So today, she texted asking for me to meet her late, so she could work more, money tight, and of course complained about it being that way. What is the best way to handle that, not make her mad or anything, but say something meaningful? I just try to validate, and move on.
I guess really it's the impatient part of me saying, "why are we continuing this path, if neither one of us is comfortable in it". And I know I can't just outright say that, but it's what I'm thinking. Just go back to being quiet, she has been texting more of late though. Last night texted about her final she was taking, and that she got an A in the class. I said the wrong thing probably, but told her I was proud of her, part of the validation I am trying, should have left that out. At least she is giving some feedback though, and I am not iniating anything. Still hard as heck to do, but forward we march.
Roid- sounds like you're responding the right way. My WAW took a new job and has complained to me about the hours, how broke she is, etc. I just try to validate and listen. It is difficult to keep your mouth shut at times, but I think the more you listen, the more comfortable she'll feel in opening up to you, hopefully leading to more meaningful conversation.
It is funny how they will text or call you, complaining about the life that they chose... baffles my mind sometimes.
It's not even that. In all reality, they don't think they chose this, but were forced to do this. So the complaining is okay, part of it. It's the way it gets handled by me, that I think is off. But who knows, maybe just let it go and don't respond, or just validate. I'll keep working at it.
Oh and I screwed up and texted it doesn't have to be this way. I tried to stop myself before I sent it, but it was a knee jerk reaction. Almost like my brain wasn't catching up. So time to drop everything again, and hope she doesn't stop contacting me.
Having a tough couple of days, really missing the W and kids. They have been with her for a few days. It has been silent since Monday night though, I talked to her and the D's a bit that night. Was trying to get something figured out, tech related on my end, so texted a bit that night.
Going dark is definitely worth it, I have figured out Everytime we talk or texts it takes a couple of days to get back to being comfortable. The communication brings up positive and negative thoughts at the same time. Just not ready to deal with the bad stuff yet I guess.
I have been having a hard time finding people to hang out with. I know a few people, but Everytime I ask to do something they are busy. I have bee netting out a lot on my own lately though, which helps, but I need some people around. Nice to just have positive interactions with others.
I am with you man. I am getting to the stage where I am getting used to being away from them sometimes and that scares the hell out of me. I don`t want to get used to separation as normal. Family is normal and hard to be at home without WAW and kids.
Going dark is definitely worth it, I have figured out Everytime we talk or texts it takes a couple of days to get back to being comfortable. The communication brings up positive and negative thoughts at the same time. Just not ready to deal with the bad stuff yet I guess.
Yeah I think going dark has been good for me as well. I think making sure not to mindread is the toughest cause `lack of communication is the devils playground`Keep on it...it will take awhile for her to figure it out I am sure she like my WAW doesn`t like it.
I have been having a hard time finding people to hang out with. I know a few people, but Everytime I ask to do something they are busy. I have bee netting out a lot on my own lately though, which helps, but I need some people around. Nice to just have positive interactions with others.
Me too! I have this bachelor friend I hang out with but he kinda depresses me. Not to say I need someone to talk to all the time about my sitch, but it would be nice to have a confident thats a dude. Hard to make friends unlike in my twenties but I am joining some meet ups and if its a mixed group I am ok with that too....I just need some fresh energy in my social circle.
Hang in there man. I believe all this work will pay off down the line. MWD the Divorce Buster herself once responded to my email with `Never give up. No matter how hopeless it seems there is always hope.`
I extend that to you as well. Keep at it and on your side
Man this day is tough. I am sure it has a bit to do with no sexual activity for quite a while now. I find myself thinking about that and my W more and more lately. It's hard not to focus on that once it gets going. Even worse, every time I see her, that's where my mind goes automatically. Even though she said I didn't do anything to say she was attractive, she was always the best looking woman on earth to me. If only I could show that in ways. Oh well back to my day!!
I don't even want to discuss my stich with anyone anymore. The less it gets talked about the further I can move away. I even told my mother to quit asking about it, it is what it is. Feeling a bit better throughout the day. I do get my D's back for like 5 days in a row, that will be nice.
Took day off work, took my girls clothes shopping. That is one you never get used to as a guy. I never know if what I get will be ok or not. I would hate to have them grow up in clothing that is terrible. But I do my best, and usually figure it out.
We had a text convo, started out as trying to figure out girls babysitting needs and then went to us. She started a bit, I think trying scratch for info. She just keeps saying she doesn't know. She did however say that she is not saying we won't ever try again, just that her heart is ready right now. I said I understand, and that not much I can do to change that. I will go back to leaving her alone some hopefully.
Seeing that statement though, it's almost like false hope. I will not read anything into it other than the fact it means we are not even close to anything right now. It alsos kicks the patients off a little bit though. Will have to try and work on that over the weekend.
Babysitting thing us really stressing me out. We cannot afford daycare, I have been using family and friends, but they getting very unreliable, not third fault, just normal facts of life happening. One has a new job, one has kid commitments of their own, one is already watching too many. Getting very frustrating with all of this.
The more I think about, "I'm not saying we will never try again, my heart just isn't ready today", it tells me to back off completely. Really let loose on everything, and see where it takes us. My patience has been wearing thin of late. I have been hard on myself, not sleeping well. And worried about money, kids, and time. It has finally caught up to me in a big way. I completely backslid with the text convo. Puts me at least a few months more behind the eight ball.
I need to get a keg of STFU, and throw my cell in the garbage. I think I just her stance softening until I pushed too hard on our texts. I was so proud of being patient for the last few weeks. A big part was thoughts of OM, but you know what, I was involved in a little tryst and if she is as well what can I really say. I made my words seem hollow, saying we cannot date others. I found out I was more hurt that she could talk to another man that wasn't me, and disclose personal details. Guess what, I did the same, and I pushed her into it by not listening to what I needed to hear.
I was reading some threads, and it hit me that yes I was lazy, complacent, and thinking it will all blow over. I never thought she would leave, never thought I would be alone. Here I am though, all do to not listening. I am thinking this has a lot more to do with me than her. My choices, my mistakes led to this. I can see the things she could have done, but really it was up to me. Now what do I need to do, make the positive changes. I haven't gotten angry in so long, truly not able to control my thoughts and rage. But the lack if sleep is taking it's toll.
Sorry rambling will quit back the my cave!!
The more I think about everything. It doesn't matter if she's softened at all on her stance. She has been texting so much more lately about stuff, but on occasion I find myself iniating some stuff. Usually once a week I will just send hope you are having a good day, testing a bit, sometimes something sometimes nothing, but I feel my expectations are lessening over time. I feel it's more me trying to show her that she is important not just to me, but just important. Right or wrong, I don't know, but I am going to back off for a few days and see if she starts anything contact wise. If not, I will continue the NC, until she does.
The exchange last night and this morning, was not healthy. It was more just a way for each to tell each other what we are feeling, but we both knew that already. I know she's not ready, and I know she knows I am standing for my family. I had been doing so good validating too, I think the reason she has started to talk more.
A lot if feelings the last few days of why am I doing this. Is it for my family for me, I keep coming back to my family. I don't care if I win or not, I want to be whole again, in a loving relationship. I think the thoughts come from me thinking is that really her, can I deal with her disease, can I really keep the changes I am making stick. I know I can if I want to, but the desire fluctuates somewhat. I broke down last night, was praying for guidance and help to figure out the right path. Hopefully someone is listening.
Interesting thing today. Was a friends D's first bday, my friend ended up mutual, W said she might come, but she has said that a lot. I said you know what I am going to look good in case, I shaved, neated up goatee, and put on cologne. Mind you, it was a swim party, and I was BBQ master. So I had on tennis shoes, tshirt and athletic shorts. But I picked a good tshirt. I don't wear cologne often, I have a 6 year old bottle in drawer. I think part of the depression over last couple of years led to not shaving enough, and not caring, anyway!!
She actually showed up, texted to say she was coming. She actually asked if I was okay with her coming, I said up to you? So glad I got gussied up a bit. She has a sinus infection so was tired and sore, along with disease. We had a good day though light convo, bill stuff, life stuff, kid stuff, no R talk. She did say per names three times though, it has been probably 5 months since she has said babe, and honey, today she said them twice each. Just a small step, but it was just a smooth flow, didn't seem that she tried to stop herself. In the past this would happen, try to correct and say my first name.
Does it mean much no, just a small step, but makes me want to keep trying the stuff I am trying to learn. Thanks for all the help to this point.
She texted a couple more times today asking if I knew phelps was swimming? I said yes I saw an article online. Then about the Ebola virus and bombing in Iraq. Things we were discussing earlier and the other day. Just another small step, I hope in right direction. It's amazing the feeling you can get when the WAS is the one to contact.
It's so easy to let the negative thoughts in. I was reading other threads and advice from vets. In similar situations to mine, and they all said why would it be time to do anything toward getting back. More than likely all the stuff she's doing now is just a lie, do not beleive them. It's easy to forget that, when you get a crumb and roll with it, at least in your mind.
How can you keep the PMA going, when you think it's all lies.
I am off the pity wagon today finally. Was feeling terrible for the last week, letting bad thoughts cloud everything. I even snooped a bit. Nothing there to see, but bit your mind can make up stuff. I no longer will be doing that. Did get a random text last night from wife.
We have 2 dogs, she hasn't seen since the week after she left, four almost 5 months ago. She said from Pinterest she saw a german shepherd(our dogs) mix with a husky. Even sent me a picture of it. Then said that she misses our dogs. All I said was, cool how cute, then she said Pinterest is the devil, and I said, yeah lol!! And that was it! Nothing more texted or said. I drop girls off tonight with her for a couple of days. Will be nice and charming and look good for the drop off, but try to act as if nothing is wrong in my world.
Dropped the D's off that night. It was funny, she was very chipper cracking likes even. The roller coaster is so hard to try and jump back and forth on. I know I need to stay off, but it's do hard not to want to grab back a hold of the handrail. I did go out to dinner last night, something new kind of. Instead of ordering take out at local Mexican restaurant, I went in and say down to enjoy a meal.
I was very surprised. I will sometimes get a shrimp chimichanga to go, hit and miss on goodness, but I think I found out that fresh is always better. It was the best meal I have had in a long time. No more take out, if I want that dish I'm going to eat there.
I don't know if it's right or wrong, but I am going to post my thoughts here as opposed to keeping them in or telling them to her.
I have come to really love my wife again. I miss the old her, the way she smiled, the way she made me feel, the way her eyes looked, her smell, everything like that. I know it's not there anymore, at least now.
There are so many things that I want to do. How can you make amends for sins, when you can't? My insides are going tipsy turvy, I think of all the bad things I did, and do I really deserve another chance. I do not want to give up, I can't imagine not having her at my side.
I know this is all wrong, but it's what I feel. I lied a ton during our marriage, and it feels so terrible to fake happiness, and act like everything is okay. It seems like lie to me. I want to trust her, I want to tell her I am sorry, I want to say it will never happen again. I don't believe that yet though either. I don't think I'm strong enough to do it yet. I just want happiness with her and my D's.
Sorry for the length, I just need to vent instead of hold it in. That's what got me here in first place.
I am afraid that if I let go, I will let go forever. I was so miserable in our R for the last year and a half. I didn't want it to end, it was fear yes, but still love as well.
I am important too though. I matter, my happiness matters, my problem is I want to fix her. I can't do it, but every fiber of me wants to run to her, and just help help help. It's almost like a character flaw, it's great to want to help others, but it doesn't help you. And that's it, I don't care about myself.
Things I really enjoy for me. Going to the movies, I have a huge imagination and love Scifi action stuff. Being outdoors is awesome, nice day weather wise, just being. Building and fixing things, anything at all doesn't matter. If I don't know anything about I will research until I can at least attempt to fix. I built a 12x20 deck on my home three years ago. I had never undertaken such a large scale task, at least not alone. By the time I was done I felt so much pride in my work. I enjoy reading James Patterson novels. I like being with friends. There is so much I really enjoy. I just can't get any of it to matter right now.
I am getting so tired of all of this.
I just can't freaking let go. What's my problem here. She doesn't love me anymore, could be seeing somebody else, has no feelings for me. And still I set here just waiting for when she says she is ready to come back. I am such a loser, waiting hoping for anything to fall my way.
I want to text her and say, are you seeing somebody else? Are you ready to come back to me? Can we please try and make this work? But I already know the answers to each and every question I would ask, heck no!!
Such a bad last week or so, I cannot seem to shake it at all!!!
What if you are suspecting OM, but do not know for sure? Are there ways to ask about this per DB? Should it just be let go, and shoved to the back burner? I think I screwed up again and when dropping kids off yesterday told her she looked pretty today!! Is that too much, didn't expect much, more just to see if anything reacted from it.
Reading some others stuff on her does help seem to calming a bit. Thank goodness for others being brave enough to post their stuff on here as well.
Roid, not sure if you've read any of my threads, but I feel your pain. I've been in constant confusion regarding OM and the status of their R. Was being told they were 'just friends' by W, but would see/hear things that led me to believe there was more. Just yesterday, W finally admitted to full PA.
All I can suggest is that you continue to work on yourself and don't get too caught up on OM/possible OM. It only takes the focus away from what you should be focusing on- making yourself a better person/H.
Snooping is typically looked down upon in DBing, but for myself, I felt I needed that information in order to make informed decisions on protecting myself and family. That's a personal decision only you can make.
Thanks Tar,
I have read and actually put a little something there today. I don't want to snoop, a big 180 for me is not being jealous. I think I just need to step back and gain some patients. This weekend was nice being with her on Saturday, hearing some nice words. I think it jumped my mind into thinking we were getting somewhere. When in all actuality, it's just a very small step, hopefully in right direction. Thanks for the comments Tar!! And I feel for your pain as well, I hope you can decide what is right for you and your family.
We got into a R talk a bit. Thought she was opening up some, but really was just venting. She told me she was not ready to do anything right now. She thought I had changed a lot, and stuff, but she doesn't trust me or love anything right now. She is not where I am in the relationship.
I know it was bad, but I told her I felt about everything. Told her I made bad choices, and that it wasn't me, but wrong stuff I chose to do. I think I messed up big time here, and put my chances way back on the wrong path. I saw an opening and took too much. We were talking a lot more, and now that I pushed I know it will be a while until we talk much again. I will just have to pray that my chances are ruined for now. All I can do. I will do my best to not contact, unless she does, but unlikely.
The sexual feelings really have been getting to me. It's been so long and my feelings for her have grown. I went out this weekend with friends had a great time, but couldn't stop thinking about her. Women even flirted with me, and I just thought they are not my wife. They are not good enough. What to do here, I don't know, I need to find something for a distraction. Hope others are having better times!!
Roid hang in there, no one on earth could have screwed things up and more consistently then I did..lol for real, and I thought there was no way in hell that I would ever have another shot and I did...like 4 more times, but this time things are different, I know you love youre wife, but flirt back with the girls, it builds your self confidence and your wife will pick up on it, mine did. We are in a much better place right now,im not saying have an affair or anything like that, but wrap to the girls, buy them a drink, know that if you where single you could actually hook up with them...its a huge ego booster, plus you will begin to notice that life will not be all that bad without her. When you reach that point mentally, things will turn...trust me..it did for me. Hang in there...we are all in this together and I got your back!!!
Thanks oad, need all the encouragement I can get right now. I know deep down it's a patients thing. I see an opening and try to exploit it. I just can't keep out if my own way. I was being nice, complementing her, not talking about us, and then boom I switch back to old selfish me. And there it is, being the old selfish me, that wants everything my way right now. I am going to try and just post everyday on here, maybe if I post every day that I didn't contact her, it will give me a sense of owning up to it. I need someone to hold me accountable, until I can do that on my own.
Instead of freaking out I'm going to post here. I have a constant feeling of impending doom! At least what it feels like. I know it's okay to feel this way, I'm just trying to not feel this way with her. Even when I text her I try to be as strong as I can be, not a emotional wreck. I can't just shake this feeling like I'm losing the most important thing I've had.
All my feelings for her have come back so much to where they once were. She was so mad at me, unforgiving in everything I did wrong, I gave up and said I just don't care anymore. Now I know I was hiding behind all the fear, and not being honest with myself about who I had become. I am so very sorry for all of it, and know I can do, and will do better. But I just don't know if I can ever get her heart back to me.
Hopefully with this board I can just keep putting my thoughts here, and keep the more emotional stuff from her. God I do miss her so fiercely!!
I have asking for forgiveness a lot of late. I need to stop with that, I think she knows I am sorry for what I did. And at this point it's just selfish to ask for it. I need to keep my actions up that made her want to talk to me more.
We have been texting and talking a bit more of late. Seems to always go back to R talk though. I try to throw in a funny comment or something every once in a while, but that's just to ease the pain. She keeps telling me all the reasons she's not ready, but yet yesterday said that I can text her whenever if I want to. Now there are 2 sides to this, she really wants me to, or she's being nice about it.
I have told her, I was wrong and take a big portion if the blame for what happened. I wasn't ready to be fully committed and realize I was covering up a lot of my insecurities through her. Acting in anger, or jealousy, or whatever, because I was not the man I thought I was. Well I know that's not true, and I had to find that on the inside first. All she says is, not ready, don't know when, but you can text me if you want. And then she said as long as it doesn't upset you to do it.
Is it best to just back off some more. Let her be alone. I can't lie I miss her so much every day it hurts. This has been going in so long and for me to think there is still a chance to save it is really wearing on me.
I had put on here an unexpected event from this past Sunday(guess it didn't make it). She actually invited me to go out to dinner with her and the D's. I accepted, we set for about an hour hour and half and ate and talked. The girls were a bit of a handful, but overall very good time.
Totally took me off guard when texted to see if I wanted to eat dinner with them. Never nebtioned us or anything just looked in her eyes, validated, and listened the best I could. I was on cloud mine after nine at least for a while anyway. Trying to get myself to come back down and realize not even close to over, but a very good step in right direction I hope.
Also stayed together at D dance class last night. Talked laughed a bit, nothing serious. I think I have found something that may be working. I try to tell her in different ways how beautiful she is. Try not to be to pursuing, but yet make sure she gets what I am alluding too. She seems to be very receptive of that, so I will keep it going.
I am trying my best not to contact her. She has contacted via text a couple of time in the last few days. Just some work stories and her having insomnia something fierce. I just am trying to validate and work through it. I know it's not anywhere close to getting back together, but for some reason I feel very good the last few days. Am I wrong for feeling that way. I know it's bad for detachment, but I still want to be with her. I guess the next few days could be a bit telling. She has girls for 5 days straight. If she doesn't contact me at all, probably a bad sign, if she does maybe a good sign, but either way I want to enjoy this new found happiness.
I just want to text her and tell her, I'm so sorry for what happened, forgive me!! It won't happen again, I swear I won't let my emotions get control and let my fear drag me away into the dark places I once was. I miss you, and will keep up my hope that one day we can share life together again. I so bad want to send it, but I won't. It's like trying to fight a grizzly bear to keep away from the phone. And work is so dang boring today, these days are terrible!!!
Yea, I know where you are coming from, but you are smart enough to know that nothing you say will make a difference. Maybe one day you can say those things, but right now is not the time. Actions...not words.
Right, actions are better, but I think a few words when I see her is okay. I think part of the action is her seeing I really do think she is beautiful, and a few words help. As long as I don't get my hopes up too much at least. That's the thing with all of this, if you are getting feedback and things are going well, just loosen the expectations and keep up the work. We can't set on our thumbs the whole time, or act like it's okay to just be friends. We still have to show that there could be more there, just have to do in the way that works best for our different stich's. I think that makes sense, at least I hope so.
I think we get so scared to do anything, that we forget, we still have to try things and be active. Just not in a pursuing manner!!
Right, actions are better, but I think a few words when I see her is okay. I think part of the action is her seeing I really do think she is beautiful, and a few words help. As long as I don't get my hopes up too much at least. That's the thing with all of this, if you are getting feedback and things are going well, just loosen the expectations and keep up the work. We can't set on our thumbs the whole time, or act like it's okay to just be friends. We still have to show that there could be more there, just have to do in the way that works best for our different stich's. I think that makes sense, at least I hope so.
I think we get so scared to do anything, that we forget, we still have to try things and be active. Just not in a pursuing manner!!
Things have been a bit weird lately. Getting a lot of mixed messages. But most are good I think. We have been talking a lot more, she has opened up about where she is and what she is thinking a ton. I have opened up quite a bit as well. She says that she wants to have dates with the kids along, do the family thing, and maybe progress into us doing something. I believe she wants to she how I am, and see if we hit it off a bit. So I will have to on my best and hopefully a bit flirty best.
We are not quite there yet, as far as Recon goes, but slowly working there possibly. I still have a lot of work to do, but I think headed down the right path. We are planning another family date for the weekend. And I have been trying my cot best to get back into the fold as well, but just little bits. She has said it feels awkward to her if we are alone together, that's a tough one, but I understand too. I don't know if this is exactly right, but the more we talk the more she opens up, so I am going to stick with that for now. Hope for the best, stay as positive as possible!!!
That sounds very encouraging. I think you mentioned on my thread once that your W was depressed? My DB coach said that fmily activities would be very good in that situation (We're miles away from that right now).
Good Luck!
For all the encouragement, it's amazing how one day of nothing contact wise can play with your mind. I have the girls this weekend, and she is all alone. But the only thing I can think is that she isn't alone, and is probably of ways to get me out of her life, or spending it with somebody else.
These are the days where you have to keep pushing all the bad things out of your mind. Keep thinking that no matter what I am not giving up. There is always a slight chance, that she is thinking about me, and what it would be like to come back. She could be weighing her options, or she could just be keeping herself busy. I might never know exactly what's going through her mind.
I think the biggest reason for negativity, are some of the things she still says and doesn't say. We try not to read into things, but it's so hard to not go over both sides. Once both sides come up, the only thing that sticks are the bad things, OM, not being honest, being manipulative, really anything. I am still trying to think of the good though. Bad news today too, I have an Aunt that may not make it much more than the next few days. I know that plays into it, I've lost quite a few family members in the last year. And death is not something I deal with well, but I am trying to figure out ways to be better!!
I am getting a lot things from her over the last few days. She is saying things that lead me to believe she's tired of this and wants to try but is scared. She has never been good with decisions, and I think is waiting on me to do something to help her along. I don't want to, but I don't want to lose her either. What do I do?
Tonight, we talked about how she feels uncomfortable around me, and doesn't know how to change that feeling to let me back in. She said she just wants to feel like she is living again and not just going through life. She said that she doesn't know how to let me back in and is lost and down. To me it's like she is wanting to do something but is scared to death to get hurt again. I just tried to validate, and told her how I felt. She said that she couldn't say she loves me, but then texts back that she was sorry she wasn't good enough, and that she wasn't good enough to not be where she is so lost. I have no idea where to go with that. I have a feeling I should just try to show more love toward her when we see each other, try to touch her, or slight gestures, but I don't know for sure. My all about being lost!!!!
Things have been going very well. We have had a lot of convos about a possible future together. She is still a bit hesitant, but warns up more everyday. Still some work to do, but right now it's kind of crappy timing. I just sold my house, in my name only, and need to figure out what to do next! Where am I going to move, what should I be thinking about to help make decisions. Going to be a tough few weeks upcoming.
It has been a long time since I have been on her. We are now living under the same roof. I am buying her out of her lease. We have been together now for a bit over a week. Nothing is set in stone we are taking it day by day, but it has been very good so far. The move was very last minute and very chaotic, and we made it through that, so that's a bonus. She has even said she loves me a couple of times. I still don't push, and just try things out to see what works. If it doesn't work, I move on never stopping. I think the biggest thing was just never giving up. We talked a lot in the end, and I pushed but gently.
We have had good times and rough times, but are actually laughing some. We have yet to connect completely in our relationship, but I think little bits at a time, still small steps to the bigger prize. Thanks for all the help, from those that did.
Hey Roid, I believe I am in a similar spot with my W right now. She told me a couple weeks ago that she wanted to start working on things to see where it will go. She also told me that she couldn't guarantee that her feelings for me will come back but her telling she wants to try is definitely a step in the right direction. Which I appreciated.
At the time I was totally blindsided by this but I totally validated her and agreed that we should take things slow. Since then we have had a couple dates.The First one wasn't really a date (although I consider it to be), but I invited her to spend time with my nieces and I on their girls day, not thinking she would accept, but she did! It was during this time that she was affectionate and like her old self with me. However a day after she said she realized that even doing that was going to fast so now we are still taking things slowly, more like good neighbor/best friends like way. The second one we went to dinner and it was good but not great because I backslid into talking about our R, but it was good because she realized that it needed to happen.
Our next date is coming up this weekend and It is at a really nice fancy restaurant so it will give me a chance to show her the handsome side of me and hopefully it won't get awkward although our communication lately has been pretty good, so I'm confident that it won't be.
Anyway, I digress a bit, apologies. Its good to hear that things are getting better with your sitch. Sounds like you are doing all the right things right now. Keep it up! Wishing you the best.
Might need some guidance if possible. We have been living together for almost 4 months now. Just this weekend, something changed not sure what. She went from being somewhat fun to telling me she is just not feeling anything. I know I have backslid a bit from time to time. Trying my best to keep it up beat and fun, but life is stressful. She said she's not leaving, but did say she did it for the wrong reasons, coming back. Her family she said pushed her into it, from them telling her it was the right thing.
I have tried to talk to her, but don't get much. She has said that she doesn't see any fun in me, and wants someone who she can fun with and live. My problem is she has a disease that hurts her body and she is going to school for her nurse practitioners degree. So she is co scantly wore out and wants to lay in bed all day. Depression is part of her problem as well. She sees a doctor for it and takes meds, but it only seems to help from time to time. She recently switched medicine a little, I think may be part of why she is going back to this state.
She has mentioned that she still doesn't unewsstand how I could have his things and did what I did to someone I love. I just don't have the words to say how sorry I am, and how I want to be different. And like I said I still struggle with everything. I need more time to work on me I guess. But living together and not being intimate or sharing any emotional stuff at all is tearing me apart.
Would it be wise to just basically go cold with her again? Or try something else. I'm really at a loss here. Wishing I had not taken the chance so soon to get together again. I'm sure she feels stuck and it's really affecting her. I'm not even allowed to say she is pretty or anything from the convo this weekend. Very disheartening.
I have done the most stupid thing I could have. I pushed to hard and we are back to where we started I think again. She wants to leave, and doesn't want anything to so with me. She says I did too much and she can't forget or forgive me. There is nothing to do at this point. I don't think she can fess my leave money wise. The only thing I can do is start over again.
She keeps saying that she will never feel pretty or be able to trust me again. It's hard not to believe all of that this time. I don't know if this is the point to give up or just keep trying with her. I guess really to keep trying means to just let her be, and don't really say much. I'll have too see if I can get anything back, and remember not to push. I was saying I love you, and was making passes at her as well for sex. Nothing major, but I think that drive her away. She said I wanted things she didn't want.
It's tough to try and fix this, and not be trying to be intimate. This all happened quickly, and I thought a few signs meant good things. But I pressed to hard, she said I was being selfish again for my needs only. I thought I was doing this for us, but it was only for me. I hope I can get back to trying to show her things that make her feel that I care about her.
It's finally over. She told me over the weekend that she wasn't attracted to me, didn't want to touch or me to touch her. She doesn't want to be alone with me, and doesn't think it will come back. I think I'm finally ready to give up.
It still hurts very much, but also like a weight lifted. I'm still going to continue with myself getting to a better spot, but have a lot of work to do. Need to get out of a lease somehow, figure out the kids arrangements and so on. Feeling heartbroken of course, but I know right now this is for the better.
Hey Roid! You were one of the very first people to comment on my thread and I have often wondered how you were doing.
Sorry to see you back under these circumstances. It sounds like you have fairly clear picture of what you want for now.
Take care of yourself right now.
I have finally came to the realization, that I have never truly let go. I never did enough for me. And I definitely was still very selfish throughout all of this. Thinking a few things would fix my underlying issues. I have never been able to fully break free from a crippling addiction to pornography. And it has basically led me here.
It hit me last week, that I am still thinking only of me. Still thinking of ways to make my life right. I have chased, begged, pleaded, and made myself a fool for something that I don't even know if it's right. I have to break free and find myself again, in order to figure this out.
I snooped some this weekend, saw some stuff on FB, and instead of thinking before I talked, I just talked. I am constantly pursuing something, that doesn't want anything to do with me. I have to break the chains, and I can do that. I can move forward and live a healthy life. Right now neither the W or I are very healthy. In the dee recesses of my mind, I can't shake that I did love her, and I do want to be with her. That part is going to be the hardest to shake. However, if I don't shake that, even our relationship for the kids suffers. And that can't happen. I have to be bigger than this, and show my kids it's okay to split, it doesn't mean the end of the world. It doesn't mean we have to fight and argue all the time. It just means we enter a new chapter.
I am going to try to post on here some in hopes of not bugging her. Keep my thoughts and actions to myself, and be more self aware of what I'm doing. But I want this for me now, to heck with her, I want to be a good dad, and a good man again. That's something I have lost over the years. And I want it back!!!
I must also confess all my wrong doings to someone. I have started with some family and friends, but need to do it here too.
A few months back, I was hit on by a very good friends W. We exchanged numerous sexual texts, and a few photos. It never led anywhere other than that, but she couldn't habdke the guilt. She finally told her H and my W, all that had happened. I regret it, I was in the fog, and look back going how could I. But it was easy, quick fix, not so quick problem. I literally fixated on her for over a month. When the news broke to my wife, that was it I think. We were doing ok, and then bam, but even then, I know the odds were long.
The whole time we were back, I had gotten back into porn surfing, and masturbation. I wasn't able to control my sexual feelings, and not able to act upon them. It has been over 2 years since I have touched a woman, and it will be even longer for it to happen again. My addiction has caused me to lose sight of my morals and what I truly value.
Not but a day after her telling me that she didn't find me attractive and disn't want to touch me,I flirted with another woman over FB, and got busted with that. I seriously have no control over my emotions and what they make my decisions do. But I can't live like that. All I'm trying to do is live in a fantasy, where I get all my desires fulfilled, it's just not a healthy way to live.
I can say, I do love my wife, I do want to be with her, but right now, I can't even love myself. I am disgusted, and need to let her live the life she needs right now. In my mind I still think I have a [censored] at happiness with her. But in order to get there, I have to be over the porn, over my confidence issues, and in a better place for me. I really just want to be happy and live again. When I snooped on her over the weekend, I realized I am more jealous of her having a good time, and me just sitting at home. And that's just not right. I have to live through me, and do what I want. What she does is of nothing to me right now. If I'm lucky I come out the other side of this with a new lease on life. I just hav me to understand that it's not going to be with her, or anyone else for a while. Thanks for listening.
And have you been going to counseling for yourself?
I know she is seeing OM now as well. Says just an old friend, but nothing going on. He mysteriously pops up in places. I know what to do, but have a hard time letting go. It's so sad, that we are told I don't want you, but we can't stop thinking they are lying, or just need woke up. I am going to do my best to just breathe and focus on myself and my kids. I do want a happy life, just need to be alone right now to find that place.
Yes I was seeing a counselor, but I simply can't afford it. No insurance coverage, and it's just too much. But once everything settles down a bit, I'm hoping I can find a way to go back and start again. It was very helpful, and after I quit, I could tell a change was happening. I was starting to revert back to what I didn't want.
The last couple of sessions in counseling were starting to deal with my porn addiction problems as well. That was very helpful, I have to realize that is why I did a lot of what I did. I didn't any to touch her, didn't want to face reality, and I was wanted her to be more like the woman I was watching. And that's not really the case, I was hiding my insecurities with things under the addiction. It was the only thing that made me feel good.
I have been going to another site, devoted to this problem. I am trying to seek some support and guidance for that there. It has only been a short time, but I am hoping all of this will lead to better things. I really had a wake up moment last week. I know we have these from time to time, but it really hit home. I did love my W, and I did want to be able to be with her. But right now, I can't even be there for myself. Without that I am nothing.
I have been tripping over myself to be nice to the WAW since we moved back in. That was absolutely the wrong thing to do. Totally lost vision of me, and how badly I was just fawning over her. That's just not healthy, for either of us. And when she said you are not attractive to me, it was the straw that broke my back. Inside I lost it, outside I held it together. But inside I was a mess of emotions and anger. That's where my light came on. What am I doing this for? I'm killing myself and she is literally just laying in bed doing nothing. I have had enough, but it still hurts the same.
do you go to a church? There may be a few no cost counseling/support groups around your area.
No I don't go to church. I have researched some low to no cost, but can't find any that would work. But I will continue on that route. Try to find something.
Here's to a new day. I'm sad, just as sad as ever. But if I want anything in life, it's got to come from inside me. It's got to be true to myself. I have an addiction, and I let it ruin something pure and innocent in my life. But I'm not going to let it rule the rest of my life. If my W doesn't want to be here so be it. I can't change that, I can only be me, and move forward. I'm really going to fight this, and it's going to take all my patients and all my time. But sooner or later, I will walk away with a better life.
The W if moving out again. Next weekend is the date. I have such mixed emotions. On one hand I know it's better, but on the other I'm just not happy to see her go.
Friends today is a tough day. I don't want to ever give up. I feel like if I just let her leave what does that say about how I feel toward her. But I guess it means that I feel toward her how she feels about me right now. That there is no love, no spark, and no connection. But it's so dang hard to just say ok leave, take your heart with you. I know I can make it through to the other side of life, but my patients and thoughts are trying to tell me otherwise.
I tried to quickly and to robustly to fix my marriage. Especially since there was just too much to fix on my part. I screwed up, I did things to show her I hated her, and that she was ugly or unattractive. The whole time holding in how bad I really felt about myself. I don't want to be alone, but I just don't have a choice. I feel wasted and exhausted, everything I had, is all used up. I need to turn around and take care of myself, but I just want to lay in bed and cry. This [censored], but I have to keep fighting, only this time for me and my needs. I am such a selfish person, I have to face that, and find a way to get rid of it. Help others or something. I don't want to be selfish, I just want to share something and be happy about it.
Okay rant over for the day. But I think I may be back for more, just need to keep releasing all this venom.
I think that accepting she wants to leave is important, and means you are respecting her decision.
If you didn't accept it and fought for her to stay, it suggests you are not really 'hearing' her..
It's counter intuitive I know..
I know, it's hard to listen, when your emotions are taking over. But it's sinking in that it's just over, and I need to move on.
When you get to a point, and yiu know it's over. Do you really just ever give up hope entirely? I feel like in the back of my mind, there will always be hope, and if I give that up, it will never come back.
It's a tough day. Lots of feelings and emotions. Another question though. It's been over two years of nothing from W, no love, no love intimacy. I am so over all of it, I just want to be happy, and have a relationship. But I'm so afraid of trying something new, and hurting her still. I don't want to totally ruin any chance at a R, if one ever presented itself. But I know that right now that's silly thinking. In the back of my mind, the fear of that is gripped tight though. Is the only way to do that, to just get out and do it? Do I try to get over that fear first? Really confused right now!
How can I truly say I ever just wanted to be with my wife. All the things I said and did, acted counter to that in more ways than I could even imagine. I'm scared to be alone, but I acted that way the last few years, not wanting to be with her either. I have so many things that I need to work through, I cannot be a good husband until that happens. And who knows when that will be. My whole life, I have tried to keep up with everybody, tried to feel good because I had this or that, and in the end, none of it matters. The only thing that matters, is being happy within yourself. Knowing you make the right choices, and the right decisions based on you, not somebody else. But I have no idea how to do that or where to go.
When you get to a point, and yiu know it's over. Do you really just ever give up hope entirely? I feel like in the back of my mind, there will always be hope, and if I give that up, it will never come back.
It may be over now. But as long as you are alive, you have a future. And no one ever knows what their future holds. You might very well have to move on with your life w/o your W right now but that does not mean that at some point in your future you wont end up together again. In the mean time, work on being that person she would be a fool not to be with. So whether it is her or someone else, you are the best you possible.
I know where you are coming from as do most people here. Look, you and your W have kids together. Focus on them. Be a great dad. Drop the rope with your W if you must and move on. You will always have contact with your W because of your kids. She will be keeping an eye on you and what you are up to. Trust me. Be that attractive catch she once knew. But dont do it for her, do it for you. Because you were happy before you met her and you can be happy with out her.
Today she was texting me about how the pharmacy messed up her drug order. She does this often, after saying she doesn't want me in her life. So I finally said, I can't do it anymore. I can't just be someone you vent to, I want more than that, and you don't. She got pissed. I told her she has chosen to have others in her life for that and doesn't want me. Then she said, that I was treating her like crap, and controlling her. And she finally said she doesn't want to text except about the girls. Ok, whatever. The only problem with this is, that we both signed a lease to a house, the guy is going to try and rerent, and let us out. However, the bills are more than I can afford on my own. So she has to help, very scary, because it just takes one time, and she can say no help to you. What do I do here?
I'm finally seeing to just let go is the only choice. I am angry and mad, more at myself than her, but I'm trying to keep that under wraps. I want to make sure I have a relationship with the mother of my kids. That's all that's important right now. I still feel a pang or two of missing her, but I know it will get better. Hopefully when she moves out, I can get to focus more on me, and quit trying to do everything I could fit just her. I have been such a little b&$tch for the last few months. I lost my manhood, my sense of what's right and wrong, and everything that I really want in life. It was all tied to her, and how she felt, or what she said. Just no way to live like that. Waiting for something to break, or something to cave in on me. I've made my mistakes and tried my best to make amends, not much else to do, but try to live. Thanks for all the help!!
You know what they can be so cruel. She is leaving in a few days and just got mostly undressed right in front of me. Yes it was tough, and yes I'm totally sex starved right now, but wow. That's all I can say on that.
Today she was texting me about how the pharmacy messed up her drug order. She does this often, after saying she doesn't want me in her life. So I finally said, I can't do it anymore. I can't just be someone you vent to, I want more than that, and you don't. She got pissed. I told her she has chosen to have others in her life for that and doesn't want me. Then she said, that I was treating her like crap, and controlling her. And she finally said she doesn't want to text except about the girls. Ok, whatever. The only problem with this is, that we both signed a lease to a house, the guy is going to try and rerent, and let us out. However, the bills are more than I can afford on my own. So she has to help, very scary, because it just takes one time, and she can say no help to you. What do I do here?
Dont let her trap you into an argument or give her an opportunity to shift blame.
With any luck you will be able to get out from the house.
Had some very good just talks tonight. We are not going to work anything out, and that's okay. I'm having some emotional troubles, but I think I will just need time to get over all of it. She said there is nothing left for me, of course she cried, and I cried. But it is what it is. I still want her, but I know now is not the time. I will make myself better, and continue to be a great dad. Throughout all this, I have always been the best father a guy could be, considering everything. Maybe that's my space in this life. To raise two beautiful girls into even better young woman. I hope that is the case.
Trying to get over all of this. I have a lot of issues deep inside. Below all the bullshit I've spewed out the last few months, I know what I want. The problem is I'm too late, too tired, and too overwhelmed to even think about it. I'm trying to get in to see a therapist I was once seeing last year, but haven't gotten a reply back yet. Going to have to really research that avenue more. It's going to be a very helpful tool moving forward.
I honestly don't know how we ever made it this far in our M, looking back at all the stuff I did, and she did. I'm just shocked that we have come this far. I was such a selfish utter jerk, I don't know if I can ever really love another human the way I am right now. She literally worked her tail off for the family, and I couldn't see it at all because my own needs were not being met. And I never stood up and said, hey I need something here to every once in a while. Instead I got mad, or went into fantasyland. I have a long way to go before I can ever realize what it truly means to be in a M.
I am on day 20 of no porn or masturbation. Trying to control that side of me. This has always been a problem. Last year I went almost two months with nothing and started again, going to make it stick this time. I'm really just feeling exhausted from everything. Trying to really see if I would even want to save my M, or if I eber really did anyway.
I believe part of me was gone long ago too, and it was just the thought of holding on, because I was scared to let go if anything. Scared of change, scared of new surroundings, and scared of being unable to make it on my own. I keep thinking I made it fine before, but things are a bit different yet. More debt, more bills, kids, a lot of stuff I didn't have before her. But I just don't have a choice in this matter.
The hardest thing I'm finding is getting the energy to just get out and do anything. The worst thing is letting go of the power that they have. I gave her the power the moment I messed up and she left. I still think, how is this going to affect her, what can I do to make her happy. What a vicious cycle that is. I know I can't make her happy, I want to totally shut my heart off like she has, and move on, but something keeps pulling me back in. Think about a future without and be fine one minute and freaking out the next. Normal behavior to a point, but it's totally got me wrecked. All I can do is keep telling myself, you have to do it.
I'm part of another forum for my addiction problem. It's really amazing how much of an issue that stuff really is around the board. So many people are having troubles in their M based on the addiction. I hope some day society figures out that this stuff is terrible, and needs to be dealt with. Just a side issue though. Had a good morning, but a rough night. Back to be alone for a few days, no kids no W. Just me and the dogs. They are good company though. Will listen to all my problems and solutions to said problems. Now if I could only get them to talk.
Hang in there, you are not alone.
Why was your night rough?
Just a lot of emotions last night. I'm getting to the point where I just want to give up totally. I have been in a loveless, unhappy marriage for the last three years. And I don't have the energy to fight anymore. I'm tired of her thinking it's all my fault. She still wants to be friends, even though I told her that would never work. Yesterday I was good then she texts that she was crying because D's cried after getting dropped at daycare. This is the first time in 4 months she has dropped at daycar, I have done it everyday before. And I have had to deal with the frying the fits, and not once did I ever text her saying I was upset. She wants to use me for emotional support, but yet not for anything else. I'm done with this rollercoaster. We both just need to move on. Sad thing is, when we moved back into together we signed a lease, and used a lot of our money on it. Now wee are broke and I can't even file for a D. So here I am just stuck in limbo even more.
I've been reading thru some forums lately. As a man, I must be honest with myself. I want another woman, I need another woman. After years of having the sexual and intimate connection, and now it's just gone. I see other men talking about dating and getting out. I know what it is. Men need that connection and look for it all the time for validation and for security. All we want is the closeness and feeling it gives us. I haven't had that for 2 years now, and a piece of me is missing greatly. But it's not the right piece and I'm not ready to do that yet. Yes I flirt with other women from time to time, but I'm thinking with my other brain so to speak. I don't like that.
I thought I needed another one quickly to fill the void I have, but really I need to be right. I could even hold onto a one night stand right now let alone another woman. And I would feel miserable afterwards anyway. I seriously just want this to be over so I can finally feel free to do what I want for a change. I'm still basing my actions off of W, and her reactions to it. The best I have felt was when she was gone and I got away for a while. Not having to see her bad moods and all the pain I caused her. I don't know how else to explain it.
For the second separation, I am going to need help to detach again. She texts something and I fall into the trap every time. I told her I can just be friends, like she suggested. I have to stop communication with her unrelated to kids or finances. But there is always something that sticks out. I think she is getting the idea though, that I will not be a friend. When she texts I should get in here and say what she said and how it made me feel. I keep saying that I am down with this all, but I can't give up. My kids deserve better, and we both deserve better. I know what I did wrong, and continue to do wrong. I'm trying to change myself, but it was all for her. I had no intentions for myself. That will change. I can't live like this. I can't live in fear of everything.
I hope that one day I can look back and say no matter what I did the right things. Even with the mistakes and lack of self control. I do believe in a higher power I may not go to church, but I oray often. I ask for guidance and signs of the right path to take. Tonight I will oray for the power to stop using messages as tools to get what I want. I'm totally not appreciating her space and wants right now. I'm tying to control her and her feelings and actions. I know I cant, but I can't stop either.
Let me cut straight to the point:
What are you DOING about any of this?
I am going to stop texting. No insisting contact. Today has been terrible. She finally said that it was the no touching, no intimacy that we had that has caused most of this. She feels ugly and ashamed. My porn addiction violated our marriage just like an affair, and I would have to agree. I cheated on my wife, with fantasy and a computer screen.
She has said that she doesn't think we can be happy together. She doesn't think she can work through this, and that she has too much other stress in her life to deal with it. She feels sorry for hurting me, and the girls. Her feelings are her feelings though, and I can't fault her for that.
Does this really mean it's over. Do I finally need to just throw in the towel, and say to heck with it. I'm going to my doctor today to figure out meds for me. I've got a lead for a therapist, just have to find the time to go. I keep telling myself to just give up, but I can't and really don't want to. Deep inside, I still have feelings for her. I just don't know if I can ever get over all of this with her.
How can I show her that I will be changing, and that I will be a better man. She doesn't even care anymore, no feelings for me at all. So lost, so frustrated at myself. Where can I possibly go from here?
I was recently reading over Sandi's post on wayward wife's. It doesn't apply to me so much. I have truly hurt and broken all trust with my W. She is pissed and just wants out. I don't want to give up, but what choices do I have. I know we are to focus on us, and stay away, but I really screwed up here. I never thought my actions would have so much hurt with them. I mean I cheated on my wife, in all terms of it. I acted in infidelity, and I don't how to live with that.
Well guys it's really just over. I feel bad for my kids. They shouldn't have to go through this, but we did what we did, and no changing it. I can't say I don't want something else, something that's better. But I feel like I'm giving up on my kids. It will get better with time. And hopefully I can pull myself out of this funk.
I don't know if it's right or wrong. I've been detaching lately. I haven't contacted or really responded to anything she has sent me, outside kids. Hasn't been much anyway. But I have been talking to another woman. She is single, has a 9 year old, and we get along well. It's helping with the detachment, but I still feel like I'm doing something wrong or need to hide it. Even though she has done the same, and hid it from me. Should I feel bad for being flirty with another woman? Or just let it be, and get my groove back?
I dunno man.
What do you beliefs tell you to do?
My beliefs are what's messes up right now. After some thought though, the flirting isn't bad, helps to build confidence which I need to have. Taking it any further than that is just stupid. My belief in that is, that's just not right. But I feel into those traps before, I have little self control. It's always gotten me into trouble. I'm trying to work on that, but slip up every once in a while. Now if I'm ever in a committed relationship again, I know that flirting and being that way is not right. But for the old one the damage is done. Can't do anything about it but move forward.
I have my very big downsides, but I just want to be loved and love in return. I'm always so scared of being hurt or being left alone, that it just breeds my insecurities to such a high level. I basically ruined something good over this, how can I fix it? That's what I keep asking myself right now. And there is not an answer out there, because you can't fix everything. Sometimes once it's broke, it's broke, no glue, no tape, no nothing is going to fix it.
Your right. You can't fix it.
It took a lot of courage to "say" what you just said. You are being very honest with yourself.
I have to fix me. I still haven't learned enough lessons in life. I'm going to do my best to detach from W, have started somewhat, backslid a little today. But I'm not going to give up all hope. I am to fixated on the intimacy in a relationship, and until I battle that demon, I'm never going to get anywhere. I need to face facts, I flirted, I tried to pick up, and I was not happy at home with what I was getting.
That doesn't mean I'm all bad, or that I am too worse off to change. It means that I need to really switch over to me right now. Keep looking in the mirror until I'm happy one day. I'm overweight, out of shape, have a bad back, depression issues, abandonment issues, sexual issues, anger issues, anxiety issues, and the list could go on. I am focusing on the sexual issues right now, then I can pick something else to work on. Of course while doing that I need to lose weight and get in shape. My problem is I feel like a failure, not only to my family, but to myself. If I me that attitude, I'm only going to lose my mind, and end up somewhere. I might be a failure today, but it doesn't mean I am one tomorrow or the day after.
You can do it Roid - I know you can!
Losing weight is easy, just have to make a plan and stick to it.
You are not a failure!!!
My problem is I feel like a failure, not only to my family, but to myself.
Sometimes I feel the same way man. I'm so disappointed with my life right now.
But...
What are you doing about it? You can improve each of those areas of your life.
What are you doing right now about the sexual issues?
What are you doing right now about your weight?
I have been porn free for 33 days now. Nothing over a month. But I can't seem to pull myself out my no energy funk. So not even exercising. I have to start, I just need to do something. I don't even go out anymore. I haven't been around friends or family for months. I want to go watch a movie, but I don't because I have no one to go with.
Here's my deal. The porn, was like cheating on her. I literally had an affair on my wife. Then to top it all off. One of my best friends wife's starts to hit on me after separation the first time. I take off with it, get her to send me a picture. The friend finds out, she has tons of guilt, and she tells my wife what happened. I don't know if I ever would have said something either. I never imagined I would ever do this kind of stuff. I lost my friend, my W, and my sense of self worth.
The guilt and shame is killing me inside. I can only imagine how the W feels right now. I so badly want to save my marriage, but it's just not possible after all of that. Then I look at myself and say how could you do that, I have no self control what so ever. I am so ashamed of myself right now. All through the R, it was me making stupid choices, and it finally caught up to me. I can turn it all around, but I almost feel what's the point. My kids are the only thing making me tic right now, and it's just not enough.
You've read DR right?
Remember the part about goal setting?
Do that with regards to your weight, and GAL.
What is something you could DO in the next week that would be the first step to accomplishing your long term goals?
If your long term goal is to lose 100 pounds, what's the first indication you are doing something to head in the right direction?
Your lack of energy is directly related to your lack of action.
Yes, but it's been a while. My goal would be a weight, 225 lbs. that's what I was when I met the W. I got up to almost 300lbs. I'm in the 260's, but mostly from not eating and being depressed. I see a doctor and that is getting better. But the weight gain will come if I don't do something about it.
Okay today has been a good day. I have managed to stay away from Facebook, not contact, or even try to. The detachment thing is hard, but I know it's the right thing for me. The bad thing is I have to harden a little right now, it's the only way I can make it work to detach. I will continue to not contact and just keep myself up.
One other thing. I never stick to what I say, I always do the opposite. I said I would do this or whatever, and either I wouldn't do it, or I would do the opposite. Today I have managed to do what I said I would. I haven't caved into pressure. I've always felt weak, or unworthy in my life. I just thought I didn't matter, and no matter what I did, it was okay, because it was for me. It's so not true. If you don't stick to what you really are, you lose everything. I hope to gain that back, at least in the next few weeks.
I just can't give up on my marriage. I've gave up on myself time and time again. I didn't finish college, I have numerous health problems and won't address them properly, I suffer from psych issues and don't get enough help. I never follow through on anything, I always just half ass it, or try to talk my way out of it. But I literally keep pushing her, I'll stay away for a couple of days then have an episode and text her, and it's always about us, or why?
I don't think I can control myself enough to actually not try and contact her. Her grandma has cancer they just found out. And all I want to do is be there for her, but I can't at all. If I even say anything it's just taken as being pushy, and it is. I'm trying to weasel my way back in. I honestly think I have burned all my bridges. She said today, we can't be saved, I need to just move on, she's sorry, but she doesn't see a future with us. And of course I just push a little to far.
I'm a control freak, and I have no control right now. I have to get a new place to live, can't find anything that will take my dogs, German shepherds, and it's really got me down. I am just hoping to find anything at this point to live in. It feels like everything is just going down the drain.
I apologize for never listening to the advice on this board. It's always my way or it's just plain wrong. Obviously that's not the case. I just want to be happy in life. I know I can be, but everything just looks so bleak right now.
I don't want to give up on my family. But I can't get out of my own way. I haven't done anything or contacted her, but all the past stuff is killing me. I just wanted her to see that I needed her. I just didn't know how to do it right. I can only imagine how she felt, and now there is nothing. She's totally just moved on.
Today she texts and says "nothing is changing for me, I am happy right now with how things are." So that means I need to back off even more, but does it mean I need to give up?
Backing off, giving her space and time, doesn't mean you are giving up. It's allowing her breathing room to figure things out for herself. It also gives you time to take care of yourself and focus on what you need to do to continue moving forward.
Getting the hang of detachment takes a long time to learn. Once you learn how to detach, you'll notice that you won't react to her behavior or her comments like you've been doing. But, it takes time to get the hang of it and you will as you travel this road.
You aren't alone in trying to figure things out. Okay?
I know, not alone. I was just so terrible to her. But I really didn't know what I was doing. I literally winged it, not a way to do a marriage.
I just really miss my W, not what she is but what she was. It's been way too long of walking these tight ropes. I'm not giving up though. I can't give up, I gave up on everything in my life. I'm going to back off, if it takes me throwing my phone in the lake. I will have 5 days in a row of no contact, if I don't break. God please help me stay the course.
Side note I found another thread from a while back. It was a man that has gotten cancer and was near the end. It made me think about what's really important in life. It also, made me think what am I really upset about right now. No matter what happens, you have to think to yourself, it could be worse. It could be something life threatening or worse. Just something to think about.
I'm not a vet Roid, but have read a lot on here over the past two months but will chime in.
Things can always be worse, much much worse, but that doesn't mean that your situation isn't a living hell for you. Acknowledge that and then start taking some action man.
You keep saying that you gave up on everything your life. I'd say that today is the first day that you never say that again and start taking really good care of yourself. Don't give up on yourself especially now in the worst of times. This is when you need yourself the most. This is also the time that if you do take care of yourself, you can look back with the most confidence.
I got sober the day my W walked out and have stayed that way for my entire ordeal. I KNOW that I can handle regular life as a sober person since I've done it through hell. I had a therapist the other day say, "you do realize that having your W walk out drives more men to become alcoholics, drug addicts, and sex addicts than anything else and you've gone the other direction?"
Make a commitment to start taking care of Roid. No matter what your W does. Even if it's just eating better and going for walks. Every act of self care is like putting a penny in a jar. At first it's nothing, but if you keep doing it and keep doing it and keep doing it, soon you've got something.
Detaching is a roller coaster of hell man, no lies. You can either ride it, or stand by the side of it and get in shape, get healthy, get strong, and turn yourself into a man you're proud of no matter what your W does.
We're all right here with you, hating every minute of our situations and wishing they never happened. But everyone will tell you the same thing - the time is going to pass whether you use it to your advantage or not.
Start using it to your advantage. You've got 5 days to workout, eat well, journal, get help, talk to friends, and more.
You are right in your words. I have been working through the detachment checklist that was posted on this site. It's amazing how many little things just go away, when you are locked on only one thing. I'm seeing things that I know are wrong from both sides. I am a serious codependent personality, all I want to do is fix things. I know they came from how I grew up, but it's still choices. I have the choice to keep beating my head against the wall, or I can try something new.
I did try some new stuff the first time she left, but as soon as she was back it was back to the old me. I wanted to fix her, help her out of her depression. I just have to see that's not possible, and never will be.
I have went 47 days today without anything to do with porn or masturbation, off subject, but I think if I can accomplish something, it's going to help with the rest. The only struggle I have with it is my sex drive going through the roof sometimes. It will get better, I just have to keep thinking positive. Thanks for the encouragement PigPen!!