Hi, my name is Mutatio, which is Latin for "change". I have been lurking since new years day, trying to do it on my own. I know what I need to do first, detach, I just can't do it. I will share with you my tale of woe and hopefully you kind people will offer feedback I can use to detach. I have put off posting for many reasons but now I see I am making things worse and must get help. I have started the DR book. I will explain my situation in future posts, it is to emotional for me to try to do in one sitting. I will post this now to start this journey.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Yes, the sooner you start posting the sooner you can begin a new YOU! I wish I had started months ago before Dbomb, even though I was lurking here I never posted, never applied the techniques, man wish I could go back in time.... Oh well whats in the past is in the past. move forward.
Glad you are here, you are in good company! Start by doing only what works, STFU, Listen, Validate.
Yes, please share with us the details of your situation. You'll learn two things very quickly...that you are NOT alone...I was shocked at how many people had been through similar situations, even down to the words and tactics my W used on me, and that this board is full of veterans who have a lot of wisdom to share (I'm not a vet here). This is a warm safe place to vent, journal, and ask questions. Fantastic therapy!
Thank you for responding Cadet, ILYNOT and NH115. I guess I'll start with the present and in further posts describe how I got here.
I am a 57 year old male. My beautiful wife is 52 years old. We have been married for 26 years. We met 29 years ago. We dated exclusively after we met and I proposed after 2 years and married 1 year later. We have 3 children, D22,D20,S15.
After months of our marriage struggling,January of this year my wife declared she was considering divorce. There is much leading up to this which I will mention in future posts. She stated that she would not be physically intimate with me until/unless she wanted to.
By February I had become depressed so I began seeing a therapist and started taking daily anti-depressant medication.
In March I found this site which gave me some solace. I also began going to a Buddhist Meditation Center. I'm Catholic but not practicing. I was functionally and emotionally at rock bottom at this point.
In April I thought I was becoming more stable. My wife then says that she prefer that I don't touch her. I realize she is pulling away and there is no emotional intimacy with her. I am such emotional wreck at this point. The month of May I am on auto pilot trying to adjust to my new normal.
By the month of June we stopped seeing friends and doing things together. My two daughters come home from college and see whats happening, causing more heartache for all.
In July my wife starts not wearing her wedding ring intermittently.By the end of the month she is not wearing it at all. I realize that ring is a symbol of the bond we share being married but if she is not feeling that bond wearing the ring means nothing so I accept it. She also hints she wants to sleep on the pull out couch in the sitting room off of our bedroom but does nothing about.
Last weekend she moved out of the bed onto the sofa bed. This is where we are presently
In January she started skewing her working hours. She would wake up after I went to work and would come home 7-8 o'clock. This was because of the way I was behaving (begging and pleading) and she felt no desire to be come home and be with me.
There is a lot of history I will mention in the next sitting but this is my world now. I am adrift in the sea of despair and watching my wife float away.
How do I list the life facts at the bottom of my post?
Do I have to type it each time?
I have many talents but computers are not one of them.
Thanks
How do I list the life facts at the bottom of my post?
Do I have to type it each time?
I have many talents but computers are not one of them.
Thanks
After you get off moderation you will be able to put it in your profile - under MY STUFF
yes we need more details in order to provide you with some opinioned guidance.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
There are 4 chapters to my marriage. I described what I would call the 4th chapter earlier in this thread. It is the chapter I am now living. The 1st chapter does not need a lot of explanation, we are in love and we get married. Life is good.
The 2nd chapter is the children years. It lasts about 15 years and in hindsight this is where I did the most damage to my marriage. I am willing to go into more detail but not right now. I was mean to my wife and children. I bullied them to get my way. I was emotionally abusive to them never physically. A lot of yelling. I have excuses but they don't matter because I am responsible for my actions. If that wasn't enough I would drink a case of beer a weekend. During this time my wife stopped loving me. She stayed for the kids. Towards the end of this chapter she hated me and wished she had never married me. I now realize she is an conflict advoider. We did not communicate well.
All this comes to a head in chapter 3. She has a two month emotional affair on the computer with a guy living 30 miles away.Then they meet once in her work parking lot and kiss and grope for an hour. They plan to meet again in a few weeks after the holidays and go all the way. Before it can happen the OM's wife finds the messages on his laptop and confronts my wife, I find out and I am devastated. I quit drinking, 7 years now, and try to focus on my marriage and my children.No more yelling, I don't care if I win. My wife does the same. We are both motivated by guilt, by what we had done to each other. Its good for a while but becomes less passionate as time goes on. Looking back I realize we should have gone to therapy, IC and MC. To make matters worse I have developed codependency issues with her and might have been depressed before I realized I was. I became so scared of losing her from my bad behavior and her affair I made her my only focus. She starts drifting away, sharing less, working more and I melt down in the fall of 2014. I realize whats happening and chapter 4 starts this year, described in a earlier post.
That's how I found my way here.
Today my wife said she is going to tell her parents we are struggling. I read this as a very bad sign because she does not tell her parents much.
I need to detach, I say I will but after a day or so I weaken and beg and plead with her. I hope a dialog with all of you can help me with my resolve. Any suggestions, ideas or comments would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
Any suggestions, ideas or comments would be greatly appreciated, thanks.
Keep reading DR and do all the homework in the links above, read threads here and POST.
Knowledge is Power.
Thanks Cadet, I'll hit the reading list tonight.
I just seem to struggle implementing what I already know.
The mind is willing but the flesh is weak.
If anyone has techniques that work in moments of weakness I'd love to hear them.
Hi mutatio I am by no means an expert but I am going through this terrible time so I do rally feel for you.
The biggest thing that I have come to realise is that no matter what you think you can change your W will do what she feels is right by her.
The mindset of someone who is thinking about leaving and someone who has left is very different
Detachment is the key and it is on the rules ...rad the rules over and over and try to stick to them it is not easy but it does help.
My w has told me several times now that she will not be getting back with me I have to accept this right now is how she feels I really do not know if her feelings will ever change I doubt it ......my W is Very strong willed some of my friends are starting to call her tough she has made up her mind
I really hope that you get a good outcome for your situation
Keep reading the rules try and detach
Take care my friend
Ghost
Thank you Ghost. When I read your words tears were forming. Please know I feel your pain. It seems to me that detaching from the one you love is as bad emotional pain as it gets. I really struggle, like an addict trying to kick the habit.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
When you first get here ... its in a panic. Cadets list is no accident nor is it a ... 'hey check this out when you get time' ... you have to read it ... more than once. There is a TON there, and even more to really digest and process but you have to change your mind set, this is paramount.
Then start with the basics .. Detach .. GAL.. 180-Rinse and Repeat.
I tried writing this several times but it's tough.
One thing that helped to focus my mind is that there is something more to detachment than just pulling away. Distracting yourself, GAL. You have to shift your heart, your mind into a new place.
Your marriage is over.
Let that sink in.
You will act as if you can save it, and you will do so as if you are back in a place where there was a healthy relationship. There is not. She has been cutting those bonds for years in her heart.
What you want is a new marriage. One that's really amazing. Right now, it's to her. Maybe you go through this and you find someone else. Maybe it can't work. You have to start thinking of her as a friend that you want to pursue. The more you try and fix this like a husband, the more you will weaken yourself and push her away.
Attraction --> Acceptance --> Meeting needs
That's the road to falling in love. It works the other way too.
We stop meeting their needs, they stop meeting ours. We stop accepting each other. Then the attraction dies. You can't meet her needs right now. That's what we focus on as husbands. You have to start back at attraction.
What is attractive about a man? Inner Strength. Leadership. Courage. Yes you have to look good, but those things will breed attraction. By pulling away, you find your center again. The strong man you used to be. Become independent immediately. Practice validation, work on yourself, become strong, GAL.
A leader is fun to be around.
A leader is confidant in himself
A leader is Charismatic and loose
A leader is loving to others and treats them well
A leader is a provider, not just of money but enjoyment.
Hardest thing I have ever had to do, but that's what will make you human again, strong, confident, happy, and attractive no matter what happens. That was the man she fell in love with. He is still in you, but life has a way of locking it down.
I don't want to sound harsh, but if I had heard this at the beginning, and really understood it, I would be in such better shape right now. I believe in you, and we are in pain that cannot be described, pain that disables the best of our character, but in that pain are the helping hands, the ones that work on us.
Have courage, you are not alone.
I tried writing this several times but it's tough.
One thing that helped to focus my mind is that there is something more to detachment than just pulling away. Distracting yourself, GAL. You have to shift your heart, your mind into a new place.
Your marriage is over.
Let that sink in.
You will act as if you can save it, and you will do so as if you are back in a place where there was a healthy relationship. There is not. She has been cutting those bonds for years in her heart.
What you want is a new marriage. One that's really amazing. Right now, it's to her. Maybe you go through this and you find someone else. Maybe it can't work. You have to start thinking of her as a friend that you want to pursue. The more you try and fix this like a husband, the more you will weaken yourself and push her away.
Attraction --> Acceptance --> Meeting needs
That's the road to falling in love. It works the other way too.
We stop meeting their needs, they stop meeting ours. We stop accepting each other. Then the attraction dies. You can't meet her needs right now. That's what we focus on as husbands. You have to start back at attraction.
What is attractive about a man? Inner Strength. Leadership. Courage. Yes you have to look good, but those things will breed attraction. By pulling away, you find your center again. The strong man you used to be. Become independent immediately. Practice validation, work on yourself, become strong, GAL.
A leader is fun to be around.
A leader is confidant in himself
A leader is Charismatic and loose
A leader is loving to others and treats them well
A leader is a provider, not just of money but enjoyment.
Hardest thing I have ever had to do, but that's what will make you human again, strong, confident, happy, and attractive no matter what happens. That was the man she fell in love with. He is still in you, but life has a way of locking it down.
I don't want to sound harsh, but if I had heard this at the beginning, and really understood it, I would be in such better shape right now. I believe in you, and we are in pain that cannot be described, pain that disables the best of our character, but in that pain are the helping hands, the ones that work on us.
Have courage, you are not alone.
SOLO15, Very well put!
I keep a journal of meaningful thoughs or quotes, writings, etc.
This is going in there! Thank you for that!
Solo15
Your words are wise and I do not want to believe them I along with others cling onto what ever we can but the sinking feeling just keeps pulling us down I guess it is like walking on quicksand nothing is going to stop the inevitable
Hard to take in and accept but I do not think you are wrong
Wow, CaliGuy, Solo15, ILYNOT thank you all for responding. I like this place. Ghost I feel better walking done this hersheys highway with you.
I'm going to meditation class now and am going to think about your words Solo15.
Thanks for the support and TTYL
Listen man, I'm not saying its over and there is no hope. What i am saying is that the faster you pull out of this and re target you energy into what will make a difference the better chance things will improve. It ain't over till it's over. But it sounds like you have been living with this heaviness in you heart for a long time. We sit and watch it all crumble bit by bit. Its agony. Dont grieve. Act. Pick yourself up and let that strong man out. Don't waste too much energy on grief. Grieve when there ia nothing left. Follow the principles of DB and work on you. My heart goes out to you man. I suffer every minute of every day but i can finally see what i need to do. You are not alone.
It seems to me that detaching from the one you love is as bad emotional pain as it gets. I really struggle, like an addict trying to kick the habit.
I don't think you're getting it quite right here. There is nothing painful about detaching. Detaching is a way to ALLEVIATE pain.
You do something thinking your W will react positively but doesn't, what do you do? Right now - probably mope or feel down or get in a funk. But a detached you shrugs it off saying no big deal, maybe next time.
Being able to achieve that level of emotional stability is healthy and CRITICAL to this process. Your wife is going to be on a roller coaster of emotions - you can't ride along with her.
Thanks for your thoughts Solo15 and Azzork. I came home from meditation, said hello to my wife and asked her how her day went. Her response was "fine". With that I looked at the mail and left the room.
Solo15 your advice is right on. I think I have a slim chance to pull this out and I'm not dead yet. I now see if I don't detach right now, I will destroy any shot I have left. Thank you for supporting me during this marital implosion and please keep pointing me back onto the path.
Azzork, I may have not explained my self well and/or I'm suffering from a mental emotional blockage. What I am doing is trying to detach and doing okay with it for a day or two. Then some little thing happens which hurts so I go and talk to her. Then I break down, start crying,begging and pleading. I find it very hard to hold my resolve more than a day or two. I think fear of losing her has me so beaten down I am stuck. The funny thing is since you compassionate people are helping me i feel a little stronger. I might have been upstairs with her right now searching for an emotional breadcrumb if not for your support. Azzork I have read posts you have written on other threads. I hold your opinion in high regard.
Thank you both again.
. What I am doing is trying to detach and doing okay with it for a day or two. Then some little thing happens which hurts so I go and talk to her. Then I break down, start crying,begging and pleading. I find it very hard to hold my resolve more than a day or two.
But I still contend that this isn't really detaching. It's not about ignoring her, or not talking to her. It really isn't about the quantity of interactions you have, it's about the WAY you handle the interactions. It's the breakdowns you have to knock off, you know? No woman is attracted to their husband turning into a sniveling wreck. There are going to be A LITERAL TON of little hurts you are going to experience on this ride. And several not so little hurts. Your goal is to get to the stage where they don't hurt any more. That's being detached. Even keeled, cool, calm...
I think fear of losing her has me so beaten down I am stuck.
I wrote this to Ghost56 this morning. There's nothing to fear because you've ALREADY lost her. Frame your thought process with that backdrop, and your motivations will change.
The funny thing is since you compassionate people are helping me i feel a little stronger. I might have been upstairs with her right now searching for an emotional breadcrumb if not for your support. Azzork I have read posts you have written on other threads. I hold your opinion in high regard.
Thanks for your kind words. It certainly helps just knowing that you're not alone. And that what you're going through isn't some unique case - there are so many individual stories, but they're all so similar.
Azzork, You are one hundred percent right in your advice and I am going to double my efforts to detach.
One thing, I was not ignoring her. The interactions were what I consider reasonable detaching conversations. After a few days of getting it right I would give in to my weakness and beg and plead. I would then cycle back to detaching.
The difference now seems that writing these moments down and explaining them to you I feel a strengthening of my resolve. If I can go a week without wimping out I know I can do this.
Thank you for your patience, I truly do appreciate your advice.
Don't worry about a week.
Can you get through TOMORROW?
Good question, I'll let you know tomorrow night. If all it takes is a simple challenge to keep me on the straight and narrow path of detachment then I should have posted here six months ago when I discovered this site. Actions speak louder then words. ttyl
Morning coffee went well with my wife. We pleasantly discussed a few things that had to be arranged and all went well in regards to the new normal. She went downstairs to exercise, shower and dress for work. When she was leaving she pleasantly said good bye to the children. I said to her "enjoy your day". She neither looked at me or responded, just walked out the front door. I did not like that but tried to forget it.
Later in the day something happen that has not happened once since the outing of her EA/PA in 2008. I thought I shouldn't be treated like that. That was wrong, regardless of my weekend beer binges and mean & bullying moments. She did something really hurtful. I always said to my self "your were a nasty SOB and you pushed her into it" That is a wagon load of horse manure. She made those choices. She did those hurtful things on her own. I do not have to carry her burden.
I was cooking dinner for tonight and I received a text from her, "I am going out to dinner". That says it all metaphorically. So the test is if I can process this situation and not have it build into a emotional moment of drama with her.
Please help me to flush this emotion from my system.
Avidya; means ignorance, a lack of knowledge, learning and scholarship. In its spiritual sense it means the lack of self-knowledge that leads to material, egoic consciousness, which is the cause of all suffering.
I thought I would share the meaning of the word I chose for the title of this thread. Makes sense to me.
It's just dinner.
Sounds like you'll have lunch for tomorrow too.
As for the other stuff. No, you do not deserve that. The only person at fault for an A is the person that chooses to do it. You created the opportunity, but it was her choice. With that said, it doesn't really matter right now.
Thank you for your kindness Azzork.
I agree, now its a moot point. Just another brick in the wall. I'm just glad not to own it any more.
I am going into this weekend with a PMA. I visualize the man I want to be which is to treat my wife and children in a way so that in 5 years I will say "I managed and behaved the best way possible".
I find having a dialogue with people here cathartic. Starting to post and interact is much more therapeutic then lurking and reading.
mutatio
When you get those urges to talk and beg just realize it really wont help at all. Its only to push you further from your goal.
Detachment is a very difficult thing to do and not something you will get overnight, or even likely in a few months. Realizing that this is her journey is a good step in that process, it lets you realize you aren't in control. Once you realize that you can begin to focus on yourself instead of W and start to fix the things you didn't like about yourself. You're here to fix you, not the M, not W.
Thank you for responding Fogg. I have read your posts on other threads. I like the way you think.
All spring and most of this summer I wasted my time trying to reach, convince and enlighten my wife. Epic fail! All I got for my hard work was a wife who stopped wearing her wedding ring and a wife sleeping in the other room. I decided to stop lurking here and post because I had nothing that worked. By posting I am thinking more deeply about the process and how to integrate into my life. I think when I lurked it was a intellectual exercise in understanding. By posting I am understanding with more breadth and depth.
Your spot on with it being about me. I see it now, it is the only way out of suffering. After my wife's EA/PA I was so afraid of losing her I developed a codependent aspect to our already struggling marriage. This is how twisted I had become. I have not fully fixed myself yet but at least I know how to go about it. I see the path now, I am no longer lost and crying about it.
I am grateful for another day and must remember the mantra "today I may die" so that I make the right choices in the interaction with my loved ones and the world.
Since post I feel better during the day but my mind is racing when I try to sleep. I guess this is how the pendulum swings. It seems that as I evolve new thing arise. Like if I have to finish the food on my plate, every time I take a bite someone puts another heaping on the plate.
"Jane, get me off this crazy thing" - George Jetson
ideas, comments
Just wanted to pop in and encourage you. It sounds like you are starting to make the shift in your mind into a place that will gain you your freedom.
I can say that I've been separated for about 3 months now, and only now am I able to really detach. I think about it all the time, and I have good days and bad. I think it comes down to momentum. You can't stop a freight train on a dime. We build so much momentum in our lives, especially in our relationships. Years of memories, of trials, goals, dreams. They are a huge weight moving at high speed.
It takes time to slow that train down. It takes effort. I am finally reaching a new stage of detachment, and it only came after moving through the pain. Drawing the poison out little by little. Giving it up, and letting it go. Creating a new space for you to live in, even in your own mind.
We pattern ourselves to love one woman, our heart grows around her, and over the years our identity, our self esteem becomes wrapped up in that person. But as you detach, as you pull away, you will start to become stronger, and you may realize that you are an attractive person, with a rich and full future ahead of you. When was the last time you felt desirable or sexy? That will happen again.
I highly recommend going to the gym. Lifting weights. Start with compound movements like benchpress, deadlifts, squats, military press, etc. Does not matter how old or young you are, it's amazingly good for you. It will trigger a ton of good hormones, you will look better, feel better. The weights are honest, they don't change, and you can conquer them. You have to do this for yourself. It is something you can control. If you are overweight, then lose it. Focus on what you can control. It's not good for all this pain to be trapped up in your head. Use your body to channel some of it out. It really works.
Good luck man, you are doing great.
What kinds of things are you thinking about? If they're out of your control, then try to dismiss them. Accept that they aren't your concern right now.
I've tried envisioning a giant STOP sign filling out my entire head. I've felt the bad thoughts bounce against it and dissipate.
Just breathe deep a few times.
I think about the future a lot and this is a waste of time since the future is not here. I am pleasant to my wife but I focus on my work and the kids. I really want no regrets in the future about how I handled this mess. Instead of grasping on future problems that may never materialize I am going to work on me in the present, physically, mentally and emotional. I will find joy from my kids and this will be enough for me.
Solo15, I believe your right about shifting my mind. Thank you for you thoughts. I love the freight train analogy. My train needs to dump a lot of excess baggage before it gets going again. It's funny you mention going to the gym. I am seriously considering joining a gym and doing exactly that. It would have to be in the fall.
Hi all, Just came back from dinner with the wife and kids. I am starting to get pissed off. She won't look at me at all. She only talks to me when I ask her a direct question. We are out with the family and she ignores me. Up to now I would get sad and mopey.
Since you wonderful people have opened my eyes I am getting into the anger phase. I guess this is just a rant, its the same new story. The only thing that's changed is I am really annoyed by her actions. I will now join then and watch their mindless tv show. ttyl
Hello again, after getting past the emotion of dinner I am disappointed that I let her actions get a rise out of me.
I am still grasping with my heart for a different reality.
Just posting here gives me the support I need to keep moving forward.I am glad there is a place we can all come for support.
Mutatio - it's perfectly natural to FEEL anger. It's a natural part of the grieving process. It's what you DO with that anger that's so important.
Wield it wisely, friend.
Thank you Azzork the Wise. Your one of my current heros.
When my wife had her EA/PA in 2008 I chose to stop drinking and have not gotten angry in any real sense with any of my family since then. I have a real aversion to it since I realized it nearly did and still might have destroyed my marriage. I got angry when I started writing that post. I'm not sure I realized I was angry till I started typing.
Anger never brought me anything of value.
Another day, another disappointment. I am reacting better to it then in the past.
What makes them throw it all away so completely?
I need help guys. I really blew it today. I discussed our relationship and it worked its way to divorce. I told her about our states laws and how unpleasant it would be for her. She makes a tremendous more amount of money then me. She got very quiet and now will not discuss it will me. I told her that I didn't want that outcome. I am afraid she thinks I was blackmailing her or threatening her economically. I hoped by saying it she might reconsider her position.
How bad did I effect my situation? She was talking about divorcing fairly soon. That's why I panicked and miss spoke. How can I fix this? Please help, I'm freakin out
I need help guys. I really blew it today. I discussed our relationship and it worked its way to divorce. I told her about our states laws and how unpleasant it would be for her. She makes a tremendous more amount of money then me. She got very quiet and now will not discuss it will me. I told her that I didn't want that outcome. I am afraid she thinks I was blackmailing her or threatening her economically. I hoped by saying it she might reconsider her position.
How bad did I effect my situation? She was talking about divorcing fairly soon. That's why I panicked and miss spoke. How can I fix this? Please help, I'm freakin out
It's a step backwards for sure. Pointing anything like that out just sends a message that you think she's incapable or that she can't handle herself. Of course, that's not the intent - but that's their read on it anyway.
So, it happened. Oh well. Learn from it and move forward. There's no "fixing" anything. Just relax and don't do it again.
Thanks Azzork, I seem to fall flat on my face every few days. I guess it seems a little better and then I try to persuade her to give me a chance.
How do you stop asking your wife to reconsider when you love her and she is done with the relationship? What motivational techniques are employed?
How do you stop asking your wife to reconsider when you love her and she is done with the relationship? What motivational techniques are employed?
The same way you stop doing anything that doesn't work you cause you pain. You do it wrong enough times such that you realize you don't want to do it anymore.
How do you learn to not touch the hot stove?
My wifes mind seems to be made up in this moment. She says she does not know how she will feel in the future. If that is the case. I got stop talking to her about it now.
What have you people done when you had the urge to discuss the marriage? Do I have to avoid these discussions her completely?
My wifes mind seems to be made up in this moment. She says she does not know how she will feel in the future. If that is the case. I got stop talking to her about it now.
What have you people done when you had the urge to discuss the marriage? Do I have to avoid these discussions her completely?
Keep hoping someone else will jump in to talk to you, but....since I'm here....
Of course she doesn't know how she will feel in the future. Nobody can know how anyone will feel in the future. The key is that right NOW, it is clear how she feels. And that's why there's no point in having relationship talks right now. All you will do is force her to hurt you again and that's not good for either of you or your M. The only thing to do is respect her feelings and give her the space she is looking for.
That's why I said that about the stove. What's the point of doing something if you know it's just going to hurt you?
Azzork thank you for responding to my questions and helping me.
It seems like you are the only one responding to me, have I done something wrong?
hey man im here,
I haven't mastered the art of not talking about the M. But I have been better at it lately. I try to do the same thing the rules say. Look like im happy and content with the way things are right now. Obviously im not happy or content.
And honestly I try to say away from her as much as possible. Ive been playing golf a lot and spending time on the phone with my father. It is in no way easy but from what ive learned here it is imperative to stay away from those types of conversation. I don't know about you but every time we talk about the M I feel worse and I think she does too.
You haven't done anything wrong here. I have dry spells on my thread as well. Every time I post I cant wait for some one to respond.
Mutatio,
you are getting great advice from AZZORK. Just keep doing what you are doing, one day at the time.
Stay strong buddy...
Ive found that sometimes theres so many new people coming in, that sometimes it's hard to get invested in a new "story" until that person posts enough to show that they really are committed to the process.
As Cadet said, just keep posting. The people will come.
Thank you both tkdmme and Vapo.
tkdmme, I think your right about the thread. I'm a fixer and I want this fixed now. I want you guys to give me the manual and then I can tune up my marriage. Guess what, this marriage needs a major overhaul, motor, tranny and rearend. This marriage is going to be up on the blocks for a while.
Vapo, I have nicknamed Azzork "Azzork the wise". He is the man. I only hope I become as wise as he and the rest of the vets. I feel like a freshman at DivorceBusting High School on the first day. I see all these upperclassman that have it all figured out and I'm walking around still wet behind the ears.
Have you ever been to a party, surrounded by people and felt so very alone?
One thing that has really helped me is to move away from this idea that it's going to happen overnight. That somehow my W is going to wake-up from where she is because I do or say the right thing. This thinking makes me seek out breadcrumbs. It builds weakness in my heart because I want some sign that it's getting better.
Honestly, we are in big problem territory. Your analogy of fixing the M like a car is pretty good. But I think it's even bigger. It's more like building a bridge. It's a new bridge, the old one fell down. You are still clearing away the rubble from the old one. You know why it fell down now. How the new bridge has to be designed. It's going to take many months, maybe years, resources, effort, hard work, setbacks, bad weather, labor strikes...you get the picture. You are the engineer trying to build the bridge. You don't give up when something sets you back. You keep moving forward. When the bridge is done, it's not going to fall down again. But the trick here is that the bridge isn't your M. It's you.
I think that part of this thinking enables us to not be so affected by the small setbacks, the cold shoulders, the many small pains. The ups and downs. Feelings are something that change. Emotions can change. You are changing right now. Becoming something different. Something better. You are going to free yourself from this agony.
You, like me, have become co-dependent. You and I are miserable right now. This is not healthy, nor your future. It is just today. It will get better. I'm having a horrible day today, it feels like my heart is on fire. I'm fighting depression, and jealousy, and anger. I'm empty and hollow, but I will get better. Right now I'm going to focus on the positives, and I'm going to get my strength back. You are going to do that too, and I promise we will feel a little better.
Keep posting. We are here for you.
Solo,
that is a wonderful analogy. Just beautiful. I am thinking of having it laminated (and I am not kidding).
Stay strong buddy, it does get better.
Vapo,
So glad that helped you man. I have to keep reminding myself of this stuff. It's all so much to process at once, getting things into a nutshell like that help me visualize the problem and help me re-target.
Actually, re-target is a good word. I'm trying to grab every negative thought and re-target it into something different. Dwelling on the pain really does nothing. We are men of action! We want to do something. So now I am trying to take action and capture those thoughts and re-target them. We are such elaborate and subtle machines. Powerful in our ability to think, feel, intuit. Yet there is this one charged thread in our minds that we keep following, over and over. We can't let it go. It's out heart, the seat of our emotions. It has such power over us. We must follow our hearts, but not be ruled by them. I am trying to change my heart so it's worth giving to someone.
We will survive this. We will grow stronger. We will find peace, happiness and maybe one day a new M that stands the test of time.
Thanks for the kind words man. It is shocking how good that feels to hear.
How did so many smart people end up in this swamp with me?
Solo15 your bridge analogy is great. The visualization is perfect. The last paragraph speaks volumes about me. I do feel exactly like you state we do. Thank you for the comfort and hope.
Vapo I appreciate you support. Its nice to know that there is a group of people that support each other.
Azzork the wise thank you for being there all these times.
And for all you lurkers out there, when you share it helps you so much more then just reading. I did that for 6 months and got nowhere. By joining and connecting with others you explore yourself in a more deeper manner. I am still in the swamp but understand more deeply, more completely that there is only one way out. DETACHMENT-learn it live it, love it.
I learned something new today and that's always a good thing.
When my wife and I are discussing our marrige and she 's had enough and doesn't want to talk and more and I don't respect my wife's boundaries and keep begging & pleading that's a form of bullying. When she's had enough I should and will respect her wishes and stop talking.
I think this will be easier said then done. If I don't respect her, how will she ever respect me?
Thoughts? Experiences? Insights?
That is hard, but I always visualize that I will post a recap of the conversation here, and I want people to respond to me "good self control, good job validating and not reacting, good DB skills." So if I can think of it before I get emotional, I think, I am going to make the DB'ers proud of me, can't wait to tell them how well I handled the sitch. I also know with my H, any slip up I make at all (and even imagined ones) will be dragged out in MC and that is no fun. So I take a deep breath, and remind myself not to take the bait, and then come here for praise.
I had a couple insights last night while I was trying to sleep. One was good but doesn't amount to much and the other saddens me.
I realized if our marriage fails and my wife wants to divorce me from her life I can still love her. She can chose to no longer what to share her life with me and that will hurt beyond words.
What she cannot do is destroy the love I feel for her. I may not be able to share my life with her but I can still love her. No one can take that feeling away from me. During this process I do not have to stop loving her only respect her wishes. I was upset till now thinking everything would have to be surrendered.
The thing that saddens me is that she continues to devalue me. She is becoming more distant, more indifferent or concerned about my mere existence.
PMA and GAL are the answer to this situation. Why does love have to be so sad?
I sure could use a comforting word if there is anyone out there.
M, trust nothing they say and only half of what they do. She's hurting inside, you can bet on it.
Think for 1 minute, sure she has to devalue you, she has to justify in her mind why she left you. Just give her space and she will soon start to wonder why is she not feeling better. It is this removing yourself from the equation that is the eye opener for her...
Stay strong buddy...
Thank you for taking time out of your day to post Vapo. You are 100% right. Your going to think I am crazy but I am so deeply sadden to see my wife depressed and angry. Since I am the cause of her pain there seems like the only thing I can do for her is to detach myself and give her the space she needs to work through this emotional moment.
I have a few questions but I need to get back to work, ttyl
Since I am the cause of her pain there seems like the only thing I can do for her is to detach myself and give her the space she needs to work through this emotional moment.
Dont beat yourself up too much. YOU are not the 100% cause of her pain. She is hurting because her M is suffering, but you both contributed to that.
And the detachment is for you, not for her. Youre backing off and giving her space, yes. Thats important....and probably necessary. But the detachment side is for you to be able to navigate this difficult journey.
As Cadet says, you didnt break her, so you cant fix her. Focus on you, and maybe someday youll get a second chance to make things right.
Yes you are 100% right!!!! keep detaching and giving her the space she truly needs right now,you were smothering her with R talks, leave her alone, work on yourself!
It does get better but you must do this for yourself.
How does your spouses express their emotions with you during this troubled time in your marriages?
My wife gets quiet, barely talks, answers in a mumble that I can't hear. Between the silence and the depressed looks, I get so down. I have started to leave the room and do my own thing. She perks up with one of the kids or the dog. Its good to know your station in life.
If I got this right, the two important ingredients I need in my life are patience and time? Add some good behavior and I get a chance, maybe.
This is my life and I accept it.
Patience, time, and concentrating on you rather than her will get you through this.
Haven't you noticed that the stronger your professed "love" for her has become, the more cold and distant she has become? They are directly correlated together.
What have you been doing in terms of psychological and spiritual PMA?
MrBond, thank you for posting to this thread. I have read many of your posts and appreciate your clarity of thought.
This spring when the marriage broke down, in our discussions I would tell her I loved her and she would be compassionate and understanding in her response. Now if I tell her I love you in a conversation she says I know and appears uncomfortable.
Since this spring I started attending twice weekly evening meditation sessions at a Buddhist Meditation Center. I really love going there. It has helped me tremendously emotional and spiritual. I have met so many kind compassionate people. My PMA is buoyed by this activity. I have registered to take a evening class at the local community college this fall. These 2 things to do will keep me busy 4 nights a week.
Should I let my detachment grow organically or force it. I don't talk a lot now but do make an effort to say good morning and good night. I try to be pleasant when she speaks with me. I find I explain myself more often now. I think I am over compensating by doing it but have not figured why. I may be scared of her, of the power she wields over the fate of the marriage.
Any advice you could offer would be greatly appreciated.
Think of detachment this way... see her as you would a neighbor. With a neighbor, you are concerned with their well being, but you don't necessarily care if they don't "feel" anything towards you.
Before, my W would say the craziest things. At that point I would picture her like one of those people you would see muttering to themselves in the street. Then whatever she would say, I could easily laugh off.
I think that's a great attitude to have man. It's definitely a step in the right direction. The more you pursue and pressure, the more she will move away.
Think of it like a balance beam.
Independence ------ Interdependence ------ Independence
When the marriage is good, you are both in the middle. The beam is in balance. When one person moves towards independence you naturally slide towards them which propels them further from you. If you also begin moving to independence, the beam gets back in balance, she slows her slide away from you. Eventually you might both come back to the center. But in this way, you must think of the pressure, or the relationship conversations as you pushing her into independence.
I personally would not start any discussion about your M, but if she speaks to you about it, listen, look her in the eyes, validate what she says and try to keep your emotions from being affected by any of it. It's tough, but it will work much better than if you press her.
Keep at it man, we are here for you. Just remember you are not alone, and that all of this is human nature. It's documented and well understood. Your pain and fear is also natural, and you must not own too much of this. It's not all your fault. Period. You have a right to be happy, and you cannot fix her or her feelings. You can only control yourself.
My last post was in response to this one:
I learned something new today and that's always a good thing.
When my wife and I are discussing our marrige and she 's had enough and doesn't want to talk and more and I don't respect my wife's boundaries and keep begging & pleading that's a form of bullying. When she's had enough I should and will respect her wishes and stop talking.
I think this will be easier said then done. If I don't respect her, how will she ever respect me?
Thoughts? Experiences? Insights?
I had the same problem when trying to talk to my W about our M. She would want to end the conversation but I wouldn't. Yes, this is completely disrespectful and bullying. I have not had any M or R talks with her for 16 days now. I know this seems like not a long time to some of you but its pretty good for me.
Hi Mulato,
Don't have much to contribute as I am also working on detachment myself. It is definitely hard and I find myself always falling back into speaking about the R/M. I have taken a very big stand in my sitch by asking her to move as she is the one that wants out of the M, and as of now I feel good about my decision, as if I gotten back some of my self-respect and self-worth.
Just wanted to give you support and tell you to hang in there, you are not alone in this.
Today was a day that would normally have made me frustrated to no end but because it didn't involve my wife and marriage I actually enjoyed the distraction. If you haven't experienced what we're going through it might not make any sense at all.
MrBond, the neighbor detachment technique is one I think will work well for me, Thank you.
Solo15, I love the balancing beam visualization, it allows you to see exactly what pursuing your spouse does to the relationship. For me visualizations quickly give me a more complete understanding of the process. Thanks for the support.
tkdmme, when I read about not respecting her boundaries as a form of bullying I stopped it immediately and will never do it again. Having bulled her like this in the past can be attributed to ignorance. I can live with that. Bullying her now, would be selfish and I could not live like that. Thanks for sharing your actions with me. It seems that strong emotions can get me off balance, thus back to Solo15's balance beam visualization. Thanks for sharing.
EMMess, Thanks for jumping in, your always welcome. I struggled with detachment for many months. I lurked here, read the words but was could not make it happen. I joined about 2 weeks ago and I have made more progress now then in the last 6 months. I think writing and sharing ideas back and forth make a big difference. Keep posting. You asking your wife to move since she is not sure about the marriage makes complete sense to me. I never offered to move out of the bedroom. Thanks for the support.
I have not cried in 3 days, sell you Kleenex stock!
Walking the path of Detachment to PMA and GAL seems to be working for me. No big breakthroughs, just a couple of more days with balance.
I go to meditation tonight which is a wonderful vacation from my mind. Do any of you meditate?
Nothing new to report on the marriage front. Using the glass is half full view this is good.
Detachment is progressing, sometimes at a snails pace but progressing.
Meditation is key to this process mutatio, keep at it. It will calm your nerves and help you build a reservoir of strength to draw from.
Good work on the PMA and GAL too. What's going to happen is going to happen, how you get through it is up to you.
Stay strong.
PP
Thank you PigPen. Was your pen name chosen in tribute to Ronald McKernan, also known as Pigpen? He was a founding member of the Grateful Dead. I love his work.
The GAL seems a little easier to manage then the PMA. With the GAL, you create plans,follow a schedule, have a routine and live. The PMA is free floating and seems to be more easily affected by the day to day turbulence of life. The PMA is doable just something more hands on for me at this stage of my evolution.
The PMA is free floating and seems to be more easily affected by the day to day turbulence of life. The PMA is doable just something more hands on for me at this stage of my evolution.
I claim that with a PMA, you are less affected by the day to day turbulence. The PMA is just that - an attitude. Doesnt mean youre always happy. Just means that you choose to celebrate the positives and allow the bad things to fall away.
Have you watched the TED talk by Shawn Achor on The Happiness Advantage?
Ahhhh, I see. I believe I have be doing that. I was assuming that with the PMA practice the negatives in life do touch you. Like a rain coat or deflector shield. Now I see it just as a attitude and a vantage point. Thanks Azzork.
I will view that TED today and post feedback.
All there is is now, all there is is now, all there is now.
I am going to take this gift of time and work on me in the here and now.
Patience and time...
A few questions for you wise people.
I make an effort to say "Good Morning" when I first see my wife in the morning and knock on her door, walk into her room and say "Good Night". I do not say much more unless she feels like talking. She typically does not talk to me unless she has something specific to say or inquire about.
Is saying good morning and good night "crowding" her?
She never complains about it and we say these salutations to the children.
Is it okay to say it to her knowing she would make no effort to say them to me?
Good morning when you see her is polite. Knocking on her door to tell her good night is pursuit IMHO. She may not feel this way, but give her a chance to miss your coming to say good night at least.
If she is not initiating, then you just be polite and mildly friendly. she will be reacting even if she doesn't complain. All those little incidents that aren't really what she wants but not a big enough deal to say something about eventually add up and not in the mutatio wins column.
I agree with Asitis. No knocking.
Thank you asitis and Vapo.
It makes sense, if she enters the kitchen in the morning and I am already there Good Morning is fine.
Entering her room at night just to say Good Night is a polite form of pursuit.
You people are my barometer and compass, I am not fully acting, there is still some reacting and second guessing on my actions. Oh well, a new day is here with new opportunities.
You are doing great Mutatio. It is exhausting, though, isn't it, always second guessing yourself. Better than giving in to your emotions and just collapsing though. And it gets easier.
My H is still in the bedroom and I don't say good night unless we are going to bed at the same time. Usually he stays up really late and then comes in around midnight and sleeps on the floor. Then he leaves for work at 5 am so unless he is home for the day there is no "good morning" either. Although I am awake, but I pretend to be asleep. I'd rather not start my day pursuing.
photoka, the second guessing was paralyzing. It is a stumbling block now and will hopefully be nonexistent in the future. My wife's withdrawing is making it much easier to get my emotions stabilized. I do not worry about ever becoming that emotionally constipated again. I am sure sadness will come and go on this journey, not like in the beginning.
As I evolve with a PMA and GAL I desire to remain married to my wife. At least once I've felt do your best and what ever happens happens. I'm not going to make myself sick over this.
My question is this, is this a normal feeling? Is this a detachment indicator? What does it mean besides the obvious?
You are receiving great support from other LBS's who know what you are experiencing. I am (or was) from the other side of the fence, as they say. I was a wayward wife. My M was saved and I have hung around the board to give whatever help I can. Mostly, I try to give a little insight about the mindset of a WW.
I don't know if you have the links yet, but if you are interested in my threads about helping a newcomer LBH with a WW, here is the first one.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554
Thank you for posting Sandi2. I will read the thread this afternoon/tonight.
Thank you asitis and Vapo.
It makes sense, if she enters the kitchen in the morning and I am already there Good Morning is fine.
Entering her room at night just to say Good Night is a polite form of pursuit.
You people are my barometer and compass, I am not fully acting, there is still some reacting and second guessing on my actions. Oh well, a new day is here with new opportunities.
We all struggle with the second guessing, reacting, unconscious habits that we are trying to change, and walking on egg shells. It is tiring. That's a lot of why we need GAL & detachment. GAL gives us a break from it all to recharge our batteries. Detachment makes one less reactive & spend less time second guessing. It takes time, and it doesn't mean that we don't still struggle at times. But you appear to be doing very well.
Some things you'll struggle and struggle with, even if you understand it intellectually. Then something will happen, and you just get it and that aspect will click into place. We not only need to be patient w/ our Ss, but with ourselves.
Just remember be friendly & polite when she is around and initiating interaction, but unless it is really, really necessary you don't initiate.
I have a question that I need an answer to. Heres the background to the question.
We have a mutual friend that has invited us to a dinner party this coming Friday. There will be 5 couples and we are all friends. The woman who invited us knows we about our marriage problems. When she invited my wife, she said you decide if you want your husband to come. She is more my wife's friend then mine. She got divorced 3 years ago and has met some one new and is in love. My wife once said she is sad she does not have that kind of love and never will with me. Any way, my wife asked me if I wanted to go. She told me what the friend said about bringing me. At first I did not want to go because I never really liked the woman but I like the other people that will be there. Then I thought I would go to show our friends there is nothing wrong with our marriage. After thinking about it for a while I asked my wife if she wants me to come and she responds "I don't care, do what you want". She was not angry or adversarial when she responded, she just doesn't care. I decided I would go and told her so. After thinking about it all weekend I am having second thoughts because of her response. I want to say to her that I will go if she wants me to go and if she will not say that I will stay home. I like the people that will be there and will regret not going but feel my wife should want me there. My questions:
Should I try to make a point to her about "don't care" and not go or should I be happy she told me about the diner party and go?
She did not have to invite me, she could have said she was going alone. Was her mentioning it an invitation from her and the "don't care" just defensiveness?
I want to get it right for the long run and thought there may be a counter intuitive aspect to it I am missing. Your thoughts, opinions please.
You're overthinking it.
Go and have a great time with your friends.
Definitely DONT ask again if she wants you to go. She already said she doesn't care.
Agree w/ Az. And if she didn't want you, why did she ask? Asking her how she feels is pressuring & she will resist by doing what she did. To her it likely feels like you are feeling her out for how she's really feeling. That's not something she wants so she gets defensive.
When you go, focus on the other people. Don't hang around your W, and don't try to show people your M is OK. Just have fun with the people. That will show you handling things well and not put any pressure on W. She will be more likely to want to ask you again if you keep it as low pressure on her and not turn it into a performance for others or by focusing on her.
I agree with Asitis and Azzork. If these are people you enjoy, then by all means go and have a good time. In addition, to this,
1- You are still around and not going to just disappear because your W dropped the bomb.
2- You can hold your head up high, be friendly and positive, which will make people less likely to believe any crap your W might be saying about you.
3- If you avoid people right now, it might be awkward to run into them later. Just go, have fun, and if at a later point you decide not to socialize any more than it is on your terms.
Azzork, Your right, I am so worried about getting it right and not making a foolish error that I make my self crazy. Thanks!
asitis, You make good points about my wife feeling defensive. One of the goals I want to make for myself in regards to my wife is to have her relaxed and not feel defensive with me. I can and will do what you suggested with this group of friends next Friday. I love the idea of you last sentence. Thank you for posting.
photoka, Your thinking is sound. She bombed me but I'm not dead yet. I like point 2 because in the long run it may cause my wife to look inward and reflect. On the 3rd point that is exactly what happened to that friends husband causing him to disappear. Thank you for taking the time and advice.
I will never regret becoming a member of this forum. There is compassion and wisdom here.
I see now that all this work is about me, not her. Everything here is to help, improve, support myself. Then through me the people in my life.
Is this correct or need a tweek?
Correct. Those people in your life may include W later at some point but that's mostly up to her and mostly out of your control.
Mutatio,
This work is about you, that is the best thing you can do for you.
You described your R as being a play in four acts, you are now moving into act 5.
Your W may not see the R in the same way.
Let's see if I have this right
1. The loving phase
2. The abusive phase
3. The beat Mutatio up phase
4. The WW breakaway phase
You described these as clearly delineated in your description. I can't see it that way, phase 2 was when WW switched off, and stayed switched off, I think. MWD describes this clearly in her opening chapters of both DR and DB.
There are 4 layers of work to do each layer has its deficits and advantages. This is a wonderful opportunity to atone and rebuild.
So here is a very tough question, which of course you can choose not to answer.
How does WW see the acts in the play?
What did you do to take action after act 2?
What actions are you taking now? IC?
Mutatio these layers can be useful to you to start to rebuild yourself, to help you detach and to unravel your own feelings and involvement.
To build love for yourself, so you become confident in yourself. To become.
peace
V
Thanks for dropping in and posting Fogg. I think I have a good understanding of what I have to do. My problem is what I do in the "weak" moments.
Are you and your wife living under the same roof Fogg? I read so many threads including yours and I mix them up in my head.
Vanilla, thank you for posting. I have read many of your posts on other threads and wished I could have your advice in my situation and now I do.
I want to and will post more details of my marital history. I will explain the transitions between the chapters more fully.
I will post info later today. I would love your insights after reading it. Thank you again Vanilla, your thoughts carry great value to me.
Vanilla - So here is a very tough question, which of course you can choose not to answer.
How does WW see the acts in the play?
The transition between the loving phase and the abusive phase was because of 2 new factors in the equation. The first was my new job. I worked for her father. I wanted to work there, made good money but my skill's did not complement the job. I struggled and at best provided a "C" grade performance. I was very hard on myself during that time. I wanted to prove my worth to my wife and my FIL. It was a night job, getting up at midnight and working till noon. I grew to hate the job because of the hours and my poor performance. I brought my disappointment home and was mean, grumpy and a bully.
The second factor was the beginning of our family with my children being born. I began to feel trapped in the job and my wife was spending less time with me because of the children. I became unhappy with the lack of attention from my wife. I knew the children needed her so I bottled it up and became mean and a bully. I did not help her in the day to day maintenance of the children because I was exhausted, 4-5 hours sleep a night. She says she raised the kids like a single parent. There are many small incidents that switched my wife off. It was the death of a thousand cuts. I was a weekend binge drinker during this time. I would consume a case of beer a weekend.
I quit drinking at the beginning of the beat Mutatio up phase. I sensed my wife pulling away. She was in a EA/PA. The EA was going strong for 2 months when they met. It was heavy petting and they were planning to meet and go all the way when they got caught. I felt guilty because of my 16 years of bad behavior and she because of the affair. She says now she was done with the marriage then. We should have gone to couples therapy then but did not. We rebuilt our relationship on our own and it was great for 3 years and the last 4 drifted apart slowly. I became codependent after the scare of losing her.
During the WW breakaway phase I felt her emotionally absent and pushed to get her back and was trying when she determined she was done with the marriage and me.
What did you do to take action after act 2?
I quit drinking (sober 7 years) and quit my job working for her father. Jumped back into my old career. I tried to be a better father and was, she says I am a good father now. I stopped being mean and a bully. Not perfect but 99%. I began cooking dinner every day.
What actions are you taking now? IC?
I go to IC once a week. I just completed a cognitive therapy 12 session therapy, on anger management while going to IC. I have joined a Buddhist Meditation Center, going twice a week. I will begin Meditation teacher training this fall as part of my GAL. I am taking a adult ed class in the fall on a subject I have great interest in, also GAL.
Vanilla or anyone else, I would appreciate any insights or questions you have have, thank you for your support.
Yes, we still live under the same roof. Me moving out has been pushed further and further for various reasons, mostly because of finances/convenience by either one of us.
Time to start a new thread.
Can someone tell me how to start a new thread and can I rename it?
Can someone tell me how to start a new thread and can I rename it?
Go to the top of the forum
Click new topic and name it anything you want it to be.
Linking them will be nice but not required
No biggie, just go one level up from this thread. Click on For Newcomers, click new topic and you are set.
It was suggested that I post a link to my next thread here so that it would be easy to find.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2601644&page=1This thread is closed.