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Old dog seeks new trick 6

Posted By: Old Dog

Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/09/14 09:15 PM




Just booked another sess with my DB coach and got $30 off my the next 3.

Woohoo.
Posted By: gan

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/17/14 12:02 PM

How's it going over there, Old Dog?
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/19/14 11:51 PM

Hey ganb8te and all you other friends, I've been doing the GAL thing and keeping a PMA. Sorry for not being around and only dropping in sporadically for a fair few weeks now. I think I'll be on here over Xmas a bit more because my 'chatterbox', or the devil on my shoulder is shouting loud right now.

Feeling pretty angry towards WAW, who has gone to the pictures thus evening with work colleagues. Remember, it was 'innapropriate' to go with me. So that's one thing. And then there's the split Xmas.

I know it's my choice and I don't want to feel this way but I can't shake it off at the moment. Even after watching Shawn Achor's TED talk again.

Gonna have to try real hard this weekend not to backslide. I'll come back tomorrow. It's late in the UK, so goodnight.
Posted By: Maybell

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/19/14 11:57 PM

Have you watched the Brene Brown TED talk? That one really mattered to me.

I'm sorry you're struggling but I'm impressed with how nicely you've done on your GALing. Wish I could hang out for a weekend in London. smile

Want to make a virtual date to see a movie this weekend? You can go see one in Merrie England and I'll see the same one over here and we can compare notes. wink

You rock, Not-so Old Dog. Don't sweat her chit. She should have more imagination.
Posted By: gan

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/20/14 12:13 AM

I love the idea of a virtual movie date! Can I come along or would I be a third wheel?

Sorry to hear things are still rough, Old Dog. You are not alone. The stories round here are getting crazy on a lot of threads, I think because of Christmas/New Year coming up. The good news is, once we get through the next week or so, 2015 is a blank canvas, ya know?
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/20/14 08:56 AM

Yes I think it's all to do with Xmas & new year. Part of it is also anger towards myself for feeling this way, or letting myself feel this way and not being able to brush it off. Whoa inward spiral thing.

The Brene Brown talk is on my list. I've downloaded the TED app, so ill save that one too.

I don't want to see a movie this weekend as it'll take me away from the kids who I love being with and help me through this mire. But I love the virtual movie date idea and of course all my friends are welcome to come. The more the merrier. As its virtual we can go anytime. Which movie? Have you got Turner over there?

I did take the opportunity to finish Breaking Bad last night though and I'm really glad I finally did it.

Theres a whole pile of presents in our bedroom which WAW has wrapped up, mainly for her family members who they're going to see without me. I noticed the tags all say they're from from her, me and the kids. I've half a mind to get the tippex/snowpake/whitener out and remove my name. There you go, how's that for passive aggressive behaviour creeping in. Man I can do without those thoughts.

Blank canvas. Looking forward to splashing some vivid colours on mine. No more Rothco, maybe Kandinsky or Dufy or even Warhol/Lichtenstein.

Love you all. xx
Posted By: gan

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/20/14 09:28 AM

Old Dog! You gotta work on your PMA, dude. I think your W writing your name on the cards is a GOOD thing. Contrast that with my day - I was in tears writing cards with only my name on it. There are more vivid colors on your 2014 canvas than you realize!

There's a great POP exhibition on in Sydney at the moment - all the mainstream Warhol/Lichtenstein's are there. Actually I've always liked screen printing. Maybe I should take that into the new year as a GAL activity… I reckon you could pull off a mean Dufy.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/20/14 10:42 AM

I know, I know, but I'm so down at the moment. Just had a soak in the bath for an hour and a half fantasising about chopping everything we own in half with a chain saw, taking my half away and disappearing for ever. Also taking my half of the money, when we sell the house, and giving it away to people in the street or throwing it off a tall building. I just couldn't stop. Ended up topping up the bath with tears. Dark dark dark dammit.

I'll get through this somehow, but ... well, you know.
Posted By: Maybell

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/20/14 12:31 PM

Epsom salts and sage oil in the bath is cleansing of negative energy.

When you ask about Turner do you mean Turner Movie Classics? Actually the idea of an old classic sounds like a fun way to spend the evening. With a nice old vine zin or maybe some kind of whiskey drink. Or I could open my last bottle of port...

I have the kids this weekend too and I'm so excited to prepare for Christmas with them. But next weekend H has them so I plan to go see The Hobbit. Hope your day is brighter, NS-OD!!!!!

Who's with me??
Posted By: gan

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/20/14 12:39 PM

Aw, Dog, I'm sorry to hear this. It's totally fine to wallow every now and then, we all need to.

So what's triggered this then? I've just been reading back over the end of your last thread and I'm not really seeing anything in particular. Are you just riding the low bit on the roller coaster or is there something more going on?

I forget, are you seeing an IC?
(it's bedtime in Australia so I'll check in again tomorrow)
Posted By: jim0987

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/20/14 12:52 PM

Its a rough feeling, we all get them, but they also pass particularly if you dont wallow.

cardio exercise is a great way to boost endorphins and mood etc.

at this time of year you surely want the christmas classics of 'its a wonderful life' and 'Die Hard'
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/20/14 06:28 PM

Epsom salts and sage oil? Good grief Maybell, I'm a bloke! Isn't a pedicure enough for you? :-)

The film is called Mr Turner I've discoverd, about the artist ... er ... Turner. Although old classics sound pretty good. They just showed 'It's a wonderful life' this afternoon. I'll say this next bit quietly though. I don't like James Stewart. I think I may be on my own in this though.

Anyway I was out doing Xmas shopping. Got a few things for my mum, my brother and his step son.

Cheering up a bit as the day goes on. Not quite as much of my morning scowl is showing*. WAW even complimented me on my bright pink socks. Oh and before I forget, she even said she appreciated me coming back early last week and working from home so she could go off on a jolly with work while I look after the kids. I think that's the first time she said that since the bomb, despite having loads of weekends away.

* only kidding, trying to stay neutral today if I can't manage a happy disposition.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/20/14 06:32 PM

Oh, I missed your post Jim. And if you read mine, you'll see I missed its a wonderful life.

Never seen any of the Die Hard films. Or Rocky, and you know about Grease already.

I'd like to watch Groundhog Day again I think.

And again, and again, and again ...
Posted By: Maybell

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/20/14 06:37 PM

Epsom salts are gender neutral.

Sage oil, not lavender!! You'll smell like roast chicken. Isn't that manly enough for you? wink
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/20/14 06:42 PM

Originally Posted By: ganb8te
Aw, Dog, I'm sorry to hear this. It's totally fine to wallow every now and then, we all need to.


Is it allowed? I don't want to though. I'm afraid of falling back into the habit.

Originally Posted By: ganb8te
So what's triggered this then? I've just been reading back over the end of your last thread and I'm not really seeing anything in particular. Are you just riding the low bit on the roller coaster or is there something more going on?


I think it's just Xmas, and Grinch wife ruining it by taking the kids away on Boxing Day without me and then allocating me New Years Eve with them while she does off to have fun with her mad friend again.

Yes, it's an opportunity to ... whatever, but when your feeling low, it's a bigger effort.

Originally Posted By: ganb8te
I forget, are you seeing an IC?
(it's bedtime in Australia so I'll check in again tomorrow)


Not seeing an IC at the moment. I'm supposed to be hooked up with one soon through the NHS. They tried to arrange the first session a few weeks ago, but I couldn't make that day and they haven't called back yet. I wish they would.

Sweet dreams ganb8te xx
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/20/14 06:44 PM

I found a cool game for my iPad. Monument. It's a puzzle game. Very neat.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/20/14 08:40 PM

Originally Posted By: Maybell
Epsom salts are gender neutral.

Sage oil, not lavender!! You'll smell like roast chicken. Isn't that manly enough for you? wink


Foghorn Leghorn. Like it. I say boy, am I getting through to you?
Posted By: Ggrass

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/20/14 11:32 PM

I say boooooy!

Herbs are good. I have been drinking liquorice tea and been feeling 1,000% better for it.
Nope it didn't upset my tummy, but soothes it. I had some drama in this area.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/20/14 11:44 PM

Not sure I like the sound of liquorice tea myself. I'm glad IT works for you though Gg.

Drama eh? Now we're all intrigued.

Feeling a whole lot better now everyone. I think interaction with people brings me out of my shell. Off to bed now though.
Posted By: gan

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/20/14 11:50 PM

Originally Posted By: Old Dog
Is it allowed? I don't want to though. I'm afraid of falling back into the habit.


What's the alternative? Bottling it up? I think a little wallowing from time to time is ok provided you know you can pull yourself out of it. If you feel like you can't then it's time to get help. I'm generally doing ok but I still have moments where I feel like I am walking a very thin line between sadness and despair. I'm not sure if it is the mindfulness practice or what, but I seem to be getting better at noticing these moments and making a conscious decision not to go there.

Originally Posted By: Old Dog
I think it's just Xmas, and Grinch wife ruining it by taking the kids away on Boxing Day without me and then allocating me New Years Eve with them while she does off to have fun with her mad friend again.


Sounds like you've got some planning to do then. What are you going to do with the kids on NYE? Give them (and you) a NYE to remember. Forget that W is off doing her thing. You are doing your thing too - and its gonna be awesome!

Originally Posted By: Old Dog
Not seeing an IC at the moment. I'm supposed to be hooked up with one soon through the NHS. They tried to arrange the first session a few weeks ago, but I couldn't make that day and they haven't called back yet. I wish they would.


OK good. Follow up on this.

Old Dog, in reading through your posts I get the impression that your emotions are going up and down even while things at home aren't really changing. If I understand, your W hasn't made a faster move for the door or filed or anything. She's saying the relationship has run it's course but is not doing anything to truly end it (forgive me if I've missed some posts that say otherwise). If an IC can help you get to a bit more of a stable place then I think it would be good for your own sanity and your sitch. If you oozed a bit more confidence and became a man of mystery, doing your own things (for you) then I think she would start to question her thinking. Especially if you started wearing white shirts and white trousers like we discussed ;-) More seriously though, talk to an IC and try to work through your emotions. I think they are holding you back a bit.
Posted By: Ggrass

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/21/14 12:30 AM

Not sure if you really want the whole gory story.

Had s burst eptopic pregnancy a few years ago. They did medical invention, rather than surgery it created huge drama and later resulting in adhesions(scar tissue) in which my bowel blader and uterus were all stuck together. It felt like someone sitting or pressing in that area all the time.

This was fixed with surgery after me being really sick for 10months. Now with added emotional trauma, my tummy all the way thru is very touchy. Liquorice reduces inflammation. It tastes sweet and fragrant but not over powering like zambucca and other heavily favoured drinks. I've also just decided to have fruit and yoghurt to.

Mind you I love jasmine tea after Chinese, I like regular tea but hate earl grey or lady grey teas.

It's helping me feel less like fatty and sweet food. Good side bonus I think.
It's worth giving most stuff a go, worst you can do is pull a funny face and have a funny story to post. grin crazy

On aside I notice when mucking around some one will make a comment, and it's stops me in my tracks to gives me clarity not even what they were aiming at.

The other night joking round at tea, siting next to friends hubby.
2 blokes wander up and say "oh this is a private function? "
Yes ..... group reply
"Oh we are sorry"they turn and leave

Friends hubby perhaps they are single?
Me they can stay if their wealthy and have a short life expectancy!
FH ...you never know your luck you might not get lucky
Me .... how hard can it be? Their blokes
Fh.... What you think "we're" all easy marks do ya?
blush blush me ... (Then released I sounded like a huge nasty user) said actually its a whole bunch harder now I'm older, it just ain't so easy.

That was all joking round, but I had a mirror held up real close to my face. Normal others wouldn't notice, but now our gift is we do. Gives food for thought and areas to work on.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/22/14 11:05 PM

You're right Gg, I'm not sure I really want the whole gory story.

I'm so lucky I've ever had any major physical drama to contend with.

It's funny how liquorice reduces the inflammation though. I'll think of you pulling a funny face. Maybe a bit like at my works do last Thursday when we raided the dressing up box and posed like crazed loons in the photo booth.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/23/14 11:21 PM

Just come back from another GAL activity. I went to see The Imitation Game, the film about Alan Turing.

And I got perverse pleasure out of not answering my phone (on silent) when daft lass rang.
Posted By: Maybell

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/23/14 11:44 PM

I spent today in an annual planning meeting where I showed that this girl knows some stuff. Felt good.

During that meeting H sent me a long logistics email, which he actually closed with an expression of interest in my personal welfare.

During a break I noted his interest and email, put responding to it on my mental to do list, and went back to what I was doing.

That's what you're aiming for, Old Dog. Keep GALing.

The movie sounds interesting. I saw a play about Alan Turing many years ago. His tale is tragic. Hope you enjoyed the movie.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/24/14 07:42 AM

Good stuff Maybell, keep it up.

Yes, the film was good, and the tale was tragic. There's a blue plaque* on the wall not far from my work flat that says he used to live there.

There's another one for Robert Tressell, the author of The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists.

* Blue plaques are the way we commemorate the link between notable figures of the past and the buildings in which they lived and worked.
Posted By: SunnyB

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/24/14 01:49 PM

Originally Posted By: Old Dog


I'd like to watch Groundhog Day again I think.

And again, and again, and again ...


How did I miss this post until today? OD, you are cracking me up. Maybell, you too sweetie.....Epsom salts are gender neutral....
Posted By: Little

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/24/14 02:16 PM

Someone said to me that they should advertise a Groundhog Day 2 in theaters and then just re-play the original.

It made me laugh so hard I snorted.
Posted By: Maybell

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/24/14 02:41 PM

Love it!!!
Posted By: jim0987

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/24/14 04:13 PM

Originally Posted By: Little
Someone said to me that they should advertise a Groundhog Day 2 in theaters and then just re-play the original.


Priceless smile
Posted By: gan

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/24/14 09:28 PM

Of course Groundhog Day was on TV last night here. Made me think of you all ;-) If only we could get a do over, eh?
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/24/14 09:47 PM

Lovin' the Groundhog vibe :-)

Today I am grateful for:

Being released early from the drudgery of work. Most people were away already but when the most senior person left in the office learnt, from someone rise, that I actually lived four hours away, she said just go home which was nice.

My friend lending me his flat (that originally came out as goat :-) in London for a few days after Xmas. I dropped by on the way home to pick up the keys. Now I can get some serious GALing done :-)

The ability to take step back, look at what's happening and do a 180. When I got home, we went to a sing-a-long down the pub where S14's mate's DSL was in a makeshift band bashing out carols and Xmas songs. Although I love watching bands, carols and Xmas songs are not my bag so I withdrew a bit mentally and physically. But, my DB chums, I paused and considered the situation, re-entered the fray and even sang along to quite a few if the songs. The evening ended with Mud's It'll be lonely this Christmas which I sang along with ... without looking at daft lass once.

It's xmas day tomorrow folks, but we can handle it.

Love to you all. xx
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/25/14 09:51 AM

So here it is merry Christmas, everybody's having fun.
Look to the future now it's only just begun.
- Slade

Morning folks, keep your PMA going today.
Feeling pretty spruce myself. Got one one best shirts on and some aftershave that people on here recommended.
And I got a smile and a merry Christmas from daft lass.
Posted By: Ggrass

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/25/14 11:23 AM

You look awesome from here, your best side! Lol whistle

I'm sure you looked awesome.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/25/14 02:51 PM

Oh yeah. Awesomeness abounds on this worst Christmas ever.

Daft lass is cooking the Xmas dinner and also planning her New Years partying, asking me about taking the kids while she goes oh gallivanting. Sigh. We were getting on so well too. Don't worry, I wasn't expecting anything else.

I was planning to go to London with the kids but I don't think I'll be able to as my friends flat will be full and all the hotels double their prices. I'll keep looking for a solution though.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/25/14 11:52 PM

Today I am grateful that we had a nice day. There was no awkwardness, well not much and the kids seemed to enjoy themselves.

Daft lass cooked a nice Xmas meal and I thanked her for it and washed up. We played Cluedo which S14 won and the Logo game which she won. Didn't watch much TV, just the Father Ted Xmas episode ... again.

Luckily I can't find the Xmas songs CD, so I didn't have to hear the same old songs again. I really couldn't work in a shop in December, it would drive me insane listening to the same songs over and over again year after year. I actually found a few Jimmy Smith Xmas songs on YouTube which were great: a nice change.

Tomorrow we split. She takes the kids to her folks and I go to my mums for the night. I'm off to my friends in London the day after for a couple of days. She doesn't know that and I'm not sure I want to tell her, but I don't know why not.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/26/14 11:01 AM

A quote from 25 over on card's thread that I need to to tattoo this somewhere.

FOR NOW, back the heck off. Seriously. And the only way to do that successfully is to detach

and the only way I know how to detach is to GAL ... for real ...

Back off, and trust this process ...


We're going to our respective folks homes today. I'm not allowed to go to her's now in case it causes awkwardness. I felt OK yesterday but today though calm on the outside, inside I'm feeling anger and resentment. This is not good, but it's there, it's real. I'm trying to choose not to, but it's so hard. Spent a couple of minutes cursing her (out of earshot) while she was in the bath upstairs.

And I feel like crying again at her stubbornness to even contemplate working on our relationship. What was that I posted at the top of this again? Still a long way to go then.
Posted By: Card29

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/26/14 04:13 PM

I feel for you. I have been there off and on for months. It's okay to be angry at times. That is how you feel. It's a natural part of the grieving process. I think there are two keys, though, that are very important to follow:

- Do not take any anger out on her! No yelling at her, etc. if you need to, curse at your steering wheel, a pillow out of earshot, etc. You will eventually regret any anger you show to her. It sounds like you're really trying not to do this, so stick with it!

- Do not hold on to anger. It will come up naturally...I mean this is the ultimate betrayal if you ask me. But you are doing the right thing to choose to leave it, even if you're not successful all of the time. I understand now why people can be so crazy and furious during these crises, because perpetual anger is so much less painful to be in (in the moment) than being heartbroken. You don't feel as vulnerable, you don't feel as bad about yourself. But it is so important to be vulnerable (watch Brene Brown's TED Talk, Power of Vulnerability). That is the path of healing, the path to joy. If you numb your pain with anger, you will simultaneously numb your ability to be joyful.

OldDog, I have made it through the anger stages, and I can attest to your pain, your anger, but also to your desire to not be angry. Keeping letting go, and seek true forgiveness in your heart, for her and yourself. It will be worth it! I'm still not through the entire grieving process, but Ive been through that stage, I believe, and I can tell you that it is worth it to stick to the path that lead away from anger
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/26/14 05:14 PM

Hey Card, thanks for your support. I thought I was over the anger stage but I think the grief curve is a lot more complicated than first appears. In fact it's more like ... da da daaa

... a roller coaster :-)

I'm trying for the swan effect. Calm and serene (yeah right) above water but paddling like fury underwater.

I've watched Brene Brown's Ted talk and Shawn Achor's and Ann Cuddy's. They're very inspiring.

I'm just treating these days as blips. Annoying, but they won't last. In fact I'm already feeling a whole lot better after spending the afternoon with my mum.
Posted By: u-turn

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/26/14 05:26 PM

Hey Old Dog
that anger does resurface some times. I have a hard time dealing with that - though I always have.

Now it's forced exercise when I get angry - I'm now the push-up master.

Stay cool O.D.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/26/14 05:36 PM

Nice one u.

I heard Shawn Achor on a podcast the other day saying it's a good time to remind yourself of things you are grateful for.

One of my wonderful work flat mates also texted me the same thing this morning.
Posted By: gan

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/26/14 08:35 PM

Love the swan effect analogy. That's pretty spot on!
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/27/14 09:27 AM

Sometimes I have to put my head underwater see if I'm still paddling though.

Don't read anything into that btw, it's just a joke. I can't help making jokes. Trying to reduce the number of cynical ones though.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/28/14 07:24 PM

Does going to see your footie (soccar) team lose count as GAL?

Out and about in London Town. Off to a gig soon.
Posted By: SunnyB

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/29/14 02:14 AM

Originally Posted By: Old Dog
Does going to see your footie (soccar) team lose count as GAL?
.


I hope so. I watch the Heat lose all the time.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/29/14 08:50 AM

The Heat?

I spelt soccer incorrectly above. It was good to chat all too briefly with a friend at the footie. She split up with her H ages ago. Says I'm doing the right thing.

The gig was OK. Some things thrashing about on guitars making interesting noises.

Felt alone yesterday in the big city. Well I was alone. Although I do have you lot. When I was at the gig, before it started, I was checking in on here.

More GAL today. It's a friends birthday dinner this evening.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 12/30/14 11:10 AM

Had a great time at my friends birthday evening out. Good friends, good food good chat.

Meeting daft lass for lunch today and taking the kids while she goes off to have New Years eve fun with her crazy friend. Thinking about this, and assuming (yeah, I know) she is the one she texts a lot, I think she is being swayed by her into thinking she is doing the right thing by pursuing her dreams/ambition by ending our relationship. I don't mean I think her friend says do it, but she is being really supportive.

These past few days have been hard for me. Denied a family Xmas holiday, except for Xmas day itself, I have been staying at my friends place in London and trying to GAL. Doing the actions, but when my friend has to go out, the actions by my myself aren't enough to stay the sadness.

I will have loads more fun with the boys in the next couple of days though. I can't stay at my friends place any longer as hell have his kids and there's no room for us all. I've booked a hotel for a couple of nights and I'm planning winter activities for the three of us. We're going to be straddling the meridian line in Greenwich Park on the dot of midnight on New Years eve,

Next year will better for all of us who follow the program, work on being the best you be. Keep on GAL, keep on loving.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/01/15 04:56 PM

I didn't manage to wish daft lass a happy new year last night, or this morning for that matter.

I was in London with the boys - had a reasonable time, could have been better, but we made the effort - while she had taken herself off to her oh so fun friend's house for a few days.

She rang at 6pm to see where we were and what we were doing. I spoke briefly to her, saying we were going to the Winter Wonderland fair in Hyde Park. She then spoke to the boys who handed the phone back to me. I thought she'd probably hung up, but she was still there and said happy new year to me. I said thanks and hung up without reciprocating.

I just couldn't do it. I guess I'm angry at her.

Later on just after midnight, she texted S12, but not me and he replied.

Not very good DBing I'm afraid. Oh well.
Posted By: gan

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/02/15 06:47 AM

Happy New Year, Old Dog! Glad to see you made it in to London with the boys.

I think a friendly neighbour would have said Happy New Year back, no? You gotta process that anger, Dog. How are plans for IC coming along?
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/02/15 09:51 AM

Happy New Year ganb8te ... and everyone else.

A friendly neighbour would defo return a HNY. Trouble is I'm not in friendly neighbour mode and finding it difficult to be so.

She has taken herself off since Boxing Day, most of it with the boys, and is only returning today. I'm not saying I wanted it to be like Xmases of old, I know it's all changed and it wouldn't have been. I'm just sad that this is how it is this year and I guess angry that she get family Xmas with her mum, dad & sister, then her brother and then palms them off onto me so she can then have a great New Years eve with her fun friend.

It s been a **** Xmas and a **** year. I tried to do something fun with the boys at New Year but all they really wanted to do was go home and play their new games on the computer/Xbox or whatever.

I know it's only temporary though. When she comes back I will have pumped my PMA up and will wish her a HNY. I'm going to make myself busy until then.

Thanks for looking in.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/03/15 08:48 AM

Forgot to answer the IC question.

I haven't heard from whoever it is that arranges it for several weeks. It's rather annoying, I'll have to chase them.

Daft lass is back from her extended break from me and straight away continued her previous habit of disappearing upstairs with her phone and iPad.

The boys did manage to persuade her to come downstairs to watch a film but as usual, she fell asleep during it and then went to bed. Interactions are cordial though, I guess that's a blessing.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/03/15 11:41 AM

Still got festering anger. I'm not showing it, but it's there inside.

Think I'll go and get my hair cut.
Posted By: Maybell

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/03/15 02:57 PM

Leaving your W aside, what do you want from your life? Aside from a successful M, what will give you most satisfaction at the end of your life?

I have often thought, even pre-BD, about peasants from 300 years ago, the intense work they did just to have livable existences, and wondered what they did for personal satisfaction. How everyone has talents and interests that drew them and gave them their place in the community (the woman who understood how to keep chickens laying, the man who used his free time to teach himself to play an instrument and became the music source for the village, etc.).

What's your "thing"? What makes you, you?

I think this is why too much leisure is bad for humans. We fail to prioritize our leisure time and so fail to become our true selves. This horrible experience of being dumped forces us to live more intentionally. How will you focus yourself?
Posted By: SunnyB

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/03/15 07:00 PM

Originally Posted By: Old Dog
Still got festering anger. I'm not showing it, but it's there inside.



OD, specifically what are you angry about? Sometimes anger is a mask for another emotion. Can you name the source of your anger? And can it be drilled down to something else that can be dealt with?

For example, what seems like anger in D12 is often fear. She seems angry, but if you get to the root of it, she's afraid of something. Then that fear can be addressed.

Maybe that's true for you, too? Your anger is really......
fear...embarrassment...sadness...loneliness...
Is there something else there underneath?
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/03/15 08:53 PM

Maybell, I've never really known what I want from life. I've been a bit of a drifter. my only real passion is music. I was in the biz for 10 years in the 80s-90s. I've lost that and I miss it. I was a musician, tour manager, sound engineer, roadie, driver, dogsbody for dozens of bands in that time. For the most part, I enjoyed it.

I switched careers to web developer because I got fed up sitting in traffic jams with arrogant idiots on the way to some toilet venue. That, and daft lass absolutely hated me going away for up to three/four weeks at a time. She used to cry and beg me not to go. What a change.

What will give me most satisfaction? I don't know, but maybe something to do with music again.

You know I've also wondered about peasants and their lot. Why did they carry on? What was life for for them? Maybe you just had to because that was your position in life and they accepted it. The reward was in heaven. How convenient for the masters.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/03/15 09:06 PM

rppfl. I think fear us at the root of everything.

Reading DB & DR opened my eyes and 'feel the fear and to it anyway' opened them a little more. In fact all the books that people have spoken about have, but I believe fear us the key.

When I read FTFADIA I could not believe how much fear I seemed to have but I'm afraid it's true. There are differing scales of course and I'm able to confront and control some of it ... but there are some deep lying fears that will take a lot of working out I reckon.

I think I'm getting back on an even keel now after the worst Xmas on record.

I am wondering if I'm doing the right thing in staying here though. I sometimes think should I leave, go and live where my job is, come back one weekend a month staying at my mums and take the boys out for dome fun.

Let her stand on her own two feet. See how much input I provide into this family. I would probably cut my financial input into the joint account by quite a bit. She would have to move to much smaller place.

Just one if the things I mull over while lying awake at night.
Posted By: SunnyB

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/04/15 02:38 AM

Originally Posted By: Old Dog

rppfl. I think fear us at the root of everything.


That's something you can work with, OD. Face those fears. They probably aren't as bad as you have them built up in your mind. Do you see an IC?



Originally Posted By: Old Dog
I sometimes think should I leave, go and live where my job is, come back one weekend a month staying at my mums and take the boys out for some fun.


I'm sure there are pros and cons. For me personally, it would center around the kids. How much do you see them now? Would living away significantly change that? How do you feel about that?
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/04/15 11:37 AM

Fears are only ingrained thoughts in your mind. That's all they are. But the mind is very powerful and years of conditioning will hold you back. It's a similar process to DBing to changing them. Baby steps etc. I'm not seeing an IC at the moment: still waiting to be seen. I will chase on Monday.

Yes, pros and cons indeed. I'm back every weekend so I see them then. Making a move would reduce the time with them a lot. Mind you, a lot of the time they're playing computer games anyway.

How do I feel about this? I feel afraid I'll be doing the wrong thing whatever I do. Where's my IC?
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/06/15 07:00 PM

I chased the IC thing. Because it's organised by the health service, it has to be at my local surgery or health centre and there are no available slots at the moment. At least they haven't forgotten me.

And I just realised something. Daft lass is forever texting on her phone to her fun friend friend. She also hugs the boys quite a lot.

Maybe she is getting some of her need met in this way. It's as if her friend is providing EA support and the boys are providing physical touch support.
Posted By: gan

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/09/15 11:17 AM

How are things Old Dog? I just had one thought. Sounds like you might not have a choice of ICs through your health service, is that correct? Might still be worthwhile asking some questions before you go to confirm that the person you are scheduled to see is generally pro-marriage (assuming that is what you want). Otherwise you might waste time and money with an IC who just tells you it is time to move on or set a time limit limit etc. Knowing that my IC supports my position has helped a lot.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/09/15 01:59 PM

Hey Jim, just a thought. I went to Relate, they also offer IC, and it has been really helpful. I've had about 10 sessions with them..
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/09/15 10:56 PM

ganb8te. No, I don't think I will have a choice of IC, but DB is not the main reason I want to go. My relationship/marriage is only one of aspect of my life for which coach Chuck and this forum are my help.

It's getting everything in my life going that I want to work on.
This is why we GAL.

It is straight out of 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. If you work on each of those areas, then losing one of them won't be such a bad thing. If you are putting all your eggs in the relationship basket (codependency) and that goes bonk, you will feel as though there's nothing left.

Toots. Who is this Jim? :-)

We went to Relate a few years ago but it didn't really help much then as here I am. I have read a couple Andrew G Marshall's books though which say a lot of the same things as DB and he is ex Relate.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/10/15 08:51 AM

I'm just guessing names old dog...Tom? Joe?

Sorry...I"m getting confused about my sitches!!
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/11/15 11:55 AM

During logistical arrangements last Friday, Daft lass texted me saying she was shopping.

OK, what are you shopping for I replied.

Oh, just this and that she said.

S12 later revealed that it was actually a dress to wear to another wedding and a another works function coming up. Hmmm. This and that eh?

It's hard to treat someone like a friend or sister as my DB coach advised when they're holding you at arms length.

Every now and then I feel a surge of anger when I dwell upon the thought that she won't lift a finger to work on our marriage.

She tells people were 'in transition but we're still friends and co-parenting'. I don't feel like I'm one of her friends I can tell you. She texts all her other friends everything though.
Posted By: edz

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/11/15 12:08 PM

Hi old dog

Similar behaviours to my w, she'll text fb or otherwise transmit everything but I'm on a radio chatter watchlist of some sort. As I've said on my thread heyho as time goes on I'm detatching more. Apparently she's booking a girly weekend away only reason I know is she posted a comment arranging it on a joint friends Facebook posting and I got the notifications!

I just know if I did anything approaching the same it would get seized on though. Ultimately as (I think it was Sandi said) got to detatch as I can't lose her, she's already gone so I have to stop worrying about doing so and refocus on dB and sorting myself with the possibility of reconciling. ultimately the dB is for me (and in my case continuing the rebuild of r with s) and if she chooses and is prepared to come back thats the bonus. Not sure, still working this part of it out myself to be honest!
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/11/15 02:08 PM

You're right edz. Got to keep strong.

As I mentioned previously, I'm trying to get all my life back into some sort of shape.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/14/15 09:27 PM

Rats!

WAW just phoned me about a couple of things, but at the end she mentioned she'd been asked out on a date at the weekend. It's S15's birthday on Saturday so she's going on Sunday lunchtime.

A date? I said. Yes, she said and reiterated it'll be on Sunday. I said right, see you then and hung up.

So it gets worse. I've only just come back from my mindfulness meeting feeling optimistic and thinking how can I convince her that all she is thinking is in the mind. Ha!

Rats, rats, rats. Now I feel bad. Not as bad as I would have before but still bad.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/14/15 10:00 PM

Originally Posted By: Old Dog
I've only just come back from my mindfulness meeting feeling optimistic and thinking how can I convince her that all she is thinking is in the mind.


Before someone jumps on this. That's not really what I was planning. I don't know what I'm thinking right now. I don't want to go back. How do I stay strong?
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/14/15 10:24 PM

How would she expect me to react to this news when I go 'home' for the weekend?

Well I have already had a long pause on the phone and then cut her off saying 'right, see you then' when she started to say 'I know it s not what you ...'

I think she would expect me to be withdrawn, silent, maybe surly or angry.

So I think I just carry on with my normal PMA. Keep busy. Not mention it.

And what about the boys?

Man this is so ****. I know so many people are in worse situations but it's still ****.
Posted By: Ahoy

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/14/15 10:25 PM

All her thinking is not in her mind, it's in a different body part, I'm afraid. Do you admire this behavior? Do you want to be around someone who is treating you that way? Maybe pull back and focus more on yourself. I think it was super hurtful of her to rub her date in your face. If you're at a place where you can draw boundaries, maybe tell her that you're not interested in hearing about her dating life. Or start going on dates of your own and share those details with her. Try something different, either way.

Stay strong and positive. Your bad feeling IS all in your mind. Focus on what is good in this moment. (I had to tell myself this last night while panicking about custody issues.) For example, last night I said: I'm letting my mind get caught up in all the drama, but in REALITY, all that is happening in this moment is that I am lying in my comfortable bed, with a roof over my head, sweet cat next to me, well fed, after having enjoyed an evening with friends. My life in that moment was (and is) actually pretty good. Honestly, sometimes I just tell myself to think like a lizard -- totally in the moment. Have I eaten? Slept? Have shelter? Yes? Then I'm OK for now. I don't want the emotions to drive me and succumb to the anxiety.

Stay strong and positive. It's for your own benefit.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/14/15 10:59 PM

Thanks for being there Ahoy. The bad feeling is all in my mind. Well, there's a physical sensation bit in my heart too.

There's so many thoughts racing around now though. I'm thinking ...

Maybe I shouldn't go home every weekend.
Maybe I should stay at my mums instead and pick up the boys for the weekend.
Maybe I should leave home and just stay down here where my work is.
I have been applying for jobs near home and there are a couple more I could go for but I don't know now.

Not looking forward to trying to sleep tonight.
Posted By: Maybell

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/14/15 11:01 PM

Old Dog, I'm sure that hurt 50 times more than you said here. I wish I could say anything helpful, but all I've managed in my own sitch is to get my STBX to cry with self-pity that he doesn't want to be "that guy" and for me to be mentally ready to move on.

This stuff takes time. You're doing everything right. Listen to Ahoy, it will help.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/14/15 11:17 PM

I'm sure she mentioned it to prepare me for it. Because she doesn't want a scene on Sunday.

I feel like having a flaming row with her. Call her a selfish ****. Accuse her of abandoning our M without lifting a finger.

That would actually be something different ... but I don't think it would help.

Mind you ignoring it is also something she might expect from me. Oh I don't know.

Heeeeeeellllllppppp
Posted By: Maybell

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/15/15 12:36 AM

What kind of man do you want to be? If you could put aside all the emotion, what would you choose to do, or advise a friend or one of your sons to do?
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/15/15 08:12 AM

A good man. But I already am.

Just got to get through the day now.
Posted By: LoveMyW

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/15/15 08:56 AM

OD, I feel for you brother.. I went through the same feelings about this time last month when my W told me she was actually in the BF/GF phase with someone.. 2-3 dates in the month beforehand and then BF/GF.. No knowledge of each other before any of this..

I actually had a good laugh when the shock/anger/anxiety wore off not long after as it is a nearly textbook rebound R which is the same as yours sounds.. I still don't LIKE the thought of W doing this, but I have set similar boundaries of not knowing/wanting to know about their "R".. As DB states, we can choose to respect the W's life choices, but it doesn't mean we have to agree with them..

A funny side effect of all this is that it has done wonders to my detachment.. I suddenly look at W differently, and honestly DB stuff kicks in.. I have noticed I don't think about her anywhere near as much before BF BD, and I have "tuned" my interactions to nearly ALL DB principles.. I have also gone as much NC as possible, but as read on another persons post (HP or Mozza I think), when the time has come to reply etc I have been neighbourly, but have also tried to mirror W's interactions..

All in all, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.. It just means we have to work harder..
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/15/15 09:39 AM

Hi OD - I'm so sorry to hear that - hard news to process. "My W. wants to date someone else." That's the brutal reality - at least right now. I think the big challenge - especially when you're still reeling from the news - is to engage with the brutal reality and also maintain your faith in the longer term.

Reality is, your W is probably pretty miserable right now. Your M is in crisis and she is looking for a way of feeling better - ideally without the hard work it would take to restore the M. Other people can look a whole lot more attractive right now. But the reality is we are all flawed and Rs all have their challenges.

I think you need to accept - she has decided to go on a date - and go she will. And what does that mean for you? Can you live with that and maintain your current arrangements etc? Only you know what your boundaries are. But try and respond rather than react. Be the person you want to be in this latest challenge.

Before you do whatever you're going to do (which may be nothing) post here and get some support and perspective. xx
Posted By: gan

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/15/15 09:55 AM

Hi Old Dog, Just catching up on things. Sorry to read about this turn in events. I'm sure that would have been very hard to hear and put you in all kinds of spin.

I think you've received some good responses so far. Maybell's question is key in all of this and I think you need to ponder it a little more. I bet many of us here feel like we are already good people...but we are striving to be better. And we are using this dreadful experience to take a timeout and figure out what that looks like. You seem to have been inspired by the Feel the Fear book/workshop. Has that opened up any doors for you? Made you think about doing things you'd never considered before? Or be someone you thought you weren't? Put your M in a box, hide it somewhere for now and embrace this as YOU time. See where your heart and head take you.

I suspect you want some more concrete ideas than that but I really do think this is the key. Even you said you want to work with IC about more things than just the M. So do it! Make your life what you want it to be, starting now. And if you don't know what you want it to be, then go start exploring!
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/15/15 06:31 PM

Thank you so much everyone. It's good to chat to friends who know. I've had a horrible day trying to survive in a workplace full of people going about their business. I was awake in the night too.

I was doing all right until yesterday. I could handle it. Now after this advance warning that she is going to cheat on me I feel really angry.

I tried not to let it affect me too mauch at work but was a little subdued and could feel the anger simmering away inside.

I've blocked her on facebook - I'd already unfollowed - and changed my status to nothing.

This is all about me now. I want to be the best I can be though I don't feel empowered right now as you can imagine. It would be good if I can channel some of that anger into working through some of the things I want to improve on but I feel at a low ebb right now.

Whatever happens I'll handle it. I just need a plan to get through this weekend without burning an bridges.

Better arrange a phone call with Chuck I guess. And I've got a follow up phone call with my feel the fear workshop lady too.

Thank you again folks.
Posted By: Tarheel

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/15/15 06:47 PM

Dog, I'm not up to date on your sitch, so feel free to disregard if you don't feel this applies at this point, but when something similar happened to me shortly after BD, I wish I would have taken the stand that I wasn't going to live in an open M. I wasn't mentally/emotionally prepared at that point and it was pre DB. Instead, I probably came across as controlling when I grilled W upon finding out OM had asked her out.

That 'date' eventually turned into a R with OM. Decide what you can live with.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/15/15 08:53 PM

Hi Tarheel. No I'm not prepared to live in an open marriage. But she probably wouldn't see it that way any way as she's insistent that's it's over.

My wounded gut reaction us to walk away. But there are kids involved, and why should I walk away?

In theory, I can handle anything but how do I handle this without becoming a doormat? Boundaries. What boundaries do I need to set and how will I enforce them? That's something I don't really know much about.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/16/15 12:13 AM

My late night thoughts. I feel as though the elastic has snapped.

I don't want her to pick me up from the station tomorrow, I'd rather wait an hour and get the bus. I don't want to talk to her or be with her. We are not friends. I will act with civility but I will not initiate any conversation. Passive aggressive? Maybe not if I keep a PMA.

And I will keep that PMA rock solid for S14's 15th birthday on Saturday On Sunday me and the boys will go out to my mum's and maybe somewhere else. And I will time it so we're back just in time for my bus back to the land of work so I don't have to see her.

I will be totting up what I've got at home with a view to moving all my stuff out and also totting up what we spend jointly with a view to pay half of the bills.

I have arranged call to coach Chuck next week so I won't do anything hasty but I've got to pull back from this, not be a doormat, stand up for what I want, what I am prepared to put up with and say no to what I am not.

Telling me she's got a date is like giving me advance warning that she is going to cheat on me though she'd say she is free to do what she likes as she has decided it's over. Well sod that. Do what you like then but be aware you must face the consequences.

However, having said that. I must do what works. I will listen to any vets who pass by and of course to coach Chuck next Thursday.
Posted By: Maybell

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/16/15 01:53 AM

Quote:
I will be totting up what I've got at home with a view to moving all my stuff out and also totting up what we spend jointly with a view to pay half of the bills.


I'm kind of glad to hear you say this. I've been wondering what's in this arrangement for you and why you would go along with it. This is the one instance where I'd say the W is eating CAKE and I find it frustrating. She has no reason at all to change her ways or come back to you because she's getting all her material needs have met, nothing has really changed for her (so far as I can tell) except that she's getting away with absolutely RIDICULOUS behavior and you're still feeding her need to feel desirable by being so clear you want to work things out.

It's ok to let go. I don't know if it will bring her back or not because I really have no sense of her issues except that she was lonely -- DUH, you're going to be lonely when you live apart. But I feel like she ought to say "living apart doesn't work for me," not "our relationship has run its course."

You have done AMAZING things, OD. You don't get enough credit for how brave you've been or how far you've come. Yoga! Pedicure! Feel the fear workshop! London and Lord knows what all! She's wrong about you. I hope you feel proud of yourself.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/16/15 08:13 AM

Thank you Maybell. You, and many other friends on here are an inspiration to me with your strength, wisdom and analytical skills. You get so wrapped up in yourself sometimes that you don't realise how far you've come or what you've learnt.

For me, it's still hard to analyse it and figure out what is the best way forward. This morning, for example, I don't feel so angry and think I could live with this. Do I want to? No. I know the school of thought that say do not move out etc, but every situation is different and daft lass is just as resolute, showing no chinks in her armour.

There are more things I can do to GAL though, and more 180s I can practice. I has been difficult for me to identify what I can do as far as 180s are concerned. I'm not one of those people who can recognise specific behaviour and therefore when asked what can you change, will not usually have the first idea.

I have also contacted the lovely feel the fear workshop lady to arrange a follow up call. She emailed me after the workshop and said "I think you are a very brave man and it is refreshing to know that there are men out there becoming more self aware and who are willing to reflect and make changes when something in their life isn't working out." It's sometimes hard to accept compliments. You know, that is a 180 of mine: I do now acknowlege such compliments. If someone can see this in you and share it with you, I am pleased to hear it and not mumble something self deprecating. Americans propbably don't have such a hard time with this as we Brits. I'm following her on twitter as well.

I can heartily recommend attending a workshop to anyone on here. You don't need to have read the book, though I'd also urge you to do that as well. It gives a wider perspective as it covers your whole life it's all about GAL: your relationship is just one aspect of your life, but when it is the major one and then falls apart, that spells trouble with a captal T.

Right, off to work. Have a great day everyone.
Posted By: raliced

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/16/15 02:21 PM

Hi Old Dog,

I'm sorry about this latest development.

But I love how much your latest posts focus on you. Maybell is right, you have made great strides! And I hope that British reserve you mention won't keep you from accepting the compliment.

Old Dog- I read your thread pretty regulalry but I may havemissed it. Have you ever spoken with a solicitor about all of this and your rights regarding the house etc?

Stay strong OD!
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/16/15 06:54 PM

No, I haven't spoken to a solicitor.

On the way home now. Just texted daft lass saying I don't need picking up but she shopping in the city anyway. I don't really want too much contact with her this weekend. Oh well. Pump up that PMA.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/16/15 09:56 PM

Back home. Had a nice chat with S12 on the drive back. Daft lass was in the back so can't really hear too much of our convo.

I've hijacked our bedroom rather than sitting in the living room. Now there's a 180 :-)

I feel much calmer now a couple of days has passed since she announced she was going to go on a date. I feel more like 'whatever, it's none of my business. Do what you like.' I can't change your mind, so I won't try and I'll just get on with my life.

Think mindfulness. Live in the moment. The only things that can hurt you are your own thoughts and you do not have to believe them. Ask yourself, is this true?

Holy cow I sound like some new age spiritualist hippie when normally I'll argue until the cows come home against stuff like astrology and homeopathy.
Posted By: gan

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/16/15 10:16 PM

Old Dog, I was going to reply last night to your 8.13am post - something the to effect that it felt like I was witnessing a turning point from you. You sounded stronger and more determined than ever. But I was feeling kinda low myself and couldn't muster the words.

But now I've woken to ^^^^ post!!! Holy cow indeed. Go you! I'm so excited to hear what's next for you.

BTW I've not yet read FtheF but have already recommended it to a friend on the basis of knowing it did wonders for another friend. Must pick up my own copy soon.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/16/15 10:24 PM

Oh ganb8te. Do it, do it, do it.

I've also got the little book of confidence which is full of affirmations and wisdom and fits in your pocket nicely.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/17/15 04:27 AM

Where's my higher power? I need some inner strength.

I've been lying awake thinking about bagging up all my stuff and moving out while she's on this date. And then I thought, no I'll put all her stuff in bin liners outside the front door, like you used to see in cartoons when someone had been caught cheating e.g. Andy Capp in the Daily Mirror.

Now I'm sitting downstairs at 4 in the morning trying to put into action what I said previously about living in the moment. Approach everything with love. Yes I lovingly packed all your clothes up, neatly I might add.

The cat has somehow managed to escape the kitchen and is now sitting on me. That's a 180 for her: she's so antisocial usually.

25's super post on Raliced's fab thread has given me a little strength to carry on, but I could do with a coach or IC at the moment.

It's S15 now. A year older. There are presents on the table. I have had nothing to do with them. I don't know what's in any of them. I am just shut out. I should have made myself be more involved but I didnt. Argh! Daft lass was up really late last night. She must have been wrapping them. I didn't know and she didn't tell me.
Posted By: raliced

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/17/15 04:40 AM

Hey Old Dog-

I'm going to remind you of something I know you know.

Its S15s birthday. Let this time be about him. You aren't going to instigate any move out this weekend, ok?

After that, well, I have to say I like this alpha Old Dog who is rearing his head!

If DB is about doing what works - I guess I would ask if living together right now is working for you?

Funny- as I write this - I am watching one of my enormous felines snuggle up with my even more massive dog. Just like you!

Old Dog - When you get in these moments - there's something about your posts that always makes me want to reach through the computer and make you put your chin up!
Posted By: Ahoy

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/17/15 04:49 AM

Old Dog, you won't always feel this way. Let this pass. Also, get out there and start dating -- even if it's just platonic. Really. That's the only thing that's going to make a difference. Either it will help your W realize that she might lose you, or it might make you realize that there are other people out there who might treat you with love and respect, and that's what you deserve. I don't want to date romantically at this point, but forcing myself to go out as friends with people and get outside of my comfort zone has really helped me to move on emotionally. We are all rooting for you.
Posted By: Maybell

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/17/15 04:54 AM

So I know you said you want to be a good man, but here's where you start deciding in detail what that really means.

Why are all those gifts from daft lass (kinda like the phrasing... I'm a sucker for British English) and none from you?

Why are you so undecided about what to do about your living conditions?

What is the status of your job hunt?

I do not believe your PMA will improve in a real way till you start taking charge of yourself, making things happen, and stop being a doormat for the Mussolini running your household. I think when you stand up and act, your whole attitude will change.

I understand the kind of steady courage that requires. But your situation has been declining steadily for months and you're still acting hurt that she doesn't want to even see a movie with you. She can not be any clearer than she's been. I'm not saying she's right or reasonable, but you are not facing reality, and that, more than anything, is making it hard for you to discern what actions are helpful/harmful to you and what will impact the tattered relationship.

You've done a LOT in the last few months. Stretched yourself more than MANY on this forum. But somehow I always think of you as stuck. You more than anyone I follow needs to be prodded out of his inertia.

I say this with a LOT of understanding. That was me. Very stuck for a long time (hence the large number of threads.) so please recognize my kind intent when I say GET OUT OF THE MUD!! Take a step! Any step. make a decision that makes it easier to work the life you've got comfortably and then move in that direction. If it's wrong, backtrack and try something different. But move ON.

And happy birthday to your boy. smile
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/17/15 05:15 AM

Thanks once again for reaching out to me.

Yes, it is S15's day today. The presents will be from both of us, it's just I have had no input. And no I won't be doing anything rash until I've spoken to Chuck on Thursday.

I feel though that if I'm not exactly stuck, I am wading through treacle. There is nothing moving on the relationship front and if anything she is moving further away. I need to do something, hence the thoughts about bagging up clothes.

I've been speaking to my flatmates about thus as well who I think are wise, and am considering moving out. I don't know if to is a good idea, it'll certainly shake things up a bit.

I really don't know about dating. I have never been any good, and I really mean no good, at it and the thought just scares me. I'm not really interested in it, I just want daft lass.

Must try and get some sleep now.
Posted By: Maybell

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/17/15 05:21 AM

Buy your son's gifts yourself (self-sufficient men = irresistible).

Don't move till you've gotten legal advice.

Don't date till you're ready but maybe try not to look taken when you're out.

Get some sleep.

The man cave thread has been deleted. Mr. Incredible packed up his marbles and went home. You Snooze you lose, man, find the banks of that marshland and find your full stride length.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/17/15 06:15 PM

It's been a good day so far. S15 is now ... er 15 and we all went ice skating. Yes a birthday in the family means I am allowed to go. Oh dear cynicism rears it's ugly head.

What was I saying? Oh yes, good day. This morning, I rose late because I was up for 3 hours in the night. I went downstairs to find daft lass baking a cake. I said I would have helped wrap the presents last night if I'd known and made us a cup one tea. We wrote the card and I made her laugh with a comment I wrote in it.

When the time came to open them, they were just as much a surprise to as they were to him. I was quite emotional and had to hide a tear in my eyes as I realised what may happen in the near future.

Then we all piled in the car and went ice skating. This is only the seconds time I have tried it and I have to say I rock! I was soon belting round the rink, without falling over and helping the others. The boys managed quite well, S15 did better than S12, but they both had a go and listened to what I told them about how to do it. Dat lass though was very timid, couldn't leave the safety of the side and only managed 2 laps holding tightly onto my sleeve. I offered her my hand it she chose try sleeve. Don't want to get too close now, who knows what I may deduce from it. I learn by watching others, so I figured you have to keep your head up, choose a destination and skate for it, but not try to walk and lean slightly forward. My only problem is stopping. I clattered into a woman right at the end, apologising profusely. We were both OK though.

We then went for a pizza where for once the background music was really nice: some 60s easy listening. Good songs though not cheesy or too comfortable cardigan type songs.

Finally, I picked up S15's MacBook from the repair man after he'd broken the screen.

I have kept another rock solid PMA throughout (apart from the present opening when I was a little quiet). I am quite proud of myself. This is S15's day and it going well.

-----------

Legal advice. I suppose that makes sense but my goodness, has it come to this?

Dating is so far into the future, I can't think about it. I wouldn't have the first idea about how to not look taken when out. All I an think of is take y ring off. Will that do?

And oh well, it didn't sound like I was missing much in the man cave. There's a reason why we all have our own man caves, not a communal one. We don't want to fight to be top dog in our own caves, we decide what what gives.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/17/15 06:31 PM

Good for you with the PMA Old Dog. Just focus on getting throught the weekend intact, and you can think about things next week.

Probably not a good idea to make big decisions right now - IMHO. Just aim to get yourself more 'settled' and then you can have a think. There's no rush.

Also, Dating? That's the least of your worries right now IMO! I would put that right out of your head for the time-being, regardless of what your W might be doing.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/17/15 07:10 PM

Toots, I was just responding to others suggesting I might think about it.

I am nowhere near thinking about it, let alone doing anything about it.

As you say, there's no rush. It's a marathon. And I've got a couple of calls lined up with my Feel the fear coach and my DB coach.
Posted By: Sotto

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/18/15 08:05 AM

Hi OD - glad to hear it! And very wise to appreciate you're not close to that point right now.

Hope you have another good day, and hope the calls go well! ((OD))
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/18/15 08:34 AM

Thanks Toots.

Just another quick update on the rest of S15's birthday. Once we got home, everything reverted to type. I spent the evening on my own downstairs and she was upstairs with her iPad and phone. I made her a cup of tea around 9pm and the boys would stop by sporadically.

Something has to change. This isn't working but that is scary. Mind you, this year, I will mostly be feeling the fear but doing it anyway.*

* for our chums across the seas, this is paraphrasing a catchphrase from 'The Fast Show' a brilliant comedy sketch show from a few years ago.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/18/15 09:26 PM

I woke up this morning feeling dread about daft lass's decision to go on a date today. I got up, made a cup of tea for us, had breakfast and went for a walk for an hour and a half.

When I came back, I only saw her for about 10 seconds before she left. She'd got dolled up for her date: something she didn't bother to do yesterday for S15's birthday. She said 'see you next week as she left' obviously not planning to be back before my bus leaves then. I didn't reply.

I took the boys up to my mum's where my brother, his wife and her son were and we had some more birthday cake and S15 had a couple more presents.

I'm back at my work flat now and related the sorry affair to my flatmates. It's good to have their support.
Posted By: Maybell

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/18/15 09:53 PM

I'm sorry, this was a rough day for you. You have support here too.

Did you happen to see the thing I wrote about fear being a lighthouse? That seems applicable to the place you're in right now.

Sending you hugs, Not-So Old Dog. Wish things were better for you now, but I know they will be soon.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/18/15 10:24 PM

Hi Maybell, yes I did see your lighthouse shining brightly in the distance, but then it went out, and then it came on again and it just kept doing it over and over again. I was so confused :-)

My flatmates say I am much more able to withstand these blows now, they have really noticed the difference.

My DB friends, I am so grateful you are here for everyone, not just me. I feel I don't reciprocate the same quality of advice. I wish I was a bit more insightful. I'm working on it though.
Posted By: raliced

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/18/15 10:37 PM

Hey Old Dog -

Just wanted to send good vibes your way. I'm glad you got through the weekend - and a belated happy birthday to S15!
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/19/15 08:09 AM

mmmm vibes. A friend of mine used to have some vibes: they made a nice sound. Thank you raliced on behalf of S15 and myself.

So tired this morning though, another night when I was awake dreaming up a letter to send to daft lass. It's her birthday on Valentine's Day, so it would be enclosed in a card ... maybe ... if she's lucky enough to get one.

I took my ring off in the night as well, I cant quite remember why now, but I've put it back on.
Posted By: gan

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/19/15 09:55 AM

Good vibes from over here, too, Not So. You're post about Maybell's lighthouse made me laugh out loud!

It's good to read that your flatmates are there for you. We're here too of course, but its nice to interact with more than a computer screen once in a while.
Posted By: Old Dog

Re: Old dog seeks new trick 6 - 01/19/15 11:22 AM

I'm glad you got a laugh out of that ganb8te :-)

I've been listening to a podcast featuring Dr Robert Glover, the author of 'No More Mr Nice Guy'. I read the book a while ago after you recommended it Maybell, but I'd forgotten just how accurate, and therefore depressing it is.

Oh well, at least I know I am my own worst enemy and can begin to address some of the issues.
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