11 Months Later... STBX Keeps Insisting On Talking - 08/30/15 01:39 PM
My Family's Journey So Far.
Good morning everyone. So yes last night I backslid into some negativity. That and 4 strawberry pop-tarts, a frosted cinnamon danish, and some rum. It was not productive. I'll turn the experience into practicing my climbing out of emotional holes quickly.
Thank you Vanilla, SunnyB, and Elsa for your posts to close out my last thread. I feel very grateful for your continuing support and it was a blessing to me to wake up and read your words.
I thinks Elsa's post sums up the most important issues at this new fork in the road...
The email only boundary began for my peace of mind and for me to detach. In short, STBXW would often lash out at me in texts and voice mails. The last straw was her sending me a text meant for OM. She will say she was wrong and I don't deserve her treatment when I call her on these things or otherwise communicate... but then she'll just swing back to this behavior soon after.
From experience, I can see how all this is again her trying to connect and/or control. Once I do, by sending an explanation or concession or "I understand you're upset" type email, then she'll say how bad she feels and the cycle will repeat. I want that to stop.
So, I'm going to again take a moment to step back and reset.
What do I want?
What I really want now is to take my company's offer to move to Florida and live there with S12.
I keep a job that pays for S12's future... I work from home so I have maximum flexibility to support S12... I have my brother and his family plus many childhood friends in the area for support... I save on state and city taxes.
If I stay here... I likely have to get a job that pays less... I likely have to commute to an office leaving S12 in school aftercare everyday... or, to get my current pay level or keep my current job, I commute to NYC everyday and not get home until 8pm.
I had a proposal from STBXW to make the move happen. I did not do what was required to make that proposal happen. I did not get the agreement legal immediately when offered. Without the legal agreement, I did not go talk with STBXW whenever she asked. I maintained a barrier between us. I did not try at all to emotionally connect with her. DB Coach advised me to connect at any opportunity. I have not.
I am very much acting like a WAH.
Do I want R?
I think about it. I'm open to it. I'm not desperate for it. I don't need it. When there was a possibility to talk about it... I did get a little attached to outcome. I could have asked her what she imagined R would look like. I could have asked her what she wanted to do. I don't know if showing any sign of wanting her offer to talk too much would have been good given she said she continues to see OM (even though she also said her doing so was wrong).
It might be good to talk about last week... how this new request to talk started...
Last week STBX took S12 to the beach with a girlfriend and her kids.
First, S12 got caught in a rip current and had to be rescued by a lifeguard. STBX was there and can't swim. I am a strong swimmer and would have been in the water with S12.
That evening, STBX emailed me something like "S12 was caught in a riptide. He is OK. Please call me."
I replied "what happened?" She went into a little detail and said I could call her if I wanted to talk.
I replied "who pulled S12 out of the water?" She said a lifeguard and went into a little more detail. Said S12 was sleeping.
The next morning I called S12 and we talked about what happened. I did not call STBXW.
Later in the week... I butt dialed STBXW. I have not called her since February I think. I heard her answer and she sounded friendly right before I hung up the phone.
The next day, last Friday, she dropped S12 off at my condo. On the drive there she offered, through S12, to bring me some lunch. I declined. Then, she walked S12 to my door instead of dropping him out front or walking him to my door then leaving before I answer. She has not done come to my door since maybe March.
I, fortunately, was dressed well like I was going to see my STBX (one of my new daily habits). Unfortunately, I had an eye infection from allergies. I was holding a cold pack over my eye. She handed me S12's bag and offered to keep S12 if I wasn't feeling well. I said no I'm alright. That was all I said to her before I closed the door as she was saying bye and starting to walk away. I don't think I looked at her. I can't remember what she looked like. I had not seen her in 3 months.
She sent another email offering to keep S12 if I wasn;t feeling well. She mentioned she had plans Saturday night but could work around that. I never replied to that email.
Then, that night at 11pm, she sent the "we desperately need to talk let me know when we can meet" email. I replied "how can I help you?" later the next morning. She replied with some snarkiness and a court date threat.
Now I'm here.
So, I guess I'm being a dense and obstinate man and bringing all this on myself. I don't budge an inch even though it seems I have opportunities to at least connect on a friendly level with STBX.
She communicates that she wants to connect on a friendly level. Maybe she would need that before she would consider R. Maybe that's what "keeping the road home paved smooth" means.
Maybe if I did pave the road home smoother, I could get this agreement that I want. Maybe STBX would reconsider moving to Florida with us (like she offered in her proposal). I can't count on any of that.. but maybe being more open is better than this.
Elsa, thank you. You have really made me think.
She wants to talk... keeps asking to. Insists on it. Maybe I'll just call her tonight and say "here's my move plan" and try to be nice about it.
What's the worst that can happen?
Good morning everyone. So yes last night I backslid into some negativity. That and 4 strawberry pop-tarts, a frosted cinnamon danish, and some rum. It was not productive. I'll turn the experience into practicing my climbing out of emotional holes quickly.
Thank you Vanilla, SunnyB, and Elsa for your posts to close out my last thread. I feel very grateful for your continuing support and it was a blessing to me to wake up and read your words.
I thinks Elsa's post sums up the most important issues at this new fork in the road...
Originally Posted By: Elsa
I haven't posted in a long time, and I don't remember your earlier threads so my advice may be off-base.
My guess, based solely on what I've read in this thread, is that your W is probably genuinely interested in reconciliation. But, just as you want to see changes from her, she wants to see changes from you too. Back in April, she agreed to let S12 move to Florida because she thought that it would soften your heart toward her (see, WAH? I'm willing to make sacrifices for you) and eventually lead to a reconciliation. (What's the word for that? Implicit contract?) When you didn't do whatever it was that she was looking for, she started to doubt her decision to let S12 move. She continued to stew over it for months. Finally, in July she reached out and tried to engage you in a conversation about your relationship, which is what she wanted all along. But, your response didn't tick all the right boxes for her, so she decided to use the only power she has to draw you into the conversation -- her agreement (or not) to allow S12 to move with you to Florida. I'd be willing to bet that this really isn't about S12 at all but about her own feelings of being abandoned. But because you won't engage her in that discussion*, she has to make it about S12, because that is the only area where you can't avoid engagement.
(I may or may not have done the exact same thing with my WAH over the past few months about selling a piece of property we own.)
*I know you told her you would talk if she stopped contact with OM, but in her mind that's quite a risk to take when you are dead-set on moving to Florida and not really engaging her at an emotional level. Note, I'm not defending her, just explaining why she might not have dumped the OM as soon as she got your terse email response.
What's the reasoning behind the email-only boundary? I don't think it's reasonable to expect that co-parenting can be accomplished via email only, except in the most extreme of situations. It would frustrate me beyond belief to not be able to call up my (hypothetical) XH and talk about our D8.
My guess, based solely on what I've read in this thread, is that your W is probably genuinely interested in reconciliation. But, just as you want to see changes from her, she wants to see changes from you too. Back in April, she agreed to let S12 move to Florida because she thought that it would soften your heart toward her (see, WAH? I'm willing to make sacrifices for you) and eventually lead to a reconciliation. (What's the word for that? Implicit contract?) When you didn't do whatever it was that she was looking for, she started to doubt her decision to let S12 move. She continued to stew over it for months. Finally, in July she reached out and tried to engage you in a conversation about your relationship, which is what she wanted all along. But, your response didn't tick all the right boxes for her, so she decided to use the only power she has to draw you into the conversation -- her agreement (or not) to allow S12 to move with you to Florida. I'd be willing to bet that this really isn't about S12 at all but about her own feelings of being abandoned. But because you won't engage her in that discussion*, she has to make it about S12, because that is the only area where you can't avoid engagement.
(I may or may not have done the exact same thing with my WAH over the past few months about selling a piece of property we own.)
*I know you told her you would talk if she stopped contact with OM, but in her mind that's quite a risk to take when you are dead-set on moving to Florida and not really engaging her at an emotional level. Note, I'm not defending her, just explaining why she might not have dumped the OM as soon as she got your terse email response.
What's the reasoning behind the email-only boundary? I don't think it's reasonable to expect that co-parenting can be accomplished via email only, except in the most extreme of situations. It would frustrate me beyond belief to not be able to call up my (hypothetical) XH and talk about our D8.
The email only boundary began for my peace of mind and for me to detach. In short, STBXW would often lash out at me in texts and voice mails. The last straw was her sending me a text meant for OM. She will say she was wrong and I don't deserve her treatment when I call her on these things or otherwise communicate... but then she'll just swing back to this behavior soon after.
From experience, I can see how all this is again her trying to connect and/or control. Once I do, by sending an explanation or concession or "I understand you're upset" type email, then she'll say how bad she feels and the cycle will repeat. I want that to stop.
So, I'm going to again take a moment to step back and reset.
What do I want?
What I really want now is to take my company's offer to move to Florida and live there with S12.
I keep a job that pays for S12's future... I work from home so I have maximum flexibility to support S12... I have my brother and his family plus many childhood friends in the area for support... I save on state and city taxes.
If I stay here... I likely have to get a job that pays less... I likely have to commute to an office leaving S12 in school aftercare everyday... or, to get my current pay level or keep my current job, I commute to NYC everyday and not get home until 8pm.
I had a proposal from STBXW to make the move happen. I did not do what was required to make that proposal happen. I did not get the agreement legal immediately when offered. Without the legal agreement, I did not go talk with STBXW whenever she asked. I maintained a barrier between us. I did not try at all to emotionally connect with her. DB Coach advised me to connect at any opportunity. I have not.
I am very much acting like a WAH.
Do I want R?
I think about it. I'm open to it. I'm not desperate for it. I don't need it. When there was a possibility to talk about it... I did get a little attached to outcome. I could have asked her what she imagined R would look like. I could have asked her what she wanted to do. I don't know if showing any sign of wanting her offer to talk too much would have been good given she said she continues to see OM (even though she also said her doing so was wrong).
It might be good to talk about last week... how this new request to talk started...
Last week STBX took S12 to the beach with a girlfriend and her kids.
First, S12 got caught in a rip current and had to be rescued by a lifeguard. STBX was there and can't swim. I am a strong swimmer and would have been in the water with S12.
That evening, STBX emailed me something like "S12 was caught in a riptide. He is OK. Please call me."
I replied "what happened?" She went into a little detail and said I could call her if I wanted to talk.
I replied "who pulled S12 out of the water?" She said a lifeguard and went into a little more detail. Said S12 was sleeping.
The next morning I called S12 and we talked about what happened. I did not call STBXW.
Later in the week... I butt dialed STBXW. I have not called her since February I think. I heard her answer and she sounded friendly right before I hung up the phone.
The next day, last Friday, she dropped S12 off at my condo. On the drive there she offered, through S12, to bring me some lunch. I declined. Then, she walked S12 to my door instead of dropping him out front or walking him to my door then leaving before I answer. She has not done come to my door since maybe March.
I, fortunately, was dressed well like I was going to see my STBX (one of my new daily habits). Unfortunately, I had an eye infection from allergies. I was holding a cold pack over my eye. She handed me S12's bag and offered to keep S12 if I wasn't feeling well. I said no I'm alright. That was all I said to her before I closed the door as she was saying bye and starting to walk away. I don't think I looked at her. I can't remember what she looked like. I had not seen her in 3 months.
She sent another email offering to keep S12 if I wasn;t feeling well. She mentioned she had plans Saturday night but could work around that. I never replied to that email.
Then, that night at 11pm, she sent the "we desperately need to talk let me know when we can meet" email. I replied "how can I help you?" later the next morning. She replied with some snarkiness and a court date threat.
Now I'm here.
So, I guess I'm being a dense and obstinate man and bringing all this on myself. I don't budge an inch even though it seems I have opportunities to at least connect on a friendly level with STBX.
She communicates that she wants to connect on a friendly level. Maybe she would need that before she would consider R. Maybe that's what "keeping the road home paved smooth" means.
Maybe if I did pave the road home smoother, I could get this agreement that I want. Maybe STBX would reconsider moving to Florida with us (like she offered in her proposal). I can't count on any of that.. but maybe being more open is better than this.
Elsa, thank you. You have really made me think.
She wants to talk... keeps asking to. Insists on it. Maybe I'll just call her tonight and say "here's my move plan" and try to be nice about it.
What's the worst that can happen?