part 12 was about to lock so here's lucky for some part 13
Wed just been discussing the 80s after the untimely death of visages Steve strange (rip) and on my sitch communications blackouts and chatter as well as a look back at my childhood and problems with controlling grandparents I had.
Look out for black cats and ravens....
Just saw you pop in to part 12 toots. Dd is w's favourite of all time we went to the all you need is now tour to see them a few years back.
Rara skirt eh? Yup remember those all right.
I always liked 13. It worked for me.
Oh yes Gg, do tell!
When I got tickets with 13 on them, I often won stuff.
Or won bingo on that as the last number to win.
Aha, never win anything with or without a 13 so cant really comment. So far got a 1.2% pay increase call today..so, yay?
Extra cash!
Never goes amiss in my book, congrats Edz way above inflation.
Extra chicken BFT? Don't mind if I do says BFT.
V
Hi V, yup glad to have my job in the first place so extra money is gravy, never have enough for bills but does anyone (whos not a footballer)
BFT never says no to anything, well, bar baths and getting off comfy places.
Mmmmmmm money is nice, it helps make things better and easier.
W just called asking can I have s tonight as she's painting skirting boards and would like a head start, so no gym today but possibly sunday. We may go swimming tomorrow though, need to get him some new trunks first.
So all change on the plans front
Aaaand s settled after a busy old evening. Home made cheeseburgers and salad, s had his bath we listened to his CDs together and watched some minecraft videos and hes settled in bed.
After an early start this morning bft and I have now headed for an early crash out this evening ahead of an expecte busy day tomorrow
We dropped off a small box of chocs on WS doorstep and s rang the bell before we drove off this evening, no card from w for me but then wasn't expecting one so ok..
Oh yes, have new neighbours. They'd been waiting for completion and finally moved in today, dropped a bottle of wine round to welcome them.
Cheeeeeese burger in a bun? With fries?
BFT advise please.
V
No fries just some salad but yes extra mature chedder cheeseeeeeeeeeeeburgers
Mmmmmmmm
Good morning all
And,yes,its valentine's day, so make sure you're good to you today. Those of us lucky enough to be with our kids today go and build new memories and maybe traditions (at least if I can get s up this morning
) those not spend some time and effort on loving who you are and can be.
Its not easy, were bombarded with multi million advertising campaigns and judge ourselves against where we want to be, some of us are then hard on ourselves and think we've failed, its not true, no one is an off the shelf life and nor should we be dont try to be another hallmark cutout. All our sitches are different but we all know the fear and sadness. Today don't, be happy and be confident and love those you can be with and especially yourselves.
To all my friends - and you are - here, have a great day.
Edz
Good sentiments Edz. V day is everybloomin'where. I published my plan for the day already.
OK...wait...where is my cheeseburger? Surely you would share after I shared cheesecake on my birthday.
Homemade cheeseburgers are one of my very favorite meals!
Edz, I so enjoy reading your posts, as I find them very inspirational and uplifting. I like seeing a male point of view and I treasure your sense of humor that always sees the light side of things. Thanks for "being here"!
Happy Valentine's Day to you too. Treat yourself well today!
Bacon and mushrooms dawn and with chedder or Stilton? Bun toasted (steady now!)
I'm very glad I found this place, I'm not going anywhere yet
Cheeeeeese burger in a bun? With fries?
BFT advise please.
V
I'm sure I've seen BFT, or similar, on t'interwebs saying 'I can has cheezburger?'
(Surely you won't have to google it :-)
Good evening all
A busy one today. Made s breakfast and checked some post and mail (got voting registration etc sorted at last) and we headed out for a walk.
Not far from me as you may recall is a shopping centre which has among others a pet store plan was to get a fish for sons tank (from the garage this week). S like many other 10 year olds is not big on walking "oh my leg" "I'm tired" "can't we go in the car". Anyway we headed out and noticed the shop next door had a homewares sale on (we were looking for a duck for the bath for reasons I am unsure of right now but s seemed insistent) anyway found a great bargain on a metallic red large kitchen bin (wanted another so I can use the current for recycling). Anyway was going to leave it but s said " daddy you should do it for yourself" made me chuckle so got it and we decided to walk back drop it off and head out in the car to the bigger pet place (think s had his eye on McDonalds next door).
Off we drove and yes he had a double cheeseburger, just a shake for me before we headed for the pet store. So one guppy and new aquarium gravel bag later we headed off to pick up the adapter for the fish filter pump and back we came.
Cleaned up the tank and acclimatised the new fish to it and hes all settled in, s insisted on posting him to Facebook too so we did. So now I have bft and a black guppy under my wing in S's absence
New neighbours had parked in my space so had a word and they told me the main (shared) drain is backed up. Said I'd let the landlord know (they bought, I rent so I've passed it on).
S and I played street fighter on mame (retro games for the win) hes way too good for my liking. Anyway then got the pizza and salad sorted along with a Belgian bun each mmmm.
Had heard nothing from w on s but I hadn't contacted her, assumes a. Shed let me know if she wanted to change anything and b. She was decorating. Still felt cr@ppy she hadnt contacted me for v day but then it was also completely expected she wouldnt.
Anyway she had texted me while we had been busy and followed it up with a call to me. Shed been busy decorating as I thought. She had no issues with s wanting to stay (he'd said thats what he wanted and I was happy with this but I play slightly careful to ensure w is comfortable going forward) we had a short chat and w said why would she have any issues. Calmly said that I knew she had had issues with the whole staying over and I therefore make sure she's comfortable, that I think s and I have made wonderful progress but I still respect her concern that she showed around bd. She has opened the card and had a couple of chocolates, I didn't dig too deep into her thoughts just said we can talk sometime when she wants to. And let her go. So s is finishing some time on minecraft before we settle and he heads for bed.
Dont need to drive so opened the shiraz, some now and I'll have a bath later and some more.
Could have been a lot worse day, been busy got a shiny new bin a new fish in the house and s for the evening.
Felt a little sad w is putting lots of effort into decorating a new room for s as its clear she has no intention of changing her mind (outwardly anyway) any time soon but that tunnel holds no cheese so in the box it goes.
Thats me for now anyhoo, hope you guys have had a good one and been taking good care of yourselves today
Raise my glass, cheers!
Ha, od, bft wouldn't ask the cheeseburger would just slowly move off being dragged to a place of predetermined munching when no one. Was looking.
Sounds like a really good day with S. Lovely. Glad for you both. No need to say it but treasure him !
Take care Rd
Hi Edz - glad you guys had a good day....plus a new member of the household! What does BFT make of it? Is he (she?) sitting entranced by the aquarium?
Its the same tank s had in his room at the flat so bft is familiar she does occasionally get interested but not in an I'm going to eat you little fishie way, think she's happier to just hunt ham and chicken in her bowl
Hi rd oh I do, I do every day nowadays
Hi edz, thought I'd pop over here to avoid any more hijacking, not totally caught up on your sitch yet but it does sound like a nice Valentine's Day. Really enjoyed your message to BDers as well - very positive.
Glad you and s enjoyed the day!
Afternoon all, been a very busy day, lots going on. Getting s ready to go back to w
but cant complain. Will post back later.
Well evening all.
So today has been a busy one. Started off with a conversation with the landlord over the drains hes heading over tomorrow to take a look at the drain issues, doesn't necessarily need me to be here tomorrow but may well be not sure I want to go into the office tomorrow as among other things I need to go to the pet store, fishy didn't make it for some reason no idea why water pH is ok and temp and food was fine no sign of any issues except floating. S didn't catch it as it was not long before he was heading back
Anyhoo after this morning s and I had a nice breakfast of bacon sandwiches and then we needed to go out and get a few bits for baking. W called me at this point.
On the phone for an hour. W went into the fact she's worried she's losing s as he builds his r with me, she also seemed worried she's losing me to a smaller extent as well as other problems she's tackling (nb thing wasn't mentioned and I'm not bringing it up).
For the losing s part had to balance validation and support with reality. She is losing him to a degree the 100% time she had him before bd is done, I have him here in the current situation and will never exclude him like I did before.
Didnt go into lots of detail but said if we move forward together it will be as the three of us, if we go down another route then we would have to work out how he spends his time. Reassured her I understand completely, in my dark days this is how I felt about her as it felt s had her full time its not easy to deal with.
She's ultimately happy that s is happy and he is so is accepting some of that time and control coming to me. She's also worried that she's with him working and then he looks to being with me as all the fun, even that he'd move in with me given the option right now she followed that with a flat no thats not happening.
On the rest she's less focussed. I dropped back to a version. Of "this isn't what I want but.." The other day I was talking about car spaces when new neighbours parked in my second space, as part of the reasons I was keen they understood it was for here I just said I may need it for somebody else to park in (at the time meaning w parking here, nb not necessarily as living here but dropping s off etc) she brought it up in conversation, we were talking about quelling S's worries about the future, I'd said I hadn't and won't promise anything I can't deliver so effectively just m and d love him and always will, i stop there with s since beyond that who knows what the future looks like so I won't promise more.
This is where w brought up that comment saying I wanted it for someone else to park there, pointed out I'd meant her she said oh. Didn't go down the you could move here kind of route, that would be pursuit and push her away, she knows she could I dont need to say it again.
So short version apart from talking about her job who are being awkward on her leaving and that stressing her, the rest was an affirmation on my position. I dont want us to divorce, I can't however control her and ultimately she must decide on how she wants to proceed I will meantime carry on building my future. She confirms the change in S's relation with me and as I'd suspected she's scared at no longer having him all the time (the first time she's acknowledged this) so,progress.
I really dont read she wants to divorce but equally she's not ready to look into any kind of reconciliation either.
Still a good talk and I confirmed she can talk to me about this any time but I did reaffirm I can't indefinitely be a plan b, this isn't a time issue as we talk and I'm not interested in any kind of ultimatum, she just needs to work out what she wants. Im meantime getting on with moving forward
So that heavy morning out the way s and I went out and then baked Brownies before I then cooked roast pork with 4 veg and Yorkshire pudding.
S and I did some English sheets this afternoon then some games while I did some washing and changed bedsheets etc.
Anyway took him back to w and had a small glass of wine as I was driving, after a little while I made my exit, saying had to feed the bft, w wasn't going to talk as s was there and I felt I could be being read as pursuit if I hung around without further invitation.
So now back have some more wine and the TV on. Lots to think over from this morning, w doesn't seem to want to move to d doesn't seem to be moving on to op, no mention of thing, confirmed the worry on "losing" s now I'm fully engaged with him again but no thoughts on reconciling yet.
I'm a confused bear...
Hi Edz....all very interesting....
Sounded like it was a pretty good talk all in all. Sounds like you did well with the listening and validating and so on & that your W isn't really sure what she wants at this stage.
Still, you're not in a bad place IMO. If she was all set on moving to D, I'm sure this would have been an opportunity to say that. Plus, to have taken place after you sent the V card is a reasonable sign.....Sounds like she is feeling the consequence with your S - but that's the reality when you decide to S. You only get to live with your kids part of the time.
Don't know what else to say Edz...I guess time will tell. But it sounds as though you're doing the right stuff. My advice would be any time you've done a little pursuit, like the card - draw back and see what happens with your W. Is she warmer, cooler and so on.
Hey, sorry about little fishy - that's a shame :-(
Thanks toots, it's all puzzling. I can say the bottle of wine I'm presently finishing along with this season of elementary is helping dull it all a bit.
Shame about fishy yes, really dont know what happened there no sign of anything maybe just shock on water change from the shop, poor little thing
Sounds like a great chat to me, Edz. Now just try not to fall into the Monday slump!
Hi edz,
sounds very interesting indeed. I can see why it would also be really confusing. Its certainly going to test your detachment, it might be worth having a plan for tomorrow to help avoid any slump.
With the card and restating it isn't what you want I think toots is right and you need to make sure you give her plenty of space.
Glad youve had a positive weekend (except for the fish).
You need to finish the season you're on as the new one starts on Tuesday.
Take your time. Catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
Drinking a glass of wine myself and watching Ted.
Easy tiger..........
By the way a new documentary on big cats coming soon, taken 10 years in the making. Just for BFT.
My little black cat was riveted by the wildlife programs on the TV.
Hi guys
Tiger, haven't been called that in a while v!
Bft is presently snoring on my foot. She has had some fun lately if I queue up mouse videos on youtube on my tablet lots of big eyes and ear twitching!
Oddly no slump tonight as such, I'm lonely but nothing new there, theres a difference between that and the need I had before which is much less these days.
Miss s tonight but that's more because hes so great, I know w was missing him today, glad she's talked to me today and so glad she's talked to me about this. May not have been r talk as such at least what lbs wants to talk about but its talk, change, regardless its got to be a good thing rather than limbo.
Anyway I'll be checking in guys got some daft new things I may try this week just for the change, money has to work out though my next big challenge..
Oh Jim you're assuming I'm watching uk pace
Onto us house of cards now
So, don't keep us in suspense Edz....what daft new things might you try this week??!
Morning
Nope, will tease you all with those
need to get some money issues sorted first and working today along with drains people coming. All connected to swimming and pma I'll leave that thread hanging there.
Sounds like we have similar weather to you today Toots grey, grey, grey and raining in spurts - urgh
So fell sleep watching house of cards last night really enjoying that, was split as I loved the original UK version and wasnt keen on a US remake but its Kevin Spacey so gave it a go, up to about the 4th episode (fell alseep at this point) really great.
This morning I paid for the late night though groggy with the alarm doesnt cover it, still will get a break and make coffee soon.
Otherwise got to go up to the pet store at lunch time, aforementioned drains (fish and these arent connected) and making a curry with chicken and the leftover veg and pork from yesterday tonight.
Add in some more House of Cards thats the current plan!
Nothing from w since last night, suppose I'll now get the flipside of all the conversation from yesterday with little contact, will just need to suck it up for now. It did feel very cathartic yesterday having that call, I do feel after thinking (not obsessing) it over that the whole issue of s not being about all the time is now biting at her, as you said toots her not having the opportunity to be around s every day is a consequence of leaving, while we stay as we are she wont see him mostly at weekends (as she wants to h.e. in the week) if we move to divorce it will mean doing what a few divorced h.e. people I've looked into do, on "holidays" s could come to me and I'd book leave as well as me having him for some education trips, maybe swimming and exercise as well as the odd week where I book some time and we do his teaching.
I dont think w is ready to not see s for 7 days or so though. We touched upon this yesterday without specifics (I was also keen she direct the conversation as much as possible rather than me push) and yes, if we reconciled we would all be together even if w or i took s out "for the day" etc he would be coming back. However we didnt dwell on that and I need w to commit to any reconciliation being for both of us not *just* to resolve being around s.
Anyway she's not at a decision yet, Im not sure when or if she'll get there. My point to her yesterday was to reaffirm my position, I dont want to d, that s and I have and re rebuilding and that I just want her to decide what she needs to do. If it involves reconciliation I'll be there 100% but we both need to want to do that for it to work.
Edz
Just let W observe your behaviour with S.
Edz, you draw this to her attention and this is unnecessary, it is almost as if you think it might be reversible. And it isn't, Edz act as if W can see all your actions with S and relax about this.
You can cease reminding W that you are a great dad, because you are.
V
Thanks V kind of you to say.
Yes its not very clear in that now i read it back (tablet typing in a rush) w brought it up not me, try not to shout about my 180s or they are more showing off than demonstrations.
She brought it up by saying her primary issue was s being happy and he clearly is with me, that she honestly thinks given half a chance he'd move in.
I then said we'd worked hard and will continue on our relationship but nothing else really. Tricky to get down in a posting as it was a very "wriggly" conversation between our r, s her work and everything else going on!
Your W knows, it is a change!
She appeared to have wanted the change, and her behaviour indicates this.
W will adapt to this change: excuse the pun but it is a game changer.
So was not mentioned, apologise did not understand this. low key though so as to ease even more transitions. Edz, drop the prejudging about 7 days, just carry on as your changes are working for you.
V
Hi V
yes you're right I dont want w deciding what i would or wouldnt do now, best I dont do it either. I'll concentrate on working on me and how I work and relate to others.
Thanks for the fuzzy velvet cushioned 2x4
Mmm dinner was goooood, used up the veg and pork from last night with some cooked off chicken breast and a curry paste then sweated down and added to boiled rice.
Mmmm.
Sooooo full now though. Was good left the naan in the freezer since I had rice.
W emailed me with a picture of S's room. Bed looks nice as its the one from the flat which has his storage sections. Couldn't see all of the room, nice colour but from what I can see its more a play room. Of course the apartment has bigger bedrooms. Well hey I'm happy with his room here and he loves it even if its small. A little sad he has two and w's hard work and effort doesn't point to any r soon, ah well I'm not obsessing, very chilled tonight (and very full of curry!)
Big big news on bft she's in her radiator bed, got this for her when we moved every week I put her in it every week she jumps down. Tonight she's in a snuggled fluffy ball in there. Sent w an emailed pic she said shall she send (her cat) over as they used to fight over one many years ago and her cat would sit underneath and poke bft in the behind to get her out!
Anyway just chilling now. No alcohol tonight (just being good have red wine in the kitchen) as I'm watching the consumption this week.
Ahhh, the lure of the sofa was just too strong she has moved over and is now back to wrestling for cushion space with me!
w's hard work and effort doesn't point to any r soon
Maybe, but from what you tell us, she's sounding a little jealous of your R with S. Maybe this is her way of trying to level the playing field? A sign of her discomfort rather than comfort? She did after all send you a photo of said room!
Hi g
There's probably something to that. Honestly I dont know and I'm trying not to mind read I know I felt like this about s visiting before Christmas so I'm open to change coming when I'm not expecting it.
Evening edz. how is house of cards?
i'm going to leap in with 4 different interpretations of the photo your wife sent you of S bedroom
1) she is really proud of her handywork and wanted to share with you
2) she is settling in on permanent basis
3) she is worried about S' relationship with you and is getting competitive
4) she wants you to be involved in all the aspects of S' life
or something else entirely.
No way to know so no point trying, relaxing with BFT is a much better plan. I'm a little sceptical about your curry recipe for this evening though.....
Mmm curry was yummmmmmm
I think my guess on w is somewhere between 1 and 4 and/or all the others. Honestly just relaxing this evening, I want her to want to work with me to r but for now I'll just work on me. I know 1 is true, 3 is true that started with the PlayStation etc she's always said 4 before during and after bd (this is the one I'd say is the likely one and I'd pick it over the others tbh). 2 well 2 is anyone's guess, unless she's obfuscating I dont think w knows about 2. As with all things time will tell I suppose.
House of cards is excellent if you like political dramas, west wing, uk house of cards or similar, on episode 11 two more and I'll have to see if season 2 is available to view!
Morning all.
Sunny morning this morning. Could have done without being awoken by bft redistributing last nights supper on the stairs but never mind.
Working from home as they are rodding the drains today (nice!) so tea and kettle getting a workout for the builders this morning.
Didnt have the begining of the week slump this week which was good, started a new exercise regime at home (nothing manic just stretches and some work on the muffiny areas which seem reluctant to move with swimming). Bit achy from that today but we'll see how that goes, swimming tomorrow so may splurge for the hot spa as well although money is horribly tight to the end of the month.
Feeling a little down today, its a different layer of the onion today though, not the same just feels a bit like im stuck on a very long dark road and dont know whats more than a few feet ahead, I suppose even if w is interested in reconciling Im not sure how we get from separate places to moving forward. I put some thought into this, I sat down and though OK Edz how did we get together and realised we were very open from day one. Sleeping on each others sofas (we were in different counties at the time) if we were out late, different times obviously.
Coming up on the 7 month mark of living alone now, nothing for some of you I know, but I do feel different now. Thanks to my councelling and working on myself the dependency monster seems to have taken a holiday, I dont feel the way I did in needing someone to validate me but I do miss being part of a partnership and having that closeness (as well as everything that goes along with it).
Still not thinking about dating, Im still holding out for my M right now though I know I cant be wifes plan b forever, right now Im just relaxing, calming myself rather than getting wound up in having to attach myself to w or someone else.
Had a long chat with my dad the other night who kept bringing the conversation back to what was happening (I dont get them involved as much as possible as much as they care and want to help it wouldnt help to keep things smooth for w and ultimately they help me enough with practicalities and just being there) he kept saying I should just say what does w want and start looking for someone else. I didnt want to get into this with him and so didnt. Right now ultimatums, forcing decisions etc is a cheeseless tunnel. The best I can imagine is getting a very fast 'no' by taking that approach so not going there.
Hi Edz, your last few lines re forcing decisions, etc is completly how I feel. If your W was ready, you would know. As others have said on here, its upto the WAS to want to comeback and work, no point in them coming back half aresd or for the wrong reasons.
Your sounding strong.
Take care, RD
Thanks RD, yes most things are ok. Money is a problem but I have some plans for rejigging. Have a thread of lonliness at the moment, I'd like someone to share times with, I have been out with friends at the office more, GAL swimming etc (didnt get to the gym yet as Ive wonderfully been quite busy with s) but throughout Im feeling something missing in not having my partner.
Maybe was like that before and was just swamped with feeling I needed someone to affirm I existed and it would all be ok, past that now so maybe - as I mentioned - this is the next layer of the onion.
We shall see I suppose.
Yes, much as I want w back I dont, ever, want things as they were before bd. In retrospect they were quite awful for all of us, I believe I know what I needed to and continue to work on in myself and feel Im progressing but W has issues that brought problems and issues she still needs to work on for herself regardless of the M (her dependency on s's time for one). Thats on top of her wanting to work on the m and thats before we get to the chewy core of her actually wanting to still be with / have feelings for me.
Sigh, well they say peeling onions makes you cry I suppose
Edz, money is always a problem !!!! I am almost 50 and have seen highs and lows re money and at the end of the day, once you have a roof over your head and enough to eat your blessed.
Your R with your son sounds fantastic and again, I know exactly how you feel. My kids always loved me unconditionally but now the bond between us is amazing, it's like a phyisical thing. I often think that I needed this crap to happen to make me oprn my eyes. I was so luck in life but could only see the negatives.
The sadness is very hard to deal with but compared to millions of others on this planet with have sooo much to be grateful for.
I longed for 'someone ' to share with but really I want W back.
I have way to much contact with W to let go but it's something I have to accept for now because of my kids.
A very wise man once said , @hit happens, I just wish said wise man had told us how to deal with it.
Take care Rd
Thanks RD, yes an instruction manual would help a lot right now especially the troubleshooting section!
Well one things for certain my bod wasn't ready for the beginning of trunk exercises..ow.. Managed 20 reps have a lot of work to do on that one!
Meantime pasta with red pesto chilli and bacon for tea so carb heavy tonight.
So gal light evening finishing season 1 of house of cards swimming tomorrow night and 25 trunk exercises tomorrow..oh goodie
Nothing from w, not sure im expecting anything tbh just letting her get on, suppose I'll do the same.
Ouch! My knee was sore yesterday after aqua aerobics on Sunday....feels okay today though. Do you plan to head to the gym this week?
I thought the aqua part was supposed to prevent it hurting?!?!?
When you say trunk exercises what is that, i assume its more than a situp?
I love carbs, though i went opposite this evening with an elaborate warm salad.
Just going back to one of your lunchtime posts. To me its clear your wife still has postive feelings for you, what form they take and whether it will lead to the reconcilliation you want we cant know though. your doing good though and regardless you seem to be making the best of a rubbish situation.
I dont, ever, want things as they were before bd
worth just highlighting as it helps to frame the postives of all of this.
Hi toots, swimming tomorrow plus exercises at home. May go friday or may wait for pay day next week (have to pay fees first time I go still suffering after the extra council tax bill and have road tax on friday to get sorted sigh)
Will be going though just need to get money sorted and get timing right with s
What was wrong with your knee?
Hi Jim
Thanks yes I think she does just what shape they take and whether she consciously acknowledges them again I suppose, trying not to guess.
Oh these excercises are the work of a sadist! They're designed to exercise both sides of muscle groups think sit up but turning side to side as to do it, yes, ow..
W has actually emailed tonight, just saying she's had a tiring day and a quick query on her tablet although she's sorted that herself easily enough. Just went back to say if she's tired dont worry about talking to me get a nice bath and settle down for the night then catch up with me tomorrow
I soooooo want toast and cheese right now...
Nooooo not going to....
Arghhhhh....
I had a pizza roll, and ham and cheese.
Hi Edz
Well, we do a sort of underwater kick boxing, where you crouch and do a big kick. I normally imagine it is H's or OW's head and kick really hard. I think I may have twisted my knee a bit - but as I say, feels ok now. Interesting you W making contact..not about anything really. You obviously remain on her mind. I've had an important email from H today. I'm just thinking about how to respond...any thoughts would be welcome.
T :-)
Thanks T, responded on your thread
GG you're a devil with your pizza, ham and cheese! Luckily I was well away by then (~4:30am our time) so didnt get driven wild with your tales of pizza goodness....mmmm pizza goodness (no, 9:34 is too early
)
Well a busy morning so far.
Drains are now resolved thanks to lots of rods, pressure washers and other shenanigans going on in the road and driveway, times like this glad Im renting as that looked expensive!
So this morning managed to begin the morning exercise routine (and the morning seems a good time to try to do that) had been doing the stretching etc last few days but brought the trunk exercises in before the hot shower (this seemed a good idea and proved to be) was supposed to do 25 of them, managed 30 before I felt, well, kn@ckered to be honest. Then had a shower on hot to get over it. Feel like someone had parked a car on my stomach right now but sure it will be "a good thing" as time wears on.
On the black coffee and really not eating until tonight (sometimes its advised to have something like a biscuit mid morning to ensure your sugar levels are ok but that gets out of control fast) swimming this evening and a shop run as Im low on some supplies.
And thats me at the moment.
Slept really well (most likely the exercise and previous late night thanks to house of cards) some odd dreams going on but cant say they were bad ones, just bizarre.
So generally ok today, I'd like some movement on w front but not expecting anything today, maybe there'll be a sudden surge of her talking, maybe not, she certainly seems like she's got lots on her mind and holding some of it back whenever I talk to her (maybe thing maybe not) for now just keeping on keeping on. Only two days or so to s which is always good.
Hi Edz. You seem rally positive and only 2 days before S. Hope they fly by for you
Take care. Rd
Thanks Rd, mostly am positive, I think in acceptance of current status is a fair way to put it.
Is everything how I want it to be for me to be happy? No.
Am I doing everything on those bits *I* can affect? Yessss(ish) need to wait till the end of the month for some of it but for now mostly yes.
Are there things that are outside of my control to change. Absolutely yes but by definition I cant change them without impacting other things I want so these have to remain parked, for now.
Right now sitch in relation to reconciliation is in w's court. My 180s are becoming so fully embedded they're no longer 180s, just me, cant say im loving the exercising but I'm doing it unbidden and keeping up nutrition and taking care of myself (although I need a haircut again), watching my appearance and trying to get out (money and time hurt me here but those are really excuses and Im trying). Of course the no 1 is relation with s which is not taken for granted as being good (it is, and constantly being developed - but I wont make any assumptions it will just "be like that" ever again).
So, yes, acceptance for now. I find myself thinking "come on w progress yourself" but there's no accelerator or fast forward I can use, she has to take her own steps.
Things like her decorating the flat get me down which is silly. She's just being more comfortable for her and s, but it reinforces she's more interested in bedding in there than considering any other options but then those are just assumptions and totally ignore the rules of believing nothing said and 50% of what's seen.
As I said, could all change in a heartbeat with one call, text or email for either reconciliation or full sail for divorce. Neither decision she can make is under my control, only how I decide to proceed and what I deicde to do myself going forward.
I mentioned on Toots thread I do sometimes wonder is w holding out for me to do something like see someone else or file so she can absolve herself of being the bad guy, she said to me she thought she "knew s would see her as the bad guy in all this" and that does concern me that she's just holding out for me to have had enough and move on. Again though, baseless or completely true what will worrying about it amount to. If I do make the decision enough is enough, I'd make it anyway if not well she's holding up her moving forward that was so very important a few months back.
W is also realising the effects on s and that there is no good outcome for s that doesn't amount to her "losing him" somewhat. I think that's tearing her up a lot. Make no mistake I have zero doubts w's prime concern is s's happiness regardless of anything else. This is a big contributor to our sitch in the first place. She has said s and I having the relationship we do now is what she wanted, I think she just wasnt prepared for the subsequent reduction in the r she has with him and not seeing him several days a week now.
Anyway, that turned into somewhat of a waffle, thanks again RD
Hi Edz, you sound very much like I feel. Your W leaving doesn't appear to be the happy ending she thought it might be. I hope I don't annoy any of the ladies on here but could your W be in a perimenopause state, I don't blame my sitch on my W going into perimenopause, (as confirmed by doctor) but I do think it was a major contribution to it. As you say the ball in in her court and you can only work on yourself. It does seem tough though, you spend most of your life with someone, go through all the ups and downs of that time and then they leave, don't seem to be living the dream but don't want to comeback. I suppose we can only see it through our eyes and if we could see it from their view we might understand more. I will post on my thread a little upset yesterday between W and S19. It's one of those things that my old W would have moved heaven and earth to avoid for S19 sake but now ?
I have a cousin that was had a WAW who was gone for over a year a they have been reconciled for over 7 years now and looking strong. Up until 1.5 months before she camback she wouldn't even look him in the eyes. Always hope my friend, always hope.
Take care, Rd
Hi Rd
I will check out your thread in a bit, (work on one screen DB on the other
), honestly..dont know..maybe. Think there's aspects of age in there (cant go into too much you know me and guarding her privacy regarding things not *directly* connected) she hasnt told me so but it certainly could be. I think the bulk was the way our family became skewed toward her and s with me off to the side, started with my work then I felt pushed out and isolated myself, internalising more and more, as I tried to cling on she freaked and distanced...and so on then my r with s or lack of it and throw in a dash of poisonous MIL to taste. There were/are health and other issues in there that I wont go into, never been any sign of other people but lots of other pressures.
Lots for me to own, my issues not relating to s, pushing him away, lack of care for myself, my health and appearance. Overwheliming co-dependency which did nothing for my appeal I imagine.
Additionally I dont think I was fully in tune with her ll and the huge, huge weight she put on relationship with s which was itself horribly skewed by my feeling sidelined by w and lack of being able to relate due to my childhood being impacted by grandparents and mothers illness/fathers work.
Of course this is just the stuff *I* own and work on. W was not fault free whether she is in a position to own those issues or not I cant really comment on.
Nothing I know of we couldnt work through if she chose to but, again, I have no idea if thats something she would choose.
As you say, there are stories of those WAS who then reunite and even remarry after being divorced for years and then coming back together. They do offer hope I must say.
Catch you soon
Edz
Well I put off engaging with w on finances as long as possible but I really need to get some things resolved this coming month (pay day on monday) so just emailed her.
Wont post the whole thing, stayed away from being mushy or being to accepting of anything (her financial issues now wouldnt be happening if she hadnt left but I have no desire to punish her or, worse, impact s) but also didnt want to go straight to hard edged and ruin our recent run of warm communications.
Effectively said I'll be making some changes at my end soon to get them straight and more manageable. I just want to know what w thinks is running out of the account and for how long or if its ongoing and if it can be settled if so for how much?
I said I know she has a lot on right now with work and various others making life difficult and I have no desire to be one of them or to just leave her with huge bills but I need to know what they are so I dont just cancel something thinking its no longer required. That money for s is in no way under discussion here and will continue. Asked her to let me know either to sit down and run through or to email me if she'd rather do it that way.
Said I wanted to make it clear there is no other motive here other than to try to structure my finances and I just want to ensure stability. That I look forward to us speaking again. Edz
So I wait to see if I will be hit with a rampage on being unfair, sorry that she hasnt sorted things or the far more likely, absolutely nothing!
Time will, I imagine, tell. Anyway off to swimming and then tescos (or swimming in tescos if the freezers have failed I suppose will be the same temperature either way
)
Catch you all soon
Edz
Back, one word, brrrrrrrrrrrrrr......
On with dinner, pork with spicey rice, lots and lots of chilli's this time. Oh and wine, been good, want wine, can't talk, wine......
Well read receipt from w but nothing else, option 3 it appears is a winner. Ah well, never mind.
Other than that a rather nice evening. Bottle of white and some TV following a swift 50 lengths at the pool. Gone through some old mirrors and other bits I've been bringing from house to house as well as a CD player, centre speaker and some cordless headphones w got me, listed those up on gumtree. Hopefully can sell some and pay for some fun with s or if he stays serious a learner electric guitar and amp, we shall see I imagine
Edz
As long as BFT gets chicken, and cushions then all is right with the world.
V
Never need fear v tonight bft had chicken ham cat biccies and is presently absolutely spark out on the sofa. Shortly I'll head for bed after which I'm sure she'll transplant herself to the duvet
I would hold meno, as totally responsible.
I was being told meno, was drama for being angry cranky and tired.
It had nothing to do with h, picking fights, waking me up 100 times per night from kicking me or his direct behaivour threats and hitting my s17. All this things were directly within his control,
Truned out while I don't have any hormone changes to have meno, I had 100% of the symptoms and they were also the same as stress and pressure and anxiety.
So don't always think this time you have found the magic bullet.
Hi Gg
honestly no idea if it plays a part or not, mentioned in my posts my owned issues, w put me on a shelf while she got on with things and s and I delt with it by internalising my unhappiness instead of tackling it. Communications stalled and here I am.
Wow, 4 months of counselling in one sentence there!
To be serious (a rare occurance from me) no I dont blame any biological issues any more than I blame w or I completely, maybe theres a role played - I dont know, maybe w does, until we one day sit down and discuss how she feels we got here without demonisation and it all being my fault, I try to resist too much mind reading
And with that to Bed with me....come hither bft I have a foot to keep warm!
Need a purple bed sock for the other foot?
V
Morning, ha no bft can cover both although she slept all night up near me at the top of the duvet.
And finally coffee time!
This morning much like yesterday, the drain guys are back for the last day fixing the new top cover (old ones had rusted so theyre changing at the same time) and re concreting. Back to the office tomorrow.
Managed to up to 35 reps on those horrible trunk exercises this morning. Was hoping to ramp up to 50 by the end of next week but boy do they ache afterward, hopefully it means good exercisey things are happening, still seem to have muffins about me though (and not the good cappucino chocolate ones, mmmmmmmm cappucino chocolate muffins mmmmmmmmm).
Nothing from w since the email on expenses, Im not pursuing her today she can come back to me or I'll contact her on s pickup times tomorrow. I suspect she's busy running around after s as normal but theres also likely some confusion and possibly anger as it normally surfaces when I start talking finances. She was the tresurer in the family and we got in a mess, I dont blame her but I think she resented me not stepping in to fix things (I was in my work,work,work phase at this point) as I mentioned a few threads ago she tackled me on the fact I was doing all this now she was gone and she was pi55ed about me cancelling dds from the joint account.
Generally Im getting confused signals right now, not confused for me to interpret as in she seems confused, she's not making any moves toward talking r but seems reluctant to move on (except spend money on decorating the flat). When she sees me doing something that breaks my old following behind her script she does pick up on it but she's the store it away for later type not reactionary. Hence she sat on my car parking space comment for several days before mentioning it when we discussed things on the phone.
Aaaaanyway, working today then no real plans tonight may wire up some led lighting to backlight the tv unit but not sure I want to now I got them, quite like the lighting in the room. Mmm will need to think on that one.
Thanks for your comments on my thread Edz. Ooh, backlit tv.....nice! I've seen those LED strip lights and fancied trying those.
In terms of your W, I think what you said is fair enough. You feel some steps need to be taken and you've done that. She's probably just taking a little time to consider and reply.
Good job with the exercises....no pain, no gain my friend!
Thanks Toots, well the pain is here, I think the gain may be coming the long way around as it seems to be taking its time
Impatience, Edz, all is impatience. Went through the chest of drawers last few days to see what I have in ready for Summer (ha! we have sleet today!) and found the shorts I had bought back in July (bittersweet as they arrived in the post the day after w left) at the time they were tight on - one of the things that gave me a kick in the behind to start loosing weight. Tried them on and without a belt they literally fall down - 70s comedy style - so thats at least reassuring. Would have been a laugh out loud moment for anyone around me thankfully only bft was there with a paw over her head snoring.
We both both have simlair issues
Fix it, lack of patience and weight.
I'm still not getting 100% control yet! On any score.
Thanks for your comments on my thread Edz. Ooh, backlit tv.....nice! I've seen those LED strip lights and fancied trying those.
Noticed the interwebtubez ate the bottom of my post commenting on this. Yes its a £20 kit from Ikea. I have three short wood table lamps set up in the lounge two on the front floor standing speakers either side of the tv and one next to the sofa on one of the rear floor standers. Theyre all set up to a remote control power switch so can be turned on and off from that.
I was going to put this behind the tv and set it up so those can be turned off and the backlight on (for movies etc) not sure though as I like the warmth in the room with the lamps on....mmm... need some more work on that room rug and eventually a new curved sofa to set up a more cosy area at the end of the room as its a little open plan right now, nice and contemporary but feels a little "cold" at times when its just me there.
We both both have simlair issues
Fix it, lack of patience and weight.
I'm still not getting 100% control yet! On any score.
You're doing great matey, sometimes its not the final destination but about what we learn on the journey
Fix It (Mr and Ms 'I know') are just aspects we need to channel properly. I know Mr F helps out in lots of the skills I have but just negatively impacts me with interpersonal skills. Not sure if thats what you find?
Your weight comments seem to say you're doing really really well. This is the second time in my life I've lost "lots" of weight, first time was in my 20s and I dumped a lot (really a lot) very quickly but this time its slower. Remember the slower and steadier the loss the more you can tone at the same time (and also the body ahem "reshapes" easier!)
Patience I hear you on, I'm patient with everyone else but myself and I'd have to admit my sitch. I have to be patient as its not mine to control unless I say ok I'm done and call it a day and start again in a new r. So right now I just need to quell the impatience in me and relax.
You're doing great mate, just keep going
Well wasn't planning on contacting w today but realised there's a special card event tomorrow so had to ask is s coming tomorrow or Saturday.
Dropped a simple email saying not chasing yesterday's email but just needed to know about this weekend was s coming tomorrow or Saturday and did he want to go to the card event.
Got a one line "tomorrow is fine" went back as I needed to know is he going to his event (I need to get his Deck sorted and the entrance fee in cash £5) asked was everyone ok and got back fine, why?
So left it that I'm picking him up, not chasing her on his event, I'll assume he's going. Not sure if this is connected with the bank or just a bad day, I'm not assuming.
On finance I'm going to make an appointment to get a new account with od sorted in my name next week after payday and then get everything dd wise transferred then work down from there.
saying not chasing yesterday's email but
Evening edz
normally you do great with your interactions but just got to pick you up on this ^^^^^^^. when you said that i expect you were trying to put her ease but what you actually said was
'I want to remind you that i sent you an email about finances that you havent responded to yet, and i want you to know that i expect a response'
so easy to do this kind of stuff, the only reason i dont do it constantly is because my STBXW and I barely communicate.
I've not seen one for a while but a few times i've seen both Wonka and 25 do a translations/interpretations of someone's letter or email and they are priceless for understanding how we let our hurts and anguish project even when we are trying not to. If you've not seen it might be worth a bit of hunt round the forum.
Hi Jim yes can see how that may be. W is down with me anyway this week which I was expecting after the long chat at the weekend.
I wasn't quite so boiled down in the real email but yes by bringing it up at all it was a reminder, doh. the only reason I want to push this at all is so I can look to straighten out the od this month.
Heyho....
Edz, don't worry - ups & downs, ebbs and flows. I think it was Starsky said that DBing isn't actually that fragile and can stand up to hiccups pretty well - as long as we don't keep making the same mistakes over and over. Which you don't keep doing of course.
It's hard in that some practical stuff just needs attention - even if your W gets antsy about it. I would just play it straight - friendly and firm - no apologies. It's money and it needed addressing.
Sleet today? Ugh - been a bit grey and wet here, but no sleet thankfully!
Hi toots not beating myself up about it, w has put off this stuff since august which baffles me. If I wanted nothing to do with someone the last thing I'd want would be them having financial input apart from agreed payments. Every time I touch things I get an emotional blank though, sigh, anyhoo as you say its got to be done even if I dont totally close that account.
As I say I'm not getting wound up. I can tell this since I replied on Jim's good point I've moped by.. Having a non alcoholic cocktail (which was recommended to me but didn't do much for me) some stretching exercises read some of my book and had a nice bath before settling on the sofa with my throw and bft.
So I'm quite chilled. As per vs signature I'd really like an end to the drama though!
Anyway s is coming tomorrow so cool!
Yup all day has been freezing rain and sleet here ughghghgh felt sorry for the guys putting the new drain in but then I'm not having to pay them!
Fins are usually something that has to be dealt with dispassionately and rather more business like I feel.
Bringing emotions and money together is a disaster waiting to happen, I have seen that many times in my business dealings with clients.
Edz you are doing very well.
Enjoy your time with S today.
V
Thanks V, said this on your thread but ((((Vanilla)))) will keep you in my thoughts today, take it easy ok?
Sooooo today, well was going into the office but had a doctors appointment (routine blood test to track my iron levels nothing interesting) and a call before 9 so wfh as its easier to pick up s tonight (He's off to pokemon / yugigo on the other side of town)
Another 35 reps of the excercise from hell - ow and double ow - still muffinyness, I need a muffinometer to check if that changes or possibly just to revisit the tape measure...nooo not today I think. Attending to some early issues that awaitied me logging in then the coffee is starting to smell good.
One of my team reminded me I have 5 1/2 days leave to take before the end of March or lose them (dont get paid for them if I dont take them) so possibly going to book some time off next week and the week after and take a 6 day break, see if I can get some of s's time and have some fun, remains to be seen who else is off though.
So thats about it for now. Nothing from w since the emails last night. Will drop her a text or mail today on logistics for pickup and whether she needs him back tomorrow or sunday (I'd like to avoid having to check in and I think leaving well alone when I dont need to ping her is probably best).
Mate who set up that dating profile texted me and asked had I thought about it, told him he seems to have an obsession and was he just looking for a double to go out with he and his wife or something! Got a laugh if nothing else. Told him no, not yet, see where this all runs to for a while. I know my impatience wants an end to limbo but I have enough going on to occupy me indeed not yet had time to get to the gym (well that and money until Monday - payday, finally) I do find myself increasingly thinking of a lot of the times we had together, interestingly all in our first 5 years, the more I look at the last few the more I realise limbo didnt just start on bd which is, of course, one of MWD's plancs that this doesnt start on the day the WAS goes, ridiculous how obvious it all is when you look back.
Anyhoo, bit melancholic again (grey skies rain and tired), lots to do before getting s tonight
Edz thanks for the hug. Am staying home until tears have subsided and I can get my business head on.
Can you provide a link to the exercise from hell
Is it as bad as kettle balls?
V
Hi V
for me its worse as I have strong leg muscles and upper body but pretty wobbly muffiny middle, looked but couldnt find it online, was recommended to me by someone i know from swimming, supposed to work on the core but also helps with muffins.
Muscles feel a bit tighter after a week of it not sure theres any movement on the handles though!
Basically its a trunk roll but turning to the side as you sit up then the next time the other direction. I do 10 rest then 10 rest then 10 rest then 5 ... then have a very hot shower and say why am i doing this again!
Oh and welcome for the Hug, dont worry gets to all of us, right now I feel all cried out but I'm not at the end of the journey yet, who knows what will happen at the next crossroads sure there will be more emotions a'coming.
Take it easy my friend, relax and breathe
I feel like a broken record when I comment on your thread but I learn so much from reading your interactions with your W. I am trying so hard to be detached from XH, but with him back here and seeing him every day, I just feel all emotional and jelly-like inside. I am so trying to learn from your example and I actually go back and read some of your old threads to see how you handle things.
Thanks for being a good example! It is more helpful than you know. Oh and keep up the great work with S. I really admire the relationship you have with him.
Thanks Dawn, a few pages back I put links to all my threads. Was doing some personal time-travel with them the other day and things have improved a lot, if not in all the ways I would have liked.
Just keep on keeping on really, and as per the books sentiment do what works both for the r/db but also for you
Hang in there bud
Good eveninnnnng all. Just a quick post as I'm tucked up and shattered this evening. Well texted w this afternoon to check times, spoke with s who wanted to talk to me, w asked was I getting something for S's dinner, said I could get something sandwhichy but nothing substantial before the club. W said don't worry she'll give him the remaining curry and she can have toast, went to the shops on the way to pick him up got some money out and picked up some Indian food and a bottle of wine for w to cheer her up since s is off with me. W seemed tired and fed up tonight. They had sorted a lot of bits for him to bring to his room here which we'll sort out tomorrow.
S had some fun but was very tired after a busy day so last game I played with him helping me, should point out I know nothing on pokemon but we had some fun together. I lost of course
Anyway everyone now tucked in for the night, totally whacked tonight. Weirdly missing w tonight, maybe just tired.
Catch you all tomorrow
Well this threads about to lock, time to start a new one, see you all in
part 14
