Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: SunnyB Don't Look Back 3 - 08/26/15 03:30 PM
Link to my last thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2601775&page=1

Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 08/26/15 03:52 PM
OK, so new thread and link housekeeping taken care of...

I can tell I'm going to do a lot of venting through the legal process. It just makes me antsy. The meeting yesterday was fine, nothing bad, and it still stressed me out. Today I received an agenda for our first joint meeting, and again, nothing bad on it, but, well, here I am venting. Bear with me, guys.

I'm a little put out that STBX is not taking care of what I feel are his responsibilities for D17, regarding her phone and her car. Those are things he normally would have handled, but now somehow he expects me to take over. Why exactly is that? He's not D her. I'm going to do it this time, since I have the time while I'm not working, but next time I'm going to speak up.

What I need to do with all this angst and frustration is get into the weight room......
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 08/27/15 12:56 AM
Brought over from Zues's thread, so as not to hijack:
Originally Posted By: ep0215
This is just a tid bit of info but during our last mediation my L brought up determining a date of asset valuation, i.e. the date of D filing.
Ep, setting the date of valuation is on the agenda for our first meeting. It had better be the date of filing, there were some major financial transactions during the past year, and I don't want any problems with that. There's also a major payout due next year, and quite frankly, I want half of that, too, because it's related to a transaction from last year. The things I never thought I'd have to pay attention to...
Posted By: Maybell Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 08/27/15 01:50 AM
Good luck, Sunny, I hope it all goes smoothly for you. I'm sorry I haven't been hanging around lately but there's been a lot going on around here and frankly, I was starting to feel ready to move on. I still am, but I wanted to check in on my buddies and see how you are. I think I'm happy to see your position moving a little more and you feeling strongly about standing up for yourself. I'm sorry I wasn't a part of it but I'm glad to see it happening.
Posted By: u-turn Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 08/27/15 02:00 AM
Hey Sunny
Thanks for asking your questions - I have the same questions and am entering this process right behind you. There are so many things to think of to protect yourself and the kids.

I am getting stressed out with every thought of this process.

I just wanted to let you know that I am by your side.
Stay strong
U
Posted By: asitis Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 08/27/15 03:10 AM
For both of you, just remember that if you can't decide the court will, and it will most likely decide in the way that the sensible ones not pushing for too much advantage (that is you) are suggesting. Ultimately the Ls know this, and a firm reasonable stand usually calls the bluffing and posturing. Obviously not an L myself, but from talking to others who have pushed through that far, the courts will likely see the filing date as the reasonable and appropriate date of valuation. The problem is that the S doesn't necessarily see this, and this drives the legal fees up until one of you gives out. Hopefully, they have a professional L who will help them see that when you don't just roll over that they played their hand and that it is time to accept reality.

Good luck.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 08/27/15 04:21 PM
Thanks for the support, Maybell and U-Turn. Great to see you both posting here!

Asitis, the collaborative agreement is set up to make it extremely difficult to go to court. If the collaboration fails, we have to hire new Ls, child experts, and financial people, none of it transfers over to a court case. But I don't really think it's going to be an issue anyway....I hope it's not going to be an issue......
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 08/28/15 02:59 PM
Here's a totally random rant:

I have a FB friend that I don't actually know all that well. He's M, but from all FB appearances seems to live an entirely separate life from his W. Today a post he "liked" showed up in my newsfeed. It included a picture of a very scantily clad woman, with her nearly bare a$$ up in the air. Really? I don't care if he enjoyed the picture privately, the girl was hot. But clicking "like" and having all your friends and family know it is very disrespectful to his wife and children. This falls into the "what's wrong with people" category for me. Am I a prude?
Posted By: raliced Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 08/28/15 04:45 PM
No- I don't think you're being prudish. I know some wives that are supposedly ok with this sort of thing - but putting it out there in public does indeed seem pretty disrespectful.

I have to say I've found these sort of degrading images more grating lately. Not sure if it is a side affect of D or because I have two young daughters.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 08/29/15 02:59 PM
Thanks, Raliced. I don't care what people do in the privacy of their own homes, but I just didn't like it being so public.

My GAL has tanked this weekend, yesterday I invited a friend over for dinner but it didn't work out, so I just stayed home and watched a movie by myself. I greatly enjoyed that, which is kind of the problem, I could happily be a hermit. He then invited me to bike today, and I couldn't. But I have a lot of things to take care of around the house today, and I'll be busy. Not sure what I'm doing tonight, I've been invited to an art cinema movie, but I'm not all that excited about it. D12 is with STBX, D17 is babysitting, so I'd be home alone again.

Not much else to report, everyone have a great day!
Posted By: Zues126 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 08/29/15 03:06 PM
Ha. Our GAL's flip flopped. I was planning on staying in last night but got a call from a friend I hadn't seen for a while so went and played some pool with him then hung out at his place catching up until 1AM. It felt good to get out of the house...HOWEVER I am not huge on the whole GAL thing. I've always had a life. I've always enjoyed it. I am quite happy with my life and don't feel the need to reinvent it. And if I enjoy staying home on a Friday night and reading then that's what I'll do, I'm not trying to measure up to anyone else's standards on this. Being a hermit is fine by me at times.

So it was a good evening. Only downside is I've been kicking myself all morning for fumbling a breakfast invitation...

Take care SB.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 08/29/15 07:23 PM
Originally Posted By: Zues126
Only downside is I've been kicking myself all morning for fumbling a breakfast invitation...
Indeed. There is nothing better than a lazy Saturday morning.

I'm still in semi-hermit mode. But that's when I tend to cook. I made a big pot of #chocolatechili today, it's one of my favorite recipes and freezes well.
Posted By: ep0215 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 08/29/15 07:28 PM
I have never been a fan of going out until the wee hours of the morning. So if I want to stay in and read and actually have quiet time then I am fine with that too. I never got to do that before either so it is totally on my bucket list for self care.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/01/15 05:45 PM
Yesterday I went to my IC, and I swear someday I'll get through one without tearing up. Sigh...... I lamented how grindingly annoying it is to take care of this big house and my car by myself. And while I feel like I did 85% of it anyway, the remaining 15% is killing me. I don't want to take my car to get the oil changed. I don't want to hang up shelves. I don't want to spread mulch. I'm pitching a little internal temper tantrum over having to do everything myself now, just because he is self centered. While he lives in his "clutter-free, teenager-free" apartment (courtesy of Stacey).

I'm also trying to get paperwork in order for the meeting with the financial expert. Not that much fun.

So.....Sunny has a bad attitude today. I'm going to check the temperature outside and if it's less than 95 I'm going to go for a run. And if it's not, well, there's always ice cream.
Posted By: Zues126 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/01/15 05:58 PM
Agreed. It is very difficult when everything doubles.

Expenses double with the addition of a new household.
Chores double as there are two lawns to mow, etc.
There are suddenly two alligators to feed.

For me I am now working a full time job that is more challenging than ever, being a sole parent much of the time, and finding myself struggling to take care of the things STBX used to do for me as a SAHM...and since it was a sudden BD I was just flat unprepared for much of it.

As a result all non-emergency pieces in my life have degenerated a bit. I am working little by little to reintegrate the pieces, but it's definitely a process. Just one more to go along with the grieving process and the legal process. (I have an update on my legal process but am too upset to even broach that conversation yet).

Thanks for sharing SB and hang in. I can't believe I still harbor this naive belief about the world but I can't help but think that our pain will be followed by some really good times ahead.
Posted By: PigPen Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/01/15 06:09 PM
Originally Posted By: SunnyB
Yesterday I went to my IC, and I swear someday I'll get through one without tearing up. Sigh...... I lamented how grindingly annoying it is to take care of this big house and my car by myself. And while I feel like I did 85% of it anyway, the remaining 15% is killing me. I don't want to take my car to get the oil changed. I don't want to hang up shelves. I don't want to spread mulch. I'm pitching a little internal temper tantrum over having to do everything myself now, just because he is self centered. While he lives in his "clutter-free, teenager-free" apartment (courtesy of Stacey).

I'm also trying to get paperwork in order for the meeting with the financial expert. Not that much fun.

So.....Sunny has a bad attitude today. I'm going to check the temperature outside and if it's less than 95 I'm going to go for a run. And if it's not, well, there's always ice cream.



It's just difficult Sunny, all of it. All of that 15% is also a reminder of the loss. It's an extra kick in the backside to have to do, and then to realize why you have to do it, and then experience them together. And then to do the extra 15% when you're already exhausted from the experience of the situation. It's all compounded.

I still naively believe what Zeus wrote, that some day this will all pass and not only that, we'll all come out for the better. Until then there are going to be days when we have to eat ice cream. For the record I've "quit" eating ice cream over 7 times since BD. At some point I'm just going to give in and admit that ice cream is the replacement I've chosen for love, affection, physical touch, sex, and any other form of comfort that's now missing. In addition to being a pain killer.

Sending you a big hug on your difficult day. I hope you got to go running and then ate the chit out of some ice cream.

Big hug,

PP
Posted By: rd500 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/01/15 07:37 PM
Hi Sunny. I really get what your saying and dan I just say you amazing You had back up with H that is now gone. As you say you did 85% anyway but having someone to rely on was comforting

You are more than capable but that doesn't make it easier

I just had a chic ice and read your post re ice cream. Great minds and all that !!

Your a fantastic role model for your kids and they will remember your strength forever.

Take care. Rd. xx
Posted By: asitis Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/01/15 07:44 PM
Hang in there sunny. And chocolate & bourbon are part of my self-care tool box for times like that. Wish coffee were on the menu, or at least a massage.

Can you hire some help with some of the household chores? Colleges & Universities often have job boards where you can get that kind of help for a reasonable rate.
Posted By: Underdog Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/01/15 07:56 PM
Sunny, darling--

I remember some years ago when I was the one who vented the exact same thing in IC. I wasn't just tearing up - I was sobbing as I recall.

My dear former IC (and I'm not being sarcastic here - he was awesome) pulled in the reins and pointed out some things that forced me to wriggle around in my big girl pants, dry the tears and come down to earth.

Here's how it went down:

1. He reminded me that if my H had died, I'd have had to do all these things with the grieving too; I remembering him holding his finger over his mouth in the "shush" position.

2. He reminded me that I have choices. Yes. I have choices. I could sell the house. I could hire a handyman. I could hire landscapers. I could enlist the help of my oldest daughter. I could come up with my solutions, but he pointed out that I'm not stuck in any situation unless I wanted to be stuck.

Then it came down to the fact that I just wasn't wanting to embrace my choice-laden life. Yep, it meant dealing with my feelings and that u-haul I was dragging behind me filled with resentment. THAT was holding me back, dear Sunny.

Resentment happens when we're expecting others to take care of our needs when we're not willing to step up to the plate to take care of them ourselves.

Wash, rinse, repeat. I didn't make that up, I swear. Smarter people than I have shared that. And it boils down to being 100% committed to self care. WHEN you're committed to self care, the resentment dissipates. Not saying it's not present at some level, but when you're taking care of yourself, those ugly, repressive/oppressive/suppressive thoughts are not allowed to take center stage and ruin your fabulous existence.

If you weren't thinking about this crap, what would you rather be doing?

And yes, I've done this exercise. Verbatim. When I answered that question, my C told me, "What are you waiting for? Go do it!"

Now for the epilogue to the story. I also did an exercise in parallel to my self care amp up. I made a list of things that I had that my ex didn't. So much of it was intangible, but all the things I cherish most in this life. Heading the list? My adorable daughters live with me and we are a package deal. Everything - and I mean EVERYTHING - I have is a blessing from God. From #1 on that list, it was so easy to list 10-20 more of those wonderful things that I have that couldn't ever be overshadowed by my utter disdain for yard work and handyman chores. Or my resentment that he was living a maintenance-free living in his small apartment and drinking himself into oblivion.

Repeat after me: The world is my oyster, and I have everything that I love in my life right now.

Now... doesn't that make his clutter free existence seem like a jail sentence??????

Hugs to you, Sunny-D!

Betsey
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/02/15 12:35 PM
Originally Posted By: Zues126
I can't believe I still harbor this naive belief about the world but I can't help but think that our pain will be followed by some really good times ahead.
I think so, too, Zues, but I have to say I felt that more strongly a few months ago. I went through a period where I felt like something wonderful was just around the corner. I had no M, no job, recovering from surgery, etc., and I was very optimistic that something great was about to happen. Fast forward and my life is good now, but nothing magical has happened. I'm not complaining about my life, it's a good life, I'm just saying I don't have that optimism I had a while back. Joel Osteen talks about staying in faith, and that's my challenge.

Originally Posted By: PigPen
Sending you a big hug on your difficult day. I hope you got to go running and then ate the chit out of some ice cream.
I did go for a run, I'm not much of a runner, but I was rather proud of myself an idiot for running in that heat. I did not eat ice cream. I do enjoy ice cream, particularly one brand of salted caramel ice cream. But I traded it in for a different vice yesterday. wink

Originally Posted By: rd500
You are more than capable but that doesn't make it easier
Thanks RD. I've always said just because I can take care of myself doesn't mean I want to.

Originally Posted By: asitis
Can you hire some help with some of the household chores? Colleges & Universities often have job boards where you can get that kind of help for a reasonable rate.
Yes, my IC and I talked about that, too. And I've been considering what to hire out and what to tackle myself. I think I'll start a list.

Bets, you are next, but let me just say that your habit of appealing to my logical side is playing dirty. You'll get me with that every time. smile
Posted By: Underdog Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/02/15 03:41 PM
Can't wait! grin

Quote:
Fast forward and my life is good now, but nothing magical has happened.


Go back and read my tag line, brilliantly quoted by Einstein. Read it again and again. And then just let it sit.

You're in the middle of the forest, sweet thing. You can't see specific trees on the edge of it. You can't see trees 100 yards in front of you. Trust that you're living the magic.

Not to go all spiritual/religious on you, but you are a wonderful example of God's blessings and an outward plan of the beauty that lies in store for you. Kind of like knowing you're going to share a 5 star meal with people you love in the near future. You're hosting that dinner party, but you have a lot of prep work to do to pull that off, right?

You're in the prep work, and everything is going to plan. You've opened your eyes, you've made positive changes, and you believe that you will have a meaningful, happy life. I won't say you'll get everything you want, but you'll be satisfied and complete - no matter what.

How can that NOT be a miracle, Sunny? You could have gone through life with blinders, accepting a cheating husband because you were too afraid to show the world and yourself what a worthy, desirable human being you are. Apparently, the good Lord wanted you to see how your STBX viewed you, and it didn't even come close to how HE views you or how your family feels about you. And He didn't want you to feel less than because of one flawed man who didn't deserve you and who can never, ever be the spouse you had prayed he would be for you.

He removed you from the death sentence of being married to someone who didn't have your back and who--for whatever reasons--wasn't the man you thought he was. And now you are a role model to everyone around you - a living example of God's grace. And I mean every word of that. You took this challenge standing up, accepting the buffets of insult and injury, and you kept going. God could not have asked any more from you, and you passed this challenge with flying colors.

I think I'm saying this as much as a reminder to myself as to you and all the other posters who will travel this path with us. My 25th wedding anniversary is on the 15th, and this year, my D isn't sitting well with me. Fortunately, I'm going to be very occupied with traveling to watch my D21 play Vball and I'm going to work hard at the self care thing and to shower love on those around me who DO love me and value me in their life. That's all I can do. And that's all you can do.

Hugs to you, Sunny... and to those of you who see her as a role model here too. She is!

Betsey
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/02/15 04:55 PM
Originally Posted By: Underdog
Then it came down to the fact that I just wasn't wanting to embrace my choice-laden life. Yep, it meant dealing with my feelings and that u-haul I was dragging behind me filled with resentment. THAT was holding me back, dear Sunny.
Yesterday, I did not want to embrace my choice-laden life. I wanted to pout like a petulant toddler. Then I went for a run and felt much better.


Originally Posted By: Underdog
WHEN you're committed to self care, the resentment dissipates. Not saying it's not present at some level, but when you're taking care of yourself, those ugly, repressive/oppressive/suppressive thoughts are not allowed to take center stage and ruin your fabulous existence.
The place I've been slacking in self-care, is taking care of my body. I love lifting, I don't love running but I do it. It's easy to come up with excuses not to do it, I have to take my daughter to school/pick her up from school/take other daughter to work/pick her up from work/make dinner/go the PTA meeting/work on my resume/grocery shop/go to an interview/do laundry/take the dog to the vet/clean the kitchen for the sixth time today. Blah Blah Blah. In other words, put everyone else first except me. I'm good at that, I've been doing it for years, and it's my default in stress. I was more stressed out than usual lately because of the legal wheels turning, and instead of ramping up self care I let it slide. You are so perceptive to have picked that up, Bets. I didn't.


Originally Posted By: Underdog
Repeat after me: The world is my oyster, and I have everything that I love in my life right now.
The world is my oyster and I have everything that I love in my life right now. And I do. I would never trade time with my daughters in for neatness. STBX has made the choice to remove himself from the messiness of raising a family, (and I mean messiness in a lot of senses here). He readily admitted that to me, and I think I probably had a look of horror on my face as he did. His loss without a doubt.

Thanks for the forest/trees analogy. I understand it completely, I am in a prep work phase, I suppose I'm just impatient. A large part of that comes from my job anxiety, I am coming very near to using up the severance package I've been carefully dishing out to myself in weekly increments. STBX has already told me not to worry about that, to make sure I'm taking a job because I think its right, not because of financial reasons. But I also see this job as part of my independence from him. I know I'm going to still depend on his income for many years to come, but I don't want to have to be accountable to him for everything I want. So I feel like I need my own source of income soon.

And thanks, too, for your words about the alternate universe in which I was once living. It's hard to imagine now, really. Sometimes when I'm having a down day, I'll think about it, and realize that I could never go back, would never do that again. And I do realize that my life now really is a miracle, isn't it? smile
Posted By: jim0987 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/02/15 06:08 PM
Hi Sunny.

Forgive me for glossing over a lot of important things and going for the low hanging fruit, but....

Originally Posted By: SunnyB
I don't love running but I do it.


Same here. I get bored, it hurts and I picked up a few injuries. I made no end of excuses to not go.

Eventually I had to accept that I just don't like running. so I bought a bicycle instead.

Best decision ive made in a long time!

Now I quite happily cycle for an hour or so every couple of days and because its a lot faster I get to see so much more of the area I live in.

Anyway just a thought.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/02/15 06:13 PM
I hear you, Jim. I wanted to amend my post to "I don't love running but I love it after I've run", but that didn't occur to me until after the edit window closed. To tell the truth, the reason I run at all is that I want to do an obstacle course run and there is in fact some running involved, up to half a mile between obstacles. I will never be a marathoner, but I would like to have a semi-decent 5K time. You know, for an old woman. wink

And as an aside, STBX hadn't been on a bicycle in 20 years until he moved out. Then he made a special trip one day to collect his bicycle. Really? Mine's still in the garage collecting dust. I used to ride with the kids when they were little but it's been a couple of years since I was on it. Maybe it's time to dust it off.
Posted By: ep0215 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/02/15 08:11 PM
Originally Posted By: SunnyB
And as an aside, STBX hadn't been on a bicycle in 20 years until he moved out. Then he made a special trip one day to collect his bicycle. Really? Mine's still in the garage collecting dust. I used to ride with the kids when they were little but it's been a couple of years since I was on it. Maybe it's time to dust it off.


OMG my STBX did the same thing! I begged for him to ride bikes with S and me and he bought a bike but we never went. Now he came and picked up his bike because he wants to go riding. huh?
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/03/15 12:14 AM
Yeah, Ep, we both have very different lives than when we were M. I get out and paddleboard and snorkel and hike when I can, apparently he bikes. We didn't do any of that together. It's sort of sad, I think I'm a more interesting person now, and if I knew him better I'd probably think he was more interesting. We'd probably like each other if we met for the first time. But alas, the whole back story has ruined it all.

My L sent the collaborative agreement forms in preparation for the first meeting next week. I didn't really realize we did have to make one court appearance, after everything has been agreed upon. At least no one has to get "served".
Posted By: ep0215 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/03/15 01:02 AM
Yeah Sunny I was shocked too that we still have to go to court but my L assured me it will be a 5 min thing. Basically a formality. I wouldn't worry too much about that. Good luck tomorrow!
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/04/15 03:09 PM
Yesterday I had a meeting with the MHP. She was...OK. I think she understands my position and my priorities. I was talking to my SIL afterwards and musing what MHP thought after she talked to STBX and got a very different story. Hopefully, she's seen enough other cases to understand our dynamics. We can't be unique.

I found the whole thing draining, even though it wasn't supposed to be hard. It's like picking at a scab. It seems to be healing on the outside, but once you pick at it, you see that it's not really. I feel like that.

STBX and I continue to get along, we sat together at D12's game yesterday and even talked about the MHP and about getting together the financial paperwork. We made an on-the-fly adjustment to child sharing yesterday, we are both being flexible with that. So over all, things are going well.

I have interviewed twice with two different places, I'm hoping to hear from either of them today before the long weekend.

And speaking of the long weekend,I am going away for a couple of days this weekend, looking forward to that. I'm going with five other women, my plan is to just kind of be along for the ride and enjoy whatever comes my way. I am a little nervous about it, I really love alone time and know I won't be getting any at all this weekend, but I also think it will be good for me to take my mind off other things.
Posted By: asitis Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/04/15 03:22 PM
It is stressful to be on the spot about something so important to you, so it is natural for it to be draining. I suspect what people saying it isn't difficult mean is that you don't get the third degree. You still worry about what you say & your tone & your body language, etc. Very tiring. Try not to analyze every detail, as it will only stress you more. That is done. Time to focus on now.

And it sounds like things are going well w/ STBX. I'm so grateful that my W & I are so flexible and work well together on this stuff and keep the kids needs central. Making it less stressful is also one of the ways that allows approaches to be made. Hey, it's not unpleasant to be around S in this most difficult time in our R. Not enough by itself, but it at least offers hope that you can feel your way back into a friendship, and then see how it goes from there.

That the process my DB coach says is the path we are hoping for. Getting comfortable working together cooperatively, and then unconsciously falling into a bit of pleasant small talk, and then hitting on something that was of mutual interest or that was part of what drew you together in the first place. We can't help who we fall in love with. We can fight it. We can have issues that get in the way of allowing ourselves to open up to it, or make it too hard to turn the feelings into healthy loving actions. But having those moments you did w/ STBX are where that might happen. I hope it does for you if you still want it if & when it happens.
Posted By: Zues126 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/04/15 06:09 PM
Have a good weekend Sunny!
Posted By: stacey9 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/04/15 09:19 PM
How odd Sunny - My H also came and got his bike after he moved out. Hadn't used it for years and years.

I can completely relate to your post about being left to manage absolutely everything on your own. Its just so overwhelming sometimes isn't it? I never used to worry about problems with the car or the plumbing or electrics as H sorted everything. If it was a job he couldn't manage himself, he could get someone else to fix it within hours. But since he left I've managed a few DIY jobs myself (with the help of S18).

And don't you think a clutter-free, teenager-free apartment would get a tad boring? I certainly do.

Have a great weekend xx
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/07/15 09:51 PM
Thank you Zeus. I did.

Hope everyone else had a nice weekend, too!
Posted By: Zues126 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/07/15 09:57 PM
I've been refreshing these forums every 30 seconds for 71 hours straight waiting for the exciting update, and I get this?

Originally Posted By: SunnyB
I did.


Welcome back. I did as well. smile
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/07/15 10:06 PM
Bwahaha! Yes, that's all you get for now. STBX is on his way over with D12 and we are grilling burgers. So...later.
Posted By: Vanilla Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/07/15 11:17 PM
You are grilling burgers and not STBX?

That's restraint!

V
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/08/15 02:39 AM
Naw, V, STBX grilled the burgers and all is well. Complimented me on the changes I'd made to the house lately. I kept his glass filled with his favorite beverage and had a nice evening. Mr Perfect is going to be a good X.

I'll update tomorrow.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/08/15 03:00 PM
The weekend was lovely, just what I needed. We left Saturday morning, and drove over to the west coast (of FL). One of the ladies used to live in that area and knew fun things to do and places to eat. We went to a dinner theater, a comedy club, a butterfly conservatory, a wildlife refuge, the beach, ate at some really fabulous restaurants. We laughed and shared stories and had a great time. We were supposed to do a Segway tour yesterday, but the weather was bad so we just decided to come home a bit early. That left me time for a nap, as the only downside of the trip was that I didn't sleep well.

Zues, when we were at the wildlife refuge, I kept my eyes open for an alligator, but never saw one. wink
Posted By: rd500 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/08/15 03:53 PM
Sounds like you had a blast. Touring a Segway would t have taken long anyway !!!

Take care. Rd
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/10/15 05:03 PM
Is there any hope that my STBX will ever learn to check school calendars and emails and put things on his own calendar? I used to send him appointments to his calendar for things, I don't do that anymore. But unless I specifically tell him about an event, and often even then, he is clueless. And then he complains he didn't know. I'm mostly just venting here, not really looking for a solution. He's not going to change, I just have to decide whether to try and keep him informed or let him disappoint the girls. We all know what I'm going to choose.
Posted By: jim0987 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/10/15 05:45 PM
Hey Sunny,

I can see why thats frustrating, but i'm guessing its never been any different?

I was tempted to type something philosophical about acceptance but instead I'm going to say what does it cost you to keep him informed and its not for his benefit its for the girls.

and for no reason other than I was inspired by your conversation with zues

Q: what do you call an alligator with GPS?
A: A Navi-Gator
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/10/15 05:45 PM
I fantasize about playing the "nice" game until the D is final and then letting him sink like a rock in the eyes of the girls. I know that's wrong, and I won't actually do it, but...sigh...

I guess it's just one of those days. Think I'll go run some errands to get me out of this chair and out of my funk.
Posted By: rd500 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/10/15 06:25 PM
That's the difference between you and so many others , you would only day dreaming about it !!!

I hope the funk doesn't last long.

Take care. Rd. xx
Posted By: Underdog Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/10/15 06:27 PM
LOL, enjoy the fantasy, Sunny. Sometimes it's enough to imagine it from start to finish. With or without a glass of wine. grin

Actually, can you ask the girls to own the task of letting their dad know what's going on and remove yourself completely?
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/10/15 06:44 PM
Originally Posted By: Underdog

Actually, can you ask the girls to own the task of letting their dad know what's going on and remove yourself completely?
D17 would never tell him anything. And I don't think its fair to put that on D12. She'd mention it to him but at a time he couldn't write it down, he'd miss the show and say he didn't know, and her heart would be broken. So for now I'll just forward emails and send texts. As she gets older I'll shift that over to her more, but for now having daddy show up for her is more important to me than the logistics of how he got there.

I'm just whiney today I guess. I was working on my financial disclosure earlier and it's boring and annoying. Picking at the scab.

RD, I think the funk might be over already! smile
Posted By: Underdog Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/11/15 02:17 AM
Ok, gotcha on D12. But I think I would tell H, "I'm backing away from the R between you and the kids. I'll do my best to let you know important events for D12, but it's now up to you to communicate with them."

And I'd let the other kids know so they know it on them if they really want their dad there. If not? He's going to learn the hard way that there are consequences lining this path. Sunny, this is no longer your job for the older kids. Yes, it's sad. But you didn't choose this for them. He did.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/11/15 04:14 PM
Hi Bets! I am involved a lot less than I must have come across yesterday. wink I stay 100% out of it between STBX and S19. With D17, I only get involved when there's an event that I think is important, such as the back to school night and parent/teacher conference that were yesterday's topics. STBX and D17 schedule their own dinners out and D17 asks for what she needs in terms of purchases, etc. I still stick my nose in the school stuff because D12 has equivalent functions at her school and I don't think it's right for me to tell him about D12's and not D17's. She only has one more year to go, and then I'll be out of that one completely.

I do note that things evolve over time. In the beginning, both STBX and I needed me to be more involved in the kids stuff, coming to a hands off approach slowly took place as he was able to step up and take over functions he hadn't done in 18 years. Same with NC, the two months I put so much effort in to limiting contact to a minimum just didn't work well for either of us. When I did contact him, the amount of information was overwhelming for him and I didn't get the responses I needed. Parsing things out in smaller doses worked better for us. I see him or talk to him probably four or five days a week now.

I'm weighing my GAL options for this weekend, and thinking how great it is to have options.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/16/15 12:54 PM
Today I have a meeting with my L in preparation for tomorrow's first collaborative 5-way. I still have no idea what I'm doing, I really don't. I have seen the agenda, I have read everything my L has given me, and I still don't have a grasp of all the things that need to be addressed. I guess that's where the Ls and experts come in, they have done this before and that's why they are getting paid. Maybe I'm overthinking this, I'm a pretty smart girl, I'm not sure why this is not clicking with me. Ask me to produce a financial statement, speak at a retreat, open a book store, or plan a 3-day convention. Those I understand. D? Not so much.
Posted By: rd500 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/16/15 04:32 PM
Hi Sunny. Maybe it's a bit much to try and focus on or maybe your having s blonde moment ( we all them ). Whichever your L is there for this. Defer to them unless it something you don't agree with and if your not sure about something just ask.

As you say your a bright girl and will deal with it

Let us know how you get on

Take care Rd. xx
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/16/15 04:53 PM
RD, how did you know I was blonde? I really am but I was hoping it didn't show in my writing wink. Heading into my meeting now, will update later.
Posted By: Vanilla Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/16/15 05:47 PM
Sunny

It's not because you are blonde trust me, so am I. This stuff is hard to understand......

It's the protocol and procedure that I find so hard. Now I am going grey....

V
Posted By: Sotto Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/16/15 08:19 PM
I am dark - but still a bit ditsy at times. Sunny, I hope the meeting goes as well as these things can my friend.

Take care xx
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/16/15 08:35 PM
Thanks, RD, V, Sotto. Today's meeting was just me and my L, in preparation for tomorrow. No surprises, really. We went over some papers that need to be signed tomorrow, which I had already received by email and read. We talked about my position on a couple of things. I am possibly being unreasonable on one minor detail, but it's only unreasonable if STBX doesn't agree. We'll see what happens tomorrow.

Part of the collaborative process is that everyone understands and expects that either me or STBX can call for a break if needed. I am glad this is spelled out. STBX loves to argue, and enters an argument with the intention of "winning", not of working things out. My style is more listen and then let it swirl around in my head a while and then see what pops out. In that regard we are dreadfully mismatched. So I may be making use of the "hold on a minute" technique tomorrow. I will not be bullied into accepting what I am not comfortable with.
Posted By: ep0215 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/17/15 02:09 AM
Sounds like a good meeting with your L. If you feel stressed or anxious definitely ask for a break. I repeat to myself over and over on the way "this is a business meeting". It does help. I don't understand everything either and that is what L is there for, lay it out in lay man's terms for me.
Posted By: Vanilla Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/17/15 08:05 AM
Sending you strength today for focus, calm and detaching.

V
Posted By: jim0987 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/17/15 05:20 PM
I hope it goes/went well today.
Posted By: RAI Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/17/15 05:27 PM
Ditto! You are in my thoughts.

RAI
Posted By: Underdog Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/17/15 07:04 PM
Thinking of you, Sunny. Hope everything went okay.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/17/15 08:51 PM
Thanks to you all, I really appreciate your checking in on me. I'm heading to a meeting at d17's school, so I'll update later.
Posted By: ep0215 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/18/15 12:02 AM
Hey Sunny! I got slammed at work today so I didn't catch up until now. I hope it went well and can't wait to read your update.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/18/15 01:59 PM
Ok, so here's the update. There's actually very little to tell. Most of it was explanations of the process and signing papers that we were all going to play by the collaborative rules. Everyone did an introduction, STBX and I stated our long-term goals, we discussed our financial situation in very general terms, we agreed how the fees are to be paid. We set up more meetings with the MHP to finalize a child sharing plan, we talked about the plan to get documents to the forensic accountant, we set up the next collaborative meeting. I was happy to hear that STBX's long term goals were nearly identical to mine, and I'm grateful that the pie to be divided is big enough to make it happen. As gentle as that was, I still teared up in the meeting, and had a good cry after. My crying after seemed to be a stress release as much as anything, but it exhausted me.

After that we both headed to Back to School Night at D17's school so it was late when I finally got home.

I really appreciate everyone checking in on me, it was nice to relax after my long day and see your posts. smile

I have D12 this weekend, and she was out of school sick earlier this week, so I think we'll just chill and have pizza and movie night today.
Posted By: Vanilla Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/18/15 02:06 PM
Really pleased

V
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/19/15 02:16 PM
Thank you, V.

It's a quiet weekend for me, just hanging out with my girls.
Posted By: rd500 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/19/15 02:35 PM
Hi Sunny. Sounds like it went well and non combative Have a great weekend with yours Ds

Take care. Rd xx
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/25/15 09:01 PM
I sincerely with all my heart hate STBX today, I really do. Just today.

But on to better things.....a volleyball game (he'll be there) and then an evening out with friends.

Wishing everyone a great weekend.
Posted By: adinva Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/25/15 10:58 PM
Hi Sunny, thanks for being here and journaling. I'm in nearly the same place as you, maybe a little behind where you are, and it helps to feel less alne on the journey. I'm rooting for you!
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 09/26/15 12:16 AM
Thanks, adinva, I really appreciate that. My sich is so settled, so drama-free that I sometimes just don't feel like there's anything to post. I'm glad that my journaling means something to someone.

I hate him just a little less after I left him in a puddle of middle school girls about an hour ago. I know he was counting on D12 going to a sleepover and him going to hear a band tonight. He'll probably still find a way to make it work out, but I'll be at a different location listening to a different band, and, well, I'm planning to have more fun.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/06/15 01:03 PM
Maybell, thanks for asking about me. smile

There's really not much to update on. Things roll along, some days I really hate him, some days I don't think about him at all. Most days we exchange a pleasant text or we sit together at the game. I am a pro at GAL. This past weekend I went down to Key Largo and had dinner with friends, then listened to a band at a tikki bar. It was my intent to spend the night there but ended up driving home. D12 was sleeping over at a friends house, wanted to come home. STBX went and picked her up but thought it would be fine and dandy to take her to his place, where she could cuddle up with the duck. Ummmm....no. I'm happy to drive the Overseas Highway at 2am to prevent that, thanks. And that's really my one big unresolved area. I wish he'd just dump the duck or vice versa, and he'd get a new girlfriend. I'd take her to lunch to celebrate.

As far as legal process, we have each submitted things to the forensic accountant, and I'm expecting to have to meet with him to establish what I need going forward. I almost have everything in order to do that, probably way more detail than he's expecting. That needs to be done before the next collaborative meeting, which is the end of this month.

This Thursday, STBX and I are meeting with the MHP to finalize the child sharing agreement. Things work very well now, but I asked for this to make clear expectations about holidays, birthdays, vacations, etc. Last year I wouldn't have had her on Mother's Day had I not invited them over for dinner. And I'm going to be hard-nosed about Christmas. I don't want D12 to be separated from her brother and sister on Christmas just because STBX had a "selfish phase" (Look Who's Talking, anyone?). So we'll see how that conversation turns out, wish me luck. I'm also planning to bring up overnight visits by an unrelated adult, which I know also applies to me. Morality clauses probably fell out of favor in 1957 but I'm going to say it anyway.

I'm hoping for a job offer this week. Honestly, I'd rather win the lottery and continue to stay at home, but, it's not looking promising. So this job would be helpful. It's a not-for-profit and I really like what they do, and think I could do a good job for them. Cross your fingers for me.
Posted By: WhyUs Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/06/15 03:52 PM
Sunny,

I looks like I have found the right thread this time. I accidently posted on Maybell's So...purpose of forensic accountant?:)
Posted By: rd500 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/06/15 08:01 PM
Hi Sunny It's hard to know how you sounding in your post but you don't sound anywhere near as detached as you used to. Has anything happened ? Why the hate for STBX. , I don't think I've heard you talk like that before.

Good luck with the job offer I hope it' arrives.

Take care. Rd. xx
Posted By: Zues126 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/07/15 03:01 AM
Good luck on the non-profit job Sunny, but better luck on the lottery. I'd recommend buying a few tickets on the way home from court so you don't have to split it!

PS- what has four legs, is green, and could kill you if it dropped on you from a tree?






(answer: pool table)
Posted By: Sotto Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/07/15 07:10 AM
Hi Sunny, the job sounds great and I hope it works out for you. Whilst you might prefer not to have to work, it sounds like a worthwhile venture and you have something good to offer them too. Hopefully it will be rewarding for you. I also work for a large charitable trust and it is good to be part of an organisation that 'improves lives.'

As for your STBX, I understand what you're saying. Though it sounds as though your R with him is pretty good all things considered, which is great for your kids. I agree about OW. I find it much easier to practice forgiveness towards H. I have a bit of a block about OW.

In my case, she is rather dysfunctional and this R and her last were both affairs that ended M's with kids. Plus she cheated on the last guy with my H. So, none of that is a person I would want to be. I try and think of her as a little girl who was once sad as there will be some difficult history that led to this I guess.

What about the Duck. Do you sense the same? I agree with you that I would find it much easier to accept a 'new woman' than one who has been central in a big betrayal of me. Who knows, the OW may change for both of us, otherwise we'll need to find a healthy way to live with the existing one. I'm lucky in that H and I have no kids together, and I never have to see her again unless I choose to.

Sounds like you are in a pretty good place anyway Sunny & take care xx
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/07/15 11:56 AM
Originally Posted By: WhyUs
Sunny,

I looks like I have found the right thread this time. I accidently posted on Maybell's So...purpose of forensic accountant?:)
Hi Why! The role of a forensic accountant is identification and valuation of assets. It's certainly not necessary in all cases, but they can be useful where one of the partners owns non-marital assets, where the pay structure is unusual (large bonuses, commissions, etc.), to value a business owned by one of both of the spouses, where there are collections (e.g., art), where one spouse has little knowledge of the finances. A financial expert can also assist in structuring the settlement to achieve future goals, education of the children, for example.

In a traditional divorce, each side may have its own financial expert, who then battle it out. In my case, we have one financial expert and we both accept his opinion. He works for both of us, not either of us.

Bottom line is, if you are young, your assets are not complicated, and you both agree on the split, a forensic accountant is probably not necessary.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/07/15 12:10 PM
Hi RD, Zues, Sotto! Thanks for stopping by!

Originally Posted By: rd500
you don't sound anywhere near as detached as you used to. Has anything happened ? Why the hate for STBX. , I don't think I've heard you talk like that before.
RD, you are correct, I don't usually say things like that, and so I wanted to sleep on it. I don't really hate him, I'm frustrated with him that lately he has not been following the S agreement we both signed 11 months ago. He's been slipping, and I've had to call him out on it. I don't want to be the police and I don't feel like I should have to. I want him to be a big boy and own responsibility for his actions and keep the agreement we made. When I call him out he says he will, but I just shouldn't have to do it. So I say I hate him.


Originally Posted By: Sotto
What about the Duck. Do you sense the same? I agree with you that I would find it much easier to accept a 'new woman' than one who has been central in a big betrayal of me. Who knows, the OW may change for both of us, otherwise we'll need to find a healthy way to live with the existing one.
To this day I have no idea about the duck. I don't know who she is or anything about her. I have never asked. If a black hole swallowed her up tomorrow, I'd never think of her again. In some ways, I feel like she and STBX deserve each other. In some ways, I hope one of them cheats on the other just so they know what it feels like. If I didn't have three kids with this man, I'd toss back a fireball after my court date and leave them to it. BUT......we all know about my three kids, and while I'm happy to co-parent with STBX, I don't want anything to do with the duck, I don't want my kids around her, I don't want her invited to family gatherings, I don't want her in my TX vacation house, I don't want her sitting at my kids sporting events. I have a serious problem with this, and I know it needs to come to some sort of resolution soon. It's something I need to work on.
Posted By: ep0215 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/07/15 12:55 PM
Sunny - your strength is inspiring. I know what you mean about 'hating him'. I often yell that into my pillow, I don't mean it, it's better than telling him how I really feel. Keep it up!
Posted By: claire7 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/07/15 01:44 PM
SunnyB, I know how you feel. The fact that this younger woman who sent me congratulations after my D was born will now be a part of her life makes me queasy. She will be the one to see my D celebrate holidays with H's nieces and nephews and grandparents. She will probably be the one who gives my D a sibling. She will be a part of my life whether I want her to or not. Blergh. But that is an unavoidable fact I will have to come to terms with.

You are strong. Hang in there.
Posted By: Underdog Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/07/15 03:40 PM
Hi Sunny!

I'm in the camp of seeing you develop passion in the non profit world. Somehow, I think it will bring you unexpected joy and fulfillment. smile

Don't forget the real yucky reason people typically hire forensic accountants: to find hidden assets that some spouses deliberately squire away to remove them from the settlement. I know in the course of my time here, I've recommended going that route to a few posters who think I'm being over the top. Then they find out later on that the ex did just that and they're furious. I think most of our spouses (or former spouses) aren't that devious, but some certainly are.

Interesting that RD addressed detachment with you. You know that you can get most of what you want (things in writing, stability, specifics) out of the process without any added emotion, right? Those holidays were something the court required us to hash out at the beginning. I actually looked at the damn decree a few weeks ago (I was purging files) and laughed. We do almost none of it now. But in all fairness, in the beginning of the process, it was very comforting to know that we had that document to guide us if we ever ran into road blocks.

Re mothers day. Ours is written so that I have them on MD and he has them on FD. At some point, we both wanted to celebrate by doing things we wanted to do - sans kids. It changes with the year. So we now agree to agree on what the honored parent wants to do. Now it only applies to my youngest, but we've learned to make our split work for us. I think you and your H have the skill sets to do it too.

Just know that once you get this behind you, you can always tweak things if he's not the kind of person to take you to task for wanting to change things up. Picture harmony and you will get it.

What would you guys think if you let your youngest tell you what she wants and see if you can both make it work? She's old enough and you both seem like you get along and respect each other and the process. Plus we both know what your D will really want. So why be the bad guy?

Hugs to you-
Betsey
Posted By: Ggrass Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/08/15 07:24 AM
Pretty sure hate and phases there of are pretty normal.

We all do the revenge Type fantasy, and the what if of it.
I acted out a bit... But I stopped very quickly when I realised it was just making me silly and used up emtionally. Giving someone power over me that didn't deserve it.
Posted By: Vanilla Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/08/15 11:26 PM
Think of the duck roasted with plum sauce.

Hugs

V
Posted By: claire7 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/08/15 11:32 PM
Hijacking for a moment, please excuse this interruption...

Just wanted to say, Betsey, that you are such an inspiration. I know someday I will be as OK with my stbx and my sitch as you are with yours... I often have your 'voice' on my shoulder as i think of how to respond to stbx. And I think I know how you'd respond to the question I just posted on my thread in the Surviving forum... The high road feels so hard to take sometimes!
Posted By: jim0987 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/09/15 05:35 AM
Hi Sunny.

I get a lot of what you mean and no matter how I rationalise it, its still unpleasant to see my son giving OM a hug or hear my kids talk about the stuff they do (I simply can't compete financially with all XW and OM do with the kids).

But equally I know I have to get over it because the only person suffering from my dislike of it is me and there is jack all I can do to change the reality. I can only change my reaction.

I take some comfort in the fact that my XW is being pretty reasonable about things, if somewhat inconsiderate. But I did make sure the childcare agreement assumed she wouldn't be so that if we have to default to that I'm protected for things like father's day and birthday.

It's a shame you have to tell him things repeatedly but in the end incompetence is a far better explanation than deliberately problematic.

Hope you have a good weekend
Posted By: rd500 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/09/15 10:01 AM
Hi Sunny. Lots of positive advice and maybe I'm way out of line here but could you have OW killed. !!!!! Just an idea. You know , something quick and painless , we are not monsters !!!!!!

Just a thought Bounce it around and see what you think LOL. I can feel you smiling from accross the Atlantic !!!


Signed. Definitely NOT. RD
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/09/15 04:18 PM
Thank you all for chiming in! I smiled at a couple of the suggestions, maybe shouldn't say exactly which ones. wink

The meeting yesterday was OK, although I was very surprised at the stance STBX is taking on some things. For instance, he tried to pass off Thanksgiving as "just another Thursday" where he normally wouldn't see D12 until after school. That way he could spend the morning with the duck and her kids. I said I'd love to hear him explain to D12 that he can't come over and make apple pie with her because he's spending Thanksgiving morning with someone else's kids instead. He backed off pretty quickly for this year, but made it clear that next year won't be the same.

He's also balking again at us being in Rockport together next summer, and this time he spelled out what he didn't say this past summer: the duck doesn't like him being there with me. Heck, if I were her, I'd be insecure, too. She knows better than anyone he's a cheater. I wouldn't trust him if I were her.

Overall, things didn't go as well as I'd hoped. We came to an agreement on the things we discussed, but he didn't like it. He's getting nagged, and that's going to affect my kids. And I'm going to say it one more time, if he'd get rid of the duck and start dating someone else, we'd get the blended family of the year award. Plum sauce, indeed.

We have another meeting in a couple of weeks to get to the issues we ran out of time on yesterday.
Posted By: raliced Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/09/15 05:02 PM
Originally Posted By: SunnyB
T

He's also balking again at us being in Rockport together next summer, and this time he spelled out what he didn't say this past summer: the duck doesn't like him being there with me. Heck, if I were her, I'd be insecure, too. She knows better than anyone he's a cheater. I wouldn't trust him if I were her.

Overall, things didn't go as well as I'd hoped. We came to an agreement on the things we discussed, but he didn't like it. He's getting nagged, and that's going to affect my kids.


Well Sunny - Insecurity and nagging get old eventually....which doesn't bode well for the duck. That being said, until that happens - It sounds like there are going to be times that he puts her needs above D12s. And that blows.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/09/15 05:22 PM
Originally Posted By: raliced
Well Sunny - Insecurity and nagging get old eventually....which doesn't bode well for the duck. That being said, until that happens - It sounds like there are going to be times that he puts her needs above D12s. And that blows.
I was never a nag, and I really thought he'd tire of the duck quickly. He readily admits their relationship is "rocky" but he somehow sticks it out. Mindblowing that he sticks that one out but couldn't stick ours out.

And, yes, it blows that he even considers putting her in front of his children. It's not just D12, he would be missing out spending time with the other two also, they just aren't covered in the parenting agreement. I really can't comprehend how that's OK.

I know I did the right thing asking for the D, the timing was right both for me to move on and for his guilt to be generous. But getting through the steps is no fun.
Posted By: adinva Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/12/15 01:16 PM
Hi Sunny - i just reread all of this thread and again thank you for journaling even the mundane because i'm right there with you! The dramalessness, the yardwork, the occasional hatred, the finances.

I spent all yesterday moving the needle a tiny bit further on our financial separation... Ta da! A decision on health insurance! Took all day. No one could possibly want to hear what i go through, except this magical place. So you saved me all that typing by writing a lot of my same thoughts here and getting some great advice!

When do you have your next step in the process? My next step is to work out with h an understanding of our living expenses and then go for 2nd meeting with our mediator.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/12/15 01:27 PM
Originally Posted By: adinva
When do you have your next step in the process? My next step is to work out with h an understanding of our living expenses and then go for 2nd meeting with our mediator.
Hey Adinva! This place is magical, isn't it? smile

We have another meeting with the MHP next Tuesday (week from tomorrow) to finish the co-parenting discussions. Our next group meeting is on the 29th. That's supposed to be a financial discussion, so in theory we will each have met with the forensic accountant before that, although nothing's been scheduled. I have given the accountant all my financial stuff, and STBX has given him account statements, etc., but I don't know where he stands with the long form. I have my own version of the long form but I'm not offering it up just yet. One, I want STBX to have to do the work, and two, I want to see what number he comes up with . If it's more than mine, then, well, we'll just go with that. So, even though it seems like things are dragging out, I guess they really aren't.

I'm going to say it one more time, if the duck weren't involved, we'd be the perfect D family. Then again, if she weren't involved, we probably wouldn't be D.

How did your first mediation meeting go? I guess I'll pop over to your thread and see if it's there.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/20/15 06:50 PM
Thanks to those of you who asked for an update. smile

Things continue to roll along without a lot of drama. H and I met with the MHP today and I think we finalized child sharing. We have chosen to not document most of it, preferring to work things out as we go along. I have assembled and sent in most of my financial documentation and declined to send in some things, I discussed that in my last post. Assuming H gets his financial disclosure in on time, our next meeting would be in two weeks.

Since my last update, D12 turned 13, and I went to visit S19. Also.....kind of a big one....I received a job offer. Yay me!
Posted By: rd500 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/20/15 06:55 PM
Congrats to D13. Congrats on job offer and glad you and H can co parent so well

Take care. Rd xx
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/20/15 07:06 PM
Thanks, RD. You know, a mutual friend of mine an STBX offered to refer me to a hit man yesterday, it was the first time he'd acknowledged anything was going on at all. I smiled and told him not necessary, people were lined up for the job. wink
Posted By: PigPen Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/20/15 07:08 PM
Congrats on the job offer Sunny, hopefully it's a small bright spot in an otherwise difficult time in your life. Sounds like your H doesn't know which way is up right now and is just floundering around.

You on the other hand are doing extremely well in the hardest of circumstances. Despite the pain of the situation, that's something you can hang your hat on.

Hug,
PP
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/20/15 10:29 PM
Thanks, PP! There are things I'm not sharing here, but I do believe the duck is on his case quite a bit. Despite what he's done, I don't think he deserves a woman like the one she seems to be. I really can't imagine why he puts up with her. I guess he's not telling me the good stuff. wink

I'm a little nervous about how it's all going to work out with D13 once I go to work, I won't be able to pick her up from school, see her games, all the things she's used to because I've always done them. But I'm happy to have the job, it's a not-for-profit organization I believe in, and we'll see what happens.
Posted By: Zues126 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/20/15 11:20 PM
Sweet! Congratulations Sunny! That's great news.

Funny how after enough time passes the emotional battles subdue. I'm in a spot where the only stress I feel comes from the unsettled items of parenting and finances that are still being negotiated. We have a meeting next Monday, hopefully we can make some serious progress. I really feel like once the D is final it will eliminate the majority of the remaining stress. As is when I picked up the kids and saw STBX, I felt...not much. Sometimes I check to see if I'm in denial, and pick the scab a little, but really there just isn't much there. Billions of women aren't married to me. She is now one of them. There's not much difference anymore, she's just faded into the background. Sounds like you're in calmer waters as well.

Thanks for posting and talk more soon!
Posted By: rd500 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/21/15 12:25 AM
Hi Sunny. Don't pick the first one , this is like choosing a good mechanic Yes lots can do the job but find the right one and it's one you can keeping going back to with faith that the job will be done properly !!!!!!!!!!!

Also hitman is so 80s , I believe problem remover is now much more in use or even trash man by the more hip amongst us !!

Take care. Rd xx
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/21/15 12:32 AM
RD, I really am an 80s girl at heart. However, I bow to your hipness. I guess as long as the job gets done, it's just terminology.
Posted By: Zues126 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/21/15 10:46 AM
long hair and hoop earings...nice!
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/21/15 11:04 AM
Originally Posted By: Zues126
long hair and hoop earings...nice!
Eyes shifting from side to side....obviously someone is watching me.....
Posted By: Maybell Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/21/15 02:23 PM
Congrats on the job offer, Sunny! I'm glad to hear things are moving for you. HUGS!!!
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/24/15 05:29 PM
Originally Posted By: Maybell
Congrats on the job offer, Sunny! I'm glad to hear things are moving for you. HUGS!!!
Thanks, MB! Wishing you a job offer soon, too!
Posted By: JksD Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/27/15 10:07 AM
Hi Sunny, I have been reading up your current thread and i must say that I am wowed by your grace and upbeat spirit.

If the X and I could be half as civil as you and your STBX are, well, I dont think we would be calling each other 'exes'. You sound so sweet, sane and validatimg that my X would prob fall in love with you in a heartbeat.

You really are my inspiration, and I hope that I can one day have the type of R you have with your STBX.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/27/15 04:31 PM
Thanks, Grlonfr. STBX and I have almost the same relationship we always had. We rarely fought, usually saw eye to eye on kid stuff and finances, enjoyed each other's company, were quite compatible in the bedroom. We weren't perfect, obviously, but I still can't put my finger on anything that was divorce-worthy. Still, here I am, and I'm happy that we are getting along, happy we co-parent nicely, happy I'm not stressing over finances, happy about a lot of things these days. I read here all the things that could be going on, and I'm just so grateful not to have to deal with that.

I read a book a few months ago about different types of relationships that divorced people might have. The book made it clear that the type of relationship changes and morphs over the years. A couple that started off as Fiery Foes may very well end up as Cooperative Colleagues someday. I wish that for all of us.

In other news: STBX did not get his financial disclosure in on time and we had to postpone the meeting that was supposed to take place on Thursday. The next one is mid-November. Before that, STBX will meet with the forensic accountant, then I will. Then we'll get down to the details at the next group meeting.

The parenting plan is about 90% done, it's as vague as the law will allow, stating mostly that we'll work it out between us. That's what we both wanted. The only part not done is financial-related, about who pays for activities, etc. That will be part of the financial discussions.

So things are on track, and hopefully we can wrap this up by the end of the year.
Posted By: Vanilla Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/27/15 11:55 PM
Many congrats

V
Posted By: rd500 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/28/15 12:26 AM
Hi Sunny Glad all going to plan and your attitude re how good it is rather than how it could be better is an excellent one

Take care. Rd xx
Posted By: Zues126 Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/28/15 02:15 AM
Hey Sunny, glad things are smoothing along. Agree you are a leader on these boards and we appreciate you. I know I feel lucky you follow my sitch (I'll post soon, just been trying to keep my head above water, pool lifts me up, court drags me down...). When do you start the new job?



Edit - Plese start a new thread. - Cadet
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Don't Look Back 3 - 10/28/15 05:43 PM
After much thought, I have decided to move over to the Surviving the Big D board. Y'all join me over there, please.
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