Pink's Journey # 2 - DivorceBusting.com

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I am an emotional mess today. Working now, but will post soon to get some advices. It has been a painful journey.

Pink.

Previous thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2556131#Post2556131

Pink

I am sorry you are so emotional today.

Yes, this is a very painful journey that we are on and endure.

My heat is with you today.

Heavy

So, I did a lot of NO, NO yesterday. H texted me:

H - Happy Mother's Day! Thank you for being such a loving mother for our sons. I hope you enjoy this day with them!

Me - Thank you for letting me be the mom for your children. They make me happy. Sorry I am a good mom but couldn't be a good wife for you.

H - Pink - Please don't think that. I am thankful for so many amazing things that you have done for me as my wife, and for our children.

Me - I am also thankful for all the nice and amazing things you have done, said and showed me as my husband. It's just a day to think that I really and truly regret I did not say or showed how important it was in my life. You are an amazing person. I wish you all the happiness in your life and I am sorry for all the wrongs I did to you.

No word from H after that. The boys and I went for late lunch, early dinner and it was a lot of fun.

Once back in a house, I called my mom in Brasil. Meanwhile I was in my bedroom on the phone w/my mom, H arrives at the house. S20 came over and told me that dad was home..

I finished my conversation with my mom and when I came downstairs H was gone and the kids said that he was kind of annoyed that I did not came downstairs.

H left a beautiful bouquet of white roses for me. It took me by surprise, I did not expect that at the end of the day. So I react and made a bigger mistake. I called him to thank the flowers and then start talking friendly. I also asked if he would like to come back and maybe we could go somewhere since he was hungry and we could talk.

H said that he could come back, he hesitate and then said that he was tired because he was working and he needed to get some sleep because he did not sleep much the night before. And he also said: "I think it is best not to meet because I really need to keep doing what I am doing".

I told him that I got it already, that our M is over and that he wants to D, but I think that we need to talk about a lot of other stuff including the schedule for our kids. He said that he agree with me but was thinking he would better go to sleep.

I felt miserable after the call. I know I messed up big time and did not think before I react to those stupid flowers. H knows me and knows that I am an idiot romantic and I took the bait.

I cried like there was not tomorrow, was painful and the worse is that I do not know if there is anything I did right or if I just did everything wrong. I am so confused. I need to get a grab of myself or I will go insane.

Any comments are welcome, the 2 x 4s too.

Pink

I don't think you did anything wrong other then apologize for not making him happy. You can't make him happy and his problem is not your fault or even about you. I would stop apologizing and blaming yourself its his problem.

The flowers were nice and the phone call ok. Don't talk about the M or the D.

Someone just told me because I messed up on Mother's Day too and talked about R that it doesn't really matter because if they come back they come back and those who aren't going to aren't and that they don't put much stock in what you say anyway.

I was advised to just be patient and quite and wait for them to come to you. So I am passing it along. So move on with your life and just keep eyes and ears open.

Hi Pink. Don't be down on yourself , you love this man !!!!! We can all see that in your posts. He loves you too just doesn't feel it at the moment. I hate to use a 2 x 4 because you know I care for you BUT this man is sleeping with someone else ! Life can change in a heartbeat and no one knows how your am will end up I have great hope for you and H because he seems so lost , however he is not the man he was because that man would not hurt Pink like he has.

Please take this as its meant Stop putting yourself down in front of him and when you think of yourself. Your Pink , beautiful , intelligent , caring , kind . Passionate , a fantastic mum and a great friend to all you meet. If H cannot see this then it's his loss.

He got the flowers but couldn't wait to give them to you !! Come on !!!

DBing is so hard because you have to do what's not natural or comfortable. You have just made it clear to H that he can comeback into your life whenever he wants. He can, but he can't know that. Pink cannot be plan B , Pink is plan A+++++.

today changed nothing but tomorrow and all the days after dan , it's upto you Pink

DB like a champ , you can do this , your H has to see he can lose Pink ( to a certain Irish man that shall remain nameless for now !!! )

Pink. Please accept that you still love him so stand for your M. To you it's hopeless but this is your family your thinking of and its soloo hard but you can do it

Pink above is my thoughts , I hope I have not upset you and I say everything from my head , no emotion

If I let my emotion speak , then , drive to the airport and head to Dublin or London and I will be there to meet you !!!!!!!!

Relax my friend , it's ok You have your wonderful boys , a great job that you love and your life ahead of you. You will be happy again I promise. And I would t lie to the future Mrs Rd !! !!!!!!!

Take care and post a lot because all your supporters on here will have great advice for you.

Huge hugs and kisses Rd xxxxx

Just dropping in briefly as away & on my phone. Agree with all the above. Try not to worry or over analyse. He is lost & not himself just now & can only resolve this at his own pace. Last night I read something that helped me. Google raising peanut midlife crisis.

Take care xxx

Thanks for the support HeavyD.

Skhdive, I think that I did pursue my H. Asking him to go out with me, right after he gives me flowers for Mother's Day. I should have tough about and wait a half an hour or so and take a decision of just calling or send a text thanking him.

The apology was a bit much, I should stop that once for all. I need to move forward and somehow it has been pretty hard. It feels harder then if I just force myself to move on.

RD, thanks for your words of wisdom. I am in no way upset. I know I was doing good, not pursuing, being more independent and then I lost it and bit the bait. Like a silly fish. H spoke with my mom about me, she said to him that if I did not love him the way he thinks, that I would be far away from him.

So, it almost seem that he wants to check the temperature. When he left for his big trip I did not sleep in a house, he was here, did everything possible to stop me going out and I still left. He comes back and I am nice but distant, then the next day he does this and bang... Pink is showing him how much he needs and love him.

Oh well, I need to pick myself up and let go, I can't change what I did, I can just do better next time. Need to look for somethings to do.

You sure had some harsh words, but it just show that you have good values inside your heart.

Toots darling, I think that sometimes I feel very upset with the whole thing. It is always this wait, wait and wait. Sometimes I wish that things would be good or bad, but something would happen. It's always this complex things.

But I think you are right. H is kind of lost. Although sometimes he seems very well oriented. I can't just think that he is lost just because he is not in love with me anymore, just because he wants to divorce me and make a life with someone else. Many people do that.

Will see, need to get busy, really busy.

Love to you all,
Pink

Hi Pink. How are you doing today ? Any thoughts on how your goi g to DB and relax back from things ?

Maybe if you accept the old M is gone All you did wrong and all H did wrong is in the past. You have worked on your issues and in time H will work on his. The time frame is the problem because we have no idea how long that will be.

While you have love for him in your heart you have to do what's best for Pink. As an outsider looking in you need to carry on with your life knowing that you will be ok and happy again Your goal is your family reconciled and that is very very possible but it will take time. Your H seems very lost and is acting out of character for now Let H work through his issues. Set your boundaries re H in and out of the house and then relax , DB and let the future be what it will be

Pink , nothing you say will influence H. Carry on being the best Pink that you can be Keep improving at work and take fantastic care of those special boys of yours H will see that he could lose this incredible person and he will have to make some hard choices. All the while Pink is acting AS IF and H will notice.

This short term pain will be over one day and you will be in a place of happiness and have a happy future ahead of you. Stay strong for you and your boys and in a strange way for H.

Take care. Rd. xxxx

Hi RD, I was just thinking about all this yesterday and this morning. I think I am getting to this place and time were I want to move forward.

I have been reading TO's story and it is helping me a lot. There are a lot of good advice from Sandy2 and others.

I have been reading DR and DB again, as well as The 5 Love Languages and most important have been checking one by one of the Sandi's 37 rules.

I realized that I am not DBing. I do things to get a reaction from my H but I did nothing to change this whole mess and that's why every time H comes around with his crazy roller coaster, I became an emotional mess.

So, I know it is not going to be easy, but I need to get real, I need to stop pretending that H will just turn around and tell me that we can work on our M. All the signs are there that he does not care about us, family, kids or whatever, he is just worry about himself (as he was always)and I have been behaving as a blind person for all this time.

I will start a list today of what I am doing for myself as a woman, person. Another list of what I am doing for and with my kids, like who does what, what direction is everyone going. And then I will have a better picture of what we need to do to improve our lives and move forward with it.

I also need to be honest with myself and face that I am very confused in regard of my H. For awhile I did not feel much, but now I see how much H have hurt me.

At first I blamed myself 100%, then I decided to clean some of my childhood wounds and now I can see it very clear that I am a very caring and nice person. I did a lot to help H build up his career, I took care after everything in a household, kids, responsibilities, I did it all.

When he decided to have a R with OW, he did decide that all I did was not good enough. It was easy for him to run away from troubles that life will always bring to us. He is a coward. But for me, this shouldn't be the most important issue right now. I really, really need to get moving and LET GO for good.

I say I love my H, or at least the one I got married one day. But the reality is that I do not know anymore, I do not know if I still love him or if I love the idea of him. My feelings are very mixed up.

What I know for sure is that I have three lovely creatures right there, beside me. On mother's day, they made me a card, they wrote crazy stuff and said that they are happy their mom is very crazy and they can write with freedom.

They are stronger and bigger then me, and instead of a big hug I got in the air. They gave me many kisses and said that I am an awesome mom. I have a wonderful family and I am the center of it. All of you are right telling me that H will be the one missing all this one day.

Right now, his priorities are others that we don't even know. His life is a mess, he is depressed, crying himself being a poor victim. I need to LET GO on all this and do not think much about.

I need to start educating and training myself every day to think a little less about him, and disconnect from his insanity.

Thanks for your words RD, you have been helping me a lot. It's amazing that you give me hope that there are men with a clean mind and a clean heart that can talk about values and sacrifices.

Thanks for being my friend. I will never forget.

Love,
Cira

Hi Pink. Great to hear your making a plan. Your boys are very very lucky and they appreciate it which is fantastic.

I am not trying to defend your H but if it's an MLC then how clearly is he thinking ?

This is the time to focus on Pink and what she needs You right to let go of H and his actions You have no control anyway so try. This is all very easy for me to type and will be very hard to achieve but you are more than capable of doing it

Take each day as it arrives Life has many twists and turns and 6 months from now it could all change so wny put effort into it. Today , right now , you are a loved person, your boys , your family , your friends , people you work with and your pals on here ( especially me ! )

Hug your boys , laugh with them , enjoy their company , what could better ? Nothing. !!! How lucky are you ? Three amazing boys and a whole world to enjoy Pinks time is now , right now. The future is just that , it's now that matters and enjoy every minute Fill your life with Pinks things and enjoy them.

We are all here for you Pink and anytime that your feeling down post if you think we can help. Fill your mind with all the positives in your life and do t let the negative in , why would you ? It's negative !!! !

Huge hug ( and I'm spinning you around too !!!!) your friend Rd. xxxx

Hi Pink, I agree with most of what you posted above. However, I also believe that your H may well still love you and that he may well turn around one day and ask to reconcile. And I don't say that to get your hopes up in any way. I completely agree with all that you say about making your own plans. I'm trying to do the same and I think it's a good way to go.

I agree with what RD posted. And I'm not trying to defend your H either. But I don't think he is thinking clearly at all and I expect that may well change at some point. BUT - and it is a big but. When (or if) will that be? When will your (or my) H realise that they plan to D women who are good people, beautiful and who love them? Will they realise? We just don't know. And judging from current behaviour from both our H's - possibly not any time soon.

So because of all of that, and because we value ourselves, we need to make our own plans and seek our own happiness. We've both come a long way in the past year, and we have a long way to go too - with or without our H's - but I have no doubt we'll get there. I look forward to hearing about your lovely plans.

xx

RD, thanks for your kind words, you made me smile again. And please know, that thinking about you always makes me smile and makes me feel loved, what is exactly what I need right now.

It's not the first time I need to stand up for myself and move my life forward. This time is just a bit harder.

I will keep the positives and since it is spring, I fill my life with Pink. You can probably picture me when around your daughters. I am very girl, even when I am all tough, I am still pretty much a girl. Crying, complaining, whining, with all the girl stuff around and lots of pink.

Toots... we are so amazing!! We are in these crazy soap opera drama for quite long now. And yet, like you say, we are trying our best and moving. Me, not so much as you. You are a very good model for me Toots, many times I think I would like to be like Toots, because reading your posts always translate to me that you are this super organized person and every pieces of the puzzle just fall in it's place.

I like to be organized, but my life is always on the go. I feel like I am always so busy.

I will try and try very hard to succeed, start taking H from my court. We have just a few months to go and then we will probably be divorced. Oh well, I can't control anything right now, just myself and my feelings, so I will try my best to start preparing myself for the future.

I agree, H may be in the fog, confused, depressed and whatever else, what I realized is that is none of my business.

Thanks for always being there for me Toots, I think I will be feeling more positive to post on your guy's threads.

Love,
Pink

Hi Pink,

It looks like RD and Toots have it covered.

but i want to echo some of what you and they have said in that whatever is going on with your H his behaviour of late has not been good for Pink and that trying to understand it isnt necessarily going to help you move forward.

Its really good that you've got more of a plan and at the same time you can let go of your H and is foolishness and embrace all the other things you love in life.

Hi Jim,

You are so right. LET GO OF YOUR H AND HIS FOOLISHNESS. That's what I need to do. Unfortunately it's easier said then done, so I need to start designing my plan today and have some kind of direction that I will follow.

Reasons to let go: # 1. I am right now going to S15 doctor's appointment to check on some chest pain that has been bothering him for a few days already. I do not think that it is heart related, but it is better to check.

So, yes I have bigger fish in my tank and is better to let go on things that are not so important.

Thanks for your support Jim,
XOXO
Pink

Wise words from Jim, Pink...

Hope things went okay for your S at the doctors xx

S15 have some kind of virus and has his neck glands swollen. The doctor said that it may cause chest and ear pain because he is 15 years old and is developing right now, but she said that since he does not show much of other symptoms besides tiredness then we can just wait until the virus is gone and keep an eye on him just in case he gets worse.

S15 is pretty healthy, so he will take it easy and if anything happen he will be back to the doctor, but I think he will be alright.

Busy week, just dealing with routine stuff. Kids are busy with lots of homework, projects. Finals next week and then we can relax a little bit, finally summer school vacations. Really looking forward to that.

H comes to pick up the kids everyday this week, got in a house on Monday an today but I decided not to be around.

Still working on my life projects, not done yet.

Hope everyone is doing fine.

Love,
Pink

Hey lovely Pink. Glad to hear S15 is doing okay....bless him! Sounds like you are just 'keeping on keeping on' as Edz would say. Nice that the summer break is just around the corner for you guys. Will you take some time off yourself??

Also looking to hear some more about your life projects. Pink, I think you downplay your achievements. You say you think I do so well - but I don't have a houseful of boys to nurture as well as working. And I have little contact with H. My life is a lot simpler in many ways - I only have to worry about me! So, I don't think you should downplay how well you are doing, I think you should give yourself a huge pat on the back!!

Take care! xx

I am thinking of you Pink and musing.

It's complexity my thoughts for Pink, something's muddle me a little. Fudging so to speak.

Glad about S recovery.

V

Hi Pink just to add my voice to good news re S

Take care. Rd. xx

Hi TOots, Vanilla and RD,

Thanks for posting.

BY the way I did really great... I think.

S15 had Orchestra concert yesterday by 7pm (he plays the Cello). I arrived to the school auditorium by 6:30 and sat very close to the stage.

I used all my power to hold my head and not look around for H. Annoying, there was a guy that sat right beside me and he kept trying to talk.

Anyway, when the concert was over, I took my sweet time to leave the place and as soon as I walked to the hall I saw H standing were we normally wait for S15. I did not walk there, I stayed far away from him and was on my phone.

H came over, got close and had a big smile. He said Hi, and I answer with another hi and a smile, like I was just surprise to see him there. He asked me how I was and I said fine and asked if he liked the concert. He said that it was good. Then I comment that at times if was a little to slow, but was a nice one.

S15 came over and did not talk to his dad. I did not say anything, I just started walking to my car. H was walking with us. The three of us walked together and very quite. We got to my car and H was around, I did not start conversation neither walked to were he was standing. I said: Well, see you later. H said godbuy to S15 that just said Yeh to his dad, then he said Good Night Pink, I did not look at him, I said Good Night H and got into my car.

Today H send me a text that reads:
Pink, if you are in agreement, I will plan to spend Saturday afternoon with our sons. I can be at the house by 2pm. I have a course in Boulder 9-12:30, I will cook dinner for them and stay as late as it make sense. You let me know if this works for you OK?

My answer: Fine.

I know I am not detached all the way and I know it is still hard to just let go, but I think that I have got it better now.

What do you think? Am I doing this DB thing right now? I feel awkward, it's like pushing him away, far away, but maybe in a way it will be better for me to move on too.

By the way, I was looking good (some would say hot). I had a skinny dark blue jeans, a loose blouse that is a bit funk, grey high hill low boots, nice make up one (not much), and my hair was very straight. That got H looking at me like saying "You look good". My hair is very long now and it's natural curly, so when I straight it, the length is in the middle of my back.

I don't know, maybe this is all a waste of time, maybe H is just so decided to be far from me. But, maybe doing this I will feel better about myself.

Do you think I did it right? Any advices? Any advices for tomorrow when he comes to the house?

XOXO
Pink

Hi Pink. You did great. It does feel awkward and wrong but it's the only way because H has to see he can lose you

Re tomorrow can you stay out. ? Can you visit with a friend ?

this is a long journey and its going to be very tough. Your H has a huge connection with you and that's always going to be there The love you two had can be brought back but your H has to be thinking clearly. You can only control you but you can help H by showing him that you can move on without him.

Pink , H has to believe that you are moving on and you have to be cheerful and happy around him but only like you would with a neighbour Pink you also have to start to move on for real. My opinion is your H will be back but it could be a long time.

You can do this Pink , you can get through this and you will be very happy again

Today is the first day of your plan Pink. Today is the day H gets his wake up call.

Friendly and nice but distant and no R talks , none , absolutely none. If he tries , your busy.

Take care. Rd. xxxx

Pink

If you felt it went well that is good enough for me.

This isn't pushing H away, think of the analogy of the castle and the picnic or the lighthouse. I call this the Edz strategy. Attraction by just being, just standing still and becoming the best you can be.

Pink think about you and your Sx3, how much you have in your lives. Feel sad for H who through his choices has lost so much to gain so little. Pink just be.

Can you be away whilst H stays with the boys?

V

Hi Pink, it sounds fine to me - although in your responses to H, you could add a little more warmth than just fine - think 'distant warmth' - eg: "that's fine H - I'll be out that pm" - just softening a little maybe.

Great that you looked fab - but don't worry about what he may think. Look fab because that's how you want to look when you go out - don't worry about his reaction.

I think he has too much of his journey left to take to turn back right now. And because of that, you need to keep your focus on you and your own life. Keep walking forward yourself, not looking over your shoulder. If he wants to catch up at some point he will - but there's a lot of work for him to do if so, and I doubt he's ready for that just now.

I read your thoughts about the doctor, and I had a similar situation. H working away a lot, and I worked with a guy who seemed to think I was great. He was M. You can see how easy it would be to cross a line. I never did do that, because I loved H and knew I could never be at peace, lying my head on the pillow next to him and knowing I lied to him. That was the big thing for me. I don't think there's anything to reproach yourself for.

I'm reading this helpful e-book atm. It's called 'Detach and Survive: A book of self-care for the wives of MLC men.' I'm finding it very helpful and it mirrors DB principles too.

Have a good weekend, lovely Pink xx

Thanks RD, V and T,

You all have the right words for me. And I believe it is the only way to go from now on.

RD, I feel I would like to move on for real, I really don't know what is this. Even my family says that they don't know what is going on with me since I was never this way. I am a very easy detachable person. There was no one in my life that could grab my attention as much as H does now.

I spoke with my mom yesterday and told her what is going on in my life right now. She was happy that I am finally giving some value to myself and thinking about what I want and need for my future. My mom said that it was getting her worried to see that I was down and so much about H left me, poor me.

The thing with my family and friends is that I was always a very, very tough and strong person. My core is made of Iron, I always did what I want to, always moved forward and with a lot of life on me. I am a doer, I do not sit around feeling sorry for myself, ever.

For awhile my friends and family saw a destroyed person, one empty and without much hope. So everyone is worried and asking me when I will just kick H in the rear and tell him to get a life away from me because he does not deserve me.

And yes, that person is coming back. I did not dress nice just because H. I have been feeling good about my appearance, and believe me, it is important for me that I look in the mirror and like what I see.

I also have very mixed up feelings regarding H right now. I don't know anymore if I really want him back or not. There is something changing inside of me and I am feeling that life may be better without someone that cheated on me.

I have been thinking about what H says that he felt I did not love him for a long time and I can see that maybe it is true. I start remembering what are the things that could be better in my M and I can see many, many things that maybe me so unhappy beside H. The first and main one is that I always tough he is a very selfish person, and that is something that did not change, he is still doing all the same s**t.

Maybe it is all part of detaching. I am letting go, but it is still something there. If I would think percentage, I would say I am 50/50 right now.

Regarding today, I do not need to be home. As a matter of fact, I have some work to do. We have been extremely busy and I have a pile of paperwork to go through. You know I work with orthotics and prosthetics, we are getting a lot of new patients, including a lot of veterans without limbs. Then you can image a lot of doctors clinicals to read and look for the right info we need.

The positive in all this is that once I complete my classes, I will see my own patients and that will be a better income along the lines. It's exciting, and I believe it will be some financial independence for me. I can't and do not want to relay in my alimony and child support, it is too risky and I can have serious problems.

V, this is what I am trying to do from now on. Not just for H but even for however sees me. I want to just be, but for me would be more light the ocean. I can't be something static, my personality is sweet and crazy at the same time, and the truth is that I like it this way. I am very dynamic. I am learning to just be, maturing into a real woman, transitioning from the young lady to a stable woman. Well, to a point because I will always love to be a girl and do all the girl stuff. Love it about us girls, we have all this amazing stuff about nails, hair, makeup, dresses, shoes, purses, and so on and on. Love it.

T, you know I ordered my T-Shirt that Jim is designing for the fan club "I agree with Toots". And I do, my H seems to be far away from me and very decided about the D. I know that he still loves me, but I don't know how much, and I don't know if his love is enough for any reconciliation. I even don't know if my love for him would be enough for a R.

So I need to let him fly, he needs to go and live his life and I need to be free of fear, sadness and whatever bad stuff, and fly too. Now, I want to try and see what is out there (like in Ireland, just kidding). But really, who am I now? Who can love me next? How would I feel hugging and kissing someone else?

I am changing... I still don't know if it is good or bad, but I am transforming. I am getting Happy again. And the amazing thing is that I don't feel so much fear and do not have so much weight over my shoulders anymore. I don't even miss my H as much anymore. It's a crazy journey, and I am feeling good to step on my next chapter.

Love you all, without you, I would never be where I am now emotionally, you have been helping me a lot. I went to hell and you rescued me (kind of poltergeist). I am happier because of your advices and all the caring words, I am a better person because you took the time to let me know how much you care. I feel that life will be better because I know that somewhere in the world there is people like you.

I love you guys, I wish one day life can find the way to let us meet so we can hug each other and say Thank You face to face.

Love,
Pink

So, H came to the house by 1pm instead of 2pm as he told me. Well, by now I should always expect that it is his thing now, he always shows up an hour earlier.

I was making a big breakfast for the kids. H came to the kitchen and start asking how is my health, that he is worried about me. I said I am fine. H could see that I have an eye infection but I told him I went to the doctor in the morning and I was going to pick up some antibiotic later, H started telling stuff about work, just like before BD. I listened, and listened a little more.

But at some point I said very nicely that I am happy all those things are finally happening to him, that he worked very hard and for a very long time and now he can have some fun with it.

H knows me and got the message. Then he went to the living room and set there watching some TV cartoon with the boys. For over an hour it was life a funeral.

I continue making the breakfast and it was like he was not even there. Once I finished, called everyone and told H I sat a place for him too. He didn't wait a second and sat immediately.

I was super hungry, but decide do not eat with them. I said goodbye and left. I went out with a friend for walk, then we went for some shopping, then I went to work and came back home by 9:30pm.

H and kids had just finished dinner, when I came in H said Hi, I smiled and said hi to him, got a glass of wine and went to my bedroom. I put some music on, took a shower and sat on my bed writing to Tlee. Reading T's story about his wife leaving made me cry a lot. But, I start writing to him and thinking about that the words I wrote, they were also for myself.

By almost midnight H knocked my door and said that he was leaving, I went downstairs to get a cup of coffee, walked with him to the front porch. H was sad as usual, he kept looking at me. I was not cold, not angry, I was just there. Talking about S15 and his plans for football, the football camp, the visit to the doctor. And, for my surprise he didn't know much of anything. What a shame.

I thanked H for spending time with the boys and said that it is very good for them. H asked what I will be doing next weekend since it is Memorial Day holiday and I said that I am thinking to go white waters rafting, that by now the water is plenty and rough the way I like.

H said, yep, you always love that, plenty of water.

I did not answer, just said that I need to talk to the boys and see what they want to do. Then I said that if he wants to do something with the boys, that he can go ahead and do it, and that I would go by myself and he would be with the kids. He said that he was thinking to spend just a day with the kids.

H said goodbye twice, and made sure to give me a kiss, first on my cheek, then on my front head. I did not replay. H left like he had just buried his mom and dad, he was down, really sad.

So, awkward or not, I did what works. It was actually surprising for me that I was OK. I was not anxious or nervous, this time around it is more natural. I was just not there, looking for his company. H is noticing that things are changing, and he does not know what I am up to.

I also asked if he was leaving for another trip and he said that he is not going to be traveling much now, that he will be around and to call him if I need anything. No OW visitation lately, things are cooling off a bit.

I feel good, with a mix of sadness because I need to leave my house so my H can spend time with his kids. But if this is what will wake him up, then I will try it. I think I am finally understanding this whole detachment stuff, I can feel it.

We will see where it goes...

Love
Pink

Hi lovely Pink. It sounds like you did really well. H came over and you were pleasant, but you just went about living your own life - good for you. Even when he looked all sad, and was perhaps hoping for something more from you, you didn't give that. Good - that is you being full of respect for yourself and letting him know that whilst he's messing about with OW, you won't be there for him as a W.

Interesting that things have perhaps cooled a little. But, I wouldn't take much notice of anything much he says just now, and carry on as you are. It's important not to look over your shoulder and think - is this making a difference? If you are acting 'as if' you are truly moving forward alone, and if H wants to catch up, you can be sure he will.

It's a long weekend here next weekend too. I'm going out with a new friend this Saturday night (the one whose H was unfaithful and she changed the locks.) Then GALing at the book store and also seeing SS and his Mum - should be nice....

Have a good day Pink xx

Hi Pink. That's the way. You could not have done better. H spent some time with the boys , which was nice for them and you treated him with respect but coolness. H has to see that Pink is starting to move on.

The next step is consistence. This is the way to be every time from now on with H. No matter what !!! H will soon realise the sad face will not work and he will have choices to make

It will be very tough Pink but you can do this. Pink needs to move forward regardless of H. We all hope H pulls himself together and tries to sort out his life but Pink has to be good to Pink now

Take care Pink. Rd. xxxx

Thanks Toots and RD,

I think I did alright, I don't really have too much hope and I need to move forward as best as I can. H seems all sad and does not show too much energy but who knows what is really going on in his head. I just know that he is OK with this life he is choosing.

It was also very hard to hear my children today. They want me to stop telling their dad that he needs to spend time with them.

They told me that H left after I left yesterday. He told the boys that he was leaving and would be back later. Then after two hours he showed up. He even went to the barber while visiting with the kids.

They also said that he sat down to watch TV with the boys and then fell sleep. He moved around and sat down again and slept again. So S15 said that he was gone most of the time, even when his body was in a house.

So, H is still the same, a boring piece of s**t. Selfish and an empty shell. Somehow he just know how to take care after himself.

My children were telling me today why they don't want H back. Why their lives is better without him around.

It was sad, a torture to me. Because now, I have the boys saying that they do not like the father the have. S15 got a little emotional saying all the things that hurt him and how many times he wish his dad was gone.

I crashed, it's wonderful to hear that your children love you and they think you are an amazing mom, but my heart is broken and I really don't know what to think about all this.

By one hand I would like H to came back, by other hand I will be hurting the kids again. I know my children will be gone at some point in time to their own lives, but is this something worthy it the trouble?

They said many things that are really heavy. They said that their father is manipulative, that he abuse them emotionally and mentally. That he never said one word of caring and loving them. That his way of showing support is comparing and degradation. That he always compare the boys lives with his and that he is always better then them.

I am so very confused. I don't know what to do because I know my H did a lot of selfish stuff and I am not sure that he can change. He did not have a good childhood and perhaps he won't change ever.

I guess I will just do what I can do for now. Work, do my classes, be a good and supportive mom, help my boys to find their own path and be somewhat happy, have some fun with my friends and live one day at a time.

One thing is for sure, it will make detaching a must, because we all need some distance from H craziness. I am so sad today. It's like all my hopes are gone. I hate feeling divided, but that's the way I feel today.

XOXO
Pink

Hi Pink. Sorry you down. This is the roller coaster and when your boys are involved then it make it much worse.

If I can chat as a friend for a bit. Your boys are your world and it's clear that your a fantastic mum. The boys are very badly hurt by their dads actions but that can be overcome with time and a contrite H. All you can do for now is be there for them and reassure them that H does love them You can't explain Hs behaviour to them because you don't understand it.

Pink Whenever I talk to my kids about EXW I always keep in my mind that in 10-15 years from now I would want them to look back and see I did nothing to turn them against EXW

In the scheme of your H coming back one day , I have no doubt Pink could forgive H because you are obviously a good person who has compassion and you still love your H very much The boys are going to be lead by you if t/ when this happens and they where raised by you so that compassion and forgiveness is in them too.

I wish I could stop the pain Pink , I really do but its all part of the process and the good news is happiness is also part of the process and that will be there for you at the end

have a good day and I'll be sending you positive thoughts all day. Take care. Rd. xxxx

Hi RD,

Today the kids and I overslept and I woke up in a hurry, opened my bedroom door, well, I am in my underwear and a tiny blouse on the top and the first person I see outside the door is H. He came to pick up the boys and since we did not answer our phones he just came in and was upstairs to wake us up.

I ran back to my room and H said he was sorry and left.

Wow, talking about privacy and boundaries, this is all so crazy.

Later today my L called me and said that we need to close on the house final price. I did text H with some quotes of the stuff that need to be fixed around the house. H did not answer me back, will see if he will answer today.

I did write something I already regret. After talking about the quotes I wrote: "Sorry to bother with this but it is something I need to resolve, once it is done I won't bother you ever again."

You know why I did this? because his betrayal hurts me a lot yet, because I want to free him from me but want to make a point.

I know I need to let it all go, and that is the way I will feel better, but I act as a immature girl. And he knows I am still hurting and if I am hurting is because I still love him. I am such an idiot.

Well, another lesson about DBing. Another lesson to learn. I need to stop being passive aggressive. I believe in forgiveness but I still did not forgave H yet.

Lets see what happens tomorrow with this house price. Slowly but surely time is going by and soon we will be signing our Divorce papers and it will all be done.

Thanks for stopping by.
Pink

Hi Pink, don't worry about your message to H - it's done now. Just learn and move forward. I feel the same, that I want to show H how much I am hurting, but also I want to try and save our M. But with DB, it is hard to always maintain the aura of moving on - sometimes we slip and that's okay. A M wasn't made or broken by a single interaction.

Sounds like you and I are at similar points with the house. Ours is going to be listed for sale this week. My experience with houses is that there will either be a little flurry right at the start and it sells, or it just takes a while and many viewings. In many ways, I just feel quite numb about the house and I want to get it shifted, have money in the bank and move on. In others, we have many family memories there, got married from there, and it is hard to leave behind.

My H has been pretty helpful with the house actually. I have removed pretty much all of my stuff now. But there was quite a bit of tidying and sorting out to do, which he has done. I'm glad, because I didn't really want to do that - although I have offered help. Funny having your H upstairs in the house....how do you feel about that??

Have a good day my friend xx

Hi Pink. You sound really down. Please don't worry about today. It means nothing and as Toots says its over and done now. Move on to something more positive.

Have a really good day

Take care. Rd

I am not as down as I am very confused. H is very good about answering all my text. Well, he is sitting on this one since yesterday and it bothers me a lot.

He says he wants to D me. He moves out of the house and then behave like he loves me. Always look at me like I am the most beautiful woman in the world (I am not all that). The thing is that he is delaying the D process.

It was suppose to be me doing it, he is the one that wants to get rid of me from his life. If I think about DB, then believe zero of what they say... H talk the talk but does not to follow it. He basically did nothing regarding this D, just talk about it.

His actions are weird. I really would like to punch him in the nose and break it and make him wake up and be a man. If you want something serious like the D, then behave accordingly. Do not make my life and the kids life a living hell just because you are a princess with hurt feelings.

I am getting sick and tired of this whole drama.

And yet, the part that bothers me most is that I feel the idiot still loves me. His eyes can't lie and I see in his eyes the big confusion in his mind.

I know I need to be strong and I am trying my best, but it is just a very bad place to be. Hanging in there with H telling others that he is done and as much as he feels sad he knows he can't live with me anymore.

Even my L is asking me if this D is for real or not. L said yesterday that they always have cases were the D doesn't get to the end and he advise me to talk to my H and find out if he really want to D or not since he is doing everything to delay it.

I don't know what to do, I did not stop the D process and even if I don't rush it, there are dates, timelines that we need to comply with the court. No rush, no nothing, just a simply process to dissolve the marriage. What a hell!!!!

H put the s**t right in front of the fan and now he does not want it to blow all over the place. Well, I do not want this D, but if this is upon me, then I will do it with pain or without.

I feel like my head have a million little guys inside and they are all running in opposite directions and with different opinions.

I don't know if H is feeling the fact that lately I am very distant and moving on with my life. I am a very independent person, always have been this way, so for me it is not too hard to show that I can take care after myself and that I am OK with everything. Maybe I am also making him very confused, because I write something that means I still love him and behave like I already took him out of my life.

I found out that when H talk about me, he always says that I don't love him for a very long time and that he was feeling really hurt because he knew he would never make me happy. Really?? Maybe he needs to open a side business consulting people to read their minds.

Thank God there is this board were I can spill all my guts in here, because I feel like I am going to explode and today there is a lot of patients to be seen in my office. Ahg. I want to scream right now.

How to measure if what you are doing is changing anything or not? Maybe I need to go to some stories and read about how thus the WAS behave when they are confused about what to do for real with their M. I just don't know.

I am all over the place, not outside, I keep my cool outside, people don't know that I am in this turmoil and emotional disaster. It's inside of me.

Any advice is welcome, any idea is welcome, any experience about this is welcome.

PS: It was awkward to say the least. The tiny blouse I had on was a very bright pink that shines in the dark, funny ah? So, H probably had a big shock, he probably got blind for a few seconds since I stood there.

You know when you just wake up, look at the clock and find out you should be living the house by that time? Yes, you can't think well and I am not much of a morning thinker, I am like a vampire, need to think at night and leave everything ready for the next morning. So yes, it was funny, very funny and I showed H I do not want him to see me in my undies anymore.

Go ahead an laugh, just recalling it makes me smile.

Million kisses to you.
Pink

Hi Pink. Can't quite get the picture of you this morning just out of bed , could you post a picture just so we can be clear !!!!!!!! I hope that made you smile !!!

your H is completely lost and nothing you say or do will change that for now.

All Pink can do is to be the very best Pink you can be. At this stage I dont H can appreciate what he is losing. Any man who walks away from his sons and someone like you is not thinking straight We all see your kindness and compassion in your posts to others We also see how much you love your H in your own posts You H has not stopped loving you he just can't think straight at the moment and is looking for something to make him happy

He won't find it. He has to be happy with himself before he can be happy with anyone else I know I e said it before but you ha e to relax back and let this run its course. You have started to pull away and it's only been for a few weeks Would you stay on that path for a while to see how it works.

If the D is upsetting you could you slow it down anyway ?

Pink. , today is a down day , tomorrow might be an up day. In fact let's make sure it's an up day First plan an evening with the boys , do something together and something fun. Show them Glendalough on Google Earth and explain that's where all the local bikers go to scare themselves silly. Tomorrow will be a good day Pjnk because you will make it a good day. Every time you think of H , picture all the DB crew screaming STOP.

Pink , you have so many people that love you in your life and all you DB friends are always here for you. This is very difficult and you don't deserve this pain. It won't last forever I promise Happy days are ahead and plenty of them

Go and give those boys a great hug , tell them you love them and enjoy the hugs and lo e you get back

Take care special Pink. Rd. xx

Oh Pink, I'm so sorry. Although I do love the glow in the dark blouse story. H may well have thought aliens had landed! I wish I worked in the office next to you and we could go for lunch & have a big old vent about our H's. Now then - in the email above, you are ATTACHED my friend. What is he doing? Why? Why would he do this? I'm so mad!!

Have you read MLC for Dummies by Smurf yet? Here's a link...

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=588545&page=all

When you posted about your H not progressing the D, I thought of the last section of this thread - here it is..

"How to keep you spouse guessing...be mean one minute threatening divorce, etc then next day be kind and sweet almost the way your spouse remembers you..rinse repeat....

HOW TO CONTINUE THE CRAZINESS ONCE SEPARATION/DIVORCE IS AGREED UPON

1. Even though by now you, dear MLCer, have done everything human possibly to convince your spouse that you do not love him/her and want out, when the time comes to actually file, DON"T DO IT! This is the coup de gras of MLC. Absolutely DO NOT TAKE THE INITIATIVE. This is a most vital and awesome crazy-maker. Holding out will force your by now totally devastated spouse to finally throw up his/her hands and seek legal counsel.

2. Once the LBS has had enough and decides that divorce is in their best interest, you have won HUGE points here. Refusing to be the one to file now puts YOU in the role of victim, bringing you all the attention and pity necessary to allow you to again regain your image of the abused one in all this. Now you can, with absolutely NO guilt, tell everyone the divorce was your LBS's idea (which of COURSE it was!) and they will assume that: a. the LBS lost all that weight and obviously has been involved in an affair, and b. the marriage ended because your LBS spouse is going through a - YES! THE PINNACLE OF CRAZINESS! - Midlife Crisis!!"

It is really common for MLCers to say they want D and act like they want D - but not actually do what's needed to get D. What happens if he actually doesn't do anything from his end Pink? Do you have some legal leverage? It's just a thought (and maybe wait for better advice than from me) but is it worth considering a 3/6 month 'stay' on proceedings? I know Starsky mentioned he and his W did that a couple of times. Their circumstances were different in that they were 'trying out dating again' - but if your H isn't doing the stuff needed, might it be an option?

You may feel that you need to press ahead for your own and family's protection though, which I completely understand. Keep posting and take care lovely P xx

Hi RD, thanks just reading your words of encouragement makes me feel better.

So H answered:
"Let's discuss"

Then I answer him back:
: Hi H. I do not want to make a big deal on this. Just let me know what you want and is good for you and I will decide if it's OK with me or not. I do not want to take your time for this.

I am letting it clear I do not want to see him, to be with him and share any time with him. Just text me your answer and we will move forward on that.

I get that he is all a big mess, so what is the point to discuss anything, even if it is just business we do not need to see each other anymore. My business with him is just the kids now.

And by the way, people make richer and more important decisions about business on the phone or internet these days, so we can do the same, shouldn't be a big deal.

I will try to hold my horses, but I am very angry today. For a long time I would just be sad and cry but today I am angry with him. Today I want to tell him that he can go to hell and never come back because I do not need his change to live.

I am who I am and I love the person I am. I do not have two faces, I do not lie and teach on anyone, I am rude to a point that I will tell my mind straight to anybody that cross my way to hurt me, so why am I taking all this disrespect from this person?

I want to stop being a fool and start being just myself the way I should always have been. I thinks I am a clown. He forgot I was born Italian and was raised Italian and have the hot blood as a good Sicilian.

I hope he don't cross my way today.

Thanks RD, I promise I will think twice before losing it.
Pink

Pink - step away from the phone girl!!

Best to do nothing when you are feeling so angry. You've replied, now leave him be....

Did you see my message above?? xx

Ok I am going to chime in because I have been there and I got schooled by 25years. Pink go read my post where 25years gave me the what for. It has worked.

Get out of his head, stop trying to second guess what he means, thinks, saying and doing. 25years said picture a big STOP sign when you start to do this or think anything about him and then stop.

Don't let him run your life day to day you need to stop. Who cares what he is doing about the D that is his problem just concentrate on what your attorney needs from you and if there is nothing then don't think about it, again STOP.

Only think about your children and you and when he comes over be cordial and then busy and don't but any thought into what he says, does or means.

Stop trying to fix him or care. If you have to text him about the house or you need him to fix something ask but do not apologize. If he fixes something thank him thank him thank him and then let it go.

It truly works 25years is so smart and I still will start to think oh what did that mean and then I see big red stop sign and say to myself who knows and who cares I must get on with it and then I find something to take my mind off of it.

Stop trying to find fault with what he did because it won't help, just let it go, he knows what he has done or will or maybe won't but who cares. Just fix what you need to for yourself.

You can do it!!

Got a text from H saying:
" I will need time, a day, to figure it out what is logical and fair. Maybe we can get estimates on the stuff that need to be done in a house or we get an appraisal."

Why is him doing all this bull, this is the house for his kids to live in, it is not just for myself. Besides he can legally give part of the house to his sons and I would not own it 100%.

But he is just thinking about himself. Just of how much money will be available for him so he can run to his OW's arms and tell how great life will be with this miserable man.

I did talk to him before about this. I got all this prices with a real state person that does this stuff all the time, and now he wants time, time for what? Or you agree or not. If he thinks it is too much then say it, do a counter proposal price to me and will let him know if I agree with it or not.

We go back and forth a few times and it is done. But no, he needs to think. Is he going to find people to do a new estimates? How many months he wants for this?

Sorry, it's really hurting my head today. We are his family and he does not give care a bit for it. I will call my L, but I already know that he will say: forget it and put an appraiser and it's done right.

Thanks Toots, all that sounds so familiar, I did not read MLC for Dummies, will try to read it because it makes so much sense once you are in a nonsense situation. Thanks for the hint.

See you all later,
Pink

Hi Pink. You are more than right to be angry Once youve vented your anger that's the time think and think straight.

Your H sounds like hie is trying to delay things. Maybe that's not a bad thing.

Can you go and attack a punch bag or do a "Toots" and smash a few pillows

please don't respond to H for a few days Let the dust settle and see how you feel.

Take care. Rd. xxxx

Skhdive, you know what?

YOU ALL ARE SO RIGHT!!!

I am just mad, mad and mad and instead of getting busy with myself, my work, my life, my kids, I am in one enormous agony because H this or that.

It's not worthy it. I need to let go. I know myself and I know I need to decide things. I don't really know how to separate the move forward or move on.

I am too black and white, it has helped me so much difficulties in my life, but this one is so hard to resolve this way.

You know I follow your thread since the beginning and yes I have seen all your mistakes and I am seeing you dealing with your sitch so well lately. You have been learning and getting stronger every day. You are doing an amazing job.

By the way, maybe it is a supreme work or not, but I went home at lunchtime and forgot my phone there. I can ask the kids to check on my messages but I won't ask them to text anything for me. So I am far away from my phone, like Toots asked me.

Thanks guys, it has been a heavy and hard day. I know it has been my choice to put myself in this situation today, because I know I can control only myself. I just get so mad time to time and today I am really, really mad.

But will go nowhere, mad or not I won't resolve anything. I can just resolve me no one else. And I should actually prepare myself, each time I pull away from H then he find a way to keep some subject on hold.

Yes, I need to go home and rest. Will finish work and will try to rest my head and not think about all this anymore.

Thanks my friends, you are all a treasure to me.

Pink

Hi RD,

I have a punch bag in the garage. My boys play football, so everyone punch the huge bag.

I am not practicing Karate right now, but always did, I have a Blue belt in Karate. I always use the bag to train punches and kicks. It may be a good idea. Hope H does not show up in a house when I am doing that or he will be the bag.

I will calm down. This is all very upsetting and I still have the infection in my eyes and it's hurting because I am all day in front of the computer screen.

Need to think about something nice like riding a bike with RD maybe, or preparing dinner with the help of all our kids in the kitchen. Wow, that would be crazy.

Thanks RD, you are a real gentleman,
Pink

Hi Pink. Great about the phone , that should help. Karate as well !!!! You
Are the complete package ! ! !! Pink the bike ride will happen , for sure and it will be a blast

You have fantastic support on here and that should show you that you are regarded very highly on here and I think I would be right In thinking that's a general thing in your life

Throw yourself into work and try to relax back from the sitch for a few hours

Take care Rd

Jornaling,

I am feeling a little less angry today, but still with a lot of frustration. I guess my mom has some input in the way I am behaving and feeling too. She has been saying that H is not all that so sad and that he is making his choices alone, probably no one has a gun to his head and blah, blah, blah.

I know she is saying what she thinks is right for me to hear and get her 100% support that it is OK to be D and move on.

Like everyone says here, it is want is happening, my mom loves me and does not want to see me loosing my precious time with this nonsense.

On H's front, no word from him in the house price negotiation, he asked a day and his cut time has expired. The frustration is that this kind of thing is not necessary, H can lower the prices if he wants or he can get a contractor to give him some idea in prices?

All what I am asking is to treat me as a normal buyer. I don't know what to do exactly what to do because he knows I need this info asap. I guess I will text him towards the end of the day and ask if he has an answer.

If he doesn't then I will let him know I will put the appraiser.

Later,
Pink

Hi Pink Glad you feeling a bit better today and your right about your Mum , she's telling you what she thinks is best for you from her point of view however it's what Pinks feels is best for her and as much as your mum loves you she can't decide how long Pink should stand.

Re your H and house prices , I wouldnt contact him but give it another day and then get it done yourself

Can I just say that your H is acting like a fool and none of us know why , he could be in a MLC , he could be madly in love with someone else or he could just be mad. In my humble opinion he is in an MLC type of thing because no matter what he feels for wonderful Pink he wouldn't treat his boys like he is if he was thinking straight

I hope tomorrow is a better day again Pink and if you can just learn to expect nothing of H for the moment you won't get disappointed or sad.

Keep on being Pink and sharing your wonderful self with others. You give so much , I don't think you appreciate how much we all care about you and your crew !!!

Take care lovely Pink Rd. xx

Hi Pink, sorry to hear that about your Mum. It's hard when that happens. My Dad has always seemed pretty supportive of H, but I think he would just like to see me move on now. You can understand it, and they get tired of seeing you hurting. But it's your M and you can only do what's right for you.

In a way, I don't even see standing as being about H any more. I'm not actually sure I want him back - certainly not new horrid him. It's more about doing it for me. Not bailing out of my M too soon when things got really rough. I think we will find peace through doing this and in a way it is an act of self love too.

I agree with RD about your H and the kids. I too believe he isn't thinking straight and that your sitch has a few twists and turns to take yet. But worry not, I'll be coming over soon to drive around town and sing a few songs in the car with you...

Take care lovely P!!

Thanks RD and Toots,

H sent me a text after sitting on the subject for two days:

"I think the best thing to do is for you (or your lawyers) to send me by email a comprehensive summary of the proposed, true house value, min sell price, and each itemized repair to make the house suitable for sale. It would be helpful to have some real estate, no cost, comparable summary to support your proposed min. Sell price & quotes or estimates for the necessary repairs and landscaping. Thanks".

I did not send him any text yesterday. Today I got this message and did not answer. Instead, I called my lawyer and told him to set up an appointment with the appraiser that was set up by the court upon my request. This way we will have the right price, fair for both of us and no more back and forth with cheap talk.

I think I did right. The kids told me that he went to pick them up from school yesterday and he was very upset, kind of mad.

All what I know is that I need to get this done asap and have my own life back. I am so tired of living by all this court rules.

Hope is getting very slim. Once you are into this D process it feel that things are done for good. We will see what happens, but I feel like there is no more return from here.

Love you guys,
Pink

Hi Pink, sounds like you did the right thing - leave it to the experts in matters like this I would say. So, your H may be mad, but I just think it's tough dealing with the reality of it all. My H acknowledged to me this week that he is finding it hard to face the legal stuff...

Try not to worry about H's reaction & just focus on being reasonable and moving forward yourself.

RD said to me recently that, whilst we may feel this is a point of no return, sometimes it is the very facing of brutal reality that can prompt a wake up. So who knows hey??...Have a good day Sweetheart xxx

Hi Pink. Just to echo Toots. Let the experts deal with it and H has no reason to argue.

It's a tough time but it will get better. Stay strong for those boys of yours.

H will soon start to see reality and then we will see what happens

Take care. Rd

Hi Pink. I hope you having a good day. Im just back from MAD MAX with the boys and checking to see who's posting.

I don't see anything from you so just checking in with you. Thinking about you and your sitch today and for me , you need to give your R sometime. I do t like how your H is treating you but I'm of the opinion that he's not thinking straight so while you need to detach and move on I would advise leaving the door open for H to come to his senses

With the house being valued and the D moving forward I hope that H starts to see reality for what it is. OW is a huge problem but Pink is a big enough person to find a way past and allow her heart to heal and move forward.

I admire you and Toots so much that I would love to advise you to tell H to go to hell but while that might give you short term satisfaction. It's the bigger picture you have to look at. You still love H , he's the father of your children and I can't believe he doesn't feel love for you somewhere in his fog

I hope I havnt over stepped the line but I wanted to say the above as you have been a great friend to me and lifted my spirits on more than o e occasion. Your M is worth every effort to save and I want you to to be able to look back in time and either say , I did every thing to save my M or I saved my M because I gave it my all

Ha e a good evening and take care. Rd

Hey pink just keep doing what needs to be done, with time it gets easier it really does.

So come on let's get that pink party started!

Hi Pink,

I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you.

Take care.

xoxo

Bob

Beautiful Toots - I agree w/you and what H sees is someone that has peace inside and is just moving on. It's here that I spill all my frustration.

Lovely RD - I know that even this is an internet stuff and that you have no clue of who I might be or look like, you learned to care for us, for me. We have been in this journey around the same time and we have the same pain. You are very kind to me and I know I am very kind to you. Besides, life is full of surprises. And my mom just told me today that I should write a book about my life.

Uplifting GG - I always and probably forever I will think about you every time I put on my high heels. You are the best on girl front and I love you for that. You go Girl!

Caring Bob - I am so sorry I did not catch up on your thread yet. But I will. You always have that big hug to hold us tight and encourage us to keep moving. Thanks.

My friends, here are some text exchange w/H. If you can let me know what you think about this.

H (1:07pm) - Hi Pink - Please let me know if you made plans with our sons for the weekend and whether I can see them Saturday or Sunday. Thanks!

Me (2:11pm) - No big plans, just day stuff as we go, since the weather isn't helping. You can agree with them on the day or both days. If you have time for both days, please let me know so I can leave Saturday morning and come back Sunday night. Thanks JP.

H (2;13pm) - I am driving right now. I'll get back to you later.

H (5:52pm) - Pink - I will plan on seeing them on Saturday afternoon by 3pm and on Monday. I can cook brunch for them and spend the day together.

Me (6:47pm) - Just a question. Will you be around the city on Sunday?

H (6:52pm) - Yes.

Me ( 7:10pm) - So, If I am not around, could you be on call, just in case, or you rather not?

H (7:33pm) - Of Course.

Me (8:51pm) - Great. You're awesome. Thanks so much.

Today, H showed up by 3pm. I was finishing my shower and dressing up and he came upstairs. I had all my three doors locked. So, for sure he wouldn't get in. He went to S17 room to hang out there.

Once I came out, I said Hi and came downstairs, he came too right away. We started chatting and H spoke for about 1 and half hour about all what is going on in his work. I stopped everything I was doing and just listened to him, the whole time.

I just praised him, said how much he is working and how hard. Was not my usual sarcastic, did not criticized, did not give any opinion about anything. Just looked into his eyes and gave him all the attention in the world. He seems delighted. H is always crazy about work, it is his main thing in life.

When he was done, he asked me about my work, said some things but no details, just vague stuff, did not talk about R, M, OW, D, nothing.

H then sat at the living room because I was getting ready to leave, then he was there looking at me moving around like he never saw me before. I got the coat he gave me. Then he mention that he likes that coat and that makes me look even more beautiful. that it goes well with me.

I told him that the person who gave the coat knew me very well and that I love the coat, I think it is perfect for me and I just love it.

Said good bye, smiled and left.

H and the boys are going to eat out and then go to the movies to see the Avengers.

It is hard, but I did it, once again I stood tall and did it. I have this enormous peace inside of me today. I know he loves me, I can see that in his eyes, but then that is what I know, not what he knows, he wants me out of his life right now.

We will see. Later I will write about some other crazy I did today, not related to H, it is related to my past.

Love you all,
Pink

Hi Pink, sounds like a good interaction with H. I like the dynamic of being there & truly present for a little while & then leaving on your own terms. Good idea keeping the door locked too! I listened to a TED talk on infidelity yesterday, which was helpful.

She said infidelity is normally not about being in search of a new partner. It is normally a search for 'self.' I think this is part of the reason most A's don't survive, because the mission isn't about finding a new R.

I think you should carry on in this vein, as long as you can do it and keep up your boundary and your good PMA. That is, no ML, tearful desperation and so on. I think you're doing great xx

Pink

Whether H loves Pink, is H business. Whether H loves the TauC is his business. How he weighs these things in his silly mixed up head his his business.

Tomorrow, it may be different, the day after that even more so.

Trying to follow WH and his emotions are going to drive you crazy loco.

What is important is how Pink feels, if she loves WH despite all that's OK, if she wants to stand for her M that's OK too. The one thing I do know is that Pink loves her sons x3 and she loves herself.

Letting go and detaching is about being you and stopping your emotional journey being dependent of WH and his doings, thinking and emotions. You still stand independent, still loving and still wanting an M but you let go of the outcome. You do that which works for Pink.

V

Thanks Toots and Vanilla,

I always felt I am somewhat smart and learn stuff pretty easy, but detaching has been a very difficult thing for me.

Despite the fact that H is being a total idiot, repugnant and selfish, I am still thinking about him first, and then about everything else.

I say that I know I need to let go and that I need to have my plans and move forward with life, but I get myself stock on my emotional nightmare.

On Monday, it was Memorial Day Holiday and H came all smiles to the house to prepare branch for his family. It was my older son's birthday (21), the kids made some plans and did not want the breakfast.

They told H about it and did not invite him. Once the kids went to the backyard, H said he was sorry that he took so much of my time on Saturday. I said it was OK, then he start saying that he shouldn't be doing this, but he does it to show how much he cares.

I made this big mistake of saying to him that I also was sorry things between us are like this. That I know what I want and I want my family back, my M back. Then I asked what he wants, since he has all this mixed up messages.

He said that he does not know what he wants but he does not see himself married to me anymore. That many things happen and he is hurt and does not want to go back into the M anymore. That I did many things and the way he react to it and the way I react to the things he did, and that he can't see us together ever again as a couple. That he wants to be my friend forever.

H came and hugged me and cried. I got away and said to him that it will be done soon, that I did not stop the D and soon he will have his life, his freedom. H said that he has his life and has his freedom, that he does not feel he is married anymore.

I went upstairs and dress up nice, then like nothing bad happen, I left with my kids to celebrate S21's birthday and we all kind of ignore H. It is very upsetting, but it is my reality now.

I was doing good, and then I did this, I let him hurt me again. I really, really need to get more and more distance from him.

I realized I have a lot of work to do on myself, and the first one is to get a life. I am trying to stand up for myself, but I am doing everything in a mind set that is ... let's see what happens, instead of just doing things because it is for myself.

You are right and V, your words are very wise. Whatever he does is not my business. H could see that I was pulling off and not there for him, then he comes on Saturday to take the temperature and I fell for it. I was there for him, gave him more attention then what he deserves. Then on Monday, he finds the way to put the knife on my liver again.

Well, I will go again, and each time I think I am learning a little more that I need to let go. I will try to get myself busy, very busy. After some soul searching, I got to the conclusion that the only way to let go is GAL for real.

The busier I am, the easier it gets, so I need to engage in some different stuff. Sometimes it is hard because life is very busy as it is in a routine way. But I need to figure it out how to get myself doing things out of my comfort zone and let go of this maniac H that just wants to hurt me.

I am in search of new things, lets see what I do next.

Thanks for the kind words, love you.
Pink

Hello lovely Pink

I'm so sorry that happened with H this weekend. As you say, you are learning, and you will get to the point where you don't fall into the mud poolvagain I'm sure.

I was reading another post in MLC just now, and I copied this good advice from it for you (I just changed the gender):

"The key for you is to keep to your path, but, remain open to the possibilities. He spooks when you move too close and panics when you move away. I know you feel like you are walking a tightrope."

I think sometimes you see the sitch too much in black and white - oh he may be open to reconciliation now - oh no, it's completely over for us. My guess is it is neither of the above, and you are just navigating through the muddy and treacherous waters of MLC. It is not yet evident which way things will ultimately go. You are still very much on the front line in your sitch.

There is a push pull dynamic going on as you can see. H comes on Saturday and wants to talk. You guys talk for a while and it is a good interaction. You get a little more hopeful and he gets a little spooked. Then your have your convo on the MOnday and BAm! He doesn't want you or the M. If you draw back again that will likely change as you know.

It's so hard, and I think you are doing so well my lovely friend. My face always lights up when I see you have posted. Do take care of yourself and leave H to wallow in his mud pool a while longer.

((((PINK))))

Thanks Toots,

I have been thinking today that I really need to keep a good distance from H. He is like drinking a very low dosage of poison every time he comes around. It kills me slowly and painfully.

I also notice that this kind of interactions with H make my kids unsure, insecure and kind of hateful too. The fact that they do not want to be with him, is not just that they forgot him. It's because they are hurting and each time H plays happy family it just make things worse.

I don't even know why it hurts so much. Many times in the past, I felt like I had no problem letting go because H was very selfish (in my opinion at least) and I tough I did not need that in my life. Now, I really miss him.

Unfortunately, I have notice that the fact he chose someone else, is so heavy for me. Sometimes I feel like I am obsessing about this. I read a piece of paper where H wrote:

"Is it possible I found the woman of my dreams?"
"Is it true that I am the man of her dreams?"
"Is it possible that she loves me?"

It is like cutting my heart out. I feel jealous, humiliated, frustrated. Dealing with rejection has been a big deal for me and I get physically sick. And if you ask me, I know I need to let go and think about myself, and build a life for myself and all what I have been learning.

But if I am honest, I feel like I want to scream in his face that it was unfair after all what I went through. I worked hard and kept the family together while he was for 4 and half years doing his masters, building his new career.

And after holding on to the hard times, he just drops the M, his family like it is garbage. I want to walk the road I know best, and that is to hate him and never exchange a word with him, but that is the coward way. That is being my old me and I want to change that behavior.

And I really would like to understand better what is going on with him and there is no logical explanation. It's like you said, if I put some distance and treat him just like a neighbor, then he comes around being the most lovely man and giving me so much attention. Then, as soon as I get more comfortable and closer to him, then he throw in my face that he can't see himself married to me anymore, that we are doing the right thing getting divorced.

Now, what I need is to have some shame in my face. It is almost a year that he told me that he loves me but is not in love with me anymore, and this stupid game is still happening because I am stupid enough to allow it to happen.

I guess I have a lack of self esteem and no love for myself what so ever. Last Monday was hard, it hurt me a lot. Maybe I can learn the lesson by hurting like this.

I decide to stand up again Toots, it's a new day, I know I can change many things with time and patience. I don't see much hope right now, but I know I am reacting to what he told me on Monday. I am looking at my calendar and trying to figure what I can do for GAL during this summer/school vacation. I need to get very busy.

Love your words, thanks so much for helping me out.
I was not feeling too good today.

I am also missing RD a lot, he is someone very special for me.

Pink

Hi Pink. Forget what H said. He has not made any sense since any of this started and I would t believe anything from him.

Regardless of what he does its time for Pink to move on. You love this man and that's Pinks choice That's your heart speaking. For peace in your mi d you must let him go. ( FOR NOW). I. The future who knows what might happen with H but Pink needs to start a new chapter in her life.

I wish I could be there to hold you for a few minutes and reassure you that you will be happy again. You are loved by many people in this world and I think H loves you but cannot see it right now. Pink has a whole world waiting for her and fantastic times are ahead. You will look back one day and this will seem like a road you had to have travelled to reach where you will be.

This time is hard and the only way through it , is through it. The pain you feel is horrible but it will pass. You have 3 great kids and job you enjoy , passion in your soul and so much more. Count your blessings Cira , you are a very lucky person.

I want you to be happy and you have no idea how much I want to be there for you
We could sit in a nice restaurant and moan about our WAS to each other and I know the conversation would soon finish about them and we would talk about ourselves and the crazy things we have done in the past and the crazy things will we do in the future

Please think more positively , when your down remember the great times you've had , blue hair , leather jacket and blasting down the highway in the middle of the night !!!!!!

Tons of love and caring Pink ,your very special and I will get to meet you one day , you can take that as a promise or a threat !!!!!!!!

Huge hug ( count to 2 mins) and take care , Rd

RD, my sweet RD,

I want that 2 min hug, and I think I got it. I felt smiling again, and it is because you always remind me that my life is good (maybe even better without H).

Maybe I am just being stubborn wanting the M so much when the truth is that my M was very bad for myself too. I was not happy in the M I had.

And I don't know if it would be better the other way around. H did not change much, the patterns are there, the selfishness is still there, and now there is all this pain, betrayals, kids feelings. It is a complete mess right now.

But you remind me of time where there was the stronger version of me, the one that had no fear and did not worry about love much. It was cool to remember. It was my "Bloody Hell" time and I won't ever forget it.

I was looking at the airlines ticket price to Dublin and guess what? It is about $1500 round trip, and that is no hotel, no meals, no car rental. I guess I need to wait a bit to go visit you. If I spend all that money now, my D will become a little complicated. So, it need to wait.

I have one complication that is gonna hit my life pretty crazy hard. I had someone in my life before my actual H, we did not get married but we lived together for a few years, in Singapure and Brasil. He is the father of my older boy (S21). On may 23rd, his birthday, I called him so he can finally meet his son.

I hope he did not die after my call, because he was really in shock. He is polish and live now in Poland. Now, I need to write an email to him with all my info and he will come to America.

And here we go, my life is a huge Tornado right now. There are debris flying all over the place. But I feel it is time to clean every aspect of my life and this is an important one.

Rd, you make me feel very positive, I read your words and I feel that you are right, there is life after the disaster.

By the way, do you believe in God?

Need to go, my car needs oil change, so driving to get S17 and to the dealer. Will write more later. Please, do not disappear on me again.

Huge hug (my 2 min back to you) and take care. I will tell the boys about the promise or threat. They will probably talk about it and start guessing what is the terror group you belong to.

Take care, need a go!
Pink

Hi Pink wow that's something I wasn't expecting !!!!!!! You do like to complicate things don't you ? As I have said , I'm here for you and as I sit here stunned I have to ask why tell him right now ?? Anyway , more important things 1500 dollars is all you need Hotel , meals and entertainment are all on me Car hire is not needed as we have a selection of vehicles for you to choose but I feel the BMW 650 gs motorbike or the merc cls would suit you the best.

I can't even concentrate on your fantasy visit with that news !!!!!!!!!

Take care Rd. ( the least complicated thing in your life !!!!!!! )

Hi RD,

I understand your disappointment with me. I know my life is pretty crazy. I don't know exactly why I have decided this path, I feel like it did happen this way.

I have been working a lot lately and I am just leaving the office to get some lunch for the kids. But I want to write at least a resume of that part of my life.

Why now? Because I am changing, because I am learning to let go, to stop controlling other people lives. Because I think it is the right thing to do for my son and for his father, and I am the person to make it happen.

Because I want to let go on it all. I need to finish the work of raising my kids until they walk on their own. I need to let go on S21 & father and help them to have a R, I need to let go my H and let him be happy on his own life. About me, I don't really know right now. I just want some peace and quiet and I want to be free of all this life nightmares. I feel I can get that if I keep myself on my own for awhile.

Later, and yes, it has been too many mistakes, too many soul wounds, too much complication. It is time to let go on it all and stop trying.

Pink

Pink. Please don't think for one second I am disappointed in you. Firstly I would have no right to be and secondly I don't judge anyone especially friends. All I was saying was why bring more complications in to your life while your dealing with the H issue

Have a good lunch and a great afternoon.

Take care. Rd

Hello Pink - well, wow! I had always presumed all three boys were yours and H's. I agree with RD in a way - are you adding another complication to an already stressful situation. But I can also see that, like many of us, your life has been shattered - let's have a look at the wreckage and see what we can sort out here.

I think that leads us to look at things that are unresolved within ourselves and in our lives. And please don't feel in any way judged. We are so fond of you and only want the best for you. So, may I ask? Has your eldest ever met his Dad? Did his dad keep in touch over the years at all? I'd love to hear more about what happened if you want to post, but please don't feel in any way obliged.

I hope you had a nice lunch, and that your afternoon goes well lovely Pink. Take care (((((pink)))))

I think it is because I am giving up on the H issue. It was not easy to hear H saying that he does not see himself married to me anymore. So be it. Wants to be away from me, so be it. Wants to D, so be it. I can't force him to do anything and I won't.

I just want him to go now. Leave me alone so I can deal with my life and my future. You guys are all right, for my own sanity, I need to take him out of my head, my heart and my life.

I know it is not very easy, but I will partner with time and get the job done. He humiliated too much already.

Today, as life is very, very unpredictable, I was in my way to buy a sandwich that S15 asked me for lunch. There was a huge accident and traffic to the restaurant was blocked.

I decided to get another one. I just don't go there much on lunch time because it is always super busy. I purchased the sub and as I turn there was H. He smiled, said hi, kissed me on a cheek. He was going to start a conversation and I said I was going to wait for the sub I got for S15.

I moved away and then he came closer, started saying that he will be traveling next week and he wants me to know that in case I need something.

WHAT???? He does not help me a bit while he is here. Helllllooooo! Wake up H, you do not matter much and I do not need you. Why you saying this foolishness?

But, I said nothing. I just nod my head, looked at him and said, OK, thanks.

I did not talk, just listened. When my sub was ready, I picked it up and said Tchau, see you later and left.

And thanks RD. Thanks for not judging me. When I write how things happen, you will understand a little more that this is not a Hollywood movie, it was just a set of events.

Hope you and the kids are well.
Pink.

H Pink Great job with H. You have to treat him as a friendly neighbour. Your hurting right now because of his words but they were just that words I don't believe that your H has no idea what he wants so what he says means nothing

You are getting on with life and that's great however you need to relax and take things at a slow pace. You have your whole life ahead of you You don't need to rush things

As Toots said if you wish to tell us the tale of S21 just please give us some warning if the tale includes you arriving from outer space !!!!!!!!! I cant take to many more shocks.

Take care. Rd

I will tell, and there is no outer space journey (yet), but there is a lot of ground on it. I wrote here before that I had travelled a lot.

When you say that I have passion, you did not know the extension of that. I really give myself and life to what happens to me. I like life and like feeling it 100%, it does not matter if it is pain or happiness, what it matter is that I will have time to rest when I am dead. Right now, I can live.

As always, my story is a mix of a lot of happiness and a lot of pain.

I wish I can just slow down a bit RD, but I am not in a big rush either. Maybe is because the way I manage things. I am very dramatic. My kids tease me because they say that I speak like movie lines. Like the accent and intonation on my voice make them feel I am in a movie drama or something.

You will always hear them say "Movie line!!!".

I don't know how to speak differently because I speak like that even in Portuguese and Spanish. So I feel that it is the way I am in general. Speaking, reacting, loving, and so on.

Later
Pink

So

What about the Fins?

Is Pink protecting Pink and S x2 +1

V

Hi V,

I have some savings on a Swiss bank. It's not much but it is previous to my M. And I need to work and S21 works too.

I don't think we will be too bad, but I need to step up my game. I have been approved to go full time as soon as the D is final. I also need to finish my certification in Orthotics so I can see my own patients and make more money.

If this doesn't work for any reason. Then I will look for something else. Work is not my fear at all. I like working

Sometimes it takes a storm to teach us to build a shelter.

I think we will be OK and if not, I can always go back to Brasil. That is always a secure plan B.

Love
Pink

So here it goes,

My story with S21's father started on 1992. I use to dance Polish Folklore (danced it for 7 1/2 years). One night, there was a dinner at the Polish Club, I went with a female friend. I knew everyone there.

Dinner was nice and there was some polish people visiting. That's when I met A.

He was nice, polite and friendly. I was fresh, spontaneous, young and free. There would be a party on Saturday night at the club and he was invited, he asked if I would be there and I said I would. He asked me if he could dance with me in front of everyone, we laughed and so everyone else, it was kind of joke.

On Saturday, we met and there was a first kiss. I felt very good. The next many days that he was in Brasil, we went to many places together, he rode on my bike and was really afraid many times.

The romance was born and then he left. He start calling me every day. We said good stuff to each other and he said he was going to Singapure and would stay there for about a year or longer. He asked me if I would go with him and I said yes.

I gave up on a good job, told my family I was living and almost killed my mom with a heart attack. But, as I said before. I always did what I want, so no one even question my decision.

A british man came to pick me up and travel with me to Colombia, and then to Panama. I was in jail for almost a whole day in Colombia, because my family name is Sicilian and there was some questioning of why I had a Brazilian passport, traveling with a british man to Panama.

A was very nervous, called the Colombia government and somehow I was free at the end of the day, went to Panama and met A. We crossed the Panama canal and travel on the Pacific Ocean to Indonesia for 42 days.

During this trip we develop a very nice R. I fished a shark (not too big), jumped on open ocean, saw crazy lights at the bottom of the ocean, played bridge many, many times, learned a lot of polish words, saw the most beautiful stars in my life during a very dark night, got two huge storms and prepared to survive without anything, just a life saver and the ocean, did some training on how to hide in case of pirates.

We stopped by Indonesia for a few days, visited some places, saw a lot of poverty and I hate the food.

Then we travel to Singapure, where we lived for 1 1/2 years. During that time I decided to stop birth control and did not get pregnant.

Then we went back to Brasil, we had a nice life there but then he decided he need to go back to Poland, to close his business, take care after his house, property, whatever.

I was not feeling too good but I tough was because he was leaving and I was kind of nervous. After he left I went to the doctor and I found out I was expecting a baby.

When I told him he was very happy and started making plans, and choosing names for boys and girls. He called me very frequently. I was not working then. Time went by, my belly start getting bigger and bigger, and he start saying things were complicated.

Inside me there was some insecurities, I knew he was in his county, he had an ex wife and two adult children.

As the time went by, I experience sadness, loneliness, fear, insecurity, anger, resentment. It was a week, then a month, then many months. Due date came and I start labor on A's Bday, 5/23. He was calling every hour.

It was 5/25 late afternoon when I delivered my boy. I was not even talking much anymore. It was an emergency CSection, my baby was suffering. At delivery, I felt a strong pain in my chest, I asked my friend to take the baby and raise him because I did not know if I was going to make.

The last thing I heard was the doctor saying: #We are loosing her" and then I died. The doctors induced coma, in order to avoid brain damage. Two days later I woke up with most of my body purple and green.

That's when I finally saw my baby. When I got him in my arms, I promise to myself that no matter what I would raise him to be a good man. It was an incredible pain, I cried a lot because his father wasn't there during this fantastic moment.

Time went by, I spent all my savings. A was not sending money because the situation in Poland was very bad and his assets were all frozen at the time.

My brother is in the airforce and asked me to go to his house for a few months so I could nurse my baby for at least 6 months. I went from south of Brasil to the very north. That place was hot like hell.

After a few weeks there I got Malaria. Since I was small, thin and just had a baby, it was easy to go from bad to worse in about two days.

When I went to the Army hospital I was closing three crosses of Malaria, what means I was dead without much chance of survival. They gave Quinine straight to the vain every 5min for 48 hours.

It was a big battle. I had 106C degrees of fever. My brain was burning along with my life. I said goodbye to my brother and my sister in law, and again I did not die. On the third day of torture, I started showing some improvement.

I was kind of sick for awhile, I lost all every weight I had, I was a horrible skeleton.

With that came a lot of thinking. A desire to live and stop crying every day. I tough that if God gave another chance that it was not to throw away for someone that was not there.

I went back to the south and got a nice job. I started working a bilingual secretary and made very good money. I bough another car and another bike. I use to put a big bag in my back, and put S21 in between my body and the bag, he always had a helmet and we would cruise all the time.

I became happier and started detaching. I did not want to answer the phone all the time, I did not write all the time, something died inside of me. Then A went to Brasil to visit us. I was not the same anymore.

One time we were talking and I asked if he had any R while he was alone in Poland, he said that he was a few times with his ex wife. I got upset and he said that I should be happy because at least this was a woman he knew and he would not go back with her.

This was it. Everything died there. Was a cold water shower. He left after two weeks. I did not call him or write anymore, and I would answer just sometimes.

Then came a working trip to Ixtapa, Mexico for a huge South America sales meeting. I went and that's when I met my H J. I felt a big attraction for him and he felt the same for me.

I went to US right after Mexico and J was not suppose to be there. We were working for the same company, just in different countries (sound familiar?). He came back earlier to US and then we started our R.

When I came back to Brasil, soon was my BDay 6/17 and A called me. After he wish me a happy BDay and say how much he loves me and misses me and wish he was there, I told him to forget me, that it would be the last time I would talk to him, and that he should pretend that I was dead along with my son.

After 20years I called him on his BDay 5/23 and said to him that it is time to meet his son. He was in shock, asked me many times why I never answered his letters, never communicated. I told him that it was complicated. Told that I got married and have two other boys, said their age and he said that he understands, that I was young and he was just giving me empty promises.

I told him that I did not want to talk about this on the phone, that I will email him my info and then he can came to US. When he came, we can sit down and talk about everything.

This is it. That was one chapter of my life. Lots of happiness and lots of pain. I feel good that I never lied to anyone, my S21 always knew the truth, my actual H knew the whole truth since the beginning, my two other sons know about it too. I did not betray anyone, did not cheat on anyone.

Now, after 20 years I feel that I have been controlling and also steeling my son's rights to know his father and his father's right to meet his son. I understand now that I have no right to control other people lives and decided to make things right.

I told him on the phone that I do not want anything from him and neither his son. And that I am not playing games to arrange some R of any kind. I think we can be friends, he is 18 years older then me and I really enjoy talking to him. But I do not love him anymore, it was done long time ago.

I don't think it is complicated. I think it will be nice and enjoyable.

S15 asked me that if S21 was his father's son for so long if now he can be a son for S21's father. I told him that it is not the case and don't be crazy about it.

I know that RD is in shock and probably sees me a little skeptical now. I did not know that life would be like this. I let life happen and maybe I made a huge mess of it. I am not very proud of such mess, but I can't feel guilty or ashamed either. It was what it was, just that.

Hope this explains a little more of who I am.

Love,
Pink

Hi Pink that's some story. As you say it your life and only you can chose how to live it I don't think there are any rights or wrongs as long as you don't hurt anyone When I said about complications I just meant with so much going on in your life maybe bringing a former love back into your life was bringing something else to the mix.

Again. It's your life and you choose to live it is completely up to you

I hope it all go's well between you , S21 and A and it a happy time for you all

Take care. Rd

Hi RD,

Thanks for taking the time to read. As always, you have been in this journey to comfort my pain.

I don't want to bring a former love into my life. It's really about S21 and the right he has to know where he comes from. I had a lot of my family's input, mainly my mom saying that this is necessary.

I am at the point of giving up on everything, I did what I want but I am not happy with love in this life. I don't feel someone loves me enough for what I am. I know my kids and my mom love me and appreciate who I am.

But related to a partner, it is an empty hole in my heart. The difference is that this time I feel like this and I am learning it needs to start inside of me. So, I need to change the direction of how I perceive the world, how I react to the external events.

I do not want anyone in my life and I am really afraid of trying again. I understand that fear is a big enemy of happiness, but it is time to also understand I do not need to bring myself into any R and make someone else unhappy.

My focus need to be in my kids now, do the best I can to make them good men and have a good life ahead of them, besides that I just want to keep quite.

I am very tired of searching for love in my life, and never really feeling someone would go the extra mile for me. I am getting to the conclusion that some people are better of on their own and not in a R.

I did a lot for other people, for love, friendship, or just for helping. Like I said, I am a doer, but somehow I always made everything about other people and not about myself.

It's a hard lesson to learn, that you won't be selfish but you will put yourself first. For some, it is just natural, for me, it's a complete change of path.

Right now, I want everything to go. I will finish my Divorce, will give H the freedom he wants and probably deserve so he will be free of me. I will give A the happiness of meeting his son. And I will take myself out of their lives.

Since I was a little girl I said that the world is very big and in it I would find my happiness. I think I was wrong, the world is very big and I just hurt myself.

I am having a very hard time dealing with rejection. It has been a constant in my life in every corner. Some of my family, some friends, man I loved. Most of the time is because the way I am. Very independent, take my decisions by myself, a fixer upper.

If this is what brought me so much pain, then it is time to change. It's time to concentrate in myself and find some peace within.

I feel very unhappy with the life I built for myself, I feel that everything I did is a big nothing. I am letting go on it all now. My kids will walk their path and soon will be in their own life. And all the rest needs to go.

No one needs to suffer with me around anymore. The next chapter of my life I want to be on my own.

Thanks again for being such a gentlemen during this journey. You are an amazing person and deserve the best in your life. By the way, I hope you start a new thread and tell us how things are going with your W and those beautiful kiddos.

Take care,
Pink

Hi Pink. You mustn't be so down on yourself Your story is full of love. Have you made mistakes ? Only you can judge , no one else.

You are very emtional right now and the best thing to do is to do nothing. Stop.
Think about what you really want in life and go for it. You need to forget what H has said and done recently You seem to be blaming yourself for everything and no way is it all down to you.

As for someone in your life again , I say this with all respect but your talking rubbish ! Any man would be proud to have you for a partner and if they don't agree they don't deserve you Right now maybe it's better for Pink to be on her own but who knows what's around the corner ? I would be over the moon to meet you and I mean that. You are a comfort to loads of people on this board and in the real world.

Whenever I'm down I take stock of what I do have in my life not what I dont. Pink has a huge amount of good things in her life and I really believe that your H will emerge from his fog one day and I hope for his sake Pink is still waiting

Take care special Pink. Rd

Hi RD,

Yes, I am very down on myself today. And was yesterday. I realized that my M is over and it has been very painful to just admit the truth.

I will certainly move into another step of this process but it won't cease the bad feelings. I gave a lot into this M and it is catastrophic to see everything evaporate like this.

I trusted someone that betrayed me. And it will be hard to trust again, much less the same person.

There is a small part of me that wants to believe that some human beings are good and they will treat you with respect and will love you for what you are. But there is a bigger part of me that no longer believe it is the way to go.

I do not want to be hurt again. Maybe I am too simple, too kind, too open, always been very happy, positive, but it just brought the wrong people into my life.

I agree with you that I need to find what I want in life and go for it, but I don't see myself open for any R anymore. I know it is like you say, who knows what is around the corner. But if you close your heart, then there will always be a sign of NO VACANCY on it.

H finally got to me. I have been giving excuses and believing that H is suffering, is in a fog, is confused. The last time he talk to me, he was not showing he was weak, tired, sad, confused, foggy or whatever. He said with all the words looking into my eyes that he does not know what he wants, but he just can't see himself married to me anymore.

He said that enjoying it. He said he has his life and his freedom. He said it with conviction and with enough venom to hurt me very deep inside.

He finally got to me. I could see a cold person that does not give a damm for what we had for 18years, for all what I did to built the family we have, for all what I helped him to achieve.

He used me to move forward and now he just throw me on the garbage. I think it is somewhat good that I feel this way for awhile. It will give me the strength to leg go. Right now, what I really want is do not deal with him at all. I do not want to see him, hear him, look at him. He makes me sick and I do not need him around anymore.

You see, the story repeats itself again, I need to get to a point that I realize that "X" is not there for me and is not doing anything to see some value in being with me. I am good for many things, I am just not good enough for someone to fight for me.

It's all good, life moves on, has many faces and R is just one of them. I will be feeling good again. I will just close the door for this kind of love and never be hurt again.

Don't worry! I am not hang myself in the garage. I do feel that life is precious, I believe in God, I just don't believe in a love from a man, at least not for me.

I have a huge amount of good and will use this to help myself now.

So, are you going to open a new thread? Everyone wants to know about you and write to you.

Take care,
Pink

Hi Sweetie, I'm sorry you're down. It sounds like that convo with H really got to you. But know this - he may say what he says with coldness & conviction like there's no hope. But as everyone says - I don't see any fat ladies singing. Fact is - you get to decide if and when to give up. M version 1 is clearly over - for pretty much all of us. Is Mv2 possible? Who knows. But I can tell you with almost certainty - your H remains unsure - even if he sometimes says otherwise.

But enough about him! Thanks for sharing your story. Wow, I can imagine a movie being made about your life - which is much more than I could say about mine! It sounds like a good plan for your eldest to meet his Dad & I hope it all goes well.

Pink, as RD says, there are so many good things in your life. I have to remind myself that H isn't the centre of my world any more - I am!! So - I'm looking forward to some pink centric attitude from here onwards. We'll be with you each step of the way Dearest.

Take care (((((pink)))))

Hi Pink. You have made me very sad. I know that you feel like no one will ever love you the way you want but please please believe they will. I'm no one special , I'm a very ordarary guy who has normal values and I would love to meet someone like you. I would have done anything for my W I loved to make her happy and it brought me joy to make her smile with a surprise or gift. I always thought she was the most beautiful person i had ever met and considered myself very lucky to have met her. There will be a queue of guys hoping to be in a position to feel that way and more about you

Life has a plan for us all and we people on here have been given a difficult road but it's far from impossible.

You are down today but I'm sure this is just the roller coaster and you've gone down a very steep dip. The upward track is waiting for you and let's look forward to that

Take care Rd

Lovely RD - how about an update from you my friend?? xx

Hello Pink,

I just had to stop by and pass along these:

XOXOXOXO

Maybe this verse will comfort you a bit:

�But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength� (2 Timothy 4:17).

You WILL make it thru this.

Bob

Thank you Toots, RD and Bob for all your kind words and comfort, it makes such huge difference every time you guys write such encouraging words. It always pump me up.

Yesterday was a difficult day, but things changed around and I heard very good comments about myself.

As usual, I am a designated drive when it comes to drive in Denver, such crazy traffic. But I am always OK with that, I do not have much fear since I always drove in big cities.

I drove two friends to Denver because our brasilian consulate was here as an itinerant visit, so we can update our documents. We have dual citizenship.

One of the ladies did not see me for quite awhile and he comments were over the top. She look at me and could not believe. She said I was another person, that I lost weight and was looking good, she loved my hair and the natural color it has now. She even said that my skin looks much better.

She said that there is a glow that comes from me and that I am just a very different, beautiful person. She teased me saying that if it is the result of my D, that I should keep myself in that road and look good.

It was amazing, speaking in Portuguese the whole time, laughing at some silly lady stuff, they were crazy about how many lipstick I carry in my purse.

When we came back, we were feeling so good, we went to a local brewery and had some beer together to celebrate that we were having a good time. So, my day end up being a good GAL, without even trying.

I am feeling better, it is always good to share time with other people from the same culture. We, brasilians, are very open, we tease each other without getting offended, it is just the way we are. We are a lot about body, skin, we touch each other (not in a bad way), we are just very close to each other, and it felt really good.

One of the ladies said that if I start a Zumba class, that she wants to go with me, and of course, I need to drive. She also said that she wants to dance some samba since I am doing it more frequently that she wants to join me. She has a little girl but said that if her hubby is not in town, that she can get a babysitter.

This weekend I will meet with a Zumba teacher at some GAL bridal shower, lets see if I can arrange a class that will fit my schedule.

S15 is having lots of American football practice and is leaving for a football camp on Wednesday. He is very excited, but his father that is all about football, does not care at all. S15 was saying how he always tough that his dad would share this time with him and now it is like his father died long time ago.

It is like having a knife on your throat, it hurts deeply, but I just tough, I am here, and I can make the best I can for him and be there for him. He is not the first and won't be the last keep that has been abandoned by one parent. It won't be the reason for him to be down on himself.

Toots, as much as I think that there is a chance things can change and the M can be repaired. I know deep in my heart that it would be a hard work to heal all the wounds. I am not sure anymore if I want to go down that road.

Bob, that verse is so fantastic. It's just what I need to remind myself every day. I am a believer and he gives so much strength I can't even explain.

RD, my sweet RD, what do you really mean in my life. It is the most strange feeling ever. I do not know you, and yet it is like you have been in my life for a long time. You say sweet words when I need them, and you give me tough love when I need it.

Many times, instead of thinking about my H, I catch myself thinking about RD. Maybe it is because I am vulnerable and you are not a threat, you are a far away person, without a name, without a face. You are just the words I read.

It's yet some crazy journey, never tough I would be here, never tough I would need to talk to someone online and want to be a better person to show that one that I am worthy.

You are helping me to detach from my H. You are helping to see that I have value, that I am a good person that deserve better. I feel stronger because you care. Life is really strange.

I even have my mom saying that she is very nervous about my crazy head. She was asking me to think a million times before doing some stupid, she said some people on internet get closer to others just to do some damage. She even told me about this lady she knew from church that had this internet connection and when she finally met the guy, he killed her.

Wow! She said that I almost killed her with several heart attacks attempts each time some crazy happen to me, and there was plenty. But, that now I need to think I have three boys and they need me. Can you believe this?

Life is indeed good, and there is always new horizons ahead of us, I need to be brave and face one day at a time. Things will change, character may change, the story may take another direction, who knows, I think the best is to keep an open mind for what is to come.

Thanks to you all that makes me a better person.

XOXO
Pink

"Toots, as much as I think that there is a chance things can change and the M can be repaired. I know deep in my heart that it would be a hard work to heal all the wounds. I am not sure anymore if I want to go down that road."

Hi Pink, I hear what you're saying - I feel the same way, and I would have to think long and hard about what I really wanted now. That's no bad thing. Better than wanting the M back at all costs (to yourself.)Well, what will be will be....

Glad you had some great GAL - Zumba and Samba sound great! I would love Pink to teach me to Samba.

I'm sad to read about how your S feels. But you're quite right to focus on the bits you CAN do, and not the bits that H is avoiding just now. Those are his to own.

Have a great weekend!! (((pink)))

Originally Posted By: Pink17

Bob, that verse is so fantastic. It's just what I need to remind myself every day. I am a believer and he gives so much strength I can't even explain.

Hello Dear Pink,

I feel so good that you liked the verse. I am going to use it to remind myself every day. Good idea! It's great that you had some good GAL activities. Good for you.

I am really sorry to hear how your S feels. It is sad, I know.

I second what Toots wrote re: your sitch: "I would have to think long and hard about what I really wanted now."

An old saying came to mind, and I just posted it in someone else's thread:

Never run away from or toward anything too quickly.

Sending many *Hugs* your way.

Bob

Hi Pink. I was so glad to read about your day with your friends from home. It sounded like great fun.

You posted how we all help each other and how I have helped you in some way.

I honestly believe if we had met in some other life when e were younger we would have been very good friends My mum also had many many sleepless nights and one night I was being chased by the police My mum was walking home from a church meeting about 9pm with a friend and walking over a bridge near our home. I passed her at the top of the bridge about 5 feet in the air doing about 90mph When I got home , after losing the police she was waitng at the door and was deathly pale I tried to deny it was me but in those days all my bikes were sprayed in Pepsi colours so quite recognisable. Our poor mums Pink

Also your mum is right about being careful about people on the web Who knows what type of person we are dealing with. I will take my chances though Pink and be a dublin airport whenever your ready !!!!!!!!

I'm so glad your in a better place and long may it last. Put any R issues to one side for now and become a happier and more content Pink. Life will bring you happiness You deserve it

Take care special Pink. Your online buddy. Rd

RD, very funny about the police chase. It reminded me once when I was coming back from work, there was a huge police blitz. I did not have a license to drive the bike, so I stopped by a car dealer and wait, and wait. It was getting late and I had a meeting that night.

I decided to drive against traffic and had one police car on a chase. It was super scary. I still have that feeling like I did not know exactly how it would end up. But, I manage to lose the police and did not kill myself.

Yes, I was de devil. Will never tell my kids of all the crazy, but sure I keep it in my heart as some trophies. Because I drove in highways to go to work, I asked my mechanic to change all my Honda original chains. He transformed it into some super duty machine. It have heavy gear so I could put the metal to the pedal.

Sometimes it was kind of late and I drove that heavy bike dressed for work. With short skirt and high heels. Well, that is to picture and smile for sure, because it was very funny.

Did you ever slept with your helmet on? I did, and it was a big neck pain the next day. I was just so tired I collapsed. Other time, I got a storm during the winter, it was cold like hell. I got home and stood under the shower with helmet and leather until I defrosted.

So many crazy stuff, I feel happy looking back. My mom doesn't know half of what I did.

Yes RD, you helped me more then you think. Now, I look forward to read your posts. There is always a caring word, encouragement, hope, a friend that cares. And I can tell you that I do not need to be young to become your friend, neither you as a matter of fact.

All what I have inside my soul now, makes me believe that it is not so bad to be old like I am. But if it bothers you, sorry I can't really change that.

The invitations goes to you too. If you decide to land in Denver, just shoot me a message and I can wait there for you. It takes me about 45 min to an hour depending what time of the day.

Maybe when my D is done and I can touch my finances again, then I can give you a surprise and show up there. I can't spend money right now because I put some sanctions on my H, but that gets me too.

Today I was smiling when I was cleaning the dishes and S15 said: Can I guess? You are thinking about something funny RD told you. What was the funny stuff this time?

RD, it is good to dream, and it is getting my mind off my idiot H and all the pain he is bringing to my family. H did not call the boys all week and nothing on Saturday, and he is not traveling. It's pathetic how he disregard the pain he is causing to his kids. I actually will need to work hard on forgiveness issues, because I just hate that he is doing this.

Today, a little later I will meet with a bunch of girls for a bridal shower of one of my friends future daughter in law. I am making some "Brigadeiro" it is made with condensed milk and chocolate, after preparing you make little balls and cover with sweet chocolate sprinkles. The girls love it.

After the bridal shower I will have dinner at some other friends that live in my neighborhood. So, busy, busy. Kids are planning to go somewhere and do some fun. Don't know where yet.

Life can be good. I think I need to give it a try.

Thanks for all your attention and caring.
Lots of hugs and kisses to you and your kiddos.
Pink

Hi Pink. Loved the mental picture of you in the shower fully clothed with crash helmet on !!!!!!!!!!

my worst time with the police was when I got clocked at 143mph on the back wheel. I thought I had giving the police the slip but I didn't know about the helicopter !!!!!! I got a 3 month ban and several points I was coming back from EXW parents house on the A303 to London.

When I said about when we were younger was I would have been asking you out on a date because someone with your passion and recklessness would have being perfect for me !!! of course we are friends now

I have no problem with age because I never really grew up. Myself and S20 bought another bike yesterday so we have another for you to chose from when you arrive !

It's EXWs dads birthday today so I got kids to call him. He asked to speak to me and asked was there any hope for EXW and I. I told him I didn't think so and that she needed her family because she didn't seem happy He said he hoped we get back together as EXW appears to be destroying her life

I better check on dinner. Take care Rd. xx

Just some details about the weekend:

H disappear on Friday and Saturday. The kids and I did not hear from him at all. The on Sunday this was the interaction:

10:19m - H - I wanted you to know that my dad has had two additional surgeries since Wednesday. (Sat/Sun) & is under observation to return to ICU.

10:34 - Me - Sorry to hear that H. It's always such nervous situation. Is he doing good, just post surgery observations or is there any complications? Is this the prostate issue? Are you in Hampton with your family? I will pray for God to hold your Dad and give him strength to get better. And also for you and your family, to give peace to endure this time. My mom had surgery yesterday, but besides being dizzy she is doing well. Her doctor said that her dizziness may be because the anesthesia, since she takes heart medications. Please, let me know if you need anything. It will be all alright. I am sorry it's happening. Thanks for letting me know, I really appreciate. Will all your mom later today.

11:12a - H - Some complications, but he should be OK. We will follow very closely in the next hours. I am glad your mom is OL. Btw, I am here in Colorado & leaving early am Monday for Minneapolis. I'll return Wednesday night.

11:33am - Thanks Hon, will keep your Dad in my prayers, very close to my heart. May this be all to make him stronger and healthier.

11:40am - H - Thanks. I pray for your mom every day.

1:38pm - H - My dad has some kind of leak in his urinary system. They will do another surgery tomorrow to repair.

3:53pm - Me - H I am sending prayers for him. I also did text my prayer group to pray for him and sent a message to my family to keep him in prayer there too. Are you alright?

4:04pm - H - Yeah. Thanks.

4:55pm - H - Cira, would it be OK to stop by the house, just for a few minutes?

8:56pm - Me - The kids were in a park and they are home now. I know it is late for you, but if you want to say Hi to them then it's OK.

8:58pm - H - Thanks. I am heading out from work very soon.

I know I should just get this as it is. H was feeling bad about his dad and decided to share with me. The hard part is to let go on all my questions. Why he does this? Why is him so needy if he is so happy in his new life? But I understand it's best to just let go on the questions and let him be, do whatever his crazy mind is doing.

I was not home when H stopped by. Kids said that he basically came in and said Hi, told them that he would be traveling, asked if they were alone and them said he need to leave because he needed to get ready for his trip.

I actually feel good I did not see him. I did not have the aggravation of H feeling sad and sorry for himself. I was kind with him, gave him some support, but was not there to hug and let him cry on my shoulder. I know how hard it is for him that his step dad is so sick now.

But let's be honesty, he fired me some time ago, so I am not suppose to be there for him all the time, if ever.

I think I did good. I do not feel bad today.

Any advice is welcome!
Pink

It's Monday here and:

10:26am - H - Thanks for letting me stop by last night. My dad is a little better today. They are closely watching the progress.

I actually never said he can't stop by the house or anything similar. He was always welcome at the house.

Oh well, it is just another crazy stuff in his mind. I feel like he creates some weird stories in his mind and then live with it like it is reality.

I will text him back saying: Glad to hear that your dad is a little better. He is a strong man and I am sure he is fighting to get better soon. Let's keep praying that soon he will be out of any danger and will start full recovery. Thanks for keeping me posted, I appreciate it. I will pass the news to the boys. We have been talking about big grandpa.

I think I am doing what I need to do, giving him some support during this difficult time for him. A distant support, I feel its best.

What do you guys think?
Pink

Hi Pink. I think you did great. H knows you care and that's fine. For me , , the perfect thing is you were out when he called. Brilliant. If you meant to be even better. You've shown him you care but your not pursuing.

Just my two cents worth.

Take care Rd

Hello Pink, I'm sorry to hear about your Mum and H's Dad not being too well. I hope things are improving. It sounds like you did fine to me. I always think times like these are good times to show some support, and then you can step back again when life goes back to normal (whatever normal is for us nowadays!)

Sounds like you are doing well my friend. Any update on your eldest's Dad & a possible visit??

((((Pink))))

Nothing much to report, worked a lot today. Getting S15 ready for football camp. So much gear, it looks like he is going to war.

I am planning to go to a big concert on 6/14, so I did talk to a friend from work today and she wants to go, text another friend and she is working that day but will try to get someone to cover for her (she's a nurse).

I will probably be driving, but that is fine. You can probably google and see where it will be. At the Red Rockies in CO, beautiful place.

H did text me today saying:
"My dad is stable today and they are planning another surgery on Thursday."

I did not answer yet because I was super busy at work today, but I am planning to keep just as a friendly supporter during this difficult time in his life.

No expectations, nothing too much, nothing too little.

Pink

I think that is what DB is all about. Sounds like you are doing good with H. Supporting but not overly so. I think it is easy to try to hard and then they think that you are being manipulative when all you are trying to do is show you care. It is a fine line we walk!

I appreciate all your support that you give me BTW.

Ok just read your previous post. I probably would have done the same thing but I am not sure that it is right. I wonder if you should have kept it shorter with just that you were thinking of them and praying period.? IDK.

Sometimes I feel I am too accommodating and 25years told me to not be so available or keep it short. Just a thought?

One thing I do is try and keep my own responses just a little shorter than H's. Pleasant, but brief. If he texted two lines, I'll text one and so on. Not that my sitch is any great example to try and follow!!

Pink, good to hear from you and glad you are keeping busy. I hope S gets off to football camp okay. Are you hiring a mule to help him with all of that stuff??

Any news of H lately, or is he off on his travels just now?? xx

Sounding strong Pink and the concert sounds great fun. I hope S15 has a blast at camp.

Take care. Rd

Hi Skydive and Toots... thanks for all the support.

Actually I didn't want to kill the mule, so we got a moving truck. Geez, those kids need so much stuff on their bodies.

S15 was very excited and happy. We did everything together and he was very kind and caring throughout the errands to get all the stuff he needed.

The only one thing that always comes back, is the comment that his dad didn't even text him wishing a happy time at the camp. It's something to see your kid looking at some of his friends interacting with their dads and talking about football, or the stuff they packet.

Why his dad should take this road. The kid has nothing to do with our issues.

After last text from H, I just text him after 24 hours and I said:
"Hi H. Sorry to hear that your dad needs to have another surgery. It's so much for such short period of time. Hope he continues improving and being stable today. Called G (his mom) on Tuesday night and left a message. Have J (his dad) in my prayers. Thanks for keeping me posted, it's very kind of you. Tchau.

It's pretty long when you write all the words. In my message it did not look so long with all the abbreviations. Anyway, will be more careful and make it shorter next time.

Skydive - you are welcome! Besides, helping each other is the way to grow as a person and learn every time.

Toots - Do you like American football? - By the way, I don't know about S21's father because I did not sent the email yet. Need to do that but did not have time yet. Now thinking, this is the big difference when you are detached. It's not your priority anymore.

Love you ladies,
Pink

Pink

You know the 100% guideline, it applies to your H too you know!

Who knows why these WS do what they do or say what they say? Don't waste headspace on the thoughts, it's a Gordian knot of barbed wire. When you get the answer it will change the question.

Let go sweet Pink, you are just great at being Pink. You've lived and loved, what more can you ask of yourself?

At only 48 there is much more to learn about love. You are only half way through and a second half is going to be much better. This is just a preparation for the best that life can give.

Thank you for your loving words on my thread and I return them wrapped in warmth and energy.

V

Thanks V,

Tonight is a good moment to think that life can be short and time needs to be used wisely.

There a huge storm outside. Lots of lightning, a few tornados touch down. No satellite signal, internet comes and goes.

Yeah, if you are in a way of one of those tornados or even a lightning in Colorado, you going to be fried, or gone.

What would be to think about what you are doing in life, just wasting your time thinking about someone that don't value?

Your words are sweet and have a big meaning, I need to let go and live a decent and full life, and only God knows what will be tomorrow.

I have been trying my best to detach, it happens in ups in downs mode now. I have an intense pain thinking about my M and dreams being gone and other times I feel it is better because I was not happy in my M anyway.

I think that the main principal is not really valuing myself enough to step into my new life with courage and hope.

It's a process and it's one day at a time. I will try my best.

Love you V and I know you understand me.
Pink

Not much happening, just H did text that his dad is doing well after his 4th surgery.

H also wants to know when is S15 football camp. Pathetic... S15 left for camp on Wednesday morning. Then he says that if I agree that he would like to do something with our sons on Saturday or sunday. I don't get it, our "sons" are 15, 17 and 21. They already decide what they want or don't.

What is this bull about...if you agree. I feel like he knows it upsets me and then he does it all the time. Besides the fact that he does not have much to talk to me anymore, so he keeps this cheap tabs.

I am cutting every contact with him, and I think I won't answer him anymore and instead ask the kids to contact him.

Once the court determine his visit with the kids, then it will all be resolved and there will be a schedule.

The pain is more intense, but it is not all the time. Sometimes it just feels that it is the right thing because I was not happy in my marriage. Some other times it is an intense pain that hurts a lot. The devastation of all this.

This is a busy, crazy week.
Thanks for all the support, it would be so much more painful without the good advices and guidance, and even laughs and dreams that we share.

Love,
Pink

He is doing what he does because he can and it feels good to him. Does not care about the effect on Pink, good or bad. Trying to interpret his intention towards you will drive you crazy loco as he most likely has air in his head.

I like your idea of "ask the kids H".

And "I am not a go between H".

"Arrange that with S, if you want to"

"S is old enough to sort that with you H"

"I don't need to be involved with that"

As for camp

"H, why don't you text S yourself to arrange?"

You can agree to let the Sx3 arrange stuff with their dad.

I really like that 180 Pink, and you can prewarn Sx3 "I think you can arrange your own outings etc with your dad.That will give you more choice"

Then step out of the road, there was a big garbage truck of delusions coming to knock you over. You side stepped it. High five.

V

I think your last post Pink was well put. It is all confusing I guess that is what MLC or whatever it is that they are doing is all about.

I think your are right when you said you don't value you yourself enough because you are strong and are doing this and will continue to do this and whatever happens you have to live your best life and if you do look back at M you can probably see that towards the end you were more miserable then you are now.

Hang in there

Hi Pink. Just s quick post to say thinking of you. Take care. Rd

Tons of hugs

V

Thanks Vanilla, Skydive and RD for posting. I really appreciate it.

V you are so right, I can't change anything, all what I can do is be best I can for myself and my kids. Sometimes, I feel like I am afraid to detach, let go... like if I brake that little, thin line then I will not love him anymore.

I know, you will probably say that now is Pink that is going nuts, but I feel that way sometimes, I am afraid I won't love him anymore. I wonder if this is some kind of side effect from some chicken virus.

S - Yes I am strong, I just don't want to be all the time. It's hard that you are always the strong one in the story. But I think it is my personality, I can't be sad for too long, I have a lot of life inside of me.

RD, my sweet RD, I have been busy but I always thinking about you. You are the intriguing question in my head. Sometimes I miss you, reading our nice conversation about the devilish time we both had in our past. Never shared that with anyone in my life, everybody is different then me.

Seems like I need to talk to the sweet Irish so far away. Wish I could share time and a beer with you today. You are so darling to me.

Ah by the way, almost forgot why I am in this board. Because of my annoying H. I did answer his text like this:

"Glad you dad is doing well. S15 left for camp Wednesday morning. Sunday will be a better day if the boys want to do something."

That's it and it is already a lot. C ya H.

To make sure I won't back slide again, I will leave the house every time, before or right when he shows up.

I AM LETTING GO...FLY, GO AWAY H AND LEAVE ME WITH MY LIFE... IF YOU DON'T WANT ME ANYMORE, THEN SET ME FREE AS WELL.

I always said that I am like Scarlett O'Hara from Gone with the wind. And now, I feel even more like her. Every time H comes around I will just think that I can resolve it tomorrow.

Love you all...Have a wonderful weekend. Nothing much to do this weekend since there is a chance of more Tornadoes touch down in Colorado. And Saturday, the appraiser will be at my house by 11am.

Love,
Pink

Thanks Vanilla, Skydive and RD for posting. I really appreciate it.

V you are so right, I can't change anything, all what I can do is be best I can for myself and my kids. Sometimes, I feel like I am afraid to detach, let go... like if I brake that little, thin line then I will not love him anymore.

I know, you will probably say that now is Pink that is going nuts, but I feel that way sometimes, I am afraid I won't love him anymore. I wonder if this is some kind of side effect from some chicken virus.

S - Yes I am strong, I just don't want to be all the time. It's hard that you are always the strong one in the story. But I think it is my personality, I can't be sad for too long, I have a lot of life inside of me.

RD, my sweet RD, I have been busy but I always thinking about you. You are the intriguing question in my head. Sometimes I miss you, reading our nice conversation about the devilish time we both had in our past. Never shared that with anyone in my life, everybody is different then me.

Seems like I need to talk to the sweet Irish so far away. Wish I could share time and a beer with you today. You are so darling to me.

Ah by the way, almost forgot why I am in this board. Because of my annoying H. I did answer his text like this:

"Glad you dad is doing well. S15 left for camp Wednesday morning. Sunday will be a better day if the boys want to do something.

Just short...to the point. C ya H.

Hope you all have a lovely weekend.
Pink

Hi Pink. I hope you have a good weekend and enjoy yourself.

Take care. Rd

Edit - Please start a new thread. - Cadet

Hi Pink. I hope I'm not locking your thread but haven't heard from you in a few days

Take care. Rd xxxx

New thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2576302#Post2576302