Last thread was at the end of 11 pages. New thread time!
Recap:
- He cheated on me not once, but twice
- He left me to move in with OW #2
- He lied about all of it, including that there was no one else, that he was sleeping with someone but not in an R with her, that he wasn't moving her into our apartment when I left, so on and so forth [now they're buying a house, golly gee, that was quick!].
- I confronted OW #2 with his history and she revealed most of his lies. Is apparently staying with "her eyes more opened".
Add to that that he only sees negative in all of the years he and I R'd and while he seems to think I'm an "amazing person" he's adamant that he and I together "just don't work".
We're NC, he refuses to speak to me, which is fine and dandy. Jerk (I'm STILL in the anger stage).
Tally ho.
Last thread we were talking about having dreams involving your WAS and their OP. And how much it [censored]. Stupid brains.
I guess I'm having a bad night. Crying. Trying to rationalize why he's not worth crying over and how I deserve better than this and what he's done.
If I rationalize it, I feel like I'm drowning in emotions I'm suppressing. It hurts and I ache and I feel restless and horrible.
If I let myself feel it, missing a man I consider my twin essence and soul-mate for whom I feel unconditional love, no matter what either one of us has done to the other, it just gouges into me until missing him makes me drown, too. I feel like I'm itchy all over and I want to peel my own skin off because it just hurts.
I don't know how to get over these things. I feel so abandoned and I just want to have a temper tantrum. How could it be that after 10 years together he's okay with just walking away?
Hi little
I can't sleep either tonight. One of those arguments the mind and soul get into and we get caught in the crossfire.
Hang on in there little.
Edz
Little
Cry if you want, why not, it releases and gets rid of toxins. Allow yourself a set period to grieve and feel angry.
Then stop.
Go do something else, occupy your emotions with something active. Play some wonderful music, dance, sing a long.
Bake a cake or read. Try sudoku, anything to let go. paint a room, clean a drawer, draw a cartoon of H. Then go exercise.
Go GAL even if you don't want to.
The body and mind can only hold one emotion at a time. If you are actively doing another activity then the rest goes. That is my tactic.
Hi Little
Hows it going today, has the sleep got any better, you ok my friend?
Edz
Carrying on, carrying on. Having trouble with my budget and that's stressing me out. I'm just no good at managing my funds. There's enough coming in, I'm just really crappy with the outflow. LOL
How are you guys?
Suppose I shouldnt grumble (I will anyway most days
)
Ticking along as per my thread, its sunny today, I slept well w is "tuned out" at the moment and I think dealing with some repercussions of her decisions I'm just trying to give her space to do what she wants or needs to for now.
Do you do a Dave Ramsey style budget, Little?
I don't have any budget, and that's part of my issue.
Still here. Still NC. Still miss BF fiercely. Still carrying on anyway.
Le sigh.
Thanks for the update. I'm always keen to know what's happening with you. I hope things are getting a little better overall.
Hiya little
So what else you been up to of late?
Little
Here is a budget site I recommend to my clients. It is free stuff and explains very well with access to resources. I consider it well written, but I apologise if you already know this stuff. Plenty of GAL points for this!
http://christianpf.com/how-to-make-a-budget/V
(((Little)))
I know how you feel about crying and just kind of feeling lost. My IC tells me that crying is good and it is healing. I responded that I should be the healthiest, sanest person on the planet if that is the case, because I cry quite frequently.
Hang in there!
I want to get my feelings out by writing them down, but I just can't do it. Thoughts flit through my head and yet every time I sit down I can't write them out.
Yeah, I didn't write much at the beginning, I felt silly.
I didn't know who to out my pov out there and try and explain my things my way. I was too raw too jumpy.
But mostly we have all Been there and few will beat you up.
Hi Little. How are you doing anyway?
I've written LOADS and it really helped me order my thoughts, but i'm not sure it helped me to detach or dwell
If you have windows 7 (or maybe later) it has a voice to text function so you could try just setting that going and talking at your computer for a bit - plus you'll get the entertainment of the random misinterpretation that the software does.
Little
Let it rest a while, I believe the jumble will settle and the thoughts will flow.
Give yourself a well earned respite and relax. Our little will find her writing voice, it is not lost only temporarily mislaid.
V
So your not dead either!
The flue has tryed to claim me, but so far I'm wining just.snifs
Not dead. Soldiering on. Moving forward.
Still miss BF a huge bunch, but still trying to put my life where I want it.
We all get it.
Really we do and your welcome to share if and when.
Any issues, just hollar. We are around.
Nice to see you around, Little. Would you care to give us a bit more of an update? What exactly are you doing? What's fun? What's hard? What's working?
How did you get on with budgeting?
What is the GAL score
V
Mmmm.....no budget set as yet, but definitely becoming better about not eating out as much. I was gifted with a dorm fridge (my apartment has no kitchen because it's an in-law unit), and that's helped. I'm buying cheap soups and such, which oddly is also helping me lose weight -- I'm assuming it's the portion control.
I also got a library card, so I'm not buying books to feed my habit. I'm a voracious reader with two libraries at my disposal between work and home, so thumbs up to that.
As an introvert, I'm alternating my time between going out with friends and enjoying the solitude of living in a house with no one but the cats.
Emotionally, I'm sort of on neutral ground. I miss and love BF to the point I don't even feel like dating anyone else (I played around on Plenty of Fish and OKCupid), but the knowledge I'll have to live without someone I feel like is my other half has sort of waned in pain factor. It doesn't gouge at me and make me panic like it used to.
Other than that it's pretty status quo. I like the stability of routine, so I'm settled and kind of floating through life.
Good to see you Little! I know you what mean about being on that neutral ground emotionally. I struggle with being an introvert and trying to GAL, because left to my own devices, I am perfectly fine curled up at home with the dog, watching a good movie, reading a book or just "being".
Thinking of you today and sending you positive thoughts.
Morning. Checking in on everyone.
Hiya Little
Good to see you about
Ok here, weather dull and not the most exciting day but doodling along, you ok?
Hi Little - hope you're doing okay? Are you still raiding the local library? (fellow book lover here!) So Edz - what's the difference between a doodle and a tootle do you think?
Loving the new attitude Little.
Inch by Inch!
V
Was just told a story by a mutual friend, about how she witnessed BF and his sister in an exchange on Facebook. She says he was teasing his sister about being mushy in a Valentine's Day post regarding her boyfriend, and his sister retorted that he was the same, all his talk about how OW is "the one".
Barf. Cried on the way home, but I have PMS and it doesn't really mean anything.
Not kind of your friend to tell you that story. I'm sorry.
Awwww Little.
Just think of her as "the one" who puts up with his lies, cheating and bullsh!t! Have fun OW, have fun!
Hugs!
I'm adopting another kitty so that my little one can have someone to play and rough house with. Hoping this will keep him exercised and happy and give the elder kitty some relief.
We're going to see him today, trying to think of good names for him!
Also going to breakfast and a home show with a friend.
Still one foot in front of the other.
I second Lisa's opinion! OW is not winning a prize -- she is willingly investing in a known cheater who lies. Would you want to be with a person like that? Is that acceptable, or desirable, to you? Good riddance! Have fun with the new kitty. Stay strong -- you are worth so much more!
Yeah little, it's no prize she has won.
She's not aware she has the rough end of the pineapple, later she will wake up and see it's not even a pineapple.
I know, It stings to a degree. Go out and have coffe or do something for you.
You need to read edzs and jim, vanilla and my thread. Seem we all had silly pils and billy Connely eat your heart out. You sound like you need a smile sweet pea.
Still difficult, eh? Tell us: anything got easier in the last month or two?
I'm so glad I never hear anything about the romance between WAW and OM. Sorry you had to hear this Facebook exchange. If what you've reported on him is accurate, it won't last and your XBF is set up for failure. I'm not sure it's any comfort because the real question is: would he be a good partner for you in the long run, after what he's just done?
Barf.
Still on the "this is a thing that actually happens to people?!" train.
BAAAAARRRRFFFF.
Hi Little.
you bought a smile to my face. I hope you are doing ok
I'm afraid I'm always going to be so god damned Piscean that, despite knowing my love is wasted on someone that never compromised with me and ultimately completely disrespected and abandoned me in the end, I'm always going to subconsciously feel that I'd rather be alone without the other half of me than be with anyone else. He fills the void and everyone else emphasizes the gap.
Right now it's a "life is unfair, but it is what it is" feeling. I know I deserve better, however I can see this feeling lasting - because I'm melodramatic and prone to feeling everything to the very depths of my soul.
Deeper, when it's love, which I believe is unconditional.
Le sigh. I know the path through this is a marathon and not a sprint, but....
Ditto.
I'm feeling the same way right now.
Take care of you.
((((())))))
So, I've been friends with an ex of BF's for a long time. She and he are friendly...in fact, she's a lesbian and dated BF when she was still in the closet and in denial about her sexuality. For the sake of this story, we'll call her Ex #1.
She was working in a town I have to drive through on the way home and asked on FB if someone would deliver her a coffee. I'm a nice person, so I stopped at Dunkin' Donuts and got her her French Vanilla coffee.
It was revealed to me as we shot the [censored] for about 20 minutes, that BF cheated on her, too. He was with ex #2 for 10 years, but before that, he cheated on ex #1 with her. Ex #2 was married and refused to leave her husband for BF, so he went back to Ex #1 and begged her to take him back, stating cheating on her was a mistake. When Ex #1 realized she was into women, she broke it off with BF and they parted ways, leading him to immediately shack up with ex #2, whose marriage had by then died a death on its own.
I (Ex #3!) did not know this. I was not aware his pattern went this far back, because as far as I knew, he claimed that cheating on ex #2 was out of character for him.
Well, man, the more you know....
For the record, if there's a "side" to be had in this break up between he and I, she's on mine. She loves him as a person but admits to his weaknesses and flaws, and states that his behavior of moving in with his new girlfriend seems rushed and ill-advised. She's appalled.
C'est la vie.
Thought I was out of the woods emotionally, but found myself in a heap sobbing my little heart out, this evening.
All things change. Emotions change. Time heals all wounds.
I still feel like I'm missing my soulmate. I'm still so hurt I wasn't enough.
HEAL FASTER, DAMN IT.
Same here. At first, I wanted to take a pill that would take me 3 months later, after the pain was gone. Well, it's almost six months and I still cry every day. I don't know when it will stop, but I know that the pain doesn't do any good to anyone anyway.
I encourage you though to stop referring to him as your "soulmate". I think it's 25yearsmlc or sandi2 who said here that it's not really helpful, and I believe it. I brings me more sadness and makes it harder to detach. Have you been able to get out there a little and meet new people?
Same here. I haven't been crying much lately but out of nowhere I started crying in the middle of shavasana last night.....followed by a profound sense of loss and desire to email H (managed not to). Now I feel a new sense of DB prowess. C'mob guys, we can do this!
I'm having issues letting the past control me. I don't want to go to the town that BF and I lived in (where his new GF has her store, right on main street! GAG!) and I CERTAINLY don't want to go to the town where he and his new GF live in their new house. I do not, under any circumstances, want reminders of how our R blew up and I don't want to risk running into either of them.
I don't strictly have to go to these places (there's nothing in these towns that *requires* me to go there, save the shopping is better; but there are other options on my route to and from work in the opposite direction), but I feel like I'm limiting myself due to fear of negative emotions and that angers me because in a sense, it's letting him control me.
It's been 7 months and there are still quiet moments where I recall what's been done and my stomach gets queasy. More due to the fact that someone I put my love in could behave in this manner; it's still utterly disgusting to me.
It's also old news. Get over it, Little.
45\ <---- my cat walked across the keyboard and left a love note for you guys.
I'm also concerned because my sex-drive has been nill (I think due to medications, both an antidepressant and a hormonal birth control pill I'm taking to regulate my cycles) and even though I'm not seeing anyone, I've got this PTSD situation in my head figuring that no one will ever love someone that doesn't want to have sex twice a day like a wild animal. I hate that people such emphasis on sex as a form of intimacy. It makes me feel pressure and I'm not even intimate with anyone.
Don't get me wrong; I love sex and I'm a very sexual person, but I feel like I have nothing to offer someone if I'm not running on all cylinders where this is concerned and that [censored]. I hate how self-worth is related to this, because people make a huge deal out of it.
Little
If you keep picking the scab it will bleed and scar.
Let it alone to itch, the scab will drop off and there will be new pink skin.
As for the sex drive, well overdrive when you next hit the ready, set, go button. My bestie says women are either juicy tomatoes or celery sticks. I guess Little knows which one she is, in the same flame red soup as V then?
V
2 hours until my birthday and all I can do is sob and cry. Having a horrible day emotionally. It slammed into me like a ton of bricks, unexpectedly.
Happy Birthday Little.
I've read a few times round here that sometimes these slams are part of the next stage of letting go. Its like a relapse but each time its not quite as bad and you recover that little bit more.
I hope you have a good day.
((((Little))))
Happy birthday little
(((((Little)))))
I hope you have a great one and yes I know how you feel please try to spend your day doing something you really enjoy, pamper and spoil yourself OK?
Hi Little, Happy Birthday. Try not to focus on your sitch today...it's YOUR day to shine.
If I could just pick up on the "soulmate" comment.
You will NOT be able to detach properly so long as you think of H in that way. I used to believe my W was my soulmate too, but not any more. That's not me being bitter, it's me trying to tell you that that if your H were truly your soulmate, you wouldn't be here now. Maybe there's no such thing as soulmates at all and we convince ourselves there is to feel closer to our spouses. Or maybe they are real and we just haven't met them yet..IDK.
It takes time (and considerable effort) to really detach... to consciously decide that you can't/won't feel the same amount of pain. It WILL be painful, but try your best to dull it down to a manageable level.
Keep on keeping on and you'll get there ok.
NOW...ENJOY YOUR BIRTHDAY!!
Barry.
According to my h I was his soul mate, but yet his ow is also his soul mate.
It seemingly a way to justify in a socially acceptable way what they do.
Just move on, put it behind you. Let it go.
It does get better last year on my birthday I had the ow thrust in my face, I vomited and cryed not this year, no way. Not even close.
Hapy Birthday Little, it's YOUR day. Don't hand it over to XBF.
If I can chime in on soulmates, I believe we have them, I just don't believe that there's only one. I try to look at things big picture; if W isn't my soulmate, that's just one person. There are many others out there who would gladly take the job. Same goes for you, Little.
Hi little
How's it been? Any cake in tissue for me
So, on the soulmate thing...
I read a novel a few months ago about the reincarnation of Anne Boleyn (2nd wife of Henry VIII, who he beheaded) and it talked about the soul family as being a group of people who were accustomed to one another and kept encountering one another in different arrangements in order to work out their failings with one another over and over again. It wasn't about the ease and quality of the relationship so much as it was about the lessons each party drew from it. In the novel, Anne actually had two love interest soul mates -- Henry VIII and also Henry Percy (this is a well-known part of her history).
It's worth repeating that Henry VIII has Anne BEHEADED... and she goes on in her next life to fall in love with him all over again.
I tell you about this novel to suggest that, as Rzrback said, even if your XBF was your soul mate (which you can't really know), that doesn't mean you can't know love from one of your other soul family members.
And also, if he was your soul mate, you were meant to learn something from this experience, to strengthen and improve you.
And look at the bright side -- he didn't behead you!!!
Laugh today, and happy belated birthday, Little.
Happy Belated Birthday, Little. ((()))
I agree with Maybell's post. I feel like soul mates are people that we connect with on levels that other relationships just can't match. That doesn't mean they're upstanding people every time we encounter them.
Yesterday I stayed in bed until 2pm and then went out to my second mom's house for some cake and food. We made naughty/adult cat toys for my herd (of three) with her sewing machine and a big ole bag of cat nip. I'm talking a pink felt penis stuffed with it, with feathers for the body hair. It was a ton of fun and there was lots of laughing.
I don't know where I am in this journey of mine. I'm just trying to float to shore and sometimes I get sucked back into the deep water.
Le sigh.
Doing some thinking today about how I loved xBF, but didn't feel cherished or taken care of by him.
He sort of put me in the position of having to be a mother figure (due to his complete lack of responsibility) while simultaneously being bitter about it, as though it were intentional on my part.
Next time around, I'm going to find someone that puts as much care into ME as I put into them.
Hi Little, nice to hear from you. Just a couple of comments from me on your post above...
What were your responsibilities here? You sound as though this was all 'done' to you -
he "put me in the position of having to be..." "due to his complete lack of responsibility"
Did you have to become 'mother?' You say it happened unintentionally....
I have read some stuff on other sitches and this resonates with them...Labug is one I think. This theme about how much responsibility you take on 'for' others. I think this is yours to own, but from your post above I think you're pushing that on to H. Yes, he may have had a part in this, but what was your part?
You also say he became bitter about it. So, what did becoming 'Mum' to him do for the dynamics of your R?
I hope this is useful, and I'm not trying to poke at you, only to help. I think there was a lot in those few sentences to maybe ponder some more over.
Hope you are still enjoying your new place, and reading some great books...:-)
Little, it's been so long. What's up? How are you feeling?
Yes, I have been wondering about you, too! What's up Little?