Confirmed H's affair 4 weeks ago. First he said he didn't know what he wanted, then he was figuring it out. Based on evidence I found I know OW is actively looking to leave her H. My H doesn't have the guts to come right out and ask for a divorce. I told him I was seeing an attorney to understand how to protect myself. I ask if he had anything to say. He said he couldn't say it. I told him I wasn't filing for divorce. That I would not push but I would not break our marriage covenant but things couldn't stay the same. He agreed to move out do a legal separation. i feel like I need that to protect assets as H is financially irresponsible. Working on documents now. seeing lawyer on Thursday. We'll see what actually happens.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
This thread should be on newcomers and I will move it there.
OK.
Becky,
This process is going to take a lot of patience and commitment from you, and a willingness to do what it takes to try and save your M. There are a lot of great people on here who will listen, and guide you through the process.
The main focus is on YOU right now. Can you share some more about your current situation? Were you having problems prior? Do you have kids?
Hi Becky,
As Ralphy said, this will take lots of patience and time. Plan it taking much longer than you anticipate and take it day by day. Sorry you are here.
BW
I am 53, H is 48. 2nd marriage for him. Grown kids. We have had our ups and downs but I never ever thought this would happen. Everyone we know if shocked.
In the last 2 years H has lost both parents, had several surgeries due to chronic pain and had prostate cancer surgery. He has been off work a lot. He has a history of depression. I will admit that many times I have been more of a mother than a wife, sometimes out of necessity.
Sorry. Realized that after I posted.
Cadet, Me 53, H 48, 2nd marriage for him. he has two grown kids. H has history of depression and chronic pain issue. Me kind of a control freak, sometimes out of necessity. In the last 3 years H has lost both parents, several surgeries, off work a lot. Things have been stressful off and on but never thought we would end up here. Friends and family are shocked at his behavior. He also has a spending/collecting issue. But underneath it all he is/was a good guy.
So far everyone I'm seeing is in the process, some for a really long time. I'd like to hear some success stories.
So far everyone I'm seeing is in the process, some for a really long time. I'd like to hear some success stories.
Read the homework, in the resources is a link for Mozza's thread that has current success stories.
Becky .. sorry you are here
Have you read the books?
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Becky - I saw you asked about this "working"
I think there are several threads in the link above of success stories. But, by following the advice here, I've recovered to a much better place whether or not my current marriage is saved. And i believe that's more important anyway.
So.... It's slow. And it hurts. But you'll come out the other side in a much better place.
I don't want H to live in our house while actively with OW. He said he would go. I'm working on a legal separation document. He really wants a divorce but he won't say it out loud and so far hasn't filed. OW lives 1000 miles away but is from a town near us. Still has family there. H is isolating himself from friends and family and constantly texting/talking to OW.
What if he won't move?
Me:53
H: 48
Affair confirmed.: 6/25/14
Becky,
The best bet is to talk to your L about your state's laws regarding marital property and the marital home. Without small kids involved, it's more cut and dry, but your options concerning him refusing to move will depend on your state. If you're both on the title, and your state is a "no fault" state like mine, you may not be able to force him to do so even if he's having and admits to an active A.
This forum is focused primarily on emotional recovery and hopefully prevention of divorce. It's tough with all the different state laws to talk about legal specifics.
we are all here to support you though. It really [censored] being in our situations.
well I saw an attorney and decided to file for legal separation, with me living in the house. He has not ask me about the appointment even though I told him on Monday he needed to move. I don't think he is even looking for a place to live. Ugh. Since the paperwork is going to take 3-4 weeks I'm stuck in the house with an active adulterer.
Today I told him I missed sharing my gardening success with him. Big mistake. He said, "I know".
I don't want H to live in our house while actively with OW. He said he would go. I'm working on a legal separation document. He really wants a divorce but he won't say it out loud and so far hasn't filed.
What if he won't move?
How do you know he wants to D if he has not said it? Mine is MLC limbo too. I personally do not think mine wants D otherwise he would be gone by now. Could be wrong, but worth fighting for by working on me. Mine can't say the word either. He only said it once and it was in relation to others.
Sounds like your H might have MLC. I have been living with actice A since Mid-April. It is definitely hard.
He has research divorce proceedings and commented that we don't have to have a lawyer. We can divide things up on our own. Also found detailed list for OW about how to leave her husband. In his mind he is through with me. One day he will probably wake up and realize it's a mistake. Not sure I'm willing to wait around for that.
My husband is in an affair with someone 1000 miles away, but who is from around here. Still has family here. Her husband knows. He wouldn't take the initiative to file for divorce. I filed for legal separation, he is looking for a place to live and we are talking about division of assets. I am sick to my stomach all the time.
I have been working on GAL and detaching. It's really hard because up until 2 months ago I thought my life was with him. I want him out of the house but also don't want to lose that final connection.
Today I ran across wedding and honeymoon photos and completely lost it.
My husband has been through a lot of loss and physical pain in the last few years. Has turned his back on God. He is very depressed. He stopped seeing his counselor. It's very hard not to watch him suffer and not help.
Me: 53
H: 48
H has grown kids
BD 6/25/15
Sorry you are having a bad day we have all been there.
This is your thread - can you please stick to posting here until this thread has 100 posts.
Thank you.
Have you done the homework yet?
Sorry you're having a tough day. Have you read about mid life crisis at all? It could well be a factor, given your H's age and the circumstances you describe.
T x
Legal separation is underway and he's moving out. I am completely devastated.
Keep breathing Becky. It's hell, but you'll get through it. People say here a lot, it's one day in a long life. There have been other worst days that you survived and you'll survive this one too.
We're here for you, keep posting about how you feel and reach out to a friend if you can. You need support right now. This is all happening but how YOU come through it is all that matters now.
Just curious PigPen, are you still trying to save your marriage or just move on with your life?
Sorry just saw your reply. Yes I believe MLC is a factor, along with depression and a really hellish three years physically and emotionally for my husband.
I have filed for legal separation and H is moving out. My H loves our cat and she loves him. I keeping her but I feel really bad for Bailey (the cat) and for H having to leave her. I know how H feels is not supposed to be my concern anymore. Would it be weird/wrong to suggest shared custody? Probably not the best for a cat.
B,
IMO when you H chose to become wayward he chose to leave you AND cat behind. I would not suggest shared custody.
Definitely not best for the cat, but also seems like you are perhaps reaching for a reason to guarantee you'd have continued contact with H moving forward?
Just curious PigPen, are you still trying to save your marriage or just move on with your life?
Becky - do you believe these are mutually exclusive?
In my opinion, we all need to move forward with our lives if we have any chance of saving our marriages.
I don't think moving on and saving my marriage are mutually exclusive but I don't want to have false hope only to be more disappointed. My husband is in the process of moving out at my request. Truly moving on would be selling the house etc. Won't this signal to him that I am done?
Jedi,
You are right. I do want to maintain a connection. And I feel sorry for by sweet kitty who loves my H very much. She'll just have to adjust.
I think it's perfectly normal to want to grasp onto anything you can to keep a connection. I certainly did the same when I first came here. I still do have some connections, but for me I know see that I need to sever those as well. Connections will only make it harder for you to detach and move forward.
Detaching is so hard to do, and I'm still working on it. It does get easier every day though. Getting out, enjoying life and focusing on you with the added component of time will get you to a good place.
Have you read DB/DR yet? Or perhaps 5LL, or any of the books often mentioned here? I've found that each has helped understand relationship dynamics, and is also a good way to spend time when you don't have GAL things going on.
I have read most of DR and I get it. Just very hard.
So a petition for legal separation has been file. I filed because he wouldn't end the affair or move voluntarily. The legal filing got him moving. H has started moving things to storage and will not be living here after Aug. 6th, although he will have to come back and get furniture for his apartment before August 18.
I have some evidence that OW may be moving in with him but he denies it. She lives in NJ. We live in Mo. She grew up in Mo. and has family here. H said her husband knows and I also have evidence that she is planning to leave him. (all circumstantial)
H had done nothing to indicate he is will end EA and has not reached out to me emotionally or physically in a couple of months. (since the time I think they first spent the night together).
He is isolating himself from friends/family but texts/talks to OW constantly. She is the only voice in his head.
I am trying to GAL but have told him that if we ultimately divorce it is up to him. I don't ask him to end the affair or try to convince him to save the marriage. I don't say I love you.
I pretty much think our marriage is hopeless. Trying very hard to detach and move on. This really [censored].
Me: 53 1st marriage
H-48 - 2nd marriage
H has grown kids
Married 13 years
DB/EA - 6/25/15
I filed for separation 7/20
H moving out
H is moving out and I'm 99% sure it's with the OW. This is absolutely killing me and makes me want to give up. She lives 1000 miles away. I'm pretty sure she plans to leave her husband and come here. She grew up in our area.
I have not ask much at all about OW. This morning I did send a "probing" text, which he has not replied to.
Me are in the process of legally separating and I am not living in the home while he moves out.
Thoughts? Advice?
Very sorry you're going through this! Unfortunately your H is on a long journey of self discovery and there is nothing you can do to help him get through it quicker, he's got to do it at his own pace. That may very well involve moving in with OW. Eventually he'll discover that HE is the problem rather than you, but it could take months of living with OW before he comes to that realization and starts addressing his demons. In the meantime YOU have to work on YOU. Read DB over and over again. Get out. Get a life. Move on without him. You may very well get no reply to that probing text, stuff like that is pressure and the WAS hates pressure of any kind. Read Sandi's rules at least once a day and live those rules! Good luck!
Thanks. I am working on GAL and read Sandi's rules regularly. None of my friends and family understand why I have not filed for divorce. My husband has a lot of issues to work through.
Ok, I did something stupid. I was dying to know if OW was moving in with H. I called the apartment complex H is moving to and pretended to be her asking for the exact street address. They did not have her down as a resident, nor had she filled out an application. I said no big deal I'd get the paper work from my "fiance". They said ok but they would make a note my file. If they say something to him I'm busted. What should I do?
I hate to say this, but this is why snooping is really frowned upon here. It's a no win situation because either you find out something that's going to just hurt more, or you get caught snooping when there wasn't anything to find and end up where you are now.
Everyone makes mistakes, so this one thing isn't going to be the end of your M. Learn from this and move on, dont give it any more head space.
GAL is great, but are you looking inward as well and trying to become the best BeckyB that you can?
Even if you'd found out OW was moving in, how would that really change anything right now for what you need to do? Let all that be what it is for now, it needs to run it's own course.
Time to really start focusing on you!
Jedi, I know! It was stupid. And I had stopped almost all snooping but then got really consumed. No more!
It doesn't really make a difference if she is moving in or not. Just hard to let it go.
I am getting better and better at GAL. Sleeping more and starting to make plans.
Today is a new day. Time to let it go.
This weekend I moved to my mom's temporarily. I was too hard to watch H pack and move. He said he was going to an extended stay hotel today and had an apartment on the 18th. There is really no need for him to go any where to today unless OW in moving in town. It's making me cray. I feel crazy for still hoping. And yes, I realize I need to GAL for me and not for H. But I'm still really obsessed. Any suggestions?
But I'm still really obsessed.
Any suggestions?
I will make this suggestion about obsession.
If I tell you
not to think about the color
BLUE then I say look
Blue is a nice color and all
however it is really not the best color and there are other colors out there.
BLUE should not be all your are thinking about.
You should really concentrate on other things.
Now have you stopped thinking about the color
BLUE?Oh and one other thing - stick to one thread until 100 posts
Threads merged
In my opinion, the best way to stop obsessing is.....to stop obsessing.
Do and think about other things! Keep your mind occupied.
As for your other question. No. You are not crazy to keep hope. Hope is good. I like to think about it this way: i know I would act differently if I knew there was a 75% chance, a 5% chance, and a 0% chasm e my W was going to come back. When I look at those options, the AZZORK I like the best is the one where there's a 5% chance she comes back. Since nobody has any clue what the actual chance is, I choose the 5% chance Azzork to be. Hence, there is hope!
Becky,
There is an amazing vet on here, Job, who told me about a great tool to help with this. Put a rubberband around your wrist and anytime you start to think/ obsess about H, A or OW, snap it. That will be your reminder to move your focus to what is most important - you!! Soon your will get really tired of it and stop the obsessing. Just remember focusing on them will not get you to your goal.
BT
Well H moved to a hotel yesterday until his apartment is available on the 18th. OW left N.J. and come here to Missouri and is with him. I am staying out of the home until he comes back and moves all his stuff on the 18th and 19th. It was too painful to watch him pack and move. My DB coach said it wasn't good for me to be so emotional around him. He said it signaled that H was responsible for my happiness which is not the signal I want to send. And it's ultimately not true.
Trying to let it go and move on, but also figure out how to grieve appropriately.
How do I DB while separated? We don't have children so very little reason to be in touch aside from some logistics/legal sruff.
I am at my mom's and H is at hotel (probably with OW) until he moves completely out on the 18th. No contact since last week and that was logistics. Last night he called to tell me something that easily could have been texted. He talked about a new job opportunity, asked about the cat, wanted to know if he needed to help pay any more bills. I was affirming about new job opportunity and tried to be brief about every thing else.
I found out from my attorny that H countered my petition for separation with a petition for divorce. He didn't bother to tell me. My sister texted him a him called him a coward. And a friend sent him a letter. Now he's defending OW but apologizing for hurting me. I'm sure M is over.
I filed for a legal separation to get H to move out while with OW. I was completely transparent. He had every chance to file for a divorce first but didn't so I proceeded with the Separation. Yesterday I found out from my attorney that H countered my petition for separation with a petition for divorce. He didn't bother to tell me. I was completely blindsided. We are living apart right now and having very little contact but he called me the other day all friendly to tell me something he could have texted.
After I found out about the divorce filing my sister texted him a him called him a coward. And a friend sent him a letter. I did not want them to do any of that. I know it is threatening to him.
Now he's defending OW but apologizing for hurting me. He keeps saying he didn't think the filing would happen so fast, it's killing him that he's hurting me blah blah.
I told him and my attorney that I am giving up my petition for a separation and will submit a proposed divorce settlement. I realized the separation was my way of delaying and trying to hold on.
I seriously doubt there is any hope but I would love to hear from someone who actually had a situation like this work out.
That is exactly what happened in my situation, W takes an Affair Partner, refuses to end it, moves out, I file legal separation and she counters with Divorce.
My L said this is not uncommon and is a natural reaction to "What you served me with a separation, well then here is a Divorce!" kind of thing. Its very immature in my opinion.
Yes, in my case too, I was trying to hold on with a separation. Obviously it did not work.
I suggest not telling your H anything else about what you are planning to do legal wise. It is showing your hand. This will work against you. Stop talking to your H about your D, let the lawyers talk it out. Anything you say will be used against you. It's tough to hear, but the truth. You were trying to be transparent, and do the right thing. He on the other hand has betrayed you, lied to you and is now divorcing you all while crying he doesn't like hurting you. Really? How is he trying not to hurt you? His actions have proved otherwise.
I am really sorry you are going though this.
This is to answer your question about a new thread, in addition to what I posted where you asked the question.
How to get more people to POST on my thread?
To get more replies my suggestion is to ask questions.
Put you post down in a readable fashion. (not one big block of type- ie hit carriage return frequently).
KISS = Keep it simple stupid
Post on other peoples threads and give them support.
You may not think you are qualified but you will be surprised that you may know something
or have some knowledge of something that others know nothing about.
Personally thank each poster that does post on your thread or ask them a follow up question.
Keep posting!
Becky,
Put a signature in your profile please, it'll help keep everyone reminded of your sitch.
Obsession/hope - all part of the same thing that will destroy you, ask me how I know. Try to find the balance of sitting with your feelings and then getting out of your head and doing something distracting and good for you.
I just spoke with my mediator, and you may find it helpful to view your H's actions under this, "These are never painless affairs for anyone, whether the plaintiff or the respondent. Even the people that want the divorce hurt. They go numb, they get angry, feel guilty...it doesn't mean they don't want the divorce."
Kramer and his WW got back together. But she got dumped by her OM, that was the lynch pin I think. Kramer did a remarkable job of showing nothing but self respect and confidence in moving forward throughout those months, and that had a lot to do with it.
Check out Mozza's links to other success stories if you want to get a feel for how drawing back looks like - but you could do everything 'right' and still not be able to save your M. Even MWD points that out in her DR book.
Google the Stockdale paradox and brace yourself.
I seriously doubt there is any hope but I would love to hear from someone who actually had a situation like this work out.
There is always hope as long as that is something that you carry within you.
When you give up HOPE that is when it ends.
Yes I have seen sichs like this turn around.
Starsky is the first one that comes to mind, and he continue to post on the forum.
Thanks everyone for the response. Unfortunately I did tell H of my decision to abandon the Separation. I know I should not have. He is in the process of moving out and I know he won't take all his stuff. I will have to change the locks and deal with that.
M - 53
H - 48
DB - May 15
E June 15
Filed for separation/living mostly separate 7/15
H counter files for divorce 8/15
I'm having a very hard time this morning. Nauseous, lots of anxiety. Really scared about the future and really angry that H has left me alone and childless at my age. Also very angry that he decided he was done with the marriage before I even had a clue. I still believe his depression and MLC left him vulnerable to OW, but still he made the choice. H has chronic neck pain issues. In the last three years he's had 2 surgeries to try to fix that, lost both his parent, diagnosed with prostate cancer and had prostate removed, been our of work a lot with no guarantee of going back. When he had his prostate removed and then was told he might not have a job is when everything really went done hill.
Not sure I want him and all his problems back again so why am I having such a hard time moving on?
Me - 53
H - 48
Together 13 yrs
No children together
BD - May 15
EA confirmed June 15
Filed for separation/living mostly separate 7/15
H counter files for divorce 8/15
Hi Becky, sorry you're having a rough morning. How you feel is completely understandable - this is such a tough time. Do see your doctor or an IC if you need support, and make looking after yourself a priority - reading, gentle walks, meditation, run a bath, see friends, eat good food. Whatever helps you feel better.
The best advice I can give you about H is - aim to keep your head above water and get yourself onto a steady course. There is no need to make any big decisions about your future with H. It is early days, you are angry and scared, which isn't a good mindset for making good decisions. Best to take that pressure off yourself for now.
Take care xx
Beckyb, I am new to your sitch, what strikes me is that you are worrying about your H when you have no control over him and you are letting your mind runaway with you, probably down some very dark alleys.
Take a moment now and take a deep breath, then let it go slowly. If it hasn't helped do it again until you get some relief and you feel more in control.
You really do need to start the process of detaching (the link to it will be in an early post on your thread by Cadet). There is quite a lot to deal with there so find a chunk that you can embrace today and go work on it, then go back and repeat, by doing this you'll soon find you've come a long way as you will feel so much better.
You also need to work on how you think about things and learn to gently take control of your mind and have it deal with your thoughts so much better than it does currently.
There are many ways to do that, I find Mindfulness (originated and still researched at the University of Oxford, UK) incredibly helpful. It's scientifically proven to help with stress and anxiety and may take a while to help you but when it does you'll feel like a million dollars. When I really started practising it I went from a gibbering, needy wreck to in control, rational and confident about the way forward in a matter of days, maybe a week or two tops.
Whatever you choose to do, good luck and keep posting the people here will undoubtedly help you in your journey no matter where you are in it.
Becky -
One thing that has helped me is to reframe my
Mindset a little.
There is no point in wondering if you'd take back your H right now, because he is not interested in reconciling with you. So, take the focus off of that and put it on you. Work on getting to a healthy state of detachment, work on getting YOUR life back together, work on improving YOU and so on.
Then, if, one day, your H decides he wants to reconcile, THATS when you'll be able to decide if that's what you still want.
I talked to my DB coach this morning which always helps me put the focus back on me. It's definitely time to go dark, which I will be able to do pretty well I think. Now we can communicate about divorce stuff via lawyers. H will want be in the house soon to get the rest of his stuff. We talked about a strategy for that.
He also suggested to look for an opportunity to do a 180. H and I used to be playful together. He said if there is an opportunity look for an opportunity to tell a joke. Not sure how to do that while going dark?
I have accepted the fact that this will end in divorce barring a miracle. A little part of my heart still wants that miracle
Me - 53
H - 48
Together 13 yrs
No children together
BD - May '15
EA confirmed June '15
Filed for separation/living mostly separate 7/15
H counter files for divorce 8/15
Becky
I have accepted the fact that this will end in divorce barring a miracle. A little part of my heart still wants that miracle
The miracle will happen once he has lost you and everything else and once you have actually moved on from him, all while being a better, happier, independent YOU!
Divorce has already happened at BD.
ILYNOT,
He's not likely to think he's lost everything since he already has another woman. Just another reason to completely let go. My head knows that God has a plan. My heart hasn't caught up yet.
Me - 53
H - 48
Together 13 yrs
No children together
BD - May '15
EA confirmed June '15
Filed for separation/living mostly separate 7/15
H counter files for divorce 8/15
So sorry Becky. It's bad enough when a spouse leaves, but the added insult when there is OM or OW is salt in the wound. As you say, God has a plan. I wouldn't be so sure that your H won't have regret at some point, and maybe even want to come back. I'm in a D support group for men, and one of the other guys left his W, filed for D, and then called off the A 6 months later. It's now a year after his D and he's in terrible shape. He finally realized that he truly loved his W and what he had lost. But you can't focus on that, as it may never happen. Go be the best Becky you can be. Sending you strength.
ILYNOT,
He's not likely to think he's lost everything since he already has another woman. Just another reason to completely let go. My head knows that God has a plan. My heart hasn't caught up yet.
No children together
I feel the exact same with my sitch...whatever God wants to happen will happen
The OM or OW is a fantasy that will surely fade just like everything else. They will in time know what they have lost, so start on YOU now, ther is light at the end of the tunnel, if you keep telling yourself "hes not this nor that" then your creating truth to your words. Have some Faith and hope and stop thinking about what he thinks or not thinks, who cares. He doesn't.
ILYNOT,
He's not likely to think he's lost everything since he already has another woman. Just another reason to completely let go. My head knows that God has a plan. My heart hasn't caught up yet.
Becky, just caught up on your sitch .. my heart goes out to you.
The A is not built on what your M was, 2 broken people jumping ship into a row boat with the rose-colored glasses on thinking it will all be just fine ... it will run its course, unfortunately for you things are moving very fast which pushes you to go LRT. Reading your sitch your H is hurting ... he is looking to escape that by any means he can.
He very well might need the D papers in hand before he realizes that he is no closer to happiness than when he started this mess. My W was in the same boat ... but realized just in time what she really wanted.
For now, all you can do is work on you. The healing for you can start now, you are lucky in that regard. If you do believe God has a plan, give this to him and trust there are lessons to be learned for you both with all this. It was hard for me but when I did that it was like I came up for air and could breathe again.
Start slow, one step at a time.
Thank you all. I am trying 5o,focus on me and getting back to the person I used to be.
You are going to be a new you, not the old one, look forward to who you are going to be, not backwards at who you were.
The old you got you here, the new you will propel you forward as your solution oriented thinking will shine through.
Question about going dark. For the last couple of weeks h and I have had little contact, mostly about logistics. I am trying to go dark. Yesterday H forwarded me to an email about break-ins in our neighborhood. I didn't respond. I forgot my cell phone at home. Had 2 missed calls and 2 texts from him asking if I got the email. I texted back that I got the email. That was it. I guess that is still going dark? I am not initiating any contact.
Me - 53
H - 48
Married 13 yrs
No children together
BD - May '15
EA confirmed June '15
Filed for separation/living mostly separate 7/15
H moves out and counter files for divorce 8/15
Thank you all. I am trying 5o,focus on me and getting back to the person I used to be.
I am going forward, but the last two years of our marriage has been so full of health issues, deaths and trauma I lost my self in trying to manage it all. That's what I meant.
Me - 53
H - 48
Married 13 yrs
No children together
BD - May '15
EA confirmed June '15
Filed for separation/living mostly separate 7/15
H moves out and counter files for divorce 8/15
Question about going dark. For the last couple of weeks h and I have had little contact, mostly about logistics. I am trying to go dark. Yesterday H forwarded me to an email about break-ins in our neighborhood. I didn't respond. I forgot my cell phone at home. Had 2 missed calls and 2 texts from him asking if I got the email. I texted back that I got the email. That was it. I guess that is still going dark? I am not initiating any contact.
I think it's OK to reply. Keep it short, simple, and upbeat. Dont overexplain things. Dont expect a reply.
Also, the info you are pasting into the bottom of your posts - you can go up to my stuff and type that into your signature. Then you dont have to add it every time!
My WAW does the same thing. I'm 180/last resorting and she'll send me out of the blue emails with weather reports. Or car maintenance emails. Honestly, kind of pisses me off. But, yes, if you are not initiating, you're doing great!
Good reminder about taking the pressure off. There is so much to do and things are moving very quickly.
Things are moving very fast and I have been in LRT since the day after I found out about A. H acted at first like he didn't know what he wanted but it quickly became evident and he has pulled away very fast. I'm still in shock.
Don't worry about it Becky, God has a plan for you that you cannot even imagine, keep smiling, keep doing your work and the blessings will surely come!
Let GOD fight your battles, hand your husband and your situation over to him, keep doing the work and live YOUR life!
Take some time to breath beckyb.
Keeping dark is about no contact except where it's absoulutely necessary and then it's to the point and not posing any questions in other words disconnected. You are doing fine.
You are struggling as you've got your focus on what your H might do or think. Change what you think about to GAL, what you want to do, what you have wanted to do for a while but haven't had the time, what sounds interesting to you, what are your friends up to, what you've enjoyed doing before but lost interest or focus due to your M...the list is endless, go do some of it, any of it, just do it and you'll feel so much better.
I'm at a baseball game with my sister and family and hating every minute of it. But a least I'm out. I feel very old and very single. Maybe need to stick with less family-oriented things for a while.
It's always nice to have people around that will support you through thick and thin.
Try to not think about your situation for the next MINUTE after reading this. I know you can do it.
Start small.
The thing is I have staying very busy. Getting together with friends for dinner or walks, going to church etc. Right now it feels like going through the motions but I know it will get better eventually. VT
You are doing the right things, it will get easier, just give it time.
Get your mind thinking about other things and become even more involved in what you are taking part in.
If you are letting negative thoughts go round and round they'll flourish and grow darker so you'll become more anxious, acknowledge them and let them float away in your mind like passing clouds. Practise this and you will feel even more in control of how you feel.
In the spirit of GAL I drove through a couple of neighborhoods I may potentially move to. It might have been a little premature based on current anxiety level. But at least I'm thinking about it.
That's great, you are starting to think further down the path, rather than what is just in front and in reaction to something your husband does or says.
What else can yo do that's maybe more immediate? Remember it does not need to be something big, think baby steps.
Hi Becky,
Just caught up on your sitch, and like everyone else, I'm very sorry to be meeting you here. Having just read through, I can see that you are finally settling down a bit in the last couple days & that is good. Try to keep that going. Focus on GAL. Look for something new to do that you either used to do but had stopped or something you've always wanted to try or something that just sounds fun. Fill some of that new-found space in your life with some activities just for you.
Your husband went through a number of life events that are almost guaranteed to send even the best of us off into a bad place & a desire to seek out new things in hopes to escape his pain. That's going to take a while. My DB coach reminds me regularly that in her experience, the number one predictor of success in DBing is patience.
I hope that you continue to get some detachment and settle some more. That's the best thing right now for you and your M.
Good luck.
In my immediate future, on Wednesday evening I will return home after 2 1/2 weeks away. I moved out with H was in the process of moving his things to storage/apartment. It was way too emotional to watch it which wasn't good for detachment. He is supposed to be out by 5 pm on Wednesday, except for some things in his workshop. I am changing the locks and he will have to make arrangements for come and get them. I sold our bed and bought a new one. My sister is going to be with me when I go back and home. We are going to do some rearranging and redecorating. That about all I can focus on for now.
That sounds good. Just because you're in a pothole right now, doesn't mean it's going to be like this forever. Looking at new places to live means you're thinking, it doesn't mean it's actually going to happen, but you're getting prepared. Keep it up.
Your husband went through a number of life events that are almost guaranteed to send even the best of us off into a bad place & a desire to seek out new things in hopes to escape his pain. That's going to take a while. My DB coach reminds me regularly that in her experience, the number one predictor of success in DBing is patience.
Asitis, you are right about my husband and it taking time. But a Divorce is already underway although in early stages, he has moved out and I think OW has moved in. It's discouraging.
I'm trying to make myself take one hour and one day at a time.
Your husband went through a number of life events that are almost guaranteed to send even the best of us off into a bad place & a desire to seek out new things in hopes to escape his pain. That's going to take a while. My DB coach reminds me regularly that in her experience, the number one predictor of success in DBing is patience.
Asitis, you are right about my husband and it taking time. But a Divorce is already underway although in early stages, he has moved out and I think OW has moved in. It's discouraging.
I'm trying to make myself take one hour and one day at a time.
Becky -
Just because divorce proceedings have started doesnt mean they cant be stopped. Just because you GET divorced doesnt mean you cant get remarried. Focus on what you need to do for you, and you will be so much better off.
Your husband went through a number of life events that are almost guaranteed to send even the best of us off into a bad place & a desire to seek out new things in hopes to escape his pain. That's going to take a while. My DB coach reminds me regularly that in her experience, the number one predictor of success in DBing is patience.
Asitis, you are right about my husband and it taking time. But a Divorce is already underway although in early stages, he has moved out and I think OW has moved in. It's discouraging.
I'm trying to make myself take one hour and one day at a time.
Yes they are underway. Yes OW is central in his life right now. Yes he is probably going through MLC. Yes he may push D along faster than it takes for him to come out of his fog & realize some things that might change his path. But you either decide you want to hang in there and do what you need to work on yourself and GAL or you do what he is, chase distractions that might give some short term relief to your suffering. That's the hard truth & no one is going to sugar coat it.
Let's say that he pushes divorce through faster than it takes for him to ride out his adventure. Nothing says you can't remarry if you both still want that. And, if you don't push him, he is likely going to be just fine riding his ride. If OW starts pushing him, that will likely blow up in her face, as he wants no real commitments I suspect. So, you just focus on you and let him worry about him for the time being. That gives you both the best chance to figure out who you are, who you want to be, and if that includes the other person still being a central part of your life.
All that said, I know the fear of having things pushed along and feeling like you are running out of time to DB things right. It [censored], and it really pushes you to do something. Something (other than detaching, GAL, boundaries, listen/validate, etc.) will likely make that speed up rather than slow down. There are times when a serious action is required to change a dynamic (going truly dark or last resort), but you are just getting yourself settled & learning the terrain. There is time. It is hard to allow yourself to not feel the urgency, but the whole thing is hard & you will grow from it.
Reach out to people in your support network when you feel like it is getting to be too much or the urge to initiate contact gets too strong.
Hang in there.
When I found out he countered-filed for divorce and I abandon my petition for separation I have truly "dropped the rope". Internally it is still a huge struggle but I have gone dark and am not pushing at all. I' not asking my attorney to slow things down or speed them up. I just have to move on with my life. (easier said than done)
Today, after no contact for several days he texted me to ask for information he could have gotten on his own, and to ask about the cat. I responded very briefly. Just stinks that he cares more about the cat than our marriage.
Lack of sleep is killing me. Last night I went to sleep without drugs and dreamed I paid someone $1000 to kill H. I woke about about 1:30 and took some Ambien. Feel terrible this morning. Today H is moving to his apartment and tomorrow I am going back home. It's really weighing on me. Plus yesterday he texted me asking me if he had mail. He knows I have not been home for 2 1/2 weeks. And he was at house yesterday so he knows if he has mail. Is he probing to see if I've been home, is he just messing with me, did he just want to talk? I don't get it.. Sine I have gone dark only gave a very brief response.
Plus yesterday he texted me asking me if he had mail. He knows I have not been home for 2 1/2 weeks. And he was at house yesterday so he knows if he has mail. Is he probing to see if I've been home, is he just messing with me, did he just want to talk? I don't get it.
Chalk it up to "another day in crazy town". No way to predict why he would ask about this, so dont bother trying to guess. Maybe he forgot where the mailbox is. Keep worrying about you, Becky. Youre stronger than you think.
Lack of sleep is killing me. Last night I went to sleep without drugs and dreamed I paid someone $1000 to kill H. I woke about about 1:30 and took some Ambien. Feel terrible this morning.
Although this is not a commercial and I own no stock in this company, check into Bach rescue remedy or rescue sleep.
It is over the counter herbs and should help you sleep and calm you down.
Worked for me!
Thanks Cadet. I'll check it out.
Cadet and Beckyb - I haven't tried it yet but that is exactly what my IC recommended to me last week. I take Melatonin but if I wake in the middle of the night my body thinks I slept all night and I am up.
I am very strong. I know this. I don't understand why I still hold out hope that he will change his mind after they way he has treated me. I must be a little nuts.
I truly hope getting back in my home, doing a little re-decorating and getting some sleep will help me re-focus on me. I was keeping very busy in the beginning but exhaustion has taken over.
I also need to remind myself I'm only a couple of months into this and BD and PA came as a complete shock. I'm probably still in shock.
The only thing I have found with rescue sleep is that you need to use it when you have at least 4 hours of sleep ahead of you, it does not work for an hour or two nap as you will not feel good if you wake up early.
GAL tonight. H moved out. Bought a new bed. Hanging out with my sister and doing some redecorating. Trying to make the house my own, if even for a little while.
Just venting. I know there's not really an answer for what I am feeling. Feeling very discouraged and anxious this morning. I honestly don't know why I am still holding out hope. In all likelihood H moved in with OW this week. Since she left her H in a different state to come here it's going to be very hard to get out of that if my H would ever decide he wants to. He has filed for divorce and has not given any indication he is having doubts and has never offered to work on our marriage. Lots of "I'm sorry I'm hurting" you but no action.
I am not pursuing, have gone as dark as possible. We were living mostly separately before he moved out.
I am working on GAL, although a lot of the time I'm just going through the motions. I figure I'll fake it until i make, right?
Yes, fake it until you make it and keep working on you. If your H just moved in with OW, then things are going to get a bit more real. Having an distance A versus living together are two very different things. My guess is that the fantasy has a better chance to start wearing off now. Maybe he will see the grass in not greener with OW.
In the meantime, work on you and make yourself in to the Becky 2.0 that only a fool would leave. For all intensive purposes, I just kicked my H out and exposed to him that I knew who the OW is. He had been lying and living in his fantasy for at least 4 months. I think he has likely been staying with her and A is no longer secret. They also do not know if I will tell employer. My hope is that this puts pressure on them both and starts making A seem not so much the fantasy dreamland it was. So, now I am really focusing on me. Maybe it implodes and he sees the light, maybe not. Either way I win by becoming BT 2.0.
Well I just changed the locks on my house and changed the garage door codes. It feels so wrong but I needed to draw respectable boundaries. H move out but left a lot of things still here. Did not leave his keys and garage opener. I think he was thinking he would come and get the rest of his stuff and then give me the keys. Very emotional experience.
Yes, fake it until you make it and keep working on you. If your H just moved in with OW, then things are going to get a bit more real. Having an distance A versus living together are two very different things. My guess is that the fantasy has a better chance to start wearing off now. Maybe he will see the grass in not greener with OW.
In the meantime, work on you and make yourself in to the Becky 2.0 that only a fool would leave. For all intensive purposes, I just kicked my H out and exposed to him that I knew who the OW is. He had been lying and living in his fantasy for at least 4 months. I think he has likely been staying with her and A is no longer secret. They also do not know if I will tell employer. My hope is that this puts pressure on them both and starts making A seem not so much the fantasy dreamland it was. So, now I am really focusing on me. Maybe it implodes and he sees the light, maybe not. Either way I win by becoming BT 2.0.
You made some very positive steps BT, time to update your signature at the bottom of your posts...
Becky,
Your h may have been planning to make a number of trips back to the home to get his "stuff". He may not be planning to return the keys or opener. After all, it's the only mechanisms that he has to get into his home (or so he thinks).
BTW, please start a new thread. You now have 102 postings/replies.
BTW, please start a new thread. You now have 102 postings/replies.
How do I do that? It must be easy but I can't figure it out.
Go to the top of the Newcomers Forum and you will see two buttons on the left side of the screen. One says New Topic and the other one says Forum Options. Click on the New Topic button, create a new subject line and start posting. It is the same way that you started the current thread when you came to the Forum.