I've been lurking on this board for awhile. I never intended on posting; but rather I was 'piggybacking' off of so many of you whose situations are similar to mine- reading your stories and benefiting from the responses. The challenge will be to say this concisely. So if it's not breaking the rules, maybe my first post will be how I got here, and the second will be what I've done. I know it's a lot to expect somebody to read, but honestly I think I'm doing this more to simply 'get it out' even if nobody responds. Well here goes...sigh......
*Married two years. Same age(35). 2nd marriage for both of us, each bringing beautiful kids to the mix. We both exited painful situations and fell madly in love as we represented the friendship, romance, safety, and hope we both craved. Married fast. Love of my life.
Neither of us were whole from our divorces,and our issues reared their heads fast.
Mine: Depression. Money. (My company crashed)
Hers: Extreme anger. Alcohol.
Resolvable issues right? We loved each-other and wanted to make it work. We were both working hard temporally and emotionally being patient with the others' shortcomings- while loving the kids, 'grinding' out the hard parts of life so to speak, and trying to have a simple, enjoyable existence.
The problem was that arguments began turning into 'encounters', each one seemingly more severe. They'd start due to very valid issues, but go through the roof because of her anger- and my very poor reaction to it. Also, alcohol was involved in almost every single bad fight.
It culminated one night when she went off the rails, drunk on anger and alcohol. After hours and several unsuccessful attempts at disengaging her I called the police. I'll spare you the details. She had a breakdown. I did not want her arrested, I wanted to get out with my kids with no illegal contact. I lied to the police. Said she hadn't touched me- just wanted to avoid anything worse. Well, separate from me she was going off on an officer, and he said that based off her OWN account of the night they had to take her. She went to jail.
I had several people from 'her side' contact me wanting to know 'WTF?!' - so I wrote an email as not to have to have a bunch of phone or text conversations. In the email I tried to be honest about what had happened that night, and the pattern of volatility that had developed that they probably weren't aware of. She bailed out after awhile, and we legally couldn't have any contact for three days. Once we could, I received an email from her demanding that I move out, and that she intended on filing for divorce.
Many people wouldn't exactly call that a 'bomb' drop- but rather a 'No-sh*t Sherlock'. But the oddest thing happened. It was a bomb. My heart stopped beating. I died a little bit.
I knew in that moment I wanted to save it- and that's how this journey started....
Welcome to the board
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH. Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).
Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Cadet- It is quite creepy how many times I have used the links from your 'Welcome' message on other people's threads. I don't know who you are- but I can say from what I've seen that you're a very good person. It was never a doubt, but thank you for responding to me.
So I moved almost 3 months ago. After two weeks of very instinctual reactions on my part that were only driving her away I am ashamed to say that I came very close to ending my life. That night I purchased an online book. It really only helped in a few specific ways. However, I feel VERY fortunate to have found MWD's books the very next day at the bookstore. Reading her words were like she knew me and my situation personally. It felt like talking to a friend and her 'plan' is all-encompassing. I devoured both DB and DR w/o sleep that night. I felt tangibly, noticeably, better.
I had an explosion of positive energy, knowing I could 'tango' alone, and get us back onto the path. My very first 180 started in those first conversations that were about 'that night', and I think she must've looked at her phone to be sure she was on with the right person. I didn't remind her of her incredibly ugly behavior, I didn't blame, I didn't fight. I agreed with her extremely incorrect and in-denial recounting of how the night went. If anybody is curious, that's where the McDonald stuff helped - learning to agree with anything. Not from a standpoint of being a doormat, but from a place of security and strength. It saves your nerves and protects your pride and her's.
But everything else was DB'ing all the way- 180's and LRT's. I detached. Every time she saw or talked with me I put on an academy award winning performance- cool, relaxed, brief, light, happy, serene. Need me to get the rest of my stuff out? Sure, as soon as I'm out of this movie. Don't think it's a good idea that we talk this weekend? Fine, I've been wanting a weekend to go hiking. Set on divorce? I obviously prefer we work it out but I understand.
I also set about making some personal 180's. I stopped drinking entirely and started AA even though I drink 1/2 as much as her. I went to a new psychiatrist and physician and started a new depression plan- including supplements, a sleep schedule, and unconditional exercise and activity. I've lost over 25 lbs and have done more backpacking in national parks in 11 weekends than I had in the last 11 years. I started meeting with a different therapist who really helped me identify harmful patterns in my behavior in volatile moments, specifically my reactions when I'm 'hurt'. I've applied for more jobs than I can count and have had several good interviews.
Well after several weeks my efforts paid off. She admitted that she wants a divorce from what we are now, but doesn't want to give up on what we could be. She told me that she is feeling things for me like when we fell in love, and that she misses me. Hallelujah right?!
That brings me to where I am now. Ever since we agreed to take divorce off the table, progress has slowed to almost a halt. She asked how I wanted to proceed and of course I suggested goal setting- quietly using MWD's model of action oriented, non-complaining methodology.
We agreed to meet for a 'session' once a week. 1st session (wk6) She showed up with arms literally folded, telling me she doesn't believe I want it. Got mad after about 20 and stormed off. 2nd session (wk7) Slightly calmer- but had no intention of talking goals, just more about 'that night'. Abruptly ended session after 40 mins. 3rd session (wk8) Finally calm enough to set goals. Felt great! Said we'd start setting 'mini-goals' between sessions, but she then pulled a Houdini. 4th session (wk9), had her court appearance. I had spoken to the prosecutor several times on the phone assuring him I never wanted her to be arrested. Well, they declined to prosecute her with that and she avoided any assault charge and only faced a public intoxication thing that she can make go away with alcohol counseling. Think she was happy or grateful for my efforts? No. She unleashed a tirade of anger on me via text that I hadn't seen since day 1 of our separation. She said she had listened to my 911 call (which I think a poisonous friend of her's procured), and went back to rage and fight with no reciprocation from me. We didn't talk rest of week 10, spoke once in week 11...and here I am writing this.
We had this genuine breakthrough...and the contact and quality has just gone down the toilet since. I'm deflated. I'm defeated. My paranoia suspects maybe she's involved w somebody, even though she has calmly and sincerely said she isn't. My instincts want reassurance that she means what she says about wanting to be at the stage we are- but I know asking for that is pressuring her and pushing her further away. I fear that she really does want divorce but that this is some sort of game to 'smoke me out' until I capitulate and file it myself. I wanted so badly to be in 'piecing'- but we're there in word and not deed. We talk even less then we did when we were set on divorce and it 'hurts' worse than just hearing she wants to be done. I am at the point of giving her an ultimatum but shy away knowing that it took seven weeks to get her to say she doesn't want divorce. Internally, I am close to losing all of the precious 'gains' I fought for.
I know what I should do. I should be looking at everything I've done, looking at what has really worked and what hasn't. Back to LRT and 180's. More patience. Don't give up.
I'm just really tired of everybody telling me I'm a fool for even leaving the door open. That I've gone above and beyond. Like I said I mostly typed this for me. If anybody reads this who is struggling with feeling 'foolish' for hanging on the roller coaster please know you're not alone.
I love you all.
In short (hahaa my posts were anything but short). I see the good. There appears to be no A going on, the S has only been 3 mo's, I've worked on myself, and she is now at least saying that she wants to work on things.
I guess my worry is that the 'strategies' are quite different from 'Newcomer' status vs 'Piecing' status, and I'm not sure how to proceed.
My gut says that if I truly feel that her heart isn't in it- that she's just saying it to appear like not the bad guy, but still acting very much like a WAW in many regards, that I simply go back to LRT and 180. But if her heart is in it and she simply isn't capable of anything more than these piecing 'baby steps', then there really isn't a problem at all (except for my impatience).
Even using our next session to talk about this quagmire seems like I'm asking for reassurances or whining or complaining and I get that she cannot respect that. However, if I'm not sure where we really are I could do a lot of damage with good intentions.
3 months of progress down the drain. She texted and I got drawn in. Told her that even though she has said she wants to work on the M, it feels like she's acting the complete opposite. She said it's because she thinks everything is my fault. The strains in our marriage, 'That' horrible night, and why she can't move forward.
I broke.
Instead of keeping my cool and not giving a reaction like I have for THREE months I broke. I drank. I broke my precious sobriety. I drove to her house buzzed and her dad came to the door. I was aggressive. He was scared. I left.
Her crazy friend who was also there is now texting me that I've shown how psycho I am and that everybody is getting a restraining order on me.
Three months of work down the drain. Sobriety gone. Hope smashed.
Not that it matters but I'm ending my life tonight.
Not that it matters but I'm ending my life tonight.
Whoa, whoa!!! We all care about you here.
If you're thinking about committing suicide, please read Suicide Help or call 1-800-273-TALK in the U.S.! To find a suicide helpline outside the U.S., visit IASP or Suicide.org.
Or keep posting here. We are all here for you!
yea, seriously RealMe. You need to post again and let people here know you are ok.
Three months of work down the drain. Sobriety gone. Hope smashed.
Not that it matters but I'm ending my life tonight.
Time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off
and get back on that wagon.
Yes you can do this!
Not that it matters but I'm ending my life tonight.
RealMe. It does matter, to many. Please get some help and do not do what your thinking about doing. Call your therapist, someone from AA, the suicide hotline mentioned above, someone.
You made a mistake and broke down, it happens to all of us. That is no reason to give up on life. You don't know what the future holds for you, but it will hold only pain for the rest of your family if you do something stupid now. This isn't just about you, you are tied to many individuals and you cant just push off this pain to them.
Be strong and keep going, things will get better, trust me. I thought about suicide also and was close to really wanting it. This was not that long ago and now I'm excited about my future. Don't give up on yourself.
RealMe,
Get a grip...for real. DBing is a tough, long, and HARD slog. We all have had some real down moments then the next day is better and we pick ourselves up.
Trust me: not a single misstep will derail the process. Step back now and let cooler heads prevail. I hope you do seek help with your alcohol. I don't know how the AA system works, but isn't there a buddy or sponsor that you can connect with to get you back on the right track?
Here's the thing, it took a while for the marriage to get into the place it is right now and it will take a long time to right the ship. You don't turn a battleship on a dime, right? Battleships move slow as they make a 180 turn. Likewise with your M through actions, words, and behaviors that are consistent with honor and integrity.
Take the long-view....a series of steps forward will get to a better and stronger marriage.
We're in the foxhole with you...right beside you. We are your friends here. Your real-life friends don't know what they're talking about and just want your pain to go away.
RealMe. Please, please don't despair. And please call someone who you can talk to today. Yes, you slipped up, and yes you ended months of sobriety. But you are on a difficult path - both in terms of your marriage and in terms of alcohol. I truly understand this. But that doesn't mean that your marriage is over. It doesn't mean that your days of sobriety are over. And please don't let it mean that your life is over.
Whilst these might seem like dark days, there is always hope and you can do this. Tomorrow can be the start of months and years of sobriety if you want it to be. You can move forward and ultimately live a happy and fulfilled life - however things turn out for you and your marriage. All of this is ultimately within your gift my friend. There is help and support waiting for you to reach out, so please do that.
Take care RealMe and please post to let us know you are doing okay...
RealMe we are all here for you. I know what you are dealing with in sobriety department. I am a recovering alcoholic. Been sober a long time. I would be glad to listen and help in anyway. Tomorrow is a new day and anything is possible! These people here can help. They are great support!
Dear RealMe
I am sorry to read you are in a dark place right now. Breathe and the darkness will pass over you. I promise you that. Just breathe, that's all you have to do. I know it feels hopeless and you are are ashamed about the drinking but there is a bright spot just around the corner. What is that song - It's always darkest just before the dawn. It's true my friend.
Suicide is never the way out, it just creates more pain. I know you don't want to do that, isn't that right RealMe? You just want to get out of your pain, I know that, I have been in your place, in your shoes, right where you are.
Please call your doctor and tell him/her about you thoughts of self harm. They can help you, and help get you stabalized.
Please do this for me? For all of us here on the DB Board who care very much about you?
Heavy
Real Me,
These seem like dark times, because they are. You are going through a hell like no other. Life is messy. Life is hard. Sometimes, life seems just so damn overwhelming.
But I urge you, to think about your children. Think about your w. Think about your parents, friends, everyone in your life who cares about you.
Taking your life will change them. So deeply. In ways you can't even imagine. I speak from first hand experience. My grandfather committed suicide two years ago. My life hasn't been the same since. Literally, my life and how I approached it/reacted to it? Can be measured mark ably in the day before he ended his life, and the day after. His children? Deeply affected as well. It's not something we will ever get over.
I urge you to call someone and talk to them. Go to the ER and tell them your thoughts. Go to a AA meeting.
Regardless of what's going on -- your LIFE has VALUE. People LOVE YOU, and NEED YOU. You matter.
I love you all for caring about me. I can't say it more sincerely.
I'm okay. I'm not a dramatic person, or an attention seeker- I assure you. I was very weak (and drunk) in the moment. I drove up and down the canyon looking for a good place to drive off. Then my daughter called to sing me 'Heart of Gold' before her bed time.... ..
Thank God for Neil Young and the pure love of six year old girls.
I read parts of DR last night to calm down. The part where MWD says that I'm a good person trying to do a noble thing and that there should be more people like me really helped.
Day one of sobriety starts again today. Day one of the rest of my journey trying to save my marriage starts again today.
Glad to hear this.
Please keep posting.
Then my daughter called to sing me 'Heart of Gold' before her bed time......
Burn that song and the thoughts of your D into your memory. Go to that place if you ever go thinking down that path again. Always remember your children need you, even if you are in a bad place now, they still need you in their lives.
Please still speak to someone about what happened so they can help you more. You never want to be in that position again.
Good job on the sobriety, keep moving forward. If you backslide again with that just learn from it and move on, we all make mistakes.
Also, don't focus on saving your marriage right now, focus more on saving yourself. The best way to save your M is to save yourself.
Great news realme. Your higher power was watching over you. Keep posting. Have you been to a meeting?
*Back on track. I've re-read all of your messages and I can't tell you how appreciative I am. I went to AA yesterday- and got a lot of support from strangers there as well- Day 3 Sober
I apologized to my father in law, and he accepted it very graciously. I also apologized to my wife. We spoke for about 5 minutes and have had no contact since.
Even after my fall off the DB (and sobriety) wagon this weekend she
says she wants to see if we can be healthy together. That's huge-it took over two months to get that instead of 'definite divorce', and my actions this weekend could have sabotaged that. I suppose my only problem is my reaction to
how she wants to do this- still separated, still blaming me for everything, no acknowledgement of her own actions, colder, more distant than ever, with next to no contact.
At worst: She doesn't really want this but is saying she does. Could be many reasons - She IS in an A, didn't like how independently I was moving on in LRT, doesn't want the guilt of walking away so is trying to passively frustrate me to leaving, wants to punish me, etc.
At best: She is sincere, and I just have to accept that she has certain limitations right now.
My gut says to jump right back into LRT with no talk of future and even act like I'm moving on, but I truly don't want to throw away the progress. MWD doesn't go into 'piecing' too much in her books, so I think I'm going to do a lot of thinking, reading on this board, and really consider my next move carefully before I do
anything.
You dont go into piecing just because you make that decision without her being all in.
You're right Cadet. It's very obvious she isn't all in.
I guess I just want it so bad that as soon as she said divorce is off the table I was ready to go full speed ahead on goals and resolution. MWD even cautioned in DR not to get too enthusiastic on progress.
I need to go back to goals. Back to doing what works, less of what doesn't. I need to take care of myself right now.
You're not even close to Piecing. She's just placating you. Stay distant and let her ACTIONS speak for her.
RealMe. Please, please don't despair. And please call someone who you can talk to today. Yes, you slipped up, and yes you ended months of sobriety. But you are on a difficult path - both in terms of your marriage and in terms of alcohol. I truly understand this. But that doesn't mean that your marriage is over. It doesn't mean that your days of sobriety are over. And please don't let it mean that your life is over.
Whilst these might seem like dark days, there is always hope and you can do this. Tomorrow can be the start of months and years of sobriety if you want it to be. You can move forward and ultimately live a happy and fulfilled life - however things turn out for you and your marriage. All of this is ultimately within your gift my friend. There is help and support waiting for you to reach out, so please do that.
Hello RealMe,
I am so overwhlemed with joy to hear from you! I just caught up with your situation tonight.
I think everyone that has posted in your thread has made some very good points and all of them have helped me at one time or another.
I especially loved the way Toots replied, which is why I quoted her above.
You are in a rough place now, but you have people here who really care about you and we DO understand...The pain of divorce is much deeper and more soul wrenching than most people can imagine, unless they have been through it themselves. Divorce can mean the end of your hopes and dreams, the end of your life as you have known it, a loss of control, and feelings of rejection, loneliness, and blame. There is anger, depression, helplessness, bitterness, resentment, feelings of worthlessness, and guilt. The list goes on and on.
But there is
hope. Healing is a day-to-day process and that is what I'm going thru right now. Our D is not final, but things don't look good.
I don't know if you will find any comfort in this bible verse (I'm not super-religious) but I posted it on this forum recently and a few people have commented on how much better it made them feel. It gave them hope.
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’” (Jeremiah 29:11).Please keep posting and hang in there. You can do this!
Bob
But there is hope. Healing is a day-to-day process and that is what I'm going thru right now. Our D is not final, but things don't look good.
Thank you Bob. It is so nice when simple truths like that can quite literally put air back into your lungs. Thanks for helping me when you're in such a hard place of your own.
Well...she texted last night and said she wants a divorce again. I called back she was very angry, very argumentative.
I listened. I validated. I accepted. I calmly kept it brief.
We then repeated the exact same this morning. She started with the texts, I called her back calm and serene- tried to talk to her like a friend would. Ended the call quickly. She called again after work, and I almost cut her off and said;
"Honey there is no fight to be found. I hear what you're saying and I accept it. Of course I'd prefer to work this out but I understand that you just can't and that's truly alright."
She stayed very quiet - and I filled the silence with a question about the girls piano. She replied warmly and we ended up having small talk/happy talk for a good 5 minutes. I ended the call wishing her a good evening.
I feel ....calm. It isn't an act- I haven't spun out at all. I'm almost relieved- for as crazy as that sounds, to have another chance at starting my DB journey over, this time much wiser.
I don't know if my fall of the DB wagon was the last straw or not- something tells me not (believe nothing she says and half of what she does- thanks Cadet). I'm going back to the LRT. I'm going back to goals I never share with her. I'm going back to 180's - but this time I feel so much more.... ..detached.
4 Days Sober (Emotions and Alcohol)
I picked up some records on the way home. I'm going to listen to them as the dusk proceeds.
I love you all.
RealMe,
I am glad that you are out of your own abyss and feeling better. That was one scary moment for everyone.
I do sincerely hope that you'll stick with the AA program and maintain your sobriety. If you feel a wobble, please call your AA buddy anytime.
You handled the convo with W very nicely. Well done.
Slow. Steady. Calm.
"Well...she texted last night and said she wants a divorce again. I called back she was very angry, very argumentative."
This is actually a good sign. And the way you handled it was great.
Keep up the cool and calm demeanor. Every now and then throw in some charm and that will throw her off guard.
Well done Real Me!! I'm so glad you are doing better. Good job on 4 days sober! One day at a time!
So proud of you RealMe!!
I don't know if I could be as strong as you.
I'm actually terrified of seeing my husband, because I don't want to get all emotional.
But there is hope. Healing is a day-to-day process and that is what I'm going thru right now. Our D is not final, but things don't look good.
Thank you Bob. It is so nice when simple truths like that can quite literally put air back into your lungs. Thanks for helping me when you're in such a hard place of your own.
You're welcome, RealMe! I know what you mean. I have had others post "simple truths" and it does seem to put air back into your lungs!
And, our friend MrBond is all over it again: "This is actually a good sign. And the way you handled it was great."
If I disagreed with MrBond, I would say so. RealMe, he's GOOD. The reason it is a good sign that she got argumentative is that it shows she still has some feelings for you. I'm sure you've heard that hate is the opposite of love. When our WAS is apathetic, then there may be no hope for the M.
You did handle the situation well. A small step forward but keep it up!
Your friend,
Bob
I'm just really tired of everybody telling me I'm a fool for even leaving the door open. That I've gone above and beyond. Like I said I mostly typed this for me. If anybody reads this who is struggling with feeling 'foolish' for hanging on the roller coaster please know you're not alone.
I hear ya there. I have a mental list of how much I can say to different friends, family - just to avoid feeling foolish.
Thank you guys. I mean it.
Well I'm back on the DB wagon as I said (Round Two). The first round saw me make a lot of mistakes. I didn't stick to the things that worked, and I would always break down so-to-speak after days or weeks of doing well. I'd always seem to get back on her yo-yo. She'd draw me in with warmth- then slam me with cold distance. All the the while saying she wanted to work on things. As you know a week ago I broke my sobriety and made a scene at her house and she is back to saying she wants to divorce.
Day three of no contact. That part is easier this time. I don't even look for small-talk reasons to contact her. The issue now is more internal. I'm feeling very depressed and I have to keep moving. I had a little break down today as it was the first day that I haven't been extremely busy out of the house- and I've been way to mopey and lethargic. So I'm going to post here, post on some other people's threads, and go for a hike with my headphones on even if it's rainy.
My prayers lately consist much less of 'help me fix this' and much more of 'help me accept this'.
Day six of sobriety. (Alcohol and emotions).
Hi RealMe
Sounds like you are doing pretty well my friend. Those days where we have no plans are the tougher ones, and getting out of the house to do whatever is a good plan I'm sure. sometimes I just take myself off to a nice coffee shop with wifi and my ipad to get out of the house and among company for a bit. Also, if I'm at home and moping, I just make myself do something - clean out a cupboard, do some study and so on. Then I think - well, it might have been a cr@ppy day, but at least it was a useful one.
Good job on the sobriety too - first six days of the rest of your life :-)
Hello RealMe,
It sounds to me like you are doing better. You have so much to deal with, I am proud of the steps you are taking in your R and for yourself. You are also doing a tremendous job encouraging others and/or offering advice. Way to go!
You posted this: "I'd always seem to get back on her yo-yo. She'd draw me in with warmth-then slam me with cold distance."
This is exactly what my W was doing for, I'd say over 4 months. It took me that long to realize that this was a form of manipulation. You identified this pretty quickly...good for you.
You know the saying: One Day at a Time.
We all care about you and understand very much.
Your friend,
Bob
Wonka- I went to AA twice in the last seven days. It's scary how many people there are experiencing R problems on account of the booze. I've given away two copies of DR
Pyrite- That's a really good idea. I printed off the Lighthouse story from Cadet's post and I'm basically going to use it as a thesis to my parents tonight at dinner.
Toots- Hahaa I'm on a first name basis with every employee at the nearest cafe.
Bob- I know you guys care. I feel it. It's so strange but it prompted the title of my thread.
Diana- Watch out, I was shopping for used motorcycles today. You inspired me.
It's funny how back to square one I am. Struggling with NC and missing her. But it feels good to be grounded in the sense that I know that I really am detaching this go 'round. I'm almost constantly giving myself advice throughout the day that I'd give to other people on this board. I'm talking to myself people.
Day 7 Sober. (Emotions and Alcohol)
It's funny how back to square one I am. Struggling with NC and missing her. But it feels good to be grounded in the sense that I know that I really am detaching this go 'round. I'm almost constantly giving myself advice throughout the day that I'd give to other people on this board. I'm talking to myself people.
Day 7 Sober. (Emotions and Alcohol)
Hi RealMe,
Whatever you were saying to yourself must be working! Keep up the good work and thank you for posting on so many of our threads. I'm very happy to hear that you attended 2 AA meetings this week.
Tomorrow is going to make day eight of being sober (emotional and alcohol).
Keep it going!!
Bob
I'm almost constantly giving myself advice throughout the day that I'd give to other people on this board. I'm talking to myself people.
Day 7 Sober. (Emotions and Alcohol)
You do whatever you need to do to make yourself healthy and keep moving forward. I talk to myself and God all the time and it helps, whatever is working for you keep doing it.
Good job on 7 days sober, keep it up.
I can't believe I'm asking this- maybe it's because I got little to no sleep, but I suppose it's better to post here than to do something spur of the moment out of emotion...
I should maintain no contact until she reaches out to me right?
RealMe,
I am glad to read that you've made a conscious choice to stay sober and reaching out to the AA group. Well done.
Yep, stay dark and don't reach out to W. She's the one who's having an A. Focus on YOU. Find a new hobby and get out of the house more often.
It's been a week of true NC which is definitely a 180 for me.
She texted this morning asking if she can take my D out next week.
Not sure if I'm going to respond.
Day 9 Sober (Alcohol and Emotions)
RealMe,
How about a nice, upbeat response like this:
Sure, that would be great as I want D to spend time with you. I am sure you two will have a lot of fun together!
That's a good idea Wonka.
My gut reaction was different. As I said we had kids from previous M's. My D was having a very hard time with the separation. I told the W about a month ago she could use some one on one time. At the time she probably took it as a guilt trip or manipulation on my part, but it truly wasn't.
Now my D is doing better, and my worry is that a meeting w my STBXS might 'stir up' negative things in her fragile little heart.
But I know having that convo with my S is a BAD idea, as is ignoring her or giving her a curt 'No', or, 'Maybe that would've helped a month and a half ago.'
I have to use this opportunity to be a lighthouse of positivity.
So you're right Wonka- I either cheerfully agree or find a very sincere and friendly way to say I don't think it's a good idea anymore without engaging in any heavy talk.
Such is my challenge today.
RealMe,
Thanks for the back story and it certainly changes how I would send the text response.
Sure, D would love to spend time with you. I am sure you two will have a lot of fun together!
Thanks Wonka, that's exactly what I sent.
H- "Can I take D on a date next Thursday?"
M- "Of course- D would love to spend time w you. I'm sure it will be good for both of you :)"
H- "Great! Thanks! I'll plan on it then :)"
I was thinking of responding about working out the logistics w some light humor or charm but I didn't want to seem like I'm trying to extend the conversation- one of my 180's is to not be the one who texts last, as she got really good at not responding and always leaving me 'hanging'. Plus I'm sure we'll talk before next Thu about it.
So I guess.... I met a goal today- waited until she contacted me, responded w brief warmth and distance.
Baby steps right?
RealMe,
So did Neil Young's "Heart of Gold" really save your life?
I will add it to the DB songbook.
RAI
P.S. I skimmed your thread. Keep up the good work. You are making strides.
Thanks Wonka, that's exactly what I sent.
H- "Can I take D on a date next Thursday?"
M- "Of course- D would love to spend time w you. I'm sure it will be good for both of you :)"
H- "Great! Thanks! I'll plan on it then :)"
Was that so hard???! I think not.
I was thinking of responding about working out the logistics w some light humor or charm but I didn't want to seem like I'm trying to extend the conversation- one of my 180's is to not be the one who texts last, as she got really good at not responding and always leaving me 'hanging'. Plus I'm sure we'll talk before next Thu about it.
PING...PING!! You got that right. Many LBS just want to grab an inch for a mile by trying to prolong convos, texts, emails, Snapchat, smoke signals...what not. A deadly mistake. Leave it on a positive note and STFU.
So I guess.... I met a goal today- waited until she contacted me, responded w brief warmth and distance.
Baby steps right?
Starting with stopping thinking like a hothead...and becoming more supportive when it comes to the kiddos.
Hi RealMe,
I don't have any advice to add now but wanted to comment on the tremendous progress you are making.
Keep a stiff upper lip.
I'm really proud of you.
Bob
Was that so hard???! I think not.
Wonka- When you're right you're right. One single pleasant response. It really saved my nerves.
Bob- Thank you brother.
So did Neil Young's "Heart of Gold" really save your life?
Hearing my D6 sing it that night did. Talking to complete strangers on an internet board did too funny enough.
Life gives us strange reasons to keep on going at times. For me it was going to church and asking for a sign God was there for me, any sign. This was within the first few weeks of BD. It turned out the pastor used geocaching in his sermon that day(not many people know what this is), and that was my sign.
You're very welcome brother.
I have to agree with you - when Wonka is right he is right.
Your comment below made me smile because I'm so thrilled we were able to help:
"Talking to complete strangers on an internet board did too funny enough."
Keep doing what you've been doing RealMe.
Bob
Couldn't sleep so I went running. Before I knew it I hit seven miles. The sun came up and I thanked God for helping me get to 10 days sober.
She 'tagged' me in an Instagram post late last night. It's not something she posted but rather a funny picture that she tagged me in so I'd see it- anybody here on Instagram will know what I'm talking about.
It's not talking per se...but it is contact. I think I'm going to mirror her just a little w/o overdoing it- a quick comment or something.
Hey Real, just read through your posts.
Let me start by saying you've done a few things very well for DB:
-Stopping pursuit
-Working on yourself, abstaining from alcohol
-Avoiding driving your car off a cliff
Some good cornerstones to build off of
Seriously, I am SO glad you're still with us. I just joke about everything painful. Around here I rarely struggle for material.
The place I'm about to describe isn't reached overnight- it's a process not a decision- but I want to give you a glimpse.
If my WAW said she wanted R, I'd kind of be like..."Really? Why do you feel that way now? What about all of those 'incompatible' issues? Why do you think it would be any different?"
Then, maybe if her answers showed that she had grown, viewed things differently, and she was serious...maybe then we could have a two way conversation about what that might take or look like, and we could decide if that made sense to walk that path and see where it led.
Why? It's not that I wouldn't want a healthy M. But her simply tossing out the fact that she wants the M to work...that's not enough to change your behavior over. Think about what they'd say in AA if you said, WHILE YOU WERE DRUNK, "I'm thinking about quitting"... Great. Sober the heck up, show up for a meeting, tell your story, and make it convincing. But until you're sober we have nothing to talk about!
So please quit hanging on her every action waiting for her to be ready to recommit to M. It only hurts your heart and takes your eyes off your growth.
I'm glad your NC. It will allow you to start to stabilize. Take it easy, it's a long road, so relax and keep posting.
So please quit hanging on her every action waiting for her to be ready to recommit to M. It only hurts your heart and takes your eyes off your growth.
I'm glad your NC. It will allow you to start to stabilize. Take it easy, it's a long road, so relax and keep posting.
Hi RealMe,
First, I want to commend you on the tremendous amount of support and love you are showing on this forum. I am so proud of you.
Zues made many good points in his last post, especially what I quoted above. It's given me a bit of a different perspective on my situation.
As Zues suggested, take it easy. And keep it going....10 days...11 days...12 days...I KNOW you can make it.
Your friend.
Bob
Think about what they'd say in AA if you said, WHILE YOU WERE DRUNK, "I'm thinking about quitting"... Great. Sober the heck up, show up for a meeting, tell your story, and make it convincing. But until you're sober we have nothing to talk about!
So please quit hanging on her every action waiting for her to be ready to recommit to M. It only hurts your heart and takes your eyes off your growth.
Thats....really good advice, and I thank you for it.
I'm in that spot....where I don't question what I should do every day. I'm not pursuing, we're not in contact, I'm not snooping or going by the house to see what vehicles are there, and almost every moment I'm not w my kids I'm staying busy w something.
The problem is internal. The dull ache. The suspicion of an A. The despair. The loss. The fear. What my psyche is going through. I know the goal is to get rid of all of those things but I just haven't yet. I need to look at the next 3 feet knowing the putt I'm trying to make is 30 feet.
11 Days Sober (Alcohol and Emotions)
Truly this is the hardest point of your life. But if you continue to make correct choices eventually a magical thing will happen and you will feel differently in the future.
What stinks is that you won't feel differently today. In fact, that's why sobriety and DB is so tough. When you are in this much pain, all you want to do is ANYTHING to change the way you feel. And by being sober and responsible, you will feel TERRIBLE for a LONG TIME.
That stinks.
There is a parallel I want you to consider though...the WAS leaves because a M for similar reasons. They believe that the M could never be better, and the OM/OW is there to make them feel good right now. They think that's there only chance at happiness.
And you know what? In the short term they're right. In fact, if we were to base our decisions on what made us feel the best for the next 12-24 months, going for a rebound relationship would make a LOT of sense. I mean, even if you started piecing the first year or two would be hard, hard work. All the difficulties of the M would have to be dealt with, then SOMEDAY the positive feelings would bloom. Meanwhile with OM/OW it is the opposite. They get the chemical rush, the jitters, the romance, the arousal, all RIGHT NOW. And that will last 6-24 months. Then they will have to deal with the harsh reality, that they never learned to deal with their problems, that their life may be reduced to a series of 3-5 year relationships that end with betrayal and heartache because they weren't willing to do the work.
We want to scream at the WAS that "let's just grit it out, it will get better!"
Well, you're in the same spot. You also have a choice between alcohol, OW, and other medication...or the DB road. No, it isn't easy. Frankly it's just as tough as fixing your M would be. But it's necessary, or like the WAS that is doomed unless they change their outlook at some point and do the work, so you too would be doomed if you don't do the work on yourself.
My mantra has always been to act with the character you wish she had. So if you wish she had the character to deal with the hard reality, you must lead by example or you can't ask her to do the same. For the M to work BOTH parties will have to. But you can't make you doing your work conditional upon her doing hers. No. Lead by example. Maybe someday she'll be inspired and follow suit. Unfortunately there are no guarantees. But I can guarantee that if you don't, she won't, and not only is your M dead, but you have grim prospects as well.
And while DBing won't make you feel good immediately...you can take some solace and comfort in knowing that you took one step towards escaping the pain you've been in for too long.
Wishing you strength, and good job on another day. Praying for you.
RealMe,
Its been nearly a week since you posted, please let us know whats going on. Are you ok?
Still think about you from time to time, hope everything worked out.