Re: Hi I'm new, I hope I won't be a burden... prt

Originally Posted By: MrBond

"ok mrbind please give me a example.."

You have been given many already. Go back and read your posts since the beginning.

Also, if you want her to see that you are actually committed to working on things, go to C! You still keep avoiding this.

Time for you to start a new thread.

Ok i was looking to read through mine and yours as well to be honest.

Ok so wifes been acting funny didnt want 2 b on the fone n was so out of character about it.. didnt even sound like she was out.. sounded like she was in a car..

How do i block my insecurity now?

GO TO COUNSELING.

Originally Posted By: 1Wish

Ok so wifes been acting funny didnt want 2 b on the fone n was so out of character about it.. didnt even sound like she was out.. sounded like she was in a car..

So what? Who cares if she was in a train? (Or a plane or a boat?)

Who cares what her TONE was like? Why does ANY of that matter? Do you intentionally make yourself feel lousy?

To me, that's what you are doing. But Why? Iwish, Your thought process is a disturbing one.

Here^^ You "interpret" the ambient sound of OR behind a conversation with your wife, on the phone....and you read SO MUCH into it , and ALL of it is negative??--- and I can't even follow where you are going with your FEARS!... Literally, I don't know where you are headed with this crazy stuff.

but it seems like you are headed nowhere fast.

How do i block my insecurity now?

HOW?

You get help. You go to counseling. When Bond says "go to C", the "C" stands for COUNSELING.

Did you know that? So, that's the answer. You get professional help. Do you understand? How do you feel about that?

Are you going to do it, or not? IF not, why not?

You can get better, Iwish. You can grow & learn things and change...

You simply have to ACT, not talk about it. More Doing, less worrying.

Yeah i did.. i feel like i should ive spoken to my friends and every single one of them say no dont. Your wasting your money.. they are all vultures coming in at times of need and taking your money.. it doesnt put me off it though.

I dont have time to do it.. im always working 9 to 6 and then have private clients for my graphic design work that i carry out in the evenings.

I want to grow and learn and most of all change.

You guys are so right but i just dont do it.. i dont know why.. im idiot..

"I don't have time"

I said this ONCE to my DB coach early on and that was the onl time she really hit my with a 2x4. She replies "there is nothing more important in your life right now. You cannot be too busy."

Councling can take an hour a week. In the case of a DB coach it can be over the phone.

Look at it this way- if your W said she'd reconcile with you if you agreed to 1 hour/week of C for 6 months, would you do it? If not, that's not much commitment. But if you WOULD agree to that, then realize- she'll never come out and make that offer. But if you get the help you need ON YOUR OWN then you MIGHT have a shot at the outcome you want.

Of course, if you're happy to be single with a good sob story for your buddies that are telling you not to bother then don't worry about it.

Hello there, 1Wish. I have been ducking in and out of your thread for awhile -- basically because I read mostly anything 25 posts - cause, well, she basically saved my a$$ along with a crew of others (including Bond).

So regarding counseling, your friends are way off the mark...and possibly not in the same situation as you so they are in no true position to derive the value of counseling for you or not. Changing sux. Badly...it's painful, it's humiliating at times, and it can drain you emotionally - but those EXACT same words can be said about the divorce process. I have been through counseling and I have been through divorce. Care to guess which one brought my XW and me back closer together? It's a fairly obvious answer.

Counseling is a good faith sign to yourself that you are wanting and willing to change - and if you are lucky, you W too. Nonetheless, you have to admit that you have issues - which you have kinda done - but you have not necessarily DONE anything about them. Nothing proactively, anyway....that would allow you to cosign for your own actions.

Despite the difficulty of counseling and change it is THE MOST liberating experience ever. Admitting fault gives you power - the power to DO something about it. That is what I did, and that is what has made a monumental change in my situation (my XW is moving back and donated the bed from her condo and our S's bed to a refugee family today). Had I not gone to counseling and LISTENED to the people that hit me on the nose with rolled up newspapers like I was a cocker spaniel that pooped on the rug, NOTHING would have changed for me or my situation -- I assure you.

There are bad counselors out there - I had 1 or 2, but they are NOT vultures looking to take your money at a time of weakness. Wanna know who is, though? Divorce lawyers. Where do you want you want to spend your money?

You can do it. Ignore your friends. Get help. Go to counseling. It will help.

Crimson

"Yeah i did.. i feel like i should ive spoken to my friends and every single one of them say no dont. Your wasting your money.. they are all vultures coming in at times of need and taking your money.. it doesnt put me off it though."

More excuses.

"I dont have time to do it.. im always working 9 to 6 and then have private clients for my graphic design work that i carry out in the evenings."

Even more excuses. I work 8 to 5, coach 2 sports teams, make dinner every night AND have a freelance job to which I work on till 2:00 in the morning.

"I want to grow and learn and most of all change."

More BS

"You guys are so right but i just dont do it.. i dont know why.. im idiot.."

Yes you are. And the biggest tragedy is that you CHOOSE to be an idiot.

Why are you even here? You swore...SWORE that you would listen to us on here and was going to follow whatever we recommended. Instead, all we hear is more excuses like before.

We've all spent a long time writing to you and you just blow it off. Look, get counseling or your M is over. If you don't want to do the work, go ahead and file the paperwork and let your W be with someone who wants to be with her. Who wants to do the work to be a good man to her.

I'm sure you enjoy the idea of another man making love to your W and how much more passion she will feel with someone who connects with her on more than just a physical level. I mean she pretty much said that she may need you around just physically, but that can easily be replaced. In fact, she should go out with several guys and start experimenting to see who is the one that can get her off the most. Can you imagine her waking up in the morning and smiling at someone who isn't you? I'm sure she can.

But you don't seem to want to fight for that. You're more interested in arguing why you're too lazy to do anything.

1Wish,

It seems to me that you don't value your wife at all.

Based on your lack of motivation. Yah..you're 24 and a slouch.
It's no skin off my nose. Your life.

You're just cruisin' through life. How sad.

Ok im going today.. how should i go.. thinking of buying chocolates and flowers and saying its a shame that it didnt work out.. im always here if you need me. And then go..

"You guys are so right but i just dont do it.. i dont know why.. im idiot.."

1Wish. It seems to me you are afraid. Face up to it. You do need to go to a counsellor.

As your are in the UK, you can go to your GP and ask. You can even self refer.

Did you see or read the news recently about the government's attitudes towards mental health and its commitment to providing services? It was a LibDem minister who announced it. One of the few things this gov has done right.

You can also got to its good to talk and find a local counsellor. Read that site.

Choose one who does solution based/focused brief therapy. You can do it over the phone or via skype too. You won't even have to leave home.

Just do it though.

Originally Posted By: 1Wish

Ok im going today.. how should i go..

What are you asking?

"HOW" should you go? Uh, take a cab or drive...I don't get the question. You have a phone, and your gov subsidizes it, so what's the hard part here? (Other than you DOING it, and not just talking)?

Do you want us to walk you through it or what?

thinking of buying chocolates and flowers and saying its a shame that it didnt work out..

That ^^ is an odd combination of gestures, but it's also an obvious example of you pretending to detach, WHILE pursuing her, again. And wanting to engage with her, AGAIN, yet not even admitting it. And what does it have to do with YOU going to counseling? NOTHING....so why connect the two???

You won't go to counseling OR BENEFIT if it's all about HER STILL....OMG are you thinking that if you go to cousenling that THEN SHE will take you back?

She'll only take you back IF IF IF YOU CHANGE...and that requires counseling but it's not the reason you need counseling.

You NEED Counseling b/c you don't know how to make a move in your life, you are very insecure/confused, & b/c you are too co-dependent on your wife& .

im always here if you need me. And then go..

This is NOT about your wife. This is about YOU NEEDING HELP...

It has nothing to do with her. She is not relevant to this. Don't make it about her.

Just get some help.

We've said this so many times. To have you reply about how you are going to TELL HER about it, and how you will GIVE HER FLOWERS, and pretend to break up (obvious maneuver to get a reaction from her, but

what surprises me most, is how you think WE won't see through it too.

Iwish, Man, I think You do not know how your actions appear to others...and That's a problem you need to solve for your whole life. Not merely the m.

Do You understand what I mean by that?
Regardless, get to the nearest counselor you have and tell them about Your issues, not just your wife, okay?
We support those who can/will help themselves.

Otherwise we are wasting our time (and yours). Fair enough?

"Ok im going today.. how should i go.. thinking of buying chocolates and flowers and saying its a shame that it didnt work out.. im always here if you need me. And then go.."

I seriously hope you didn't do that. All of that is just a show that you're trying to put on to get her to pity you.

What is one thing that has shown that you've actually actually listened to us?

Originally Posted By: MrBond

"Ok im going today.. how should i go.. thinking of buying chocolates and flowers and saying its a shame that it didnt work out.. im always here if you need me. And then go.."

I seriously hope you didn't do that. All of that is just a show that you're trying to put on to get her to pity you.

What is one thing that has shown that you've actually actually listened to us?

I did do it.. i ask for advice before acting out what i plan.

I am focusing on myself right now.. i have been actibely seeking work for my freelance work to keep me busy during the evenings. I am trying to do constructive things.

I want to learn to ride a motorcycle so im focusing on that. I want new skills. I am seeking out local counsellors in my area that i am residing at the mo.

i am re reading db. I am constantly reading sandis golden rules. I am trying not to think about the R but myself and how i can be a better person. I am trying to move forward and i am giving her the time and space she needs in order to let her figure out things on her own.

She tells me she wants to make new friends and do new stuff.. she feels i dont condone such. I do but i also have controlling behavioural patterns which im sure you guys know about. Imtrying to change that. I am working on myself and trying to be whole and happy without her but still want the R to prosper forward.

That's good to hear 1Wish. Keep posting.

You keep avoiding the issue of going to C. Why? Shows you're not listening to anyone.

I guess he's gone again.

1Wish doesn't want to go to C, yet keeps begging for help, doesn't change anything, and wonders why his W wants to leave.

Originally Posted By: MrBond

I guess he's gone again.

1Wish doesn't want to go to C, yet keeps begging for help, doesn't change anything, and wonders why his W wants to leave.

no your just too harsh.. you keep putting me down..

Originally Posted By: 1Wish

no your just too harsh.. you keep putting me down..

1Wish, did you think this was going to be easy? You can choose to see people as harsh and putting you down. And you can walk away and nothing changes.

OR you can see it for what it really is: asking hard questions to get you to think, challenging what you've been doing (because that's what got you into this mess in the first place), showing you specific actions that you can take to make a difference.

You have done a great job of ignoring advice. How's that working for you? Maybe it's time to get the chip off your shoulder and try something different.

You may not like it, but the vets here tell it like they see it. And they have the experience.

Don't give up 1Wish. You can do this if you really try.

"no your just too harsh.. you keep putting me down.."

Nope. Just telling you like it is. You're scared. This is just another excuse from you to avoid the counseling question.

The sad part is that you could have saved your M in 1 month before if you had listened to anybody.

So when I said that you must like having your wife making love to another man, that's just the truth. You don't want to do the hard work or listen so get used to that picture.

You said it best... "You guys are so right but i just dont do it.. i dont know why.. im idiot.."

You are choosing to be an idiot.

"You guys are so right but i just dont do it.. i dont know why.. im idiot.."

. You said you are "too busy" to go to counseling and yet Look at what you just wrote to "Find" the time.

Originally Posted By: 1Wish

Originally Posted By: MrBond

"Ok im going today.. how should i go.. thinking of buying chocolates and flowers and saying its a shame that it didnt work out.. im always here if you need me. And then go.."

I seriously hope you didn't do that. All of that is just a show that you're trying to put on to get her to pity you.

What is one thing that has shown that you've actually actually listened to us?

I did do it.. i ask for advice before acting out what i plan.

I am focusing on myself right now.. i have been actibely seeking work for my freelance work to keep me busy during the evenings. I am trying to do constructive things.

Go to counseling THEN^^^. Get some professional help b/c you have problems that affect your marriage AND MORE...there is massive lack of direction in your life , and it oozes out as a melancholy laziness, but I think it's depression.

I want to learn to ride a motorcycle so im focusing on that. I want new skills.

Then Get them! No one is stopping you. You have No kids, No "2 night jobs",
No "night school", (no wife!) Get out of your own way.

If you don't get some professional help now, You probably never will. Seriously, it will never get "easier" to get help, than it is now. Ever.

I am seeking out local counsellors in my area that i am residing at the mo.

"Seeking out"...well, did you find any? Meet any? Find ONE you like yet? 1wish, this is not rocket science. Making an appointment and Talking to a counselor
takes less than 20 minutes on the phone, maybe half an hour. Then you go meet them and that's an hour. You have been here for months and your marriage is not better yet...so, why not take the advice?

Honestly I do not know what you fear.

Have you called many and have you met any?

i am re reading db. I am constantly reading sandis golden rules.

The "guidelines" are from the DB books. Sandi didn't make them up.

The "Golden Rule" says "Do unto others as you would have them, do unto you" It's biblical in origin. Sure would be great if we all lived by it, eh?

Reading those tips is easy. Following them, not so much.

When we were ALL talking about counseling, you changed the topic to go back to yet another way of you pursuing your wife, WHILE pretending not to...

like by Giving her candy with a thinly veiled self pity comment, while pretending to wish her well in a fake "good bye good luck, here is some candy"...gesture.

1wish, if WE see thru it from here, so will she. Can you face that the goal of that "idea" was not something you can even articulate? (So it's more pursuit and Not following the guidelines you keep reading.)

Bottom line, it feels like you just are Not putting forth much effort in your life b/c When it gets hard, or requires self discipline, you balk. And the "rewards" of having so little self discipline are...well, non existent.

We want to help you in part b/c you are SO YOUNG.

OMG, If you could get the tools that are all around you and learn to use them in a mature manner, your whole love life and marriage future would be MUCH HAPPIER FOREVER....
what a gift we want to help you get!!!..but man, you just resist so much.

So yeah, it's frustrating.

Iwish, I would give anything to have had someone talking to me 25 years ago, the way we are all talking to you about your marriage. So much heartache would have been avoided.

I'd probably have had another child too. Wow, that makes me wistful. And yeah, a little angry at you, in a way. I'm sorry for that but it's true. I will work on it.

But, Can you see why we feel that way?

I am trying not to think about the R but myself and how i can be a better person. I am trying to move forward and i

You have to admit, we have given you a ton of ways to do that^^. Take some of those suggestions up, but start with getting the counseling.

You have a lot of issues (No shame there) plus your background might hinder you in some ways. I'm not sure,

but I know you said things you regret but that you FEEL, things you do not want to feel. To change them, takes effort.

am giving her the time and space she needs in order to let her figure out things on her own.

"Doing" that^^ means turn back to your own life b/c there is nothing for you to "Do" about her. You have a lot to "DO" about YOU and Your life however.

She tells me she wants to make new friends and do new stuff.. she feels i dont condone such. I do but i also have controlling behavioural patterns which im sure you guys know about. Imtrying to change that.

To "Change that" ^^^means do nothing about it!! This part is easy, okay?

I am working on myself and trying to be whole and happy without her but still want the R to prosper forward.

First thing is first. Get some help to get the TOOLS you need to live a life with direction and purpose, in alignment with your values. (Decide which values really are yours and which are no longer serving you well).

No more chaos, and no more pain filled drama, going in circles. No more insanely long undecipherable & circular text "non talks".

** * IF you ever reconcile with her OR remarry someone else, do NOT have important conversations that are meant to be done in person, by text...ever....

IF a person or subject is of importance to you, pick up a phone if they are far away, or drive over and see them eye to eye. Period.***

That's what counseling can help you with, AND take the advice you are getting here b/c so much of it is GOLDEN...

GOLDEN NUGGETS about

"How to Be Happy in YOUR LIFE"...I wish I had gotten those when I was your age. Don't waste this chance.

Good luck

Hi been a while.. Everythings worked out for me. Thanks for all the help. I had to go away on think about a lot of things.

So happy things worked out. Why don't you fill us in...worked out in what way? what worked? what didn't?

Originally Posted By: lost18

So happy things worked out. Why don't you fill us in...worked out in what way? what worked? what didn't?

Last time she asked me to move out, i did and started to just try and get on with my life.. Continued going gym and just tried doing things that took my mind of the D. At this point i had given up and just wanted to forget everything.

I Got in touch with a lady friend whom i lost touch with and started doing things with her as friends. It took my mind off my W and allowed me to enjoy myself and feel appreciated.

Then W asked me to meet up as she was in the area, i was a bit reluctant because i was going to go to the gym so i told her id call back in 5-10mins with a decision. I called back and asked ehat we were going to do and if it was possible to do it another day, she offered to go nandoes and i then agreed.

We went there and i wasnt really interested on her as i was.. She picked up on it and asked why i havnt been calling her and what not. I just vaguely told her i was busy doing things and trying out new things and how i didnt want to talk about it.

I later dropped her off to her flat and she asked me to come in but said only for a little bit i said i dont mind and went in.

She tried to test me so many times by telling me that some guy spoke to her and asked for her number and she said no shes married and he turned back and said cant we be friends and she gave it. I was ok thats nice. Seems aa though you have still got it then. She then broke into tears after 5 mins and said how i dont give [censored] about her or anything any more.

I remained silent and let her speak.. I then told her that i just wanted to get on with my life how i was tired chasing and chasing and how this is something she wanted. I told her i was happy and moving out wasnt bad as i thought it was actually good.

I then told her i had to go and said by.. I didnt kiss or hug and waited to see id she wld offer but she didnt.. She later brought this up
..

I carried on seeing my friend and went out to milkshake places and what not.. Spoke on the phone qiite a bit as well like everyday.

*****I will continue this later im at work and cant carry on at the moment.

And did you ever go to C?

I'm not really getting how this is different except that you sound like not being around her lessened your anxieties;

It sounds as if the way you two communicate is still filled with unspoken comments and mind reading and vague replies, so it's all still guess work...

I mean, how have YOU grown or changed from before?

Is it all just about backing off and GAL (Getting A Life, which is right out of the DB books I'm still not sure you read)

or what? Do you communicate this way with the other woman "friend"?

I want to be happy for you - truly -

but I feel as if you just changed chairs in the game of musical chairs.

If another woman leaves you, won't you'll be in the same place you were?

Im still with my wife.. And yes i probably have changed chairs in a game of musical chairs.

I got councelling but not much, i galled and thats what got her back.

We have a kid now :| things are going well. But there is miscommunication and her anger still shows at times.

I really want to fix everything.. But i guess theres not much help here after you get back wig your mrs or am i wrong?

1wish, yes there's still help here as you work on your M. In fact, I'd say you need it more now than ever as you and your W try to build something stable for your child. Give us more details, ask specific questions. Keep posting, you'll get a response.

1wish, no one can help you if you don't post....