where i'm right now: was just presented a tax bill i can't pay. found out if the XW had waited till the new year (2015) the difference would have been @7k. we would have gotten a return to split.
i was not in the best frame of mind emotionally when i started my new job. i was told the other day that i'm on "thin ice" and could be fired at any time with no union protection.
the XW just bought a townhouse. we had a plan when she moved here. when the house sold, i was gonna take the profit and with my retirement, we would have had around $100k to put down on a new house. don't see how i'll ever recover financially from this. for years i paid almost double to keep debts low or pay them off. i'm living in a crappy apartment that costs almost double what my home mortgage was in addition to child support. now add a tax payment plan along with credit card bills and i'm officially done.
i know it should pass but i'm feeling pretty hopeless right now.
Hi Bravo,
I'm sorry you're having a crappy day. I know that everyone here can relate. I hate it when everything seemingly pours in at once.
1. Tax bill. Did ya'll file jointly or married separate? My opinion (not knowing tax laws) but if you guys would've split a return, then you both should split the tax bill. Also, call the IRS -- they do payment plans. Just sent SOMETHING by April 15th and they'll work with you to get it sorted out.
2. Focus on your job, 100%. Make it your new 180. I know exactly where you're coming from. My boss knows about my sitch, and was fairly sympathetic. However, he got seriously stressed out last month ago and lost his cool on me for taking a sick day -- speculating that my personal life was my problem, and that I needed to pull it together or I wouldn't have a job anymore. This was confirmed by HR -- as there was some talk about demoting me to a lower position. While it infuriated me (as one, truly had nothing to do with the other), I made sure that I stepped up my game and always put a happy smile on my face....even if I was gritting my teeth during it.
So sorry for what you're going through -- but I do know that things will get better.
Thanks for the encouragement everyone.
So yesterday I took the big step and unfriended the X on FB. Felt really pretty good about it.
And then today happened. Went on match to check my daily matches & guess who the first one was. Yep the X, brand new to match. Can't lie, it was a real punch in the gut. Looks like she is looking for a doctor or dentist 35-50. Yea!
This Suuux!
Thanks Maybell.
It seems as if I really was never good enough for her, I know that's how I felt at times. Funny thing is, we are a 93% match in spite of all her changes. Who knows, this may just be part of her journey. Her flight of fancy may crash and burn.
The one thing I'm absolutely certain of is I have no control over that & there is nothing I can do to change it. All I can do is love her from afar right now & treat her the way I would want to be treated. Not because of expectations that she treat me that way (although I wouldn't turn that down) but because it's who I am now & the right thing to do.
Ouch, indeed. At least, my WW is with OM, so this shouldn't happen for a while in my sitch...
All I can do is love her from afar right now & treat her the way I would want to be treated. Not because of expectations that she treat me that way (although I wouldn't turn that down) but because it's who I am now & the right thing to do.
Well then I will ask the questions that came to me yesterday when I saw your post: Why are you bothered that she's on dating sites if you also are there? Doesn't she think, to quote you, that she treats you the same way you treat her? If you don't want her to be on dating sites, why are you there? Are you saying that her profile is painful, but yours is not hurtful?
Sorry if I'm off-base; I haven't followed you as closely lately, so I don't know how you ended up with a profile.
Bravo, I'm sorry about that - difficult to see I'm sure. There's an irony in the strong match though....
As Mozza says, there's no reason why either of you shouldn't date - but not easy to come 'face to face' on a dating website.
Have you met anyone else nice from the site Bravo?
Thanks Mozza & Toots for the replies.
I actually joined the site as a way to prepare myself for divorce. My first line is "looking for a friend to introduce me to the city". I haven't made the effort to connect with anyone as of yet due to logistics (working graveyard) & I'm just not ready.
I did find it interesting that she joined less than 24 hrs after I unfriended her. However who knows if she even noticed.
I made a completely fake profile on match.com just to see what it was like. I'm a tech guy, but I was in a serious relationship/married when all this internet dating stuff took off.
I also wanted to see if they have any controls that could block or limit the chance of seeing the ex. I haven't tested it much but they don't really have anything in place. They really should I think. Limiting my searches to above or below her age (I'll be honest, I only tried below) is the only way I could see to avoid having the ex as match. She could always lie about her age.
I was not impressed with Match.com. For the first time in my life, I have no desire to date anyone. Repairing this broken machine (me) and making my kids happy is going to be my focus.
bravo61, I imagine it was a big bag of suck to see the ex on match.com. I know I would have been bummed to see my ex on the site. Mozza is right spot-on (as usual). Should we really be upset?
I'll admit, part of me would find great joy in her finding my profile. I would love for her to give me hell about it. That's the petty and vindictive part of me that I want to hide.
So, for the same reasons I nuked my FB, I nuked my match.com account. I don't need social networking or online dating. I don't need to read about my friends, I need to call them and hangout with them. There will be plenty of opportunity to reconnect with old friends and make new friends. Just taking the kids to the park, zoo, or school events will put me around plenty of people. When I'm ready to date, I'll know. Maybe the old fashioned approach of interpersonal communication will make a good impression.
Interesting nite. She called & I talked to S. Then she got on the phone & told me how she did a hard procedure on 1st try. Told her I was so impressed & proud of her. She was so happy to share her story & thanked me for listening. Then she started to tell me how hard a time S has been giving her. She actually teared up and said a Bravo I don't bad talk you. I assured her I don't that she has her feelings, S has his, & I have mine. I can only control mine. She went on about how stressed she was from house stuff & working so much, & choosing between two new jobs. I told her that i knew she'd make a great choice & that in spite of everything I still believed in her. She said that meant a lot. She said that she hasn't been mean, I told her I know she's done her best but if she said that about D being the best for the family that was wrong. She said she didn't recall saying that. That it was only what she thought was best for her not the kids.
She mentioned me saying I don't like her friends in front of S.
Told her I don't know them but I have an issue w/anyone supporting the destruction of my family. & I'm not comfortable having them being around the kids w/the lifestyle they lead.
I was calm & loving throughout. I told her she was welcome to come out w/the kids & I and she'd see I don't talk bout her. Even told her about Sam always putting the plate out for her at the place we always eat at on Tuesdays (she knows that our tradition).
I told her some of her negative assumptions were correct before at times but haven't been that in spite of what she chose to do. She's still painting herself as a martyr & victim but I was shocked she showed some vulnerability. She must've been carrying this stuff for a while. I told her I'll always listen. I didn't offer any suggestions just listened. We talked for like 20 minutes. Just shocked.
Proud that I didn't throw in her face that she does treat me like carp at times. Really working on the recordkeeping. Didn't tell her how she should feel.
She did get upset when I told her that the kids pepper me with questions & tell me things she says. I told her if some of the things are true while disturbing, it wouldn't affect how I treat her or talk negatively about her. She really tried to deflect or minimize S feelings when I told her he wasn't happy. Kids act out when they are unhappy. Well her relationship with them is hers & that's between them. I will say that they trust me and don't give those issues probly cause they know I didn't want this. They also see me treating her with respect in spite of how she treats me.
so S had his first baseball practice a couple of days ago but she didn't tell me. found out on our convo the other nite. she said at the time that he may have one Sat but she wasn't sure. i asked her to please let me know cause i would like to go. didn't blow up at her or anything. so Sat i hadn't heard anything so i got up early and texted her. she said yes it was at 2.
i got to practice and sat in the stands and she asked me to come sit with her. i was pleasant and she talks to me about the house, her job, etc. i listen and look into her eyes while she's talking.
after practice, she asks if i want to go to early dinner with them. couple of things were said that i never knew about, like she didn't want to go back to school that i shamed her into it and acted like she had no inititiave. i don't recall that but she did. i just let her know that i didn't remember that and i was sorry. all she wanted was three kids and to work flexipool. again, something i didn't know. i said that i prolly would've grumped about it but at the end of the day i would've done it. she said that we'll just have to disagree about that. i told her that she doesn't know me better than i know myself. i told her that i would've worked plenty hard to make it happen just like i worked extra all those times to save for good vacations for them. she acknowledged that i was great about that stuff.
she asked about the adventures i've/we've been on (the kids and i). told her some and she shared some the things she's done (surprise a lot of pubs and breweries). on the way back, she mentioned that i'm a whole different person: speak softer, kinder, better dad, go to church, lost weight and i said i'm worth it (reference to the other night). she patted my leg and said "i always knew you were and you could be this person and i'm so proud of you".
the kids were so well behaved and happy to have us all together. i think she did it because i told her the other night she was welcome to go out with us and see what it was like (that she's not "bashed"). when we got back to my car, i reminisced about the area we were in. on holloween 2013, i visited and we walked around that neighborhood with the kids. i saw a local cop that night and asked bout a job. i kinda said that it would've been nice to have ben hired earlier.
i told her that i was sorry for the way i acted when she was here and i was there that i was so scared, depressed, and i felt like i was letting them down. she said that it was hard to see that as i screamed at her on the phone. i told her that was wrong of me and i was sorry. she kinda opened her arms for a hug (while sitting in her seat but i didn't do it). kissed the kids and she rolled down her window. i walked up and smiled big reached through the window put my hand on her cheek and kissed her other one. she smiled and said see you tomorrow.
she kept talking bout raising her kids in the house, working less to see the kids (and date i'm sure). at one point S (God love him) said when is yall's anniversary and she responded with alacrity the right day.
i'm sure it means nothing. she's prolly just peeking outside the gate at me on my picnic blanket. as evidenced by the fact that she was surfing match within an hour after this.
S said that she learned that she was unfriended by me and said it was a "bummer".
Hi Bravo,
How are you doing? I'm curious to know how you're feeling about yourself and your future and how detached you think you are these days?
Your situation and relationship with your XW is difficult for me to read but its positive for your kids if you can do things like have dinner together.
hey Jim,
Honestly, i'm doing awful. with everything that has been happening in the last couple of weeks, my life feels like it's heading into the toilet. with the taxes, job, this stuff, etc. i was doing pretty well at the detaching, but the progress has really been dealt a blow. i will say that the dinner was initiated by her.
frankly, t'm really struggling right now. i miss my wife and family. the questions i get from the kids are getting harder to deal with. they both wanted pics of our whole family together to put in ziploc bags to carry around with them. my D started bawling the other day because "this isn't the way its supposed to turn out. y'all are supposed to get remarried and i can wear a pretty dress and brother can wear a tux. it's supposed to end in happily ever after!!!"
S has started recounting good times as a family out of the blue. last night she called and they both didn't want to talk to her. i just hold them and let them know that i'm sorry that it is like this and that i love them very much.
nothing much else i can do. i will say its amazing that i don't hate her. i know i hurt her but i SO want the chance to make it up. that said, she has a lot to make up for too.
what stinks is that our schedules now would have allowed us to have quality time together just us. to explore our new surroundings. the same thing she put in her profile she wants
as if life couldn't get any worse, when i reported to work i was pulled aside by my supervisors.
long story short, i was given the opportunity to resign.
just wanting the pain to end...
sorry bravo. it's not good to be kicked when you're down. any chance to recover?
If not... a new start is a new opportunity to focus, right? Work is GAL.
((((bravo61)))) it will get better.
I'm worried about you bravo61. This is a lot to take at the same time, and many of these situations are tremendously difficult in their own right. It would be completely normal if you're struggling. What are you doing to cope? Are people around you aware of all that's going on? Is there someone at your side helping you to get through it? I think about you.
thanks for checking in folks. no there is no chance to recover, it was resign or the alternative. i don't really have anyone around me. there are some folks back home but that's just it, they r back home.
so today i've turned off the cable, cancelled gym membership, cut out parts of my car insurance, filed around 20 applications and tried to keep from driving into the river.
these are the times life partners are for.
when will it end?
Mr. Bond,
when i started this job, it was less than 2 weeks after a move across country to ba greeted by "i love you but not enough to go on with you". for 5 months i was an emotional wreck and had a hard time focusing at work. it came across as laziness and they had a sour taste in their mouth. while my productivity had improved greatly, it was seen as "we shouldn't have had to tell you that".
i have no idea what i'm gonnna do...
the ttext I got from XW when I told her
Just want you to know that I do believe in you. I'm praying tonight that you feel God's presence and sense his grace. I'm also praying for the next thing around the corner for you. May it be something wonderful.
I feel like an acquaintance from church when I read that.
bravo -- you are going to be okay. You're already doing things to be okay -- cutting back on finances, putting out job applications. I know things seem bad now, but take the long view. Yours is the only post I've responded to in a while. I can tell you're hurting, and just wanted you to hear a friendly voice. You have skills, resources, and motivation -- and two kids who are counting on you to be okay and show them how it's possible to emerge from this garbage stronger than ever. You'll get there.
Hi Bravo.
Sorry to hear about whats happening with you. Ahoy I think has a lot of it spot on.
You got the job in the first place and you'll find another one. My productivity took a real hit and it's only just coming back - but it was my situation I still have all the same capability that I had before and so do you. Youll work something out I'm sure.
Bravo I lost my job recently too. My H cheated and walked out, I've had health issues and a major surgery, and then that. It's a lot to take. But you will be ok. You have taken action to cut expenses, that's good. Think back to pre BD when you first got this job. They chose you. Someone else will too.
Chin Up Bravo.
I know its tough - and that in your profession, finding another job is very time consuming. I will say this Bravo, you are not the first person to lose their job, and the vast majority of people get through it.
I know you feel crushed right now, and hopeless. But there is hope and I'm sure you are a man who will find his inner strngth and soldier on.
Is there any chance that as a silver lining of this you will have the opportunity to spend more time with your kids for a while?
Ahoy, Jim, Rpp, and Ral,
Thank you so much in checking in & encouragement. Words can't express how much that means to me.
This is the toughest thing/time I've ever been through. I wouldn't stuff like this really happened but here I am. It's tough because as I become a better person everyday, my life falls more and more apart. Case in point, as my supervisors were talking to me and escorting me out to my car-I could see how unhappy they were & I felt bad for them too.
Last night I went to my S first baseball game. He did great and I was proud of him just because he did his best. I smiled & joked & laughed. I even teased a little w/the XW.
so at the game D had a flower that she was trying to put in my pocket and the petals kept coming off. i said that i don't want the petals to come off and kinda looked at XW and ruefully smiled.whenever the other said something harsh we would say "petals". petals signified feelings that are damaged and don't grow back. i said that i've damaged enough petals in my lifetime and i'm never doing it again. she looked at me and said that petals do grow back with time. i said yeah and i'm getting pretty good at it. she said see, and you never thought you'd be able to . just thought that was interesting. she may have been referencing her healing a little bit or that someone else is healing her petals. Just weird exchange.
she also asked if i wanted to come see the house tomorrow night and that the kids would love that. when they left she rolled down the window and said i did great tonight. i didn't bring up my problems or lay them at her feet, i tried to be chipper and upbeat. i'm sure that shocked her.
Goal for the day: move without pain (back has flared up-yea);
Complete 2 police applications (ridiculously involved & time consuming); apply for unemployment (not sure how that works or if it'll cover my bills); find a way to brighten someone else's day.
Sound good?
Glad to hear you are feeling a little better today, Bravo. And yes, those police applications are a giant pain!
Hope your day is going as planned - it sounds like a good list!
Continue to get yourself strong. It's the root of what's causing all of this. We all know how you feel. We were all there. There have been others who have lost their jobs because they couldn't get over thinking about their WAS. Heck, my W's OM showed up at my working place telling me he was going to get me fired.
Hi Bravo,
Keep putting one foot forward.
I got in trouble two months ago because I took a sick day from work (but it was perceived as a personal day, due to BD). I understand how it can all happen.
Your new job (other than to find a new job) is to make yourself strong, like Mr. Bond says. Yes, this all [censored] right now, but I truly believe you will preserve from it. A favorite quote of mine comes from J.K. Rowling in which she says, "rock bottom is the foundation upon which I built my life."
Hang in there!
Real, Bond, & Cal
Thanks for the encouragement. Found something I wanted to share & hope it helps someone else.
Once upon a time, there was a man who was sleeping at night in his cabin when suddenly his room filled with light and the Saviour appeared. The Lord told the man He had work for him to do, and showed him a large rock in front of his cabin. The Lord explained that the man was to push against the rock with all his might. This the man did, day after day. For many years he toiled from sun up to sun down, his shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all his might.
Each night the man returned to his cabin sore and worn out, feeling that his whole day had been spent in vain. Seeing that the man was showing signs of discouragement, Satan decided to enter the picture placing thoughts into the man's mind such as: "You have been pushing against that rock for a long time, and it hasn't budged. Why kill yourself over this? You are never going to move it." Thus giving the man the impression that the task was impossible and that he was a failure.
These thoughts discouraged and disheartened the man even more. "Why kill myself over this?" he thought. "I'll just put in my time, giving just the minimum of effort and that will be good enough." And that he planned to do until one day he decided to make it a matter of prayer and take his troubled thoughts to the Lord.
"Lord," he said, "I have laboured long and hard in your service, putting all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this time, I have not even budged that rock a half a millimeter. What is wrong? Why am I failing?" To this the Lord responded compassionately, "My child, when long ago I asked you to serve me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against the rock with all your strength, which you have done. Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your task was to push.
And now you come to me, your strength spent, thinking that you have failed. But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and muscled, your back sinewed and brown, your hands are callused from constant pressure, and your legs have become massive and hard. Through opposition, you have grown much and your abilities now surpass that which you used to have. Yet you haven't moved the rock. But your calling was to be obedient and to push and to exercise your faith and trust in My wisdom. This you have done. I, my child, will now move the rock."
update:
couple of days ago the XW blew up my phone w/angry texts. accusing me of using the kids as spies to find out what she does, with, friends are, ect. she just wants us to be "honest and polite". that S shouldn't know about her match profile (he saw it when she popped up a match for me). that she is uncomfortable w/me viewing her profile that she says she has since cancelled (guilty of this but have stopped) and of the kids keeping secrets from her.
i told her that i don't know what she does, don't want to know, and its none of my business.i just let her know that i have been honest with her the entire time that i've known her and been polite with her regardless of the circumstances. i told her that the kids come to me w/their concerns and i just listen and love on them. that they share things with me that i will not tell her because she won't believe them or she'll say i'm manipulating the sitch.
she's mad because S caught her in a lie when she said that she wasn't gonna date anyone (turns out she's been on a few dates-admit that gave me a twinge). she told him that she will not go out again.
went to S baseball game yesterday and saw them all. XW told me that she is proud of me in not falling into the depression that i carried around with me in our marriage. she asked me to sit with her. she realized that she forgot to get snacks for the team and said "crap, that must ruin your impression that i've got it all together". i told her that everyone forgets things from time to time and she's doing great.
bad thing is, if i don't get a job soon i'll be homeless. i can get a job back home but that will mean moving 2000 miles away from my kids. so i've essentially in the space of a year gone from being a full time dad, to part time dad, to potentially a 2x a year dad. this is killing me. all for things that could have been addressed with communication and reflection on my part.
the worse thing is is that the other day she even said that she wished that i would've just left the house and came out here without a job and we would've made it. rips my heart out knowing that just one or two things would've made a difference.
God please help me.
S is more resolved than ever for us to be together as a family.
also she is going to Disney World with her b itchy work friends the first week in may and told the kids that "she's going down to FL for work stuff with her friends". S had an epithany while watching disney channel the other night. he said "wait, Disney world is in FL. Mama's going to DW isn't she daddy? she lied AGAIN!" i just told him that he would need to ask her that, it's between them.
this will be the first trip to DW for her without me since 2002. we used to go at least every year sometimes two or three times. i wonder if any of those times will hit her heart? prolly not, just thinking out loud.
man do i feel pathetic!
Bravo,
While I know all the stuff with your X pains your heart, I'm going to pass over it for right now (other than to say, yes, you probably shouldn't be reviewing Match.com with your son).
All of your energies should be focused on task #1. Getting a job. I know that it takes a long time for applications to wind around law enforcement agencies and that best case scenarios, it will be a couple of months before you start work again.
How's it going? Have you applied to all the possibilities - investigated any possibilities to fill in the gaps while you wait?
Give us the update.
Ral,
you are right in reference to match with the S. i did not show it to him, he saw it over my shoulder. he had asked if i was on any dating sites and i told him yes but that i was just looking for a friend (as stated in my profile) and he wanted to see my profile. i hit the wrong button and the daily matches came in. that being said, it doesn't matter, i should not have done it. with that, i have always been honest with him to and i know that it gives him a feeling of security that dad will never lie to him. i feel somewhat complicit with her lies to him and them.
my #1 job is to get a job. i have applied to prolly 35 jobs that would pay my bills along with 5 agency jobs. i'm waiting on unemployment to kick in (hopefully) in around 3 weeks. i've applied to DHS for an investigator job so we'll see how that goes. i definitly want to stay in law enforcement but i'll do anything to stay in my kids lives if it pays the bills.
Good job Bravo,
Give yourself a pat on the back.
I thought I remembered you saying once you were in the Portland area? Did you check the agencies across the river in Vancouver?
yeah Ral, i'm looking into that as well. thanks for thinking bout me.
so a friend sent me to another website to check something out.
i was listening to Joe Beam's podcast on controlling and that was ME. i had no idea i'm so ashamed of what i did. i made her feel stupid, unloved, not respected as a partner. i can't believe i didn't realize it. no wonder she felt like she was walking on egg shells. God help me, what have i done? i took a precious gift from God and i abused it. everything bad that happens to me i have brought on myself! of course she would want to run. all these decisions (even the poor ones) are HERS and she's so happy to get to make them.
i can't believe that i was so in denial and couldn't see what i was doing because my own pain. i'm such an ahole. divorce stinks but i would give up my life to take away the pain that i caused her.
bravo, in my case, I'm the one moving away, but my STBX will get our D14 all summer, every Thanksgiving, a week at Xmas, spring break, Memorial Day weekend, Labor Day weekend, Good Friday weekend, MLK Day weekend and two other long school holidays. It works out to 70/30 time split, but it will actually be closer to 50/50 since he will have holiday days and all summer (he doesn't work summer). If you do have to move away and you have an accommodating X who recognizes the importance of parenting time with both parents, you could see your kids more than 2 x a year. The cost of travel is a lot but I've discounted the child support to offset that. Just saying there are ways -- but of course it's not ideal.
thanks ahoy.
yeah i know it would be more than 2x a year it's just that we've gotten so close since i've come here and committed to being the dad i always should've been.
i did see the X tonite at my S game. i stood on one side and she stood on the other. i was pleasant and smiled at her during interactions and actively listened. i wasn't needy or clingy at all. she asked if i could watch the kids tomorrow nite so she could pick up another shift. and of course i said i'd love too. it's just one of the times that i will help her out and not get credit for it. the thing that does bother me about that is that she will throw in my face later that i do "nothing" for them. but that's ok. i'm stoked about seeing the kids. she would say that she's being nice to me to give me extra time. um, that's saving you $150 on sitter costs but lets just gloss over that.
she's also going to Disney World next week and leaving the kids here. kinda shows where he priorities are but i will still be praying for her. i truly understand how she felt when i was seemingly uninterested in my family. that is the only thing that keeps me from hating her right now.
i will mention the other day she admitted that she did not want to get a divorce but she "had to". whatever the hell that means. she also said that she lays in bed at night worried about paying all her bills. i just listened and didn't try to fix anything.
Hello Bravo,
I'm thinking about your situation and I truly feel your pain.
I am adding you as the 3rd person from this forum that I am going to dedicate a prayer to tonight.
I'm not a bible expert or "super relgious" but maybe this verse will give you some comfort:
“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future’” (Jeremiah 29:11).
Hang in there please.
Bob
grab some tissues.D just came into my room with a coloring sheet. she looked at me so earnestly and said, "Daddy give this to mama. she'll love it and forgive you. then she will marry you again." i told her that i'm sorry i can't give it to her mama, she started crying saying "please daddy give it to her. then we'll be a family again. do it for God. please daddy".
Yeah, and I'm brainwashing the kids according to her.
Bravo, give that little one a big hug. You were right, I shoulda grabbed a tissue.
Stay strong, we are praying for you.
Thanks Z.
So S told me that twice in the last month XW has cussed at him. Once she told him to "get your [censored] & get in the car". And on Mother's Day "that was a dumbass move". The woman I married would NEVER do something like that. Doing my best not to call her & cuss her out. This place is Gamorrah and she's loving it here.
I waited until the next day until I was calm to address this with her.
She said she doesn't remember "anything of the kind happening".
My response: I let him know that if it happened that you love him and sometimes adults get stressed out (especially dads) but you would never intentionally hurt his feelings. Just thought you should know.
A couple hrs later, she asked if I wanted them on one of her nights when she has to work. Um, hell yeah.
I have to say, without going through this crap and the work I've put in, I would've been a monster to her about something like that. I would've berated her, criticized her, and questioned her as a parent. Now, I'm still upset but reacting in that manner would just make things worse.
She may not care or even notice the difference, but I feel better about myself for it.
Hello all.
Say a prayer for me tomorrow as that would've been our 12 yr wedding anniversary. I know she remembers it as our S has been fixated on it. It's also exchange day but I won't mention it or acknowledge it to her.
Happy anniversary bravo. Looks like your 1 year is coming up as well. At least they aren't on the same day!
yeah thanks Zues
that'll be something great to relive. hope you are doing well.
well just came from S baseball party. the XW was there w/my D too.
when they pulled up, XW asked me to talk to S about his attitude. apparently he got upset and screamed at her about the divorce. i just told him i understood he was not happy about it but that he still needed to show his mother respect and to not let it happen again. couldn't help but wonder if she was passively agressively blaming it on me as she has done in the past. i let her know that i agree that behavior was out of line. if she wants to blame me whatever, i don't really care.
she came up to me and asked if i wanted a salad bar and to sit with them. i smiled and said thanks for the offer but i'll pass. she then asked me to pull up a chair with them. i told her i appreciate it but that's ok. i went outside and made a couple of calls. i just didn't want to sit with them like we were a family. it's not like i was trying to spite her i just didn't want to. after my calls, i came inside and sat in the corner watching a game on tv until the trophies were presented.
after, i went to go give D a hug and kiss when XW said "you could have sat with us. i wasn't gonna do anything. i'm sorry if i offended you by dragging you into it". i let her know pleasantly that i wasn't mad at her or offended and everything was fine. she seemed really put out and said again that she was sorry if she offended me and i didn't have to go outside. she also said that S had not had a outburst like that in a couple of weeks since we had "addressed" it (when she sent me a email that she ran through her atty stating that she had the kids best interest at heart and i should not be using them as "spies". and what she did/whom she saw was none of my business and potential new relationships shouldn't be forced on the kids soon. in spite of the fact that she went on a date with a guy that she had a playdate with previously-hypocrite much).
i validated that S was wrong to speak to her like that regardless of his feelings. i gave kids hugs and left.
so overall i was pleasant but did not reach out to her or play like we are a happy family but i was not obvious about it she was very obviously irritated by my behavior and lack of focus on her. not mind reading as when she's upset she gets a red rash across the top of her chest. i did not let her rattle me and i did not respond when she tried to push my buttons.
all this on top of yesterdays interaction at the Dx appt for my D. she asked about my day and i kinda walked off to get books to read my D while we waited. just kind of getting into a pattern of deflecting or ignoring when she asks about me or ask her about the upcoming schedule to push the conversation in another direction.
don't think she knows how to feel about any of this. i know she was shocked that i didn't jump to defend myself or ask her if she's ok or immediately start telling her i had nothing to do with his outburst. no more crumbs for me. i deserve more than that. it has been a solid year and i still do not lose my cool, blame her for my life circumstances, question her, or tell her how to feel or that she's made and is still making a huge selfish mistake.
i still love her but i'm feeling the "done" coming on.
(UN)happy bomb drop day everyone. Gonna spend it working out an working on learning a new guitar tune.
Interested in opinions regarding the last interactions. Hope everyone has a great day!
Which Tune Are you working on. Just started a few months ago with the acoustic guitar and having a blast with it every day. I am working on 'Red Light' by david nail...awesome song. maybe not the most appropriate DB tune, but still love it nonetheless.
On your interactions, it sounds like you did well with the things you said and did. It took strength and confidence to be able to handle all that you have to date.
Only issue is if you wanted to see the kids, you could've stuck around and had a sit with them while they ate. I understand the 'not wanting to play like a happy family' thing. If that was you neighbor watching your kids, would U have sat down and at least been able to be civil. IDK, maybe I am spit-balling here or nit picking...but I know I would rather see them than not.
Hey Z.
Working on Thinking out Loud. It's amazing the things you can find on YouTube.
I was just there to support S. He knew where I was and even came and sat in my lap during trophy presentations. Regarding the "neighbor" thing, if my neighbor did what she has done to me & the kids, I'd burn their house down.
I guess I'm not concerned about her seeing me as a great Dad in the hopes of impressing her. I'm past that and I know I'm a great dad. My kids know I love them and know they can depend on me. My D even tries to get me to make promises because "daddy never lies and always keeps his Word". I also don't want to sit there and witness her ignoring life around her so she can play on her phone.
Part of me wonders if she was embarrassed in front of the other families. I made chit chat with other folks and helped some of the moms carrying stuff in and with the wild toddlers running around.
Awesome, that is a fun sounding song project.
It sounds you have a handle on that situation, better than I do for sure. Wishin you a calm rest of the day!
At the Dx appt last week XW also mentioned that the funniest things come out of kids mouths & relayed a story bout a kid that D plays with at S b ball games. The little girl said that her mom get spanked by her dad at bedtime all the time. I just looked at her kinda smiled and said it must be nice and certainly sounds like fun. She got kinda red faced. She's also mentioned fifteen how she's working so much cause she's worried about paying the property taxes $5k+ & hoa dues $5k+.
I don't know if my attitude is starting to affect her. it seems as if she is trying to figure me out. once again on Sat (at soccer games) she invited me to sit with her and again i declined. later on she did the whole "i'm sorry if i offended you" again. and then later she asked if i was mad. both times i smiled at her and said of course not.
i know that she has had a couple of screw ups with the kids that in the past i would have blown up at her about but not anymore. one of them was i was concerned about S having an X box with the internet chat option. well it came back to haunt her as her got involved in a ruor about kids at his school that came out. she's concerned that he may get kicked out. i just told her that i know she's doing the best she can with them and i prolly would've missed the loophole too. she kinda just looked at me. she also said that she had a bad day at work. i told her that i was sorry and i'd be praying for her.
i've made a habit of dressing up and smelling good when she comes to get the kids and leaving before them. my S keeps asking me what i'm doing and i just say i've got plans.
today i taught my D how to ride the bike without training wheels. just another milestone she's chosen herself and selfish interests over. oh well, it's sad but the kids notice these things.
maybe you can tell me what the hell this means. at soccer games this morning, XW said ok lets all go sit over here in the shade. i told her no me and S are gonna go over here to kick. thanks for the invite.once again she asked if i was offended(she's done this several times lately). just said nope. why does she keep asking me that? during the games she would once in a while try to make chit chat and i kinda listened to her but didn't really engage her. she did ask if i wanted to do something with the kids for father's day. i just told her simply that i didn't know if i would even be here then. she asked what was going on and i just let her know that i still don't have a job and she asked what i was gonna do. i started to get upset so as opposed to let her see that i walked off. S did let me know that she is stressed for me not having a job. i'm sure its just financial for her. she just want the child support i bet. when walking to the car she asked if i was mad at her. just smiled at her and said no karen im not mad at you. why does she keep asking me this stuff? i don't think she really cares or she just doing it out of habit? or looking for me to be the bad guy. think she may actually care and this is subconcious way of it revealing itself?
I'm pleasant around her but definitely do not go out of my way to be around her and NEVER initiate contact or conversations. just curious what anyone else thinks.
also, i taught my D to ride a bike in two days!! she loves it!!
"why does she keep asking me that?"
Why shouldn't she? I mean it does sound off putting. Just say "no thanks", smile at her and walk off.
"during the games she would once in a while try to make chit chat and i kinda listened to her but didn't really engage her. she did ask if i wanted to do something with the kids for father's day. i just told her simply that i didn't know if i would even be here then. she asked what was going on and i just let her know that i still don't have a job and she asked what i was gonna do. i started to get upset so as opposed to let her see that i walked off. S did let me know that she is stressed for me not having a job. i'm sure its just financial for her. she just want the child support i bet. "
Mind reading. That's your resentment talking. Having those conversations in your head don't help anyone.
Thanks Mr B. You're right I am resentful at times. Definitely something I need to work on.
Few updates: when I saw her on Father's Day at pickup, I told her I was praying for her(missing her dad). She said that she hates that day and immediately started to cry. I went to her and just hugged her (she hugged back) and said I was sorry. She mentioned that she wishes she had those 45 minutes back (she left hospital at my request 45 minutes prior to his death). I told her I was sorry for my part in that. Hugged her again (closed old this time) & left. Picked up flowers for the kids to give her at drop off (same afternoon)-just right thing to do.
Couple of times since then, she's accused me of trying to influence the kids into guilting her back because in her words "they've had problems" & it's worse after visiting with me. Of course they say the same things to me but I don't mention it except to say "I know it's tough to hear that".
I have a female friend that is gorgeous that wants to date me. Couple of times when she would pick up kids, I would leave at the same time dressed very nice (1x at 1130p). Kids have heard me talk to her confirming plans. The other day, she asked my S where I went after pickup. He said to his friends house & she asked if they had met her(no-I'm not ready to date yet).
At this occurrence^^, she told S that she was dating a doctor she works with (despite her promise to him she wouldn't date) & S would like him due to OM love of dirtbikes & video games. As S volunteered this info, my D (on her birthday) overheard it & melted down. "No daddy, that can't be right! She said they were just friends! How are we gonna be a family again? Please daddy, don't give up, save our family! Mama's worth it!!". She sobbed for 5 minutes.
I'll admit, I'm really hurt over this disclosure. In one of the emails regarding the kids she said "divorce is painful for everyone and hard to accept" & that she wants the kids "vet used to the circumstances". What a selfish, heartless b@$Ch!!
S did say I'm much more attractive than OM is. S saw a pic. The thought of her with another man just keeps running through my mind and it kills me. Well, she wanted a Doc and now she has one. What sux is that since they work together & see each other outside of work that's a lot of time to bond. Can't help but wonder if this was going on when I still lived back home & she was here. Or she coulda been planning it.
Saw this recently and wanted to share.
This does not minimize our part in the problem we all face but tell me if this strikes a cord with you. i'm hoping if we see this in print, we can all get past the why and work on the what's next. If a Walk Away Spouse wrote an honest letter, this is what it would say:
Dear (not really) Spouse,
I’m writing this letter to tell the truth about how I feel since I haven’t been truthful to you in a long time. I hope this answers the why questions for you.
I’m leaving you because you hurt me. I realize that you probably didn’t mean to but I don’t care. I’m sure you had your own hurt to deal with but I was supposed to be more important than you. You hurt me so bad that I would rather be by myself (even though we both know I prolly already have someone else or I will VERY soon) than be with you. You hurt me so BAD. So bad in fact that I never told you because, God forbid, you might change and be a better spouse to me. No, I would rather not tell you because now I can be the perpetual victim. Besides, even though I have changed I don’t believe you would. Yeah, I know that I have a whole new set of friends (those old ones were pesky because they tried to call me on my BS), go out to bars (you kept me from being “free” all those years with those vows and familial expectations, even though I willingly said I do), pay strangers to watch my kids so I can date (but remember the kids are the most important things in my life; I know they are hurt right now but that’s your fault for manipulating them-they’ll get over it soon enough), and I obviously don’t really believe the Bible is the real word of God (vows-whatever; God doesn’t really hate divorce; He’ll forgive me-besides, He’s given me peace since I left you). I haven’t been happy for years and didn’t you know that YOU are responsible for MY happiness. I’ve done for everyone else for years and now it’s time to take care of ME(ME ME ME ME ME). And know that every time something doesn’t go my way, I’m still gonna blame you. The kids know that I love them, in spite of the fact that I’ve placed my wants (all the above) over their needs (a stable, loving family). I’ve resented you for years but I decided to hold the hurt inside because if you really loved me you would have known how hurt I was. I know at times you asked and I said I was fine but you should have known better. So I will walk out the door with a smile on my face while the kids and you have tears streaming down yours. But hey, the important thing is I’VE FOUND MYSELF.
Never Yours,
Spiteful Spouse
update:
nothing really has happened with my sitch. i've decided to have as little contact with her. at pickups, i have the kids come out by themselves and go in by themselve. at soccer games, i sit on the other side of the field. i initiate NO texts or emails and only respond to the important ones. when i do, i usually let her know that i'm praying for her. i had the kids all last week which was awesome. i don't call them when she has them, i let them decide if they are going to call. well they missed me so much, they called sometimes twice a day while she has had them on vacation this week. it's sad that every time i drop them off, they beg me not to give up on mama. i just smile and tell them that i love them.
i realized she blocked me on FB. strikes me as passive aggressive as i unfriended her about 4 months ago. another funny thing, i asked her to have the kids every sun and mon nites as my 2 days a week. of course she went on about how she had most sundays off this month and she has invested herself in taking them to church(except for the past year). i just let her know that i acknowledged that fact in the past and that in the last year the kids and i have loved going to church together.
well, she texted me the days she wants me to take them and she decided to give up most sundays. i pray that she will find her way back to God as she is so lost right now. it's like she has changed her core values so as not to have any guilt for the EVIL plan she carried out. and she expects the kids and i just to go along for the ride and not have our own feelings about it.
really struggling with the hate right now. i can accept my part in all this. and indeed i have owned it. it galls me that she will not/refuses to accept her part and still acts like a victim and like she is a perfect person. makes me want to throw up, but that is between her and God. the kids have seen through her BS.
prayers would be appreciated.
i will note that she has gained prolly 30lbs and is always playing with her phone (per the kids) even at S soccer games. she is involved in some kind of relationship with a man at least 12 years her senior that lives some 6 hrs away and she is lying to the kids about it. the kids even say that she is miserable and my S whom loves her more than anything has a lot of anger towards her. even to the point of refusing to speak to her when she calls and has hung up on her. i, of course, have him call and apologize when he does that. that really shocked her to know that i did that (he told her).