I wish I found this site, and book a couple years ago...
The BD was in May 2013, and it was clear that the EA was in full swing with OM. We went to MC and had some success that was followed by a "weekend getaway". We never fully recovered, and the EA started back up, and by June 2014 the BD again. We ended up at Retrouvaille, and things seemed to be improving, however, after less than a month the EA was happening again. It has been a long couple of years. I started reading the book a month ago, and a few weeks ago I really got to the point that we had a fight, and I pushed saying, "make a choice, because I am done being cake..." She seems decided to move forward with a D. I am focused on continuing to DB, and try to minimize the impact on my children.
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).
Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Good luck NPY,
It is amazing that you have made it this long. From what I understand about EA's they shut down for a while and all it takes is one message and they are in full swing again. Sounds like this is what is happening with your wife. My wife has been having an EA for 3 months and has filed for D. She tried to shut it down on a couple of occasions for a week and then it fired right back up. I know it is hard to see her having and EA. Has she been exposed to her family and friends? Is it a long distance EA. Do you know that it has not become a PA?
I should have given some more background... We were high school sweathearts that got married while still in college. We have 3 kids S14, S11, and D6. We have been married almost 17 years.
She has been exposed fully in the last week to her family etc... It is not a long distance relationship, and based on all the information I have it has not become a PA. I thought after all this time that the OM would have moved on...
I think part of the reason he has not moved on is because it has not been exposed. Part of the thrill is keeping it a secret. They get an adrenaline rush from it. Now that she is exposed she will probably move a little closer to him at first. This is because she thinks he is the one that really understands her.
I exposed my wife and she just took it underground more--Bought a burner phone, created secret Skype and gmail accounts. Once I exposed her the second time she filed for divorce 2 days later. Her family told her to just divorce me if she was not going to stop the affair. They told her she was just hurting everyone. Of course, this is typical family behavior and is not what she should be doing considering we have two little kids.
I sent messages to his sisters and mother telling them of the affair. I feel like it all needs to be exposed before things can move on. Now I am going to start the detaching and GAL.
Is the OM Married? Do his friends and family know?
The OM is divorced, and like many good EA's it started when he was going through his D. The ironic thing is that he was the "victim" of a PA in his marriage that led in part to his D. She teaches at a small religious school, and we live in a small town. The "fantasy" is going to unravel... I am really working on detaching, exercising, focusing on the kids and the big goal for today is to avoid logging into Facebook whatsoever.
The OM is divorced, and like many good EA's it started when he was going through his D. The ironic thing is that he was the "victim" of a PA in his marriage that led in part to his D. She teaches at a small religious school, and we live in a small town. The "fantasy" is going to unravel... I am really working on detaching, exercising, focusing on the kids and the big goal for today is to avoid logging into Facebook whatsoever.
She's most likely violating the code of conduct required for her job. I'm not advocating church discipline here on DB but wonder if it's a consideration or in process. She shouldn't be allowed to continue teaching at a religious institution while remaining defiant to it's likely foundational principles. Even if you didn't want to do it at some point the children need protection from her.
I have thought about that, but not something I want to pursue at this point. It would be a catalyst to her waking up and realizing the true impact of her actions.
I have thought about that, but not something I want to pursue at this point. It would be a catalyst to her waking up and realizing the true impact of her actions.
Good idea not to pursue that potential issue. It will make you look manipulative.
What were the issues in your marriage? You have been dealing with this situation for a long time. What have you changed to become a better husband?
Look, the affair(s) is the symptom of the problem(s). Many of us become complacent, which leaves our relationships vulnerable. That's why it is so important to address the issues within yourself, no matter the outcome of your sitch.
I have thought about that, but not something I want to pursue at this point. It would be a catalyst to her waking up and realizing the true impact of her actions.
Good idea not to pursue that potential issue. It will make you look manipulative.
I don't care how it looks to NPY's wife, if one of my kids were in that classroom and I was paying tuition for my children to go to a religious school with certain standards in place I would want to know if any of my children's teacher was living an alternative lifestyle.
I don't care how it looks to NPY's wife, if one of my kids were in that classroom and I was paying tuition for my children to go to a religious school with certain standards in place I would want to know if any of my children's teacher was living an alternative lifestyle.
That's fine. You have every right to feel that way. He already made a decision, so it isn't even worth discussing.
I am sorry for what you are going through, it sounds like a very rough 2 years + for you. That is a long time! I am new here and don't have any good advice, except to say that you are right to focus on your children and yourself right now. They need a stable parent, so take care of yourself. I am learning that lesson myself, actually having more fun with my kids than I have in a long time, they need it and I need it.
I have been enjoying the renewed focus on spending time with the kids. I did make it all day without logging into Facebook yesterday and today, so far. We have been talking about going to a mediator, and I expected her to talk to me yesterday about setting up a time for that, but she didn't bring it up last night, so I am not sure what she is thinking... She has been sleeping on the couch, and two nights ago I gave her a fist bump as I went to bed (with confidence in a jovial manner), and I did that again last night as well which she complied with non-grudgingly... I have been trying to be busy at home, going for a walk etc, and the only time we were together was dinner with the kids, and an hour or so we were each on a couch in the living room (only limited talking about kids)... I hope I am doing ok with the DB stuff...
npy,
There is a whole lot of info that you are leaving out. Makes it hard for us to help you.
You mentioned that you began reading the book about a month ago. I can only assume DB/DR. What have you learned from reading the book? Has it helped you change any of your behaviors?
Curious to still know what were the issues in your marriage before things began to unravel? Have you changed?
If you were to take a picture of your situation when things fell apart, and compare it to a picture as things currently stand, does it look different?
My point is this, you have to take the lead in making changes within yourself. That is within your control. When that happens, you change the dynamics of your relationship.
Hello npy,
First, let me say that I am sorry for the situation you are in.
You need to focus on YOU and your kids. DBing needs to be a full time proposition and you can start by focusing on what you have control over.
It would be extremely helpful to know what your next move should be, especially before you speak with a mediator. Please call me to discuss our program at 303-444-7004.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
I am going to try and provide some more clarity around the situation...
The EA started at a time when I was in a very bad spot. I was depressed due to being financially overwhelmed, job issues, etc. I know that I wasn't treating my wife very nice, and we weren't having any fun whatsoever. I actually remember during this time saying things like I feel depressed, however, we never went to any MC or anything. She started talking to OM during this struggle for me.
The BD in May of 2013 is what "woke me up" to the fact that I had everything out-of-balance in my life and caused many changes to my overall perspective emotionally, financially, and most important spiritually. I think it was in July 2013 that my wife stated that I was the happiest I had been in a long time, even though my life was falling apart.
Since that time the lingering issue has become the fact that the EA has its grips on her. We went to Retrouvaille in July 2014 and afterwards she made it 25ish days without talking to him. We had a glimmer of our "good life" back although I know she was in pain due to the separation of the EA. We took our family to Disney World in Aug 2014, and had the best trip ever (we go a lot). She is completely addicted to talking to him, and has stated many times that she has tried to stop talking to him many times, but she can't. As a teacher she has had one of his kids for the last 3 years, so I think somewhere along the line I gave up trying to get her to break it up... I knew that if she said goodbye on one day then the next day she would have some legitimate need to talk to him about one of his kids etc. If not, then he would make sure to show up at school, and initiate conversation...
Things have come to a head over the last several weeks in part, because I have read DB... I have started to initiate some boundaries (your check needs to help cover cell and internet, because I am done enabling this communication). We had the big fight (3 weeks ago) where I was drunk and really told her that she needed to choose, because I was tired of this situation. It has been a long two years, and I fully accept responsibility for my wrong behavior during this, but I feel this was the culmination of 2+ years of frustration...
We had a talk last night, and at one point she says that she is crazy for wanting to leave because of the wonderful life that we have. However, she would be staying for all the wrong reasons (kids, lifestyle, etc)... I probably did the wrong thing by talking to her, but in this new world of talking about a divorce she seems to be the most "clear-headed" that she has been in quite some time.
I realized last night that we haven't had enough laughter in our relationship, because of all the underlying tension. As I was heading to bed I gave her the fist bump, and then winked at her. She laughed and said, "see you in the morning"... I need to keep focusing on being upbeat, and positive even as she says she wants a D.
I am starting to feel that I should just accept the D and move on
I am starting to feel that I should just accept the D and move on
Before you "move on" - "move forward".
Fix yourself and become the person that only a fool would leave.
Then you can decide to "move on" later.
I am starting to feel that I should just accept the D
Yes. You have no control over whether it happens or not. Accept that it's a possibility. She may file. She may not.
Do you want to move on? That's up to you.
Just because she files for D, doesn't mean you have to move on. You can choose to. But you don't have to.
Thanks for the positive comment... I needed that this morning
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
We attended a baseball game last night (work event for me) with the kids, and we all seemed to have a nice time. I am holding on to the phrase, "be the person that only a fool would leave." It was nice to be out as a family with some laughter, and joking included between all of us...
We had a good night again last night. W made dinner, and we had some normal conversation around the standard day-to-day topics. I was expecting there to be some talk about scheduling a session with a mediator, but it wasn't mentioned, so not sure if she is working on that or not... I am just keeping my chin up and really trying to recreate the life we had when things were going good as mentioned in DB. I should be picking up DR today, so I will be reading some of that this weekend.
I picked up DR and read quite a bit this weekend... It seems to make more sense than DB, so if somebody is debating I would recommend DR based on what I have read so far.
I wrote some goals...
We need to increase the laughter in our relationship, enjoy each other's company, and talk about more than D or the kids.
Increase trust, especially about the motives behind what I am saying. For example, she thinks when I talk about what finances look like post D that I am trying to be controlling and forcing her to decide to stay. - I could use some advice, but my strategies for this are to stay positive, and try to create solutions to these perceived issues when they are discussed. Also, to avoid bringing up the topics that put me at a disadvantage due to the fact that I am looking at reality and her EA has her in a fog.
I would like her to reach out to me once a day with a kind gesture (call, text, a friendly remark, etc).
I started a DR log, and we had a couple of decent days as I compare to the goals above. Also, yesterday we were together much of the day, and had no fights/disagreements whatsoever.
Now, I just have to stay patient, positive, and motivated to keep up the DB work...
Just got a call from the W... She setup an initial consultation with mediator for tomorrow morning... *sigh*
We had our meeting this morning... It was pretty uneventful, and just an initial consultation. The W and I had some discussion on things afterwards, and it is clear that she is having bouts of sadness regarding the fact that she will miss me, her house, etc. It doesn't seem to be enough to wake her up, but I will keep up the DB efforts. At one point she said, deciding to stay should be easy, but I am sure with the EA with the OM there is internal conflict. On a positive note, she did say that I am looking nicer, so the exercise and weight loss seems to be paying off. Must have patience...
I am struggling today... Why is it some days I feel strong, focused and that this effort is all worth it, and other days I feel like why bother - cut her loose, and move on? I hope this is normal, but it is exhausting...
I haven't posted in awhile now...
We sat down tonight, and talked about how to divide stuff in preparation for her going to the lawyer next week. I expect her to file next week, so we will see what happens. The conversation was civil, but it is sickening to see what D will do to our kids, their activities, and our finances.
Oh well - I am going to try to keep up the DB, and hope for the 2x4 wake-up at some point...
Nph, i am having the same issue. Just want it to end sometimes and then I change my mind.
Yes - that is it exactly... My faith is shaken (I went to church to pray after our discussion), and I often feel like why am I even trying to DB at this point. At this point it is her loss...
Is she aware of these changes that will take place, especially for the children? Is separation not an option - do you have to go right to D?
If she has any doubts, it would make sense to err on the side of preserving her M... but I guess she doesn't see that.
She is lucky that you are still there.
Yes - that is it exactly... My faith is shaken (I went to church to pray after our discussion), and I often feel like why am I even trying to DB at this point. At this point it is her loss...
Hey npy
Your DBing, because you are realising that you need a tool that is going to help you save yourself. DBing is putting the oxygen mask on yourself first, and then on everyone else you love. That's your business and and what you have control and influence over in this moment, in the coming days. When your mask is on, you can help your kids. As for wife she needs to put her own mask on.
You got this npy! You really do, put your mask on and get ready for a bumpy ride! But know we are all right here beside you, feeling the bumps and waiting for that cruising altitude again.
Jellyxxx
NPY, if you provide some information in your signature line it will help others to have an idea of your sitch.