My W said 2 weeks ago that she wanted a divorce through a text. I have been living at my mom's house for the past 6 weeks now. It started off as a fight that needs time and said she loved me and hugged me and was good then it started being distant and not knowing if she wanted to be with me. So I tried to push us going good to counseling and she said she didn't want to go because she didn't trust me and that she wants her happiness and why should she have to give up her happiness to keep a relationship together.
I had the kids that weekend and I told her I didn't want a D and that we could work this out. That was when she dropped that she didn't love me for the past 2 years and that she thought of other men and that she settled for me 8 years ago. I did the yell and told her she wasn't a bad person. She cried the whole time on the phone.
I wrote a letter (before I knew of this website) telling her how I felt and that I felt betrayed and that I felt used. She turned around took off her marriage status off of social media and called that night about child support. I give her my whole check and I spend maybe 100 out of 3000 and still pay all the bills and the rent for a house I am not living at and for her to go out and party.
I took my step S to a show and I asked how his was and he told me she was going out every night when she is supposed to be watching the kids and not getting back till the morning. I got the kids later the next morning and she was mad that I didn't get them the Friday night but got them early sturdy morning and how it wasn't fair for her and she didn't get to go out this whole week. So I said something (wwrong thing to say) and now I am stalking her and calling everyone to check on her when I am not and she won't listen because she doesn't trust me.
I need a weekend off and I told her this today in a text. She called telling me that it wasn't fair for her to have them 7 days while I had a weekend off so now I am watching the kids until Friday when they were supposed to go back home tomorrow and I won't see them u til next friday.
I want to detach myself and the DB book is being delivered tomorrow. I don't know what she is doing or with who and I want to text her and I get on here and want to say hey I need help keeping strong. I know I am part to blame for my marriage and I am taking steps to fix that. I want to be a better man for me and my kids. I do think want to lose her but I have to be realistic and say I probably already did. Please help me through this time.
In the beginning of the relationship she was my dream girl and I was working and she was in a tough situation with her ex and D1(at the time). I came in was the good guy and did anything I could to be there. A year after we got together I lost my job and wasn't able to get anything. I got depressed and I tried to hide it. I told her that I felt like a failure and that I wasn't good enough for her. She said she understood and took care of my feelings. Thinking there was something wrong with me because I couldn't snap out of it. I caused her emotional abandonment and I always tried to listen to her and be there and explain that "I wasn't thinking that." or "No that wasn't what I mean by this." But we would always get in fights and I have a huge problem with being wrong. Something I can thank my W for pointing out. The years passed and I gained weight and became even more unhappy with that. I made every excuse of why I wasn't losing the weight except for myself and I started really hating my job and not enjoying going to work.
About 2 weeks before I got booted out I realized I wanted to do something to get myself out of this rut. I started reading about how to fix myself and be the man I know I am. Of course when I tried to talk to her about this she was busy with either kids or dogs or FB. Then I got booted. And now she wants the keys to the house because she thinks I am going to barge in.
School hasn't started so I have basically watched my children at my moms house for the past month now. She has gone out every night (checking the bank account in the morning before I spend money because I can't afford to give it to the bank) and I think this will all end when she gets her other daughter back and school starts. I dont know what to do. I have read sandis rules and I should be getting DB today after work. I have to talk to her when I drop off the babies on friday before I go out of town on my vacation for the weekend. I don't know what to do with that and that is getting me thinking of do this no do this no do this. So I am not planning on talking to her until friday and then until the next friday. am i doing the right thing? I want to put my ring back on but I think it is I don't even know.
Can you tell us more about your marital history? it will help us craft a plan for you.
We started off really well. I would talk about issues I had and she would tell me her feelings. About 2 years in we found out we were having a baby. This was when stuff started getting hard. I was told I knew nothing of relationships and she went to counseling and knew everything about them. Before I got with her I use to fight on the side and I was god at it so I would tell her please don't yell at me or be mean because I wasn't raised that way and I knew I had a temper and I didn't want to get stupid. That was when she started to not listen to me. And one day in a fight she kicked me out while she was pregnant with our first. 2 months later she asked me to come back after I saw that I wasn't validating her feelings the way she needed. And things where good.
A year later we were in another situation that I was not being heard and I said that she wasn't properly listening to my needs and I was out again. This time it was because I wasn't happy with her. I was but it I didn't show it the right way. She told me many times that she was done with me and she was breaking up with me. Then an hour or two later she would call saying she was upset and didn't mean it. Well when I was not in the house I said the same thing to her saying we were done. She hung up and that was it. I called saying I was wrong for doing that and I wanted to be with her and I loved her and we could work this out and no response. I had the kids so 2 days later I dropped them off. I thought things were weird but I didn't think much of it. Later that night she called and told me that she slept with her ex and that she realized she loved me. I was devistated. I thought she cheated on me because we did the same thing we always did. She was under the impression that she wanted it over and did it. Told me she did cheat and basically I needed to get over it on my own when I would bring it up.
I did get over it but I gained an insecurity because of it. When ever I brought it oout it would be me holding on to things and not letting go. Then I started to gain weight and felt unattractive to her. I told her this and that was something that she never heard because I told her plenty of times that I have a problem and I want to get over this. I ended up going to multiple counselors to work on my anger (which I started showing more) me letting go of the past and being happy with myself. I wanted to show her the love I knew she deserved. I asked for us to go to counseling but she wouldn't do anything unless I made the appointment. We were dirt poor and I was looking for work all the time and trying to go to school at the same time.
We got to the point in our relationship that I would hate coming home for the weekends because I knew she would be upset about sometying. She would want to go out but we had no money but it was OK for her to get drinks from men she flirted with at the bar. I didn't think was good but I needed to not make a big deal about it. But she would tell me later a day or two that it was bs that I let these guys buy her drinks and not say anything.
Our relationship would be a do as she said not as she did. I would work 40 plus hours and come home and clean the house and take care of the kids and be so exhausted that I would fall asleep when I sat down to watch TV at the end of the day. Then she would tell me she would go out with our mutual female friends on Friday and that was that. And come home at 4 in the morning and I would be stuck watching the kids all weekend while she slept off her hang over. But she would come out to let me know that keeping a 2 year old quit is easy and I was doing it wrong.
The final straw was my work family is breaking up and leaving. I told her I was going to the bar to say good bye. She called and told me that she had our D5 and that our D8 was at home with a friend and that she was going to a cousins graduation party and she will call later. I started sexting her letting her know I was thinking of her and she asked if I wanted her home now. I said no I will wait until you get home so we can get all hot and bothered. So I waited until midnight and went to sleep. I found out in the morning that she didn't get home until 4. I told her in the morning hey I am a little upset and you made me feel that you were going to come home sooner and I felt like you didn't care. W got mad and started yelling and making about something I never said which she was cheating on me. I apologized and said I was wrong and I didn't want to ruin the night. We'll a couple hours later she was still upset so I asked what she was mad about and told me that I shouldn't be mad at her about last night. Got big I left so we could calm down and she started texting me calling me names and then she called telling me to get my stuff and leave. At this point I haven't left my house in over a year and a half so I was like fine I will leave so we can take a timeout.
And this is where I am.
So she went out last night with her brother. So she called my brother last night to see if he wanted to go with them. He got the message this morning and is as confused as me. Wtf?
So I tried to push us going good to counseling and she said she didn't want to go because she didn't trust me and that she wants her happiness and why should she have to give up her happiness to keep a relationship together.
I heard that line too buddy and it seems to be par of the script. My WAW is also in MLC - mid life crisis...and she has all the signs yours has ..not in love for past 4 years...partying every night...found a journal with all the lust she was having for other guys...I am the reason for her woe. A WAW/MLC will rewrite your marriage history in complete negatives hence the " i only settled for you 8 years ago"
Now having said that you need to GAL...find somethings to keep you sane and make you happy...that attractive side she loves about you and you have some serious 180s to do...eatting humble pie and validating her for one thing. Why stay in a M with an arrogant son of a B? Sounds like she hasnt felt safe in a long time if all the arguments end with her being wrong. Work through what needs to be changed in all your shortfalls...trust me I have plenty of work for the next ten years...and that may mean IC...no it will mean IC....you just need to find out how to fix yourself to be the man she would be a fool to leave. Come here often for support, don't even confide much in mom or family/friends...they can't be very objective about this. Listen to the vets here and find the threads where there is hope...there are those who restored their M...you'll need their stories to help propel you forward. Ok deep breaths. read the DB book! Gal! Detach and believe nothing of what you hear and only half of what you see! Expect nothing from her! If I can do this you can do this. It ain't over till its over. Cheers bro
Welcome aboard. While you're waiting on your book to arrive, here's the link to Michele's first chapters to books.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2388883#Post2388883Hope you will post often.
So went out of town this weekend. She asked where I was going and I said I didn't know which is not like me. Next day she text me asking about if I blocked her from FB and I told her I deactivated because I don't want people to know what is going on my personal life (which is also unusual). Which she replied to ask if I was OK and I haven't said anything. I am proud of myself.
although did backslide. I text her because I wanted to ask a question if there was OM. Didn't tell her said I would tell her in person and then realized I was acting like a @$$ and just told her to have a great week with the kids. All that work and back to square one. Any other books I could read besides DB and DR. I need to keep occupied.
Ray thanks for the 2x4. I do need to work to fix myself. I start seeing a C this Thursday. Taking this mini vacation was a finding me and realizing what makes me happy. I also read DR in 1 night. "Focus on yourself and not what your partner is doing"
Bond I have read a lot of your posts since I have been on here. I would say that you do 2x4 but they are more like you drop the house of truth what people need to see to get out of that fog and start working on themselves. Thanks.
Head up- one bit of advice. Before sending ANY text/email or initiating a conversation. WAIT. Pray for strength if you pray. If not ask yourself- am I feeling hurt/needy/angry/depressed right now? Or am I feeling detached/confident/strong? Only then start typing- and before you hit send proof read and ask yoursf if you think that tone came through!
We all backslide as long as we are 'acting' our growth. I agree you have to fake it till you make it, but there will be moments when our heart shines through and will be revealed. Either due to a backslide or being tested.
So make your future communications DB approved and focus on the SOURCE of the backslide. The attachment, the negative emotions. What can you do to grow into the person you're trying to act like?
On my end I'm really starting to realize the R is over and that constantly reevaluating the chances of it coming back again will destroy my own growth and any chance there is in the process. Will I be ok on my own? Am I focused on what I'm greatf for? Am I learning the lessons life is teaching me?
For me and you it may be too late for the R, or it may not be. But it's NEVER too late to start growing up and living the way God intends us to, strong, humble, and grateful for what we have. Anyone that has Internet connection in this world is so far ahead of the historic standards if living, if we can't find peace in what we have a dysfunctional R won't fulfill us.
Rooting for you!
Zues thanks for the advice on the texting. I am going to start doing that with every conversation I have with her. I did that this whole weekend and then I let my insecurity drive the wheel. I know I am stronger than that and I can do it. The hardest part I feel and you all can tell me I am wrong on this but is that you have to fall out of love with you W. And I know that I am going to be fine and there is plans for it but this woman that I am talking to isn't the woman I fell in love with. I know I don't like who she is right now and I feel dooped because if this who she really is and she hide it from me for so long then why are you made at me when I am not being mean? Not sure where I was going with that i just needed to get that off.
It is way too early to give up, regardless of what your W is saying or doing. Give it some time, stay LRT/NC and give your W the space she needs to reflect on everything without you being in the picture.
Your right pilot. It is way to early to give up and God it is hard to do NC and 180's and not ask how she is or if she is ok. I have been reading alot of defensiveness (me all the way) and always having to be right. I want that 23 year old that found my W and was happy and cheerful and laughed all the time and smiled, and had more hair on his head. He is still here I just have kept him locked on a closet thinking that I was doing the right thing and grow up. What I didn't realize was that he was an important part of me and I wasn't doing the right thing. He is coming back slowly but he is showing up at the party now.
She has all 4 of the kids this weekend. She is going to be dropping off our 2 at my house on Friday. I am not looking forward to it because I know she is going to be upset that she has been watching them all week. But if I project that everything is going to be fine and not let her bait me into a conversation that I will back slide and show her that I am caring and I understand that it is hard to watch 4 kids by yourself...would that go against the NC? Help I am lost again and I ran into a wall.
One guide I have been using for what changes I am making is this: if I knew for sure my Stbx wouldn't ever be open to working things out, would I still make this change?
From that lense, there may be changes my wife wanted me to make that I'm only now getting around to. But only if I am doing it because I realize now that I'm wrong and need to grow in those areas to be a better person, period.
I am NOT making changes that don't meet this test. Because that means I'm not really ready to sustain those changes anyway, it wouldn't work or I'd be miserable, and she'll sniff those out anyway and it will looking manipulation and pursuing.
So- how would the person you want to be for YOU handle this encounter? Just do that and detach from her behavior.
Now for years she wanted me to always put the effort in going out and that was my bad for not doing it. Now I have the kids every weekend she has stopped taking the kids out anywhere and I have been. I am planning a trip to the city with the kids next weekend or the following weekend. Should I ask her if she would like to go with us?
Ok. Falling out of love. My two cents: you don't have to stop loving her. You have to stop NEEDING to love her and NEEDING to express your love.
Youre right. You don't know her. You do but don't. Just as you are changing into a different person, so is she. And she has a head start. Be PATIENT. Suppose you just met girl, took her on a date, then asked her to marry you. That is way too fast!!! Well- shes different, youre different. I'm learning that the re-commitment to a dead marriage is just as big a step as going from first date to marriage the first time around.
Personally I'd hold off on the invite and let her take the lead. It may hurt, but you have no idea how differently she may feel than you do right now. You have loving feelings for her and are waitin to fall into each others arms. She is somewhere totally different. Don't pursue as it forces her to back away and not consider what she's missing. Don't trust me, trust everyone else that says that. It's counter intuitive.
Instead, grow to be content with what you have. If god told you you'd never have her in your life again would you choose to be unhappy forever? If the answer is yes then you're putting way too much pressure on the situation, and that's not healthy. Find out why you'd say yes and work on you. If you'd say no, great, appreciate what you have and let it go.
The difference between detaching and giving up is that you continue to work on you, for you. So all those other guys just go get drunk And bang skanks. You are behaving differently then them. That's why you stand more chance of reconciliation. But when you start pursuing, thinking of what you need as opposed to what she needs (space) and why you need it so much (growth), then you're right back with the others that will always wonder why it didn't work out.
Just my opinions and some of this doesn't directly apply, I guess this is what's been on my mind so thought I'd share.
Thanks Zeus I needed that. My W really did give me the best gift of time. I am not sure if we will work out. I am determines to be the best me I can be. With or with out her. I know I will come out stronger one way or another. I haven't said anything to her or shared what I have been feeling since last week. I believe has worked because she now has to wonder what I did this weekend and like I said that is not like me to not tell her. I haven't asked her what she has been doing or who she is hanging out with. I am showing her that I am moving forward and I want to be the best me I can be.
I'm right there with you. Sorry for your pain. Such a heartbreaking situation. Good job for the steps you are taking. You are stronger than you know and if you stay on the road miracles will happen. Who knows which or when. Hang in!
What I need to get better at is just the small daily/weekly goals. Then write them down to see the progress I am or not making.
So I looked at our bank statement and the W has over drawn the account again. Now I am paying the bills and rent at the house so my children have a place to stay. The W doesn't work. I have been told by people to open my own account and give her checks for what she needs for the house and nothing more. I feel doing this is going to infuriate her and make my chances slimmer. But I can't move forward when out of my check I by gas once and that is all the cash I spend while she is out having a good time spending it all over the place. Am I being petty or do I have a point?
Oh god I really want to talk to her right now. Please guys and gals tell me this feeling will pass. I miss talking to her about littlebthings.
I understand completely how you feel. It's hard to have that person that you have shared your most intimate moments with, those little inside jokes, glances, and everything else with for so long not there for those things.
It's at times like these that you may need to find something to distract you from those thoughts and feelings so you don't break down and try to contact her. For me, if I'm not at work, then I do something fun with the kids. If they are asleep, then I work on my personal projects or find a game to play that helps me be involved. Heck, even a movie will do in a pinch.
Just know that as time goes on, it will become easier as you let go of that and work toward doing things to better yourself.
So I am back to readying DB again. Haven't heard anything from W since Sunday. Getting ready for her to drop off my little ones at my house. Nervous about it because I want things to be ok and I know she is going to be upset or short or I dont' even know. Any advice on children hand offs when you are doing a NC?
W text me about me buying a $15 book. I wanted to throw that she blew my whole pay check for going out but I reframed. I thought would me saying this get me closer to my goal. I told her I understand that she was concern about money and I had a 20 on me and I could put it in the bank if she wanted me to. She said thanks and that she wanted to talk about finances on friday when i get paid. I said ok. I didn't argue and I am pretty proud of that. Little step go me.
I was suggested today that I suggest to W that I move back in the house to not separate the family and focus on just the family until the divorce is final. That way we can not both have to be broke as and someone will always be there to watch the kids when she goes out
Head up, be careful That to me would be interpreted as a way to get your foot back in the door, literally. By all means when finances come up you could talk about considering options to minimize your cost of living...but if she doesn't bring that up I wouldn't.
FYI- I'm currently living in my buddy's basement. My DB Coach told me to start working on a place of my own. I had planned on staying with my buddy until the D was final and I had my own income again, but she said it might look like I was just hanging out in limbo hoping she changed her mind and took me back. By getting my own place I demonstrate that I am moving on and understand this is happening enough to commit to a lease, etc.
Now I'm probably 1-2 months away from my own place and you never know, a miracle could occur. But once I see enough progress on the D to start to get a better idea of when it will be finalized and what my future income will look like I will be moving into an apartment. Unless SHE brings up moving back in for ANY reason.
Good luck Head!
Well interesting couple days. She called to the other day because she needed cash for the kids. I stopped by and we talked about M her with OM me with OW. And it didn't bother her that I was with OW. I was hurt by OM but wasn't devistated. I told her I was going to have to move on and lose hope that the relationship w a single going to work out and she said she didn't like that but she wanted her cake and eat it to.
I had to go over yesterday to kkick the people living in my garage. W told me that she wanted us to go to the same C and work on our selves and that we should hold up on the D. So that she knows that she is making the right decision and not an emotional one. I said 5th stupid thing that so we won't be seeing anyone else while we are doing this so we get a clear head and no distra8. She said that she wasn't going to commit to me and that we are single and she thought she saw a change in me. Then she said that if she starts seeing C that we might go to Couples C but that we still might not work.
I feel like a fool saying yes I will be OK with you dating other people so we can go to C and might work it out. I need help
I don't know if I am doing the right thing or if I should not agree to this
You don't have a choice about whether she sees other men or not. That is her choice. You don't control that. You only control you.
Do you want to try to control her and get angry with her lack of commitment and decisions? Or do you want to validate her autonomy and showcase your 180s?
Do you want to get into a rebound relationship for comfort and in an attempt to manipulate her? Or do you want to demonstrate the character and commitment you are looking for in her?
Do you want to be impatient, demanding more that what she's willing to give, and upset with her for not doing more? Or do you want to be detached, grow to love yourself and the life you've been given, appreciative of your chance to grow, empathetic to her pain and confliction, and supportive of the decisions she must make to take care of herself?
Those are your choices. Which man do you want to be? Which gives you the best chance if reconciliation, and the best chance if future happiness should that not be in the cards? No one said this is easy. You fell short in the R. You get to stay on the same road or course correct.
Wishing you strength!
Thanks zeus. Didn't see it until you threw that 2x4 at me. I want to be moving forward for myself and let her see the changes. If she sees them great but I am not the type to go and have 1 nights stands. I am better than that. Comfort with that is only for a little bit than you are back at feeling crappy. I want my change to be set in stone and for me. I can't stop thinking of her with OM. I know that will go away and I am not using that against her. It is hard to though. I haven't I won't because I am better than that and I don't want to hurt her. I will comfort her when she needs comfort and not judge her on things she has done.
On another note, I went to go get the little guy today and I said that I would drop them off Sunday night and I would talk to her then and she said oh we will talk before that. Good sign but not going to get my hopes up.
Question about 180. If she is expecting me to stay around and not go out with other women, wouldn't the opposite be that I go out with women? I am not planning on doing this but it is kinda confusing to me
Well interesting couple days. She called to the other day because she needed cash for the kids. I stopped by and we talked about M her with OM me with OW. And it didn't bother her that I was with OW. I was hurt by OM but wasn't devistated. I told her I was going to have to move on and lose hope that the relationship w a single going to work out and she said she didn't like that but she wanted her cake and eat it to.
Wait a minute, when did OM and OW come on the scene?
OW came when well the 1 time came 5 days after the Death was dropped and her OM came the day after she said she wanted the D
Update so W called to ask to borrow my car because it had gas in it so she can go out of town with her cousin two nights ago. I didn't mind so I let her borrow it. I went the next morning to pick up my step D because I was taking the kids to the amusement park and said I would drop her off with her dad after. W proceed to tell me of her night and what she did after I asked if she had fun. The usual answer is Yes and nothing else. I then got a call that night from her to keep the kids an extra day because she wanted to go to her cousins again and proceeded to tell me about her day and who she hung out with. Again very unusual for recent behavior. Would this be a little change I am seeing or am I making this bigger than it should be? I am keeping up with myself. I am taking a salsa class tomorrow after work something which I have wanted to do for years.
Are you saying 5 days after your W said she wanted a D, you had another woman?
Yeah I did and I regret it because I thought that was what you are supposed to do when you get divorced and it was awful. I felt like crap and was ashamed that I did it. Then I learned of this forum and DB and DR and have been working on myself.
Well news is ah is that the D is on hold and I keep working on myself and watching my children. Told her Last night when I asked her to pick up the kids early on Sunday and after she yelled and said I was upset and starting drama (which I wasnt), that I was tired of her using me and that she is nice to me when she wants something but when I ever ask she says I am upset and starting an argument. She then text some bad things but I am done with her controlling my emotions. I want to talk to her like we use to. She is angry and I have validated her about her anger but I won't be verbally belittled because I ask for fairness in this situation. I miss my wife not this woman. Forward is the only direction I am going and she will be with me or she wont. Thank you all.
Head up- you ever read these anymore?