Hello. all. I am freaking out after a discussion with my H revealed that he is actively seeking an affair... or two, or three.... I NEED HELP! We live in the same house, and I don't see a way out of that. We usually have dinner together with our S14, and I can't even begin to imagine how to pull off the LRT under these circumstances. Regardless of anything between us, I will still be here, in the house, hanging out with my son before he gets on the bus every morning, usually making dinner when I get home, hanging out with him for at least an hour before he goes to bed, and generally being HERE. I am trapped, and as much as I think about escaping, I would never leave my son. I am embarrassed, ashamed, resentful, angry, and so, so hurting. How is the LRT possible in this situation???
Can you arrange to be out of the house when H is there? GAL and figure some way to just go do things for you?
It sounds like you need to establish clear boundaries to protect yourself from feeling the way you do. The values that you once shared seem to be different now. I understand and feel those feelings too.
I TRY to push them away and replace them with positive feelings (fake it until you make it), knowing you can be and are the better person. Your son needs this too.
Sit down dinners every night were always an important part of my family's life - I did not want to give that up. I switched the roles of who made this for the family, but we still do that - it's really been all we have left that holds us together and when we can be most civil and when we can show the kids how adults should act. Sometimes it is just a show, but I feel it has been an important one.
I will be giving this up soon though - as I think more of a physical separation is coming my way - and I'm not as shaken as I thought I would be - I have visualized this and planned.
You can do this - don't react. plan.
Little,
I do go out to the extent feasible. The rest of the time, I am there because I want to be around for my son. I do need boundaries, but can't figure out what is reasonable and what is important vs. what just bothers me. It is probably impossible to do what I am trying to do, but I have no options with the living situation, really. I am feeling seriously hopeless about anything ever happening, unless I make it happen.
u-turn,
I will try to follow your, "don't react. plan." advice. I just don't seem to have full access to my brain currently and when I do, it can fall away quickly during a conversation.
So, I asked H if he would please sleep in the family room downstairs, instead of the couch, and he agreed. Him sleeping on the couch really feels confining to me, as he usually goes to "bed" way before me. That is what he did last night, although he did tell me that a friend offered for him to live in his shop. Now, I am wigged out a bit. It has to be better than living with him though, right?
I really do need an entire book devoted to LRT!!!
Maybe it would help if you explained how you see a LRT.
Hi, Sandi2. To me, the LRT is really about bringing a person back to who they really are and/or who they want to be, regardless of what happens with the M. The difficulty for me with the LRT is the interactions, or lack thereof, with my H. I have a great career, many friends, and an amazing son that I have a good relationship with. My interactions with H, and knowing when not to interact, are a constant source of confusion to me. I really don't know what the heck I am doing in that regard. I could use all the help I could get with that aspect!
Nice to hear from you!
To me, the LRT is really about bringing a person back to who they really are and/or who they want to be, regardless of what happens with the M.
If we are talking about bringing YOU back then I agree.
It is to protect YOU.
So here is my question,
what needs do you provide for your husband now?
Cook his food?
Do his laundry?
I think that if he is in never never land it is time to
stop providing those needs.
That would be a start on LRT.
Speak with ACTIONS not WORDS.
I moved into the laundry room on a cot bed for a while. Now I am in the day room which has a daybed in it.
If H wants to go live in a poke hole: let him! Next time he mentions it, "thanks H, I would be very grateful if you could do that over Xmas, over weekends etc etc., every alternate Thursday"
Space for you.
LRT to me means Let R Temporarily (go). Darkness no contact for at least 90 days. No contact at all apart from real practical stuff. I have that planned April to September 2015. (Thanks HP for advice on 6 months). Plans hey, well at least a starting point.
Go have fun for you. Go GAL, act as if. Do a 180 on it.
It's your time now
Vanilla
Yes, Cadet, I was referring to myself. My H tends to do his own laundry. I do mine, my son's, and the general household laundry. I cook food for my son and I and if my H is around, he will eat with us too.
So you don't provide for any of his needs?
I don't see LRT as being dark. Going dark is a different road. The 37 rules are ideas for doing a LRT.
Any interaction is up to him. You do not initiate interaction with him, except maybe speaking hello or goodbye. Center your life around you and son, but not him. You should not appear angry or sullen. Instead, you are very happy and busy in making a life that does not necessarily include him. It is up to him to decide to change that setting.
Don"t act like a pitiful, rejected, left behind W who is pleading for him to want her. Heck no, if he doesn't want you in his life, then you won't waste your valuable time on him. Life is too short, and you do not have to settle for crumbs or leftovers. Showing spunk and confidence is admired by men. Acting pitiful, lonely, crying, whining, moody, angry, pursuing, etc., has the opposite affect on men. Trying to make him feel sorry for you or guilting him will not work.
You don't have to leave the room every time he enters it, but neither should you act as if you are starving for a few minutes of his attention. You can survive without it. Make sense?
When or if he comes in the house, he should see you enjoying whatever you are doing at the time. Cook dinner for you and son and eat without him, instead of waiting and hoping he will come home. Go about life as if he were completely out of the picture.
When he does interact, respond as if he were a nosy neighbor. You know how you would deal with a nosy neighbor, right? Nice but not givng much information out, and not spending a long time with him. Speak, wave, and keep moving.
Cadet, I take care of the house, but not him.
Sandi2,
Thank you for that. I do tend to have a positive attitude, in general, and I have been pretty independent my whole life, so all of that is easy for me. The suggestions about interactions that you gave are invaluable. These are the tough things for me. I will really have to try hard there. I am unaware of the 37.... can you point me in the direction of where I will find that?
Vanilla,
The cot in the laundry room cracks me up! I am sleeping in my bed in my bedroom, and I'm fine with that. Where he sleeps is on him.
Do any of you think I should be suggesting that he take the offer of living elsewhere?
Really try every one of those ^^^^^^^^ and note which ones you are having troubles with here. Someone can help.
I still have trouble following through with some of these thinking that my situation is different, I shouldn't do that. Get some input.
Do this for yourself.
Sandi
Just to clarify. I wasn't suggesting LRT was dark or even linked.
In my clumsy way, I was saying I will be LRT and then 6 months of dark, not that the two are linked together.
Vanilla
Okay, thanks. My misunderstanding.
Thank you all for your input. Limiting the interactions.... that's a big one!
... and thank you, Jim, for that link!
Okay, thanks. My misunderstanding.
Needs clarifying though in case I state it incorrectly.
Thank you
Vanilla
I think I can handle the 37! These are logical, and that's what I have to be in the mind-frame of. Just call me "Spock"!!! That is the detaching part, right? I am in full LRT mode, and I currently have a grip....currently... :0)
T-Mom,
Sorry to see you here. My prayers are with you.
The LRT is partially, also, to give you a sense of dignity, strength and control of your own life. Remember, you'll be fine without him. He needs to know that.
I would suggest speaking to a good divorce attorney, not necessarily to file, but to get good feel for what are your RIGHTS and what you need to document NOW, in case things go south so that you keep the house and that your son has a stable home to live in. This seems scary, but it will empower you. DO NOT tell your husband you are seeing an attorney.
At some point, you need to figure out what your husband is doing with other women. It goes without saying he's endangering your health if he's sleeping around. So, no sex until he can attest with some credibility that he's not seeing anyone else and that he's clean.
It's simply a matter of tending to your own needs, taking care of yourself, and showing some self-respect. YOU are the PRIZE he's walking away from. Don't forget that.
Theoden
Thank you, theoden. I do not believe that he has actually slept with anyone, but he does want to and I'm sure he will when given the opportunity. Sex is not in the cards for us.
T-mom
Assume nothing!
Remember 100% of what they say and only 50% of what they do. WAS can be extremely difficult and often wayward. The likihood is there is an EA/PA somewhere in the background.
Detach, detatch.
Vanilla
T-mom - It really stinks to not be able to trust what they are saying or doing - I am in the same boat (trust is something that we have always had). But now, just assume what is coming out of their mouth is not the true story and definitely not the whole story.
It took me a while to believe that my W could actually consistently lie to me and deceive me - but it's proven. Maybe someday that will stop.
Keep it up!
You can trust that he will cheat on you if he says he will.
Talk to a lawyer.
T-mom - It really stinks to not be able to trust what they are saying or doing - I am in the same boat (trust is something that we have always had). But now, just assume what is coming out of their mouth is not the true story and definitely not the whole story.
It took me a while to believe that my W could actually consistently lie to me and deceive me - but it's proven. Maybe someday that will stop.
Keep it up!
Riding this train, myself. It's hard to believe someone can be so untruthful. It hurts much more than the bold truth would.
I don't want to believe my 10 year BF is this person, but apparently he is and has been.
He IS being truthful. He is telling me what he wants to do and what he thinks he is eventually going to do. He is not doing this behind my back, but it still hurts like hell and I DO consider it cheating. I am just letting him live his life and I am living mine. I am the Queen of detachment, because I had soooo many years of unintentional detachment due to childhood sexual abuse.
I can't even express to you all how much this discussion does for me, personally. I don't really talk about personal issues, in general, and I am not a journal sort of person. I really appreciate the sounding board and feedback. I hope you are all doing at least ok. OK is OK. LOL.... total genius, I know...
t-mom
It's ok to tell us. We are here to support each other through the tough times and to celebrate the good times.
Childhood sexual abuse can trigger some very difficult stuff, which needs very careful handling and gentleness. Have you had IC care? Often life's events trigger new feelings and strong emotions.
(((((Hugs)))))
Vanilla
Thank you, Vanilla! I do, and have for a couple of years now, see an IC. I had previously worked through a lot of the old [censored], but I didn't realize that new (old) [censored] came up while I was married. As a single person, I had it all figured out. In my marriage, there are so many millions of wierdnesses that come up all the time, unbeknownst to me. He thought I looked at him as if he were the abuser and turned himself off to me. Eventually, part of him really resented me and that part was very apparent. I thought he just didn't want to have sex with me, and now that is true. We never really communicated about all of it and had a seriously sex-starved marriage. But we really love our son, and do love each other. I am positive a sex therapist could help, but he is done.
Thank you for the hugs!!! I needed them just now!
~T-Mom
T-mom
I fostered a couple of sexually abused children. I think it's fair to say that along with that acknowledgement of abuse and acceptance that as a child there is absolutely nothing that the child is responsible for. This is a lifelong burden and I would like nothing better than to chop of the relevant bits of the abuser and......
T, it is generally a rule of thumb that each relationship that an abused child enters as an adult require 2 years of therapy. Abuse patterns reoccur in numerous forms. Please accept that this recovery is a life long journey and that you have achieved a great deal so far. Maturity is not easy, be kind to yourself and a little sympathy for H who isn't a therapist and can't replace one. H may need help too with this.
You are strong T mom because and in spite of this. Your heart does not need to bleed as it can mend. This destruction need only interrupt your life and not define it.
I am glad you have an IC that can help you and to whom you can relate.
Heal this time
Vanilla
Thanks, you two! Vanilla, I have a lot of sympathy for him.... on a good day...lol... I get why he is going through this... I just can't fix it... I can only continue working on me. Like I said, he says he is tired of trying, doesn't want to fix it, and I can't say he hasn't tried. A sex therapist, or any for that matter, is out of the equation completely.
T
Sweetheart, I would love you to find the resource for you. More than anything the ability to connect is a vital part of any relationship. Sex is part of that connection between W and H.
I had a long dry spell with H2, who had not sorted his sexual feelings out. He still hasn't done so and moves from relationship to relationship with his issues although on many occasions he opened the door a little, usually with his latest partner. As his closest friend I wanted this for him but he was unable to face his pain and still doesn't want to.
That isn't a solution in the longer term, this can be addressed and you can do it. Actively resolving this will achieve more for you in PMA than any other attitude change for you. Abuse is the most awful experience for any person and childhood abuse is the most damaging. T every ounce of my soul is asking the higher power for a resolution for you, so that your sex life can be repaired whether with H or otherwise. This is very hard for the spouse too, as it seems like rejection, although in my case I adapted my relationship to a full friendship. Where ever H2 is I am hoping he has found the peace he needs but I am not hopeful as he would not address it. He knows I am here as his oldest friend if he needs to talk.
Truly, this is very important, you are in my prayers T.
Peace
Vanilla
Vanilla, I returned here to re-read your comment. I don't exactly know why, but I appreciate you taking the time to put all that into words. I was a little overwhelmed by it, at first read.
Actively resolving, huh? That's the ticket...LOL...
Hi t-mom.
glad you are getting some feedback from some great people. Treasure it.
I look back at my entire thread sometimes and re-read every word. It makes me happy that people care enough to support, advise, and just care. It also makes me sad to think of mistakes I made - though I have learned from them. I wish I found all of this much earlier - I wouldn't have started sooo weakly.
Keep working on yourself - consistently (If only I would take my own advice)
Cheers!
T
You have released a stuck point and release gives movement. This is a really loving thing to do.
Am delighted for you that my post resonated
Vanilla
I wanted to chime in here.
My WAW was sexually abused as a child by her father for many years until she was about 9. I knew about it, but we never ever talked about it. I felt she would talk about it if and when she wanted to. I know this has affected her deeply and her world view and her realtionship views. When I look back, all of her love realtionships have been subversie (with her high school teacher, having affairs before we got married, etc...). I have brought this up in therapy, but she is resistant to talking about it. Should I continue bring this up in therapy and just let it lie and let her figure it out. I always thought I could help her with this issue, but I am learning that we can't fix other people.
Confused as usual
NAJ,
Do NOT ignore it if it affects your relationship. Are you still going to therapy together?
LOL, u-turn... I hear that!
Yes - still going to therapy. You think I just bring it up again out out of the blue?
Do you have a suggested script I can use to initiate the convo?
Yes - still going to therapy. You think I just bring it up again out out of the blue?
Do you have a suggested script I can use to initiate the convo?
Naj- I have responded on your thread.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...519#Post2518519Vanilla
T-mom how are you?
With Xmas on the horizon are there any issues?
Vanilla
Thank you for checking in on me, V. I have to say that now that H is sleeping downstairs in the den, I see him only when I choose to, for the most part. He does not hang out upstairs, but there is only 1 bathroom and kitchen, so he does use those. I have been pretty busy and I will continue to be busy through the Holidays. I asked him what part he wanted to take in festivities and he will be doing Christmas Eve and Christmas Day here. He decided not to go to the NYE celebration. I have no idea where his head is... either of them! lol...
T-mom,
Does this space help you with your detachment? fewer eggshells to walk on? Just the space of my W not sleeping in bed anymore has helped me detach.
Staying busy is great for you. Enjoy the holidays with your son
Take care!
Thanks, u-turn. It definitely helps me to detach when he is not around. I have changed a few things around and he has had a few negative remarks about it, but I honestly can't even remember what they were. I have been ignoring his negativity, and even leaving the conversation when he makes a remark that I don't care for. I refuse to be his sponge for negativity anymore, as it is hard to maintain my own positive attitude when he does this. He is always in a bad place in the winter, and this year really is no different, in that respect. The Holidays are going to be fine, with or without him around. He really hasn't added much to any festivities lately, so I don't even miss him.
Sound like he may have the winter blues.
Has that ever been investigated?
Vanilla
He has many issues. Winter is never a good time of year for him.
Do you feel down in winter too? It's so sad when you see negative patterns and there is nothing that can be done about the unless they want it.
I rarely feel down. I'm a pretty upbeat person, so what I usually feel with stress is UP...lol... The relationship with my husband (or lack thereof) is really the only negative for me... and it has been that way for years.
u-turn,
I can't respond to your thread that we have also been communicating on... no option to respond...???
It's great to be that upbeat person - even if it's fake sometimes - I have to fake it sometimes. Keep that UP.
You may be looking at my old locked thread (they get locked after 100 posts). I made a new one yesterday - thanks for looking
T
Just saw this thread...
This is the best info that I have read, behind the theory of LRT...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=42377#Post42377
Thank you, Mach! I have read that, and I am following through with it. I have just found out that my H has not wasted any time in gathering up some OW phone numbers. This is a tough one for me. He has a few that he is in contact with on a regular basis. I feel a freak out coming on... but I will try my hardest to avoid it.
One simple mantra for me....
It isn't what happens to me in my life, it is how I choose to respond to it, that matters the most.....
So, I know I shouldn't have, but I did.... checked facebook and found one of the PW.. she is very excited about her "conversation" and can't wait til June after that conversation... I really want to ask H to tell me about his moving out plans before the whole world knows... but....I have to play stupid, right?!? I hate this! I wanna ask him when he does plan on moving out.... tomorrow is Christmas Eve.... fun family Christmas with H, and S(14).
T-mom,
I hope you are doing alright.
Sorry to hear this - and I hate that feeling of "I've got this information, now what do I do with it."
I know that there have only been 2 outcomes from my snooping - either I find nothing and feel like she hid whatever I was looking for better. Or, I find something and am completely heartbroken AGAIN. I understand the desire to find out as much as possible, but once you know it, then what? I am in the place now that I do not have any desire to find out more than what I know, I know what's going on, she knows I know what's going on. Now we have to deal with it.
It's a bit of relief actually to not want to know more. (At this point)
Take care!
Thanks, u-turn. I get it. When I'm in a good head-set, I can prevent my "quest for knowledge", but when I'm feeling down.... well... that's another story. I could so easily be the crazy wife that snaps and goes to confront these dumb girls that are violating the sisterhood code with a married man. I want to tell them that they are they sex that he hasn't been able to work out with his wife of 19 years that has intimacy problems because of childhood sexual abuse. I almost feel like I could convince anybody of the fact that giving him the time of day is a mistake. But.... the other part of me says that I am trying to control his life, and that he would still want to pursue others, and that's not the marriage I want. The whole living in the same household, but feeling betrayed on a regular basis has been tough for me. The being nice to him while I feel.... truly, almost hatred at bad moments... this is remarkably difficult. I am back to work tomorrow, and that will give me some much needed distance.
I have been wondering how you have been, as well. Same crap, different day?
I really need to work on some concrete boundaries here that help me to deal and still don't do damage to any DBing efforts. WE are really living separate lives already, with a bit of hang out (smoking) time each day. I don't really do anything for him. Should I cut those times out? Any advice?
T
We haven't heard from you in a while as you ok?
V
Hey T-mom,
How are you doing? You've been gone for a while.
u... lol... just wrote you a quick note... it's been so tough.... well, YOU know how tough it is!!! Sometimes, I just can't even think about it all...because it is really too much.
I come on to see how some others (like you) are doing, and while my heart is breaking, my heart is also breaking for each and every one of us that is going through this.
I DO smile when I see that someone has asked how I am doing... how can you all be so cool, and these people that we are being rejected by be so callous?