Previous thread. Thread #11 was not at all what I thought it'd be. One Sunday night I found stuff and the following Friday I was in two attorneys offices. Just not what I'd imagined at all but I'm learning to take life as it's thrown at me, the best I can.
Now, I've reached the lucky dozen.
Still building the courage to have that talk with stbx. I'm stuck there and for now I'm ok with that. I have an IC appointment this morning and I'll definitely talk about it, see if we can get me unstuck.
I find myself still day dreaming about working on the marriage and being able to fulfill each others' needs with smiles on our faces. Still. Denial. It's beautiful here.
Then I remember the emails I've found and it all comes flooding back.
I ache for my daughter. A deep, gnawing, life-long ache.
I also hate the word "divorce", the feelings it invokes, the stigma that comes with it, the pain it brings my daughter. Can't we call it something else? Anything else.
Inside I'm ok. I'm certainly not on the floor but I'm also not chasing enlightenment like I was just before that Sunday night discovery. I just am and for now that's ok. My house is a bit of a wreck and I'm generally ok with that for now.
Can't say that I'm moving along but I'm doing some serious thinking about moving along. LOL
Previous thread. Thread #11 was not at all what I thought it'd be. One Sunday night I found stuff and the following Friday I was in two attorneys offices. Just not what I'd imagined at all but I'm learning to take life as it's thrown at me, the best I can.
Now, I've reached the lucky dozen.
Still building the courage to have that talk with stbx. I'm stuck there and for now I'm ok with that. I have an IC appointment this morning and I'll definitely talk about it, see if we can get me unstuck.
How about a fresh start with a new thread title?
Sometimes I like to suggest that a poster change their username or their thread title to better reflect a new, more-confident self. Merriam-Webster defines a chrysalis as:
chrysalis
noun chrys·a·lis \ˈkri-sə-ləs\
: a moth or butterfly at the stage of growth when it is turning into an adult and is enclosed in a hard case
: a hard case that protects a moth or butterfly while it is turning into an adult
Methinks it might be time to fully spread your wings and fly, Ss? You're 8 months into this, and your growth has been impressive!
Starsky
(((SS)))
So sorry about the way you're feeling. I also find myself daydreaming about reconciliation. Hope your appointment goes well with the IC. Hang in there! And I agree with Starsky, you've definitely grown. This is all so tough though, I know.
Ss, I, too, hear you about the denial. I still think sometimes, "if only he would talk to mwd, this would all change! " It's a security blanket for me sometimes.
But you have grown so much and you are such a rock star mom. I think you are definitely emerging from the cocoon! Cheers to that.
Thank you lorelai, Starsky and Claire!!
Starsky, it's GREAT to see you in my thread, a very welcome addition!!
You guys see change and growth in me that I don't see. "Grown so much"? Really? I certainly don't feel like the butterfly I'd hope to be by now or through this experience.
Still so far to go and I'm weary.
Had a good session with IC. Basically talked about my denial and that I still have this little glimmer of hope despite 18 years of lacking passion, severe resentment, pain, escorts, oppressive negativity. I'm no Pollyanna but man, I seem to be in this case. She basically said that the work required to rebuild this marriage into something it never was before would take incredible work on both our parts and that it's so far gone, stbx sees it as easier to just close the book. I don't think she said that as a way to get me to stop trying, it's just her professional opinion. She's been doing this for 30 years, is very pro marriage and has seen some marriages turn around from the depths of divorce.
I need to wave the white flag and just tell stbx that divorce is fine. Fine. It started with a HUGE "YES" and is ending with a "fine". I guess it's better than an, "EFF YOU", right? There's the Pollyanna again.
I need to wave the white flag and just tell stbx that divorce is fine. Fine.
SS, when you realize that you don't want your old M back, it does make it a little easier to wave that white flag. I'm with you. My M was good, but it wasn't great. I would have stayed in it forever. BUT now H has gone off and ruined that. So......the amount of work it would take to get back to good would be tremendous, the amount of work to get to great is probably impossible.
^^^^ when I realize that this is how I feel; that this is my reality... I get so sad. I know that sadness will pass, and maybe I'll meet another (better) partner...but it still makes me so sad to let go.
SS, I dont think there is anything wrong with having hope. As long as it doesnt keep you stuck.
I have seen marriages restored and better than they were before. I also think some marriages arent meant to be saved.
To me, the goal of dbing is this. That we get good and strong and become who we were meant to be. So that when we decide whether we will continue to stand for our marriage, we do it from a place of strength and not fear.
No one..not your therapist, not me, or anyone else can tell you what will happen in the future.
What I can tell you is this. Worrying will have no effect on the outcome. But moving forward, making changes and letting go..can.
I believe the best chance anyone has of this turning around is when we allow them to walk their journey.
Your h is unhappy. He has decided it was you that made him so. But if you are no longer there to be the blame, then he may look within and figure himself out.
The holding on by us stops the forward motion in them.
If you decide that you want to continue to stand, you will have to let him see something different, over time. He has to see the changes are real. He has to see that it would be different if he wants back in.
But I dont care about him. I care about you. You have grown a great deal, S. You have looked within. You have learned new ways of reacting to him. You are figuring out who you need in your life. You are learning your worth. Dont sell yourself short, sweetie. That doesnt serve you well.
You just keep going, S. I'll be over here cheering you on.
We have all learned a great deal Ss - some slower than others (I mean me there) - and discovered a wonderful things about ourselves that we never knew we had or maybe even wished we didn't have.
We are all cheering you on. There is light at the end of the tunnel ... and maybe a different flavour of cheese.
Ss, long time no talk. Just letting you know that you and others have been on my mind even as I haven't been posting much! Rooting for you as always and I look forward to better and better days for you and D7
I am just so grateful and feel so genuinely honored to know you people, to have you by my side through this and to walk with you through your journeys, be they fast or slow (old dog, be kind to yourself).
I'm quite good emotionally. Feeling buoyant, strong and lit from within. It's gorgeous here today (sorry for those of you shoveling yet another 3 feet of snow), my toes are out, rosé is being chilled and I'm going away for the weekend. No moping around alone on Valentine's Day for me. I'm reclaiming it! I'm my own valentine!!
Since I won't be here to kiss D7 on V-Day I have made a care package o'love to give her tomorrow. A sweet card, conversation hearts, a heart-filled lunch, a miniature rose plant for her room. Small but full of mommy-love.
She also has her HUGE karate belt test on Saturday. A 4+ hour test where she has to show her karate skills (which is no problem) and her discipline skills (which is quite a problem). I just really hope it goes well for her.
At night before bed, to help her settle, calm and get out of her fast-moving head, we meditate together. I let her hold my meditation rock as something to focus on. The weight, the smoothness, the temperature... It helps center her. Well, I found her a miniature version of my rock. It's identical just smaller and I put it in a silk pouch and I'm going to give it to her before her belt test, to help her center herself and focus. I hope it means as much to her as it does to me to give it to her.
Anyway, thank you guys. I really need you in my corner and it's nice to be able to rely on you.
Sounds wonderful!! Enjoy your getaway!! And good luck to your little one.
Rock star mama! (Harhar) have a fabulous weekend! !
Happy V Day, Ss. You deserve a great weekend away. Love the meditation rock idea!
SS, I am smiling big over here...I loved what I just read.
Love that you're going away. Love that you are taking Valentine's day back.
Good on you, sweetie. Attagirl.
I am sure your daughter will love the stone. What a wonderful gift.
You just keep going, my friend...you are going to be just fine.
Back from a great weekend!! I feel good!
D7 did really well on her belt test, had a lovely valentines day and is behaving really well lately (knock-on-wood).
In the interest of keeping me mentally fresh I have booked my first yoga retreat for March. I'm super excited. Then in April I have that "photography convention" which is really just a large get together with 15 of my favorite female photographer friends... This once a month, inexpensive get-away thing is helping me a lot!!
While hanging with my friends this weekend, my friend's husband (an attorney and once divorced) asked if I felt the world was pretty much at my fingertips. It was such a good and thoughtful question but it scared me just a little. I do occasionally have that feeling but I'm not all the way there yet. I told him that and he said, "I know, but I can see that you will be. You really will be."
That felt good. Really good!
Onward and upward!
oy, it's a rough day.
Anyone ever get exhausted by the work and being the bigger person? Blah.
Busy week ahead and I'm not at my best, especially with D7. I sometimes wonder if I'm properly equipped to raise her. Somedays I feel like I hit it out of the park with her, other days I feel like I'm just barely hanging on and still other days, days like today, I'm pretty sure I'm setting her up for a lifetime of intensive therapy, failed relationships and exceedingly high expectations.
::sigh::
Plus it's rainy today and while I like a little rain, it's making me want to just go back to bed.
So, I know I've not been around much. I'm reading threads but feel unqualified to provide advice. I feel like my head is in a good place but I have no idea how to hold onto it and I feel like it's very fleeting.
I got a text earlier this week from stbx about "the talk". It's scheduled for this Friday. I told him today that I didn't want to have this chat in the house just because I feel like I have enough memories of conflict in the house. He said he understood but hoped there would be no conflict. I agreed but I also know that the magnitude of what we'll talk about is bound to bring disagreement.
I feel mostly prepared. I'm not afraid to walk out. I'm not afraid to say what I want. I will not lash out and treat him the way he has treated me in the past. I refuse to stoop to that level of gracelessness. Deep down I want him to know how much he's hurt me but I am also very aware that at this point, it just doesn't matter. I feel little resentment because I just want to look forward.
I hope that doesn't mean I'm not dealing with something in the past, not facing something important.
Strangely, this bigger issue right now isn't our impending divorce, it's D7s behavior and testing. Stbx and I are doing a great job of being flexible with schedules regarding visitation, etc., communicating about her troubles and tactics to work through them with her, making time for her to see the other parent if she or the parent needs a hig, to tell a story, etc.
I see that as real success and I'm hoping that's an indication of his diminished resentment, increased reliability, and HOPEFULLY sane thinking as we move forward toward divorce.
We shall see though, won't we.
T-1 day until BIG TALK day. I'm still breathing.
Good on you, Ss! It's so great that you are going into Friday feeling this way. You've come far, lady! I'll be thinking of you on Friday.
SS, good for you. I will be thinking about you tomorrow, stand strong.
H and I are coming to the end of our initial S period, so we'll be having a talk in a couple of weeks. I don't know whether it will include a D option or not at this point. I need to pull myself together so I can approach it in the same way you are saying.
SS, you sound in a good frame of mind for the talk - and I hope it goes as well as it can for you. Just remember that you can take time out or time to think if you want to - there's no-one holding up a big sign that says you have to decide everything in this one session.
I'll be rooting for you anyway! T x
Go into it with the confidence of knowing that you want what's best for your daughter and that you want to be fair.
Show him who you are becoming. He will pounce on any show of weakness.
You got this, S. I will be praying for you.
Sending good vibes to you today, Ss. Hope your talk with H goes well.
SS,
Sending you positive vibes today. I have no doubt you will stick the landing:-)
Hey S, you ok? Thinking of you.
hey S, a little worried about you...
I've been in touch with SS. She is doing well. Processing stuff and moving forward.
Thanks for sharing that update UR. Glad to hear Ss is ok.
Very happy to hear that, UR. Thanks for the update.
If you're out there Ss, I'm glad to see the update from uR about you! I drove through your hometown last week and paused for a moment to think about you and your sitch. Wishing the best! We may never know each other but we walked together (with many others, of course) through one of the worst parts of our lives.