DB'ing struggles...New attitude... - 11/07/14 02:37 PM
So, I thought I'd start a new thread. My old one didn't seem to be getting too much traffic.
1st thread
I have been struggling with DB’ing for the better part of 2 mo’s. I have my strong days and weak days. As time goes by, it has been getting easier to be stronger in certain areas of my whole sitch. I’m not sure if I’d call my W a WAW, given the fact that she is still in the family home.
A brief summary of the sitch: W has PA (now confirmed over), BD’s, several weeks of emotional R talk, W wants to see other people, semi sure W is dating(confirmed nothing physical, unsure of EA), now in limbo/waiting, sporadic talks of S.
I’m not sure I she would be considered a WAW, in a sense I guess she is because she WA from the R. But, she does not want to leave the family home.
There are several areas where I know I could improve on:
1. Emotional detachment. This is extremely hard for me, I was never soo needy until this all started. Fear of the unknown, fear of losing the woman I love, fear of losing my family, fear of being replaced is a constant battlefield in my head.
2. Limited unnecessary communication. We can still be cordial, playful, and semi normal at times. Convo usually revolves around how our day’s went, what the plans are for holidays, and just being goofy sometimes. I have made a huge step in not bombarding with texts in need of reassurance. Somedays, no texts at all.
3. GAL’ing. This has been a rough spot for me. For the past month or so, I have been consumed with the new house, moving out of apt. So I haven’t really made time to GAL. Another big thing is, when I do have time, the W is going out or doing something after work(going to store, eating out, visiting friends), so I cannot. I try to spend time with my S’s as much as I can, be the best father I can be. In the past couple of weeks, I have been going to the gym in the evening to, in a way, avoid the W. It makes it easier for me to not be soo needy when I don’t see her as much.
4. Snooping. Not nearly as bad as it has been in the beginning. There are times though, when I almost fall into it. Like looking at the bank statement with no intention of snooping, and red flags just pop up. Which in turn drives up my anxiety, swirling all sorts of doubts and questions in my head. It’s a sort of “I want to know what I don’t want to know” thing.
5. Anxiety. This has been a HUGE issue for me. When alone from time to time, my head starts to wander and the sitch crashes down on me like it started all over again. Bring on the tears and heartache! I start asking myself questions like; Why is she doing this? Does she not love me? Does she not care about her family? Will this fog ever end? I cannot live without here!
6. Mind reading. Different actions she takes or doesn’t take cause me to read deeper into things. When I get in to my zoned in on my DB’ing efforts, these types of things cause me to waver and give in so to speak; When I think to myself “ do not say goodnight or I love you” she says goodnight 1st. When she says I love you 1st, although I feel good about it, I over think it and wonder if she really does. When she is intimate with me, I wonder…does she really want this? Or is she using it to keep me at bay? Overall, I find myself thinking, what can I do to make this better. Even though I KNOW that I can’t do anything about it.
These things are all a work in progress. I have slowly, but surely have got better and enforcing the ideas behind DB’ing. I have a new found attitude towards this. In the beginning, nothing was showing any progress, not even the DB theory. So I was stuck in a rut of depression thinking nothing would work, my life is over yadda yadda yadda. But since I’ve taken the DB’ing principles more seriously, things have SLOWLY started to move. I think the HARDEST thing for me right now is to try and ignore the fact that I love her soo damn much, and realize that I will be fine with or without here. MUCH easier said than done.
1st thread
I have been struggling with DB’ing for the better part of 2 mo’s. I have my strong days and weak days. As time goes by, it has been getting easier to be stronger in certain areas of my whole sitch. I’m not sure if I’d call my W a WAW, given the fact that she is still in the family home.
A brief summary of the sitch: W has PA (now confirmed over), BD’s, several weeks of emotional R talk, W wants to see other people, semi sure W is dating(confirmed nothing physical, unsure of EA), now in limbo/waiting, sporadic talks of S.
I’m not sure I she would be considered a WAW, in a sense I guess she is because she WA from the R. But, she does not want to leave the family home.
There are several areas where I know I could improve on:
1. Emotional detachment. This is extremely hard for me, I was never soo needy until this all started. Fear of the unknown, fear of losing the woman I love, fear of losing my family, fear of being replaced is a constant battlefield in my head.
2. Limited unnecessary communication. We can still be cordial, playful, and semi normal at times. Convo usually revolves around how our day’s went, what the plans are for holidays, and just being goofy sometimes. I have made a huge step in not bombarding with texts in need of reassurance. Somedays, no texts at all.
3. GAL’ing. This has been a rough spot for me. For the past month or so, I have been consumed with the new house, moving out of apt. So I haven’t really made time to GAL. Another big thing is, when I do have time, the W is going out or doing something after work(going to store, eating out, visiting friends), so I cannot. I try to spend time with my S’s as much as I can, be the best father I can be. In the past couple of weeks, I have been going to the gym in the evening to, in a way, avoid the W. It makes it easier for me to not be soo needy when I don’t see her as much.
4. Snooping. Not nearly as bad as it has been in the beginning. There are times though, when I almost fall into it. Like looking at the bank statement with no intention of snooping, and red flags just pop up. Which in turn drives up my anxiety, swirling all sorts of doubts and questions in my head. It’s a sort of “I want to know what I don’t want to know” thing.
5. Anxiety. This has been a HUGE issue for me. When alone from time to time, my head starts to wander and the sitch crashes down on me like it started all over again. Bring on the tears and heartache! I start asking myself questions like; Why is she doing this? Does she not love me? Does she not care about her family? Will this fog ever end? I cannot live without here!
6. Mind reading. Different actions she takes or doesn’t take cause me to read deeper into things. When I get in to my zoned in on my DB’ing efforts, these types of things cause me to waver and give in so to speak; When I think to myself “ do not say goodnight or I love you” she says goodnight 1st. When she says I love you 1st, although I feel good about it, I over think it and wonder if she really does. When she is intimate with me, I wonder…does she really want this? Or is she using it to keep me at bay? Overall, I find myself thinking, what can I do to make this better. Even though I KNOW that I can’t do anything about it.
These things are all a work in progress. I have slowly, but surely have got better and enforcing the ideas behind DB’ing. I have a new found attitude towards this. In the beginning, nothing was showing any progress, not even the DB theory. So I was stuck in a rut of depression thinking nothing would work, my life is over yadda yadda yadda. But since I’ve taken the DB’ing principles more seriously, things have SLOWLY started to move. I think the HARDEST thing for me right now is to try and ignore the fact that I love her soo damn much, and realize that I will be fine with or without here. MUCH easier said than done.