This is my first post so I apologize in advance if it's a little long. My husband and I have been married for 5 years and together for 8. We have a toddler and up until a few months ago had a good R. The past few months he's turned into a different person. Staying out late, not coming home some nights, having an EA with a coworker, thinking about ending our M. I got DR and have started trying to do a 180 and act as if. I think the EA has recently turned into a PA. This hurts so much. I have set a few general rules for myself and seen some small improvements. My rules are:
- no snooping
- no asking who he's talking to/texting/ e-mailing
- no asking where he's going or how late he'll be
- no texting while he's out to see when he'll be home
- trying to be asleep when he comes home late
- if he stays out all night, I leave the house with our child in the morning and go do something fun for the two of us
- do things I enjoy
- no longer say I love you
- no talking about OW
We still live in the same house and share the same bed (not intimate often though). Some days he will touch my shoulder or give me a hug. He Is admittedly very confused about what he wants right now. I want to set some boundaries but don't feel there is much I can do in terms of his behavior so I've just decided to let go and let him make his choices without my criticism. I hope that he will realize our M is worth it and recommitt. I feel like that is when we'll discuss what is acceptable and not acceptable. It's really hard to stay strong and work on making our friendship good again, but I feel that is what I have to do right now. I don't know how long I can live like this though. A lot of his behaviors make me think he's having an MLC which I know could take a long time to get through. He's 35 so I know it's a possibility. At least for now, I still have faith that we can be saved.
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Two weeks ago, the night before I bought DR and started my 180, I did confront H about OW. I asked him if he thought he was having an EA. He did not and indicated that he felt it was ok because he didn't want to share things with me. I told him that didn't matter since I was his wife and he was giving her something he should be giving to our R. He conceded that he knew it was wrong. I backed off after that and stopped persuing him and talks about our R. Things have started improving since then. He has started spending more time at home and showing me some affection. He even told me he loved me again. I am happy for the progress, but unsure how to act. I don't want to undo the positives. I guess I just need to be patient! H did tell me that he's backed off the EA. He sees OW at work, so that still concerns me. I'm going to do my best to let that go though. We are relocating soon and that will be less of an issue. I'm struggling with limbo.
Heart, I feel for you. I don't have any positive stories of my own to share, but a lot of people here do. They'll give you great advice. Hang in there and begin to take care of YOU.
H is continuing to be softer towards me this week. He's holding my hand and cuddling in bed more. It feels a little bit like a new beginning for us. I hope I can keep working on my own life and not get so wrapped up in us. I struggle with GAL, because I feel like the majority of mine revolves around S2 and my job. Truthfully, that's probably been one of the big problems in our M lately. I feel like H doesn't focus enough on our family and H feels like I don't focus enough on our M. I'm trying to change that.
If my H held my hand I'd be in heaven! There's no physical contact whatsoever, outside of bed.
I struggle with GAL, because I feel like the majority of mine revolves around S2 and my job.
GAL certainly is a struggle of mine. I work all day, take care of 3 kids and a house after that. I'm trying in very small ways to GAL, still working on it. Good luck, Heart!
GAL certainly is a struggle of mine. I work all day, take care of 3 kids and a house after that. I'm trying in very small ways to GAL, still working on it. Good luck, Heart!
I think sometimes starting in small ways is really key. These can be hard changes to make, and easing into them is helpful, particularly when you've got a lot on your plate.
If my H held my hand I'd be in heaven! There's no physical contact whatsoever, outside of bed.
I know I am lucky to be getting back there already. It's still really strange. We used to be so affectionate and then there was nothing. Now it's something, but a little awkward. I almost feel like a kid holding hands for the first time.
I'm struggling with what is real and fake lately. I want to trust H, but I don't completely because of the EA. He received support from OW that he didn't feel he was getting at home. I am trying to listen and acknowledge which I think has helped. I have questions about their relationship, but I don't want to screw things up by asking. He has been adamant that it was not physical. Do I just wait that part out? My fear is that we will put that on a shelf and never deal with it. Does that make sense? I'm probably not being patient enough
I have questions about their relationship, but I don't want to screw things up by asking. He has been adamant that it was not physical. Do I just wait that part out? My fear is that we will put that on a shelf and never deal with it. Does that make sense? I'm probably not being patient enough
I'd suggest taking some time with this to see how you feel, and to really consider what you want to know and if it will actually help you to heal. I've read in a number of places now that often people who are in relationships that have had infidelity think that knowing details will help them, but it often doesn't. And, on top of that, it might be worth considering whether you're in a place to have a reasonable conversation about it right now.
Another approach that i read about was allowing a set period of time - say, a half hour a week maybe - for you to ask all the questions you want. He'll answer them, and then you hug and he tells you he loves you or whatever will make you feel safe and cared for. I'd look this one up first, though, but the idea is that you feel like you can ask what you want to and there's a time for it, and he knows that it will be dealt with in a set period of time, so it's less threatening.
I think what's most important is that he admitted he was wrong and made changes with action, putting effort back into the M.
I don't pretend to understand how hurtful this was to you, and if you read my thread you'll know I'm not one to be dishing out wisdom. My thoughts are though that people make mistakes and do hurtful things. The true test of character is how they move forward in the big picture. I pray you have the strength to get through.
I had the same dynamic in my M with the w frustrated I wasn't involved more with the fam and me frustrated she wasn't putting more into the m. For his same I think you should try figuring out how you can give him more of what he felt he had to find elsewhere. Doesn't excuse it, and you aren't obligated. And you might not be able to meet his every need. But I am tell you just to see you trying to understand, trying to out effort into it...that is powerful.
As for the family part, I've learned that its about balances. That's why we don't pursue. If we do all the R work they don't have to. The same way, if you put everything into the children then he doesn't have to. Once you feel the timing is right I'd ask him directly for what you want, then be very appreciative when he gives it to you. I wish my w had done that. I think us guys are driven more than anything to be appreciated by out wives. It may be he just didn't know how to earn your admiration. So if you tell him "I need help, can you do x (specific task)?" I think you'll get what you want. And it's possible that the feeling of importance and value you show him in return is one of the needs he felt was t being met.
Again, grain of salt. Good job!
Thanks for the advice everyone! Zeus, I definitely agree. He defers to me for pretty much all parenting decisions. I need to start asking for his help which will give him more validation. I've been really working on acknowledging the things he's doing that are helpful. It seems to be making a positive impact.
He defers to me for pretty much all parenting decisions. I need to start asking for his help which will give him more validation. I've been really working on acknowledging the things he's doing that are helpful. It seems to be making a positive impact.
Heart, it's hard when they are little. Often times I see that dads don't really get involved until the children are potty trained and can eat something purchased instead of packed. My H is a great dad now, but his participation was limited when they were 2. But there are certainly some things your H can do, don't be afraid to ask! And don't get hung up if they aren't done your way, he will have his own style.
H retreated back inside himself last night. There is a pattern that keeps happening since this all started. Saturday and Sunday are good. We spend quality time together and have fun. Once the work week starts he begins to pull away a little. This week was the exception to that until yesterday. Fridays he goes for drinks after work with his coworkers. He usually comes home really late and then a few times not all. I used to send texts and ask when he'd be home. I've completely stopped that. He will now text if he's going to be really late or not come home. I know it's a partial win, but it still hurts that he's making that choice. He's usually filled with self loathing afterwards. I know I cannot change his choices and I have to let go. I'm just feeling anxious right now to see how he handles tonight.
Holy rollercoaster! Everything really hit the fan tonight. H told me he's been having a PA for the last 6 months. I suspected deep down, but it's so painful to have it confirmed. He keeps telling me I deserve better and I'll be happier without him. I know this is against DB, but I told him I still thought our M was worth saving as long as he was willing to cut off the R with OW. I can tell he's conflicted still. He wants me to be the one to end our M. He keeps trying to get me to ask him to leave. I keep telling him that if that's what he wants, then he should go. He says he'll be the ahole if that's what I want. I told him what I want is to fight for our marriage. H kept touching me all night and asking me to hug him. It's so conflicting the words and actions. What the heck am I supposed to believe? He was telling me over and over again how sorry he is. He doesn't like himself at all. I almost feel like I need to just let him go and let him figure out his own happiness. I know I can't provide that for him. It's not over til it's over though, right? He wants to talk more in the am. I'm not sure if that's enough time for me to process this.
To make matters even more confusing, he keeps telling me that he loves me and I've given him some of the happiest days of his life. How does that correlate to "we can't come back from here". I told him I don't want to go back. I want to go forward. We shared some laughs tonight, and he goes " we'll still be able to do this, right?" I replied " no, we"ll be friends for D2's sake, but we won't be hanging out one on one." In one breath he"ll say we broke up and in the next he'll say he's not sure we can come back from here. My head is spinning right now. I have no idea how to process this. Thanks for letting me vent. I'm praying for some peace and clarity on both of our parts.
Whoa what a doozy!
I feel for you heart...the confusion is all too familiar. I have yet to confirm if my H is having an EA/PA but I suspect it. Not sure if it would be better not to know.
It's obvious that your H is confused and his behavior reflects this. Currently, he's acting out his emotions and that's confusion. You're brave for wanting to consider saving your M despite that devastating news. But...have you given yourself enough time to process this? I mean really process it? It's still very fresh--for both of you and right now you're both just reacting. In this case two negatives won't equal a positive. So you're both in a very delicate situation and trying to get through this without any professional help (or pastoral) could be detrimental to the M.
Before you can help him sort out his feelings you have to sort out your own. You can't help someone if you're incapacitated. So what are you feeling and what are your thoughts on what he did? Seems to me that you're the one that's in the best place to seek wise counsel. Truly give yourself time to process this new info.
But...have you given yourself enough time to process this? I mean really process it? It's still very fresh--for both of you and right now you're both just reacting. In this case two negatives won't equal a positive. So you're both in a very delicate situation and trying to get through this without any professional help (or pastoral) could be detrimental to the M.
Before you can help him sort out his feelings you have to sort out your own. You can't help someone if you're incapacitated. So what are you feeling and what are your thoughts on what he did? Seems to me that you're the one that's in the best place to seek wise counsel. Truly give yourself time to process this new info.
CMF - I'm definitely still processing and not in the best place to make a decision. I know I have things to focus on to make myself better. I'm angry about what he did/is doing. I know I contributed to the problems in our M, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. He asked me a lot of questions tonight that I couldn't answer:
- what do you think I need to be happy?
-when will I stop feeling guilty about what I've done?
-how do we quantify getting trust back?
I answered some of the last one. Although he didn't think they were measurable answers (more affection- holding hands, cuddling, phone calls to see how our days are going, etc.). The other two I told him he needed to answer for himself.
Unfortunately, my C is on vacation right now. I'll discuss with her when she gets back. H had his own IC this week. Hopefully that will help him. I can see the turmoil he's going through and I've been praying that he finds his own peace, happiness and healing. I do know I'll be fine if our M doesn't survive. I have always been a happy person and even though there is pain I know I've been blessed in this life. I'm eternally grateful for that.
I'm so sorry for your ordeal Heart. Thank you for caring so much for your marriage and working so hard to find the right responses.
Remember- grain of salt with me, I'm only participating to try to give back for the help I've been getting. But I'll shed some light on why I've done similarly destructive things in my R.
For me it was fear of abandonment. I didn't love myself and still struggle. I felt that when they say God loves everyone they meant everyone but me. I felt that no one could ever possibly get to know who I really was and still love me. All in all, I felt unlovable.
But deep down I hoped I was wrong. And I hoped that my W could be the one to love me. This lead to disaster, because she could never fill the void in my heart. Beyond that, it leads to a counter-intuitive situation. You'd think with a fear of abandonment that I would be my best self at all times to avoid risk. But I did the opposite.
See- look at it like this. My W and I were tied together by a rope of love. My deepest fear was that it would break. You'd think I'd try to avoid putting tension on that rope. But instead I did the opposite, tugging and tugging to try to test the rope's strength. It's almost like I had to know that 'no matter how hard I tug the rope will hold us together'.
This played out by me being at my worst, not my best. I needed constant assurance that even when I was demanding, controlling, angry, and critical, that she would still love me. I felt that if I was on my 'best behavior' and she loved me that I would be acting, and not loved for my real self which was loathsome. And that someday I'd slip and she'd wake up and leave me. So I made sure I was at my worst figuring if she'd put up with that then I knew I'd be safe.
The problem was she didn't. She kicked me out. I can't tell you the pain in my words as I type this, the futility and stupidity of my behavior is almost impossible to live with. I looked back today at the last 3 years of my life and see how little of the love I have for my W I allowed to shine through. The irony is I love her SO much, but ended up burying it under my fears and insecurities. I'm so sorry but it looks like it's too late.
I don't know if this applies to your H, but I see a bit of him in me. And I don't know how to handle it. For my W I can tell you that leaving did the trick. It snapped me out of it big time. It made me grow up. It made me realize the twisted game I was playing wasn't acceptable, and that while she loved me she couldn't dance that dance for her life. Now that I've seen that the rope can be broken I've woken up and no longer care that it's breakable, or that she can't be with me at my worst. Now I just want a chance to be at my best and show her that wasn't the person I can be.
So I'm not telling you to leave him, give him ultimatums, PLEASE don't take advice from me. But if any of this resonates take it. And maybe showing that the rope is breakable would put him in a spot to decide how he wants to move forward, because until then he may just spiral further down the self loathing drain. But if he truly loves you I would hope he makes the changes I am trying to make. And I hope that you would give him the chance I so wish for.
Take care Heart and thanks for sharing and caring for your H.
H and I had some good conversation about our R and the OW. I was emotional all morning, but not in front of him really. We went for a walk and talked about a lot of things. I told him if he needed some time away to find himself and what he wanted that he should do that. Since the PA was brought out in the open, I decided to address it with him. He agreed that what he's doing is a betrayal and it's not ok. I told him he had to cut off all contact with OW and be open and honest with me if they talk for any reason. I also told him I have questions, but I haven't decided if it's healthy for me to know details or not. He asked me what I wanted to know and did answer the few questions I asked. I told him if he decided to continue with OW he needed to leave because he cannot have us both. He agreed with that as well.
We discussed the reasons he started the R with OW. Those are essentially that he didn't feel support or appreciation from me. I agreed that I didn't do enough to show him those things and that I was working on changing those things. I'm struggling with how to show them and DB. I'm just trying to thank him for things I appreciate him doing and really listen when he's talking to me. I sti have work to do. I'm making progress though.
We talked about coming back from this and being stronger. He agrees that we can if we both want that. He wants to think about it for a bit. I told him I understood and would give him time. We also agreed that if we separate it does not need to be a fast track to D. We can take some time for ourselves and re-evaluate.
It's hard realizing this may be the end. I hope it's not. That's not up to me though. He is in a really low place self esteem wise. He keeps telling me he's just a bad person at the core. I know that's not true. Unfortunately, he's the one that needs to see that for himself.
I am working on GAL - I'm going to a funny movie with a friend while H watches S2. I could use a few laughs 😀. I'm also thinking about taking up tennis again. I used to enjoy playing for fun.
Heart, I have skimmed over your story, and I think you are actually in a relatively decent position. Your H may actually really want to work this out but is afraid he F'ed up to much and cannot see how you would ever forgive him. But Zues is right, you HAVE to step back from him so he can really see what life would be like without you. Right now, he has OW and you as plan B. You need to always be a Plan A person. I know you want to work your M out. We all do. But if he gets to put you both side by side, and he gets to pick one of you while you both are screaming 'pick me pick me' that will not be good for you in the long run. He has to truly fear losing you. And it sounds like he might already fear losing you. But detach, and step back. Work on your 180s, and work on GAL. Let him see you as the happy person who is going to be fine with our without him. Go out, have fun with your girlfriends, and be that fun awesome person he fell in love with in the first place. MAKE him want you and only you again. Believe me, when he sees you happy with a PMA, he will be confused. When he sees you going out and GAL and spending time with friends (maybe even doing new things) it will make him wonder what you are doing. Be mysterious. This stuff works.
Keep posting and others will chime in with advice as well.
Best of luck!
Thank you Zeus and Pilot for the insight.
Your H may actually really want to work this out but is afraid he F'ed up to much and cannot see how you would ever forgive him. But Zues is right, you HAVE to step back from him so he can really see what life would be like without you.
I do believe this is true. When H and I discussed working on our M, he conceded that we could probably make a better M and life together. He just didn't think I could ever truly forgive him for what he's done. I had told him previously that cheating was a deal breaker for me. This was before I was actually in the situation and realized that the A is partially a result of things that were missing in our M. It doesn't excuse the choice, but I don't feel like it means we have to be done either.
I am struggling with detaching while we share the same home and sleep next to each other every night. It's easier during the work week because now I don't typically text or call during the day unless it's about S2. I told him I'd give him some time to think about whether he wanted to move out for awhile. Since I did that, it seems like I should just completely back off and stick to doing my own thing at night. Does anyone have any actionable suggestions for detaching without being S?
My mom is seeing a lot of the negative choices H is making right now. I've told her that while I don't agree with what he's doing, I'm committed to fighting for our M and making it stronger in the end. She says she supports what makes me happy, but I don't really feel that in her conversations/actions. She flat out told me she didn't think H loved me anymore. That hurt. I told her it wasn't our place to judge him for his actions and that he's the one responsible for owning them.
I did see a movie last night. It was funny and I was grateful for the laughs. H met me at the door when I got home and asked if I like it. That was nice.
heart, your story resonates with me, I completely understand your fears, and I also know how hard it is with a little one(try 3 yr old twin boys!) hang in there, your h sounds conflicted and confused but it sounds positive too, he is willing to talk to you, and you are communicating with each other, that's pretty big. my h also said to me that he didn't think we could come back from this(his a-still don't know if it was a pa with s, or an ea) I wish I had of found this forum a lot sooner, a lot of the damage that I caused wouldn't have happened, you are in a great place here, big hugs
Thanks, Watto. I can see the positives too.
I'm having a hard time today. I feel overwhelmed by this weekends revalations. I know we don't need to make any rash decisions. A part of me wants to say cut it all off with OW or get out of the house though. Technically, I already said that, but I told him I'd give him a little time to figure it out. How long do I wait before addressing it again?
I know there are no fast fixes for this situation and I truly do want to make it better. I will work on acknowledging his positive actions and listening when he engages me in conversation. Other than that, I think I can only focus on things that make me smile and take time to enjoy my life. Some days the pain is just consuming. I need to really work on stopping those negative emotions. I don't want them to drain my happiness.
Heart - you sound AMAZING. Seriously - you have amazing strength. You go girl.
You are miles ahead of where I was at this stage. MILES. Hang in there and keep making your awesome choices!
I had a really hard time sleeping last night. I could not seem to shut my brain off. I'd like some advice on separating. I'm thinking that if H stays out late Friday and/or doesn't come home, I'm going to ask him to leave for awhile. This is going to be painful and I know it's risky. He may not come back. I fear if I don't do it that he'll keep stringing both of us along. I'm certainly not okay with that for the rest of my life. He's traveling some this week, so my plan is to not email, text or call except in response to his. When he does, I'll keep mine pleasant, but brief. Hopefully I'm strong enough to do this.
Thoughts on whether this is a good plan or not?
I know how hard it is when your mind won't switch off especially at night, I've taken to wandering the house like a crazy cat lady some night lol, and the nights when the boys aren't here and relaxation mp3s don't work, I get up, make myself a cup of tea, get on here, or do some laundry, there is no point, in my mind, lying in bed, with my mind spinning.
just thinking about you possibly asking your h to move out if he stays out all night Friday, give yourself some time to really think about this, you said your h is travelling a bit this week, give yourself the time while he's not there, to solidify your thoughts. I completely agree that he can't keep both you going while he decides, and I know how awful it feels, just try to make a decision that won't cause you to backpedal. I know that sounds vague, but I, effectively gave my h an ultimatum and it backfired, and it really kills me.
big big hugs, feeling your pain...
MLP, thanks for the confidence boost. I often feel like I have no idea what the right move is. I do try and think about whether my comments will help or hurt before saying them though.
Thanks for the positive thoughts Watto! I don't want to regret it either. I will definitely think about it more while he's gone. I fear that he won't or can't make a decision while he's still in the house. I don't want to give him an ultimatum. I do want to give him the opportunity to realize what he's losing.
Heart -
I totally understand what you are saying about separating. I wonder about it myself, and it sounds like it's something that can work. We haven't done it. I really wonder if I should have done it months ago....
But - I also think that you have time to decide. If he's traveling, you can use that time to decide as well.
Good luck.
I agree, there is time to decide. I could always ask him to sleep on the couch if Friday is bad. He is traveling most of next week too. I could even give myself that time. I have such conflicting emotions in my head right now. I want to detach more and see if things improve. I guess the next two weeks give me that. Back to reading DR and trying to focus on my solutions instead of these problems.
It's crazy how my feelings are shifting today. I talked to some friends who've also dealt with A's in their M. It was nice to get validation that it's ok not to give up yet. I want to keep standing until I feel that I've done everything I can.
Putting S2 to bed tonight, I was reminded of how much I have to be thankful for. We were reading a book that mentioned a kiss; he hopped out of his chair and said "I give mama kiss" and then proceeded to kiss both my cheeks. That little man melts my heart.
H is out of town so we've texted a few times. Nothing special. Mostly just enjoying catching up on relaxing and journaling tonight. Heading to bed with a very positive outlook this evening. Small steps!
Most of the people that say cheating is a dealbreaker dont know what they are talking about. It all changes when they have to deal with it.
No one should look down on you for standing for your M. You are taking the narrow path, where some would give up, you are not. I for one believe that there is no reason to not give it another chance. The only thing you lose is a little time. Keep doing what youre doing. You have a whole community of people behind you on this!
Heart, be strong. Remember, it won't be like this forever. You MAY indeed have to change something prior to him changing something, but that doesn't have to be the end. Maybe start small (different rooms at night) then I that doesn't work a separation or something. But it might be good to tell him- "its not that we can't come back from here, it's that we can't go on as we have. We both need more space to decide what to do from here." Let him know that if separate rooms doesn't give that space a more formal separation may be needed.
What's good about this is you communicate the severity of the situation without making him feel its too late. Retread chapter 1 of DR, if he gets the message like I did he may be willing to do backflips to change. But you take incrementally small steps away slowly so there are no ultimatums or emotional decisions.
I dunno, I'm the LBS so again, grain of salt. But know we admire you for your strength and commitment and believe you will have a fulfilled future no matter what!!!
Vets, any feedback on my brainstorm?
Thanks for the support, Ben! This forum had really helped me so far.
But it might be good to tell him- "its not that we can't come back from here, it's that we can't go on as we have. We both need more space to decide what to do from here." Let him know that if separate rooms doesn't give that space a more formal separation maybe needed.
I like this idea Zues. It allows me to change the situation without completely ending things. When we've had R talks I always say that I think we can move forward stronger. He sometimes asks me randomly for confirmation that I still feel that and thanks me for not giving up. So confusing!
I'm struggling today. H texted quite a bit during the day yesterday, but didn't call or text at night. I miss the closeness we used to have.
He did text again this morning to check on a few things and wished me luck with a job opportunity I have. That included a few question about my thoughts on the job which I appreciated. He also conveyed that he's still struggling with a job decision of his own. I responded that I was sorry and I'm sure it's a very challenging situation for him. I wanted to say I was here if he needed to talk, but I kept it to myself. I don't want to push!
My mantra for this morning: I can't fix or decide things for him. I can only show support and validate his feelings.
I am relocating in the next few months and I don't yet know whether H is going to move with us or not. Originally he was, but now he seems unsure. The unknown is so hard. I'm going to continue working on giving him space to decide what he wants from life. This is a road he had to walk mostly alone. Because I love him, I need to respect that. Easier said than done, I know.
Heart -
I know all too well how hard this is for you. Hang in there. The uncertain future is terrifying but it may help to remember that the future is ALWAYS uncertain....
I'm kind of jealous that you have friends to talk to about dealing with A in marriage. I'm so glad for this space, but it would be nice to have a face to face with a friend about these things. The only A stories I hear are at the hair salon where the woman leaves and takes H's money. (sigh)
I need some advice. DR clearly says no asking about OW. The affair has been out in the open for a short time and H hasn't clearly stated that he has cut off contact. Since I told him I'd give him time, I have not brought it up. He has a company function out of town that he was originally undecided on but has now decided to attend. It requires him to travel tonight. Since Fridays are usually the bad night, I'm having some anxiety around whether OW is going with him. I have not asked. Should I bring this up or just let it be for the moment? A part of me feels like I should act like I'm comepletely fine and not even curious.
His actions have been more forthcoming and affectionate over the last day. He initiated talking on the phone during the day a few time yesterday. That hasn't happened in months. He also complimented me and has been referring to things in terms of "us" and "we". Even gave me an extra long hug and kiss this morning. The actions seem to say he's trying. Maybe I'm just reading too much into things though.
Similar boat. H is going back to OW city for the first time since May next week. Already have the sick feeling. We had always talked about this before. Trying to hold my tongue this time.
Was just telling him one of the plans that the s and I have for next week in his absence, to which he gave me a sad face emoticon.
GAL....yes--I do have one in your absence!
Like you, things have felt different. We laughed together this morning. Really laughed. It was nice. It feels like I can still be his friend, however this whole mess ends up. I kind of had forgotten that I like him!
I guess bite your tongue if you can? Man, I am hardly the person to give advice. Just hugs.
Ha, MLP! I'm glad he's seeing that you are GAL. I can relate to a lot of your thread. I don't want H to walk away, but I don't want to live with OW in the picture forever. It's so hard to figure out how to set appropriate boundaries. Grr..
In some of the R talks H and I have had, he's commented on my changes and will say that he'll be so mad if they aren't real. I tell him I've been making them for myself. That is true. I'm not sure if I should be acknowledging it though.
If you figure it out, Heart14, I'll be paying attention!!!
It's been an interesting few days. I was not sure whether to bring up OW or not when H returned home from traveling. It turned out that I didn't have to initiate that conversation. He asked if he could take me on a date when he got back. I accepted and we decided to go to dinner. On the way he asked me to close my eyes and surprised me with a very thoughtful gift. He became emotional and apologized for all the hard times we've been having. He told me he wanted to recommit to our marriage and enjoy our life together again. He stated that he has broken off contact with the OW and blocked her number in his phone. I told him I need transparency and he has to tell me if they have any contact. He has agreed to those terms and showed me his phone so I could see with my own eyes that he had blocked everything.
I don't know if this stage is considered piecing or reconciling. Vets, any thoughts?
I certainly don't completely trust him yet, but I can see the effort he's putting in to ease my mind. He's calling more just to check in and is even telling me who he's emailing or texting without me asking. I'm cautiously optimistic.
I feel like this could still be a long road. I don't want to backslide from the changes I've made. I need to continue finding time to enjoy my own hobbies and spend time with friends. We were much happier as a couple when we both used to do that.
Congratulations. This is definitely a good step, but you are smart to approach it cautiously. I will let the vets be the one to give advice. I just wanted to drop in with support
More congratulations. No advice. Just happy for you!
Heart, very happy for you. Hope the good changes continue!
Thanks, rppfl! Things continue to improve here. We've had some really tough, awkward conversations about the A and the breakdown in our marriage. They have been calm and helped us both to feel more secure in our decision to keep fighting for our M.
I hate to admit this, but I did break my snooping rule. I don't fully trust yet, so I've double checked that things are still blocked on his phone. They are, thank goodness! He's also blocked a coworker who I consider to be "not a friend" of our marriage. I told him it was important to me and he followed through. At this point, I'm really thankful for the positive progress we are making.
In one of my more insecure moments , I asked why he came clean and his response was that he could no longer live with the guilt. He expected me to throw him out and not look back. I guess my response really did surprise him.
There really can be hope if you focus on fixing yourself and becoming a confident person your spouse wants to share their life with. Keep up the DB everyone. It really works!
I think if you're at this stage it isn't snooping....Just my .02 from all I've read about recovery from infidelity. You've set a boundary and you want to make sure he's keeping it. You looking is probably helping him, too.
It's just like having teenagers! LOL!
Well, it was a major step back tonight. H has been great the last couple of weeks. Really putting effort into our R and making sure he was checking in regularly. Fridays have been our bad day over the course of the last 6 months though. Today was the first one he'd been home for since he admitted the A and decided to work on our M. He reverted back to being distant and I could sense that something was up.
He told me he was out for drinks with a few buddies. That was true, but he omitted that his female coworker was also with them. Since I had a feeling something was up, I checked his email and found correspondence today between them that indicated she was the OW. I forwarded it to my email so he couldn't deny it. He lied about her identity when he disclosed the A a few weeks ago.
This is not DB approved, but I could not bury my head in the sand. I decided to go to where he was for confirmation. I stopped by the bar and OW was there with him and a few other coworkers. She was the only woman. He actually asked me if I wanted to have a drink. I wanted to ask him if he was delusional, but instead I calmly I asked if I could talk to him in private for a minute. I stated that I knew he had lied. I showed him the email and told him that I was not willing to have an open marriage. I also told him that I would no longer keep quiet if I thought he was doing something detrimental to our R.I told him that he had two choices:
1. Cut off all contact with OW outside of required work things and be completely transparent/honest with me.
2. Pack his stuff and go.
We agreed we were not going to solve the issue in that setting, so we parted ways and he said he'd see me at home.
After putting S2 to bed, he asked if we could talk. He admitted (not that he could deny it) that he'd lied about the OW. He said he'd been trying to break things off with OW for the last month, which was consistent with what I'd read in the emails. I'm still beyond pissed that he lied. Especially, since I was fairly certain they had something going on and he tried to downplay it as just inappropriate talk.
Maybe I'm crazy for still wanting to save our M. I'm trying to think of what actions I need to see from him in order to rebuild trust. He now knows I will look if I think he's being less than transparent. He made the comment that I've become quite the sleuth. This may be mind reading, but he actually seemed impressed that I was holding him accountable.
He also commented on how much I'd been focusing on self improvement. His opinion is that it's unnecessary because I'm already a good person. I appreciate that he thinks that. On the other hand, I don't need his words to validate me. I already know I'm a good person and I deserve respect; not the hot and cold treatment he's been giving me the past 6 months.
It's weird, I've barely shed a tear over the betrayal. H commented that OW left the bar in tears because he told her that he was done and she needed to leave him alone. He then said "You probably left in tears, too." No, I did not. I left angry.
Heavy, heavy, thoughts on my mind tonight. It appears we both want to work on our M. Only time will tell if he's actually sincere, I guess. Thank the lord I have IC this week. I need to talk this through with a neutral party.
It's been quite awhile since I've posted. I need to unleash some feelings from the past month. Overall, things have drastically improved. H has really been trying to show me that he's committed to our M with actions and words. During the A, H showed me very little affection and was mostly cold and distant. I'm happy to report that is, for the most part, no longer the case.
Unfortunately, H did have a relapse in terms of communicating with the OW last week. I found the emails and confronted him about it. He was having a rough time dealing with his parents and used her as a sounding board. He told me he did it because he wanted an opinion from someone not connected to his family. The other topics were about her moving on and starting to date someone, which is good news. They did make comments about missing each other and wanting to stay friends though. I told him that in general it is good to have friends outside our M, but that OW is no longer an acceptable friend, if he is going to stay in our M, since their R crossed the line. He agreed and sent her a NC email stating that he is committed to me and our M and cannot have any interactions with her except for those relating to work. He also deleted the email account they used for correspondence in front of me, to reassure me that it was over.
I feel like I'm back in crazy, obsessive mode now. We were doing so well moving forward. I obviously know he cares about her and that he had strong feelings which will take awhile to completely go away. I told him the other night that I sometimes feel that he cares more about OW's feeling than he does mine. He told me that was not true, but he understood why I have felt that way. In fairness to him, he has been apologizing and taking full responsibility for his actions. He also told me he'd start briefing me every day after work on any interactions they have, regardless of what they are about.
The hardest part is realizing that he'd still rather confide in her than me. He told me that even though I've been much more supportive he's still struggling with letting me in at times. I am really trying to focus on just listening and validating what he does say. In some ways, he's been telling me a lot, but I know he's still holding back in other ways. I sometimes worry that he stayed only because things got so out of his control. He has told me that he considered leaving me, which was no surprise. He said he also considered leaving OW either way. So I guess, in a weird way, that makes me feel a little better.
He did suggest we start MC when we move in a few weeks. I know there are a lot of positive signs and I need to focus on those. He is showing affection, being accountable for where he is, taking a more active roll with our child, apologizing for being selfish and causing me pain, and talking about our future. This is a journey and I cannot expect it to be fixed overnight. Patience, patience, patience.