Hi,
I am new to the forums but have done a lot of reading before my first post. I have read DB and DR is on the way and on Sunday 12/28, I threw my ambivalent wife out of the house for 3 days to actively work on her ambivalence. While away, she did a lot of writing and shared with me her thoughts and feelings. She is really conflicted about how she feels about me and herself following an EA. All of her writing would have had me betting my life savings that she was going to walk out. However, she has decided to work on things but favors a controlled seperation. That being said, she exchanged text messages with a known go between who has been the topic of a couple of arguments. She has agreed to stop talking to her and let me know when she reaches out. She exchanged several messages with her yesteday and has said nothing to me.
What do I do? I don't want the confrontation over the texts to send her back into ambivalence or worse.
Welcome.
If you could provide some more background information.
How long you have been married, kids, what led up to this, etc.
I'm glad you have read DB.
If you haven't read Sandi2's rules.
Sandi2's Rules
Welcome aboard. The more information about your marital history the better we might help. What were the problems leading up to the EA?
I definitely need to work on Sandi2's rules.
We have been married for 11.5 years. Been together for 20. High school sweet hearts. We have three kids 8, 7 and 2. After the 2 year old, my wife became a stay at home mom and we both basically moved into "roommate mode". All we talked about was the kids, the house, etc. I also travel a fair amount for work and pushed all domestic issues on to my wife. Sex was a point of contention. She would use sex to make me happy, then feel bad about herself for doing so. In July, we closed her business(which she was barely involved in after the 2 year old) and she went back to school. While back at school, she met a guy and started an emotional affair that has only recently ended. Her ambivalence and focus on ending the marriage and my reaction to it, despite deciding to try to make things work has driven a bigger wedge between us.
Trying to reply for the third time.
I have been with my wife for 20 years. Married for 11.5. We were high school sweet hearts. We only split up for a few months in that whole time when I first went away to college. We have 3 kids 8(S) 7(D) and 2(S). I am pretty sure that the majority of our issues started right around the time my 2nd son was born. I took a new job that had me traveling fairly frequently and my wife became a stay at home mom and was no longer active in the business that she owned and operated. After 2 years(this past July), we closed the business and my wife went back to school. While at school, I stopped traveling for a few months and in hindsight I believe I became depressed. My wife began to only focus on her schooling at the expense of our relationship(already non existent) but more importantly our 3 kids. While at school, she began an emotional affair with a classmate. A career loser who trades sex charged comments with porn stars on social media and lives at home with his parents at almost 40.(I know not helpful but it helps to vent). I also think I was witness to the turn from friends to affair partners based on my observation of her email and facebook accounts.
After the affair was exposed, the intense lying began. She would create elaborate lies involving multiple people including our babysitter in order to hide her interactions with the OM. We have been through 4 strikes of her not communicating with him. Each time the severity of the contact becoming less and less. Going from planned meetings to texts through other people. I believe that the contact has stopped as of early December but I have my doubts. She has spent the last month or more in complete ambivalence with all actions and words pointing towards being a walk away wife. On 12/28 she told me she cant work on her ambivalence without focus time to think. The kids and her created distractions weren't allowing her time to think. So I threw her out for 3 days. During that soul searching she determined that she doesn't think she wants to end our marriage but doesn't know what she feels or what she wants to feel. She did, however, say that she wants to try and make things work but is in favor of a controlled seperation. She says she hates herself and can't forgive herself for not trying to work on our marriage when she knew it was in trouble and for the whole EA and the baggage that comes along with it.
Her words and actions since then are still very much like I would expect from someone who is planning her departure. She is using me to finish her schooling so she can support herself.
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Had a decent day yesterday. If it weren't for the awkward "what should I do or what should I say" feelings it would have been good. Still waiting for my posts from a few days ago to pop up so I can get some advice. Any advice on having the will power to stick to Sandi2's Rules?
Should I continue to "detach" when we are trying to make things work?
Should I continue to "detach" when we are trying to make things work?
How do you know this?
What ACTIONS tell you this?
Maybe she should be on her own and find away to support herself through school so she can "find herself." She will likely find that life is a lot more difficult on her own, and it might clear her fog sooner. From your post, I don't really see her "trying to make things work." I see her using you for her own ends. She likely doesn't want to be with you (for whatever reason she's concocted), but she's afraid to lose your support. If you withdraw that support, it would be a wake up call to her that she might actually lose you. Definitely detach, either way. Focus on what you want for the long term, and recognize that your W has become a different person. It will take a while for you to see her for the new person that she's become. You may want to work through your issues with this new person, and you may find that, in time, you are willing to release her to pursue her own path and find peace for yourself elsewhere. Best of luck.
Cadet,
Very Good Question. I guess I don't know it for sure. The only thing I have is her words and a slightly better "energy" at home. She has agreed to go back to couples counseling. We went for a few weeks in November and December but her ambivalence and lying to the therapist made it a useless exercise.
Like Ahoy said, her actions certainly don't match her words. They don't really contradict them either. She's just there. Not making things worse and not making things better. The only time we talk about our situation is when I bring it up, but I am done bringing it up.