Cadet's Work thread - DivorceBusting.com

I am starting a thread that anyone can use if they want to post to me.

I have one idea in mind that I want to work on in this thread and that is to create a Newcomer's Resource thread.
Once I create this thread I will lock it and I will be the only one to post on it, I am not sure that it will be stickied or not - however it will be linked in my welcome post, which for the moment I will list out here.

______________________________________________________

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

______________________________________________________

Resources thread will contain for the moment

Michelle's Blog

MLC Resource thread(read last post)

ABUSE - thread

Stockdale paradox -A MUST READ FOR NEWBIES

The Starter kit / Post-BD plan of action- Wonka

Boundaries - Coach

Detachment - Coach

Coach - The Value in Thinking vs Feeling while DBing

Coach - Go by your Values and Beliefs, not Your Feelings

Goals - by MWD

GAL, GAL and more GAL

Quotes found on Divorce Busting 3 - R2C

DB - FB and twitter from MWD

Mozza's Success Stories and Links(13)

How to Link threads

What to do if you spouse finds your posts

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT- READ THIS! - Zues

and any other thread I can find that I deem appropriate for this thread.

Please feel free to post your ideas, I would like to
get some input from lots of people vets and newbies.

Thank you.

Hello Cadet, welcome to your work thread! It struck me recently that it may be helpful to have a 'recommended books' thread - of course with MWD's excellent offerings at the top. But many of us have found other books dovetail in really well and support the DB approach.

The other thing that I thought is that many newcomers find the GAL aspect challenging, and I wonder if it might be useful to have a GAL resource area too?

I think you're doing a great job as moderator BTW...

Toots,
We have a recommended reading thread over in MLC which might prove helpful to not only you, but others. Every one is welcome to add to it.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483893#Post2483893

Very useful - thank you!!

Love this resources idea

V

Hello Cadet,

I am with Toots and V -- I love this idea. Great job!

Bob

Cadet,

This is a great idea. Because there is so much information on all of the different threads, it is sometimes difficult and time consuming to find specific information. It would be nice for it to be complex in one area. I had recently asked for some book references and because I'm relatively new on this site, did not know there was already a place to go to look for this info.

I also agree with Toots that maybe a section on GALing would be helpful. I have also noticed some video references in some threads.

Thank you for taking the time to put this together. The information and advice you provide is always incite full.

Gr8ful3

Great idea! Love it!

Originally Posted By: Toots

I thought is that many newcomers find the GAL aspect challenging, and I wonder if it might be useful to have a GAL resource area too?

I think this is a great idea, anybody know of any good threads that exist here about this?
Or Toots maybe you want to start a thread on the subject.
I am hoping Mr. Bond will contribute since I think he has a different definition of GAL than me.

Also looking for any older threads that are not on the list so far, about any good subjects.
Or any other threads that posters have read that helped them out.

I'm happy to start a GAL thread Cadet. Working away for a couple of days & posting by phone just now. I'll get onto it when I'm back home

Thank you for the extra reading. It is a great idea. I have only scratched the surface and find it to be a gold mine.

When toots does the GAL thread, it could be interesting to include a) activities on a budget as this restricts some people and b) GAL at home. Clarify the diff between GAL at home and getting busy.i

One concept I feel most newcomers find hard to grasp, is the concept of time. From DR and many of the success stories in blocked thread seem to have rather quick results. As everyone is eager to succeed quivkly
, I find from reading the threads here that most do not grasp just how long it can be to get the result desired .......if that does happen. Maybe it would be useful if someone could indicate averages or some other data about that. I know all situations are different, but it may help newbies detach quicker if they really grasped the nature of this marathon.

Look forward to going through this thread. Good job cadet.

Originally Posted By: roiste

One concept I feel most newcomers find hard to grasp, is the concept of time. From DR and many of the success stories in blocked thread seem to have rather quick results. As everyone is eager to succeed quivkly
, I find from reading the threads here that most do not grasp just how long it can be to get the result desired .......if that does happen. Maybe it would be useful if someone could indicate averages or some other data about that. I know all situations are different, but it may help newbies detach quicker if they really grasped the nature of this marathon.

This is a great suggestion, and I'm not entirely sure about what's the best way to better prepare folks who wash up on our beaches here. We do glibly throw out the phrase "That's why we say 'it's a marathon and not a sprint'" a lot, but rarely do you see a better assessment of just what that LOOKS like.

I've also seen it said "about one month per every year you've been married" as a realistic piecing time-frame, and while that seems about right to me that's referring to reconciliation and not the initial DBing phase.

Great thread, Cadet!

Starsky

Originally Posted By: Toots

I'm happy to start a GAL thread Cadet. Working away for a couple of days & posting by phone just now. I'll get onto it when I'm back home

I found this thread and merged it with another that you can add to or start your own and link it.

GAL Ideas.

Thanks Cadet. The book resource page just made Amazon some money from me this morning...

Time to get more reading in.

Toots,

Your thread is now linked in - lets get more great ideas!

Originally Posted By: roiste

Maybe it would be useful if someone could indicate averages or some other data about that. I know all situations are different, but it may help newbies detach quicker if they really grasped the nature of this marathon.

You know, as a researcher in my regular life, I've always thought that it could be interesting to set up some sort of survey and poll people on their experiences. The statistics on D are so poor, in large part because people don't want to talk about their experiences. But here we have committed group of people, eager for more information, and probably more than willing to contribute to the knowledge base. I have ideas for how this could be done... anonymously of course...but it probably gets into a whole other realm of issues and I'm not sure MWD would approve. Also, it's not at all my area of research!

Originally Posted By: gan

Originally Posted By: roiste

Maybe it would be useful if someone could indicate averages or some other data about that. I know all situations are different, but it may help newbies detach quicker if they really grasped the nature of this marathon.

You know, as a researcher in my regular life, I've always thought that it could be interesting to set up some sort of survey and poll people on their experiences. The statistics on D are so poor, in large part because people don't want to talk about their experiences. But here we have committed group of people, eager for more information, and probably more than willing to contribute to the knowledge base. I have ideas for how this could be done... anonymously of course...but it probably gets into a whole other realm of issues and I'm not sure MWD would approve. Also, it's not at all my area of research!

Well I was about to say we couldnt do it however, I just created a test poll much to my own surprise.

I am not sure what we would ask or poll and I am not sure how scientific it would be, as almost everyone here is biased as having read DB/DR.
Interesting idea though.
Lets test this poll as I think it is anonymous, unless someone comments on how they voted.

Hi Cadet. Yep - agree it's biased if the aim is to get an idea about Rs in general. But if we do it with a disclaimer that the aim is to know a bit more about who is on here and where they are at in the process then I think it could still be useful.

Let me think on the questions. They key is being able to match the responses to particular questions (e.g. map "how do you feel now?" back to "how long have you been at it?") I doubt the forum polling function will allow it, but let's give it a go and see.

FWIW I have been editing most of the newbies threads and replacing the welcome post with the one on this thread that includes the resources thread,
so if you have not yet read all of the NEW NEWCOMERS resources I suggest you do so, lots of good stuff on there and I have added to it.

Also check back because I plan on continuing to add to it and am still hoping to get some other contributions from the other VETS.
YEA I mean YOU STARSKY, MR BOND, 25MLC, Wonka(already contributed), Sandi (already contributed)or any one else I am leaving out!

Great job, Cadet! Thank you very much.

Bob

I had a lot of notifications over the weekend - and some made no sense to me, if I did nothing about your notification please explain it better or re-post it here so we can discuss.

Thanks.

For my own reference I am putting the MLC welcome thread here.
Followed by the latest Newcomers welcome.
Also Newbies can find it a little easier on this thread.
_____________________________________________________________

Welcome to this board.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD,
Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)

I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.

This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.

I would start with the going dark link.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2537289#Post2537289

Resources thread(last post only)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2592296#Post2592296

Things you should know as the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2701017#Post2701017

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Doormat Tactics
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1942444#Post1942444

Standing vs leaving
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1966340&page=1

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

Musings from AmyC
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253741#Post2253741

MLC Signs
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

The Final Stages Withdrawal to Acceptance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2074403&page=1

WAS showing you positive signs? WAIT - READ THIS!
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2772942#Post2772942

Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.

I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources.
You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.

Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!

Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you!
Start your homework assignments.
Something to DO while you are on moderation.
GAL.
Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath.
In general take care of your self first.

Detach the single most important thing to DO.

Your H/W has given you a gift
THE GIFT OF TIME
use it wisely

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

____________________________________

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

and Michele's articles
http://www.divorcebusting.com/articles.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Consider this your homework.

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=57819&Number=2578224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

I realise ye are all busy and do great work here, thanks for that. I was wondering if the "timeframe"study ever got developed?

Originally Posted By: roist

I realise ye are all busy and do great work here, thanks for that. I was wondering if the "timeframe"study ever got developed?

What is that?

I posted earlier in this thread about the timeframe it can take as it is a concept many have trouble realising. You and others discussed how to study/present that.

Out of the four people discussing it, you, me, Starsky and Gan.
Only you and I are still posting on this forum.
I have not done any work on it.
Have you?

Gan - I think was a researcher, I am not sure I
can offer the same talents to this project.

Looking back I was offering to set up a poll
but even the one that was set up only got limited results.

From my experience in MLC I can offer that a normal(if there even is a word like that) one lasts on average 2-7 years with 2 being very short.
7 also may not be long enough.
I have certainly seen them in that time range and
I have also seen them never end.

I think that the advice of continuing to live your life
"as if" they are never coming back is only thing we can do.

Hope that helps.

No I have done nothing, except observe timeframes in situations here. But I am only (ONLY)hhere a year!

Yes that helps. In your observation of couples that split, is the timeframe similar for WAS to realise they want back. I know each situation is different but surely there is a general pattern. In the last year most of the WAS that recontacted lbs to reconcile did so 9-18 months into separation.

Overall I think newbies never contemplate the real length of time it could take . At the beginning weeks seem lloooonnnnggggg.

Someone quoted you recently on a thread stating that you believe in most cases the WAS regrets their decision but it is often long after lbs has shut the door. Is that your observation?

Thank you for sharing your valuable insights

Originally Posted By: roist

Someone quoted you recently on a thread stating that you believe in most cases the WAS regrets their decision but it is often long after lbs has shut the door. Is that your observation?

Yes.

The old GIFT of TIME strikes again.

Quote:

In your observation of couples that split, is the timeframe similar for WAS to realise they want back. I know each situation is different but surely there is a general pattern. In the last year most of the WAS that recontacted lbs to reconcile did so 9-18 months into separation.

I would also say YES,
if you look at most of the success stories they happen in that time frame.

How long should you "wait"?

Originally Posted By: Michelle

Jamie had some really good advice. Here it is:
******************************
Hi My DBing Friends! For those not familiar with our situation, H and I have been separated for 18 months and have not initiated any legal action.
I'm a firm DB supporter and know that no matter what happens with my marriage I am a more centered and whole person since focussing on what I needed to do for me and my children. It was only when I stopped obsessing with my H's possible agenda and motives that I was able to see more clearly what productive changes I could make in myself and to then begin implementing them. From what I have read on the board, there is clearly a pattern of people seeing a turnaround in their situations when they realize that no matter what happens they will be fine regardless of what their spouses decide. I guess it is part of the letting go process that enables us to detach and abandon expectations of what our spouses should or should not be doing. My H needs to continue on his journey and work through some things, but I think he has gradually come to realize I am his friend and not the enemy he perceived 18 months ago.

I think one of the most common questions that people ask on the board is how long to hang in there and wait for their spouses to return or recomit. I guess my personal answer is that remaining open to reconciliation is very different from "waiting" in that you can make healthy choices for yourself and your children without closing any doors re. your spouse. Perhaps I mention this only because a friend just earlier today asked (after I mentioned some positive developments) "how long are you going to wait for him?" My explanantion might have been lost on her, but I knew, as most of us here know or are learning, that remaining open to reconciliation and having it as a goal is indeed very different from being frozen in time, pining by the phone waiting for him or her to announce their intentions, or watching endlessly for the front door to open.

I'm realistic I think in believing that there will likely be many more bumps ahead, but I feel stronger than ever to deal with them as they arise. I truly send you my thanks for helping me so much so far. I would have been one lost little puppy had I not stumbled on this board and met you! Jamie

_________________________
The Divorce Buster

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=75794#Post75794

I have not posted on here for a while and thought I would say something to BUMP this thread up to the top of the forum.

This thread has all the links and welcome posts in it so if I need to add or subtract links then I can do it here.

Good idea to keep everything in one place.

First time seeing this thread. Thanks for bumping it.

Originally Posted by Cadet

if I need to add or subtract links then I can do it here.

One of my favorite posts by Coach:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=46578&Number=1998146#Post1998146
and from same thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1998190#Post1998190

Originally Posted by Ready2Change

One of my favorite posts by Coach:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=46578&Number=1998146#Post1998146
and from same thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1998190#Post1998190

Thank you - I will add them into the new comers resource thread that has some other gems from Coach.