Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/02/15 06:19 PM
Original thread here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2533186&page=1
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/02/15 06:27 PM
Originally Posted By: 25yearsMLC
You're very welcome, and thanks.
Okay yes, getting new tools for living well,
does take work. It rarely (if ever) just "happens".
But please realize it's not exactly digging a ditch in a field of dung and hot tar. I mean, a lot of this "work" is about living well, living fully and being in the present. Learning from good times and learning from our mistakes.
But even then it is not all about pain. A lot of it is about feeling JOY as fully as we have felt anger or pain or grief or fear....without interference or pollutants.
((Ever notice that we can get REALLY angry about something -- and nothing else gets our attention for awhile? OTOH, we can feel happy about something, but allow other factors in that interfere or lessen our joy?))
THAT^^ has to be reversed, and there are ways to do that. For ME, Essential Experience (the 4 day workshop) was how I learned how to do that, and for ME, it was a lot faster than messing up and hoping to glean the lesson, and then figuring out a plan of attack,
but hey, whatever works is what we all need to determine.
Good luck Frank, I hope you have a great time with your family.
And while you are there, I hope you will really BE there
Okay yes, getting new tools for living well,
does take work. It rarely (if ever) just "happens".
But please realize it's not exactly digging a ditch in a field of dung and hot tar. I mean, a lot of this "work" is about living well, living fully and being in the present. Learning from good times and learning from our mistakes.
But even then it is not all about pain. A lot of it is about feeling JOY as fully as we have felt anger or pain or grief or fear....without interference or pollutants.
((Ever notice that we can get REALLY angry about something -- and nothing else gets our attention for awhile? OTOH, we can feel happy about something, but allow other factors in that interfere or lessen our joy?))
THAT^^ has to be reversed, and there are ways to do that. For ME, Essential Experience (the 4 day workshop) was how I learned how to do that, and for ME, it was a lot faster than messing up and hoping to glean the lesson, and then figuring out a plan of attack,
but hey, whatever works is what we all need to determine.
Good luck Frank, I hope you have a great time with your family.
And while you are there, I hope you will really BE there
I'm just overwhelmed right now. The EE seminar sounds great but it will take up a decent chunk of the time i'll have with my family. I know that sounds dumb but (logistics aside) it's taken me 8 years to visit and right now i think the time with family will be just as important. I'll be there for 10 days and EE is 4 days. I know it will be beneficial but i just can't sacrifice the time right now
Thanks for the help and advice, i really do listen to it all and try to absorb as much as possible.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/02/15 06:29 PM
Originally Posted By: susana4
Frank, I'm really glad to hear the medicine's helping so much; not just in the interactions with your wife and your overall outlook but also helping you move forward and do other things in your life, like with flying. That's great! Hope you have a great time with your family.
And hope you get a chance to attend EE. From everything I've heard it's amazing, I read up on it and wish I could attend but right now the airfare is just too much (I'm in Europe) so I'm trying to find something similar locally but haven't. So take the opportunity if you get it!
And hope you get a chance to attend EE. From everything I've heard it's amazing, I read up on it and wish I could attend but right now the airfare is just too much (I'm in Europe) so I'm trying to find something similar locally but haven't. So take the opportunity if you get it!
I know, it's a weird feeling not being totally stressed all of the time and fighting off waves of panic and anxiety. I'm making the flight reservations today so hopefully those feelings stay away.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/03/15 10:03 PM
Plane tickets booked, took me 7 years and some prescription drugs to do this but it's such a relief. I haven't seen my family in so long. I just hope these pills are enough to get me through these flights.
oh wait, no fear! these pills WILL be enough to get me through these flights.
Nothing new on the home front. wife asked me if i told my brother about us yet and i said yes, but then she wanted more info and i shut down. She got mad but i just didn't feel like getting into it right then I plan on apologizing and explaining myself to her when she gets home from work.
oh wait, no fear! these pills WILL be enough to get me through these flights.
Nothing new on the home front. wife asked me if i told my brother about us yet and i said yes, but then she wanted more info and i shut down. She got mad but i just didn't feel like getting into it right then
I plan on apologizing and explaining myself to her when she gets home from work.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/03/15 10:13 PM
"I plan on apologizing and explaining myself to her when she gets home from work."
Why? You don't owe her an explanation.
Why? You don't owe her an explanation.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/03/15 10:19 PM
Originally Posted By: MrBond
"I plan on apologizing and explaining myself to her when she gets home from work."
Why? You don't owe her an explanation.
Why? You don't owe her an explanation.
I'd say the #1 issue in our marriage is communication. I could have just said something like "i don't feel like talking about it, maybe later" but i just gave her a 1 word answer and it was rude of me.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/04/15 12:46 AM
Be careful how you word it. Be sure you say it with compassion for both of you. The WAS will have a way of turning around your apology to say how they were right and you were wrong as "always".
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/04/15 01:08 AM
Originally Posted By: MrBond
Be careful how you word it. Be sure you say it with compassion for both of you. The WAS will have a way of turning around your apology to say how they were right and you were wrong as "always".
Good to know, thanks
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/06/15 03:59 PM
How are you doing Frank? When do you leave for your trip?
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/07/15 11:00 PM
Originally Posted By: susana4
How are you doing Frank? When do you leave for your trip?
Laying low right now. Wife is away visting a childhood friend so i'm just trying to relax. I leave next saturday for 2 weeks, i guess these pills work because i'm not stressed at all about flying. before these pills i'd be going nuts thinking about it.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/07/15 11:54 PM
Originally Posted By: Frank75
Originally Posted By: susana4
How are you doing Frank? When do you leave for your trip?
Laying low right now. Wife is away visting a childhood friend so i'm just trying to relax. I leave next saturday for 2 weeks, i guess these pills work because i'm not stressed at all about flying. before these pills i'd be going nuts thinking about it.
That's good.
Really glad to hear it! Enjoy your time relaxing, and make sure to do some stuff for yourself!
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/09/15 04:42 PM
Originally Posted By: susana4
Originally Posted By: Frank75
Originally Posted By: susana4
How are you doing Frank? When do you leave for your trip?
Laying low right now. Wife is away visting a childhood friend so i'm just trying to relax. I leave next saturday for 2 weeks, i guess these pills work because i'm not stressed at all about flying. before these pills i'd be going nuts thinking about it.
That's good.
Really glad to hear it! Enjoy your time relaxing, and make sure to do some stuff for yourself! Thanks, i just relaxed and watched hockey the whole time
She came back yesterday and said hello, gave me a hug and pretty much stayed in the bedroom but didn't bring ANYTHING up about "us".
I know i'll get in trouble for bringing this up because it's about her but i'm starting to think this whole thing might be related to depression or something. I was googling depression for myself and i started finding a lot of stories very similar to my situation. I'm not saying i'm not to blame for everything, but it seems like depression is just a multiplier for bad feelings. I go back to the doctor on friday so i might ask her for some advice.
Oh and my wife has suffered with bouts of depression (untreated) since i've known her, but i never knew the full extent of it. I always just thought it was being sad/laying in bed. I never knew how bad it could be in terms of relationships.
I'm not taking any blame off of myself and i'm still working on making myself a better person. Things make a lot more sense now though how being occasionally unhappy morphed into something this big.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/09/15 06:30 PM
Frank, I'm a little confused, are you saying your depression or your wife's depression? Or both?
If you think she's depressed - is she getting treatment? Is she aware of her problem?
Unfortunately if she's not seeking treatment, she'll really need to realise that for herself and seek it... I know how hard it is watching someone you love suffer, because right now I am watching my H spiral with his drinking, but unfortunately we can't make them go get help... It's just something they have to (hopefully) realise for themselves. I hope your wife is getting or does get some treatment.
If you think she's depressed - is she getting treatment? Is she aware of her problem?
Unfortunately if she's not seeking treatment, she'll really need to realise that for herself and seek it... I know how hard it is watching someone you love suffer, because right now I am watching my H spiral with his drinking, but unfortunately we can't make them go get help... It's just something they have to (hopefully) realise for themselves. I hope your wife is getting or does get some treatment.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/09/15 06:31 PM
Depression can be serious enough to cause people to commit suicide.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/09/15 06:58 PM
Originally Posted By: Frank75
Oh and my wife has suffered with bouts of depression (untreated) since i've known her, but i never knew the full extent of it.
Sorry I've just read this. Your say her depression's untreated - is she aware of her depression? Has she ever had treatment before?
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/09/15 07:24 PM
Sorry for being unclear, I was talking about her depression. She's always gone through "low" phases since I've known her. She has never been to a doctor at all for it, and never been on any type of medication. I never knew the depth and scope of depression though.
She's very defensive about it, and at this point in time I have no idea how to even bring it up without her trying to think i'm blaming our entire situation on depression.
From everything i'm reading though, it seems like depressed people see the world through a negative filter and often times project their unhappiness onto other things like their SOs/marriages.
We don't have a perfect relationship, not by far but this could explain a lot of our issues. Especially since this divorce request came at a time when she was totally stressed/depressed about work, and about our dead dog.
She's very defensive about it, and at this point in time I have no idea how to even bring it up without her trying to think i'm blaming our entire situation on depression.
From everything i'm reading though, it seems like depressed people see the world through a negative filter and often times project their unhappiness onto other things like their SOs/marriages.
We don't have a perfect relationship, not by far but this could explain a lot of our issues. Especially since this divorce request came at a time when she was totally stressed/depressed about work, and about our dead dog.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/10/15 08:08 PM
Quote:
From everything i'm reading though, it seems like depressed people see the world through a negative filter and often times project their unhappiness onto other things like their SOs/marriages.
I think it is more complicated than just having a negative attitude. The negative thinking comes from being so depressed.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/11/15 01:25 AM
Originally Posted By: Frank75
She's very defensive about it, and at this point in time I have no idea how to even bring it up without her trying to think i'm blaming our entire situation on depression.
Definitely avoid anything that hints of blaming the situation on depression, it won't help you and it won't help her either. Separate the situation and the depression in your mind. Do you think she might be at risk of harming herself? If so, then you need to figure out a way to get help.
If not, then you might be able to figure out a way to get her to seek treatment but it sounds like it would be hard if she's defensive. And it's hard to do this without coming across as pushing. Speak to your doctor or have a look around online for how to address this.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/11/15 06:14 PM
Originally Posted By: sandi2
I think it is more complicated than just having a negative attitude. The negative thinking comes from being so depressed.
Originally Posted By: susana4
Originally Posted By: Frank75
She's very defensive about it, and at this point in time I have no idea how to even bring it up without her trying to think i'm blaming our entire situation on depression.
Definitely avoid anything that hints of blaming the situation on depression, it won't help you and it won't help her either. Separate the situation and the depression in your mind. Do you think she might be at risk of harming herself? If so, then you need to figure out a way to get help.
If not, then you might be able to figure out a way to get her to seek treatment but it sounds like it would be hard if she's defensive. And it's hard to do this without coming across as pushing. Speak to your doctor or have a look around online for how to address this.
Good idea, I haven't brought up anything to her yet. I have a doctor's appointment on friday so i'm going to ask the doctor for opinions on what to do.
Yesterday she was in bed until like 1pm, then got up and went to work and "tried" to quit again. This is like the 10th time she's tried to quit this job but they guilt her into staying. The similarities between this job and our marriage is what's getting me. Like she can't quit her job so she's redirecting this stress onto us and quitting me instead. That's my armchair psychologist opinion anyway
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/11/15 09:09 PM
And this morning she's in a great mood, sat in the living room all day while i worked, talked to me, etc. This is the day after she was told she could cut her hours back and do most of her work from home.
No stress - happier wife. Coincidence or am i looking too hard into this stuff? She hasn't been like this for almost a month
No stress - happier wife. Coincidence or am i looking too hard into this stuff? She hasn't been like this for almost a month
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/12/15 09:01 PM
Frank,
Put the focus back on yourself for 2 reasons.
1: You are the only one you can control. All this talk about HER issues, while just beginning to work on yours, sort of smacks of you wanting to fix HER and NOT YOU - and then of course you wanting to get her back, which is about control.
2: By YOU getting help, including the meds, she can see the example YOU set.
If she notices any changes in your life or attitude & comments, you can say you were depressed BUT you "got some help and it's really paying off". IF she has complimented you in some way for it, you then thank her and don't stare at her hoping she keeps talking. Just let her see the happiness and inner peace growing in you, and let nature take its course b/c of course she'll want in on that!
IF depression is an issue in her life that she is capable of addressing, it'd be far more likely to happen, by her seeing changes in your behavior and happiness level - than anything you might "suggest" to her.
Especially if you are so depressed yourself that your fears and inertia keep you stuck. What good would it do then, to have you tell her how she can fix herself while she sees you wallowing?
Wouldn't she just roll her eyes at you telling her what to do for HER depression while surrendering to your own?
We learn from what others DO, not what they say. Same goes for what others learn from us....or to put it another way, "actions speak louder than words".
Make sense?
Put the focus back on yourself for 2 reasons.
1: You are the only one you can control. All this talk about HER issues, while just beginning to work on yours, sort of smacks of you wanting to fix HER and NOT YOU - and then of course you wanting to get her back, which is about control.
2: By YOU getting help, including the meds, she can see the example YOU set.
If she notices any changes in your life or attitude & comments, you can say you were depressed BUT you "got some help and it's really paying off". IF she has complimented you in some way for it, you then thank her and don't stare at her hoping she keeps talking. Just let her see the happiness and inner peace growing in you, and let nature take its course b/c of course she'll want in on that!
IF depression is an issue in her life that she is capable of addressing, it'd be far more likely to happen, by her seeing changes in your behavior and happiness level - than anything you might "suggest" to her.
Especially if you are so depressed yourself that your fears and inertia keep you stuck. What good would it do then, to have you tell her how she can fix herself while she sees you wallowing?
Wouldn't she just roll her eyes at you telling her what to do for HER depression while surrendering to your own?
We learn from what others DO, not what they say. Same goes for what others learn from us....or to put it another way, "actions speak louder than words".
Make sense?
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/12/15 09:05 PM
None of this^^ is to say your wife is not depressed. And for SOME folks it is easier to end a marriage than a job, which is weird but true.
I'm simply reminding you that you really cannot convince her that SHE is her problem, with words.
IF IF IF any action you take could get her to stop and think it might be within her to repair this,
it would be by you taking charge of your life and happiness and Not being so depressed. Anyone witnessing that, will want to know "the secret".
(Of course the secret is, there's no secret. We are all in charge of our own lives and our own happiness and we always were).
Keep taking steps for that and moving forward.
I'm simply reminding you that you really cannot convince her that SHE is her problem, with words.
IF IF IF any action you take could get her to stop and think it might be within her to repair this,
it would be by you taking charge of your life and happiness and Not being so depressed. Anyone witnessing that, will want to know "the secret".
(Of course the secret is, there's no secret. We are all in charge of our own lives and our own happiness and we always were).
Keep taking steps for that and moving forward.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 02/18/15 12:04 AM
Hey Frank, how's it going?
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 03/10/15 03:55 AM
Sorry for the hiatus, I went home to philly for a few weeks and reallllly needed that. I was surrounded by people that love me and that was good enough for me.
My second week there, my wife emails me telling me she went to the apartment i was looking at and they only had 1 unit for rent SO SHE GOT IT FOR ME. What, am i in the twilight zone??? I just said whatever, thanks because i was going to do it anyway. here's the kicker though, she picked me up from the airport and she's like "by the way, i moved your stuff for you"...so after like 16 hours of flying, all i wanted to do was go home to bed but instead i was moved into an apartment lol..i can't even begin to describe how i felt. This was last weekend.
And then the lexapro kicked in and i was like, you know what? I'm not even wasting my sanity on this anymore. So i embraced the apartment life, i'm LOVING it here, and i signed up for a few dating websites. I NEED to be loved again and I NEED someone to love. I'm not looking to rush into anything but i already met a few reallllly nice women and have a few dates set up. I'm blazing a trail forward, with or without my "wife". Funny how a few months, some counseling, some reading up on grief and some drugs can get you through the worst time of your life. Looking back at my old posts, i don't even know that sad person anymore. I was living in fear like someone here told me and F that...no more. Into the future!
My second week there, my wife emails me telling me she went to the apartment i was looking at and they only had 1 unit for rent SO SHE GOT IT FOR ME. What, am i in the twilight zone??? I just said whatever, thanks because i was going to do it anyway. here's the kicker though, she picked me up from the airport and she's like "by the way, i moved your stuff for you"...so after like 16 hours of flying, all i wanted to do was go home to bed but instead i was moved into an apartment lol..i can't even begin to describe how i felt. This was last weekend.
And then the lexapro kicked in and i was like, you know what? I'm not even wasting my sanity on this anymore. So i embraced the apartment life, i'm LOVING it here, and i signed up for a few dating websites. I NEED to be loved again and I NEED someone to love. I'm not looking to rush into anything but i already met a few reallllly nice women and have a few dates set up. I'm blazing a trail forward, with or without my "wife". Funny how a few months, some counseling, some reading up on grief and some drugs can get you through the worst time of your life. Looking back at my old posts, i don't even know that sad person anymore. I was living in fear like someone here told me and F that...no more. Into the future!
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 03/10/15 03:58 AM
Oh and i can't remember if i said this before or not but last month she filed for divorce on her own and told me about it the next day. She really wanted out of this relationship i guess, i can't even fathom this whole situation so i just have to distance myself for my own sanity. I told her she's treating me like a wife beater or something, when in fact i'm probably one of the nicer people out there. Oh well.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 03/10/15 04:01 AM
It's amazing how they punish the ones who cared for them. I think we men give up to much to them and then this is our punishment.
Do you have a link to your original thread? Any advice you could give me would be appreciated as well. We might have similiar situations.
Do you have a link to your original thread? Any advice you could give me would be appreciated as well. We might have similiar situations.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 03/10/15 04:49 PM
Originally Posted By: Sherman333
It's amazing how they punish the ones who cared for them. I think we men give up to much to them and then this is our punishment.
Do you have a link to your original thread? Any advice you could give me would be appreciated as well. We might have similiar situations.
Do you have a link to your original thread? Any advice you could give me would be appreciated as well. We might have similiar situations.
This is my original thread....this all started about 2 months ago. You can see from that first thread I was absolutely devastated and 8 weeks later i've accepted it.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...039#Post2529039
I know how you feel though, I wasn't the perfect husband but I didn't deserve to be treated like I was. I still don't understand her feelings and probably never will but she did this to me, so I can't feel guilty or anything anymore about moving on with my life. I'll always love her but I really don't think I can be IN love with her ever again after thinking about how much she's hurt me.
My advice to you would be to go to a doctor if you're depressed and get some pills, they helped me so much I can't even put it into words...and I was always pretty anti-pharmaceutical. Also, have the dr refer you to a counselor...that also helped me a tremendous amount. Having another person ask you the tough questions and get your feelings out there is a great start to moving forward.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 03/11/15 09:43 PM
Hi Frank, glad to hear you are doing better and feeling so positive! Sounds like the counseling and ADs have been effective and that's good, hope you're keeping up with the counseling.
I just wanted to say though that I would caution you about the dating. Everyone moves at their own pace and will obviously be ready at different times *but* it hasn't even been 2 months since BD and that seems awwwfully early to be dating to me. I don't think it's fair on the women you are seeing (are you really ready for them?) but nor do I think it's fair on yourself, you need to give yourself time to process this, work on yourself and then move on. I'd encourage you to look within and ask yourself why you're dating at this point - is it to cover up the pain?
Also this statement was a little concerning to me --
I'd encourage you to dig deep on that one. You NEED to be loved? That doesn't sound healthy. You are a whole complete person on your own. As I've heard others say - you're the cake, ok? Any R is the icing on top. Sounds like you're confusing the cake and the icing.
I just wanted to say though that I would caution you about the dating. Everyone moves at their own pace and will obviously be ready at different times *but* it hasn't even been 2 months since BD and that seems awwwfully early to be dating to me. I don't think it's fair on the women you are seeing (are you really ready for them?) but nor do I think it's fair on yourself, you need to give yourself time to process this, work on yourself and then move on. I'd encourage you to look within and ask yourself why you're dating at this point - is it to cover up the pain?
Also this statement was a little concerning to me --
Originally Posted By: Frank75
I NEED to be loved again and I NEED someone to love.
I'd encourage you to dig deep on that one. You NEED to be loved? That doesn't sound healthy. You are a whole complete person on your own. As I've heard others say - you're the cake, ok? Any R is the icing on top. Sounds like you're confusing the cake and the icing.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 03/16/15 06:48 PM
Hi Susana
After counseling and some deep thought, I realized that I have been pretty much alone for at least a year and more like 2. I wasn't married, I haven't been so much as kissed in 2 years (TMI? Sorry). So even though this whole thing is 2-3 months old, it goes back further than that. I know I had a breakdown about it but that's as much about losing a best friend as anything else. I just want to get back out there. I'm 100% honest about everything when I talk to other women and you're right, some of them don't want to be a rebound but after I explain my situation they don't mind hanging out. I'm just looking to make friends first and if I happen to meet 'the one', so be it. I'm just playing it by ear.
After counseling and some deep thought, I realized that I have been pretty much alone for at least a year and more like 2. I wasn't married, I haven't been so much as kissed in 2 years (TMI? Sorry). So even though this whole thing is 2-3 months old, it goes back further than that. I know I had a breakdown about it but that's as much about losing a best friend as anything else. I just want to get back out there. I'm 100% honest about everything when I talk to other women and you're right, some of them don't want to be a rebound but after I explain my situation they don't mind hanging out. I'm just looking to make friends first and if I happen to meet 'the one', so be it. I'm just playing it by ear.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 03/16/15 07:07 PM
Hi Frank - there's truly no offence intended here. But I would guess that most sensible women would give you and your sitch a wide berth right now. I think Susana is spot on, and your time may be best spent working through things, understanding yourself better, and moving forwards/healing alone.
It sounds like early days to think about dating - and probably isn't a healthy move - IMHO.
It sounds like early days to think about dating - and probably isn't a healthy move - IMHO.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 03/17/15 07:31 PM
No offense taken. I just feel so good mentally and physically for the first time in years I just want to get out there and experience what I've been missing. I am looking for love but not immediately, sorry if I came off the wrong way. I know this forum is about busting divorce, but I guess some people might be trying to do that for the wrong reasons....like myself. I was in denial and in a very toxic relationship. I was dependent on someone else and felt like I HAD to protect her...from herself and everything else. I just am optimistic and happy for the first time in a very long time
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 05/27/15 12:25 AM
Just an update. I know its been a while but i got wrapped up in my new life and didn't get back around to posting until now.
I thank everyone for their advice and help, especially when I was at my lowest point back in January. I'm not sure what would have happened if i hadn't found this forum. I was totally alone and had no idea how to get out of my hole.
Anyway, it's a few months later now, the divorce was amicable and it's final now. I met an awesome woman last month that blows my mind on a daily basis. It's hard to regret anything I did in the past since that path I chose led me to this woman. I just wanted to offer up encouragement to other people going through the same things as I did. The light at the end of the tunnel is out there, either by fixing your relationship or accepting the end and moving on.
I thank everyone for their advice and help, especially when I was at my lowest point back in January. I'm not sure what would have happened if i hadn't found this forum. I was totally alone and had no idea how to get out of my hole.
Anyway, it's a few months later now, the divorce was amicable and it's final now. I met an awesome woman last month that blows my mind on a daily basis. It's hard to regret anything I did in the past since that path I chose led me to this woman. I just wanted to offer up encouragement to other people going through the same things as I did. The light at the end of the tunnel is out there, either by fixing your relationship or accepting the end and moving on.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 09/22/15 11:00 PM
Just another update in case people are still following my saga. I'm still with the same awesome woman like 6 months later. We're planning on getting engaged next year. It might seem to fast to outsiders but it was basically love at first sight and we've been inseparable ever since the day we met. Thanks to everyone that posted in this thread with advice and cold hard facts even if i didn't want to hear it at the time. You convinced me that I was worthwhile and that life can go on. Thank you!
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 09/23/15 08:52 AM
Hi Frank, it sounds as though things are going well for you and that you realise your own worth and that life goes on after a relationship breaks down.
As you say, you did become involved with a new person pretty quickly. I hope things work out for you guys. For me, the only thing to bear in mind is that we do need to heal and learn from what happened to avoid potentially going round a similar loop again. Patterns of behaviour in our old R can emerge again in our new R, given time. Hopefully you have taken the time to learn from this experience and that will serve you well in your new relationship.
Good luck to you both! Sotto
As you say, you did become involved with a new person pretty quickly. I hope things work out for you guys. For me, the only thing to bear in mind is that we do need to heal and learn from what happened to avoid potentially going round a similar loop again. Patterns of behaviour in our old R can emerge again in our new R, given time. Hopefully you have taken the time to learn from this experience and that will serve you well in your new relationship.
Good luck to you both! Sotto
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 01/21/16 02:10 PM
Thanks Sotto. It was a quick turnaround. I know that's not optimal in any way but I just rolled with it because she's such an awesome person.
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my first post here. I come back from time to time to reread my posts and see how utterly desperate I was. I don't even recognize that person to be honest. I was just scared of facing reality, scared of a new life...a life without a person i'd been with for 15 years.
It was hard but in the end i'd do it all over again. I got engaged on xmas eve to the person I posted about months ago. Again, from an outsider perspective it has to seem outlandish but I've spent almost every waking hour with this woman for the last 10 months. We make each other better people, I can't say enough good things about her. She made me realize that I'm worthy of love...I didn't realize how much self-loathing i was full of until I met her. I can't explain it, i'm just completely happy for the first time in years and head over heels in love with her. We're planning on getting married in the fall.
Hopefully someone in a similar situation sees my posts and realizes that it takes 2 to make a marriage work...you can't force it. And sometimes you just have to walk away. I'm a better person for it, as much as it hurt.
Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my first post here. I come back from time to time to reread my posts and see how utterly desperate I was. I don't even recognize that person to be honest. I was just scared of facing reality, scared of a new life...a life without a person i'd been with for 15 years.
It was hard but in the end i'd do it all over again. I got engaged on xmas eve to the person I posted about months ago. Again, from an outsider perspective it has to seem outlandish but I've spent almost every waking hour with this woman for the last 10 months. We make each other better people, I can't say enough good things about her. She made me realize that I'm worthy of love...I didn't realize how much self-loathing i was full of until I met her. I can't explain it, i'm just completely happy for the first time in years and head over heels in love with her. We're planning on getting married in the fall.
Hopefully someone in a similar situation sees my posts and realizes that it takes 2 to make a marriage work...you can't force it. And sometimes you just have to walk away. I'm a better person for it, as much as it hurt.
Re: Utterly Gutted Part 2 - 01/18/17 02:45 PM
I guess this time of year reminds me of the lowest point of my life so i revisit it and realize how different I am now.
It's been 2 years since I got my dear john letter. I got remarried last august to a wonderful woman and things are awesome now. Rereading my posts now is partly depressing and partly cathartic, I'm not sure anyone really ever fully "recovers" from something like this. I still think about it from time to time. It no longer makes me sad, just a little anger and a little feeling of being betrayed.
For anyone going through it currently, just realize it gets better and easier no matter how your situation pans out.
It's been 2 years since I got my dear john letter. I got remarried last august to a wonderful woman and things are awesome now. Rereading my posts now is partly depressing and partly cathartic, I'm not sure anyone really ever fully "recovers" from something like this. I still think about it from time to time. It no longer makes me sad, just a little anger and a little feeling of being betrayed.
For anyone going through it currently, just realize it gets better and easier no matter how your situation pans out.