My story is very straightforward.
I was in a very verbally, emotionally and financially abusive M with a compulsive who gambled, drank and played far too much golf, watched far too much sport. And chased POW.
My earlier threads are as much about me coming to terms with this and the DB which helped me set boundaries and face the issues.
I still stand for the values in my M and for me. WH has gone from the Big House which is up for sale. I am almost 100% NC apart from a couple of very minor admin Fins.
I am going to D in July 2015.
I have flashbacks and Trauma. My DB journey to mental and physical health is just beginning, I am here for a long time to DB and heal.
V
Unanswered posts last thread: following Aged P support of V and disclosing some drunk driving by WH with Aged P in his car. aged Pa is 94 aged Ma is 89 and has dementia.
Dearest V,
I get the looking back. I know you are hoping to learn something and find some place for the bewildered thoughts to go. I spend an awful lot of time trying to do the same.
It's like being in a funhouse, looking at all those distorted reflections in the mirror and wondering where the real image is, and how you might see it next time. I think it would be very hard to have been locked in such a 'funhouse' and step into broad daylight and look only forward.
My friends and family, probably like yours, saw that something was 'off' but because we were happy and in love...wanted to support the M.
There is nothing wrong with you, that you didn't see or know, or hear...I promise! The world is full of good people who mind their own business and want to see their loved ones happy.
Hi Vanillia. I get your wanting to know a long time ago but I'm not sure you would have been ready. Only you can judge that I have been amazed at the decline in your H's behaviour since the start. I can some what understand the nasty thoughts because I have had them re my EXW but having thoughts and acting on them are two very different things
Your Pa will always want what's best for his little girl but he has to temper what he says with the information he has and or believes. Your H seemed to be hiding a very dark side and even when glimpses of that side are seen it can be very easy for someone observing to dismiss if behaviour is not consistent
Since you kindly helped me in my sitch I've seen you as a very kind and gentle lady who treats others with respect and love. You gave H every benefit of the doubt. You stood for your M longer than most under the circumstances and I have n doubt you love the man that H was or could have been
Looking back now about time frame or what others thought ( even wonderful
P )'serves no purpose The here and now are all that matters. Vanillia is starting from today , business will get back on track , you are helping other with Abuse thread and others like myself , you GAL like a god and at the end of every day you are Vanillia , you are a very lucky lady and we are all very lucky on here to have got the chance to meet you
Take extra care today special Vanillia Hugs and kisses. Rd
V
V,
Love your Pa! Wonderful man.
I am curious about the system over in the UK. Have the counselors experienced working with survivors who have completely obliterated their abusers out of their lives successfully? If yes, what are the stats?
Thanks Wonka
I have asked both healing hurt and the Freedom Program (both UK charities dealing with Domestic Abuse) for research material. I will précis and give you references if I can. Both have promised an email. The Freedom Program is UK government sponsored initiative.
All of these programs recommend NC for the abused spouse and protected visitation for children of the Union. The new divorce system in the UK gives faster divorce for proven domestic abuse/uncontested divorce and judges can award instantaneous exclusion orders. The abuse programs have developed from helping either the abuser or the target to helping either or both.
Additionally the incidence of domestic abuse in male marriage is higher that that of mixed couples. No one as yet as far as I am aware has truly studied this development in great depth but I am going to research and see what emerges.
It may take a little time but I am on the case.
In the meantime my project is to accumulate technique terms, and I was considering if this would be better as a new thread, an addition to definitions or on the abuse thread.
V
I am currently working on this project.
V
You, my dear lady V, are an inspiration as always! I like what you said about being here to continue DB for you. That is why I stay too. My D has been final for months and I'm trying to pick up the pieces and move on but I still stand for marriage. My X is gone from my life, but I'm not giving up on love and marriage, just learning to move ahead as a single lady again and lots of DB principles really are good for the healing process.
You are one amazing lady and I'm so pleased that I encountered you here. Your positive attitude, your drive and your determination despite your circumstances are just totally awe-inspiring.
Big hugs and so glad you are still here. Much love, V!
Just had to stop by and spread some love on your new thread. Let's hope these new pages bring happier times to you V. Thinking of you as always.
Hugs
Karma
Zelda
Some days are ok, I function but can't perform. At least I am doing something. Other days I flaff and fluff and I get nothing done.
I panic and feel exhausted, permanent hard knots of anxiety. My stomach feels like there is a solid rock in it. My heart is heavy, my knees hurt.
The weather is good but I don't want to be outside. Mainly I feel like resting but I still don't feel less tired.
I go GAL and there are moments when it's ok, brief glimpses of normality.
This is not about WH, it is about being.
I haven't checked my email for a week, there could be time bombs.
I let myself off the hook for this, I know it has to be, it is part of the trauma healing process and I must face it down. I accept that joylessness is part of the pain. I will get as much from this as I can, it's part of life.
Today is another day, I want to be well, extreme care. I have given up sugar, alcohol goes completely too. Exercise will come next.
I want to be really well, I want to eat, glow and nourish, but it seems like too much like hard work and I will just have to push through it.
I have been reading books about abuse, whilst that fixes some ideas other thoughts emerge. It takes two to Tango, you can't be abused without your consent. But that's not my experience, at the point I said I will not be abused, it worsened, I changed I set boundaries. I tried almost everything I could, every technique. I looked at posture, tone, neutrality, grey breeze block, STFU, walk away, coolness, responses, anger return, withdrawal, and validating. And I prayed for guidance for WH to stop because he wanted to stop.
I tried intervention, VSO support and counselling. I consulted, discussed, sought help from my higher power.
At the end of the day all I have is NC, pitch black but that hasn't stopped it. The wretch turns up unexpectedly, texts and rants. All about money.
This abuser abuses, did I train him this was rewarding, is it in him?
At this point I do not care why, I just want it to stop.
V
RD
Your words are very comforting. The one thing that I know is that I can no longer be naive, unknowing and innocent.
I was taught to believe in Miller's principle, as a senior manager that was my training,
"In order to understand what another is saying, we assume there is truth in it and decide what can be true"
Then we apply that rule in reverse and ask why we ask what is false and ask "what is wrong with the other". This stops us from closing down and from rejecting the other. The abuser targets those who give the benefit of the doubt, who question themselves.
In most circumstances this extra fly on the wall helps me, it is successful in the working world it helps me move forwards to build bridges with clients and staff. It work for me, but it is an impediment, a different choice is needed. The 100% rule, so I have had to learn there are times when the Miller Principle is a principle not a law. It is not immutable.
I must move forwards in my thinking, a costly lesson.
I decided this, I will not participate in abuse, by counter attacking (screaming banshee), by discussion or logic, and by pleading or asking for it to stop. All of this is a 'win' for an abuser. Validating doesn't help but it neutralises, it deescalates that abuse incident, but the abuser then raises the bar. It was ineffective last time so increase the abuse.
Much as I would like to really dislike WH or get revenge I can't. I don't feel sorry for WH, this is his choice of behaviour.
Abuse is dangerous for most abusers, WH is hostile and extistentially lonely, he has few friends and little support. WH gets pleasure or reward from abusing or he would stop doing it, he doesn't want to give it up.
Research tells me that:
For all illnesses and injuries an important risk factor is exposure to hostility and loneliness and it takes longer to recover. Hostility almost guarantees loneliness, no one really wants to be around an angry person. Those who are abusive around children have verbally abusive grandchildren and adult dysfunctional children.
I am doing my trauma work, I know adrenalin lasts about 15 minutes give or take 5 depending on blood dosage, a hormone in my blood which will clear. the anxiety attack will pass, all things will pass.
H played a staged strategy, firstly, I am your friend, but talks about me and crickets me to others, behaves one way to my face and another behind my back. He tells me the bad things others say, gives double messages, undermines my confidence in myself. Then it escalated in that he pointed out my weaknesses, diminished my accomplishments, is indignantly justifying feigns hurt. Put me down to others. When that didn't work, he got angrier and angrier and when drunk or under the influence was unbearable. Like a smiling crocodile at its prey.
He calculated it, but eventually even a peaceable V listened to her heart, her friends and family.
WH knows what he does, he is not unconcious of it.
He escalated to regain control and get his resources back. WH will move on to another target, he has to do it. He has little choice as he is without resources now.
I am here repairing the damage.
With my personal loving IC RD, who has been there in some of my darkest hours. At least now I know so the puzzlement is gone.
Thank you RD
V
Dawn
I see you on the road ahead of me, moving forward in recovery and it inspires me that this is possible. There is much to learn and grow from.
My journey is just beginning. I, too find great comfort in you and that you have chosen to continue on your path.
And so it is.
Peace and love kind friend
V
Karma,
The recovery will happen when it does. Thank you for your support, I love your attitude to your sitch and the delicious humour.
V
V,
I do understand. In the states we are celebrating our independence day. I am thinking of you today, happy Independence Day. You are free! Let his crap bounce off you, and I hope you enjoy a beautiful day.
Big healing hug to you V.
I'm sorry your H is still causing you trauma. He most certainly is addicted to V and causing you problems. What a nightmare you are trapped in.
Your H will have to find someone else to abuse soon. Once he realizes that he can't get his fix from you he will inevitably have to move on, I've seen this numerous times with stalking and obsession cases. Your full dark NC rule is perfect. Eventually his attention will shift. Prepare yourself to wait out this storm and it will pass.
No sugar and alcohol sounds like a great start to your own physical strength. Put as many eggs into that self care basket as you can right now.
You are in my prayers and thoughts V. Today is Independence Day here in the states and I pray for yours. It will come. Hang tough V.
Much love,
PP
Hey V! Stopping by to lend some support, to remind you to take care of yourself. You are an amazing woman.
Hi Vanillia. Any help I have given you has been repaid 100 times over.
Time to let go of the past and heal. You deserve it
Take care. Rd
Zelda
Some days are ok, I function but can't perform. At least I am doing something. Other days I flaff and fluff and I get nothing done.
I panic and feel exhausted, permanent hard knots of anxiety. My stomach feels like there is a solid rock in it. My heart is heavy, my knees hurt.
The weather is good but I don't want to be outside. Mainly I feel like resting but I still don't feel less tired.
I go GAL and there are moments when it's ok, brief glimpses of normality.
This is not about WH, it is about being.
I haven't checked my email for a week, there could be time bombs.
I let myself off the hook for this, I know it has to be, it is part of the trauma healing process and I must face it down. I accept that joylessness is part of the pain. I will get as much from this as I can, it's part of life.
Today is another day, I want to be well, extreme care. I have given up sugar, alcohol goes completely too. Exercise will come next.
I want to be really well, I want to eat, glow and nourish, but it seems like too much like hard work and I will just have to push through it.
I have been reading books about abuse, whilst that fixes some ideas other thoughts emerge. It takes two to Tango, you can't be abused without your consent. But that's not my experience, at the point I said I will not be abused, it worsened, I changed I set boundaries. I tried almost everything I could, every technique. I looked at posture, tone, neutrality, grey breeze block, STFU, walk away, coolness, responses, anger return, withdrawal, and validating. And I prayed for guidance for WH to stop because he wanted to stop.
I tried intervention, VSO support and counselling. I consulted, discussed, sought help from my higher power.
At the end of the day all I have is NC, pitch black but that hasn't stopped it. The wretch turns up unexpectedly, texts and rants. All about money.
This abuser abuses, did I train him this was rewarding, is it in him?
At this point I do not care why, I just want it to stop.
V
You are doing fantastic and you are an inspiration to many of us. WH is a broken man who needs to break down others to feel ok about his own brokenness, and v is strong, complete and has the tools to put her life back together better going dark is the best thing you have to avoid having him sabotaging your progress. Those who cannot build themselves up knock others down.
I am realizing this about H. He never was h a lot I got my job even that was all he said he wanted was to me to get a job like that to take the pressure off him. When I got it he mocked me for having to stay so late and said that I am going to fail. I believed him and it happened. He brought ow around into my kids life to show I was incapable of being superior and doing my job. I believed him and let my job suffer so I could reclaim my family from her skanky hands. Cutting me down so he could feel like less of a failure. We might not have realized what was happening at the time, but now that we do it is time to make sure they can never cut us down again.
On those days when it feels like too much work to meet your goals set a smaller goal just for that day. It's about progress. If you have 10 things you want to accomplish and can only one of those it is still progress.
There is a goal setting system called tiny habits. The focus is to choose tiny goals rather than focusing on the big picture. So instead of saying "I will run 5k today" instead say "I will put my running shoes on". That is easy to do, and once those running shoes it is easier to say, I am going outside . It's little goals like that. Tiny successes that keeps you going. So rather than thinking no sugar ever, think I will not put sugar in my coffe right now. Staying in the moment is all we have, especially on those days when something as getting out of bed in the morning feels like more than we can handle. Those days I think, all I have to do is put my feet on the floor, that's it. Once those feet are on the floor, standing up seems a bit easier.
Zelda
Some days are ok, I function but can't perform. At least I am doing something. Other days I flaff and fluff and I get nothing done.
I panic and feel exhausted, permanent hard knots of anxiety. My stomach feels like there is a solid rock in it. My heart is heavy, my knees hurt.
The weather is good but I don't want to be outside. Mainly I feel like resting but I still don't feel less tired.
I go GAL and there are moments when it's ok, brief glimpses of normality.
This is not about WH, it is about being.
I haven't checked my email for a week, there could be time bombs.
I let myself off the hook for this, I know it has to be, it is part of the trauma healing process and I must face it down. I accept that joylessness is part of the pain. I will get as much from this as I can, it's part of life.
Today is another day, I want to be well, extreme care. I have given up sugar, alcohol goes completely too. Exercise will come next.
I want to be really well, I want to eat, glow and nourish, but it seems like too much like hard work and I will just have to push through it.
I have been reading books about abuse, whilst that fixes some ideas other thoughts emerge. It takes two to Tango, you can't be abused without your consent. But that's not my experience, at the point I said I will not be abused, it worsened, I changed I set boundaries. I tried almost everything I could, every technique. I looked at posture, tone, neutrality, grey breeze block, STFU, walk away, coolness, responses, anger return, withdrawal, and validating. And I prayed for guidance for WH to stop because he wanted to stop.
I tried intervention, VSO support and counselling. I consulted, discussed, sought help from my higher power.
At the end of the day all I have is NC, pitch black but that hasn't stopped it. The wretch turns up unexpectedly, texts and rants. All about money.
This abuser abuses, did I train him this was rewarding, is it in him?
At this point I do not care why, I just want it to stop.
V
Hi V,
I'm sorry you are struggling still. I wanted to say a couple things.
First, you did not train him by allowing him to reap rewards from abusing you. He had those tendencies long, long before. His addictions may have gotten worse during the years with you, and that may have lead to him becoming more abusive, but that's also not something you had any control over.
The "two to tango" notion is about allowing it to continue (or even escalate - but the escalation is a combination of the dance and other factors in the abuser's life) and creating the particular dynamics within a particular relationship. As you are already aware, you behaved in ways that gave him a short term fix to soothe his wounds and sent him signals that you didn't deserve to be treated otherwise. I know you are exploring your side of things via reading (& from reading your posts, a very smart lady), but I hope you also get counseling with someone who has training with abuse survivors to address your part of the dynamic for a future healthy relationship.
That said, when the abused finally says no, the abuser often reacts by escalating. What does that tell us? If it were just the accumulation of unconscious habits built off of dynamics in your M, and he really loved you, he would have been shocked into facing the reality and would have shown remorse and tried to fix at least some of his ways. I know that I've done some things because of my own problems that were emotionally abusive at times to my W (it really is hard for this not to happen a bit given male/female socialization in our cultures). When confronted with it, I woke up, apologized repeatedly and profusely, took responsibility for my words, worked on correcting any behavior, and did the hard work at facing what in my beliefs and my problems contributed to this. Not great DBing in most cases (which is the irony of this - you do the right thing, but it further hurts your M). Is that what your H did? Nope. Your H is clearly a deeply damaged serial abuser. You had confirmation when he didn't stop that he is not someone capable of healthy love and you did the right thing to take steps to get out and close the door.
At some point, for your own sake, you will want to find a way to forgive him by understanding how deeply he was mistreated as a child (this is where he is coming from) and how the man you did honestly love and find something attractive about is not, and likely will not, ever know a healthy loving relationship. But that is for sometime in the distant future.
For right now, going dark, taking any legal measures to protect yourself from stalking or unregulated contact, and dealing with the traumas and wounds left to you are all that matters. I haven't been able to read back over all your threads, so maybe you are doing some of this and will excuse my suggestions, but IC & finding a support group from women victims of abuse are really important.
You clearly show signs of PTSD (the traumas can be cumulative and not just from one-off events). I won't try to diagnose (not appropriate nor am I qualified) you as such, but you do show many classic signs. Finding support in a group of fellow survivors where you can do all the physically intimate support (cry, laugh, hug, rage together, etc.) is something most people in your sitch find really, really helpful at getting their life functioning again. Some kind of body work (yoga is the go to for this) can be therapeutic as will (this is backed by a growing literature for abuse/trauma victims). Still, IC with someone with training & experience with abuse survivors is a key piece to figuring out what fears and beliefs lead you to dance the dance with an abuser and how to make sure you are building for a healthy next R.
You are a brave soul and have done something wonderful in turning your pain into a means to help others here who are facing the same or similar abuse. In reading your recent post where your reading of abuse literature points brings out the two to tango message, please, please, please don't turn that message into a reason to blame yourself, add shame onto the pain you are already feeling, or see it as you having defects that made this possible. That isn't what the message is. It is one of thinking how you can break the cycle now and in future Rs. We all have "defective" beliefs, habits, and fears that make us all vulnerable to abuse. Those are things that grew out of your early years as a child and your relationship with your parents (don't blame that 5 year-old self for developing some fears, beliefs, and habits to protect herself when love wasn't available), and they are deepened in the way our culture(s) socialize young women into certain roles with certain beliefs and habits. Again, that isn't your fault. You allowed yourself to be abused, and that is a painful enough demon to wrestle with, but don't ever make it your fault. This is one of those situations where taking responsibility to change is better served by recognizing that it was not something to about you for which you deserve blame or shame. It is about seeing all the ways in which you were vulnerable to this and recognizing where they came from so you can effectively work on those habits and trainings. Recognizing the role of socialization of women, recognizing the role of your family of origin, recognizing the core beliefs about the way the world should be, recognizing how you developed certain coping strategies as a child that you carry with you to this day (as we all do), require that we let go of blaming ourselves to see the bigger picture of how we arrived to where we are and how so much of who we are (for better or worse) is not our fault.
Good luck with your struggles. We're rooting for you across our digital bridges to you.
V, like Jim, I find it hard to post here lately. I do check in to see how things are going with you. Part of me doesn't post because I feel that I can't offer you much...the other part of me finds it hard to reach out over this medium.
I want to give you empathy...but since learning about NVC, I know that empathy is about more than relating experiences. Empathy is about creating a space for you to be able to share your experiences and for us to listen with giraffe ears and hear your wants and needs. What I hear is someone who is wanting to make sense of things past...and I suppose that's all of us in one way or another.
You will get there, lovely V. Forgo the sugar and vino if you must, but never the cheeeeese. I'll really start to worry about you if you give up the cheeese!
Gan , Jim
I wanted quickly to address the posting issue as I suspect their are more board members who find this difficult.
There could be a number of reasons I think, but this is how I see it. I decided (rightly or wrongly) to be completely open. Gg and Z have been amazing to me and brave, Scherman and our lovely mustardseed are exposed, if we are going to make this issue one which is capable of acknowledgement then the confusion and difficulty are exposing our vulnerability.
It's hard to post about so I can really know it's hard to read about and respond to. I expect that.
If in their own sitch, board members recognise elements there can be denial or confusion.
In addition at the moment I have few answers, I couldn't change the abuse or stop it and I haven't recovered from it. That's hard to know for me and the distress is obvious to me and all my friends and family. I hope not to H.
It will take time and I trust that's ok. I promise to work hard to recover and to try everything. Some things will work better than others.
I am grateful that you read and consider my confusion. Pray for me and wish those of us who work with abuse in our sitch recovery, that is for those with compulsions, addictions and those affected by it. I value that gratefully and with gratitude.
The odd 2x4 is helpful too.......
Cheeeeese is handy, if you come across Liam on your travels, grrrrr
Tons of hugs
V
Z, PP, thank you for your support and comfort.
RD, my special friend, much peace to you and your fabulous family, I think of your joy and life together and it gives me great peace.
Sunny, lovely to see you posting, thank you.
V
Msd and ast there is much in your posts for me to think about.
Ast, I have few childhood issues so this abuse hasn't really stemmed from FOO issues and I am definitely not codependent. This is simply about being taken in by a man with compulsive issues and being naive and trusting.
That is why in my IC view I awakened very early to the abuse and started to set boundaries which escalated the abuse very quickly. DB helped me break free and identify the trauma but yes I am left with Trauma Bonding and PTSD. Of that I have no doubt at all, my doctor tells me my cortisol level is almost the highest he has ever seen.
I will get through it though, I am resilient and have survived the death of a spouse, a miscarriage, a stillbirth and an (amicable) divorce. This is another life step and I can rebuild.
I am lucky, very lucky, I am loved, I have many friends, I have a business, I have a home, a white van, a little old red convertible, my 12 steps, DB, my IC, my Gamanon and my higher power.
And I have the wisdom of the DB posters and their gentleness.
I understand Msd about small goals, my goals are grand and there will be success along the way, my performance will return in time, as will yours, this is a small set back Msd. I take great confidence from you and the work you did in those last months at your job, how you kept going and growing until the very last moment. The lessons you learned in your growth. How you plan your fins, one amazing lady.
V
Hi Vanillia I really wish you could be an aunt to my kids. Your a very specail
Lady and my boys and girls would benefit greatly from such an I redie lady in their lives.
Your kindness and love for you into a situation with H You can call it what you will but a more calculating and callouss person might have seen warning signs where your saw weakness and a troubled H. I would ask to to think more along these lines than others. Your a very good person who tried to offer support and love where you thought it was needed
Take care and give yourself a pass Rd. xxxx
Incredible lady. Bloody iPhone
And fat fingers in my case!
Thank you RD
V
And fat fingers in my case!
Dear V,
LOL! I have that problem, too.
I rarely disagree with Rd and he is spot on again.
I wish you well.
Bob xo
V,
Thanks so much for the suggested text reply! You are so good.
I would like to dedicate a prayer to you for your situation and all the help you give others on the board.
Bob xo
Dear V
Abusers often are very sweet and kind when u first get to know them. It shows they can control their behaviours when they want too. It is once you are emotionally attached that the ugly side rears its head. It is easy to look at your situation logically when you are not emotionally attached. Much harder when the head and heart don't agree.
You are showing courage as you take these steps into the unknown. Know that this will get better and your life will balance its self out again. As they say the only way to get to the other side is to go through what ever is ahead.
Thinking of you my brave friend
Hugs
Karma
I decided (rightly or wrongly) to be completely open. Gg and Z have been amazing to me and brave, Scherman and our lovely mustardseed are exposed, if we are going to make this issue one which is capable of acknowledgement then the confusion and difficulty are exposing our vulnerability.
V, you have my full support on this. YOU'VE been amazing to so many here just so you know. I've always had this picture of Lady V walking into a full ballroom, dressed in a glamorous white, sparkling gown, while everyone pauses to watch. There's an air about Lady V that is quite remarkable.
In terms of my difficulty posting here, I think part of it is my un-ease with knowing that the road ahead will be a long one for you. My instinct is to want to relieve you of this burden...but I obviously can't. We talked about this in my NVC practice group, how we tend to want to express empathy by relating our own experiences and sharing how we dealt with it...rather than just sitting with the person and being with them in their time of difficulty. The latter makes us feel uncomfortable, hence we try to relieve it. So I think I am just a bit stuck in that place...and so resort to cheeeeese jokes
I'm pretty sure the mooooose will find his way in, too.
Oh wait....
Good Evening V! Thought I would pop in and say HI!! I will have to get caught up on your thread. Thank you for your wonderful posts to me and helping me to keep going with my DBing.
hello Lady V, that for stopping by my thread and adding your $5 dollars worth...xxxJBxxx
Hi lovely V - just dropping by to say Hello, and wish you well. I hope you are managing to have a little more me time now things are more sorted with the house.
I agree with all the comments above - I think V is just great!!
Take care, T xx
I agree with all the comments above - I think V is just great!!
^^^^^^^ Loud applause! ^^^^^^
You're going to get through this, V. We will not give up on you.
Bob xoxo
Good Evening Lady V!!
I hope you had a good day. What is in store for this evening? D12 is feeling sick today, so I will be taking care of her tonight.
Thought I would stop in to see how things are going? Talk to you soon.
Bob,
Thank you for your care as always, I will do what I can to support you as always.
Toots, you say such lovely things on this occasion I am delighted and I am sometimes struggling to post on my thread.
Jelly, we have some intellectual thoughts on growth and psychology, which are always a delight to explore in a free flowing way.
V
Karma, there will be no more sweet cycle. I doubt if WH would ever believe it possible anyway. You are right there isn't much can be done except be aware.
Gan, I love the image of the dress, it's interesting many years ago in my hippy shoeless days I had a multilayered white shimmery cheesecloth dress with angel sleeves which I bought from a shop called Biba in London. I spent many hours sewing pearl beads and shimmery sequin butterflies on it. I felt beautiful in that dress. As pale as moonlight with waist length strawberry blonde hair. Oh and I had a braided headband, it was quite the rage.
I have accepted that it will take a long time to heal from this abuse, only I can walk this path and after I stumble a little or divert or feel distress, you have my full permission to walk a while and ease the journey. I understand your concern and difficulty with posting here and am so glad to have such a wise and gentle adventurous guide urging me to heal.
The Lady V thing has always amused me a little, Edz started this and there used to be a puppet show called stingray with a character called Lady P in it, I imagined that to be the slightly humorous Edz style reference. When I read it, it makes me smile. a quirky UK TV series with the catch phrase "thunderbirds are go". I am not an aristocrat more the supermarrionette character in the TV series.
I am truly blessed and surrounded by love here on the board.
Sandi if you are about, I still light the votive for your H and D every day.
As I meditate I think of my DB travellers and their problems, I ask my higher power to guide me.
V
Good Evening Lady V!!
I hope you had a good day. What is in store for this evening? D12 is feeling sick today, so I will be taking care of her tonight.
Thought I would stop in to see how things are going? Talk to you soon.
Is D12 ok? Have you visited the medic?
Any idea if this is a regular child thing or needs more treatment.
Catch up on your thread
V
I don't have much to say on the W.H front. I have cut all connections and I don't see or hear from him which is a great relief.
I am tired and anxious over my fins, so tired and not performing.
Developed an ulcer on my back which will need treatment, guess its my body ridding itself of the poisons it holds on to. I am relieved the ulcer is external not internal.
All of the toxicity I held is coming out of me, I am eating glow and nourish so I guess that is helping. I gave up sugar and today for the first time for one month I ate sweet biscuits. Will be the last I did not feel good on it.
Sleep is poor too, anxiety is high.
Must keep going and working hard, not stopping.
V
Better out than in..a saying down here in nz!
You are the the epitome of elegance, grace and kindness to all us all Lady V.
Thank you for being there for me, while you go through your journey.
A big hug to from across the planet. If you are ever down this way I would to share a wine and some awesome Nz cheeeeeses!
Lots of love xxJelly
Just got back from the doctors with ulcer. He suggested I go to the STD clinic and get tested.
Feeling devastated.
V
Awe Lady V, that is truely devastating indeed! Healing light and love to you. XxxxJB
So sorry V, hope everything works out for you. Sending prayers.
Hi Vanillia. Sorry I haven't posted for a while I hope you don't mind but I have a few observations
1. Your called lady V because that's what you are, a true lady Forget money or class structure. Ladies like yourself could be queens or tea ladies ( no disrespect intended to tea ladies). Your posts have a grace about them and your whole attitude makes you a true lady
2. You are pushing yourself WAY to hard. H is a mess , he's a liar ; hes twisted and not a healthy human being BUT he was your love. You will not get over that this week or next Let yourself grieve and accept that you loved H and couldn't see his faults and abuse.
3. And this is a biggie Health , health , health. !!!!!!! You can not push yourself as hard as you are and expect to stay healthy Vanillia , I have had the health issues and let go some stress You fins are not good but you will get there. Leave some creditors a little short , restructure debits and give yourself time. I picture you as a human Dynamo but that can't last forever Mental and physical health must come before all else If you continue to push as hard as you are , sickness will follow. Make time for you
4'. Vanillia appears to be dealing but have you any further contact re abuse I/C ?
While support from all on this board is invaluable , there is a time and place for proffersional help I remember cost was an issue before but maybe even get on a list for public ?
5. I hope you remember that Vanillia had absolutely no input into H ad his issues Vanillias only problem in all this was that she was too caring and too vanillia like
I see you look I g for answers and get an impression that you somehow feel that you should have seen what H was like sooner If I'm right then you must dismiss that from thought You were a caring loving W and supported H as you saw fit End of story We all see what we want at times and love is a force that takes over from reason as we all see on here
6. Thank you for being you. I've a few very goods friends on this board who have helped me through an incredibly trumatic time. You have always been there and given me sage advice and support throughout Thank you. If the WASs had half of what Lady V has none of us would be here
Hugs and kisses Rd. xxxx
VERY WELL put rd!! I second what rd has posted!!
Big hug to you today V!! Please rest and take care of yourself.
PP
I agree,
you have been so kind to all of us, now it is your time
V, I am so sorry to hear all this. I pray that everything works out for you. You are such a lovely person.
xoxo
Bob
Thank you for all of the healing posts. RD you are just my hero, who knows Liam may just have had his day as my hero Irish pin up. I did think about not mentioning this latest issue but decided that it was important for me to be open, although I am a little embarrassed. After the 'you are unattractive' rant last year and WH drunkeness I have not been carnal and as time went by I felt less like any connection let alone an intimate one. I really don't know my exposure, but doc says go get it checked then I can't ignore it.
I confess to tears today, sad bitter and burning tears. Then I read all your posts and I felt so supported that I decided to go take action.
I did go to the clinic, the pee test and swab were both clear (instant result). They will ring me by Friday morning on the blood test for HIV and syphilis. Unlikely to be bacterial (so many Antib re my teeth) and HIV is unlikely. So I think it is going to be a clean sweep. It's not been nice to do this and it is good to know. I was at risk with the fishwife on the scene.
I said the drama was over but it keeps coming back to haunt me. I am glad I didn't sit on this!
V
V
Its good you didnt wait, and that tests were negative today. We are all here with you, praying for good things for you. Sleep well tonight.
V, I'm happy for you in this strange way.
Thank you for all of your support these many months. I think of you every day.
Keep posting!
That's good V. Glad you took action to ease your mind. And a good cry helps too - good to have a release. Thanks for stopping by on my thread and hope you have a good day xx
V I'm happy to hear your tests were clear and I'm praying for more good news for you on Friday. Keep going.
V - Sorry to interject.....welcome back HP!!! How's about an update my friend?? x
I was about to say the same. Great to hear from you HP, I have thought of you and your S a great deal. The fab dad.
V
So glad everything came back clear V.
Please keep taking as good care of yourself as you do everyone on this board.
Big hug to you.
PP
V, I can remember crying in my doctors office having to explain why I needed STD tests. And she's his doctor too. Glad all is well.
Sunny, in the UK you can walk into clinics called GUM clinics and get tested without your GP knowing. You are given a number which you quote whilst ringing. The record is kept for 6 months then destroyed, it is not linked to any other medical record. This means it does not appear on the main medical records so will noti interfere will life insurance (etc) applications.
It is a good system.
So although my doc recommended, he won't know. If asked I can just say "it was a boil on my nethers".
V
Just catching up, V. Oi that would have made my stomach drop. What a relief that results are clear so far. Fingers crossed the good news continues on Friday. Will check back in then.
Hopefully more good news Friday, V. You deserve a rest from this madness at some point. Those GUM clinics sound like a good idea, hope it didn't cost too much.
Hi V,
Sounds like more drama for you. I hope it all settles down soon and you can go back to racking up vast GAL points.
But as RD says, take care of your health first and foremost (physical and mental)
Fogg, V would confirm but it was probably free on the NHS (advantages of the UK).
Hi Vanillia. Please update after results
Take care. Rd xx
Vanilla - you are in my thoughts and prayers today (and always)
take care - praying for good news.
V, you are also in my thoughts and prayers. You are such a wonderful person! Good things are coming for us both!! I just know it!!
All clear on the nasty squiggly front, such a relief. I can consider naughties again some day. Lesson learned though, scared me witless.
The GUM clinic is free of charge, I personally think all GUM clinics should be free of charge wherever they are in the world. And anon, I think the UK NHS got this one right. It was far from the most wonderful experience of my life although the staff made me feel like it was all in a day's work. Sympathy but efficient, if it needs to be done, go do it, nothing to fear or to be ashamed of. I only had to attend once. Peeing into a cup isn't easy either. It also helped that some results were given quickly although others had to be processed. I was warned that the HIV test isn't definitive for two months but I said I haven't had unprotected sex for 9 months and they said no need to test again then. In fact I haven't had sex at all for 9 months, protected or otherwise.
Still got a boil on the nethers though, it's just a plain boil.
Time to move on, thank you for caring Joe, RD, PP, Gan, Fogg, U,Toots and Jim.
I decided to switch to vegetables in my eat glow nourish campaign, that boil needs to go and fast. just ordinary poison and ordinary cleansing. Went to the market and bought a mountain of veg, chopped, washed, cleaned and froze. Fridge is full of vegetables and fruit. I also have to eat 6 eggs a day.
Vegetables are completely free on my new regime I can eat as many as I like as long as they are in minimum of oil, small restriction on avocados and potatoes and bananas are counted. Stage 2 tomorrow, giving up wheat.
I dread the giving up cheeeeeese and wine phases.
Can I say that today I feel free of WH seductive charms, the spell is broken. I walk lighter and yet I thought to myself, if I am clear that proves WH wasn't cheating and it's ok to think of OWs as POWs only. Actually because I had to take all this seriously then that's what caused the release. I have never cheated on any R ever, imagine the horror of an STD from an OP. Fidelity looks like the strongest and best choice from where I sit.
I am going to gym tomorrow.
Also another bizarre twist today, had the pest control in for the mice in the attic. I don't have mice, I have wasps, three wasp nests, one huge nest the size of a bowling ball and two small ones the size of grapefruit. The wasps were eating the wood in the attic to make their nests and that was the noise. Wasps are easier to eliminate than mice and cheaper. The big house is quiet tonight, very quiet apart from V singing a happy tune.
I am looking forward to a new day dawning.
V
V, you are also in my thoughts and prayers. You are such a wonderful person! Good things are coming for us both!! I just know it!!
I am so sure of it Joe, very sure, it's strange if a one had ever told me such an experience would have been helpful then I would have said " you are nuts". But somehow facing the risks that a WS has put me under is very eye popping.
V
Hi V,
That is great news, have a peaceful, joyful evening.
I am going to do just that Help, and share with all of my loving DB friends.
Please everyone have a triple helping of hugs.
(((((((Hugs)))))))) (((((((((((hugs))))))))) (((((((((hugs))))))))))
I wrap you all up in my happiness tonight.
V
Great news Vanilia Time to move on with your life
Hugs and kisses Rd
So happy for you V!! You sound good! This sounds like the V I know!!
Correction -6 eggs a WEEK not a day..........
V
The big house is quiet tonight, very quiet apart from V singing a happy tune.
I am looking forward to a new day dawning.
Happy for you
Fogg
Please be happy with me, I would really like that......
Sing a happy tune and smile at the wasps with clogs on.
V
I woke happy!
My goodness, I want to share this with everyone right away. Come be happy with me. I am working, the music is on.
How did that happen?
I slept well.
Sunshine today.
V
Yay! Shake your groove thang, shake your groove thang.....turn it up V!!!! Xxx
On my why Vanillia. Put the kettle on.
Great to read. Keep on keeping on.
Don't over work !!!!! !
Take care. Rd xx
V....you are the shizzle!! Have a great day
xx
Hey there V - you sound great - keep that up (but not too much work).
Put some of that energy toward FUN too. I will be happy with you from afar.
take care
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
I am the captain of my soul.
Invictus by W E Henley
Meson Mandelas favourite poem
V
V,
Over the past few days I caught up on your sitch. You are such an inspiration to many on here. Just wanted to thank you!
Agreed - thank you V for all of your assistance and encouragement to those on this board.
Hey Vanilla
I love that line you put at the bottom of your signature.
*I am the master of my ship, I am the captain of my soul*
That's fodder for good positive energy.
Yay!!! So happy to hear that there's a happy V out in the world today!!
Big hug V!
PP
Vanilla,
First, I'd like to thank you so much for all your support -- especially in the last week or so. You made me feel so much better.
Second, how are you feeling today? Happy, I hope dear V. You deserve to be happy. Keep those positive thoughts. They DO help.
Also, I love the line you added to your sig:
"I am the master of my ship, I am the captain of my soul."
Inspiring!
xoxo
Bob
Welcome to my thread Diana and thank you for your post.
HeavyD, U, PP and Bob, I am enjoying sharing this new phase of great growth and positivity.
Today I spent all day filing invoices and I have done 50% of it, each item I sort is one more WH mishap sorted. I am cleaning up my books as well as I cleared out my house.
It's very boring and actually I am unsure why I was afraid of it but I was afraid. Afraid of what I would find, now I am not afraid because I know the actuality can't be worse than my fear of it. it's pretty bad and I need to know how bad it is, then it will be over.
I will have moved on again.
V
Good stuff V, I hope you're also swinging the heck out of that Kettlebell. I love them and know that a physically strong V will feel more confident in her situation.
The very first woman I trained, I taught how to box. Then how to really fight. Six weeks later she went home and divorced her husband saying she could never be with someone who actively tried to break her down and not "allow" her to make herself strong.
Physical strength is important, kettlebells are an amazing tool.
Big hug, and thank you for the advice on my pup and my creative dog whispering W.
PP
V, I'm so pleased to read you are making such progress. You have had some tough times recently and it is good to see you moving forwards so positively.
It is true that the fear of how awful things might be is probably worse than how awful they actually are. And 50% done already - wow! It is great that you can steer your own ship without worrying what H may or may not be up to...
Very best wishes to you xx
Sounding like the Vanillia we know and love. Great job on sorting invoices , 1/2' way through already !!!
Stay strong Vanillia and thanks for the hugs
Have a great day. Rd. xxxx
Hi Vanillia. How's life ? All the invoicing finished ? how about an update when your ready
Take care. Rd xxxx
I can post tomorrow. It is payroll time again!
V
Hi, V...just wanted to pop in and say hello. I have been very lax in keeping up with all my wonderful DB friends lately and I actually had time to go back and catch up.
First and foremost, I agree with rd's assessment a few pages back about why you are referred to as "Lady V". I picture you as a very fine lady in my mind.
I'm sorry for the health issues, but you must take care of you and I'm hoping that everything is going well in that particular department.
You continue to be an inspiration to me and I always have you in my thoughts and prayers, even when I'm not checking in with you on here. Keep on keepin' on, Lady V. You are an incredible lady.
Hello Lady V!! How goes the battle?? Hope things are getting sorted out in your business. I am so happy to see you posting to all the others on here. You have such a way with words and a great way of looking at things. You are such a great help to others. I get alot from reading your posts to others!!
Sending you love and hugs V.
I hope you're happy and healthy.
PP
Thinking of you often, V.
Do you think the secret is, to finally letting go? I am having a hard time quitting hope. I keep trying to argue with myself that there is a valid point of view for his abuse. That maybe I should call him up and ask him to speak with me about it all. I know this is insane. Did you ever struggle with this at any point since first bomb?
Dawn, I posted on your thread, it's lovely to have peace in life. There is much work ahead of me.
Pigpen love those hugs, I need lots of them at the moment.
Joe, I am enjoying the peace and laughter on your thread and I posted there. Like you I was bewildered by D and her la ck of texting.
V
Thinking of you often, V.
Do you think the secret is, to finally letting go? I am having a hard time quitting hope. I keep trying to argue with myself that there is a valid point of view for his abuse. That maybe I should call him up and ask him to speak with me about it all. I know this is insane. Did you ever struggle with this at any point since first bomb?
I struggle with this too. I am not entirely sure I am there yet. It still crosses my mind and there are lots of bridges still. My D isn't as far forwards as yours, the big house isn't sold yet. So there is much to do. I am not sure I will let go until the Fins are sorted.
I still struggle Z, I wanted to delete WH mobile number from my phones etc but that's rather nonsensical but would stop me from texting. I have blocked him from calling me and emailing, but then I question is WH trying to call etc? I am completely NC, completely and no texts since 10 June 2015 and I want to stay that way for the rest of my life.
I tell myself I am addicted to it, that like all addictions it has to be managed. The disturbance is slightly less and there is no drama but I don't want to be abused. My bottom line boundary "I will not be abused" and I know that with this WH I will be another sweet cycle. Each one is worse than the last. I doubt I would survive another round. It's still a struggle to survive this one, my Fins are so precarious, I struggle with each day, every day I make it is another one under my belt.
Absolutely Z, quitting is really difficult, struggling absolutely. I am not even sure that WH hasn't a new target, one who is at this stage going to make no demands. It is so very hard to know that as I struggle with the morality of knowing others may get hurt.
My fins are such a mess that is one reason I struggle. Survival takes all my energy, considering before I met WH how successful I was and how that easy being has gone.
I spend virtually all my time working hard, and I am only now beginning to turn things around. I am still catching up with my own accounting. It will be uphill still.
I am just hoping I don't go under. It's very close to it.
There was a time very recently that I saw you struggle on your thread and sadly I sense that there will be more struggles ahead. I really loved your letter to yourself. Long time coming, I think that self love is not selfish at all, as targets we have to want to be healthy and well before we can recover.
I concern myself in case being that way is like creating an attractant for my abuser. Unlike most LBS I don't want to reunite with WH, I think that would be the very worst solution for me. A very bad decision, I really don't want to go back to any sweet cycle. I want freedom. I also am concerned for you, and of course whatever you do I am here. It's not easy to find people who understand, I see newcomers here and the occasional sitch is abusive and I can read the sweet cycle restarting and I think "V, this poster hasn't yet had a spell breaker". I will be eternally grateful to Gg for her insight and spotting the abuse in my sitch, she has a special place in my heart for it. Sunny was challenging at the time too. And all the posters here who helped with my personal journey.
Abuse sitches take much much longer to resolve, especially before spell breaker or crisis. I expect it. It is a struggle for me too. We can only resolve our internal issues and I love DB as a tool for that.
Whatever you do is the right thing for Z. You are doing each day the best that you can and you can ask no more. Abusers know they are abusing, I think I assumed it was subconscious but it isn't. They abuse because they can do so to get control, some are so manipulative and covert that as targets we don't see it. Truly we don't and anyone who hasn't been there, can empathise but not really know. The way we describe our R looks vindictive to others, over exaggerated, in many ways I was lucky WH abuse was very visible and I recorded it. That has proved very important, the very thought of listening to it again makes me ill.
When I weaken, that recording is there to remind me. I keep it on my phone. Your list is key for you. I think if I approached WH in the right way he would return to abuse again, that I have given him permission. The longer I am free the harder this is in some ways as the bad memories fade.
So Z yes I really struggle, almost every day and it isn't easy sometimes. I wish I could say differently and had an easy answer that I could give you. All I do is walk to the pain, acknowledge it and look to posters like Dawn, Gg and Scherman who are waving to me down the path, join us in freedom. It is so important they post even if it's just a tiny post, just to know they are free still and enjoying life.
V
On another note I change my logo every 10 threads so next thread is no 20 and needs a new one so far
Plain Vanilla
Vanilla Fudged
I double dared Edz and he had a few choices. So I double dare you all which Vanilla should I be next?
Some suggestions already
Just a plain Vanilla change
Sweet Vanilla
Custard Vanilla
Vanilla Essence
Vanilla Pod
V
I couldn't post on your thread Z I didn't want it to lock, but I wanted to give you a small gift, it's a song I play quite often
://youtu.be/3_FcAg4ObRQ
I will not be broken sung by Bonnie Raitt. Please add http
V
How about. , Vanillia is a wonderful person that deserves so much more !!
All the hugs you can handle , brother in Internet , BOI. Rd. xxxx
Thank you for such an honest post, V. It is helpful to know you also struggle. I found a photo from a year ago that set me off, him waiting for me to come in from paddleboard with coffee in hand, smiling, dog at feet. I keep thi MJ g none of this could have been as awful as it seemed, it's impossible.
He said to me that day in the cafe, how he'd lost his temper before...and I wonder, did I really think he would have hurt me? He seemed to think it was ridiculous. Maybe I was knee jerk in telling him to leave, but at the time, him sitting there without a care telling me he couldn't promise it wouldn't happen again...he told me later he was mad at me those days and is why he didn't talk to me...I wonder sometimes was it abuse or just immaturity?
My heart is so sad and I know I have not dropped the rope quite yet.
V, thank you for all of your contributions. I will start a new thread.
I vote for V is for Vanilla - after the movie, V is for Vendetta. It's aBritish movie about freedom. And they say a life well lived is the best revenge.
Unlike most LBS I don't want to reunite with WH, I think that would be the very worst solution for me.
I can completely understand this V!! The more time I spend away from STBXW, the more reality hits me of all the things I was blind to in the past. The years of TRYING to make it work. The years of lies!! I don't want to go back to that. V, you deserve to be happy and you deserve someone that makes you happy. That person will come one day when you are ready!!
I also like V is for Vanilla.
Thank you for the mention, V. I remember reading your first thread and I sincerely couldn't understand why you hadn't already run far and fast. I had a hard time not saying that then and there. I hope I was a gentle nudge in your journey, I never meant to be harsh with you.
You are such a kind, gentle, loving spirit V. Thank you for the beauty you spread around these boards.
Zelda, Joe and sunny thank you for the kind and generous words.
V is for Vanilla seems the popular choice.
I have often asked why stand, why did I change my mind and stay. I was clearly a WAW very soon after M. I asked was it pride? I don't believe it was although of course there may. Be an element of that. Was it innocence? A little perhaps.
In essence I think it was the sweet cycle, although as soon as I realised there was something wrong it got worse as if WH had no limits. It started really deteriorating as soon as I enforced by boundaries. If you like DB made things much worse for me because in truth I was abused. Initially of course some of the changes appeased WH. When I joined the board I had been DB for about 4 or so months. I was a lurker, but my holiday in October 2014 was so abusive and I needed help.
The screaming banshee was on hold by then, that stopped almost immediately I started to DB in about June 2014, and I do see that as both protective and reactive abuse. I. Have never shown this before and truly hope never again. I believe WH wasn't too much affected by it as it came from button pressing. I do own it and am regretful for it.
Sunny I am very clear there is a difference between being a target for abuse and seeing oneself as a victim. Targets deny abuse and victims point to it. Most of the targets I can see here on the board take too much self responsibility (not control) for their R. They deny abuse. Faux victims wish to deny responsibility. Control tends to lie with the abuser and breaking free is hard. For Z it appears harder than for me, my WH was covert until October 2014 and then became so overt with public abuse in front of others who he saw as connected. Such abuse is public and demeaning, easier to acknowledge. The person this demeans is WH.
I know very little of MLC but what I did see persuaded me WH wasn't in MLC. His core was as it had entered into our R, so if he was MLC then it had been so all along. It was as if WH had released some kind of spring, or like Alice through the Looking glass had grown when eating. It took a long time to understand, Jim described WH behaviour as thrashing that was eye popping. My IC asked what I was getting from the R and suggested challenging WH. That is a very dangerous thing to do with an abuser, they need safely ejecting from your life. A later abuse counsellor IC suggested texts instead and eventually that worked. WH came into the R like this, it was part of his personality which he hid. I do see this tendancy mainly in OP on the board. One or two WW are enthralled by OMs of this type. Gg describes it as being used like a tissue and discarded, most unpleasant when we realise that.
I called WH on his lies, he thrashed and left, before that I was living in a corner of my home, a house I own. A PWAW living in fear of an outburst and a man who is in actuality a mean drunk. Z is different, her sitch is softer, her WH seems like a user WH, a resource gather. His overt appears to have come to the fore when he received his settlement and had resources of his own. Mustardseeds sitch is more like mine as is yours Joe, and Schermans. There are a couple more here but it isn't appropriate to raise that here it's more for their threads, since they as yet haven't had a big enough spell breaker. Gg was my guardian angel, bless her always. You too Sunny.
So it's ironic that DB has got me to a place where I don't want an R with WH. I am DB for me, so is this a failure? Absolutely not, DB is a good process if it allows those who are abused to be released. I am not sure that was the intention for DB, but it is being used by me for that. Sandis guidelines help us to become someone only a fool would leave and in doing so we are freed to become true lovers, spouses and friends. We regain our control over ourselves and develop as human beings. I believe this is a good thing.
I am posting this at the end of this thread. 1 to 9 were about hope, 10 to 19 about breaking free and 20 onwards, I want to be about recovery.
A new chapter starts at post 20 recovery.
V