the most important “divorce don’t” of all...

Don’t do it... don’t get divorced!

Now, before you decide that I’m a religious fanatic or that my politics are to the right of Karl Rove’s, let me tell you this...

I’m simply someone who has seen the fallout of divorce up close and personal.
And I’m here to tell you, divorce isn’t for sissies.
Even under the best of circumstances, divorce creates new and unintended problems, particularly when children are involved.
If you’re a parent fantasizing of riding yourself of your spouse once and for all and dreaming of starting anew, remember this simple fact,
“When children are involved, there is no such thing as divorce.”

If you’re still open to the idea that your marriage can (and I dare say, should) survive, consider what I’ve learned over the past three decades.

First, the facts:

* People who remain married are healthier — both physically and emotionally
* They live longer
* They are better off financially
* They have more satisfying and frequent sex than their single counterparts

What you may not have considered is that unless there is physical or extreme emotional abuse,
kids also benefit emotionally and physically from growing up with both parents.

Like it or not, your kids don’t much care if your marriage is boring or unromantic, they just want you both at home.

You have one go-around & deserve to be happy

Before you say that I’m a proponent of “till death do us part”,
even if it means a life of misery,
hear this: you have one shot at this life and you deserve to be happy.
What you may not have considered is that you can be happy in this marriage.
With everything that we now know about what’s necessary to sustain a healthy marriage,
there is no reason why anyone wanting a better relationship can’t have one.

Having said this, if you’ve been fighting a lot,
or are overwhelmed with feelings of contempt or, even worse, apathy,
you probably believe your marriage is beyond repair.
That’s because you have grown hopeless.
And it’s hopelessness that ultimately ends marriages,
not the differences between you. Hopelessness is the real cancer in marriage.

Consider this: No one is born knowing how to be a partner in marriage. No one.

The way we behave in our relationships has everything to do with our upbringing and our own parents’ relationships.
Unfortunately, many of us didn’t have great role models.
And even if we did, our spouse may not have been quite as lucky. Then what?

Good marriages require good relationship skills.
Happily, even the most seemingly relationally-challenged people can learn concrete skills that can fundamentally change the quality of marriage.
So, before you throw in the towel, do yourself and your loved ones a favor, shore up on your relationship skills and make sure that you’re not throwing away a good thing simply out of a lack of education.

There are two ways to do this: education & therapy
Marriage education courses are different that traditional therapy.
Classes aren’t group therapy.
You don’t have to air your dirty laundry publicly.
You take a class, absorb the information,
practice skills in privacy with your spouse and then go home to put to the new tools to use.
Even therapy-phobic spouses love these hands-on courses.

And then there’s marriage therapy.
But be warned, not all marriage therapy is created equal.
Some so-called marriage therapists do more harm than good by declaring marriages dead on arrival as early as the first session!
Be an informed consumer and know what you’re looking for when you seek professional help.

Here are four pointers to start with:

* No therapist can tell when a marriage is over.
If a therapist declares your marriage dead,
find a different therapist.
* “Tell me how you feel about that?” — a common therapists’ mantra- prompts lively discussions, but rarely resolves problems.
Good therapists teach communication and problem-solving skills.
* Talking about the past makes you an expert about why you’re having problems, not what to do to improve things.
If you want a better future, make sure your therapist is goal-oriented with an emphasis on the future.
* Seek help even if your spouse won’t go.
Good therapists can help you trigger positive change in your marriage single-handedly.

Bottom line, if your marriage is on the rocks it’s a wakeup call. Before you make the final break, be sure that you leave no stone unturned.
The worst feeling in the world is the nagging sense that you could have done more.

In my three decades of work with couples I have seen hundreds of thousands of couples fall in love again,
many of which reconnected at the eleventh hour.
It’s never too late to create a happy marriage;
all you have to do is decide to explore the idea of staying married instead of throwing in the towel.
After reading this you may think I’m a psychotic optimist,
I say, “That’s ok, it’s a communicable disease.”


Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 04/09/16 09:16 AM
Divorce Busting
April 7 at 11:51am

I'm convinced that the breakdown in relationships today is
often due to the fact that couples don't spend enough quality time together.

Agreed?

Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
4/8/16

Knowing when to process disagreements and
when to let things slide can make all the difference in the world.
It's called wisdom.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 04/15/16 03:28 AM
OK since I try to learn something new everyday someone just posted a link here that I had no clue even existed.

So I will try to insert this into my Welcome post and put it here for eveyone else.

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm


Divorce Busting
April 12 at 10:10am

You don't have to be a marriage therapist, mental health professional or clergy to be an extremely positive influence on someone's marriage.
Life-changing advice comes in many packages.
Talk to people you encounter everyday.
If they're struggling in their marriages, urge them to get help and stay the course.
Don't assume that you should "mind your own business" because when it comes to marriage, it takes a village.

Michele Weiner-Davis




Divorce Busting
April 13 at 11:23am

If you're fighting for your marriage and you're feeling discouraged, I'd like to offer you some hope today.
I have seen countless marriages appear as if things are totally dire, that the relationships were going to end.
But then, in the 11th hour, things turn around.
Although this doesn't happen for everyone, I want to encourage you not to give up hope.
Look for very, very small signs of change.
Focus on that.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 04/22/16 10:33 AM
Divorce Busting
April 18 at 12:09pm

I'm almost done writing a book on infidelity.
Are there any topics you hope I include that would be of interest to you?
Weigh in, please.
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
April 19 at 10:37am

I just posted a blog about the fruitlessness of searching for a soul mate.
The blog discussed the importance of finding a good match but not necessarily holding out
for a perfect match because there is no such thing.
I wholeheartedly agree, but would take it a step further.
Good matches are good, but the truth is,
no matter how well matched you might be, because no two people are exactly alike,
you are going to have to learn how to deal with your differences.
Regardless of how similar you might be,
having the skills to negotiate your differences will determine the success of your relationship.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 04/22/16 05:25 PM
Divorce Busting
April 20 at 10:13am

I saw a button recently that read, "Never try to teach a cow to sing.
It annoys the cow and wastes your time."
Acceptance anyone?

Michele Weiner-Davis




Divorce Busting
April 20 at 10:56am

Many feel that the concept of commitment is applicable when you are feeling loving feelings toward your partner.
But the truth is, feeling committed when things are going well is a no-brainer!
Who wouldn't want to stay with, be loyal to another person when your needs are being met?

But real commitment is what happens when things aren't going so well,
when you and your partner aren't getting along or seeing eye-to-eye.
Real commitment is what happens when you tell yourself,
"This too shall pass," or
"We need to get help to resolve our difficulties.
" Real commitment is hard.
That's why it's called commitment.
Think about it.
Agreed?

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: ReNewed Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 04/22/16 10:01 PM
That's encouraging. I am from Louisville and my separated H and I were most recently living there until we decided to travel about back on the west coast, where he he a breakdown and filed for S.
Encouraging that Even as one half, the W, there is hope and that my love and committment is not for naught

Thank you
Julie
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 04/24/16 03:49 AM
Divorce Busting
April 21 at 1:48pm

I truly think that one of the worst parts about divorce is
that it is almost always a unilateral decision-one person wants it and the other doesn't.
No rejection runs deeper than hearing from someone who you thought was
going to be a life-long partner that the marriage is over.

Sound familiar?
Michele Weiner-Davis




Divorce Busting
April 22 at 11:38am

Do you have emotional cutoffs in your life- people who have been close to you who you do not speak to anymore?
If so, rethink this.
Having emotional cutoffs takes a toll on one's life.
Even if you think it's better for you, chances are, you never really forget about that other person.
It's a thorn in your side no matter what.
It colors how you feel about life even if you're not aware of it.

I know that some relationships are toxic and there are exceptions.
But the majority of emotional cutoffs could be avoided by swallowing one's pride and reconnecting.
Did you read this today for a reason?
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 05/03/16 11:52 AM
Divorce Busting
April 26 at 11:09am

People who want out of their marriages often tell their spouses that they want to be friends after divorce.
So many of my clients are so hurt about the divorce,
they can't envision being friends with their ex-spouses....ever.
Although some people divorce amicably,
you can't always count on the partner who wants to save the marriage to be up for friendship.
You may always be co-parents, but not necessarily buddies.
If you're thinking of leaving a marriage, you need to factor in this reality.
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
April 27 at 11:51am

And because not every marriage is saved from the brink, let this be an inspiration to you.
"... What we do for a living does not determine who we are.
What determines us is how well we rise after we have fallen."



Divorce Busting
5/3/2016

It often amazes me how naive people can be about the thrill of new relationships.
Of course they're fun, exciting, passionate!
They're new!
If you want to sustain that wonderful feeling, you must be intentional about your actions.
You can't just expect passion to happen.
Besides, in all relationships, newness wears off.
And then what?
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 05/12/16 08:53 AM
Divorce Busting
May 5 at 10:00am

Worry less about finding a soulmate than you do finding someone who is willing to work through whatever problems arise...
even when it's difficult
Michele Weiner-Davis


Divorce Busting
May 6 at 11:54am

I learn so much from the couples I work with.
Despite the problems they're having,
there is so much innate wisdom going around.
How about you?
What have you been learning lately from relationships or from life?
Weigh in.
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
May 9 at 12:40pm

This whole idea that you should pick someone who is similar to you when you choose a mate is ludicrous.
When we first meet, we focus on similarities.
That feels good.
But eventually, differences emerge.
Then we think we made a mistake.
And even if we have lots in common at first, the truth is, over time, we change!!!
What we need, want, love in our 20's is different from what we need, want, love in our 30's, 40's , 50's and so on.
A relationship, like life, is fluid.
If you want a marriage to last, make sure you choose a partner who is committed to working through differences and getting help if you get stuck.
Grow up together.
Stretch personally.
Relationships should be an arena for growth.
Dump your fantasy about your partner needing to be a "soul mate" and find loving ways to resolve your differences in order to have a great marriage.

Michele Weiner-Davis


Divorce Busting
5/12/16

When things go wrong, you think it's your spouse's fault.
The problem is, your spouse thinks the same thing.
Rather than blame each other, take the high road and reach out, even if you think your spouse doesn't deserve it.
That's the way to get out of a relationship rut.
Be the catalyst for change.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 06/01/16 09:58 AM
Divorce Busting
May 15 at 10:29am

If I could warn young couples about one thing, it would be about the importance of spending time together without the kids.
That's because of all the couples I see in my practice- couples on the brink- "time together anemia"
is the one thing they have in common.
What would your advice be?
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
May 17 at 2:12pm

Some people think that it is okay, or even good, to expose an affair to family members, bosses, friends and so on.
The belief is that exposing the affair removes the illicitness, which in turn, makes it less desirable.
I think exposing an affair to everyone isn't necessarily a good idea, especially when it is vengeful.
It may make the affair seem less sexy, but it will also make the person who discloses the information undesirable too.
It often nails the marital coffin shut.
And that's a bad idea.
There are better ways to deal with the pain of infidelity than broadcasting it everywhere.

Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
May 19 at 10:52am

When someone wants out of their marriage, they can't imagine things getting better or feeling differently about their spouse.
But here's the irony. When they got married and were madly in love, could they have anticipated wanting to get out of the marriage?
In life, the only thing you can truly count on is change.
Positive change can happen.
Feelings can change.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 06/01/16 10:03 AM
Divorce Busting
May 23 at 1:40pm

If you have a spouse who is going through a midlife crisis- at any age- you will be blamed for everything that isn't going right in their life.
Try as hard as you can to understand that it isn't personal. It is just the nature of the beast.
Focus on yourself for a while.
Be kind to yourself.
Assume that your spouse has been abducted by an alien and wait patiently for his or her return.
Visit here often to be reassured that working on your marriage is a valuable action even if your spouse doesn't think so right now.
Hang in there!
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
May 24 at 3:44pm

The term, "midlife crisis" is a misnomer.
Many people go through the same kind of questioning and unhappiness that defines a midlife crisis at different stages in life.
Some are in their 20's, others are in their 60's.
Chronology isn't the defining factor.
One's thinking is.

Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
May 25 at 3:45pm

Sometimes people think that if there's a separation or an affair, that their marriage is probably over.
If I believed that, I'd be out of a job.
Most of the people I see are experiencing one or both of those situations. Although not every marriage can be saved, many can, even in the 11th hour.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: ciluzen Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 06/01/16 10:43 AM
As someone who's almost divorced (MLC spouse BDed, left and filed within 7 mos), but has been DBing since he left, these three resonate with me right now. Thanks Cadet.
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 06/02/16 10:47 AM
Divorce Busting
May 26 at 12:55pm

When I wrote Divorce Busting in the early 90's, the idea that people should work on their issues and keep their marriages together was almost revolutionary news.
I was inundated with media attention.
I really challenged the notion that getting out was better than working it out.
Today, what's considered cutting edge is different; it's about personal satisfaction and following your heart.
It's not about commitment or dedication to one's partner, it's about feeling happy and doing whatever it takes to feel alive.
What do you think about this?

Michele Weiner-Davis


Divorce Busting
May 27 at 11:51am

Hi, all.
Today is my birthday and when I thought about what I want to do today, the most important thing to me is to be with people I love.
Material gifts pale in comparison to the joy I feel being surrounded by the love of family and dear friends.
I'm very grateful today. :-)

Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
6/1/16 at 10:22am

I help couples set action-oriented goals.
It's better to say,
"I want you to make eye contact when we speak,
and comment on the things I'm discussing," than,
"I'd like you to be a better communicator."
Always talk about your requests for change in concrete terms.

That's why Lily Tomlin had it right when her character in the play,
"In Search of Signs of Intelligent Life in the Universe" said,
"I always wanted to be somebody and now (as an adult) I guess I should have been more specific."

Michele Weiner-Davis

Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 06/06/16 10:31 AM

Divorce Busting
June 2 at 11:19am

Need a chuckle today?
I took a hike today with my neighbor, Sally Pane, who shared a personal insight with me.
"I figured out that I tend to blame my problems on other people.
But I got that from my mother."
Michele Weiner-Davis




Divorce Busting
6/6/16

The spouse who wants out generally feels that they told their partner how unhappy they have been,
and that their partners should have seen the divorce coming.
But this isn't necessarily true.
So many people have told me that they knew there were problems in the marriage,
they just never thought that their spouses would leave because of the difficulties.
Often, the divorce comes as a shock for that reason.
It's devastating.

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 06/09/16 09:13 AM
Divorce Busting
June 7 at 10:24am

When you're healing from infidelity, you must expect intense ups and downs over an extended period of time.
It's very challenging to experience a setback after the relationships has seemed on more solid ground,
but these hills and valleys are the only way to get to the other side.
Be patient.

Michele Weiner-Davis




Divorce Busting
6/8/2016 at 11:05am

If you're fighting for your marriage,
you need to know that no matter what the outcome,
you should feel good about yourself because you're making sure
that you've done everything humanly possible to save your marriage.
Kudos to you!

Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 07/06/16 05:24 AM
Divorce Busting
June 14 at 10:21am

Divorce is forever.
It's not an event that happens and then it's over.
There is a ripple effect that impacts your life for generations to come.
Future holidays and momentous events such as weddings, births, birthdays, funerals,
and so on, are often uncomfortable, bittersweet gatherings.
The reminders of broken relationships are lasting.
Take this into account if you're thinking of leaving....
What do you think about this?
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
June 17 at 4:34pm

Divorce Busting is about being "smart" when it comes to fighting for your marriage.
Unfortunately, when the "bomb drops," many people do and say things to their unhappy spouses that inadvertently makes matters worse.
It's important to learn how to approach your spouse differently to soften their heart.
Naturally, some reluctant spouses have their minds and hearts closed.
But it's amazing to me how often things can change for the better.
Stay hopeful.
Stay smart.
Do what works.
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
June 20 at 1:00pm ·
Some couples on the brink of divorce boast, "We never fight."
Believing that staying clear of arguments a "good thing," is mythical thinking.
Although research has indicated that some people can avoid conflict and have healthy relationships, many do not.
This is especially true if you're harboring negative emotions. It could cost you your marriage.
Rather than avoid rough conversations, learn effective ways to deal with conflict.
It will make your relationship more authentic, genuine and passionate.
Anything in life worth having is worth fighting for.
Michele Weiner-Davis


Divorce Busting
June 21 at 12:14pm ·
If you are more motivated to save your marriage than your spouse,
you probably feel that the burden to "do the work" rests on your shoulders and it really isn't fair.
Guess what.
It isn't fair, but that's the way it is for the time being.
You DO have to do most of the work.
You DO have to watch what you say and do.
You can't just say what you feel.
It's hard work!
You're definitely a warrior.
Make sure you're taking care of yourself in the mean time. Stay the course!
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 07/06/16 08:29 AM
Divorce Busting
June 22 at 2:56pm

What's the one piece of marital advice that you think is absolutely golden?
What have you learned about what it takes to make a marriage loving?
Share your thoughts!
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
June 28 at 11:18am

Countless people have told me that when they went to a therapist to get help for their marital problems,
the therapist told them that they should consider divorce after only 1 session!
While it's true that couples wait a long time before seeking professional help, it's also true that
NO ONE should declare a marriage dead on arrival because it's impossible to know about the changes that can occur with skilled help.

Michele Weiner-Davis


Divorce Busting
7/5/16

If you, or someone you know, is in the early stages of healing from an affair,
it's important to realize that feeling crazy, depressed, anxious, is par for the course.
For many people, it's hard to eat, sleep, think or even function.
If you're going through this right now, don't judge yourself.
Know that what you're experiencing is perfectly normal and that you will feel better eventually.
Feeling better takes time.
Be patient.
Get help.
ut whatever you do, don't judge yourself because of your inability to carry on as usual.
It's part of the process.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 08/26/16 07:27 AM
Divorce Busting
July 11

Due to rapidly changing weather patterns in Colorado there's a saying, "If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes." A similar phenomena is true for marriage. Research shows that two-thirds of unhappily married spouses who stay married report that their marriages are happy five years later. That's because people can change. If you wait out the storm, you can avoid the unintended problems brought about by divorce and keep your family together. Plus, believe it or not, you can become happier and more loving. Hang in there! -Michele Weiner-Davis


Divorce Busting
July 12

Sometimes, when you're fighting for your marriage, there's a time when there's not much you can do to make things better. However, you can probably think of things you can do to make them worse. Whatever you do, restrain yourself from making things worse. Your reluctant spouse might outgrow the need to be apart and if your marriage is still on even keel, you might be the best place to land. Stay strong.
Michele Weiner-Davis


Divorce Busting
July 18

When couples argue, it is frequently the case that one spouse will say something conciliatory such as, "You're right," or "I get what you mean," or "I'll work on that," but the other partner doesn't acknowledge the extended olive branch and just keeps complaining about the problem. This feels demoralizing to the spouse who is trying to make amends.
Listen carefully to your spouse. If he or she is trying to fix things, honor, acknowledge and appreciate it. Say, "Thank you for saying that." Your marriage will be a happier, healthier place if you do.
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
July 25

I've written lots of books, but I always say that I'd like to write a book entitled, IF I COULD LIVE MY LIFE BACKWARDS. It's appealing to me because I truly believe that we gain wisdom as we age. I would have done some things differently in the past if I knew what I know now. Maya Angelou once said, "People do the best with the tools they have. If they knew better, they would do better." (Or something like that). If I could live my life backwards, boy, would I ever be smart!
How about you? What would you do differently if you could turn back time?
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 08/26/16 07:36 AM
Divorce Busting
July 26 at 2:07pm

After you've been fighting for your marriage for a long time and your spouse finally comes around, it is not uncommon for anger, resentment and other bad feelings to arise. After all, you've been managing these feelings for quite a while and being strategic to win your spouse back. But when these feelings erupt, people frequently begin to doubt whether or not they really want to stay in their marriage after all. Here's my advice:
Those feelings are normal. Ride them out. Stay put. Over time you can deal with your feelings in healthy ways and keep your marriage intact. It's worth the work.
Michele Weiner-Davis




Divorce Busting
August 1 at 5:04pm ·
At The Divorce Busting Center, we get calls from people who have been in counseling for months or even years. They have found themselves spinning their wheels and often in worse shape than when they started off. Day after day, we hear horror stories about counselors who have announced people's marriages "dead on arrival" after just one session! We hear about well-meaning friends and relatives who encourage people to stop working on their marriages and go on with life. We know you might feel as if you're the only one in the world who believes your marriage is worth saving. If so, rest easy. Now, you're not alone. We're on your side.
Call us. We can help. 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435



Divorce Busting
August 8 at 10:58am ·
The best thing people can do for their marriages is to make it the #1 priority over everything else in their lives, including their kids. We all need to feel treasured by the people we love.
Agreed?
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
August 9 at 10:52am ·
Please be careful who you talk to about your marital problems. If you confide in family, they will probably take your side and develop negative feelings about your spouse. You don't need that in your life. The same is true about talking to some friends. Friends don't want to see you hurt and will encourage you to move on with your life.
Therefore, only speak to people who understand that all marriages have their stormy periods and that working through these difficult times makes us and our relationships stronger. Choose your confidantes carefully!
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 08/26/16 07:42 AM
Divorce Busting
August 11 at 1:01pm ·
Couples often are too busy to take out time to truly appreciate the good things in their lives- their accomplishments of their kids, their wonderful family times, their success as parents, providers, their hard work in their roles as caretakers to aging parents, their involvement with community activities and so on. Take out time to recognize and appreciate your hard work. You deserve it.
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
August 12 at 12:12pm ·
When a relationship is not working very well, people blame their partners and assume their partners are mean-spirited or intentional about their short-comings. I look at it differently.
Healthy, loving relationships require skills that not everyone has learned in their lives. You can heal broken relationships by learning new skills at any time in your life. Yes, believe it or not, you can teach an old dog new tricks.
Michele Weiner-Davis


Divorce Busting
August 15 at 10:02am ·
La Maze instructors tell pregnant women that the last stage of delivery- transition- is the hardest. But it is also the quickest and the one with most reward.
When I work with couples who are going through really difficult times, I often think about this last stage of delivery. Work through the transitional period and the rewards are great- the birth of a new and more healthy marriage.
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
August 16 at 11:02am ·
One of the biggest mistakes I see people make when considering divorce is to put the children in the middle. They do this by saying derogatory things about each other to the kids. They also put the kids in the middle by sharing too much information about the marital problems. This burdens children unnecessarily and unfairly. Kids need to be kids, not confidantes. Also, even if parents can't get along, kids need to have a good relationship with BOTH parents. They need that emotionally.
If you or your spouse is considering divorce, first, get help. Work hard at keeping your family together. But if in the end, divorce is on the horizon, put your kids needs first. Don't use them as pawns. They didn't ask for the divorce.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Cadet Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 08/26/16 07:45 AM
Divorce Busting
August 22 at 10:31am
Do you often feel that your spouse "made you react" a certain way? Think again.
No matter what your spouse says or does, we can choose how we respond. I teach people how to be more solution-focused in their responses, regardless of the way they feel inside.
Think about your goal. Then behave consistently with your desired outcome.
"That's hard," you say? Perhaps. But doing something that inflames your spouse will create reactions that will be even harder!
Michele Weiner-Davis


Divorce Busting
August 23 at 10:56am ·
Blaming your spouse, or arguing about "who started it," is a colossal waste of time. It only leads to more fighting.
Instead, pay attention to how your arguments end, what each of you does to extend the olive branch. Knowing about these "Truce Triggers" is a key to solution. Memorize how you make up, not who started the fight.
What do you think about this?
Michele Weiner-Davis



Divorce Busting
August 25, 2016
Many people ask how it's possible to create change in a relationship if your spouse isn't motivated to do the same. Here at the Divorce Busting Center, we have a telephone coaching program that is designed specifically to help people whose partners are half-way out the door. In fact, practically everyone who contacts us is dealing with a marriage hanging by a thread.
We help that person to figure out what they need to do or say differently to get a different, more productive response from their partner. Thousands of people have created positive change in their marriages by HANDLING their situations in new and better ways.
So, if your spouse is saying, "I love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore," don't panic. There are many things you can still do to turn your relationship around. Although not all marriages can be saved, many can. Perhaps yours is one of them. Remember, it takes one to tango.
Michele Weiner-Davis
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: DB - FB and twitter from MWD #2 - 11/23/19 12:21 AM
Bump
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