Looks like I'm on my 4th thread now
1st Thread -
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2465749&page=1I was devastated, lost, and doing all the wrong things. Still painfully attached.
2nd Thread -
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...578#Post2470578Continuing to Detach. Confronting my WAW about the OM and getting confirmation of the Affair. Getting served by her, Moving to a new state
3rd Thread -
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2516129&page=1Getting my a new place, finding myself, detaching, getting the court case moved to Tx, me serving her, WAW runs out of money "Has feelings for me", me standing my ground.
And now, today we have a proposed settlement that is agreeable to both of us. It is getting drawn up by the lawyers hopefully to get all signed and submitted next week. My legal marriage is almost over, but my life is not.
Sandi2: in the last thread you mentioned that my WAW (STBX) wanting to be friends may have an emotional toll.
You are completely right. I want to be friendly, but I find that when we are too nice to each other, hang out too much that I feel the draw, the emotional connection.
Frankly it hurts. I told her a week or so ago that I wanted to keep space between us. That I needed boundaries so I can move on, and that is what I want.
Journaling
As the end of my marriage comes close, the feelings that I had processed through earlier in my GAL activities are rushing to the forefront again.
The grief, the sadness, the sense of loss. The mourning of the loss of my relationship. The hopes and dreams that I had for years.
I guess this is normal. I hope this is, and I know it will pass. Or at least I hope it will.
The grief, the sadness, the sense of loss. The mourning of the loss of my relationship. The hopes and dreams that I had for years.
I guess this is normal. I hope this is, and I know it will pass. Or at least I hope it will.
BigMac, of course it's normal. You've lost something that meant a great deal to you. It will pass, eventually. I think sometimes we are in such a hurry to feel better that we want to rush the grieving process. It takes a while. Hugs to you today.
Thanks. I'm busy going through the ups and downs and playing the waiting game of paperwork.
BTW, if it was as hard to get married as it is to get divorced, I think the world would be a better place.
Hey Big Mac, care to update us? I hope you're well.
Update for everyone
Dec 8 my STBX and I worked out what we wanted for terms of our divorce. Roughly around that time my lawyer became super unavailable, it took until early January for her to finally get back to me with a completed final decree of divorce that was reasonably accurate (it amazes me how lawyers can get so much wrong even when you give them clear directions).
It took me a week or so to get the courage up to give it a final review. I was a afraid of the emotions that would sweep over me. When I finally built up the courage to review it, it was just all business.
I finished my review, and sent it off to my STBX and her lawyer. It took some time for her to do a cursory review, and then a week or so later she did a full review.
At this point, we are both waiting on her lawyer to review, and approve. (At least that is what she says)
The next step will be her and her lawyer signing the decree, and then I have to go to the court house and answer 5 questions on the record. At that point the judge says that my STBX and I are divorced verbally in court. Once the judge states it, we are divorced.
Other things that have happened - My D16 (step daughter) is being shipped back to live with her grandparents, the STBX is having problems keeping her in school. This is yet another casualty of the demise of our marriage.
I used to get all torn up about it, but now I just accept that it is out of my control. It's a tragedy, but I tried my best. There is literally nothing else I can do. It [censored] that this little girl, who I raised since she was 1 1/2 is now is dropping out of school. Her life has gone from decent, to utter crap.
D9 is existing, he has some emotional ups and downs but seems to be handling things as best he can.
STBX and I have our weekly co-parenting meetings. We go over our co-parenting meeting checklist, and do our best to ensure that D9 is properly raised. We have been trading days watching him as necessary (we are 50/50 custody). Sometimes I feel frustrated / resentful of her still, but for the most part we just work to ensure D9 has the best life that he can in this F'd up world that we've created for him.
On her end, from what I hear her relationship with the OM has been deteriorating. She's talking crap about him to friends, and dating other men to make him jealous.
I'm doing my best to stay out of the craziness, and focus on moving on with my life. It's hard sometimes, but that's just what you have to do.
Hey BigMac
Sorry to hear about your situation especially as it effects the kids so much. That's sh!t. Like you say, its out of your control. I have to accept my situation is also out of my control. Hard as my pride and ego get in the way. Mr Bond has been schooling me to drop them. I've got all this to come somewhere down the line. Not nice but I have to remember this was not my choice.
Interesting about your wife and OM failing. Why do they never see this? Quick google on "affairs lasting" tells you the odds are highly stacked against success. hey ho. what can you do. Take care of yourself and your kids, everything happens for a reason.
It's good to hear from you, Big Mac. So sorry about the SD16. I know that must be tough. I hope her grandparents can help her.
Re: kids -
They are the ones that really pay the price in failed marriages. I can go on with life jaded, but they are basically scarred for life. SD16 stopped going to school, hopefully being at her grandparents will give her the stability she needs, but now she is going to spend the last 1.5 years of high school still far from her friends growing up, in a ghetto school, being a burden on her grandparents.
S9 is younger, and therefore more "resilient" but still he hurts. He bounces between homes week on week off. He will have to see both of us dating other people eventually (thankfully STBX didn't intro the OM before it blew up).
Re: OM -
I don't have as much information about this (I do my best to stay as detached as possible).
There is a pattern, where when they are broken up (or I infer they are) she basically contacts me lots more. When she is getting validation from him she couldn't give me the light of day.
What I know (I was actually told this by a mutual friend today) Is that apparently they are on the outs (I had figured as much, since she was reaching out to me via txt on random stuff). She is talking crap about him now (interestingly, in my reading about Narcissistic women, they go through an adoration, and then devaluation phases).
She went on a date with some "douchebag salesperson" I was told to make the OM jealous.
So, she's playing games with the OM, living in her Drama Triangle. Lost her daughter, and is about to get a massive check from me (just over 1/2 my assets). I'm sure she'll try to buy his love again.. but you can't fix crazy.
I'm washing my hands of this crap. I can't speak for everyone's WAW, but life is better for me just moving on.
Update
In four hours my STBX should be at her lawyers office to sign paperwork. It's been a wild ride...
BigMac, I'm sorry the way this has all turned out for you, especially for your kids. But you are right to cut yourself free, you don't need the drama. Maybe someday your XW will pull herself out of the crazies. Maybe not. Wishing you all the best.
BigMac - Thanks for the updates. You seem strong, thankfully in such turbulent times. I'm sure there's much brewing below the surface. We're supporting you.
Thanks guys,
Got the call from STBX at 4 or so today. She had a couple questions about the paperwork, should be a quick edit and review. And since I will be out of town, she will get the court date to answer the 5 questions in court..... get this.....
On our 12 anniversary...
I wish I could make this stuff up.
I'm divorced. It happened on our 12 anniversary. Now that is over, life goes on.
Thanks for all the support everyone.
Aouch, I'm really sorry for the timing...
How do you feel about it? Are you okay? What's the plan for you now?
So, she did bring up the possibility of reconciling at he last min. I told her that it was best we got divorced.
I made the decision that was best for me in the long run. I'll always have love for her, but I am long over pining over her.
The last week has been a bit weird, I spent the weekend on the couch, just relaxing. I guess I may be slightly depressed, or maybe just moving on..... I'm not really sure.
But now I'm just marching forward picking up the pieces of my life. Continuing to rebuild myself, my son, and my life.
Good luck going forward. Sounds like you have a level head about this. You'll have down days, but you know you did the right thing. Hang in there and keep us posted.
So, she did bring up the possibility of reconciling at he last min. I told her that it was best we got divorced. I made the decision that was best for me in the long run. I'll always have love for her, but I am long over pining over her.
That's a biggie. If you don't mind, I'll put you under my list of success stories in the section "Let go". I think it's admirable that you've been given the options and have made a choice that you feel is best for you. I think this is what all of us aim at in the end, once we're put in the position of the LBS.
Would you care to expand a little on how your WAW brought up the possibility of R at the last minute? At what moment was it exactly? How did she bring it up? Was it clear or was it implied? Was it a surprise for you and was it hard to give her an answer? In fact, what made you decide to decline her offer?
DBing is also about saving ourselves and I find it very interesting when people move into the space where they rebuild their life, in piecing or not, so I hope you'll come back here every now and then, perhaps monthly, to give us some sort of update. A lot of newcomers would benefit from it, to see another option that opens to them.
I don't mind at all Moza.
She kept hinting around it over the last 2 months of the process. And then about 30 minutes before she had to go to the courthouse she brought up the fact that she had been thinking about reconciliation over the past couple months.
I nipped it in the but and told her that it was best that we are divorced.
I declined my offer based on realizing that she has lots of issues to deal with (just like I have). I've been working on those issues for this past year. I've made myself into a better me, and continue to do so every day.
She is the same train wreck that she was when she split... She hasn't changed, nor do I expect her to change. She is playing the same mind games with her current boyfriend that she did with me.
A couple months ago.. maybe early October I remember being on a coaching call. I was describing all the evil stuff my Ex has done, and was continuing to do. The coach asked me a simple quesiton - Why would you want to stay with a person who treats you like this?
I couldn't answer that question simple question logically.
I was hanging onto the dream I had as a kid. The one of having a nuclear family. The false view of my partner in life being as dedicated to me as I was to her.
I let the dream be just that. And started the long hard process of moving on with my life. I'm still in process, but doing ok at it.
I declined her offer because I realized that I am on the only one necessary to be happy in life. That I didn't want a life of being dragged into her craziness. I have to move on.
I'll be back her dropping a note every once in a while to keep you guys (and girls) apprised to how things are going.
She just had to see one more time if she could wind you around her finger. If you had shown any interest in reconciliation, she would have back peddled.
You are probably right Sandi2.
The biggest admonition of guilt I got from her through this entire process is that was that she was "a bit reckless"
Either way, I'm long over playing her games. She still does the selective communication with texts, the push pull. I just keep it business like around the care of S9 and move on with my life.