Happy Anniversary to Me! ("I Won't Give Up on Us")

Those of you who know my sitch know that I have been here since April of 2004, and just about this time of year in 2007 I took the gut blow that we all call "the Bomb Drop" around here, and discovered my wife of then-22 years and the mother of our four children was having an affair.

I'm posting this in Newcomers to let you guys know that while we can't ever guarantee that this is all going to work, THERE IS HOPE, and that thru this forum's support and concepts, and with God's help and a whole lot of hard work . . . it *is* possible to put your marriage back together.

Ours was a hot mess. Years and years of a sex-starved marriage, followed by distance and resentment and then finally Resentment + Entitlement + Neglect + Opportunity = INFIDELITY.

Ugggh.

Well it took us fully two years (and of course a couple is NEVER done truly working at their marriage!), but today, me and the fetching Mrs. Starsky celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary, and this summer when our entire family can be with us we're going to celebrate with the renewing of our wedding vows.

Since that ugly Spring of 2007, we have reconciled and seen the birth of two granddaughters (and another one on the way), celebrated our 25th and now our 30th wedding anniversaries, and many other family milestones that never would have been possible.

Make no mistake . . . to God be the glory. I am nothing short of humbled and amazed by what He was able to do with the total MESS that my wife and I had created, but He healed our marriage and today it is stronger than ever.

It takes work, guys. THERE ARE NO MAGIC SILVER BULLETS. Piecing, particularly, is a long slog and not always fun, but it is SO worth it.

Anyway, I just wanted to share a success story, and give my Lord His proper glory, and encourage you all. And I hope the mods and admins will indulge me with a link (it's just a song video) -- it's perfect for the occasion. If not, just take that link portion down and I'll just leave the lyrics.

Strength and Honor and . . . HOPE,

Chocolateeyes/Puppy Dog Tails/Starsky

"I Won't Give Up"

"I Won't Give Up"
Jason Mraz

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, I'm still looking up.

Well, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

^^^^^^^^

Awesome post! I needed this today.

Thanks!

I love success stories! Yours is an inspiring story of persistence. Thanks for still being around all these years later. I've two questions, if you don't mind.

1. Does your W know about DB and these forums? If so, when and how did she learn about them? She knows you're still around here?

2. How come you were here in 2004, three years before BD? You saw it coming?

Thanks!

Praise be to God for getting you through such a difficult time!!

Congratulations Starsky!!

Thanks for all the help, guidance and recommendations you provide to so many on these boards (including me)!

Originally Posted By: Mozza

I love success stories! Yours is an inspiring story of persistence. Thanks for still being around all these years later. I've two questions, if you don't mind.

1. Does your W know about DB and these forums? If so, when and how did she learn about them? She knows you're still around here?

2. How come you were here in 2004, three years before BD? You saw it coming?

Thanks!

Hi Mozz. Yes, my wife knows I post regularly on a marriage support forum. She'll see a post from a FB friend and say "and where do you know him from?" and I'll say "That marriage support site where I post." She knows I come on to "pay it forward," as it were.

I originally posted on the Sex-Starved Marriage forum, and remained there even thru our sitch because that's where I had formed all of my friendships and people knew my background. It was thru us neglecting that part of our marriage -- and my poor response to it . . . and then my wife's poor response to MY response -- that led to the conditions that made her ripe for another man's attention. Many, MANY posters tried to warn me (so you could say that THEY saw it coming), but I ignored their warnings, and then paid the price.

Starsky

Congratulations

Congrats Starsky- very happy for you indeed!

Congratulations on your anniversary!

That song was our wedding song, I love it. Everytime I feel like giving up it seems to come on the radio to remind me...

Congrats, Starsky!

And thanks for all of your help on these forums!

Happy anniversary PDT,Starsky,Choc...et all.

Here is my comment and question.
Being you have been on these forums over 11 years,
what changes do you see in yourself during this time?

I can see some changes and may comment later on what I see.
I have read most all of your thousands of posts,
Over the past 6 years and ones elsewhere too.

Do you think that these changes have helped your recovery?

Does the Mrs ever have any comments about YOUR changes?
What does she see?

Hopefully these questions are OK.

Congratulations to you and the fetching Mrs Starsky. Anniversaries like this are so special, particularly when a couple has faced and come through adversity together.

It's great that you stay involved with the forum, and so much appreciated.

I hope you both have a lovely day. And thanks for the song link - made me cry whilst cooking dinner....

Congratulations Mr and Mrs starsky

Joy Today

V

Congratulations Sir! (and good song!)

Congrats! Your story and advice have been pivotal in helping me!

Happy, Happy, (So Very) Happy Anniversary to you and the lovely Mrs. Starsky!!!! I'm so happy for you and your family.

Enjoy your special day!

Congratulations, and may the Lord bless and keep you guys for another 30 years!

Congrats!!!

Strength and honor.

Originally Posted By: Cadet

Happy anniversary PDT,Starsky,Choc...et all.

Here is my comment and question.
Being you have been on these forums over 11 years,
what changes do you see in yourself during this time?

I can see some changes and may comment later on what I see.
I have read most all of your thousands of posts,
Over the past 6 years and ones elsewhere too.

Do you think that these changes have helped your recovery?

Does the Mrs ever have any comments about YOUR changes?
What does she see?

Hopefully these questions are OK.

Of course they are okay; I'm always happy to answer and I like the opportunity to introspect (can that be a verb??)

I think how I've changed on the forum is very different -- and in some says, almost opposite -- from how I've changed in my marriage.

On the forum, I give shorter answers these days, cut right to the chaste, and could probably do a better job showing my "softer" side and giving more context, more of my backstory, more of the "why's" and not just the "how's" and "what's," and in giving more examples (good and bad) from my own sitch.

In my marriage, it's been exactly the opposite. I am MUCH more accepting of my wife these days, and I'm much better at looking at all of her (very large number of) GOOD attributes and not just getting resentful over the few things she does not do well. I'm more forgiving. I work daily at speaking her love language, instead of focusing on whether or not she's speaking mine. I think she would tell you (because she has told me) that I'm more encouraging of her, and her interests and concerns.

I think there was a time early on here where I was coming across as too "holier-than-thou," and that's because I truly WAS acting that way in my marriage. Once I began to adopt a philosophy of "you know what? Just because I may be better/stronger IN THIS ONE AREA (that my wife is lousy at), WHY IS THAT SOMEHOW SUPERIOR TO ALL OF THESE *OTHER* AREAS, where my faults are so much worse? It's basically the biblical concepts of "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God," and the simultaneous teaching that no sin is any qualitatively worse than any other.

I learned to meet my wife where she was, and WHO she was, instead of some projected image of who I wanted her to be.

It became much easier to forgive my wife for her affair when I began to openly acknowledge my own contributions to our marital dysfunction, and to openly discuss those with her.

The only other thing I can think of is that I have never, EVER "lorded it (her affair) over her" in this entire 8 years since. She's never actually told me that that was something she was worried about, but I think she must have been.

Is that the kind of stuff you were looking for, Cadet?

Starsky

. . . and thank you ALL for the very special comments. They mean a lot to me.

Starsky

Originally Posted By: Starsky309

Is that the kind of stuff you were looking for, Cadet?

Yes - thank you!

And my observation - FWIW is that you seem a little softer now, more emotional - less hard line.
All perfectly natural as men as we get older and have less testosterone and more estrogen.

So maybe it is me that has changed in the way that views you.
But I appreciate your candor and self introspection.

I am sure with all the well wishes that the users also respect and appreciate your guidance.

So again Happy anniversary to you and the fetching Mrs.

Originally Posted By: Cadet

Originally Posted By: Starsky309

Is that the kind of stuff you were looking for, Cadet?

Yes - thank you!

And my observation - FWIW is that you seem a little softer now, more emotional - less hard line.
All perfectly natural as men as we get older and have less testosterone and more estrogen.

I do think you're probably right. And I appreciate the anniversary thoughts!

I'm off to take the fetching Mrs. Starsky someplace realllllly nice (Ruth's Chris, our favorite). As always, she will be the most beautiful woman in the room, and I will be happy to be with her and to have wine and ribeye.

Starsky

Great story.

You guys never did give up.

I am so proud and happy for you and your W's accomplishments together. You allowed God to take a nightmare and use you to help thousands. You are blessed, we are blessed, and God is honored. I pray for His richest blessings to continue to shower you and Ms. Starsky for many years to come.

Have a lovely evening, you two. And a very sincere thank you from me, your brother of a different mother.

Congratulations to you Starsky and your wife... I am so happy for you!

Praise be to God is right! I pray daily for guidance, to help me forgive and become a better man and for everybody here on this forum.

Starsky, you have given me and others such great advice and so much hope.

I can't find the words to express how appreciative I am of you and happy for you I am.

Regards,

Bob

Aw, happy anniversary, Starsky! I always love reading your posts. Hope you two have a wonderful time :-)

Thanks for this Starsky. It gives us all a bit of a boost.

So happy for you and the W. Wishing u both another happy 30

Im so glad for you guys!

Thank you all!

Starsky,

Something occurred to me yesterday evening: April 13 is a super-interesting date in my life. It was my dad's birthday. It is my long-time boss's birthday (he was like a second dad; I worked for him from the time I was 19 until I became a SAHM when I was 28). It's my H's birthday. It's my nephew's birthday. And now I'm finding out it's your anniversary.

One thing's for sure: I will never forget your anniversary now, old friend.

(Interestingly, I had a friend whose husband was a statistics guru. We were once waiting on local election results to come in, and - because he was bored - he tried to figure out the "statistical probability" of me knowing so many people who share April 13 as a special day. I forget his guesstimate, but it was out-of-this-world improbable.)

Anyway, I hope y'all had a FANTASTIC night. (Hubba hubba

)

Train, no one says "hubba hubba" anymore, dear.

Thanks for the wishes!!! It was indeed a great day.

I wrote the following note in my anniversary card to the fetching Mrs. Starsky, and we exchanged our cards at the restaurant last nite:

(Wife's first name),

I�ll type this and spare you my lousy handwriting, LOL, and because it�s easier to share my heart with you when I can write it faster.

There is so much going through my mind and through my heart this anniversary � it seems somehow qualitatively different from the others. Not just quantitatively different, because, you know it�s our 30th and all, but different in quality. I think more than anything I feel GRATITUDE today � gratitude to God for giving you to me to begin with and for helping us save our marriage, and then gratitude to you for all of the things you�ve done for me � and to help me � over these 30 years.

I have a hard time sometimes focusing on what I have instead of on what I don�t have, and I�ve made a conscious effort the last couple of years to really work on GRATITUDE in my life. And there is nothing (along with my children and my grandchildren) that I have more grateful for than YOU. :o)

I am so very thankful also that not only did we put Humpty Dumpty together again these past eight years, but now all of that work is bearing fruit in the lives of our friends and our family who see our faith and our effort and our character, and how marriage is not something that you just chuck away when it gets tough.

Even REALLY tough.

Through all of the frequent doubts I have in my life about things I do *not* do well, this is something that makes me really pleased when I think about it, and it�s a gift that we have given to our children (and that I pray they will teach to their children).

I can�t even imagine now if I had lost you. Through our crap, and through various (thankfully minor!) momentary health scares (and maybe just because we�re getting older, or maybe because we lost your dad this year?) I do think about that now sometimes. And it feels so EMPTY to think of not being married to you. :o(

So tonite I thank you for all of the BIG things you do (like mentor our daughters, and forgive your husband, and honor your mother and your father) and for all of the �little� things we share, too, that are so very special to me (think �hot-buttered popcorn and The Blacklist,� or �day dates,� or �date nights� or our silly moments with our beloved pets). And I celebrate with a grateful heart all we have been given to share these past 30 years as husband and wife, and I truly thank my God upon every remembrance of you!

All my love forever and always,

(Starsky)

Starsky

Congrats on 30 years! Your heartfelt words to Mrs. Starsky are very sweet. You give everyone on this board hope for a bright future if/when they reconcile with their spouse. Thanks for all the wisdom you pass onto others daily.

Awwwwww. Sniff. Sniff. Beautiful.

Signed,
Train, the one person left on Earth who says "hubba hubba" (now while laughing my face off)

LOL. My good friend B (male) calls the fetching Mrs. Starsky a "dish." I always tell him, "B, no one says 'dish' anymore!"

He replied, "Well I do."

Congrats and thanks for always keeping it personal when you give advice. I appreciate every minute you spend on my threads.

Thanks for being......

Congratulations on your anniversary Starksy.

Reading your letter to your wife on page 1 just made me cry.

I hope one day I am writing a similarly moving and heartfelt note to my wife.

Congratulations again

so sweet - it made me tear up - really!

Just to clarify, the words on p. 1 of this thread are the lyrics to a song -- I didn't write those.

The note I put in her card last night, I did write.

Starsky

Starsky,

It made me tear up to. I have to say, I was praying that I have the same view in the future, but understand that regardless the plan is already in motion. I just need to keep my eyes looking up at Him. I probably don't have to say it, you gave the glory to God, but He's seeing that glory flowing out through all of the lives you've helped on these boards.

Thanks for all of your help and congrats to you and Mrs. Starsky. Our lives are more often defined by how we react to adversity and you two are examples of overcoming it.

Starsky,

I echo MCS's sentiments exactly.

Bob

Congratulations Starsky! I, for one, always appreciate your insight and knowledge displayed in each thread. So many of us are lost, confused and hurt. If not for people like you paying it forward, many of us would be doomed to helplessness. Love your inspirational story.

congratulations and happy anniversary... God is good. and I will never give up on my marriage. your story is such a inspiration... i hope mine will end with a happy ending just like yours...

My Dear Starsky,

Here's a glass of amaretto to you and the fetching Mrs. Starsky. I do recall reading your threads as Choc as a lurker and was very impressed with your honesty, articulate thoughts, and process. Then we connected when you morphed as Puppy and the rest is history.

You're a good and fine man!

Congratulations Starsky ! You are one of the finest men I have had the honor of knowing. I am so happy for you and the Mrs. Thank you for all of your support and love and faith in us and in the power of love and God. You have helped me through thick and thin and you will forever be in my heart and I will always be grateful for the strength, truth and courage you helped me find within myself.

Originally Posted By: Starsky309

Those of you who know my sitch know that I have been here since April of 2004, and just about this time of year in 2007 I took the gut blow that we all call "the Bomb Drop" around here, and discovered my wife of then-22 years and the mother of our four children was having an affair.

I'm posting this in Newcomers to let you guys know that while we can't ever guarantee that this is all going to work, THERE IS HOPE, and that thru this forum's support and concepts, and with God's help and a whole lot of hard work . . . it *is* possible to put your marriage back together.

Ours was a hot mess. Years and years of a sex-starved marriage, followed by distance and resentment and then finally Resentment + Entitlement + Neglect + Opportunity = INFIDELITY.

Ugggh.

Well it took us fully two years (and of course a couple is NEVER done truly working at their marriage!), but today, me and the fetching Mrs. Starsky celebrate our 30th wedding anniversary, and this summer when our entire family can be with us we're going to celebrate with the renewing of our wedding vows.

Since that ugly Spring of 2007, we have reconciled and seen the birth of two granddaughters (and another one on the way), celebrated our 25th and now our 30th wedding anniversaries, and many other family milestones that never would have been possible.

Make no mistake . . . to God be the glory. I am nothing short of humbled and amazed by what He was able to do with the total MESS that my wife and I had created, but He healed our marriage and today it is stronger than ever.

It takes work, guys. THERE ARE NO MAGIC SILVER BULLETS. Piecing, particularly, is a long slog and not always fun, but it is SO worth it.

Anyway, I just wanted to share a success story, and give my Lord His proper glory, and encourage you all. And I hope the mods and admins will indulge me with a link (it's just a song video) -- it's perfect for the occasion. If not, just take that link portion down and I'll just leave the lyrics.

Strength and Honor and . . . HOPE,

Chocolateeyes/Puppy Dog Tails/Starsky

"I Won't Give Up"

"I Won't Give Up"
Jason Mraz

When I look into your eyes
It's like watching the night sky
Or a beautiful sunrise
Well, there's so much they hold
And just like them old stars
I see that you've come so far
To be right where you are
How old is your soul?

Well, I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

And when you're needing your space
To do some navigating
I'll be here patiently waiting
To see what you find

'Cause even the stars they burn
Some even fall to the earth
We've got a lot to learn
God knows we're worth it
No, I won't give up

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily
I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make
Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to use
The tools and gifts we got, yeah, we got a lot at stake
And in the end, you're still my friend at least we did intend
For us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn
We had to learn how to bend without the world caving in
I had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not, and who I am

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up, I'm still looking up.

Well, I won't give up on us (no I'm not giving up)
God knows I'm tough enough (I am tough, I am loved)
We've got a lot to learn (we're alive, we are loved)
God knows we're worth it (and we're worth it)

I won't give up on us
Even if the skies get rough
I'm giving you all my love
I'm still looking up

Thank you for this inspiration. I needed this today. I didn't stick to DB over week-end with a very difficult situation and I'm feeling despondent that because it is our second separation and we've had so many years of strife full reconciliation would be near impossible. Your words are encouraging. I need to stay the course. I always told my H that the 'anchor holds' I need to remember that too.

Just saw your thread! Love it.
Congrats and thanks a lot for being such a consistent, stable and helpful supporter here!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY - STARSKY!

Hope it is a good one!

My advice as you get older is to keep exercising, and if I take this advice myself it would also be a good idea!

It's your birthday? Happy Birthday, Starsky!

You've been a godsend on this forum. Thanks for all your advice, encouragement, and occasional flogging :-)

Hey Starsky happy anniversary (belated). You are indeed an inspiration and I too want to thank you for all the time you put into helping all of us here. Best to you and yours.

Thanks, guys -- yep, today's the big double-nickel! Time to update my signature line!!!

Starsky

Starsky,

Bend over...time for paddle time!!

Happy Birthday, m'darlin Starsky. Shhhh...don't tell Mrs. Starsky.

Ohh-la-laaa!!!!! Thank you ma'am, may I have another?

Now if you put your real birthdate into your profile MWD will serve you CAKE!!!!

Happy Birthday Starsky!

Originally Posted By: Cadet

Now if you put your real birthdate into your profile MWD will serve you CAKE!!!!

I already got a spanking from Wonka. It's like those astronauts find -- once they walk on the moon, it's all kinda disappointing and anti-climactic from there. LOL

Wonka's spanking was kinda disappointing and anti-climatic?? Well, hopefully you have some other nice plans today..

You are indeed a gem on this forum and we are lucky to have you around.

Happy birthday!

xx

Happy Birthday Starsky!

I have ready many of your posts .. even dug up your old ones about your sitch back in the day. You have given me tremendous advice indirectly as you post to others I perked up and realized ... 'yeah I need to do this/that" For this I thank you ... enjoy the double nickels and all that comes with it

Best wishes to you and yours.

C

Happy Birthday to you

V

Originally Posted By: Toots

Wonka's spanking was kinda disappointing and anti-climatic??

Go back and re-read Starsky's comment. Dense today, eh?

xx