http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2548827&page=11 This is the old thread ^
First thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2543805#Post2543805Quick recap, h suddenly wants a divorce. No signs of any trouble in our R previously. Only a week before dropping this on me was telling me how much he loves me and doesn't want to loose me. Still finds me attractive. Still wants to live together after D as he cares for me still.
Found out about his EA in jan/feb
Cherry, I was just reading your post, and believe it or not, it helps to see that you are going through my sitch too. My H still says he loves me but can't imagine staying with me. My bad time is at night before going to sleep, but I just remind myself that I can get through this and I have help on here. It's great that you've been making such strides. Keep it up!
thread got to 100 so started a fresh.
@toots thank you. My PMA is helping me- I think I have better days now. Keeping myself v busy GALing. Lots of plans! I'm definitely trying to find my attractiveness for me. I have never really seen it myself, but always been told by others. What I'm working on now is accepting compliments and taking them onboard rather than say "no I'm not" when someone pays me one (this has also been a complaint of H's).
Funny you should mention that, my therapist yesterday confirmed my beliefs that he is feeling lack of attention/jealous since baby came. She recommended a book called "baby shock" so I'm going to have a read into this.
@sandi2, thanks again for the advise. I Love that you are here to give us insight from the other side- really helps, thanks. Yesterday I needed something urgently picking up that I couldn't get and was by his work, so was sort or urgent. But I get you- I must admit I slipped up and messaged today and asked if he was finishing late. After I sent it I thought why have I done that. Rather than beat myself up (which I sort of am) I need to just put it down to mistake and not do it again.
And that is exactly what I should be thinking- I'll be saying that over in my head when Im in a room with him! I think although I'm feeling more positive, I do think my emotions are getting the better of me in some respects. I need to try push him out of my head a bit more.
Just to journal, we've been out GALing today. Sorting babies passport. Was a nice sunny day so had a nice walk. H wasn't home by the time it came to our usual eating time. So ate, and put baby to bed. The evenings do become a bit of a lonely existence. When baby goes to sleep- it's real quiet and quite lonely. I try find things to do. FaceTime my younger sister who's away at college.. Or catch up with a bit of tv shows.
I'm contemplating learning a language, I'm already part fluent in Spanish- and one of my relatives down the line was Spanish so it's in the blood. I might find a way to teach myself
Eirinn thank you. It is real difficult. I am really trying with all I've got to detach from him. I'm just reading through your sitch and getting into scratch. It's so confusing when they are lost in themselves and say contradicting things. My H seems to be pretty good at it!
A q for all, we were supposed to be holidaying in a couple months. Do I still ask h if he wants to come along and get a separate room if he wants.. Or do me and baby just go? I just keep thinking if it's correct that he is jelous of the attention baby gets from me rather than him- wouldn't that make him worse?!
Or do me and baby just go?
I suggest you just go.
I agree with Cadet. You should just go. I passionately love my H and he's my best friend in the world (before this all started) but when I went away with my S over President's Day it was the most relaxed that I have been since this all started. Go and enjoy you and your baby. I had so much fun on mine, that I'm heading out again at the end of April.
I'm for sure going to go one way or another, God willing. I thought if I go, it would be nice for me and baby. And I was a keen traveller pre baby so this is my ultimate hobby. I was thinking a nice city break near the beach, nice Spanish Island. I just started to doubt myself now I have pretty much established that he is feeling pushed out by lack of attention. By not inviting him I felt I was starving him of more attention.
I get so confused at times- I know DBing works and it is supposed to seem like it would be so counterintuitive- but in a situation where he's gone wayward due to lack of my attention. Is me detaching and GALing not going to make him feel even more pushed out?
He came home late. Came to see baby, asked him how his day went.. He didn't say too much, we did have a bit of general chit chat. There's a point when he sounded like himself- like he was almost laughing and there was happiness in his voice. Then he switches and goes sort of moody. Then mutters he's going to go get something to eat. I made sure I kept myself upbeat, cheery- like I'm in a great mood.
I don't know if this long weekend is a good thing or not. H is off fri, sat, sun, mon. He said he wants to spend a day with me and baby. But he's going out fri and returning Saturday, with "the guys" trying not to think is he really with OW. Telling myself that knowing is not going to make me feel better. Going to plan some things to do with baby. I seem to find weekends wondering what he's up to.. I try not to- and busy myself but these thoughts have a habit of creeping in.
I am so proud to hear your story, and your perseverance. Your commitment to saving your marriage is amazing. I hope you go on your holiday, enjoy your baby, and be strong when you get back.
M 41/H42
T 11
M 2 1/2
11/21/14-Argument - H did no get over. Stopped wearing his wedding ring.
1/23/14-asked for divorce.
Cherry, do you have some GAL time lined up for the weekend? Maybe with some other new moms? That might help for the weekend. If he wants to spend time with you and the baby, I say enjoy it and don't overthink. Just be in the moment. Of course I say this knowing I struggle with the detachment at times too.
Cherry, do you have some GAL time lined up for the weekend? Maybe with some other new moms? That might help for the weekend. If he wants to spend time with you and the baby, I say enjoy it and don't overthink. Just be in the moment. Of course I say this knowing I struggle with the detachment at times too.
@palau thank you, I do sometimes wonder wether I'm doing the right thing or not. I guess my gut will tell me when enough is enough.
Eirinn, I have a couple things- but he's off four days so not enough for that. Plus I'm getting over a bug so my energy is pretty lame. Being in the moment is fab advise- that's exactly what I try to be. Take it as it happens!
So h comes and asks me if me and baby want to go out today with him. We go out, I act confident, chilled and more like the old me. We have a laugh together, I pay compliments where I see necessary, I'm flirty and sassy. He does relax and mirrors my mood- we have a laugh together, flirty and being a little suggestive with each other. He once again brings up counselling and asking me to please arrange it. He brings up the R talk AGAIN. I can't dodge it, so I make sure to listen and validate. He asks me why I feel I need time before he files- like what am I hoping will happen. I say that I just don't see why we should Rush this, and I just need time to get my head around what he wants.
He tells me things like how he has been working hard to switch his mind from thinking of my sexually. And no longer has those thoughts- but says it's been difficult and has masturbated thinking about me..
I did spew a little there and say if we have these thoughts about each other is this not a reason to work on stuff. Again I calmly told him where I feel I failed him, eg took for granted, should of had time together. He said that is in my head, and that I have done nothing wrong- this is just the way he is feeling.
He says how we are always going to be a part of one another's lives.
He said he appreciated I was honest with him, and hoped that I wouldn't get upset. To be honest I did feel like getting upset. I smiled and told him I was completely fine- smiled, made it look convincing- he did looked shocked a little. This was definitely a 180 for me. I thought I would come on here and vent.
I know I did mess up and spewed a bit. I get worried maybe he isn't wayward- and maybe not in a fog, but these are just genuine feelings. But then at the same time he contradicts himself. Why would you want sex with someone and find them attractive and not want to be with them. He has well and truly put me in the friend box.
He will be out all night, he told me his weekend plans, I thanked him for letting me know. I know I need to do some serious DB ing. I feel like I've messed stuff up. The situation just seems so difficult. Then I guess I should count my blessings we can still talk, and in the same house.
This hurts , really hurts. Sort of looking forward to him going out so I can maybe weep it out a little. Think I might research some more into my trip. Time away to make memories with my baby will do me the world of good I'm sure.
He started to text me while out. Just chatting like friends. I have no idea what's going on anymore. I seem to have lost sight of my plan. When I'm friendly, he seems to be to. Though I feel ill get lumped in a friend box. Though having said that- that is how we started and it quickly progressed to other stuff..
I'm not gonna wallow. Im not gonna think. Im going to do some housework and blast some feel good independent woman tracks.
I AM every woman
That time of night again. Feel like I cant think straight. He's away until possibly Sunday. Doing I don't know what with I don't know who. Hasn't even packed a change of clothes! Ugh
Remember, it doesn't really matter. Its his battle to fight, you have your own. Who hes with, what hes doing, it only serves to drive you crazy if you try to figure it out.
Look at me, my W came home a few hours ago from work, took a shower, got dressed and said shes going out with friends tonight. We chatted for a while, it was all pleasant. She even put on her nice smelling lotions and sprays, and was in a very good mood. Last week she was in a noticeably bad state, so why the change?
Obviously I started to wonder and think, drive myself crazy for a min. Going over the possibilities in my head. Then I just stopped myself, which is what you have to do. It doesn't really matter. I might be able to find out more info if I snoop, but the cost to my sanity is too high to keep doing and any info I gain is all subject to interpretation anyway.
As for not knowing whats going on anymore with our spouses, who the F does here lol. None of us really know whats going on in our spouses heads. We can speculate at times and maybe draw some basic conclusions, but they may be completely wrong.
Think of it this way.
You know the infinite monkey theorem? It's basically saying that a monkey with infinite time smashing on a typewriter would eventually recreate the entire works of Shakespeare. Think of your H in a battle with that monkey in his head, fighting it out for control of the typewriter that controls his thoughts and actions. But, even he doesn't know who's in control of the typewriter at times. Chaos. Sometimes you see signs of what you want to see, then other signs that confuse the hell out of you. Is it the monkey or the H? Why try and figure it out if he doesn't. One day maybe he will wrestle back control of the typewriter from that monkey, until then just sit back and worry about you.
Maybe this isn't the best analogy, but its amusing me right now so ill just post it, lol.
Keep busy Cherry, you got this.
Is there a movie you could rent? Or you can go to my thread and click on the links that Cadet left me. I'm finding them very interesting and comforting at the same time.
Thanks fog, I guess so. It's just like I'm not sure what to do. DR says about doing what works for you. And when in friendly, he is more friendly and chatty. I mean I know I can do that and also detach and GAL and so on. But am I likely to make him think I'm on board with his plan, I've made it clear it isn't what I want. But he still acts like this is the inevitable and that sometime we are filing.. I also feel like I might end up put in that "friend" category.
Eirinn, I've just read what cadet posted for you, quite of the MLC things sound like him. But surely he's too young?!
But am I likely to make him think I'm on board with his plan, I've made it clear it isn't what I want. But he still acts like this is the inevitable and that sometime we are filing.. I also feel like I might end up put in that "friend" category.
I understand what your saying, its the exact thought I've had for a while now and I wish I had a solid answer for it. We just don't know for certain. What does work for one couple may not work for another. DB'ing has shown to be effective, but at times it goes against how we feel. That being said, the fact is if doing what people feel worked 100% of the time, the divorce rates wouldn't be over 50%.
My W is also very chatty and friendly when I seem to be in a good mood and chatty to her. Am I entering her friend zone? Maybe, maybe not. In the past I've wondered if I appeared too happy and was going down that path. When that thought comes up I would be less friendly to her and she wouldn't be nearly as chatty. Its not that I was mean, just less... happy and talkative. She has mentioned we might be friends in the future, to which I replied I wouldn't be her friend if we do D. We both have said to each other we are not each others friends right now, but we still act pretty friendly when were not avoiding each other.
You can state you don't approve of the D, just don't feel the need to do it over and over. The same with being his friend, if that's not what you want, just tell him when he mentions it. You can still be friendly, detach, validate and not be someones friend.
I think you somewhat answered your main question already, if being friendly is working for you, keep doing it, just don't overdue it. Try not to wonder what you think he thinks, it doesn't matter if it appears to him your on board. If you have told him how you felt already once, there's nothing else you can really do. Any more and your go into the pursuing/pressuring territory which we know doesn't work.
Cherry, Google "quarter life crisis"
Yeah you're right. I'm going to make sure I don't text/call unless absolutely necessary. I haven't since he messaged me yesterday. And like you said, he knows where I stand, I've said my point so just leave it at that.
I was looking at my goals, and when answering "what would this look like" one of my things is better communication- which he is talking and telling me about his work and such for the first time in months. And he's smiling and laughing. Maybe this but coupled with lovingly distancing and trying to detach. Like still not being the first to start a conversation. Keep up with my 180s etc.
This is difficult, I'd love to sleep for more than a couple hours a night! Going to get out and keep busy. Meet with one of my girls this afternoon with baby
Wow Cherry, a baby and all, you are doing well to be so sane. My WAS was unhappy in the relationship and so walked, basically because I made it an unhappy relationship. I actually think there were underlying issues prior to the real downturn that probably should've been dealt with, BUT the marriage turned sour in the 1st few months after our 1st baby. She was an obsessive mother, even she recognises that now, but basically I felt neglected.
It just isn't me to pursue an A, but I can understand if that is what your H did. Maybe the offer was in his face. Who knows. Maybe there were other issues and the baby is only part of it. It is a huge change to your life becoming a parent. Again, dont know. I am just saying that the neglect I felt was very real. It sent me into a tailspin when my wife just shrugged it off. I wish she had've been half as devoted as you are. I wish I played things differently as well, but thats another story.
I'd love to sleep for more than a couple hours a night!
Sleep is one of the most important things.
Why are you not sleeping?
Is it the baby or husband?
Something has to change to get more sleep!
When I said to him about how I feel I've neglected him- he just says that's in my mind. But again we shouldnt beleive what they say and do right now. He is definitely in some kind of crisis. His usual interests don't bother him anymore. He wants to be out all the time- it is as if he has been possessed!
The thing is now I feel I've said my piece, I've told him how I feel. So I know I stop it there otherwise I'm persuing. He keeps banging on about counselling too. And he likes to keep me close. Like the things he has said about after a d we can still live together, be friends, raise a child together, he will still help me financially wether I want it or not blah blah blah.
He is cake eating, I'm sure of it. But I don't see why he is trying to resist me sexually and tells me that. He makes no sense.
All I can do is plod on,, hope he doesn't file in the meantime. I know from the start I've come on. But a life without him still just isn't what I want.
"Like the things he has said about after a d we can still live together, be friends, raise a child together"
Not sure what others think Cherry (and please don't act solely on my input) but I wonder whether it is worth setting an early boundary on statements like the above. That sounds to me as though your H is wanting a foot in two camps. A girlfriend outside the home and a semi-family (flat mates co-raising a child) to come home to - no consequences for H at all!
I presume this isn't what you want. And I think it would be fine to clarify - H, D isn't what I want. But if we do D, I wouldn't want us to live together and be friends. I would move on and hopefully meet someone else to share my life.
My H had this vision that we would just sell the house, divide the proceeds and I would melt away - leaving him to start a new family of his own. He's finding that when we put my preferences, boundaries and decisions into the mix, it isn't that straightforward at all...
In this fog, their great ideas must make sense!! It's as though they think we have no feelings. Heartless!! Had a good day with a girlfriend today, and then a meal together. Was nice and I kept busy. I stuck to my not getting in touch with H then he started messaging me on asking about how was baby, then how am I, who am I out with, what am I doing. Then he tells me what he's doing (wether it's true or not) but I hadn't asked him. I asked the bare minimal really. He said he would be home tomorrow so let him know when I'm at home and he will come back too..
Thinking of some GALing activities with baby. Lots of egg hunts going on tomorrow so God willing I'll go to one and enjoy my day
Today took baby out for a walk and to do an egg hunt with family and friends. I was getting by just fine and then BAM it hit me. Crazy crazy anxiety. It doesn't help that I went to a place me and h would go while dating and go for long walks almost every weekend.
I miss him so unbelievably much. I just want him back. I would do almost anything to have him and hold him again. Haven't heard from him today. Haven't seen him since Friday.
I know how you feel. I was at my h parents house for easter. The whole time they were treating me so good. At one point t I wanted to break down. But I resisted the tears. I cried on the way home of course. I miss my h too a d just want him back. Stay strong and continue with the 18th and going dark. I have and it's working to my advantage. Good luck and if you need to talk I'm here for you
Hi Cherry, sorry you've had a rough day. It's inevitable that we all do. Some days are pretty good and we feel we're moving forward. Others difficult. This is where self-soothing helps. Thinking of those things that you can do, which make you feel better. I did quite a lot with my hands in the early days, renovating furniture in the garage. That helped me a lot. But we all have different things.
The important thing I learned was not to do any radical stuff at these fragile moments. They are moments when we really want our H's. Want to reach out and have our H's come back to us. But of course they won't. Or if they do again, they will be 'gone' in a day or so, and so it continues. So best just to do nothing, other than self-soothing things.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better my friend. I often found that a good day followed a bad one. ((Cherry))
Cherry, I understand your pain today. It sounds like the exact same situation I had yesterday. Took kids to an egg hunt and afterwards things just hit me extremely hard out of no where. I think its just because its a family event and subconsciously you know something is missing.
For me it was even near a park/dock that me and W went to when we first started dating 11 years ago. Had the same thoughts as you afterwards also, that I would do anything to get her back, hold her, kiss her, be with her. Its rough :'(
Stay strong, we can do this. Some days will hit us harder than others, we pick ourselves up and keep going. We have to.
Thanks all. Yeah I was real tempted to pour my heart out but before I did- I thought is this gonna work? No. He doesn't want to hear it. I held myself together, and went home and found things to busy myself with. I guess the advantages of having a young baby is I don't get a minute to myself!
Cherry. I dealt with the same kind of feelings yesterday. I had my boys with me out at a big easter egg hunt and..... like you BAM. Instantly feeling horrible, seeing all the families out enjoying each other and laughing and here I was, essentially a single dad, and his 2 boys with no spouse in sight.
But, I took heart in the fact that I was with them and enjoyed being with them. Focusing on them helped pull me out of that funk pretty quick.
Hang in there Cherry, and I agree, pouring your heart out probably wouldn't be a good idea. I personally sent a text today wishing a happy easter to her, but that was it.
Sorry you had a rough day Cherry.
You seem to be staying strong though and that seems really great! I need to remind myself to stop and ask "is this going to help" like you did more often.
Hi Cherry,
If you are able to have such great self control on a day that is a special occasion by asking yourself 'is this going to help?' then I think you're showing that you are on the right path to being the best person you can be. Well done! It may seem small but that is quite a big accomplishment. Keep it up!
Cherry, I'm sorry that today is not a good day. It was rough for me to go to church this morning and have everyone ask where my H was. It is awesome that you came on here and talked rather than talking to your H. Kudos to you!!!
Thanks all. It's so difficult I guess holidays and anniversaries are going to be tough for us all . Just another day I guess. But it was seeing families that got to me too. Makes you really miss your other half.
He is going to regret missing these moments with baby if nothing else. But I don't tell him that. I just hope he realises before too long
Seeing all the families together was incredibly hard. But I can only imagine how much harder it must for you having the baby around.
At my church there's a moment where children bring up offerings of canned foods for collection.
One of the last ones to run up was a girl with my W's hair and my eyes. Seeing her immediately brought me to tears thinking of the child we might never have together.
I presume this isn't what you want. And I think it would be fine to clarify - H, D isn't what I want. But if we do D, I wouldn't want us to live together and be friends. I would move on and hopefully meet someone else to share my life.
Cherry, I agree with Toots on this. I wouldn't bring it up to him out of the blue. However, if/when he mentions it again tell him that you don't want what he's propsing. My H went on that crazy train too. We had one really bizarre night where he was all over the place wanting to break up, but stay great friends who still hung out one and one. I was very clear with him that while I did not want a D, if that happened we would not be hanging out and talking all the time. We'd be friendly as coparents. Not friends that hang out one on one. They WAS needs to understand that they can't have both worlds. They are either committed to the M or in friendly neighbor territory. Be calm and clear when you address it. Strong and confident is very attractive.
I'm sorry you're having a rough weekend. Have a glass of wine and bubble bath after baby goes to bed, or listen to some feel good music. Whatever helps to take your mind off the situation.
He is going to regret missing these moments with baby if nothing else. But I don't tell him that. I just hope he realises before too long
It's definitely his loss. One day hopefully he'll regret it. ((((Cherry))))
It is hard having our baby but then its nice at the same time,, like I wouldn't want it any other way. I just wish we were both together raising baby that's all. We spent the evening watching a movie together. And then we were sat texting each other for hours in bed, talking about our past and having a laugh and then it got very sexual about our past. He has seemed a little happier today. Less confrontational, looking at old photos and stuff.
I'm not gonna overthink. It all means all or nothing these days with him I know.
Thanks all. It's so difficult I guess holidays and anniversaries are going to be tough for us all . Just another day I guess. But it was seeing families that got to me too. Makes you really miss your other half.
He is going to regret missing these moments with baby if nothing else. But I don't tell him that. I just hope he realises before too long
Oh yea he'll regret it. He's clearly not mature enough to realize it now, but I sure do hope he has a light bulb moment and wakes up. For his sake as well as yours.
And thanks heart. I think it's there way of comforting themself. Or sort of keeping a foot in the door. Like if he keeps on good terms for me and all doesn't work with his plans he can come back to me.
So we had a great day. Good communication, some laughs.. And then we had sex.. Doesn't really change anything. Now I feel stupid for doing this again. It's like every time we get a bit closer this happens.. And it's so so passionate. I can see the love in his eyes, or at least what I think is love is there
Hi Cherry, although I'm not sure that sex was the best idea, I do believe that there's love in his eyes. I think our H's are so confused that they are on a pendulum swing. One moment they want what they've had and remember the love, and the next moment they are demonizing us. So I wouldn't feel stupid for loving your H and being with him, whether it's the right thing or not. No one else, even on here, can tell what's right for you. Only you are living through your experience. Does that make sense?
I agree with Eirinn. Don't beat yourself up. If it makes you feel bad about yourself, I'd try and be strong next time things seem to be going there.
Yeah it does make sense. And thank you. I think it was probably after yesterday and missing him so so much , that when one thing led to another I just got swept along in the moment and enjoyed being held by him. I'm sure it wasn't the best idea at all.
I didn't actuallu feel as bad and as lonely as the last time. We talked a bit and he seems like he's starting to question his current lifestyle choices. He said he had seen changes in me that makes him question his thoughts. We talked quite a bit, and even when he was telling me about his EA I made sure I remained calm. He actually pointed out he was shocked how cool and relaxed I was being about everything (my 180s, and my detachment working). I am fairly confused, determined for sure. Making sure that even though I've had a glimmer of hope I don't slip into bad ways. GALing today, trying not to think, trying not to raise hope. Praying. I think it's safe to say yeaterday I think we both genuinely enjoyed spending time together and had a lot of laughs, and a lot of open honest convo. I made sure to validate and listen where necessary too. And if I say so myself, I was and am the girl he would be a fool to let go of.
Cherry, you are in a tough spot, no question. You still have love for a man that very well may still have some feelings for you. You still have needs and desires, something that can't be met on our own...not entiretly anyway. Tough choice, right?
Otherwise I am glad to hear you are still making you the best you, you can be!
He laid there afterwards stroking at my skin. Putting his head on my lap and stuff. The discussions we had seemed positive and it became more of a should we work at this.
Made sure today I didn't message him. He wasn't home by usual meal time- so I went ahead and ate. He came home about 2.5 hours late. I didn't ask where he was. I know we shouldn't expect anything but maybe I'm not fully detached or a but of me was hoping things would be a bit more positive after yesterday. But he is in a right mood, barely says a word- won't even look me in the eye. Whereas yesterday we were acting like a pair of teenagers- we'd catch each other's eyes and be smiling and giggling. I kept myself happy and positive sounding even in the few words said. But I dunno. This whole thing is difficult.
@hwkies it was tough, it's like you just get taken away in the moment and after feeling so lonely and missing him so much the day before, it's like I just wanted to grab at any chance of being in his arms. Still working at me though, been out GALing again. Trying to keep my mind well and truly occupied.
So this feels a touch difficult. I feel like he started to come out of this fog a touch- we laughed, we talked an "us" he referred to us as a sort of partnership and "you're wife" whereas he hasn't the past few months. He even said how one thing making him rethink things is seeing how good of a mother I am and how I'm just getting by and ruining the home still regardless. I do see this as a positive as I have never pointed out anything that I do. I just get on with things.
So despite the slight positive, I'm back to not having expectations. I don't know if he's cake eating or what. But I know that my detaching, 180s, GALing has made him open his eyes a little.
Been planning my trip with baby, nothing booked yet. But really looking forward to that. Weather is getting good so nice to get out in the sunshine with baby. Filling my house and redecorating with things that make me feel happy and positive. Listening to lots of feel good music, and need a spring clean of my wardrobe.
Life goes on I guess, h well and truly knows my feelings. I didn't want to seem persuing so when having an R talk the other day I made out that I obviously really want our M to work and work in this together. But, I also know that I will hurt, but I'll get along fine by myself. I don't know if that was handled well or not. But at least he knows my stance.
Hi Cherry
guessing that's running not ruining in that post
Sounds good and positive to me, watching the expectations - ah the magic ingredient - yes that can be difficult but that and GAL (which I struggle to do as Im naturally introverted) are the keys. Remember that GAL is something for you (and most likely baby too) to make you feel a complete person as well. Dont feel theres an expectation you need to go climb a mountain or write a novel but if thats something you'd enjoy or have always wanted to do but didnt then go for it. Getting to grips with that concept myself.
Sounds to me like you're doing well, some days will seem lower than others, come on here and talk to us when it gets a bit of a downer. Remember you're not the only person going through all this despite the feelings that the rest of the world is ok and its just you, sadly there are many of us out here. We're all sending you the best
(((Cherry)))
Edz
Hi Cherry
Good to see some slightly more positive signs. But, it would be pretty unusual for a sitch to resolve at such an early stage. I would carry on with your current course until/unless your H is 110% 'in.' He's a ways from that now, but it does sound as though your approach is rocking his boat somewhat.
You're doing great Cherry - you've got this....:-)
Haha @edz that is running and not ruining- I think I'm doing a good job keeping all afloat.
it is tricky to watch the expectations when you get a little glimmer of hope but I keep telling myself not too, keeping calm and carrying on like I have. Thanks, that means a lot. I've learnt so much on the site it's unreal- a total sanity saver!
Yeah toots things are looking brighter slightly. We for sure have switched roles of him looking confident and a man about town and me crying and hanging around. To now I'm walking round head held high and confident while he is looking sad and asking me questions like where am I going what am I doing.
You have some nerves of steel Cherry! Even with positive sings you're still able to keep a level head in all this! That is truly awe inspiring, keep up the great work!
Cherry, it does not surprise me that after having a really good day with you, he was a bit more withdrawn the next day. I think they almost panic when they've had a good time with us because they are afraid that that means that our hopes are up, or expectations or something. It sounds like you handled it perfectly correct where you just ate your own supper and didn't question him and you have continued your GAL plans.
You rock!
Cherry, sounds like you have the right mindset. I'm impressed with how strong you sound. Keep it up!
There are some positives in your sitch and it's easy to let those lead to expectations. I'd definitely caution you to try and limit those at this point. Like Toots said, usually the turnaround isn't quite that quick. You'll likely ebb and flow for awhile.
Cherry, it does not surprise me that after having a really good day with you, he was a bit more withdrawn the next day. I think they almost panic when they've had a good time with us because they are afraid that that means that our hopes are up, or expectations or something.
I think what Eirinn said is often true. A lot of them feel guilty and think they are leading us on because they truly don't know what they want.
Cherry, you seem like a very strong woman. I have no doubt you'll pull through this and live a happy life no matter the eventual outcome of your M.
Thanks guys
I do feel stronger, but I would absolutely love to have my marriage work out. He even mentioned he had thought how to tell the ow that he was going to make things work but then it's like he was arguing with himself.. He does seem very tortured, withdrawn like he's thinking a lot through. I guess he is.
I guess all I can do is try and plod on and build me up. Not home again, so again- I ate and put baby to bed. Will catch up on some programmes and plan for a business meeting tomorrow.
I do think I have started to let a few expectations creep in. Now I'm sat wondering where he is- I haven't done that for a while. I usually busy myself. This is so crappy. It's like I get him back for a few hours and then he is gone again
Deep Breaths. Hard not to have expectations when we are still so attached, sigh.
Tell me about it zephyr!
So he won't even look at me now. Barely utters a word. He is like an opposite to the other day. I know I need to focus on me but is this normal and how do I play it? The other day he was saying how lousy he feels treating his baby like this and me like this and bla bla.
Is this just confusion? Ugh I just feel like by having sex with him I've allowed him to cake eat. He was telling me he was thinking how to tell the ow about us and letting her go. And now this
I feel like talking to him, because the other day we were saying bout being honest with each other. So do I question him, or leave him to it and stay distant?
Stick to your plan... Things have been getting better when you do. When we start to vere from your plan...we see the bad reactions. I swear it is as if they know they have u right where they want us. It is when we work on us, make our changes and stick to the plan ... The dynamic is changed. I still fall victim to my emotions and needs to often. Stay strong
Cherry, just got a little caught up with you. I can speak from my experience, beware the pendulum swing.
I feel like the sex my H and I had at the end of our S lead into piecing, or was a major paver...we did start connecting again and there was love in his eyes...but. One day he put his wedding ring on again, and I really wish he hadn't now.
If their heart is following along out of guilt, duty, or whatever else and isn't leading...idk. Idk if sex is a bad idea IF you can stay detached and not try to read too much into it. It just seemed there was a big recoil out of it all. But I do know it moved the situation.
Not trying to hijack, just sharing in case it's useful.
This is tricky and I'm not sure anyone can tell you what to do. An instruction guide would be nice, but it doesn't work that way. You have to decide what you are willing to put up with. It's perfectly acceptable to tell him you will not live in an open marriage. IMO, you need to be strong and firm with him. Your words need to be backed up with action though. In other words, say what you are going to do if he doesn't end the A and then actually do it. If you aren't ready to do something don't say that you are.
In general DB tells you not to start R talks. Maybe it's worth letting this sit until the next time he starts an R talk. At that point state your boundaries and back them up.
Ugh we talked. He was honest and admitted he had seen the OW. He made out that he is in a hole and doesn't know what to do how to get out. I was annoyed he even discussed it with her- she has no right to be part of this- especially when about a month ago she claimed she didn't know about the marriage and was gonna stay away from him (naive to believe that I know). I did remain calm and poised throughout- even though he was basically trying to deny the things he said the other day. Like how he said he was thinking of telling her he was committing to the m. I thought seems as he appears to be cake eating, it was the perfect time to lay boundaries- I will not remain living with him if he goes ahead with d (his plan). I also will remain friendly for the sake of our child- we will not be friends (another of his plans some best buddy hanging out thing). I feel he knows where I stand.
I've made all this clear the past few days, as well as I want to work on the m- but I know I will be fine if not.
I am majorly pissed- I thought I'd go to my room and cry, I don't feel like wasting tears. I'm just angry.
So back to the plan. I won't have another of these discussions with him. I'll continue to be detached but appear friendly and contented in my own little bubble. Annoys me he talks to her more though about our m.. I do bet he missed the sex out though..
I feel I have backslid.. And I questioned him about ow. Ugh
This post will not be helpful in any way because I'm just pouring gas on a fire, but after reading these threads I am just so tired of these home-wreckers. Do these people think they're being nice to "comfort" someone that is going through such a hard time? Does it make them feel important? Are they feeding on some sense of being needed? Or do they think it's not making a negative impact? Or that they can help save the person somehow? Or are they trying to cut in? WT_?
I get that the WAS is in a fog, but why are these people getting in the middle?
I'll tell you, I had a co-worker I was friends with for years that told me that he was involved with a M woman. I gave him a come to jesus meeting like he's never heard before and ended my friendship with him. I literally showed him these forums and talked about how he what he was doing was destroying real lives. Spin it how you want, but it's more despicable than anything. I'd rather a drug dealer give my kid his first shot of heroin.
OK, just had to vent a little. Sorry Cherry. Stay strong and walk tall. Oh, and one R talk won't make or break anything. I think it was important actually so you could restate your boundaries. You gave him a taste of what he'll be missing, that was important too. Couldn't have planned it better. Now detach, GAL, and be the awesome woman you seem to be. And keep posting!
Oh wow. Cherry, I'm so sorry. Sounds like you handled as best you could. And INMO, you have to ask about the OW as much jerking around as he's done, or you would have been willingly placing your head in the sand.
Well done on the boundaries.
YOU are the strong, stable, mature one right now. Hold your head high, let him do as he pleases, you can't have regrets.
Cherry, I'm so sorry. And you've been doing great. H & I discussed OW for a couple of months at my instigation before I dropped the rope on that. He even started complaining to me that she wasn't very nice to him!
One convo like this doesn't mean a huge backslide. It's a case of learning from what has happened, moving forward and not making the same mistakes again and again...
It seems clear that your H is in a hole and is confused. He may not climb out of that hole any time soon. It's hard to climb out, you know....
This is why detaching is so important, because he'll pull you over the edge and into that hole with him if you let him. But you won't let him of course. I know that about you already Cherry.
Push the 'forwards' button now.....you can do this...
Sounds like you have been thinking hard about your boundaries...great stuff!!!
Now, Are you willing to do what needs to be done to enforce your boundaries to protect yourself? Are you ready for the inevitable $hitt tests from H?
Keep up the awesome work!!!
Guys thank you all, you keep me sane!!
I do think stuff like this helps me to detach in a way. As I think the whole situation is ridic.
Got up, had a business meeting. So made myself look fabulous. My mom looked after baby for me. Everyone kept telling me I look amazing- major confidence boost as now I'm really starting to believe it. Meeting seemed to go well. Saw h briefly, I acted cool calm happy etc- confuse him a bit, he was friendly back just looks so unbelievably depressed. He asked me what I was going to do. I said I was going to enjoy the rest of my day.
He honestly does seem in a hole. But like you say, I ain't joining you honey!! I'm gonna focus on me, my career, being a mom. He is more than welcome to be part of this life. If not. Oh baby, he will regret it and he knows it!!
((((Cherry)))) I'm sorry your R talk didn't go as you'd hoped. Good job on stating your boundaries. Keep backing them up with consistent action. Focus on yourself and let him go figure out his stuff. He'll either find his way out of the crisis or he won't. Not your problem.
Saw h briefly, I acted cool calm happy etc- confuse him a bit, he was friendly back just looks so unbelievably depressed.
He probably is somewhat depressed. Usually that plays a part in the crisis. It actually sounds like he feels guilty when he's home which actually is a good sign IMO. That says to me that if he figures out how to extract himself from the pull of OW, he'll probably be able to show remorse and that's important for the piecing process.
I'm gonna focus on me, my career, being a mom. He is more than welcome to be part of this life. If not. Oh baby, he will regret it and he knows it!!
That's the right attitude! You are doing great.
He honestly does seem in a hole. But like you say, I ain't joining you honey!!
Perfect mentality! He will dig himself out of that hole himself, when he decides to.
Well the positives is he has started saying I am an "option" as angry as that makes me.. He wouldn't entertain the idea of staying with me. He looks very very guilty, and my 180s and new found confidence no doubt confuse him.
Heart, I actually read your thread when I couldn't sleep and definitely see my H's characteristics in yours. It is very much script.
Don't pay any attention to what he
says about trying to figure out how to tell OW he's coming back to you, b/c he may be giving the OW the same BS. There have been men who would keep both women dangling while thinking he was trying to let go of the other one. Having sex with both women......well, why would he hurry to end that kind of setup?
Here is a quote from a few posts back, and this looks more promising than any of the other stuff.
We for sure have switched roles of him looking confident and a man about town and me crying and hanging around. To now I'm walking round head held high and confident while he is looking sad and asking me questions like where am I going what am I doing.
This ^^ is exactly how you need to handle yourself!
You're right sandi's. Although he has told me it isn't physical and he's gonna be honest with me ( I don't believe any of what he's saying there)
Ugh that time of night that I start to feel sh*t.. He's barely looking at me. Not really talking, nodding or shaking his head where necessary. You wouldn't think the other day we were like two teenagers who couldn't keep their hands off each other having sex multiple times.. He even admitted to feeling like a lousy dad the other day and now he's back at his ways. Ignoring baby. It's like he came out of the fog only to go straight back.. Arghhhh this hurts like hell
Hi Cherry, sorry you're not having the best night. It's important to keep your expectations of him very low on all fronts right now. Then it matters less to you when he isn't being a great Dad or H.
One thing I've tried to do, is get some new routines going for times of the day that feel a bit tough. If he doesn't want to interact with you, are there other nice things you can do? Bake stuff in the kitchen, go read your book, call a friend or so on? Remember not to depend on him right now for 'nice times' - he's not going to come through on that one for you at the moment. Make your own nice times, whatever he may be up to. If he wants to join in, fair enough...
I admire how you're handling things Cherry - you're doing really well. Find that sassy and confident woman inside of yourself again....
Thanks toots, I know you are right. I had got real good on low expectations. I do worry that he won't come out of this fog at all right now. But I guess, again I need to get back to my way of thinking that I'm going to be just fine either way. I thought I would come on here and journal a little rather than go to him and question him.
Does really annoy me how he frequently speaks to the other woman but yet he won't to me. He has said he agrees me and him might not be friends that hang out one on one as he will always be physically attracted to me and wanna sleep with me. I'm mean seriously. What the heck.
Cherry, I so hear you! Tonight my H came home and complained that he hadn't seen me for three days and we haven't talked, but then went to bed within 15 minutes! It's just a roller coaster that we can choose not to get on. I think the anger is a good thing, as well as a sense of humor. Night times are still my hardest time, right before I fall asleep.
Keep it up, and keep journaling on here. That's what I'm trying to do more of.
Yep that's really the key. It's like they no how to try and pull us on there. It's really like they are bi polar. After not uttering a word he then had some quite chatty talk with me where we both joked a little. I think humour, grace, and poise. I honestly try to keep myself on an even keel and not let his mood swings affect my mood.
Yeah journaling for sure helps, releases some of the things I'd like to say to him!
Ugh journaling. So I haven't been well so my mom came round to keep an eye on baby. I fell asleep on the couch and was woke up by my H coming in. Thing is he woke me from a dream, and in my dream we were like dating or something- more like a flash back of our memories fooling around having a road trip messing around on a beach or something. For a minute its like I completely forgot our sitch. Then he moodily says he's getting changed and going out. And BOOM it hits me. And it feels as though I have just been told the BD all over again.
This hurts, hurts, hurts. So rather than turn pathetic. I'm sat in my room. Holding in the tears- trying to act poised- he is most probably out with the other woman so don't want the last thing he saw of me as many. Gonna keep absolute cool and happy looking til he walks out the door. I'm tempted to tell him I'm gonna go out myself. Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Maybe it's cause I'm not well or something, or crazy sleep deprived but I can't deal with this BS no more. I'm fed up of being a back up. He says he needs to decide between us, but she is on a pedestal and he only has time for her. And I don't get why he has to be such a d*ck about everything. I asked how he was in just a polite friendly way and get barked back that he is sh*t as usual. He is in self distruct mode!! I just don't get how he seemed to come out of it and realise he faults for like a day and say he is gonna change and then boom he is straight back in it. I know it's not my problem- and focus on me. But oh my oh my!!
Cherry, hang in there! He is the fool, right? You are the one only a fool would leave, right? Celebrate yourself with a good movie or puzzle (ok, i like puzzles, not everyone does).
I hope you start feeling better soon.
Thank you zephyr, I am- I know I am. And I know I am more of a woman than this ow. She is a pair of ears and a mouth telling him the stuff he wants to hear. I told him i was going out (white lie, no way I am- been sick all day but he don't need to know that). He asked where, I said why? He got a little angry and said "alone" so I said no, I'll meet some mates.
Probably wrong, but I dunno, I didn't wanna seem like he breezes in for literally 5 mins and I am sat here needy looking. Helllll naaaa. I just hope him thinking I'm going out makes him do something stupid but - I can't control him. I guess I'll get baby to bed, then have a pamper evening. Face mask, nails. Pedicure. And then a nice internet shopping spree I think.
you did great staying poised!
Thanks. Luckily, he was only in 5 mins if that. Had a mini cry. Now I'm questioning why I even want such an excuse of a man in my life?!
Cherry, if everytime you ask him how he is and he responds like sh*t, stop asking. Just smile and say hi. That will stop his whining. :P
Shopping sounds just perfect! Would love to go shopping!
{{Cherry}}
Retail therapy is becoming too much of an addiction I think!! You never know what you're gonna get from them really do you?! I guess that is the beauty of detachment- need to work on it somemore
he gets in, comes to say hi. I'm cheery enough, he asks me a question. I answer perfectly fine in a relaxed tone. He leaves the room in a complete mood telling me I don't need to be a d*ck. I struggle to see how it could ever be perceived as that!!
Is it script that a WS has no patience at times for their spouse? He is so up and down- one minute he will make out he cares about me- the next he is biting my head off.. !!
Seriously need to sleep and pray tomorrow is better!!
Cherry, I just made a long post on Pyrite's thread. I found a way to put into words something that's been in my head for a long time. Check it out, and afterwards my next comment will make sense:
He's so used to exchanging poor behavior he's not sure how to handle what you're doing. He's expecting something else, and he's prepared for arguments and hostility, so he's coming in with guns loaded to every exchange. He's not quite sure what to make of what you're doing.
Now- can you be strong enough to keep responding the way you are despite what he does back? If so you MIGHT be able to break this cycle. Doesn't mean you don't have boundaries, just means you don't change your behavior and excuse it by his. Make sense?
I get ya! I read your model and it was great, made a lot of sense. And your right, it does become a habit. I guess it's going to take longer than a couple weeks for him to realise that me being happy and not responding to his moods is a genuine change. I've bit my tongue a lot so far not to rise to it- and God willing will continue.
He is confused by the fact I'm so relaxed- he has mentioned that to me already.
Positivity I guess. Take each day as it comes. Trying to think what GALing I can do on this rainy day today.
Journaling. So somehow ow family knows something's going on. h is obviously pissed. Cause now ow is giving him grief. Maybe even an ultimatum. He got all angry (like im anything to do with it). I kept calm. I don't know how. He says he needs to decide wether to end things with her and me. Asks me what would I do if he goes ahead with her. I restated my boundaries. I will be gone, and I'll be polite for the sake of our son. But I'm gone. He said I don't need to go. I said I'm not living with him or around our memories. I'm now almost in tears as he's gone to talk to ow. I'm pissed she gets a say in anything. I don't know what to do. He may even come home and tell me thats it.
Cherry, I'm so sorry this is happening. I think the main things you can do are:
Keep calm
Be very clear about your boundaries
Keep posting
I've got to dash now, but hang on in there and I'm sure more help is on the way.
((((Cherry))))
Thanks toots. I can't actually cope with the anxiety. I dunno wether to just go out or stay in.
I honestly feel like I need to do something to numb the pain. Im trying my hardest to busy myself but nothing is working
Good stand cherry. Remember that you control you only. If you do still love your husband at all, you gave to let him make the biggest mistake of his life, right! That is the only road that you can take. We cannot force, coerce whatever them back into being our spouses. And even if we could would we want them to be as they are right now. I have made the mistake too often of thinking that I don't want to lose my wife...what I am losing, a friend who will not show me the affection that I want, a person who is willing to lie and deceive in lieu of being open and honest. I don't know if that person is worth compromising our chance for happiness for. I am rambling now. Sorry to be so glum.
The anxiety too will start to fade when we start to let go!
Ugh that time of night that I start to feel sh*t.. He's barely looking at me. Not really talking, nodding or shaking his head where necessary.
Whenever you see the very first sign of him doing this, you immediately take action to switch the roles. In my mind, I see a W trying to make conversation with her uninterested H. Cherry, that is pursuit. If he is not looking you in your eyes while you are talking to him.........it means he has tuned you out. He is p,asking that old game that men play. "Just nod the head now & then and she'll think you are listening".
Apparently this time of the evening is when you feel vulnerable, so plan ahead and get that spunky, self-confident, sexy attitude jacked up.........and stop watching
him. Stop trying to pull him in by talking.
Do you have family or friends nearby Cherry? Would it be an option to take yourself and baby off for a bit. Sitting at home waiting for 'something' to happen is probably the worst thing. Plus, ideally you want to be feeling as strong as possible when you do talk.
Please try not to worry. And remember, whatever he comes back to you with - you get to decide what you want to do. And also, while things may feel like 'the end' if he makes a decision - they very often change in time.
The main thing is to protect yourself and baby from all of this upheaval in your life right now. Do what you need to do to feel secure, comfortable and able to move forwards.
Take care Cherry.
I'm trying I really am- it drives me mad how much my son has seen and heard. I don't want to look back at his first year like this.
I haven't, I don't really live near any family or friends. And only a couple friends know what's happening with us. My family don't even know.
I'm limited on what to do in the evening without a sitter too. I do feel like booking into a motel or something. But I feel I'm pouring gas onto a fire if I do that.
Cherry, try not to worry about wider things than you need to. Your S is fine, and it is what it is for now. This is happening in his first year, and there's not a lot you can do to change that right now. Focus on what you can control.
Have you had any further contact with H since you posted earlier? I think if you haven't - and if you can manage it - you are best to have as calm an evening as possible. If you can, try to act 'as if' you aren't sitting waiting to hear what he has chosen to do.
You have already made your choice and told him. You won't be around waiting for him if he chooses to be with someone else. All you need to do is maintain that boundary and he will do what he will do.
Think about the worst that can happen. He may come back or contact you and tell you he wants to be with OW. Okay, that would be hard, but you would get through that. He may move out if that happens. Okay, you would cope with that too. in a way, you're already coping with all of that.
In a way the worst has already happened. And whatever decision he makes today, it will just be a bend in the road in your sitch and you will see that as more time passes.
He will do what he will do right now. There's not much you can do about that - so you might as well calmly go about your own business and let him go if that is what he wants to do. If your sitch goes like most here, he will soon find the grass is not greener as he thought.
Take care and keep posting Cherry x
Toots thank you for the words. Haven't heard from him. And you're right, I am basically doing that now.
I'm sure he would find the grass isn't greener. But that's his journey. Tried to relax this evening. Baby is asleep so I'm gonna catch a movie. Maybe do some yoga (rock and roll)
Cherry, I'm so sorry that this is happening to you today. Just find a way to stay in the present. Books, not about your sitch, seem to help me too.
You will get through this and be happy. And we will support you on here anytime you need us.
{{Cherry}}
So he comes home. We talk for ages. Sit in silence at times. He claims he has ended it for good with her. But said that he has respect for me (hmmmmm) I needs to tell me something.. He tells me this a that he has pretty much denied as to being anymore than a friendship got physical. And they slept together more than once. Obviously I am heart broken.. I didn't flip out, I kept calm. Obviously I said the usual I think anyone would, disgusting etc, why didn't you think of your family, I hope you feel disgusted with yourself.
He says he doesn't think he deserves either of us. So won't blame me if I leave him (I think that's making him an easy route out). I love him I do, but I don't know if I should get the remainder of my dignity and go.
My mind had already gone there, but to have that man who made those vows to me admit it.. Well that hurts all the more. I don't know wether to trust he has left her for good. I want to see her number deleted.
I don't know how I deal with this. Guess I should re read infidelity chapter of DR.
I feel sick
I'm so sorry Cherry. There is no question this is one of the most painful situations you'll ever encounter in your life. It's really too bad how deeply we humans hurt each other. What makes it worse, this scar will never heal completely whether you stay with him or not.
No decisions tonight. None tomorrow. I would recommend telling him you need some time to sort through this.
Let me ask you- has he told you he wanted to recommit to the M? There is a big difference between this confession and a recommitment.
Tonight just get through. You may feel you can't do it by yourself, but now's the time to look up and whether you believe in God or not be humble to ask for help. We are praying for you to be strong and for your pain to be eased.
Thank you for the prayers, they're much appreciated. I'm a big believer in God.
He hasn't said he wants to commit. He talked in a few "we's" but then said he feels he has hurt me too bad he feels uncomfortable. And would understand if I want to end it.
It feels worse as I've gone to bed.. I can't get the images out of my mind
Ha. He feels uncomfortable. This is bull.
It's like he is trying to use his discomfort to manipulate you into forgiving him easily. Like he's hoping you are desperate enough for the M that you'll just overlook what happened and be all "no H, don't feel bad, we can work through this, don't feel that way..."
I'm not saying you shouldn't want the M. Whether you FEEL like it or not will come and go, but these are lifelong decisions not just for you but for your child and shouldn't be made quickly or on feelings. That said, it takes two. If he's not ready to man up and take this on the chin there's nothing to forgive. DON'T SAY THIS, but I'd FEEL like saying "I can get past the adultery and breaking of vows...I can't get past the fact that you can't own that and put my feelings as the priority in light of what you've done".
It doesn't help to breed resentment, but let's face it, you're going to feel this way. I'm just trying to empathize so you know you're not crazy for thinking these things.
oh cherry. I wish this was not happening. I wish a great many things. I have gotten a sense of your strength and you will need it tonight. My heart and prayers go to you and your baby. (((Cheery)))
That's such hard news to hear. It's going to hurt for awhile. Its a little eerie how much your sitch resembles mine. I agree with Zues, nothing has to be decided today, tomorrow, or even next week. Take it slow and determine what you want and need. If you decide you want to work on the M (and H commits to that as well), you need to lay out what you require from him to heal. Some examples would be a no contact letter to OW that you approve, password to his phone, volunteering where he's at and when he'll be home. It's up to you to decide what you need. It's really hard to renegotiate those requirements later, so it's crucial to figure this out early.
He hasn't said he wants to commit. He talked in a few "we's" but then said he feels he has hurt me too bad he feels uncomfortable. And would understand if I want to end it.
It feels worse as I've gone to bed.. I can't get the images out of my mind
This isn't all bad. Sounds like he might not think you can forgive him. My H said something very similar. Eventually he's got to be willing to say "Cherry, I'll do anything you need." That might not happen right away. He'll probably have withdrawal symptoms from the A for a bit. That's hard. In a way, right or wrong, you will both be grieving for awhile.
Chin up. It might feel like the end of the world. I assure you it's not. Time will make it easier and your course of action clearer. You are strong and you will survive. ((((Cherry))))
Cherry, I'm so sorry to hear that. I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now. As Zeus says, this is one of the most painful things that can happen, so give yourself some time to process and seek whatever support you need.
I think there are some positives here though (I can see it may be hard to see that right now.) Your H sat down and told you what has happened with OW. That must have taken some courage, and it was respectful to you to tell you all of this face to face. My H didn't manage to do that. I learned about what had happened by phone, text and email. It still hurts me that this was the case...
Plus, he has moved from a position of deception to honesty. Or at least 'more' honest anyway. Also, he has 'ended' things with OW. Bear in mind that it is unusual for WAS's to be completely honest at this stage. But you have moved from a position of total deception towards partial honesty. By that I mean, sleeping with her 'a few' times, may well equal 'many' times...and so on. Did he say anything about his current 'feelings' towards OW? And is her H aware now?
He isn't saying he wants to recommit at this point. As others say, he seems to be almost saying that it is up to you, and that he understands why you may not want to do that. Does he seem remorseful for what has happened? What was his demeanour like? Was he saying it was a mistake?
I think much depends on how things unfold going forwards. From your perspective, I think it is important not to rescue him, and say 'there, there - we can get beyond this H' and so on. Equally, I don't think you should humiliate him - just tell him honestly about how upset you are feeling and that you need some time to process everything.
Have a careful read of that chapter on infidelity in DR, because there is some useful content in there on what may be needed from here on. I wouldn't make an immediate decision about recommitting to the M. But maybe start having a think about what you would need if he does want to recommit. Normally, that would include being absolutely ready to end all contact with OW, no contact letter, full transparency and possibly MC if that's what you want.
But I don't think he's at that point yet, Cherry. This is all so fresh. As Heart says, you haven't got to the point where he has says he will do whatever it takes - and I think you do need to get to that point first.
Take Care Cherry....(((((((Cherry))))))) - start a new thread too - I think yours is about to lock.
New thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...445#Post2556445