So, I made it clear to H that he cannot live in the same house as S14 and I while actively seeking affairs... so he has taken some clothes, and will be staying on couches with friends indefinitely, is my guess. My heart still really hurts, but I know that not seeing his every move will help me move forward, and help me not to hate his guts!!! LOL!!! I will take all the suggestions I can get on how to just deal...
T-Mom, I'm sorry it has come to this, but good for you for setting a boundary and sticking to it. My H moved out 2 1/2 months ago, against my wishes. In some ways, it gives you peace of mind that his behavior is no longer in your face. You just have to keep busy, in other words, GAL, so you don't have time to think about him.
Make some plans for the weekend. Call some friends. Join a meet-up group. You may have posted on previous threads what you are doing for GAL, but....what are you doing, T-Mom?
I GAL all along, and at the same time, S14 is my focus. I do visit with friends and do things with him, and I am always happy to just stay home and watch a movie with him, as well. My latest goal is to make my house more peaceful and positive. My plans are still the same as they were a year ago: Keep a stable environment and lifestyle for my son until he goes away to college...so 3 1/2 years more.
My main issue really seems to be keeping myself in check and not hating and lashing out at H. I know he has his own demons, and is in a constant struggle with them, just as I have mine. I do not smack-talk about him to S14, but I do have some serious resentment building up... sometimes I can be logical and sometimes I can lash out like the devil himself is spewing words and hatred out of my mouth... or text... I know mature love would be just wanting him to be happy, but honestly, I must not be mature! LOL... ish...
Hi T Mom - good for you. Whilst I'm sure everything feels really difficult right now, I think that's a really positive step. Your H now knows what you are and are not willing to tolerate and that sets a clear boundary. Who knows what will happen as a result, but for sure he will feel consequences going forwards.
For you, really best to adc 'as if' and move forwards with your life and S as though H is not coming back. Are you taking steps to try and better process your anger and resentment - holding onto these will hurt you most in the longer term...
Best of luck to you in this new phase TM - whilst it may be hard, look for some of the joy that it also brings and make the most of this.
T x
Thanks, Toots. It is very difficult, but at the same time, I have been more relaxed without his comings and goings. I believe preventing more resentment is my first step, and that is so much easier right now. I think being physically separated will allow me to ease up on resenting and lessen the probability of more build up. I can definitely feel more detached now, and although he is still in contact with me, I have kept my end of it mainly about S14, and the house.
How are things going for you lately?
You managed the boundary issue really well T.
V
Hi, V! Thank you. It feels so much more relaxed at home,I must admit. How are you doing?
Hi T Mom - thanks for your vote of confidence on Edz thread! We do seem to need fortitude in droves in these sitched don't we? Sometimes it doesn't seem easy to come by!
It sounds like you're doing pretty well - in a healthy place, even if it isn't easy. It's good if things are more peaceful though. Maybe make the most of that and really appreciate the calm you now have. There is a flipside to that I found (lonely) so I have established some new routines at home - and GAL of course - to deal with that...it just takes a little time.
And I agree with V. I think you did well on the boundary front - good for you! T x
Hi, V! Thank you. It feels so much more relaxed at home,I must admit. How are you doing?
Same old, same old
Nothing will really shift until the house is sold. Then I can pay off H and the interesting times will start. Until then it is tax Nilla in charge and exercise V following a close second.
I originally set a target of the end of March for selling the house but have not pushed it.
Looking forward to a little of that relaxation.
V
Hey there T-mom,
It sounds like you have some room for some much needed t-mom time. I hope the distance allows you to look at your situation with an objective eye instead of the constant emotional reminders of the negative.
Way to enforce your boundary - it sounds like he was on board with the notion of moving out which helped with the transition.
How did your son react and take to this?
Keep up the great work!
When my XW first moved out, all the tension, negativity, chaos, etc followed her right out the door and moved with her. My kids (all teens and young adults) noticed and comment on it as well.
The relief I felt was amazing, and I did feel a wee bit guilty about feeling it, but I fixed that guilt in time.
You are doing well, and it does get so much easier not having all that yuck around.
Thank you all.. it isn't going so badly.... I have seriously limited my contact with him, and I feel much more relaxed...wasn't sure if that would go away quickly, but it hasn't, so that is helping. He texts me on a regular basis, but I am not responding unless it is related to my son, or the house...I am feeling ok.
Hi! I just read this thread so I don't know everything that is going on but I wanted to say it sounds like you are handling it well. My H is trying to move out, it is taking forever and even though it breaks my heart I am looking forward to him moving out because his coming and going as he pleases is driving me crazy. Have you thought about doing a controlled separation? With guidelines? I don't know if your husband would be open to discussing it but I have drafted some points to discuss and my H surprisingly is willing to go that route.
Hello, V... I am ok....I have kept up the limited contact, but H continues to do things for our son whenever S asks, and he is still trying to take care of the house.. kind of...It has been extremely cold here in NY, and while I not home, H is chopping and bringing in wood for our woodstove. Although we use heating oil, it makes a huge difference with the woodstove. He also adds wood or starts a fire if it goes out while I'm not there.
How are things going for you, V?
Hello, Marylov. I am in complete agreement about not dealing with the comings and goings of H... it was driving me crazy! As far as controlled anything... no... he is doing his own thing and has no reason to give an inch.
T
Same old, same old H, but a V who is evolving (a little).
I am glad your H is doing something. Even a little something in the craziness helps.
We just have to let them be. Let them be someone they want to be, to find out that when they get there it is not what they expect.
V
I think it says something that your H is still taking care of the house. My H left some unfinished projects around the house that are just another stress for me to deal with. It really hurts and I can’t help but feel sad and honestly a bit a angry every time I see the unfinished project.
V, your wisdom is inspiring. I can't help, in my case, to think that H will get what he wants and it will be how he sees it. Either way, that's all on him.
Marylov, we all can relate to the hurt and sadness...I think you have to feel the hurt and sadness.... otherwise it will come out some other time. the anger is probably disguised hurt and sadness... it always is in my case. Don't feel alone withe the unfinished projects, there are a million at my house too! Are there any that you can finish? That always feels good to be able to do.
Have you thought about doing a controlled separation? With guidelines?
Mary, my H and I are in a controlled S right now. We set up guidelines about child sharing, finances, house/car repair, dating, and a few other things before he moved out. It has been a real stress-reducer in my opinion. I don't have to worry about calling him when my heater breaks, he has already agreed to be responsible for that. We don't stress about money, we know who pays what. The only reason we change child-sharing is his business travel, which he has been pretty good at keeping off his days.
I don't believe the agreement will change the outcome of the S in any way, except maybe if we were fighting about these things I'd hate him. And I don't. Which I feel like is better for our kids. Anyway, it was the right way to go for me.
Rpplfl, I think it is interesting you say that it won't chane the outcome except that you would hate him. I think that is a pretty big thing! I am not saying I think we will reconcile just because we did a controlled separation, but having less stress and working together to agree on different items...I think that gives us the right mind set. Less stress leaves more room for reconnection. At least that is my hope!
Mary I guess what I really meant was that there was no guarantee, just like you said . I do feel like the controlled S gives a better chance of R from my perspective. But I'm not sure it makes any difference to him. But since he insisted on moving out anyway, I'll take the less stress for sure.
Sometimes, the wheels come off the truck and there is no way the truck will move, other times the brakes are gone and it simply keeps going until it reaches a hill.
This will only work if both want it to. The truck needs to be maintained and it needs fuel. In most cases it is the LBS that does the lifting. The WAS, just breezes away from the crash without leaving their insurance details.
In some cases the WAS still helps with the running costs and in others will do the repairs on the truck. Some will need to be forced to do it and others will see their obligation and engage.
The passengers in the truck when there are children are the responsibility of both of course, so the safe ride is important.
This is important to you T and RPP is sensible in suggesting that formalising may help you. Perhaps time to get some extra L advice. Look after T truck and its passengers.
V
V, I think it would be easier if I were looking after a little red convertible!!!! LOL!
good to see your sense of humor is still intact
Take care T-mom
Let's go for a trip in the red convertible, top down with a picnic and meet with our DB friends.......
I love the image that V sitch is a little red convertible!
V
A bunch of clowns all climbing into a little red convertible!! LOL!
T
How are things with you
V