Hello, im starting this new thread since the old one had some personal info.
Been married 14yrs, have 2 kids, married civilly not through church, ILYBINILWY July 2014, D bomb 2014, moved out 05/15, at the time said we had nothing in common, I always angry, never appreciated her, says we got married because she got pregnant, says we are not "really" married cause its not through church, I drink too much.
Within the past year, I went to counseling, anger management, took several classes, stopped drinking, joined a gym. I tried asking her about counseling before and she didn't see it going anywhere since we went before and didn't do much for us.
Fast forward, she has her own place, I kept the house, she says she is more at peace, calmer. Sees some of my changes, doesn't ask personal questions or interested in my life, doesn't like me asking personal says we are not together and doesn't have to tell me anything, I'm still in contact with kids exchanges. She goes out Saturday nights, something she never did in 14years, she has friends she sees and talks to also something she never had or did, shes very secretive and guarded.
Me, I need to learn to detach; took her out to dinner this week for her bday, she kept checking out dudes in front of me, shes always had wondering eyes, I didn't say anything but its very uncomfortable, I feel like a "friend" and I don't want to be her friend I want to be her husband, we are separated, not legally, hasn't filed for D, I pray everyday, I'm GAL.
She moved out beginning of summer so the kids are happy to have 2 places, hasn't hit them yet, waiting until they go back to school then it will hit everyone of us.
She's drowning herself in debt, which is soon going to affect me soon since I'm on her CC its an individual but added me.
She's looking for a better job since the one she is in is far from where she lives and is unhappy since she begin working there. I think she is going through depression but I cant tell her that.
I'm hurting inside each and every day, some more than others but everyday I hurt so I try and stay busy, hurts to not know what she is doing, whom she is talking to, etc.
She has distanced her self so much in the past few months, stopped communication, texts, good mornings, good nights, etc.
First things first... you need to protect yourself and your finances, legally seperate as for every dollr she spends on her new life doing whatever it is she is doing you are paying half ... in a sense you are actually financing her new lifestyle as you sit on your couch.
My W and I agreed on a separation date during Mediation .. this could have potentially saved my A$$ as unfortunately for her she cleaned out our accounts before this agreed upon date, (Legally would have had to pay back that portion) and then she racked up about 35k in debt (Again ... debt I was not obligated to pay)
This did play a small factor in the turnaround for my sitch .... moving forward as far as I am concerned our finances will continue to be separated OR I will be the one controlling them (180 for me here) regardless.... I will have a much better handle on where we are and where we are headed. Lesson learned the hard way.
Our finances are already separated, the Credit card is under her name and I was added a while back, I gave her back the CC when we separated but it still shows on my credit report.
I want to work things out and have talked to her about having better communication but she just doesn't want to talk, text, etc. its almost like I don't know who she is.
I feel so weak right now, Im going through the text messages from only 2 months ago and its like night and day, the really nice messages, good morning, good night, asking about me, etc. and now nothing.. almost like Ive been replaced, we've been together for such a long time, its VERY hard on me right now. Even my kids are different....
Our finances are already separated, the Credit card is under her name and I was added a while back, I gave her back the CC when we separated but it still shows on my credit report.
I want to work things out and have talked to her about having better communication but she just doesn't want to talk, text, etc. its almost like I don't know who she is.
Until you have a legal separation document ... no they are not ...hence why it shows on your credit report, Your W's spending will take you down along with her.
I would close that CC with a quickness, get a legal Sep Doc in place to protect yourself.
She is the only one that can close that CC since its under her name.. I was just given a Duplicate card with my name.
I don't want to do a legal separation, I am trying to get my M back on track... but she doesn't.
Also, Ive been asking her to join me to do things with me like going to church, walking, taking classes etc, but she always said maybe some other day, etc, now her friend is in a similar class and she mentioned she wants to join a class with me but I don't think that's a good idea? is it?
Also, Ive been asking her to join me to do things with me like going to church, walking, taking classes etc, but she always said maybe some other day, etc, now her friend is in a similar class and she mentioned she wants to join a class with me but I don't think that's a good idea? is it?
I had just started to read up on your sitch a bit ... ... Why are you pursuing here?
As far as the 'friend' .... what good would come out of that?
I figure we could bond build friendship, earn respect, than work on our R?
If I am wrong and should back away, how do I tell her I've changed my mind about doing things together?
For future reference at the bottom of each post is a button that says notify.
You can privately communicate with the moderator that way, the moderator has no way to communicate back with you.
Cali is giving you some solid advice. If you dont have a lawyer please get one. I understand that you dont want a legal separation as you think it will hurt your chances for reconciling.
My ex of 26 years tried burrying me financially. They change to someone you never knew they could be. She spent all of her money and time on the Equine world.
Fortunately she is very secretive about her money and we always had separate finances. Her wishes.
Dont ask her to do anything. If you planned already to do things you can say that something came up and you will not make it.
Stop asking to do anything.
Got it, stop asking to do anything!
weird thing happened yesterday, I received an unexpected call late at night, I asked if everything was alright and she said yeah, she really just called to talk to me or check up on me, I guess either way is good.
I would definitely stop pursuing at this time. It will just add more pressure on her. This was a hard thing for me to stop doing with my H but it really did make a difference. It gave me time to clear my head and he did start reaching out to me. Don't reply back right away and don't answer every call for a little while. Take this gift of time to breathe and concentrate on yourself. It is very HARD but you can do it and you will feel so much better. Good luck!
Got it, stop asking to do anything!
weird thing happened yesterday, I received an unexpected call late at night, I asked if everything was alright and she said yeah, she really just called to talk to me or check up on me, I guess either way is good.
Its not actually a 'good' thing .... she is temp checking you here. Mine was the queen of this and took me MONTHS to figure this out and take it for what it was .... the WAS wants you to be right where they left you as they go on about their new life .. when they start thinking about things they will temp check you to make sure you are still option #2 (I know it stings but this is typically what happens)
I received this advice, you can be kind but do not be to available for her, do not pursue ... if she still feels you are sitting on the porch waiting for her to come home there are no consequences for her actions and she will not change nor stop them. This is where the term Lovingly Detach comes into play ... you need to GAL and go on about your life for now as if she passed away. When there is contact .. PMA up and make sure you ALWAYS end the conversation as if you can not wait to get on about your day as its the most exciting thing going.
^^^ Caliguy!
WOW makes total sense, I have been hanging up first for a while now, but I do answer the phone since we have children together and I worry somethings wrong. I find her use of "words" is very odd, almost like a teenager. Maybe shes talking to other people and its rubbing off on her, idk.
Hi, I saw you waving on another thread.
I will need to read your story, but wanted you to know I saw you and I will get back.
Hi, I saw you waving on another thread.
I will need to read your story, but wanted you to know I saw you and I will get back.
Thank you Sandi2!
Update, she dropped off the kids early since she is going on a business trip and wont be back until Monday. got a text hoping I have a good day... this is so fing confusing. its like no texts for days then hope you have a good day.. like wth...
Oh well, I will be with my kids and watch movies, play board games, and take em out to eat!
Have you read Divorce Remedy? Have you read Cadet's homework assignments?
DR yes and Yes.
Well since Friday no texts, no calls, no contact... was out busy with my kids, movies, parents house, going out to eat, took them both jogging, it was a nice weekend.
Although I couldn't get her out of my mind, I get mentally drained sometimes just thinking why... but kept PMA
We'll see how today goes!
I have been at this a whole year this week, things have gone from good to bad very slowly yet fast, its been a whole year since BD...
Within that year, I have done many things I would not think possible!
So far no word or text from WW, oh well, life goes on =)
I have been at this a whole year this week, things have gone from good to bad very slowly yet fast, its been a whole year since BD...
Within that year, I have done many things I would not think possible!
So far no word or text from WW, oh well, life goes on =)
Like you I found this forum about a year after BD ... 9 months after W left. So I started learning, more importantly changing, these changes were small and subtle at first but over time. By the time I came here W was totally in love with OM and ready to start her new life once she got rid of that pesky H she never loved. Small changes would happen, I can say that after I DB'd effectively (not 100% but ... mayb 70-80%) I seen her 'on the ropes' and confused off and on. The A ran its course .. still took some time but she finally decided the changes in me were worth the risk for her to drop the D. Still was 4 months after that till I seen her actually trying to change and in a way she is currently DBing me.
Do not put timelines on things ... do the work .. not for her. For you.
Hey Caliguy, I know what you mean, I have no idea how far along I am or not, it doesn't really matter I guess, all I know is that we are both Dbing each other as far as detaching, short responses, no R talks, hugs like neighbors, etc.
Kinda pathetic but it is what it is.
I will keep PMAing and GALing as hard as it is since they are always on our minds, we have to.
I have been at this a whole year this week, things have gone from good to bad very slowly yet fast, its been a whole year since BD...
Within that year, I have done many things I would not think possible!
You can encourage others who may think this is a short run. Remember, she has to work her stuff out, which may take another year. In the meantime, your continue to do things you once thought impossible.
You can encourage others who may think this is a short run. Remember, she has to work her stuff out, which may take another year. In the meantime, your continue to do things you once thought impossible.
Yes, thank you Sandi2, this definitely takes time, patience, prayer, and determination to be the best YOU can be!
Baby steps will get you there. There will be bumps, then more bumps along the way but focus, gain control and keep going, and whatever you do don't look back, the past is just that!
Its not easy but it is do-able.
NO contact in several days.
Going out to check out a new gym today, excited!
Good morning everyone, feeling uncertain today for some reason, sometimes I feel GREAT then I just get this feeling of uncertainty.
Oh well, goals for today is;
Not ask the kids if she has called them or not
workout and take a nice walk
Read 1 chapter of my book!
Im starting this thread since I know a lot of us would like to send a message or email, etc. to our WW, so feel free to share the message you would like to send BUT WILL NOT!!
Dear WW, I can’t believe you decided to leave and break up our family the way you did and lose all contact with me, we miss you so much, you have no idea what this has done to us all, we continue to pray for you to find god and to lead you back to us, but until then, I must do what is necessary for me and my kids to be safe and happy, whenever you are willing to talk, I am here for you.
Aghhh Im glad I got that out of my chest! =)
Dear H,
WTH are you thinking? You may have your mom fooled into believing that you did not cheat and are not cheating but nobody else is fooled! You think once your kids find out about what you're doing they will be ok? You think that they will be "upset" for a bit but then get over it? Give your head a shake!! Your selfish actions are affecting me, your kids, our families, and our friends. You think other people we have known were idiots for cheating but you are not?
I hope one day you will come to realise that I was not the source of your unhappiness. That I cannot fulfill you emotionally. You need to find what is missing within yourself and nobody else can do that for you. I hope you and your mother will be very happy together
W -
I can't believe you're choosing to leave. Guess that makes you a fool.
-Azz
Dear W,
I loved you more than words are able to say, all the thigns I did (the laundry the shopping, the getting you food when you craved things, the cleaning, takign care of the kids while you have been sick has all been done out of LOVE. I'm sorry I didn't show you love in the way you wanted me too but all the thigns I did do were done out of LOVE not out of friendship. I'm so sorry that I didn't fulfuill your needs but I know you made the choice to go over the boundaries of our marriage with him and I know you know it was wrong to lie abotu a trip and run to see him 7 hours away. AND I know that guilt of our son breaking his arm while you were out on your little trip is killing you inside but you can't talk about it to ANYONE except the A guy. I know that you made the choice not to come home right away to be there for his surgery.
Love you H.
So today is my 1 year anniversary of that dreadful day when my wife, mother of my 2 beautiful kids made that statement.
I asked to re-evaluate and I just kept messing up so she stopped living in our home in March 2015.
She got her own apartment in May 2015, things just kept deteriating little by little, now there is no contact through texts, or phone nor emails, unless I initiate but its short and pointless?
The only contact we have is either at the gym or through kids exchange once a week. Noticed she always has her phone protected. Also recently started going out on the weekends and after work.
I hardly get any sleep, I have been doing GAL so Im very busy but think about her ALOT, hard to detach from 15years.
I pray more than ever, I've gotten closer to GOD.
I am not giving up, I am not throwing in the towel, I will carry my family on my shoulders because I have faith in our savior our lord Jesus Christ.
Please pray say a prayer for us, thank you guys!
I don't know what I would do without this forum!
I see so many parallels to my current situation. I feel for you and will pray for her heart to turn back toward you. i am very interested in hearing more about the background and how you ended up here. Like I said, I believe we have some stuff in common... To me, I have wondered if this is how God wakes men up in order to remind them that the path to true happiness can only happen through His son. Work, money, material items do not mean anything.. Only obeying God..if a married couple both bind themselves to that idea that marriage will prosper..
Please let me know how I can help
Thank you Glove, I will be praying for you too!
My wife and I have always had our ups and downs, last year she started going to the gym and I noticed a big change in her demeanor, she told me she gets hit on by men all the time, she stopped wearing her wedding ring, cause it didn't fit her, I would find it in the car, etc. I suspect EA, but I don't know what to think anymore. A huge hole in my heart for sure.
Yes obeying GOD is the way, Ive asked her to go to church with me and say its too far or too early, etc. But will travel over 10miles to go to 1 specific gym... go figure.
So what have you tried? I bombarded her cards, notes, gifts... Tried to reason, convince, plead too. Thought I was very convincing, but now realize I probably pushed her too far away to get back.
If she ever does take you up on that offer for church that would be a big turn in your favor. What has been the best piece of advice that you have received here?
I am sorry, will pray for you tonight.
I will add you to my prayer list.
You are not alone. I am glad you are GALing. It really helps.
God Bless
Well she dropped off the kids Friday as usual, we sat down talked for a little bit, I then asked her how she was doing she started to sob, she said she misses the kids when theyre not with her and that its really hard at work having to work OT to try and drop the kids off at school etc.
I gave her a hug and told her she is a strong woman, I advised her to go to church as it is helping me out a lot, she then told me " you act as if I'm doing something bad or that I did this myself", I didn't respond although I wanted to say "this was your choice!!!" I didn't say anything, wonder if I should have.
Anyhow, my question is I think she is going to try and have the kids walk to my house after school since their school is really close and her new apartment is 10 miles away. Should I oblige if she were to ask, that means she would pick them up from my house every day, I would see her everyday...
I then asked her how she was doing she started to sob, she said she misses the kids when theyre not with her and that its really hard at work having to work OT to try and drop the kids off at school etc.
What a perfect opportunity to validate her feelings!! She opened up to you, that's pretty huge.
I gave her a hug and told her she is a strong woman,
Good start but...
I advised her to go to church as it is helping me out a lot
UGH!!! DON'T TRY TO FIX HER PROBLEMS!!!! We guys, it is so darned hard to break out of fix-it mode. But you've got to if you want her to keep opening up her feelings to you. NO ADVICE. Validate her feelings, nothing more. Don't explain/ reason/ negotiate/ agree/ disagree/ fix/ give advice.
she then told me " you act as if I'm doing something bad or that I did this myself"
Predictable reaction to your comment.
I didn't respond although I wanted to say "this was your choice!!!" I didn't say anything, wonder if I should have.
Well thank goodness you didn't say that! Because as far as she is concerned, it's YOUR fault and she did NOT have a choice, she was FORCED into it because of how you treated her. Right or wrong, that's how she feels, and right now this is all about her feelings, not yours. Try to remember how she's feeling and respect that. I know, you're saying "what about me??" That's why you come here, WE sympathize with you because you're not going to get that from her
Anyhow, my question is I think she is going to try and have the kids walk to my house after school since their school is really close and her new apartment is 10 miles away. Should I oblige if she were to ask, that means she would pick them up from my house every day, I would see her everyday...
Absolutely. Kids are number one, whatever you can do to have more time with them and to lessen the impact on them the better. I did the exact same thing with my younger two kids- they came to my house after school every day even on the weeks my W had them so that they could ride the bus. Plus I leave work earlier than she does, so it gave them more supervised time than if they went straight to her house. My middle daughter is starting college next year, but 3 years post separation and we're still following this same routine with S12.
ILYNOT
I am having a hard time following your sitch with the new threads .... so with that in mind I will try to offer my advice.
Well she dropped off the kids Friday as usual, we sat down talked for a little bit, I then asked her how she was doing she started to sob, she said she misses the kids when theyre not with her and that its really hard at work having to work OT to try and drop the kids off at school etc.
I gave her a hug and told her she is a strong woman, I advised her to go to church as it is helping me out a lot, she then told me " you act as if I'm doing something bad or that I did this myself", I didn't respond although I wanted to say "this was your choice!!!" I didn't say anything, wonder if I should have.
Again ... no idea if OM is involved or what is going on .. but I would have not givein the hug ... W is starting to 'feel' the consequences of her actions ... allow her to do this, rather than hugging, you could simply validate here.
The part about going to church .. yeah .. DO NOT DO THAT... it comes off as you are Holier than Thou kind of vibe plus you are trying to fix her ... she needs to figure this out on her own ... again .. validate-rinse-repeat. She FIRED you remember?
Anyhow, my question is I think(Mind reading) she is going to try and have the kids walk to my house after school since their school is really close and her new apartment is 10 miles away. Should I oblige if she were to ask, that means she would pick them up from my house every day, I would see her everyday...
[color:#3366FF][/color]
Depends ... is this obligation for you, or the kids .. who would it benefit here? Does it allow your W more cake eating and no consequences for the situation she has put the family in? Or would this simply be better for the kids to spend more time with you and allow your W to go through what she needs to go through?
I seen my W everyday dues to the arrangement we had exchanging S, did not speed up the process I can assure you .... she can not miss you if you are always there right? Now you can do the quick exchanges as I learned to do because I had GAL stuff going on ... but you have to hit a certain level of detachment for that to happen.
Thank you AnotheStander and Caliguy, As caliguy said, I feel if I were to keep my kids daily she will just be cake eating and she wont see the consequences to her actions of "me not being there".
I get the part of me telling her about going to church, I will stop doing that, youre absolutely right!
Do you really want to see her every school day? Do you think this will be good for you? Will you be able to detach & GAL w/ that? Will this make you attractive to her? What do you hope to accomplish by agreeing to this?
Those are some of the questions I think you need to ask yourself and come up with answers to. We can give another DB perspective from someone who isn't in the middle of your sitch, but there are questions only you can figure out the answers to. Of course, talk them out with us if you want.
And, I agree on the giving advice, but you got that & that is of course giving you advice not to give advice, and that seems ... perverse
I'm not sure the hug was a bad or good thing. I wouldn't sweat it.
Do you really want to see her every school day?
No I don't really, why? because she fired me as her husband therefore I should not be available to her when she needs me.
Do you think this will be good for you?
NO, would make me feel like a doormat, being used at her will.
Will you be able to detach & GAL w/ that?
No, not if I see her everyday, she is super hot and I miss her a lot and that will only make things worst for me.
Will this make you attractive to her?
No because I will probably just be there like a dog wagging his tail in front of her.
What do you hope to accomplish by agreeing to this?
Nothing. The hard part is how to tell her NO when it involves my kids.
So what have you tried? I bombarded her cards, notes, gifts... Tried to reason, convince, plead too. Thought I was very convincing, but now realize I probably pushed her too far away to get back.
If she ever does take you up on that offer for church that would be a big turn in your favor. What has been the best piece of advice that you have received here?
There are many, but these are the best 3 GAL, 180s, and stop pleading/begging.
I will add you to my prayer list.
You are not alone. I am glad you are GALing. It really helps.
God Bless
Thank you HeavyD!
I am sorry, will pray for you tonight.
Thank you Photoka, hope your doing good today, Ive been following your sitch since you came aboard.
Please stick to one thread until 100 posts.
All your threads are now merged to one.
Thank you Cadet!
I couldn't sleep at all last night, just kept thinking about her. No contact in several days. It seems as it gets easier then boom, the pain all over again, uncertainty, financial stress, loneliness.
I listen to Christian radio on my way to work which helps a lot!
Also, I order the Joel Osteen inspirational messages which are awesome btw!
Been attending a church counseling group on Sunday evenings, really nice group! GAL!
Feeling angry for some reason, might have to do with not getting enough sleep last night, wish I could send her a text but I know I shouldn't and wont..
Gonna do something different today with the kids when I get off work.
Update, Need Vets help here.
She called me yesterday out of the blue I asked if everything was alright she said yeah everything is fine, we small chatted for a few minutes and then she asked me if I wanted to go watch a certain movie with her, I said yeah, not excited or anything just like "sure", I asked her what time she said "well I didn't know whether you would say yes or no so I hadn't planned it, she said she wants to go see this movie but she didn't want to go see it by herself.
My question is I already said yes but is she doing it for herself? for me? for us? Am I just a friend? Should I even go?
Sorry so many questions..
She also insinuated she is getting help or doing some kind of counseling she said I just don't feel like sharing with you. I didn't ask anything. Progress? or not?
My question is I already said yes but is she doing it for herself? for me? for us? Am I just a friend? Should I even go?
Sorry so many questions..
She also insinuated she is getting help or doing some kind of counseling she said I just don't feel like sharing with you. I didn't ask anything. Progress? or not?
It does not matter WHY she is doing it ... all you are doing here is living in her head wondering why the coasters are upside down on the table.
You only go if YOU want and you are honest with yourself that you can do so with NO EXPECTATIONS. If you are expecting a "Wow great movie lets be married again" I would refrain from going .... if you can go and act like the HS star QB and you are just having a good time regardless of who is sitting next to you ... then go.
Insinuations ... just that ... do not look into anything till she comes right out and tells you she is seeing an IC, then reply CAREFULLY with validation .... my W shared she was seeing a new IC and I told her "That's Great" only to be slammed with a "I know you think I am all F#6$'d in the head" ... her not feeling like she 'wants to share' is her not trusting you ... so you need to be carefree PMA and approachable
Such a tough situation. It feels like a temp check. I would not be surprised if she backed out. I would not recommend bringing it back up. Let her do the foot work and get back to you. You may even reply back that u had something else come up and can't make it.
If she is really interested she will try something else.
My question is I already said yes but is she doing it for herself? for me? for us? Am I just a friend? Should I even go?
Sorry so many questions..
She also insinuated she is getting help or doing some kind of counseling she said I just don't feel like sharing with you. I didn't ask anything. Progress? or not?
It does not matter WHY she is doing it ... all you are doing here is living in her head wondering why the coasters are upside down on the table.
You only go if YOU want and you are honest with yourself that you can do so with NO EXPECTATIONS. If you are expecting a "Wow great movie lets be married again" I would refrain from going .... if you can go and act like the HS star QB and you are just having a good time regardless of who is sitting next to you ... then go.
Insinuations ... just that ... do not look into anything till she comes right out and tells you she is seeing an IC, then reply CAREFULLY with validation .... my W shared she was seeing a new IC and I told her "That's Great" only to be slammed with a "I know you think I am all F#6$'d in the head" ... her not feeling like she 'wants to share' is her not trusting you ... so you need to be carefree PMA and approachable
Thank you Caliguy, makes sense. I really want to go, just have this feeling of being used for some reason, but yes PMA act like the HS QB!
Yeah really disappointed she uses those words, that she doesn't have to share anything with me, OUCH... She also said if you want to share anything with me ot up to you but Im not forcing you to, then she asked what did you guys talk about at my counseling... wow..
Such a tough situation. It feels like a temp check. I would not be surprised if she backed out. I would not recommend bringing it back up. Let her do the foot work and get back to you. You may even reply back that u had something else come up and can't make it.
If she is really interested she will try something else.
That's exactly what I was thinking, TEMP CHECK! Yes im not going to do anything besides sit back and if she has a time and a place fine, Ill go but I am not paying for her. I really don't know what she is thinking to be honest, she is in deep CC debt.
just make sure that you don't bring it up again. let her drive the train. if y'all do go, i would even make a game of it. see if she opens your door for you and then make a joke about it if she doesn't. something like "you invite me to a movie and won't get the door for me? what kind of gentleman are you?" and then smile and laugh. make fun of yourself in front of her. she will a) laugh and b)it'll head her off if she wanted to. just some suggestions. if you do go DO NOT ask if/when y'all will do it again. just say hey thanks for the movie. hope you had a good time & then turn and leave. no lingering hoping for a hug or kiss. just a man on the go. good luck.
Update, Need Vets help here.
She called me yesterday she asked me if I wanted to go watch a certain movie with her, I said yeah, not excited or anything just like "sure", I asked her what time she said "well I didn't know whether you would say yes or no so I hadn't planned it, she said she wants to go see this movie but she didn't want to go see it by herself.
My question is I already said yes but is she doing it for herself? probably temp checking..
for me? I seriously doubt it...
for us? I also seriously doubt it..
Am I just a friend? temp. checking maybe.
Should I even go? yes to be friendly and act AS if, Im with a hot chick at the movies, like a date but no expectations.
She also insinuated she is getting help or doing some kind of counseling she said I just don't feel like sharing with you. I didn't ask anything.
Progress? yes on her part, wether we make it or not, she needs help, we all do to be honest.
or not? yes/maybe?
just make sure that you don't bring it up again. let her drive the train. if y'all do go, i would even make a game of it. see if she opens your door for you and then make a joke about it if she doesn't. something like "you invite me to a movie and won't get the door for me? what kind of gentleman are you?" and then smile and laugh. make fun of yourself in front of her. she will a) laugh and b)it'll head her off if she wanted to. just some suggestions. if you do go DO NOT ask if/when y'all will do it again. just say hey thanks for the movie. hope you had a good time & then turn and leave. no lingering hoping for a hug or kiss. just a man on the go. good luck.
THANK YOU! this is gold!
I'm certainly no vet, but I think the big question you should be asking yourself is whether you want to join her or not.
All the rest is going to be mere speculation. (I know because I am guilty of it often!)
Good luck in whatever you decide there. I would say just make sure you have a good time. With or without her.
Update, Need Vets help here.
She called me yesterday she asked me if I wanted to go watch a certain movie with her, I said yeah, not excited or anything just like "sure", I asked her what time she said "well I didn't know whether you would say yes or no so I hadn't planned it, she said she wants to go see this movie but she didn't want to go see it by herself.
My question is I already said yes but is she doing it for herself? probably temp checking..
for me? I seriously doubt it...
for us? I also seriously doubt it..
Am I just a friend? temp. checking maybe.
Should I even go? yes to be friendly and act AS if, Im with a hot chick at the movies, like a date but no expectations. After the movie you say thanks that was fun I enjoyed it and "act as if" you are late to put out a fire in your house or something .... remember YOU end the conversations.
She also insinuated she is getting help or doing some kind of counseling she said I just don't feel like sharing with you. I didn't ask anything.
Progress? yes on her part, wether we make it or not, she needs help, we all do to be honest.
or not? yes/maybe?
Might be a good oppurtunity to flip this .... look up the times that work for you and just TM her in advance "Hey I am going to the 5:30 show at XXX to watch MovieXYZ if you want to check it out with me" End of message ... she meets you there, or you just GAL'd and went to see a movie solo... no expectations either way.
This does not strike me as a temp check, I do not think she asked to see if you would reject her, nor pounce on the offer ... its just mindreading trying to figure out her intentions if there were in fact any at all .... people like movies .. that simple.
Progress? Again .. stay out of her head ... if you try to analyze this small of a step you are setting yourself up, 10 small steps are just that .. small steps ... you have more work to do on yourself and should be spending this analytical energy inward vs guessing what she is all about .... more efficient use of your time and more in your control right?
Yes I'm mind reading here... I should really be acting "as if".
Im not gonna make any plans, if she calls me fine if not then I will just do whatever I have to do that day and not let it get to me either way.
Thank you!
Update:
Received a good morning email, first good morning email in around 4 months, it was regarding the movie times, I agreed to the times made a joke, etc. nothing to brag about.
We'll see how the evening goes.
Had a dream about her last night where we were having happy times with her family like we always did, we were all happy but I felt something odd, like something wasn't right.
Anyhow, I just had to share that. I keep running in to her and we chat for a bit usually, I always look happy and jolly, I guess cause I get to see her!
I totally get that. Funny how you take someone for granted seeing them every day for years. Then it's gone, and just the thought of seeing that person is exciting. I've also had the strange dreams. Had one the other night where my W and I were at my mother's house and I noticed her wander off and start talking to a group of strange guys. Next think I know, she's disappeared and I run all over looking for her. Finally woke up, and felt depressed. It's all part of the grieving process.
So she invited me to the movies Friday, we went, she looked AMAZING! She went ahead of me in line and she paid for the tickets, so I bought the Popcorn and drink, we sat next to each other and we kept rubbing arms together and smiling and whispering in each others ears, wow, amazing feeling, like dating! Well at least I felt that!
Went back home she picked up the kids and left..
Saturday they stopped by the house to pick something up my son had forgotten before they went out to a party at her friends place, I just told them to have fun.
Sunday no contact
Monday she called me and we talked for about an hour!!! most we have talked in YEARS!
I feel great!
Hi ILYNOT,
Just wanted to stop by and give you my support.
This sounds like great news my friend. I hope it continues to go well. You are doing great!
Thank you for stopping by EMMess, I sometimes have to reply to myself but either way it helps journaling!
It sounds like a wonderful moment. At this point in your journey does it seem surreal to you?
So she invited me to the movies Friday, we went, she looked AMAZING! She went ahead of me in line and she paid for the tickets, so I bought the Popcorn and drink, we sat next to each other and we kept rubbing arms together and smiling and whispering in each others ears, wow, amazing feeling, like dating! Well at least I felt that!
Went back home she picked up the kids and left..
Saturday they stopped by the house to pick something up my son had forgotten before they went out to a party at her friends place, I just told them to have fun.
Sunday no contact
Monday she called me and we talked for about an hour!!! most we have talked in YEARS!
I feel great!
Sounds good ILYNOT - now, how to keep those expectations at 0?
It sounds like a wonderful moment. At this point in your journey does it seem surreal to you?
It is still very confusing. The other day she asked me if she could join a group of mine and I ignored it as that's a group I joined when I was going through depression through the midst of separation and have met quite a few friends and became a different person, I would hate to lose that..
Today we are scheduled to have a "TALK" please say a prayer for me!
Sounds good ILYNOT - now, how to keep those expectations at 0?
I know, its hard. I'm tired, confused.
ILYNOT,
Good luck my friend!!
as Azzork stated, try to go in there with no expectations. Wishing nothing but the best for you.
Thank you, any suggestions as far as saying YES or NO to her joining my group?
I don't really want her there as this is my escape, my happy place. But I don't want to be rude or mean.
What kind of a group is it?
In terms of the talk. Be sure you LISTEN and VALIDATE what she says. You don't have to agree with WHAT she says, but you have to agree that she has a RIGHT to think the way she does.
It is a health group
And yes thank you for that!
Hey MrBond, well we sat down small chatted then she just came out and started telling me about how she feels, she said made the right decision to leave as everything is going great.
She mentioned I have changed a lot too much that she sees she wouldn't be with me because now Im too good when before I was too bad but Im not in the middle. WTF!!!
She doesn't want counseling or any of that as her mind is set. She cant let go of the verbally abusive negative past.
She says she loves me but isn't in love with me, says there is no romantic feelings and such.
I listened, validated, agreed, disagreed without argument, smiled, I smelled and looked good for the meet.
When we left, she hugged me, I cried, she cried, she hugged me, complimented me on smelling good. I left, got home, she called, we talked, cried, joked, said goodnight.
I guess everything went good, I didn't let her get to me nor did I get to her.
Keep moving forward with MY LIFE without expectations from her.
Slept great, but woke up sad this morning, opened up old wounds I guess. I know today will be a great day!
Thank you guys!
I also mentioned to her I didn't feel comfortable her joining my group since that is my place of comfort that I found when I was going through deep depression from our separation.
I really don't understand why she wants to be a part of my life but wants a divorce..
ILYNOT -
You what's easy for a WAS? --- Saying "I want to get a divorce".
You know what else is easy for a WAS? --- Getting divorced.
You know whats
NOT easy for a WAS? ---
BEING divorced.
A couple months back, my WW unfriended me on facebook. But two weeks later started spewing at me for something I had written there in the interim (totally unrelated to anything with our situation). So - she took me off of her friends list, but is still reading everything I put there.
Funny Azzork, very confusing.. I hate to say this but for some reason it made me feel good, is that normal?
But I mean do I really want the mother of my kids, the woman I want back to struggle?
^^ X2
I found in my sitch W wanted all the cake .. not only her slice but mine too. You will see movement/reactions when these things do not come into play just as they plotted out in their WAS heads.
I have a bag full of these types of reactions ... W went out with OM on a weekend get-away, the following weekend I went out with a group of friends for dinner and drinks ... ofcourse you can not control who puts what on FB ... My phone blew up that night and the next morning about 'never taking W on a 'date' .... I never replied and the next day she called ... spewed ... and received a "Seriously?" along with a click from me.
PigPen posted a nice little phrase that really hit me today ... falls in line with this
"No one has the same reality! Everything that is real to you could be completely different to someone else." I think the WAS really falls under this line of thought most of the time ... might help the LBS process a bit of the crazy we have been handed.
I really don't understand why she wants to be a part of my life but wants a divorce..
My wife kept saying she still wanted to be friends too.
^^^ Crazy LOL!!!!
Well played, not letting that bother you one bit.
What I find funny, strange and confusing is that she wouldn't be able to have me in her life since;
Now I am TOO GOOD when before I was TOO BAD but I'm not in the MIDDLE..
I went from a angry, verbally abusive, alcoholic
to no drinking, going to church, fitness holic
Almost like there is no good reason that is good enough for her to ever want to be with me. OUCH.
Hi ILYNOT,
You did great in the talk my friend. It is funny that was the way it turned out. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I guess....
It is a good thing that you are making these changes for you and not for her. Keep on moving forward my friend, continue to work on yourself, be the MAN that you SEE in the future. Will be rooting for you.
Keep up the fight.
Thanks EMMess, yes damned if you do damned if you don't, who understands WAS....
Having that talk yesterday took a toll me on last night and most of today.
I've been feeling sad all day, I cant shake it off, almost like the hope I had of getting back together is completely gone and this time I feel it gone, like the only thing I can do now is NOTHING.
Drifting away alone, but I know GOD has a plan for me that far exceeds this, so yes I will pick myself up and dust it off.
Hey ILYNOT -
What's actually changed between yesterday and today?
Just reminiscing of the good times and also the bad.
Hearing those words all over again really got to me. ILYBIMILWY.
That's all, Im better now, future looks promising, re-winded our convo and I created boundaries and got some good feedback about me from STBX.
So I will keep GAL!
You did well. The fact that she noticed alot of the changes is a great thing. We've all received a version of that speech in one way or another so just take it one day at a time.
You did well. The fact that she noticed alot of the changes is a great thing. We've all received a version of that speech in one way or another so just take it one day at a time.
Thank you Mr.Bond! I appreciate you stopping by! yes I thought that was good, but not good enough for her, oh well her loss!
Keep moving forward.
"One day at a time!" I actually have that quote written on my desk calendar at work.
Sometimes I wonder when its time to REALLY move on and start a new relationship.
After being rejected time after time and them telling you that they will NEVER go back to you yet they haven't legally filed.
Its almost like you've let go of the rope but THEY have you tied with another..
One day at a time ILYNOT, just like you said.
Moving on and starting a relationship sounds disastrous when there's someone in your life you have so much unfinished business with. If you still feel like there's a rope around you usually that means you're holding on to it a little bit.
Concentrate on moving forward, and I'd shelve the idea of a new relationship until this one is not only done, but you've recovered from it.
PP
Thank you PigPen, what I meant is that WAS hasn't filed so Im still spiritually/legally tied to her.
But I get it, I just wonder sometimes.
She mentioned the other day during our meet, that I will make some other woman very happy because of who I am now, since she wont know anything about how I was. She cried to that statement.
Just some Journaling, Sunday she called me out of nowhere, to just talk, I talked to her for a good 20-30mins, about nothing in general just kids, what I was up to the weekend, etc.
I have my kids this week and had been great, they both started school so it feels like back to normal for me right now, waking up getting them ready, packing their lunch etc.!
I actually enjoy doing that, then dropping them off at school, I wish my W was here to be a part of it but she isn't, her loss!
I have been sleeping MUCH better lately and having less and less thoughts about my W.
I have also been thinking of all the reason I used to be angry at my W about and coming to the conclusion that I do deserve to be treated fairly, with honesty, I deserve to be loved, I deserve to have someone that cares about me, I am coming to terms with me getting a D, although that feeling comes and goes then fear sets in but getting easier it seems.
Just journaling my thoughts, thank you!
Cloudy day today here where I live and work, sad day to be honest, thinking about the W and all of the good times I can remember as being good to me.
All the memories of our happy times were only memories to me and not hers.
My co-worker is playing a lot of good old love songs and cant help it but to hurt inside today.
Anyhow, I just had to post this as I have no one to tell this to in person nor I think I would, that's why I love this forum and you good people.
Take a big deep breathe.
I've told 2 close friends, and it certainly helps to have someone to lean on. I tell them everything I am thinking, and they've been great. They've been where I am right now, one survived with his marriage, the other did not.
I wish I had friends to talk to unfortunately I don't, Ive met a lot of really nice people but nothing where I can let them know how Im feeling.
So I will continue to keep posting here.
Been having a great time with my kids lately, Im getting along with my son more, we are actually bonding.
I will miss them next week, exchange takes place tomorrow, that part never gets easier...
Hey yall, I have the urge to send her an email or text or call her, I know I shouldn't but I would like to just talk to her see how shes doing...
She talks to the kids everyday which is good.
Im really tired, been sleeping great, I think its the pills I take that make me tired,.
Couldn't sleep again, Had a really nice chat with her the other day after class about kids, life, etc. She did however mention to me about OM pursuing her asking her out and she declined although they take a couple of classes together, seems like she's the one pursuing him unfortunately.
I didn't say much told her to just be careful with peoples intentions.
Really bummed out today as I write this. She says she's happy and at peace.
She does look happy and at peace and I am happy that she is although I'm hurting inside, I miss being together.
My D told me last night before going to bed " I wish both my parents lived together again" Got me really sad but I told her We love her and will always love her and maybe someday we will but for now we have to live like this.
Hi ILYNOT,
Your last post really resonated with me. My W is the same way, she sometimes mentions the innocent flirting with OM, but later I come to find out that she is the one pursuing him in many ways, liking the attention she gets, tries to downplay it to me.
She acts as if she is the happiest she has ever been, and for me I am in such a painful place. I want her to be happy of course, but it still stings that it isn't with me.
You handle the conversation with your D perfectly, I had the same conversation with my S7. "We love each other, we love both him and his brother and always will. One day we might be all be together under the same roof"
Wanted to just say that we are here for you, keep your chin up, and continue to trust our lord with your sitch. God bless.
Hey brother,
How are you? I haven't seen you write. I hope all is well with you my friend and your sitch. Please continue to post.
God Bless
Hello all, well after a long night, I decided to ask the W to finally file for D, even though I have GAL, PMAing, 180s etc., I still feel as though the D paper is keeping me attached.
I called her and we talked about it she is still firm on never coming back, so I simply told her then you need to file and go through he process.
It all started from this weekends walk together, she mentioned she has new friends, activities, etc but she wouldn't go into details as she feels I'm not ready for that info yet and she doesn't feel the need o tell me certain things about her personal life... I said ok left it at that but couldn't sleep just wondering, I really need to get away and cut the rope, I have become a friend without benefits, I am only being used when she needs something, well I am DONE, time to move on.
Hey brotha,
I am so sorry to hear that. I know the feeling very well. I unfortunately don't have your will power (Lord knows I need it). In my snooping I have found out who they are (one I have met before at one of her work events), the other I don't know, but do know she is flirting with them. That information has only made my negative intrusive thoughts stronger. I am now working on getting that will power.
Sometimes you need the D in order to move forward or move on. I know you feel a certain way right now, because knowing that information doesn't help at all. Continue to pray my friend, continue to work on detaching, God will not put something in your path that you cannot overcome. Drop the rope if you need to, that might be what you both needed. Just continue to focus on you my friend. ILYNOT 2.5 is a much better version of you.
Here to support you.
Thank you for you kind words and I really feel your hand reaching out for mine!
Hang in there, I will chime in your sitch shortly.
Even though the wound has opened up again, I feel it is absolutely necessary to have that dang paper signed in order for me to move forward, I feel like the rope is still attached to my neck as I try and pull away and pull away, it keeps bringing me back, it hurts.
I had to ask for her to finally file and move on.
I cant do this any longer, seems shes getting further ahead with OMs while Im the friend she calls when her car breask down, or needs something, not anymore..
You control the rope, not her. You are the one who has to turn lose and let it drop to the ground.
Do you see, now, why I tell men they cannot be the WW's BFF?
You control the rope, not her. You are the one who has to turn lose and let it drop to the ground.
Do you see, now, why I tell men they cannot be the WW's BFF?
ILY - I understand that you want to drop the rope.
Why do you think that the actual act of "BEING DIVORCED" will allow you to do that? In other words, why is this legal transaction being allowed to control your emotional state?
ILYNOT - just wanted to say one more thing about this. It is always hard when you come to learn something new. Just like you said to me once before, you can control any of that, and it is heartbreaking due to how we love our W. Keep your chin up, drop the rope, focus on you as there is nothing that can be done about what they want. Make note of what she calls you for, what she uses as an excuse to get you to do it. My W starts the conversation with the kids, she knows that I will do everything for them, and then drops what she wants...
Please start a new thread. You have 106 postings/replies.
Can a mod please star a new thread for me with a link to my sitch? IDK how to do that, thank you!
You can do this!
1. Go to the top of the forum and look on the left hand side and there is a button called New Topic.
2. Click on the New Topic button. This will open up a new screen and you can then post a new Subject Line title and begin posting. To create a new thread is the same as you created this one.
3. To link your thread: here are some directions that may help you:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2588047#Post2588047If you aren't sure about linking them, I'll be happy to do it this time for you.