Hi DB friends!
I decided to start a new thread since my original had a bit of a misleading title. the old thread:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...246#Post2464246My H gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" type speech a few weeks ago after I got angry with him that he had been acting distant for about a month. I only got this after I pushed to know what was going on and then he also gave me a list of things that he didn't like about me and the R. I took his words to heart and thought a lot about what I wanted to change or thought I could change. I felt his list of things were not dealbreaker items, but things we could tackle together as a team. When I said this to him he said he was not motivated to change or work and just didn't feel the same about me or the R. I asked what he wanted and he said he didn't know but didn't know how or if the problems could be repaired.
About two weeks went by with me trying to GAL, do 180, and show that I was ready for some changes. He was mostly cold and distant though did show that he was surprised at my changes.
After 2 weeks of this I couldn't take the coldness anymore, him staying out late and not knowing where he was, sleeping in the same bed but not touching and that sort of thing, and I gently pressed him for more talking.
He said he wanted "space" so I suggested gently that he move out to one of his open rental properties for a while to re-assess. He agreed. He arranged for a short term rental apartment for 6 weeks.
He moved the next day and we parted amicably. Though I was very unhappy about the situation I tried to play it cool and be friendly and upbeat. We did have a few joint crying sessions but for the most part he was cold and distant and I did some talking about how we had such a nice R and friendship. A little pleading I must admit.
The next day I got curious and snooped and found out that he has been very interested in a woman he works with for about 2 months or so. They have been flirting and going out drinking after work, although nothing has "happened yet" he is looking forward to it very much. When friends asked him if he thought this OW was clouding his decisions with me, he admitted it was probably true, but was focused on how he did not feel like "working on it" with me, but was excited for potential with the OW. He is also actively searching for a long term apartment, but did not tell me this.
I was livid when I discovered the OW, although I had suspected already after seeing them talking and laughing together at parties. I know that MY problem isn't the OW but I feel the situation with her is blocking him from interest in the R with me.
He never said that he wanted a D, he never said he wanted to split up, he never really said anything to me except that he needs space. But now I feel he thinks he is single and is pursuing women and long term housing while not communicating his intentions with me.
I had decided not to contact him at all as I was feeling like he needs space and time to think. But he sent me random text messages the day he moved out and now again today. I am not sure if I should reply? The last message said simply "hi".
Also his sister just contacted me and said "H just told me. I'm so sorry." But I'm not sure WHAT he told her. How should I reply?
I am quite confused and feeling really stressed. Does anyone have advice?
I am working on myself, trying not to contact him and GAL. So far I have been a wreck but am keeping it together thanks to these boards and my good friends IRL.
I don't know how to handle these random messages from him and his sister... any advice on that?
Thanks so much for your advice and support!
Love, Lisa
.......................................................................................................................
Me: 32
H: 30
M: 4
no kids
Bomb: June 18
Moved out: June 29
Hi DBers,
I haven't had any response to my previous post, but I thought I'd continue the saga anyway as I need some encouragement.
I am feeling very upset that my H is telling everyone we "broke up" while he only told me he wanted "space". I feel like I am in the dark.
He is acting like an a... and it is making me upset. I see him posting photos of him and the OW on FB, I see photos of parties he is going to. Tonight he is coming to get some of his things from the house, I won't be here because I don't think I can handle it.
I have mostly trying to give him space, not communicating with him. But I am having a hard time. Lots of mutual friends are contacting me and saying "wow you split up!?" It really is bothering me, as he didn't communicate the truth to me at all about his intentions or the OW.
I feel like I don't know this person ... where did my sweet, loving H go??? He was just here 2 months ago or so....
Friends are being supportive but say he is just a jerk and forget him and move on. I still love him with all my heart though. Anyone have any tips for me?
Be patient, your sitch is brand new.
I understand your wanting to know what h is telling ppl and wishing to correct the record, but let it go. He is very typical if he's slanting the story so he doesnt look bad. But what other people know and think really doesnt matter, it really wont make any material difference in your sitch. Keep your responses honest and dont get into details with any but your very closest confidantes. The more gory details people know, the more h may protect his pride by forging ahead with his "new life."
You dont know what the future holds. My advice is to take good care of yourself, work on what issues you need to change about yourself, seek out a good counselor, and keep the road home paved and smooth. Give h some space, ignore him on FB and ask people not to report to you about him. It's a false happy image he's presenting the public, ignore it. Let him play this out and give him a chance to learn for himself that the grass is not greener. No one else can make him believe that, he must find it out on his own. Work on you, both to make something good out of this awful experience and to disrract yourself from things beyond your control, ie H.
This will take time. Use that time to be someone only a fool would leave.
Lisa -
Welcome to the club no one wants to join. So sorry that you're here but people are pretty supportive (and know what it's like to be in your shoes!).
My husband also has OW but also hasn't mentioned Divorce. (He actually hasn't even mentioned SPACE, which is it's own level of crazy...but there you are...)
If you're like most of us here, you have chosen to stand for your marriage and let your husband sort through his issue on his own. It's not easy, but neither are the alternatives! As others have said (and will say again), you can't do anything about HIM...you can only take care of YOU. So - detach from him as much as you can and go about making your life as good as you can make it for yourself. Do nice things for yourself, see if there are things about yourself that you'd like to improve, join some new clubs or do some activities....If he's interested in coming, that's fine, but basically stop having expectations of him.
The end result is that you will have a person that you can live with happily - yourself - whether or not he comes out on the other side of this.
Hoping for the best for you! Hang on for the ride....
Hi Lisa,
Sorry to see you here. I have a similar situation except I have 3 very young children. I have no advice as I'm still struggling every day.
But, I'm thinking that I should also change my topic because my situation has become so much more complicated than when I first posted.
Hopefully we can encourage each other through this journey!
Hi Sam3 and MLP, thanks so much for your replies and your encouragement. It's really hard isn't it? Sam3 I hate to think of your struggles with 3 kids at home too.
I really want to stick by my H and wait for him to come back around but he is acting and talking like we were just colleagues at work or something. Very cold and distant and like we never had a R. Like "nice knowing ya, was fun!"
I just don't know what to think about it.
Today I decided the only thing I can do for my own sanity is stop communicating with him all together. I just can't handle this coldness, I keep wondering where did my H go?
Hugs to you both!
Lisa
Adinva, thank you so much for your advice. You are so right to just focus on myself. It's really hard though... but thanks for the encouragement.
Hugs,
Lisa
Lisa -
The only thing I can recommend is SLOW DOWN.
Unfortunately this is a process that takes time. How much time? I'm not sure. I've been here now for 8 months. I think the Divorce Remedy book says that it takes a really long time and it feels a whole lot longer. This is true. Like most traumatic situation, time seems to slow to a crawl, and you will feel like you are absorbing tons of information all the time. (I feel that way, anyway.)
I just read on another thread a great marathon analogy. This is a marathon. The good news is that you've got lots of people here cheering for you with support along the route. There are water stations throughout the journey - so take advantage of the respite when you get it. As someone who has run a few marathons, I can say that they often suck. My fourth marathon I ran with a blister on my foot and I really really wanted to quit...But I didn't. And at the end I had a medal and I could successfully say that I did it without quitting, and that felt good. I think this is going to be like that.
Thanks MLP, gosh I hate running!
But yeah you are right, I see that I am being quite impatient and wanting it all to be solved right away. I guess I need to take a breath and see the long view if I want him back.
Thanks for your great advice!
Love,
Lisa
Hi all, just a small update.
I had been planning to just have no contact with H since it was mostly just causing me distress anyway. But of course he keeps sending me messages, not in a pursuing way mind you, but just to tell me random things.
Yesterday he messaged to tell me that he told his parents that we are getting D. OK..... WHATEVER! Why do I care about that?
I had been replying to his messages very simply and short, but then I thought it might be my opportunity to put my annoyance out there since I do feel it is very disrespectful that he didn't split up with me but tells everyone he did. So I explained that he only told me he "might want space" but now he is telling everyone we are getting D. He was surprised and said he thought it was clear from our discussions that it was final. He thought it was clear was because I had said "I want you to be happy". I guess he thought that meant we get a D???
So I told him no...that is not how you break up (dumbass!!). And he replied that he thought it was easier as he "doesn't know what might happen with us" and didn't want to "create false hope".
Ok fine. Whatever.
Anyway, that is the update. I feel good that at least I got to tell him how irritated I was and how cowardly and rude it is. Of course I don't think it helps anything but at least I feel a bit better.
The OW is the one thing that is really bothering me still. I hate that he was heavily flirting with her while he was with me, and I hate that she pretended to be my friend. That is starting to make me really angry.
My mood has improved a lot. I feel really good sometimes even. So those of you just starting out on your painful journey - it does get easier. After 2-3 weeks of hell I am feeling a bit more like myself. I'm still down and sad and hopeless at times but the pit in my stomach is going away slowly.
I think it helps to stop blaming yourself for mistakes you made. Try to improve yourself going forward but don't beat yourself up for the past.
Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Love, Lisa
Hi
I too wonder where my H went.. doesnt help me to detach at all but I question myself now..
Did I imagine we had a close relationship, do I live on another planet?
I can't get mad.. but I have had the same conversations. As you
H: I need space( 2 weeks later)r all I want is a divorce the affair is a coincidence. ?
13 years ago I felt you betrayed my trust it is burnt earth I want a divorce.. no I don't want to talk about it..
it is sad this is happening so many times all over the world.. where do they get the scripts¿
Your situation sounds so hard. But I just wanted to say that your tone and attitude have been so constructive, it's been an inspiration to read. I can imagine how you must be such a positive in real life. Of course he is mad to leave you.
If you are taking counselling (recommended), or reading other self-help books, it looks like your anger needs addressing. It's almost impossible to properly apply DB and the LRT when angry.
It's good that you have friends IRL that are supportive. And you know, when you're out with them, a tiny bit of flirting won't kill anyone and remind you that the OW has nothing on you!
Hang in there
Lisa,
I'd highly recommend getting Michele's book, "Divorce Remedy (DR)," and quick. Also look for Sandi's list of Last Resort Technique (LRT). As other posters have said, do things for YOU - things YOU can control. WAH is going to make wishy-washy decisions and change his mind every other week, its suck and its normal.
You could start 180 Techniques and pick up new hobbies, or old ones, that you left behind from being together. Good examples would be running, biking, going to the gym and getting that beach body, etc.
From what I've read and from also personal experience I think you should consider;
1 not getting into arguments with WAH (they arent think straight anyway, just reinforces their current beliefs)
2 be "happy" and "upbeat" around WAH (this may confuse WAH, so be prepared for possible backlash)
3 Im not sure on your living arrangements but try to not be home when the WAH is (keeps YOU focused on YOU, and makes WAH wonder where you are at)
4 don't go snooping or bring up OW, ever! (this serves to keep YOU focused on YOU, and doesn't bring you down because snooping will do that)
Keep us posted. Like myself I sometimes feel "no one replies back to me," this board is very busy and some people get really focused on certain stories. Overtime you will feel you aren't dependent on replies as you detach more and more. This is all a process, patience will be your friend in time. Emotional swings and crying are very normal, don't think you're the only one.
Goodluck
Hi Riley, Mat and Loualea,
Thanks so much for your replies and great advice!
I am trying to stay positive, focus on myself and stay out of contact with the WAH, unless he contacts me. We don't live together, he moved out last weekend.
Thanks Riley for the reminder to not snoop. Damn that one is hard!!! And also not to think or talk about the OW. I can't stop thinking about that today for some reason it is really getting me down. And yes, I have read DB but not yet DR. I was going to go pick it up at the bookstore tomorrow if they have it in stock.
Mat, thanks for your advice and compliments on my attitude!
And thanks for the encouragement to flirt, I've actually been doing a bit of it this weekend. It's funny how that has two sides though, have any of you noticed it? You flirt and you feel good because you are getting attention and all that, but then the person starts getting interested and then you think "ugh leave me alone. oh gosh I wish I just had my S back!!!"
Loualea, sorry to hear about your situation, it does not sound fun. I guess what they say is that the S acts really weird and goes into denial about your whole R to protect themselves from feelings. It's super duper annoying for sure. But you didn't imagine the whole thing, they are just in denial. Hang in there!
My next hurdle is really trying not to snoop and trying not to obsess on the OW. Boy, it is not easy. The two go hand in hand.
Question for you all: he will be coming by next week to pick up some things from the house. Do you think it is better for me to be out and avoid seeing him or better to be home so that I can show him what he is missing? We last saw each other Sunday morning when he moved out, so about a week ago.
Have a good day everyone!
love,
Lisa
Lisa,
"Question for you all: he will be coming by next week to pick up some things from the house. Do you think it is better for me to be out and avoid seeing him or better to be home so that I can show him what he is missing? We last saw each other Sunday morning when he moved out, so about a week ago."
I would recommend doing what makes YOU happy, YOUR hobbies. Never try to do things to get the WAS to "notice" because you will be forever disappointed.
Hey Lisa,
The question you posed above is a bit of a tough one. On one hand you want to GAL so not being there is accomplishing that and if you are not there you wont be tempted to discuss R at all.
The other side is if maybe after a week your WAH may realize not being around you isn't the greatest. Then he may show some body language to that effect.
It is your choice there are pos/neg to both so just do what you feel is right for YOU.
H has only been gone a week and these things take time. Be patient and just be aware of possible baby steps but try not to have any expectations.
Snooping is bad all way around, take it from me, my W is beyond mad that I was advised to find some things out to protect myself when it comes to support.
Realize you cant control anything your WAH does so snooping just hurts you in the end.
Your H has made choices and is on a journey of his own at the moment. Take this time to work on yourself. It helps a great deal no matter what lies ahead.
Hang in there!!
Hi Lisa, I feel for you as I am in a similar switch. I am going on month 6. In the beginning I did all the pleading, begging, everything and it didn't work. My WaW moved out but then I got her to move back in but we are living in seperate floors. She still comes down to my living area and we have small superficial chats and sometimes cool and eat together.
If you read my forum, I caught her having an A. It hurts and the pain is down right wrenching. My advice for you is to be patient because this is the last thing I can do after all the begging and pleading I did. I question myself, if I should still fight for my M because I never thought I would be able to accept an A. Funny how things work, but here I am fighting. Hang in there and you are at the right place. Good people with good hearts are here to help get you through this with their sincere support.
As for the pain, it will get easier with time. As for the no contact you are doing its the best approach. Like so many dbrs says, become someone that you are happy with and only a fool will leave. I am practicing this in every angle I can.
As for the text that you are getting, I suggest answer the important ones from H. If he just says hi, I would ignore it. Let him know that you are a strong woman and can be on your own too. I think when he texts and says "hi" he is just fishing to see if you are still all over him trying to get him back. Seems to me, he wants to feel that comfort of always having you there as a backup. No one should be a backup in a M. Both must always put in to continue a strong and happy M. I believe we are all here because this is what we believe in and though our S has wondered away, we fight, because we believe that the foundation we have established with our S is important to us each. And of course, we love them (truly love them) to be able to forgive and work on ourselves to become a better person (for one's own self, only a fool will leave
Hi cq1, nit84 and Riley,
Thanks so much for your advice and support.
I think my best bet is to not be there when he comes by unless he specifically asks me to be there. On the one hand of course I'd like to see him but on the other I am afraid he will still act like a cold alien and it will upset me more.
Also I feel like one of the problems in our R was that I was too available to him (boring) so probably being out is better and if he wants to talk to me or see me he can ask. Last time he came by I was out, and he seemed a bit confused by it.
cq1 thanks so much for your insights about the "hi" texts. It makes sense! I think also he is used to sending me texts during the day that say something like "baby!" to get my attention so that we can have a text conversation about what we are having for dinner later or how our days are going. Since he can't say that now he just sends "hi". It is so annoying!
The last 24 hrs I am really having obsessive thoughts about the OW. It's not good. Trying to distract myself and not think about that, but it's hard. My mind wonders if they are together right now at this moment, then it jumps to thinking "well, it will never work out" to then thinking they will run off together into the sunset and then back to thinking he probably isn't even interested in her anymore now that he got rid of me. All this thinking is CRAZY I know but it's the rollercoaster and I am still strapped in! Yuck! Trying to avoid thoughts like this...
Sending you all good thoughts.
love,
Lisa
Mat, thanks for your advice and compliments on my attitude!
And thanks for the encouragement to flirt, I've actually been doing a bit of it this weekend. It's funny how that has two sides though, have any of you noticed it? You flirt and you feel good because you are getting attention and all that, but then the person starts getting interested and then you think "ugh leave me alone. oh gosh I wish I just had my S back!!!"
Lots of back and forths on flirting/dating etc. on this forum. Flirting can do wonders for your self esteem when you receive positive feedback, especially if you are a LBS. But you are right, it is a fine line between building your own self esteem and being unfair to the other person. Keep it friendly and innocent, and always have full disclosure to any other person who might get the wrong idea.
Keep up the good work!
Hi Pilot,
Yeah and also sometimes it goes the other way! You are flirting and feeling all good about yourself and then the other person is not interested in you and you feel even worse than you did before! That's certainly happened to me.
Earlier when I went for my run I got a few whistles from random men on the street (nasty men, but still). :P Sometimes that is better than actual flirting because you don't need to engage.
Hope you are having a good day!
Hugs, Lisa
Hey Lisa, believe me, I know how you are feeling. I've been feeling the same too. Always thinking about S with OP. Sandi2 gave me a good point... You can't control what they do. It hurts but it's so true. I am so sorry that you are in this sitch. All the pleading and begging will not help one bit in changing their minds of coming back. I tried and my W didn't even budge. She just reiterated that the love is not there and she needed space and time to figure this out. Then I tried again and again and no avail. So this is what I am trying to tell you, what you're doing now, No Contact, it could be the best 180 for you now at this stage. I think this because your H is still expecting you to always be there. Hence, the frequent texts. My W doesn't even text me much at all unless something needs to be done or said. So you see, your sitch, at this point with the 180 may make H realize what he will be giving up. Now with all this time, better yourself and be someone only a fool would want to leave. We need to let them know that the decisions they make does have sacrifices...loosing someone who cares. Try And step back a bit when you feel like how you are feeling now and see the bigger picture. You're DBing and things are not the same anymore. You're on a path to giving it all you got to save your marriage even though the surest way is counterintuitive.
Thanks cq1! You are so right.
I also tried the convincing and begging and promising to change and all that nonsense. All he said was that he didn't feel the same way about me as he used to and he wasn't motivated to work on the R. So it was pointless.
H is currently texting me but mostly to tell me things like when he wants to come by the house to pick up stuff. Not really to chat, unfortunately. But I agree that the only way to possibly turn this around is to stop reaching out to him, be less available and see if that makes him realize he misses me and do something about it. So for now it is out of my hands and I can only focus on taking care of myself.
Thanks again for the tips and support, I hope you have a good day. Be strong!
love, Lisa
Hey Lisa, you be strong too. Today my W and I had no contact. Usually I would call her but I didn't. It drove me crazy but I hung in there and did it. I came home and she was not home. Wanted to call her but still didn't. Space is the only thing I can give her now. We'll see how this turns out. As for you, I would try and keep busy. Get out if the house and do things. I had nothing much to do today, so I jumped in the truck and drove off. Went to Lowes and did some shopping. Then came back and I noticed she had brought down some grapes and fruits for me. Didn't call or text to say thank you at all. I will when we eventually see each other but really trying to detach. You must too. One day at a time. Cheers.
Hi cq1, good for you! Sounds like you had a good, strong day. I am trying to take it day by day and just not contact him. Hopefully he will then have the chance to miss me instead of feeling I am boring and always around.
Luckily I have been super busy lately with work and friends so that helps.
The OW is the one thing driving me crazy but I try to tell myself there is nothing I can do about it so I should just ignore it.
I miss him and wish he'd call me but at the same time I do not really have that overwhelming need to contact him. I just feel sad.
I really hate those days when I feel hopeless and that there is no chance this will work out. Today is one of those days. I'll go out for some exercise later and hopefully will feel better.
Hugs!
Lisa
Hi Lisa, hang in there and try to keep busy. I know sometimes it burns because I am going through the same emotions. We both wish things could be back then with what we know now in how to better ourselves and R. Keep in mind it's their choice to have it like the way it is now. But it's our choice to be strong, happy, and learn from this hurdle life has dealt us. Whatever outcomes, we'll be stronger and more wise. Take care. I wanted to send you a private message but do you know how to do that?
Hi cq1,
Thanks for your support. I am doing my best to hang in there and keep working on bettering myself as you say. So far so good. (I dont know anything about PMs!)
Today I had a huge bout of anger toward the WAH. I realized I have been busy blaming myself and feeling regretful for all the things I did wrong and wasn't really allowing myself to think about what he did wrong. Well, today I faced some of that and wrote it all down in a mean and hateful letter that I will never mail. I feel better, stronger after that. Of course immediately after that he sent me a chatty text message for the first time in 4 days! How is it that they seem to read your mind and feelings and know exactly when you are feeling over them so they can reel you back in?
I am doing my BEST not to answer. I am sure he just wants something from me, like to come by and get his stuff. So I figure if he wants that he can ask and otherwise I don't have much to say to him. Let him get angry. It's a 180 for me not to be helpful, friendly and available all the time. It really feels uncomfortable so it is probably the right thing to do.
Hope everyone else is having a good one. Hugs, Lisa
Hey Lisa, those emotions creeps up on me too. Sometimes I just want to give up but my love is too strong. Detaching, I know will make it easier. It's just hard to leave a world we( wife and I) built over 20 years. Do as I, and always try to focus on yourself. When these emotions come up, and I stop and think to myself, "why am I choosing to make myself feel sad? I can control that. It helps. DBers on this board gave me so much valuable insight that I am forever great full for. The thing I learned is that you can only control yourself on how you want to feel. The WAS is aloof and they are in their own journey. To D is much easier if you know you have tries everything you can. And that's what you are doing now. Please keep building courage and strength within yourself. Always remember, we have the time now. Hope this helps you, as it is helping me. ( I figured out how to use pm. Goto my stuff and click on edit preferences. There you can turn on pm. )
Hi Lisa,
Just wanted to chime in here after reading a bit of your story.
#1: Do NOT listen to a word he says!
He's saying this, that, and the other thing and it's making your head spin. WhatEVER he says, tell yourself "It's just words." Then forget it.
It's his mouth flapping but you don't have to listen.
This goes double for what you hear from other people. IGNORE THEM. They are simply rehashing the junk he tells them... it's all useless except to confuse and upset you.
Case in Point: He says he wants "space" and this turns into "He told his parents we are getting a divorce." Yikes. You poor thing.
#2: Pay no attention to what he DOES--like us, the best indicator of anything "real" is consistent action over time. Right now he's going to be all over the map.
Trying to figure it out will also make you crazy and you've got enough on your plate right now.
#3: Level of contact: Do what's best for YOU to keep your cool and always be able to present your best self. If it's uncomfortable and emotional and you don't think you can handle it, do yourself a favor and make yourself scarce.
You don't need to explain it to him, just--vacate. Do it for you.
He'll get over it.
If you don't know how to respond: Don't.
Or Wait until you do.
Timing is everything, as well as how you handle each interaction with him.
You want each encounter to be as positive as possible.
If you can't turn it to your advantage, wait until another time when you might have a better chance of making that happen.
#4: We all fall down on occasion. It's a lot of work to do this DBing. IF you do, don't beat yourself up. Just try again. Meanwhile, try to figure out which situations are going to push your buttons the most and either avoid them, or prep for them like mad.
Keep yourself under control around him as much as possible.
That goes for texts/emails...etc.
#5: NO snooping. I know we all "want" to know, and hopefully one day we will, but right now you know he's cheating and lying... there's nothing more to know.
Knowing where he is/what he's doing at any minute is more painful. Trust me, I know.
Best that you avoid contact if you're upset, and snooping WILL upset you.
#6: Vent here on this board instead of at him. He won't hear you anyway. He's clearly being an a**hat! Don't give him any ammunition to use against you. Don't engage with him. He wants you to act irrational, bitchy, nasty... because that will help him justify how he's treating you.
Kill 'em with kindness! It just takes the wind out of their sails.
#7: Conduct yourself in a way that will make you proud down the road. You'll know that no matter how awful he is, you acted with grace under pressure. That's priceless.
#8: You're stronger than you think. You're going to learn things you never wanted to know, but you're going to come out a better person at the end of this. That is a guarantee. Your H? Well, the jury is still out on him, but there may be hope for him yet.
Figure out what your boundaries are for how YOU will be treated.
"I will not be spoken to in a disrespectful manner" for example. It's not telling HIM what to do, he has the choice to do what he wants. But you don't have to listen to it!
Decide what the consequences will be, and assert yourself (less confrontation the better) when he crosses them.
#9: Read and post sandi's rules somewhere where he won't see them, but you can internalize them and put them into practice every single day. That will help you tremendously.
#10: Find a way to set small measurable, achievable goals for yourself and track your progress.
For example: When I first started I set the goal of "One week with no emotional blow-ups between us". I went 12 weeks before I had a slip up, but it never happened again.
(So far!)
I think you're doing a tremendous job so far, when this is so fresh and painful.
Stay strong!
--GG
WOW GG! What an amazing list! This helps me so much!
I don't even know how to reply except to say you hit the nail on the head and are so right.
This whole DB thing is such a struggle against doing what you naturally want to do. It takes so much willpower but at the same time each step you take helps you to feel and be better. So it is rewarding in its own way.
Thank you so much for your advice and support GG and cq1. And I will see if I can turn on PMs.
Hope everyone has a good, strong day! Hoping the same for myself.
Hugs,
Lisa
^^ I don't think PMs work. They discourage us having contact outside the board. (If u think about it, it makes sense. I'm guessing many people would lean on someone else here because we're all facing the same pain, and then one thing leads to another, and... Not very interested in fixing my M because I found this other person who knows the pain I'm feeling and we're never gonna treat each other that way, etc.)
It would be great to have a real convo with some people on here. Not sure what the rules are on the Facebook page.
Hi artsy, Yeah you are probably right about the PMs leading to trouble!
How are you doing today? I am feeling blah. Every day I wake up thinking "oh I hope today H realizes what he is missing" but I know I will just be disappointed.
I'm really working hard on the rest of my life though and doing well at it but I still feel that sad emptiness. I hate that feeling. I try to make myself feel better thinking he might be feeling it too not talking to me and seeing me every day as usual...
Today I came across his photo and felt oddly detached. Like "who is that?"
Hope everyone is having a great day!
love, Lisa
You know Lisa, that empty sad feeling is part of what we all are fighting for to overcome. Wether together with S or not we must better ourselves and get our selves happy and that empty sad feeling will dissipate. What we have us time and patience.
GG's post is full of valuable insights and suggestions on this journey of ours. Thank you GG. The support here is great.
Be strong Lisa. We all are rooting for you. Have a nice day.
(Never though about pm the way Artsy did, but it make sense.)
Just another little update. I spoke with H today and he said he found a long term apartment (minimum 1 yr lease). Not sure what this means for our future together but it doesn't disturb me as much as it seems it should.
He seems to have been laying low, I don't think he is dating the OW but maybe he is planning to in the future. I'm not sure. We had a casual conversation that was almost like normal. I feel like I should be staying out of contact so he misses me but then I feel like I am being so rude not replying to him...
He's coming by the house (which he is now calling "your house") today to pick up some things. I am not sure if he thinks I will be here but I plan to be out. I don't want to deal with the awkwardness.
I was feeling quite strong earlier in the week but yesterday and today have been very sad and missing him a lot. I wish there was a crystal ball or magic bullet for this situation.
Hope everyone else is having a good one!
Hugs, Lisa
Hi all, just another small update. I just got confirmation that indeed my H is sleeping with the EA/OW, and has been doing so intensely since he moved out last week.
I'm not sure how to absorb this new information.
He seems to be "moving on" very fast, of course he has known her (they work together) for many months but to jump from our M bed to hers seems quick.
Does anyone have advice for me and how to handle this? Of course I am not planning to say anything to him, but should this change my attitude or behavior in the way I interact with him? Should I be harsher to him - ask him to move his stuff out of my house for example?
Of course I will continue to GAL and detach but what else should I do? Advice is welcomed!
Hope everyone is having a better day than I am.
Hugs, Lisa
Hi Lisa, Im so sorry to hear this. When I found out about my W having an A, I lost it and a huge flow of anger came charging out. Looking back, they don't care about how you feel. They're in their own world. My advice is for you to be calm. Give yourself some time to figure out what's the best plan for you. What you can handle and deal with. He's already moved out and moved on so what you say to him will probably wont even get recognized. What I gathered from reading these forums about A is that they usually don't last. Six months is the norm I believe. Correct me if I am wrong vets. Based on how I handled my initial reaction, I advice you to be patient and NOT give H a reason for his actions. This is what I say to myself every morning "No reason, no reason, give her no reason for her to justify her action." Sometimes I do slip and she tries to justify it. I acknowledge her reasoning and if I think she's right, I would tell her I didn't see it that way and I understand. I sometimes, step back and look at the big picture...what I am fighting for...a future with someone I love now. We detach and GAL to strengthen ourselves to become happy with no matter what the outcome is. In the end, if we get our S back ( solely on their decision) great because we're a changed person that is happy. If we don't get our S back in the end then great we're a changed person that is happy. Remember, become a person that only a fool will leave. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you cq1. You are so kind. Thank you for the words of wisdom.
I am just shocked I guess that this person whom I loved and trusted would do this. It seems so unlike him. Everyone who knows him/us says this. Who is this person?
I don't think it will last but maybe it will. I don't know if it matters. Is the damage already done? Can you ever trust that person again?
Of course I know it isn't about him at this point, it is all about me. I am doing my very best to be happy and content with my life but ... well, it is just a huge shock.
I'm not so sure I would want him to come back. My image of him is shattered. But then, do I be mean, friendly, distant... I have no clue what to do? I guess they say when you don't know what to do don't do anything. And be patent as you said cq1.
This [censored].
This is also my struggle. Do I actually want him the person not the the r back.
That answer changes day to day min to min. There is no hurry to decide.
Hi Ggrass, No there is no hurry to decide and there is nothing we can really do right?
But I guess I just need to decide how to interact with him, what to do about our shared stuff etc. Do I tell him to get all his stuff out of the house? He doesn't know that I know about OW.
Do I just play it cool, do I be cold, do I be friendly? I have to decide what I want in the future in order to know how to behave now.
I do not plan to contact him, but so far he contacts me every few days saying hello. I was ignoring him for a while but then felt it made me seem angry and I wanted to seem cool. So I started being friendly back. But now I am not sure what is the best move.
I guess now I need to switch my thread over to the affairs section. This is no fun.
I have to decide what I want in the future in order to know how to behave now.
Lisa, I don't think you have to decide now. You can be pleasant and detached and go anywhere from there. You might R, you might be friends, you might never speak again, but if you conduct yourself with class now, that gives you options.
I agree that this is no fun. Hugs to you.
Thanks rppfl! Conduct myself with class. I like that.
I'm not the classiest person so that in itself will be a challenge haha.
Hugs back!
Lisa
Hi, Lisa! I just got back from camping, which was a huge 180 for me. We had fun! And the heat didn't bother me as much as I thought it would, so I'm still learning about myself day by day!!!
You CAN trust again. You CAN rebuild, but you both have to want it, and it's going to be a long time from now. Most As fizzle out. Stop paying attention to him and just worry about yourself!
You gotta act "as if" he's not coming back. That doesn't mean you've given up. I "dropped the rope", but that doesn't mean I'm not trying to save my M still- it just means he doesn't get to occupy my thoughts. I'm living for my D12 and myself and. It worrying about when I hear from him next, etc.
As Labug told me: take your eyes off him. It's only going to upset you right now, anyway.
If it is totally out of his nature to behave like he is, he will awaken at some point and hate himself (my H has told me that several times- doesn't mean he's coming home anytime soon, but at least he understands there's a problem!)
You will see on here the saying "the only way through this is THROUGH it." It's true, and it's horrible. You can do it, though.
Hang in there!
Hi artsy! Welcome back from camping! I love camping, I'm glad you had a good time and surprised yourself.
Thanks for the words of wisdom. I realize that these are his choices and it is his life and I can't do anything about those things. Of course it hurts and I am angry and upset but all I can do is focus on myself.
I thought about it a lot today and spoke with my C and I know I have to just work on my own life and let him go deal with his.
I've been struggling a lot with how to communicate with him. I don't plan to contact him at all but if the past 2 weeks are any indication I will hear from him occasionally. I have been questioning whether I should completely ignore his messages or be distant but friendly. I know he hasn't contacted me yet so I shouldn't overthink it but again judging from the past when I do get a message from him I freak out a little. It helps me to already have a plan in place.
And we live in a small town so there is a very good chance that I will actually run into him and OW. So I feel I need a plan in place for that too.
I dont want to make mistakes, I want to conduct myself with dignity while still leaving the possibility that he will recover his senses and we can try again. Therefore I think being friendly but distant in response to his contact is probably the best option. But my heart truly wants me to punch him in the face for how he has lied, cheated and mistreated me.
Thanks artsy and everyone for your support and advice, I appreciate it. Have a good day!
Hugs, Lisa
I think most of us know exactly how you feel. Do not over think it. Spend your time detaching and once you get that you wont have to worry about planning how you interact, it will be natural.
Answer important messages. By that I mean anything kid related, finance related, job/schedule related, etc. Ignore the ones that are pointless. Like if he sends you a text saying its hot outside. You do not care if he is hot outside or not, so you do not answer. Always be pleasant when you do respond. You want to convey your PMA and the idea that you are just fine without him. Do not worry about running into him with OW. If it happens it happens. remove yourself quickly, but as you say, with dignity. No point in having to endure seeing it if you do not feel you can handle it emotionally.
Well said Artsy and Pilot. I'm going through the same struggle as Lisa. Recently I found out the A is still going on. Even though they both told me it has stopped. So I am living in a lie too. Yeah it hurts, it burns. But like Lisa says "thank you for the words of wisdom."
Lisa, be strong and focus on the big picture... You're doing everything you can to get S back ( on H own decision). The path we walk now is emotionally strapped and long. But what we do is the best approach and someday you will look back and know that you have gave it your all (with dignity :))
Be patient and remember we cannot control them. Just let it play out. And we have time, time to GAL and better ourselves for...ourselves.
Hi cq1 and pilot! Thanks for the helpful words.
Hope you are doing well today. I have had a rough weekend, feeling really sad, depressed, emotional etc etc. Haven't wanted to leave the house, just moping around crying and being sad. Sometimes I think that is needed to get to the next level. Most of the time I am putting on my brave face and being social so sometimes I think I just need to be a wreck, break down, and be alone with my feelings. Eventually you just get sick of being pathetic.
The good news is that maybe I came out on the other side with a better attitude!
I'm sure I will be back on the rollercoaster soon but for now I am feeling like F U! F U and F that stupid little s!ut! You both are liars and losers and I hope you enjoy being together in your stupid loserdom.
Not just angry - really I don't feel that angry today - it is more like HA! I don't care about you! I feel superior and strong. I feel excited to start a new chapter, to be fully in control of my own choices. To make a great life for myself because I AM GREAT! Not have to ask H for his opinion, not have to think about his needs or desires. To do whatever I want. I don't have to GAL, I have a great life, and I can make it even greater every darn day.
I'm sad to think this good feeling will pass. I like it.
Hope everyone is feeling strong! RAARRRRRR!!!!
Hugs, Lisa
"I'm sure I will be back on the rollercoaster soon but for now I am feeling like F U! F U and F that stupid little s!ut! You both are liars and losers and I hope you enjoy being together in your stupid loserdom. "
We are so same. I too have been feeling like this the lately. Especially this weekend. Underneath it is so painful. I am feeling that my W acts nice now around me so I can do the things she wants to get done. The hope for reconciliation within me is dissipating. I can feel it and it hurts. I am glad you found some strength in this Lisa. Be strong and perhaps, it's a part of detaching because we usually feel caring for S. but now, like you said, we feel like F them and we don't give a crap. I'm with you, but it's an emotion that will pass. I go back and forth. We must look at the big picture and rember what we are fighting for. Stay strong.
Hi cq1! So right again as usual! I hope you are doing well.
You know what you need when someone stomps on your heart? Tells you they don't love you anymore and maybe never did. Goes and sleeps with someone younger and sexier than you? You know what you need?
You need someone younger, hotter and sexier than THEM to come hit on YOU. Oh yeah. That's right.
Well, it doesn't erase the pain but it makes it just a tiny bit better.
cq1, I hope you are getting out there and trying to enjoy life, or at least pretend to. It helps. Maybe some cutie will flirt with you and make you feel just a little bit better. Not maybe, I'm sure of it!
H is messaging really inane things in the past days, just a few words to make small talk or stay in touch, I guess. I am trying to be polite, friendly and distant, to seem like I am fine and dandy. To react to him like I would to any friend sending small talk chats. And not asking him "how are you?" or any questions in return. We'll see. I don't feel comfortable completely ignoring his messages but waiting several hours and then replying really mellow is ok I guess. It sends the same type of message: I don't care about you.
Hope everyone is doing good! Love and hugs,
Lisa
Hey Lisa, it was a tough day for me today. I almost wanted to confront W about the so called ended A. I know it hasn't and I almost lost it. But I came through ok. I practiced my STFU technique. I feel better but the hurt is still there. Again, We both must try to look at the big picture. Honestly, it's difficult for me because we still live in the same house. She acts as if she's giving me a chance to change. So I started to act as if I am happy as can be. I will continue it for a week or two and see what happens. I just feel being used. But remember Lisa, we must not give them a reason to judge us on why they have decided to be this way with us. Stay strong and focus. Today, when I was at my weakest, I thought about you and this forum. I thought of the advice I gave you and all the things I've learned. Patience is the key now. Please remember that too.
As for the texts you're getting, remember to not show H that you will always be there for him. It's the new you...Strong and confident. Hope you had a good day tomorrow. Cheers
"You need someone younger, hotter and sexier than THEM to come hit on YOU. Oh yeah. That's right."
LOL. You're probably right. Thanks for the suggestion.
Hi Lisa,
Just caught up with your post and I've gotta say...you have guts! I only have suspicions about my H having an EA. Not sure if it has gone physical but the curiosity gets stronger. I have resisted to snoop because like everyone says it doesn't help you, it only brings you down even more. Honestly, I'm not sure I really want him to confess but at the same time I don't want to be kept in dark either. Because it would essentially be a lie if he never confessed. I mean how do you heal from something you didn't know you had to heal from. Really confused about that right now.
Your H behavior reminded me of mine. It all happened so quickly. At first he said he wasn't sure if he could go on this way. I was trying to figure out what "this way" meant but he was never forthcoming. Next thing you know he has S papers drawn up and presents me with it. Then the anger bouts came and the "I do love you but..." Then more anger and lashing out not just at me but my kids too. This was the hardest part for me to handle. We haven't told the kids anything but I know they sense the tension. Anyway, another week goes by and he disappears for a day, his phone and wallet are out of sight, he moves out of the room, he tries to talk me into signing the papers, he begs me to release him. Meanwhile I'm trying to figure out when everything went to sh!ts since we just signed a contract for a new house and we're talking about starting in July to have a baby. It's been truly devastating.
I sent the kids away to parents for the summer and I too have taken a respite in San Diego with my bro. I'm here for three weeks and it has been...I'm glad to be out of the negative environment. The day before I left he came to counseling with me because I suggested that we needed a neutral third party to mediate the convo. I didn't think he would take me seriously but the following day he said "I don't know where you're going with this but I will go with you if you want me to." Passive-aggressive BS but I went along with it. At the session he revealed that his initial intention with drafting the S papers was to see if we just needed space but that as he gave himself time (like a week) he realize that things were never gonna change. At first he never mentioned the D word nor did he say it was over. All he kept saying was I don't have anymore to give right now. So I waited patiently and started my 180. He accused my changes as being a facade or a ploy somehow. It was very hurtful but continued with it anyway.
The morning of my flight he took me to the airport, checked me in, and walked with me to the security checkpoint and waited til I passed through. He insisted the I text and let him know each time I boarded and landed. So i did. I emailed him my bro's contact info. Instead of replying to my email he called me instead to make sure that my flight went well and that I was settled in. A few hours later he called to let me know I had mail and even read my mail to me. I kept it short and sweet, said thank you and left it at that.
I've been here for almost two weeks now and have really given myself time to think about things and enjoy myself again. I'm thankful for the space because I could not handle all his emotional blow-ups. As I sat there and listened to his complaints about me all I could think about was "who is this guy?" and "where did my H go?" His behavior towards me has been pretty crappy and none of his grievances sounded like deal breakers for me either. It sounded like he was trying to find every excuse to get out of the M. He even went as far as saying that our M was not a biblical M and so... It was all crap and I too wanted to spew out really nasty and dirty expletives but didn't.
My only contact with him lately has been to forward him emails regarding the new build. We are due to close the first week of August on this gorgeous house we had plan to raise our family in but will now be selling just as soon as it is complete. Lucky me, huh? I try to keep strictly business with a flare of southern politeness. He will either respond or not at all but I know eventually he will have to contact me about something house-related. Initially, I was confused about how to behave during my time away--how to communicate. Since I left on friendly terms and have been friendly during his contacts he knows that I'm not dodging him out of spite. At least, I hope. I let him initiate contact. The last one was to yell at me about what I was doing with the money he left for me before he opened up his own account and moved all "his...no longer ours" money in there. He said he would eventually move his name off the joint account but til this day has not. So he gets to see all of my expenses and I don't get to see any of his.
I'm sure him looking over the transaction history is just eating him up since he doesn't have a clue what I could be doing. I responded calmly and reassured him that I wasn't on a shopping spree and that most of those things I will most likely return if they don't fit right. I'm petite so non-petite clothes are tricky sometimes. It calmed him down and I even went as far as saying "No need to apologize, I understand and I appreciate you being honest about it and not yelling (even though he did.) He then offered to read my mail but I told him it was not necessary but thanked him for offering anyway. That was the last I've heard from him.
I have to say that if I do see you and many others who have suffered the fate of an EA/PA I would give you a very big and long hug. I would be obsessing over the OW too. It would be hard to turn that stuff off and I don't know how or what I would do if it were me in your shoes. Kudos to you for taking the higher ground. I hope you H does snap out of it and truly repents for a$$ of a behavior and wins you back like you deserve. Your perseverance gives me strength and hope to continue with my journey. Since I've been here it's been easier to detach and I'm actually daydreaming about being single again. I go out with friends and meet new people and notice all the stares or the stolen (accidental) glances and it's been a big ego booster. But then deep down I know it's my H that I want to attract that kind of attention from so I just take it as a compliment. I've still got it! Kinda good, scary, and confusing at the same time. If I found out, I would also be wondering if I would want him back too. That's a tough one and I think only time will tell. The random annoying texts he's sending...I call them baits. As idiotic as it sounds he's fishing and hoping you haven't completely given up even though he may not consciously aware of it.
Despite how absolute my H sounds right now that he no longer feels for me the way he used to and that he wants a D...I know part of him deep down still loves me. So I have to remind myself that he is not thinking clearly right now and that he's going through his own journey (a really screwed up one) and he has to be the one to come out of it. HOpefully, I'll still be on the other side waiting. Who knows? At this point I'm enjoying my life without him...no baggage and no petty passive-aggressive behavior.
Anyway, thank you for letting me vent or at least for reading this. Perhaps I should have journaled instead but I needed to relate with someone today.
Stay strong and focused!
Hi cq1! I am glad that you are able to be strong and are thinking of this forum to help you along. My H moved out and then started sleeping with OW immediately. I don't think I could handle him sleeping with her and living in the same house as me. I'd probably murder him while he slept. Is it possible for you to tell her to move out if you know that she is still with the OP? I just think that is so uncool, I feel like I could not handle it. Maybe give yourself some kind of deadline to say "hey listen, I am not sure it is over with you and OM, if not then I think it is best if we take some space while you figure that out. It's not fair to me that we live in the same house while that is going on."
I don't know, maybe that isn't the best move but if it were me it would drive me crazy I think.
I completely agree with you about replying to my H's messages. I have tended to be really short and boring with my replies. I feel if I don't reply he will think "oh she's mad at me" and that will make him feel better in a way? Like I care still. But if I am just short and polite in reply, perhaps he will think I just don't care so much and am moving on. Maybe it doesn't even matter, I am feeling quite hopeless about the whole thing today. I miss him but he really disappointed me and I don't know if I can forgive and trust again.
Good luck in finding a cutie to flirt with!
Hugs, Lisa
Hi CMF! Wow what a story. I really feel for you, and it sounds very similar to what has happened with me unfortunately.
I hate to say it but I would expect an OW in your case too. I just don't know how these people can have a sudden change of heart unless they have someone else that they NEED to get involved with NOW. It just seems like that is a big motivator and a reason for a sudden change. Especially with you building a house and planning a baby! Crazy.
It sounds like you are doing really well and handling this with grace and strength. I am impressed! Keep up the good work and this will work out for the best whatever that may be!
So sorry to hear you are going through this but at least we can all support and encourage each other and give one another some good advice!
Hugs,
Lisa
Abandonment is a big sign the S has guilt and can't handle facing their S for whatever reasons: OP/anger issues/addictions/MLC, etc. etc. Unfortunately, the S has left or wanted to a while ago and the hurt S just was in the dark. It's sad but the fact. How the other S can do this is a mystery to me, but there has to be a mental blockage with denial, delusions and many times amnesia. DBing friends: the only thing left is concentrating on ourselves and how we can go on and praying to God that somehow the S wakes up before we move on for good, which has happened to most of us.
Hi everyone, I have just read through this whole thread and it has been so helpful to me. I am new here, my H left 7 months ago straight onto OW and is still with her. I am heartbroken. I saw them both together for the first time last week, in the supermarket buying groceries together and the pain nearly wiped me out.
All this advice is so great, and it is making me feel stronger already!
Much love to everyone.
Stacey xx
Aw Stacey that is so terrible! I am so sorry!
Did you have to interact with them at the store or were you able to escape without them seeing you?
Big hug! Lisa
Hi Lisa, no I left the store when I saw them, but they passed me while I was sitting in the car. I waved when I saw them I cannot explain what made me do it! I saw H say to her that's my wife and she smiled but only glanced over. He has never spoken to me since. it's like he is so angry at me!
I've never joined any online groups or forums before but I am so glad I joined this one. There are so many people going through the same as me and the advice is just great.
Hope you are having a good day
Love
Stacey
Hi Stacey
had the same experience, almost with the OW and my H. I texted him later that he had been cruel to allow us to end up face to face. Interestingly said he had not meant to be cruel...
What he thought it was I am not sure!
since then I have really hammered into my head. " remember he does not like you". I think I was acting before as if he did still like me ..he was just a bit confused. But I don't believe these WAS are confused. I do not think they care about the LBS at all..or if little just so they don't feel guilty. They care zbout themselves, and only themselves.
it has helped my detachment to remind myself that this person, who if I am not strong I care about a lot, really does not have my best interests at heart, only his own.. and I need to look after me because he surely is not going to. If anything it will be the opposite..
Hi all! What a mess! I am so glad we can be here to support one another through these crappy times. Sorry to hear everyone's sad tales. When can we get off this darn emotional rollercoaster?
I heard from the H today and he asked to meet to "catch up". WTH does that mean? Is he going to tell me all about his new stupidwhoregirlfriend? Is he lonely and sad? Is he curious about my new exciting life? I have no idea and I am not prepared to hear him tell me how happy he is with the OWb!tch or anything like that. I'm not sure how to respond.
Does anyone have tips? I asked my friends and they had mixed advice. I don't want to go into a meeting without knowing the general feeling of it. I definitely don't want to go to hear bad news if you know what I mean. I'd rather stay home and do the dishes or clean the toilet bowl with my tongue.
Friends said to reply and ask something like "is there something you want to discuss" but I feel like that might be too pushy and I'm trying to play it cool, detached and confident. I did reply and say "what did you have in mind?" hoping that would get some kind of answer, and it was vaguely flirty or b!tchy depending on how you look at it.
A few hours later he replied "just a drink or something" so I guess my question was too vague. Oops. So what do you think? Should I ask something more specific or just take my chances and meet up to hear something really disappointing that might cause a bar brawl?
PS: I haven't seen him since he moved out about 2-3 weeks ago. This is the longest we have ever been apart. ha.
Thanks in advance for your tips! Hope everyone has a fabulous day!
Hugs, Lisa
First you need to calm down about it. You should accept his invite by replying something like "yeah that sounds good" or "sure we can do that". If you go into it thinking that it will be a negative interaction, it most certainly will be.
You dont need to know what he wants to talk about. Youre WAY overanalyzing this whole thing right now.
Did you ever think that maybe since this is the longest that you have been apart, that he might be missing you??
Whatever you do here, play it cool, but accept the invite. You can even pick your own time if you want to when you do it. Maybe say "sure Im free after work on Friday" or whatever. Just an idea, but stop overthinking this.
Thanks Ben! Terrific advice and just what one of my friends said.
I guess I am just terrified when I picture myself looking super hot, sitting on a bar stool with a drink in hand, smiling. And then him saying "so, um, yeah I have been seeing OW and everything is going great! Just thought you should know." And then picturing myself smashing my glass over his head and then running out of there crying and screaming like a crazy person.
Maybe I am indeed a crazy person.
Thank you for your advice, Ben. I think you are very right. I need to calm down.
When you go be calm and cool. He isnt going to tell you that things are going great between him and her. Think about that. Does that even make any sense? LOL, no it doesnt.
Go into it knowing that you are gonna have a good time, whether he does or not is up to him. You can be fun and light and attractive. Be easy going and let him say whatever he wants to say to you. If its just a light conversation that friends might have, then let it be that. DO NOT bring up the R at all though. If he talks about it, listen and validate. Dont argue your points or anything like that. BE FUN to be around. Leave him with a positive impression. Like my C says "make him have to come back to get more positives."
You arent crazy, just full of anxiety right now. I know this feeling well. Let it pass and think about how its a good thing that he is asking you out. Might not be a date but he also didnt say "we need to have a talk".
Thanks Ben, I feel so much better. You are saying exactly what is truly in my heart, that he simply misses me (whether my friendship or the R) and wants to see me. I guess I just get paranoid and anxious.
I have been hoping and waiting (and BDing like mad) for a request like this since he left so it's pretty funny that once it happened I get all defensive and scared.
Thanks for bringing me back to reality. I hope you are right and I'm not going to just get another big old bomb dropped on me.
Big hug, Lisa
Hi Lisa
Good advice from Ben.. don't overthink it but be prepared to avoid R talk.. and remember the advice about being strong and confident..
Ending the meeting on a positive note, not draggibg it out so you get to see him for longer..
You can always schedule ahsin for later
And also this is not the last time you will see him.. there will be other times.. that helps to remember as well..
I would pick one of two paths to take. One, if you are concerned, tell him you can meet him for a short period of time, and make sure you leave when you said you would have to. This way you control at least the time, so if he does start rambling into how great OW is, you can listen, smile, validate, all the good DB stuff, but you will not have to do it for very long. If it turns out to be a good conversation and good news, still end it, but you can make a comment as you leave like 'this was nice, we should do it again sometime'.
My other choice, if I was a girl who was looking super hot, I would meet him at a bar that was full of guys who would hit on me. Trust me, guys will be watching if it looks like your H is annoying you, and will be more than happy to strike up a conversation with you while walking to the bathroom or something like that. Let your H see others fighting over you and it will cut him like a knife.
Best of luck!
Lisa, There are many ways to go about this. Ben and la suggestions are great support. Remember that it doesn't hurt to find out what his intentions are for this "catch up" meeting because you're not expecting anything, right? So go in there knowing your DB friends are right behind you. You have class and you have dignity. If any of his conversations hurt you, just smile. End it quick and get out. Like La says this wont be the last time you see him. Be mysterious, upbeat, and happy so he can wonder what he is missing. If he tries to hug you when he see's you, step back and avoid that because ask yourself does he deserve a hug...NO! Let him want.
Thanks cq1, pilot & loualea for the great advice. And thanks again Ben.
I told him "sure, sounds good" and he immediately wanted to meet up tonight.
I have a very busy week so probably it will have to wait until next week anyway. I'll keep you posted, I'm sure I'll need some help before I meet him to get some calm detachment.
Thanks again for all your tips and support.
Hugs, Lisa
Hey Lisa, thanks for stopping by my thread. I left you a Reply there. Hope you're doing well. Take care.
Hi all! Totally dumb question for y'all. And I'll probably get whacked with a 2x4 for asking this mind reading type question, but I'm curious what you think.
My H has been telling people "we broke up" or "we are not together anymore". And every time he says it he follows up with something like "we're still friends" or "we still talk". Even when he is flirting with someone.
First of all if you read my sad tale, he never actually split with me, just said he "maybe wanted space". So when he says we broke up that's not exactly true. Also bomb drop and subsequent move out was about 3 weeks ago. We have not spoken nor met up since he moved out, we have exchanged polite or casual text messages but I would not call it "friend". Especially since there is/was OW EA PA...
My question is, why is he so consistent in telling everyone that we are friends? How does that make him/it look better? Is it because he is trying to deny that he acted like a giant a hole and that he is unforgivable? Or does he truly think we are friend? Is he just trying to hang on to me in some way? Or trying to justify in his mind why he sends me a message nearly every day?
I know, dumb mind reading question and I shouldn't listen to anything he says. I'm just curious why he has this one consistent story.
I hope everyone else is doing great today. I've been up and down but doing pretty good. Let's hope it can stay on the good side for a while.
Hugs, Lisa
Lisa,
I think you answered your own questions above. ^^^.
---GGG
LOL Lisa...this is a tough one to answer. It could be any number of things there. One thing I am fairly certain of though is that last part. The "we still talk" and "we are still friends". I will probably get bombed for saying this by the vets, but to me that is a good thing. I cannot think of a single reason to even say that other than to make it an easy transition to those same people "if" you get back together.
As for the first part of that, who knows. Could be anything. It could just be a generic excuse as to why you are not with him and he doesnt want to talk about it anymore than to say that.
Again take what I said up there with a grain of salt. That is how I would read it, but it could be anything. This is probably the reason we shouldnt mindread lol. I wouldnt put anymore thought into that whole thing though.
Good luck tonight btw! You can do this. You are good enough to be pursued and you dont need to pursue him. I cant wait to hear what happens.
Lisa,
I'm not an expert but here is a thought and it's sheer speculation. Your h checked out long before his space announcement. He actually probably considered himself single as soon as he told you, considering that just a formality.
Again, he may not want to look * bad* so he softens it by saying we broke up and are still friends. He can make himself appear to be a good guy. Most peeps don't want to announce they cheated on their W.
Your feelings and questions are totally normal. Hang in there:-)
Hi GG, Ben and Georgiabelle, Thanks for your replies!
Sounds like the three of you have pretty much summed up what I thought myself. Who knows what he is thinking or why he says things?!? I sure don't and I'm not sure even he does.
Georgiabelle, you are right that he did check out of the R before his announcement. But it sure seemed to happen fast and in hindsight be heavily influenced by sudden attention from the OW. I'm not sure if he was just looking for a way out or if it was sudden to him too. He did say many times that he wasn't sure what he wants and didn't know what would happen, but he never said he wanted to split up. Maybe he is just a chickensh!t!
Ben, I like that you are such an optimist.
I'm so glad for you that things are going well! Thank you for checking in with me here and for your good wishes.
I think his whole "friendship" thing is a cover up for other thoughts and feelings. We are NOT friends. I guess that is why I wondered his reason for saying it to everyone. I think he doesn't want to look like a bad guy or FEEL like a bad guy! So he tells himself all is great and we are friends. Not admitting to himself what he is doing to his so called previous "best friend". Probably a bunch of other things mixed up in there.
I don't know when we will meet up. I told him I have a very busy week this week, so next week is better for me. He said ok and we did not discuss it further. I think I will leave it up to him to ask again.
On the other hand he has now been contacting me daily with little random messages about trivial things. Not loving or romantic in any way at all. Friendly, I guess. But every day. I never contact him first. That was one of the problems in our R, I was too available, too "nice".
Sorry for the long ramble. Hope everyone is doing well and has a nice weekend!
Hugs, Lisa
He sent me a message today saying he found a long term apartment and he will come get his stuff/boxes from the house next week. He sounded like he was bragging about this great place he found that is "a bit too expensive".
I'm not sure what to make of it. I am not sure if he has absolutely no empathy, if he thinks I'd actually be happy for him, or what?
Since I figured he maybe expected I'd be upset, I acted cool and just said "great! It looks super nice!"
We had been planning to move (together!) later this year already so it is possible that somewhere in his mind he thinks we could live there together. But of course I have no clue what is crossing his mind. Maybe this is simply conjecture.
It just seems cruel to me that he would think I should be happy about this. It doesn't bother me that much but I just don't get what he is thinking....
Oh well, one day at a time I suppose.
Hugs to all, Lisa
Lisa, I'm proud of you. Take a step back and see how brave and strong you are taking on these changes. Kudos to you. Keep it going girl. You're on the right track and the right place.
Have a Happy day and weekend.
Hi cq1! Backatcha!
You too! Have a great weekend!
Lisa, thanks for your post on my thread. Your support is much appreciated. I want to share with you oYouTube video I found on this forum site. I forgot who posted it but I hope this can help you.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks-_Mh1QhMcSearch Amy Cuddy
Hi cq1, thanks for sharing that, I have seen it before. Great stuff.
Hope you are doing well.
Just updating and journaling and rambling here. Not feeling so great lately. My PMA is in the trash, I'm confused and sad and don't know which way to go.
In some ways I think my situation might be improving. The WAH is messaging me daily, always finding an excuse to stay in contact. And he also asked to meet up for a drink. (which we have not done yet as I am all booked up right now)
But though there are seeming signs of progress with my H reaching out and wanting to connect, I feel more and more disconnected, hopeless and sad.
He messages me daily with some tidbit of information or a question. I usually wait a while to reply and keep it short and simple. I mostly let him lead the convo and don't ask questions. I have been friendly but casual. Sometimes being funny. We typically have a short exchange of messages sometimes spread over a few hours and then one of us will stop responding, usually me. About half the time his last reply is "haha" or something like that.
At first I was pleased that he contacts me daily, wants to meet. But then lately I just wonder if it is not because he misses me but because he thinks we are friends and is just being friendly. Or that he feels guilt for how SH!TTY he has treated me and wants to be friendly to make up for it.
I am wondering if maybe I am being a doormat. He and I were a terrific couple up to about 1 month before BD. I believe that the OW caught his eye and turned his head around. His interest in her is likely what made him realize he was unhappy with me. But then he started up an EA with her (lying and sneaking around) and then moved out and started sleeping with her immediately. I don't know if he is still seeing her or not. I suspect so because it would be logical. So my question is: if I be nice to him now over message or agree to see him, am I just being a doormat? That he doesn't deserve it? But what about DB principles? Shouldn't I be nice and cool?
I don't want to be the #2 backup or best buddy to talk to when he is bored. But since I found out about OW mostly by snooping, I can't exactly confront him. I'm very angry with him but I feel I have no way to tell him that, and I feel very insecure about what he is up to with OW, and why he is still talking to me. And DB says not to discuss all this anyway, right?
Final point: one of his criticisms of me when he left was that I was too nice, too complimentary and too easy-going. He said he wanted more of a challenge and someone to inspire him to try harder in the R. I was too happy with him...
Can one of the vets or someone, anyone give me some feedback or advice? I know I am mind reading and need to detach and calm down and all that... But I am having a hard time doing it at the moment.
Hugs,
Lisa
Lisa, I too have been feeling the same. Really sad and hopeless. But we must be strong in those dark times. Personally, at least he is reaching out to you. My W doesn't. So in your sitch, I think you are still not giving him a challenge like you said he was complaining about. Re read your post girl and you will find your answer...you're being tooooo AVAILABLE. Step away a bit from him, and let him start his chase for you. Give him that challenge. Who knows, this can open so many new positive direction for your Sitch. Think about it, what do you have to lose at this point? By his recent actions, he's still going to continue to text you. Right? So ease off and don't be so available. Still be positive, confident, and happy. That will be there to draw him back too. Remember, like we both know, they're the ones that should be doing the chase. It's their choice to so you do everything you can to make it happen while bettering yourself with PMA. As fir the talks about how you feel about the OW and wanting to tell him you know...Dont . at least not now. There will be a time for this. Think about this, there will be a better time to talk about this when you both have recommitted to your M. If you do now, chances are it may backfire and push you further away. The point i am trying to make is, keep in mind the goal for your sitch now is to do everything you can to give him the time and space to want you and your marriage back. We can only better ourselves through this process. Its tough, i know but think a out what we have learned here in these forums. Be strong girl, I'm with you in thoughts.
My last reply to you Lisa, is exactly what I am doing. Trying to do the best I can. I keep telling myself to strengthen my self with this time for whatever outcome it will be. Got to be strong and ready. We both need to okay.
Hi cq1, thank you for your thoughtful reply. I completely agree. Thanks for being in my corner!
It is hard for me to figure out how to be less available. I guess just not answering his messages at all, but then I wonder if I would then look angry and then give him some sort of satisfaction that I care....?
I guess I will try to be even less friendly (one or 2 word answers) and take even longer to reply, and maybe only reply to necessary texts. It is just hard to determine the best course. Everyone has such a different situation and different techniques, all within the DB framework. Some are friendly, some are dark. I was doing something in between but I don't know what is the best course of action.
After we "chatted" a bit last week I do feel the need to pull back though. I didn't really feel 100% good about that. I felt I was giving him what he wanted but what was I getting? Nada.
Hope everyone is having a good one. I am feeling a bit better after working out. It usually helps with the emotions.
Hugs,
Lisa
Hey Dbers, need a bit of advice again.
My H messaged me again asking to meet for a drink. I had told him last week that I was too busy but that this week might be better so I guess he is following up. I am truly busy, and he knows this is the case and I'm not just trying to look cool.
Anyway...I asked this same question before and got great advice. My problem is that now I have also talked to my friends IRL and they are telling me to do things that are not really DB. So I am hoping that someone on here can give me some support and feedback that can push me in the right direction.
I have not replied to his newest request to meet yet. When I asked friends for their advice they said he might want to clear the air and tell me about OW (he doesn't know I know). OW even might be pressuring him to do it so they don't have to be secretive (I'm not 100% sure they are seeing each other still but I assume so). They say that I should not agree to meet without saying something first for example asking exactly what he wants to discuss, or telling him I don't want to discuss the R or anything stressful. Others suggested telling him I'm still hurt and don't want to meet yet. One person even said I should tell him I already know about OW so if that is why he wants to meet there is no need.
I feel all of these are NOT DB techniques. As far as I understand I am not supposed to bring up the R or OW. I am supposed to act as if I am completely fine and happy and my happiness has nothing to do with him, and therefore I should not show that I am concerned about meeting nor tell him I am hurt. I am supposed to be cool as a cucumber.
But it is true that I am terrified he wants to meet to tell me something I don't want to hear. And I do not want to meet to hear bad news, especially news I already know (aka OW). So what to do?
Ben2010 gave me great advice but now with this onslaught of advice IRL I am really scared and worried.
I am stuck in a analysis paralysis. HELP!
Hugs, Lisa
Lisa Dear, ask yourself if you can handle the truth? Of course you can because who wants to live every new day in a lie. IMHO, If you are strong enough to meet face to face then do it. If not then get what he has to say over the phone. If he tells you about OW let him speak then you tell him you have known all along. Leave it at that. Don't let him lure you into how you feel. Don't show him anger or care. Let him see that you are strong enough to move on. If he talks about R just validate what he has to say. Figure out where you stand in this, your boundaries, let him know in a calm way. Think of a plan on how you will handle it if he says this. Think of a plan if he says that. Stick to it and that will help you get through this current phase of your Sitch. Now, if you're not ready to hear what he has to say, then leave him in this chase and continue to detach and strengthen yourself. All in all, think about what you can handle at this point in your Sitch, because its not all about him...it's about you.
Thank you cq1!!!! That gives me a lot of strength. I really don't think I can handle it if he drops a bomb on me, but at least your excellent words of advice help me to have a plan for what to do/say if he does! You are so wonderful, thank you!!!
Hope you have a great day!
Hugs,
Lisa
Lisa, thanks for your support again with the changes that is happening with my Sitch. It's weird, when I fought so hard for my M, I finally got to a goal in this journey which is to get a little reaction from the W, it can now be turned out as more lies or even more hurtful... Lies with a motive. Well, one thing I am happy about is that even though I don't feel it's what I want to do, but may need to do the big D. I am accepting it.
How are you? Hope things are getting better for you.
Want to hear something funny? Ok. When I sat down with wife before laying down my boundaries. I asked her, "Would you give me a short moment to talk about our R, I mean relationship?" Lol. I said "R" like we do here on this forum.
Take care and have a great day tomorrow.
Cq1
Hi cq1! Sorry for the mess you are in. I hope you can continue to be strong and set your boundaries and stand up for yourself.
I am doing ok, a bit up and down. Starting to realize that my H was maybe feeling negative about the R for longer than I originally thought. Maybe it was not as sudden as it seemed. I had trouble wrapping my head around how he could become dissatisfied in 2 weeks and then jump into bed instantly with someone else. But maybe it was under the surface for longer than I, and maybe even he, realized. That's hard to face.
I'm still struggling with how to communicate with him. Sometimes I feel like being friendly and talkative. But then I wonder what the best tactic is. Going with my feelings has never really been the best way to handle things.
I am also losing hope for reconciliation. I am just very hurt and my trust is in the toilet. Even if he came begging I don't know what I would think. But I do miss him and wish I could make it all just go away.
He found a new permanent place to live and mentioned that I should come "check it out soon".
I don't know if he is still seeing OW, I assume he is as it has been such a short time since they started banging. If it all went south already that would be rather quick.
Well, I hope everyone else is doing well today. I wish I was doing better but I guess I could be doing worse.
Hugs, Lisa
Lisa, always hold your head up no matter what. The only thing you, we LBS can do is just better ourselves for ourselves. Please continue to be stron and get stronger. It's good that you see that the problem in your marriage was longer than you thought. Find yourself, be yourself, it's the only thing we can do. We both know what these forums is about. Support and to show us the best way to handle our sitch. Gal and detach too. We just need to prepare ourselves for the worst so we can depart with strength. One thing for sure is when and if we do depart we would know within ourselves that we did everything we can to save our marriage right? Otherwise, why are we here on this forum...divorce busting. Stay your course and think about yourself now. Get out and have fun with friends.
How should you communicate with him? Ask yourself, does he deserve you to be there for him all the time? You will find your answer on how to communicate with him.
Has he mentioned D? Or is this just a S for time and space? If he hasn't mentioned D, then leave it at that. When you're strong and got a new life, then handle it then. It's a long road ahead. I read some other threads and some were able to save their M after two years if DBing. So dont rush it. Like they say here, our WAS us giving us the gift of time. Find your happiness and strength without him. Find it for yourself girl.
As for going to see his new place, I wouldn't. I feel like he ask you to so he can get comfort for himself that what he is doing is ok with you completely. Please don't be so available for him. Let him start to miss you. Have you read the LRT? You should if you haven't. It even tells you when you should use it. Most importantly, you need to be at a place where you are strong enough to use it and accept either outcome.
Be strong Lisa. Find yourself.
Hi Lisa, been following your thread as I too have a WAH and you started posting around the time I started reading (mines not an active thread so far as there's not been much contact since he moved out 6 weeks ago).
I can certainly relate to the feeling that separation may not have been as sudden as it originally seemed. Our fall into separation seemed to happen over a couple of weeks and I struggled to understand where it was coming from at the time. But a few weeks on - with 20/20 hindsight - I realize H did say/do things before that that should have made me realize he was unhappy. I was too busy explaining why I didn't agree with what he said, and not actually hearing what he said. (e.g. H: "It feels like we are roommates"; Me: "Here's all the reasons why I think we are more than roommates…."). Now THAT was a missed opportunity to engage him in conversation about what he would like to see us doing differently so he didn't feel that way…
We live, we learn. Hang in there, girl. It seems this is going to be a long ride, with lots of ups and downs.
Hi cq1 and ganb8te! Thanks for checking in with me. I hope you are doing well cq1!
Sorry to hear that you are in a similar boat ganb8te. My H didn't really complain so much or tell me that he was unhappy. I might have actually noticed that. It was more that he was sometimes distant, distracted and grumpy. I thought he was just stressed out at work, which he was, but that was apparently not the only problem. He also talked a lot about the OW and how great she was, but she was a friend of mine too so I just thought we were talking about a mutual friend. I would agree with him about how great she was!
I have been feeling quite hopeless about my situation and wondering whether or not there is any way to reunite.
In my thinking about this I started to look back on previous relationships where I left the guy. Usually it was because I got bored and didn't see my future with them. And often I would become detached from the relationship and start noticing other guys and developing infatuations for them. Then I would finally leave the relationship. (I know, this isn't so nice but it was a long time ago)
I wondered whether there was anything those boyfriends could have done to make me reconsider leaving them. I realized probably not , which made me depressed about my current situation, but happy that I left those guys!
But what if those boyfriends had quickly seemed like they were happy, confident and doing fine without me. What if they had changed the things I didn't like about them. What if they had become more motivated, more interesting and changed their appearance in some way. What would I have thought?
Of course I can't say for sure, but I think I would be pleasantly surprised. Maybe I would have been curious and wanted to spend more time with them. Especially if they were friendly and polite but didn't seem to want to get back together. If they seemed to be fine without me and had changed quite a bit making them seem different, I think I would have reconsidered these guys I got bored with.
So what does this tell me? It tells me GAL and 180s are the way. It tells me that DB is the way. Because these techniques would have possibly worked on me if there was any hope for those old relationships.
Sometimes you can read all about something but until you internalize it, it just doesn't stick 100%. I think now I don't have to just blindly believe in the DB method, I can feel in my gut that it is the only way.
I hope my rambling helps someone today!
Hugs, Lisa
Hi Lisa, I think it's really good that you're finding strength for yourself now with reflection of what you have been learning on this forum. More power to you girl! Be strong! I have been feeling a bit stronger every day going through this journey. It [censored], that emotions does change our moods so drastically. Like you, some days I feel hopeless and down. Then on other days I feel the anger from lies and deceit. Then, on other days I feel strong about my fight for my M. What do we do? We relax, be patient, and gal ( to find our self, to be ourselves ). What we desire out of this journey is to find true happiness with our S, right? If our WAS decides to be with us then this journey we're on is all worth it. If not, then we still need to find our true happiness without them ( this is the time we have now to do it). Because in the end of this journey, our Happiness, supersedes all this f uped drama. Sorry to swear but I've been holding a lot of anger from my Sitch. As you know I've been lied to over and over again from my W and it does get to me.
But as for you, I am really proud of you for coming through with strength. Keep it going.
Cq1
Hi Dbers, I am going to start a new thread since this one is going to lock. And also I confronted my H with OW so that is new.
Thanks to cq1 for all the advice and great pep talk!
Hugs, Lisa