Old Thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2506891#Post2506891Thought I would start a new thread. Seems like I'm starting a new part of my life.
I'm confused, angry, sad, all gauntlet of emotions. Wife still wants to have Christmas together like a happy family. Meanwhile she takes the kids without my knowing where they are for 4 days. Then on the night of the oldest D Christmas concert she send me a text that I will be getting divorce papers.
How I am supposed to play happy for Christmas. I need space. I want to tell her that we can have separate Christmas's but not sure what is best. Right now I don't want to see her, talk to her or be even anywhere close to her.
Sorry Zed.
The whole thing [censored].
I'd take a day or two to think about it and then go from there.
Take care of yourself.
So laying in be not getting any sleep trying to make sense of this all. But it really doesn't make much sense.
I have done tonnes of reflection and I think I have realized my faults
- avoided conflict (always thought it was easier to turn other cheek
- Avoided anything emotional. Kept my feelings inside and thus wise didn't like to talk about them
- Worked to much. Felt like I needed to provided for family instead of actually being there for family
- Did not tell her she was pretty or how much I appreciated her. I always felt it was assumed. Her LL was words of affermation
- Ignored/brushed off clues. STBXW would be sad and said we had to work on marriage. I would just take it as she was having a bad day. It seemed like she would always feel better after a couple days
There are many others that I can think of. But is this enough to call it quits and give up. Especially with children involved?
I know I wasn't the best husband. But I do hope that I was a good one.
- I provided for family. She never had to work and we never had any money problems
- When I wasn't working I tried to give undivided attention to family
- I did not cheat on her, beat her, belittle her or call her down ever.
- I was a good dad STBXW even said so.
So I don't know if this is right and I might be blaming but maybe it wasn't me. W had problems with depression. Even before I met her she battled bulimia. She always had to be looking forward to something to be happy. Like a trip or building a new house.
I feel like she could never be happy for herself. I once asked her what she was sorry for in the marriage. Her first 2 answer's were not being happy and being angry. Isn't that for her not for me. I was sorry for not doing things for her. But she is sorry for not being/doing something that should come from within.
When this all started she got into Angels and self healing. She really started to dig into this way of thinking. I feel, know that she started to feel happier. Thus I was the one that mad her unhappy. She really felt that I made her unhappy so she convinced herself that this had to end.
I really hope this is not the truth. B/c then the only way I see it is that in a couple years she will see that she still is not happy in life. I really want her to be happy. But always hoped it would be with me.
It makes me sad and angry. That right now she has so much hate for me. And want to hurt me. She told me she took her wedding rings off the day I told her I did not want to move out of the house and that I wanted 50/50 with the kids. Isn't that kind of a temper tantrum. I mean isn't 50/50 and not voluntary moving out the house something sane people would do. Why did she think that that was so bad?
I think I know. She felt/ convinced herself that I hurt her and this was one more way I was hurting her or letting her down.
She also said I never had her back. That I was stubborn and always argued with her. Maybe I did. But did she not want me to have an opinion. MIL told her she should go on meds for depression a couple years ago. She did not want to. I had her back then and tried to help her. But maybe that is what it was. I offered a solution, maybe going back to work (so she could get a sense of accomplishment and see people), seeing a shrink. Instead of just listening to her.
So where do I go from hear. She is so mad. Any little thing about child care, splitting assets etc turns bad. As she says I am being difficult. I can't see this getting any better. She will keep getting more angry with me. And I am at the end of my rope. I feel like I keep giving 1" and she try's to take 2".
I really feel like I can't be any where around her right now as I have so much anger myself. For how this will hurt the kids. That I feel this should never happened. How do I do what should be best for the kids and still deal with this.
Do I give her the family Christmas. Especailly 1 week after she sent me divorce papers, took the kids out of the house and away from me. If I don't she will say that I am being selfish and not doing what is best for the kids.
I got to find some goals. To get me moving. Right now the only goal I feel I have is getting the kids 50/50. But that is sort of out of my hands and in the hands of the courts.
So maybe lets try this
- Continue to be the best dad I can be
- Work on communication. Most of the time I say something other than I really mean
- Be a good friend and neighbor, I feel I was self involved and never really took notice of what was going on with other people and friends
- Try to release W from my anger. I don't want to be mad at her. But I just am right now.
I will try to keep thinking of stuff. So much going on in my head right now. Just hard to make sense of it all
Zed, so sorry about the papers. Try to do something nice for yourself today. A workout, a visit to the coffee shop, something to treat yourself kindly. There's time to set goals tomorrow; for today, let it all go, and be nice to yourself.
Sorry you are in this place. My XH signed our papers yesterday and I am really feeling the brunt of it, so I totally empathize with you. Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way.
Zed,
How did today go (aside from the obvious "it was shi*tty"?
Zed,
I'm sorry for the pain in discovering that the D papers were served.
Next goal is to STFU and work closely with your L to fight for 50-50. Be prepared for W coming right at you from her foxhole. Put on your helmet and body armor. You must clearly spell out your bottom line to your L so s/he has a clear plan.
What is your bottom line?
Feeling a bit better about my situation today. Read something that helped me and wanted to share. Thanks and good luck to all of you. Fighting to save your marriage is hard and sometimes can be un-rewarding. But after all it is the right thing to do isn't it
[/quote]
But life doesn’t have to end in the middle of it. It’s possible to laugh, dance and celebrate all the goodness of this life, even knowing it could change tomorrow.
Maybe especially then.
For me, I’ve decided this: I will not put my joy on hold. I will not wait for the phone to ring before I decide to laugh and dance. It’s a cost I’m not willing to pay. Instead, I choose to live.
If you’re hovering in a not-knowing space, I’m with you in it. If you’re not, you will be, soon enough (sorry to disappoint you). So what do you do when you get there? How do you keep living when your world has stopped?
Tell yourself the truth. Fear thrives on three lies: (1) I am alone, (2) I am powerless, (3) I am without hope. In the absence of answers, fear fills in the gaps. Instead, tell yourself the truth: You are never alone. God’s power thrives in impossible situations. And there is always, always hope.
Don’t get ahead of the calendar. This is a tough one for me. Somehow I think by worrying I can wield control. As if anticipating what might come next week or next year will help me cope with it once it happens. This is a lie. Worrying about tomorrow only serves to rob you of today. Instead, take each day as it comes. No less, no more.
Take stock of all the goodness. Even in the not-knowing, there is good to be found. The smile of a friend. The kindness of a family member. The warmth of the sun. The touch of a hand. The world may be collapsing around you, but beauty is hidden in the rubble. Reach for it, like treasure. Then, write it down. The person anchored in upheaval is the one determined to dig up the gold.
Allow yourself to be loved. Did you read that? It’s okay to lean on someone else in your not-knowing place. It’s okay to say, “I’m weary,” “I’m scared,” or “I don’t know what to do.” Say it outloud. Write a blog post. Allow someone who loves you to hear the truth of your heart. Only then is the burden shared. Only then does the waiting place become a haven of relationship.[quote]
Wonka. Bottom line is kids, kids, kids. I would give up everything for more time with them. Going hard for 50/50. I have my boss's support. I would not have to work on my days. Both my boss's say they will wright a letter to say that they are willing to work with any schedule I need to allow me to do 50/50.
Thanks everyone for your support. Not sure how this will turn out in the end. But I am going down fighting so that hopefully our kids will have the family they deserve.
Also talked with DB coach the other day. She helped. I have decided that there is no happy family Christmas this year. I will have them either Christmas eve or christmas and she will have them the other day.
I have lots of GAL activities planned for my Christmas break with and with-out kids.
Planning on taking the kids down-hill skiing, starting a new Christmas tradition, seeing family and friends I haven't seen for a long time b/c "she never wanted to".
I loved the quote that you shared. How fitting.
This year is a great time to start new traditions and see family members. lean into the unknown. Embrace it (I know one wants to embrace D).
Have a good holiday, and then be prepared to fight for what you want.
Loved the quote! Thanks for sharing.
Zed, just stopped by to read your sitch. Great quote and good for you making plans. Have a good holiday.
Zed, sounds like you got your SH*T together.... Way to go!!!! Its all about the kiddos. I pray that God gives me the strength you have in just your pinky finger...LOL
Have an awesome and bless Christmas with your kids.
Ile Guy. Thanks. But I still don't believe I got my sht together. Just having a couple better days. Wake up. Try to pump myself up and say I am a good person etc. Every time start thinking of wife. Make a conscious effort to try to think of something else.
And trying the best to FAKE IT TILL I MAKE IT. I had this happen before though when I felt good for a couple days then something happens and everything comes crashing down.
Thanks everyone for stopping in. For some reason it really helps with PMA.
Watch the most annoying slapstick comedy or something like it when you're down. I've got the hangover III on my DVR just ready for an evening when I need my mind to shut it down.
Perhaps look for a daily affirmations app on your phone. You can revisit when you feel your thoughts drift to W. Or the old rubber band on the wrist snap trick. :-)
Or, and this is a totally chick thing to do, but make yourself a positive mindset playlist. Or an angry as [censored] playlist.
For a few weeks after BD I was listening to nothing but Alanis Morissette and Hole, on repeat for days on end. At one point, I felt (jokingly) that Courtney L I've was my spirit animal, minus the drugs, dead husband and her affinity for not wearing panties and flashing her vagina.
Music can help your mindset, might be worth a try.
It's going to be tough, especially the next weeks. But you will get through it.
Well that was fun. Prior to Christmas. W would not agree to any parenting plan for the holidays. I would suggest something. She would just say she did not agree with it and not give back any suggestions for changes. I ended up having the kids the 3 days before Christmas b/c my parents were out and Christmas eve. So I let the W have the kids Christmas day. I proposed that I was to have them the 26 and 27th then I would let her have them for 3-4 days after that. Did not get any reply except. I agree with Christmas and Christmas eve. When she came to the house to make the switch Christmas eve. I calmly said I was not leaving until we have a written agreement in place for the days each parent would have the kids on the holidays and that I would get the kids for next Christmas day.
Que the spew. "leave the house now", "I am not talking to you dumb SOB", etc. I kept calm and said I am not leaving until I know for a fact that the kids will be here when I return on the 26th. She calls her parents and her mother and Brother show up. Her mother starts into me about how everthing I am doing is bad for the kids, how Im trying to manipulate W etc.
I start to go through the Christmas parenting plan with W brother as W sits in living room seething. Not even offering any input to days etc. I ended up taking a couple less days that I thought I should have. Too many people pushing on me a gave in a little.
I then left to visit a few buddies for a couple days. Had some good fun. Skidooing in the mountains, snow boarding, and visiting with friends I haven't seen for a couple years. All was really good and had a great time. They were really accomidating and really seemed like they cared for me. I told them of the gong show that was Christmas eve and gave me something to really think about. This was that there should be no way that her parents or any of her family should be actively involved in our situation.
I drafted up an email and sent it to W, her parents, and her brother stating that it was unacceptable to be actively involved in this situation. If you want to give W support that is fine. But there is to be no more contact with me about anything about this situation. I then said if there is. There will be no choice to do everything through the lawyers. I also clarified a lot of information that W's mother was on me about that she did not have the right facts. ie. She said I wanted to have kids new years eve and that was a holiday so W should have extra day. Not so. W mentioned to me in mediation a month ago that she wanted to go out for new years so I took the kids. I just could not think fast enough when everyone was jumping on me the night of Christmas eve.
I guess the plus side in all of this is that all the W's hate spew has really helped me detach. There is no way that I could see myself with this woman right now. My one buddy thinks she has completely lost her marbles.
Also I got kids back today. Came into house. Was greeted by 3 happy kids yelling Daddy's home, Daddy's home. They were all pulling my arm 3 different ways trying to show me or tell me something. W left house without saying anything to me. 3 days with the kids now. I love those little buggers. Then after new year start to protect myself financially. Add limits to all supplemental credit cards, take off her signing authority for my company. Change all passwords for internet banking. Cleared all this with L prior to Christmas to make sure I could do it. Was hoping I didn't. But W is totally crazy at the moment I think it has to be done
Hi zed. That sounds pretty rough and it's not fair for her to do that. You might want to consider an option though that if she is unable to speak with you that she nominated someone to speak (and agree) on her behalf - like her brother. Its a middle ground short of lawyers
You MUST protect yourself financially though. ASAP.
Not feeling like I have been doing a lot of DB lately. Been trying to stay away from the board as it tends to get me down. I no longer have much hope that W or STBXW will change her mind. Or maybe it is that I no longer hope for me, but I still feel an overwhelming sadness for the kids as I always hoped they would have a "perfect" family.
Not too sure if I even love my W that much anymore. After the spew and the stuff that has happened over the last couple months it has slowly taken its toll. I still feel like if she did turn around I would give it the best try for the kids. But there would be no expectations.
I guess all I am working on is the healing. Trying to be the person that I want to be. One that is genuine, caring, loving, loyal and just good to everyone. And that my kids, friends, and hopefully someday someone special will see that. This is all that I think I can do right now.
Its been a long time since I last posted. Needed to get away for awhile. Things still aren't where I would optimally be. STBXW doesn't show any signs of ever wanting to get back to together. And I have no expectations that will ever happen.
The Lawyer costs are adding up and it looks like I will have to go to court to try to get the kids 50/50.
Plus side. I don't think about her much anymore. I have been spending a great deal of time with friends and enjoying it. I do get really lonely and sad from time to time but it is getting less and less.
One of the reasons that I was scared and I was holding on to the marriage was that I thought I was "damaged goods" Who would want a 35 year old guy with 3 kids. Turns out quite a bit. I have lots of friends trying to set me up with other women. I have been out with friends and have been hit on by good looking younger women. I am not ready for anything yet. But it does sure help with the confidence.
In the last month I have done several things to keep my mind off things. I went to a friends wedding in Mexico where I went bungy jumping, deep sea fishing (caught a 7 ft marlin), went jet skiing in 10 ft waves in the ocean and spent lots of time just catching up with old friends.
So things are not great but are getting better. I am still treating my STBXW with love and respect(not getting much in return). But I am not caving into anything. I do what I think is best for me and for the kids.