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My story of WAH

Posted By: seaspin

My story of WAH - 12/05/14 05:01 AM

I've been lurking here for awhile. I finally thought maybe I should post my story in case it helps anyone else. It seems like there are more posts about WAW's than WAH's.

I thought we were doing well. The child bearing years along with H's cancer treatments were tough. Very tiring & draining. We had drifted apart but I never thought H would leave. I thought we had to just get through this rough period and we'd be ok. The months prior to BD, I did sense H pulling away. He doesn't say much and held all his feelings in.

Feb- He sent me a Valentine's card and said he loved me. We went on a date. I had fun. I thought he did too, but maybe he was faking it.

Aoril - A close relative of H's died of cancer, H found out his cancer was back (although he doesn't need treatment yet). A few weeks later, the BD came. H was especially distant all day. I confronted him and told him he didn't talk to me anymore. That's when he said he didn't know if he wanted to be married. He waited for me to change all these years, but I never did. Somehow I was supposed to mind read that. He didn't know what the future held but would go to counseling with me after he got himself checked out for a mental illness (came back neg).

3 weeks later - took a weekend trip to CA for work. Very unusual. There was one particular day he didn't call home at all. Not normal. I later found receipts for expensive restaurants and museum tickets on an account we never use. The day he comes home, he says he wants to separate. Doesn't see me as a friend. There are no seeds left to grow a friendship. H moved into another bedroom and started being really cold toward me.

1 week later (June)- Lied about going on a trip to CA. Said he was going to a different state. He came home and said that he wanted a D. Said he always wanted one & tried not to mislead me. He feels that his only options are to stay in a bad marriage or leave and possibly find something better. If he supposedly only has so many years left due to cancer (he could live a long life) he wants to be happy and free. Cancer was supposedly a wake up call for him to "be happy".

I'm so confused at this point. H used to be a conservative, family man. He also grew up in a religious home, but now believes totally opposite. He said nothing all this time about being discontent. I did all the wrong things - cry, plead, wrote a love note, said I would change, etc. He said he's just too different now. Doesn't believe in marriage. People change so you should be able to get out of a marriage. Our relationship has been over for a long time (Huh? How can he declare it over when I didn't know?) He said he was just pretending all these years, there were no good times at all. He doesn't believe I can change.

His complaints
- His LL is Words of Affirmation - I gave none
- He didn't feel like I wanted him - kids got more attention
- I'm too critical
- I'm emotionally distant (funny, he says that when I always thought he was the emotionally distant one).
- I didn't fight for him
- He thought I put all his ideas down

June - H moved out on our anniversary date. I felt relief for some reason. I read his twitter tweets and found that he acts like a totally diff person there. Very outspoken, drinks, bad language, mentions suspected OW at times. Apparently, he's been like this for months before BD and I never knew. At this point I start DBing and I read DR, got a DB coach...

June - Present - WAH is in CA almost every week for "work"

Aug - Find more evidence of an A.

Sept - In MC I asked about his female friend in CA - He said this girl had been a good friend of his and he realized he could have fun with her and not walk on eggshells. He'd been on a "few" dates with her. This OW is a former co-worker.

Currently he is pressing to move forward during this holiday season. However, he has yet to file.

I'm sure there's more that I will post later... Thanks for reading!
Posted By: Cadet

Re: My story of WAH - 12/05/14 02:58 PM

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.


Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Posted By: seaspin

Re: My story of WAH - 12/06/14 01:51 AM

Saw WAH at my children's dance recital. He didn't come sit by me, but he stood a few feet away, rather than on the other side of the room. He tried to get D1 to come to him, but she didn't want to have anything to do with him. Unusual - maybe it was just the time of day, or the setting.

Our interaction was friendly. As I watched my children dance, I was so proud of their accomplishments. It was sad that I couldn't share those feelings with WAH. His demeanor was pleasant and he smiled at the kids. It's almost like "the old H", yet not... We had just a little bit of chit chat centered around the kids and their dance.

It's such a disconnect when interactions like this one are nice, but then whenever he brings up relationship talks (usually through email) he's as cold as ice. Even during MC, he was cold.

I guess if I were properly detached, it wouldn't matter what his mood was. But, when he's nice, you think oh, maybe this is a good thing for our future, but then you get hit with reality when he turns into his cold self and mentions proceeding with D or mentions all the things I've done wrong.

Even after all these months, I'm still in shock when his "cold" self comes out. How can someone who used to be so kind and loving, just turn on you or spew so much anger at you? I think I'm just in a down mood since WAH mentioned proceeding with D during the holidays. Really? Why be so cruel?
Posted By: seaspin

Re: My story of WAH - 12/06/14 07:59 PM

4 months ago, when WAH was buying furniture for his apartment, he also purchased a bookshelf that I've been wanting for a long time. The understanding was that I would pay him back plus go 1/2 on the truck he rented to carry the furniture. After he delivered the bookshelf, I texted asking for the amount so that I could pay him. No response.

He just now emailed asking for this money. The email also talked about moving forward with the D. He wants to get started now, wants his $ back for the bookshelves, AND put a dagger in there about how I need to put half our savings in an account that he can have access to. Said he told me to do it a long time ago and didn't. So much anger!

Backstory - 4 months ago, I tried to get him to go to a MWD intensive. He got mad that I would even think of such a thing (it's very pricey) and saw it as me trying to get him back & wasting our money. He demanded I give him passwords to all of our financial accounts since he didn't trust me. (I'm the financial bookkeeper in the family) I never did and he never mentioned this again until now - 4 months later. Why? If it's so important, why wait this long? Same with the bookshelf money. It's like he's all of a sudden woken up and shooting all sorts of daggers at me.

I'm not sure what to say about the savings yet. I don't trust him. He spent much of our savings on his new apartment after he said he was going to get everything used from goodwill. He spent marital $ on his "dates". Really, half belongs to him, but again, I don't trust that he won't spend it before the D, which means less to divide out. With our current financial situation, he deposits part of his paycheck in my account and part in his. After he purchased all his furniture and paid for his apartment, it was understood that he would live off his current "allowance". There was no understanding of how to divide out the savings yet.

I feel like he doesn't need the savings. I do since I am a SAHM taking care of 3 children without him. I'm not using it, but it's there as a cushion. He can get his share during the D. It's hard to be neutral and not resentful. I also don't want to come across as controlling. Where is the balance between controlling and just protecting myself and my kids? If he really wants half I may suggest he draw up a legal document for it as suggested by my lawyer...

The odd thing too is that he doesn't want us to use attorneys so we won't pad their pockets and take $ away from the kids. Since when is he so concerned about the kids? He spent alot on OW.
Posted By: seaspin

Re: My story of WAH - 12/08/14 05:32 AM

Had a wonderful evening out at a Christmas Dessert event at church. It was festive and fun, got to dress up... Someone who knows my situation invited me and even paid for my ticket. I'm thankful for nice people in this world!

On a side note, I asked WAH if he would watch the kids for me. He said he couldn't since he would be packing up his apartment to move into a larger one tomorrow. While I understand that he is busy, I still felt a little mad by this. It felt like he wants his freedom without the responsibility of kids. Oh well.. have no expectations right? Still... he's the dad.
Posted By: seaspin

Re: My story of WAH - 12/11/14 06:25 AM

Talked with a new DB coach last night. I thought I would try someone new and get and shake things up a little. I'm glad I did. The way the DB Coach worded some things resonated with me even if it wasn't exactly a new idea. My WAH is expecting me to act a certain way. In his head he is thinking that he knows me and that I'll never change. So when I come to a situation, I have to act differently than expected or I will justify his leaving. I know this is what DB is all about, but for some reason, the way it was said clicked more than it did before.

He also helped me empathize with WAH who is scared and afraid. The call put me in a good, hopeful mood. I also got a few ideas on 180's.

Right after my call, WAH brought the kids home. He even asked if I was ready to talk about some financial things that I had mentioned getting together about. We talked, I smiled and was upbeat. When I'm feeling really good, I tend to be a little too chatty. I tend to want to draw out the conversation. I may not wander off the topic we are talking about, but somehow I find something to chat on about. I need to find the balance in feeling great, but still reigning myself in and stop talking. This was how I was when we first started dating. Maybe there is some good in it - or I could chase him off because it may appear like I am overexcited.

Anyway, it was nice that WAH was willing to go over the financial stuff in person. Normally, he defers to email. When he comes over, he's usually in a hurry to leave.
Posted By: seaspin

Re: My story of WAH - 12/15/14 09:19 PM

The flu has hit my family. Thankfully, I only had it for 24 hours so that I was better in time for the next child to get sick. My sick day fell on H's day with the kids, so it was nice to rest without them underfoot. I missed having H take care of me and felt remorseful over the times I may not have taken care of him well when he was sick. While I didn't expect it, I noticed that he did not offer to delay his weekly business trip where OW lives in case I needed his help. Oh well... this would have gotten me down months ago, but not as much now.

While at the my house, H noticed that I had a new iPad and the kids mentioned something about a Kindle Fire. As soon as he got back to his apt, he blasted an email to me about how unfair it was that I have new gadgets yet he scrimps and saves, goes without food, etc so that he can have enough $ for his new 2 bedroom apartment - which is all for the kid's sake even though they stay over only 1 night/week. He hasn't had enough $ to buy the kid's gifts yet. I have only drafted an email back, but his sense of entitlement actually made me sad. He's not necessarily a good budgeter and I'm sure he spends $ on OW and his dates. He eats out alot, spends $ on alcohol. I budget well, save, etc. I shouldn't have to justify my purchases. Yet, I can see how they may look bad to him. I don't even have a Kindle Fire, I have a Fire TV stick instead that only cost about $15. He jumped to a conclusion and got mad about it.

Maybe it's good he's getting his feelings out. He used to hold them all in... Previously he mentioned that with all his business trips he was living off the company and had plenty of money. Which is it? He has $ or he doesn't?
Posted By: Cadet

Re: My story of WAH - 12/15/14 10:10 PM

Originally Posted By: seaspin
I have only drafted an email back, but his sense of entitlement actually made me sad.

Before you send the e-mail I suggest you post it here(no names though, and get some feedback on what you are about to send)
Do not rush to answer him and the less said the better.
Posted By: jim0987

Re: My story of WAH - 12/15/14 10:22 PM

It might not work in your situation but when my wife started to get very angry about the finances (that she was owed more, that i wasnt paying my fair share etc., that i was spending too much) I said i would be happy to sit down with all the bank statements for both of us and we could work out a solution based on actual figures

She backed down immediately and hasnt mentioned finances since.

I dont know if its only a UK thing but our politicians regularly say 'Sunlight is the best disinfectant'
Posted By: seaspin

Re: My story of WAH - 12/15/14 11:13 PM

Originally Posted By: jim0987
I said i would be happy to sit down with all the bank statements for both of us and we could work out a solution based on actual figures



Great advice! I've been thinking about saying something like this but haven't. Don't know why. Maybe it's the conflict avoider in me? I think I'm afraid he will see that I have more than I need and will adjust my portion of his paycheck. BUT, if he has something to hide, he could back down and that will take care of the issue. I need to get over my fears and just take action.
Posted By: seaspin

Re: My story of WAH - 12/15/14 11:29 PM

What WAH said:
"I have been working hard to save every scrap, skipping meals and holding off on gifts for the kids to make this move work. They were very excited to have their own rooms and a place to settle in. I am not purchasing anything that is not strictly necessary for them; it is frustrating to see you purchasing new gadgets like iPads and Amazon Fires when I am unable to buy them a Christmas gift."

My original drafted response:
"Mr. Seaspin,

Thank you for your patience and your willingness to respectfully discuss the $ for your apartment since it is coming out of savings. The ways in which you saved money is admirable. Having enough room for the kid's to move around is very important! They are definitely excited about the new apartment.

I can see your frustration about the "gadgets". However, the iPad was purchased with money I have saved from my side business. As far as the Amazon Fire, I don't have one. I did buy a Fire TV stick for about $15 since it has better parental controls than the Wii app."

_______
I don't think I need to justify my expenditures, but not sure what else to say without sounding cold. I guess I could say something instead along the lines of what Jim08987 was saying. However, now that I think about it, when I pushed him on the $ he needed for his apartment and asked how he was doing on a monthly basis and if we needed to do some financial adjustments, he said he was ok. It was just the move that put a hardship on him.

On one hand it sounds like he's ok, but then he makes statements like this where he suggests he has nothing.
Posted By: Cadet

Re: My story of WAH - 12/16/14 01:33 PM

Understand that he is running on adrenalin and emotions right now.
It is not sustainable.
So when he gets upset like that it may be momentary or how he feels at that exact time.

I would be careful about the "side business" since half of that money is his. (since you are married).

It is also possible that saying nothing might be better.
Why do you feel a need to respond to him?
Posted By: seaspin

Re: My story of WAH - 12/16/14 04:54 PM

Thanks! Good point Cadet, why do I feel the need to respond? If I'm really honest, I think it's to show him how wrong he could be from making an assumption. He didn't ask for any details, just jumped to a conclusion. (Just like what he did with our marriage) If I think about it, my reasoning for responding sounds silly and pointless. Would it really matter what I say? Probably not.

What I can take away from this is that he is watching me closely. He notices little details, which could be a plus if I am truly changing myself.
Posted By: Cadet

Re: My story of WAH - 12/16/14 05:57 PM

Originally Posted By: seaspin
Thanks! Good point Cadet, why do I feel the need to respond? If I'm really honest, I think it's to show him how wrong he could be from making an assumption. He didn't ask for any details, just jumped to a conclusion. (Just like what he did with our marriage) If I think about it, my reasoning for responding sounds silly and pointless. Would it really matter what I say? Probably not.

What I can take away from this is that he is watching me closely. He notices little details, which could be a plus if I am truly changing myself.


BINGO!
Posted By: seaspin

Re: My story of WAH - 12/19/14 07:32 PM

I didn't send the email and just left things as is.

I'm not sure what's up, but H has been on my mind alot. Before the holidays, I thought I did well not thinking about him or wondering what he was doing. I don't know if the mention of moving forward was the catalyst, the holidays, or what... It doesn't help that recently I've had quite a few good dreams of us getting back together. Although, there was one time where that good dream was shattered when he said the words "I don't think I want to be married". Even in a dream, I still felt the coldness from it.

Anyway, my mind keeps wandering to the good times and thinking of all the activities I'd love to do with him.

Last night when he picked up the kids, I was dressed up and looking like I had a party to go to, even if I didn't. I figured I can use the holidays as a great excuse to dress up and it not seem too odd of feel fake. My shirt was a little low cut and I did see H's eyes quickly avert from my shirt to my eyes and focus intently there for a bit. I'm not totally sure of the effect. I tried to look at his pupils, but he wasn't standing close enough and his glasses can hinder what I see. My DB coach mentioned pupil dilation as a sign of interest. smile

Anyway, I've been reading a book that was suggested on here about body language. His body language seemed to suggest he was closed off. Not sure what to think, just noting it.

The evening was a little weird. Normally, H parks in the driveway and he knocks on the front door (per my suggestion). This night, he came in through the garage door (he knows the garage code still). Just walked right in and said "Hello!". Given, he uses my car in the garage because it fits 3 kids and he was just at the grocery store and had to put the groceries in the van when changing cars. However, he usually still comes through the front door. Also, after dropping off the kids, he walked back out through the garage to his car. Normally, he goes out the front door. I'm not saying it means anything. Just noting something odd.

Prior to picking up the kids, he had just come from the airport arriving home from OW town. I know he had a Christmas party the night before. He looked rather tired.

Overall, I think I did pretty well. Nothing confrontational happened. Although, H did mention needing $ passively in a conversation, but didn't elaborate. Didn't look at me when mentioning it.
Posted By: seaspin

Re: My story of WAH - 12/20/14 05:19 AM

I had some thoughts... If I think of H as hurt and afraid, I actually feel some compassion towards him. He's doing the best he can with the situation.

Recently, he moved into a 2 bedroom apt vs a 1 bedroom. He wanted the kids to be able to move around more easily. He also wants to buy them proper beds, not just an air mattress and couch. I've been feeling reluctant to let him use "joint money" to pay for his new life with the thought that "it's not fair", he should use his own personal $ for his new life.

However, with this sense of compassion I am feeling at the moment toward him, I wonder if my attitude is wrong. Should I instead be affirming how great it is that he was thinking about the children when he upgraded to a larger apartment, how it's great that he wants to provide for their needs by giving them their own room with a real bed (not air mattress), etc? His LL is words of affirmation. I feel the desire to affirm him, yet I wonder if it would be like agreeing that it's ok to leave us. A 180 for me would be affirming, but is it appropriate in this instance?

My fear is being too nice and being taken in, but I don't want to have an unforgiving spirit toward him. It feels like a hard balance.
Posted By: seaspin

Re: My story of WAH - 12/28/14 06:42 PM

Just had a conversation with WAH about kid logistics this week, initiated by him.

Normal visitation schedule - Thursday evening, Friday overnight, all day Sat.

Proposed schedule:
Monday - he would like to take my van to go buy some furniture and transport it. He will take the kids with him.

Tues - He would like them for dinner. I said that I had plans and would like more advanced notice. Then he suggested why not have them spend the night Monday night and he bring them home on Tues as an alternative. Again, this is not a normal thing, so I'm left speechless trying to figure out my schedule. He's throwing me off. He says he's "trying to be flexible". I did say I had to think about it and would get back to him.

Thursday - his usual night with the kids. WAH casually says he can't do this night. I say something like, since it's your normal night, I already had something planned. He starts getting mad at this point and says he needs to leave. His hands are clenched. WAH normally doesn't give up this night, so I wonder why??? Guess it doesn't matter.

When coming up with the parenting plan with our MC, the visitation days were chosen with WAH's work schedule in mind. MC said not to expect us to drop everything if he happens to be free on another day. WAH didn't like that idea, but he agreed since he had no choice - he works out of town most of the week (with OW). He used to have Tuesday night before his "work" started taking him out of town weekly and we had to drop it so that the kids did not expect him on that day (per MC).

So here's my dilemma, I don't want him to think I can just drop everything and change my schedule for him. However, I just realized that last week, I asked him 3 days in advance if he could change his days with the kids since my family was here. Occasionally, I would ask last minute if he could take them for an extra hour. (Not often though) So... I am not practicing what I'm wanting to "preach".

The pattern with WAH is that he'll ask to do dinner on Tuesday night when he's in town. He'll either tell me the day of or the day before. Some days when he's in town, he doesn't ask and has his own plans.

After leaving the house WAH sent a text saying that 5 days notice is not "too short". How much notice do I need? Reluctantly, he said he'll make Thursday night work.

I feel like I have to do things "perfectly" so that he doesn't point fingers at me and say, well you did such and such. I think a compromise would be fair, especially since I asked him to change his schedule last minute... It doesn't make me feel better though. I struggle with setting appropriate boundaries vs just being nice and letting him have the kids when he is available.

I really don't have firm plans like I told him, but could always find something to do.
Posted By: seaspin

Re: My story of WAH - 12/28/14 10:19 PM

I've been thinking more about the conversation about the parenting schedule for this week. The approach WAH used was to list off all the days this week and tell me what he was going to do (see the kids or not see the kids). He didn't ask if it was ok that he couldn't do his usual day. He "told" me he couldn't and then "told" me what days he was going to use to make up for it. Maybe that's what bothers me. He thinks he can come and go as he pleases. Then he says that he's "trying to be flexible" as if that makes it all better and helps me out. Plus, he already told the kids.

It's really odd that he "has something to do". He usually does nothing but sit on his computer when he's in town (so I think). I wonder if OW is coming into town... refocus my thoughts onto my life, not his...
Posted By: Cadet

Re: My story of WAH - 12/29/14 01:14 PM

Maybe its time to GAL.

What are you doing for YOU?
Posted By: seaspin

Re: My story of WAH - 01/01/15 09:20 PM

Cadet, you are right. I'm usually pretty busy doing things with my kids since we homeschool. Most of my GAL activities came to a stop after Thanksgiving for winter break. Then it seemed like we were all sick most of Dec. In anycase, I def need to rethink GAL and do something. I'm focusing way too much on WAH.

Yesterday, we had a playdate. It was great talking with my mom friend while the kids played. I realized that I had forgotten about my situation while they were here. It reminded me of the importance of staying busy.

Ideas for GAL:
- Finish sewing curtains for H's old office that I repainted to make it "my" space.
- Find a class and learn a new skill.
- Exercise
- Find something to do out of the house while WAH has the kids. I'm still looking into this one.
- Do some decluttering & purging around the house.
- I usually meet up with other moms once a week with homeschool.
- Continue serving at church.
- Find time to meditate
Posted By: seaspin

Re: My story of WAH - 01/03/15 05:48 AM

New Years Day - WAH picked up the kids for dinner. He seemed grumpy and in a hurry when he came in. He comes in the front door and I ask politely if he would go out and around the house to the garage (for him to use my van) rather than walk through the house with snow on his shoes. He did that the day before and I didn't say anything even though it bothered me. Or rather, I tried, but I don't think I was confident when I spoke because I thought he might see it as criticism. Today, I was more confident having had time to practice what I would say.

I was dressed up and ready to go out and do my own thing. The kids kept asking where I was going, but I wouldn't tell them. Really, I didn't go anywhere special, just shoe shopping. But, I don't want H to know that. Shopping without kids is always fun!

WAH took the kids to a bouncy house place where he fed them dinner. This was surprising to me because he is always concerned about the cost of taking the kids to places like this and he had to pay for 3 kids, which was quite expensive plus he bought them pizza to eat. They did not go to his apartment at all. Unusual. Then when he dropped them off, he seemed in a hurry to leave. This was the night that he originally told me he had plans and said he couldn't take the kids. Once I pushed that it was his night and I had my own plans, he said he would change "this time".

After dropping off the kids, I asked about his final thoughts on doing some therapy for D7 for her auditory processing issues. We've been discussing it over the last month and he's been totally against it because there are no proven studies showing how beneficial this particular therapy would be. However, I know quite a few people who have gone through the program with good results. It's been a sticky issue because I feel like he totally dismisses my opinion and the results of those who have gone through the program. He wants solid proof, but he doesn't talk to the people I know nor does he involve himself enough to understand why D7 needs something.

One of his complaints with me in the M was that I dismiss all his ideas & opinions. Normally, I push back but this time I presented my evidence and then asked him what alternatives he thought would be best. He had no answer and finally decided to let me do the therapy. I was totally expecting he would say no, so it was def a surprise. Years before BD he would probably have said yes right away. Since then, he's become skeptical about most ideas that I have presented him.

Anyway, even though our interaction was brief, I don't think anything negative happened. He was very quiet, although briefly told me what the kids ate and that they should've gotten alot of energy out. H looked tired and was in a hurry to leave. Normally, he's not that much in a rush, although he doesn't necessarily linger for a long period of time. Just middle of the road.
Posted By: happy1

Re: My story of WAH - 01/04/15 01:58 PM

Just stopping by your thread as I saw you chimed in on Calabri's thread about the control issues. I am the same way and going to try to work on it. I will start a thread called Control and maybe we can record our efforts.

And good job of including your H in the process for D7 therapy. Keep doing what works. This seemed to work.
Posted By: seaspin

Re: My story of WAH - 01/07/15 04:46 AM

Thanks happy1.

Sometimes I feel like I take a step forward and then a few steps back with my control issues. Why can't I focus on the person or relationship rather than what is wrong? It's been 8 months since BD and I sometimes feel I am still at square one.

However, I have recently figured out one of my triggers - WAH and the R. If he says something cold or talks about D, it can push me into control mood and I get onto my kids about everything until I calm down. I guess this means I'm not quite detached.

I found it interesting that my IC said that this is the way I express emotion. One of my concerns was that maybe I was not being emotional enough over this sitch. I tend to keep my emotions in control and have an "it is what it is" attitude in front of others. I hadn't thought that maybe my desire to control was an emotional response. Some people curl up in a ball and cry when emotional. I might and I do still cry, but I tend to become more controlling. Maybe with this knowledge, it will help me in the future when the intense urge comes upon me. Looking back, I can see this response played out in various situations.
Posted By: seaspin

Re: My story of WAH - 01/08/15 09:21 PM

A conversation I overheard between WAH and D7. D7 has been taking drum lessons for a few months now.

H: You should bring your drum sticks over tomorrow.
D7: Why?
H: So you can show me what you're learning at drum lessons.
D7: Umm.... I need a drum set.
H: Oh, are you playing on a drum set now?
D7: yes....
H: Oh
(then it got quiet...)

It's just a telling conversation of how out of touch H is. WAH helped set up the drum set a few months ago since D7 needed them for her lessons. She's been playing on them ever since. In WAH's defense, someone told him that D7 would play on 1 drum for many many months, to which I said that this teacher was different, hence the need for a full set of drums. But... he forgets half of what I say anyway.

I feel sad that he's not here to listen to D7 practice and cheer her on. He has no clue what's going on in any of the kid's lives. They are not at an age to articulate themselves well, so WAH doesn't understand 1/2 of what they are saying. I guess he's ok with that or at least tells himself that. At BD, he would say, "it's the price he has to pay so that he can find happiness." I know he's trying to connect when talking to them on the phone, but it's just not the same. I guess a more positive outlook would be that at least he is talking to them on the phone. Some WAS's don't do that.
Posted By: seaspin

Re: My story of WAH - 01/11/15 04:27 AM

A vent... I was doing well with feeling good, GALing.

I feel good when WAH is in town for a few weeks at a time. When he is, he starts talking a little bit more, sharing some things going on with him. Then, he goes out of town on "business" to OW town. He always leaves on Sat after he drops the kids off. While I never asked him, when he first began leaving on a Saturday for a Monday business meeting, he told me the flights were "cheaper" on Sat. I checked, they weren't at the time he told me. I knew why he was leaving- to spend more time with OW. If he's trying to save his company $, he's really not because technically, he'd have to pay for a hotel for Sat night, which he probably isn't staying in one. He lies, yet it's not like I can't figure out what's going on. When he flies to other cities, he doesn't leave on a Sat.

Anyway, he's been in town longer than usual due to the holidays. Tonight, he left for OW town. It's like a slap in the face, that he can go and have an A, without any consequences, as if I don't know. He leaves his responsibilities and does his own thing, like it's nothing. WAH tells me about his trip. He tells me he has this meeting on Monday, another on Tuesday, will be back on this day. Does he give me details just to be nice or to make it seem like it's a legitimate trip? I'm sure he really has business meetings, but still... It's hard to know your H is going to meet up with someone else. When he's not traveling, it's easier to forget it's happening. Then there's the lying. Really? Who does he think I am? It feels like he can get away with lying.

So, he's gone to his "other life", while I try to wrangle 3 kids and get them to bed and be a responsible mom. 3 innocent kids who have no idea their dad is doing something "morally wrong". Does he not care that he's deceiving them too (not that they need or should know).

The other thing that gets me is that he has an old friend drive him to the airport. He has to know about OW, yet still stands by him. I originally found out about OW through Twitter. It's all on there (I don't read it anymore). WAH is a different person on there than he is in front of me and his family. None of his family reads twitter and I usually don't, so maybe he feels safe to "act out" on it? This old friend is twitter active so should have read all about OW. It feels disrespectful that people might know about OW, but say nothing, like it's ok to leave your wife.

Everything about this sitch just hurts. I know, I know, I should be detached. It shouldn't matter what H or anyone else does, focus on my and what I can control, but it still hurts. It feels so disrespectful. Just being real. H saying he wants a D is one thing, but bring in an A and it feels so much worse. It's a violation.

I will end on positives
- I get to see my kids go to sleep each night.
- I get to listen to the stories my kid's tell each day
- I am doing the right thing & can sleep well at night because of it.
- I will survive this and be stronger for it.

Now, if my kids go to sleep quickly, maybe I'll have some time to do something relaxing to get my mind off of H. smile
Posted By: Rick1963

Re: My story of WAH - 01/11/15 06:00 AM

A controling individual will destroy a relationship. First off I want to congratulate u on acknowledging it. Big step smile. When H has the kids you need to GAL hard. Smell and look good. Fixing the house is ok too but you need to live "La vida loca". No i dont mean hooking up. But you should experience life. Go dancing, look happy, look and feel sexy. It will make him think.
Posted By: Rick1963

Re: My story of WAH - 01/11/15 06:03 AM

Yes H having an affair is disrespectful. Set some boundaries.
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