Update: She never got back to me about releasing her lawyer and having the two of us try and work things out, which means she would want me to go 1:1 with her lawyer unrepresented - won't do that. So scheduled meeting with attorney next TUES.
I think this weekend, I'm going to review our existing bills and break down who should pay what. I have separate checking/savings accounts, we have a joint account and she has separate. So it should be easy to divide. This possible convo would ONLY be while we are living in the same house, not to determine anything else.
As far as divorce proceedings, again, I don't want one. So having the attorney drag it out seems like the best move. What about the house though? We're selling it if we get divorced and she said she's living in it until it's sold. Housing market is tough enough. Should I drag out putting it on the market too?
First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2556988#Post2556988
Rip,
I do think you do need to sloowww down. You're on a hyper-speed.
You don't need to review bills or break them down. Don't get ahead of yourself. Your W hasn't brought them up...right? Then don't shoot yourself in the foot.
Has your W filed for D yet? If no, then say nothing, do nothing.
Same with the house.
I think you're JUMPING to conclusions that a D is a foregone conclusion when there's no actual movement in that direction from W. She's all talk right now.
Sit back and STFU.
No. U guys missed that part in the previous thread. My wife filed for divorce Monday and told me Tuesday and then admitted to the affair. Based on that info wonka now what do u suggest?
No. U guys missed that part in the previous thread. My wife filed for divorce Monday and told me Tuesday and then admitted to the affair. Based on that info wonka now what do u suggest?
Hello Ripken,
If you don't mind, I thought I'd jump in. I know Wonka will respond, he has given me excellent advice.
You are in a very, very rough spot now. I don't know if Wonka, or others, will agree with me, but one thing you
don't want to do is over-react. Way easier said than done.
Until your emotions cool down a bit, I think you should do your best not to discuss anything about the M/D/OM now.
What do others think? Ripken realy needs our help!
Bob
Did you meet with your lawyer?
What did he say?
I think that once your lawyer responds he
can put this back on the other side to respond,
and who knows how long that will take.
I then suggest going very dark,
except for legal matters
Rip,
I got that alright....clear and loud.
No. U guys missed that part in the previous thread. My wife filed for divorce Monday and told me Tuesday and then admitted to the affair. Based on that info wonka now what do u suggest?
Just because W has filed for D doesn't necessarily mean that you stake out a white flag on the hill and just do what you
think is supposed to happen next. In your mind, you think that it means that you must cooperate to "separate" bills, clothes, etc. Doesn't work that way.
Stop.
If you've found a L, then tell him the facts:
1) Your W is in an active A with OM
2) You don't want a D
3) You want him (L) to slow things down and try to drag out this process as long as possible
4) Let your L handle any papers and whatnot from W's L
We have seen frequently that many WASes file for D, but don't follow through. Oftentimes it gets pushed back weeks and months. Then as the LBS uses the gift of time to work on themselves, do genuine 180s, GALing, and detaching...then viola! The WAS is drawn to the very interesting and fun LBS....the D is all forgotten.
Right now, you and W are operating on high emotions and being very reactive.
Step back. Calm down yourself.
Again, do nothing yourself. That is what we are ALL suggesting here.
That helps. Thanks for showing me to slow down. I won't have an attorney officially representing me until TUES - earliest we can meet. Wife texted me that her attorney wants me to pick up the paperwork - I will do nothing. My attorney to me the 21 day clock to respond doesn't start until I'm served or sign/pick them up there - why speed up that process.
When/if she asks me about it tonight, I'll simply tell her I'm weighing my options and need to look at what's best for me and our sons. I'm sure at that point she'll have the sheriff serve me at work tomorrow/Monday, but I'm ok with that.
Ready to try and GAL and continue to work on me. Have counseling once a week and DB coach once a week and this forum. So I'll slow down and work on detaching.
Only looked at reviewing the bills as a way to ensure she pays for things too while she's in the house and doesn't just use the money in her account for her own things/affair/etc.
But again, I can calm down and wait.
I'm very sure I'll have to maintain my spew jacket and awkwardness and uncomfortableness around her. The longer it drags on the more she will become resentful that I'm not allowing her to move on.
I know I am not responsible for her or her feelings. But, I really don't like the thought of that atmosphere in our house. I'm assuming, if I stay calm, collected, consistent and LRT/GAL/180 - she will be the one that has to work on things and that will become more apparent. Right?
Rip,
If you've found a L, then tell him the facts:
1) Your W is in an active A with OM
2) You don't want a D
3) You want him (L) to slow things down and try to drag out this process as long as possible
4) Let your L handle any papers and whatnot from W's L
Hello Ripken,
Wonka has given excellent detailed advice. Please hang in there and listen.
Bob
Will be going over the Open marriage/OM script tonight. Pretty much did that when she dropped the bomb, but didn't outline while she continues the affair I am not her friend and communication will be limited to the boys.
Did tell her the affairs disrespects me, the marriage and our family and I don't want a divorce.
I'm not asking this out of fear, but do you feel I should essentially rehash this again or just show her with my actions and wait until she brings it up/notices the change in demeanor/conversation?
show her with my actions and wait until she brings it up/notices the change in demeanor/conversation?
This one! ^^^
Sounds good. Doing my on thing with and without our sons. Not engaging in any divorce or lawyer talks - my attorney will handle all of that for me TUES.
Other than that I just need to stay busy and go out there and meet new people - not to date, just to make new friends and find common interests.
Any interaction with me will have to be on her and I'll be ready to explain my detaching with the No open M/OM script when/if she brings it up.
show her with my actions and wait until she brings it up/notices the change in demeanor/conversation?
This one! ^^^
Starsky
Thanks starsky, cadet, wonka and everyone else! I do appreciate the continued support and help. I know I'd feel lost without the forum!
Ok so last night was ok. Really been going dark and distant but hard to be short with responses and have them not come across rude or mean. W takes it that way and gets mad even though I'm not responsible for her feelings.
Now it's uncomfortable in the house even with my sons. If she's with them I almost feel like I can't be in the room because that's giving into the family part Sandi said she needs to feel loss from. Also she's started being on the phone with friends family and when I'm in the room say "uh huhs" and "uh uhs", clearly talking about me.
How do u gal and stay dark in the same home? It's already tough and uncomfortable and this is only day 2 of really stfu and staying away. Especially when my sons are with her on the couch. If I stay in the room it feels pursuing.
It's almost as if the two of us are competing with each other on who gets to spend time separately with the boys before the other one can claim them. I guess when she takes them, like right now, I'll use that time to go out and do something.
Sorry for what you are dealing with Rip. Everyone deals with it different. It was a little easier for me because W did not and still doesn't do as much with the kids. In the beginning, she did act like we were competing. When I stated my boundaries or if we had an argument, she would do alot more with them as if she was using them to hurt me. It is probably just as uncomfortable for her, but she will react with anger. I am not saying how I started out dealing with it is the correct way, but I avoided W as much as possible for awhile. But I also took the kids to do things and spent alot of time with them. W would go to bed after we ate dinner, so the kids and I would hang out together. We went outside and played basketball. I set up a mini golf in the basement. I found whatever little things I could do to be with them. I started working hard on myself. I was polite to W but also did not spend as much time in the same room as her. But I also kept busy so it did not look like I was all bummed out. I faked being happy at first. Than I started to find out that I actually was happy after awhile. Not happy about my situation, but happy with MYSELF and happy knowing I will be okay no matter what happens.
When you get the chance to go do things for yourself, just go do them. Even if you are by your self. I went to town one day and did a little shopping, ate at one of my favorite restaurants just to get out. I did not do it to get a rise out of W, but she did not care for it. But she does not control me. Grab your kids and go do something with them for the day. Just you and them. You have to get creative with things to keep busy. And don't let W know that the things she is doing is upsetting you. Leave the room for awhile if you have to. The more you keep doing these things, the stronger YOU will become. And it will be easier to detach from the situation. Once you start taking yourself out of the situation, the harder it will be for your W to keep focusing on her resentments towards you.
Thanks joe. That helps! Out doing my own thing. Coiencedly, went shopping and out to eat. Not a bad time.
Weekend of May 8th is sure to be a trigger for me. That's our 11/14 anniversary and we just renewed vows on that date last year. Also that Sunday is Mother's Day and we always go to an amusement park as a family that day.
I know i can't sit in that uncomfortableness and am very sure she will want Mother's Day for her own. Even if she invited me, I could t fake happy family just yet and as sandi says I feel she needs to feel that loss.
So I'm goin to go away for the weekend and visit one of my friends. 99% sure. Question is when to tell her? Kinda afraid to but not sure why. Maybe cuz I don't want to start a precident of her leaving for vacations whenever. Not sure. I know I can't control her. The constant wave of emotions is tough.
Rip,
You want to go away because YOU WANT to regardless of what's going on. You can tell W nonchalantly that you will be away during that weekend.
Thanks wonka. Will do that. Last night took the boys to a movie and got back about 10 - wife was gone. Not sure when she came back, but I slept like crap so pretty sure it was after 4am. This bothers me because we agreed to always be home each night so the other didn't have to answer our sons questions or have it be tougher on them.
She came home but with this being the first night since that agreement, it feels like she's clearly testing me, but I'm not a mind reader. I know this isn't something I'll bring up or discuss with her. Just have to ignore it and fake like it doesn't affect me. She's going to do whatever she wants and as long as she continues this affair, I'm the enemy, I can't believe anything she says or does and just need to stay the course.
Easier said then done. Last night had 3-4 different dreams about her and om. Going to have to have a good plan to stay busy today
A couple of things I am trying to work on for me:
-I pursue and need to pull back, stfu and stay dark. Throughout our relationship, the more I would pursue the more she would run. My anxiety built up and I would pursue more. This also feed into our sex life and if she was distant, I would assume as long as we're having sex everything is alright. Not the case for her. She built up resentment and felt used.
-I made her my sense of happiness and self esteem. Also why is probably pursued and got anxious if she was distant. This also made it harder not take take it personally if she did things with other people or by herself. I felt she didn't want to spend time with me and prob would make her feel guilty about it. Another pattern. This could have made her feel controlled or that she wasn't able to do anything for her.
-I'm a fixer. If something is wrong i address it, form a plan and immediately start working to make it better. She doesn't want to be fixed right now and doesn't feel she needs to be. Even if we work on us, there will be times where she just wants to be heard and validated. Not fixed.
-I need to revisit myself and build myself esteem back up, so I can be happy for me and be able to control my own anxiety.
-I need to stop mind reading and let her go/detach, while also not taking everything personally.
These are all realizations I understand have created in impact in the failure of our marriage and things I need to continue to address and work through in my own actions for me.
While she is physically in the same house as me,Moshe is emotionally gone and distant.mshe doesn't want me right now and is fulfilling those needs with third parties. Nothing I can do to change that right now.
Ripken - this sounds so familiar to my situation. I can identify with all the things you just listed. While I don't think my wife is in a PA, we've been separated all week, so, who knows. Either way, you gain nothing by chasing. So relax. Focus on you and the boys and be patient.
I'm trying to catch up on your thread. I had to stop to address this when you said you weren't sure your W was wayward.
This woman is a serial cheater!! You took her back with no conditions or reconciliation plan in place. She never had to deal with consequences of her bad behavior and did not have to work at rebuilding a relationship with you. She did not have to be accountable for her actions, time, or whereabouts. Wasn't long until she was staying out till 2:00 am and making up excuses to spend the night away from home. This is a married woman and a mother of two boys. Yet, you think she's not wayward b/c you aren't sure she's in an A. Trust me, she is wayward! She does not have to be in an A to qualify for waywardness.
Whose decision was it to sleep in separate rooms? What are you wishing to resolve, if she's in no A, and you can't even see she's living contrary to the values, standards, morals, etc., that you thought you both shared. What's the plan? Wait it out? Wait
what out?
Then I read this post and I have to stop again to comment.
Update. She said when I first asked her that she did it and then was going to put the money back as soon as it was deposited but once she put it through she couldn't take it back. Ultimately she said that she's at a point where she cares but she really doesn't care. Said that she can't trust me at all and needs to protect herself. Told her she should have her account and keep the money if it helps her feels safe. Asked her if there was anything I could do to help her feel more safe and she shrugged it off. Said that its great that I say I've changed but she can't trust it and said that realization [censored] because she's been burned too many times by me. Said she has no ill will towards me but can't trust me. Told I appreciated her saying that and I understood. Also said I hope over time my actions not my words will build some of that back up to where she doesn't feel she has to lie or hide things from me. Then we talked about other general things. No yelling and she never said she was done or wanting to move out or bringing up divorce which I would have thought would have been the time to do so. She seemed a little upset but really more indifferent. Not sure what to do from here or what to think. Help!
The WW has a unique ability to shift truth, blame, guilt, accountability & responsibility onto the H. They use this to use for their own advantage. The above quote is a prime example. Didn't you say you would not tolerate lies? Yet, she lied......and more. She turns this whole incident around and says she doesn't feel she can trust you........and she has to protect herself b/c she doesn't feel safe with you. Then amazingly, you fall right into step with her reasons and decide you must do whatever you can to make her feel safe........with money, and you need to earn her trust.
You have the shoes on the wrong feet. She is the one who broke trust in the M and continues to lie and be underhanded. Does she have to face any consequences for her actions? Doesn't appear so.
Don't be a fool. She is playing you for a sucker. The WW will not appreciate how hard you are working out in the gym, or how much you contribute to the house chores, how often you keep the kids while she goes off to play, or how faithful you remain to your vows. A WW is wrapped up in herself and everything else comes last.
You must change the dynamics greatly. That is the only chance you have to get her
really back all the way.
Also can use help. Today she's acting like (maybe is not a mind reader) that she's in a good mood. Anyway she's been doing and folding my laundry. Told her she didn't need to, baked cookies and offered me some, didn't have any and then told me she was making dinner and offered me some. Told her I wasn't goig to have any.
Is this essentially what I need to do? Refuse the help or her trying to be nice. My take is when/if she asks why I can finally give her the om/no open marriage speech. Thoughts?
Ok. So she asked me to pick some things up from the store for her. Told her I wasn't going to and the. Gave he the om/no open marriage speech.
She didn't budge. Said she understood but wasn't going to stop being who she is. Told her she is free to make her own choices but I can't be her friend as disrespectful as she is being. There's nothing more I have to offer.
She then reminded me to pick up paperwork from her lawyer. Will hire and have my attorney do so Tuesday.
She said she wanted to talk and review things after paperwork. Told her I'd wait until my attorney reviews it.
Also told her I would be of of town in 2 weeks. She didn't ask questions and when she realized it was our anniversary weekend it seemed to hi her why.
She seemed a little angry/sad, but mostly indifferent. Again not a mind reader.
Now what? More of the same? Go dark, gal, etc?
Doesn't seem like she has any plans to stop the affair or missing what we have/had
So what did you do while everyone was having dinner?
I think you have missed the point in time to give her any speeches about you not living in an open M.
Personally, I believe you need to stop telling her you don't want a D. She gets it, okay? Truth is, she doesn't care what you want. She doesn't care that you won't live in an open M. What's your point in telling her now? She is getting a D, so giving her any conditions to a MR with you seems pretty bad timing, IMO.
Sandi,
This is the first time Rip has said the not willing to live in an open M speech to his W.
Rip,
Well done. Now you go dark and GAL.
Let your L do all the paperwork and communications on the legal stuff.
Don't do family activities with W. Focus on you and the kids.
You might want to review the Boundary and Validation Cheat Sheets for she will test you.
You might want to take a look at newpand's thread...he found his balls and spoke up to his W. Wow.
You've already said your piece, no need to bring out the same script. It's ACTIONS going forward.
-Cut off any phone plans that W has on your plan
-Get your own checking account and move all of your money there
-If W stays out after 11 am, lock all the doors
-Use the family money for kids' stuff, groceries, and the house's basic needs
-Don't pick up any paperwork from W's L...that is weak
Will do wonka. Sandi, we haven't had dinner she told me before she even started which is why I told her the speech. Right after she asked me to pick up food for her and told her no. Felt she needed to know why and my boundaries. From reading all ur posts it seemed like right thing to do.
Anything else u can offer in addition to what wonka and others have said sandi?
And sandi yes, she did file for divorce and again mention her lawyer today. However, what am I supposed to do? You make it sound like the divorce is enevitable at this point and I just need to accept well be divorced and move on.
Winka and others have advised not to stick the white flag in the ground and help her in the process.
Am I missing something? I really appreciate ur feedback. Not trying to sound condescending but I thought I did a good job
Also I have been studying the 37 rules daily. How we with a ww who filed for divorce do these really still apply in my sitch? She seems too far gone.
I'm second guessing everything and it's hard to believe she en has the slightest hesitation about moving on and finalizing things. Like she's not hurting
My W filed first. I discovered the A after she filed. She assured me it was an EA. It was a PA. Talks of marriage, OM being a good step father. Her finally getting a job after years of not working and being a STHM.
You can't really do much at this point. You have to focus on yourself because focusing on her will just push her away.
I've made plenty of mistakes. What works is GAL, move on, drop the rope, let her go, etc.
It [censored] and it hurts. Eventually it will hurt less. You'll realize it and it's like a light bulb just turned on in a dark room. She may come along and turn off the light, give you some hope of R. Do your best to keep the road paved if you want. Eventually, you really won't care if the road is paved (or so I hear).
I'm not there yet. I have finally realized that I can't do anything to change her or make her see she's making a mistake. Maybe she's not. She may doing what she needs to be happy. I can only learn from this, become a better person, a better father. I can be someone that it's hung up on someone else.
Keep focused on DB and DR. Sandi's rules and posts are worth reading a thousand times. The vets here are awesome. Many of the new comers are awesome. Keep reading and learning.
You make it sound like the divorce is enevitable at this point and I just need to accept well be divorced and move on
That's not what I said. I was trying to tell you how it's seen from her point of view. She believes she is done with you & the M. She doesn't care that you don't want a D. She no longer cares what you want, how you feel, or what your conditions would be to stay in the M. All she cares about is being legally freed from the M.
If you tell her you won't live in an open M, after she's already filed for D.......she figures "who cares". I mean, if she hasn't asked what it would take to work things out, and she is already in process of divorcing you........how do you think that particular pronouncement is effective
now? If she doesn't honor it, how will you respond?
I must have missed something. I was going through the thread quickly. I did not see where you stated a boundary to her. I saw where you seemed anxious to use the "speech", as you called it. What you need to understand is repeating the same thing or even stating boundaries does not fix the problem. Many guys think once they say something (like a boundary) it should have positive results. Sometimes it does, and sometimes she will test it to see what you'll do. A lot of WW's would tell you to hit the door if you don't like it. Know what I mean? It is just like dealing with a very rebellious teenager.
So anyway, what do you plan to do when she continues having an A while living with you? If you have actually said it, how will you back it up? The WW will respect one thing, and that's the man who won't be treated disrespectfully. That is why it is so important to show strength in what you say and how you act.
I am not trying to upset you, and I am not saying divorce is enevitable. It is going to be extremely difficult living with her b/c most WW's do not respect the H enough to honor his boundaries. In her opinion, talk is cheap. Therefore, you have to have a plan of action if your boundary is not honored. Don't misunderstand, I am a firm believer in having boundaries. I also believe they are useless if not enforced when disrespected.
She has lied, deceived, and cheated her way through the M. She has a H who loved her and wanted to give her the benefit of doubt when she continued to disrespect him. Unfortunately, she does not appreciate it.
Let me ask you something. Considering the woman she has become, are you sure this is what you want for the rest of your life?
My boundary was that I could not be her friend and all of our conversations would have to revolve around the boys. As long as she disrespects me by having the affair and there being another man, I won't interact like we're ok. Based on my thread that was the action 3-4 vets had given me. My actions are to gal and leave her alone - easier said then done.
Right now I'm hurting and do want a chance to see if we would be able to work through the past hurt as we never did three years ago when we got back together. How she is right now is not the woman or what I want for the rest of my life, no. But like you said, once/if the affair ends and she respects me and notices changes, she could come back and marriages can survive affairs. Could that happen for us? I'm not sure, but right now, I'd like to try.
So knowing all of this, sandi anything else you think I can do? I realize my words or times to talk are done now. There's no point in anything else, just action.
Let me ask you something. Considering the woman she has become, are you sure this is what you want for the rest of your life?
Hi Rip,
Sandi has offered some great advice (as always!) and I can relate to your struggles. Sandi asked an intersting question at the end of her last post.
Many people, in my life, and a few on this forum, have asked me the same thing about my WW. Although there is no OM involved, she has become very deceitful. She opened a bank acct last May in the state where she lives now with her mom/stepdad. I found out about it in August because my WW sent a text meant for her Mom to me! When I confronted her about it (calmly) she said it was an account for "funny money" for her and one of her sisters. I didn't believe her and asked if things were okay between us, suggested counseling, etc. She said everything was "fine." The kicker--she tried to hide the acct from her own lawyer and the court. I still had the text and sent a screen shot to my lawyer. Eventually, she said it was opened in Sept--not true, obviously. Eventually, the truth came out. She's lucky--she could've been held in contempt of court.
Why am I going on and on here about my sitch? We all have to think about how things will be different IF you are to reconcile. I know my WW felt isolated because she has MS and I would not buy another car after she totaled hers in July 2013. I was so worried about her safety, I got over-prtective. Since I've gone to therapy, my therapist has gotten me to see it from her side about feeling isolated. But my therapist also says my WW has many attributes that are not helpful in a marriage and feels she is a taker and I am a giver and a "good guy." Then why am I in this mess?
I am not giving up on my W or our M yet. I still feel my WW has a warm heart and got very depressed over being stuck in the house a lot. So, I'm doing my best to keep with the DB principles.
Do your best to take things slowly.
Take care, Rip!
Bob
Thanks. Right now I look at ww as an addict. She is addicted to her affair and the high it gives her. Nothing will change right now. She needs to hit rock bottom before she'll even think about help or change. How will I react if what feels like an unrealistic dream happens and she turns toward me, ends the affair and wants to work us? Not sure but again right now I want to try.
I don't 100% blame myself anymore. She chose to have the affair. I take responsibilities for the things I could have done differently in the relationship as I listed a little earlier. But she had choice and things she can do differently too.
Also right now I'm rarely angry wih her. It definitely comes when I picture her and om, but mostly I feel sorry for her. Sorry for her hurt and that she's addicted and blocking others out like family who she knows wouldn't support it.
She has lied, cheated, committed deception and disrespected me. I by know means justify or disregard this. However in the state she's in, how would I expect differently? Especially as sandi and others outlined her behavior before it happened.
Rip,
I think you have a good attitude about your situation and some excellent points.
Hang in there and keep working on DB'ing if that's what you want.
You are stronger than you probably realize.
Regards,
Bob
Thanks bob. I'm trying. I really appreciate u and all the vets chiming in and offering support and advice. This forum has been so helpful!
My boundary was that I could not be her friend and all of our conversations would have to revolve around the boys. As long as she disrespects me by having the affair and there being another man, I won't interact like we're ok.
You said you told her you would not live in an open M. Now you saying something else. Which way did you tell her exactly?
My boundary was that I could not be her friend and all of our conversations would have to revolve around the boys. As long as she disrespects me by having the affair and there being another man, I won't interact like we're ok.
You said you told her you would not live in an open M. Now you saying something else. Which way did you tell her exactly?
Hi Rip,
You are most welcome. I just read your post and had the same question as Sandi.
Bob
That's exactly what I told her. I don't want to divorce but won't stand in her way. The second part was I cant be in an open marriage and if she continues the affair that's disrespecting me and I can't me her friend or in her life outside from talks about the boys. Now I show her that by going dark.
She filed so I can't kick her out of the house, it's her legal residence and she's no leaving. I don't want to vacate the home. Also with 2 sons here it's not like I can just be gone every night and miss time with them.
What else should I have done and better yet since I can't change the past, what can I do now? Feels like I screwed this up more than I thought
Ripken,
I just read up on your situation. It was just over a year ago I discovered my W was having an A. Prior to that, I got the "im not happy speech" about 7-8 months earlier. After finding out about the A, it got awful in our house. She was as bad of a WW as any on this site as far as being disrespectful, not caring about my feelings or being hurtful...you know the story. A couple of months later, she filed for D, and we separated to different towns. It was then I found out about DB and this forum. 2 extremely painful months later and with lots of support from this forum, I worked on what I could on myself, did my 180s, worked on GAL, and utilized the LRT. Guess what? We started having the occasional date nights. She became more openly affectionate and caring towards me. She still wanted a D she said, but she would never serve me the D she filed. Those date nights were short lived during that summer. By late fall I was done. I dropped the rope, and I felt good about it. I was at peace with my decision. In December I filed D in our new state, and I immediately had her served. And guess what? She became even nicer. Our interactions are friendly and all smiles. She is the one dragging her feet on the D I initiated. She was supposed to turn in discovery answers in January. Well, here we are almost May and she still has not.
I am telling you this because I was once right where you are now. I could not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I could not imagine my W and I even being friendly to each other. She constantly initiates texting, spends more time with the camera pointed on herself than the kids when I skype with them. Does this mean her A ended? Who knows. Does this mean she wants to R? Couldnt tell ya. Does it mean she is having second thoughts? Anyones guess. Worrying about what your W or my W is thinking is a waste of time. What all of this means is that I am comfortable in my life where it is. I am detached enough from her where her actions, good or bad, have no impact on my daily life, or my plans for the future.
You will get there too. It just takes time. You will hear it over and over on this forum. I heard it, and it meant nothing to me back then because I was worried about what I could do that very day to make things better. The only thing that will, is time. Maybe not for your M, but it will for you, if you spend it working on becoming the best you possible.
Best of luck to you.
Question - is your name on the deed or is it only her name? If only her name she can kick you out legally (sorry). I would scout out close studio apartments just in case.
If your name is on the deed - I would move her stuff out of the marital bedroom to the couch or another room. Is that why you are still living together? If so, they must be hard.
If both of your names are on the deed - don't leave the home try to get her to leave.
Try to be distant but cordial and it sounds like you are doing a good job at that. Don't do her any favors shopping or picking up any legal docs -let her do it.
Spend as much time with your boys as possible - be gone from the house as much as possible. Don't enable her in any way as she is a ww.
This blows right!?!
Hang tough my friend.
Pilot - thanks so much for your story. That helps. I hope one day I can get to that point. I have flashes where I think I'm there and I'm clearly not. Were u able to detach while she was still living with u? I find it's easier when we're apart, but I don't see separate residences for months down the road. What can I do now? Again, can really only be out 2 nights a week or so. Any more and I feel like I'm abandoning the boys.
Heavy, we both have names on the lease and apparently when she filed her lawyer stated this is her legal residence. So when she told me last week she wanted the divorce and later admitted to the affair, I suggested she movie out and she declined and said she's not until the house is sold and we can both move out then. The house isn't on the market. I'm not talking to any real estate agent and to my knowledge she hasn't. It's on her to do something.
At first I think I was in shock and confused that with pity for her and trying to understand the pain she must have been in to chose an affair and now that she's there her addiction she must have to lie to my face and hide it. However lately I'm dreaming and thinking about ww and om so frequently anger and hurt are taking over. What are some ways to work through this so I can be upbeat and positive while gal and trying to be the best me possible? I already have weekly appointments with an ic and db coach.
The other question I have is the communication during going dark. I gave her my boundary that all communication would be about the boys and we can't be friends with the om in the picture. So I don't initiate anything. However, how do I do that and respond when she does and still one across polite and cordial?
Examples: she makes a dinner she's excited about and asks if I want some. (This one was easier for me) I say simply, no thank you.
She starts making small chat about a show she's watching or the recipie she's cooking. I waiver between ignoring and no comments or simply saying "that's good or ok".
My default has been to ignoring and silence when spoken to, but this seems cold and rude and not what I understood lrt to be. This is still really new to me and hard to grasp.
I don't want her to feel things are ok and we're friends, but I also don't want to just be rude and a dick either. Responding to communication that she initiates is another struggle right now.
If your name is on the lease - get a copy. That's what's important no matter what she tells any lawyer or realtor. If your name is there don't move - you have every legal right to be there, period. Do you own this house? If so, she can't sell it without your consent. Can you make the mortgage payments on your own?
Yiou have to remember she is not your friend right now. She is using you, lying to you, doing everything in her power to get her way, that is have sex with another man against your marriage vows and your wishes.
You don't have to be cold, just say no thanks she is playing nice - giving you plates of food etc... That's all. I struggle with that too being cold or just being distant but polite.
You can do this - make her respect you. Be the best father you can be!
Heavy D - thanks. We own the house and both of our names are on it. I'm not worried about me getting kicked out or losing it, but also feel she won't be leaving either.
So, if we're going to be in the same house together, how I can get through this as she continues to decide to continue the affair? I know there's nothing more I can say or do to change this, so how can I work on me?
Also, yes, any more suggestions or feedback on the communication would help. Not trying to be her friend, but also not an enemy. How to have that balance is escaping me.
Rip,
So, if we're going to be in the same house together, how I can get through this as she continues to decide to continue the affair? I know there's nothing more I can say or do to change this, so how can I work on me?
You only can control YOU. You've already said your no OM boundary and communicated to her that you don't want a D, but won't stand in her way. It's time to STFU about that boundary and not wanting a D forever. She's heard you.
Going forward it is all about actions. How you can work on yourself is doing some introspection and think about some of the legitimate issues that W complained about you. The do 180s that are FOR YOU because, after all, you'll live with those changes for the rest of your life regardless if W comes back or not.
If you had a temper, then work on it and becoming more calmer. You get the picture...
Also, yes, any more suggestions or feedback on the communication would help. Not trying to be her friend, but also not an enemy. How to have that balance is escaping me.
Respectful and cordial communications are the way to go. Don't be a dick if W offers you something like dinner. Simply say, "thanks" and eat. Just be sure that you and W don't do family activities like going out to the movies, zoo, etc.
For now, go dark. Communicate only on the logistics related to the children. Stay in your own MBR...make sure W is sleeping else where.
Never, NEVER talk about or bring up OM. Look past him.
Use your ears more than your mouth when interacting with W.
Wonka - THANK YOU! That helps. Yes, even though I bring up the boundary and speech on hear, I don't tell her that and wouldn't. My talks and discussing on Marriage/Divorce, etc are done.
I will go back to my list of things I need to improve upon and find ways to work past those, for me.
As far as with the WW, I even felt eating what she made or acknowledging/allowing her to do anything for me was what a friend would do, so ignored or turned down those offers. But again, that felt cold.
Again, wife is sleeping elsewhere, I'm in MR. We have separate accounts and she pays for her own things.
I'll keep that in mind with family activities. So even in times like watching TV with the boys and she comes in the room - should I leave? Or in that scenario, if she's already in the room with the boys, should I not stay and watch with them?
Rip,
Be yourself in your own house.
The most important thing is to get out of the house more often. Join a softball league, take up Judo, take art classes...whatever it is that strikes your interest. Then inform W that she will need to watch the kids during those block of times.
I am glad to read that you are in the MBR. Good! Stick to this plan. Ah, you do have separate accounts....very good.
Wonka has some great advice for you. For me, when I was still living in the same house, I was still doing all the wrong things. It was extremely hard for me to detach, and this was before I had even heard about DB. When we did separate, it was in separate towns, and I only saw her once every week to 10 days for just a few minutes when we swapped kids.
All of that being said, you cannot be a jerk while are in the same house. If you want to REALLY get your wife's attention, the BEST thing you can do is have a great and happy attitude. Become the best actor you can possibly be. When/if she cooks dinner, just take it, sit down with the kids, and be a great dad to them. Ask them about their day, engage in conversation with them. Be happy FOR your kids. Do not include her in your conversations. To you she is not even in the room. If she says something or asks something, just pretend you are in a restaurant and she is a stranger from another table asking a question to you. Answer it politely, briefly, then go back to your own dinner with you and the kids.
Work on GAL and getting out of the house. You are NOT a babysitter so your W can carry on her affair. Make plans and in fairness to the kids, make sure you let your W know ahead of time that you will be out on certain days. Do NOT tell her where you are going. If she asks say you have plans with some new friends. Be mysterious. Make her wonder what you are doing. Do not be afraid to make plans with the kids and take the kids somewhere. But above all else, act happy and content. It will be hard at first, but eventually, you will find yourself doing things that do make you happy and content. Try not to dwell on what your W is doing every 5 seconds she is out of your sight because you will just go mad.
That's exactly what I told her. I don't want to divorce but won't stand in her way. The second part was I cant be in an open marriage and if she continues the affair that's disrespecting me and I can't me her friend or in her life outside from talks about the boys. Now I show her that by going dark.
Okay, that helps us have a better picture. It sounds better after you put in the rest of it, than just telling her out of the blue that you won't live in an open M. I couldn't understand why you were refusing to eat dinner, etc. This explains it.
Feels like I screwed this up more than I thought
Well, maybe not. However, you are now the one who seems to be suffering the most over these boundaries, so let this be a learning experience to not bite off more than you can chew.
I hope I'm not stepping on anyone's toes that may have given you advice to go dark, but I don't see how it's possible when living together. Going dark means they never see or hear from you, same as if you fell off the planet. There is no contact with them about kids or anything else. So, IMO, you should not even consider the "Going Dark" method. You can, however, use the last resort technique b/c you are definitely in
that place. The LRT and Going Dark are two separate methods, and when a couple has children, it is almost impossible to use Going Dark properly.
You can use the LRT without leaving the home/family. You can apply this technique without appearing cold or angry. You can use it and not fall into the friend trap. You can set boundaries. The LRT is not easy, but it's better than what you are trying to do at the moment.
In the future, whenever you make a statement about what you will or won't do.....just make sure you aren't cutting off your nose to spite your face.
Make sure you understand LRT and don't make any pronouncements to her about what you are doing, okay? Based on what you've said you told her, I think you will be able to stick with the boundary you set.
So fundamentaly, the difference between going dark and the LRT is ANY contact. LRT allows some contact, which is needed and will happen living together. That makes sense.
Thanks again, Pilot. I will. I'm making plans to join a softball league. This week, I have plans THURS night, movie with the boys FRI night and (weather permitting) skydiving SAT. So, just need to keep busy M-WED.
It helps to have a better visual on how to communicate without being rude, short or ignoring her entirely when she initiates. I'll continue to keep you guys posted and appreciate the continued feedback, suggestions and support!
Also, Sandi - anything else you think I should do or be mindful of to continue to gain her respect? I know that's key with a WW.
Nothing I can say - all about actions and doing, I know.
I'm sure the majority of this has been covered by you and others and I'm taking notes and putting into action. Just want to make sure I'm not missing ANYTHING!
Personally, I feel like I have a team of All-stars weighing in on my sitch and helping me out - Wonka, Cadet, Sandi and even strong newcomers like Pilot, Bob, Heavy D, etc. I read all of your posts and I hope to get to a point where I can start to help others and pay it forward.
I'm doing what I can now, but still hard not to let things overwhelm me.
It helps to have a better visual on how to communicate without being rude, short or ignoring her entirely when she initiates. I'll continue to keep you guys posted and appreciate the continued feedback, suggestions and support!
This is not easy. I speak from experience. You have to let go of the resentment and speak to her as you would a neighbor. I struggled with this in the beginning. It helps to keep concentrating on you and your kids. And find anything to keep busy. STFU really helps, especially when she tries to push your buttons. When you have those angry feelings, remember THIS TOO SHALL PASS! Hope that helps some.
Joe, yes. How could I forget to mention you too! Anyone else I'm forgetting, please forgive me - not intentional!
Thanks for the vote of confidence.
Don'tlet this overwhelm you, I know it is VERY HARD. I struggle with my situation daily but have learned how to handle my emotions and myself a whole lot better because of this board, the books, etc...
Try to be cordial, it is not easy when you want to just thwap them with your thumb in the middle of their forehead. Just be distant. "Thanks but I already have other plans" or "Thanks but I am not hungry" kind of thing. That's what I am doing and it garners a more postive reponse than me being curt. Being curt comes much more naturally to me but I have learned that in the long run, being cordial is the best approach.
Yes, none of this is easy. I know, we all know.
Hang tough. You can do this.
Well - her attorney just served me, so looks like she's still going forward with it (not surprised). Rather than spend time reviewing everything and making myself crazy, I'm just going to take it to my meeting with the attorney tomorrow and have them handle it. Fun times!
Rip,
Just a piece of paper. Remember to tell your L the facts and have him/her try to slow down the D train.
Hang in there man. It must have been tough to get those papers.
Don't pretend it doesn't hurt. Turn towards your feelings, not away from them.
Ugh. Went on FB for the first time in a month. She posted a picture of a new shirt and the OM commented "looks good baby". Why do I do this to myself?!
Why don't you unfriend her?
Triggers - avoid the ones you can. You have to figure out how to deal with the ones you can't avoid.
For the time being, I would not try to talk her into changing her mind about the D, or to express how you still don't want it. She doesn't need to know you want to slow down the works, okay?
From this point forward, I think you should not interact as though you were her H. I don't mean you can't be civil, or sit down to eat a meal together with the kids, but try to treat her more like you would a boarder staying there. It may help guide your actions & attitude in some things that will come up.
Sandi, thank u. I won't mention it again. No more talk, just action. I'll be civil and upbeat as if she is someone staying in the house, but not my wife. I can thank her for things and have interactions but not spend time alone together.
A couple reasons I haven't unfriended her include having evidence of the affair if the divorce does proceed and just not ready for the rest of the world to see her in a relationship with someone else if she changes her status because of that. I'm just not sure I can handle that right now.
Hi Rip,
It seems like your reasons to NOT un-friend are actually good reasons TO un-friend. Evidence can be gathered during discovery if you choose to D in an adversarial manner: It won't do you much (any) good to see it as it happens. Also, how can you prevent her from changing her relationship status? The rest of the world will have their thoughts. You should be letting go of yours.
Alternatively, you can put her into a different group, such as "Acquaintances" or "Restricted", which will sandbox her from your normal view. That would require willpower to not look, but would keep the avenue open.
Is it better to unfriend or just not go on Facebook all together? I guess if I dot go on Facebook I avoid everything and if I do unfriend her, I'm backing up my boundary of not being her friend while she commits the affair, right?
My suggestion - get off FB all together. It's pointless and is IMHO kids stuff.
If you are not going on FB because she is your friend on there, then you are letting her control your actions, no?
Well, I just unfriended her on facebook. Exactly what I told her yesterday. Can't be even her facebook friend as she continues to disrespect me, while having the affair. So, I will use facebook to add new friends and keep a journal of all the things I'm doing in my GAL. Will be another way to gain additional support, without using it as a tool to know what she's doing or rant about marriage troubles.
Also, the way I saw it, if I'm posting things that I enjoy and keeping up with friends, that helps me and my happiness.
By unfriending her, I don't have to see that stuff, I stay true to my boundaries AND maybe even create a little more mystery since she won't see anything!
I currently look at FB as a tool for my own use, as many of my friends and mutual friends use it. Being the social recluse that I have been, I am using it as a tool to reach out to create meaningful REAL social interactions, such as organizing things to do with S4 and other kids, set up GAL activities with friends, etc.
Since I have very little contact with W (dim/dark, LRT), I see this as an avenue to show my changes, whether she accepts them or not. It is very possible that she has limited me from her end, but it isn't about her. It's about being social.
If she sees something, okay. If she doesn't, that's okay, too.
I will add that I did unfriend W once, during a moment of anger, but refriended after a week or so, and she accepted. Haven't given much thought since.
Hang in there man.
The goal is to be healthy.
When my W and I separated, I blocked her from FB. That was last May. I have not made a single attempt to even look at her FB since then. I dropped FB altogether in December when I filed. I do not miss it.
If you live in a state where affairs matter (like mine) then I am sure her L will tell her to clean up her FB and keep it sterile of anything that can be used against her. Word is that my W did the same thing after my December filing.
Well - we'll see. I realized today that the only reason I wasn't using facebook was because I was afraid of what I'd see under her profile and every time I logged in, I was too tempted to search.
I needed to end that and be able to use it for what I want now. I'm not huge on social media, but it should be good to track my GAL activities and meet new people.
Ugh. Update. Things seemed to being going ok. I was polite and courteous and spent time with the boys playing basketball. She went to the store to get things because I didn't by them for her Sunday. We discussed nothing about me being served or u friending her on fb and I have no plans to bring either up.
Then in passing I mentioned "just so u know, I have plans Wednesday so won't be back after work". Didn't feel I needed to ask permission or elaborate it was a couple days notice.
She got pissed and said "ok. That's fine! I got invited to go do something and I guess I won't be going and stay home with the kids!" When I said i wasn't trying to start a fight and with a couple days notice I thought it would be ok. She retorted "yeah. That's fine. I'm just going to start doing the same thing now too."
I went back to see what time her thing was to see if we could work something out, but she didn't care. She told me to drop it and that she just wouldn't go. Said that she is mad that I "make her feel guilty" and then I'm "gone almost every other day.
Which isn't true. I was gone Wednesday and Friday after the boys went to bed. She went out Saturday. Not sure the problem but she is pissed and seems to want to take it out in me.
I wouldn't be surprised if she leaves shortly to go to her affair partners just out of spite.
I'm trying to stay cool and didn't yell, but hard not to take this personal. Everything I think it's getting better or I can handle it, it gets worse.
What do I do? What a tough day!
I wanted to say something like " I'm sorry you feel that way or I'm not trying to make you feel guilty" or even justify that 2-3 nights a week out isn't that much, but I felt like it wouldn't matter and she would just get more pissed. Sao I just stood there stfu and walked away.
She went into her room and closed the door to go to bed. I haven't seen her that pissed at me in months. I'm sure it hasn't nothing to do with my lrt methods and feelings she has about me and everything to do with her desire to go out more and be with om, but feels guilted into being with the boys - not by me though.
She's not cheating on you because you are making her watch the kids Wednesday night.
(Probably mis-)Quoted from David Deida's "The Way of the Superior Man": Her complaint is content free.
Her spaz about Wednesday night is a reflection of her emotions regarding your relationship. You have to learn to read between to lines to see what she's REALLY saying when she complains.
Trying to logic it out with her is going to make it much much worse.
Would have been a great opportunity to validate her feelings:
"I didn't realize you had plans that evening. You seem to be very angry and upset about this, and I can see why. If I were in your shoes, I'd be disappointed too"
Not sure I follow. Her complaint was content free?
Yep.
Think about it a little.
This validating thing is new and I thought I was supposed to gal and not worry if she has to "babysit the kids". Plus as pissed as she got in two seconds, I almost feel that validating would have been felt by her as me mocking her or manipulating her, all things she's accused me of the last couple months.
I even went back to see if there's something we could work out to where we could both go (something i regret now because it seems weak) but she wanted no part of that. Feels like she seems convinced to make my life worse now and would rather do that.
Feels like you are aiming at the wrong target. Start thinking like a beginner....
First, you are getting closer to the "complaint is content free" concept.
"I even went back to see if there's something we could work out to where we could both go (something i regret now because it seems weak) but she wanted no part of that. Feels like she seems convinced to make my life worse now and would rather do that."
So, now look back at that sentence and think "What if she wasn't really complaining about having to watch the kids"????
Do your thoughts make more or less sense of the situation if you consider this had nothing to do with watching the kids.......?
Secondly, GAL means just that, Get A Life. It doesn't mean stressing about her getting mad over watching the kids (Oh by the way, remember that's not what she's upset about). It means Getting A Life. And if you have a life, you'll be more centered and more capable of validating her feelings, which is an incredibly important step in improving your communication with your spouse.
If you really think you will reconcile, you need to learn how to effectively communicate with her.
Was not making sense to me so I had to read the chapter in the book. Essentially, the premise is that when a woman complains, normally it's not about literally what she's saying (content) but what that means or represents to her.
So when I said "just so you know I have plans wed night and won't be home after work. She never got a chance to even explore leaving herself or talk with me. Just was told this is the way it is and you can deal with it. That has been a complaint of hers in our relationship previously. That it was all about me and what I wanted and she felt guilted into staying with the kids and never doing anything. That has definitely not been the case over the last 6 months when she comes and goes as she'd like, but I'm assuming her reaction was a trigger to that.
So I went back just know and validated her. I said "looking back just now I didn't realize u were considering something we'd night too. I didn't ask or even give you a chance to tell me, I just sprung it I you and it was apparent that upset you. I can understand why you would have been angry about that. It wasn't my intent to just stick you with something and I could have done a better job in delivering that message. I could have told you I had plans and seen if that would be a problem. Going forward I will do that and it's my hope we can be respectful of each other and communicate that way so neither of us feels like we're just being told what is happening."
She said thank u and I said the same.
It felt good, but do u guys think that's a sign of weakness/loss of respect? Trying to balances all of these techniques and know what to use when is hard!
Don't overthink it.
I'm of the opinion better late then never, but it's 1000 times more effective if you can get it right the first time.
Consider including that as one of your marriage goals.
So does "Her complaint is content free" make sense to you? Can you imagine other times where your interactions with her may have made more sense if you considered that?
Would you respond differently knowing "her complaint is content free"?
I said "looking back just now I didn't realize u were considering something we'd night too. I didn't ask or even give you a chance to tell me, I just sprung it I you and it was apparent that upset you. I can understand why you would have been angry about that. "
You might have stopped right here. That would have allowed her to respond and share her feelings with you.
By steamrolling ahead, you turned a conversation into a monologue. I do this too. It's hard to stop. You have to be comfortable NOT controlling the conversation. Awkward silences are ok.
It wasn't my intent to just stick you with something and I could have done a better job in delivering that message. I could have told you I had plans and seen if that would be a problem.
You repeated yourself several times here. The "I could have done a better job" bit is golden though. Everything else is fluff.
forward I will do that and it's my hope we can be respectful of each other and communicate that way so neither of us feels like we're just being told what is happening."
Stop talking and start showing her.
Yeah. It does make sense. Really trying to go underneath the surface of what she's saying to understand how that would make her feel. I get tunnel vision on trying to justify time away or watching the kids, she really her complaint of never even being asked if it would be an issue or having the opportunity to do something else goes unaddressed.
While she's having an affair and I have a boundary that I can't be her friend, I still need to respect she's the mother of our children and be open communicating about each other's schedule, so we both are able to do things.
I'm learning that me gal doesn't mean that she is stuck with it and now her opinions or things she would want to do are irrelevant and a lower priority than my needs.
Just that I need to gal for me and not take it so personally as she continues to pursue the life she's wanting right now, apart from me.
Winham, thanks for the breakdown. I do monologue and speech, not a conversation is it? That was my first time attempting validating and looks like I going to need all the help I can get.
In any case it was different, a 180, so it should have some impact and if not consistently doing it and letting my actions back it up, will.
Different is good.
It was also a much more functional way of communicating.
Hang in there.
Everything is easier if you can center yourself.
I'm trying to. Today seemed like a tough day with with the support of the forum I was able to get through it and get better.
-I was served divorce papers, but meeting my attorney tomorrow so they can handle it and won't think about it any more
-I went to her fb page and saw comments from om calling her "baby". Decided to unfriend her and connected with a couple new friends on fb now
-Rather than being silent and cold, creating an uncomfortable home, I was able to treat her as a neighbor not a wife or friend and be cordial. Answering questions and then going back to the convo with my kids
-I announced a gal activity and it set my ww off. I was able to learn complaints without content and how to validate not apologize or fix to understand the problem beneath the surface of what she's saying
All and all, with every tough situation, you guys not only helped me survive but gave me tools to empower me and help me be a better me. Thank you so much.mi have no idea where I'd be without all of u!
Update. She cam in to my room before work and apologized for getting so pissed last night. She didn't go into detail why, but said that its one of those things where we're going to have to work together. Thanked her for her apology and told her I agree that we should communicate better.
She then said that she was thinking of going over to her best friends place after work but wasn't sure because she wasn't feeling well.
Told her I was sorry to hear she's not feeling well and not a problem if she wants to go to her friends.
She said thank u.
Not sure what to think. Don't want to feel this is monumental progress, but her coming in an initiating the conversation and apologizing and then communicating how I discussed last night is a big difference from how I felt it would go right after I asked.
Looks like Winhamm was on point. Her complaint had no content. It wasn't about watching the kids or me going out. It was about her having an opportunity to do the same and being asked/discussing with her vs. just telling her. That seems to be diffused . . .
Any other suggestions or ideas on how I could have handled that differently? Anything new moving forward? Just a lot to take in and learn and want to try and grasp as much as I can, so I can take action as it's happening instead of after the fact, more often.
Wow! Went to my attorney and my ww filed a temporary order to kick me out o the house and had signed by a judge. Not sure why and my l needs to talk to hers but my l said if they can't work it out its her word against mine and normally ww wins those! Really scared
She essentially is claiming that I raped her which isn't the case. I pursued sex and she said ok and even initiated on her own but felt she did it because she was obligated to and then hated herself for that.
How do I come back from this? Not even just legally. How does the lrt and other things help? This is coming out of nowhere and obviously I can't talk to her about it and have to pretend everything is ok.
on what grounds was the order to kick you out of the house?
Temporary order. Didn't say. My l is going to find out from her l. But my l said the fact that a judge signed it is concerning. If she told them I raped her or believes that, that could be grounds enough I'm guessing.
Even though the last time we had sex was 5 months ago and she's lived with me since and never filed a police report or tried to leave ever. Seems like a reason just to kick me out after she filed
Actually this is why LRT is so important, if you were not speaking right now that might be a defense for this alleged crime.
I have heard this happen before.
PROTECT YOURSELF!
My attorney said she isn't sure why that was in there, but seems odd it would be due to concerns about her safety, as there is no restraining or protection order in there. You would think there would be if the judge and/or attorney felt that way.
So, help please! Regardless of the legal stuff, cuz my attorney can do that - what do I do in regards to interacting and being around my ww?! I need an action plan.
Actually this is why LRT is so important, if you were not speaking right now that might be a defense for this alleged crime.
I have heard this happen before.
PROTECT YOURSELF!
I am just asking, but why would LRT be a defense? Not speaking I mean? It is still her word against his.
Rip,
I would want to go back to the L and ask her the following questions:
1) When will the order go into effect?
2) What are your options legally?
3) What would you advise me to do while I stay in the same house as W? Not interacting with her?
We cannot advise you as it is a legal matter and I think your L would be the best person to answer your questions.
If I were you, I would not be in the same room as W is in the house. If she tries to bait you, tell her calmly, "I am very deeply saddened and hurt by your recent actions and I have no desire to have adversarial interactions with you. I have zero interest in it. Please leave the room."
I'd wait until you after you've received advice from L and ask her what you should say to W in the event this sort of thing comes up in the house.
I am so so sorry that you're dealing with this.
Already asked
1) order wouldn't go into affect for a little bit. My l will talk with hers tomorrow and just try and remove it altogether. If that doesn't work we have a hearing in 2-3 weeks. Either way, would be 4 weeks or so down the road
2)Options are the ones above, but if it goes to hearing, my word against hers and a toss up
3) L said not to talk with her about this and just have it go between attorneys, however, did say that I can be cordial and interact as normal.
So - with that being the case. How should I interact with her? My attorney said since I was interested in saving the marriage, telling her l that and that I was willing to do counseling could help. I told her no and that she already knows I don't want a divorce and that may push her further away. If ww brings this up, I'll just let her know my l is reviewing it and leave it alone.
So aside from that, what's my game plan, here?
Rip,
Your game plan is to lay LOW. Try not to interact with W too much. Focus on the kids and do stuff with the kids until they go to bed. Then you go to bed.
When W speaks to you, be polite, cordial and to the point.
There isn't much you can do right now until tomorrow when you talk with your L and find out more information.
Just had a realization. Right now, I'm not sure if I'm more scared about being kicked out of the house, child support, alimony, etc OR that those actions seem that divorce is inevidable and what I don't want.
Just need some advice and reassurance. Things seem bleak, but I'm freaking out over actions she took 1 1/2 weeks ago. Looking back she said SAT (when she filed and I didn't knw) about why she hid tax return money "I can't trust you and had to protect myself". Last week, when she told me about the divorce she said she had to file secretly because she "wasn't sure how I would react"
Now that she's seen how I'll react and that I can be civil/respectful, maybe she calms down and will be ok with status quo. I'd have to think last night/this morning couldn't help but help.