Some tough questions I have been mulling over 25:
Why? Why must she NOT date? I know how the ego feels but it's as if you are assuming she'd sleep with OM's and many of us do NOT do that when we first date.
That is reassuring to hear on sex. Up to the point of reading your perspective on dating, in my mind, dating implied sex with others, finality and certainty to the end of us. The end of any hope or possibility of reconciliation. And the reason why I have chosen not to date anyone else during this time.
And it is hearing the stories of couples who after reconciling, have struggled with the choices they made in seeing other people, which made the journey back that much harder.
If you realize it's your ego talking, and your fears, then ask yourself What are you afraid she'd find if she dated other men? Men who treat her better? Who will love her more than you?
IF so, you have more work to do than you thought.
Dig deep and see what it is. If it's simply the idea of her kissing another man, then it's just plain old insecure feelings. You know she probably had relationships before she met you. Do those haunt you?
Our history is somewhat of a unique one. Up to two years ago, I can say for certain that we had only ever been with each other sexually. There had been no one else for either of us. And the thought of her being physical intimate with another man: Kissing, sex, brings up both physical and emotional feelings: anger, sadness, hopelessness, nausea, feeling winded.
There is a seeming finality to dating/sleeping with others within the context of our relationship. It was something we both treasured and valued, understanding the uniqueness of this bond.
It is the reason I asked for the divorce and went dark after finding out about her EA, and the OM.
There is also a huge cultural aspect from my side of the family. A man whose wife has left, and is openly dating and/or sleeping with other people, and especially so when the marriage is not yet formally dissolved, is the ultimate sign of failure and shame. And this extends to the whole of my family. I failed due to my deficiencies. And by proxy, my family failed in bringing me up properly and are all failures.
Unlike the past EAs/OM, this time she is quite open in the fact that she is looking to date others. And there is no doubt that we would not be here if I had my act together. She did not feel safe emotionally or have that certainty about us (my read). We created such a distance out of our fears, lack of communication, intimacy and trust.
That being said, avoiding humiliating my family is not my objective here. It is to live a life of purpose and love, and ideally with my current wife, sharing in this journey together.
I understand why she is in this place. But it still does not make it any easier for me to process and to come to terms with this.
And that takes time. It would take a lot of time for me to trust OM enough to sleep with him. My sisters mostly say the same thing, but I can't speak for all women obviously. I'm just saying you may have to get past this fear of her dating.
You have given me a ray of hope here 25. Even as I write this, she has just sent me another email asking about my first week at the new job.
As I switch gears, I am still figuring out the best way to expand our conversation beyond the 'surface' level topics. My read is that these emails and texts are her way of slowly nudging the door open. But I am worried that I may be moving too slowly.