my past thread...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2480572&page=1Moving out in 10 days. She is being nice. Not pushing me away when I hug...asking for help with things that require physical touch.
Being her friend. Giving complements to her as I used to. Providing hugs. Validating and be loving.
I hope she comes around. I'd love to see you post here with a miraculous update.
New83, if you're not ready, don't give up. There are plenty of re-marriages after D. But if you're staying the course, then stay the right course: DB!! Detach, GAL, 180. If you don't, you will have no chance. Nothing is less attractive to a woman than a needy, codependent beggar. Be the best MAN you can be and post here anytime you need to. We're listening
I do too. Mr. bond has given me good advice on the other thread. Hope I get some guidance here too.
This has been a long triathlon. Next up? More uphill running. I now have GAL and packing daily. She came home yesterday after some shopping and I had packed 10 boxes. As she came in her look spoke volumes. I have not seen that look on her in awhile. Made me feel good. Packed another 8 today. I am quickly cleaning out and packing. Every time she comes home, my plan is to move forward briskly. I know she wanted the D to move along quick..well, now I am.
New83, if you're not ready, don't give up. There are plenty of re-marriages after D. But if you're staying the course, then stay the right course: DB!! Detach, GAL, 180. If you don't, you will have no chance. Nothing is less attractive to a woman than a needy, codependent beggar. Be the best MAN you can be and post here anytime you need to. We're listening
I am 180, not having to do them anymore, they are now a way of life. Detached 85% from what I felt, mostly the past 8 weeks. GAL is hard, see my last thread, but doing best I can at that.
Thanks for the replies! Let's have a conversation that will help others just starting this same path. Learn to walk this marathon before you can run it. This is NOT a race, but a journey. I can stop at anytime, however, I choose to be a better man and work on me. WAW has an open door, but it is her choice. I know she will be doing more soul searching and thinking once I am out.
Quick funny thing. She asked if she could use my boxes once I move out. I told her I would flatten them and on my last run, she could have them. She said she "did not want them flat......to save taping them again." Hmmm, and she will come get them. OKAY that means multiple trips, in her car to get boxes that I can return in one shot. Well, I guess that is a good sign??
Some things to share...not sure where I got them, but they help me focus on my needs and doing the right thing. Hope this helps you too.
=i think =
remember...this is a marathon, not a sprint. NO, I think triathlon
Friendship...remember touch (subtle and non-sexual)
Compassion...Listen (no distractions)
Respect...See me (try to understand their view IS theirs...not necessarily wrong)
Loyalty...be Present (don't give them)
Trust...Communication (honesty)
Focus on near....be present and worry about tomorrow when it is present
Small goals.....keep positive
Patience...calm focus.
It does hurt to not be able to tell her I love her and have it said in return. tis why I have not said it in awhile. Although a few weeks ago, I reminded her that I do love her and am here for her.
Funny that in C last night, her last session with me that she mentioned hoping we could be very good friends. She is here for me, all I have to do is ask. I told her and C that this seemed weird to me, because she has always offered her help and advice unwarranted, so why change that now. She mentioned boundaries and trying to respect my new life. Well, I said that I will not ask for help or her input every time. Should she see that I might need it, she should offer. Although I do know I stand back and let her deal with her situations and am there, but only offer help when she has given great efforts. I then offer and she lets me. I handle it and move on, not expecting anything in return. I am just building some last minute "points" in her mind for future reference. Surely she will remember how I have handled this situation all the way until the end.
So, in C I mentioned that S11 has not said much, but has trouble thinking of a life w/o her at home when he comes to visit from ex. It was mentioned by C, that she be at my new home when he arrives next Friday. She looked at me and said, "well, if I am welcome past the threshold of the front door. I do not want to invite myself." I told her if she was at the front door, that she might not be let in, that is for guests. Family and friends come to the side door. That comment got a smile and I followed with telling the C that having her over may be the only way I can get her to eat a good meal. (I have always cooked good meals for her). Another smile. So, I want her to feel welcome to approach me, unwarranted, but will go dark once I move.
Remember this, a dog on a leash may run from you at the park if they get loose. Should you chase, they will run faster. If you turn and go the other direction, just as fast and look like you are having fun, they will notice. Once they see this they will turn and run back to you. However, make sure your fun is for YOU and not a plot to get them back, or it will not hold them long.
Just checking in NewB. I'll be in your shoes soon, though I am staying in my home, she is leaving with the children. I, too, have a SS15, and I am very concerned about how much/little I'll be seeing him.
Yes, but S11 is from a previous marriage. However, she has know him since he was 5. There were tears from her last night when talking about him. Going dark will help me. Just maybe it will help her reach out more. S11 wants that relationship, and I told her, as the adult, she would need to make sure to put forth effort as he may not. I do know he would welcome any time she gives him.
So, I am the SD on this one. The only thing I'll give my WAW credit for at this juncture is her insistence that I remain in SS15's life - I've been around since he was 1. His father sees him, but interacts little. We'll see...I am certainly willing to put in the time.
"the opposite of love is not anger, it's indifference." I care about my WAW, she created this situation. I am angry at that, not her. I love her, but have to show indifference.
Hard stuff in these final days.
""the opposite of love is not anger, it's indifference." I care about my WAW, she created this situation. I am angry at that, not her. I love her, but have to show indifference."
That's not exactly the context which they are referring indifference to. It usually refers to the idea that when your spouse acts angry or emotional towards you, they have some kind of emotional connection to you still. Anger shows that your words can still hurt them. However, if they show indifference (where they don't show any emotion one way or another), then it's harder to re-establish feelings with them.
well, my words still have the power then. that is the good news. the bad news is I am moving and going dark. Hoping she will reach out at some point.
Mr. Bond,
After leaving...how do I affect her emotionally? I plan on minimal contact. Help me please. This phase is such a leap into the unknown.
Stresses of moving out seem to be looming. WAW as home listed and appears to be overly stressed about how clean it is. She wants some time in the home this weekend to do cleaning. I mentioned to her that I will give her a few boxes to pack up S3 .5 things.
I'm feeling the overwhelming need to make sure I am compassionate, caring, and affirming. I am not sure why she is so stressed over this other than having it listed and constant distractions if people want to come see the home. I moved out in seven days and have made very big efforts to get packed and out of her way. For some reason I feel the need to touch her, give her hugs, And the occasional kiss on the cheek. I tend to be over doing this at times and I catch myself, but then think I'm leaving soon what does it matter?
I'm having a very hard time staying detached at this point because I know I will not sleep in her bed, see her face daily, touch your skin, or be able to just say nice things when she seems stressed. I have to keep on "A mask of false bravado trying to keep up the smile to hide the tears"
Walking away is going to be hard what kind of things can I say to her as I leave that would not be pursuit but would let her know that my door is open? Do I simply leave a thank you card for breaking my heart yet not saying that? Do I have something in mind to say to her the last time I walk out of that home? I have all those questions that seem to be building up is there any one that can help?
Thinking about my feelings this morning. It is odd for me to feel detached, yet reaching out to her. The feelings of pursuit are being held at bay. I still need advice on what I mentioned in my last post. Hopeful for today.
NewB3. I have a little to offer. I do know that I came to this realization the other day. Since we all know we would do it again (and better) in a heartbeat, this remains true. To my wife:
It was an honor to be married to you. You made me proud to be your husband. I want nothing but good things for you and our children in the future.
"After leaving...how do I affect her emotionally?"
You can't. That's out of your control. That's why you just keep concentrating on yourself.
Thanks for the replies Shakspr and mr. Bond. Just trying to keep it together these last few days.
Mr. Bond,
Any nuggets for me at this point other than focusing on me? Is there anything else I should be doing?
Yes. Start posting here about your new experiences and don't mention your W. Concentrate only on the things that you are doing for yourself right now.
had some free time this morning. WAW took s3.5 to a friends home to play. I took my time looking for things for my new home. She calls and said he changed his mind when they got there. She asked when I would be home. I was just leaving my last stop. I came home and played with s3.5 and did some more packing.
WAW took s3.5 to birthday party this afternoon. I cleaned up my messes while they were out and cleaned up the house. (180's anyone
) I then sat on the couch and read. About an hour later WAW calls. Realtor called and wanted to show this place in an hour. She said she was coming home and asked that i watch S3.5 while she cleaned. When they arrived I was out front wiping down the front door. She immediately noticed that there was nothing to do. She thanked me so many times. We loaded in the car with the kid and dog and drove away.
S3.5 wanted to go see my home, although I have not closed, we drove by. WAW told him she had never seen it other than online pics. I did not comment.We took dog to grandparents house so we could go eat somewhere. WAW offered to let s3.5 stay with them while we went to eat, he said no. Once we arrived, he decided to stay with grandparents. funny that they suggested we go and s3.5 stay . We went to dinner. It was nice, she talked about her day, her home, and the furniture I was taking. It was nice and we kept eye contact most of the time. I mainly listened and affirmed. Positives abound. Tomorrow.....my final walk through
83, what is something new you will try for YOU in the month of Oct? Pick something out of left field and go try it, then te us about it. I picked salsa lessons (I don't dance) and it was the best thing I've done for myself in a long time. I've been 4 or 5 times now, starting to get compliments!
My final walk through went great. Have been helping around the home here, prior to my exit. Cleaning and prep for realtors caravan. I was thanked very much several times. Being the guy only a fool.....
Well, I have been getting in things for my new home. got utilities and cable/web changed. Let her know today that Cable/web would be off Saturday if she wanted to call for the channels she wants. Working on packing up and getting truck lined up. Moving in right after closing, but reality is I will not be there for the night until Sunday. Will be packing some last minute boxes after I load truck tomorrow night. Have a buddy coming over Friday evening for big pieces of furniture. Will spend Saturday unpacking to bring empty boxes back over. Well, actually I'll let her worry about coming to get them. I need to move and cannot unpack and take my time. Technically, I have until 10/25, but the sooner the better. That is what she wanted...move forward. I am moving forward and focusing on me. I have no time for classes, or other things as I have painting and renovations to do myself. Making that place my own. S11 will be there to help me this weekend, my birthday. Not heard about s3.5 coming over, so I will get him for dinner on my birthday. Not asking earlier and she has not mentioned my special day. NP, I will make it what I want.
I did ask for our foreign marriage cert. It was not a welcome request, but said I could have it. I commented that I just did not want it thrown away. I was told that it would not be thrown out. I will not ask again, we will see. Reality is about to be a slamming door to her. I am not interested in being friends right now. If she wants more than that, we can talk. However, for now, going dark.
Thanks for this post advice, I am not sure what all I need to be doing other than focus on me. Is there a good post DB book? I did find a you tube series on getting over it and staying strong. More of setting boundaries for the non-friendship relationship.
Did my banking this afternoon, got S11 from school. WAW dropped me at truck rental place and offered dinner at her parents as the house was being shown tonight. This totally threw off my schedule. After dinner, got home and loaded 80% of the truck.
Tomorrow is moving day. Birthday weekend for me too. Nothing has been mentioned of this and I am fine, other than the kids. I will wait and see if I can get S3.5 for dinner Sunday. Not inviting her. Remember, she wants the moving boxes. I am not offering to deliver and she said she will come get them. We will see.
Been watching coach corey wayne stuff. I think it is helping me prepare for staying OUT of the friend zone. She knows how I feel, not that I have shared it lately. I am being the mountain...She, mother nature. Comes and goes, good and bad.
I am making my stand while going dark. Should she reach out in the next few months, I will need your help.
Wish me luck! off the web for the next few days.
I moved out. Things are going well for me. I've been doing some updating to the home and lots of cleaning and some small repairs. The kids love the house and yard. And I have made several plans and gone out with the guys several times. I am not looking for companionship or dates at this point.
I had my first visitation with S3 .5 & S 11 I week ago. When asked 3.5 came back midweek I ask him if he missed me. Of course he said no. I told him how much I missed him and that we were going to have fun. He asked if we were going to my house and Was excited about it. He then tells me that mommy had been sad and crying I asked why and he said because she misses daddy.
I didn't say much about it after that but it got me thinking I tend to notice the small things of how she make sure you go out of her way to say goodbye and say my name. She will have to make eye contact to do that.One instance was the time when asked 3.5 left for the weekend prior to him telling me that she cried. She starts putting him in her car, and then says to me that I can finish loading him up and say my goodbyes. She goes to her side of the car, get sand, and put on her seatbelt. I tell him goodbye. I'm about to close the door and she leans so far back between the seats with her seatbelt on that her head is almost in his lap she looks directly at me and says goodbye talk to you soon.
I do not call her I do not email her, or send her text messages. I called her last week to talk about some problems she asked me to help with with the mail. I handled it and got off the phone first. I knew she would call me back this week regarding Halloween. She did call and ask me if I was coming to pick up some more his things for my home. I told her that I would be by this evening and she said to give her a call and let her know when. We discussed her having a contract on her home I told her congratulations and that I was happy for her. I was quick to get off the phone. When discussing picking up his things I was not going to mention Halloween. If you look back at my previous post I had mentioned that maybe she could come with us trick-or-treating. She didn't comment or look at me when I mentioned that several weeks ago as if she didn't hear me. So when she was talking last night she said and what are your plans for Halloween? I told her that we were going to go downtown to the city trick-or-treat event and she said oh, well that sounds fun. However, since she asked I told her she is more than welcome to join us if you would like I left it at that. Her reply was yes, sure that sounds like a lot of fun. I've been watching a lot of coach Cory Wayne things on YouTube and I'm doing my best to make her come to me I just hope I'm doing the right things. I just don't agree with him saying that you should be very friendly to your ex call her babe and give her hugs and Trader Joe's like a girlfriend to keep you from getting put in the friend box. I am not ready to call her babe her but mom around her at this point but I am allowing her to move closer to me as I stand still. I'm doing dark the best that I can.
I am continuing cognitive therapy. My therapist is letting me kind of guy and dealing with my current situation as opposed to just dealing with me. He is been very good about making connections between things I've done in past relationships and things that happened in this one. It is very helpful. I am ready to start posting here again.
As I told him I am expecting the call one day that she wants me back. However, I am not waiting on that call.
went last night to get some more stuff for S3.5 from her home. I had a toy for the dog. He loved it. Made her smile and S3.5 was full of hugs.
She is getting sick and will not go downtown. She said she does not want to be around a lot of people while sick. She followed with, if you were going to be trick o treating in your neighborhood, it would be different. I gave no comment. I had brought in his school pics. She asked my to cut them and said that she did not want to do it as I always had. "you do a better job than I would." she said as she got the scissors.
As i was leaving (btw, car was washed and clean. I was in shirt and tie) S3.5 was asked to give me a hug. I picked him up and held him, he then leaned over towards her for a hug. Ended up a group hug. He then got down running in circles around her saying " mommy was crying and that was a joke." He kept repeating that he was telling a joke. She must not have heard him, because she informed me that by joke he meant he was telling the truth. She corrected him.
. I am kind, but distant. Try joking a little to make her smile and keep it lite. I do not touch her. I make little eye contact, but am very confident. Stick to business.
Her actions when I leave are like she wants to spend more time talking and looking at me. ( see previous post about leaving) S3.5 has said she cries and misses me. She verifies his "joking" is him "telling the truth". She has not reached out in any way.
So what do I do to keep her interested while she misses me? Do I act interested or keep holding out on communication and being dark as possible? If she is crying, is that doubt creeping in that she made the wrong "gut" decision?
I had a tough weekend with the S3.5 & S 11. Halloween was just us and my new neighborhood was lacking, so we went to grandparents area that has every home giving candy. Ex did not come although the plans had changed to walking.
Heard she had not been sleeping well. Also, talked to her father and brother about crying in front of S3.5 and missing me. Father said she has been under a lot of stress with work and such too. Funny, I reminded him of the point he made back when I talked about my D with him. "Is she sure that it is not a work stress thing that is making everything else seem bad?" Well, I am out and she has the home to herself. Still feeling that way and now missing me.
Back to me. My weekend was tough with both kids as there was a lot of arguing and back and forth aggravating. I had a talk with both of them about being calm and talking about things, instead of coming to tell Dad about he did this or that. Little one was tired and laid down on the couch. Older one sat on the other side watching TV. Me, I sat and a wave of missing her hit. I wept. I know I cannot discuss R stuff with her and have to remain upbeat. I failed this weekend. She called sunday afternoon about pickup of S3.5. I was very quiet and to the point on the phone. She asked if everything was okay. I said " yes". She then followed with, " Well if you need anything, just call me." We finished the pickup talk and got off the phone.
She arrives later and notices how clean the home is and that one room is now complete, other than curtains. Hugs the S11 several time and starts conversations with him. S3.5 does not want her there and asks her to leave. He gets upset. He took her to his room to show some new furniture. She looked in S11 room and commented on how nice and then went to S3.5 room. My door was closed.
I am trying to stay dark. I know she will have to approach me about the R. How do I stay upbeat and such around her? I want to not have much to say and be indifferent. Which is the best approach? Corey Wayne says one thing, but going dark says another. I do feel that she will reach out at some point over the holidays. I know I need to let her come to me. How can I show I am open to that w/o pursuing or looking needy?
Mr. Bond? You still here? Help me please.
I don't think I mentioned above that while I wept, I gave S3 .5 a hug told him I loved him and whispered in his ear I miss mommy too. After he was asleep ass one one asked me what was wrong and I said I just had a tough day and told him that I missed her also.
So sorry for that typo. iPhone translation of S11 was so very incorrect.
I don't think I mentioned above that while I wept, I gave S3 .5 a hug told him I loved him and whispered in his ear I miss mommy too. After he was asleep ass one one asked me what was wrong and I said I just had a tough day and told him that I missed her also.
I ordered something for S3 .5 to be here while he was with me this week. The shipment got messed up and it will be here today. I called her last night to ask if I may swing by after work and drop off something for him. She wanted to know what time and I told her that I wasn't sure specifically what time. I said I can do it another night.her reply was strange, it was "well we don't have any plans so you can come by anytime".
I have I hopes for us in the future right now I'm really confused. Any advice? Any words of wisdom?
I went to get a haircut on the way home. I left there and went to her house to CS 3.5. He was happy to see me and I felt she was too. I talk to him for a few minutes was kind to her but scarce with my words and confident. She asked me a few questions about things and then I told her I was going to get a few more of my things from the basement. I went down and grab three boxes and came up she said is that all you're going to get? She asked why. All of that it wants she told me to be careful. She asked if I was needing help with the door. I told her I'd plan to go get a few more things unless she wanted me to wait. She immediately backpedaled and replied "no no-no take your time no rush you can get more if you want." She walked me to the car each time not really offering to help. She stood close to me several times in this big empty home. I sat down next to S3 .5 to tell him good night and he was busy watching television. I walked towards the door and she walked with me and said I'm going to walk dad to his car. Do you want me to pick you up she said to S3 .5 he didn't answer. So she walked me to the door and he came running. She picked him up and said will walk dad to the car. They walked me to the car knowing he was going to ask for hugs he leaned in for a hug with his arm out and I reached over to hug him she leaned into me with her shoulder and put her head on my chest.
I had them both and then he asked us to kiss him at the same time so we each kissed him on the cheek and he laughed he had a good time as I got into the car she told me have a good night will talk to you soon and I told her the same she then said good night so I told her good night again. As I put the car in reverse S3 .5 said he didn't get a kiss so she walked him over to the car and leave them in the window for another kiss. As I got ready to leave she looked back at me and said have a good night.
It appears to me that she acts as if she doesn't want me to really go yet will not say anything about us. She's very kind very loving and very accommodating. I'm not sure where I stand with her. I stood next to her while I was in the house and reminding myself stand like I have a string at the top of my chest pulling me to the ceiling. Head held high and confident and speak with certainty about any scheduling or any decisions. Looking for any advice to get me through our next meeting I wanted to kiss her and whisper in her ear that I love her and I miss her so bad it took almost holding my breath to not do it.
Am I proceeding properly?
So tonight at drop off things got interesting. S3 .5 was being good and was excited to see her. She later thanked me for making him walk in and give her hugs and telling her he loved her. We never had such a discussion but I let her think that S3 .5 and I had already worked this out. We walked in... as she left the door unlocked for us and she was in the bed reading a book. She insisted on sitting on the bed the whole time we were there. She was very chatty. She grabbed some things for me as I went to get some more items that used to be mine. She handed me the things for S3 .5 visit later in the week. She asked me about plans for Thanksgiving and I told her I would have him back shortly after lunch. She then mentioned her family that was going to be in town at her local family home. She said I was welcome to come over Thanksgiving night for dinner or any other time that week to visit just to call and let them know when I wanted to come over. She then asked about my family lunch and I told her we were just going to restaurant this year and she said who's going and I just told her that it was my mother, sister, kids, and everyone else. She looked at me with a smile and said oh, who's everyone else. I told her just other family members I wasn't sure who all is going.
I then went and sat down and ask him to come give me a hug as I was leaving. He insisted on playing and running around the room and was having fun. I visited with the dog for a moment, and then she said to S3.5...come over and let's give daddy a hug goodbye. This caught me by surprise and I was thinking surely she didn't mean "let's" so I waited. Yes, she walked over with her arms open wide sat down on my knee and leaned over to hug me as he ran up to hug both of us. She laid her head on my hand and rubbed my back for a moment.
I know I'm not supposed to mind read here reading back over my previous posts in the past two weeks… It feels as though she misses our romantic relationship. The signals that she was afraid to send as we were divorcing seem to be the ones she is sending now. I feel as though she is missing me now that I've gone dark. I'm only hopeful that she has romantic feelings for me still. I dare not talk of the relationship or show too much interest however I do give her hugs back and give her attention when she does these things. Otherwise I am kind of a and make short visits.
I am looking for any advice from people on this forum that have been in this strange situation anyone?
typo above..."Yes, she walked over with her arms open wide sat down on my knee and leaned over to hug me as he ran up to hug both of us. She laid her head on my hand and rubbed my back for a moment."
she laid her head on my shoulder....
so do i make myself available more just for the holiday? I really have nothing else to do. I will, of course not let her know that. I am painting a few rooms this weekend and getting my room completed. I know her family will want to come here, and possibly hang out. Hoping she tags along, but I do not want her hanging out as I am not her buddy. I have a romantic interest in her and cannot do anything about it right now. I wish she would be upfront with her feelings. I have been, just not since the divorce and moving out. I have not given her one compliment or contacted her just to chat since I left. She never hears from me or sees me, unless it is a weekend swap or a call about S3.5.
Please give me some guidance
My new bedding/furniture came in, buying my paint tomorrow and spending this weekend making some changes in the home. Projects, music, and maybe a good meal too
Hi NewB,
I skimmed your threads. I need to go back and read the first few but knowing what you know now, why did your W want a D?
You do a lot of mindreading about what her actions might mean. I could read them in a very different light.
About this weekend, what would a 180 be for you? What's something you would like to do?
What are your regular GAL activities?
She is asking what my plans are for next week. Her parents live in town and family will come to visit for the week. She has made it clear that I am invited to come over at anytime w/ just a call. No pressure huh???
WOW. I have told her I am not sure yet. She asked that I let her know. To clarify I asked if I let her know or her parents..... she said she would like to know. mindreading says she wants to be there when I am, or cannot stand not knowing my schedule.
I am torn. Family lunch and then I return my boys to their mothers. S3.5 goes back to WAW and I will see her family. Not sure I will stay. I want to, but things are weird for me. I don't want to share good times with her and be friends. However, I do want to share good times with her in hopes she will see I have GAL and doing well. I want her to miss me more. I want her to talk about her feelings. This is a hard time for me!
I know she wants to be friends. She said that in MC last month, prior to me moving out. She knows I do not want that and knows it will take time to get to that. Little does she know that her (6 months or so)timeline for me to come around as a friend is NUTS. I want her in my life and refuse to be in the friend box. I cannot control her, but know that I can control my actions. My thoughts, however, are another story. Talk to you all soon......
I feel for you in your situation. Through this whole thing, it seems like there are lots of situations that invite mind reading. Suddenly, you're back in high school again. "Does she like me? Will she go out with me? She looked at me, that means something, right?"
I know I'm pretty terrible at falling into that trap, but I would say take everything she does at face value and just be Cool Joe NewB3. Granted, sitting on your lap and laying her head on your shoulder would send all sorts of confusing messages to me, but still, play it cool.
As for Thanksgiving, my suggestion would be to ask yourself what you would want. Don't do it for her. If you would like to see her family and it won't be uncomfortable for you, then go. It's freaking turkey time and you just can't beat a good meal on Thanksgiving!
Thanks for that. I know that this will all be okay next year, no matter what happens. I just know I went with her wants and got the D. She kept saying that I did not hear her...she did not want to be married anymore. She loves me, and has no one else, nor is looking, just wants her space and freedom.
I, and her father, brother, my C all feel the high pressure job and a head strong toddler pushed her to make a quick decision to ease her stress. Now I am letting her be (I'm dark)and I feel she sees the writing on the wall. I have given her the rope and walked away with head held high, yet quiet.
Through her struggles a few weeks ago w/ S 3.5 I sent her an email. The first one in several months that had nothing to do with kids or D, just feelings. I said..."I know I am struggling with the kids in these transitions. I know you must be hurting too. I hope last night wasn't too bad on both of you."
her reply was ....
"Yes, things are definitely tough. Last night got better a little while....
after you left. I know it's hard on the kids too."
There is proof she is just as stressed, as well as the stress DVD and CD from her therapists office I saw on her table a few weeks ago.
So she calls and asks about something of mine her name is on, an account at the bank. She asks if I can go tomorrow with her and we can take care of that. (I know she is working her task list at this point) I asked her if it was a problem that her name is on there. She said no, I just figured if you had time we could go up there together. ( 45 min trip each way) I told her it wsa on my list, but not way up in priority and that tomorrow is not a good day. I know she has other things to do and I would more than likely not worry about it until after she is moved and settled. She reminded me that she does not look at that account and has not in months. Told me not to worry, because she will continue not looking. (weird) I told her I trusted her and have no reason to think anything different, no big deal.She said just let her know in advance when I wanted to go, so she could plan. I said well, I am not going to wait until the day before, I will give you plenty of time to schedule.
She then goes on to ask about other things in our (once) home since she is moving soon. I told her I would get the other things soon, and named off 5 items. She had forgotten about a few of them and said she had some of the others on her list. I reminded her of the boxes at my home that she asked me to save. She said she planned on packing on ...day and would get them at some point before then. She said she would have to see when she has time alone (w/o S3.5) to pack and would get them prior to that. She follows up asking about the days I am off next week which we talked about yesterday. I verified and was quiet. She said "okay, I guess that is all for now. Have a good weekend." I said "okay, bye"
I then realized I did not tell her have a good weekend or a "you too". I just did not feel it. We ARE not friends in my book and her "reaching out" is weird. She talked to me about all this holiday stuff yesterday.
Mixed signals? Keeping me on the phone for what? I WANT her in my life and I need her love, not just friendship. Am I going about this all wrong? Sandi2? Wonka? Mr.Bond? females in the DB group that have been there? What do you think?
Maybe you are trying to read too much into her every action. She is going through an adjustment also. She could be experiencing missing you some, but I think you will need to pull back a lot more in order for her to really feel she has lost you.
You see, she may be divorced, but she KNOWS she still has you. You know it, too. That's why you have to let go. When you really let go, then she will feel it. And then, I think she will begin to pursue you....if you don't keep waiting around.
She needs to see what she lost. She only thought she wanted out. But she really wasn't ready for YOU to be free, single, and available. Get out and do a lot more GAL.
So I called her yesterday to let her know I would be coming to see her family on Thanksgiving night. She said she was not sure they were doing dinner, but would let me know.
really do not understand why the invitation was extended if they were not doing dinner. She did keep asking about my Thanksgiving plans. I know she has been spending more time with her parents, which is good. Her parents both feel, as I have mentioned before, that job stress and everyday child raising stress helped her make this rash decision. She also is feeling "older" now too. As she has mentioned some age related things in the past year.
Sandi2,
Thank you so much for adding some female perspective here. I understand GAL. I leave her alone and work on my home, go out with the guys once a week. I stay busy with hobbies, etc. Not sure what else I can do in that department. I do I "really let go" then? We have a small child together, and short of contacting her on rare occasions for that....no other contact. We have talked more in the past week about holiday plans and I just gave her my answer. Please keep posting here, I am all ears and I will follow your lead.
Thanks
I have to be around her some this weekend with family in town. What is the best possible way to be around her? My guess would be well dressed, confident, social, & humorous. I just am afraid of being to friendly to her (friend zoneing myself, yet I do not want to ignore her. I remember when we first met...I act the same, but my nerves might get the best of me.
Insomnia has set in. I am all in my head about this whole thing. New home with important visitors for the holidays. Being around WAW and being in control of myself. Foods to prepare to be a good guest. Sandi2's post above and what I can do to let go more. I am not ready to date. I don't need anyone, but want someone. That someone is the one I need to let go of.
How can I let her see she does not have me? Sandi2, that statement above has stuck with me since I read it. She knows she still has me, yet I am doing everything to be dark, so how does she "have" me?
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I am very down tonight after having time with WAW family.
I came home after my family Thanksgiving lunch and fell asleep. I received a text from my ex mother-in-law and followed three minutes later by phone call from WAW. She was wanting to know when I was coming over.
I arrived a few minutes later with flowers for the host bottle of wine and some nice appetizers. My ex watched me out the door as I parked and waited until I got out and came out to the steps. She asked me how everything was and said they were about to have some leftovers. I walked in and she kind of let me be. I was fine with this is, but I did not know how to act. She immediately hit me with some humor about the wine that I brought and made a few offhanded jokes about some other things. She then walked away and let me be for most of the evening. I was very comfortable cool well-dressed and friendly to everyone.
She did seem uneasy about the situation and was curious to know what my plans were for tomorrow and she wants my oldest son to come visit with everyone. I then went into the room where the appetizers were and she followed me. She asked me something which I don't recall and then informed me that she had been off the whole week. I later talked to her father and said it was good that she realizes the importance of taking time off now as she would've never taken time off before.
I am not sure what the future holds for me and her. however, I appreciate the input from you Sandi2. I'm just unclear, other than dating others now, (which I don't feel I'm ready for) to have her see that I've let go. Please share some more with me.
Another "family" thing this afternoon. WAW and family asked that S11 be there too. I talked to WAW about noon and she asked if we would stay for dinner too. I told her I had not planned to and did not want to invite us over. She said there should be plenty. I said okay and said I would bring over some apps.
I made an appropriate app, her favorite. She acknowledged the app when I put it on the table. She had opened the wine and saved a glass for me, a new vintage. She had poured a glass for me. I heard her say, as she was cooking, she would get some of the app in a moment if there was some left. I grabbed a plate and put some app on it, and set it next to her wine and walked away. When she returned to the wine, she had some app. She never commented. When the app was almost done, I put the last two on her plate and said nothing. (I'm the guy she was a fool to leave;))We all had dinner, jokes exchanged. I was charming and witty with the family, just like old times. She laughed a few times and joined in. After dinner it was like neither of us knew how to act. She became shy, yet made points to interact with me. weirdness. I think sandi2 was right. ( funny the relationship talk on sat radio was saying the same thing to a guy today). I need to pull away more and not be. I need help knowing how to do that with a small child between us. I already do minimal contact. Maybe she liked us tonight? Does not matter until she says something to me.
Spent to much time with her these past few days. It has put me in a funk. I feel I have back slid myself and going dark again is harder than last time.
Step back. You need space away from her and the tension the family "togetherness" puts on a person in this kind of stitch. Besides, you need to pull back to show her you did not put a label on any of the past few days of interaction. It is time she did some wondering about how you are feeling and thinking.
Oh, when she asks about what you have planned, be ready with some type of nice, but vague answer. Really, it is none of her business and she should not ask. If she wants the kids, she should say so, without being nosy. But wait, she forgot she no longer has that right.
Maybe the answer you should give when she ask if you have plans is to say, "If you want the kids, it's no problem".
Sandi2,
Thanks for confirming and keeping me pointed in the right direction. We had wine with dinner last night. I had asked that while I ran home to get my contribution to dinner, that she save some wine for me from the bottle I brought the night before. It was unopened and she asked if we could have it with dinner. Usually she would ask me to drive, so she could have a glass.....well, not now
She had a glass poured for me when i arrived. one other family member had a glass too. total after dinner was 2.5 glasses for me, 1.5 for other family member, and she has 2. She was looking at me during dinner, and i complimented her dish, making sure to use her name in the compliment. After dinner, she made a quick exit and said nothing to me. I do hope I shook things up with her emotions.
Sandi2 please stick with me through this part....I feel I need someone in the wings with a 2X4 and straight forward advice. I get lost these days, quite easily.
Thanks again
Tired of having dreams of capital W a W moving on completely while I'm still hanging around. I noticed on social media last night that her marital status or relationship status is gone I had wanted to do mine a few weeks ago and failed to do it I went this morning and fixed it.
This made me think a lot. I began feeling like I should completely lose touch with her and her family for a little while. I need time for myself. My focus I now realize is been all about her even though I'm doing things for myself I making decisions based on her being in my life.
Drop off of my son last night went exactly as I had planned I went in he ran to her gave her a big hug and almost knocked her down they laid on the floor saying I love use and laughing as I walked by.they seem to be having fun I quietly latest things on the chair and was ready to go when I walked back over to her she reminded me of a few things she had found while packing this weekend. I took those items to my car. I then walk straight to my child gave them a kiss on the head and said see you this week he had been talking about lunch yesterday. He was telling her about his dessert.he didn't know what restaurant we had gone to and she could not figure it out so she asked me which restaurant. I kept the conversation brief I try not to make too much I contact with her to show I was busy thinking about doing other things. Not sure if that was the right thing to do. She mentioned that she had traveled an hour away to do some shopping while she was off last week and had lunch at that same restaurant and you started to tell me what she had to eat. She raved about how good it was and I followed with well that sounds nice. I then gave my son a hug and told him again I would see him this week I was out of the house in under 10 minutes. As I'm walking out I'm closing the door behind me and she starts to walk towards me and realizes I'm just leaving. She says goodbye I said goodbye without turning around and she said have a good Night, and I followed it with you too and kept walking.
I feel strange about not contacting her parents after such a nice weekend with the family that I wanted to send them a thank you card. However I think not contacting them might be better. She is constantly over there and hanging around and chatting with them these days which is good. However if I don't come up in conversation for a while I think that would be best.
Very down tonight. Feeling emotionally beat down and lonely.
does this get easier? I am holding out on any contact....period. I feel like I am holding my breathe. Very depressed and down. This is misery. I want to at least know what my next few steps are.or should be.
Bought Christmas cards today. Trying to keep my mood up by sharing some cheer. Now I wonder if I should send her or her family a Christmas card? I feel maybe sending her one would be polite, but I keep second guessing myself. Remember, she gave me nothing from her all year. No cards, no gifts, nothing since last Christmas. We lived together, shared a bed, and I might have gotten a few I love you's, hugs, and kisses on the cheek, but NOTHING else. As 2014 ends....I feel more and more depressed. I need some support/advice/pep talks/honest advice here
I have not been available to her.
I have taken my time with my kids. Played at the parks, had people over for a holiday party, and devoted more time to me, my new home, and my kids. I have been treating her like a neighbor, and not a friend when I have to talk to her in person or on phone.
My C says not to treat her like a neighbor. Maybe she is lonely, missing me.....maybe not, but C feels I need to be friendly and let her come to me. Being friendly may make her feelings come back to what they were when we met. I am the same guy, life just got in our way.
Two weeks ago, Sunday, out of the blue, she calls and asks if I want to go to lunch with her and S3.5. I had my S11 and told her let me see if he was interested and I would text her back. 15 min. Later I agreed to go. S3.5 was not behaving, so she had to cancel. I let it go and never mentioned it.
Following weekend, she moved to her new home. I, again, have not reached out in any way. Sunday she called and asked to come get him at end of day. Said she wants to intro him to his place, instead of me dropping him off at new place. However, I am welcome, just felt he would handle it better.
S3.5 had gotten sick, my day to get him for the week. So, I left work and picked him up at her new home. I was polite, but let him show me things as he wanted. She was chatty, I was nice. We then got to her bedroom door. She said it was her room and asked if I wanted to see it, I said sure. Showed me the room and bath...chatty. I complimented something in the bathroom. She called last night to check on him and when getting off the phone, I went from parent to friend mode. Wishing her a good night and stay warm.
Today she called. S3.5 with me, still sick. She thanks me for taking off and taking care. He chats with her and then says I love you...hands me the phone and says, say I love you dad. I hesitated, but then said it. She paused and said to him, okay, feel better, love you too.
Still looking for sandi2 to give more female perspective.
I guess I am doing okay with her. Trying to apply Corey Wayne's stuff as it applies too. This will take some time, I have plenty of that. I need and want her in my life, romantically. We will see.
Staying positive this holiday season. Wishing for the impossible, hoping for some miracles, and moving forward. Lonely times ahead......reality
Starting to overthink things again. Late night, bedtime thoughts. I must relax and sleep.
Am I doing the right things? My last few posts are, after re-reading, kind of lost and grasping. I am starting to doubt my advices. I know I have to give it time....this has been the worst year of my life.
Anyone?
It seems to be very tough on you, even after all these months. Then again, your W moved out only a couple of months ago, and in many ways, it's the real start of the S. You still have tons of contact with her and it makes detachment so much harder. As you probably know, that's your goal. You need to be in a place where you still love her, but you're not controlled by what she does or says. It's not just to be happier, but also to be more attractive. What will you do to make it happen?
I try not to have contact, unless it is necessary for child. I wait for her call to check on him. I do not text pics, email them, or call to give her updates. Yet she always asks what we did, or if we have plans. I am vague and smile a lot.
Truth is, I am lost and not sure which path is the right one anymore.
This has been a week of very interesting interactions. What do you make of this?
I was off all week with S11. Talked to ex and said since s3.5 has a birthday soon, I would like to take cake and such to his school. She said the teacher and her had talked about later in Jan.. However, she would check. Well, it worked out. She was happy that I was doing that and s3.5 was prepared for my Monday visit to drop off the goods. He had a great day. I had also asked her about visiting on Christmas morning. She said she would not be able to hold him back to wait for my arrival once he awoke. I let that slide. I then mentioned having s3.5 during the day Tuesday and Wednesday she mentioned I could also keep him Tuesday night to spend more time with both kids. So we did. We had a great time. I emailed her prior to Christmas Eve and said that I lived less than 10 min. Away and would be glad to be ready for a call when he awoke, or could come sit out front in the car until called. I said" if you would rather not have me there, please just say so. Well, that got a call. She said I was more than welcome to come. Strange contrast to the comments on the first asking.
I dropped them off to each ex on Christmas Eve. She had gotten a large piece of furniture delivered and was unboxing. I assisted and she was appreciative. I did however, leave her to move and assemble.
Christmas Day I was there first thing. Her parents arrived also, with breakfast. We went in and exchanged gifts. Yes, she got nothing for me. I had three gifts for her. On from the boys and two from Santa. Nothing over $20 each, but very unique and thoughtful items. I had something for the dog, and both parents. Parents got a gift for me, as did s3.5. Ex got a splinter. Was working on it and made a big deal if it. Not like her... She went to get tweezers and the came to the room asking her mother to take a look. No glasses, her mother said....ex handed me the tweezers. I handled it and continued talking with s3.5. I hung around about an hour and then as parents were packing up breakfast, I grabbed my coat and wished everyone a merry Christmas and thanked her for having me. She said " oh your leaving already"? I said yes and made my exit. Told her I would be back at 3 to get son. She said she would bring him to my home.
Came home and prepared house for s11 & s3.5 visit later that day. Then went to my family lunch. She called at 12:30, left a voicemail asking when I thought I would be home. I called her about 1:15 and said I would be there by 3. I told her I would text when I got close. I was 2 blocks from my home and pass her on the road. S11 & I get home, unpack gifts and she arrives about 2 minutes in. Chatty and telling me what they had been doing all day while her parents were visiting out of town. ( our divorce and schedule kept her from going.)
She comes in and walks him to the tree and stacks of gifts. Asks if she can watch him open. ( I knew this was the plan all along.) I told her sure she was welcome to stay and offered her something to drink. ( being friendly and polite) she had a lot to say. Asked all about my family lunch and she named everyone that was there....etc. after gifts she asked were I put my gift from s3.5. I told her I had not unpacked it yet. She said oh, you did not come home after you left my house? I said I had, but had other things to do.( the gift from "him" was a pic in a nice frame) she stated, "oh, I thought it would look nice on the mantle in this room." Etc.etc.
I mentioned family that would be coming by as they passed through town. Told her it would be about 30 minutes. Well, she made her way to the door..quickly, as if trying to get out quickly. I wLked her to the door as the boys played, as she closed the door, I called her name and opened the door. I looked at her in the eyes, with a smile, and said...Merry Christmas. She looked at me and said merry Christmas and as she did, puckered and went to blow a kiss...stopped herself as soon as he hand got close to her mouth ( like she realized what she was doing) and smiled as that hand went up into a wave. Hahahah, standing 6 feet from me was this person, so unsure of her actions that she did this???? WOW?
I feel she is lonely, reality is setting in, and misses me. I am letting her come to me. Not inviting her. If I want to do something, I am direct. I never offered to let her come over today, but she came to me, and I allowed it with open arms and was simply polite.
Thoughts?.
The day after Christmas was a nice day outside. Both of my sons played in the yard almost all day. S 11 took a short video of them talking about what they were playing. He sent it to me and it was so cute I sent it to her. I rarely send her anything like that but the holiday spirit had gotten the best of me I just had to share.
S3 .5 had a birthday after the holidays. We had the party at her house and went over in the afternoon . S3 .5 had asked if she could come over to play with his Christmas items after his party. I texted her to let her know and her reply was, "OK. Sounds good". We arrived at the party and immediately she started being very chatty and nervous. I tried to remain calm and cool and did the father thing. She had a bottle of wine for the adults so I excepted a glass hopefully to take the edge off. We did the cake and birthday thing and while he was opening his last gift I looked at the wine bottle to see what kind it was. When she saw this she immediately went the fact her realtor gave it to her and it was supposed to be a good wine etc.
After the party I asked if both boys could stay with her while I ran to the grocery as I had dinner planned. She gladly excepted and asked that I call her when I leave the store. 30 minutes later as I left the store I called I arrived home and got things ready to start dinner. Again not inviting her to do things with me and letting her come to me. She ride with the boys and they played in the front room. She walked in and I asked if she wanted something to drink she more than happily said yes please. She saw some chips sitting on the table and asked if she could have a chip. I jokingly said yes but only two. She smiled. As the first plate of food was done I called one of the boys in and then followed with would you like one? She said no I need to be going and quickly made her exit after saying her goodbyes to the boys.
I worked out of town for New Year's and did not hear from anyone while I was gone. I arrived home New Year's afternoon and hung around the house Friday trying to catch up from the holidays. Normally S3 .5 goes to bed about 730 or eight however on Fridays he gets to stay up late usually until he falls asleep. My phone rings at 7:30 Friday night and it is her. She is telling me that he wanted to call and she asks if I'm home... and I said yes, I'm home cooking dinner. So I listen to her tell me about how you've been acting in what he's been doing as he didn't seem too interested in talking once she was done I told him goodbye and she called my name as though I was just going to hang out without telling her goodbye. She told me to have a nice evening enjoy my dinner and they would talk to me later.
I called her Monday evening and asked if I could take S3 .5 to dinner on Tuesday night. She seemed excited about it and he did not. So I told her never mind it's not a big deal. She said no sometimes he doesn't want to go to school but I'm taking anyway if that is what you want to do you need to do it. So I told her I would take him to dinner. I picked him up tonight he was fine we had a good dinner and when we're almost to her house I called to let her know we were close. I arrived her front door was open and she was putting together furniture that she had gotten it. There were some awkward things I noticed. She seemed to be somewhat nervous and chatty and I was polite but did not have much to say. She then asked what I thought she was going to ask me Friday night. She asked me a lot of questions about my working out of town last week. She asked how my New Year's was and how everything is been going. She asked if I wanted to remove some of his toys to have at my house I looked around and said it's too much to think about right now I'll just make some sort of a list and then I can get them next time. I then gave him kisses goodbye and as I went to the door she followed me trying to make eye contact and smile at me. She said have a good night, hope dinner was fun, stay warm and I guess I'll talk to you again on Sunday. we can decide if I'm going to bring pick him up from you or if you were going to bring him home.
I've been coming here not so often but when I do I make a long journaling post. My question is still the same and I would like some sort of replies here. I'm starting to get confused with her.
I'm trying not to show too much interest of being very polite when she comes to me. I'm very uncomfortable being around her and my child tells me that he misses me he tells mommy that he misses me. He also mentioned tonight that mommy also says that she misses me. I told him when he misses me, to call me. I told him when mommy says she misses me, tell mommy to call daddy. I told him it would make me very happy if mommy called me. He said it would make him happy if mommy called me and then want to meet a look at the big smile on his face.
What could possibly be going through her head at this point? The holidays are over and she won't be seeing me as much. Could reality be setting in now that she's in her own home by herself and the holidays are over? I've been watching more of the Corey Wayne videos and reading his book I know what to do when she makes the first move but how much time is enough time for her to really miss me? I know I'm going to get a vague answer for that last question but I miss getting feedback.
Happy new year everyone. I appreciate what this forum has done for me and I hope you find more peace in your life this year.
Stayed home today from work. Been trying to ignore my depressing feelings...faking it to feel happy. Point is, I am run down and also sick. I want her in my life romantically and so far feel I have stuck to the coparent/no friend deal. It is hard.
What I want is a romantic relationship with her. I cannot say or act on that and know I have to wait for her, but it is so odd. Odd being around her, having her nervously chat, Throw in questions here and there because she is afraid to just have a normal conversation. If she cares what I am doing/feeling, why does she not come out and just say it? Why dance around? What does she expect from me?
I understand how hard it is. I miss him so much but he is extremely mad at me. He put a restraining order on me. I cant contact him. He does what he wants now I just found out he did this. I had to call a lawyer. I have court on Feb 5, he is really really mad. I have to also think he is with ow. I have been changing my thought process alot. Nipping any thoughts in the bud. He talked to our son yesterday and he told him he would be their helping if he hadnt put the restraining order on me. Well just so you can see their is alot worse sitch. But remember its wise to work on you. So in my crazy sitch. I have been working on not reacting to H but only responding. Just hold on and focus on you until you can be the man she wants she will desire you if you get that man she first fell in love with. Just think you have time to work on you and be an even better first time around man. You can consciously make better choices in loving her focus on getting you right. She will see and if she does not you will be ok with that!! GAL ON!!!
Could she possibly be waiting on me to make the first move? I haven't seen any signs that she might be interested other than puppy dog eyes nervous chat. She's not tried to physically touch me, so I am pretty sure that she's not waiting on me. Everything I've read says I have to wait for her, however, what if that's wrong?
I'm not trying to mind read here. I'm just confused as to what I need to focus on other than just myself. I do have to interact with her because of our children. Friday pick up is easy as there's no contact however she tends to want to keep Sunday drop off as a point of contact so that she can call usually around 10 AM Sunday morning and say I'll come pick him up. Most of the time I think it's because she wants to come to my home. When I take him to her house she tends to want to stand around and chat.
I guess I'm being impatient she moved out of our family home at the beginning of December and I had moved out back in October.
She does reach out to me when I'm physically in the same room with conversation questions I give egg answers but I'm friendly. I feel like I'm not being a jerk but that I'm showing I'm not interested. Do I need to show I'm interested? Or do I let her make that move?
Tell her "it was nice to see you" when you leave next. Or if you feel it hug her while saying it. If you have no expectations she'll feel that and be more open. Most important thing is to do those things w/a smile on your face & look her in the eyes.
Just my 2 ¢. I too have noticed it's a lot harder to get vets to comment after divorce, but that's cool. Good luck.
I have had vets comment post divorce. Sandi2 and a few others. Read my threads.
That being said...My merry christmas caught her off guard, maybe I will do the nice to see you thing.
Anyone else want to chime in here? Thanks bravo61 for your input
Newb3.just read your thread. I am know vet, what I will say is I think you are handling yourself very well. I think there comes a time when us Lb.spouse realize that all we can control is us. You are absolutely correct in your approach to not wanting to be freinds. Let's face it they fired us as there spouse. It's like being fired from a job. You don't want to burn any bridges.If she wants you back the only way it will ever work is for her to come back and you will need to step back and not be too available. Keep being the man you are and want to be and good things will come your way. Keep up the good work and live your life so your kids can see the good man you are.
Igit,
Thanks for taking the time to help me. I feel lost these days and try to keep going.
Nervous about my future today. Is this a test from her or is she as confused as I am?
Mr. Bond you have been here. After reconciling, did your wife admit anything to you? Am I waiting for her when I should take the bull by the horns ? She really try's to not send the wrong signals as far as gifts, cards, or talking about her feelings. However, her body language and trying to have reasons to call, conversations about what I am up to and telling me everything about what her and son have been doing..... Am I mind reading?
Newb3,brother I feel for you. I can tell you my sitch is different but similiar. My w had Affair then decided she wanted a D,this was 11 months ago. We are still in the same house. D process started and wife wants me to be freinds and live here together until june. It is very hard to detach and been hell on the kids. she is a roller coaster. She wants to be freinds and I have zero interest in that and have told her so. W is very controlling and thinks not much will change for kids. You have to decide if you want to be her friend or not. Personally after 19yrs together and the choices she has made I don't need freinds like her. It's like she wants you to be there like a platonic freind. Not in my cards. I would be interested in what bond and starsky have to say.
Igit,
Living together hurts. You go through waves of emotions. Mad, upset, sad...etc. get out, make the first move. It is freeing.
My WAW now has nothing to talk to me about other than s4. She tries...I feel she is reaching out, but reality is setting in now that the holidays are over and she is moved too. I am trying to let her come to me. Watching every Corey Wayne thing he sends.....it is just not enough. Not similar enough for my sitch right now. So, I reach out here.
Newb3, I have tried very hard at this and did ic. Divorce coach, read 30 books, been super dad,etc..all advise stay in home don't leave. Well its been a year and that ain't working either. Did the GAL been freindly, so don't beat yourself up. I KNOW it's super hard with your 4yr old.
I have 3 kids with her and I have not left yet because of them.
I think you are doing everything right at this point. Keep up the positive attitude. Don't initiate anything. If she wants you back you will know. Right now she probably thinks she can still have you if she wanted. You know that has to change!
As soon as she sees she is loosing you she will either make it apparent that she made a mistake and want to work on things. At that point you may not want her back.
Hang tuff! Read the bible! Good life book!
How can I show her she cannot have me if she wanted? I am showing no interest, however, she keeps pushing the conversations. I am vague. I always dress well and look as if I have plans.
I am not always available to answer the phone. When she calls, first hing is "are you busy?" I always make time for her and say no.
I have done 180's since May 2014. She sees it. However, it is just weird right now. I dare not go on a date and be seen... Not fair to the other person, as I would be faking it at this point. Plus, I do not want to play games. I would not like it if she did that to me. I know she wouldn't.
She did mention the other night that he has been giving her a hard time. I'm talking about S4. So this morning she calls while I'm driving into work and says "are you driving to work? Well I'm having a really tough time with him this morning and as I've told you I have had a hard week with him." We then have a little conversation. I empathize with her and tell her I understand that he is difficult sometimes and I'm sorry she's having a tough time. I talked on speakerphone to Asfoor worked out a deal so that he would cooperate. She then takes the phone on speaker phone and tells him to tell me goodbye and then she says thank you and calls my name. She then said "I hope you have a good day today thanks for your help." I say you're welcome have a good day, it was nice to talk to you.
She calls back within five minutes and I can barely make out what she says because she is now starting to cry. She said "I can't do this. He's not cooperating. I'm going to be so late for work. I don't know what to do." The original deal was she was going to call me when she dropped him off at daycare and let me know how it went so he would either get his surprise when I picked him up or not. So the last thing she said was "I will call you later and let you know how drop off went thank you."
I know that he is been telling her that he misses me and from what he says mommy says the same thing. I know from talking to my counselor that him asking her why doesn't daddy live here and questions about wanting me to live with them and missing me is probably my best chance at this point. I say my best chance, I mean best chance for really getting to her quickly.
I never heard back from her. Left work early to go get S4. Texted her from the parking lot asking if he deserved his prize. She called me within 2 minutes. She said that she was not sure what else to do with him and maybe I could get him to behave. She said it has been very hard this week. She said he was "Okay", but it still took a few more minutes this morning.
I told her I would skip it then. She said hope you have a good night and weekend. I said okay and we got off the phone.
So, I know she has trouble with S4. He always tells me mommy misses me and he does too. She called me this morning when she could not handle him. Weird, that is not co-parenting.....She wanted this and now has it. She cannot handle him and is upset about it. Well, I Give her no parenting advice, I just talk to him and try to get it handled. Eventually, I will not be so available for her to run to. I feel that is wrong,but I know her lack of interest in a relationship with me is exactly what she is getting. I do not want to be a "friend", I am not interested. I have said it to her many times and even in Counseling.
So, there is nothing to guess on her end. I am not sending mixed signals, but getting impatient with this. Either tell me how you feel and lets get on with it, or I'll move along.
Female friends say get a "date" and make sure she knows...that should rush things along. Well, that is a game....last thing I want. This situation is hard enough.
Newb3,I think you are handling yourself very well. I agree with the know friend policy. I will be going through the same thing very soon. Except x 3 kids. WAW's seen too think they will be better mom's because they will be happy. I don't see the correlation! Keep on GAL and be super dad when given the chance. Don't loseyour temper, don't bring up R ,keep it all business. Date if you feel like it.
Looks like this thread is almost full. I will start another soon. Any other advice for this guy in limbo? The roller coaster has come to a stop for now. I am confused and wandering this place hoping to run into some more guidance before I get back on.
Thanks for all past and future help here. I'm the man I want to be. Doing what I want to do. I am just not with the one I want to be with. I don't need her, but I want her in my life. Romantically or not at all.
So, in my quest for knowledge and being a better man. Sans 180's, post divorce, anti-friend zone. I have gone on an Internet reconnaissance mission.
Looking at women that are friend zoned and how the get stuck, and get out. Not that I plan on getting friend zoned here.
Here is an excerpt ( this was written from a woman's point of view)..."That’s why you have to tell your best friend the truth: you’re in love with him, and because of that, you can’t be friends anymore. Yep, just like a break up. If he can’t see himself romantically with you, you’re going to have to cut him off entirely – not because you don’t care, not because you won’t miss him, but because at this time, you want to focus your energies on finding a life partner. He’ll protest, of course, but he really has no leg to stand on. If he loves you, he should want you to find the man you deserve.
You just have to have the guts to go out and find him, instead of waiting for your best friend to suddenly change his tune about you after three years."
Hmm, so that takes the wind out of the friend zone sails. The article mentions friend zoning is "All he has to do is be your best friend in a low-stakes platonic relationship. He gets all his needs met – and is still free to date other people." Mentions no dinners bought, unless he wants to. AND does not have to let you see his relationship flaws. Well in my case, and all of us here...we know our spouses flaws. More than likely, if you have dug deep, you know yours as well.
Hope this helps someone here. Back to my quest. Have a great one! Go buy yourself something, get a new hobby, go be yourself (for yourself). Take a day off.
Drop off of S4 went horrible this evening. He was excited from noon until we left to see his mom. Since she had a tough time with him last week I took it upon myself on the way over to remind him to be kind dues he was told and make sure he gave hugs and kisses when he saw her today. He took some toys with him and was very nice on the way over. When we arrived he went to the door with some of his toys as he did not want me to talk to his mommy. When he came back to the car I had almost everything out and sitting ready for him, however, he got into the car and said he did not want to stay he wanted to go home with me.
I locked the car doors and took everything up to the door and she open the door. She welcomed me and asked how everything was and was very kind. I laid everything of his on the couch and explained that he was not so great this weekend as he has problems with not liking authority he continuously will ask a question if he does not get the answer he wants. I'm sure she gives in and she probably feels guilty about this whole situation. But then again that would be mind reading.
She came to the car and asked me what I was going to do I took my jacket off and put it in the car and she said rather than both of us stand here I will go ahead and go inside. I said nothing to her and told him if he did not get out of the car that there will be no surprises this week when he came to visit. I then said I will count to three and you need to go inside. With a you can't catch me, he ran out of the car and to the front door. I went to the front door he opened it and said I'm going to close it so you can't come in as he went to close it I walk to the car. I got into the car locked the doors and rolled up the window. He went inside so I thought. As I started the car he came outside. I told him I was leaving and that he needed to go in the house. I started the car and he started to walk back his mother came out looked at me and said I thought you were still here I didn't know you were leaving. I told her that he had already made it inside was going to slam the door in my face so I was leaving. Without saying much she walked back towards the door and motioned him on. Before he can get to the front door and before she could check where I was I was out of the driveway and leaving.
I was really indifferent to the whole situation, it was simply a troublesome drop off. I need to have no conversations with her or discuss anything with her of any importance. I hope it sits well with her.
Again going want to get feeling here but I hope doing what I am is the correct thing. Not sure how to show her I've completely let go other than to be kind, do my parental duty, and leave it at that.
Now that I am home...thinking about her. I feel empty and alone.
Guess my problem is that I am still emotionally attached. I miss her dearly. We were best friends, lovers, and then the BD. WTH? So now I choose to not be friends if she cannot be romantic. So, is this a stand-off? Do I give in to the friendship to simply be in her life?
Confused.
Your description of the drop off sounds...not so good. S4 doesn't seem to be comfortable. You and XW should be working together to help him atdrop off. Its already hard enough for him to understand.
Working with XW, perhaps going inside with them and being civil would work well instead of the scenario you wrote about. What's are you doing for YOU to feel better and become all that you want in your new life?
Peace...
Your description of the drop off sounds...not so good. S4 doesn't seem to be comfortable. You and XW should be working together to help him atdrop off. Its already hard enough for him to understand.
Working with XW, perhaps going inside with them and being civil would work well instead of the scenario you wrote about. What's are you doing for YOU to feel better and become all that you want in your new life?
Peace...
This was ONE bad drop off. Usually it goes pretty well. We do work together, but her going inside and not being "available" when he goes in??? I mean he closed the door, I went to my car. He came back out, unknowingly to her. OKAY, maybe she thought I was still dealing with him and went to the kitchen, or maybe she thought I was going to visit for a few. I was done.
For me, I am focusing on my new home. Cooking more. Trying to focus on my kids and not her. I have emotionally drained myself trying to "detach" from her. I know that is the only way to get her to see what she has and has not. I need to just make the leap. She will feel it, but then what? Is it really that complicated? She is focusing on many things to avoid (it appears). However, the S4 and I are a constant reminder. She got what she wanted. I have been the best I can through this, but am just tired of the game. If she wants me, I am here, just not showing all my cards. Again, I am dark 90% of the time. Giving her the space she needs to see what she needs to. I do not run to the phone when she calls, nor text back as soon as I can. I wait and let her feel the distance. She is not the most important thing in my life anymore. She threw that away. She threw me away. My love for her was something I never have felt before. She had never had anyone treat her/ romance her/ care for her, like I did. Now, here we are. We cannot even be comfortable around each other for the raw feelings and unsureness of where we stand with each other. I am personally trying to make her see where she stands with me. She comes 4th in my list of priorities.
25yrsmlc really nailed some of my worries on this thread. I feel linking these nuggets of pure gold may help someone else too.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2522816&page=8
So this evening I get a call from ex-wife and she wants to give me an update on how S4 did this morning. She said things went well and he was doing well tonight. I then explained to her drop off yesterday and that I would not ever leave my child on the doorstep and just drive on. She understood and did not seem to have any problems with what I said. She then said we'll see how things go tomorrow. I told her what I had talked to S4 about on yesterday.
So this whole conversation was about S4. However, then she asked me about my broken cell phone. I told her pretend you have a phone with black tape on the screen. I'm depending on Siri to do most of my calls.
She then said well how should I get in touch with you? I told her she can just call. She said well let me know if you need anything. I'm not sure what I can do for you. But let me know.
She then followed with I will call you in the morning and give you an update on how things went. We then we're about to get off the phone and I told her well thanks for the update it was good to hear from you. She said have a good night talk to you later bye.
So as you can see we have coparenting going on. Yet she still has to throw in some personal things offering help and such. Not reading much into it just letting it be just updating in case anyone has any advice here.
She has called me almost daily this week. Everything is about S4. But then will say things like, hope everything is going okay with you. Hope you have a good night. Talk to you soon.
S4 tells me the other night that he misses his family. What a profound thing to say for a little guy. He said he wants his mommy at my house and me at mommy's house. I often have heard this from him and assume he wanted us to switch houses. However this week, I looked at him and said do you mean you want mommy to live at my house when you're there and I live at mommy's house when you're there? He said yes.
Against my better judgment the other day, I sent her an article on parenting tips from a schoolteacher. I said nothing I just simply forwarded the article. She replied shortly thereafter thanks for this I need all the help I can get. Funny thing is she had all the help she can get when she had me.
Today she calls shortly after lunch and asked if I had a talk with S4 about the class she signed him up for. That was all based on our last conversation. I told him I waited till the voicemail was sent and I wasn't. I called her back and hour later and left her a voicemail stating that I had talk to him and that he was excited about the class.
After much reading this week I'm doing my best to stay out of the friend zone.
So tonight she calls me to ask me if I recall that I am watching him tomorrow. I said yes I will be there early. She then tells me how she's had a rough weekend and since it was nice whether, she had plans to take him to the zoo. He was very excited last week about that. When the time came Saturday he did not want to change out of his PJs. He is done that all weekend. Ask him if he wants to go to the park he gets excited about it but will not change out of his PJs and so he says, let's just stay home. She said so all weekend I had no choice but to stay in the house. We've done nothing. And the weekends over. My thoughts here are if we were together I could've stayed home you could've gone out and vice versa. However she chose to go this alone, so she has to deal with that not me.
I didn't told her that he seemed quite sad last week and maybe that's the problem and that he had said some things. She said he hadn't said anything to her. Well I told her what he said about wanting his family back. She said he came in this morning when he woke up he screamed her name ran into her room knocked over a piece of furniture and began hitting her in the face. I explained to her that he may be having emotions that he doesn't know how to deal with. He's angry and sad. I've seen that myself although he doesn't get me. She said well I seem to be catching the brunt of it.
Although I didn't say it, surely anyone can see, he is mad at her for breaking up the family. He senses it somehow. I've never told him it's mommy's fault. Any suggestions on this?
Cannot stop thinking about S4. He clearly wants us back. He had also said, and yes, I told her....I want you to live at mommys house and mommy to live at your house. He said that following the I want my family back comment. So, although he had said that before...within this context, I did not think he was just being silly.
I did have him clarify...he wants mommy and daddy together with him, in the same home daily.
Now that she knows this, I know it will weigh on her.
I am sad for him, and getting down again.
I have not had comments or advice here in a while. My C has been on vacation since before Christmas and I am lonely, tired, and emotionally a mess tonight.
Sandi2? Mr. Bond? Wonka? Mlc25yrs? Any words of encouragement or wisdom you can share?
Tonight she calls. She asks if I am busy. I tell her I am eating dinner. She then tells me that S4 is giving her a really tough time. She put her phone on speaker and asks S4 if he wants to talk to daddy. He says hi. Tells me he does not like his mommy. He says he will kick her and punch her and going to throw food at her. I tell him we do not do things like that and that he needs to love mommy and be nice. I hear her tell him not to throw food. She then says to call her tomorrow about dropping him off at my home. She is in tears to the point she can almost not speak. I tell her I am sorry she is having a tough time and hoped it got better. She said thank you for saying that and said she will talk to me tomorrow.
He is really raking her over the coals about this split up family. I feel for her, but cannot help but think she knows this was all a mistake at this point. Her child is suffering, lashing out, asking for his family back. He is only 4. Makes me angry and sad. I have given her the space she asked for. I still never call, email, text, etc. she has to call me 99% of the time.
Thoughts on this? Recommendation on how I should approach her, if at all?