Hi V
So i've been away from the boards for a bit and i can see from the bit of catching up that i've done that the continuing revelations about your H havent eased up any.
I always said i had a different take on your H but even my most naively forgiven version is struggling these days.
Anyway I hope you are ok and you can see your path to better things and a happier life.
(((Vanilla)))
Joe, Gan, Edz, Dawn and Bob, I thank you for all the support as its really special to me.
I really would not be getting through this without the loving support of all the DBers who kept me going in my last thread.
For those who need to catch up, a Mexican stand off, V asked H to leave the big house and H stormed off.
I am trying to be so dark, still and NC. H is being vindictive and destroyed computer records.
V is about to go under financially and has work overload. The office had to move.
No sale on the Big House.
V had a belated birthday BBQ, some GAL, big GAL.
Filing soon.
V
Hi V
So i've been away from the boards for a bit and i can see from the bit of catching up that i've done that the continuing revelations about your H havent eased up any.
I always said i had a different take on your H but even my most naively forgiven version is struggling these days.
Anyway I hope you are ok and you can see your path to better things and a happier life.
(((Vanilla)))
Jim, can you explain your view?
I value your opinion very highly indeed.
V
Just want to lend support to you on your new thread, V. Hang in there, we all want the best for you!
Vanilla,
You would want to try to take an objective view of your sitch.
-Is this person I would want to be friends with...nevermind being in an intimate R with as in a M?
Absolutely not. Frankly as I was so inexperienced in this type of R, I feel deliberately misled. H is a compulsive gambler and I was taken for a ride. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. There is no redemption here and no future R possible as there will never be any trust. As H revealed his true colours and lost control (thank you DB) then he became increasingly verbally abusive.
-Does this person treat me with respect?
No. I will not drop to his low standards in this as best that I can.
I have made the decision that I will treat everyone including H with dignity and respect.
-Does this person support me and put me as the #1 priority?
No he does not, and in truth I believe H should be more self centred and less selfish. Although for a long time he pretended to. I have asked myself if I supported H and treated him as my number one priority. The answer is yes, until the damage got too great and in the end doing so was really unhealthy for both H and I. I am sure that H presents me as the 'bad guy' in all this and that is his choice. His life and I would love him to recover, but it is up to him to do that for himself.
Wonka, I am truly frightened by H and his rants. H is an aggressive and controlling man who has lost control. His brand of control is unpleasant and abusive to me. I do not like his behaviour at all and it makes me anxious. I am detached from him but not the irrationality.
H rang my office today and quizzed my contractors about the BBQ over the weekend. A weekend of GAL for me for my birthday. H asked some detailed questions of them and they were concerned by the nature of them.
V
V,
I am going to go a bit further and ask some difficult questions here.
-Do you want to remain/be married to H?
-Do you want to expend the energy in DBing H?
-With 20/20 hindsight now, has some of the character flaws remained unchanged in all of the years you've been married to H?
-What are your core values as Vanilla, not as the wife of HName?
-What do you truly want in the second act of your life?
V,
I am going to go a bit further and ask some difficult questions here.
-Do you want to remain/be married to H?
No Wonka. My papers are ready to file. However I still stand for my M and the vows I made.
-Do you want to expend the energy in DBing H?
Wonka, you know I love you dearly. I am DBing myself and standing for my M. For me personally, it has been about my recovery and that journey has only just begun.
So will I expend the energy? absolutely.
In the same way I will continue my GAManon meetings : I am V and my ex H is a compulsive gambler, this is part of my story. I will pay it forward.
Will I love H? absolutely I will, and I hope he will be happy and resolve his issues. It will take more than me DBing this H to do this though. That is OK too.
-With 20/20 hindsight now, has some of the character flaws remained unchanged in all of the years you've been married to H?
H appeared to change the moment we married. Within 3 months he had given up work and received a payoff. That's when his behaviour deteriorated very quickly. Whether that is as a result of his life sitch, his personality or his compulsions is for him to know. I have learned that whatever the cause is, and that bridge is crossed and burned, is irrelevant. I will live a life free of abuse, and frankly if H behaves this way towards someone he claims to love, then it's a pretty poor show. This fat lady has sung "I will not be abused, that is my boundary, you have breached that boundary repeatedly even though it is enforced. Now leave".
-What are your core values as Vanilla, not as the wife of HName?
My core values are simple enough, to be guided by my higher power and to live as spiritually and with love as only I can, one day at a time. To be serene in my 12 steps. I also will take better care of my physical needs, I was granted a beautiful healthy body and mind and it is within my gift to take extreme care of it.
What do you truly want in the second act of your life?
Love, to love and be loved.
Thats generous Wonka, I am moving into my fourth act! I plan to stabilise my Fins and be with my friends and family for a long time.
V
V,
I am going to post some comments from my angelic team about a situation I faced recently and it centers on the theme of radical honesty & truth. I am going to quote here for you as you contemplate how it relates to your situation with H.
You may take it to heart or discard as you see fit. As always, use discernment when you encounter people and situations.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your Higher Self is present, activating your powers of reason and intellect. It asks you to develop clarity and objectivity when looking at your life, rather than interpreting events through the murky and distorted waters of emotion. Strive to see the reality of what happened in the past so you can acquire a more accurate understanding of what's going on. You may notice things that make you uncomfortable or challenge your ethics. Ask your Higher Self to give you the courage to stand up for your truth and address difficult situations at their core, rather than distance yourself or pretend you don't see the real problems because they make you uncomfortable. Like the child in the fairy tale "The Emperor's New Clothes", your Higher Self is motivating you to not only see life more deeply, but to also show your perceptions with those around you.
This is the time, for example, to address your unbalanced budget and look for ways to to cut corners. It's also the time to acknowledge your ever expanding waistline and seek out what's really eating at you. This is when you need to step away from your emotions and dispassionately study the problems at hand so that you can come to a solution without blame and projection. Ask yourself what the problem is, not who the problem is. Only then can you begin to find real solutions with productive outcomes. Your Higher Self is sharpening your perception and clarifying your view so that you can make important and necessary changes at this time.
As Carl Jung once said, "When the diagnosis is correct, then healing begins." And your Higher Self's message is: "Look for the truth behind appearances."
This song seems to speak to me about my current position:
Life goes on
You sucked me in and played my mind
Just like a toy
You would crank and wind
baby, I would give you what you wanted
You left me lying in a pool of doubt
If you're still thinking you're the Daddy Mac
You should have known better
But you didn't
And I can't go back
Oh, life goes on
And it's only gonna make me strong
It's a fact
once you get on board
Say goodbye
'Cause you can't go back
Oh, it's a fight
and I really want to get it right
It's my life before me
Got this feeling that I can't go back
Wish I knew then what I know now
You held all the cards
And you sold me out
Baby, shame on you if you fool me once
Shame on me if you fool me twice
You've been a pretty hard case to crack
Should have known better
But I didn't and
I can't go back
Na, an, na, life goes on
Na, na, an, na, only gonna make me stronger
Oh, oh yea
Got a feeling that I can't go back
Life goes on
Oh yeah.
Life goes on and on and on
Reprise
Gotta go now I am on a run
No turning back
Gonna make me strong
Gotta feeling that I can't go back
No I can't go back
Oh yeah
sung by Lee Ann Rimes
Thank you Wonka for your insights and for sharing with me.
V
You're welcome, V. Er, isn't it waaay past your bedtime in the UK? I surmise it's close to 3:30 am GMT right now.
Wonka
I am still working. Trying to prepare payrolls, clients need to pay their staff. H deleted many records on his way out the door which has required quite a lot of work to restore and put right.
At the moment working many hours and through the night, trying to save my fins and my business.
H has done a great deal of financial damage.
V
V, hope you can take care of your business, but make sure you take care of yourself also. I cant imagine having to deal with the damage hes caused in your M along with the intentional damage to the business also. Take care.
RD
You need a new thread my lovely one. I would like to post to you and don't want to be the one to lock your existing thread.
V
Hi lady v,
I don't have much to add for your sitch right now bar sending continued positive thoughts and wishes and I hope they keep you topped up in this difficult time as you have so many things to tackle.
As to H you should do what you've so elegantly put before, stand for V, when you've faced and beaten (and you will) the current issues assemble the life you want and are happy with, BFT/WFT/Woof included and go from there, go dancing, go skydiving, go .... be V.
If you stand for H and M then do it because V wants to and if not then be the V you want to be and seek out a special someone if you want to be in a relationship, they will be lucky to find you.
Take it as easy as you can V, be kind to yourself and take care.
(((((Vanilla)))))
Edz and BFT
Hi V,
Hope you are getting some sleep too. I like working late at night, but found out that sometimes its better to sleep well and have a clear mind in the early hours.
V, the way I see it is that if you want to stand for your M then it's a road called patience. Your H should be very lost right now. That's what happen to abusive people. They are strong in their twisted mind because they have someone that will allow them to continue the abusive way.
But V said enough to him, moved away from him and this is probably driving him crazy.
First reaction is to attack, but soon enough you will see a H that is all regretful and with lots of self pity.
Hope the business side gets in some shape that V will be able to breath again and have the free time to enjoy life. V needs some rest soon. You have a long journey ahead of you V.
You are an amazing person for all you have been doing for yourself, you should always be very proud that even with lots of fear, you could stand for yourself and your whole life.
Love and hugs for you my precious.
Pink
((((Vanilla))))
Don't really know what to say so I'll just send you a hug and sloppy kisses and tail wags from Molly.
I hope you didn't fall asleep at your desk V. Lack of sleep is bad news :-(
Hugs to you V. And sleep.
Wonka, if you have a few mins to spare, would you be a dear and cast an eye over my latest draft email to WW. I feel as though I can finally get back on the DB program after a few months of 'anger therapy' (it didn't work) but I still have resentment fight on. Toots and gan are also pitching in for which I am truly grateful.
Hi Vanillia. I'm going to sound like a broken record but however important the company is please get some sleep and look after that health.
H is a basta@d for doing that to your records and not quite right in the head
Take care. AND REST. Rd
Hi, V. You are so sweet, strong, and kind I sometimes forget how much pain you're in too. I want to give you a huge hug and then sit next to you helping to repair the business. I'm sorry your H is so hateful to you. You deserve someone who will meet your best self with his best self. Remember to stand for yourself too, my dear, and not only the marriage.
(((((((((Vanilla)))))))))
V, hope you can take care of your business, but make sure you take care of yourself also. I cant imagine having to deal with the damage hes caused in your M along with the intentional damage to the business also. Take care.
Thank you Fogg for your thoughts, yes I am not taking care enough of the key factor of production. My plan was to start eat nourish glow last Monday but events have overtaken me. I am seriously overeating and stopped formal exercise, sleep is poor and a couple too many coffees and wine. Yesterday I attended a funeral and had canapés and wine. Pasta for tea with orange Wednesday friend and granddaughter at her caravan near Bognor.
Some of the damage done by H is clearly intentional and much of the rest of it is laziness and stubbornness. I do believe he was frightened of the work, I saw him have a full blown panic attack about the payroll which fell into his domain. Plus H was compulsive. He believed he was more capable than he was and threw tantrums if I interfered.
H also charged for work that didn't need doing and felt it was ok to sit all day and search for golf stuff on the Internet or watch sky on his iPad. He crafted spreadsheets which had little use in budgeting or planning. Spewed and ranted if change or suggestions were made. In the end to avoid confrontation I stayed silent. If I said anything at all or asked to review it wasn't received well. h felt he knew best and as a result many things fell through the cracks. That is my reonsibility Fogg, to a large extent I am the architect of this, not H.
I don't believe that the way H did things was good and he was a 50% owner and director in the business but he didn't take 50% of the responsibility or do even a quarter of the work. H also demanded that things were done his way and often immediately. H criticised just about everything but had no solutions. At the end of the day though I am holding this baby and it is very ill.
V
Hi Vanillia. I'm going to sound like a broken record but however important the company is please get some sleep and look after that health.
H is a basta@d for doing that to your records and not quite right in the head
Take care. AND REST. Rd
As always RD you hit the nail squarely on the head. Today I start eat nourish glow. Healthy food, sleep and exercise. I am going to turn all of this around. I think if I exercise then I can and will sleep better. There is much going on and this can be changed almost immediately. The one good thing in all this is that my Fitbit is saying I am very active. Moving offices, having BBQs, packing up H stuff, doing a great deal of cleaning and fetching, carrying and lifting is movement. Not formal but it keeps the calories burned!
I actually swore in a text, very nonV, I called H an @hle! His behaviour is manipulative and poor. H is gone and now I can move forwards without his interference.
I can change very quickly and some things can change quickly. Others like Fins and health can take a long time like a tanker turning at sea and moving to a new destination. You know a tanker at harbour can't turn but in the rough open ocean the change of direction will occur.
Change is my mantra from today. 180s all over.
The Serenity prayer is my guide: grant me the Serenity to accept the things I can not change, courage to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.
Thanks RD.
V
Edz
Another R is the last thing on my mind at the moment, somehow that seems impossible. H was a poor choice indeed, my heart is too broken at this point to even think of anything.
I have never been one for waywardness and although I no longer wear my rings, I have chosen a ring from my jewellery box and I wear that on my ring finger to show that I stand for me. I stand for M and I stand for me, I am unavailable for a new R, in my state and mind too damaged to be of use and to truly commit.
My friends have been so supportive, especially orange Wednesday GAL pal. So loving and supportive. I would be in a poor state without my DB friends here giving my support, hugs (90% of them from Pg!) and generous dollops of encouragement to help me stay on track.
V
Pink,
H likes control and yes he doesn't have any in my sitch. None at all, whether it drives him crazy loco is his choice but H will have no further control over V or his business.
He can keep his nose out of it and his fingers from the pie.
Frankly stay away from me H. I want dark, so pitch black that H can no longer see which cheese less tunnel he is in. I do not want to be H cheese, go get your cheese elsewhere if you can find it then H that is good.
Over the weekend I will review the D papers and I will file next week. Absolutely done with this, I will not be abused in any way. It has stopped.
V
Dawn. OD thank you for the encouragement.
Maybell, thank you and yes I am in pain but I believe we should walk towards the pain and through it. Use it as a motivator. Unwelcome as it is then I want it over.
I shall rest a little and then leave the friendly arms of orange Wednesday pal and her granddaughter 10 and go to the gym.
I missed my dental appointment yesterday. The tenants have no hot water as the boiler is broken, the drain is blocked again at their house. The shower is poring water at the Big House and the hot water tank leaking. I want to swap the jeep for a van as it isn't selling. The big house isn't selling either, the new offices not exchanging. All in all, hassle and of course life is free of rants and spew.
There is much to do and today is a new day.
V
Oh V.....I feel for you. Keep up the fight. You will find happiness. In the mean time...cheese, wine and chocolate. Xo
Dearest V, I wanted to drop by and send some good vibes your way. You've been so strong through all this and have been such a bright star to so many here. Things sound like they have been so tough for you lately, and although I can see you still trying hard to carry on, I worry for you if I'm honest. You've got A LOT on your plate between H, the house sale, the business, the busted boiler, the water leak...do please take care of yourself first and foremost.
Hi V,
Hang in there dear. I know it is easy for us to say that you need to think about yourself first. But, the kind of problems you have are not easy fixed and need immediate attention or it can and will get worse.
So just hang in there, ask for help if you can. There are always people that will stay away to respect your space right now, but they would love to help you. You just need to ask.
Right now, you need to use people's hands and ears, you need to relay on others in order to get through this time.
Soon, things will fall into place and V will have a nice life with some reason to laugh again.
You are in my prayers, may the Lord help you do not feel so sleepy, so tired, so regretful, so angry, so hurt.
We love you V,
Pink
Hi lady V
I know exactly what you mean and no I didnt think you'd be looking for a new R anytime soon, just that one day you may do. Ultimately V should stand for herself and is fighting hard to do so, what happens next happens next and if anyone can shape chaos into a plan and then to contentment I have no doubt it's Vanilla.
Please take care and when you can get a furry friend, a BFT,WFT,OFT (Orange Furry Thing), Waggy or other then get boogying again and enjoying life as you want it
Lots of warm, positive vibes from all of us Lady V.
V, just stopping by to give you a big hug!!((((( V ))))))
Hope you are doing better. Thank you for your encouraging words for me on my thread. You have such a nice way of looking at things. You have been my rock through all this. If we were closer, we could get together and bitch about our wayward spouses!!! LOL!!
Hi Vanillia. I hope the putting off of a future R is excluding us guys on here !!!!!
I hope work is getting easier and things are starting to get back to the order you need
There was something else , , , , oh yea ,,,, health and rest. !!!!!!!!!
Take care and please clarify the R and us board posters !!!!!! Rd
Hello Vanilla.
Sorry, I’ve been extremely busy and haven’t been on the DB Forum much at all for a few days. But I caught up with your sitch.
Maybe you will find a little comfort in this verse:
“But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength” (2 Timothy 4:17).
{{{{{V}}}}}
Bob
Hi V,
So maybe you are out of the board taking that 48 hours nap you said would be good for some recovery?
Sweet pie, you are so loved by us all, I hope you really take it to your heart and embrace that life is not just what your Mad H showed you.
Like mine, your life has been quite a Hollywood movie, but maybe it is the way for tough people like us. We are just too stubborn to let life to bit us down.
You will be one piece again, your balance will be reestablished and you smile with pleasure once more. There is no bad that will last forever. Our Lord gives us trials so we can grow stronger and wiser and sure closer to him, we just need to believe.
I know you had some water troubles to take care after and hope it was resolved without much drama.
You are an strong and beautiful woman V, life will smile at you again and there will be lots of laughter yet. Time is our friend and we are learning something very important... we are worthy and we deserve to be happy.
Have a nice weekend, and please, answer RD, he is very worried you won't keep him in your heart. So bad, he is already betraying me going after my super friend V. And I still talk about hope related to these guys, we are all crazy to believe them....kkkkkkk
Love you V,
Pink
So maybe you are out of the board taking that 48 hours nap you said would be good for some recovery?
Sweet pie, you are so loved by us all, I hope you really take it to your heart and embrace that life is not just what your Mad H showed you.
Hi V,
I second what Pink wrote. I hope you are doing ok. I am a litte worried about you, too.
We hope to hear from you when you feel up to it and have time.
*Hugs*
Bob
V, I just got caught up. I am visualizing you as a phoenix rising from the ashes. I can't imagine how hard and heavy it is, but I know you will get off the ground. Although you must care for yourself, surf on the stress. It is what it is there for! You will be able to collapse and take a week in a friend's arms when the job is done, the body will let you at that point.
I am heartened to hear a complete lack of self pity, and practicality and strength - though you would have every right to it, and I know you must be hurting and terribly upset. I wish there was something tangible I could do for you. I used to run payrolls before my last career change.
Hi V,
Just stopped by to say that you are in my prayers and I hope you are doing well.
I know you are probably very busy, but just think you have a lot of friends here that are cheering for your happiness.
Love,
Pink
Hi. Vanilla. How's things ? When you get a moment could you update please ?
Take care. Rd
And another update ping from me and the bft lady v, how's it going?
Lots of positive thoughts and hugs from us both.
Hi Vanillia. It's been a good few days , any chance of an update please. Me en if it's short it would be welcome
Take care. Rd
C'mon V. I'm considering coming over there and searching the streets for you ... which may take a while.
Yes V, do please check in and let us know that you are ok.
I'm adding my name to the list of those who are keen to hear from lovely V. V - do let us know how you are doing my friend. You've been having a tough time, and we are all concerned to know that you are doing ok.
Take care, Toots xxx
My wonderful DB friends, thank you.
On Friday I hit the wall, 24 hours to file 34 payrolls on line and to correct STXH mistakes. You will all be pleased to hear I made the deadline bar one filing, a new payroll which would not file, but I have the rejection notice. All new processes for me.
On Saturday night I slept through until Monday lunch time with only pee and water breaks. Was groggy until Tuesday.
Amoung all this managed to send out two large invoices and was paid within 4 days. This settled some immediate bills and paid the rent. First crisis narrowly squeaked. accounts have less than £100 in each but I made it by shuffling and using credit cards.Apologised to contractors about Fins, but they are being loyal. Paid two least expensive contractors up to date and only one invoice for Feb left on another. But of course the May invoices will be due at the end of the month. Hey one day at a time.
My VAT return is due by midnight Friday too, so no easing up for V.
Still have leak in the shower, and plumber fixed tenants boiler so that bill to come too, won't be cheap. In addition drains blocked at tenants house so paid that with cash. I need to pay the cleaner on Friday and the Gardner and discovered I have no cheques for my new account!
One day at a time.
One of staff is being evicted next Friday and so currently they are living in my spare room as they are effectively homeless.
Office should have completed but hasn't, need to sort that tomorrow.
Next fin crisis in 10 days, another crunch.
Jeep has gone, I exchanged it for an old van once used by BT, put the small balance on a credit card.
And H is officially a bigger idiot than ever before. I am packing his things and finding junk everywhere. I decided it's his job to sort it so I have merely packed his stuff very very careful. Ironed things that need it and washed the stinky pooh stuff. Cleaned and wiped all types of rubbish.
Stacked H endless paperwork with my glasses off so I am not tempted to read any of it. Boxed old crumbly items with great care.
Who needs 3 golf travel bags? Well apparently H does, and all of those old suitcase are seeing good use. I advised the kindergarten crew that H is officially a hoarder, every nook and cranny packed with stuff. He has 4 times the clothes I have and at least double the number of pairs of shoes. I outshine him with boots though..........
I have more scarves and hats. a wonderful collection of hats from my cancer time.
I promise that normal service is resumed and I will catch up on everyone's sitch with great speed.
V
Glad you're doing well and wading your way through all of it V!
One day at a time.
Big hug,
PP
Z, if you want to come over and do some payrolls, I have a spare room at the big house. We do laugh and giggle too.
Z, H has misbehaved. Yes, you were spot on such a fast recovery, H is not tired and ill at all. Who would have known?
For those who have forgotten, it's been sooooo long. After H trashed computer records I locked him out of the house, and his things are packed and left in the gym at the big house. H has a key to that. Despite me repeatedly asking that H lets me know when he is visiting to collect, he is turning up unannounced at the most unusual times to collect his things. He arrived in the middle of the BBQ weekend and now knows CF and her BF stayed over. CF was one of Hs POWs but seems to becoming a friend of mine. H was very 'upset' at this.
So I have told him that if he does not agree a visiting time then I will change the locks on the gym and he will need to agree and wait for it to be unlocked. boundaries need to be enforced.
My text to H ended with the following
' what is hard to understand about I never want to see you again? Make it happen'
The extent of the damage of this compulsive is appalling. I carry my share of the responsibility and it will be rectified!
V
Great to hear from you Vanillia. Glad things looking a little up I will post again but thank you for posting.
Take care. Rd
Pink and Bob, I read your prayers and thank you. As you know the 12 steps mean so much to me and I have a spiritual life. I love your thoughts and prayers Bob, I take great comfort in them.
Pigpen, your hugs are famous and really restorative, thank you so much.
Oh yes peg tooth was finally capped so big hole in jaw is now filled. Feels strange to have no gap, I hope it's going to be alright.
Gan I am looking to read up on your travels and Toots, once again I shall be following you round the board agreeing with you.
V
Great to hear from you Vanillia. Glad things looking a little up I will post again but thank you for posting.
Take care. Rd
RD I am going to give my all to this. I shall be DB with all my full force. I exchanged a ring H gave me for a simpler one in a second hand jewellers. A delicate ring of small pink diamonds and I am wearing this on my ring finger. a symbol to me that I am choosing myself and my survival. It is my new DB symbol. I stand for V.
V
Thanks Joe for your words.
Bitch I dunno....
Tea and cucumber sandwiches with sympathy I can do.
V
Prettily? ;-)
Are you planning on going to Jamfest? I'm just being cajoled into going. It didn't take much though.
Happy to see you back V. You are a strong woman and dealing with all this with grace and dignity. One day at a time is all you can do. Big hugs...Karma
OD we were thinking of Jamfest, it depends on workload at the moment though.
Karma thank you.
One day this week I performed well (Monday), Tuesday was tooth day and not so good. Wednesday was very poor indeed and yesterday was tail spin day with little done, I was exhausted so rested and then went to the gym and sauna. Good thing was I caught up a little with every ones posts on this board.
Did pack another 4 bags and 6 storage boxes of H stuff though for him to collect, I am looking for this phase to be over so I no longer have to find any item of H or his past life around in any location. I have another three or four boxes of H stuff ready to pack. I seem to have only just started, his office is packed, his clothes, shoes and now his "ornaments" and pictures. A little of his electrical goods, lamps, phones and mirrors packed. Next kitchen, bedding, towels, laundry, microwave and cookware. So much stuff, at least it will make moving easier!
H is off to Madeira on the 9th June and isn't back until the 19th, he should move his stuff from there. He is going for golf.
My IC says not to file for D until H has moved his stuff which is as fast as I can pack it and he can collect it. I am going as fast as I can manage and as fast as H brings storage boxes. Because I am selling the Big House then I don't want the house to look cluttered with boxes otherwise it would be "big b ang".
My IC describes this as "gently untangling" and says that I am too gentle. She thinks the results may be that H will perceive me as invested still in an R. When he realises that I am gone from any R then his reaction will be either anger at loss of control or severe depression. I should watch out for vindictive retaliation. I have to be careful to give H all of his things.
IC says H will likely crash in roughly 6 months but believes I am recovering a little. Trauma takes a long time of recovery. As for me I live each day, one day at a time, I can only deal with today and that is a handful.
I will work my sitch today.
V
Yes, best laid plans etc.
Started clearing a storage cupboard and throwing away boxes from things long gone. I found 4 storage boxes of H, I did not know they were there. Things of his deceased wife. Diaries, old paperwork, her will and other stuff.
I do what I always do, remove my glasses so I am not tempted to pry. My heart was full of sadness for a woman I have never known. a woman who fought battle with cancer and lost. A difficult thought crossed my mind if this DW had the same stresses I have had.
I know she cancelled her life policies when she had cancer, which I thought very strange. You can never get cover if you have had cancer and the mortgage on their house wouldn't be paid off, leaving H homeless. Was it because she wanted H to wake up to hit rock bottom? To stop him gambling? and yes she went to GAManon the booklet was there to pack.
I did not pry, I respected her privacy but I recognise the GAManon logo.
I cried at the destruction and I feel very 'out of body'.
This has phased me as I always thought she had never known that H was a compulsive gambler who had gambled away their home by remortgaging and was heavily in debt. Now I have no illusions- DW did know.
My heart feels so heavy.
V
V, that must have been very tough indeed. It's hard enough coming across things belonging to people who have passed away, let alone someone you now know you share a common experience with but never met. I would have been thoroughly rattled. Take it easy today.
Oh, V. I am so sorry.
We used to say about my father, some people, have no bottom to hit.
I am sorry that your H's ailments fell away also.
I do understand how it all burns. I really do.
I'm learning that abusers do not often have any idea that they are abusing and manipulating. It is as natural as breathing air. Most of them do indeed see themselves as victims. And every choice afterwards is justified.
Maybe this dear lady would have wanted you to know what she went through. You never know if she's been watching over you all along.
V, you have shone so bright during some very dark days. Imagine when the sun really is shining for you. I cannot wait!
My IC says not to file for D until H has moved his stuff
Is this just to mitigate his reaction when he's served divorce papers?
I know in my case I've been waiting for the spectacular reactions and they shown themselves yet. My IC is recommending to be very careful post BD. That's when they'll most like come.
V
Sorry to hear about the new info about DW and H. I'm not even really sure what to say to that. It just makes me angry and saddened at how much damage a person can do without realizing it.
IC says H will likely crash in roughly 6 months but believes I am recovering a little. Trauma takes a long time of recovery. As for me I live each day, one day at a time, I can only deal with today and that is a handful.
With as much as your dealing with at the moment any recovery is still impressive. Many would be sinking and your still rising!
Oh dear maybe he won't wake up or hit bottom. Sounds like a sad stich with his poor late wife.
Just have a wee sad spot and move on nilla.
Wow V. Now it shows his gambling was not out of sorrow from his loss of his wife but something that has been with him all along. He has chosen his addiction above all he holds dear. How sad and pathetic is that?! You don't have another woman to deal with but his addiction his his other woman. His addiction comes before any thing in his life.
This box that you found was a gift. You now know that the truth. His past will dictate his future unless he choses to change. What a waste when this man has had two amazing women in his life.
Big Hugs to,you V.....you too need a distraction ......or two. ; )
K.
Gan, Zelda as each day goes by and I discover more and more then I recognise the compulsions and addictions are in control of H.
H has wasted his life Karma, and I see only a downwards spiral unless he wakes up. I see similar things in others sitches sometimes. RDs WW comes to mind and I am sad at the losses.
Gg thanks for posting again, I missed your concise directness.
Fogg, I can either sink or swim, swimming seems the better option.
V
My IC says not to file for D until H has moved his stuff
Is this just to mitigate his reaction when he's served divorce papers?
Yes. The D papers will not be pretty reading. I can also use the MP3 of h rants that I took to the police if I chose, they are recorded in his file. L says that it all goes in and the D will be quickly over.I know in my case I've been waiting for the spectacular reactions and they shown themselves yet. My IC is recommending to be very careful post BD. That's when they'll most like come.
I think my H is in the stringing it out mode. He is collecting his stuff very slowly. That actually suits my purpose because as I will have to move then I am clearing as I go. But in fairness to me. I have much less in the way of chattels than H. Far fewer clothes etc to shift. But there is still items to move and boxes and boxes of it.
I want no drama, so I will let it unfold as it will.
V
Zelda, no bottom to hit. It can be true, Pink posted so about her dad and how her mum loved him all her life although she became free in the end.
I know this abuser believes he's right! He's right because V isn't a 'we' person in his eyes. Apparently the only thing he wanted was to be 'together'. If so why the golf, the booze, the sky sports, the ranting and the gambling?
I admit that I would no longer go on holiday with H and because of his drinking and ranting I hid when he came home from the pub.
My main fault was in not speaking out about the abuse sooner. I had almost no boundaries about behaviour. I sat and watched the oncoming train and only moved out of the way at the last second.
This has aged me a great deal and wearied me. I really want something different in my life.
V
Commitment
What I am looking'' for is a love that's forever
Someone who can capture my soul in a heartbeat but stay for all time
What I'm prayin' for is a match made in heaven
Someone who will worship my body and still put his heart on the line
Commitment
Someone who'll go the distance
I need someone with staying' power
Who will make me go weak in the knees
Commitment
And everything that goes with it
I need honor and love in my life
From someone who is playing' for keeps
Sung by LeeAnn Rimes
I was mistaken this clearly wasn't H. But then perhaps he did not have his hearts desire either, just Plain V.
Must go I have boxes to pack!
V
Just plain V. !!! You do yourself such a dis service that I am moved to tears. You have a huge heart and you thought you could help H. You probably did and a lot more than you will ever know.
Please believe that you are a very special person that any man would be blessed to have in his life
I'm not posting much at the moment but I am reading others sitch. I've said this before Vanillia, you have more strength in your little finger than all of our WAS put together
Take care Vanillia and no more putting yourself down. Rd. xx
Thanks RD
I spent the whole of the weekend packing H stuff into boxes.
I had absolutely no idea H had so much stuff, it lurks in cupboards, hides behind doors, under beds, in pieces and with wires.
Absolutely no idea why H saves almost everything. Duplicates and triplicates of essential items, repackaged. old spares and manuals from long deceased equipment. Old phones, battery packs, leads etc. I have just packed it. I have no idea why H wants to save this stuff and it's not for me to decide. I have carefully packed almost every single item, the only items not packed are mouldy, perished or so corroded they will damage other items. I have wrapped in paper, cleaned and sprayed polish.
As I go I have de cluttered my stuff, but it's pathetic in comparison. A little like a mole hill compared to a mountain.
I need to make a decision about CDs, LPs and DVDs. I will record these before I hand them back to H. This may take time but I doubt H will notice the slow return as most of it is packed into the attic in boxes.
Gracious, I have a new hobby! learning ripping, Edz kindly advised me a few threads back so I will begin.
I am as stiff as a board, carrying boxes and more boxes. Mirrors, lamps, pottery, electrical equipment. The small van is full, packed to the core. Not one single space, but it's done.
The one thing that strikes me is that H has little sense of humour. I find most things amusing but this infuriates H. I have found myself rocked with laughter at some of the items saved. Why would H save his DWs, old underwear or empty perfume bottles, he must have some sentimental reasons. Empty shampoo bottles anyone? Toilet roll cardboard? Chocolate foil wrap?
By doing this de cluttering I feel so much lighter and I open cupboards and things don't fall out on me. I open drawers and they are organised not crammed. I can see the towels in the airing cupboard. I don't have 3 ironing boards two of which are damaged. I have only one iron, one Hoover, one mixer, and no electric knife!
Old cans, bottles and jars are thrown away. Junk food is gone, empty biscuit tins kept because they are attractive, gone. Old towels kept for cleaning gone. Tea towels with holes gone. H you can have all these to sort and clear, none of this is mine.
I am aware that in the Big House I was gradually crowded out. Less and less of me and more and more of H. I have white towels, dressing gowns, bedding and covers. I throw away or recycle damaged dirty and worn out items. Old electric stuff is recycled straight away.
I know that I was struggling under a mountain of stuff. Suffocating when managing it.
I feel freer as H takes his stuff. I am also noticed that there is very little of 'our' stuff and what there is has been bought by me. H spends his cash on H, and my cash goes on bills.
This has been a real experience for me. Unique.
V
Sending you a big hug V. I'm sure as you unclutter your house from your H's stuff, your heart and mind will rest with more ease as well.
You're a total rockstar for handling your sitch as you have in addition to being such a great supporter of everyone on this board.
If I lived closer you'd have a personal assistant to carry boxes to the van and/or trash!
I second carrying the boxes , I would love to be there for you. Again the strength in Vanillia shines through !!!!!
Positive thought heading your way.
Take care. Rd. xxxx
Z
I am hoping you are lurking as wanted to post about the important issue you raised on your thread.
I don't want to lock your thread though.
V
Sending you a big hug V. I'm sure as you unclutter your house from your H's stuff, your heart and mind will rest with more ease as well.
You're a total rockstar for handling your sitch as you have in addition to being such a great supporter of everyone on this board.
If I lived closer you'd have a personal assistant to carry boxes to the van and/or trash!
Thanks Pg, I feel freer already. RD to help, done in a flash.
I offer my friends who carry boxes etc, a good homemade curry (with chutney) cheese (of course) and a glass of vino with some shared laughter till the sun goes down. Those on trash duty get extra helpings for sheer gumption.
V
Extras are my favorites - so I've got trash.
V thanks for being V. You are an inspiration.
Hugs from way over here!!
V....there is nothing plain about you! You have so much to give and deserve the same back. It is hard to watch someone go down as you have with your H. If you didn't let go of the rope he would have dragged you right down with him. It's going to take time but you will rebuild your life. I wish only the best for you my friend.
U turn, extra it is. Welcome to Vs thread and thank you for the hugs.
Karma, I am so pleased for your sitch, I am still afraid that I will go under. A whole weekend of moving H stuff and packing up. A complete waste of time that I need for my business on a wasteful man (wasterel). Today I carted everything back for H to collect and he announces that he is not coming. Tomorrow H goes away for 10 days to Madeira to play golf.
Today I felt so bad I haven't worked and I need to pick up speed. Very tired and I ate rubbish, feeling so tired, so very very weary today. I think I might have a bladder infection too, so gallons of water and protective Antiba. Bed rest.
A hot bath is in order and some sleep, maybe that is the best I can do for today. Perhaps that is what I should accept. just do some accounts posting or invoice sorting. Or more work on time sheets. Needs doing but not urgent.
That way I get to move forwards. Just do something for today.
Rest awhile and enjoy it.
I may wash my sheets and get that done.
Onwards and upwards.
V
Good news H is away for 10 days. So nothing will move and there is still much to clear, I have only just started at the Big House. At least the Brighton flat is cleared.
A hot bath is in order and some sleep, maybe that is the best I can do for today.
You cant tackle tomorrows problems if you don't take care of yourself today. Look at it as an investment to tomorrow. Sleep, nice bath, find something good to eat. Just relax and recharge your batteries.
Hi Vanillia. Best thing you've posted in a while. You need bed rest Take care. Rd
V, sorry to hear you're not 100%....take care & hope you're all better soon x
Fogg
My staff who are being evicted are living with me. Made a chicken Tagine from left over chicken, peppers,onions, garlic, tomatoes and fresh spices. Absolutely delicious. I made some pilau rice. A portion for u with chutney.
Enough to share.
V
RD
I was in your sleep pile with my onsie.
V
Vanilla,
I am indeed lurking. Checking in on you and glad that you have enough out of the way that you're giving your body permission to rest now. All my love.
Z
Hi V
Thank you for popping by to my thread. I see you too are on the recovery and recouping side of things. I admire your resolute position of onwards and upwards. There is indeed a shining light when looking up...cheers to our futures Lady V xxx JB
Thank you so much for your words today V, I wish there was more that I could do for you. Your energy is such a boost to so many of us here on the boards, truly it is.
It sounds like you've got your hands more than full, I wish you lightness of heart, ease of moving, and peace for the day today.
Big hug,
PP
Zelda, I have contributed to the abuse discussion on your thread.
Zelda abuse discussion You are a very brave and courageous young woman, you have my full support.
Jb, it's lovely to have you back posting after all your health issues. Recovery is slow and steady I do have down days. Today looks to be a good day.
Pg you are very welcome, it is joy to see your growth and watch you develop in our DB world.
V
Vanilla,
I just wanted to drop by and say thanks. Your posts are uplifting and your advice is spot on. Take care of yourself!
Thank you Defacto.
I read your thread too, and you have a very encouraging attitude and some really clear and inciseful posts.
Good news today, the homeless staff member and her disabled H who are staying with me were offered their own flat today. We went to see it and are really pleased!
V
Ad hoc old post
When H goes into verbal diarrhoea mode. I spend my time analysing it. Here is the improved version from HP thread:
Spew- incoherent rubbish designed to put you on edge.
response: STFU and walk away
Abusive spew: incoherent rubbish designed to put you on edge and insult
response: STFU and walk away, next day correct boundary infringement
Rant- all of your "faults" that annoy them designed to release anger for them at your expense
response- STFU and then validate " I can see why you might think that"
Abusive rant- designed to release anger for them at your expense and insult
response- STFU and walk away, next day correct boundary infringement
Sulk- make you feel small for wrong doing
response- STFU and ignore, act as if did not happen
Rail- designed to press your buttons keeps on about one issue, can even involve following you to the loo
response- STFU and leave to go GAL
Disappear- designed to make you worry and apprehensive
response- STFU detach and act as if all ok
Tantrum- no purpose whatsoever but feels good
response- STFU and look surprised
Blame- design to shift responsibility
response- validate and deflect if not responsible, if are responsible diffuse by accepting responsible then apologise then walk away
In all sitches detach and if necessary act confused.
Vanilla
V
Another random thread
OP
I have observed they fall into several categories none of which seem terribly stable. It could be that a WAS or MLC looks to find an ego boost so chooses an easily influence OP, who is not developed as a person and often less than spouse.
Here is Vs a light look at some categories of OP:
1. An innocent or numpty,
perhaps young but inexperienced easily persuaded and availability is total. This type is likely to cling and be dependent, to want long term and permanent. Will have poor boundaries as inexperienced, likely that WAS will cheat and cover it up. Will post lots of cute couple pictures on fb once WAS is S. Could feel guilty if A exposed. Prognosis for long term poor as naive will grow up as the limmerance wears off.
2. Narc overt or covert
Only interested in married partners, keen to break up marriage to boost own ego. Initially dangerous but will get bored and moves on to break up next marriage. May even tease but ultimately pull away. May break up marriage deliberately to feel superior. May even marry for money before moving on, leaves WAS poorer. Do not challenge as this will only increase the ego boost for the narc. prognosis for long term non existent.
3. BPD
Will stalk WAS, charm and then bunny boil. Hard to get rid of, think Glenn Close or the H in gaslight. Stay out of the way of the venom and let WAS deal with the Sitch. Will burn out and repel WAS as the mask falls. Could be dangerous, LBS strategy you can have him. long term no chance.
4. Drama Queen or Poison Baby
Will run down spouse of WAS as is afraid the spouse is wonderful and feels inferior. Will try to poison WAS against spouse, may turn up on LBS doorstep and say leave WAS alone, likely to spy, accuse WAS of cheating with spouse, will tantrum and be petulant. gives WAS a taste of own medicine. May even attempt to alienate children and family of WAS. Master in emotional blackmail. No challenge directly by LBS, flirt with WAS will drive this type into more bad behaviour and make more insecure. Short term only.
5. Skank, pond scum and easy lay or bike
Exactly what it says on the tin, for one night only or a repeat late nighter. Sex available but not always that good. Very insecure and often superficial, may even be married and a serial cheat. A danger to health. No self respect and no respect from WAS either. Could even be an escort. WAS likely not to want to acknowledge connection. Not worth a thought. Not even short term.
6. In lurve soulmate
Ideal companion in early flushes of infatuation but in the fullness of time every day life will cause tensions as WAS has to meet increasing demands of a more normal relationship. Ultimately brown grass not greener grass. Possible longer term but likely a transitional partner to asuage loneliness and aid movement. Allow to run its course, if LBS interferes then it is WAS and OP against the world. Lasting up to 2 years.
7. Lost love
Rose coloured glasses, the past relationship between the two failed to make it because of incompatibility or perhaps never started so will this. WAS unlikely to meet lost loves expectations or memory especially if they are in MLC. Illusion shattered. lasting up to 2 years.
8. Charmer or Mata Hari
More selective than one nighter chooses the most attractive prey or may be for money. Sex as art. May play games and may be satisfied with EA, long play in seduction after control. No interest in a R at all. About the conquest not the sex. This is all about the chase, may even be married. Could be a work colleague or long distant. Might be a catfish or online. Once caught will extract and leave WAS wanting. Will not tolerate chase. Ignore as no relationship possible.
Hope this brought you a smile
If in doubt, STFU. Good tip.
I smiled, just as I read the comment about smiling. The power of words. I guess OM in my case is 1 or 8, or some crossover.
Great insight in your last two posts V!
Big hug to you!
PP
V....great posting.....keep venting it is better out than in! Xo Karma
Hi V, I also loved your two posts back over the page! It sounds as though you are managing everything with tru V aplomb just now. I do applaud you for that, and hope life becomes easier for you soon. V deserves the best in life!!
In case you thought you had lost me....I'm posting on the midlife crisis part of the forum now, but my old thread locked before I could post a link.
It's a wet and grey morning here, but I hope you have some nice weekend plans V xx
Fog, Pg thanks for dropping by.
Karma and Toots an absolute delight to have you post on my thread. Toots I found you in MLC there is no escape.
The two posts were written for Dawn and originally posted on her thread to amuse as well as to structure my thinking. I am gathering thoughts together for the new abuse thread. Started in Zeldas current thread. This is Zs thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2577791&page=1The new abuse thread in newcomers opens at 8 this morning.
Apologies the link icon on the ipad2 does not work and logs me out of the site when I use it. So will switch to another device.
V
New abuse thread
New abuse thread New thread to prevent locking
next thread Vanilla Fudged 18 V