The story continues with the revelation, at the end of chapter 14, that our hero, that's me folks went on a date! Dun dun Dah! [dramatic fanfare]
Omg gg is grining and doing a happy dance.
Look at od goooooooooooooooooooo!
Some times we just need to get out there no matter what. If I had stayed home always and just kept in my rut I would have never been ready. In fact I had said only weeks before the bf came along, never not ever cannot be bothered to put up with another round of rubbish....
And yet look!
Bf has basically become a fixture in a few weeks. It's like no time and forever rolled into one.
Hey hey, NSOD! That came out of the blue. Glad to hear hinge have been on the up for you lately. Enjoy yourself.
Sheesh - things not hinge. Glad to hear THINGS have been on the up for you lately...
Thank you, my Aussie contingent. Gg I was vaguely aware things were happening down, I'll have to catch up and compare notes :-)
And gan you'll be glad to heat that my hinges are oiled and fitted correctly :-)
Hi OD, I'm glad you had a nice time - you certainly sound upbeat! Have you made any plans to meet up again?? Presumably you'll see eachother at Leroc if not before?
T :-)
That dancing........
Lot to answer for!
V
Just a quick update. That date certainly ... let's say 'developed' quite quickly to my surprise.
I can certainly vouch for the fogginess of a new relationship. Of course I'm now aware of all this and can observe it all going on.
I now find myself pulled in different directions. DB, drop the rope, stand, continue etc.
My new lady friend knows about my situation and asked me what I would do if daft lass said to me 'I've made a big mistake'. I said 'I don't think it will happen but I would like to try to reconcile'.
She almost dumped me, quite understandably, but I think is gambling it won't happen. I don't know what will happen but I'm taking one day at a time. And it's very nice to have someone interested in you I must say.
Great news for you OD. Take things steady and slow Take care. Rd
OD, it's a pleasure to see you happy. If a guy told me he wanted to R with his W, I'd dump him
but I'm glad she didn't dump you. I think you can have some fun here and boy, do you need that!
Thanks rd, SB.
It's been a while since I've written anything more than a couple of lines.
I'm back at the boys home now and I'm feeling just a bit down despite my 'progression' in the past few weeks. Daft lass has gone for the weekend but I don't fit in here any longer. The main bedroom doesn't have any of my stuff in it any more: her clothes are now occupying the rails and drawers where my once were. I don't want to sleep in there tonight but it's the sofa otherwise.
There are letters for me and us including a rent increase for this place. I want to take my name off the agreement and utility bills. I don't live here, it's not my home, I don't like being here, it brings me down despite being with my boys.
My other life however is bowling along: not quite as steady and slow as it should perhaps. My new lady friend is quite smitten with me it seems and her friend says I'm a 'keeper'. I think she's great too but ...
What are the buts? Fear? What am I afraid of? OK here comes a jumbled up stream of half baked thoughts.
Fear of being hurt? I don't think thats too big a one as although she is great, as I said, and has wonderful energy and a positive grab life attitude and of course I like being with her ... I've not fallen for her in the same way.
I look forward to seeing her and she sends loads of texts and messages with kisses on to which I respond but she had noticed that it is this way round. I'm unconsciously holding back a bit.
I have vulnerabilities, and so does she and we talk about stuff like this. We have opened up quite a way and this I think maybe one reason she thinks I'm different. I have learned a lot in the past year and I'm not afraid to discuss quite a of it ... but not all.
I fear hurting her ... and being a b*****d. She has been really good to me and I don't want to hurt her. I have never been on the dating scene, I feel I'm in a bit over my head. I feel as though I need to pull back a bit but I also want more.
I also fear that I am betraying my wife. Even though she has ended our marriage, as far as she is concerned, and is now seeing someone else, I was standing up for it. But now what? I've started seeing someone.
I would still prefer to reconcile. I would like to be given the chance to work on it, to save our family. Honestly though, I don't think she will and I also don't know how we could as I now live far away and don't want to come back here.
Ideally, we would relocate to where I live now. Fantasy I know but who knows what will happen in the future.
OK time for bed ... or the sofa.
Hi OD. Your right to question your thoughts re the new lady. It's a big step to start a new R.
Take your time and use your new found R knowledge to see real life from fantasy
Take care. Rd
Hi OD
I understand your doubts as posted above. I know that people sometimes regret hurting a third person in their own pain. And for that reason it's best to take things slowly and be honest about where you are at IMHO.
I think the betrayal is a lesser thing to me. It has been my choice not to date as I am still M. But I could just as well have chosen otherwise and not worried about it. After all, my H's infidelity has broken our M contract just now.
However, the fact that I would hope to save the M if I could is a biggie for me. It doesn't seem fair to become involved with another on that basis. And I am surprised that your friend's friend calls you a keeper on this basis - unless she doesn't know that. I would be urging caution if I were her friend. Particularly with the benefit of recent horrible experience - red flags for me! But I may be extra sensitive.
So - I guess that's the message from me. Slow and honest. Honest that things are far from resolved with your W. And that it would be soon (and possibly unhealthy) to start another R. But friends and some flirting where no-one gets hurt? Very nice!!
OD
I don't date for other reasons, simply I am not ready. My healing I has only just started. I still stand for my M and myself but this H is not in my playbook. I can't even read my own thread it's so destructive.
Several posters date, RD was one and he decided it was too soon, I know Mozza. Had an interesting discussion about dating. If you are ready to date, go date and do so with a good heart, which you are.
Your date is a grown woman and must take care of her self. You have told her the score, it's up to her. To decide for her is control and we know where that leads. Let your new gf decide for gf and you work your stuff. Her feelings and sitch are hers to manage.
Go enjoy your life in freedom from expectation.
V
Yes I have read (some of) Mozza's thread, and Gg's.
I'm not sure I'm ready yet either. I guess I'm dipping a toe in to see. I am in two minds about it: no make that several minds.
Of course dipping a toe also means I'm holding back a bit too. Ah!
For someone who has codependent traits, it's complicated :-)
Hi OD. For me it was too soon. My EXW is still denying OM is romantic and she is obviously depressed and a bit lost. When I went fr date the lady was pretty, intelligent and good company but I did feel like I was cheating and it just wasn't me. I like to flirt and have fun with some of the ladies on here but it's all done with the knowledge that we can all choose not to answer. After date the lady has contacted me a few times but I didn't pursue.
My point is that it's all a very personal thing For me you are questioning the R which is healthy and the right thing to do. Your W is gone for now and who knows how long for. OD was in a real bad place a few weeks back and I would encourge you to enjoy life and see what it brings while holding back until you are completly ready to move forward 100%
Take care. Rd
OD
It's healthy to have reservations, it's natural and reasonable.
Especially so close to WW and your M sitch.
Sensible even
V
I had some of the same qualms about leading on, about being confused, etc. My therapist dealt with it by making me realize that these were all doubts related to the future, not the moment I was living. As long as I don't lie to my dates and that I act on my true desires (i.e. not doing what I think others expect of me), I should feel confident that the future will sort itself out. And it does. Many of things that worried me about my dates fell into place neatly a few days or weeks later, when the time had come.
And I will second Vanilla in saying that your date is a grown woman who will think for herself. Continue to open up, acknowledge to yourself and to her the limitations of your feelings and engagement, without fear of her reaction. She'll be grateful for your honesty, even when it's not what she hoped to hear.
Sorry to hear that you're finding it a bit tough to be back at the house. I have to confess I've missed hearing you referring to Daft Lass
Actually that term used to irk me a bit, but now you're able to say it with much more detachment. You feel very different from where I am sitting, OD...in a good way. I'm sorry Daft Lass hasn't come to her senses (yet).
In regards to the lady friend, it's tricky territory isn't it. Let me ask - what do you want to come from this lady friend? Are you open to a romantic relationship with her, and just need to work things through in your own time? If this is the case, then trust in the process....you'll get there in the end but it will take time and it sounds like you are being honest with where you are at which is great.
I'm sort of in a similar position though in my case I don't want anything more than friendship with this new guy friend I've made. In some ways, that leaves me even more confused as to how to proceed as I don't really know what he wants and I'm not yet game to ask.
Anyway, there will be an answer, OD, let it be....
Gan, why not ask? What could happen?
Sorry for the hijack OD but to respond to Mozza's question - I guess because I could be way off base and I could embarrass us both by raising it given the circumstances. I've posted more about the situation on my thread.
Mozza Thanks for chipping in. I've read some of your thread about this and the resulting discussion.
gan Being back at the house isn't as bad as it was. Experience, awareness and a spot of mindfullness means I can handle it better. I still wish I wasn't there though.
I'm intrigued by why the term Daft Lass irked you initially. It's certainly a lot friendlier than some of the things I called her :-)
As far as what I want from my lady friend? Well company, laughs and x rated fun (Copyright Gg) is a good start.
Got to keep in mind openness and honesty though. And it looks like you need to do the same gan, as Mozza suggests, "what could happen?" You may not want the same thing as each other and decide not to proceed down a path where one or either you gets hurt or you could take it easy and see what transpires.
Don't worry about hijacking my thread, this is what it's all about. My thread is open to all ... except Daft Lass :-)
Re my thoughts about being back at the broken family home.
Susan Jeffers just sent me this from beyond the grave. I suppose it could have been the people still carrying on her work. Either way. Yes!
Avoid casting blame on external forces for your bad feelings. Nothing outside yourself can control your thinking or your actions.
In my case xh2 basically made his choice that his a was his soulmate and no way was he giving that up, I had to step away for years. A long time he indicated.
So there is very little to save and I suspected the a had been around for nearly a year if not her then someone else.
I'm in the same boat smitten new op, his wife while abusvie more than likely she died. I'm not so sure but I both want to continue and slow down and back off at the same time. It seems like the hokey pokey is in vogue. He's so sure that things just are right.
Me I doubt everything, my judgements and thoughts of how things are, given before I never saw any signs. It's natural.
One of my 180's for me was to only commit to things I can stand by 1000000%
Great view Gg.
OD how are you?
V
Gg. Yes. Though I'm more Nice Guy about it and have difficulty not being swept away. She is sooo into me. Which is nice.
More later. Got a Nice Guy video chat to run this evening, so after that.
Funny, was just thinking about you, OD, and then you appeared. I look forward to reading your update.
Hi OD, glad to hear things are going well for you. In your posts, you certainly sound much more settled and upbeat.....look forward to hearing your update and hope your group goes well.
T xx
Oh you lil' Dog, OD!!!
Looking for an update OD.
V
Looking for time to update.
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Mmmmmmmmm
V
I know he is doing great however I will let him tell you the details.
Now I am very curious to hear an update!!!
Holy cow! It's been over two months since I posted last.
Here's a very quick update. I'm still plodding along as best as I can. I've dropped the rope and I'm still seeing my new lady friend (NLF).
I travel up to Lincolnshire to see my boys every other weekend, picking them up and staying with my mum: we're there now. I do not speak to my ex and only exchange the briefest of texts or emails about the boys or the house were trying to sell.
I had the boys for two separate weeks over the school holidays. One, we spent exploring the area where I now live, and the other, we went to Paris on the Eurostar.
I feel guilty for dropping the rope. I also feel bad for thinking of my ex when I'm with NLF. And I feel as though I'm beginning to coast again, not striving to be the man I want to be.
I hope I'll be able to return here more regularly, maybe on a different forum as I'm not a newcomer any longer although I still have a lot to learn.
Welcome back OD, was curious how you were doing.
I'm sure the process of true healing has lots of starts, stops, coasts, and surges. It's only natural to feel guilt and mixed feelings when there was someone in your life for so long. It means you're a good man. It means you care.
Hope you do come around and use the board to get yourself back on the track you want to.
PP
Hello OD, really good to hear from you. It's great to get an update from people who haven't been around for a while.
You certainly sound in a better place than you were 4/5/6 months ago. And probably having some fun times with NLF has helped. I guess there is always that elephant in the room. Is it right to date if you are M and hope to R with your W if possible? Maybe that's now what you hope....but it's worth staying aware of that and keeping things light and honest with NLF if so. It would be a shame to hurt a 3rd party because of your own pain.
So if you feel you are coasting, what would you like to do next in terms of goals?? xx
OD, I'm happy to hear your update. I wouldn't worry too much about coasting for a short time, I think it's necessary occasionally to consolidate and make permanent the changes we have already made. Just be aware of where you'd like to end up and don't coast forever. I hope you keep posting from time to time.
Sometimes it's ok to coast and rest to gather your self more strength and resources.
Good to hear things are ok... And moving forward for you.
A longer update please.
Especially about GAL, dancing, the flat mates.
And NFL!
V
Hello again folks. I hard there's another OldDog in town but without the space so I've come back to spray my territory ;-)
Things are still pretty much as above. Going up to see my boys, having some fun with my NLF going to a few gigs, dancing, walking. She has been away on holiday for a couple of weeks and we're ... er ... let's say gagging for it now :-)
I'm having a follow up meeting with the counsellor I saw over the summer, just to follow up I suppose. I think I would like to get a life coach to stop me becoming stagnant. this was a problem in my marriage where we fell into a rut and found it difficult to get out. I don't want to do that again so I want to get some help before it happens again.
The good thing is, I'm much more aware these days. I can recognise things that I wouldn't have before or would have ignored and hoped would pass. I am not terribly self motivated so it's hard to get going. I'm pinning my hopes on a life coach though, I know it's me that ultimately has to sort out my life but I'm hoping I can get some useful tips.
I do mean to come back here more often, but ... well life gets in the way. And I'd really like to catch up with some friends and see how you're moving on.
Love & hugs
(Nor so) Old Dog learning a new trick xx
Hi OD, good to hear from you and know that things are going okay. Sounds like you are finding a balance of keeping things with NLF quite light whilst still working on you.
What's happening in terms of your W? Any movement there my friend??
xx
Hi Sotto.
I've no idea what's happening with her. The only communication I have is very short emails or text to do with the kids. I don't ask the kids about her either but I do know she still hasn't got a job yet as my mum asked them recently.
Part if me wants to say to her "it's not easy is it?" as she gave me grief over my job seeking a few years ago and also used it as ammo for why "we're not compatible". I have other "bitter" thoughts which I try and bury but that's not easy either.
I hate her for just drawing a line and never giving me a chance. I know I'm feeling sorry for myself, still feeling hurt for the treachery, being abandoned, the time with my kids being stolen from me.
MWD has a post on facebook which people have commented on about shared history. I've often thought about deleting all the photos with her in them. I'm the one who took the photos do I have a lot: she doesn't. Then there's all the old skool printed ones. I think I'll store them on a memory stick for the kids so I can delete them from my computer.
Just writing this makes me aware of how much she still invades my mind. Stupid woman.
I keep saying I'm going start practicing mindfulness again. Today would be a good time for it.
OD xx