Time for a new thread.
Last thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2476178&page=11I don't really have anything to say but left a loong post on my last thread, that's enough sharing for now!
Awww K, I read your post and you're in a tough, painful place.
About the "whose problem is it" question I asked, I appreciate the answer but what I see happening is, you won't let his problems be his problems. You bail him out either emotionally or physically, ie., who's stressed about what his not doing right now with the bill? You take it on instead of leaving it with him.
Do you love him enough to be able to live with the differences the 2 of you have without expecting him to change?
Hmm... I kind of see what you are saying, but I guess I feel like his problems are becoming my problems - namely because when he doesn't transfer the bills, now they are being paid partially with MY money, as opposed to just HIS money. I don't want to lose out on $100+ a month. I suppose I could just leave it be and when whatever happens, happens (we'd either close the joint account or start using it again for our joint bills) I could go through the transaction history and figure out what he owes me, though harder to keep track of it and no guarantee I'd get my money back. Maybe what you're saying is that instead of continually stressing about it, I should just remind him of what he agreed to do, leave it at that, and then if it's still not done the next month reassess my strategy?
I had felt like we had gotten to a good place last summer/fall with living with the differences between us (we struggled a bit when we bought a house the year before and managing all of that). But I guess that was just what I felt, and not him. I felt like I was accomodating more than he was, but I loved him enough that he was OK with it. THAT H was fine. But then the H at/after BD said he wasn't standing up for himself, not getting his needs met, etc., and then he became much more pushy and selfish, for lack of a better description... more "my way or the highway, here's the door if you don't like it, this is what I want and I won't compromise anymore, you're asking too much of me" and this newer H I could not live with (because then I'd have to accomodate and compromise even MORE than I was before to make it work and it's just too much.) Like his complaint after BD about mowing the lawn and doing the dishes being too much in one day - I don't have kids for a reason, I don't want to have to do everything as if I'm his mom.
Sorry, edit: I felt like I was accomodating more than he was, but I loved him enough that *I* was OK with it.
Exciting news! I adopted a cat today. He's super cute - he has long black hair and green eyes. He's a very shy cat and needs a lot of time to adjust. He's hiding right now but with time he should warm up and be more social. Yay!
It took me awhile but after a lot of reassurances from friends about how I could cross that bridge later if I move back home, that I need to focus on myself and my needs and wants right now, etc. All things we've talked about here but it's nice to hear that reassurance in real life, too.
Congratulations! Furry family members are wonderful:-)
My new little buddy has been keeping me pretty busy! This cat was actually adopted and returned twice because he was too shy and wouldn't come out of hiding. He came out for me though the first night he was here
Probably helps it's just me and no kids! We've been working on playing, eating, and trying to get his fur in shape. He has a lot of knots and mats so he might need a belly shave... poor little guy. Having a pet makes me feel more settled. I really missed "our" cat and sometimes when I saw a shadow I thought it was her.. then remembered she wasn't here. I really can have a good life without H, if it comes to that. I have a place to live, I have transportation (old as it may be.. still no luck on the car search), food, a pet, a good job, and money left over for fun things. It will be OK, maybe even better than OK. It's not what I wanted, still isn't what I want, and I still feel strongly that our issues would be resolveable if H would be honest about what they were and want to discuss/work on them, but that's beyond my circle of influence right now.
Some of the ladies here have been talking about their H's dating lately and whether or not they should make that some sort of boundary or deal breaker, or even be able to ask. I guess I feel like it doesn't matter right now. H said he didn't want to be married so in his mind it's done, how can I tell him he can't date (or whatever it might be... hook-ups? eww) At this point I think I will only concern myself with it if we ever started talking/rebuilding our R again.. I just don't see myself being OK with never knowing what happened. I'd rather get it out in the open once and then leave it be, than always wonder what happened, especially given we had little to no dating history before each other. I still don't know if H actually getting physical with anyone is a deal breaker for me. At first I thought it wouldn't be, back when I was desperate and felt like I'd do anything to get him back. Now I'm not so sure. I guess I'll just be OK with "I don't know" on that one right now and ponder it if or when I ever have to..?
I'm with you on your last point. If I was being really and truly honest with myself, I'd say my ex probably has been physical with someone since the DB - given it has been nine months, and him not getting his needs met was one of our main issues. I'd like to think otherwise, but it seems unrealistic. However, because I don't *know* for sure, I don't let myself go there. If/when it comes to a R, I would need to know though, for the sake of being safe, sure, but also because - like you said - I don't want to wonder about the "what ifs."
In fact, your entire last paragraph pretty much sums up my feelings on the matter.. so, you're not alone!
Congrats on your cat. I have a plan to get a pet as soon as I am financially able, but when it comes to crunch time, I sometimes wonder if I'll have an issue since me and my ex talked relentlessly about getting a puppy together.
Vossy- the cat was a struggle for me because H has our cat and we don't think she really gets along with other cats. I worried that if we got back together that I'd have to give the cat up. But that all seems so unlikely now, who cares.
So H texted me tonight asking if I wanted some food he wasn't going to eat because he "wasn't going to eat much pasta anymore. " Weird from a guy who loves mac and cheese and spaghettios. I know his workout freak friend is always stressing certain foods so I thought I was just being interested when I texted back "Are you going all protein and veggies?" He wrote back "Why would u ask that? Not that it's any of your business..." but then still proceeded to tell me he was going to be eating healthier etc. etc. I responded that I was just curious because it was interesting, and "Didn't need that reminder about it not being my business. Ouch." Because it did hurt and im not just going to act like its ok for him to be so rude like that. Am I wrong in thinking he kind opened the conversation? He could have just said "Do u want some of this food?" And left it at that. Guess I walked into that one. Hard not to wonder why/for who he is trying to get into shape for. Guess that was my 2x4 to not engage in anything conversational. Should I explain I was just being conversational or forget it?
I typed that last post on my phone while waiting to pick up a pizza, so didn't have much time to elaborate. It's frustrating that H gets in these "sharing" modes where he texts/emails a bunch of stuff, but then when I when I ask a follow-up question or ask anything at all, really, now it's not my business. He only wants conversation to be on his terms. His whole "why would you ask that? It's none of your business" sounds pretty final and doesn't leave much room for hope. Feels like he's burning some bridges here in not caring if he says something hurtful. I talked to his sister today who told me that he's working w/ his friend (who works for a supplement company, super into nutrition and fitness and somewhat quacky things like only eat at certain times of the day and only X things) on a supplement/workout regimen and "bulking up." It's so strange because H is a pretty small guy (5'8'', 150 lbs, not an ounce of fat on him but average muscle) and adding more muscle is going to look strange on his small frame (overcompensation??) His sister said he wants to look like his friend, which isn't going to be possible because friend is taller and bigger overall to begin with. Sister also mentioned again that these friends don't have girlfriends and he spends a lot of time with them.. his family is really hung up on the fact that these friends don't have gfs.
I told h's sis "let me know if you see any signs of hope! seems like he's liking his single life" and she said "I'll let you know either way, but to be honest he doesn't share much." Who is this guy and what has he done with my H? I can try and joke to myself and think "Guess we really aren't compatible because I love my carbs and pasta!" but it's only partly a joke.. because honestly how would we make food together and enjoy anything if he's on a no carbs, fish oil, eggs and chicken breasts, five small meals a day plan? I guess when people change during this process, it's not always changes that bring you closer together.
I'm considering saying "nevermind, you can donate the food or trash it" because I don't feel like picking it up, because then I'd have to interact with him. It's just not worth it. It's much better when there's no interaction and I can pretend he just fell off the face of the earth, instead of out there doing who knows what without me.
People absolutely can be married and be on completely different diets. It's not easy but it can totally be done.
Frankly, the fact that your H likes mac and cheese and spaghetti-o's is very in-line with his behavior in that text exchange. He's acting like a child. I'd ignore it. Pasta is cheap, let him donate it or find someone else for it to go to. He could have texted 100 other people about his not needing the pasta but he texted YOU. He pursued you, you responded and he pulled away with his "it's not your business" crap.
I'm not you and I'm no vet but he's acting younger than my D6. I'd NC big time. I wouldn't want to be his mother.
The bulking up thing is very indicative of him trying to up his sexy-factor. Douche.
Ha! Ss, you made me chuckle
I have been thinking a lot lately "what a douche!" (glad that isn't a censored word) as opposed to "I miss him so much, why oh why?" which may be an improvement in my thinking? The nutrition thing was something we did not agree on before BD so I guess now he feels like he can finally embrace this "lifestyle" with his friends. And by nutrition, I mean his friend was all about rules like - don't eat after 9pm, only eat fruit at certain times of day, only eat these things for lunch, etc. Things that generally speaking have no scientific basis - I work in a science department at a university and am surrounded by people with PhDs in nutrition and biochemical sciences, so I think I have some solid logic behind some simple facts like if you intake more calories than you burn, you'll gain fat, working out will build muscle, and the majority of Americans consume way beyond the rec'd daily amount of protein so protein supplements aren't necessary unless you're a marathoner/body builder/something like that. But he was also certain that his friend who worked for GHC or whatever was the authority. We'll see if he turns out as sexy as he thinks
You're so right, he really didn't need to ask me about the food. He could have just left it, or donated it, or whatever, so he didn't have to reach out to me. The pursuer/distancer dynamic rears its head again!
His sister asked me if I was going to tell H that I got a cat. I'm thinking not. None of his business, right?
Kgirl, I think we cycle through "what a douche" and "I miss him so" -- sometimes in the same day!
Nothing is final. He doesn't even know if he wants to divorce. It's SO not final.
WRT the cat, when you're ready to know what you want a little more, it might be worth while to think strategically about what you communicate with him. He's weird with the "not your business" thing, but that suggests a hot-button issue as much as pursuer-distancer (of course I only have the one example so...)
From time to time I do think to myself "well, he hasn't said yet that he's starting the divorce, so there's hope" but I don't even know if that means anything anymore. He's a procrastinator. And he said before that he didn't want to hurt me. So I do wonder if his mind is made up but just hasn't gotten around to pulling the trigger yet/is trying to figure out how to do so in the nicest way possible. Blech. Yeah, I'm not really sure what would be a good strategy about communicating with him, besides only keep it to bills and logistics (things that absolutely have to be asked about or shared). Without kids, once the financials are all squared away there'd be zero reason to communicate with him in the future after the D so there's no need to keep an amicable relationship. He will actually fall off the face of "my" earth! I know I'm not supposed to keep score and I'm not sure if this is what that is, but I also don't want to share a bunch of stuff about my life/me and then he shares nothing. We've also had this dynamic for a long time where I'm more open and want to share and want HIM to share and to have access to things (email, his phone, etc.) and then he gets more and more closed off and feels like I'm prying, or don't trust him, or asking too many questions (I think this is where the defensiveness of "none of your business" comes from). I don't want to create something where he thinks it's OK for me to continue to be so open and it's OK for him to continue to be closed off and secretive.
^^^^^^^^^
Yes. The reality is that just because they don't pursue D doesn't mean they are willing to work on the M. Could mean they aren't sure what they want. Could mean they are too lazy to do anything about it. Could mean they view the D process as a technicality as they just live their life like they are D. I don't mean that to be negative- just honest.
KGirl, the food comment about being none of your business made me laugh. Neutral response are best and it may be a good idea to stay dim. In regards to the bills, I'm not sure what the best strategy is. Hope you are enjoying the new kitty.
GB, I'd really like to see a visual of dropping that rope Cirque de Soleil style
I really don't recognize much of anything about H anymore. It's so strange. And if he wasn't only 28 I would swear he is having an MLC - buying new clothes, getting into his new diet/workout plan, going on all kinds of weekend getaways, reinventing himself, etc. Maybe it's a quarter-life crisis. He did say he feels like he missed out on his college days because of me and he didn't make enough friends. So I guess now he's going to be Mr. Social Butterfly. I have no idea if he's still going to IC but I hope so. On a daily basis I wonder if I'm ready to be done with this and file myself because it just may not be overcomeable for me anymore, but my barometer so far has been "If he called you tonight and told you he was so sorry, and really screwed up, and would do anything to make this right, would you consider it?" So far my answer has always been yes, and I've told myself when the answer is "no" then it's time. But I could be willing to give that "yes" answer for a looong time.
My phone opened Pandora without me clicking on it, and the song it played was "What you got" by Pat McGee. The ladies out there who watch for signs from the universe will appreciate the lyrics:
You got to hold on to what you got
Things might fall apart
But it don't mean nothing less you stick to your ways
You got to hold on to what you got
Before you get burned
Couldn't find yourself
Blame somebody else
You never look at me straight in the eye
And you won't even ask why
Must have been something
You don't even seem to mind at all
Nothing could have even been so bad
Too bad Pandora can't magically play this on H's phone.
Ha, those lyrics are spot-on.
With regard to your cat, I wouldn't tell him specifically, but if the other cat comes up in conversation at any point, you could mention it. In terms of your future R and having two cats, just think of it as though you were two people meeting for the first time and deciding to live together. If that was the case, you'd have to figure out how to make two cats learn to live together.. so it's the same thing really.
Ok, I need some help here. On Friday H told me he wasn't eating pasta anymore and wanted to know if I wanted any boxes, and when I asked about why he said "why would you ask that" and said it was not my business. Today he texted me a story about how the cat was trying to climb a curtain and he couldn't figure out why and then found out there was a mouse and they chased it around the bedroom and he wonders where the mice are, etc. I'm confused about why he can talk about some things but others aren't my business. It seems like he only wants to communicate when it's good for him and I don't want to be used, so to speak. I don't know if I should respond at all because he was so not nice before that it doesn't incite me to be conversational. But I also want to keep the road home smooth.
I get that as well. We can have a conversation about anything she wants, as long as it has nothing to do about her thoughts or decisions. She completely shuts down if she feels she is being analyzed.
She can still go on and on about her work or the weather and wants interaction with those things, but if I try to bring in a new subject - look out.
It often feels like I am just an ear and being used. But maybe it is better than no communication at all for now.
KGirl,
From what you've posted, it appears your h shuts you out when you ask a question. He felt comfortable with the Tom & Jerry story (I couldn't resist:-) because HE initiated it. I'm not an expert by any stretch although i don't think a response is necessary unless you have something to add. It may be best to let your h initiate contact for a while unless it's a necessity.
If I recall, you mentioned your h said he felt like he missed out on things because he was in a R. It could be that your h is adjusting to his new freedom and any questions from you seem intrusive. In his mind, it could be that any questions about what he does , eats, etcetera seem like control- from an authoritative figure.
Hang in there. You are doing great !
GB - yes, it seems he's OK w/ initiating conversation but feels threatened if I ask anything about him. It fits with one of the reasons he said was behind DB - that I questioned him too much and wanted to know everything he was doing. I'm not sure I agree with him 100% on that but I think there's a balance we can find between "Sure, you don't have to tell me anything about where you go after work!" and "Who were you with? What'd you drink? Where'd you go? Who did you talk to? What exactly did you eat?" etc.
I responded with "OK, interesting" just so I wasn't completely ignoring him, in hopes of keeping that road paved and smoothed. Which led to this fascinating text exchange:
H: Yes, very interesting. Also, not sure if you still make buffalo chicken chili but I had the brilliant idea of using baby carros, as they were easier to peel and cheaper, instead of regular carrots.
Me: Makes sense. I thought you didn't like the texture of baby carrots so I never bought them [side note - I definitely remember standing in the store with him years ago looking at carrots and him saying he would not eat baby carrots!]
H: Um,I'm pretty sure whenI brought some baby carrots from my mom you said you wouldn't eat them because you didn't like them? O_o. I don't like to eat them plain persay, but it isn't like I wouldn't. I didn't think you liked them at all.
Me: No I don't like them plain either. But in stew and stuff they'd be fine.
H: That makes sense then. I think we usually just didn't get them because there was a deal to buy regular carrots and then we had to use them.
Me: Guess we learned something new today - we both eat them!
I know I didn't need to con't conversing with him and could have just left it. Figured it didn't hurt. But holy jeez, here we are on the brink of divorce and the only convos we are having are about pasta and baby carrots. If I could find that thread of outrageous things the WAS/MLCers say this would be on there for sure. Hope it entertains you all
Today I was walking into work and everything was beautiful - sun was shining, grass was green after a storm last night, perfect temperature. It called to mind a quote I read from an elephant journal article that I re-read regularly (search "why you don't have the balls to be happy"):
"If you would slow down and appreciate what you have daily, happiness might just poke her head out from behind your back and say: hey, here I am. If you would count what you’re grateful for on your fingers and toes every single morning and every single night, you might start to sense what happiness tastes like. When you realize that the fact the sky is blue, the sun rises everyday, and the beat of your pet’s heart are all miraculous, happiness might just start to let you catch her scent."
And that is exactly how I felt this morning - I totally got it. And it also made me think about H's sister saying he's still struggling with finding happiness, and how I feel sorry for him in a way because he cannot appreciate these little everyday occurrences for what they are, and realize that happiness is not about finding this mythical best partner, but perhaps working with what you have and recognizing that there's value in your shared history and that you made that initial decision for some good reason. But that's on him, I guess.
I've done so many interesting and brave things this summer- I think I am making good progress! I went to Las Vegas and the state fair by myself, moved, adopted a cat, spent a weekend w/ friends at a waterpark resort, made the gym somewhat of a habit,and even visited car dealers to check out cars. Meanwhile H is not eating pasta and working on some supplement plan to "bulk up." Hmm. And getting excited about baby carrots because he doesn't have to peel them.
Am I the only person who ever wonders how people were happy 200 years ago when they didn't have the option of taking up crazy diets or leaving their spouses or spending time on xBox? But surely people must have been happy before they had all these memes and gurus telling them how to find it. They can't have all fallen to pieces because their lives were half over and they didn't know who they were.
Maybell- we had a training at work recently about decision-making and how the more choices people have available, the less confident and satisfied they are with their decision once they make it. Maybe that explains it, because there are so many more choices nowadays? I mean, when you have to choose between madden or nba2k or FIFA or halo or whatever else just to play a video game, imagine how many choices you have to make on a regular basis (my H got an xbox360 two weeks before BD so I may be a little bitter...;) )
Or when they look online and see "100 single women in your area are waiting to chat with YOU'"!
Sort of leads them to believe that there's this parade of women we've been keeping from them.
We're so mean. What were we thinking?
-------GGG
Or when they look online and see "100 single women in your area are waiting to chat with YOU'"!
Sort of leads them to believe that there's this parade of women we've been keeping from them.
LOL! Yes, and it's our fault that we were hiding them.
GGG! Thank you for that.
I'll hijack your thread and second that talk about choices leading to fear of missing out on a better choice leading to unhappiness. It's like the Happy Days quote: "happy, happy, happy, you keep searching for happiness and its gonna make you miserable!" This has even led me to wonder if the life of a slave was more fulfilling. I can't quite get behind it, but being forced to accept a difficult reality vs chasing the dragon has appeal. And for that reason I think "fiddler on the roof" is a great movie about the breakdown of tradition when people knew "who they were and what god expected them to do".
I was reading about depression a while back and found something so interesting. Some sociologists were curious about how primitive tribes dealt with their members with depression. Problem- they couldn't find any. Apparently their lifestyles were naturally developed to get them what we all need. Then look at ways to overcome depression, they're all things those tribes did daily: plenty of excercise, good diet, sunlight, community connection, tight knot families, spirituality.
Guess I just had to hop in. Been a tough night for me and you all are the only people with the collective patience enough to hear about it. Take care!
I just thought I'd jump in here and say that I think 200 years ago, there was no one talking about happiness and "are you really happy?" It was simply about getting through the day and surviving. Your day/life was about work and making ends meet. Now we put so much value in "are we happy" and I think that is what sends people off the deep end. Just looking around on the internet and you see taglines like "having it all" and "being happy" and it's no wonder that people wonder what they're missing out on.. there is always something better.
I may not be articulating myself the best (had a long family lunch w/- alcohol) but that's my 0.2 cents!
^^^^^^^^^^
Yes. I don't intend to offend anyone with this post, however Americans are very guilty of buying into the happiness trap. Everything must be bigger, newer, better shinier and THEN you will be happy. Nope. Nada. I had a friend tell me they couldn't understand why our mutual friend Z wasn't happy. Z's husband left her with 2 kids under 3 to find happiness. Money does not erase pain. If it did, celebrities and professional athletes would never check in to rehab for ahem , "exhaustion".
And don't get me started on age. I the US, society thinks you are old at 30. So what does that mean at 60? Really old? More people live to 100. 80? Very, very old. 90? Decrepit. All of that dumps into the "happiness facade" pedaled by our society. I was wearing one of those tshirts that's says "home" with a pic of my home state and s11 said," that shirt makes you look really you g mommy." I said," thanks. I have zero desire to be younger."
Baby carrots, huh?:)
Baby carrots are the same as regular carrots, except that they've been run through a machine to peel & shape them.
How's that for peddling happiness??
Exciting news update - I bought a car today! I found a cute little dark orange Honda Fit that was within my price range and qualifications, checked it out yesterday, and bought it today! The process was not bad at all. My dad is rather stingy with money, I guess you could say, and growing up he always talked about how car dealers were out to cheat you and scam you so I had this expectation that I had to be totally on my guard and assume they were bad people. But they weren't, it was great and easy and even a little fun! Well, until the loan prequalification thing.. once again my M status tripped us up because when I applied for individual credit, my income alone compared to my debts disqualified me. The finance person came running out and said "you're married?! I didn't know that." Apparently usually people who are married apply for joint credit so they were confused. They just added H's income as joint income, without needing him as a cosigner, and it all turned out. Still irked me, though. My dad also had some choice comments like "I don't know that I would have bought this until they buffed those scratches out," but I'm going to choose to not let him bring me down
I need to keep in mind that my dad is the type of guy who will push so hard and be so rude that car dealers won't work with him in the future.
H knows I was looking at cars (because remember, he told me it "wasn't a good time," even though I'm only getting a car because we are S, because we had previously shared his car) but I did not inform him that I actually bought one. I don't know that I need to or care to let him know. He might find out through the facebook grapevine, which is fine.
I've got a cat, a car, a place to live.. all I need now is a kitchen table (I have a card table right now) and I think I'll feel fully settled
I know I don't need "things" to be happy, but it's been hard for me to give up/lose a bunch of the things that H has kept (house, car, cat) that contributed to my day-to-day standard of living.
Congrats, K-girl! Drive that baby with pride!
Congratulations!
I'd say a kitchen table is a reasonable item to want.
enjoy the hunt!
That's exciting! Congratulations K-Girl:-)
Not much new to report. H has maintained radio silence since the baby carrot text exchange. I continue to work on settling into my place and making it my own, rebuilding my surroundings, decreasing worry and anxiety about the future/things beyond my control/etc.
I have a smaller concern/question that I wanted to get some feedback on...I haven't posted any pictures of my cat on facebook yet and I want to because I like sharing his goofy antics and cute pictures with people I know, and my friends who know I have a cat ask sometimes for more pictures. My concern is that there are lots of people on there who don't know H and I are S, and I am almost certain I will be asked some sort of question like "How are [new cat] and [old cat, who lives with H now] getting along?" Why do I think they will ask? When I went to Las Vegas I got several comments on pictures like "Hope you and H are having a fun time!" that I just ignored... but I guess I can't ignore forever. If I'm going to post stuff I want to be prepared with a response. I could:
1) Just ignore any comments/questions of that sort
2) Privately message the person who asked and let them know that H and I are separated
3) Publicly answer in some sort of vague way (like "[old cat] actually lives with [H's name]" and leave it at that... that seems scary and a little too public even if I keep it kind of vague. Don't want to air my laundry all over facebook!
I'm not necessarily afraid of people finding out we are S but I'd rather they just find out naturally as time goes or as it becomes obvious (like we D and I change my name), rather than try to announce it to as many people as possible so that everyone is aware right away. Has anyone had similiar situations where people have made assumptions about you and your S doing something together and you've had to fill them in... or any other thoughts?
K Girl,
It's your choice. Post photos of the cat. I think that's great. If someone posts something, do what you feel most comfortable with. Maybe you message them it maybe you say nothing. However, you are enjoying your new family member and it's natural you want to share.
This is not directed towards you, however social media has made many people lose filters. I had one friend share how his wife as cheating with his next door neighbor. It was so inappropriate. Yes, she shouldn't have cheated although how ridiculously immature of her h to post incessantly about it. Many people now incorrectly everyone wants to know when they poop! Stepping off soapbox.
Glad you are enjoying the kitty:-)
Hi K Girl, just skimming through your thread. Good for you for the cat and the car!
Personally, I kept off Facebook for a good 9 months - and even now am only occasionally checking on it. Just too much difficulty with things like whether to post cat photos or who is reporting back to H, seeing what H was doing, and wondering if people would start asking questions.
Funny . . . when I changed my name on FB back to my maiden name, only ONE of my FB friends asked me what was up! It reminds me of a post I saw recently - "Dance like nobody's watching - they're not, they're looking at their phones."
Just do whatever you want, as long as it's not inappropriate, and then if anyone asks, you can decide then what to do - whether you want to share (no, I would not share globally) or just ignore that person. Perhaps it will depend on who is doing the asking.
NC can be a beautiful thing . . . so enjoy the quiet.
Hi KGirl,
I have had some of the same issues. WAH posted photos of his new house on FB and some of my friends (mutual friends, but really my friends) commented congratulating him/us. I wondered, should I email them and say I didn't move, he did...? I just did not feel like it so I let it go. Eventually someone told them.
If you want to post pics of your cat, do so. When/if people comment you have many choices.
1. ignore the comment (like the comment if you want but don't answer it)
2. message the person directly
3. say something about H being with the other cat
And you can make these choices for each individual. When I saw one friend liking and commenting on WAH's facebook, I sent her a message telling her the "news" because she was MY friend and I knew she would want to know. What did she do? Immediately deleted her comments and unfriended him. ha.
So it's up to you but I say just go about your business and don't worry too much about the comments and questions. You can ignore them. If people are really wondering they will contact you directly.
Hugs, Lisa
Facebook sure does make things awkward! I'm hoping that it will become less awkward in time, when whatever happens in my future happens and word spreads. I posted my cute little kitty pics, and wouldn't you know it but NO ONE made any sort of comment referencing H, other cat, etc. Just "likes" and well-wishes. Goes to show you how we do worry too much about things that never come to pass.
I have a confession - hopefully I'm not the only one that does this, but I find myself fantasizing sometimes about H surprising me with a "I'm such an a-hole, please forgive me, I want to make it up to you" declaration of some sort. Like I went to get my haircut today and found myself thinking "what if he asked the hairdresser to let him know when I get my haircut next... so he could come there and surprise me" or "maybe this meet-up with my friends is just a set-up and he'll be there!" I know it's ridiculous and the liklihood of such a thing happening is very, very low, so I don't know why these thoughts sneak up on me. I guess it's because I still have hope that something will happen to snap him out of this and he'll "come back." Today in general didn't help. I work at a university and it was the first day of classes, which is always hectic and involves a lot of talking (which is really draining for me as an introvert). I had to take the car I just got to get fixed. And when I finally came home, all sweaty and gross, I couldn't get my dress unzipped, and I just wanted someone (preferably H) to be there to help me unzip my dress and talk about my day. The pain is still there. And I'm still having a lot of trouble accepting this. If we had fought a lot, or one of us cheated and it was a deal breaker, or we had some sort of unresolveable huge value difference about something (like one person wanted kids and the other didn't) I feel like I'd be more accepting of a D. But because I don't understand his reasoning or lack thereof, it's still very difficult to "get" it and be understanding/forgiving/not believe he won't swoop in sometime and make everything better. "I'm just not in love with you anymore, see ya" still isn't really sinking in for me, I guess. In theory I get that it may be the only solution he can come up with. In theory I can think about how GeorgiaBelle says that marriage/family/relationships is hard work and some people just can't cope with it or handle it. But in reality it just still makes me shake my head and wonder. I do tell myself regularly that I wasn't a horrible wife, and while I could have done things better, I was not so awful that this had to be the only answer. I was probably pretty good all things considered. But, it's hard for me to reconcile that with what he's done... thoughts do still creep in about how I could have driven him away.
KGirl, you're definitely not the only one who does this. I have that fantasy too, although I'm still at the point where I imagine that he has his big realisation, comes to tell me how awful he was, and then I chew him out for at least awhile and tell him I don't know if I could take him back, at least nit right now, and not without a lot of work. I have the realisation fantasy a lot, though, especially since he didn't seem to think he had any responsibility in the demise of our marriage.
I also understand your difficulty with acceptance. Not having some huge, defined reason for things falling apart is hard, and it becomes really easy to put all of the blame on yourself. If it wasn't something obvious with them, it's really easy to assume that the issue was something having to do with you.
Keep in mind that even if he can't articulate what's going on - and there were many, many things that my H. couldn't articulate - it doesn't mean that there isn't some reason. He may not want to tell you. He may not have the words. He may not even know what that reason is. But whatever it is, if he can't really articulate what it is and doesn't have anything really specific to point to, it probably has a whole lot to do with him and very, very little - if anything - to do with you.
The text conversation we had yesterday definitely helped me keep perspective that there is something going on with him... and who knows what it is. You just can't make this stuff up. His communications are bizarre given the circumstances.
I texted him about the electric bill that he still did not transfer (you may recall, loyal readers, that this has been an ongoing issue even though he said he'd take care of it and didn't want me to "nag" him about it). He responded that he was working on it... and then proceeded to ask me if I had seen a commercial for a new Little Ceaser's pizza. And then asked me what we normally put in our pasta salad. You may also recall that H had told me not too long ago that he was no longer going to eat pasta/eat healthier in general to get in better shape. ???
I responded that I hadn't seen the commercial. He wrote back with a detailed description of this pizza (although it does sound good.. some kind of pretzel crust, pepperoni, and nacho cheese is involved?). And then that was it.
Then today..
H: You got a letter from the DMV in the mail. Should I open it?
Me: Yes please.
H: It's confirmation of your license fees. You bought an orange Honda? [no idea why that went to the house, I put my new address on EVERYTHING, must be the universe teasing me]
Me: OK. Yes, I did!
H: I thought you wanted a teal one?
Me: There are two in the state and they were too expensive. *sends picture of car to H*
.... no response from H. ?? I don't know if he is ignoring me, if he thinks it's the stupidest car ever, if he's having some sort of meltdown because he thinks I'm moving on.. but I'm annoyed that he initiates a conversation and then just walks away from it. I guess I still have some expectations about that. Or maybe I'd just rather have the last word instead of him so it frustrates me
I'm still amazed that of all the things, he wanted to tell me about a pizza he saw on a commercial. *shrug*
Words fail me.
Hope you're enjoying the car!
That pizza sounds disgusting and perfect for him trying to eat healthier.
I'm glad you got that car. Orange is awesome and the color of "instinctual responses". Interesting, huh?
KGirl, you do not have to respond to him every time he texts you about stupid things like pizza or baby carrots. It seems that he always starts a conversation, and then ends it either abruptly, rudely or just insensitively. You don't seem to ever be satisfied by any conversation with him (and understandably so), so why bother? He is getting what he needs out of the exchanges (information, entertainment, someone to listen to him, a chance to show you who is in control here), and you are getting nothing, other than more questions. Try not responding a time or two, and see what happens.
melissa - I am really confused about how to approach this, so any and all advice is appreciated. On the one hand, I totally get what you are saying - if I just ignored him I wouldn't end up disappointed or frustrated. On the other hand, it seems like a lot of reconciliations on here began with small-talk conversations (I think with labug it was a bunch of texts back and forth?), so I'm worried I may miss out on that opportunity. I also want to keep the road home paved and smooth so I worry that not answering a question will be seen as rude and not bring me closer to my goal of him "coming back." Should I try harder to only answer direct questions, and as briefly as possible, maybe? Rather than completely ignoring them? Like in the conversation about the car above, I could have answered most of that with a yes, no, or "I found something else instead", I didn't really need to include more details and a picture. What do you think? I suppose I could also send him a text or something saying "Moving forward, I'm only going to answer your messages that are absolutely necessary for bills and logisitcs. Our conversations otherwise leave me feeling frustrated and disappointed" but maybe that is too much...
K Girl,
I know your question was directed to Melissa, however I wanted to chime in. Imho, do not send your h a text saying you only respond to x, y, or z. He again, knows exactly where you are and how to reach you. You've responded and those responses leave *you* disappointed because you want more. You aren't wrong for wanting more but rather your h gets what he needs and moves on.
You are focusing on how he perceives you in your text responses. Too many view people view texting as having a "conversation" and that's not the same. You are not missing out on the opp to reconnect with your h. How do I know this? Actions speak much louder than words.
Yes, I'm sure some reconnects begin with texts and there is no guarantee that texting a great deal or none at all leads to R. I don't say this to be harsh, although I say this because I can tell you want movement. I know it doesn't make sense that your h can just say "I'm done." It's crazy isn't it? However, he knows you didn't want a separation or a D. You were very clear on that. It was also clear that you are willing to put the effort in to make this R work. Your h has not said that and his actions have not indicated that either. It's very clear to us reading here that *you* want to R and it's very clear that your h isn't there. Maybe he gets there or maybe he doesn't. I have no clue.
You seem like a very intelligent, funny, successful young woman. I can send your sadness and fear and completely relate to being baffled by your h's behavior. You cannot change that. You are growing in so many obvious ways and it's always wonderful to read your posts because you have a way of articulating very intricate and complex thoughts. Don't allow your R with your h to define who the fabulous K-Girl is.
Regardless of what happens with your h, you will be wonderful. And someone will be lucky to have you in their life.
^^^ Yes!
If he wants to reconnect, he knows how to do that.
Thoughts from anyone and everyone are much appreciated
OK. I can do this. H sent a text this morning (he's on a roll, I guess) telling me something about the rain and flash flood watch. I did not respond. One step at a time. When I think about it, when he does ask me something it is always for him to get information that he needs. It has never been (post BD) a genuine inquiry about me in terms of how I am doing, or trying to show an interest in me, or anything like that. So I guess it's really not reaching out to reconnect, and like melissa said, it's just him getting what he needs without any thought into me.
I know there is hope for me, whether it's with H or someone else. Sometimes I do stress myself unnecessarily about "finding" someone else. At this age men who are single due to divorce or widowed are nearly non-existent. So the guys out there would be the never married ones... and why are they not married/in a relationship?? It doesn't seem like it could be for any good reason (I know, I know, I'm making some assumptions that I really know nothing about at this point). There have been several people over the last 10+ years that have told me "If things ever don't work out with H... let me know" so I think I am a good catch. Sadly all those guys are married now
I thought I was doing pretty well with detachment... but I guess not. I do so much better when H is really out of sight, out of mind. Last night one of my friends (who was friends w/ H, along with her H, but then stopped talking to him after BD because they don't agree with his choices) said that my H asked her H if he could tag along sometime when friend+H go to a football game, tailgate, etc. Friend's H said "we'll see" but told friend he has zero interest in hanging out with my H. They only see each other now in their fantasy football league. I guess there was discussion of kicking my H out in a secret meeting where everyone was there but him, but they decided that they did not want to set a precdent of allowing "marital issues" to decide who can stay in the league (this is a great example of how our lives could be TV shows.) While I'm happy my friends are sticking up for me, I know I shouldn't be encouraging them to "take sides." Really all of our mutual friends have completely ignored H but regularly ask me to still hang out, which is very nice of them considering they are all coupled up. What I'm still thinking about is - why is H so clueless to think these people want to hang out with him when they've completely ignored him the past 9 months? Is he much more socially incompetent than I think? Is he just lonely and desperate? OR (and this is the part where I need a reality check, perhaps) is this the start of the whole "they reconnect with friends and other family before they reconnect with you" thing I read about on here?
.
I don't respond to his texts. He sent me another one today with a picture of one of those coupons that spits out when you get your grocery store receipt, for a free shutterfly book. He said I could feel free to use it. Why? Don't know. I'm not into making photo albums. *Shrug*. My friend told me earlier "it will be interesting to see what he does.." so maybe I need to think more about it like a science experiment.
Ugh. Today I feel stuck where some of the ladies on here have also been recently - is the H I know today someone that I'd actually want to date? And what does the answer to that mean? I went to a football game w/ the friends I mentioned above. Friend told me that when he saw H, H was skinnier than when he last saw him, his hair hadn't been cut or taken care of and had grown into a bowl cut, and when they all met up at Buffalo Wild Wings for their fantasy football league discussion, H refused to eat any wings there and commented on other people's choice of eating wings because they were unhealthy. Who is this person? He sounds gross and not at all fun to be around. And what do I do with this? Nothing for now? Wait and see if he comes around and gets out of his weird funk? My friends told me today that while they love me and will support me in whatever decision I make, that they feel strongly that I could do better than H at this time and that he is really not worth my attention given his behavior and attitude as of late. *sigh*. And then I got a call from the dealer where I bought my car (1.5 hours away) saying I didn't sign in one of the spots on the paperwork. How stressful. Shouldn't they double check that stuff? It makes me wish I had someone to lean on for things like this. Luckily they will drive it out to my work on Monday but... sheesh.
Hey, it's going to be taken care of, while it may have seemed like a stressor in that moment, it's different now. Right? They're even driving it to your work, to me that's a win!
Don't let your mind take you down those rabbit holes.
Someone to lean on is always nice but we will all be without that at points in our lives, especially if we expect it to be an intimate partner. Maybe your journey is to learn what a strong competent woman you really are.
About the other question, you've been wrestling with that for quite a while.
What does K want to do?
What do I want to do? I guess I'm not sure. Which is hard for me, because as we know I like to have a game plan
For quite a while what I wanted to do was basically let him be and do my own thing with the idea that eventually he might come around/see that I have changed/had his own changes and realizations/etc. Now I'm not sure that I'm satisfied enough with that action (or "action by inaction"). I guess I'm getting antsy and want something to happen. I'm starting to view his inaction one way or the other less so as "he's just confused" in an emphathetic way, and more so as "he's weak and unconfident about making decisions" in a negative way. It's unattractive to me. I want to be with someone who can articulate what they want and work on resolving things. And the things I'm hearing about him from others do not really make me miss him or feel attracted to him. When I ask myself "if he came around tomorrow and said he'd be willing to do whatever it took, and would follow through, would I be willing to work on it, too?" my answer is still yes, at this point, so maybe I just need to sit tight until my answer becomes "no, too much has happened, it's far too late."
So, in a short version - I guess I don't know what I want to do because the things I want are for HIM to do. I know I should be thinking more about what I can do that is within my control to feel better about the situation. Starting the D process will be no less painful or likely not make me any happier (or richer!), at least at this point.
Well... I feel like I am in a rut of sadness (pit of despair? something like that) and don't know how to get out of it. Maybe time is the only answer. I haven't felt this low since back in April when I decided I needed to change the situation and decided to move out. I've been crying much more than I was over the past several months (like every day the past week). I try to GAL, I make plans, I do things, but sometimes I'm so sad about the situation that I end up not going to those things because I can't get my tears stopped/get in shape to go out. I don't know exactly what it is - some combination of helping my sister plan her wedding, holiday decorations in the stores (which makes me think about this year's holidays and not having H there and last year's BD right before Xmas), watching the movie "Safe Haven" and wanting so badly to be in an R like in the movie (yeah.. I know.. it's not real.. it's a movie.. but I thought I had that R w/ H before all this in many ways)... or just a natural phase of all of this? Probably didn't help that despite defriending H on facebook, I clicked on his profile anyway and noticed that some of the publicly viewable profile pics he had of us together are now gone (untagged? deleted?).
It's like each time I hear or see something happen that indicates he's not coming back, it's a tiny pinprick on my heart... I don't want this to end with a thousand tiny pinpricks hitting me each time. I kinda wish I had one giant punch and then it'd be done. I keep telling myself that no news is good news, nothing is done yet.. but I think that also makes me in denial and therefore never really fully grieving or getting over the grieving because nothing has actually "happened" yet. I still keep dreaming about how he could pop up tomorrow and tell me what an idiot he was. I mean, can someone be thinking they'll divorce you and yet send you a text saying "did you see they're selling Surge soda again?" All of that ("that" being H still making small talk via text about random things) makes it hard to sink in that this could really happen.
Is this a phase I just need to get through, or do I need to seek some kind of more serious help? I don't know what new improvements to me I could make besides just keeping on with what I've already been doing. Maybe that's all I can do and now I just have to work on facing reality instead of pretending it's not there. I feel like I'm just playing house while living alone, waiting for the day when I move back. But I fear if I do really accept that this is done and done, that I will have no inerest in making things work, because I'll be DONE (does that make sense?) I wish I knew how long it would take or what to expect. Obviously people get over it to a point where they can remarry, be in other relationships, etc., without crying every other day but can you really get to that point before things are really and truly "over?" I've been trying to fake it til I make it and act as if.. but I still feel like I'm acting and that none of it is real.
On the bright side (I guess if I can find some humor in this it must not be THAT bad??) the same guy has asked me twice now on the bus what my name is and for my phone number because he'd like to "spend time with me"... sigh. Too bad the feeling isn't mutual ; )
Hi KGirl,
I hear you! I'm dealing with a lot of the same thoughts - finding it difficult to accept that this is actually happening, asking the "is denial preventing me from grieving" question, struggling to understand if/how I can maintain my motivation to make it work work while also trying to accept that done means done. I got no answers for you…but I think that is because there are none. It's not black and white. It's grey. We'll just have to feel our way through this, day by day.
Denial is one of the stages of grieving. It's no fun but you kind of have to accept each stage that you're in in order to get to the next one.
But I personally also think that you go through all the stages in cycles. You went through a cycle (or two?) between BD and moving out. Then maybe another one while you debated about getting the cat. Now you're going through one as you get settled into the reality of the life you're making for yourself.
If you're asking what other changes you should be making besides the ones you're already working through, then maybe you've got some bargaining going on with your denial. You can only take on so much at a time. If you can't think of other changes you want or need to make, then you're just looking to control the situation through your changes, and that won't work.
Your H is a little weird with the pizza commercials and the baby carrots and the Surge soda thing. I wish I could explain it. But if I could explain WAS's then I probably wouldn't be here.
Be well!!!
KGirl,
I'm sorry you are struggling. I think most everyone can relate to your post. I think you said something rather profound. You mentioned you didn't really think it was over. Perhaps not, however that is how you will be truly able to live your life. That old R is done. Can you rebuild a new one? Perhaps. Do you want to build a new one? On my you can answer that.
Maybell is right. You are cycling through stages is normal. You may be at the *acceptance* stage that the old R is over. Sending you a hug!
Thanks, everyone... I think I need to do some more reading on grief and divorce/break-ups so I can see A) that I'm not crazy and this is normal and B) what things might help process this and get through it intact. I think with the school year starting and summer "over" (my job is based around the school year), reality sets in more. During the summer it felt like I was just on an extended vacation or summer camp or something... now it's settling in more that this is very likely to be my new reality. Me and Jasper the cat in this one bedroom apartment. One book I read did talk about how when you near the "letting go" stage (before acceptance) you feel a lot of the grief and despair you did initially, but in a different way.. moreso in a big picture way ("what is the purpose of life? why am I here?") etc. Maybe that is where I'm at now.
H is weird and that doesn't help. I told my mom about some of the texts he's been sending and her response was "Good! He wants to reconnect with you, things are turning around!" To which I said, no, I don't think so, it's just random small talk. I said that if he wants to turn things around I would need something concrete from him (like, I don't know, a "I want to talk about us and try and work on things" sort of statement?) Her response: "Maybe this is his way of doing that." And that kind of threw me for a loop because we talk a lot here about not taking stock in much of anything unless it's the "what will it take?" sort of statement. Not sure what to think about that.
I'm also a little freaked out because H and I have agreed to meet tomorrow so he can give me the food he won't eat anymore. I decided not to stress myself out with going to the house. He offered to drop it off but I don't really want him to come to where I live, so we're meeting at a parking lot in-between. The neutral spot makes me feel a litle better though it kinda feels like a ransom exchange. I am scared because I don't know if this will be just a stuff exchange, or if he'll have something more to say (specifically something final). Worst case scenario he says "I've made up my mind, I want a D." I shouldn't be scared of that because it's what I've been preparing for or seeing as the likely outcome but it would still sting to hear it. I know I shouldn't worry so much about what he *might* say but I also don't want to be completely unprepared for the possibility. I do want to see how he's doing because a friend had commented on his physical appearance and I'm concerned he's not taking care of himself, eating, etc. Not sure what I will do if I do see something concerning, maybe send someone in his family a message asking if they've seen him lately. I will be sure to look my best, not mopey, but not super excited either (because I am just honestly not super excited to have to see him and do this). Polite indifference might be a good attitude to shoot for?
Maybell, I wish you could explain the random outreaches, too. You could make tons of money off a website or book on explaining WAS's
I was reading somewhere over in MLC about "touches" vs. actual reconnecting and maybe these are just "touches" to make sure I'm still here/around.
I was supposed to start out today w/ a visit from a mobile groomer to cut out my cat's mats. Unfortunately I couldn't get him into his carrier to take him outside and he ran under the bed and there was no way for me to get him out without being clawed to death. I had to cancel the groomer. I'm mad at the cat, even though I know it is not his fault that he is scared. And I'm sad because this is so hard by myself - when H and I would take our cat to the vet he'd hold the cat and I'd hold the carrier and we'd figure it out together. Now I'm sobbing over the stupid cat groomer and feeling bad that I can't even manage this by myself. I know it could be worse. I don't have to be a single parent to children. I just have one cat. But this is not what I signed up for.
K-Girl,
They are difficult to get in the carrier, aren't they? I sorry the kitty didn't cooperate. Be kind to yourself. I'm sorry you are in a challenging place right now.
Aww K, have a good cry get it out there.
Be as friendly with your H as you can handle without expectation. But ask yourself if these random "touches" are all he can offer as a means of reconnecting, is that enough for you. Do you still want to be the one who does the heavy lifting in the R? If I recall correctly he said some pretty harsh things about how your M happened.
You have a choice here and that's a powerful, although scary placed to be.
I am going to get all my cries out and then freshen up and go to work. I need to leave in about 90 minutes so I hope that's enough time. I also have a cold so I think I'm just not going to expect much of myself today. I had a lot of things I wanted to get done before tomorrow because I'm going on a two day conference, but it will be OK if the dishes and laundry don't get done. I'm sure I still have something I can wear
I know the cat will be ok - maybe eventually he'll let me cut his hair myself. I'm moreso embarassed that I hired someone to do it and then couldn't follow through (there's probably something underlying that I need to work on for myself). Whenever friends come over that could in theory help me with him, he just hides the whole time - he will only come out when it's just me here. It makes me sad not just for myself but the poor little guy with his hair clumps, they can't be comfortable but I can't help him.
You have good points, labug. I shouldn't be settling for the crumbs. The past couple of times we broke up and got back together I settled for those, and didn't follow through on boundaries, and that led to resentment later and re-living those incidents. For example, during college H had an instant message thing going on w/this girl from back home. He would message her about how he wished he could marry two people because he liked her so much, how maybe at Thanksgiving she could come over under the guise of hanging out with his sister and they could see how far they could get physically, etc. When I found the messages I said I needed him to no longer be in contact with her, and he fought back and said I was trying to control who he could be friends with, and that it didn't mean anything and nothing happened, etc. I gave in and didn't push it because I just wanted to be with him. IF anything changes this time I am not going to accept anything less than NC with his EA partner from work, no matter what he says about it. I know what he told me and it's very clear it wasn't harmless. It's time to break that pattern of him doing whatever he wants even when I say it's hurtful to me, and then me just going along with it because I don't want him to leave.
Crying IS healing. I do it quite often, then I pull myself together and go about my day.( till the next trigger.) Nobody signs up for a D when they get Married. I try to detach by saying "I" instead of "WE".
I survived the food exchange. No "I've decided I want a divorce" but no "I've decided I want you back" magical surprise either.
The guy must have literally taken out everything that was in the pantry and given it to me. I don't know what he's eating. He seemed at a decent weight, at least, and not starving. His jeans were a little too tight in the front and it looked kinda awkward, and I can tell that's what he wore to work today, seemed a little innapropriate O_o. Maybe they're normally not that tight and he was excited to see me
. I offered him a free oil change coupon I had that I wasn't going to use. He hemmed and hawed and I said "well if you're not going there I'm sure I can find someone else who will use it." I guess it's even hard to make a decision about accepting an oil change coupon. He did ask if my shoes were new, and they were new to him anyway since I got them after I moved, so he did notice something about me.
I did not take his bait on a few things that in the past I would have asked what they meant. I just took my stuff and left. Examples:
-"I might go to Midas, I pass one when I go to [x town]" (don't know why he'd be in X town, didn't ask)
-"I kept a few boxes of pasta in case I get sick" (???)
-he asked me why we had worchestershire sauce in the fridge, and I said for beef stew (which he always LOVED). He said "I don't eat that anymore." (????)
I know I will drive myself crazy wondering. If/when he ever comes around I'm sure it will become clear and I'll figure it out. It does bug me that he didn't feel the need or desire to give me an update, even if it's just a "just so you know, things haven't changed" or I'm still thinking or whatever. I'm thinking back to something GB said before about how some people have no interest in the M but won't bother to file because it's too much work (or in this case, H benefits because he doesn't have to pay me $15,000 to buy the house from me). I find myself wondering how long I wait until it becomes clear that that's what's going on and just do it myself. I met a cute guy at work the other day and it opened my eyes to the fact that there are guys out there that I could find attractive or see myself with... so I wonder how long I should hold out hope for H when he has shown no interest in being with me.
OK, time to put my positive pants on. No news could be good news. Either way I shouldn't waste my time and money taking legal actions that I didn't want in the first place. It's not causing me any actual legal or financial harm. I'm going to a two-day conference tomorrow which will be a nice break from regular work. It's a 3 hour drive away so plenty of time in my new car. I get to stay overnight in a hotel (sit in a hot tub??) and find a new place to eat dinner. Yes it's scary because I don't know that anyone from my workplace is going (usually several people will go) but that will force me to network and meet new people. My cat is still cute even though he was a little sh*t this morning. He's licking my arm as I type this trying to sit on the keyboard. And I now have five boxes of pasta that I didn't have to go out and buy
My friend recommended a book called "Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends" so I'm going to buy that ASAP and spend some time with it. And after I eat dinner and get all my stuff in order for my trip, I plan to sit in my tub and relax since I'm all sick-achey.
Sounds like all good stuff.
It's interesting that you would have been happy to hear "just so you know, things haven't changed" -- I hate hearing that. It feels like lemon juice on a paper cut.
Sorry you're feeling badly, but enjoy your trip!! (Oh to be young again...
)
I missed something, where are you going? I love travel.
Just a conference for two days... but it seems far because it's 3 hours away! Up "north" at another university in our public system. I was here once a looong time ago when I was touring colleges. Since I'm a higher ed person I like visiting universities
My mom actually went here for school so I'm sending her pictures so she can see what has changed from 35 years ago.
Yay, the boards are back!
After I got back from the conference my H detachment suffered in a major way for a number of reasons. I wish I could put a reset button and just delete everything that has happened that I know but it's not really that easy (can't unring the bell, right?)
This past weekend was a charity walk that I've participated in with H's family since they've started doing it. One of the family members suffers from the disease the walk is for. Lots of post from facebook from other relatives of pictures with H. What got me down, moreso than the fact that I wasn't participating this year, was that I just didn't find him attractive at all. His hair is grown out (whether intentional or not, don't know) and it is pretty gross. He had new shoes, new clothes, which made me wonder what else is "new" in his life. Several friends have independently said that H has become a "douchebag" over the past few weeks/months. He posts on social media about things like Floyd Mayweather and how great he is (our mutual friends that are now "my" friends and myself are anti-boxing), posts selfies of himself in Floyd Mayweather t-shirts, posts politically conservative things (he was moderate "before" all this) has gross hair, and in general doesn't have good social skills (asking friends that want nothing to do with him if they want to hang out or if he can visit them). My mom and his mom actually work at the same place, and my mom said something about their charity walk. His mom asked how she knew about that, and my mom replied she saw pics on H's facebook. W/in 24 hours he defriended her. ??? It's not as if we couldn't see his facebook from other sources (like.. my sister that is still friends with him?) It seems antagonistic for no reason. And I'm even a little embarassed by him.
Why do I recount all this? None of these changes are attractive or draw me back to him. And I am scared that this is him becoming who he really is or was meant to be, rather than a phase. And I don't want to use the excuse that "people change" for divorcing someone... but if we're already S, and his changes are just completely uninteresting/the opposite of what attracted me to him... then what?
This was easier when I didn't know anything about him. Maybe I need to set up some sort of boundary with friends and family to not share things about him with me. On the other hand, if I'm completely in the dark and he later wants to R, would I be OK with having been in the dark about what he did during the S?
KGirl, do you want to know things that might make it harder to reconcile later? I have chosen not to ask a single question about OW. I don't need to pollute my brain with the likes of her, and every detail I know is something I would have to forgive should H and I reconcile. I choose not to go there. Do you really want to know what he's up to? Yes is an ok answer, just be aware there's a downside to it.
rppfl, this is a tough question. On the one hand there may be things that would be better unknown. But I also think there are some questions that I would need answered or I would assume the worst and always wonder, or things that are important for my own personal health (like... did he sleep with someone and what precautions did he take?) Then again, would I really believe what he said (and then what do you do.. make them take an STD test even if they said they hadn't slept with anyone??) I just really don't know. At this time I think I'd prefer to know if anything has happened involving another girl (dating, physical, etc.) just because I won't be able to stop wondering and that may be a deal breaker for me, but I don't really need to know his other ridiculous things (selfies he posts in ridiculous clothes, things he says to friends, etc.) I'm not sure I could actually forgive any sort of PA with an OW, because we started dating in high school and our history is only with each other... so an OW coming into the picture when we were each other's only partners in that sense is huge to me. Maybe I'm too naive.. *shrug*
KGirl I understand you. I am a lot older, have been married a lot ionger and have three kids. I am willing to put up with things you probably shouldn't and not knowing helps me do that.
KGirl, you are DEFINITELY not naive. That is exactly how you should feel, IMO. You married him with the mutual faith that you would be the only person you would each share intimacy with until death. You seem strong to be where you are, and to move out. I know people who have been strung along for years while clinging to whatever scraps of affection their unfaithful spouse would give them. They were miserable hoping for those scraps to turn into a fulfilling marriage. And after all of it, the cheater ended up finally leaving them with nothing. It was so brave of you to leave and pursue DB principles
It is the best thing you could possibly do for YOU and for your M.
As far as what information to require from your WAH if he does attempt to reconcile, I would defer to vets, but it seems like it's up to you. One thing you might want to consider is your long term capacity for forgiveness and forgetting: What questions are you capable of letting go (REALLY letting go- never thinking of again, and if you did think about it, the question wouldn't really bother you 5+ years down the road) and what questions do you think would just fester inside of you permanently? If you let something stick inside of you for a long time, you are bound for more rocky roads in the future. If your WAH does eventually whole-heartedly pursue reconciliation, then he will need to be very patient in waiting for you to have your questions answered and for you to believe the answers. But I wouldn't ponder those questions too much at this stage - they are the opposite of detachment!
FYI- I think setting a boundary with your friends and family giving you updates on him is a GREAT idea if those things bother you. Take care of yourself and work on the only thing you can work on in your M: YOU. How are 180's going?
.....things that are important for my own personal health (like... did he sleep with someone and what precautions did he take?) Then again, would I really believe what he said (and then what do you do.. make them take an STD test even if they said they hadn't slept with anyone??)
If you actually get to that point, then yes, you do. I have had an STD test myself recently. (All clear, thank goodness.) And if H were ever pursuing me hard enough for me to consider R, then he'd be willing to take one himself. Protect yourself first.
Fact is people do change, or they've put on a mask for reasons of their own and then that mask starts to slip or they just decide to take it off.
I'm certainly not the person I was at 21. Many things are the same but I've changed a lot, mostly for the better I like to think.
I think recognizing that he's changed in ways that aren't attractive to you is a positive.
labug - yes, since we started dating at 17, we've certainly been through some key time periods (ending high school, college, starting first jobs, etc.) that result in a lot of changes. I guess I had thought that since we made it through a lot of those big milestones and still gravitated towards each other, that it meant we could get through anything... maybe not, though. The rest is still unwritten, to quote Natasha Bedingfield
I feel like I've put a lot of work into trying to change in positive, mature ways, and when I see/hear about what he is doing it seems he is regressing in many ways, and it is dissappointing. He has said things along the lines of living under such a mask for many years and not being able to be really "him" when he's been with me, hence why I fear he is discovering himself now and this is the REAL him. And I don't like it, which is scary and sad and other things all at the same time. I had a long chat with a friend today and she made a comment about how it seems like he's been struggling for a long time, maybe as long as I've known him, about his identity and who he "is" as a person (trying to be like friends, for example, or copying their actions/attitudes). I do hope for his sake that he can figure out what his identity is and that it doesn't take him another 10+ years.
rppfl - yes, I feel like I have less of an investment in some ways in sticking around/trying to make it work. I don't feel like "standing" longer than we've actually been married. I'm young enough that I can basically start over. Many acquiantances my age are not even in a long term relationship much less married. And I don't have kids so it's not as if he will still be a part of my life in the future. I could essentially never see him again unless I happen to see him somewhere around town.
Card29 - thank you for your vote of confidence! I really did struggle with the decision to move out because it didn't fit with a lot of what's talked about on here ("stay in the house as long as possible") but given the logistics it wasn't feasible to make him leave, and my mental health and well-being was really stressed to the max continuing to live with him given how he felt about me and that he was making no effort to work with me or end the M. My biggest 180 in regards to H is effectively taking no action - letting him be, not pursuing him. In the past (and we've been through this at least two times, that I can recall anyways) when he's "left" I constantly pursued him, emailed him, begged him to reconsider, told him he was a huge jerk and no one would ever want to date him, turned around and begged some more, etc. Now I'm just letting him be. If I remove myself from the situation and he's still unhappy, I can't be the variable that makes him unhappy, right? For me personally, I've been doing a lot of self-help reading on codependency. I have a very detail-oriented, on-top-of-things personality and am trying hard to be more OK with uncertainty/leaving people to deal with their actions/letting go. It's hard but I am at least aware of it and do make an effort. I have become more of a "yes" person and rarely turn down an invite to do something, whereas before if someone invited me the day-of to do something I'd often say no even if I didn't have plans just out of principle ("Why do they think it's OK to not plan ahead?!"). I am working to be more clear with what I want and need and not expect people to mind-read or assume they'll know what I want. I'm expanding my horizons in different ways - I've taken a class through a community college, tried some new hobbies (meditative drawing, for example), gotten more of a gym routine going, and even took a trip to Las Vegas by myself. I've also taken some actions towards a life without H - I bought a car (H and I had shared a car and at first it was scary to think of doing because it was like I was admitting I wasn't coming back home), got a cat (also scary because H kept our cat and we're not sure that cat gets along with other cats - also implying I wasn't coming back). I basically decided to not wait for him to decide what to do and am acting as if I am not coming home when buying furniture and making other life plans.
Something interesting I learned from my conference last week - there are research studies that show that when boys/young men play a lot of video games, it affects a part of the brain that creates motivation and drive to work towards a goal in real life. Essentially the study concluded that video game playing can lead to a lack of motivation to work towards goals in real life, because it can be easier in some ways in the video game.. or if you're losing, you just turn it off and start over. It also mentioned that men who grow up affected by this appear completely normal and happy and undepressed.. just don't have motivation to work towards things. Couldn't help but think of H who has always been a video gamer and was definitely all about quitting the game and starting over if he was losing because he didn't want that on his record. Kinda hard to just reset a marriage though, right??
What do you say when people find out you are S and ask "what happened?" or "why?" So far this has mostly happened with people that are closer to me so we set up a time to talk about it in more detail. This has come up at times w/ people at work and I always feel flustered. (I work at a very large university so there are a lot of people I know casually - for example, they'll ask how my H is or how my house is but don't know anything else yet so I need to say something, and some of the less tactful people ask follow up questions). Plus, with the holidays getting closer there is going to be some more interaction/having to tell people. I could just say "I'd rather not discuss it, thanks." I don't want to say "It just wasn't working out" because that feels not true, from my perspective. I could say "H said he didn't want to be married anymore, and wasn't interested in discussing it" which to me is the shortest version of the truth I can think of... but is it throwing him under the bus too much? I definitely don't want to say "Well, H became a huge d-bag and left me because he has a crush on a girl at work," so I at least know what NOT to say, but coming up with what I could say is hard, in one sentence or less. One of my work colleagues has a short version something like "'He cheated on me and we couldn't make it work after that" but it's harder to explain when there's not a clear cut thing that people understand right away, like "he cheated."
That's a pretty personal question, don't you think?
You could just look at them and smile, ignore the question altogether.
Yes, that is true. I need to work on not feeling obligated to have an explanation or answer all of the time. Blah. I also think part of me wants people to know that I didn't want this and it's not my fault because I don't want them to judge me (also something to work on, huh?)
Speaking of things to work on.. I want to set a boundary with H about our finances, and could use some feedback because the line between controlling and boundary is tricky. I had mentioned earlier that part of our agreement when I moved out was H would transfer all of the bills that auto-pay from our joint account (water, electricity, cable, etc.) to his own accounts because he was the only one using those utilities. Last month I noted that the electric bill still wasn't changed. He transferred in money from his own account and said he was changing it so it wouldn't happen again. But, I noticed that on Friday it deducted again. And now our account is below $1000 which is worrisome because I don't remember all the rules about direct deposits/minimum blaances and if it will be charged a late fee. I drafted this email to him below - is it the "right" way to set a boundary?
"The MG&E bill deducted again last week from the joint account. I understand that there could be some issue with MG&E online even after you submitted the change, but regardless, it's very stressful for me to have to worry about this (and worry about the account possibly being charged a fee for being below $1000). I need to set a boundary around this so that I can feel comfortable. If you don't change the account by the next bill and it is deducted again, I am going to take steps to remove myself from this account (taking my half of the remaining money from it, cancelling my direct deposit, and removing my name from it so it is just in your name). I would be fine leaving it as-is but I need all the bills changed in order to do that."
I had always had a portion of my paycheck transferred into the joint account but now have just transferred it right back out,rather than cancelling it with HR (as that is a lot of paperwork that I didn't want to do until I knew for sure what was happening). I'm worried this sounds antagonistic and blaming him, especially if it's not his fault. The electric company is kind of a pain w/ their online stuff and we've submitted changes before that haven't gone through or taken awhile to go through - am I giving him not enough benefit of the doubt? Should I ask him about it first? I did that last month and he said it was taken care of, so I'm hesistant to be casual about it again.
^ I am more calmed down about this now and sent an email first asking what was going on with it - did he change it and it's just slow to activate, or did he not change it? From there I'll respond based on the answer. If he says he didn't change it yet but will soon (keep in mind he's had almost 4 months to do this), here's my revised answer using a "formula" from one of my codependency books: how does this make you feel, what do you want the person to do/not do, what will the consequences be-
"I feel frustrated and disrespected that you haven't changed this yet - I took our agreement seriously. I'm stressed that I have to keep checking the account to make sure money isn't missing. Please change this before the next payment is deducted, and forward me the confirmation so I know it's set. If you don't change it, I'm going to cancel my direct deposit into that account and take out my half of the funds, so that I no longer have to worry about my part of the money."
I realized I can't take my name off the account w/out closing it, but I at least can take out my money so that if his bills continue to come out of it, that's his issue. I don't want to have to check it monthly and wonder if he's going to put the money back in indefinitely, it's just too stressful. Is that fair boundary setting? I am struggling with where to fall in-between these concepts:
A) let go, don't be so controlling,take it easy, don't worry about his actions and
B) my feelings are mine and if I am uncomfortable I have a right to take action and make sure my needs are taken care of.
I hope I'm making sense... like others have mentioned on here, I have a hard time telling if my actions/reactions are reasonable or if I'm blowing this out of proportion.
You've been dealing with this for 4 months. It'll be informative to see his response to your email.
If you get to this point, how about this?
"I feel frustrated and disrespected that you haven't changed this acct. Please do so before the next payment is deducted and forward me the confirmation. If it's not changed, I'll cancel my direct deposit into that account and take out my half of the funds."
His response to my inquiry about what happened with the account was "I replenished money into the joint account from the last bill. It will definitely be changed before the next bill."
His response a month ago when I said "It doesn't look like the bill changed yet, can you change it and put money back in?" was "I transferred the money and will work to make sure it gets changed." So I guess there was no "work" in the past month. He doesn't have to call anyone or go anywhere. He just needs to log in to the website, change the account number, and click save.
So, I think I used up all my polite inquiries and nudges and went ahead w/ the email based on your suggestions, labug, with some slight rearranging so that it actually was more of a response and not so clearly "pre-planned." No answer to that email, but it didn't need one. I don't know if it'll make him think I'm a nagging ***** or not but limbo is hard enough without adding this type of stuff. To be honest, I think it's so upsetting to me because it's indicative of how he has not improved himself or changed for the better during this time, and how he can't follow through on simple promises. He told me before I moved out that he could take care of things on his own and didn't need me to remind/nag him, and that without me there then he'd be able to be fully responsible for himself and things would be even BETTER (chores would be done, things would be cleaner and get done on time, etc.) because he felt lazier when I was there to take care of things. But he couldn't even change an account number on a website within 4 months on his own. *sigh*.
Seems those things just aren't important to him.
^ Yes. I’ve been trying (only a little successfully so far, still a work in progress) to really think more about why this makes me upset, and what is actually within my control and affecting me. My initial reaction is to be angry because he “should” do this, or care about this, or “should” be more respectful of our agreement. Ultimately, though, those are all things that I can’t control. He is free to feel whatever he wants and determine what is important to him. What I should focus is on how/if these actions negatively affect me, and they do when my money is being spent on things that I did not agree for it to be spent on. That’s where my boundary came from - it was something that affects me, that I do have control over, that I can choose to remove myself/my investment from, rather than punishing him somehow or making it all about how he “should” do this or that out of principle.
Whenever I find myself thinking or saying “He should… or “I think he’s…” I stop myself because those are cues I need to pause and reconsider. When I start thinking about what he should do, I ask myself “is that true? can I know it’s absolutely true that he should or should not do this? Maybe there are things I should do or shouldn’t do instead. How can I know what will be best for him?” Or, when I start to think “I think he’s [insert my interpretation of whatever weird thing he’s doing]” I need to pause and realize that whenever I “think” something I can have no way it’s true. What can I objectively see that he’s doing or saying? Can I really know what it means?
I’m trying
I think you're doing fine. Looking closely at our thoughts and actions is always a good thing but there are times when someone else's values may not be in alignment with ours.
I do feel like his values as I see them currently are not in line with my own. Enough to think that reconciling is off the table? Not sure. I guess it's because I don't know if they are really his values, or if this is just a phase. It's getting harder for me to not want to say to him "OK H, it's time to poop [for the polite company here] or get off the pot. I want to either work on our relationship and actually talk to each other/hang out/etc., or close this chapter in our lives." It feels like this weird game of chicken - who will make a move first? Right now there is NOTHING happening between us, besides creating more distance. I've been trying to hold out on any temp checking or asking where the heck he's at until December. Then it will be a year and by that point... I kinda feel like it's time for action. Maybe I will feel differently by then but I'm putting that as my internal finish line of sorts, so that I can try and set aside these thoughts until then.
I don't have anything progress-worthy to report, but thought posting might help me pass some time until I have to take kitty to the vet in a few hours. I discovered a string of some kind hanging out of kitty's mouth that is not loose, so I'm worried he might have half-swallowed something and it's stuck in his digestive system (TMI?) Going to the vet for the urgent visit. I'm stressed not only for his healthy (although he doesn't seem bothered at all by a 1cm. string hanging out of his mouth?) but some of you might recall I had a rough time trying to get him in a cat carrier before and had to cancel an appt. This time I think I'll be better prepared - I'll attempt it in the bathroom with the door closed,and I have a big carrier with an open top that hopefully will be easier to dump him in. Another reminder of how some things are hard to do on your own.
So, I let myself get my expectations up a little and then disappointed myself. Grr. Some of you may also remember that back in May I got a letter from a secret admirer that apparently rode my bus. Earlier this week I got a LinkedIn invitation from someone I didn't think I knew, and long story short,figured out it was my secret admirer! Back when I got the letter I did tell H about it out of a sense of wanting to be honest and transparent (I know, I know... even though he wasn't, I guess I thought that by modeling open/honest behavior it would encourage him to do so). So I texted him letting him know I found out who it was. he wrote back with lots of questions- how did I find out,how creepy is that, do I recognize him, etc. I felt like we were actually having a conversation! Then he said "so do you find him attractive?" Well,I sure don't, but wonder if I should have said yes to be a little more mysterious/act as if I'm moving on. I don't know. I said no and then he stopped responding. So then I was disappointed because I started having an expectation that we were talking again. Grr. Back on the NC wagon for me.
In other news, I've been doing some fun things on my own as well as with friends and family - went to festivals, craft fairs, and am signed up for some crafty continuing ed type courses at the university where I work. Trying to stay busy. I gained back the weight I lost from the BD diet and then some so trying to get that under control and pay a little more attention to what I eat. This is a tricky one for me because I like to indulge in things like cheese, wine, etc. And I need to be careful about whether losing weight and how much is about what I want, vs. what I think H wants. H had made some comments about me gaining weight and how I wasn't the same size as when we met. I get that a big change can be concerning and it's unfair to expect your partner to be OK with anything, but I also just can't be the same size I was at 18 (and I wear size 8 pants, and we're talking gaining 15-20 lbs. over the past 10 years). Just because he can stay the same size doesn't mean I can!! If nothing else, the secret admirer thing has shown me that if someone can like me without ever talking to me and just seeing me/overhearing conversations, there's got to be lots of non-creepy dudes out there who could love me once they meet me!
I am still angry from time to time that H hasn't professed any decisions or where he's at. It's hard for me to believe he's actually doing any thinking or work on himself, from what I see he's living it up as a single guy. I would hate to think he's delaying action on a D because he doesn't want to pay me $15000+ to officially buy the house from me (that would really be the only downside for him if we moved forward). I know I can't know if it's best for him to make a decision yet or not,so I guess I need to focus on me and what, if any, decisions I may need to make.
Re the text messages, I would have not answer the question about being attracted. That way you're not explicitly saying yes for the wrong reasons, but you're making him wonder. Next time
Hope your kitty is okay.
Kitty just had the string wrapped around his tooth (too bad he wouldn't open his mouth for me so I could have figured that out!) and will be fine providing he didn't eat more pieces. Have to watch for symptoms. Of course he was super cooperative there and vet said he was such a great cat. Funny how they behave so well when they are scared and in a new place
Today was a good day. I had the day off, so I:
-snuggled kitty for awhile
-had a chocolate strawberry belgian waffle at the local cafe
-went to the arboretum we have in town (10 years and I've never been there.. figured it was time) and spent 3 hours hiking/walking amongst the fall foliage. I found a pond where I made friends with some turtles, ducks, and wild turkeys
It's truly amazing to find yourself in 1000+ acres of "wild" in the middle of a good-sized city.
-had a frozen custard pumpkin shake
-and now am being productive.
I was a little sad for H at the arboretum. Not sad that I was alone, but moreso sad for him that he hasn't experienced such a cool thing, and that he spends so much time indoors/on electronics. I feel sorry for him, in a way, that he misses out on these opportunities (OK, I suppose he could be doing such things but I really do doubt it).
I had an awakening/discovery yesterday that made me feel a lot better about the possibility of dating someone else in the future. I'm not sure how to word it without being too explicit (and I'm glad this is in theory an anonymous board!) but one of the things H said after BD was that he didn't feel like he was "adequate" in regards to s*x because the basic act of it didn't "do it" for me. He felt like I must be capable of "it" without extra "help" if he just tried harder, or longer, or whatever. I had told him that it just didn't work like that for me, and was that way for a lot of women (or so I hoped, anyway) so he didn't need to be so concerned about that, and there were alternate ways of getting to the same end point. I really didn't get why he was concerned because I had never voiced any concerns or upset-ness about the physical part of our R. But he was convinced that it must be possible.. and then I started to feel like there must be something wrong with ME. Then yesterday I read an article that said 75% of women have the same circumstances, and now I feel relieved. I was sure that if I started dating again I would be weird and have to explain to guys "so just doing that doesn't really do much for me.." and now I feel like that won't be so. It's strange how that was so scary for me. I guess with the right person when it's time, it wouldn't be awkward to talk about. But dating is for some other day, right?
Reading that makes me wonder why H wouldn't believe me when I said that was normal. Too much TV and porn influencing what he thinks should happen, maybe? Or maybe it was just a random reason he pulled out of his @$$, like many of the others, to try and explain something that really didn't have an explanation (or was due to OW that he didn't want to admit).
Oh, one of the productive things I did today? I emailed H to let him I know I was taking him off this optional vision insurance we are both on. It's "open enrollment" month at work where I can make some of those changes. The plan was essentially pay $60 for the insurance over the course of a year, get $100 a year to use towards contact lenses, so you got a free $40/person. However, we have a hard time keeping track each year as to whether or not he's paid me back for his part of the insurance (it all comes out of my paycheck) so I figured, why do this again next year? Takin' him off. He doesn't really need it, it's not like it's the health insurance. I didn't ask him what he thought, or if I should or shouldn't (that's really just temp checking in disguise), just said I was going to do it. We'll see if he has anything to say..
KGirl,
I'm glad kitty is okay and it sounds like you had a fabulous day. Fall foliage, kitty snuggling AND a pumpkin custard shake? Haters gonna hate!!!!
You sound good. My xh blamed me for his ED issues so please know that your h is being hurtful. You sound like an intelligent, lovely lady and your h is looking for someone to blame for his unhappiness.
Keep doing fun things and enjoy yourself! Sending you a hug my fellow BD date friend:-)
GB, your "haters gonna hate" reminded me of Taylor Swift's latest song. Listening to that (despite the controversy.. I'll confess I haven't even read up on what it is, but I know there is one) lifts my spirits when I start getting down about H and all that goes with it. As well as listening to TLC's "No Scrubs" ('cause that's about what my H sounds like right now.) And today at the gym I listened to some inspiration Kelly Clarkson breakup music. This is better than when this happened the last time and I listened to depressing songs - listening to songs that describe people drinking themself to death over the end of a relationship ("Whisky Lullaby", Brad Paisley) did not exactly help me with avoiding self-destructive behaviors. This time, only positive songs!!
Now I'm off to make a recipe that H would hate everything about it - fancy mac and cheese with onions and mushrooms. He doesn't like onions and mushrooms, and I imagine this is too unhealthy for him in his current diet. Trying to find the positives about him not being around
K-Girl, that sounds delicious!
It sure was delicious! And today I'm making pumpkin cream cheese muffins, after watching my Packers win a great game
Although, the muffins had this buttery struesel topping.. which when melted mixed with the red muffin liners to make... red liquid. So we'll see if I have red muffins or not! Can I assume it's food safe if it's on a muffin liner? :S
I just logged onto facebook and 3 people that I went to high school with had status updates that they were engaged. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others. I know I should feel better, maybe, that I'm still young and have lots of time to "start over." But I feel like I wasted my time on H when I could have been using the past 10 years to date, explore what type of people/characteristics I'm interested in, and find someone that could actually be a life-long partner. The only people my age that I know that are D'd are due to affairs, or got married very young (18, 19) under interesting circumstances (like marrying the tour guide they met on a high school field trip in a different country.. then realizing a year or two later that wasn't such a great idea), not because of "incompatibility" or "didn't work out" or something along those lines. It's still too early for a lot of people I know to be in this type of situation. I'm even apprehensive about changing my name back because people will assume that I got married (I have about 500 clients that I email weekly so it's hard to avoid) like when I first changed my name. Blah. Getting ahead of myself here, I know. I need to go eat some funky looking pumpkin muffins and do some introspective reading, I think.
Maybe you just had things to learn.
And now you have.
Sometimes I have the same thoughts. "I wasted my 20's". The reality is, I had no idea how to build and sustain a marriage, and it took this kind of trauma to open my eyes. So this may have happened regardless of who I ended up with. But our goal can't be to wish about something in the past, but instead to learn from it and make positive changes so that it doesn't happen again.
I certainly have learned some things.. I just wish there was some other way to do that without spending $15000 on a wedding, and thousands more dollars on a downpayment for a house, and now feeling broke (OK,I know I'm not broke, but I'm missing the flexibility and cushion I had before. I thought living paycheck to paycheck was a sign you weren't doing well. Now I'm much closer to that and really have to pay attention to where money goes). An expensive learning process, I guess. I know there are more things I've learned but at the forefront of my mind today was this: if someone hesitates to take a big step (moving in together, marriage, etc.) I need to just let that person go, and not pressure/convincing/demand it of them. Why did I want to or would I want to be with someone that I have to convince to be with me?? I don't want to be in an R with anyone in the future unless they genuinely want to be there, on their own, without pressure or guilt from me. I didn't heed that warning for what it was, or maybe part of me knew it but didn't want to acknowledge it because I didn't want to let go.
Someone posted an article on facebook today about why the author hopes her ex was the love of her life. Titled to make you go "huh?" but I totally got it after reading it and is related to my above thought. She basically said that love was "too much" - he was the first thing she thought about in the morning, the last thing at night, and that it was a "rollercoaster of missing him, loving him, hating him, and needing him." Boy do I know that rollercoaster. And in the future in whatever R I may be in I'm going to keep what she said in mind:
"I don’t want someone to be my other half, I want someone who makes me feel whole on my own. I don’t want to miss someone so much it hurts, I want to know that even when I am apart from him I can trust him and know that he is coming home to me. I don’t want him to be my last thought when I go to bed at night because I want him to be beside me when I go to bed at night. I don’t want him to be the best part of me, I want him to encourage me and push me to be the best self I can be on my own. I want a partner. I want someone I can rely on 24 hours out of the day, seven days a week. I want a love that makes me smile and go to bed completely content with my life, not one that keeps me up at night."
That is what I need to seek -someone (maybe it's my H, maybe not) who doesn't consume my life and thoughts, where we can be individuals with our own needs, wants, activities, and life without constantly feeling like I'm missing him or being jealous or insecure. One day...
Sometimes I have the same thoughts. "I wasted my 20's".
Some of us wasted our 20s and our 30s. And our 40s.
No, I don't really feel that way, none of it was wasted. I had a lot of good years and have three great kids. But I wanted to be M until I was 95. I fell short a few years.