ok heres my story,
wife and i had a big fight,cause i found out she had been texting another man, she swears up and down its not like that. i know i am a person with major trust and jealousie issues. anyway after this huge fight she states she needs space and cant be around me so i leave. not 2.5 weeks goes by and we really dont have much contatct except about money or our 4 yr old child.we have been married 4.5 years together for 6. but she agreed to go to counciling which we did, she said she was there to work on our marriage or atleast try, then that night she was having doubts she said she was willing to try but wasa scared. im giving her space not really txting unless she needs money or about our child, she hasnt put any effort at all, im lost and dont know what to do, should i give up? i dont want to be without her but cant take this hurt, its up and down its killing me.why would she say she wants to try but wont im confused.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
first of all don't leave the marital home!!!!! Go back home!
i cant she wont let me do that.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
i cant she wont let me do that.
is the house in both of your names? You do realize that in some states in court it can be counted against you for being the one that left the marital home, if it were to come down to that. Read on it, google it.
yes it is, im already gone she packed all my stuff i picked it up, not much i can do about that now. i just dont know what to do at this point
DNTWNT
Sorry you are here .... have you read the books?
i cant she wont let me do that.
What do you mean she "won't let you"?
Sounds like you are choosing that this a battle not worth fighting.
im doing everything i can, what can i do just say im moving back in weather you like it or not? wouldnt that make the sitchuation worse?
im doing everything i can, what can i do just say im moving back in weather you like it or not? wouldnt that make the sitchuation worse?
The situation is already worse.
Sorry, have you spoken to a lawyer?
Are you getting to see you 4 year old or have you abandoned her too?
yes i still see her quite often and over nights
So how can you be the BEST DAD possible?
That is quite attractive.
i just want my family back, in counciling she said she wants to work on the marriage but it doesnt seem like its what she wants when she wont even talk with me. confused
But WHY did you move out? Because she asked you to?
She can't force you out. If she wants to go, let her leave! If that's not a fight you want to have, then so be it. But you aren't going to nice your way back.
As for now, what are your goals? What are you working on?
working on bettering myself, counciling/alot of reading and being a good dad of couse, just trying to better myself and work on my flaws
working on bettering myself
Come on. You can do better than that.
What are you actually DOING?
i am bettering my self and taking this as a life lesson
Post details of how you are bettering yourself.
I would really move back in the house the longer you wait the harder it may be, it can be used as YOU left which you did...
Set boundaries, she is talking to another man and kicks you out of YOUR house, go back home and tell her that you are not going anywhere that this is your house too, but don't do anything you will later regret.
i am bettering my self and taking this as a life lesson
Bettering yourself HOW?
Saying that you are better doesn't make you better.
Getting help with counciling and trying to figure myself out and how to lose my jealousy issues and trust issues with people. I just need to focus on myself and my little one at this point. She's made it obvious she wants nothing to do with me
Getting help with counciling and trying to figure myself out and how to lose my jealousy issues and trust issues with people.
I'm sorry. I'm really not trying to be obtuse. But you can't just wake up one day and say "I don't have jealousy anymore". So what are you DOING. What actions are you taking to instill change in yourself?
I just need to focus on myself and my little one at this point. She's made it obvious she wants nothing to do with me
Yep. But you have to be clear with what you are doing. Set goals. Check whether you're succeeding. You can't half ass it.
I'm meeting with my councilor, learning to first be able to trust my self, and have closure with my past, the root of my problem is from a rough past I've had and I've never had any closure with that stuff, I've Carried this for years. I'm doing what I can and gathering information and advice as I go. I want to better me as a person. Although I believe I am a good person.
I'm meeting with my councilor, learning to first be able to trust my self, and have closure with my past, the root of my problem is from a rough past I've had and I've never had any closure with that stuff, I've Carried this for years. I'm doing what I can and gathering information and advice as I go. I want to better me as a person. Although I believe I am a good person.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can spend a ton of time understanding WHY you are jealous or you can put your energy into not BEING jealous.
For example, if you stop checking W's phone records, emails, facebook. Stop worrying about her movements, where she is, who she's with. If you stop doing things that cause jealousy, you'll stop being jealous.
Of course, easier said than done.
Ya I see where you're coming from. I deleted my social media apps the day we separated and I am not trying to find out what she's doing. I know that will just make things worse. So I am not doing those things what so ever. So I think I've been pretty good with that so far
So she came to pick up d, she acts like she's happy, and asks me how my day was etc. I just say good, and of course she asks for money which I'm sure is why she's trying to be nice. Feeling annoyed
We'll talked to the the w today, totally went too many steps backwards. She wanted to talk about splitting all the bills etc. then I start to try and work things out again basically begging and pleading I am disappointed in myself I've been sticking to the detach but failed today I was doing good. Now at square one again. Feel like I'm chasing something that isn't there. She seems totally fine with all of this happy go lucky. I'm just confused. I don't wanna hurt anymore I wanna be with my girls again [censored]
Ok time to pick yourself up dust yourself off and go back to DB plan.
We all have had setbacks.
Learn from it and keep going forward.
You can do it.
Thanks guys. I gotta do this.
Really no updates, haven't talked much. She pretty much stated she hates me. So I'm just trying to go dark but still be there as much as possible for my D. I feel ok one minute and ripped apart the next. When I do see her she acts like nothing is going on and she's happy. I am beating myself up thinking and being told this is all my fault. This is hard. Hopefully there is light at the end of this tunnel
If you have not already done so read Sandi's posts about Wayward Wives. It is best for you to do this immediately. This can prevent you from putting yourself further back.
DNT,
While you certainly had a hand in it....it isn't all your fault. Are you still going to MC?
My advice would be to concentrate on understanding your issues. Think about the things that she complained about that she nagged about and work on those. Also, concentrate on things you always wanted to do but didnt, for whatever reason.
Be the best father and man you can be without her. It is hard. Space and time are what she needs. Don't go dark or ignore her, but don't initiate contact. It may take awhile to hear from her but when you do......be cordial and nice. Do not talk about R until she is ready to. And when she does, have no expectations.
She will say things that are hurtful and upsetting. Let it slide.
Read the homework that Cadet posted for you. It is gathered from years of experience from what works.
The man she knew is gone......You are a better man now who any woman would be a fool to leave. Hang in there buddy. We are all going through chit. You have our support but do the homework
Thank you. Definitely needed those comments through this time
Well having a rough day today, no contact maybe 1 short txt about d4. It's crazy how someone can completely make you feel like you world is over. I'm trying to stick to my guns on this. I guess a lot of me is confused. Mornings and nights are the worst for me. Supposed to go to MC tonight but I believe she is going to be a noshow, she hasn't mentioned it and the first session she didn't look to happy about it. Argh I just wanna get out of this funk
Well stbx w txt and said she needs the address I'm staying at, I'm sure this means the D paper work is on its way. What is wrong with this girl seriously giving up to easily. Idk kinda in shock and hurting once again this [censored]
She was asking a bunch of questions to as to what am I doing etc weird
Well stbx w txt and said she needs the address I'm staying at, I'm sure this means the D paper work is on its way. What is wrong with this girl seriously giving up to easily. Idk kinda in shock and hurting once again this [censored]
This is mindreading at best. You do not know why she wants your address. Maybe it is divorce papers....maybe its not.
Also, she was curious what you are up to. That at least shows that she is wondering. Keep up the mystery but don't be curt about it.
Good point. It's almost like she's poking me with a stick, now she's telling me my actions are showing no change. Which isn't true I haven't spoken with her in a few days.
To be honest,seems as if she was baiting me in for a argument. Which I responded nice and mellow. Which usually it would turn into a crazy argument
Any other advice. Got a late night txt that said I'm sorry. I did t reply since I was asleep. So many mixed emotions right now.
Stay the course ... she is temp checking you
It's hard but I am sticking to it. Thanks
Well game over, I have been served. I don't even know who she is anymore, how can she be this cruel. I'm in pieces
Keep your head up DNTWNT
just because you get served doesn't mean you'll get divorced. Just because you get divorced doesn't mean you won't remarry. All it changes is your tax status.
This is rough. Really rough.
DNT - I feel for you bud. My only advice is to not do anything now that you'll regret for the rest of your life. Cry into a quart of ice cream if you must. But don't do anything dumb.
New thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592712#Post2592712