Focused on Me and My Son 3 - DivorceBusting.com

Old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2575203&page=1

Last night was interesting... the STBXW took S7 to see his therapist at her request (worried that the therapist is to prove she's been a bad mother vs. the therapist just being there to help S7 in the transition). We had a discussion about who's going to pay and that was pushed onto me. She claims to have no funds and I think it's important for S7 to see the therapist... so it is what it is at the moment. Post BD, this will change a bit.

Anyway, it's her evening to be with S7. She called 6:22 p.m. to say that she's bring him back to my place. The therapist appointment was from 5:30 p.m. to 6:30 p.m. She stated that he only wanted to come home to my place. Even turned down McDonalds (extremely surprising for a 7 Year old... or he's just over McDonalds for a while). So in a nutshell, she cut her evening with him short by hours.

Maybe the lawyer's prediction is starting to come true. That she'll stop the visits during the week.

This is also supposed to be her weekend. There's a birthday party that S7 wants to go to for a buddy of his. STBXW, claims to not have the money for gas (she moved a 1/2 hour away) to take S7 or a present. I told her I'd come get him and take him to the party, but that I wouldn't be taking him back to her place. She's ok with giving up one of her nights for parenting time. What's even more surprising about this is that this is in essence the 3rd weekend that she hasn't had him. We'd swapped a weekend for Memorial day, then my regular weekend, and now this one that's coming up.

Makes no sense to me... but in my view, she's the one missing out. I'll take all the time I can get with S7.

Of course you will as it's best for S7.

Let WW slowly disentangle and she will.

V

You ok scherman?

V

Doing ok and there's a lot more than this...

Yesterday was a STBXW tantrum... about money. She was planning on not paying the 1 bill that she's assigned to pay. Threatening again about taking S7 now that its summer... same old song & dance. I have A LOT more texts that have been forwarded to the attorney.

She ended up dropping off S7 at 8:03 p.m. She'd sent a text that she's going to continue to pay on the bill.

Then 35 minutes later, she's posts on Facebook how her and the OM (her best friend ever) are saving for a trip to Australia... that's it's like saving for a wedding only better....

Oh the fun...

Now for the good parts... FS9 is going to come stay with me for a week or possibly longer if the foster license gets through in time. But at the very least it's a week. I haven't told S7 yet. FS9 will just be there at the house when S7 comes home. I have started teasing S7 that I have surprise for him though.

Once my license is in, FS9 will come stay with me. He's been struggling a lot with this and giving his current foster mom a lot of grief. He's articulated that he misses my son, house and his old school a lot. Post BD, I'm planning on adopting FS9. There's a lot of people who don't seem to get it though. Think I'm off as a single dad adopting a kid. To me it makes sense for a lot of reasons. The biggest of which is that I care for the kid.

While I was reacting somewhat to the STBXW BS, I got into a conversation with the attorney's assistant. She clued me into the "best interests of the child" factors that the state of Michigan uses to determine who should have custody. I highly recommend these (or your state's equivalent) as a read for everyone. Very enlighting.

Scherman.

Sadly these selfish individuals want all the resources for themselves. Every single bit.

Sherman, I am thrilled for you S and FS. I am sure there are going to be bumps in the road, but you are a family.

My strength to you.

V

Life is good. FS9 came today around 1. He and S7 have been paling around the neighborhood. It's like old times. Just no yelling.

Tomorrow the plan is to get hair cuts and hang out at the house. In the evening there is a party for the folks in the property owners association. Dancing, games, etc. Sunday, the 18 yr old neighbor girl that S7 has a crush on is going to help me take them tubing, as the spotter if they fall off. Sunday afternoon, we have my nephew's birthday party.

So it's a good weekend.

Sounds great Sherman, keep being that awesome dad

Scherman the new thread on abuse, thank you for being so open in your discussions on the personality issues.

New thread abuse

V

Got a call... my license is approved. FS9 will be staying with me.

We'll tell him tomorrow at his therapist and I'll tell S7 when he gets back from the STBXW's place.

I'll have a couple of days of peace before she finds out. At best it will be nothing. At worst, more lawyer fodder for later.

They morning S7 and FS9 were goofing off with fake teeth that look hideous. They're planning on teasing the daycare provider (who can be a little uptight). I'll see how the day went when I pick them up.

Fantastic news , you have made my day !! !! I would love to hear of the two boys reaction blow by blow. What a magical day tomorrow will be !!!!

You are a very good man with a heart of gold Both boys are blessed to have you in thier lives

All the very best for the future Please give the boys a hug from me Rd

Hi Sherman How did the annoucement go with FS9. ? How did S7 react , please tell I been thinking about it all day.

Take care. Rd

Originally Posted By: Sherman333

Got a call... my license is approved. FS9 will be staying with me.

Grats Sherman

Those two are so lucky to be with someone like you. Have a great fathers day over the weekend, you definitely deserve it.

The kids were super happy. We told FS9 at this therapist. He was all grins. He was even super talkative (definite sign of how happy his is). Even had a 15 long conversation in the grocery store employee about the lobsters... was really funny.

The STBXW found out from S7 that FS9 was at my place. She dropped off S7 early so they could spend time together. Even bought them dinner. That's something the old her would have done. They were in the driveway when I pulled up. They were sitting in the car. She gave S7 kisses. FS9 got out and S7 rushed out of her car and they started chatting. STBXW, stayed in the car, waiting a moment or 2, then drove off.

I got the kids fed. That's when we told S7 that FS9 wasn't going home. That he was staying. They went swimming after dinner until it was time to come in to get ready for bed. I read them a chapter in a book and they were done.

They're back to calling each other brothers. So happy times.

STBXW did ask if she could have FS9 on the evenings/weekends and I told her no. Multitude of reasons for this... he doesn't need to be exposed to her behavior at the moment and she'll mainly use him just to avoid spending any time with S7.

She hardly interacts with S7 (according to him), just texts on her phone and beyond the initial discussion when she picks him up, she doesn't talk to him. She's only taken him to the park once.

She's also been setting him up in a bind... She let's him watch youtube videos on Minecraft. Last time that the OM dropped by her house (he bought her an Apple Watch and had to drop it off), the STBXW started yelling at S7 for watching Youtube. Who knows what he'd clicked onto, but he was still pretty upset about it when he got back to my place. He also complained about his mom kissing the OM on the lips when she got the watch. He didn't like that either. There's not much I can do about any of it but stay positive for him, let him vent, and validate what he's saying. I don't talk bad about his mother. So it's a fine line.

So tonight they're already asking whether S7 can come home tomorrow vs. go to the STBXW's house. I'll text her tomorrow and see what she says.

Way to go, Sherman! You sound like a great guy.

I am pulling for you and wish you well.

Happy Father's Day to you.

Bob

Thanks Bob!

Great story... So on the way home from daycare, FS9 asked S7 if it was ok for him to start calling me Dad again or at least after he's been officially adopted.

S7's response was "of course". Later S7, was curled up next to me watching cartoons and he stated "isn't it great dad, you have 2 sons now". I told him "of course!".

STBXW, did give up her time tonight for S7 to be home. He'd asked me to contact her this morning to ask. She's still planning on having him Friday night and he's not happy about going.

Great to read about the boys happiness Sherman

Well done mate.

Take care. Rd

You have two sons.

And lots of proud DB friends

V

I'm so damn pissed and annoyed at the STBXW. It's supposed to be her weekend (I get father's day).

She's given up time with Sloan on a regular basis. Tomorrow she's letting me pick him up at 12:00 p.m. to spend the rest of the weekend with him. I got the kids a little early from latchkey and let her know to pick him up at the house. She stated she wouldn't be her until later around 6.

So she's on her way and S7 starts to get upset and throw a fit. I got him out to the driveway and he starts throwing a fit and crying. Stating that he's not going. She just starts threatening him and yelling about the concessions she's made; that if he doesn't get in the car she won't make any concessions anymore. That he'll regret being defiant.

He stormed into the house. She starts reiterating her threats at me. I told her I already know what she said... she then yelled at me that I'm interrupting her (like always) so I let her go through it again. I reiterated that she can knock off the threats and I'll get him.

Then I mentioned that it's a nice Apple Watch she has (mainly to deflect things a bit off of S7) as it's new. She said it was a gift... I told her I know. It's from the platonic "friend".

I came into the house and explained to him that he needs to go. That eventually, when we go in front of the judge that there won't be a choice. It's better to work through this now.

We went back outside and he's in absolute tears. Racking sobs. She yelled at Sloan that eventually he needs to spend time with her too, that she's going to stop giving concessions. And then she starts yelling at me that I'm feeding into all this. I looked directly at her and told her I'm supporting her in this. That she needs to be kinder to S7.

I turned to him and reiterated some of what I told him earlier. He got to the car, made face that had a lot of anger and yelled his frustration. I told him "you need to go bud." He says "I'm not mad at you Dad, I'm mad at Mom". He got in the car and they drove away. I know she's yelling at him all the way home and will be taking this out on him.

At the moment I could tell her no. But it would cause issues to things long term. Of course she insinuated it's my fault too.

Heck of a start to the weekend. This cr@p is hard.

Stay strong mate. You have two beautiful kids that need their dad And a grest dad you are.

Take care. Rd

Thanks RD, V and to everyone on the previous comments... I hadn't read them until just now. I just came and pounded out my annoyance on the keys.

I so think she needs supervised visits.

I think she needs a gagging order.

V

Quote:

I think she needs a gagging order.

I'd go for that too.

Sherman several of my Gamanon friends have been helping me with research about abuse.

I was sent a link to a Utube talk which is one of the most amusing and funky things I have heard in such a long time. I rocked with laughter as the presenter was so earnest and pithy. I really loved it.

I can't post the link in full but the name is Thomas Sheridan and the smirk on the face. I wanted to share it with you as I think you may find it pyrrhic. Add http to:

/youtu.be/DTjMjZaYFNE

V

Hi V!

Watched the video. Another good one to lookup is "Say Goodbye to Crazy". The authors have youtube videos that are hilarious.

Today was pretty good. Picked up S7 from the STBXW at 12:00. We went to Toy-R-Us for the free Legos. Then watched the movie. Came home, hung out with the neighbors and they they're playing the Lego Jurassic Park game I got them this afternoon. They're both saying they had a great time.

On the STBXW front, S7 told her I was adopting FS9. She started texting me this morning about S7. That I should be more firm with him and I'm spoiling him. I explained that he's allowed to express his emotions, but it doesn't change the fact he'll have to visit her.

She then proceeded to tell me that she and S7 have a deal. That she'll give up her evenings during the week (Tues/Thurs) for the summer with him, but will still have him every other weekend for 2 nights. That he can't throw anymore tantrums. She even bought doughnuts for all of us when I'd pick up S7 (odd behavior). She even told me that she was really happy... Went out of her way to state she was being sincere, that I was adopting FS9.

The lawyer has been predicting for over a month that she would give up her time during the week. FS9 gave her the excuse. Didn't take as long as expected.

If it was me, there's no way I'd give up any time with my son. It's baffling to me.

Other thing she did tonight... (my interpretation is she's trying to convince herself) is a Facebook post. How "happiness is being single" Then uses "Mayberry" as the comparison. That the only one who was married was Otis, the town drunk. What a dark perspective.

So tonight at bedtime, S7 tells me that he worries about me a lot when he's at his mom's house. That a bad guy/burglar will take me away an that he won't able to save me... That I should know that he's always ready for combat, but hopes that Molly (the dog) will be enough... FS9 piped up at that point to try to reassure S7 that he's here now too to make sure things are safe.

I told him how brave I thought he was for telling mom how he feels. Also, I tried explaining to FS9 that this isn't exactly what S7 was talking about. I'm not sure he got it, but gave him a thank you nonetheless.

At least for the summer, I'll have him most nights. Except 2 nights every 2 weeks. Not a bad trade-off at the moment. I'd prefer something different, but it's not there yet.

Happy fathers day Sherman. You are an example to us all. What you have to deal with is beyond me and I don't think I could deal with it

I have my 4 all the time save Friday nights when D11 stays with her mom. Reading your posts makes me realise how lucky. I am

Your two boys are so lucky and in time they will reap the reward of being raised by a man with your character

Stay strong mate. Rd

WW is gradually reversing it seems.

Loved the suggestion On Utube certainly made me think.

Could you explain the Maybury thing to a poor old Brit?

Happy fathers day, your two boys are giving you the great gift of love, respect and their confidence.

V

Originally Posted By: rd500

Happy fathers day Sherman. You are an example to us all. What you have to deal with is beyond me and I don't think I could deal with it

I have my 4 all the time save Friday nights when D11 stays with her mom. Reading your posts makes me realise how lucky. I am

Your two boys are so lucky and in time they will reap the reward of being raised by a man with your character

Stay strong mate. Rd

I'm not sure I can take that much credit.

But thank you.

I have my perspectives and truly believe that this doesn't define me. I let too much go on for too long. All I'm doing at present is what I wanted to do before, but didn't. I see this as part of me taking charge of things in my life.

As for today, it went really well. We did the train ride, afterwards the gift shop (of course) and the boys each got a necklace... S7 got a arrowhead and FS9 got a rock necklace and a bag of rocks that you can swap out of the necklace.

From there we hit a Mexican restaurant. They both tried fried ice cream for the 1st time. At first their faces were hilarious... after they started eating it though... that took care of that. LOL

After we got back, we ended up biking around the lake (just over 5 miles). S7 has done it before with me. But for FS9, he hasn't. I know from his other foster mom that that he hadn't done well with this type of event before. That last time they did a bike ride, he threw a fit in the first mile and they had to go back.

In our case, we were hopping from park to park. We were half way before I got the tantrum. But we're half way. He has to finish for us to get back to the house. Needless to say, we made it home with a lot of complaining, but once we got here, FS9 was all smiles. Very proud of himself for having done it.

From my perspective, it was important to do something like this to build up his confidence. It did a lot for S7 when we first did it weeks ago.

I like cycling and would love for this to become a family thing long term. I could see traveling to different places to do different events. Part of my long term GAL activities.

Originally Posted By: Vanilla

WW is gradually reversing it seems.

Loved the suggestion On Utube certainly made me think.

Could you explain the Maybury thing to a poor old Brit?

Happy fathers day, your two boys are giving you the great gift of love, respect and their confidence.

V

Hi V!

As for reversing... I don't think so. I see this type of thing as manipulation. She knows she crossed the line when she came to pick him up and I called her on it. This is her way of making sure she doesn't have problems or to redirect things. Not that it will make any difference. For instance, with the Apple Watch, I know this was a gift, but in her texts she states she has to pay him back. That he only got it for her to make it easier to train for her marathons... like no one has ever done it without an Apple Watch before. From the way she put it... it's mandatory, so she had to have it.

As for Mayberry.. search for "mayberry andy griffith". It's an old sitcom that shows life in the Southern US around the 1960s? Most of us here in my age bracket watched the show on reruns growing up. Plays on a lot of "typical" things in America during those times. Her post was a perversion of the show. It was originally very family oriented.

Thanks for the Father's Day wishes. They're appreciated.

Originally Posted By: rd500

Happy fathers day Sherman. You are an example to us all. What you have to deal with is beyond me and I don't think I could deal with it

I have my 4 all the time save Friday nights when D11 stays with her mom. Reading your posts makes me realise how lucky. I am

Your two boys are so lucky and in time they will reap the reward of being raised by a man with your character

Stay strong mate. Rd

Thinking more on this... I still have my fears, uncertainty and doubts (FUD). I still get butterflies in my stomach over this whole set of events.

I hate that it's happened this way and there's still a piece of me that wishes she'd come to her senses. The logical part fights with that part though... so definitely mixed emotions.

I'm just focused on what I want next in my life without her (still figuring some of it out). What's important to me.

BTW, if anyone needs help with finding GAL activities in their area, do a search on "meetup" This usually has groups of like minded people for things you might be interested in.

Happy Father's day to you too!

Originally Posted By: Sherman333

Thinking more on this... I still have my fears, uncertainty and doubts (FUD). I still get butterflies in my stomach over this whole set of events.

I hate that it's happened this way and there's still a piece of me that wishes she'd come to her senses. The logical part fights with that part though... so definitely mixed emotions.

I think we all have those feelings. You do a great job of focusing on what you can control and leave the rest to whatever will happen. Nothing more we can do. If our WAS's want to change, they will.

Quote:

You do a great job of focusing on what you can control and leave the rest to whatever will happen.

Thank you for the vote of confidence... From my perspective, I'm just struggling through it on lots of days.

I know there's a bright future and I never question that (for some reason everyone wants to reassure me... that has gotten annoying... maybe I've complained too much?). I have a lot of disappointment in the way things are and the idea of essentially raising the kids as a single dad...has it's scary moments, but it's better than the constant controlling spew we were getting before.

For us Michiganders, it would be cool to meet-up sometime local. The last time I went through this we had DB GetTogethers. Even took a trip to Vegas and met up with folks. It was pretty cool and was a great support mechanism.

I'm about 45 min or so south of Lansing.

Divided by a common language.

By reversing, I mean backing off a little slowly.

In other words, your strong enforcing of your boundary is having an effect.

Hmmmm.

Must watch my slang.

V

Originally Posted By: Sherman333

For us Michiganders, it would be cool to meet-up sometime local. The last time I went through this we had DB GetTogethers. Even took a trip to Vegas and met up with folks. It was pretty cool and was a great support mechanism.

I'm about 45 min or so south of Lansing.

Didn't see this before, but yeah that might be cool sometime in the future. If you're 45 mins south of Lansing I'm about 45 mins east of you. Bunch of us from Michigan on the forums lately so could be something at some point.

How's life otherwise? Hope things are going great with S7 and FS9.

Originally Posted By: Vanilla

Divided by a common language.

George Bernard Shaw correct?

Quote:

England and America are two countries separated by the same language

Originally Posted By: Fogg

Didn't see this before, but yeah that might be cool sometime in the future. If you're 45 mins south of Lansing I'm about 45 mins east of you. Bunch of us from Michigan on the forums lately so could be something at some point.

How's life otherwise? Hope things are going great with S7 and FS9.

If we do it in the summer, I know a great lake to visit.

Life's going pretty well. She's given up a lot of parenting time during the week. Claiming its all my fault. I'm being super mean.

Since July 13th, She's had all of 13 minutes of FaceTime and tonight she took him to see his therapist. He said she spent most of the time in the office literally crying over how horrible was to be married. How she had to mow the yard (not true). S7 said "I had to keep giving her tissues dad...". It's part of her attempt to manipulate things. The reality on the mowing is it only happened a few times and she didn't have to do it. She was in school when I was working 45 to 50 hours a week. She'd voluntarily mow on a Friday when I was at work and then tell how horrible I was because she "had" to mow the yard. So it was a setup as a "bind".

So the saga continues...

Now, as for S7 and FS9, They're having a blast. We've been tubing quite a bit. Fishing and swimming. I have them going to one of the summer day camps every day. Horseback riding, archery, zip line, swimming, games, etc. They come home tired. This is there 2nd year there.

For the 4th we had about 4 adults and 6 kids come out to visit to hang-out and watch fireworks
. It was great.

FS9 caught a good sized bass and S7 caught his 1st walleye last weekend. I got a huge bass.

Originally Posted By: Fogg

Originally Posted By: Sherman333

For us Michiganders, it would be cool to meet-up sometime local. The last time I went through this we had DB GetTogethers. Even took a trip to Vegas and met up with folks. It was pretty cool and was a great support mechanism.

I'm about 45 min or so south of Lansing.

Didn't see this before, but yeah that might be cool sometime in the future. If you're 45 mins south of Lansing I'm about 45 mins east of you. Bunch of us from Michigan on the forums lately so could be something at some point.

How's life otherwise? Hope things are going great with S7 and FS9.

Glad ur doing well Sherman!!!
I get out to sw Michigan 5-10,times a year and end up in kzoo or paw paw at lest once a trip...so count me in

I'm thinking Bells!!!

That would be very cool.

Give us a confirmed date(s) you'll be out our way and we can go from there.

Will look...will likely be end of summer before soccer season and football camps start back up 4 the kids.

How are you guys doing Sherm?

Well it's been a while.

Life is going fine. The divorce is final as of Nov 3. Everything went according to plan.
For those who aren't familiar with my situation, my ex is "high-conflict" and the marriage wasn't one that should be saved. I got proactive and my threads would be worth a read if you're in the same situation.

I have physical custody of S7 and the Ex is paying me child support. Quite a ways from how this all started... where the ex was expecting me to be paying her.

The adoption process is starting for real at this point for FS9 and the boys are constantly referring to themselves as brothers. I even introduced them to the phrase of "brothers from another mother". They giggled about it.

As for the ex, she moved into the BF house before the ink was even dry. Still attempts to act like a tyrant/controlling. It doesn't get her very far... she gets frustrated and blows up. Blames me for everything, blah, blah.

Over the course of the summer she only had S7 over to her house 13 nights. She visited somewhat regularly for a few hours here and there, but I basically signed up for all the time I could and documented it. So when it came time for custody, that was established as me. This went a long way leading up to the custody trial and she was looking at a large sum of money every month. To get her to sign, I negotiated a lesser amount, but had to sign prior to trial. I also have a clause in that after 24 months it goes to state guidelines unless otherwise agreed to. Privately I told her to leave me along and to behave around S7... then I'd negotiate... otherwise it will go to the max. Good behavior lasted about 2 weeks after she moved in with the BF.

So I wanted to share some thoughts/recommendations.

Get familiar with Sandy's rules.
I've observed a lot of men turn into "mush" for too long before snapping out of it. You can't do this for your kid's sake.
Don't assume that you have to follow the stereotypical "guy" looses access to his kids and pays through the nose. You can make a difference.
Get familiar with your states custody determination laws. They matter and work towards putting things in your favor.
Get engaged with your kids.. You'll be their best emotional support if you do this.
Target 50/50 shared cost/care out the gate. Develop a documented track record of what you do with your children (i.e. make spreadsheet, notebook, etc.). This will give you the best shot at having the smallest child support payment and let you enjoy life with your kids if the worst comes to happen. It might also be possible for you to get more (as in my case), but you have to know what the criteria is and how determination is made in your state. MI has very clear criteria.
Do a little research on attorney's and pick one that is known to fight for their clients. I've heard a lot of stories about how the lawyer failed to do a good job
Do a little research on the most likely judges (for me it was more advantageous to file in a specific county).
Do not sign away any legal custody rights... you'll regret it later. I ran across a guy who did just to get it over with and now he has an uphill battle just to get visitation.
Be smart and own your reactions. Take the high road and learn not to respond to bait... you're feeding the beast so-to-speak and this doesn't help. My threads have some good ideas that might help.
If your STBX/EX is high conflict, be very careful about being alone with them... i.e. don't do it. Some have been known to hurt themselves, call the cops, and then blame you.
Get educated on what high-conflict means (cluster B personality disorders) and what you can do about it. There are resources out there and a quite a few books.
I made it a point NOT to date until the divorce was done. Reduced the amount of potential leverage my ex had for the custody discussion... which mattered to my particular judge.
Don't loose hope for you... There's always a bright side if you look. That doesn't mean things will go back to how they were and would you really want that? I'd say that regardless of whether it's with your former partner or not, the relationship has to be different to make it really work. Or you'll be back in the same boat.

I'm sure there's more, but this is what's come to mind as I'm writing this.

If anyone has questions, ask. I'll do my best to answer them. But just my 2 cents.

I'm starting to get serious about dating. It's going to be an adventure with the boys and figuring out babysitting. But I'm going to be meeting someone this weekend. We've been chatting for several weeks and we seem to fit very well. So I can't complain.

Oh... just thought of something else. In my case, part of my strategy was to capture/document what she was saying to me. When she was still in the house, I recorded conversations (check your local laws).

Once she left, I wouldn't communicate with her on the phone. I forced her to use text messages. I picked up $35 software that pulled the texts and voicemails. Ended up being great documentation that allowed me to protect myself against her false attacks.

She'd actually threaten me with doing it via texts 1st before actually doing it if I didn't go along with what she wanted. So it was pretty easy to defuse.

Great to hear from you Sherman, and those are AWESOME posts. You are a wise man, and a great father and any woman would be lucky to have you going forward!

Well done, sir -- much respect.

Starsky

Good to hear from you Sherman, sounds like things are going well for you. Appreciate the update.

Thanks!

I did think up one more suggestion. Make a plan early. Make decisions ahead of time and not in the heat of the moment when the emotions get going. Update it if necessary when things are calm, but otherwise use it.

I stuck to the plan during spew but it did get at me too.

.

I ended is a good place overall.