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Posted By: Love2Surf My DB sucess story. - 01/13/15 06:54 PM
I see people frequently ask about DB success story's, so I thought, I'll share mine. The forum really helped me years ago when I needed it. I never posted, I just read and read and read. This is my first post.

In March of 2010 I was married with two young daughters, a great home on the beach, a very successful career, and from the outside looking in, had the perfect life. I had been married for about 15 years, I was 40, my wife was 38. Like most couples we had our share of ups and downs, but, in my eyes, things seemed good.

On March 7th 2010, things took a dramatic turn. I discovered (not important how) my wife had a one night stand with a ski instructor in Colorado while on a ski trip with friends. I confronted my wife, she admitted to it and promptly said she wanted a divorce. She said all of the typical things a WAW will say, ILYBNILWY, I've been unhappy for years, I want passion, ect. I was stunned. I never saw it coming.

After the initial shock, a friend recommended DB. I bought the book, did several phone counseling sessions and became a frequent visitor here. Like most people I made mistakes along the way with anger and expectations. During the process a 2nd OM appeared making it even tougher. The one thing I did and did well was GAL. I figured out really early that the more I did for myself the happier I was, the better father I was, the better employee I was. If I got nothing else from DB it was to go live my life and control what I can control. When things got really bad, I did more for myself and kids and withdrew further from her. I let her marinate in her own emotions, actions and consequences. I was becoming more the person I wanted to be and she was becoming less of the person she wanted to be.

I used DB as a framework, i didn't follow all of it to a tee, I used what worked for me, but also followed my own path.

After about a year of DBing and more importantly, GALing. I woke up one day and realized, my daughters and I deserved better. I filed for divorce. It was the most liberating day of my life. My WAW, was stunned, never saw it coming. For me it became about self respect and self worth. I had been cheated on, lied to, stolen from (she pilfered about $80k during that year)betrayed and mistreated to the point that I had become a WAH. I had boundaries, she broke them, and knew there were no consequences, she knew I wasn't leaving, she knew she was in the driver's seat, she knew she was the one to make the choice and not me, until that day. The day I left fear behind.

After an ugly 8 month and incredibly expensive battle we divorced in 2012. We split custody of the kids 50-50. You've read this far and I'm guessing your asking where is the success story?

Success comes in many forms, I've lived a charm life, things always came easy to me and always went my way (one of WAW's biggest complaints) This was the first real crisis in my life, lucky right? While DBing didn't save my marriage it did in a way save me. I am a much better parent today than I was in 2010, I know my kids so much better than I ever would have. I quit my job and started my own successful tech company ( we have 50+ employees now including my 8&10 yr old daughters). I'm in the best shape of my life physically and mentally. I have a good co-parenting relationship with the ex. I have a fun and busy social life. My kids are happy, I am happy.

The point of DBing to me was really about me and my kids being happy. The relationship wasn't worth saving in my case, DBing helped me figure that out on my terms. My family, friends, colleagues, and even my XW would agree that I am a much better version of myself today. My XW has struggled since the D ( I get no satisfaction from that btw). She frequently say's that she thought she would be the one who thrived. Every few months she will email or call and tell me how she regrets her actions, I listen and validate. I hate that it came down to divorce, that we couldn't fix what was wrong in our relationship, she was the love of my life, but life goes on and can be great again for you and your kids.

Surf
Posted By: 2thepoint Re: My DB sucess story. - 01/15/15 02:59 AM
Originally Posted By: Love2Surf

Surf


Says it all right there!!
Posted By: Maybell Re: My DB sucess story. - 01/15/15 03:32 AM
Surf, thanks very much for sharing. It is good to hear that things can be good from the other side.
Posted By: MCS Re: My DB sucess story. - 01/15/15 03:45 AM
Surf,

Reading your post, it is me to a T. Successful, driven, perfect marriage from the outside, W's A.

This post is reassurance because I tell people that regardless of the outcome, I am going to be happy with my life. I was happy before, and will be again with or without my wife. Sadly, I do feel that the same outcome for my W may be looming. I was just saying yesterday, I hope she grows out of it especially so she could be a better mom for our kids from this experience. However, From my view in our sitch, I see her unhappy with her decisions and all of the compromises in her character that she is making; choosing to chase this fantasy with someone that doesn't even want a real R with her. All she needs to do is turn back to the people that love her and we would all help her. That's my problem right now. I still love her and keep trying to figure out ways to rescue her, but I'm starting to come to acceptance that I can't do that.

Did you feel the same way? If so, how did you manage to separate yourself from her enough that you filed?
Posted By: Mozza Re: My DB sucess story. - 01/15/15 04:17 AM
Thanks for sharing, Love2Surf. I'll add a link to this page in my list of success stories in the "Letting Go" section.

It is scary how we can suddenly turn around. Some WAS seem to think that they have all the time in the world, until that happens. That's why those who want to reconcile should detach quickly and send the signal that they are moving on, before they really don't want back into the M.
Posted By: Love2Surf Re: My DB sucess story. - 01/15/15 04:33 AM
MCS,

I just read thru your story and you are right, it is eerily similar. I'm sorry you're going thru this, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

To answer your questions, like you I thought she needed rescuing. Then I realized, she didn't want to be rescued not by me anyway. Once I accepted that, I focused on rescuing me and my children.

At the start of the DBing, I knew there were 3 potential outcomes. 1. We would reconcile. 2. She would continued her behavior and bail. 3.I would get tired of trying and waiting and bail.

For me it was the third option. I felt I had taken all the reasonable steps I could and she continued to do what she was doing with little to no regard for me or our family. I had detached to the point that I had clarity, without the same emotional intensity I had during most of the situation. I wasn't going to live in an open marriage and I wasn't going to continue the fight for something that was unhealthy to me and my daughters. Once I made the decision, I moved with the sole purpose of doing what was best for me and my daughters.

Best advice I can give you is, focus on you and your children. If you do that, you'll be in good shape no matter which way things end up.
Posted By: Cadet Re: My DB sucess story. - 01/15/15 03:33 PM
Originally Posted By: Love2Surf
Best advice I can give you is, focus on you and your children. If you do that, you'll be in good shape no matter which way things end up.


GREAT ADVICE!
Posted By: Ahoy Re: My DB sucess story. - 01/15/15 03:53 PM
I so needed to hear this today! I'm in the place where you were, and have initiated the dissolution process, which I think surprised my cheating H. But I am truly done, and eager to move on and thrive in a new life. Your story inspires me to keep on my path, and I'm looking forward to leaving my present snowy climes to be back in my hometown -- and back on my surfboard too, since it's warm there and right on the water. For anyone who loves surfing and needs ideas about detachment and dealing with life, I highly recommend the book "Saltwater Buddha."
Posted By: Love2Surf Re: My DB sucess story. - 01/16/15 04:55 PM
Ahoy, I wish you the best of luck. You got this! Grab your board and jump in the water, it clears the mind, body and soul!
Posted By: MCS Re: My DB sucess story. - 01/21/15 05:41 AM
Surf,

Thanks for the follow up like most, I too feel like we have those same three options. It's such a crazy journey in that I'm starting to see the changes that she would need to make in order to reconcile, and frankly that seems like the option farthest away, but that's where faith comes into play.

I'm glad that it's working out for you and like you, I tell people that I hope that my W finds what she is chasing right now whether it's with me, someone else, or by herself because I care about her and the kids regardless and everyone benefits if both her and I thrive in whatever our new lives would look like.

Thanks for posting, it made me feel a lot better.
Posted By: Karma12 Re: My DB sucess story. - 01/21/15 06:11 AM
Great post Surf and great timing for me. I am walking your path right now. Sometimes we have to just let go......
Posted By: susana4 Re: My DB sucess story. - 01/21/15 11:57 AM
Thanks so much for sharing, Love2surf. As a newcomer I've enjoyed reading success stories, it makes me feel hopeful - and I especially appreciated your story because it's good to know that even if things don't work out in the marriage, DB is *still* worthwhile in terms of improving your life. The last month and a half has been one of the most horrible periods of my life, and there have been so many times when I felt like it will never get better. I seemed to be spiralling downwards until I read DR last month. I'm still really new so I'm still learning the techniques, and while I feel a lot better than I did last month, there's a scared part of me that worries 'what if it doesn't work.' So it's really refreshing and uplifting to hear your story and know that even if it doesn't work in terms of the relationship, that doesn't mean it won't help me live a happier life! Thank you!
Posted By: HPoirot Re: My DB sucess story. - 01/21/15 01:51 PM
Hello Surf. Thank you so much for posting your success story. Very inspirational to me as I'm learning to let my M go. One question... did you detach/let go of your M very long before you decided to D?

Thank you again and best to you and yours .
Posted By: Andy125 Re: My DB sucess story. - 01/21/15 03:53 PM
thanks Surf... couldn't have come at a better time. I believe this answers some of the question I have been asking myself.
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