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How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2

Posted By: HPoirot

How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/05/15 12:55 AM

My journey so far... http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rted&page=1

Starting a new thread as I backslid from focusing on my growth and happiness back into drama with W.

Did some pursuit after W said she missed me...more pursuit and arguing after W scheduled an out of town trip to party on her time with S12 without asking me... distracting emotional swing after W left an apology VM this morning... and teaching W a lesson today by again poking W on her trip this weekend.

So yes like you said Wonka at the end of the last thread... I let my irritation with W VM turn to anger over her trip to the West Coast this weekend. I did not engage with her in an argument... I just asked the question and then said I understand... wanted to now the truth... thanks. Still, damage was done as she sent a bunch of angry texts and a VM.

Like PM said... my emotions still drive my actions. I wanted her to know I'm pissed at the inconsiderate way she is taking this trip and I'll hammer her for any perceived disrespect. I did not do myself a favor today and was not at all productive today for work.

I messed up today and now I'm back to GAL.

For the last 2 weeks I've had S12 most every night. I've been taking him sledding, out to eat, and to his basketball game.

I will have him again this weekend and next week. I'm committed to at least take him bowling.

As for me... I have not been to Crossfit or anything else since the last time. I've identified a few things I'm signing up for...

Samba dancing class
Acting class
Scuba certification class

I'm also getting back into hackathon volunteering. There was also a good idea here about volunteering at an animal shelter with S12.

There was also the divorce support group right up the road that I never checked out. That will be a stretch for me so I should go.

On the schedule Wonka...W's proposed schedule is not bad. Could just use some changes. She agreed to have them up on the new calendar so I can edit it tomorrow. I will give her until then before I tell her again. The new calendar can also show on S12's phone for him to see.

I was reading Crimson's thread for the first time. He went through a lot, made a lot of mistakes, and it looked pretty hopeless. It took years to get where he is too.

I hear it everyday... marathon not a sprint. No reason for me to spend all this time with W's anger and changes and manipulations.

Time finally to find a life.
Posted By: Karma12

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/05/15 01:06 AM

Don't beat yourself up too much HP. We all backslide. The important thing is to Lear to recognise patterns and change our behaviour. We only have control over ourselves.
Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/05/15 07:00 PM

Updating...

Checked at lunchtime today and W had not moved the calendar to the new website with change tracking as she said she would.

Send her a text... "Hello W. When can I check the new calendar today?"

Reply... "HP I wasn't able to do it. I will as soon as I can. I am so sorry."

I text... "W. This is not right. You said yesterday you would have it done today."

She then called and I let it go to VM. I do archive all her VMs.

Then she texted... "Left you a VM. Hope you can be flexible!"

In her VM, she talked about how she can't drive and text. How she's busy with work, S12 not feeling well this morning, some other reason, for her not being able to get the calendar done. Asks me to keep using the Google calendar in the meantime. Said she'd try to move the calendar later today. If not, early next week.

She then changes the subject to S12's playdate over the weekend she's gone.


I ignore that and I reply... "Hello W. I prefer the change request tracking on the new calendar thanks. I'll look for the calendar there to confirm it later today."

She says... "Will do my best. Thanks."

So... part of DBing means I don't look to control her and I don't look to teach her life lessons.

At the same time, I expect her to do more things where she'll respond "I can't do it" as soon as tomorrow when I make my part of S12's tuition payment.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Seriously. Grow a pair and tell W in no uncertain terms that you expect access to the schedule. Your S12 deserves stability.

I'd be happy to assist with the email draft to W about the schedule. This nonsense needs to END right now. Up to you.


So I'm holding my pair. My approach is not working. How do I get this and every other "I can't/haven't done it" from W done?
Posted By: sandi2

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/05/15 07:19 PM

Quote:
So I'm holding my pair. My approach is not working. How do I get this and every other "I can't/haven't done it" from W done?


A higher power.
Posted By: LITB

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/05/15 07:19 PM

Can you create a calendar with your son's schedule, and then give her access?
Posted By: Maybell

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/05/15 07:29 PM

Why won't the Google calendar work? That's what my stbx and I use. We each have our own account and can code kid stuff without sharing the personal stuff. I have not yet encountered a calendar app that won't accept a Google calendar feed.
Posted By: Wonka

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/05/15 07:37 PM

HP,


Originally Posted By: HPoirot

I ignore that and I reply... "Hello W. I prefer the change request tracking on the new calendar thanks. I'll look for the calendar there to confirm it later today."

She says... "Will do my best. Thanks."


^^ That was calm and firm. Now it's her turn to make that happen.

Originally Posted By: HPoirot
So... part of DBing means I don't look to control her and I don't look to teach her life lessons.


That is the delicate balance one learns during the course of DBing and I think you can do this.

Originally Posted By: HPoirot
My approach is not working. How do I get this and every other "I can't/haven't done it" from W done?


I agree that it wasn't working previously until you sent that calm and firm text. This is a first for you and if you keep at it, she will have no choice but work with you. Otherwise she comes out as being "obstructionist" and "uncooperative." My gut instinct is that W really, really doesn't want S12 to see the schedule for she knows that she'll have to answer to him if she makes more changes.

Now, if you really want to ensure that W "cooperates", my suggestion is to keep track of your requests (original one) with date and make notations next to it on the type of excuse W comes up with. Then make another notation of a second reminder...along with whatever notation of "excuses" W comes up with (with dates).

That is the hard data that you can bring to the IC where you can discuss this out in the open with W. Let IC work with W on this by confronting her on her inconsistency and its impact on you and S12. You would want IC to do this so that takes the "heat" away from you.

I'd schedule a session with IC where both you and W can attend together since IC extended an invitation to you two, right? My recommendation is to schedule the session two weeks from now to allow you to compile enough "evidence" of W's avoidance from simple co-parenting tasks such as putting up a shared schedule.

Trust me...W will shape up FAST after the IC session where her actions will be called out by the IC.
Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/05/15 11:00 PM

Hello Wonka, Maybell, LITB, and Sandi. Got a text from W saying she has done the new calendar. I got email confirmation from the calendar site. I'll review it shortly.

Hello Maybell. The problem with Google calendar was W could make changes at any time without my approval. I set the Google Calendar to notify when a change was made and found her making changes without telling me. This new calendar requires any change to be approved by the other parent before they get on the calendar.

...

Went to pick up S12 from school today. The first thing he said to me... "So you and mom are not getting back together?" His mom told him that at their IC session 2 days ago.

I hid my anger pretty good. Told him that is what his mom wants. That I don't want that. I did start talking about how disappointed in his mom's decisions I am. I did stop b/c I remembered advice here and from IC not to bad mouth his mom in anyway. I don't believe he should think I wanted all this pain though. He already knows but it sounded to me like W was trying to say this was a mutual decision.

In any case... I'm looking more into filing D.

Just had my IC meeting over the phone. Again I let out my anger... how W could possibly ask me for help... over her apology and "I hope you can forgive me" VM... over what she told to S12... over how she could possibly ask to speak with me after all this... over how she strung me along and then sh!t on me... that I'm tied to this person through S12 for the next 10 years at least.

I said I hate W.

It was not intense anger like I've had. It was good to let it out.

IC said... now that I'm feeling this way... that I should consider talking to my attorney and file. I have him on retainer.

That I must let go of any hope that I have and really move on. That I am right to not respond to W unless absolutely necessary and eventually she'll get the message.

I told her about my one year plan before... that I would move on and work on myself but not file for a year. She said that still showed I had hope. That I didn't need to live in limbo.

She also said that she would continue to see W and S12 together... but not W alone. I asked IC if W had wanted to see IC alone again. She said no.

IC has been suggesting I completely drop the rope and move on and get a legal arrangement or D. Clearly IC knows all about what W is trying to do. So IC is helping me and S12 accept W's truth.

Also, IC mentioned again how I might meet with her and W to get my feelings about W out. W also mentioned doing that yesterday. I told IC I would not be in the same room with her. IC said OK so I'm sure she'll relay that to W.

IC validated my feelings and said one day soon all this will be like a bad dream. I hung up and did cry a little. I see I only feel these stronger emotions when I'm thinking or talking about them. I'm doing that less and less.

Right now I want control of my life. I'm going to ask L about full custody. I have the days I've kept S12 documented... her angry VMs and texts... her texts about how she couldn't keep her schedules.

Like Sandi says... I don't want this person and don't want anything to do with her. My happiness is important and there is a life much better out there for me. If I can legally get a way to minimize my dealings with her... then I take it.

I know I'm emotional after the IC talk. I'm calmer now but I'm not deciding anything.

I'll just keep going. Nothing has changed. I'll just make sure I know more about my rights... keep documenting everything... and don't do anything that would mess up my case.

Posted By: T-Mom

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/06/15 12:02 AM

HP,

You have inspired me so many times that I feel compelled to remind you of how much strength you, specifically, are capable of. My guess is that whatever is in the best interest of your son is what you will end up doing... regardless of hope or lack of hope. It does seem like your IC is more informed than you are b/c it's like she advised you to move forward with D... I don't know ANYthing, but I would have a really hard time with that coming from my IC, even though it probably will end up in D eventually.
Posted By: HeavyD

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/06/15 12:16 AM

We keep a Google calendar so we can both see the schedule and document who is making any changes, etc.... it's a good way to keep track.
Posted By: Vanilla

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/06/15 12:49 AM

HP

This is a difficult time for all of you, so keep smiling and biting tongue.

W will have her own space in a few days?

V

What is hackathon volunteering and where do I buy some! Must be dim but unable to trace this.
Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/06/15 12:59 AM

Hello T-Mom. Thank you so much for your kind words. I was just thinking about what I really need to do. In all the really difficult sitches I've read here that got to R or an even better life, the LBS really had to be completely moved on. Not thinking "there's no hope for my M" but instead "My life is great and I'm happy."

I agree my IC is better informed than I am. W had at least 1 session alone with her where I'm sure she explained everything. I'm sure W did this to tell IC how much she would love to do a joint session to smooth things out. W has been asking for this since day one. First as MC... then as co-parenting. So W manipulating again.

Even if that's true, it is good that we're all in the same IC and it doesn't change anything.

I need to focus on making my life what I want it to be. What I want most is to live in the sun as close as possible to a beach with my son. I want that by after his next school year.

So I have a year to figure it out. I won't buy a home here... I'll rent a nice place in 4 months. As W won't like me moving with S12... I'll get legal advice on how to make it happen. Then I'm making it happen.

If W ever wants to put effort into our family and I really really like what I see from her... I might consider her maybe.

But most likely I will enjoy being single and maybe find someone who likes the sunny outdoors and the sea as much as I do. I miss the water very much.

So I'm still on a year plan. Today I was very angry with W and it helped. She has been and is being an awful person and while that continues I'll have as little as possible to do with her. I get better at that everyday.

I'll protect my son from her mess as much as possible.

I'll get good advice and learn how to make my move to the sun. When S12 starts middle school will be a good time.

I'll keep busy the rest of the winter... keep getting myself together... keep living.

Keep going.
Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/06/15 03:17 AM

Hello Vanilla. It's great to hear from you. Yes I'll be biting my tongue with W. Talking with IC she recommitted me to not respond to anything that's not essential and be clear on my expectation that she does what she says. W has to get the message that I'm done talking and done helping.

As for her place... it was supposed to be this Monday but now it's next Monday. I'm not sure how she can do that and cover her part of S12's tuition payment. If she asks for help with it I'll reply... "No."

The amount of money she's spent on trips and sneakers and hotels and concerts and dinners is more than this month's tuition payment. If she can't keep up... I'll go to the L and see about primary or sole custody.

I'm done with this person making noise in my life.

Done.
Posted By: HeavyD

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/06/15 05:38 PM

H.P.

I am sorry to read that your situation has taken a turn for the worse. I am proud of you however for sticking to your ethical principles. I will always be inspired by you.

I am in the same boat although my wife now refuses to negotiate our divorce mediation. Our only communication is through email now. I am unsure what to do next. I will have to contact an attorney I guess. Until then, I will keep on keeping on. What else can we all do?

Keep us posted.

JAN
Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/06/15 07:19 PM

Hello Jan. I'm sorry your W won't negotiate with you. I'm also concerned about upcoming legalities with W.

Since yesterday I've been thinking about how it would be to just file for D myself. I've been here before. It happens when I let W piss me off.

If I think about it... I still do believe she and I could start a new and wonderful M if we were both happy and committed and had the right help.

I know I would be committed to do the work... but the W I know now not at all. She only shows me a commitment to leaving our M. I don't look forward to partnering with her to raise S12. I don't like her at all today. I don't know who'll she be tomorrow.

Thinking like that I want to file D immediately, go for full custody, and sever my connection to her as completely as possible. I recognize that's b/c I want more control in the sitch. I recognize doing it this way would likely kill any R possibility years down the road.

I know it's been only 2 months of physical separation and that focusing on W is not good for me. I've also not done enough GAL. I'm still not living a life that I love. I still have a lot to do.

So, I don't know that my situation has taken a turn for the worse. I look at sitches like Crimson's and LITB's and Denver_2010's. Although they all may not have all had severe lying and drama from a wayward W like us... they all had Ws that were committed to leaving and all had to suffer an OP at some point. It took years for the Ws in those sitches to change.

The LBSs didn't really have to have patience either. They all ran out of patience and moved on. They made better lives for themselves. So, when the Ws showed signs to want back in, it was a surprise... sometimes an inconvenient surprise... for the LBS.

It comes down again to just accepting where our Ws are and just reaching for a better life for ourselves without burning the bridge. To not at all try to save our Ms.

I think, if I filed for D today, I would do it in a way to crush my W and cut her from my life as much as possible so I can move without issue to South Florida. If I keep allowing myself to be disappointed by W... I'll do this.

And, even with all the amazing advice we get here, sometimes I'm also unsure what to do or if what I'm doing is working. I know now, when I feel that way, I'm still focusing on W and not on me.

So, I think, in both of our cases, we do what we can legally to protect ourselves but in the most calm way possible. Let the lawyers handle it and try not to take anything personally.

Also, it is me limiting my contacts with W to text, VMs, and email. I will not discuss anything with her in any way I can't document. I will not speak with her in any way that I'll end up yelling at her. I am polite every time I send her a text. I don't escalate arguments.

I think that's all we can do. Our Ws aren't coming back today. The only time they may come back is when we no longer care what they do.

Let's just get there.
Posted By: SunnyB

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/06/15 08:30 PM

Originally Posted By: HPoirot
I think, if I filed for D today, I would do it in a way to crush my W and cut her from my life as much as possible


HP, I know you are frustrated and venting here. We all do it. But I hope that's all this is, that you aren't remotely serious. That woman is your son's mother. Is that what you want to show him? (Nope......)

The weather in South Florida was fine today. I had lunch at an outdoor café. wink Maybe a vacation with S would do you some good, does he have a spring break coming up?
Posted By: Karma12

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/06/15 08:33 PM

I agree a vacation can be great therapy!
Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/06/15 09:47 PM

Hello rppfl and Karma. I do want S12's mom to be in his life. Yes saying "crush" was probably too much.

Still, in this state, I can get a more immediate D by proving her PA which I can. It also matters for spousal support. L also talked about how bringing her AP into the proceedings can be leverage.

As I get closer and very closer to not caring for any further R with W... I'm thinking more and more about doing whatever I must to get me where I want to be with my son.

I would prefer to have primary or sole custody of S12. So, if L says I have a good chance to get that... I'm going for it if it comes to that.

I have told only a couple people about her A. I have not bad mouthed her to any of her friends. Even though I want little to do with her right now, I would prefer to have a non confrontational relationship with her.

At the same time, she is confrontational and not reliable and I do want to move from this city. So I'm considering every real option to make that happen with my son.

During her meltdown after I confronted her on her PA and told her I was leaving with S12 to the condo, W said if her business is successful she would let me move down to South Florida with S12. She would then fly in every now and then to see him.

Even so, I don't want to take the chance of her telling me she doesn't remember saying that now. She conveniently forgets things when cornered.

That, and she has shown that S12 is not her priority unless I call her on something. This week, for example, she scheduled one night with S12 before I called her on leaving this weekend. Only after that she insisted on driving him to and from school, keeping him 2 nights, and organizing a playdate for him.

I don't want me or S12 to keep living like that.

So, even though she has never said she wants a D, and all she threatens now is a legal separation agreement... she has told our son we are not getting back together (without telling me she would beforehand). She is still trying to do her "transition" plan even though I ran it off the rails.

Just like when I left for the condo... I shouldn't wait around for her to experiment more with all our lives.

I'd prefer to take the lead and go for the life I want. Right now I'm liking the idea of me being the one who Ds her in a way that works for me and S12.

So I'm just looking into how that might happen.
Posted By: Starsky309

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/06/15 10:01 PM

Originally Posted By: HPoirot
Hello rppfl and Karma. I do want S12's mom to be in his life. Yes saying "crush" was probably too much.

Still, in this state, I can get a more immediate D by proving her PA which I can. It also matters for spousal support. L also talked about how bringing her AP into the proceedings can be leverage.

As I get closer and very closer to not caring for any further R with W... I'm thinking more and more about doing whatever I must to get me where I want to be with my son.

I would prefer to have primary or sole custody of S12. So, if L says I have a good chance to get that... I'm going for it if it comes to that.



Personally, I don't think your wife is a stable person. At least not right now. As just an outsider looking in (albeit frequently), I'd personally be getting closer (MUCH closer) to this position.

Tough stuff though, I realize.


Starsky
Posted By: SunnyB

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/06/15 10:04 PM

HP I understand your need to work the legal system. My state is no fault, and there's no primary custody concept. In some ways that relieves me of a lot of burden. I can let go of things you have to be concerned with. I just hope you'll be able to let go of them when the right time comes. Wishing you all the best.


And seriously a vacation in SoBe would do you a lot of good wink
Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/06/15 11:37 PM

Hello Starsky and rppfl. I'm very close to thinking, in my sitch and with my W, that filing D is the best thing for me to do.

For one, I said long ago in a casual conversation if she had an affair I would D her.

I also said, at the beginning of our sitch, that I would not live in an open marriage.

I did partially follow through on that by leaving for this condo.

Now the logical thing to do is to stay in charge of this thing and file D to get what works for me.

My W has acted very unstable at times. She described her worst screaming episode as a breakdown. She was in fear and scrambling for control.

Now that we've had some separation, she's been exerting control as Sandi says with her threats and calls and name calling and schedule changes and asking me to talk about child support for her like she's entitled to it.

So it's true... she's finding other ways to show disrespect all while saying sorry for disrespecting me. As has been said here... I would be crazy to want and try to rescue the person she is being now.

I want a happy, sexy, fun, smart, cuddly, better person. And if she's ever to respect me enough to want back in and be that better person herself... I have to respect myself and be a better person first.

This person has trampled on me and S12. I can't move on fully while I still allow her power in my life. As long as I don't have agreements legal, she'll make changes and threaten me any way she can. If she goes legal and I cave b/c I want to keep the road home smooth, then I'll end up paying her money to destroy our family.

I think the only way my M stands a chance is for me to show I'm not tolerant of her incredible behavior by doing what any self-respecting man would do and dump her firmly with the D.

Now, I still want to be empathetic and loving. She is the mother of my son. I still struggle with how and when to be loving. At this point, though, showing her warmth just gets me crushed and unhappy.

So, maybe I'm not DBing any more like DB coach Chuck says. I have one more appointment with him so I'll ask.

I will also send an email to my L with what I'm thinking and start using that retainer. Like in LITB's case where his W moved and he felt to fight to see his kids... I'm doing the same but I'm moving instead.

I know... I'm emotional about her telling S12 we're not getting back together. Last week I put on my ring feeling good about working on myself and letting W calm down and just letting time pass.

Now my ring is off. My W has been terrible. I feel empathy and I miss her and I would love us to be a happy family again. But, respect is a big thing for her in a man. The man I was when she met me would dump her.
Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/06/15 11:42 PM

Originally Posted By: rppfl
HP I understand your need to work the legal system. My state is no fault, and there's no primary custody concept. In some ways that relieves me of a lot of burden. I can let go of things you have to be concerned with. I just hope you'll be able to let go of them when the right time comes. Wishing you all the best.


And seriously a vacation in SoBe would do you a lot of good wink


Hello rppfl. Thank you for this post. What did you mean about letting go of them when the right time comes? Did you mean letting go of my concerns with this sitch when it's time to move on?

Also... funny about a trip to South Florida. That was where I was planning to take S12 for spring break. My OW from 5 years ago lives in Miami. We were going to get together for lunch just lunch and introduce our kids to each other. Then things got too real and we had to stop talking. I might go to Fort Lauderdale or Universal Studios instead.
Posted By: Wonka

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/07/15 12:44 AM

HP,

Isn't the IC a solution-based therapist with some DB training? That was the impression I got when you first reported about looking up this IC.

I am puzzled by IC's recent moves to get you to accept the D. I mean...you've only been at this not too long. What happened?
Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/07/15 12:54 AM

Hello Wonka. Yes the IC is solution-based but no I'm not sure she's very familiar with DB. SHe does not talk about any of the DB processes though she is big on detaching first and foremost.

I'm not sure if what I'm doing with her yet is solution-based as she's mostly asking me about what I'm going through emotionally and encouraging me to really detach and move on and get legal boundaries.

This could be a result of the one or more meetings IC has had with W. It was in IC's last session with S12 and W that W told S12 we're not getting back together. IC is likely trying to get me to accept the "truth" W has told her.

IC still shakes her head when I talk about W and doesn't seem to agree or empathize with W. IC is also still critical of W about her actions and changing schedules for S12 and wants me to set firmer boundaries with her.

So, if after talking with her IC is still encouraging me that R is wishful thinking I believe I can take her seriously.
Posted By: HeavyD

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/07/15 12:59 AM

I agree H.P. You have to draw the line in the sand. No self respecting man (or woman) takes chit for only so long. you have made remarkable progress during your tenure here on the DB Boards. Your wife does sound unstable as mine does too. Oh well, we can only do so much. We have our kids to be responsbile for.

My admiration for you grows!
Posted By: Wonka

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/07/15 01:01 AM

HP,

I get it about setting firmer boundaries with W.

What I don't get is that IC is pushing you for a D when you don't wish it nor ready for it. It seems to me that it is the IC's way to get you to "accept reality." Don't let IC push you around.

You do things on your OWN terms. Not IC. Not W. This is the problem with IC's who are not well versed in DBing and its basic principles for SAVING marriages.

Bottom line...I personally don't agree with IC's approach just because W says "it's over." Whose word do you believe here, HP? Whose values do you believe, HP?

You act in accordance with your OWN values...not somebody's just because they "said so." Whack!
Posted By: Starsky309

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/07/15 02:06 AM

But I'm hearing his own values say he's done, and for what seem like pretty cogent reasons?
Posted By: SunnyB

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/07/15 04:46 AM

Originally Posted By: HPoirot


Hello rppfl. Thank you for this post. What did you mean about letting go of them when the right time comes? Did you mean letting go of my concerns with this sitch when it's time to move on?

Also... funny about a trip to South Florida. That was where I was planning to take S12 for spring break. My OW from 5 years ago lives in Miami. We were going to get together for lunch just lunch and introduce our kids to each other. Then things got too real and we had to stop talking. I might go to Fort Lauderdale or Universal Studios instead.


Yes HP I just meant letting go of W and custody battles when you can. I know two couples that have been fighting in court for years on end,, way after their Ds were final. Their kids are hopelessly screwed up. I'm just hoping you do what you need to do, then let it go and move on. But that's down the road

Miami is a big place. There's plenty of room for you and S to be here and OW doesn't need to know wink. Although Universal is nice too.
Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/07/15 05:40 AM

Hello Jan, Wonka, and Starsky. I'm feeling deadly serious. Here's where I am...

When I walked into the IC office the first day... I asked her to help me detach. That's my #1 priority. To make the life I want without feeling to look over my shoulder at W.

I don't remember my IC ever specifically telling me to D, so if I said that before I mischaracterized what she said.

IC is, though, big on boundaries and she has told me to seriously consider a legal agreement/mediation to make sure W keeps to a schedule and pays what she should pay. I would say she is pushing me to be realistic and to take real steps to move on and firmly protect myself and S12. To make it real for all of us instead of this separation limbo W seems to be happy to keep us all in.

True, though, IC did not seem to support my year plan to self improvement without filing anything. She said that was still me holding on to hope. From sitches I've read here holding on to hope is the kiss of death for R. Letting go of hope guarantees my life gets better and makes a space for the possibility of R. I've learned that much here from all of you.

Thing is... a legal separation agreement from what I understand is more a negotiation with W than filing for a fault D is. That's what I'm looking to understand from the L... how I get more leverage to get what works for me and S12.

So... I've read a number of sitches here where the advice from vets including you good people advising me here is always the same... pull away from wayward... fight legally for your for your kids and your money when needed... be firm and consistent with boundaries... GAL... get to the point where you don't need but might maybe just maybe very conditionally want W.

Where I am... right at the beginning of a bad sitch with a WAW that has been unbalanced and cursing and drinking and ugly and crazy to spend the rest of her life with an older man with 3 kids she met 5 months ago... I can see that any R I would want is years away and I do not need or want W now. I can clearly see not being excited about an R with her unless she changes a lot. That me and my son would be great without R. I spend a little more time thinking about the possibilities in life now than thinking about how hurt I've been.

So I want to live now. I want to move away from this city summer after next. If it takes a fault D to make that happen where I can get custody of my son then I'm there.

Also, if filing ends the power struggle with W and shows her again this is not the party she expected it to be then all the better.

So my terms are not R at any cost. My terms are a wonderful woman I can see is invested and loving towards me and S12. This is not W.

Thanks to this board... I did not wait for W to separate from me. I separated from her and took S12 with me (thank you again Wonka). I never would have believed it possible to get control of my life at the beginning of this when I was just waiting for W to choose me.

Now, waiting for her to set a schedule and tell me if she can pay her share and let me move where I want to with S12 while she gives me attitude and likely talks to another man more than her son isn't working for me. She did not call tonight to ask about S12's basketball game. Did not call to say good night to him. She not worth waiting for and I can't change her.

So like was said here... I'll start by being collaborative about the schedule and we'll see if she pays her part of tuition. I'll prepare a plan for legal separation agreement or D that works for me if it comes to that. If I get completely sick of her antics then I can pull that trigger.

If I lose her doing so... I lose nothing b/c she's already gone and I'm quickly beginning to see how that's a good thing.

And maybe that's the best hope my MR has.
Posted By: Karma12

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/07/15 06:07 AM

It does sound like you are the only stable parent and your S. Is better spending the bigger chunk of time with you.

Initially you will find that you change your mind about what you want to do because of whatever emotions are guiding you at that time. That is why most places don't allow divorce until after a year. That gives both parties a chance to cool off and see how they really feel. I know when there has been adultery that time line can be shortened. I am legally seperated but not divorced. All our finances ect were taken care of immediately with the separation agreement. It is important to deal with that side of things including custody ASAP.

Keep moving forward and working towards being the person you want to be in life. Your wife will eventually either catch up or you will have moved too far beyond her and will create a new life. You never know what's around the next bend.
Posted By: T-Mom

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/07/15 05:42 PM

Again, HP, I am going to tell you that you are an inspiration.
Posted By: Vanilla

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/07/15 06:48 PM

HP

I am in general agreement with the amazingly insightful Wonka on this:

1. You are coming across as emoting
2. It is very early days
3. W is still unsettled
4. Boundaries are difficult to enforce
5. No fixed schedule for S
6. Ring is on off on off
7. Did I say it was very early days?

I confess to being very confused about IC. The couple I have had have been very clear that they are not entitled to any views on H either for or against. They have been very strictly impartial. Am I misunderstanding as I trying to put Starsky's views into context as I really rate his opinion.

V
Posted By: LITB

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/07/15 07:39 PM

Originally Posted By: HPoirot
Hello Jan, Wonka, and Starsky. I'm feeling deadly serious. Here's where I am...

When I walked into the IC office the first day... I asked her to help me detach. That's my #1 priority. To make the life I want without feeling to look over my shoulder at W.

I don't remember my IC ever specifically telling me to D, so if I said that before I mischaracterized what she said.

IC is, though, big on boundaries and she has told me to seriously consider a legal agreement/mediation to make sure W keeps to a schedule and pays what she should pay. I would say she is pushing me to be realistic and to take real steps to move on and firmly protect myself and S12. To make it real for all of us instead of this separation limbo W seems to be happy to keep us all in.

True, though, IC did not seem to support my year plan to self improvement without filing anything. She said that was still me holding on to hope. From sitches I've read here holding on to hope is the kiss of death for R. Letting go of hope guarantees my life gets better and makes a space for the possibility of R. I've learned that much here from all of you.

Thing is... a legal separation agreement from what I understand is more a negotiation with W than filing for a fault D is. That's what I'm looking to understand from the L... how I get more leverage to get what works for me and S12.

So... I've read a number of sitches here where the advice from vets including you good people advising me here is always the same... pull away from wayward... fight legally for your for your kids and your money when needed... be firm and consistent with boundaries... GAL... get to the point where you don't need but might maybe just maybe very conditionally want W.

Where I am... right at the beginning of a bad sitch with a WAW that has been unbalanced and cursing and drinking and ugly and crazy to spend the rest of her life with an older man with 3 kids she met 5 months ago... I can see that any R I would want is years away and I do not need or want W now. I can clearly see not being excited about an R with her unless she changes a lot. That me and my son would be great without R. I spend a little more time thinking about the possibilities in life now than thinking about how hurt I've been.

So I want to live now. I want to move away from this city summer after next. If it takes a fault D to make that happen where I can get custody of my son then I'm there.

Also, if filing ends the power struggle with W and shows her again this is not the party she expected it to be then all the better.

So my terms are not R at any cost. My terms are a wonderful woman I can see is invested and loving towards me and S12. This is not W.

Thanks to this board... I did not wait for W to separate from me. I separated from her and took S12 with me (thank you again Wonka). I never would have believed it possible to get control of my life at the beginning of this when I was just waiting for W to choose me.

Now, waiting for her to set a schedule and tell me if she can pay her share and let me move where I want to with S12 while she gives me attitude and likely talks to another man more than her son isn't working for me. She did not call tonight to ask about S12's basketball game. Did not call to say good night to him. She not worth waiting for and I can't change her.

So like was said here... I'll start by being collaborative about the schedule and we'll see if she pays her part of tuition. I'll prepare a plan for legal separation agreement or D that works for me if it comes to that. If I get completely sick of her antics then I can pull that trigger.

If I lose her doing so... I lose nothing b/c she's already gone and I'm quickly beginning to see how that's a good thing.

And maybe that's the best hope my MR has.


HP,

This is very well thought out. If these feelings remain consistent over the next week/month, then I don't think anyone can argue with you filing for separation/divorce. From what I gather, you are prepared for the outcome either way. That's the key.

Making such a significant life decision with conviction, demonstrates strength and courage. Two traits that are attractive, and garner respect.

We all DB at our own pace. You are doing well. Stay humble my friend.
Posted By: Wonka

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/08/15 09:41 PM

HP,

Originally Posted By: HPoirot
When I walked into the IC office the first day... I asked her to help me detach. That's my #1 priority. To make the life I want without feeling to look over my shoulder at W.


That was your goal in going to IC was learning how to detach from W after moving to the condo. Here's a fact: you haven't fully detached from W based on your up and down emotions/reactions.

I do worry that, in your mind, filing for a D is a knee-jerk reaction to hearing from S12's inquiry and the IC that your M is supposedly declared "dead." Based on your WAW's words. As you should now by now on this site that many WASes speak in the absolutes...that's because they're operating from dopamine and emotion. There's no rational thought process here.

Again, is this what YOU really, REALLY want, HP? You need to get away for a while and really be totally honest with yourself without having some background noises distracting you.

I do worry that IC is driving you toward a path that you are not 100% confident on or content to walk on.

Originally Posted By: HPoirot
IC is, though, big on boundaries and she has told me to seriously consider a legal agreement/mediation to make sure W keeps to a schedule and pays what she should pay. I would say she is pushing me to be realistic and to take real steps to move on and firmly protect myself and S12. To make it real for all of us instead of this separation limbo W seems to be happy to keep us all in.


Make it real for WHAT? For whom? I mean, you've just begun to take a firmer stand your boundaries only 3 to 4 days ago. Maybe I'm wrong...it seems that you're coming at W with a sledgehammer (i.e. legal separation) without giving her time and space to truly step up. You've been pretty poor with establishing and enforcing boundaries all along because of your fear and some wet nooddle moments.

That text you sent to W last week was the FIRST time that you've truly enforced a boundary and I really think that you can build from that point and on. That was JUST the schedule. You haven't tackled the finances yet.

Originally Posted By: HPoirot
Thing is... a legal separation agreement from what I understand is more a negotiation with W than filing for a fault D is. That's what I'm looking to understand from the L... how I get more leverage to get what works for me and S12.


Leverage on what? That is a head-scratching thing to say here. You have no leverage to speak...really. Many DBers go to the legal separation route ONLY after the following reasons:

1) Facing serious financial harm (i.e. WAS cleaning out the bank accounts, racking up debts, refusing to pay bills, etc.)

2) Protecting the family from financial destruction

Now let's see. You want a legal separation over peanuts. I'm serious. In my view, you're grabbing a supposed "lifeline" by IC in order to get your W to adhere to a set schedule and put a foot to her neck on finances when you have NOT yet addressed the financial issues.

It seems to be that you do not have the strength nor have shown to us to date to show consistent boundary laying and enforcing them. You're looking for external solutions to do YOUR own heavy lifting of boundary enforcing.

Originally Posted By: HPoriot
So... I've read a number of sitches here where the advice from vets including you good people advising me here is always the same... pull away from wayward... fight legally for your for your kids and your money when needed... be firm and consistent with boundaries... GAL... get to the point where you don't need but might maybe just maybe very conditionally want W.


1) Pull away from WAW: mixed results due to up and down reactions

2) Fight legally for kids and your money when needed: Why? You have S12 and you two apparently do not have much assets. Nor is W depleting or "robbing" you blind from the bank accounts since you've already established your own accounts.

3) Be firm and consistent with boundaries: D+. Needs improvement. Needs to learn how to implement and enforce them. Just started as of last week and I am afraid that Mr. Poirot is ready to give up before the school year is out. It is worrying if he wishes to move up to the next grade in DB School of Hard Knocks.

4)GAL: Sputtering. D-. Needs to pick up the slack for it will aid greatly in the detachment department.

Originally Posted By: HPoriot
Also, if filing ends the power struggle with W and shows her again this is not the party she expected it to be then all the better.


So it is a power struggle, not your failure at enforcing boundaries, huh? Ok...go ahead and pass the buck elsewhere.

Originally Posted By: HPoriot
Now, waiting for her to set a schedule and tell me if she can pay her share and let me move where I want to with S12 while she gives me attitude and likely talks to another man more than her son isn't working for me. She did not call tonight to ask about S12's basketball game. Did not call to say good night to him. She not worth waiting for and I can't change her.


Pshaw! C'mon! It sounds like you're playing the victim card pretty heavy here. Whose fault is it that you allow her to give you an "attitude." Where's your self-respect and insistence on respect from W?

Oh and that ratty scorecard? Lose it!

You know that DBing is a marathon. Become the MAN only a fool would leave. You have made ZERO efforts toward that goal because:

1) You're not doing much GALing, if any
2) You're too invested in how and what W says...reacting instead of taking charge of your own emotions
3) You're not detached

How's that working for you so far, HP?

Not much.

So a D is the path of least resistance. Ok. Your choice.
Posted By: Wonka

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/08/15 09:53 PM

HP,

What I am trying to drive at here is this:

What are your true motivations?

Are they:

-authentic
-loving
-genuine

I am wondering if you're acting out of frustration and maybe a sense of powerlessness with your W's actions????

Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/09/15 03:46 AM

Hello Karma, T-mom, Vanilla, LITB, and Wonka. First, I want to say how thankful I am for this board. I was so devastated when I got here... I had not idea what to do or what was happening in my world. W had control of everything and I was flapping in the wind. Without all of you here... W may have been here living in the condo still leaving to spend nights with her "girlfriend" with me still scrambling to please her back into our M. I owe all of you here so much.

Right now I'm peaceful here in the condo with my boy. We did nothing today but relax. His running around laughing and joking. I'm in a good way too.

W has apparently got back from her trip to the West Coast and was calling S12. He was in the shower so he didn't answer. She just texted me saying she can't reach him and asking if everything's all right. This after not trying to reach him last night or the night before. I ignore her text. S12 eventually answered his phone but said he'd call her back. Then he did not. I let it go.

Wonka... short answer is yes I've been frustrated and feeling powerless. Yes my desire to file D is me wanting to stay ahead of W. The main thing I want is primary or sole custody. I want to leave this city summer after next. I can see how I'm a WAH this way. Whatever I can do to get away from W. That is my motivation. It's not loving but it is authentic.

I keep in mind all that you and 25 and others say about being loving and empathetic. I have not forgotten my neglect of my M or my not meeting W's emotional needs. I do want to save my M. To be a man a fool would leave.

When Starsky and other say I should be much farther along... that's in all the things you said...

1) I'm not doing much GALing, if any
2) I'm too invested in how and what W says...reacting instead of taking charge of my own emotions
3) I'm not detached

I'm not giving up on these things. I'm getting better at #2 & #3. Yes I still must do #1.

I'm rushing b/c I'm tired and it's past time to sleep. I just wanted to say think you Wonka and everyone else sticking with me and sharing such wonderful advice and 2x4s.

I agree that my filing D is the path of least resistance and I would just be another WAH that way. Sometimes I don't care to give her space and time to step up. I'm not at all happy with her right now. Not very hopeful that an R with her would be what I want. Maybe I'm starting to like this life not knowing or hearing about her. Not having to answer to her or care what she thinks of me.

That's where I am right now. I'll post more later and catch up on other sitches.

But, like LITB says, I'm letting my desire to file a fault D sit with me for a while. Just find out the information and see how things go with financials with W.

I would love to have a loving M with W and S12 and for all of us to get what we want. I know, though, that I have to really let go of that want to ever get there. I'm just weighing options with your help. Thank you again.
Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/09/15 03:09 PM

Slept on it. Thought about it more.

The DB thing for me to do is to keep working on me. Really GAL. Find a life I love and live it. Keep going.

I'm believe in the GAL and finding a life I love. I will get there.

In my sitch, with my W... as much as I still want my family to be whole and happy... why not consider filing D if I can get custody of my son and move on to a better life?

As empathetic as I can feel for W... I don't want her in my life if this is how she's going to be with me and S12.

The big things I've done in this sitch have been hard line actions... not being friends to W b/c she didn't end OM contact... snooping to confirm her PA and telling her to her face I knew... not welcoming her to the condo... standing up to her screaming and cursing... leaving for the condo with S12... taking care of S12 all this time... cutting off most contact with W.

If I look at W objectively... I don't want her now. If she's ever someone I'd want to time with, then great. That's not today nor anytime soon. That, and I want to move to a city S12 and I would love to live in.

The only sitch I've seen so far with R with an unrepentant and angry wayward W in a PA was Starsky's. My understanding of what he did is he actively attacked the A and went to D his W b/c he wasn't going to be sh!t on.

I agree with all of you that I can't attract anyone back or live a good life while being sh!t on. That can't continue.

I am going to prepare to D on my terms while I grow to be a man only a fool would leave.

I've been very very fortunate to get the advice I've received here and life for S12 and me has benefitted greatly from it. I do want to DB and save my M. If by setting the boundaries for finances and schedule while just staying away from W and GALing for myself can help heal us then yes I'll keep on as planned.

I don't want to be wrong. I'm very serious now.
Posted By: bdub

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/09/15 04:40 PM

HP,

I don't post here often but I do follow along. I just want to say that I am gettting a vibe from you that says you are trying to punish your WAW. In your sitch filing may be the right move, but be very careful that you are doing it for the right reasons.

It is amazing to see the confidence you have gained and the strides you have made.
Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/09/15 05:26 PM

Hello bdub. I don't want any of this and I don't want to punish my W. It seems my W is content to stay separated for 2 years at which time she can just get a D if and how she wants. The leverage I might have is threatening to file a fault D because of her A. This way the L could negotiate a better agreement.

I have a call in to my L to follow up on this option. I am going to follow through on the financial boundaries as Wonka says. As W has asked about child support a couple times, she may still say she can't pay her part. I'll check if she did today as the school sent a late payment notice.

I'm fortunate not to be living with and supporting W while in her A thanks to Wonka and others here. I do take advice here seriously and I agree I must do everything better. It is my responsibility to show strength if anything in my R can get better. Other than LRT and being pitch black, filing D b/c I'm really done with W is an option. I don't want to kill any future chance for R, but I'm not afraid to any more.
Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/09/15 07:55 PM

Wrestling with my thoughts...

I shouldn't have said I think I know what W is thinking about separation. All I know is that, as our sitch went on, she started to threaten separation. Then I left and she would say all along she said we should separate... like she was waiting for me to give her permission. That and she was looking at websites talking about being separated without D. She has never talked about D. I'm the only one that has mentioned it.

Now, she still calls and asks me to call her to talk about things like spring break and filing taxes. She left a VM again just now. All very friendly like she thinks I'm all in with this separation. I have not brought up MR since our last R talk which was terrible and screaming. She said she was happy to have that talk and wants more.

I know everything she says is script from reading sitches here. Her finding her "soul mate" and her angry/guilty feelings and her rationalizing S12's emotions and her real reasons for her unhappiness in our M due to my cluelessness and taking her for granted are all common in wayward Ws. So what she's doing is predictable. This is a marathon not a sprint and again I'm impatient.

I know I'm feeling very negatively about her and now I don't see any good things about her. I have not brought myself to listen to her like a lover or show the patience to just let my sitch play out now that I'm getting some support to dump her with D b/c she's acting like someone needing to get dumped.

I'm just still really pitch black dark. If I'm letting this play out for like I planned to until May 1, there's nothing else for me to do except enjoy my life and GAL. Enforce boundaries like Wonka says.

I'm just doubting it will make any difference with my R. Filing D... being decisive and taking a hard appropriate action against a W who does this instead of stepping aside quietly sounds really good.
Posted By: Wonka

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/09/15 08:53 PM

HP,

I sense that you are off center lately. To aid in getting back to your center, here are some thoughts to consider.

-How about getting back to daily affirmations?

-How about taking care of yourself health-wise such as regularly scheduling the gym? I think your S12 is old enough to join and that would be a bonding time for you two.

-How about picking a volunteering activity for 1x/2x a month?

-How about joining a Church/spiritual site?

-How about picking up a new hobby? Building model airplanes? Something to expand your horizons.

Now...let's review this DBing thing once again.

As you report here, your emotions are still up and down when interacting with W and boundary enforcement challenges.

Here's a plan of action:

-Be Clint Eastwood cool when communicating with W. No more swinging back and forth from cold (jerk) to hot (reactive).

-Be cordial and respectful when interacting with W

-Be concise and to the topic when exchanging texts

-Implement 24-72 hour rule when you sense anger/frustration bubbling up to the surface and STAY THE HELL away from your smartphone if W is pushing your buttons

-Be fearless when making requests and enforcing them. Nip them in the bud when W breaches them (i.e. changing the schedule without informing/discussing with you beforehand)

-Be pleasant and upbeat when you do interact in person with W

-Make time for yourself...you DO matter. You might want to find a good, reliable and mature babysitter.


Most importantly of all, be real gentle with yourself and don't beat yourself up too much. A beat up HP isn't any good as a father or a self-assured man.

You got this. smile
Posted By: Karma12

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/09/15 09:20 PM

Hi Hp,

Wonka has given you some good advice. If and when you are feeling happier and more whole as a person then decide if you want to legally file. It is better to make life changing decisions when you are in a logical mind frame frather than reacting in an emotional one.

V. Had a good point. You are still in early days. I truly believe it takes a year to come out the other side. The first three months you are dealing with the denial and utter grief, the next three (hopefully) most are searching to heal and grow. The next three months is entering into what is your new life and getting more comfortable. The final three....this is your life and you are ready to be a healthier partner wither with someone new or to your ex.

Self discovery can be a great gift. It is shocking how many people don't know what they want for themselves or what goals they have in life.
Posted By: Starsky309

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/09/15 09:22 PM

Originally Posted By: Karma12
Hi Hp,

Wonka has given you some good advice. If and when you are feeling happier and more whole as a person then decide if you want to legally file. It is better to make life changing decisions when you are in a logical mind frame frather than reacting in an emotional one.


I continue to think that HP's posts have OOZED "logical," as well as wise and even-handed. Sorry, I'm just not seeing what others are seeing?

Now, whether or not he's been in this frame of mind now LONG enough, to make such a permanent decision? Only HP knows that for sure. But even FILING for D doesn't have to mean that's where his story will end, as my own sitch (and others) will testify.

Starsky
Posted By: Starsky309

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/09/15 10:01 PM

Originally Posted By: LITB
Originally Posted By: HPoirot
Hello Jan, Wonka, and Starsky. I'm feeling deadly serious. Here's where I am...

When I walked into the IC office the first day... I asked her to help me detach. That's my #1 priority. To make the life I want without feeling to look over my shoulder at W.

I don't remember my IC ever specifically telling me to D, so if I said that before I mischaracterized what she said.

IC is, though, big on boundaries and she has told me to seriously consider a legal agreement/mediation to make sure W keeps to a schedule and pays what she should pay. I would say she is pushing me to be realistic and to take real steps to move on and firmly protect myself and S12. To make it real for all of us instead of this separation limbo W seems to be happy to keep us all in.

True, though, IC did not seem to support my year plan to self improvement without filing anything. She said that was still me holding on to hope. From sitches I've read here holding on to hope is the kiss of death for R. Letting go of hope guarantees my life gets better and makes a space for the possibility of R. I've learned that much here from all of you.

Thing is... a legal separation agreement from what I understand is more a negotiation with W than filing for a fault D is. That's what I'm looking to understand from the L... how I get more leverage to get what works for me and S12.

So... I've read a number of sitches here where the advice from vets including you good people advising me here is always the same... pull away from wayward... fight legally for your for your kids and your money when needed... be firm and consistent with boundaries... GAL... get to the point where you don't need but might maybe just maybe very conditionally want W.

Where I am... right at the beginning of a bad sitch with a WAW that has been unbalanced and cursing and drinking and ugly and crazy to spend the rest of her life with an older man with 3 kids she met 5 months ago... I can see that any R I would want is years away and I do not need or want W now. I can clearly see not being excited about an R with her unless she changes a lot. That me and my son would be great without R. I spend a little more time thinking about the possibilities in life now than thinking about how hurt I've been.

So I want to live now. I want to move away from this city summer after next. If it takes a fault D to make that happen where I can get custody of my son then I'm there.

Also, if filing ends the power struggle with W and shows her again this is not the party she expected it to be then all the better.

So my terms are not R at any cost. My terms are a wonderful woman I can see is invested and loving towards me and S12. This is not W.

Thanks to this board... I did not wait for W to separate from me. I separated from her and took S12 with me (thank you again Wonka). I never would have believed it possible to get control of my life at the beginning of this when I was just waiting for W to choose me.

Now, waiting for her to set a schedule and tell me if she can pay her share and let me move where I want to with S12 while she gives me attitude and likely talks to another man more than her son isn't working for me. She did not call tonight to ask about S12's basketball game. Did not call to say good night to him. She not worth waiting for and I can't change her.

So like was said here... I'll start by being collaborative about the schedule and we'll see if she pays her part of tuition. I'll prepare a plan for legal separation agreement or D that works for me if it comes to that. If I get completely sick of her antics then I can pull that trigger.

If I lose her doing so... I lose nothing b/c she's already gone and I'm quickly beginning to see how that's a good thing.

And maybe that's the best hope my MR has.


HP,

This is very well thought out. If these feelings remain consistent over the next week/month, then I don't think anyone can argue with you filing for separation/divorce. From what I gather, you are prepared for the outcome either way. That's the key.

Making such a significant life decision with conviction, demonstrates strength and courage. Two traits that are attractive, and garner respect.

We all DB at our own pace. You are doing well. Stay humble my friend.


Sorry, LITB, I must have missed this excellent post of yours. I feel better that maybe I'm not the *only* one who feels this way, lol.

Starsky
Posted By: Wonka

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/09/15 10:30 PM

Starsky,

Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Originally Posted By: Karma12
Hi Hp,

Wonka has given you some good advice. If and when you are feeling happier and more whole as a person then decide if you want to legally file. It is better to make life changing decisions when you are in a logical mind frame frather than reacting in an emotional one.


I continue to think that HP's posts have OOZED "logical," as well as wise and even-handed. Sorry, I'm just not seeing what others are seeing?

Starsky


Anybody can write a smooth, logical, and well-thought out post here and come off as seemingly in control. Well, if you would go back, to say, the last 4 to 5 posts, HP has vacillated on the wisdom of filing for D as he's questioning and second-guessing himself. From that place, I am urging him to put it off until he is 100% , absolu-freakin'-ly SURE of this path without a backward glance.

HP is not at this place. Yet.
Posted By: Starsky309

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/09/15 10:37 PM

I guess we're reading the same posts differently. Where you see "vacillation," I've seen him flesh out his thoughts and rationale, and it seems reasonable to me.

Then again, I think his wife is not a stable woman, so that is probably skewing my view on the wisdom of the course he's contemplating, too.
Posted By: Wonka

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/09/15 10:47 PM

Starsky,

I am not too sure about "stable" as I think W is freaking out over losing control since the condo move and is attempting to re-assert control. As we all can see here, that is not being handled in a healthy way which is why I am pushing HP hard in enforcing his boundaries.

Hence the new thread in Newcomers on boundaries. Hope HP will take a peek at it. hint, hint wink
Posted By: Squiggy

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/09/15 11:03 PM

Wonka, Starsky, I think both of you are right at the same time. I do see a lot of logical thought coming from HP. Frankly, I think it's amazing the amount of insight he has into himself and what he is feeling. At the same time, the firm, consistent boundaries are an issue he is struggling with. Then again, it is hard to do both at the same time. Gaining the insight he is into his own thoughts and feelings, which can vacillate minute by minute in this type of scenario can of course alter the decisions on what course of action to take.

HP, from what I've read, and I've been following your sitch for a lot of my time on this forum, your plan about establishing a life you love is a key point to focus on right now. Fortunately, there is no talk of D other than your own. That means you have time. Get yourself that firm base outside of your time with S12 and then really begin to think about what it is exactly you want to do.
Posted By: Karma12

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/09/15 11:23 PM

Hi HP, Starsky and Wonka,

I think I agree with both of you and will add my two bits if that's ok...: )

When someone passes away ( close relative) the advice that is given to the the one left behind is not to make any major decisions in that first year. Going through the grieving process brings out a lot of emotions and decisions are not always made best when in an emotional state.

I think that the LBS goes through a grieving process and all kinds of emotions especially during the first six months. Hp does sound very logical in some of his posts and in others I can sense him reactioning an emotional way to something his W. did that week.

Cadet always sends his welcome out with your W/H has given you the gift of time. Time is a gift and it helps us make choices that our best for us. If after GAL, moving forward, setting boundaries, becoming a more happy whole person HP wants to file for D. Then that is exactly what he should do. iMHO.


I do think that when married people are living apart that they should have some form of agreement tin place that helps them with child support, custody, and protecting each other from any debt incurred by one or the other. This can all be done without dissolving the marriage.

My first marriage we Divorced after a year and even though I was the one that wanted the Divorce I felt more sure and comfortable with my decision after the year. My second marriage ( 15 yrs later) we have been apart now 2.5 yrs and I had decided that if there was no reconciliation I would file for D this year.

I think when the emotions all settle down and life starts to move along...there comes a time when you know which direction to go and you move in that direction without doubt and without regret.
Posted By: LITB

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/10/15 05:08 PM

Originally Posted By: Starsky309
Sorry, LITB, I must have missed this excellent post of yours. I feel better that maybe I'm not the *only* one who feels this way, lol.

Starsky

I'm definitely of the same mindset as you Starsky.

HP,

You are a smart guy. I am sure you can take something away from each of our perspectives, and apply it to you sitch how you see fit. Our perspectives vary, based on our different life experiences and I am sure some other variables.

There is a lot to think about, as you consider what path to take with filing, or not filing.

Wonka is right about setting boundaries, and staying consistent.....and you are already aware that you need to work on GAL. GAL is very important. Probably can't stress that enough.

It will be abundantly clear to you, when you are ready to proceed in one direction or the other. I still stand by my post, that I don't think anyone can argue with the decision you make.

Bottom line, you still have to do the work no matter the outcome of your sitch from a legal standpoint.
Posted By: Vanilla

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/10/15 05:11 PM

HP

Can I repeat what Sandi said to me on her very first post as I believe the essence of it applies to you.

Fundamentally, she told me that I was not a WAW, although I did leave my house and go live in my holiday flat for 7 weeks to sort out my head. Essentially you like me are standing for your M. You are not wayward and have resisted the temptation to be so, as I suspect you are not ready in your life even for LRT and light dating. HP, I think you are no WAH, and it would confuse you to think of yourself like that. It is the one who is wayward, who leaves the M, who has an EA or PA who is the WAS. Merely leaving your home even for long distances is not WAH in my book.

OK you have moved for the benefit of fins and have also built a loving relationship with your own father, partly by moving to the location you have, as I recollect it was a contact of your dad that provided access to the condo?

In my eyes the most important and really outstanding achievement of HP, is the stability, love and joy you find with your son. If you read Edz sitch this is one of his outstanding achievements too. My notes tell me that you have described your son as vulnerable and sensitive in the past. Those are my notes HP not necessarily your words but that was the meaning I took from your early thread. I believe you should look with kindness on yourself for this, and having the ability to stabilise your son and provide for his schooling is vital for his wellbeing and welfare. This is not the usual stance of a WAH!

V is delighted to see this growth in HP, irrespective of any other weakness HP sees in himself. I have said this before on other threads, your S is your S for life, in due course he will be a man and a father and could ask for no better role model in life than HP.

Be kinder to yourself HP, if you can let go of the resentment that will help you a great deal. Forgiveness can come later, but I recommend to you that you free yourself of resentment.

V
Posted By: Wonka

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/13/15 05:30 AM

Hey HP,

Wassup? Are you and S11 ok?
Posted By: Dawn70

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/14/15 03:34 PM

Just dropping by to check on you and S. Hope all is well with you both. Happy Valentine's Day!
Posted By: sandi2

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/14/15 06:26 PM

HP, we miss you. Hope you are just taking a little break, and doing okay.
Posted By: HeavyD

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/15/15 01:38 AM

HP

How are you doing? I hope OK. Today was a freakishly hard day for everyone. My only bright spot was getting some good advice from Wonk (she is truly amazing) and going to see a movie tonight with a friend. Oh boy- Happy Valentines to me :-(

Let us now how you are doing my friend.

JAN
Posted By: Karma12

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/15/15 08:11 PM

HP hope you are out GAL and that's why you have not been posting.
Posted By: OneLessWife

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/17/15 12:33 PM

HP give us an update.....

OLW
Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/18/15 02:53 AM

Hello everyone. Thank you for asking about me.

Over the past week I've read how other good people here are hurting... new good people joining... every time I visited here it was hard to post. Even now it's hard to type. Funny after all my many long posts.

S12 and I are great. He's still mostly here with me and is happy when here. He was supposed to spend nights with his mom last weekend but didn't want to. His mom moved into her apartment today so he will spend next weekend with her. Hopefully it will go well.

The big thing that happened was last week's IC appointment with S12 and his mom. IC told me later that he was sad to go... then couldn't stop talking. He angrily laid into his mom about this sitch and how he felt about her. Their relationship is badly damaged IC says. IC feels S12 may need antidepressants. I still say I love his mom and that she loves him.

W's response to the session was to leave me a couple messages begging me to please please meet with her to show a united front for S12. I will go to the IC with S12 for as many appointments as needed. I won't meet and act united with his mom.

Over the past week she calls or texts almost everyday for something. She left a few VMs to ask to borrow my truck for a few days so she could move and so she could save on a rental car. I said no. She asked me a few times to pay her part of S12's tuition. I said no. I don't respond to many of her texts or VMs as they are repeats of questions I told her no on or things outside of S12 scheduling or her part of finances. She says I don't respond to her and she threatens to get an attorney involved even though she doesn't want to do that now. Every contact she asks me to call her. If I answer, I send a text. I'm very polite in my responses.

I saw her at last Friday's basketball game. I had not seen her for 2 weeks. She looked older. I did not say a word to her. She went and sat behind me on the bleachers. I'm not concerned about it b/c I'm filing.

I'm meeting my L on Friday about filing D. The only thing I'm afraid of is not being able to move with my son to South Florida to be near my family and friends. That's what I care about right now.

A few mornings ago, W texted me... "I'm so sorry HP." She texted me how she thinks I'm having a hard time with all this and so is she but we desperately need to talk. She's the one having a hard time... she still needs me to pay for her life. My life and my son's life are much much better being away from her for 2 months. My hard time over her is over.

So, I'm going to protect my ability to live my new life with my son as much as I can without her drama in it. She has the nerve to ask me why I don't respond to her every call and why I'm treating her "this way" after everything and me telling her a few times I'm not answering her calls. At this point, she doesn't feel like she doing anything wrong and me and S12 will just have to accept what she wants.

After the past few months... I've learned how much I should have done to be the best husband I could be for W. Yes, it would be nice to see my family together again someday.

Today, I just need to protect my future with my son.
Posted By: HeavyD

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/18/15 04:32 AM

God Bless HP
Posted By: Karma12

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/18/15 06:58 AM

Glad you are doing well HP! We were getting worried.
Posted By: Wonka

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/18/15 04:12 PM

HP,

I am happy to read that you and S12 are doing well together.

It is a positive that you're staying out of S12's relationship with his Mom. It's for them to figure out together.

Also sorry to read that SBTXW continues to test and push your boundaries. She just doesn't get it.

How are your GAL activities?
Posted By: Vanilla

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/19/15 05:55 PM

HP

The boundary pushing will keep on going for about 3 months. The intermittently for another 3 to 6 months. Be strong keep those boundaries in place and the pushing will lessen. I watch Gamanon members put boundaries in place for the first time and the gamblers whether active or no push back broadly in those time frames. Your W has been compulsive although not in the same way, I admit.

In twelve steps we listen, validate and mentor the new member in holding their boundaries.

HP, said it many times and will say it again, you are the man who ceased his life back and shook it. Some hiccups but HP you stayed as a beacon for S12. In this way you are a role model for those newbies on the board. A man who has become and is becoming. It is still raw for you and HP one of your great gifts is your ability to empathise and share.

I think now W has her own place life will ease. S12 will be happy to visit W, he seemed to find the burly of aunts, the noise very trying. In addition what 12 year old wants to share sleeping space with a parent? Although it does sound like aunt has been a haven for W and provide a little stability.

You can breathe on this a little.

On my thread, and although I have only been on the board since October 2014 I have been DB for longer and almost a year since BD1, there is more change my automatic "no" is becoming interlaced with more "yeses". In house S is very wearing and you had the courage to change it. The rereading of your threads and mirroring your courage will help me when my time to live alone arises. You and Dawn are my role models. I think given more time and W calming then you will see your way to some "yeses", but of course they will not be your boundary issues.

Please do post, even if it is on your own thread. We do have some humorous stuff going on too!

Peace and big hugs to S

V
Posted By: Vanilla

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/21/15 06:22 PM

You OK HP?

V
Posted By: Wonka

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/23/15 09:15 PM

Calling HP!!!!!

Wassup?

You ok?

S12 ok?

Let's chat.
Posted By: T-Mom

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/24/15 02:43 AM

Checkin' in, HP.... how are things with you today?
Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/24/15 05:23 AM

Hello Wonka and Vanilla and T-mom. I'm still here and doing a new thing...

I have decided to file for D. I want to.

No anger about it. No anguish either.

It's just the logical thing for me to do now.

The main thing is, due to political stuff at my company, last week my work offered to pay me a month's salary to move to where I want to be... South Florida. I didn't even ask for the money... I just opened my mouth at the right time. And I'll still get to work from home by the beach. Bonus.

On the other hand... my work has been suffering. Today I finally got called for my slowness and got the verbal kick in the ass that's been coming. So I was very productive today and now have the energy and focus to save this job I was on the way to losing.

Finally, XW turned mean again. I've been extremely consistent about letting all her calls go to VM. Only responding briefly, if at all, to her texts. When I found out about getting paid to move, I delayed paying my part of the outstanding school tuition last Friday (which would have started the process of paying for another year of school here).

So, last weekend, her first weekend with S12 at her new place, she went a little crazy on me.

On Friday, S12 texted me to say he wouldn't make his basketball game b/c his mom was taking him to her aunt's birthday party. (The day before, XW texted me saying she hoped I could make it to the game.) Then, S12 texted me he wasn't feeling well and was going home. I called him and we talked. Then he texted me saying he would make the game and would I be there. Of course I said yes. Then another text from him (and XW) saying he wasn't feeling well and would go home with XW. I called him again and we talked. I could tell he was sad and I commiserated with him. Told him none of this was his fault and that he would be OK.

Later, at 10pm, I texted him hello and asked if he was still awake. No reply so no problem.

First thing the next morning, I got a number of angry texts and an VM from XW. I didn't listen to the VMs.

The texts were along the lines of how I'm making S12 sad b/c he misses me and thinks I'm sad, how she's baffled and I'm an a**hole b/c I would text him at 10pm on a Friday night, how I shouldn't be my son's confidant and if I needed to speak with him so much I should get friends, how she's going to meet with an L this week to get the questions that I won't answer answered, how I should remember I f*cked this M up too, and on and on with a lot of cursing. Later, as usual, she sends her "I'm sorry I yelled at you on the VM but I meant it b/c I'm so frustrated you won't talk to me" text.

I did not subject myself to the VMs or respond to any of it. Instead, I made sure to call S12 a couple times a day to say hello and hear about what he's up to. He said he was doing great at his mom's and she was doing her best. Good to hear.

Later in the weekend, she asked me again, and nicely this time, about the tuition and filing taxes and paying her part of the old bills and asking for time on my Saturday next weekend so she can take S12 skiing. I did not respond to anything.

This morning she texts me to "PLEASE" answer her questions (even though she says she's seeing an L this week to get me to answer). I don't respond.

Then, this evening, I respond... "Hello W. I'll answer your questions as soon as I can."

She replies with a nice "Thank you HP I so appreciate it" and how much S12 is looking forward to seeing me tomorrow when I pick him up and can she take him skiing on my day (changed the pickup time again) and how she sincerely hopes I am doing well. Then she sends me a few pictures of S12 in her new place. I don't respond.

Today I was supposed to talk with my L about filing D. Funny thing... there was some accident that closed their building today. I'm rescheduled for Wednesday.

I don't need the time to reconsider, though.

I'm going to ask about fighting for primary or sole custody of S12. What I can do to move with him to Florida. What I can do to ensure W pays her share. Just what I can do by filing for D. If it makes sense and is possible to get where I want to be with S12.

This is not a tactic.

Good things keep happening to me. I'm going to make the most of it by filing.
Posted By: Vanilla

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/24/15 08:03 AM

Take L advice. HP if filing is right for HP and S12 then file.

Move too, if that is for the best

V
Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/24/15 04:11 PM

Thank you Vanilla. You know I don't want any of this. I don't see another way unless I submit to living how XW would prefer me to live... in this city supporting her and this path she's taking.

In Florida I have family and friends that S12 could instantly get to know. And I would be happy. I know S12 would miss his mom and friends here. That's the only thing.

Today XW emailed me that she is meeting with the financial aid officer at S12s current school. She wanted to see if she could enroll him as the primary parent and remove me from his account and so get aid. I emailed her back to politely say I will not agree to that. She replied OK she didn't want that either.

She also said she is meeting with a lawyer tomorrow to see about mediation. She asked if I would feel better using my lawyer if I had one. She's moving forward with her plans again like I have no choice.

I have not told her I'm filing D. I have not told her about my work's offer to pay me to move to Florida. I have not told her I want S12 to come with me.

I was thinking my lawyer would break the news to her that I'm not planning to live the way she hopes I will.

Now that she's meeting with the school and planning for the next year, I'm thinking I let her know today and leave it at that.

Is it wise for me to let her know I'm filing D and planning to move and want S12 to come with me? I don't think so.
Posted By: Starsky309

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/24/15 04:22 PM

NEVER tip your legal hand. EVER.

Ours is -- by its very nature -- an adversarial legal system. There's a reason why they put that little "v" in between the names of the parties. If she gives you cr*p about it, say "I let the attorney handle that; that's what I was advised to do."
Posted By: Wonka

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/24/15 04:46 PM

Originally Posted By: Starsky309
NEVER tip your legal hand. EVER.

Ours is -- by its very nature -- an adversarial legal system. There's a reason why they put that little "v" in between the names of the parties. If she gives you cr*p about it, say "I let the attorney handle that; that's what I was advised to do."


Second that ^^^.
Posted By: LITB

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/24/15 04:57 PM

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Originally Posted By: Starsky309
NEVER tip your legal hand. EVER.

Ours is -- by its very nature -- an adversarial legal system. There's a reason why they put that little "v" in between the names of the parties. If she gives you cr*p about it, say "I let the attorney handle that; that's what I was advised to do."


Second that ^^^.

All in favor...."I"

HP, wishing you and S12 all the best.
Posted By: TenBook

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/24/15 05:29 PM

Well Done.

Be well HP.
Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/25/15 03:52 AM

Journaling...

Called my brother in South Florida and told him my plan to file D. His W works for the school I want to send S12. She also knows all about the public schools down there. Another fantastic thing in this sitch.

S12 had a basketball game tonight. XW sent me an email about it on Sunday. Sent me another email about it today. Then, when S12 called her and asked if she would come see him play, she said she thought his game was tomorrow night so she had to work tonight. She did not show at his game. I'm no longer surprised at all.

S12 had a good game but missed a shot and took it hard. I focused on him and talked with him. He felt better but still went to bed unhappy about everything.

I felt some sadness this morning. Filing for D is not what I wanted when I came here. I don't know how this D thing works. I'm feel some fear that I'll be tied to where ever and how ever XW wants to live b/c I will not be away from my son.

Tomorrow I find out what I can do and if what I want for myself and S12 is possible I'll set this D in motion.

Today frustrated XW sent a text... "God HP. Why can't you just answer my questions?"

My answer is coming soon enough.
Posted By: Karma12

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/25/15 06:25 AM

I totally agree with the above. Hold your cards close to your chest.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/25/15 07:54 AM

Hi HP

It sounds as though you are feeling comfortable with deciding to file for D. Moving also sounds like a big part of that for you guys. I'm not sure how far you are from S. Florida and what options there may be for moving area. I hope that's something it's possible for you to do.

Does your W also have links down there? Just as you feel you don't want to 'follow' her around, she may feel the same and not want to 'follow' you around. Not to put a dampner on your plans, but sounds as though they need your W's co-operation - and that may be a big 'but.' I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you HP....HP, is it a bit funny to call your W your XW already? You guys aren't D yet....what's that all about?
Posted By: Vanilla

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/25/15 08:48 AM

HP I will add my voice to Stars and Wonks.

This is so serious that We do this for effect, or as a threat at our peril. HP you are doing this for real and in my view in the right way.

Be strong on your path.

V
Posted By: SunnyB

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/25/15 01:41 PM

HP, good luck with this process. It won't be easy, but if you are convinced it's the right thing, then stay the course.

Can I ask an obvious question.....what's your plan for OW once you move down here? Doesn't she live in Miami, or Ft. Lauderdale? Don't know where you are moving, but seems like driving distance to me...
Posted By: Barry

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/25/15 02:31 PM

Good luck HP.

We know this isn't what you wanted but if you feel it's the best course of action for you and S12, then that's what you must do.

Stay strong HP.

Barry.
Posted By: Wonka

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/25/15 03:20 PM

HP,

You have come some ways throughout this journey. I am sorry that you've had come to the painful conclusion that filing for a D is the best path forward for you and S12.

I sincerely do hope you have a very good L in your corner for I suspect that W will try to twist things and make life a bit difficult for you (and possibly S12 as well).

Stay the course and strength to you.
Posted By: T-Mom

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 02/27/15 12:57 AM

You are right to check with L before speaking to W, HP. My thoughts are with you and S, and I really hope for the best for both of you.
Posted By: OneLessWife

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 03/02/15 06:48 PM

Any news HP
Posted By: Barry

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 03/04/15 12:34 PM

Hi HP,
Let us know how you are and how things are going?

I'm quite possibly going to file against my WAW soon too so I'd be interested in your update.
Posted By: OneLessWife

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 03/06/15 11:45 AM

^^^
Posted By: Vanilla

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 03/06/15 12:24 PM

Please update us HP.

Are you and S ok?

V
Posted By: OneLessWife

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 03/11/15 03:58 PM

Hey buddy are you still with us, are you and S , ok
Posted By: Mozza

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 03/11/15 06:44 PM

Yes, this Board is different without you. I like to see how people get through the entire experience. I hope we'll get some regular updates from you HP. Hope you're well.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 03/11/15 08:28 PM

I agree HP...it's not quite the same on these boards without you my friend...

Hope you and S are doing well :-)
Posted By: OneLessWife

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 03/17/15 11:26 AM

Bump
Posted By: OneLessWife

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 03/24/15 05:09 PM

HP getting worried my friend, hope you and son are ok.
Posted By: OneLessWife

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 03/31/15 10:47 AM

I guess HP has dropped off of the planet. I thought his being on here getting support was a good thing. I hope everything is alright with his sitch.

OLW
Posted By: Maybell

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 04/14/15 10:58 PM

Poirot? Any chance you're around?
Posted By: TenBook

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 04/14/15 11:02 PM

HP it's been so long.

Please come and say hi.
Posted By: Vanilla

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 06/06/15 12:21 AM

Just asking'

V
Posted By: gan

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 06/06/15 02:02 PM

I wonder about HP, too. Is the picnic blanket still set up?
Posted By: Karma12

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 06/10/15 12:19 PM

I have often wondered about him too
Posted By: HPoirot

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 07/15/15 03:13 PM

Hello all. Thank you for checking up on me. I decided to take a break from everything here and then I let 5 months go by. I should not have done that as the accountability and camaraderie this board provides makes a huge difference.

Even so, in those months I made some good things happen, made some mistakes, got more detached, blocked my XW from my phone, gained 50 pounds (mistake), and more.

I was rolling onward to a better life in Florida... being the big planet... and then I got a weird email from XW this morning...

Hi HP,

If you are willing, I would like to talk about us, our marriage and how we can become a family again.

Are you willing to see if we have a chance again?


Surprising... but I was ready for it, knew how to respond, and I did...

"What has changed XW?"

Her response was not entirely unexpected. I was going to ignore it b/c I'm done and keep moving on... but then I reconsidered.

So I'll bring it here in a new thread later because I don't want to make a bad decision. That and hopefully it will help new people here in sitches that seem impossible like mine did to me.

Thank you all again. It's very good and very hard to be back here. I feel afraid to even read my old posts and to see so many new people here is heartbreaking.

I'll try to catch up with all of you as I can and keep going.

Just keep going.
Posted By: TenBook

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 07/15/15 03:24 PM

HP!

You were greatly missed. The forum was thinking about you.

Thanks for coming back. You have support here.
Posted By: TLEE86

Re: How To Be A Man Only A Fool Would Leave Take #2 - 07/15/15 07:23 PM

HP! It is great to hear from you! And I am anxious to see how things unfold for you and...whats been happening. Waiting to see what you write next.
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