Hello ladies & gents I can see that here in the Uk we are not unique in walking this path.
Just some background my wife & I are both mid forties & we have two children living at home, daughter 22 & son 14. Although me & the wife have been together 23 years we only married 18 months ago!
About 3 months ago I was given the I love you but bomb shell, having been together for 23 years you can imagine I was knocked on my butt by this news & I readily admit my initial reactions probably made the whole situation a great deal worse, quickly turning from I love you but to she's gotta get out of our relationship. I did all the wrong things crying, pleading, guilt etc etc. before I got to the point that I think I was just about to have a meltdown... So I got myself an appointment with a therapist & started reading anything relevant I could find on the subject of marriage problems. The therapist has helped me find calm & I have ceased all the crazy stuff I was doing that was pushing my wife further away, I've given her space & i haven't spoken about us so often & I have just tried to be the best father & husband I can be.
If I'm honest I know I have my faults the main one being how I spoke to my wife & kids occasionally but I have never been aggressive or violent. I think the recent recession took its toll on us with money troubles adding to an already difficult situation with my wife who doesn't do conflict due to physical abuse from her father as a child just bottling up her emotions, so any issues in our relationship just get brushed under the carpet which clearly has led to a great deal of resentment.
My close friends & family have really rallied around me & given me the strength to keep fighting but I fear for my wife because she doesn't have that kind of network, her mother in spite of my trying to get her help has not really got involved & my wife doesn't have any close friends because she always keeps people at arms length, (yes she clearly has trust issues).
So as things stand today I have ordered the DR & await delivery but as well as seeking a bit of support here I have continued my therapy sessions, I guess I want to ask what else should I do? my wife's recent attitude has softened from I want to be on my own to I don't know what I want! so I'm taking that as a positive, we go on a family vacation in a few weeks which could be a big relief or a complete disaster.
But other than keep working on myself, (I have taken a few what I think you guys describe as 180's) & visiting my therapist are there any other strategies that may help to win back my wife?
thanks for being there.
I read the 37 rules & laughed out loud as I had broken nearly every one of them, fortunately though I have been keeping a kind of diary come letter to my wife (that I have no intention of ever showing her), where I write down all the questions, logic & reasoning etc that pop into my head throughout the day. So she isn't aware of most of them, although in those first few weeks I did my best to completely alienate my wife & wreck any chance of reconciliation.
Since I backed off calm has descended on our home & we seem to be getting along ok, although on the rare occasion 'us' gets mentioned she is still extremely negative. It seems she only has recall of anything negative about me & our relationship.
I should add that she was waw 3 years ago when I came home early from work one day to find her moving the last of her stuff out to a house she had rented around the corner, after a great deal of soul searching & lengthy conversations she decided to stay & work on things. I knew I had issues to address on myself & proceeded to implement change... sadly the changes I made appear not to be the ones she needed. Its hard when your partner doesn't tell you what the issues are for her!
So here we are again & I think I know what the real issues are this time & they are all things that I can & should feel happy to address, If I'm honest I don't think I really committed to our relationship for many years & I believe that was what she really needed after having such a difficult adolescence.
I have made a huge effort in recent months to change & connect with my kids & I have to say my relationship particularly with my son recently gives me renewed strength.
I have also taken control of our finances instead of burying my head in the sand & already things are much improved, I have an appointment with our bank tomorrow & hope to consolidate some debt to manageable terms.
Its great to find a haven such as this where you can let off steam & read other peoples story, hopefully I will learn from others mistakes. Just wish I had known about this 3 years ago!
Keep thinking of relevant things to add on a regular basis.
Wife had cancer scare early 2014 which I think was the catalyst for her change of heart, at the time I was real scared & wanted to be with her during the hospital appts but she told me no, I shouldn't take time off work etc. & it really hurt me that she didn't want me there but I didn't read anything into it! Should have seen red flags but again she bottled her feelings.
In the last few days I've found out D22 has decided to move out, I fear this is due to the situation, she is very unhappy with her mom at the moment. I am probably guilty of getting her too involved during early stages of this crisis but I wanted my wife to understand this affects everyone in our family not just her. I have stopped recruiting now but D doesn't feel much love towards mom at the moment. I have explained to daughter that my behaviour has caused W to behave the way she is & she needs to be understanding to mom.
Wife has made numerous comments about feeling down or depressed in recent weeks so I suggested therapy as it was a big help to me but she bit my head off & doesn't want to discuss it with anyone else.
Welcome to the board
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she says and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Just wondered if any of the vets could give advice about detaching?
I had I thought started to get the hang of detaching but in recent days find myself feeling angry & a little bitter.. something along the lines of how the f*** could she do this stuff? I know I have made my fair share of mistakes but never have I intentionally hurt her!
Is this a normal part of detaching? I keep wondering if she does want to R is that really what I want now, can I live with someone who at each & every disappointment in life wants to run away without trying to work on things first.
I can well imagine how devasted you must have been after being together for decades before marriage and then the "I love you but..bomb". However, I am glad you did research and found a good therapist to help you approach your wife with a more pro-active, positive approach. Now, I urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting Coach. Our coaches specialize in helping save marriages and keeping families together. Call me to discuss our Coaching Program 303-444-7004
Well I'm more convinced than ever that w is now having mlc, she came home absolutely wasted last night from a quiz night with her gym buddies. She could barely stand when she came to the door & the poor guy that brought her home looked pretty embarrassed by her condition!
So I had to do the whole sick bowl sentry duty & make sure she got into bed safely after helping her to the toilet.
Its like having another teenager in the house.... where has my wife gone?
Well my copy of the DR arrived today & not a day too soon because I've been having serious mis-givings in recent days.
So the hard work starts here, I shall bury myself in it for the next 48 hours but I don't think it wise to take it on the family vacation with me! can anyone recommend any must read chapters? otherwise I shall digest as much as I can until tomorrow night then finish it when I come home.
Just what do you need to do to get your thread to the first page, doesn't seem that anyone's read mine yet!
Its like having another teenager in the house.... where has my wife gone?
YUP - teenage is part of the possible MLC scipt.
For DETACH I suggest
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post50956also you can google it and see what comes up.
Keep posting
Thanks for that reference Cadet, I will read through it to see what I can implement to my own sitch, I guess my bad days result in me questioning 'is she worth the effort'?
Hi Chip,
I'm sorry you find yourself here, but there is a lot of good information here. :-)
(yes she clearly has trust issues).
...So here we are again & I think I know what the real issues are this time & they are all things that I can & should feel happy to address, If I'm honest I don't think I really committed to our relationship for many years & I believe that was what she really needed after having such a difficult adolescence.)
Then, speaking from experience, it will take her a long time to trust any changes you make. Be patient, not pushy.
'is she worth the effort'?
You were with her for 23 years. Is she worth it? It's not easy work.
I wish you the best of luck on your journey.
Can you fill us in on more of your M history? Any conflicts? Be honest.
Why did it take you so long to marry?
Sorry to hijack but Mr. Bond, but where is the rest of your story?
You won't find it CSann00.
He has never updated it since 2010. Lots of large unexplained gaps.
In April of 2012 he told a poster they were still separated,
then 2 weeks later on the same thread he said they were reconciled. If you ask him he either doesn't answer you or tries to turn it around and sort of goes into attack mode. He did that to me when I asked. Called me a punk and told me "if" I would read his threads I would find that he has told his story. However, I actually have read every single post he has entered and it just isn't in here. Just small bits and nuggets that you can't make sense of what the real truth is.
He has been asked numerous times in the posts I have read where his story is.
He has promised a couple of times he would update it but hasn't. Quite frankly, from what I have read, I don't personally believe he is really reconciled. At best it looks like he spends some time with her and his kids on some holidays and weekends.
It looks like he wants posters to think he has because he gives tons of advice on here and it would look better if we believed he reconciled.
I am still on moderation, but have wanted to feel comfortable on here before posting things about myself. I noticed his posts and was curious about his situation and asked him about it and told him it seemed to me he wasn't sharing the whole truth, but he didn't seem to like that much and of course, now it is my fault because I didn't ask him properly.
Good luck
My story is all over the place. I ended up helping so many people that I stopped creating my own post awhile ago. I usually just tell my story to those who ask. The last time was last week in mdu's thread I believe.
CSan00...
Just wanted to note that I wrote my post to you (that is right before MrBond's reply to you), but his actually posted before mine on this thread because I am in moderation and it takes a day or so to show up......
Thanks. Just wanted to clarify.
JCred,
Wow, I go on vacation with my W for a week, and it seems I missed alot.
"xI am still on moderation, but have wanted to feel comfortable on here before posting things about myself. I noticed his posts and was curious about his situation and asked him about it and told him it seemed to me he wasn't sharing the whole truth, but he didn't seem to like that much and of course, now it is my fault because I didn't ask him properly."
Actually I didn't respond to you because you were being a douche. Try asking nicely about someone's story and stop accusing them of things that aren't true.
In fact, I don't believe that you don't post because you haven't felt "safe" on these forums. You seem to be the one who is a troll just looking to spark trouble.
If YOU want to look for my story, go and look for it on other people's posts. Do the work instead of being making a name for yourself. I have many vets on here that can vouch for me.
Bottom line is that I saved my M while yours is sinking. Kind of says alot about you.
Ok thanks for the feedback guys & gals.
I think I may have been reluctant to fully commit to my partner over the years, as someone points out we were together 20 years before we married in spite her wanting to get married to me, also when we finally married I have never worn my wedding band (in part due to my not wearing jewellery) I often wonder if this is a symptom of my feeling resentment due to our early relationship, my wife fell pregnant just a month after we met & a part of me has always wondered if she did it on purpose to get away from her father? I was a guy of 22 having a blast with plans to travel the world & I suppose I blamed her for holding me back due to me doing the responsible thing & sticking around. Now don't get me wrong I don't know if this is at the root of my feeling as its not something I've delved into too much just yet.
As far as our relationship is concerned we have been pretty solid until 3 years ago when things took off in a bad way, I realised I needed to change & implemented those changes to steady the ship but it appears the changes I made were the wrong ones! Its hard to know which route to follow when your partner doesn't give you any direction... I know at times I can get pretty intolerable with an angry streak that I don't like in myself but this would only result in some shouting & cursing to get things off my chest then that's it, no threats or violence or sulking etc.. this is something I have been discussing with a therapist, so I hope it will not happen again? But there has been no infidelity that I know of & the only other thing she has suggested she's been unhappy with is how I left her to raise the kids & run the house while I just provided an income which is fair enough, I guess I've had an old fashioned approach to our relationship & haven't been emotionally attached with her & the kids, I deeply regret this aspect & have been working overtime in recent months to try to correct that because I do love my family deeply.
I am pretty confused at the moment, we just got back from a family vacation to Cuba that was booked up before this whole mess took hold & I guess I gave myself a lot of pressure about how things worked out on the vacation deciding one way or the other what would happen with our relationship. We really only kept the booking for the sake of our s15 who was really looking forward to his holiday, but little has changed between the wife & I with her still being very frosty towards me & absolutely no closeness between us! I took a couple of backslides on the vacation because it seemed a good opportunity to talk while walking on the beach etc!
The thing I still struggle with is that quite often she will almost forget herself & start to talk about things we'll do together in the future but if I challenge her feelings about me she will simply say 'I don't know'. So it seems there are still doubts in her mind? trouble is the longer this goes on the more I wonder if I can keep up the hard work? I know I need to change but I wonder if she can change & if she doesn't/can't do I want to be with her?
well things have taken a nose dive recently, after returning from our family holiday I couldn't help feeling that my wife was coming up with yet more excuses for us to not discuss 'us' so I pushed her & got what I deserved I guess? with her now telling me that we should seek legal advice re separation & sit our son down to discuss our family breaking up...
In some ways I feel that I want this pain to finish but I'm dreading having that conversation with my boy, I know it's going to hit him hard & I cant bear to think of living apart from him.
I am finding it hard to summon the strength to keep fighting at the moment, how do you fight someone so determined that she doesn't want to be with me?
"I couldn't help feeling that my wife was coming up with yet more excuses for us to not discuss 'us' so I pushed her & got what I deserved I guess?"
Did you finish reading DR?
One of the first rules is to not talk about the R. You shouldn't have tried to bring it up.
So I have been reading the DR again & realise I've made some serious backslides in recent weeks & have been pursuing & doing the whole cheeseless tunnel thing.
my wife & daughter returned from a few days away yesterday & I apologised for giving her a hard time previously & we had an amicable conversation, mainly about my daughters bad attitude which she mainly attributes to me.... which I would agree with to some extent!
I find it difficult to keep my emotions in check & at the smallest signs expect to see big change, I realise this is not helping me but I guess I feel desperate.
No I realise that MrBond I guess I put too much emphasis on the holiday being a make or break scenario... I can see this was a serious error of judgement & I feel bitterly disappointed because there had been some tiny improvements between us in the weeks before.
I think I have to refocus & work a little harder but I keep seeing big hazard signs approaching such as appointments with lawyers & discussion with son being arranged. These put me in a panic I suppose? & I clearly don't work so well under intense pressure?
Well I think my wife really has lost the plot, today we were discussing (at her instigation I should add) some of the changes that I've implemented & one of the biggest 180's I have made is in relation to my children. I am not afraid to admit I have not been emotionally involved in my children as much as I should have been & I have probably missed out on a great deal with them as a result.
My wife was at pains before to point this out to me & it was something she wished would have been different, so I have been taking an interest in them & what thyre doing, spending a great deal more time with them particularly my s15 because my d22 isn't around as often & guess what my wife is now suspicious of my motives & feels I'm trying to turn the kids against her!
when she said that you could have knocked me down with a feather & I felt like saying 'no your doing a good job of that on your own' but I didn't get into anything negative & just stated that it was disappointing she felt that way.
So I guess its hard to win whichever way in these situations?
"my wife is now suspicious of my motives & feels I'm trying to turn the kids against her!
when she said that you could have knocked me down with a feather & I felt like saying 'no your doing a good job of that on your own' "
Can you blame her? You showed little interest in your kids' lives for YEARS and then ALL OF A SUDDEN you start showing interest. That is all your fault that she doesn't believe you. The WAS will not believe in the changes for awhile. You need to understand patience.
No I suppose I cannot blame her suspicion & Yes I understand that & am prepared that this is not going to be resolved quickly, I did ask her in view of my wanting to reconcile what would I have to gain by turning the children against her? but I suppose she is probably going to see that the exact opposite.
Today when I got in from work she hit my with a new scenario, she now doesn't want to sell the family home & move out she just wants me to go & if she has to she'll get an injunction to force me out! now I'm pretty sure that I have done nothing that would merit her doing that & I do wonder if she is simply testing me or trying to provoke an angry reaction from me, I'm relieved to say I remained calm & didn't take the bait.
Bizarrely just an hour later we had our most civil conversation in some weeks regarding my daughters horse showing & the upcoming event they're both attending this week.
well I finished DR this week & I feel this is probably the best self help book of this type I have read so far & together with these forums offer an invaluable resource for those of us struggling with a relationship crisis.
The hardest part for me is detaching & avoiding discussion about our r but I am getting better, I have struggled to find inspiration for gal but I am keeping myself busy with household jobs, work & s15, its been sometime since I had an episode of self pity & I have remained calm in the face of some severe provocation recently so all in all a big improvement from when I first found my way here.
I appreciate the comments made thus far it provides an opposing view to mine without having to burden my wife every time I have doubts about what I want to achieve.
Since my last post my wife has pushed us closer toward separation by insisting we both seek legal counsel... she was I believe disappointed with the outcome of the legal advice, I guess we've both been given similar advice & my lawyer has told me my wife's demands are both unreasonable & unlikely to be successful if we get to court. She has asked me to leave the family home & allow her to continue living there until my s15 has left school (possibly 3 years).
Obviously I still have hope of resolving our differences but that aside I'm not going to just roll over & let her walk all over me, if she wants to separate then we do it properly with a clean break but since receiving the legal advice she spent a few days pretty down & not involving herself with me or the kids but the last few days she has been a lot more like her old self! now if that's due to her having doubts or just because I have accepted that we may be splitting up I'm not sure? All I know is I have avoided discussing our r & have pretty much been getting on with my life with or without her, I have a big weekend away next week that I'm really looking forward to & I've been spending as much time with my family & kids as possible.