part 11 was about to lock so here's part 12.
Things on somewhat of an even keel, relation with s has entered a phase where he seems open and sharing,w is being warmer but no signs of moving her stance, I had a time of wondering whether to give up on m and go dating and decided its not the time. No movement on the mysterious something I can't talk about on the forum.
Just got into new much smaller clothes and got a wow from w's friend who hadn't seen me since last year and about a stone and a half ago.
And ...... Wait for it.........begin..
Morning all
Well starting slow today after a frenetic day yesterday. At one with the duvet at the mo and I can hear s has his media on in his room. Bft is prowling but judging by the foot I put out of the bed it seems chilly to emerge and I'm not keen.
Managed to get a chunk of house stuff done last night once s was in bed which was good.
Odd dreams last night, can't lock them down, most likely the noodle spin drying the events of yesterday, not sure.
Will be off to my dads later, old jeans for that as I need to (a) be mobbed by his dogs and (b) get in an attic get chairs and manhandle then into a car.
Not too sure on what time s needs to be back so assuming no limit and will aim for 7 not going to contact w on it unless she pings me. Nothing yet since recipes etc last night so she's at least relaxing on s it seems.
Still have that pensive feeling, had an email this morning from the dating site after turning off the profile last week. Of course they're just drumming up visitors but started that churning in my head again. Ah well putting it in the box today for not worrying about just yet.
There are times I wonder does w read my threads....
.... Two minutes after the above she called me and we spent a good 35 minutes discussing did s have clothes (he didn't pack any but I washed yesterdays and have sufficient for him here) schools his progress, cats his card event..
Nice and seems to be becoming a regular sat morning s info dump, not sure if there's any side motive or not, not having expectations but the core could have been a short text, I dont want a short text believe me but it could have been.
W offered to drop trousers etc off, said its fine but she's welcome if she wants a coffee. And it is were off out at 11:30ish before then no problem with her popping by.
Suppose we shall see.
Oh well, at least you know what time. Let's hope the coffee goes well.
Wish it was cold here, then being sick would be nice. It will be much warmer soon edzs. We are already on the heading Into cooler weather.
Hopefuly gal will provide some new friends. Then you can have some plutonic dates. Like my dinners. It's fun and when Im lazy at least I get one great dinner per week I didn't have to cook myself always a bonus.
Hi gg
Yes that would be nice no takers yet though
W has been around sat had coffee spoke about s the flat and stuff generally. She said she wasn't expecting s back today and didn't seem stressed about it which is really good so two nights boys together again. She's off to mil today something about work letter rebuttal she didn't want to talk and I wasn't going to dig.
Just dipped s in shower so he's clean for going to my dads and being licked by doggies now he's off getting dressed so I have 5 minutes.
Can't be fun being I'll in hot weather have enough trouble sleeping in hot weather if I'm not ill more a cold clear weather bod me.
Maybe its not wearing purple bed socks
The mozzies have turned me into a pin cushion. Lots of small pr**ks but no x rated fun.
hard not to feel like I wanted to be out walking too, but just can't even do my essential house stuff. Which reminds me I fogot stuff on my thread.
That's sounding postaive, that it went well. Pma works, well it most certainly doesn't make things worse.
Ha gg that made laugh
Sorry you're being a mozzie meal citronella or not a smelly candles gal?
Yup feeling good today, happy with the weight loss even if there's more to do no idea what's up ahead thing still lurking like a lurky thing but being happy and positive can't hurt and if we dont work out, well, can't hurt to not be a mental and emotional scrapheap for whatever or whomever comes next. Yeah right edz like you won't go full emo tomorrow night pull the other one
feel better my friend
Fly spray! Shot those little sucker right out of the air.
Couldn't find a candle, they were queuing to get on s17 dog! Food time for hounds bath and bed.
Don't drown on those waves huh edzs?
We all get em. Blows edzs a huge staged kiss.
I suspect the higher body temperature attracts the little @*i#s.
Nothing but nothing stops them. I bought a cream in India called Neem that helps but makes one smell like a compost heap.
I have been musing on memory and how overall it is poor.
Also how selective and how much we filter as a result of emotion. Depending on our state we may view the same event in the same way.
Hormonal flooding seems to deposit negative traces into long term memory and repeat association triggers further long term memory deposits. Apparently the protective structure of the amygdala causes negative memory traces to fade, it's valuable in trauma protection and forgetting physical pain. It is thus possible that reducing interaction and preventing flooding may assist in improving the WAS selective view of their history. It is their history after all.
Becoming the person only a fool would leave may incrementally retile fringes of memory. Changing the perception may change the memory, I have noticed the process of familiarisation, if we loose weight then those closest often do not notice. It is when we meet someone that we have not seen for a while that change is obvious. That is why in house S may be less effective. How soon we get used to a new hair cut or appearance change. Incremental change may thus be about subtly adapting an old view with the current vision.
When I think of H I remember him not as he was but as how he is. I have rewritten the memory of certain aspects of the old H with the new one. I see the current sitch as if it had always been as it is. This is unfair to H but is what the mind does to itself.
Why am I thinking about this? Well I am asking myself if Edz W will go wow, will W rewrite recent history back to the original. In essence we do not need for WAS to be attracted to us as if we were new propositions. We already know that we map for them, that is established otherwise why would they be attracted in the first place. My becoming the best we can be then we re attract. So the question I am asking is should Edz reveal his sauve changes gradually or in a big reveal?
Would it be best to wear the 'baggies' and then tra la? Or is the subtlety of the changes rewriting trace? Would a physical change draw attention to the overall changes. Always remembering that if we do these changes for ourselves they endure beyond transition.
V is in reflective mood to day, so apologies for the long post.
V
Interesting stuff v, suppose we shall see
Vanilla, very interesting train of thought particularly given my in house experience. I don't want to read too much into it as we can't believe what they say but at a point if upset my wife did say she could see knew I was improving myself but she 'doesn't want to see it'
I think its about a balanced differentiation, too much change looks like a crisis or panic reaction. Gradual but distinct I think is probably best as its most credible and preserves that link to who you were. At work we talk about salami slicing budgets.
Edz, how is your wife's body language toward you these days?
And another extended weekend with S thats gotta be good, irrespective of anything else.
Hi Jim
Well she's not backing out of rooms anymore! She seems more open to sitting and listening but it seems to come and go. Thats got to be an improvement. She's posted on fb (not to me directly) to say she's feeling fluey. Could be she's just tired due to neighbours and cat again who knows
Yup been a busy one today went to my dads and I now have 4 kitchen chairs not 2 and a set of stepladders. Once back we went to tesco (no onsies today gg) and got food for today and tomorrow as well as some new t shirts for me PJs for s and some new jeans not to mention a butter dish hey what can I say I just roll like that.
Made chicken jalfraize with naan and rice for dinner, made it milder than normal but a bit warm for s he still eat about a third of an adult portion though. He's headed off for an early night as he's pooped and has his media player on.
Hi Edz, sounds like a nice day! Funny, your W has gone from being so sensitive about S staying more than a night to pretty flexible. Nice that you get to have a couple of nights with him more now. Sounds like you wore him out though!
We had a nice lunch today with a friend of M&D's. She is in her 70s and very intrepid. Daughter lives in Nepal, and this lady loves to trek, sail down the Amazon, hike in Peru etc. She's a very interesting woman and very social.
She and her H S years ago after he was unfaithful. They never D, and are on reasonable terms now. But, she's a good example of a (single) life well lived following marital breakdown. She has lots of friends and interests, travels and is very kind hearted.
Anyway....complete digression.....glad you had a good day Edz! :-)
sounds an interesting person to share a meal with toots.
Yup good day. Chilling out you'll never guess where..yup under the throw on the sofa
Both worn out today, not sure on tomorrow since I'm not sure how w will be. Sent her an email this evening saying I hope she feels better I'd dropped another bottle of wine off for her for the weekend so I hoped she enjoyed it and let me know if she needs anything and what sort of a time she needs s back.
It is indeed an interesting turnaround. A few weeks or months now ago you may remember I had a call with her on the fact that I knew s visiting was an issue for her which she denied. I said no, it is an issue, I knew why - I dont deny my issues before bd and god only knows how hard I've worked to turn that around with s - it does seem regardless of our r w has seen that. Could all change on a pinhead as always nothing is set in stone but this kind of situation with s staying would have been unthinkable, w calling and chatting for 45 minutes, calling for breakfast and coffee, having wine noooo way 2 sentence texts was it.
I try hard not to read into it, yes its improving but its easy to slip into thinking it means w is changing her thoughts on r and m which of course is not necessarily the case. I have to be careful on my expectations which can make it difficult sometimes as change can seem really close when it may not be.
Expectations, they'll get ya every time if they let them.
I remember reading your posts before you moved and its difficult to convey how pleased I am to see the improvements you've had (irrespective of r with your w). A 2 night stay by s was unthinkable and now look. Really happy for you edz
That throw is getting a ton of use
It is a very warm and fuzzy throw, £7 special from lidl
Thanks Jim yup no way was this thinkable before.
Its really impatience I have to fight. When you take a long term view lots has happened in 6 months no time by dB standards.
If she is letting s out of her care for lots of nights perhaps it's making her social life easier. It's not about beining nice to edzs.
There is always an om possibility. I didn't think there was in my stich, h carried on like the worlds most honoable man. All lies I now know. Do appreciate posatives don't get to confident and start assuming.
I did it wasn't pretty. Like others I looked at the before picture.
The points vanilla makes are good ones. In my sitch at 6 months h was still calling me fat and revolting. I was thinner than dream ow. Still thinner than dream ow. People still stop me and comment.
Oh this feel in my lap ow had one previous partner that she hooked up with while he was married and she was the reason the marriage ended. Nice classy woman.
Just a reminder it's all about them not you. Don't get to feeling too special.
Hi gg
Oh no illusions of fluffy bunnies and flowers, I have reasons to believe there isn't anyone else which are connected to "thing" but its always a possibility and unless I go into full on snoop mode not likely to...at least yet.
Good, you do know in the past I could shoot bunnies?
Looks like not much changed. These days tho, fluf bunnies rein under the couch.
Ha! Well dont get them mixed up or could prove expensive in sofas!
Feeling better?
Killer headache last night. Slept till crack of 10. Sniffing more think I might achieved something other than be on the couch.
Gaol to make it thru today with out a nap. Better than Friday, man all day naps!
Yeah, but I do have a free one to collect. Just haven't been able to pick it up, but things are moving now.
Well son.....is staying a third night.
W had said she wasn't too well took her round a loaf and a treat g&t no pretending going on there she's streaming with cold no hassle with s staying night 3. Cooked roast chicken dinner and s ate both legs, potatoes and veg with an 8/10 rating which can't be bad from a ten year old.
More later...
S in bath so have a few minutes to update.
So yes, this morning sent w a text saying I hoped she was feeling better and to let me know what sort of a time. She sent a jokey text back about being sat on by her cat and could I pick up a loaf, if s and I were happy no rush in him needing to be back. I asked should I sort out dinner and she sent that If I had other things to do let her know, I confirmed nope my day was all about s no issues, let me know if she needed the day to feel better but I wasnt trying to push the number of nights.
We had a couple of back and forths on her cat being daft BFT starting at 5am and being proded with a pillow before sulking on her cushion in the hallway and that s had been coughing and Ive given him a bit of cough medicine.
Didnt hear anything for a while so s and I got on with our day but I needed another set of pjs if he was staying tonight so we went out and got those along with the fixings for a roast chicken dinner. Took the above bread and G&T round for w and s had a hug from her - she didnt look well and has been in bed most of the day apparently - confirmed no she was happy with s staying and we'll work out whos doing what in the morning (working from home anyway).
Anyway kissed her on the forehead s gave her a big hug (or 3) and then we headed back. I wont be texting/emailing etc this evening unless she contacts me.
So whatever's going on in w's head it appears her fears over s and I have subsided. I turned up this afternoon without calling (not trying to catch her at anything just because we were on the way back from the supermarket) so she's unwell today, as to anything else, no idea but s is here night 3, first time Ive seen him this long since July
Hi Edz - 3 nights in a row! You wouldn't have thought that was possible a couple of months ago. Glad you've had a good weekend & keep up the good PMA! :-)
Thanks all nope would have thought no way would this have have happened even as close as just before Christmas. As I said no idea where w is in her mind and feelings but certainly she can't be hanging on to the concerns she had at least not to the same levels.
Well tucked s up and...you can all guess where I am right now (although may not be wise to let some of you have a free guess
) yes under the throw.
Well didn't get to the gym or swimming with everything else today but barely touched a chair today so plenty of exercise and gal with s. Also managed housework, fresh sheets on s's bed and mine, cooked a roast dinner and tomorrow's casserole as well as new clothes for s new bedding for s and a couple of new blue with subtle check shirts for me and a couple of dark crimson t shirts and tops.
Soo busy busy day. Can't believe its neatly ten at night!
I'm a happy daddy tonight, have money issues and id like a direction with other aspects of my life or at least some idea as to what w wants for her future but its all ok for this evening. S has a cough on the go which has me a little concerned but he's had some cough medicine, has no temp (yes made sure I have a thermometer - call me too organised) and apart from the cough has been in fine form.
Interesting that he's showing a lot of signs of independence that I dont remember showing until my teens, before bd I'd have exploded at some of the pushing he does from time to time (e.g. not coming off screens etc and saying yes ok I'm off when he's not) normal stuff for his age, no stress now, just had a calm conversation, we discussed it and moved on no fuss.
I noticed he says I love you daddy a lot now, just reassure him when he does and lots of hugs. He seems a happy munchkin. There's undoubtedly a lot of processing going on but he seems happy.
Anyway been a good day, good weekend. Had s since 5:30 friday. I wonder what impossibility will change next? And no, no expectations just curiosity
Time with your S sounds fantastic. Really glad for you and S. Take care. Rd
Edz
Just time darling Edz and S, just takes time
Let it unfold in time.
Really happy for Edz, S and of course W
V
Well its monday.
And so begins day 4 with s.
Texted w this morning to ask was she feeling better and asked her was she coming around or should i come round later on or something else?
She texted back later was better for her as shes still not too well.
So showered, shaved, sorted myself and then made s breakfast (only black coffee for me since its a weekday - no food till tonight). Turned on the laptop to work from home and its stuck needing an override password for its security. Now a. I can get this sorted over the phone but b. i have small one right here c. this me 180d on work over all and d. if theres such a thing as signs this is a biggie.
Called my collegue (my boss has been reshuffled and hes off anyway) and used a leave day short notice. Called w (who sounds god awful this morning) and said dont worry get yourself back to bed and feel better Ive got s for today.
So, day 4.
We're off to the library shortly (although s is a little reluctant to leave the house, warmth and tv screens) and then see what else we can do today.
No idea if w sees all this as a good thing but she's happy with him being here and with me, s is happy to be with me and Im with him so any positivity on db with m is great and all but not the the most important thing in play.
It's alright I tuned up xh re s17 walking the streets.
you know perhaps I should not have, but for many years he would have thrown a huge tanite and made threats.
Finally I got I about 8 truth darts. Which didn't go down very friggen well. But no abuse.
Hi Gg, did you go into that before, dont remember you talking about it but possible i missed a posting. Dont need to if you dont want to though
Ah just caught up with that on your thread Gg
Well, we're off to the library as soon as I can get small stuff to get his ever loving socks on
Have a cappuccino Gg
Catch you all soon
I made a big custard, only ate half, but I ate dinner too!
My desires are returning, well from the flue for food.
I thought the s17 stuff should be in my thread, not littlering up yours.
Thanks gg yes made complete sense as does your approach on it, only so many times you can hold up the road runner signpost he has to want to follow it!
Not sure I should comment on desires returning (ducks)
Ahh well, just taken s back. Stayed for a coffee but then made sure to go without trying to hang on. Didn't want to as I wasn't looking forward to the empty house but did with a smile of my face.
Been a great weekend and a bonus Monday, back to getting on now.
W still isn't too well but s has an early art course tomorrow so wasn't really a sensible option except for him to go back sadly. W wasn't too talkative which I tried not to take personally as she's probably not feeling like a long conversation. Working out what I can do this evening to avoid going too emo will sort dinner shortly and maybe a bath and a movie. Back in the office tomorrow and swimming tomorrow night.
Hate the downswing I get when he goes back and there's no one here.. It'll pass soon enough.
One dinner and a soak in the bath later headed for bed and fired up a couple of movies.
Some days it's easy this evening not so much.
Anyway just felt like journalling.
Hi Edz, sorry you're having a low evening. I've noticed you always feel a bit down coming back home after some time with S...it will pass my friend.
Well, I had a long day out. Full day with clients at work, then dinner. Just got home - robe on, glass of wine, DB catch up...
Enjoy your movies...:-)
Hi toots
Its being with him, my family and then on my own again, throws it into sharp relief again momentarily I'm going back through it all. Gets easier each time and its really a case of magnifying feeling lonely.
It'll pass. It gets better each time.
Oh edzs
I was refearing to eating my dinner! Lol
but you knew that.
It's tough if you don't like being home alone. I watched pitch perfect last nigh often was just wandering trying to get stuff done while listening to the music. Perhaps loud music can fill the space?
Thanks gg...ah I see
Yes its the quiet and emptiness. Do exactly that when it gets too much.
Well have to get going this morning. Office today.
Morning edz.
Hope your feeling better this morning and reflecting on the awesome positive that you had S for 3 nights
Its to be expected as a bit of regression to the mean, the bigger the upswing the more you'll notice the downswing a bit like going back to work after an awesome holiday feels harder than a normal monday.
But thats where the whole be grateful and optimistic comes in - potentially its only 3 or 4 nights til you have S again.
Morning Jim
Yes not too bad today, deliberately chose to be in the office this morning rather than WFH.
Yup it was pretty awesome friday night, sat, sat night, sun, sun night, monday to 5:30 thats pretty amazing given a few months back.
Really I just still feel lost on w, i want to move on either with her or without but there are certain things I simply cant do while I have this limbo state and its frustrating. Especially since s and I have made soooo much progress in our r.
Its all just impatience and I know that, I'll have it back under control today
Quick swim tonight as the pool was manic busy but got a 45 minute go.
Finished the casserole off mmmm. S hasn't been well today apparently w sent me a jokey email this morning saying ok, think you broke him but he must be fairly ok as they went up to the shopping centre and I think s was at the game store.
Other than that chaotic day at work dealing with multiple teams who didn't seem to be talking to each other and just chilling out now.
Still feel a little low but from a really would like someone here apart from bft, she's great and furry but not much of a conversationalist!
So meh, ok day but nothing great.
Hi Edz. Sounds a little like a down swing after the up swing of the great weekend with your S The good thing is you had the up swing !
Stay positive mate , who I owe what's around the corner ?
Take care. Rd
Hi rd
Yeah I know, who could have predicted where I am now with s. Just feels a little low after such a good time and a bonus Monday to boot.
Firstly not doing anything, know better, but really having a tough time wondering is there something I should be reaching out to w.
Seems were in an orbit around each other right now and I dont see her making any moves towards talking or going or getting closer. Probably Mr fixit getting fed up with his Lego definitely triggered by being back by myself after s being here for an extended stay.
Never mind. I'm honestly relaxed, gal swimming tonight nice dinner glass of wine and headed for bed as it was a long day and an early start tomorrow. Just feel pensive and dont know what to do to break this stasis, talk, dont talk, dont pursue fair enough but then....what?
You should maybe get Mr Fixit one of those bigger Lego Technic sets. Take the instructions out, but he still needs to build the monster truck. That should keep him going for a while.
I know what you mean anyway. I think you have to trust the process here. In recent weeks, you and your W have been in a pretty good place - that's great. But I like RD's analogy of stars and planets. You may see lots of little stars, which could indicate a change of heart. What are your stars? Sitting on the couch under a rug, talking, her texts about nothing important. But, what you need is a planet. And until you have a planet, or unless you decide you're done - you just need to keep on keeping on.
Maybe shift your focus....how did you get on at the gym? Did you join in the end? And what about another GAL activity for the lovely Edz?
BFT isn't conversational? One of my friends has a talking dog. He doesn't bark when you arrive, but you can hear him in the kitchen going gwooargaoooooorgg. He's very conversational!
Hi toots, yup signed up for the gym was sposed to go Sunday but had s an extra day. We will be sorting out some gym clothes so he can come with me, meantime I'm going friday.
Bft meeps and makes sorrowfull yelps but only at dinner times, or when her sofa is occupied by pesky pink blobs who are only good for dinner preparation and making comfy beds...
I suppose the planets look so close through a telescope I'm looking to make a rocket, keeping on so far has got me here, were talking after a sort, s and I are doing well and w respects that and is happier with us being together. I know w knows how I feel she doesn't need to be told again but how she feels? Nothing since august/sep on that one no movement away or back.
Its all a little confusing for a bear of little brain like lil old me
I doubt that you have a bear brain. And it any case you are nearer the stars than the rest of us.
I have been reading with pride and great joy of your weekend with S. The question is for Edz, how does Edz hang on to the glow after S is home?
That wonderful feel good cosy like the Lidl blanket. That has to be a really big DB step.
Really pleased for Edz and S
And of course the BFT in non squeak mode.
V
Toots mr fixit was actually dating my ms do it my way I know how to fix that.
Perhaps they broke that!
Stormy day here today, all out side surf has been cancelled lightning and thunder scares me. Dogs are shivering as close to me as possible the biatch is alternating between pacing and hiding in my arm pit. She's not so brave at times.
Hope your dreaming nice dreams edzs.
I did some cute dude rescued me.
Hi gg
Glad your dreams were warm and fuzzy, not sure on mine alarm drove through them like a lorry today whaaaaaa!
Think Mr fixit and ms are still on he decided to pay me a visit is all. Better today
So Edz - any discussion around next weekend? We just passed hump day over here. Only 2 days to the next one!
Well first chance to take a break and coffee, mmm coffeee.
Not much to report on, as posted went to bed early as I had an early conf call today. New laptop working but missing a lot of software which the desktop support team have so far failed to, well, support. Never mind enough to let me carry on.
Was not with it this morning, managed to nick the lobe on my nose shaving which always takes an eternity to stop bleeding as it flexes and starts again (just above the filtrum) also makes it itchy and if you rub it off we go again!
Did drop an extremely toned down card round to w while I know she is out with s at ice skating. Nothing mushy, no long rambling declarations of love or pursuit just a card aknowledging the day. Hard call to make as she tunes in and out but it felt the better option than not.
No "wife" or love yous at all just a valentine card to mark the day. We'll see if it was right or not I suppose.
So now just working, remembered to get the chicken out for a nice curry tonight which im looking forward to and other than that not much going on but work really.
Feel better in myself now, as V, toots, jim,ganb8te and more of you kind people mentioned need to find a way to sort the down swing when s goes back or if w & s visit and then go. Those are my "danger" times when I plumit. Sometimes I can just haul my sorry behind to the pool etc and work through but sometimes not, also need to watch out for comfort eating then - resisted it so far!
Anyway, people to do things to talk to....err no strike that, reverse it.
Catch you all later.
Tis ok, my ms I know how to do that let me it for you, goes wild over time rhc.
That's why I tend to think that's not a smart one to date, no matter how much the ego wants to.
So Edz - any discussion around next weekend? We just passed hump day over here. Only 2 days to the next one!
Now you need to be careful with names like hump day around here G!
So far, friday im off to the gym which im looking forward to, treadmill and some upper toning to start with then maybe a swim.
Saturday picking up small stuff, not sure on the itenary yet as we'll see what the weather is like, maybe a trip bowling as a suprise then lunch out. S will stay over sat night and sunday morning may try making pancakes for him then he'll probably want some downtime.
As to valentines, well dropped a card off to wife which was the least valentinesy valentines I could find but seemed the right thing to do, not breaking the contact / pursuit rules but certainly seeing how bendy they are, pretty much down to me still having difficulty reading whether she likes being in constant touch and is testing the waters, just wants friends but is aware of my boundry or if "thing" is still, well, a thing. As always if she sounds interested I'll throw a no strings invite re bowling or whatever but if shes not interested no worries, no expectations is becoming a thread running through me like rock now...
Hows about you?
Tis ok, my ms I know how to do that let me it for you, goes wild over time rhc.
That's why I tend to think that's not a smart one to date, no matter how much the ego wants to.
Yes worries me slightly that if w and I dont r and I look to a new r then I'm going to have to muzzle mr fixit to want to solve their problems as well as the codependency monster being caged up.
How about rhc as a buddy for now? May be nice for him too and may be a comfort if he's scared of committing too much as yet. Never know may become something else later. Despite some mental pictures (steady now) still trying to get an idea of your locale, is it very rural or are there new places you can get to go explore and see who you can meet, get new interests etc?
Of course also depends if thats what *you* want right now matey, are you happy just seeing the view for now? Nothing wrong with that, I get from your posting on the dream (not to mention some ive had) its tempting and comforting to just want to find and be with someone who wants to be with you too right now, one reason to take things slowly and decide what you want and why you want it
I don't know where I am, and to be honest I, sure that comes thru.
Early on I decided you know what sinlge for ever sounds good. Then perhaps casual see what comes along.
I live far enough from even the cloest town that most will phone before dropping in. Work is 40min commute. Rhc lives close to an hour commute to town where I work.
Light and friendly is where it is, if he actually rocked up to our dinner and being where it is he could as he's been invited. If I can get over myself I will invite again. I might die of exciotment, so much about him is actually a 180 on h.
Well the advice from the non mr fixit in me is if you're honest with yourself you know how much you're willing to share of your (no puns here right now) personal space, how far into that bubble you're happy for people to be.
It comes across as very clear you're into rhc, as weve both said it may be tricky to supress you're ms i can fix that but I think you both know what its like to be hurt, just take things at your pace and where you're comfortable to go, ok
Well good eveeeeeening all.
Just cooking dinner so 5 minutes to catch up and post.
W called this afternoon whilst I was on a conf call. Called her back no mention of card so didn't bring it up. Ostensibly called to ask me to pick up some bits from the garage (mil is putting the contents of their garage in there - aaand thats not my argument so letting her let them walk all over her as always anyways moving on) said sure no worries w then was decompressing over s and his screen hang up, resisted mentioning she gave him an old mobile but did suggest she look at time limiting apps we spoke about his h.e. simply said that regardless of our outcome we should look to maybe get a tutor or similar (I think the shine on 24/7 contact and teaching may be a little scuffed at present) reiterated I'm happy to get involved around weekend events and after work.
Was a nice conversation but she needed to get off and deal with s so told her go. Went around this evening and picked up the bits some are mixed hers and mine she said ok bring back what's hers also asked me to take S's fish tank I said we really should ask him but she said no take it so fine will set it up this weekend for him and let him pick a new fish.
Went in for a coffee and a short chat, could see card unopened on the bookcase so didn't mention it.
We both briefly had a chat with s over coming off screens when asked, petted the other cat and headed off to get on with dinner. W asked for a hand with the rubbish (they have a big paladin bin and her back is bad, s can't reach) trying not to do too much for her but equally dont want to be awkward so sorted.
Now home and dinner on. Meh not a bad interaction but I always feel like I'm summoned to talk and then she stops herself, for now ok but every time I feel a bit more like there's less to save maybe...mm not sure.
Anyway on with the curry, back later!
Enjoy your curry!
Bft and I did, I got the curry and rice bft had me removing the curry and feeding her chicken, not sure which of us is worse!
Evening Edz, you sound a little pensive following your interactions with your W. Sorry she hasn't opened the card yet.....but who knows, maybe she is saving it until the day?
I'm thinking of sending a joint text to H and SS. We often celebrated Valentines together, so I thought I might stick to the same approach as at Xmas and see what happens. Not sure yet, but thinking about it, and want to be able to do it with no expectations.
Yoga GAL for me tonight....are you looking forward to your new gym regime?
Hi toots
Not worried about her opening the card, as you say not the day. Also sticking to the mantra, no expectations!
Less pensive tonight than Monday, full of curry for a start
just a bit confused and,yes,sad that she seems to be revved up to chat then.....says nothing sometimes.
Also a bit fed up on my own but on the whole ok this evening!
Yes surprisingly looking forward to the gym providing its not full of uber fit 20something's!
No addiction in my family really but lots of issues growing up with parents and grandparents, not going to take over your thread though, come over if you want to chat on it. I do understand some of the control and manipulation aspects of it though because of that, obviously MIL narcissism on w is another problem entirely but not one I can solve which I've finally accepted.
Originally on Vs thread following discussions of alcoholic parents.
What do you see as the main issues Edz?
Parents and grandparents?
V
Hi v
In my case mum was always I'll and indeed died at 45 so she was loving overcompensated and spoiled me when she was there, my dads job took him away for months at a time (non military) which left me with our live in grandparents.
My nan was ok if not the most approving sort but my grandfather was old,old school and controlling and manipulating in the extreme.
I had no real choice but to grow up early, by 9 I was sharing in chores (big stuff, washing,ironing,shopping solo) and school and trying to keep them both ok if my mum was in hospital.
Honestly I dont know if he was an alcoholic but if not he was close, home brew 3 litre or the 70s equiv of it of beer every night and what we would now call abusive to nan. Yet he was always the victim of life he would say. He also manipulated my mother and distanced my dad.
I think my dad always resented them being there (mums parents)
As well.
Didn't realise a lot of the issues I had and why I had problems relating to s until I had counciling last year and realised hes going through a childhood I missed out on so I have issues relating, that plus internalised frustration at w distancing me put me in a bad place. I'm not saying I'm deliriously happy now of course but I think this is better than those dark days.
Thanks for asking v
So I noticed w listed up on fb that she had issues sleeping and ended up using a meditation app until she wok up at 3am. Wonder if that was the mindfulness one Jim was talking about?
Anyway no contact to me.off on a conf call the first of many today in a mo. Another fairly dull one ahead as far as I know today. But well see what I can make of it by this evening.
Will check in when I can guys. Fewer posts this week maybe a little related to my moods but work is tapping me out as well. Oh well at least I'm sleeping in bed by 9:30 every night so far.
Of to bed with the
chicks I meant chooks.
Sleep is good, not working this week reset my bad habbit of fiddling on the net and watching tv till midnight at times.
Night Gg get a good sleep and feel better. Doubtless catch you later today (my time)
Morning Edz,
that childhood doesnt sound like it was the most fun but its good you've got an understanding of how it affected your relationship with S.
How is mr fixit doing with his sticklebricks? I get the sense that he might be a bit restless at the moment.
Hi Jim
yes he's been a bit of a pain last few days (mr fixit not s) he's off with Ggs ms I can fix that for you I think at the moment
No it wasnt the best, in some ways I remember good times (mostly when mum was well), flipside was I was massively independent, self reliant and was (in retrospect) running a household at 9 so nothing domestic really bothers me (I'd make someone a really good househusband - any millionaresses around?)
That was (and to a much lesser degree now I understand it) is why I get confused at s and his not wanting to be more independent and pursue activities. I think w does baby him too much, I think she may be starting to see that too and we had a call yesterday that touched upon the fact that at his height and age we have 3 years or so, then he can get on his bike or a bus or walk to friends or wherever he wants and what I say or she says about his schedule isnt going to mean too much unless he respects it!
Emailed w this morning to ask about weekend and see if she wanted to head out with s and I bowling etc, got a reply politely declining as she wants to finish up sorting decorating s's room. Oh, and asking can I pay her initial council tax as she hasnt had her assessment through yet.
Was torn and I did consider saying no to this, w has spent out on rugs and soft furnishings when I've held back and only focussed on spending in s's room really. Right now though she's going through a lot, she has effectively lost her job etc having said that almost all of this is due to her decisions.
Went back and wanted her to understand impacts without being awkward.
Simply said no worries on saturday and she indeed should get on with what she needs to do. Pointed out Im hurting for money at the moment but I don't want to see her get dragged to court, s and I will do something less costly than bowling and going out to lunch, so pay the initial payment from the joint account. Said that we should get together and discuss finances soon as we should move off the joint account, that im not pushing anything but I'd like to know what her plans are with her cc payment, house insurance and tv which she bought on our cc. Said I am in no way pushing but we should address these, Im not trying to push into her space or push her for decisions and indeed im making my own right now and dont want to crowd her.
Finished by saying I'll be there about 9:30ish saturday and best not to mention bowling to s in case we dont go but we'll have fun anyway
More I see the more I feel w is not coping well. She's always done the same in taking on too many things but previously she would then pass off the overspill to me and I would quietly (well maybe with a grumble) get on with it. In this case she's not getting support. Her M&D are as always unreliable, they will help when its convenient but have now switched to being focussed on their house sale and looking where they want to rent further north, w's flat is not a priority except to use the garage. Indeed the fridge is still in the middle of the kitchen after 4 weeks. W will not tackle them on this of course and unless it impacts s I'm simply not getting involved in it.
Well, I'll help with CT as its the right thing to do but I get the impression w would rather have everything collapse around her ears and point to me rather than make any move to r - at least at the moment.
Hey ho, cant all be good news I suppose
It's a women thang, I wouldn't ask at times when I knew others were under pressure.
But then my needs went further down the list and down and down. So it meant like the fridge things didn't happen for weeks.
If you read the dance of anger, they have dozens of name nasty one that describe an a very woman and none for men!
If as a woman you nagg or remind anyone they call you a nagging woman. Smae as taking on too much. Feminism say we women can have it all, we deserve it.
Home work children happy home.
Hell my own mum raised 3 kids grew all our veg, sewed our clothes worked but never attended a single school function. Dad cheated all the time worked In Fits and starts earnt good money when working but I between nothing.
It's tough some times to find a balance as a woman. When my s17 didn't get his way he called me selfish and neglectful. H words regurgitated. He thinks threats and abuse is the way to go, both h and then by expample s17.
Hi Gg (firstly shouldnt you be asleep isnt it after 11
)
Yes I've always said to w you dont have to agree to everything no one can do it all and neither should you need to, she just seemed to hate saying no to anyone (bar me).
W always said she didnt feel she needed to pretend or placate me which was nice to know but mostly just meant I got pushed to the bottom of the pile unfortunately.
You can probably tell from my posts Im not a fan of misogyny, my view was always share responsibilities unfortunately with our issues w felt i pushed everything s related to her and she was probably right but overlooked the root cause of it all - our communications had stopped.
I must admit Im torn at the moment, if I do too much, get too involved then im (a) friend zoning myself which I had said I wouldnt do and was a boundry and (b) Im taking impacts of her decisions away but I know shes having issues with that balance right now and I dont want her to think I simply dont give a d@mn or just making everything ok for myself as thats the furthest from the truth its possible to get.
Unfortunately she simply wont sit down and talk about it all, in august she said we'll talk finances, apart from blowing up at me when I got rid of what I thought were dead direct debits she's not tackled any of it with me. She said she'd give me payments for her tv in dec,jan and feb...erm, nothing. I refactored most of the debt so I can handle it (w only took her credit card bills).
Ultimately I want to help and will of course do so for anything relating to s but its not an easy balance and while Im practicing detatchment for my own sake, I worry she is storing up trouble for herself right now and what that means in relation to s.
Confusing times
Winds clock back, it's not!
Procrastination In full swing. I needed to wait for hot water to heat. It was cold. I need a tub. I have gal coffee with a mate tomorrow and I cannot stink her out.
Ah ok you get a pass for being a thoughtful coffee companion (but dont fall asleep in the tub
)
Edz, I've liked reading your situation and updates for a bunch of reasons as i've said a few times. the main one being the growth in you that is really really obvious. your doing a great job particularly with your S.
although its very different your post a couple up is one of your best to my mind and for a whole bunch more reasons but it has engaged my mr fixit. Hopefully you dont mind me giving him a little bit of exercise.
she just seemed to hate saying no to anyone (bar me).
So you talk about how she could say no only to you. what is great here is that to my mind (and others may think im delusional) but this shows she really loved you, enough to feel comfortable and that she could be herself around you. You were one less thing to worry about in an ocean of worry. How you reacted is probably where some of the problems lie - you felt that she pushed you to the bottom of the pile - rather than saw it as being you being supportive.
how would you deal with this differently in future relationships?
Im not a fan of misogyny, my view was always share responsibilities unfortunately with our issues w felt i pushed everything s related to her
Yes definitely seen that in your posts. edz you come accross as a proper gentleman (the 'thing' is a great example). and i'll admit feeling a little worse about myself in comparison.
communication was part of it (a massive part) but generally i would say that poor communication was the warfare rather than the conflict. is there any chance that you resented anything that seemed higher in the pile than you?
And did you push it to wife or did you just leave it there for her to do?
(a) friend zoning myself which I had said I wouldnt do and was a boundry
So what is your boundary? Is it you dont want to be friends with your wife? or is it you dont want to be friends if she was dating someone else? and what do you see as the friend zone?
women (generalising) work on emotional connection to build attraction. she will need to feel safe and connected to you. my wife and I were friends for well over a year before we got together.
In the absence of OM, how would you see the relationship without growing without being friends?
I have no idea, genuinely. some people advocate no contact as a way to make them miss you but there seems to be warmth and care between you and so I think you need someone wiser and more experienced than I to weigh in.
(b) Im taking impacts of her decisions away
this is something you need to figure out and is probably worth exploring some more because she is leaning on you and financially more than she should. Its up to you if you are ok with that, but i'm not convinced you are.
in your response to my earlier post you said a few times about how your not pushing on a couple of these issues and to be honest i would say (and it might be me misreading tone) that the edz doth protest too much....
it might be time in the near future to figure out a strategy on this one.
I hope you dont mind me commenting/questioning like this but i thought what you said was really interesting
Confusing times
yep!
No worries Jim, no point in being open if you dont invite questioning and criticism to allow an external view on your actions!
So lets take a looksee
How you reacted is probably where some of the problems lie - you felt that she pushed you to the bottom of the pile - rather than saw it as being you being supportive. how would you deal with this differently in future relationships?
Yes, you're right and I took it as such the problem was w then took that to mean I required no attention. Nothing physical, no touching no conversation in the evening or time alone with her. I'm very low maintenance but I do require some time and affection especially from someone so important. Different? In this m or a new r I wouldnt allow myself to not comment. I'd pushed my own concerns and upset over not being thought of way down inside instead of saying wife I need to talk about this.
And did you push it to wife or did you just leave it there for her to do?
This was the spiral we got into that caused diviion between us and also caused the relationship problems with s. I got hung up on work and I got hung up on feeling unwanted and so threw myself into work and isolating myself from the world. W took on all responsibilities for s partly because she wanted to and partly because I wasnt there as I was working or involved in something else. I own that one and its what I've been reversing since August. Work is important but I let it get too important and ended up with money worries and on my own, not a mistake I'll make again.
So what is your boundary? Is it you dont want to be friends with your wife? or is it you dont want to be friends if she was dating someone else? and what do you see as the friend zone?
Yes, that may not be too clear from my postings. My one and only boundry is if we divorce I cant continue the friendship the way it is. I simply wouldnt move on, I'd be an onlooker while she did and if she found someone I'd stand by and watch and get emotionally crushed. Am I saying I'm done? No, simply that I'd need more emotional distance. Right now w comes and goes, one minute she's very distant then next she's eating in the kitchen and sitting on the sofa with me. I'd need some stability and a little more distant. Thats the only real boundry and not that I would want nothing to do with her but that I couldn't be like this.
Right now I try to mirror her contact with a few white doves thrown in. If she doesnt contact me I'll ping her an email saying about weekend activities or confirming time with s and occasionally asking if she wants to join. She can choose to ignore the extra bits and I'll respect that but we do back and forth more from time to time.
W is the queen of passive aggressive though (I dont claim to be an angel on this but Im a lot better since I had counselling) if she gets an email or I say something she doesnt like she withdraws, I'm not sure if thats to make me chase her or if she just feels she needs to reassert control but I dont make the mistake of pushing at that point anymore. Next time I contact her will be because I'm asking something or letting her know something, not to say "are you ok?".
it might be time in the near future to figure out a strategy on this one.
I have to a certain extent and yes I do protest too much. In the next couple of months if things go as I hope they will it should be a different picture. I'll have my wages and bills on a separate account, the joint one will revert to hers and things will be a lot simpler.
We shall see I suppose
Uh Oh
W just posted on FB that she is giving FB a rest for a while but is still contactable. Could be Valentines Day Blues but pinged her a quick personal email asking anything up I can help with (and yes, I see the irony after just saying I dont email are you ok messages
this was a public posting though saying she's giving it a rest, she lurrrrves facebook so not sure whats happened..)
Oh dear whats broken now?
Ok now I know she read it (read receipt) over an hour ago. Whatevers up she doesnt want to talk. I've sent a text saying ok, im not going to spam her and i respect her space, call if she wants to talk but I wont contact her again until Saturday morning otherwise, be safe.
Not sure whats up but something's got to her. Well Im here if she needs me, cant do much else without pursuing / stalking her.
Aaand that was dinner, full of pizza now need a lie down carb overload!
Nothing from w and as mentioned I'm staying dark unless she contacts me. Not sure what's up, concerned but I know she knows anything I can help with she can call and hasn't sooooo ...reasons.
Anyhoo chill out time,am I doing the right thing, is this just being detached or should I be more concerned? I'd have been out of my mind 6 months ago, strangely calm tonight,odd...
Hi edz. Back to my previous refrain about the pub.
It could be anything and not worth worrying about at the moment. It could easily be something really boring and mundane. Your w knows youre there for her, beyond that there isn't much else you can do - its not your sandbox.
So I'd say your doing the right thing by just chilling out (under the throw?). Calm is good
Chicken curry for me tonight - just waiting on rice
Hi Edz, I'll use V's phrase again, because I really like it - best not to worry about that, no doubt things will unravel in time....or words to that effect.
Who knows Edz? You offered help and a listening ear, and that's all you can really do now. Might FB have any relation to 'thing?"
I would say, relax and enjoy your evening, and think of some nice (cheap, due to C tax bill) GAL activities for the weekend. BTW, reading your interaction with your W about the C tax bill, you sounded quite apologetic for even broaching it. But, your W has made choices that have consequences, and this is one. Are you being a little too helpful, do you think?
Hi guys
No throw yet turned on (pauses for dramatic effect) the heating this evening as I was cold.
Mm chicken curry had that last night!
Thanks toots, honestly no idea had a peek at her public timeline (no access to her private one obviously) nothing obvious. Could be connected nothing that I've seen on thing since it cropped up but who knows?
This weekend s and I will be...ready.??
Baking, were going to make some brownies and well go buy a fish since w insisted on the tank coming here from the garage.
I dont know toots, I might be. These are indeed her decisions but she seems to act like everythings against her, I just don't understand what else she's expecting to happen? Keep assuming its me not understanding maybe it isn't..
Mmmm pub ....Jim, you need to head to the south coast, you too toots and v if you're about!
Me and toots are both in the Midlands, you need to head up t'north. Said with marvellous fake northern accent.
Its a difficult balance for you because on the one hand I feel like you need to be a safe harbour (back to nautical metaphor) and on the other you need to sort this stuff. I don't think apologetic is the right tone but then neither is confrontational
Hmmmmm......thinking......
Ya'll need to head down to London I say!
You and gg coming g?
I'd need to head UP to London though
March 5-15! Just me though.
Mmmm interesting guys do we have the basis of a get together going on here and will we get in bother with the mods?
W texted, she just wants to focus on s for a while. Not sure how fb stopped that but not doubting her, she's ok, I'm fine with that.
Aaand were back on light texting.. One of our teen favourite band lead singers just died so were chatting on that. So confusing to me...
Confusing though it may be, remember to enjoy your interactions with W when you do have them. I remember reading this in the robx quote and having a bit of a light bulb moment. Fussing over what it all means, means we're not in the present enjoying the moment. We'll never get that moment back. Live it well!
Oh I do, g. I just miss her is all.
Were you one of those wearing a towel round your neck I the 80s Edz? :-)
Rule one of being around in the 80s dont discuss what you wore in the 80s
well i just looked at the news and i've never even heard of them, but having said that i was a bit young for the 80s scene. mid 90s thats the place....
FB is one hell of a distraction. it might just be that your W found she is missing moments with S by being distracted. as Ganb8te says enjoy the moment while you're in it.
London is only about an hour on the train.......
I was wearing a leather jacket, black drainpipe jeans, Chelsea boots and a variety of band t-shirts in the 80s.
London is 1.40 from my flat. It's only 60 miles but the train is sooooo slow. Is this relevant?
Never heard of them
Fade to grey?!?!?
Mmmm pub, that will be on the weekend
Am down on the south coast at the moment. It is windy but I love it.
More on my thread will not hijack yours Edz. I am waiting for your new thread and then will post about the childhood issues.
V
80s....now we're talking! I made a burgundy ra ra skirt for O'Level sewing. Saw Duran Duran in concert, threw a rose at Simon Le Bon. He picked it up and said thank you. Had my hair cut like Suzanne from Human League with a little pony tail in the back. My Mum made me cut it off.
I'm an hour and a half by train from London..quite often go down there for this & that..
part 13 is here guys, lucky for some?
80s....now we're talking! I made a burgundy ra ra skirt for O'Level sewing. Saw Duran Duran in concert, threw a rose at Simon Le Bon. He picked it up and said thank you. Had my hair cut like Suzanne from Human League with a little pony tail in the back. My Mum made me cut it off.
And what happened to the Ra Ra skirt?
V