FIDO - Changing the Rules Pt 3 - DivorceBusting.com

Thread locked. Here's part 2

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...;gonew=1#UNREAD

I didn't realize it had been this long since I updated. Things are actually pretty smooth right now. She's been a lot warmer. She started calling me spontaneously during the day; her outlook and demeanor are greatly improved...there was even the beginning of an ML session last night...until a very untimely visit from one of the girls.

Miles to go before I sleep, but things for the moment are actually looking up. Stay tuned.

Oh my goodness, NH...I am SO hopeful for you!

I am praying for your R.

V

Thanks V and Dawn. I'm still not sure what to make of it, been at this far too long, but the atmosphere in the house is far more pleasant...enough for me to give us another few months before I reassess our situation. Here's hoping.

Things seem to be on an upward trajectory...I think. She's a lot warmer and more affectionate than she used to be. For the most part happier. She has rough spots, a lot of the time triggered by things that have nothing to do with us; but by and large her whole demeanor and rhetoric are vastly improved. We get along great...even had our first ML session in a few months last week. Not the best we've ever had, but you gotta start somewhere.

She seems to really want to rebuild things with me and talks like we have a future. If I didn't know better I'd say we were firmly in piecing...

But...(There's always a but).

I can't shake the feeling that I'm fooling myself. That I have more enthusiasm for this than she does. There's nothing specific; by everything I can tell things are a lot better. I have no evidence to tell me this...am I paranoid? Am I reading too much into things? Maybe I've just been on guard so much the last year that I'm having trouble relaxing. Is this normal in early piecing, to feel like the other person isn't fully in yet?

My lovely I know little about piecing and I am so pleased for you.

Breathe...........

I can understand why you have that feeling, it's protecting you. Trust it enough to be wary.

Praying for you

V

Thank you V.

Unfortunately my trepidation was validated last night.

We've been getting along really pretty well, had a good but busy weekend, and then she has another meltdown last night. Says she doesn't feel connected to me, can't be intimate with me, yada yada yada. It's really getting to the point where I know what she's going to say before she says it. Same words, over and over and over again.

I don't think I handled it very well; I got angry, because I had let myself get comfortable and hopeful. I almost preferred it when she would call me in the middle of the workday and scream at me about ruining her life, because at least then I knew where I stood. Now things are OK most of the time until things like this happen. The whiplash is killing me.

She says she's trying to process all our issues and move on, but how does repeating the same script to me ad nauseam help? I can't take any more responsibility than I have. There is no way on heaven or earth that I can do something that makes everything better. Basically what she wants involves time travel and never making the mistakes I made to begin with. She swears that she's invested in rebuilding our marriage. Really? The meltdowns are fewer and farther between than they have been, but when they happen, it's like nothing has ever gotten better.

When I say meltdown, she's not necessarily being angry and loud at me; it's more like she gets in this depressed panicky state and suddenly any progress we have made is just forgotten.

Is this what piecing looks like? I expected slow, but this erratic?

I'm alive...really

Took a break from the boards to concentrate on a few other things.

Seems to me that our situation is far better. She's having occasional moments of doubt and nervousness, but it's nothing like it was...no spew. She's almost normal much of the time, and we're getting along great. She talks like we actually have a future. The IC she started really seems to be paying off.

Sex is still off, but my understanding is that it's one of the last things to come back. Is that true?

I find myself getting angry from time to time, not in any way that I show her, but I keep thinking the same thing...that this woman tried to fire me as her husband, separate me from my kids, toss me out of my home, sleep with other men in our bed (didn't actually try that, but wanted to), separate me from an extended family of inlaws that I had become quite attached to, and on top of it all, demanded at one point that I pay her for the experience.

If I couldn't forgive, I wouldn't still here, but I'll never forget.

Is this normal during piecing?

I'm not sure if it's "normal" in piecing but I'm here to tell you I'm right there in the same spot you are .... All I can tell myself is to continue to work in myself, be patient and allow her to process through things and pray we can connect.... Emotionally/physically/spiritually better

Good to hear your update NH .... Keep it up and hang in there. I keep telling myself this is hard , but think of all those on the board who would love to be where we stand at this moment ...... With a chance

Hey CaliGuy, great to hear from you. I guess I really should be grateful for where we are. I really didn't expect to still be living in the house by this point in time.

I'm just still so on guard that I question everything. Probably a good thing.

Guess this is the patience thing I keep hearing about.

Like MWD says, the recovery is more a zigzag then a straight line. There will be times when she is down and doubtful. There will be times when you are. But as long as the trend is upwards I would be hopeful. Hang in there and still continue the solution based strategies.

And don't forget the ubiquitous pursuer/distance dynamic that seems to be forever at play. You may be able to override that dynamic if you call it out so that both of you are aware that it's going on. Sometimes just being aware of a psychological process renders it impotent to affect the relationship dynamic.

Thanks Peter

Intellectually I know the path is not straight, just hard to feel that patience sometimes. Without a doubt things are on an upward trajectory right now.

Are you suggesting that I should consider calling out the pursuer/pursued dynamic?

Quote:

If I couldn't forgive, I wouldn't still here, but I'll never forget.

Is this normal during piecing?

First, I want to say it really seems that things are looking great for you! Baby steps and time. Repeat: baby steps and time! I keep waiting and waiting for our situation to get to that level. The best I have is a candle at the end of the tunnel and at least a thinning of the fog... I am happy for you!

Forgetting and forgiving are not one in the same. You will never forget, as well you shouldn't because it keeps things from repeating. The fact that you have forgiven means you are way past that. Way past. Not many can truly forgive, and with time you won't truly forget, but it won't be brought to the surface, either.

Quote:

Intellectually I know the path is not straight, just hard to feel that patience sometimes. Without a doubt things are on an upward trajectory right now.

Patience is probably the hardest thing to achieve. Heck, my four year old told me to "have patience, Daddy." haha...

Quote:

Are you suggesting that I should consider calling out the pursuer/pursued dynamic?

I am confused on why you would want to bring that to her attention? It may work, but may also have the opposite effect, too.

That's what i was questioning. I feel like it would be manipulative to try and bring that up. I'd rather just keep my mouth shut and keep an eye on things.

Since I know nothing about piecing whatsoever, I say zero.

However I can say I am checking in and

Hugs

V

Wow, there seems to be a correlation between me saying we're in piecing and her meltdowns. Up until 2:00 this morning, fighting, screaming, same repetitive script from her over and over.

I allowed myself a little bit of comfort and optimism, and I get bitten every time.

What the hell am I doing?

(((NH)))

Like Vanilla, I know nothing about piecing since mine went quickly to divorce and my xh moving to another woman, but I'm still here and still praying for you. Take care of NH first. Good luck, my friend.

I am saddened by Your W latest rail, like you I felt things were settling a little.

Does this happen often?

Are there any indicators for it?

V

NH, V said on my thread that elements of my situation reminded her of your situation. I will read about your experience to understand where your coming from. Hopefully it will bring a little clarity to my situation.

If you don't mind I will bounce some of my experiences off of you.

Thanks Dawn, always great to hear from you. I've been pretty quiet lately but I'm still following your sitch. You've been doing great!

By the way, in case you haven't heard, the Auburn game was a nailbiter today...

Hi V

There wasn't any warning. Basically her mood changed in the time it took me to run an errand. She later explained to me that an article had run across her FB feed..."7 things I wished I knew before getting married", or something like that. She liked the article until she read the last line where the author said that despite everything, she still wanted to grow old with her husband. My W got depressed when she realized that she wasn't sure she could say that about our M.

These happen about once a month....much less often than they used to. She had accidentally run out of her antidepressants a couple of days ago and hasn't been able to get it refilled. I'm sure accidentally going cold turkey off her meds didn't help her emotional state.

Her basic script is the same...she loves me, wants to make things work, but is sexually unresponsive to me....we don't have that "connection" she needs to become sexual with me; she's terrified of living her life without that.

I can just about have both sides of this conversation myself. Same script..no new insights, no new ideas, same stuff, different day.

Hi Mutatio, I'm far from a vet but I'd be happy to help if I can.

Originally Posted By: NH115

Hi V

There wasn't any warning. Basically her mood changed in the time it took me to run an errand. She later explained to me that an article had run across her FB feed..."7 things I wished I knew before getting married", or something like that. She liked the article until she read the last line where the author said that despite everything, she still wanted to grow old with her husband. My W got depressed when she realized that she wasn't sure she could say that about our M.

These happen about once a month....much less often than they used to. She had accidentally run out of her antidepressants a couple of days ago and hasn't been able to get it refilled. I'm sure accidentally going cold turkey off her meds didn't help her emotional state.

Her basic script is the same...she loves me, wants to make things work, but is sexually unresponsive to me....we don't have that "connection" she needs to become sexual with me; she's terrified of living her life without that.

I can just about have both sides of this conversation myself. Same script..no new insights, no new ideas, same stuff, different day.

As you know I have little knowledge of piecing. The issue of the ADS is interesting though. Why did she run out of ADS? It is so important to her wellbeing, seems strange.

I keep my essential meds up to date and even my spare has a spare. So WW seems so casual about it. Has she refilled now?

You mentioned ML a little while ago, what made you connect on that occasion? Would a break away together help, a pattern interrupt? You once organised dates, skating if my notes are correct on this. Has anything like that been planned recently? Are you using wooing techniques at all?

V

Originally Posted By: Vanilla

As you know I have little knowledge of piecing. The issue of the ADS is interesting though. Why did she run out of ADS? It is so important to her wellbeing, seems strange.

I keep my essential meds up to date and even my spare has a spare. So WW seems so casual about it. Has she refilled now?

You mentioned ML a little while ago, what made you connect on that occasion? Would a break away together help, a pattern interrupt? You once organised dates, skating if my notes are correct on this. Has anything like that been planned recently? Are you using wooing techniques at all?

V

She's usually pretty good about keeping her meds filled. She just dropped the ball this time. Of course, it was right before a weekend so there's little she could do about it immediately.

The ML was, well, disappointing. We had a good day together, so I took a chance and initiated, she responded positively. No foreplay, straight to the main course, over in a few minutes. Totally pointless. Then she had a meltdown a few days later, lamenting that she's "not sexual". Yeah, I'm really enjoying this involuntary celibacy. You'd think she'd at least acknowledge that.

There's always an excuse why we can't go out; money, she doesn't feel well, too tired, the kids have something going on, yada yada yada. We'll go out on "dates" in a way; we'll take the time to get in the car by ourselves away from the kids, but it usually involves errands or something like that. Actual dates where we act like a freaking couple, even when sex is not expected, are too much "pressure" for her.

I am not a vet, just a man but how about some base hits sound. First base then call the game for rain. Get her wanting to go to bat and stop the game. After a few weeks of this it could have her grabbing the bat and balls and hoping for a home run.

Just a man with an idea.

I KNOW about the Auburn game and I missed it because I was at work. I'm so sad I didn't get to see that win. I was rooting for them from work, though, for sure.

WPS!

Originally Posted By: mutatio

I am not a vet, just a man but how about some base hits sound. First base then call the game for rain. Get her wanting to go to bat and stop the game. After a few weeks of this it could have her grabbing the bat and balls and hoping for a home run.

Just a man with an idea.

There might be something to that...It's like I'm learning how to seduce her all over again....I used to not have to even try.

Yeah, Dawn, it was a nailbiter for sure

No too many 4 OT games happening for sure. Wished I could have seen that one.

It just hit me it's been October since I posted anything! Geez. Things get busy around here. I hope everyone's had a wonderful Christmas and New Year.

We are still together...I wish I knew what this was called....limbo? We're living this roommate arrangement almost. She's demonstrably more stable; she started IC a few months ago and it's been fantastic for her.

Things almost seem normal most of the time and we get along fantastically, but the intimacy is gone. We just can't seem to connect in that way. We get along, we're polite, we do things as a couple and as a family, but it really feels just like a roommate situation.

I don't know how long to keep this up. I don't know if it's hopeless. She says she's invested and wants to keep things together, but she doesn't give. She seems to expect me to twist in the wind indefinitely while she figures things out. How long am I supposed to invest in this? I personally don't think that once you've lost that attraction to someone that you can get it back, but she seems to want to hold on. When I question whether this is worth it or not, she accuses me of wanting to bolt. Well, yeah, sometimes I do. I'd love it if she woke up tomorrow morning and wanted me again (she wants to want me

), but I don't want to wast the next 5 - 10 years of my life hoping she comes around.

Originally Posted By: NH115

I don't know how long to keep this up. I don't know if it's hopeless. She says she's invested and wants to keep things together, but she doesn't give. She seems to expect me to twist in the wind indefinitely while she figures things out. How long am I supposed to invest in this? I personally don't think that once you've lost that attraction to someone that you can get it back, but she seems to want to hold on. When I question whether this is worth it or not, she accuses me of wanting to bolt. Well, yeah, sometimes I do. I'd love it if she woke up tomorrow morning and wanted me again (she wants to want me confused ), but I don't want to wast the next 5 - 10 years of my life hoping she comes around.

NH - I'm glad you came back for an update. Reintroducing intimacy has to be difficult. Have you thought about taking on a coach to help you through? You are close, she is committed. It certainly isn't her against you. Don't get frustrated. Try a different method to reach her and she her that you want her.

Glad to see an update. I continue to pray for you and yours. Hope all continues to go well.

NH you have fallen into a pattern my lovely one.

Now might be the time for seduction. You have nothing left to lose and a lot to gain.

A coach might help you with this to break the pattern. My suspicion is that once you and W connect then a big shift will have happened. RH you are so patient and my prayers are with you.

V

Vanilla and Dawn, I'm so happy to see you on here.

Yes it's frustrating because I feel like we're close, yet so far. She on one hand swears she's invested and wants to work on us, yet she's admitted on more than one occasion that she's still "working through" her feelings for OM.

15 months in?

Yup!

V

Big hugs

V