Thinking of you buddy.
We're neck and neck in threads!
Keep fighting the good fight.
We're neck and neck in threads!
LOL Matt!
I'll keep fighting the good fight and I'm hoping you will do the same.
I'll check on your sitch soon.
Bob
All:
I finally had a few minutes to check in on others, but just received this reply TM from my W. It was in response to the TM Wonka suggested. I took out "Have a good weekend. Bob" since the weekend already passed:
W's TM moments ago:
"Is 7/15 ok then? Did you consider putting the house on the market? It needs fixing up, but at this point it's too late. It would cost at least $5000 to get it ready and stage it for sale. I'm planning to get some necessary items when I come down, but soon will be back for most of my furniture. I hope you're doing ok - I still feel ultimately is for the best. I do care about you - I just can't live like we did before."
I bolded W's last sentence. Does anyone believe there is a good reply to her last sentence? Maybe ask her about concerns now? Or will that make it seem like I haven't been listening to her? Validate? I have validating this concern of her's several times already.
I am sorry to be so needy lately, but could use some advice again.
Sandi, having been in my W's position (similar at least), any thoughts about her last sentence?
Thank you.
Bob
This came to mind (draft only):
"Yes, 7/15 is fine. We have both changed, and these changes will benefit each of us in the future. Our separation has given me time to look back and realize the good we had together and could have again complete with security, companionship and possible intimacy.
I can't and don't want to live the way we did either. I am open to any thoughts you may have."
There are many ways I can respond. Taking the high road, I should at least let W know that 7/15 is ok with me. I also realize that one of Sandi's 37 Rules is to never say we have changed. The line in my draft text mentions us both. Still a "No No?"
Please help. I am very emotional right now and will not reply.
Thank you!
Bob
Or...another draft:
"Yes, 7/15 is fine. I can see now why you left, we can't live like we did before."
Very short and to the point.
I hope you get the vets online soon Bob. Take your time and no rushing back without proper thought.
Take care. Rd
Rd, thank you my man. Great advice! I am not replying until I get some expert advice re: a response to my W.
Bob
Or...another draft:
"Yes, 7/15 is fine. I can understand your reasons for leaving now why you left, we can't live like we did before."
Very short and to the point.
V
Or...another draft:
"Yes, 7/15 is fine. I can understand your reasons for leaving now why you left, we can't live like we did before."
Very short and to the point.
V
Hello V,
Thanks so much for stopping by and the suggestion. I like that! What do others think?
Bob xo
I agree with V Bob, her text packs the most punch with the shortest reply. It validates your W's feelings but doesn't then sabotage that validation by mentioning anything about the future. It also doesn't give your W an opportunity to even think something along any other lines.
If you had kept "we can't live like we did before", she has the opportunity to think "well that will never happen" or "you're right we can't since blah blah blah" or anything else. It's an opener for her.
V's message is simply, "that date works, here's some validation and nothing else." BAM!
I vote V's message.
Also, with no expectations since your W's texts have a history of lashing out a bit, I view her message to you as a positive one. She's telling the truth - she cares about you, but she can't go back to living the same way. Both to me sound like honest statements, one is still currently overshadowing the other. As of now she thinks her only option is to go back to how things were. That may still take some time and hard work on your part (working on yourself) to overcome.
Cheers my friend, this is a good day. Breathe on it, enjoy it, and then let it go. Back to the program for you tomorrow.
PP
Bob,
It looks like you are in good hands with the vets advice on your response. I hope that you are doing well, after the tough day that you had several days ago.
As always, prayers and hugs for my kindered spirit!
Also, with no expectations
Can I ask WHY you feel the need to send these messages?
What are you trying to accomplish with them?
Bob, the short and sweet texts are best. And it's funny that I say this from my perch, because when I want to text or email, I want to go on and on and on...
Cadet asks some good questions. But if I were to answer "why" I felt the need to send the texts, it would be because I want to somehow influence an outcome for which I am to have no expectations. Ugh... truth, but ugh...
hugs and prayers for you, Bob!
Bob, I would go with V's reply as you really want to head more towards the NC so that you are not being emotionally jerked around everytime you start feeling level again. Taking the high road, validating, and the walking away.
I'm so sorry about this for you, bro.
Take care, and gratz on the pony win!
E
Also, with no expectations
Can I ask WHY you feel the need to send these messages?
What are you trying to accomplish with them?
Are you asking me Cadet?
I was saying that Bob shouldn't have any expectations coming from the fact that his wife's TM was relatively positive in comparison to the ones that he has received.
Should he not reply to a direct question about logistics?
I agree with V Bob, her text packs the most punch with the shortest reply. It validates your W's feelings but doesn't then sabotage that validation by mentioning anything about the future. It also doesn't give your W an opportunity to even think something along any other lines.
If you had kept "we can't live like we did before", she has the opportunity to think "well that will never happen" or "you're right we can't since blah blah blah" or anything else. It's an opener for her.
Also, with no expectations since your W's texts have a history of lashing out a bit, I view her message to you as a positive one. She's telling the truth - she cares about you, but she can't go back to living the same way. Both to me sound like honest statements, one is still currently overshadowing the other. As of now she thinks her only option is to go back to how things were. That may still take some time and hard work on your part (working on yourself) to overcome.
Hi PigPen,
Thank you for taking your valuable time, buddy, to explain it such great detail. You have
many valid points! I think I mentioned this to you yesterday or the day before, but I'll mention it again: You are an amazing writer. I hope your dream of becoming a writer comes true someday. I'm no expert, but you sure seem to be extremely good at it.
Of all the valid points you made, I agree with these the most:
1. V's message is simply, "that date works, here's some validation and nothing else." BAM!
2. She's telling the truth - she cares about you, but she can't go back to living the same way.I felt the same way about V's edited version of my message, and I also truly believe my W (point 2 above) like you do.
At this point, it's almost exactly 10:00 PM here. so I will wait until tomorrow to send the message. I'll keep working to be a "Better Bob."
PP, you help so many others on this board. You are a blessing to us and I hope things improve for you soon. You are working so hard and deserve it!
Thanks again buddy. Cheers!
Bob
Hi WBM,
Thanks for the encouragement, my kindred spirit!
Catch up with you soon.
**hugs**
Bob
Also, with no expectations
Can I ask WHY you feel the need to send these messages?
What are you trying to accomplish with them?
Hi Cadet,
You ask me a great question (like you usually do)! I know a few days ago I was leaning towards NC at all, to help me
really detach. In this case, I hope to accomplish 2 things:
1. Be polite by letting W know the new date of 7/15 is ok. Even though she "fired" me as her H on 10/20/14 I want to be a better person than I was when this all started. In the beginning, I probably wouldn't have been polite because I was so angry at her.
2. Validating her feelings so if there is even a 1% chance of us reconciling, I leave the road home paved smoothly.
I do not expect W to change her mind, but this is a new part of me (validating) and we have such little contact as it is. W seemed like she was being honest about "missing me" yet "not being able to live like we did" so I thought a validating reply couldn't hurt either her or me--as long as I have no expectations. Truly, I don't. But, presuming the D goes thru, I want to know I did everything possible to save our M.
Does that make any sense?
Thanks again, Cadet.
Bob
Bob, the short and sweet texts are best. And it's funny that I say this from my perch, because when I want to text or email, I want to go on and on and on...
Cadet asks some good questions. But if I were to answer "why" I felt the need to send the texts, it would be because I want to somehow influence an outcome for which I am to have no expectations. Ugh... truth, but ugh...
Hey DifRent,
I agree with all you had to say. Well, I will sleep on it as it's about 10:20 PM by me. Thank you for the advice and good comments.
Thank you also for stopping by, and the hugs and prayers. Back at you!
Bob
Bob, I would go with V's reply as you really want to head more towards the NC so that you are not being emotionally jerked around everytime you start feeling level again. Taking the high road, validating, and the walking away.
I'm so sorry about this for you, bro.
Take care, and gratz on the pony win!
Hello Eirinn,
How is it that you always bring a smile to my face. I'm not kidding!
I do want to head toward NC....honestly. You summed up perfectly what I was trying to explain (probably not very well) to Cadet.
I think about you and your sitch daily and feel sorry about all you're going thru, too.
And, thank you for the congratulations on my "pony win." It was a fun day.
All the best to you, sis, I mean E!
Many hugs and positive thoughts to you.
Bob
Also, with no expectations
Can I ask WHY you feel the need to send these messages?
What are you trying to accomplish with them?
Are you asking me Cadet?
I was saying that Bob shouldn't have any expectations coming from the fact that his wife's TM was relatively positive in comparison to the ones that he has received.
Should he not reply to a direct question about logistics?
Hi PigPen (again)!
I
believe Cadet was asking me why I want to reply to my W and what I am trying to accomplish with the replies. My
guess (please correct me if I'm wrong Cadet) is that he quoted your "no expectations" because he feels that replying to my W hurts my chance to truly detach and he probably thought you had a good point. He was bringing that comment (a good one by you) to my attention. That's my take on it.
I'm truly overwhelmed at times by how much you all care about me.
Thanks again buddy.
Cheers!
Bob
Bob,
Just getting caught up and wanted to say I'm sorry for all you are going through. It seems that you are getting great advice and assistance from the BEST of the best. I was so thankful to Wonka for her assistance two weeks ago. And I really like what Cadet has said in his recent posts to you, along with all the others who care so much about you.
I will continue to check in with your sitch. As for mine, I'm standing still right now. Detaching as much as possible. Taking my time and being patient.
May God's grace be with you Bob. Hang in there.
Gr8ful
Hello Gr8ful,
It's so nice to hear from you. I'm about to head off-line as I'm getting really tired and need to get up early for work. I was in someone else's thread, and noticed you posted in mine. I
had to see what you took the time to post.
You are right on about Wonka, Cadet and all the others. They are amazing. I haven't forgotten about you, I've just been mostly dealing with my sitch and GAL activities. I'm glad to hear that you are taking your time and being patient. I hope to catch up on your sitch tomorrow.
May God's grace be with you, too, Gr8ful. Please hang in there! We will get thru this together.
Your friend,
Bob
Hey Bob glad your heading off to get some sleep. I'll be doing the same shortly. I'm sorry I don't have any more words of wisdom for what is going on with your M. But I think you are coming to a point where you are starting to feel like you have value and should not be taken for granted. I think this is very important and will help you get through this.
Stay strong!
No time to post, but I would work more on that reply! I like the start and the fact it's brief. And I like the idea of validating, but just feel the validating bit needs more work....if I get chance I'll post later - but maybe wait until a vet drops by!
x
I believe Cadet was asking me why I want to reply to my W and what I am trying to accomplish with the replies. My guess (please correct me if I'm wrong Cadet) is that he quoted your "no expectations" because he feels that replying to my W hurts my chance to truly detach and he probably thought you had a good point. He was bringing that comment (a good one by you) to my attention. That's my take on it.
Yes - Bob
PP gave you good advice!
1. Be polite by letting W know the new date of 7/15 is ok. Even though she "fired" me as her H on 10/20/14 I want to be a better person than I was when this all started. In the beginning, I probably wouldn't have been polite because I was so angry at her.
2. Validating her feelings so if there is even a 1% chance of us reconciling, I leave the road home paved smoothly.
I do not expect W to change her mind, but this is a new part of me (validating) and we have such little contact as it is. W seemed like she was being honest about "missing me" yet "not being able to live like we did" so I thought a validating reply couldn't hurt either her or me--as long as I have no expectations. Truly, I don't. But, presuming the D goes thru, I want to know I did everything possible to save our M.
Bob - keeping the road home paved and smooth - does not mean that you have to pave the road with GOLD bricks for her to follow the yellow brick road.
I think you do that(keep the road home paved) more with actions than words.
Paving the way is NOT pursuing.
What do Bob's actions say?
See to me, being a light house means standing straight and true, not running all over the island trying to attract the ships.
I know this is hard stuff Bob, also in the big scheme of things it will not make or break your marriage.
I think showing your changes - that you are strong and will be OK with or without MRS. Bob is what will keep the road home paved.
Cadet,
I don't understand your questions. Bob isn't initiating those texts...he is RESPONDING to W's texts about logistics. He just can't ignore them for they do need to coordinate stuff.
Bob,
I would change V's version slightly:
Or...another draft:
"Yes, 7/15 is fine. I can understand your reasons for leaving now why you left, we can't live like we did before."
Very short and to the point.
V
I would say this instead:
Yes, 7/15 is fine. I am sorry that you feel this way. Take care and have a good day.Say nothing about "understanding her reasons for leaving" because:
1) You really don't at all
2) Why continue to "reinforce" that notion in her head??
3) Her leaving is ALL on her
Hi Bob,
I like Wonkas reply the best, why validate her words/feelings all the time, she's seen the changes in you to know things "won't be like before"
Yes, 7/15 is fine. I am sorry that you feel this way. Take care and have a good day.
Say nothing about "understanding her reasons for leaving" because:
1) You really don't at all
2) Why continue to "reinforce" that notion in her head??
3) Her leaving is ALL on her
OK - you said it better.
I probably would just say:
Yes 7/15 is fine.
Of course I dont usually say too much.
Cadet,
Remember that Bob's W's main complaints were that he was overly critical and appeared not to care about her at all. So Bob really needs to showcase that caring side in his interactions with his W. This is Bob's 180 right there.
Yes 7/15 is fine.
Of course I dont usually say too much.
LOL!
Gr8ful3, Toots, Cadet, Aj8 and Wonka,
I can’t thank you all enough for your valuable insight, encouragement and advice. I’m at work now, so I don’t have a lot of time now, but at lunch I am going to dedicate a prayer to all of you. I’ve always been a man of faith, but this crisis truly has brought me closer to God which has led me to me more prayerful.
If we could somehow meet (I know, won’t happen) I would buy you all as many of your favorite drinks as you could drink!
Wonka, you hit the nail right on the head: “Remember that Bob's W's main complaints were that he was overly critical and appeared not to care about her at all. So Bob really needs to showcase that caring side in his interactions with his W. This is Bob's 180 right there.”
Cadet & Others, Wonka described my situation better than I did last night to Cadet. LOL
I am going to send Wonka’s suggested post to my W: “Yes, 7/15 is fine. I am sorry that you feel this way. Take care and have a good day.” Why? I have gotten great suggestions but Wonka’s makes the most sense for the reasons she stated:
“Say nothing about "understanding her reasons for leaving" because:
1) You really don't at all
2) Why continue to "reinforce" that notion in her head??
3) Her leaving is ALL on her”
Through the Db’ing, I think we all feel “lost” as to what our next step should be. I’d be SO lost without you all I think I’d be somewhere on Jupiter by now.
Thank you and God’s blessings to you all.
Bob
Oops....although I thanked her last night, I forgot to mention Vanilla. V, thanks for the assistance and I will pray for you on my lunch, too! You got me headed in the right direction.
Bob
Bob ... I just read up on your sitch a bit .. and Wonka as always is spot on with the Text ... as she always is with TM and email exchanges ... little does she know I changed my number in my wife's phone to hers just to keep my fat fingers from wrecking it all.
I think that TM shows strength more than anything ... I have hear that "I just can;t go back to that life" more than I would ever care to, but honestly, I realized I could not go back to that either and we both had to do our share of changes.
You have been working at it, you need to allow her to do the same, might take a bit but seems more times than not they start to realize it was not all on us ... we took the blame and when we are no longer the target it forces them to look in the mirror a wee bit.
Hang in there.
Hi Bob,
Thanks for stopping by my thread. I wish you peace my friend. You're doing all that you can do, and that is a lot of peace to be had.
Hi Bob, how's the day going? You certainly got the help you needed with your text. I'll echo a few others in that you are doing the best that you can in a horrible situation. A few months ago you were always on here, and now you are missing for a day or two due to GALing. That's awesome. It's very interesting to go back and look at our past posts. They help to show us how far we have come.
Keep the faith, watch out for bears, missing planets, and killer rabbits.
I keep you in my prayer list every night.
hugs
E
I also realize that one of Sandi's 37 Rules is to never say we have changed.
Well technically, it says never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes.
I do care about you - I just can't live like we did before.
Sandi, having been in my W's position (similar at least), any thoughts about her last sentence?
She is trying to show her nicer side. Saying the words that she does care about you, is not equivalent of saying ILY, so please do not spend time pondering over it. It is just a nicer form of her saying she doesn't wish anything bad for you........but it does not change her decision to leave the M. She's doing this to prevent you from pressing her about the relationship. As if to say, "Let's just be friends".
Well technically, it says never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes.
She is trying to show her nicer side. Saying the words that she does care about you, is not equivalent of saying ILY, so please do not spend time pondering over it. It is just a nicer form of her saying she doesn't wish anything bad for you........but it does not change her decision to leave the M. She's doing this to prevent you from pressing her about the relationship. As if to say, "Let's just be friends".
Hello Sandi!
Thank you for stopping by. Excellent comments, as always. Yes, I was going by memory and I misquoted the comment about changes. Thanks.
I did send Wonka's suggested text about 24 hours ago. It went thru right away (many times W has her phone off) and I have not heard back from her. I did not expect to, at least not this soon.
Your suggestion about not spending any time pondering why my W writes "I do care about you" is so good. I need to hear the truth, especially from someone who has been in a similar sitch as my WW. I suppose there was a part of me that thought MAYBE she was starting to reconsider her decision. No expectations, I know.
I know you have your hands full at home so I can't express how much it means to me that you took time to stop by. I am praying for you, your H and D nightly. First, I pray for my children, and then you and your family are next, as I know you are in a rough spot with the health issues.
Sending friendly hugs your way . . .
Bob
Hey CaliGuy,
Thank you for taking the time to stop by and the encouragement!
You are awesome. Please hang in there, too.
Bob
Thanks for stopping by my thread. I wish you peace my friend. You're doing all that you can do, and that is a lot of peace to be had.
Hi Zelda,
You're welcome, and thanks for doing the same!
Honestly, I haven't been online much the last few days between work (extra-busy) and GAL activities.
I really love this: "
and that is a lot of peace to be had." How true.
I wish you peace and happiness. Please hang in there, ok?
*hugs*
Bob
Keep the faith, watch out for bears, missing planets, and killer rabbits.
I keep you in my prayer list every night.
Hi Eirinn,
Once again, you brought a big smile to my face and made me LOL. "
watch out for bears, missing planets, and killer rabbits."
You have a huge following on this board because we all know how kind, compassionate and encouraging you are (not to mention very humorous!). I pray your H realizes this soon.
I haven't been online quite as often as I'd like. I am falling behind on other's situations (posting occasionally) and I feel kind of bad. Between GAL activities, like you mentioned, work and things "heating up" a bit in my sitch, it's been a little harder for me to find time to log in.
Before I looked at my thread, I did post a tiny message in yours.
Thank you for your time, prayers, support, encouragement and humor. You are a "gem."
I keep you (and many others) in my nightly prayer list, too.
We WILL get through this.
Bob xoxo
Journaling:
1. Another “crazy-busy” day at work. It’s ok, I am blessed with a job and it keeps my mind off my sitch (some)..
2. I logged into our board for about 20 minutes (short time ago) but had to log off.
3. Our next court date (Pre-Trial) was supposed to be Friday 7/31. I let my L know a few days ago I can’t make it – mandatory training at work.
4. Just after I logged off, my L indicated that my W can’t make it Friday 7/31 either. Hmmm….
5. The earliest our new Pre-Trial date will be is Friday 8/21. Both Ls will be in court Monday to set a new date with the judge.
6. I feel like I’ve been given the “gift of time” again. I am very happy about it.
7. I love all of you on this board!
Bob
Awww, thanks Bob. That is very sweet of you to say.
I think you not being on line as much is okay if your life is busy. It seems like you are coming on when you need some help, which is good. When you do come on, you spread comfort and encouragement that we all need. It's nice to know that someone is just thinking about you.
Your situation is very chaotic right now and I just want to make sure that you continue to self care and look after the Bob that we all love.
*hugs* bro,
E
And apparently, we are cross posting again!
Hey Bob.
You are some man. How you can be the beacon of hope in the face of such adversity quite simply astounds me. You have amazing strength. Peace my friend.
Your situation is very chaotic right now and I just want to make sure that you continue to self-care and look after the Bob that we all love.
Yes, E, we did cross-post again. Too funny!
I loved your entire post (as always) but found the part I quoted above particularly sweet.
There's so much "sweetness" here it's beginning to seem like a chocolate factory. Nothing wrong with that!
*hugs* *hugs*
Bob
You are some man. How you can be the beacon of hope in the face of such adversity quite simply astounds me. You have amazing strength. Peace my friend.
Hey NDY,
Wow, all I can say is 'thank you' for the compliment. You just made my day!
I think we all on this board feel the same way about you. I know I do. Hey, let's keep the "lovefest" going.
With friends like you, watching my back, I am going to make it thru this. And...you will as well!
Peace to you, too, buddy, and keep on moving forward.
Bob
It's the only direction to go in. We will be fine, no matter what. Thanks pal.
Oooh....Chocolate is good!
Just dropping by to offer support
V
Just dropping by to offer support
V, it means so very much to me. Thank you for remembering me.
((hugs))
Bob
Okay Bob, if I gain weight this week, it's your fault. Had to get a hot fudge sundae because of your sweet comment.
:P
Okay Bob, if I gain weight this week, it's your fault. Had to get a hot fudge sundae because of your sweet comment.
Hey Eirinn, if that happens, I'll have to whack myself over the head with a 2x4.
Was it good?
*hugs*
Bob
It was soooo good! Well worth the extra pound!
Bob, hope things are going well for you. Just wanted to stop by and offer support.
Hi Bob,
Thank you for checking in on my sitch. I hope the week is going well for you!
Hugs!
Bob - I hope all is going well and your e-mail exchanges are productive.
You are in my thoughts - take care.
Headed off for camping for the weekend, Bob. Hope your next three days are peaceful and stress free!
As always, you're in my prayers,
*Hugs*
E
Bob,
getting ready for bed and realized it's been a long time since I stopped by your world. But believe me, I read your thread every day. Each person on here has their own "specialty" if you will - one thing that stands out above all else is your PMA.
Each of us has the ability to be the lighthouse for each other.
You seem to attract the most well wishes and support around here, and it's because of the genuinely good person you are to everyone on here going through a similar hell as you. Just know that your PMA has been a model for me in developing my own.
Thank you for being my lighthouse in that regard.
Good night my friend.
Journaling:
1. Another “crazy-busy” day at work. It’s ok, I am blessed with a job and it keeps my mind off my sitch (some)..
2. I logged into our board for about 20 minutes (short time ago) but had to log off.
3. Our next court date (Pre-Trial) was supposed to be Friday 7/31. I let my L know a few days ago I can’t make it – mandatory training at work.
4. Just after I logged off, my L indicated that my W can’t make it Friday 7/31 either. Hmmm….
5. The earliest our new Pre-Trial date will be is Friday 8/21. Both Ls will be in court Monday to set a new date with the judge.
6. I feel like I’ve been given the “gift of time” again. I am very happy about it.
7. I love all of you on this board!
This is a fantastic outlook, Bob. You have been given the gift of time and you've done so well with that gift. I hope the weekend treats you well and thanks for all the support you provide us!
Eirinn, Fogg, WBM, u-turn, PigPen, Ralphy and Defacto, I just read every one of your posts since I logged in 2 nights ago. I usually try to reply individually but don’t have time now. Thank you all for your super-kind sentiments, thoughts, prayers, etc. I have to admit Ralphy’s post almost made me cry.
Journaling:
1. I was not online at all yesterday. I had a 10+ hour work day and did not feel well when I got home.
2. I have a new supervisor after 13 years. (This happened a few weeks ago, I keep forgetting to mention it.) Our old supervisor got promoted and he understood what I am going through,. He has been through 4 (yes 4) divorces. Our new boss has been married almost 30 years with 4 very smart children. He does not “get it” and this is adding pressure to me. I don’t expect him, too. You have to go through it to realize how “gut-wrenching” it is.
3. I am “on loan” to another team at work because they are SO behind in their work, and “we love Bob” That made me feel so good
4. I have not heard from my W since I texted her 3 days ago…the one V helped refine and Wonka added a few more edits.
5. I am trying to remember to “Trust the process” and ‘Detach” and “Have no expectations” Boy, do I need patience, too.
6. I have a lot of GAL for this weekend: Tonight, dinner with a Meetup Group, Saturday, going to a Jazz Festival. Sunday, going to a backyard BBQ (although the forecast calls for t-storms Sunday).
7. I am thinking about everyone I have ever communicated with on this board—please keep a PMA!
8. I’m keeping a PMA—things will work out for the best.
You are all the best!
Bob
Hi Bob,
Thinking of you today and hope that you have a great weekend! It looks like you have some great GAL lined up!
Hugs
Hugs Bob,
Enjoy your weekend GAL
V
Hey there Bob! So how did the weekend go? Did you get rained out today?
Well Friends, thank you for checking in on me.
I had a great time with a ton of GAL stuff this weekend . . . maybe too much fun. I went to a Meetup dinner Friday evening and had 3 ladies ask ME for my phone number. I was with a big group of people, and I think they noticed that I was getting most of the attention and making people laugh –which I love to do! The attention felt SO good, I think I let it go to my head. I feel I am average looking at best. I will be 55 in less than 2 weeks. I have lost a lot of hair although I am in very good shape. For those of you who know of the famous hockey player Wayne Gretzky, especially when I had a full head of hair, people thought I looked like his twin. So much so, my nickname for a while was “Gretz.”
Anyway, I got to thinking how this D has been going on now for almost 9 months, with no sign of my W ever changing her mind. You may recall, she never even wants to see me when she comes to town. (Ouch!)
Wonka has mentioned she knows of (many, several?) 11th hour divorces busted. My W and I know a couple who were in court to sign the final papers, and our friend’s wife changed her mind….right in front of the judge. So, knowing that and trying to stay with my PMA and DB principles, I have been hanging in there – for the most part.
I think it was about 1 week ago I felt like “giving up” and PigPen and others stepped up big-time! I changed my mind.
Well…between something I overheard at the dinner (someone who felt he hung on too long during his D), a dream I had and wanting to get my W’s pulse, I sent her a TM Saturday. I should’ve posted it here, I know, but I decided I wanted to set boundaries and give her the impression that I have moved on. In some ways, I’m starting to feel like I have. I sent her the following Saturday afternoon, and no, it was not a drunken TM at all. I gave it a lot of thought. The things I wrote are sadly all true. She treats me like dog poop.
Me” “If you feel like you need emotional closure as our divorce gets closer to being finalized, give me a call sometime. I'm good, I don't need it, but I felt like it was the right thing to do to ask you. If you do call and bring up legal issues, raise your voice or blame me 100% for the breakdown of our marriage I'm hanging up. If you don't feel like you need to speak to me so be it.”
W replied last night. I know, don’t believe anything they say. Here is her reply TM:
W: “I don't need closure, I have it and have for a while. I just want to get this all over so I can move on. Why would I call to blame you, discuss legal issues or anything else? I wish you well. I just am more sure than ever that I have made the right decision. I hope you will be able to find someone who is better suited for you.”
That’s where my life is now. W is still, as far as I know, stopping by on 7/15 to pick up some of her things. Out next court date got moved to the end of August, since neither one of us could make the late July Pre-Trial (we have to be there).
I do not let friends, family, IC etc. influence me re: our M. It’s this board I look to for guidance. But from the time she walked away (2nd time since 2009) until now I hear the same thing, “Bob, how could you EVER trust her again even if you did R?” I think it’s time for me to move forward and never look back.
If you took the time to read all this, thank you. It seems like this back-fired on me. If W is telling the truth, there is no hope of saving what was, for the most part, a loving M and unique family known as “The Brady Bunch.”
Peace to all of you.
Bob
Bob, I have followed your sitch a bit. I know you have commented on my thread a few times. You are a good person Bob and have helped alot of people with your kind words. Also you seem to have had a good weekend. Something really stuck out to me on what you just posted. " She treats me like dog poop". Bob you are a good person. I know this is hard, but if I were you, I would move on. I would not text her at all. No calls, NOTHING. Get on with your life, GAL stuff and meeting new friends. If she treats you like dog poop, she doesn't deserve you. Take time to heal from this. Someone will come along that won't treat you like dog poop one day.
Bob,
Whhhaaaat??!
Well…between something I overheard at the dinner (someone who felt he hung on too long during his D), a dream I had and wanting to get my W’s pulse, I sent her a TM Saturday. I should’ve posted it here, I know, but I decided I wanted to set boundaries and give her the impression that I have moved on. In some ways, I’m starting to feel like I have. I sent her the following Saturday afternoon, and no, it was not a drunken TM at all. I gave it a lot of thought. The things I wrote are sadly all true. She treats me like dog poop.
Me” “If you feel like you need emotional closure as our divorce gets closer to being finalized, give me a call sometime. I'm good, I don't need it, but I felt like it was the right thing to do to ask you. If you do call and bring up legal issues, raise your voice or blame me 100% for the breakdown of our marriage I'm hanging up. If you don't feel like you need to speak to me so be it.”
W replied last night. I know, don’t believe anything they say. Here is her reply TM:
W: “I don't need closure, I have it and have for a while. I just want to get this all over so I can move on. Why would I call to blame you, discuss legal issues or anything else? I wish you well. I just am more sure than ever that I have made the right decision. I hope you will be able to find someone who is better suited for you.”
You got antsy and just wanted it to get out there. Were you expecting some type of
Notebook reaction from W??
Get back on the DB horse.
Well Bob, at least you know where she is at just now. Seriously though - if you hope to save your M, sending significant TMs like that is a bad idea my friend.
Oh well - keep moving forward. And remember that important rule to never lose hope no matter how bleak things may seem. We just never know for any of our sitches how they may turn out.
Also, while I'm sure it's very nice to be asked for your number, I wouldn't rush into a new R with anyone else if you still love your W and hope to reconcile.
Keep on DBing Bob xx
I agree with Toots and Wonka Bob, you got an answer. Is it truth? Who knows, but I'd take it as such for now. I've gotten to a similar place my friend, the real DB'ing starts now.
On some weird unexplainable cosmic level, I believe our spouses know when we've really detached. REALLY detached, not just detached in name or on this board. I've read all of the success stories and the common theme is "I simply stopped giving a [censored] in my heart of hearts" and that's when she came back. I'm sure there are plenty of stories about LBS's that stopped giving a [censored] and their spouses didn't come back, but they didn't give a [censored] at that point so it didn't matter.
Move forward for real Bob, in your heart. What the future holds is for no one to know. You're a good man, and have a pure heart, you deserve to be with someone that recognizes that and celebrates it. Someone that wakes up and says, "Holy smokes, Bob is an amazing man, I can't even imagine sharing my life with anybody but him."
Until that person shows up as either your W returning, or a new partner, you get to be the one that celebrates it.
Big hug my friend,
PP
Something really stuck out to me on what you just posted. " She treats me like dog poop". Bob you are a good person. I know this is hard, but if I were you, I would move on.
Hi Joe,
Thank you so much for the kind words, and I feel like you have a great point.
I guess I feel like I am in DBing "hell" right now. I know it’s not easy and can take a long time. Maybe I don’t have the patience I used to. As I'm getting out more, I am realizing that women still do find me attractive -- whether it's physical, my personality or both. (LOL!) My W, as so many LBS's have written on this board is like an alien to me -- a "vicious" alien (to use her exact word about one of her own texts to me).
I'm not saying I've given up all hope, but my eyes are beginning to open after getting my self-esteem back.
Thank you sir!
Bob
You got antsy and just wanted it to get out there. Were you expecting some type of Notebook reaction from W??
Get back on the DB horse.
My dear, dear friend Wonka,
Somehow, I just knew I'd hear from you. I am trying very hard.
I hope thnigs are well your way!
Thank you for checking in. I am not going to reply to her TM.
((hugs))
Bob
Also, while I'm sure it's very nice to be asked for your number, I wouldn't rush into a new R with anyone else if you still love your W and hope to reconcile.
Keep on DBing Bob xx
Another "dear, dear friend" -- Hello Toots!
Very solid advice, as always. I think that is my dilemma now?? Do I really still love her after all this? Can I ever trust her again?
I'm trying! As part of my DBing, I am going to really move forward more than ever and not look back. Maybe then my W will truly realize I have moved on, and, I know the dynamics could completely change.
I do like Joe's advice, no contact at all.
I hope you're doing well, Toots. xx
Bob
I'm not saying I've given up all hope, but my eyes are beginning to open after getting my self-esteem back.
Nothing wrong with opening your eyes,
or with getting your self esteem back.
Move forward for real Bob, in your heart. What the future holds is for no one to know. You're a good man, and have a pure heart, you deserve to be with someone that recognizes that and celebrates it. Someone that wakes up and says, "Holy smokes, Bob is an amazing man, I can't even imagine sharing my life with anybody but him."
Until that person shows up as either your W returning, or a new partner, you get to be the one that celebrates it.
PigPen,
Why am I not surprised you checked in and took time to post? What a great friend and source of support you have become, sir!
I agree with you, on some "cosmic level" our spouses really can tell when we have truly "moved on." And that leads into part of my post to Toots moments ago. As part of my DBing, I am going to really move forward and not look back. Maybe then my W will truly realize I have moved on, and, I know the dynamics
could completely change.
I don't know what I would do without all the support from this board. You have become a HUGE contributor to so many. Your words just flow like a beautiful river. What a writer you are!
I really need to get back to work now. I hope you are doing better and I'll do my best to catch up with you later. I have an IC appt. tonight right after work.
Big hugs back at 'ya, buddy.
Bob
Nothing wrong with opening your eyes, or with getting your self esteem back.
Cadet,
Thank you sir -- I needed that!
Bob
Bob
My lovely one.
Your enthusiasm makes me smile, I think of you as irrepressible and encouragible. Despite all I really doubt this will damage your PMA in the longer term and I don't see you moving on just yet.
WW will be going at her own pace not yours.
Temp checking isn't a great idea with your WW. You may have undone much of your progress so far although i know you wanted something different. I wouldn't have thought WW could have answered differently from the space she is in.
Back to basics Bob. Shrug, learn and let it go. You made a mistake, so do we all. If you want to stand for M and for Bob you can, it is possible.
V
I guess I feel like I am in DBing "hell" right now. I know it’s not easy and can take a long time. Maybe I don’t have the patience I used to. As I'm getting out more, I am realizing that women still do find me attractive -- whether it's physical, my personality or both. (LOL!) My W, as so many LBS's have written on this board is like an alien to me -- a "vicious" alien (to use her exact word about one of her own texts to me).
I'm not saying I've given up all hope, but my eyes are beginning to open after getting my self-esteem back.
Bob
Hey Bob .... just thought I would post. I have not read your entire sitch .. but have read enough I think I get a good feel.
Truth is ... like me, you might just be to darn nice .. and to darn willing to keep that door propped WIDE open for your W. I was that way ... I also am nearing in on 2 years separated, faced the D storm front seriously 3 times .. along with several 'threats' of the D. I am not here to tell you the 11th hour success story ... however, I was just signatures away from being single. I will not mind read you ... I will share I never wanted it, I was so focused on DBing and doing everything as well as I could 'by the DB book' ... I GAL'd .. PMA .. 180'd my tail off and like you ... My wife sounded and looked like my W, but the hatred she had for me, the eyes were cold and black, it was not her.
Then I started accepting ... well this may be my life now, I actually looked at myself, my faults .. owned them and began working on myself. I would cave to avoid conflict, do what ever made her happy .. I put her on a pedestal. Know what happened? she lost all respect for me as a man, and from that pedestal she thought she deserved better. Took me a long time to learn this, even longer to get my mojo back and rebuild my self confidence ... lets be honest .. no bigger blow to ones ego than BD from your mate.
So ... about 18 months or so after BD W wanted to meet up, I figured final signature talk and finally that's it, I am free from the chains that weighed me down she can go ahead with her A and be happy with OM, I actually was good with it, I liked me, liked my life, and I had set some goals for myself as a single man ... none of which included 'somone' to fill my needs. And I even reached a point if OM made her that happy ... so be it, good for them, I arrived that a happy W would result in a happy S, and my S means the world to me. Then out of nowhere..... She anti BD me and wanted to work on the M. Like many WW ... she finally felt she was going to lose me, and any sense of family that ever could have been.
If there is a magic bullet in any of this .. I think its getting to that point of being secure in your future regardless of what that WAS does ... because we all have learned by now there is no controlling them regardless, and we are in control of our own happiness.
My advice .. do your thing. That TM was a temp check by you... I do not think it was a set back other than maybe a gut punch as admit it or not you had expectations she would want to have a "where we went wrong" moment .... that may/may not ever come ... not your problem regardless.
Temp checking isn't a great idea with your WW. You may have undone much of your progress so far although I know you wanted something different. I wouldn't have thought WW could have answered differently from the space she is in.
Back to basics Bob. Shrug, learn and let it go. You made a mistake, so do we all. If you want to stand for M and for Bob you can, it is possible.
Dearest V,
You are the lovely one, but I humbly accept your compliment.
I take pride that my enthusiasm makes you smile, you think of me as irrepressible and encouragible. Wow, thank you!
As for the rest of your post, I have to agree with you. I made a mistake and have already let it go with the help of this board. I will always keep my PMA and continue to work on myself. Even if it means that my W will be happier without me, then I will accept it, feel happy for her and meet my next "dream girl" someday.
{Hugs}
Bob
Truth is ... like me, you might just be too darn nice .. and to darn willing to keep that door propped WIDE open for your W. I was that way ... I also am nearing in on 2 years separated, faced the D storm front seriously 3 times .. along with several 'threats' of the D. I am not here to tell you the 11th hour success story ... however, I was just signatures away from being single. I will not mind read you ... I will share I never wanted it, I was so focused on DBing and doing everything as well as I could 'by the DB book' ... I GAL'd .. PMA .. 180'd my tail off and like you ... My wife sounded and looked like my W, but the hatred she had for me, the eyes were cold and black, it was not her.
Then I started accepting ... well this may be my life now, I actually looked at myself, my faults .. owned them and began working on myself.
Hi CaliGuy,
Thank you so much for taking the time to stop by and post such excellent advice, and sharing your feelings as well. I am pretty familiar with your sitch and you summarized it perfectly, which really helps me as it is possible I am "too darn nice." Since my W walked out in October, I have had so many people on this board and in my personal life say the same thing. Since she has MS, I always put her needs before mine even if what she needed wasn't urgent at the time.
Many threads ago, I owned up to my part in this and posted the details. It was a reply to mahhhty. Maybe I'll repost it when I have time. Anyway, just like you, I am GAL'ing, trying to keep a PMA (I ask others to do the same all the time) and have 180'd my tail off. I have learned to never send a text without running it the board first, but this was one time I wanted to try on my own. If nothing else, at least W knows my boundaries.
I can't thank you enough for your time and encouragement. I'll do my best to check on you later tonight. In the meantime, I hope things are getting better for you and I wish you well.
Your friend,
Bob
Hi Bob,
I know the frustration that our sitches bring, and it is hard sometimes to stand there and take the punches all of the time without throwing a jab back. Like it has been said - just shrug it off and move forward. All you can do is to continue being the best Bob that you can be.
We are all here for you, Bob. Hang in there, my kindered spirit. Hugs and prayers.
Ahh, Bob. I am so glad you had a wonderful weekend! It really sounds like it was a lot of fun and was great for your self esteem as well. That's terrific!
Now the 2x4 with your temperature check...of course it's a foam 2x4 because we all want to do check with our WS and we all make mistakes. Although I totally understand wanting to. The hardest thing is doing nothing.
Have a good day and continue on the DB train. You've got this! and us.
*hugs* bro,
E
Hi Bob. First things first , 3 ladies asking for a date !!!!!!! I'll have to try harder Nice to get the ego boost and maybe lead to a nice friendship.
On your text , 2 X 4 but only threatened ! !! This was never going to get the reaction you wanted Your W is a unsure of everything and anything you say or do will be wrong
This is a long path Bob and only you decide how far along it you want to travel
You seem a very genuine guy and you have told us over and over again how much you love your W If you get a chance read back on a guy called Edz. His W wanted nothing to do with him and she wanted him out of their child's life. It took Edz a long time but they are back together
I would encourge you to listen to your heart Bob and decide what to do from there
I will support you what ever you choose , just think long and hard first
Take care mate ( ladies man ). Rd
Hey all who responded since my post yesterday. Thank you all for stopping by and your advice, encouragement, 2x4s, etc. I hope and pray all of you are going well today.
WBM – Thank you, my kindred spirit. Hugs and prayers to you, too!
Eirinn, - Hey sis, I had a feeling you’d stop by. Thanks for the encouragement and using a foam 2x4. Whew . . . LOL!.
Fogg – Patience? As you know, it’s tough, but I needed to hear that. Thanks my friend!
Rd – What would I do without you? Well…3 Ladies asked me for my phone number, it is true.
Thanks so much for reminding me about Edz. And yes, I do love my wife very much. Thanks for your support. Hang in there. You’re amazing, mate!
I remembered something last night. According to the Bible, Jesus experienced so much sorrow -- He was called a “man of sorrows.”
Here is verse discussing it:
“He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hide their faces he was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted” (Isaiah 53:2-4).
Believer or not, I think it is an uplifting thought to know that Jesus knows how we feel.
Here is a special prayer I’d like to share with all of my friends. I hope it gives you encouragement and strength!
“Jesus, You know my pain. You were pierced by rejection and shame. You are God. Shine Your light in my darkness and show me the way out. Amen.”
Your buddy,
Bob
Eirinn & Wonka,
Thank you! Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.
{{{Hugs}}}
Bob
Love ya, Bob, but I'm holding the wooden 2x4 in reserve.
We just have to continue to support each other in DBing. Everytime I think I've detached, something pops up to show me how very wrong I am.
*hugs*
E
Everytime I think I've detached, something pops up to show me how very wrong I am.
Geez - how true is THIS? Every freaking time.
Yup.
Believer or not, I think it is an uplifting thought to know that Jesus knows how we feel.
Here is a special prayer I’d like to share with all of my friends. I hope it gives you encouragement and strength!
“Jesus, You know my pain. You were pierced by rejection and shame. You are God. Shine Your light in my darkness and show me the way out. Amen.”
Bob, a beautiful sentiment here. I'd take things even one step further: that our own suffering can be united to His, and offered as a sacrifice and prayer. That thought has gotten me through many difficult times - because as much as we suffer, it can't even compare to how much He did.
Big hugs and prayers for you,
Dif
Everytime I think I've detached, something pops up to show me how very wrong I am.
Geez - how true is THIS? Every freaking time.
No kidding...
Yep - same boat today - random text from W and set me back to Square 1. I am so p*ssed about myself for letting it get me down. Obviously need to work on detaching more. Never ending job!
It really is Heavy. I'm sorry that your W set you back on your journey.
We're all one text away form square 1 Heavy!
Damn it!!
Yep, we're hijacking your thread Bob.
Hope you're holding up ok my friend.
PP
Hello my friends, I have had almost no time to login. Sometimes, when this happens, I go to your threads to see what the latest is and get to mine, if I can, last. Since I am blessed with such wonderful friends, I thought you might be concerned, so therefore the quick post here.
Since my last post 2 days ago I saw/read Eirinn’s, Matt’s, DifRent’s, HeavyD’s and PigPen’s posts. Thanks all so much! BTW, PP – you guys are not hijacking my thread. And, even if you were, always feel free to if it helps someone. Promise?
Journaling:
1. Sunday 7/12 “knucklehead” me decides to send a “pulse check” text to my wife.
2. Sunday 7/12 (late) she replies, and it hurts.
3. Monday 7/13 I post both texts to my thread. Had an IC appointment that night that went well.
4. Tuesday 7/14 I worked a very, very long day. Too tired to even login.
5. Tuesday 7/14 I placed a book I received while attending a MS Care-Giver’s Support Group on our kitchen counter. I attached a note to my W indicating I got it from the Support Group (which she never knew I attended) and she could have it if she wants. I mentioned I found that our situation is NOT unique and I found the book encouraging.
6. Wednesday 7/15 This is the day my wife planned on stopping by our place to pick up summer clothes, etc.
7. Wednesday 7/15 I meet for dinner after work with a long-time female friend (truly friends only) and had a great time.
8. Wednesday 7/15 I get home from dinner, and my wife had been there. Did not take anything of mine. But she did take the book and note. No, I did not see it in the trash.  I’m not making much of it, but found it interesting. At the very least, I know she took the time to read the little note I attached to the book.
9. Thursday 7/16 Another super-busy day at work. Beats not having a job!
I hope you are all hanging in there. I guess I should just wait to hear from my wife at this point, ??
Love, Bob
Hi Bob - all sounding good. As for your last comment...'waiting to hear from your W' doesn't sound like the best place to be. Remember - you are the prize!!!
Why not just presume you won't be hearing from her for some time and enjoy moving forward with your own life - which I think you are doing well BTW....
The thing I think you still need to work on are these urges to 'poke the bear.' I would leave your W well alone for the time being....
Take care xx
Hi Bob. No, your not to wait on W for anything !!! Bob is too busy to be waiting for anyone ( except those 3 ladies !! )
PMA PMA PMA PMA PMA. Repeat Bob , lots
Stay strong Bob
Take care. Rd
No poking! Keeping busy is good, and let her come to you!
Remember, ACT AS IF!
*hugs*
E
For the love of God, you better be sitting on your hands for 4 weeks!!! I'm holding you to this goal here. peering at you closely
For the love of God, you better be sitting on your hands for 4 weeks!!! I'm holding you to this goal here. peering at you closely
Can you even imagine how well designed and succinct the sentence going to be that lets you know that Wonka is upset with you?!!
That alone would have me sitting on my hands for 4 weeks. In fear.
Stay strong Bob.
PP
Toots... "poke the bear..." that's my biggest struggle! I get it, Bob. You love her. I love her. We ARE the prizes! So hard to just give them to God, isn't it???
I can't speak to my wife right now because of a court order but reading this thread is helping me to prepare for what I have do in the near future. Thanks for sharing.
Sit on those hands! You don't want to make Wonka mad. No waiting! Move forward.
Gr8ful
Edit - Start a new thread - Cadet
All, I did not get to log on last night. I see my thread has 107 posts! Starting thread 12!
Link to thread 12:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2589056#Post2589056