Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: Barrybran Barrybran - A Year On - 11/26/14 09:08 PM
This is about as good a time as any to start a new thread. My last thread lasted four months so I've got a better grip on how to handle things. It's nice to have this place to air my thoughts though.

As nice as it is to air my thoughts, my wife has been reading what I've written. How much and how often, I don't know. She saw that I wondered whether she would use our kids as pawns to get her way and she called me out on it. I told her that I didn't know what to think at the moment; that she's never let me down but I don't know what she intends to do. It's a horrible feeling not trusting her but the honest truth is that I don't. She doesn't have my best interests in mind and I have to look after those.

She returned home Monday night and we spoke about our situation Tuesday morning. She stated that she wants the kids in the new town for the start of the school, which I understand. I told her that I wasn't going to sacrifice my relationship with the kids to make that happen and that I needed to be able to support myself there before I would agree to a move. She accused me of controlling things again, saying it was unfair that I had the kids and not her, etc. I told her that it was unfair but that it would also be unfair to go from going without one parent to going without the other. This continued for a while and eventually she went away and did something else for a while.

When she came back, my wife was a lot more cooperative. We worked together and came up with a solution which, while not ideal, would see the kids and I in her town in time for the new school year. I missed the kids terribly when I worked away so I understand how my wife feels. The kids miss her too so I don't mind starting afresh because it's the right thing to do by them. I did have a thought the other day that I have to figure out how much it will cost to actually move as it may have an impact on the 'when' side of things but the goal at the moment it mid-January.

In other wife-related news, she is definitely creating more distance. She has told me she wants to start dating again, she has referred to me as her "ex-husband" openly in front of me, and she is making plans to stay elsewhere when she returns home. It is approaching summer here so I am moving back into the master bedroom as it has a working fan and air conditioner and it will be far more comfortable for sleeping. It is also near the kids as the bedroom I was staying in, the guest bedroom, is at the other end of the house (and the fan doesn't work). I don't want to move as the kids will be confused and they've known it as "mummy's room" for some time now but we've had some hot nights here recently and I would like to be comfortable of a night time.

So now my next couple of months just got a little hectic. I still have work, kids, house and uni to sort out and now I can add finding new work, a new house, tidying up the current house and yard on my own, packing, moving and unpacking again. All in two months. On the bright side, my uni results are still good so I'm coping alright.

TL;DR - wife is creating more distance and I am planning on moving to her town in mid-January in time for the start of the new school year so the kids have access to both of us.
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/20/14 09:34 AM
It's funny the things you take inspiration from. I'm home alone and I just finished watching the movie 'Sex Tape'. If you haven't seen it, it's very funny. One of the more poignant lines in the movie is "people forget why they started f***ing in the first place." As funny as that line sounds, it hits home because I did forget why I got together with my wife in the first place.

Before watching the movie, I was quite reflective of where I've been and where I'm at now and admittedly, I missed my wife. Not the version of the woman who wants very little to do with me but the woman I used to talk to online and sit around watching trashy reality TV with. I even thought about our sex life and how it was compared to how it wound up. Safe to say, I forgot what I had and I took my wife for granted. She took me for granted too. We're both to blame for where we are and it will take both of us to work towards a better outcome, if my wife chooses to reconcile at some point. None of this takes away from what I did; what I did was selfish, stupid and hurtful and I deserve everything I've got. At some point though, I hope my wife and I can remember what brought us together in the first place and rekindle it. And I hope that when that happens, I remember to tell myself what I've got and to cherish it.
Posted By: Ggrass Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/20/14 11:58 AM
Nearly a year for me too, it goes faster than you think. It feels like is crawling in the early stages.

It will work out the way it will work out. It sounds like your doing well on your issues.
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/20/14 12:13 PM
Thanks Ggrass. I'm doing alright. Enjoying the separation, understanding where I've gone wrong and hoping for a better future. I'm at a point where I want things to work with my wife while understanding that we both need to make changes for it to work. I'm in but my wife isn't right now. I'm moving forward either way and hoping for the best.
Posted By: gan Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/20/14 12:20 PM
Hi Barrybran, based on the previews I saw, I'm stunned that Sex Tape has triggered such profound reflection ;-)

You sound very at peace with things, which is a great place to be. It's nice to know that there are a couple of Aussies out there who have reached that point!
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/20/14 12:32 PM
Sex Tape surprised me. Every Jason Segal movie I've watched has been humourous and a bit of a pointless boys-club film. This one was actually really funny and quite meaningful when it came to relationships, albeit in an often crude manner.
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/21/14 05:20 AM
I don't post for a month and I have a couple in a couple of days again. I've had an interesting day today. I started sorting through items in the house to make things easier when it comes time to move. I found a few sentimental items from my wife and kids and other things sparked some positive memories. It was pleasant but bittersweet. It left me looking forward to seeing my wife and kids later in the day.

So much for that! There was no sign of my wife or kids after lunch so I went to the shops to grab a couple of things and they were home by the time I got back. My wife didn't acknowledge my presence, only spoke to me when we were sorting out Christmas presents and then bailed me up over things family members have said to her that I supposedly said (that were misinterpretations or straight out lies). I was pissed off and told my wife that the information she received was false, clarified what I had in fact said, re-clarified what I'd told my wife of our current situation regarding the kids. I also told her that I had made many mistakes in our time together, learned my lessons and that I was trying to rebuild relationships, not tear them apart again.

Currently, I am waiting for government support to be approved before I start looking for a house and work in my wife's town. I've told my wife that I won't sacrifice my relationship with my kids and that neither the kids nor I will be moving until I'm confident that I will be able to support myself in the new town. I am aiming to move in late January in time for the start of the new school year but am prepared to wait until Easter if need be.

Somehow, this got twisted into a guaranteed move or me sending the kids to my wife while I stayed here. I was livid when I heard the second part, especially as I told my wife very assertively that I would not be sending the kids to my wife's town without me as it would transfer my wife's problems (missing the kids) onto me. My wife didn't have much to say about that and neither did I after that.

Later, she washed her car while I sat inside. I decided to go and help her because I don't want to be petty. I'm not going to stoop to everyone else's level. I've made my mistakes in the past and I'm determined to be a bigger, stronger person moving forward. While I was out there, my wife was being rude to me and I called her out on it. She wasn't impressed but she started speaking to me more nicely. I'm not going to put up with substandard behaviour towards me anymore. We both accepted far too much negative behaviour towards each other and there's no need for it. I am going to treat her more respectfully, as she deserves, and I expect the same in return.

My wife is heading home again now so it's just the kids and I for the afternoon and the next couple of days. Christmas was aready going to be awkward enough and now it's just going to be downright uncomfortable. I know I screwed up but I'm over the negative behaviour from her and everyone else.

All in all, I stand by my decision to recommit to my family. My wife may not want to be a part of it right now and that's her decision. I know I'll be fine whatever the outcome but I do hope that my wife comes around eventually. Right now, I just want to get to the new town and start my new life.
Posted By: Lostforwords Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/21/14 12:25 PM
B,

Let your actions define how people perceive you, let good moral value define the path you follow, and let your principles be the light through the darkness........Remember words are hollow, manipulations transparent, and the low road is dirty.

Rise above others...and BE THE CHANGES YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD!.

All else will fall into place as it should my friend...as it should.
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/21/14 12:51 PM
Thanks for your input, LFW. It's nice seeing you in here again.
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/23/14 10:34 AM
I was thrown another curveball today. My wife's friend offered to look after the kids while I was at work so when I dropped them around, she brought up Christmas details as we have both been working through my wife and everyone has different information about the day.

Once we cleared up the plans, I raised with her the conversation I'd had with my wife on Sunday about things I'd said that had gone around a circle and back to me with some untruths. I said that whatever had been said between my wife and her friend was between them but that being the central figure in my kids lives now, that I was trying to work more closely with my wife's friend and her mother, as for all intents and purposes, they are family and I had failed to do so in the past.

We had a brief deep and meaningful about the situation, not my relationship with my wife, but the dynamic between all of us and how it would affect relationships, particularly as relationships will change when the kids and I move. To her credit, she listened and expressed her thoughts without berating me, which she would have had every reason to do so, particularly given what I'd put my wife through.

I felt a lot better after the chat. Whilst I have to be careful what I say to her and her mother, it's taken me a long time to understand that they too are family and that whilst I had previously tried to segregate them, they are an important part of my kids' and wife's lives and I would like to rebuild my relationships with them as much as I would with my wife. I can't blame them if they keep me at arms distance given the way I have treated them but they have been excellent so far since my wife has been away.
Posted By: Ggrass Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/23/14 12:21 PM
Originally Posted By: Lostforwords
B,

Let your actions define how people perceive you, let good moral value define the path you follow, and let your principles be the light through the darkness........Remember words are hollow, manipulations transparent, and the low road is dirty.

Rise above others...and BE THE CHANGES YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD!.

All else will fall into place as it should my friend...as it should.


This is just so true it wants repeating.^^^^
Posted By: edz Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/23/14 12:31 PM
Very true words indeed, odd but after 13 years of marriage (and most of those were very good - I'd say its the last 4 or so that issues crept in) it took all this happening for me to start to realise who I am again, possibly even moreso that I did before meeting w. No real idea who this Edz is going to end up being (beyond the mundane stuff like work) I'm still cooking at the moment...
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/26/14 04:41 AM
Just a quick vent...

My wife is displaying some really ugly behaviour. I was dreading Christmas because we were spending it together and I didn't know how things would be between us. She was as cold as ice the whole time. She didn't ackowledge my presence much of the time and when she did speak to me one-on-one it was very negative. Our time together ended last night when putting our kids to bed. My wife wondered aloud whether D3's bed sheets needed to be changed as she'd wet herself the previous evening. I washed her sheets earlier in the day and said "it's fine" to my wife. When she dismissed what I had said, I snapped back again "it's fine". Not DB, I know, but I've had enough of being ignored and I'm standing up for myself more often.

My wife was due to travel back to her town today and was going to wait until I had returned from work to leave. Something came up so she left the kids with family and left town early. No biggie. Until I got home and found the letter she'd written me.

She accused me of telling the kids things about the upcoming move. I can only imagine that the kids may have said something about my wife being around because in the letter she alludes to me telling the kids things about her not being around. I don't know what she is talking about so I've asked for clarification. I have tried to prepare the kids for the move as best as possible: things like spending more time with Mum, being at new schools, living in separate houses, etc. Certainly nothing negative. Hopefully I'll get a response soon but I can only assume that something has happened today to garner such a response.

I'm not happy with it. It drives a bigger wedge between us and it makes the move a lot harder if I don't have her support. Unfortunately, that only hurts her but I understand very well that I'm the bad guy whatever way this plays out. I can't talk to family either which is a shame as they have been fantastic with me despite the fact that I've treated them poorly as well. In fact, I had a really good Christmas because instead of dismissing me, they've had open hearts and minds and welcomed me in even more than before. I'm very grateful for this and I'm determined to continue to build my relationships with them as well.

Anywho, I'll be back later no doubt. Stay tuned!
Posted By: Ggrass Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/26/14 05:09 AM
Well the kids will have questions and they will also make their own minds up.

It happens, and they often don't get the jist of things like adults. Guess she's seeing the natural consequence of her action there, perhaps she's not liking it.
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/26/14 05:55 AM
I don't know, G. I'm trying to prepare everyone as best as I can without getting people's hopes up or disappointing people. This doesn't just involve my wife and I as our kids are very close with other family members here. To shut them out, make the decisions and then pack and go would be very distressing on both the kids and other family. At the same time, I know how my wife feels because I worked away from home for the equivalent of 1.5 years of our time together.

I'm trying to get this resolved as quickly as possible because it's best for the kids that they have access to the both of us. At the same time, my wife treating me poorly isn't helping.
Posted By: claire7 Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/26/14 06:03 AM
Barry,
May I ask why you answered "it's fine" (which can be interpreted in multiple ways) instead of just answering her question?
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/26/14 06:13 AM
She wasn't asking me a question; she was speaking to D3 at the time. I could have stayed quiet and let her figure it out, and perhaps I should have. I knew that D3's bed had been changed so I let my wife know. In hindsight, I could have been more clear.
Posted By: claire7 Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/26/14 06:35 AM
I can imagine that "it's fine" could mean that the sheets don't need to be changed. It could have sounded very dismissive of her. You wrote a few posts up about being more respectful to your W. I think a simple answer like, "oh, I already changed them" would have been respectful. That's what "being the change you wish to see" could have sounded like.

It's hard in those moments, when we get flooded by emotions, but I think you do have a chance--through your actions--to change the dynamic with your W. And even if the M ends... isn't it better to model forgiveness and respect to your kids?
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/26/14 06:59 AM
Thanks for pointing that out. For the most part, I'm a lot stronger and living a lot more positively than I have in the past. This interaction shows I still have a ways to go, particularly in staying present in the moment and choosing more constructive communication.
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/27/14 11:16 PM
It's amazing the things you find when sorting out your house. I just found a Valentine's card from my wife's Dad to her mother. The message inside reads:

How often we wish for another chance
To make a fresh beginning
A chance to blot out our mistakes
And change failure into winning
And it does not take a NEW YEAR
To make a brand new start
It only takes DEEP DESIRE
To try with all our heart
To live a little better
And to always be forgiving
And to add a little "sunshine"
To the world in which we're living
So never give up in despair
And think that you are THROUGH
For there's always TOMORROW
And a chance to start anew

(Helen Steiner Rice)

Sent to you for friendship's sake
With all the good wishes a heart can make


The tone of this card tells me it may have been sent after my wife's parents separated. She would have been 10 or 12 at the time which makes this card nearly 20 years old. I didn't get to spend much time with FIL but it's funny the similarities I've found between us since his passing. My wife adored her father and continues to talk about him regularly.

That's all I wanted to share. I feel a little emotional reading it but I'm glad I did.
Posted By: gan Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 12/27/14 11:22 PM
It's a beautiful poem, Barrybran. Thanks for sharing!
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 01/11/15 04:55 AM
Journaling:

My wife is in town and stopped by home just now. I wasn't expecting to see her at all this weekend but she came to grab something and I happened to be home. I have been talking about the move with my kids and I floated the idea of my son spending one-on-one time with myself and my wife as he has missed out on this with the girls growing up and him starting school. He mentioned it in front of my wife today and she grilled me about it when she saw me.

She feels as though she's out of the loop. I get that. I have tried to include my son in things as he's getting older and understanding more. My wife took offence that I discussed it with him before her. I'm getting frustrated by the giant stone wall she's put up. It gets us nowhere. I told her I don't feel that I can approach her with anything and that it's easier to wait until she's ready to talk about things before I discuss them. I really hate her attitude at the moment and it makes me not want to move. That's not fair on the kids though and I'll go ahead with the move because it's the right thing to do. I just wish she would cool the f*** down though.

Oddly enough, I haven't missed her recently. I've felt at peace with her not being around. Yes, the same old line from me applies in that she's my wife, I want things to work out and I believe they can. She's making things damn hard though and I feel more in control of my life without her around than I do with her around. This is a good thing. I do wish she'd get off the "moving forward with my life" train though because it's not getting anyone anywhere; it's just creating more trust issues and creating a bigger divide as opposed to dropping the attitude and working together as a team.

I'm due to take the kids up to her town next Sunday and right now, I'm not sure I want to. Again, I will do it because it's the right thing to do but I won't be putting up with negative behaviour for three days. I've come too far for that.
Posted By: Faith2b Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 01/11/15 06:16 PM
Barrybran reading the superman book you recommended to someone on this site. I actually am a female my eyes are as big as a house. Its really opening me up. Wow!!

Thanks for the suggestion!
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 01/11/15 11:26 PM
Are you referring to Way of the Superior Man, faith?
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 01/12/15 01:06 AM
I wouldn't mind some feedback if any has some. I've discussed with S7 the prospect of spending one-on-one time with both W and I when we do eventually move to my wife's town. I hadn't brought it up with my wife and S7 told her in what she described as a "this is going to happen way" even though I told S7 I'd have to discuss it with W first.

She wasn't happy about this and told me to discuss these things with her before discussing them with the kids. I get where she's coming from. I barely speak to her though and I do want to try and include S7 in some plans where appropriate and I don't feel this one was out of line. My wife does however.

Any thoughts?
Posted By: Faith2b Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 01/12/15 02:18 AM
Yes the superman book!! Awesome. Well my 2 cents about plans. Yes they should be discussed between u and w. At the moment I can see that it's hard to make indefinite plans when you are so far from eachother and the current circumstance. I think that this will be a great way to show her you have improved in your communication. But this may be best answered by expert db's
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 01/12/15 02:33 AM
Thanks for your input, Faith. I'm not so concerned about the DB side of things but more the co-parenting side of things. My wife and I are both very strong headed people and I'm just trying to do the right thing by everyone involved while being strong to my own values. At the moment, that's proving to be a challenge.

As for the book, yes, it is awesome. I was struggling with the whole "who am I", "what do I want" and "how do I handle this situation" questions several months ago when Lostforwords pointed me in the direction of this book. It cleared up a hell of a lot for me and completely changed my outlook on several aspects of my life, not just my relationship with my wife.
Posted By: SunnyB Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 01/12/15 02:46 AM
Sorry, Barrybran, siding with the W on this one. Discuss things with her before bringing them up to the kids. You told S you had to discuss it with W first, and now if it doesn't happen, she's the bad guy. Not cool.

My H currently has our D12 5 days every two weeks. Recently, I offered him another day, to try to get the percentage closer to 50/50. He surprised me and said no. Thank goodness I hadn't said anything to D12, can you imagine how rejected she'd feel?
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 01/12/15 02:49 AM
Fair point. My wife said the exact same thing about being the bad guy. Thank you so much for your input.
Posted By: gogofo Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 01/12/15 05:45 AM
I agree with the others and it could also be taken as setting a trap for your wife that is a lose lose situation.

It could also potentially hurt your son or create some mistrust between you and him or him and your wife, but live and learn.

I read some blurbs about the book mentioned above and I think I will have to read it this week while the W is away. I need to be more manly and less passive, so hopefully it will help with that and also with the questions it helped you with.
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 01/12/15 07:58 AM
Hmmm, she mentioned about setting a trap too, though not in those words. Ok, so I've definitely stuffed up but didn't intend to. Back to the drawing board then smile
Posted By: gan Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 01/12/15 08:04 AM
Stuff up...or opportunity to tell her you thought about it some more and understand her perspective. From now on you agree that it is a good idea to talk first etc etc
Posted By: gogofo Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 01/12/15 07:07 PM
Originally Posted By: ganb8te
Stuff up...or opportunity to tell her you thought about it some more and understand her perspective. From now on you agree that it is a good idea to talk first etc etc


I like this^^. Shows respect and willingness to see her perspective. Would that be a 180 for you?
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 01/12/15 09:16 PM
Possibly. I don't know to be honest. I always felt I was pretty good at seeing her perspective and my bigger issue was how I acted upon that. It's all something to work on I guess.
Posted By: Lostforwords Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 01/13/15 02:28 PM
B,

You did screw up, but not in the communicating with the wife. You screwed up communicating with you son. Remember that you talk from the position of things you control...not from the position of things you don't control. While I agree your son needs some one on one....all you should have brought up is one on one time between you two (thing you control) and left the wife out of it. If your son then brought up your wife, then you mention that he should discuss that with his mother. Even if you brought it up to her before hand, it is still kind of trapping her into a situation where she needs to do one on one time and can be viewed as guilting or manipulative. You talk for yourself in the singular....not as combined parents.

This situation happens a lot here...Kids want to have a sleep over on the ex's weekend. I tell them to discuss it with her, as it isn't my choice or decision to make.

The argument is just a symptom of the problem my friend.

The superior man is an excellent book Faith.....A lot of couples read it together actually. Some of it does have to be taken with a grain of salt though LOL
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 01/21/15 06:31 AM
Thanks again Faith2b, rppfl, gogofo, Ganba8e and LFW. After a few days off I can see where my wife, and all of you, are coming from regarding how I handle kid-related things with my wife. At the time, I was seeking advice on how to handle these situation with my wife. What I didn't mention was that my wife and I got into a yelling match at my instigation. I was adamant that she was going to treat me better than she has and she was adamant I would run things by her before discussing them with the kids. Not my finest hour. I sent her a message some time later apologising for my bahaviour but the deed was done. I stuffed up and there's no excusing that.

After reviewing everyone's messages, I reflected on recent incidents and how I'd handled them. There was a strong theme of losing my patience and being unnecessarily firm with my wife. I have struggled walking the line between standing up for myself and going with the flow for the benefit of everyone concerned. I do feel very strongly that my wife has treated me poorly of late but I should have handled this so much better than I did.

Fast forward to the past couple of days and I took the kids up to see my wife for the first time since she moved to her new town. I wasn't looking forward to it one bit as we'd barely spoken since the latest incident. To my surprise, the time away was pleasant. My wife and I largely kept to ourselves, did things together with the kids and also had our own time with the kids. I left her town feeling positive that we could make these visits work.

Only a couple of negatives came up. My wife asked me when the local town show was on, which I told her, and she asked her friends on Facebook later on that night. I get that; she doesn't trust me. I decided to leave it as she would get her answer and it wasn't worth sparking negativity over. The other one was she broached the subject of dating. She cited not wanting to be "blindsided when the kids tell her about Daddy's special friend" one day. I told her that whilst I understood her feelings at the present time, I wasn't going to do anything to further divide our family and that I hadn't given much thought to how to handle dating. I told her I would cross that bridge when the time comes. I'm not sure what to make of things as her job is a stepping stone and dating really doesn't make sense for either of us for the foreseeable future. I'm not sure how I will handle things if I find out she is dating at some point.

On a strange side note, I mentioned the move throughout the weekend and she said that she was in no rush for it to happen. This was really strange to me as she pushed pretty hard to have the kids with her prior to the school year starting and now is prepared to wait. Part of me wants to run with this and maintain the status quo and just get on with my life. I understand why I am making this move though and I feel very strongly that it is the right thing to do for the kids; they deserve their mum no matter how I feel or how she treats me. There's a lot of work to do in the meantime though.

On a positive note, I've received a confidence boost of late. A couple of times I've been out I've received some smiles from women. I've not acted on them; I'm adamant I want to see things through with my wife, but it's a nice feeling nonetheless.
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 02/09/15 11:39 AM
It's already been three weeks since my last post. Gee, time flies. I'm on uni break, my kids are back at school and my wife was in town this weekend for D4's first day at school. Everything has been going well aside from my work hours resembling a yoyo; my house is clean, my kids and I are getting along great and getting them back into a school routine has been quite easy. This weekend posed a few threats but I navigated them really well.

My wife stayed with other family on Saturday so I didn't see her until she arrived at my place with my kids and nieces at lunch time on Sunday. She was in a huff so I greeted the kids and carried on with what I was doing. She was quite rude when she spoke to me so I briefly answered any questions she had and went back to what I was doing.

Later in the day, my wife and kids came home for a bit but I was asleep as I had started work 6am both Saturday and Sunday. D3 popped in to playfully say hello but left again so I went back to sleep. When I woke, they were gone again. Fast forward to dinner time and I checked in with my wife who said they were having dinner elsewhere and would be back later. Having the kids out on a school night is not something I'm comfortable with as it upsets their routine but I let it slide and did some things around home.

W and kids come back later, baths and bedtimes are sorted and my wife asked about things I had placed in piles in the spare room. I said I had sorted some things out and that her things were in one section and joint things were in another section. She berated me for going through her things and I stayed calm, stated that I was sorting through the house and tried to pile her things as best as possible in one place. She continued to berate me and I closed the conversation and left. I understand where she is coming from but when I move, I'm the only one here to sort and pack things so I feel I've done nothing wrong. Once the kids were in bed, I retired to my room for the night rather than hanging around the living areas.

This morning was the big day; day one of D4's schooling life. She was so excited to be going to big school. My wife organised uniforms and lunches, I arranged breakfasts and everything was running smoothly. My wife and I still hadn't communicated properly since she'd been home but we kept out of each other's way and the morning went well. Come drop off time, we went to school as a family and since the kindergarten class started later, we accompanied my son to his class.

My wife asked if she could take our son to class as I got to do it all the time. I was caught off guard but kept calm and stated that I was going that way too as I had things for S7's class, including a substantial sum of money I wanted to make sure got to his teacher. My wife didn't say anything after that and we all walked with S7 to his class where, thankfully, I was able to hand over S7's school money in person! One relieved, short-for-cash Dad here!

Once the bell sounded, S7 went to class and the rest of us went to the kindergarten area. W spent time with our daughters while I sat in the shade before D3 came to play over near me. As much as W had been rude to me so far this weekend, this was her time and I left her to it. As the teachers were collecting the kids for class, we gave D4 hugs, saw her off and my wife dropped me back home before heading out with D3.

It was a good day at home. Clean house, too hot for yard work, and my wife had confirmed she wasn't pursuing a job in (yet) another town so I spent my morning relaxing, reading up on my next lot of uni units and looking for jobs/houses in W's town. W came home later in the morning and spent the next hour on the phone to government agencies due to stuff ups concerning our kids and her financial situation (mine was correct). When she got off the phone, she made comments such as "if things become an issue, I'll just take the kids with me." I listened and validated, didn't buy into her comments and reminded her that we would be in her town soon. I know I'm not her favourite person right now and I have some issues not being the biological father of my two eldest children but statements like "I'll just take the kids" don't sit well with me. I've told my wife repeatedly that the more help I get, the faster things move and the less help I get, the slower things move. I've also told her that I will not just hand the kids over as that transfers her problems to me rather than solving the problem of both of us being able to spend time with the kids.

My wife left shortly after the phone call so I retreated to my room to play video games and stayed there even when my wife came back. Come the end of the school day, we picked up the kids, W suggested buying ice creams and taking them home and she spent a final hour with them before leaving. This turned out to be the hardest part.

D4 immediately broke down and tears welled in W's eyes. D3 was stoic and S7 was good until he went to pull away from W and broke down himself. From there, W, S7 and D4 cried, D3 joined in shortly after and my wife had to pull herself away just to get into the car. I remained calm, tried to comfort the kids the best I could and managed to get outside before I started to feel it. With my wife in the car crying and all three kids clung to me bawling, I started to well up myself. W left and I went back inside to cuddle the kids while watching TV until it got too hot to be pinned down by them. They were fine after a short period and things got back to normal.

These are the parts that worry me most. The potential crazy ideas my wife may have; the reminders that I really don't have the money to pull this move off but it's best for the kids; the likely 'don't care about your problems as long as the kids are with me' attitude of my wife both now and especially when I move. I can only control my own finances, which I'm trying to do, but I am already screwed, have put away enough to enjoy the trip across the country for my brother's wedding (just over two weeks away and in four weeks time, it's a memory... finally), and file enough away to afford advance rent and bond on a new house. I can't afford any financial surprises and if the move is delayed beyond Easter, I'm sure my wife's opinion of me will continue to decline even though I shouldered the bulk of our financial burdens in the past 12 months and lack the income to rectify it.

I'm at a position now where I just don't trust my wife and that affects my move. I would like to find a nicer home for the kids and myself but that requires a job or some support from my wife. Neither of those things are guaranteed so I'm looking at roughing it for a while, working on finding a job and powering through uni while looking after the kids. The biggest hurdle at the moment is finding a place I can have my dog as pet-friendly properties aren't widely advertised here.

I'm sure everything will fall into place but there is a lot of uncertainty over the next two months. On the bright side, I have managed my finances well enough recently that I can afford to enjoy my holiday without guilt (can't go stupid but I don't have to stress about an ice cream here or an activity there). I'm really looking forward to seeing my family and seeing what has changed in my home cities. Two weeks on Wednesday; can't wait.
Posted By: Ggrass Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 02/09/15 01:31 PM
It's funny how things change Barry I remember last year how concerned you were of this trip. Glad it's ok.

As for pet rentals. Some advice, see all rentals weather or not pet friendly. Make sure you meet with land lord.

You can explain your dog and offer refrences in person. If that's doesn't work you can ask on the Australian dogs online forum for help or leads. Depending on dog. Sadly smaller dogs get a better chance than bigger ones. Swf pulls sway. While that can stand for small white and fluffy.
It can aka as small wooffy and ferocious.

Believe ist possible and you will find away. Rural outskirts of town too can often be harder to rent there fore more easy going to keep your dog. As a good tennat it will be easier.
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 02/09/15 09:31 PM
Thanks G. My dog is small so he shouldn't be a problem. Depends on how antsy landlords are really. The biggest issue is finding a place that fits my budget that also allows pets. Should be a fun time *groan* smile

As for the holiday, I'm still looking forward to it being in the rearview mirror more than when I'm actually there but I have managed to sort things out to the point where I can enjoy my time there without any guilt about spending.
Posted By: Ggrass Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 02/09/15 11:38 PM
That's a postaive step. It will be hot over there.

As I said look at every thing, every thing. You can always included a carpet shampoo on exit at your expense to saistfiy the land lord.

Tell your mind you will find a solution. They will come. Try face book local pages like for sale, we have a few in our area that act like a type of notice board. You can ask for help, there are plenty of fixers out there who would love to give you a heads up.

You sound like a fairly switched on bloke Barry.
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 02/10/15 12:25 AM
Hot is good. Living so far inland it'll be nice to have beach weather for the duration to take the kids. The downside will be the wedding also being on the beach and everyone being dressed to the nines and NOT being able to go for a swim. I'm not sure how well thought out the location was but we'll roll with it and the ensuing kid-complaints haha.
Posted By: Ggrass Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 02/10/15 12:30 AM
Perhaps they might get to swim.

Say hello to kings park for me! I loved that place. If I make it back to Perth I want to go back. No question.
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 02/10/15 10:31 AM
I'm keen to go to a lot of places. Perth barely changed for two decades and as soon as I move to the east coast a bunch of stuff changes. My home town, though... not so different to when I lived there.
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 02/11/15 05:36 AM
So, my boss threw a spanner in the works today. I had been planning on moving to my wife's town at Easter however money is so tight that any financial surprise would mean not having enough money in time, having to stay put and dealing with a potential fallout. Today, my boss informed me that she has a surgery booked for mid-May and she needs to train someone to look after the store while she's gone.

No biggie as I should be gone by then. Or so I thought. After about twenty minutes I had a light bulb moment. My boss said that she would have to give more hours to the person she trains up and, being the most expensive staffer other than her, I would lose hours. I understand this. It's business and my boss has a job to do. My light bulb moment was that if I lose hours, I won't be able to save enough money for the move and I'd be stuck here anyway.

So that was an unpleasant thought. It appears as though I need to plan to stay until mid-year, help my boss out, build up my finances and then move or sacrifice hours, lose income and not afford to be able to move anyway. I'm pretty comfortable with the work side of things but I do want to get the kids to where my wife is ASAP and this makes things harder. I'm OK with it all feelings-wise but I do have a little anxiety about how I'm going to scrape together enough money in time or worse, negotiate with my wife to make the move mid-year instead. Fun times!
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 02/22/15 04:46 AM
Another couple of weeks since the last update. Things must be settling down a bit. I'm on the way home from a visit with my wife, or more accurately, my kids visit with her. My wife wasn't able to make it home this weekend so I met her at a town half way. She asked if there was anything I could do while she spent time with the kids so I took the hint, left them with her and went and did my own thing.

I enjoyed wandering around by myself. I didn't enjoy the drop off so much. My son and eldest daughter broke down again and my son was inconsolable for about fifteen minutes. I hate seeing them like that. It's about six weeks now until school breaks up so hopefully I can find a place, get up there and the kids will be happier. Hopefully my wife jumps off the hate train too but I'm not expecting that :-)

On a positive note, my holiday is in three days and I'm getting excited now. I need to see my family as well as have some proper down time and fun with the kids. There's a lot of potential awkwardness to negotiate with my wife's side of the family but I think I'll be alright. I'm just looking forward to getting over there and getting away from life for a bit. When I come back it'll be a week and a half until D4's birthday and her party will be the weekend after that. Then it's on to the move.

In other news, I got my latest round of uni results back and they were excellent. This trimester was the first whole trimester without my wife around as well as having Christmas, school holidays and back to school. I'm very happy to have been able to negotiate those events and come out with the results I have. I'm one mark shy of averaging a high distinction (perfect GPA in GPA land) so I have a new goal to improve that average.

For now though, roll on Wednesday.
Posted By: gogofo Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 02/22/15 04:58 AM
Barry, wish I had some advice for you or some valid input but I don't. Just wanted to say it is very commendable that you are doing so well juggling work, DBing and school and doing well at it to boot. Hope your vacation goes well. I understand your apprehension about the in-laws, but I am sure once you get over the initial meeting every thing will fall into place.

Good luck and have fun.
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 02/22/15 08:11 AM
It's all good. I can handle the in-laws. Its the wife that I'm not sure about. She called just now and wasn't going to speak to the kids and risk them breaking down again. As much as it svcks to see, the kids are always fine after 15 minutes. They talk about their Mum a lot but the only time they cry like that is when they part and its all over quickly. It's the last thing my wife sees though so I can only imagine that she feels the situation with the kids is different to what it really is, which I can't blame her for. I did explain this as briefly as I could just now. I don't think its right to say "they're fine" but at the same time, they are. What she sees is just a snippet. In six weeks, I should have a new house and in eight weeks, the kids will be spending half their nights with my wife and hopefully, fingers crossed, all will be back to (a new) normal.
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 02/22/15 09:19 AM
When it rains, it pours. I just got the strangest call from my wife. She called to say that her sister and our babysitter have been badmouthing my wife to other people, allegedly saying she's a bad mother and that she's a slvt. I didn't know how to respond because that doesn't sound like things my babysitter would say. My SIL, oddly, would say things like that. There are reasons behind it but my wife isn't either of those things.

My babysitter was due to look after my kids tomorrow night. I can't afford to give up shifts just because my wife doesn't want our kids around certain people but I also have to respect my wife's wishes. That puts me in a bad spot because I have to find other people to look after the kids and I have to cut my babysitter loose, and take away her income, until we get to the bottom of things. I don't feel that it's fair on my babysitter but there will be hell to pay if I continue with her in the short term.

Two months. Two whole months and I'd be in the new town and only have my wife to deal with. I don't even have to be involved in a story for it to affect me these days. Roll on Wednesday!
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 02/22/15 10:14 AM
My wife wound up calling back to say that she would speak to our babysitter tomorrow, and to keep her on for now. She also said some other things about people around us that are rather concerning as well as having to speak to me another day about things I've said. I tried to validate but what she was saying was way out of left field and pretty complicated stuff, particularly as it doesn't directly affect my wife, myself or our kids.

To make matters more complicated, my wife suggested that she may move back here in April instead of me moving there. That doesn't really solve anything and I reiterated that I was moving there unless something changed in the next two weeks, which of course, it won't.

Don't get me wrong, I'd love to stay as I've started to find my groove here, meet some people and I wouldn't have to move house. At the same time, these dramas will keep following us if we stay in town and job prospects are terrible, which is why my wife moved out of town to begin with.

All in all, a pretty complicated day that will roll into the next couple of days. Somehow I'm in the middle even though I have no idea exactly who has said what or why. My wife's answer when things come up is to "take the kids" away, which of course, will create more problems.

Roll on Wednesday and roll on Easter... and roll on 20[insert a year other than 2015 or 2016 here].

People. Sheesh.

laugh
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 02/23/15 10:53 AM
Yesterday's bag of crazy was followed up with another bag today. Everyone settled down, other family stepped in and everything went back to normal. Long story short, my SIL and her friend, both in their mid-30s had another of their usual high school drama fights and this time, decided to drag everyone they knew into it. My wife overreacted to the situation threatening our babysitter's job and in turn, my ability to work. My wife hasn't spoken to me today but all I know is that I have a babysitter and all is back to normal.

Todays bag of crazy... a customer came into work and was quite difficult to serve, chopping and changing between things. I stayed as patient as I could, finished her order and off she went. A short time later, she comes back and complains about her order blaming ME. This caught me off guard. I'm very good at my job, very attentive and have a high attention to detail. I ask relevant questions every step of the way and the order was made as requested. To have my work questioned was offensive and it took every ounce of strength not to tell her to call her out on her behaviour.

I really didn't know how to handle it. I was the only person in the store, I had followed the customer's instructions and I had to somehow finely balance between satisfying an upset customer, not giving away free food and standing up for myself. I wound up calling my boss because, as I said to her, I wanted to tell the customer to F-off.

Thankfully, I stopped short of being rude to her. I did have to take a lot of deep breaths. I paused for a very long time and I wound up shaking. I just had no idea how to handle the situation. I'm very proud of my work and I'm frequently complimented on it. This was the first time in 13 months that I had a customer complain and it wasn't even my error.

I reflected quite a lot later on. Both last night and today's incidents reinforced that patience was something that I had come a long way in developing but still needed to work on. I wasn't impatient but it reminded me that I need to keep plugging away at it. It also highlighted that I travel along in life with a fairly narrow view of things. Two wild incidents occurred and I had no idea how to handle them. Both people were upset, both were aggressively telling me how to handle things and both were in the wrong and I had no idea how to handle them.

In hindsight, I still don't know what I could have done differently in each situation. Both my wife and the customer were out of line and for some reason, I felt torn between doing the right thing and doing what will diffuse the situation quickest. The customer isn't so much an issue; I can palm her off on to the boss. My wife, however, I have to work with. She's riding the hate train lately and nothing I say is getting through; which is completely expected but makes life very difficult as there are things in each of our lives that affect the other and we do have to work as a team to solve those problems. Unfortunately, her attitude at the moment makes me not want to work with her. I am thankful for family stepping in and calming my wife down. At some point, my wife needs to come to the party and work with me though.

Have I said roll on Wednesday already? smile
Posted By: gan Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 02/23/15 12:04 PM
Hi Barrybran, Sorry to hear about the rough couple of days. It's funny how these little experiences remind us of the work that still needs to be done, independent of R. I often have similar reflections.

In reality it's a lifetime of work. Even if we handle the next moment perfectly, it doesn't mean we'll cruise through the next one. Each and every moment requires conscious awareness of the need for patience, acceptance of different ways of seeing things etc. My yoga instructor said the other day - mindfulness takes a lifetime. She's right!
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 02/23/15 09:24 PM
Yeah, you've got that right. Not sure how to handle the 'be aware of the unexpected' part though smile
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 03/09/15 11:16 AM
I'll get the positive bit out of the way first. I went on holiday, my kids were angels and we had a great time. I have support on both sides of my family and they're all hoping things pan out on this side of he country.

Now the bad stuff. Things got downright crazy today. My sister in law started got engaged to, and moved in with, a man who is allegedly a registered sex offender. Her life, her choice but she has three daughters, two of whom are 11 and 12, and when child services found out, given her history with them, they arranged a mass family conference to sort the situation out (which I was not a part of).

Fast forward 7.5 hours and I have me, my kids, my wife, my sister-in-law and my three nieces staying with me. My wife asked if I would look after my nieces which I said yes to. What I wasn't told at the time was that my wife and SIL were staying too. It took a hell of a lot to STFU, calm myself down, think through things and I still don't have any ideas how I'm going to tackle the situation right now.

I would do absolutely anything for my nieces so they are no problem other than the fact that I barely have enough money to feed three kids let alone six. I'm uncomfortable with my SIL staying but part of the condition was to try and keep her family together so I can be the bigger person for the sake of her girls. I definitely don't have enough money to cover four extra people AND my housework just doubled. My wife staying, that's a completely different kettle of fish. I am not comfortable with her staying here given her attitude, she has made subtle remarks all evening about things in the house and I am damn proud of how I've managed the house and kids since she's been gone. I know she doesn't see it but I received validation from both side of our family while on holiday so I know I'm doing a lot right.

To further complicate things, my wife was already considering leaving her job (65k/year) to move back here, which I get as she loves her family and friends. The kicker for me is that one of my government payments will halve, one will come into jeopardy altogether and I cannot afford to lose a payment. It looks like I'll have to make a phone call tomorrow to find out because I could be in serious trouble even though of put every foot right these past six months.

So yeah, that's where I'm at. If anyone has any thoughts or advice on how to handle my wife in particular, I would love to know, because I'm trying to keep the path smooth but some bastard keeps throwing large rocks in my wet cement.

Happy Monday DBer's smile
Posted By: Ggrass Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 03/09/15 11:53 AM
We'll sort govt bit out first, they will be easy.

I'm not sure what to do with w! If she wanted to move back to house surely it should be as a w, not a house guest?

Perhaps it's time to do some c sessions to work out where its all going?

Not sure what else to suggest, but if w wants d and you want to gal and perhaps date her being within the house might get wild and bizarre
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 03/10/15 10:33 AM
It's been a while since you dealt with Dopeylink, huh? smile

I agree that I want my wife here as a wife rather than a houseguest. She's not here tonight but I don't know her plans for the rest of the week. She made a lot of negative comments within my earshot this morning, even saying she can't stay here, as though she was repulsed. I'm managing a half-acre block with 5-bedroom house, three kids and a dog on my own; not everything will be perfect and if I say so, I'm doing an awesome job.

Counseling is not on the cards. My wife shows mostly contempt towards me. She even mentioned divorce today for the first time, asking me to write a list of what furniture I wanted. I calmly responded that this was her choice and that I wasn't helping her, and to write a list herself if there was anything she wanted (I probably could have left this last part out smile . Her response was that we weren't getting back together which I didn't respond to.

Dating my wife is definitely not on the cards right now. I want things to work out but she is filled with so much hate at the moment that I don't like who she is right now. Until that changes, our relationship will continue to be difficult. Hopefully the fog lifts soon.
Posted By: Ggrass Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 03/10/15 10:59 AM
Nope, but centerwank is far easier to deal with than my h, I would prefer 5 rounds with them to one with him.

They at least pretend to the be helpful.
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 03/10/15 11:18 AM
True. Just a pity they're not.
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 03/10/15 02:50 PM
Journaling:

Its 1:15am here and I'm lying in bed, unable to sleep. I feel I still have jetlag as it is 10:15pm where I was last week, which is fairly early for me. I'm thinking about my wife moving back to my town and custody arrangements. Our kids will spend 50% of the time with each of us but I have this underlying feeling that coming to an agreement with my wife will be difficult. It shouldn't be; I have no reason to feel this way really. It's a nagging feeling I have.

I spoke to SIL tonight about what lies ahead. It's hard discussing something without discussing it. I feel I can't talk to anyone lately as my wife isn't interested in a word I say, someone around me has been twisting my words and my parents are cynics. They strayed into negative territory a few times while I was on holiday and I either shut them down or changed subjects. I know my wife doesn't like me much right now but she's still my wife. Speaking disparagingly about someone only does harm and the people who'll pay the most will be my kids, so I refuse to go there lately. It's meant biting my tongue a lot, particularly when talking to my wife, but it's better than saying something thoughtless or hurtful.

Being more mindful has had some funny consequences of late. An incident occurred this morning where my dog has become fond of a neighbour's dog of the opposite sex. He was trying to attract her attention today while I was hanging washing so I put him inside. My wife and D3 arrived home, the dog got out and raced next door. I'm not sure if my wife followed him but I saw no effort on her part. She hasn't been around to witness my dog's behaviour recently and she was carrying shopping inside so her priorities may have been different. After chasing my dog through two yards, catching him and bringing him home again, I was really pissed off.

I got back, dog in arm and my wife challenged me by telling me to express my anger at her. The strange part was that in a split second I calmed myself down, still very worked up, but enough that I could think straight. My wife wasn't to know that my dog was horny at the door. She explained that D3 opened the door to help my wife out and came looking for me when the dog got away. My wife was not at fault and oddly, I wasn't really annoyed at anyone in particular, just a situation that I'd rectified that got out of control without my supervision.

I'm not sure what my immediate future holds though I'm bracing for some severe turbulence. I feel very clear about what I need to do and yet I feel like a leaf in the wind, getting blown around by uncertainty at work and the unknown of my wife's actions. I have a lot of people in my corner on both sides of our family, which validates a lot of feelings about how I'm handling things but ultimately means little as far as dealing with my wife. I guess I'll just wait and see where I land.

1:45am now and still not tired :-)
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 03/12/15 10:49 AM
Yesterday was a frustrating day. I had planned my day, let my SIL know what I had planned and got into my study. 15 minutes before I left for work, my wife messages me to tell me what she was doing, plans that were not discussed and interfered with my plans. As I was going to work, I spent the next five hours on and off debating via text message and getting nowhere. She felt that because I had the kids with me for ten days last week, she should have the kids all of this week. I understand her logic however she was supposed to leave town on Sunday. I have accommodated her presence and asked for the only two afternoons I had free, yesterday and today, to spend with the kids. This was a mission. Long story short, there was an error with the roster, I relented as I had to stay an extra hour and two of the kids chose to stay with me after work anyway.

My wife didn't seem to understand my frustration about dropping plans on me without prior discussion. She would be livid if I did the same to her and I told her this. My son had a presentation at his school assembly today so we both went (in separate cars; I was at work) and after school, the two that stayed with me yesterday chose to go with my wife today. I didn't argue the point as the kids chose and I want that flexibility when my wife moves back to town, provided it doesn't interfere with existing plans or budgets (dinner planning, etc.).

When my wife returned with the kids, she made more negative comments about the yard, asked my son to tidy up some rubbish and told me that the house smelled. Granted, the yard is a mess. I live on a half acre block and it's just me so I put more effort into the inside and the kids and put away half an hour when I can to do yard work. Telling me the house smelled cut me pretty deeply as I bust my butt to provide for the kids and keep the house in good order and its still not good enough. It means I'll have to put even more effort into cleaning and my time is already stretched as it is.

Finally, my wife told me she was going to claim a government payment that is currently being paid to myself and can only be paid to one parent. Her idea is that she will claim the payment for our two elder kids, who aren't biologically mine, and I claim for the youngest, who is. I crunched the numbers and while its feasible, it doesn't sit well with me. I'll have a chance to call the relevant department tomorrow to seek clarification.
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 03/13/15 10:31 AM
I'd like some advice if anyone sees this. My wife has done some things lately that have bothered me that, in the scheme of things, are pretty minor but if they continue will cause some friction and they amount to double standards. Two days ago, I'd organised my day, let everyone in the house know what was happening, and my wife messaged me just before I left for work to tell me what she was doing with the kids, even though she hadn't discussed things with me first. Tonight, I was expecting her to bring the kids home after work as she told me she was, only to be told by SIL that the kids were staying elsewhere.

On the whole, this stuff used to happen all the time and I just rolled with it. Now, with 50/50 parenting coming up, I'd like some certainty with when I am spending time with the kids and if I changed plans on my wife the same way, she would go off her nut at me.

I don't want to pick fights, especially over little things, but I do feel the need to state some boundaries here. To add complication, she told me yesterday that she had been diagnosed with depression. Does anyone have any thoughts about how to handle stuff like this?
Posted By: Barrybran Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 03/24/15 10:38 AM
Just a little journaling... I'm thankful for the input my wife has had over this journey. She may not trust me or be open to a relationship right now but she's had a profound impact on how I've handled things in her absence these past five months. Just now, my wife was looking after our kids at my place while I was at work. I arrive home to my wife telling kids to get to bed and D5 crying. I pulled D5 in for a cuddle, explained that Mummy didn't know that we did things differently now and that she should do as Mummy told her. I quickly explained what that meant to my wife as, despite getting home at 8:30pm, I've allowed the kids to stay up with me for half an hour when I get home.

I don't think my wife was all that impressed by that but left me to it, and after some hugs and kisses from the kids, took off herself. I spent 15 minutes with the kids, catching up on their days, tucked them into bed and after a quick shower, come out to find that two are already asleep and one is quietly playing games in his bed.

It may seem strange to be thankful for my wife in such a circumstance but it was her who told me to pick my battles before she left. Some simple minor adjustments have led to happy, easier-to-settle kids rather than the old yelling matches that used to occur. My wife has only been back for a week and already she's received defiance from the kids. Me? I'm good. I just sit back, wait my turn and handle things calmly and with a cool head... and my kids respond positively.

Still a lot of chaos but I'm in a good place. Take care DBers.
Posted By: Ggrass Re: Barrybran - A Year On - 03/24/15 11:18 AM
That's nice, I wish teens were so easy.

At least there is peace.
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