What to do - DivorceBusting.com

Seperated from wife

Tell us your story.

Gonna need a little more to go on there, kellam, LOL.

I lol'd at your post, Starsky

Kellam, welcome to the form. You already won the prize for the shortest opening post!

If you can tell us some more about your sitch, we'll do our best to help. There are some great people on the forum. Some of us just groping our way along, and others who are wise indeed.

Keep posting. You'll get lots of support and advice here.

Toots :-)

Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.

Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380415&page=1

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
(http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2534754&page=1).

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2183063&fpart=1

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

I have just wrote my story and submitted it. Thankyou for any advice you can give me.

Kellam-

We only show 2 posts for you. You will have to enter your story again. Be sure to hit submit.

My wife and I Have been married fifteen years together sixteen years. We have four year old son.
My wife has always been my best friend.
She had always had a some what restless sole, but nothing that caused problems. In late 2012 and early 2013 she became Very emotionally withdrawn from me. Then suddenly physical withdrawn.
I new some of this was my fought for bringing work issues home and not forefilling her needs emotionally.
The more I tried to fix the worse it got.
All the red flags were their of an affair.
I soon discovered she had met a guy online on a job seeking forum.
It was an emotional/physical affair. I caught them together after some heavy investigation. We separated two weeks later and I filed for divorce.
After a week or two she wanted to talk and professed how much she loved me and wanted us to a family again.
We made a new start she had ended affair and proved it to me.
It has been two years ago and we had a wonderful marriage since.
I also used divorce busters at that time. In December of 2014 I took a job in a new state for a promotion.
She had been wanting to move for a while and really pushed it for a new start and to meet people that new nothing of our past.she moved up with our son a month later December 23,2014.
We moved in our new house.
She was so happy and excited. Things were even better.
She does not work and I told her to put our son full time in school so she could have the day to do what she wanted.
She told me she wanted to go to gym like before at night to take a class.
I fully supported this.

I noticed some red flags around the end of January.
She made the comment to me while driving down the road. We needed friends of our own not couple friends all the time. She said she wanted to try some new hobbies that did not include me.
I did not think into it to much but thought this was kind of strange. It seemed that very day she became Very emotionally withdrawn from me again.
I asked her one night soon after in bed was everything ok. She said yes and not to start asking all kind of questions like before in 2013. She says you know that drives me crazy.
She started staying later and later coming in the house with always a new excuse from the gym. I never made big deal of it even though it bothered me. Than found out her car was over at a house near the gym.

She would never tell me her new friends last names and would get very defensive if I asked about them. She has never been able to lye.
She has a guilty look in her face. Then one night she was very concerned before she left for the gym where my son an I were going that night.i told her to a local motorcycle shop.
She even asked me the address.
I noticed that night she was carrying dress up clothes in her gym bag.i waited until next day and looked in her car and the bag with clothes were in front seat. When I confronted her she got very mad and accused me of checking up on her.
Told me she did this deliberately to see if I would check her car.
I asked what was going on she said the famous I love you but I am not in love with you anymore saying.

I was in utter shock.
I asked what we needed to do. Wife tells me she doesn't know how to fix it, but we needed to work on it for our marriage.
The next night she was out with the new friends again. I did not fuss.
Two days later tells me she is going out dinner that with her friend.
I supported this. I knew she was lying again I went by the house and noticed she was there for 45 minutes than left with a guy and his friend in her car.
I waited a couple hours and returned soon they pulled up to the house and went in I walked around back and confronted them.
Wife looks at me mad and said I knew you would come here checking on me because you don't trust me.
We went home and she told she wants a divorce that night so I got some clothes and left.
Two days later she calls wanting me to go marriage couseling but tells me she wants to stay separated for now because she does not know what she wants.
I gave up everything for this move. I realize there was problem in our marriage.

How could she do this and turn on me so quick.
I have begged and pleaded with here up until yesterday to let me come home while we go to couseling. She refuses saying she would be miserable with me there. It's killing me it's been 3 weeks now.
Even though she claims these were friends of hers and they met the others at a birthday party I know she is lying to me.
She tries to blame all this on me. Please give me some input. I broke out my divorce busters book again. How can this be so easy for her. It's like she is already over me. Yes I do believe she is having an affair.

I entered my story here below on the quick reply box under. I hope this was correct i submitted it again last night. I am new here to this site.

Originally Posted By: kellam

I entered my story here below on the quick reply box under. I hope this was correct i submitted it again last night. I am new here to this site.

OK the second time was a charm and your post is now here, I may add some carriage returns to make it more readable.

Sorry, but your wife sounds like she has serious issues. Serial infidelity is above MY pay-grade, and for me personally would be a deal-breaker.

Are you sure this is a woman of quality you want to remain married to? I don't see where she's done ANY of the necessary work -- the introspection and counseling necessary to figure out WHY she turns to sex with other men when she gets antsy, or why she even gets antsy to begin with (I'm not even seeing any serious marital issues, not that those would excuse her decisions?).

I'm as pro-marriage as anyone on this site, but personally I'd do the "let her go" thing. If she does the required work and turns her life around, you could always re-marry her (about 20% of people re-marry their same spouse, with nearly all reporting that the new marriage is better than ever).

Any other dysfunction (infidelity, addictions, etc.) she has had, or in her family?

Sorry to be so blunt, but we might as well plunge right into this.

Starsky

Kellam, I'm sorry for what you are going through.

If it helps, Phunguy's W has just disclosed that she had multiple A's and I posted some comments I had read about this kind of infidelity on his thread.

A single A is hard enough to cope with, and only you know if you want to try and stick with the R, given what has happened.

Keep posting my friend. Others will chime in too.

((Kellam))

Went to counselor today by myself this afternoon. Wife went yesterday by herself at the counselors request. It went good for me. Counselor says wife has a touch of midlife crisis.

Thanks for input. I do love her. She has never had addictions that I am aware off. I don't even know if it was an affair. I am just confused how this happened so fast just after moving here for such a short period of time. It all seems so unreal.

Originally Posted By: kellam

Thanks for input. I do love her. She has never had addictions that I am aware off. I don't even know if it was an affair.

I'm confused. Your long post above describes at LEAST one affair (you said you caught them together?) and then a 2nd event which sounds about 95% like one.

Would multiple affairs be a deal breaker for you?

Starsky

Yes i am having a hard time letting go. Even though i know its something i need to do. I want to believe her about the couseling, but i know deep in my heart no one could really love you and do you this way. I asked the couselor yesterday what she thought. She tells me it can be fixed. That i should not give up.I do realize my wife has some serious issues from her child hood that i feel has to do with some of her actions. Its just hard to walk a way. I know you think i am an idiot.

I have very large heart and love to deep. I am easy to forgive and forget.

I will say she did set up the couseling for us and appears to want to go. Says she has to get help from issues in her past that cause some of the hurtful things she does

Hi Kellam

I think actions are the really important thing here. So your W is saying she wants to get some help, which is great. Does she go ahead and find a source of help? Does she commit to that, start digging deep, work through the pain? Stick at it?

These are the things that really show you how committed your W is to dealing with problems in her own life and problems in your R....

1976T - I get the sense that this will be a journey of learning and self-awareness for you. My own WW cheated on me in 2009 and this time left me for a colleague four weeks after she started a new job. I understand what you mean when you say it all happens so fast. But it happens nevertheless.

You really look like someone who would benefit from reading No More Mr. Nice Guy. Perhaps you're already familiar with it?

Also, look deep down why you love your WW so much, despite what she's done to you. In my case, my IC helped me realize that I have a lot of insecurities around women and that this means I believe I need to accept whatever my WW does because I'll never find another one like her. I have detachment and boundaries issues, much like you.

Make sure you read a lot around here because what you're going through is not as unique as it feels. I would recommend the sitches of TenBook, Barry, Closer2 and Fogg at this stage. Look at the success stories at the top of my thread to understand their arc. It takes time and patience.

Finally, please create a signature to let us know about your age, that of your W, children, marriage, etc. It helps a lot to tailor the advice to your sitch. Go to "My stuff", "Edit profile" to create it.

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

We are having very little phone or text contact some days none at all. It all seems so easy for her which i cant understand. It is almost as if she is already over me. I know i have to give her space to figure things out. Its just amazing how she does not seem to even miss me. I have quit all begging and pleading with her. This hard to do. I have read the DB book twice, and couselor said would be best for me to do.

Hi.

Sorry you find yourself here 1976, I'd heed the advice above though and say this is one of the best groups of people you could wish for to help you through this.

I'm not a veteran so my advice is all around my own experience, I'd always put it below that of the vets who'll pop in to advise you.

My sitch has been ongoing since last July and although its somewhat improving I'm still separated and contact with w and practising detachment (a word you're going to hear a lot) is the part I've struggled with the most from the early days (I now know during which w thought she'd be happy to never see or talk to me again) through to our now quite frequent contact.

Understand, as I didnt, right now your w isnt your w, she may be done, think she is done or at least hardened to you or maybe taking time to work on how she feels. Try not to mind read and guess what she's doing, as you have done just give her space and start working on you for now.

My sitch has no third person in it that there's ever been a trace or admission of (and this far in with s coming back and forth from wife it would be apparent by now) but has some issues I cant raise on the forum for w's privacy which I wont violate. I'd agree with Mozza though add a signature so we can quick reference your sitch, those recommendations sound good too.

I read NMMNG and did some work on my boundaries and expectations early on. I had huge co-dependency and self worth issues caused by undiagnosed depression and it was one of the first things I started to deal with in quite a lot of counselling last year. Its still one of the hardest things I've gone through but Im coming out of it a better version of me than I have been for a very long time.

Finally, try not to panic, breathe and relax or practice trying to do so. Its a horrible feeling being where you are which everyone here will know from personal experience (even allowing for differences in sitch). So when you get some advice know its coming not from a dry source but from hard won progress or experience. Definitely make sure you get and read (and re read) the books though as its easy to mis-apply advice if you dont.

Above all realise that you can only affect YOU here which is what DB is about, its not a way to change or manipulate anyone (as Cadet and Wonka say above) nor is it a magic wand, you can examine and change and better you in any way possible. You cannot flip a switch and change your w's feelings or intentions, she must do that herself if its to happen.

Take it easy and post back soon.

Sending you positive thoughts.

Edz

Thankyou so much. People that are not going through this on the outside just dont understand the pain and heart ache that comes with this. I hope my wife and i can evently be able to start with some commnication too. I hope the best for you. Please keep me informed of your progress if you dont mind.

I believe or i should say i know i was too dependent on my wife for happiness and forgot how to make my self happy. I am in the process of trying to find that again now. Too bad i did not realize this before. Thanks for the advice.

No problems 76 (as I shall call you

) feel free to pop into my threads (I'm on my 17th right now - they lock after ~ 100 posts) may be of help or at least show some progress Ive made (and the reverse at times).

You can access them by clicking on my name

<------------- thataway and selecting posts then going through the pages. Dont try private messaging its disabled on these boards for good reasons.

Things will get better, it may not seem like it, they may not be in the shape you want right now, they certainly wont be the same as they were but its an opportunity to make them better than that. You dont have control right now to say that will be with your w but you can shape everything else about that future so work on that, on you, for now

Take it easy.

Yesterday was quite hard day for me with not being with my wife and son. She had made plans for him whitch did not incliude me. The holidays can be a depressing time when life hits you with marritial issues. I know i have to be postive and control my emotions toward her so she can figure this all out without me persuing he. I have done this for a week now giving her space she has asked for. Its still hard though, but i know i must do this.

So you think you are staying out of the house a few days, while it gives her the space she wants, then you'll go home?

Sorry to tell you, but the whole "needing space" was just to get you out. She has no intentions of letting you go back home.

We have been going to couseling for three weeks now. Wife claims other man just friend from group she hangs out with. My 4 1/2 year old knows to much about him. Wife and I had a fuss when I confronted her about this. Said she did not know what she wanted and it was over and I should get a attorney. So I did. The next morning she contacts me to tell me she was only mad when telling me that. She says we need to talk. I went to couseling by myself. Couseler tells me that these people she has been hanging out with are all just party friends. That this is a form of midlife crisis not to give up. So I finally called wife back last night to talk as she wanted. Asked her would she be willing to go back to couseling and do the seperation time correctly. She agreed to go back to the couseling. Says she does miss me and feels safe seeing me at couseling. I have been a little crazy lately. Says she is not ready for us to be alone. That we must follow the couselers guide lines. She also tells me that she would not feel comfortable with any type of physical relations between us because it would send mixed emotions. I have not tried or asked for any type physical relations since seperation. How can I tell if she is really putting forth an effort. I have to be seperated a year in the state we live before we can get a divorce unless I file on adultry. I have a attorneys appointment today. Feel like I should go ahead and file, but also feel like I would be making a mistake doing so quickley. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

My brain tells me to go ahead and end it. Because I know I will get better. But my heart want let me. I still love my wife and my young son so much. I know everyone wonders this when they have the bomb dropped, but I have this question that I will never know. How could the love of my life and my best friend turn on me and break my heart with no care in the world. She carries on as if she never knew me as if I am a stranger to her with no love in her eyes. Why can't I feel that way. I will never love this hard again or give my heart away like I did to anyone.

She has done this MULTIPLE times, correct?

I'm not seeing where you ever answered my previous confusion on this issue. Has she not had multiple affairs over the years?

Starsky

Kellam

Consider moving back into your home. Your Wayward Wife should be moving out not you. This is very tough but keep posting and we can support each other here. My partner too chases other relationships and it is very painful and confusing.

Can you also do me a favour would you go to my stuff at the bar at the top of the page and complete your tag. That is the part at the bottom of each post which has ages, kids, length of M etc. That is very helpful to fellow Dbers.

V

She had affair in 2012. We got back together and found the love and friendship we had before. I am not perfect by any means, but I followed all the rules I had learned on how to be the emotioal supportive husband I should be. So yes she had one affair before this. But with this new job and move I had not been the husband I could have been laying a lot of respond ability on her that I should have been doing as the leader of the house.

This may sound crazy but I think it would hurt at this point to move back in the house. At least I know my son is there and safe for now and in his room he has gotten to know and feels safe in.

76,

So time for a bit of a pep talk. I read through here and saw myself 8 months ago. Go back and read my threads if you want. I was just as confused (then again it seems we all are) I saw how calm and collected W was and was like "Wow, she's done..done" I didn't even know there was any problems in our M.

76, our WW have prepared for this; its scripted. They felt comfortable with the BD. But if you're like most of the sitches here, LBS and WW are total opposites during BD heading in different directions. WW are bold and confident and then the clock starts ticking on the downward spiral, it seems like most WAS referenced here get worse as time goes by...why? Because their unhappiness is in themselves. Running away from a H/M/kids is not changing that.

On the other hand, we are at the lowest point (I literally was in a fetal position crying on the sofa in front of my mom a few days after BD) and then we start getting 'better.' Better is not the right term probably improving is more relevant, but we do. It seems like about 3-4 months after BD, is where we (WAS/LBS) tend to be at the same points as we pass each other, both miserable. Then they get continue to get worse and we continue to get better. And (I just posted this somewhere else) God Willing, they get to a point that they realize that they still have the same feelings they were trying to run from and then....get help.......then and only then does the path seem to have the ability to start to mend. But none and I mean absolutely, positively none of this can we control. I read these things and thought "nah, my sitch is different, I can just talk to her and she'll come back" That was 8 months ago (to the day, now that I think about it)

76, its tough, but look out for 76. Get out, take the kid(s) out, hang out with people. Its gut wrenching, but like I said, its the first step to improving.

You can do this.

Thankyou, MCS those are encouraging words. How is your wife now with your marrital situation. Have you seen any improvements.

As I last stated in my post. Wife has agreed to go back to couseling. She has informed me that we will have no physical relations during this time because of the emotions it will cause. Wife says we will follow only couselers guide lines. Also still telling me she does not no what she wants. I feel the reason she wants no physical contact is because this would start the hole process of the seperation agreement over for the year we have to be seperated for her to file foe divorce. I have not signed any paper from her lawyer yet. She is really pushing me to sign this giving her primary custody of my son. She has a fear I will try and take him away. It looks to me that if she really wanted to work on the marriage she would have never had an agreement drew up wanting me to sign. Also she wants very little contact with me. I do have an attorney that knows all this also. Could someone please give me some advice. How should I handle this. Do I wait or move on. If I wait and take a chance hoping she will wake up what do I do and how do i act. I do believe there is another man that's more than friends as she says that is one of the members of her new friends group.

I truly believe she does not have good intentions for our marriage. Please give some input.

Originally Posted By: 1976 T

I truly believe she does not have good intentions for our marriage. Please give some input.

What would make you think otherwise, she had an A she wants to leave the M. 1976, you're going to have to do this on your own it for a while. I know it's not what we want, but 90% of the WW there are not looking at their marriage when they walk away. Have you read DB for DR look at it takes one to tango.Read on here about WW, and how they are in a fog. There's little you can do to get them out of the fog. Now the time to protect yourself, your kid, and your assets. Why would you think you shouldn't see a lawyer.

Originally Posted By: 1976 T

I truly believe she does not have good intentions for our marriage. Please give some input.

Then move on. Serial infidelity is an EXTREMELY tough nut to crack, and that's WITH the person wanting to change and getting the help of a good individual -- and marriage -- counselor.

I also think her "no physical relations" thing is because she doesn't want to "cheat" on her OM. Twisted, yeah I know, but that's pretty much SCRIPT.

PROTECT YOURSELF.

Starsky

Even if you don't "move on" you must "move forward" and live your life,
My suggestion is to live "as if" she is never coming back.
What do you want your life to look like?

No matter what the old life and marriage is dead!

I have read DR and DB twice and applying these techniques. When I carried my son up we calmly discussed our finances and how we would do this during our seperation. I calmly asked her if it was over in her head to just let me go and I would accept that and move on. She informs me that she does not no what she wants again and hates to go and decide on divorce and then regret it in three months. The only thing I can do is let her live her life without doing all the wrong moves which have stopped doing a couple of weeks ago. Does anyone have any other advice for me how can I turn this around to put the ball in my court just a little bit. It maybe to late to apply some of the plans in the DR book. She is a special case.

I just saw new post. Thanks for the advice. I guess it's time give up on the marriage and move on.

It's hard to let go in my heart. Is there anything I can do to turn this around. I would think she has some hope for us. Why want she just end it with me.

Kell

Standing for your M standing for you. This means not wanting your old M but a new improved one.

Kell, you stand for you. You DB for you. You stand for something new, different, a future.

Your WW wants an A or multiple A. I still stay move back in and WW will have to begin to suffer the consequences. There are many wonderful dads here who look after their children and live in their home. Dads can be the best option to care for their children.

V

76,

I read through your thread, and the folks who have replied to you have given good advice. I know it's hard, but you have to let go. You can only work on you, and by doing that, you may draw her back to you. She has things of her own to work out, and you can't really help her with that. Back off, respect it, and use the time to reflect and grow.

A basic principle of DB is to work on yourself, better yourself, in order to be the best "you" that you can be. Become someone only a fool would leave. It may bring your W around, it may not. But, if you truly better yourself, in the end, you will be okay either way.

Detach! Detach! Detach! It is going to be the hardest step, and your ability to do it will cycle, until you really start to be okay with it. GAL activities will help as well.

Don't let your feelings cloud your mind. It will happen often, but you need to think things through to determine the true source. You need that logic to help you through this.

Example: My wife is in an active EA/PA with a coworker, our son has very likely already met this "friend", and it kills me that she thinks that is OK. But, logic dictates that I need to set a boundary for that, even though my heart tells me I should plead with her not to do it. I have to let logic rule that decision, because she does not care what is in my heart at the moment.

You have to begin to command respect and not be a doormat for her wishy-washy "unsure" statements. She is trying to keep you hooked, and so far, she has been successful. Don't let it continue to be that way.

Hi 1976, I saw your message on another thread. Actually, I have been checking on your stitch, and see where you and W are separating. I hear your desperation, 1976. I know you must be scared, but sometimes a separation works for the good of the couple. I know you reached out to me......and it causes me to feel a special burden in my heart for you. I cannot give any specific step that will granatee a remedy for your situation, but I will be glad to give you advice from the viewpoint of a WW.

Whenever I read about a woman having more then one EA, it causes me to believe she is searching for emotional fulfillment, and maybe she thinks it will come from some man. Of course, there is always the possibility that there are deeper issues at play. Do you have information that might give you clues about past relationships, and if she bounced from one guy to another fairly frequently? (Sorry, I can't go back and check your posts ATM,)

Some women have what I think of as the "Prince Syndrome". (I just made that up). In other words, she believes the man is out there who can make her experience the ending of a fair tale. You know old fairy tales always ended with the words......"and they lived happily ever after". So, she goes from one frog to the other, kissing them and hoping to find her prince, who bring this everlasting happiness.

You said the two of you had been each other's best friend, right? I think being friends with our spouse is certainly an added bonus in M. However, what I have seen in threads over the past eight years, are M's where couples bond in friendship.......and then the W begins to want more. She has lost romantic feelings for her best friend husband and is desperate to have those "in love" feelings. The H usually fits the "Nice Guy" profile and what attracted her in the beginning seems to have disappeared and a more passive behavior took his place in the M.

Let me be as blunt as I know how. Women are not sexually attracted to passive men. They may make good friends, but not good lovers. If you became passive, she lost attraction for you. So, start now in setting yourself aright and do not display passive type behaviors or attitudes.

Another thing I see a lot in the threads here, are men who have become dependent on their R with their W to point of excluding other friendships and/or activities in life. This seems especially true when they were BFF's. Therefore, the MR is not near as healthy as they thought, and when she wants out......he is so desparate to keep her that he makes all the wrong moves.

It is critical that you lose the desperation. This M is already gone. She is gone. You can't lose what you don't have. You are wanting a miracle that will fix everything, but It has been my experience that people have to work hard to have a good M. If you will work hard to do what we advise, you can have a good M in the future, and perhaps with this woman.....who knows. But it's not going to happen right now. She has too much she has to learn from the school of Hard Knocks. Your job is to get out of the way of her education that life will teach her.

Most newcomer men want to do some action to feel that they are actually working to save the M. However, it is often challenging to get men to understand the real work that's needed. It seldom is the picture they had in mind. You have to calm yourself and stop feeling panicky over her leaving. You can't hear what others are saying, or what you read from the books b/c you are set on ultra high speed. Know what I mean?

So.......within this long post I have told you at least three big work projects. Did you see it? I'll give ya a recap. 1). End any passive type behavior. 2). Stop the desperation. 3). Get out of her way. Do you think you can handle it?

Oh, let me add another one (and I have more to come). Stop taking the blame for her affairs! She is responsible for her own actions.

Read my last post before reading this one.

Quote:

I calmly asked her if it was over in her head to just let me go and I would accept that and move on. She informs me that she does not no what she wants again and hates to go and decide on divorce and then regret it in three months.

You have it completely backward. The only chance in hades you stand with her is for you to dump her......and dump her quick and hard enough to be effective.

I promise it is much more effective, in the long run, than what you are doing at the moment. But no games, you have to do it for real............and not to get a reaction from her.

She not only is wayward, but she's a serial cheater now. If you play the part of her victim, standing there and pleading for her to let you go.........she will kill you slowly before devouring you.

No speeches, no long talks, no grand announcements, b/c that will ruin the effect. Just do it. You do remember how, right?