An update, an end and the beginning

Hi my DB friends,
I am so sorry for going MIA. I was in so much pain even talking about it hurt. So I went into my cave for awhile (quite literally - in my bed!). Cadet (I see you're a mod now-congrats!), can you link this in my last thread please?

last thread
Re: Susana (9) - I'm tired
I just logged in for the first time in a few weeks, and I wanted to say thank you for having me in your thoughts, and sorry to disappear. I just needed some time to pick myself back up, and even thinking or talking about my sitch hurt too much. But don't despair, because this story has a happy ending...or at least a hopeful beginning...

Update below.

I had a lovely trip to romania. But I did start to miss H. I didn't text him at all and he only texted me once, to ask when I was coming back. When I got back, he was acting strange and very distant and cold. He sat me down after midnight and said "we should talk." And then announced he still wanted a divorce - and wanted to separate ASAP. He was talking about handing in notice on our house the very next day!!! It was basically like the bomb, part 2. I have no idea how someone can act so completely like they are fine in a situation (I mean he was asking me on dates ffs!), never mention divorce and then turn around and say something out of the blue. I wasn't as taken aback as bomb drop #1 because I knew by now how adept he is at avoiding situations and acting like he's fine. Anyway, he said it "wasn't healthy" to continue living together and when I asked him why - and for clarification why he wanted a divorce - he acted like a petulant child and just said "I already told you that! I don't want to talk about it again!" He also kept going on and on about how we'd stayed there "long enough" - even though we'd only stayed one month longer than we'd have had to anyway legally with our rental contract.

Because I was in a difficult situation waiting on a visa decision, I asked if he'd mind staying on until the end of May, and he agreed.

The most ironic/sad/weird thing...
The day after dropping this second bomb, he said ILY (for the first time since BD in December). The ILY I was waiting months for. He broke down and cried and said he's still so attracted to me, he loves me still, and doesn't know if he's doing the right thing but he is trying to do what's right for him and he hopes he is.

I broke the rules and told him he should read NMMNG, and he did. And apologised to me, and said the book had made him realise he has a lot of issues he needs to work on, and he'd blamed me for things that weren't my fault. He also asked me not to take blame for anything, because he didn't think I'd done anything wrong - although I told him I thought I might have contributed.

Then Last weekend he finally told me how he really feels. And boy, it's crazy!
He started with a laundry list of things he wants to do, but feels he can't around me (some of which I have never said anything against so I didn't know where this came from, some of which would be a problem,..you can guess which):
-drugs (!!)
-smoking again
-getting drunk every night
-going out and getting drunk with his friends whenever he feels like, and staying over at their house

Then he had a big rant and told me:
"I don't know how to compromise. Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship. Maybe I'll never learn how to compromise. I don't want to. I just don't want to have to discuss anything or compromise on anything. I just want to be single for the rest of my life, so I can do whatever I want whenever I want without having to talk to anyone."

So that's that, then. Story finished. Book closed.

Then, this weekend I finally got news on my visa (it only took them 7 months to get back to me after they said it would be 8 weeks!). They denied the visa.

So, the silver lining in this whole story...
I hate my job, but I've stayed it in 4 years (despite wanting to leave nearly 3 of those years) because if I quit id have to leave the country. And now, finally, I have no reason to stay.

I told my boss today I'm leaving. It's terrifying, leaving my home and friends and everything I know. I've done it once before, but it feels scarier now. But walking out of the meeting room today - I've never felt more free!! I am finally out of there. I've been so miserable for years my doctor told me I was going to make myself physically ill with stress from work. Still, it's terrifying to leave my job, my home, my friends.

But it's exciting.

Assuming I get accepted to the course, I'm moving to Spain to take a teaching course!

I've always wanted to live in Spain. I need a fresh start. And I want to practice my Spanish, and I know I'd regret it if I never lived there. Well, what better time than now. I have no ties, I might as well go now, while I'm young.

So, the story has a happy ending. Or at the very least, a new beginning.

I think years from now, I will look back at this difficult time in my life, and I'm pretty sure I will think I conducted myself with dignity, and did everything I could to save my marriage.
I do think H will regret his immaturity, and choosing a party lifestyle over his marriage, and choosing to move in with his 20 year old friend to do drugs, instead of working on his marriage.
But I will look back, and see that I chose adventure, and a new life. Whatever happens in Spain, I think it will be exciting. And least I'm going after my dreams.

P.S. Sending lots of love to all my friends here. Thank you for all your support over the last few months, and your concern when I went MIA. Sending my love to you!

Your husband sounds like a big f*cking baby, Susana -- HIS LOSS!!

You go and have an AMAZING life, and a GREAT ADVENTURE!!!!

Hugs,

Starsky

"The Great Adventure"
(Steven Curtis Chapman)

Started out this morning in the usual way
Chasing thoughts inside my head
I thought I had to do today
Another time around the circle
Try to make it better than the last
I opened up the Bible
And I read about me
Said I'd been a prisoner
And God's Grace had set me free
And somewhere between the pages,
It hit me like a lightning bolt
I saw a big frontier in front of me
And I heard somebody say 'Let's go!'

Saddle up your horses
We've got a trail to blaze
Through the yonder of God's Amazing grace
Let's follow our leader into the Glorious unknown
This is the life like no other whoa whoa,
This is The Great Adventure

Yeah....

Come on, get ready for the ride of your life
Gonna leave long faced religion
In a cloud of dust behind
And discover all the new horizons
Just waiting to be explored
This is what we were created for, yeah

Saddle up your horses
We've got a trail to blaze
Through the yonder of God's Amazing grace
Let's follow our leader into the Glorious unknown
This is the life like no other whoa whoa,
This is The Great Adventure

We'll travel on, over mountains so high
We'll go through valleys below
Still through it all we'll find that
This is the greatest journey
That the human heart will ever see
The love of God will take us far
Beyond our wildest dreams
Yeah, oh saddle up your horses
Come on get ready to ride

Saddle up your horses
We've got a trail to blaze
Through the yonder of God's Amazing grace
Let's follow our leader into the Glorious unknown
This is the life like no other whoa whoa,
This is The Great Adventure

Glad you are OK.

Spain is a great place and I have been there many times.
Eat some paella for me - please!

You are going to do great.

Wow, that sounds so exciting!
Congrats on coming out on the other side.
So many new opportunities for you.

Hey Susana!!!!!

I am so glad you came back to post an update. Gosh, your H is an idiot. Starsky said it best, it is his LOSS!

Hope you have a wonderful new adventure in Spain and may many new blessings come across your path.

Yes, it's a new beginning for you. Spain is chock-ful of foodies and restaurants.

You'll be just fine there.

Thank you Diana!

Starsky, Cadet, Wonka - thank you so much for your support, advice and wisdom over the past few months. I couldn't have made it without you!

I am sad its ended like this. There's really not a good way to end a marriage, but I don't think he had to be such a child about it... Sigh. But at least I know now. And as one of my friends put it, I'm lucky to have realised at a fairly early stage in our marriage what an utter child he is.

I do think he'll look back and regret his behaviour and the way he handled this one day.

I'm a mix of emotions, nerves and sadness and excitement.

But I am really excited for my new life!

And d'oh! I forgot to the most exciting bit!! In Spain, I'll be in class and teaching part time...and the rest of the time...I plan to start my own food related business!!!

I am so, so, so proud of you, susana. And I am equally as excited for you.

You are going to ROCK your life. I have absolutely ZERO doubts about that, sweetie.

Much love to you.

Susana,

I'm so glad you have posted! I am sorry, but not sorry, for your loss.

Your H will grow up without you, and you will be fabulous in your new path. I hope you will find your equal out there, you deserve that! You know what 'object permanence' is for a child's development? Well...let's say it took you being in front of him again to remember anything about you or how you made him feel, for any doubts to arise. FFS indeed.

Much love to you. Be happy he had the courage to give you truth so you can get on with things!

Train, Zelda, two of my favouritest DBers!!

Thank you for your kind words.

I am SO excited for my new life, I can't wait for it!

And tbh, although I still love H, more and more I am beginning to think I can't wait to see the back of him...

*Especially* since he's become even more and more childish! Case in point: I actually just had to have the following conversation... He went out drinking/partying with people from work today (we work together) and texted me to say he was too lazy to walk back, and was going to "sleep on a mattress on the kitchen floor" of house that someone that I manage lives in, along with a few others from work. I had to ask him not to stay there and put me in danger of an incredibly awkward conversation tomorrow with this person I manage (we had agreed, a long time ago, not to tell anyone at work about us splitting up until I left the company, to avoid inappropriate or weird work conversations). I manage a large team of people and I try really hard to be as professional as possible (btw just to be clear workplace relationships are accepted - even encouraged! - where we work), even when I've managed a friend in the past I always put the professional relationship first. Sleeping on my team members' floor?! I can't even...
Even though I'm leaving soon, I still want to be professional. I honestly can't believe he would put me in this position!

So Spain, roll on... Can't wait to get over there!

Who keeps a mattress in their kitchen?

Ah well. H's actions are a reflection of him, not you. Joke about if needed, you're out of there soon!

Originally Posted By: Zelda09

Who keeps a mattress in their kitchen?

The 20 year olds he's decided to hang out with in an effort to revisit his teenage days!!!

So he's got a confident, mature, vivacious, loving, and committed partner that has transcended an ocean of suffering out of character and commitment to continue to carry the cross and try to sustain the dream of growing closer together, learning to communicate better, having the bonds that form from working through difficult times, sharing a family, and holding hands through retirement-

And he is willing to punt it to roll blunts, play tetris, and have a few flings with some bar flies?

This won't just be the stupidest decision he'll ever make in his lifetime...it might rank as the second stupidest decision ever made by anyone right behind adam/eve tasting that apple.

Seriously, I am proud of you for the road you've walked and know you will be a blessing to someone. Please do drop posts now and then. We'd love to hear about the matador you meet! (I know nothing about Spain). Ole or something!

Welcome back Susana, and I'm sorry to hear about BD2. I agree with others, your H is a chump right now and is making poor choices IMHO. But I'm glad you are also seeing this as a beginning of your new life....and in Spain too!

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing xx

susana, you are dodging a bullet with that one. I'm stating the obvious when I say that your H sounds very immature and unhealthy and you will be much better off without him. I'm happy for you about your plans for Spain! You will do great, I can tell.

Susana, glad to have an update from you, sad to read the update.

But I get the impression you are going to be just fine, Spain will be very lucky to have you.

*hugs*

Originally Posted By: Zues126

So he's got a confident, mature, vivacious, loving, and committed partner that has transcended an ocean of suffering out of character and commitment to continue to carry the cross and try to sustain the dream of growing closer together, learning to communicate better, having the bonds that form from working through difficult times, sharing a family, and holding hands through retirement-

And he is willing to punt it to roll blunts, play tetris, and have a few flings with some bar flies?

This won't just be the stupidest decision he'll ever make in his lifetime...it might rank as the second stupidest decision ever made by anyone right behind adam/eve tasting that apple.

Classic.

LOL Zues!!!!!

Classic, indeed.

Susana, my dear, everything you have learned the past several months will carry with you. You've always been a remarkable person; we've been able to tell that from Day One. Now, you have what it takes to be a remarkable partner!!! I'm not even suggesting you weren't a great partner before. But you've gone and slapped some icing on the cake that is Susana.

There's somebody out there who is gonna be so happy for the day that I believe your H will spend his life regretting.

You are marvelous, darling.

Susana - I'm sorry you came back to a child when you needed a man. I was really hoping the time in Romania would help. As others have said Spain is lucky to have you!

Thank you everyone for your supportive and lovely comments!! Especially Train and Zues (lol!).

Yesterday I was officially accepted into the teaching course I applied to in Spain.

so now it's just a matter of getting everything sorted and I'm planning to move in mid June if all goes according to plan!

I'm really sad to be leaving my life here behind...but I'm very much looking forward to a fresh start and I think it will be great. I'm nowhere near being ready to date but my friends and I now have a running joke about Pablo, the handsome spanish chef I'm apparently going to meet.

Thanks again to everyone for all your support and I wish that no matter what happens in your sitch, it ends happily!

Congrats

Thanks for posting an update. We understand if you don't post every day, but 2-3 times a month would be appreciated for those that have gotten to know you.

Also- we might be able to help still. I moved away from my life once, and it was very difficult. I felt like a stranger in my own life. It's exciting, but it can be surreal and challenging.

The hard part for me was that it's easier to make bad friends than good friends. Good friends take time to stumble across, filter, learn about, connect with, and develop relationships with. Bad influences are easy to fall into. So hopefully you can continue to turn to us for support when you are homesick, lonely, or confused.

That said, I'm confident with the little I know about you things are extremely bright in your future. Take care S!

Susanna, thanks for the update! You will be amazing in Spain and your X is an idiot. So glad to know you are okay!

Hello DB friends, I promised some updates and here we are. It's hard to believe it but I am leaving for Spain in just a few days!

I found out this week that I got a flat there. It's actually slightly bigger than the flat H and i have been living in in London, and slightly cheaper, even though I'll be paying the rent on my own! It's actually even cheaper than my half of the rent in London.(London prices!) The neighbourhood is great and all my Spanish friends tell me it's the best place to be. Plus it has a patio which means I can finally have a small garden! And those of you who remember me know that I LOVE cooking, and I'm really excited because the flat has a completely new kitchen/appliances.

I've left my job that I hated in London and I've never been happier career-wise although it's only been 2 weeks. I've already started some freelance work for a friend who owns a business, which I'll be able to continue in Spain because it's all online. I think I've found a puppy to adopt when I get to Spain, too! I've wanted a dog forever but was never allowed one anywhere i lived in London.

I spoke to my doctor last week and I am transitioning off ADs, he said normally they'd advise staying on longer but he thinks I am doing well enough I can come off, which makes me very happy.

So all in all, life is good. H has continued to tell me he loves me, and he'll miss me, and he'll miss living with me. This week has been so emotional, we've packed up our whole house and both cried a lot.

He's moving in with his 20 year old party friend...this guy from his work who's basically his drinking buddy. Last night he was telling me the flat is disgusting and he hasn't even seen his room! Then told me he'd much rather live here with me... *sigh* I wanted to shout at him that this was HIS choice, but I'm so done with that. It just goes to show how f***ed up he still is, and how he needs to sort his head out.

I'm upgrading my life and he's downgrading, and I think at some point he'll regret that...

I have to admit that the last few weeks and months have been some of the hardest of my life.. *but* it does get better, just like everyone says... You don't believe it in the beginning but it does. However I am in no way ready for a relationship and don't think I'll be for a very, very long time. I honestly don't know how or if I can ever trust anyone again, given how out of the blue and confusing this whole thing with H is and how to this day he *still* can't tell me what went wrong (he said to me the other night he still doesn't understand why he feels he can't be with me, and he wishes that he'd been able to talk to me about it before BD so we could work on it - but that he didn't understand what he was feeling or how or when it happened). So, anyone who tells me they're happy is going to fill me with doubt and I don't know how I can form any sort of decent relationship with that in my head! But, I think I will be single for a long while, and if i get lonely at least i will have the puppy as company.

I want to thank all of you again for all your support, advice, hand-holding and 2x4s during the darkest months of my life. For those of you out there who are just starting your journey -- when they tell you it gets better no matter what way it turns out, it seems impossible to believe, but it's true. Just have the courage to take decisions that may seem scary, and you never know, you might do the things you've wanted to do forever but were too scared to. Now is the time to make the leap, life is short and you don't want to have any regrets - leave those to your WAS.

This all sounds great, make the most of it.

Thanks for the update, Susana -- you sound great! I'm so happy for you, that you're finally putting this all behind you.

Starsky

You are amazing! Sorry you had to go through the pain, but now it's over and I think it is fantastic you have the spunk to start a new life in a different country.

I wish for you wonderful things in life, and especially a future with someone who will appreciate how special you are. Stay looking straight ahead, that is where your future is located.

Susana,

What a terrific update!! You sound stronger and happier. It's really too bad that H was not able to truly see the shining diamond that has been right in front of him the entire time. Someone will most certainly notice it and treasure it.

Enjoy Spain! I'm a bit envious of you because of all the tapas places you get to sample at any time, any place you want to. I love tapas!

Enjoy writing new chapters in the Susana Book.

Keep checking in Susana

The fat lady is only just taking her first step to the microphone

V